to be furious with my DM for screwing up my perfect future?

(170 Posts)
ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:15:18

It was all very simple....she and my DF were going to move to the seaside and live in a beach hut...the grandchildren would go visit and learn to build sandcastles....

Instead my DM is dying and has been given a low chance of making it through another year.

How can my DM possibly teach my DD to knit/sew/cook and a million other things she was supposed to do if she doesn't make it to my DD second birthday?

How can she have screwed up the very simple task of staying alive till at least 100?

On a scale of 1 to massively U, how U is it that anger is forming a significant part of my reaction to this news?

Please come tell me this is normalish or shout some fecking compassion into me or something...anything.

Totally normal sad

so sad for you.

ginmakesitallok Wed 28-Nov-12 12:17:44


Of course you're angry, I would be too. How bloody unfair.

DD1s great granny died when she was only 6 weeks old - the two of them would have gotten on so well.

squeakytoy Wed 28-Nov-12 12:19:00

Anger is perfectly understandable. sad

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:20:01

Its just so fucking shit. I hate that it is both so normal to be in this position and also so fucking awful.

It makes me feel like a useless tit for taking it so hard...all of this is currently being turned into rage....but that is one of the phases right?

guanosoup Wed 28-Nov-12 12:20:27

Anger is an incrredibly normal reaction to news like that. I was so cross with my dad when I realised he was dying, too...
Look after yourself and allow yourself to process these thoughts, you won't always be so cross with her xxx

jen127 Wed 28-Nov-12 12:20:45

I Have to say YNBU. My own DM died at 52, 17 years ago and never met any of her 2 Dg's. I am so angry that she has missed out and that I missed out! What about all that babysitting she was supposed to do for me ....
This is so hard and your reaction is very normal. I asked my MIL ( 84) to write a letter for DS's 18th , he is now 10. As my just in case.
Sorry I don't think I am much help , I am sending a big non MN [hug].
Enjoy every day you have because even though you think you will know, you actually never know the day. xx

DudeIAmSoFuckingRock Wed 28-Nov-12 12:21:13


yes totally normal and understandable. so sorry for you and your family.


Fakebook Wed 28-Nov-12 12:21:58


My Mum died when I was in my teens. So did my DH's Mum. I was just saying to him the other day that dying is the most selfish act a person undertakes, and the sad part is, that it's completely out of our control.

I still get angry with my Mum, and it's been nearly 13 years now. Completely normal to feel like this.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Wed 28-Nov-12 12:22:13

I'd be furious too. So sorry sad

plutocrap Wed 28-Nov-12 12:22:26

You're angry for HER future, too. It sounds a lovely plan for everyone, in fact, so how could it be selfish?

It sounds as though her last year, and yours with her, will be full of love, though.


DudeIAmSoFuckingRock Wed 28-Nov-12 12:23:24

could your mum record a lovely video message for when your DD is older?

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:23:29

thanks for the support and that's a great idea about letters!

Tell me I am going to stop being selfish soon though...I mean at some point I need to start caring that a wonderful woman is actually dying and how frightening and terrible that must be...and for my DF too!

If I rage for a few days and then get a grip I won't be too terrible a daughter will I?

Convict224 Wed 28-Nov-12 12:23:44

When I was 50, we booked a holiday as my gift. I was really excited about it, then we were told my Mum was dieing and I had to cancel all plans to be with her. I was so angry and sad about my big birthday and holiday plans being ruined.
Now, I would give all I had just to have her one more day. Even an hour.

Anger is totally normal at the moment, take things minute by minute and release the anger. A non MN. [Hug] to you.

KenLeeeeeee Wed 28-Nov-12 12:24:26

Totally normal reaction. I'm so sorry sad

crunchernumber Wed 28-Nov-12 12:24:56

My parents were fucking shit.

Dad died when I was 22 - completely failed to live long enough to walk me down the aisle.

By the time I did walk down the aisle, Mum had terminal cancer and died 3 months later.

Rubbish grandparents to GC they never met. I have much older siblings with kids that got the full 5 star 'It's A Wonderful Life' gold service from them.

I am FURIOUS about it. Even now.

I wish I could make it better. The only thing I can say is that, as your DD gets older you will hear yourself telling her off talking to her and realise your mother taught you a great deal indeed.

deXavia Wed 28-Nov-12 12:26:11

My Pop (grandad) died when I was 22 even to this day 20 years on I'm bloody furious with him. He'd have loved my kids and built them tree houses, ever car I have ever had would have been so great to share with him and I'd love to just curl up and watch tv with him

I am so so sorry for you and your lovely girl sad

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Wed 28-Nov-12 12:26:38

sad Sorry.

Can your DF still move to the seaside, and teach your dc to row a boat, fish and throw flat pebbles to make them bounce?

I am afraid you will have to teach your dd those things yourself, and think there is a whole lot of things your dad will enjoy teaching your dd. Especially when wife/grandma is not around.

It sucks.

My mum is alive, but has dementia and lives in a home. She does not remember that she has grandchildren, and that is very upsetting for my dc (10 and 7) who remembers a loving and caring grandma from just a few years back.

And yes, I think anger is a natural feeling.

Dinosaurhunter Wed 28-Nov-12 12:26:54

You just cope anyway you can . My mum died in July age 49 all I feel is complete utter sadness, perhaps unhealthly I just worry about my other siblings and grandparents .

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:27:15

Oh god it is an almost painful relief to have spoken about how I feel and to not have a big pile of abuse back. I didn't dare talk to people in real life yet.

thanks lovely MN people.

videos is also a good plan. Will very gratefully receive all ideas about how to get the most from remaining time.

I am struck by the fact that it is doubly selfish as so many people don't get this kind of warning and never get to say the things they wish they could...

DowntonTrout Wed 28-Nov-12 12:28:08

I am so sorry.

We had six weeks with my Dad.

The only advice I can give is make some memories. Talk, talk, talk, listen to her stories. Write a diary so you can remember it all.

And afterwards keep talking with each other. We can laugh now about dad going up on his stairlift singing Arrividerci Roma and about the night I thought I'd killed him by giving him too much morphine. talking and laughing helps, just a bit.

HullyEastergully Wed 28-Nov-12 12:28:10

<hugs, pats, rocks and soothes>

blackeyedsusan Wed 28-Nov-12 12:29:34

it is just not fair,... ddad died less than 4 months ago now dm is struggling mentally... and it is not fair... I am aging because they only had me and I need sibling to help sort it out... of couse I ealise I could have a totally useless sibling who would make it hader to bear... but... aaaaaaagggggggggghhh

sorry about you mum. it is a difficult time.

Tiredmumno1 Wed 28-Nov-12 12:30:23

So sorry for you and your family sad

Your reaction is totally understandable

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:30:53

So sorry to hear everyone else's loses too. I hope I've not awoken too many pains.

Diary is a great plan also.

BlissfullyIgnorant Wed 28-Nov-12 12:32:17

Ouch! How could she? In a non-Kevin-the-teenager way, that is so unfair.
Slap her with this
sad thanks

prettybird Wed 28-Nov-12 12:32:43

Anger is a normal and necessary part of the grief process. Usually it comes after the initial sorrow - but it can often be mixed up.

My mum died earlier this year (although she "died" as a real person a few years ago sad) and even now I get both upset and angry on occasion - like this week when I was trying to help ds (12) with English poetry homework. She was an inspiring English teacher - and how dare she have inspired so many other children about English and not be around for her own grandson sad

DowntonTrout Wed 28-Nov-12 12:35:08

I should also say I was very angry.

I was angry that dad knew he was Ill but left it so long before he would come and live with me so I could care for him.

I was angry that he never got to hear DD singing in a concert. He was a singer and would have been so proud.

I was angry when he died because he waited until I had gone home from the hospice to die, so I wasn't there with him.

I'm angry now that mum has dementia and she can come to DDs concerts but she doesn't realise it is DD singing and forgets she's even been to the concert!

All normal.

How about iphone videos - she can bake a cake/knit something/sew something - you can even easily upload it to youtube. I'm still annoyed my grandmother died ten years ago, I really need her (and her cake making and sewing abilities now)

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:35:12

bliss that looks fab - thank you.

MarthasHarbour Wed 28-Nov-12 12:36:15

<<hugs>> oh god i know exactly how you feel. so so so very sorry about your mum sad cherish every single moment.

my DGD died last year, he died suddenly, i am angry that i didnt get a chance to say goodbye to him. also angry that he died when i was on holiday so i missed his funeral. I was his favourite granddaughter FFS.

My son started wearing glasses a few months after DGD died - DGD would have loved that, would have talked to him like a proper gentleman. DS is now aged 3 and talking. DGD and DS would have got on famously, like proper blokes.

Fucking furious i am

Peanutbutterfingers Wed 28-Nov-12 12:36:15

So sorry. Get it all out, rant and rave. Grief is weird.

My grandad passed away when I was 8 months pregnant. I had already decided to name my son after him but swore my family to secrecy so that I could tell him as I passed my baby to him.

I was furious to be robbed of that moment. And just gutted they would never get to meet each other. And I don't think he ever realised I LOVED him that much.

Make sure you have lots of pictures of you with your mum and with your children. Make sure she knows, explicitly, everything she is to you. I regret not making this clear so much.

Strength and thoughts xx

firemansamisnormansdad Wed 28-Nov-12 12:37:20

The only way to console yourself is that you will be able to tell your DCs wonderful stories about their wonderful grandmother. This is much better than having them witness the arguments over who is having MIL for xmas, boring Sunday lunches with a mad old bat and worries about care homes.

Devastating news for you and your family. Come back onto mumsnet over the next few months and get rid of all your anger and despair with us xx

MarthasHarbour Wed 28-Nov-12 12:38:13

this thread is amazing. real raw emotion from everyone xxx

MaxPepsi Wed 28-Nov-12 12:39:11

I am so very very sorry.

Sat here with a very large lump in my throat thinking about how bloody mad I am at my Grandparents who 'couldn't be bothered' to wait around for me to be born. Know it's irrational but you can't help how you feel.

Make memories and treasure your last months with your mum, who, by going on how angry you are, must be a wonderful woman.

Please speak to your friends and family in real life, I'm sure you will get exactly the same support you have on here.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 28-Nov-12 12:39:32

So sorry for you and your family sad

I think it's a completely natural reaction to have,you're not odd for feeling this way at all.

BellaOfTheBalls Wed 28-Nov-12 12:41:25

YADNBU. I'm so sorry. It is completely reasonable to be angry at this.

My wonderful grandfather, who was often the most solid male figure in my life as a child (my own DF is a bit rubbish) died when I was 15. My grandmother is still going strong at 80 & I am still cross with him every day for missing out on my adult life and on my DC's. He'd love them so much and they would adore his stories, his funny voices and his truly beautiful paintings. Now all I can do is tell my DC's who it was that painted it and gave Mummy her everlasting love of Spike Milligan.

Un-MNetty hug coming your way OP.

MardyArsedMidlander Wed 28-Nov-12 12:41:47

Anger was one of the things I was never warned about. My lovely delightful lively mum died unexpectedly at the age of 46. After she died, I used to be FURIOUS at seeing older people, less healthy than her, smoking and drinking and STILL alive.
All these years later, I still have dreams in which I am so fking angry at both my parents for dying.
have my first ever thanks

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:41:59

peanut oh so sorry to hear that!

My Dh's dad died when DH was about 27, and had only just really gotten onto speaking terms with him. He was devastated that his dad might never have realised that DH loved him. MIL put him straight on that one in a kind of wtaf of course your dad knew you loved him dufus sort of a way...

CalamityJones Wed 28-Nov-12 12:43:00

I'm so sorry. I lost my dad when one week pregnant and my mum when my daughter was four months old - it's a year on and I am still so sad and so furious with them. She would have been their only grand-daughter and they would have loved her so much. I am preparing to get really bitter and angry at Christmastime when my lovely mum and dad would have been so brilliant. It's fucking shit, as you said.

OnwardBound Wed 28-Nov-12 12:44:24


Anger is a very normal part of the grieving process.

Please don't feel guilty for feeling this way.

You sound like a very loving daughter and I am sure you bring your mother much joy.

Hugs XX

OhTheConfusion Wed 28-Nov-12 12:45:01

Get angry. Shout, scream, cry, sob and hit pillows.
This will not be the last time you do this but sometimes it simply all gets too much and you need to vent.

I lost a friend yesterday, she felt the exact same way as she was leaving her children. They are only young and now have no mum to do all the things a mum does. This morning another dear friends dad passed away. It does not make the slightest difference as to when this happens, at almost 50 she has just came to the realisation that she is now an orphan. It is heartbreaking.

The most mportant thing you can do is be there for your mum for the time you have left. Take more pictures, give more hugs, say more 'I love you's'. Take the time you have and ask your mum to all the questions you need to know... from how to make a nativity costume to what you do when the DC's come home with a girl/boyfriend in the decades to come. Then when the time comes tell her your not angry, tell her you know she is scared but it's ok.

Sending huge hugs.

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:46:42

oh calamity that is desperately poor timing! Best wishes for surviving the xmas season.

Someone somewhere has not read the fucking manual for the world and is screwing up on an hourly basis.


Everyone deserves at least 4 grandparents surely?

DowntonTrout Wed 28-Nov-12 12:49:12

Also remember dying is a process, that can go on for quite a long time. Death is only the final part of it.
and even then it isn't over, there will still be much to come to terms with.

So, this sounds awful but, make the most of that process. It is very bittersweet because everything you do will be tinged with sadness ( and that bloody anger!) but if you are forewarned like this, you have the time to make so most of it.say everything that you need to say. Try and have a really special Christmas, it might not seem important now but it will afterwards.

mrsmellow Wed 28-Nov-12 12:49:52

Completely normal and I'm so sorry.
My darling Mum died 4 years ago. She didn't see me marry (but she did tell me she approved of DH when she was in the terminal illness which is great) and I'm now finally pregnant with DC1, also DGC1 and I'm so angry and sad that she's not here to tell and to ask a million questions of. Dad is wonderful but fairly useless and has no idea if Mum had morning sickness or when she first felt a kick or what age any of us did anything. But I will still make the most of him, he's going to be a wonderful Grandad!

When this passes (and it will) enjoy the time you have, ask those questions, write down the answers.
Big hug. FWIW, my Mum is still with me all the time smile

So sorry OP sad

I felt the same when my mum was dying and 2 years after her death I still feel the same....fucking angry, cheated and bitter. My DS is 10 now and he has lost 2 grannies and a grandad!

Life is shit sometimes, sending you some very unmumsnetty hugs.

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:51:05

Another fringe benefit of all this is that I have spent a lot of my DD first year with pnd and contemplating suicide. I read threads on here where people got a little angry with mothers in this position because their own mothers had been I finally get that.

I finally get that for all my flaws and mistakes and uselessness as a mum it would still be unforgivable to leave my DD alone like that....

CalamityJones Wed 28-Nov-12 12:52:56

I was SO angry for such a long time - I'm much better now <twitch> but this is such a hard road - I'm so sorry that you and your family are starting on it. I hope you get to make some wonderful memories with your mum.

UnacceptableAmountOfSherry Wed 28-Nov-12 12:54:47

sad perfectly normal reaction as everyone else has said YANBU at all. Please don't call yourself selfish-it isn't a totally selfish reaction it's a totally normal one.
Rage against the injustice of it!!
Curse at destiny or fate or whoever decided this was to happen, pretty sure your mum is doing the same thing.
I'm so glad you've found support here. MN excels when it comes to speaking the unspoken and providing comfort and support.
You don't need compassion shouting into you-your anger shows what a big part of your life your mum is and being livid that she won't be there forever for you and your little ones is a reflection of how much you adore her.
Any of us unfortunate enough to have lost a loved one will tell you how completely normal anger is

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:56:40

downton yes I am worried there is a line to tread between recording everything and actually enjoying everything. Like when people have a wedding where they spend all the time having photos done and none of the time enjoying themselves with their friends (not sure if this is making sense).

I want us all to have a fab xmas, AND I don't want there to be too much pressure on it being perfect AND I want to record it all so that DD will be able to know her DGM....

Also is it goullish to suggest a big family photo shoot? gah.

It turns out that I am not very emotionally intelligent and frankly rubbish at predicting other peoples reactions to things...including my own.

hygienequeen Wed 28-Nov-12 12:58:31

thanks xxxxx

CalamityJones Wed 28-Nov-12 13:01:43

Take lots of photos - I wish I had so many more of my mum and my baby daughter, I really cherish the ones I have.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Wed 28-Nov-12 13:02:57

That's awful xxx thinking of you and your family xx

Not sure if someone suggested this already but why don't you ask her to make videos on how to knit, sew etc.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Wed 28-Nov-12 13:09:47

I'm sorry to hear your news OP, my mum died very suddenly just over a week ago. I'm 23 and have a 2 year old ds. My mum was only 57.

My mum spent a long time (like over 15 years) in a very bad place emotionally. In the last six months or so she was actually getting better. She wanted to live. She wanted to see ds grow up. She was a fantastic gm to him, it is breaking my heart that he won't know her.

I have no one left to "look after" me. I am officially the oldest person (on my side) of the family. It's shit and completely unfair.

Startail Wed 28-Nov-12 13:09:52

I'm angry that DMIL died when DD1 was two and all that DD2 got was a her pretty name.

I'm furious that she never met DSILS beautiful DCs!

I think we are all angry when we have to say goodbye to people we love before we are ready. I think we are angrier still when they aren't ready either.

YANBU to be angry, hugs and strength

Yes get a family shoot. I dont have nearly enough photos of my mum with my DS and then when I really wanted some she was so ill and looked dreadful. Bless her, I don't want to remember her like that and no way would she have agreed anyway.

If your mum is well enough just talk loads, get family history, ask her silly things like her favourite song etc etc......cherish the time you have especially whilst she is feeling well x

It is a completely and utterly shit thing to happen and am so sorry you have to face this!

My mum died on Christmas Day 1985 when I was 15 and I am still furious!!!
I've just taken up knitting and am crap at it. She was an amazing knitter and I need her here to show me what to do

So in a nutshell...YANBU

prettybird Wed 28-Nov-12 13:15:54

I forgot about being angry at the sight of tall, elegant 70+ year olds. That's what my mum should have been like. I find myself resenting the fact that they're alive and she's not. sad

Dh and I still talk often at "new" things (like when ds was competing at our new velodrome) about how much my mum would've loved it.

You learn to accept that such talk is normal and is honouring her memory.

In the mean time - you have the time to talk to your mum. thanksthanks to both you and your mum.

Pretty - I do the same. If I see an old lady with white hair I feel all bitter and think to myself how unfair it is that they are alive and she didnt make it.

This is a very moving thread. We only needed another 16 months for my grandfather to have met dd1. He would have found her so amusing and wonderful.

spiderlight Wed 28-Nov-12 13:18:04

So sorry sad

DowntonTrout Wed 28-Nov-12 13:19:33

You know, dad didn't want any photos taking of him when he was dying. Thank fully I had plenty from before.

It may be difficult to ask your mum to do things like writing cards or recording things for the future. I know I wouldn't have felt right asking.

Your world will become smaller over the next few months, as will your DMs. In the end with dad, his world was just my house. Anything that went on outside those 4 walls was insignificant. His pleasure was a bowl of fresh strawberries or an ice lolly. It is those things I remember the most.

And towards the end I actually wished he would die, just not wake up. Of course now I'd give anything for a few more minutes with him, but then, in the middle of it all I just wanted it to be over.

There will be huge conflicts in your feelings. So many of us on here have been through this. keep posting because it really helps to know that people understand.

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 13:20:44

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and support - it has massively helped getting my head in the right place for facing the rest of the work day.

I am loving some of the ideas put forward and will be chasing them up over the xmas break.


Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 28-Nov-12 13:23:37

Oh OP I'm so sorry for you all, and yes anger is a perfectly natural response.

I am sad and angry every day that my lovely Grandma didn't get to come to my wedding, she died 6 months before. I would so have loved her to be there, and to meet my lovely DSs - she would just adore them both.

You are not selfish, your hopes and dreams need to undergo a huge shift and you weren't prepared for that. None of us are.

Keep talking on here, you will soon realise that you will find the right words in RL. x

WilsonFrickett Wed 28-Nov-12 13:26:24

<strokes hair>

The thing is my love, when you are teaching your DD to do a million things (including especially when you're telling her what not to do), you'll hear your mother's voice in you. She has spent her life teaching you to be a mother and that will never be lost.

Hopefully one day that will comfort you, but for now, rant away. She is BU! [hugs]

parsnipcake Wed 28-Nov-12 13:27:11

It's normal, and totally ok. YouTube can teach the knitting and stuff - it makes me feel so close to my gran and mum when I see my daughter crochet like they did.

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 13:28:06

Right, work is calling but I will read everything when I get home - please don't feel your comments aren't being appreciated!

herethereandeverywhere Wed 28-Nov-12 13:28:37

I understand that it's a completely normal reaction and I'm so sorry for you and your family sad

But your mum and you sound so lovely. Please spend this last precious year revelling in that loveliness and soaking it up like a sponge. Fill the time creating all those special memories, record her stories, get some knitting and baking tutorials.

My mum is still of this earth but is a chain smoking alcoholic. I'd love to have a proper conversation (that she remembered) or trust her to be alone with my DDs but it's never going to happen.

You're rightfully devastated and bloody angry. But please clear a little space for the joy that your mum obviously brings to you and your family and make every precious moment count because you're so fortunate to have her now.

drjohnsonscat Wed 28-Nov-12 13:29:59

oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I can completely understand. Your post also made me count my blessings. You are right - you should be able to expect your parents to be around to watch your family grow. I would be angry with her too - I would also be angry with everyone who isn't facing what you are facing (eg, me). All fair. Very fair. All that can be said is that at least you know, absolutely viscerally, what she means to you and perhaps when the anger has subsided a little, you can share with her what she is to you. I'm sure she knows anyway but it's good to say it again.

Flimflammery Wed 28-Nov-12 13:32:37

ICBNIG: yes, be furious, it's not fair. My mother died two years ago this month, and I sometimes feel really angry with my dad for being the one to still be alive (he's older and in worse health, no-one expected her to die first - and I was closer to her). Imagine how guilty that makes me feel.

minouminou Wed 28-Nov-12 13:33:57

Absolutely not unreasonable, OP.
It's quite healthy in fact.

DP's brother died 13 years ago now, and I occasionally get angry because he died years before the DC arrived. He'd have been a great uncle.
DS is six now, and he talks about him a bit, and as he gets older I'm sure we'll go more in depth about him.

It feels like you're suddenly up against a really annoying (that's the only word I can think of) brick wall that really pushes your nose back, and you feel quite spited by life.

PessaryPam Wed 28-Nov-12 13:35:44

So sorry ICBINEG. Had the same with my DM. It's totally and utterly unfair.

DowntonTrout Wed 28-Nov-12 13:35:56

Oh yes, the GUILT flimflammery.

That is the hardest and most unreasonable feeling of all!

Proudnscary Wed 28-Nov-12 13:36:41

I'm really, really sorry ICBNIG x

piprabbit Wed 28-Nov-12 13:41:00

Don't save the photos for a special shoot (have that too grin) take a million and one photos of your DM with you and your family, doing ordinary things, looking like and acting just like your mum.
My DDad lost his DM at 18yo and my DH lost his DF at 25yo - they both have only a couple of pictures each. But on my maternal side, we have hundreds of photos, the love letters my GPs wrote to each other while they courted, all sorts of tiny memories that build up into a life. The special photos are the ones where they are caught by surprise and are laughing together.

Also - could you ask your DM to record herself reading some bedtime stories to your DD? It is technically much simpler than trying to produce a half decent video, and listening to a voice in the quiet of a darkened room is very special and intimate.

I'm so sorry that you are all having to go through this. It is shit and anger is a very reasonable reaction to a completely reasonless situation. But anger can be positive too. Feeling anger can motivate people to take action - perhaps your anger now will help you find some special ways to grab on to and celebrate every moment with your DM.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 28-Nov-12 13:41:28

<holds ICBINEG's hand quietly>

Iamsparklyknickers Wed 28-Nov-12 13:42:27

It is shit. It is fucking unfair. How dare this happen right now with no regard for anybody, it's fucking disgraceful.

I'm with the others icbineg, I've had more years alive without my mum than I did with her, what kind of bullshit is that?

As sickly as it sounds, if that's the deal and that's all I get, I'd choose those years and the relationship we had over never having her at all.

None of the sadness or anger ever truly goes because there's never a good reason for it to have happened at all, it does calm though and it doesn't block out the good things to remember.

Talk to your mum lovely, there's no rule book saying you have to fix a smile on your face every time you see her, she's probably going through the same mix of emotions and trying to figure out how to support you. I was a teenager with my mum, and I distinctly remember the night we talked about her prognosis, we grieved together for her life and our relationship. It was very sad, but it was a moment that I believed we both needed dearly.

2teens2tots Wed 28-Nov-12 13:46:56

my MIL died in 2003 she was only 50, my DD1 was nine at the time and so close to her nan, I was so angry that she had broken my little girls heart and there was nothing I could do to make it better, I was so angry that she had left us all so sudden without a chance to say goodbye .. in fact just writing this and admitting that I felt this way is a weight off my shoulders, I have felt so guilty for being angry at my MIL, it's comforting to know I am not the only one.

hanahsaunt Wed 28-Nov-12 13:47:44

Please make the most of what you have. We had no warning that my dad was going to die - I just got a phone call one random evening in February to say that he was gone - he was 65 and just booked a holiday for him and my mum but didn't ever get up from the computer desk.

It is horrible; it is unfair; it is fine to be angry. But please make the most of it.


Offers a hand.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Your reaction is so normal. My mum died when I was a teenager and my dad a few years ago. I found that I went through a stage of needing to wallow in my feelings and get them out there before I could collect myself together and deal with the fact that one of my parents was dying.

We had a great family holiday with my dad (in the UK) whilst he was still well enough and just watching him feed the ducks with my sons meant a lot.

It does feel very unfair when it happens but there are some lovely suggestions on this thread for celebrating your time with your DM now.

Iamsparklyknickers Wed 28-Nov-12 13:51:58

Hanahsaunt, it's hard to explain to people, well I don't even try, but I can't imagine how awful it would be to have no warning, no time. At least with a longer illness you have time to prepare yourself....

Sorry about your dad x

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 28-Nov-12 13:53:00

It is really really unfair.
I have a beautiful brave friend who should in all honesty be dead. However, she is busy sucking every last drop out of life. She writes an amazing blog called Bottomsupcancer. This is keep a wonderful record of her journey a it is a huge roller coaster. It is worth a read to get some ideas.
It is normal to be angry, but don't let it get in the way.

Meggymoodle Wed 28-Nov-12 13:55:27

I'm so sorry for you. I would be totally furious too.

runforthesun Wed 28-Nov-12 13:57:11

I would be angry too, I still am sometimes, my mum died when I was 15 so now lived longer without her than with her.

My regret is that I didn't find out more about her, what she was like when she was younger, who her friends were,all kinds of things I should have asked and didn't. I told her I loved her lots though. I have nothing of value or wisdom to add other than I know how you feel.

ShamyFarrahCooper Wed 28-Nov-12 14:00:39

MY DH has been angry since his nana died 2 months ago. It was just awful and a huge shock to us all. She'd had various ill-health but none of us believed it would happen and when it did suddenly, it was so raw. It's been horrible, sad and yes an angry time.

We just treasure the fact that the week before she died we invited her over for ds' first day of school. We expected to her to say no (she preffered to be at home due to health) but she came, she saw him in his uniform, got pictures etc and we are just SO PLEASED we have that time to remember. And the picture of the 4 generations of Nana, Mil, DH & ds.

Hugs to all who are going through/have been through this. It's just so horrible.

MooncupGoddess Wed 28-Nov-12 14:03:22

I am so sorry. It is bloody awful. I don't have children but am very aware that if I or my brother do then my mother will never see them... and she would have LOVED having grandchildren.

As everyone else says, DON'T feel guilty about feeling angry. I spent years consumed with self-hatred for having thoughts like these... it did me no good and retrospect was a total waste of time and nervous energy.

Do find a couple of people who understand in real life. I had two friends (by no means my closest friends) who understood and would let me drink too much wine and dump the contents of my head on them.... it was enormously helpful and I will always be grateful to them.

jamdonut Wed 28-Nov-12 14:15:00

I've just had a good cry... I'm 48 and my mum died 2 1/2 years ago aged 65. It was way to soon and (after being in remission) so quick at the end, that I never got to do or say the things I wanted to.
My way at the time was to get on with as normal a life as possible, but I know that I have such a lot of anger left, and as much as I like to think I have moved on, I don't really think I have. This thread just helped a lot.
Its silly things like, she was such a fantastic crocheter, and with all the re-emergence of crocheting at the moment, I just wish that she was here to help me with it, because I am absolutely rubbish at it! And it makes me angry that my daughter will never be shown those skills by her grandmother, in the way my grandmother taught me to knit.
Also that she will never see any of the productions that her grandchildren have been or will be in, because she would have burst with pride. There is so much more....sad

Lemonylemon Wed 28-Nov-12 14:15:55

ICBINEG thanks for you. It's terribly hard. We're having the same thing with my Mum. This will probably be her last Christmas with us. She was given about 6 months to live, but that was back in March and she's still with us, but I fear she won't be here by next Christmas.

My DS's paternal grandfather quite suddenly died a month ago after having been given quite a good prognosis.

So, be angry, it's quite normal as you can see from everyone's posts.....

BeingCrazyKeepsMeSain Wed 28-Nov-12 14:20:50

I'm very sorry. It is very normal to feel anger and hurt. It has probably been mentioned a couple of times but, take loads of photo's with you doing ordinary things. Videos of how to sew, find out recipes of what you wanted her to teach your DD.

Every question you've always wanted to ask, nows your time to find out everything you want know. Have you thought about maybe a picture memory blanket for you DD. not sure if it's something you want to look into, just a thought.

You can never prepare yourself for what's to come, so enjoy every moment you can. Once again I'm very sorry. sad

insanityscratching Wed 28-Nov-12 14:27:28

So sorry for you. My mum died when I was 17 and never got to be a Granny and am really angry about that even now 28 days later because she would have been fantastic just like your Mum would have been.
I would say talk, talk and talk some more and ask her everything you will ever want to know because that's another regret that I didn't really know her and we never got that adult relationship that might have allowed me to know her.
Thinking of you and your family x

SomeBear Wed 28-Nov-12 14:40:48

It's hard to bear, isn't it? Such sad news, OP. Not quite the same territory, but I'm still absolutely furious with my beloved FiL for having a massive stroke last year - how could he not know it was going to happen and have prevented it? He is still with us, but it has robbed him of his speech and reduced him to a shadow of himself. He is the only proper grandparent my children have - genuinely adored them, thought everything they did was brilliant and was generous to a fault. Like many of you, I wish I'd taken more pictures and videos when we could. My own parents are alive and well but couldn't care less which saddens me even more.

cathpip Wed 28-Nov-12 14:54:16

Its perfectly normal, my mum died suddenly 8 weeks ago and i am still so cross with her for leaving dad alone when he is only 65 and mostly for dropping dead in front of my sister who then had to perform cpr on her. Make the most of what time you have left with your mum, i know i did not always see eye to eye with my mum but god i miss her. Memories are wonderful to have and they are what keeps me going... Take care xx

So sorry about your Mum.

YANBU in the slightest. Dylan Thomas had it right when he said :

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light"

My Mum died 4.5 years ago, suddenly at the age of 64. She was a fabulous person and a brilliant GM. I am absolutely FURIOUS with her for leaving us and for my youngest DC, not knowing her at all. sad

Sorry you're having to go through this ICBNIG. Life SUCKS sometimes.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Wed 28-Nov-12 14:58:55

I'm so very sorry icenberg

FellatioNelson Wed 28-Nov-12 15:01:05

On a scale of 1 to massively U that did make me laugh out loud in spite of everything. smile

It is extremely normal. Of course you are angry, but not at her. Not at her. It just feels like that now. sad I am so sorry.

PessimisticMissPiggy Wed 28-Nov-12 15:04:27

My Dm died after a long illness 6.5 years ago. She wrote us all letters and hid them somewhere. She didn't remember where in the end.

My DF is talking about selling their home and is sad that after all this time these letters haven't surfaced! I'm so mad but slightly amused that we'll have to say "if you find any envelopes in between floorboards, please give us a call."

BitOutOfPractice Wed 28-Nov-12 15:06:53

Oh OP I'm so sorry sad I'm sure utter fury at the total pointlessness and unfairness of it all is 100% normal and natural xx

Mama1980 Wed 28-Nov-12 15:09:02

Im so sorry, its totally and completely unfair!
The anger is totally normal. My nan mostly raised me, she died 5 years ago I'd just found out i was pregnant with my first baby, i was so so angry that she left me when i needed her so badly. She was my best friend, my confidant, she made me who I am. I will never stop missing her and wanting her til the day I die.
Again I'm so sorry - its shit!

HuggleBuggleBear Wed 28-Nov-12 15:13:41

I totally get it. My mum said she wanted to teach my baby about nature, gardening, walking, animals etc. Would take him on holiday and for day trips. Then my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I'm angry she won't be able to do the things she wanted. I'm also angry at people who don't value their life and are still here yet my poor mum who loves life is dying. I'm angry that other people get their mum for longer.
The anger has been one of the strongest emotions since finding out.
My thoughts are with your family

minouminou Wed 28-Nov-12 15:13:45

So many sad stories here, but what seems obvious is that everyone feels anger at the deaths. However, we don't seem to express it much publicly. OP, I think you've been brave to admit it, even though you thought you'd be in for a slating. What you've done is to encourage other people to talk about their anger, so I hope this thread helps you - you're in for a tough few months, so at least you'll know you don't have to be angry at or appalled by your reactions....just go with them.

FriendlyLadybird Wed 28-Nov-12 15:18:48

I am so, so sorry to hear this. Of course you are angry.

My father died when DS was 3 but he made an enormous impression. DS (now ten) remembers him so clearly and speaks about him all the time to DD (4), who never met him. He is still a big part of their lives.

It's not going to be how you imagined it, but she is still, and will always be, your children's Grandma.

Mrsjay Wed 28-Nov-12 15:21:15

I am so very sorry about your mother [hug] heartbreaking your reaction is normal you want your daughter to have her grandmother around.

my mil died when dd2 was 3 and i felt she was cheated , ( selfish and silly i know)

Cahoootz Wed 28-Nov-12 15:25:31

Oh, this is such a sad thread. I am so sorry about your Mum icebenig . My DM is the loveliest DM in the world and I would be pretty cheesed off if she doesn't live to be the worlds oldest Granny.

You must, of course, try to do lots of lovely things with your parents but you mustn't worry if everything isn't perfect. It may be that your DM might want to carry on as normal and not want to do anything too different from usual.

thanks and a virtual hug too.

BartimaeusNeedsMoreSleep Wed 28-Nov-12 15:29:38

I'm so so sorry OP and everyone else who has lost a parent/close grandparent.

My mum is still angry with her dad who died 26 years ago. He was 78 and his mum died aged 99. My mum felt cheated of 20 years with him.

I'm already a bit angry with MIL blush because when she dies it will destroy DH (single mum, only child, very close, almost no other family). I make sure that we have lots of photos with her, DH and DS every time we see her just in case (it sounds morbid but she's in her 70s).

I love the idea of the grandparent journal upthread and we'll be buying that as a present from DS this Christmas.

I grew up with no grandparents (3 died before my birth, 1 when I was 4) and to be honest, it was my mum that suffered the most (knowing what I/her parents were missing out on) rather than me.

Only now I have a DS who has 3 grandparents do I see what it's like.

Frontpaw Wed 28-Nov-12 15:32:58

Both my parents very selfishly upped and died before I was 40. Honestly, the cheek of some people.

They were going to live in our old family home, and DS was going to go and spend long summers there, fishing and horse riding, and having long weird chats with my dad, who could answer all his many technical and difficult questions, and mum would make him steak and kidney pie and pick apples from the orchard.

Definitely robbed.

expatinscotland Wed 28-Nov-12 15:34:30

My mother wishes she would have been the one to die and not my 9-year-old daughter.

wintersnight Wed 28-Nov-12 15:34:30

I'm so sorry. As everyone else has said it's completely normal to be furious. My dad died in an accident and I was furious with him for months. I was also furious with my father in law and couldn't bear to see him. He is a lovely man but at the time I wished it was him who died (horrible thing to wish but that's what grief does to you.)

SueDoku Wed 28-Nov-12 15:42:18

Oh expat - I was already in tears at this but you have tipped me over into proper sobbing... I feel for you so much ((hugs))

Lemonylemon Wed 28-Nov-12 15:49:03

Oh, expat.... sad

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Wed 28-Nov-12 15:50:59

sad so so sorry, totally understandable for you to be feeling this way x
And expat sad ((((())))) x

Littlebitwoo Wed 28-Nov-12 16:02:24

hugstto you all that have lost someone. my father in law is one of the loveliest people ever and he was diagnosed with terminal cancer this year just after DS born. We had so many plans, football with grandpa, days out at the park...I just want him to still be here for Christmas sad

BartimaeusNeedsMoreSleep Wed 28-Nov-12 16:23:57

sad Expat

Death is so shit itsn't it sad

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 28-Nov-12 16:34:08

It's heartbreaking how much loss there is and how much it hurts sad

BikeRunSki Wed 28-Nov-12 16:39:58


I am still pissed off with my Dad for dying when I was 23 (nearly 20 years ago) and never meeting his grandchildren, I am pissed off with my brother that the only grandchild DF did meet was my his eldest (who was 2), and that I never knew my dad as an adult (he got ill when I was 12).

I am also pissed off with my GF for dying before I was 21. He was going to take me to London, buy me a frock and take me to dinner at Simpson's on the Stand.

mypussyiscalledCaramel Wed 28-Nov-12 16:54:04

My Dad died 3 months after DS2 was born, although my son was the on DGC to smile at him.

He died a month after his 59th birthday, I never got a chance to give him his grandad card. He was going to retire and move to France when he was 60. It pissed me off then and still pisses me off now that he never got that opportunity.

DS1 was 8 at the time, so he did have some time with him and they used to do woodwork together.

Now I am angry because my Mum has MND, she is 65. I will be robbed of both my parents before I should be. My DGP's lived until their 90's.

Anger is only the half of it for me, I am also suffering from very bad depression.

Hugs to you.

prettybird Wed 28-Nov-12 17:18:28

My dad is 75 (76 at Christmas) is not allowed to die for another 20+ years grin which he should have been able to spend with mum sad

He's off at the New Year to his aunt's birthday. She is his mum's older sister and will be 100. His own mum lived to 89 - and had she been in Europe would probably have matched her sister's longevity.

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 17:56:14

Oh gosh what a lot of posts...will get reading.

ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 18:11:51

I said it earlier but I will say it again - it is just too damn shit that losing people is so terrible and so terribly frequent an event. How dare something so inevitable hurt so much?

If anyone wants to join me in a collective act of screaming "fuck you cancer" at the sky tonight then feel free.

So sorry to all of you who have experienced similar and worse...and I certainly promise to make the most of the warning I have been given!

Some fantastic ideas! Especially the bedtime stories one...hopefully DM will agree to recording some for her grandchildren.... and maybe for me too...

thegreylady Wed 28-Nov-12 18:18:55

My mum died in 1993.She went into hospital for some tests and died a week later sad
I miss her so much-she didn't see her beloved gc married and she didnt get to meet their children.
Your post op has made me realise how grateful I should be that she did see them grow up [they were 19 and 23 when she died] and shared some of herself with them.
Thank you.

ThePoppyAndTheIvy Wed 28-Nov-12 18:21:07

I have just found this thread but am with you 100% OP. My lovely mum died from the bastard that is cancer 10 weeks ago sad. My DD, who my mum adored, was just 13 months old at the time.

My darling dad died in 2003, also from cancer. It is shit beyond shit.

Hugs to you expat as ever (and I don't care how unmumsnetty that is). I know how bloody much it hurts to lose your parents, but to lose a child is a whole new level sad.

thegreylady Wed 28-Nov-12 18:21:51

My dh though died when dc were 12 and 16 sad
Grieving is so hard.
I agree about cancer-it took my mum and I had breast cancer 6+ years ago so it may be lurking still.
My wish is to live long enough for dgc to remember me.

Maryz Wed 28-Nov-12 18:27:43

I'm really sorry that you feel the rug has been pulled from under you and that your plans and dreams are going down the sewer sad. And I'm sad for your mum too, who will miss so much.

But - I really hope you won't be offended if I say how good it has been to read this thread. All your stories have made me think about my parents, and about my life, in a totally different way.

So thanks to all of you who have managed to open my eyes.

I'll (un)happily join the "that bastard Cancer" club as it killed my DM, DSM and DF.

My mum died in her early 50's more than 20 years ago. One of the lessons I learnt from that is to do stuff now. Don't keep putting off doing things that might be fun until you have more time or saving everything for retirement.

My kids wanted to go ice skating at one of the open air rinks last year I didn't really want to go because I am overweight and crap at ice skating and was scared of falling over. But I did it anyway and my kids still talk about it a year later, its now a family memory and I am really glad I went.

turningvioletviolet Wed 28-Nov-12 18:32:39

16 years and 4 months ago I told my dfather i was pregnant with his first grandchild. 16 years and 3 months ago df told me he had cancer. pretty much 16 years ago to the day df died. Selfish b****r, he pretty much ruined my pregnancy. Never quite forgiven him for that.

I won't pretend he was a baby person, or even a small child person come to that. But I stand strong in my belief that he would have been beyond proud of the amazing 15 year old young man we now have (named after his grandad). In my day dreams i see df watching ds (a v talented rugby player, and df adored rugby) proudly from the touchline.

Too sad. So sorry for you op.

TigerFeet Wed 28-Nov-12 18:52:55

I'm sat here snivelling like a total loon at this thread.. my Dad died almost exactly 20 years ago to the day and I've never stopped being furious at him. He never met my dh, didn't give me away when I got married, never met his two granddaughters, they would have ADORED one another I reckon.

I suppose the biggest difference between myself and many of you on this thread is that my Dad committed suicide. I know in my head that he must have been desperately unwell to make this choice for himself and for his family, but MAN I am PISSED OFF with him about it even now.

Lots of love to you OP, I hope you can make some wonderful memories with your Mum that you'll treasure forever.

Greythorne Wed 28-Nov-12 19:07:31

Heartbreaking thread.

My own dear godmother who was my friend, my touchstone, my confidante, my mentor died when she was 40, I was 18. To fucking breastcancer. She had ever married, never had children, had had a shit life and then cancer got her at 40.

My DD is named after her.

There's not a day goes by without me looking at my DDs and wondering what she would think, say to them, do with them. I know she would have adored them. I miss her so much, I miss her every day. I miss talking to her and being with her. She was so funny and caustic and kind and generous and insecre. she was so old-fashioned and yet so open-minded. She never had a bank card, only used cash. She loved taking me to the cinema. She used to make frozen pizza for tea with a tomato salad because I was 17 and fussy. She bought me stamps so I could keep in touch when I went to uni. she wrote me a goodbye note when she was days away from dying, her handwriting unrecognisable, riddled with errors, but so full of love and so precious to me.

I will never get over her loss. I don' t know how i have managed the past 22 years without her. And the thought that my Ds know her only as a name, a few photos, is horrifying. Sje should be here, she would only be early sixties now.

She should be here. I would do anything to see her smile at my DDs.

Greythorne Wed 28-Nov-12 19:10:31

Like previous posters, I also dream about her...and then wake up absolutely fucking livid that it was only a dream.

PanickingIdiot Wed 28-Nov-12 19:17:44

Sorry OP, and everyone else. It sucks.

And yes, anger is normal.

Bastarding cancer.

uwaga Wed 28-Nov-12 19:47:48

I'm so sorry. My mum died just over 2 years ago when my son was only 7 months old. She has missed so much and I feel so sad and jealous and angry when I see Grannies spending time with their GC. But as many other people have said, I do feel her with me in the songs I sing with my son, our little sayings and even in the way I'm constantly reminding him to say 'pardon' and not 'what'!
Only recently I found a whole stack of letters she wrote to my grandparents when I was small and I loved reading about her life when she was my age and at the same life stage. I only wish I had more - I would give anything for a letter containing some wry, funny words of wisdom from her to help me in my own parenting journey.
All the very best to you and yours OP.

NetworkGuy Wed 28-Nov-12 19:52:12

Sorry to hear the sad news. Make the most of the time available. Can sort of understand how it buggers up plans, but as you say, in a way good to have a bit of warning, but act like it's double the actual time just in case your Mum gets too tired/unwell to do things as time goes on.

I was about 6 when my dad died, but had Mum and three elder sisters (approx 10 years older than me) and half-brother 20 years older (our Mum was married, had a baby, and widowed in around 18 months when she was 18/19, then married again 6 years later). Feel sure both your DM and DF will be pleased to know they have whatever support you can give.

Yes, take a few days (of anger) to come to terms with this, but then get on with life - your DD will not know how bad this news is for you, but maybe you could video some chats with your Mum about when you were a baby/young and how life was back then for your Mum... it will be a bit of history from her GM for when your DD is older and able to take in how much you had hoped her GM would get to know DD, etc, but that it wasn't to be.

I guess I was able to "take it in" at 6 but might not have been if I had been younger, even though youngsters learn about hamsters and fish dying...

wigglesrock Wed 28-Nov-12 20:03:49

I have never forgiven my godparents - my Mums sister and my Dads brother for dying within a year of each other when I was 21/22. I was so close to my uncle (both my grandfathers had died before I was born), he was like my Grandad - he taught me to ride a bike, he bought me books and sparkly shit grin, he also bought me my first bit of proper jewellery. Like other posters I would have loved my children to have met them.

expatinscotland Wed 28-Nov-12 20:06:25

'I suppose the biggest difference between myself and many of you on this thread is that my Dad committed suicide. I know in my head that he must have been desperately unwell to make this choice for himself and for his family, but MAN I am PISSED OFF with him about it even now.'

He was very unwell. If I did not have my two surviving children, I would not be able, for anyone, to endure the pain of losing my little daughter. I don't believe in God or the afterlife, either. I would end my life if it weren't for them.

ratbagcatbag Wed 28-Nov-12 20:12:21

My family is pretty pants and I will never see my dad again as he's a nasty man, instead two people became massively important to me and filled in the role of father and grandfather. I'm so cross that they aren't here anymore and I'm now pregnant, they would both be so pleased sad and would dote on my little one.

That's heartbreaking. There are no words...

ThisIsMummyPig Wed 28-Nov-12 22:04:07

I just want to say that this is in many ways the best AIBU thread I have ever read. It just puts everything into persective.

I only wish you didn't have the experiences to write it with.

I'm so sorry for all these posts, and I cannot actually read them all, it's just so bloody heartbreaking and truly, my heart goes out to you all.

My MIL died just over 2 years ago, went into hospital after feeling faint, 10 days later she was gone; the last 3 she was on life support. When it came to turning off her machines we were all there to say our goodbyes when my DH came in and started yelling & shouting at her, swearing his head off.....the anger literally exploded, he literally could not believe she would do this to him. I had to pull him away. It was the most awful, devastating evening of my life.

My DH loved his Mum, they were really the best of friends, worked together too....saw each other every day, pretty much all day. It's like he is missing a vital piece to him and he will never be the same.

But I just wanted to say anger is perfectly normal, and you're not to feel guilty about it. And that I am so so sorry x

My DD was 3.5 when her Nanny died and she chats about her all the time. She remembers the jigsaws, the food she cooked (burnt!), my DD favourite fruit was always in her Chanel bag, her perfume collection....We have photos everywhere in the house and is always
remembered, my DS had only just turned 1 so doesn't have these memories which makes my DH madder still.

I still can't believe this has happened to us to be honest x

lovebunny Wed 28-Nov-12 23:15:59

my heart is breaking for you. anger is perfectly normal.

many years ago, when my mum phoned to tell me she was making another attempt at suicide (she failed again) i had a very strong sensation that no matter what the outcome, she would always be with me (in a very positive way). so i don't think your mum will leave you, even though she won't be available as she is at present. i don't know what you believe. maybe that thought won't help. but i am so sorry and i wish things were different for you.

lovebunny Wed 28-Nov-12 23:42:16

i've read all the posts now. i went from sobbing, really sobbing, to wailing for expat and her loss. reading this thread reminded me how i used to love my mum, how close we were, decades ago, and how little of that is left, and how very, very angry i am. i'm glad i remembered. thank you.

prettybird Wed 28-Nov-12 23:44:29

My big sadness is that although ds was 6.5 when mum had her accident (head injury), the way that she changed afterwards has left such a strong image in ds' mind that he can't remember what she was like before the accident. And the last 3 years were particularly bad as she declined, so even the initial recovery has been overshadowed sad

ICBINEG: make sure you've got lots of good memories and occasions to talk about, describe and simply remember for and behalf of your dd - and for you

flow4 Wed 28-Nov-12 23:49:32

I still sometimes get angry with my mum for dying and leaving my children without a grandma. And she died when I was a teenager, nearly 30 years ago, 20 years before my eldest was born.

What you're feeling is perfectly natural. It's not fair. I'm so sorry.

paddingtonbear1 Wed 28-Nov-12 23:56:46

I feel your pain OP. My mum died of cancer when dd was only 1. She did everything right re diet, no smoking and drinking - but her cancer was missed until it was too late. She only lived for 6 months after diagnosis.
Dd has struggled at school - I often think, mum was a teacher and would have helped her.
Life's just not fair is it?! Much love to you xx

Learning70 Wed 28-Nov-12 23:59:29

So it's not just me them. The beginning of my dads Alzheimer's diagnosis was just 8 weeks after my second child was born. Fast forward five years and my lovely boy has lots of problems, almost certainly ASD related and I am having a shit time sorting this out. My dad is now dying a slow death in hospital. If I was a gambling girl I would lay bets my dad's death will come at the same time as my son's diagnosis. It's going to take a while to untangle this one in my head.

paddingtonbear1 Thu 29-Nov-12 00:00:14

Also.. Mum did an album of photos before she died, so dd would be able to see what she looked like and the things she enjoyed doing. Dd is now 9 and has looked at it often.

ICBINEG Thu 29-Nov-12 01:06:03

I am truly sorry that this has reopened painful wounds for people. Yet another unintended consequence of being so rage filled and self-centred at the moment.

All I can say in balance is that I very much appreciate the perspective I am gaining, the relief that my reaction isn't off the scale bonkers and all the wonderful ideas for making the most of things.

Okay so now to try and sleep....last night when DD woke me up for milk the pillow was soaked and it seems I had been crying in my sleep. At least that means I am capable of reaching the sad phase even if only while unconscious...

Best wishes all!

Charleymouse Thu 29-Nov-12 01:45:52

So sorry ICBINEG.

No you are NBU.

I am still furious with my wonderful Dad for dying of a heart attack aged 59. DH and I had just decided to try for a baby and I was contemplating the pros and cons of telling him this and the selfish git just dropped down dead.

He smoked and drank and was overweight and I am so pissed off with him for doing this when he knew he had heart problems. It makes me very angry that he died without knowing he may be a Grandad soon. It makes me even madder that my pregnancy was to tinged with sadness as it followed his dying and to top it all MIL selfishly passed away the same bloody year whilst I was pregnant. She couldn't even be arsed to wait until DD was born. The pair if them make me so mad. FFS how could they do his to me and their DC and themselves. It makes me so cross.

I also recommend "Grandmother Remembers" I bought this for my Nana and she filled some of it in and I love just looking at her handwriting.

So no YANBU. My anger is only occasional now but the sadness is overwhelming.

Sending you hugs and prayers.

flow4 Thu 29-Nov-12 08:10:42

"So rage filled and self-centred" << Oh ICB, people have posted to let you know that it's OK for you to be feeling angry. Please don't feel guilty about posting; it's good for people to be able to talk about their feelings.

We don't talk about death enough in my opinion. We'd all deal with it better if it was less taboo to talk and share our feelings.

WilsonFrickett Thu 29-Nov-12 09:36:35

Completely agree ^^ flow

fuckwittery Thu 29-Nov-12 09:48:02

Oh I have been avoiding opening this thread but I'm glad I did now. I second everyone who says it is normal. My dad died when I was 6 and then my mum got seriously ill a couple of years later and I spent my teenage years and 20s caring for her and worrying about her whilst trying to get an education, career and look after my own children etc. I buried her on monday, and I was so angry over the years all the things we couldn't do together. I was angry with her for not protecting me from her illness I think, and not being a "proper" mother and grandparent, it is such a hard hard thing to even express though, so I am amazed you can even say it and feel guilty about it out loud. it is a natural feeling but you are such a good daughter for posting your guilt on here and asking for help with how to deal with it. I am starting to let go of the guilt and anger now I think, but it totally sucks. Why couldn't I have appreciated more the little time we had together, even though it was so limited and difficult in many ways. I'd do anything now for one more afternoon sitting with her, even if she spent all that time moaning at me, if I knew if was our last afternoon I'd comfort her and tell her all the things I didn't say, rather than feeling cross and impatient sad. I've just put together a photo album for mum's funeral and I only have about 3 photos from the 18 odd years she was in a wheelchair. She looks bloody miserable in all of them (my graduation, wedding and I think one she got in by accident at Christmas one year!) and I am cross about that.

You are grieving already (i think I grieved for years before my mum died), and I have been looking at some stuff about grief cycles - shock, denial, anger are all common.

fuckwittery Thu 29-Nov-12 09:48:58

funnily enough not angry at my dad for dying but was angry at my mum regarding how she dealt with it with me. my poor mum

I am furious with my son for killing himself, I am furious that his brother found him.

I am furious that I didn't know how ill he was, I'm his mum, I should have known.

I am furious that he wouldn't talk to us, that he wouldn't let us help him. That he chose to take himself away from us, that he left us behind. That he didn't believe that we love him and need him and would miss him.

How dare he do that? How dare he leave us? Why didn't he talk to someone/anyone?

The one thing that makes me more angry than anything else, I sent his brother to make sure that he was ok, I sent his brother to find him dead. I did that to him, I made him find him dead. I am so furious about that.

OnwardBound Thu 29-Nov-12 09:56:54

So sorry mumof2teenboys sad

There just aren't the words to say what I want to really so am sending

completely inadequate

HUGS and thanks

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 29-Nov-12 09:59:41

flow4 you are so right that we should talk about death more.

When I was at school, a friend of mine lost her Mum to breast cancer. I never knew what to say to her, and I just withdrew from her - we were 11. I have thought about it often as I've got older, and there is a part of me that would like to find her and tell her that I'm sorry her Mum died, and I'm sorry that I was too cowardly to say that to her at the time.

I talk about my grandparents who have died all the time, tell my children things about them and make them into real people.

I remember reading on a thread here about how bereaved parents feel that people don't want them to mention their dead children, that after a certain length of time they shouldn't want to say their names any longer. I sobbed and sobbed reading that, because what could be crueller?

expat I can't even find the words to express myself, but my heart is sore for your loss. Aillidh will always be remembered here.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 29-Nov-12 10:00:21

oh mum sad

DowntonTrout Thu 29-Nov-12 10:00:42

I agree with the ^.

Don't feel guilty for opening up all our wounds. I have been thinking about Dad dying constantly since you started this thread. And I have revisited all my feelings of anger, guilt, sadness etc.

And you know, it's been painful but the funny thing is its made me realise that life does go on. People say that to you, and it's such a cliche, but the truth is, it does, it gets better and easier, never goes away completely, you carry it around with you forever. But thinking of all the awfulness of being in the middle of it and comparing it to now I can see I have come a very long way.

So thank you for saying what we all felt but didn't dare express. We are all at different points in our grief, obviously for some it is still very raw, we live with it because we have to.

prettybird Thu 29-Nov-12 10:17:39

I'm in tears every time I click back on this thread. But that's a good thing.

I had grieved for my mum for so long while she was still alive but not actually there that I'm still finding it difficult to grieve for her now, now that she's actually dead, if you see what I mean. not sure I do but that's the best way of describing it

Thank you for this thread. I hope it helps you as much as it has already helped others to talk about their feelings.

Molehillmountain Thu 29-Nov-12 10:21:47

My brother died when I was three. The only thing I remember about it all was being really, really cross. I can picture myself in the chair by the window of my parents living room crying with anger. With whom I'm not sure-I think my parents.

I have always found these sorts of threads helpful. I went through a big "why me" phase feeling like I was the only person in the world who had lost a parent when I was a teenager etc. How my suffering was so much worse than everyone else and the world had singled me out to have shit dumped on my head. I think I got stuck in a teenage response to the situation IYSWIM.

It was very helpful and healthy for me to get a perspective through reading other people's experiences that a lot of people have gone through these painful times and that its not just me. Sadly many many of us have suffered losses and are doing our best to cope with them. Its amazing how we all manage to keep going despite it all.

For those who have just had bad news or recently suffered a loss all I can say is it does get less raw over time, even if that feels hard to believe right now.

WilsonFrickett Thu 29-Nov-12 11:02:28

Oh mum sad

Oh Mum thanks I'm so sorry.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 29-Nov-12 11:48:15

Oh Mum sad thanks

ICBINEG Thu 29-Nov-12 12:14:34

More thanks for mum and all of you for sharing on here.

It has been so cathartic to read peoples experiences on this thread....every time the rage has built to high I have been able to come back and feel a little more grounded and a little more sane....and well...a little more among friends.

Oh ICBINEG, i am so sorry sad

Charleymouse Thu 29-Nov-12 12:37:48


mumof2teenboys and expat sending you big hugs.

Mum and ICBINEG thanks

LtEveDallas Thu 29-Nov-12 13:37:09

You know, I've always thought I was a bitch. The hard faced cow my mother said I was.

My brother died when I was 24, he was 42. He died because of the way he lived - he caused his own death (even though someone else helped him along). I've always been SO angry with him.

Angry that he died.
Angry that he could do this to us.
Angry that he made my father cry.
Angry that he left his partner alone with 2 children.
Angry that he screwed his daughter up
Angry that his son has not memory of him.
Angry that he never met my DH, nor his own GD, nor my DD

But mostly ANGRY that the choices he made were the death of him.

I loved him so much, and miss him regularly. His birthday, his anniversary, christmas, Glastonbury(!) all dates that mean something and he should be here for.

He should have been here, he should have got drunk with my DH and loved my DD. God he would have loved her - always questioning, bright as a button, cheeky as hell.

It's not bloody fair.

Love to all of you dealing with loss. It never goes away, but it does diminish thanks

DowntonTrout Thu 29-Nov-12 17:57:17

LtEveDallas you are certainly not a bitch. You have given me support when I needed it.

I think all this anger we feel is good because it means there is a bit of fight left in us and it stops us sinking into the depths of despair. It is our way of coping and is healthy.

When someone close to you dies, you do not only grieve for them, but for yourself and others around you, for all the might have beens and things you would have shared that have been snatched away.

LtEveDallas Fri 30-Nov-12 06:13:05

Downton, thank you, you are very kind thanks.

flow4 Fri 30-Nov-12 09:04:11

mumoftwo I am so sorry. What a raw, raw wound that must leave. I do hope you can come to forgive your son, and yourself... We all sit out here, and feel such compassion for you both... And you do deserve that compassion, you know... smile

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