Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

...to start moaning mn career mums - the sequel..

(117 Posts)

... because the old one filled up before I could say this to HoneyDragon:

HoneyDragon - despite the home-made shepherds pie evidence to the contrary, I am a bloddy neglectful parent too. I haven't immaced my children or dyed them blue, but I did let ds1 eat tortilla chips out of the bin, because it had stopped him tantrumming, and I didn't want him to start again. Oh, and he got stuck in the catflap once, and I didn't realise straight away.

Can I just post how smug I feel at getting the last post on the previous thread.

I might just have to boast to my bemused neglected children about it.

Sorry SDTG thanks

It's OK, Chaz - serves me right for typing too slowly!

I once forgot to pick up DD from playgroup.

Was engrossed in work, merrily deciding things when the phone went "Err, Mrs Scarlett, haven't you forgotten something"

"No, I don't think so"

"How about littleScarlett?"

"Oh, right"

blush

Dh says that qualifies you to be the next Prime Minister, Katie!

grin

Oh I did that too. I forgot ds2 was at basketball club instead of after school club. They phoned me and said "we have mini tantrums here in the office "

Me-why?

School-because you were supposed to pick him up 15 minutes ago from basketball!

Me-oh for fucks sake.

I'm doing good work on neglecting my dcs this evening. Dd3 has had soup sitting in on the sofa - because she was a very good girl when dragged shopping straight after school and by the time we got home we were both very cold and hungry. Dd1 and dd2 are currently sorting out their own jacket spuds with minimal input from me because I cannot be arsed [gron]

Dyed them blue? Are people talking about me?! <shifty eyes>

Jacket spuds with minimal input - this is a novel filling of which I have not heard, Northernlurker. grin

And oddly enough DD and DS are normal, healthy, happy teenagers who will both be off to uni within the next 22 months (and counting). They also have p/t jobs outside school and DD volunteers (just to up the smuggery-ante, Jenna, y'know).

They can both cook, clean and iron too. Still, that's more needs must grin

Nooooooooooo Beyond - HoneyDragon is the one who dyed the baby blue as well as immacing him. But feel free to confess your baby-dying sins here - no-one will laugh much! << adopts serious and sympathetic expression >>

What is this ironing of which you speak, Katie? Is it what dh does every weekend, so we all have flat clothes to wear? I do not iron - I am allergic.

Bigwuss Tue 27-Nov-12 18:35:30

DS has managed to loose his school shoes and we didn't have time to look for them this morning otherwise I'd be late for work, so he had to in green trainers and with scribbled note begging forgiveness.
Can I play too please?

altinkum Tue 27-Nov-12 18:36:24

I'm not sure what to hairdresser things of my parenting skills, both boys needed a very much needed haircut, while hairdresser says X. Do you know half your child's hair is missing...

Me asking ds (6) yes mum cut my own hair, as you took too long as it was annoying me... Asked him where the scissors are and he said... In your naughty drawer???!!!!

Still clueless and I'm now sure the hair dresser thinks I've got a drawer full of sex toys

grin my sister actually, not me, dyed DS1 blue. I mentioned it in the hairdye thread on the weekend. Weird coincidence there, phew smile
I do tell people about honeydragon and the immac often as it literally makes me lol, sorry honey

Minimal input is in the same supermarket aisle as extract of benign neglect. It looks strangely like beans, frozen sweetcorn and cheese. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it. You must have been too busy working.

I am mistress of the artful hangandstretch system SDTG

DH once critiqued my ironing of a shirt. It was both his last critique and thing I ever ironed.

Bigwuss of course! Welcome to the shite mothers club!

Me work? Nooooooo - how would I have time to mumsnet??

HoneyDragon Tue 27-Nov-12 18:43:47

<<hi fives SDTG>>

Do you know I still say your full name in my head when I type SDTG! grin

Beyond I swear the colour blue is actually a mavlevelont creature intent on thwarting owners of small people.

DH asked me to iron a shirt many years ago.
So I did. He took one look at it and ironed it again.

He irons the DCs school trousers with creases down the front and all that.
I have never done that.

He taught the teenagers how to iron a shirt and trousers perfectly.
And how to sew.

And brings home half the bacon. I don't do domestic. I am bloody amazing in bed though grin

I iron. I like to do so whilst watching something interesting. There's a fab documentary on the US Civil War that I'm using for ironing fodder atm. Dh know better than to critique. However I do always have an ironing pile the size of a small car.

My best shite mother story is when dd1 was in Year 1. I had shouted at her because whilst getting (slowly) dressed she had put her trousers on back to front causing a delay in getting out of the house. I took her to school and then hurtled off to work. When I got there I noticed a colleague was looking at me strangely and she kept on looking at me strangely. So I said somewhat snappily 'X what's the problem' and she replied 'oh nothing.....except Northern - have you got YOUR trousers on back to front?'

Exit Northern to loos to change mentally planning to buy offspring enormous chocolate model of self or similar as an apology.........

Arf at back-to-front trousies, Northern!

TandB Tue 27-Nov-12 18:48:31

Bloody thread filled up while I was expressing my outrage at being deleted. It went something like...

I am outraged, OUTRAGED I tell you, that my scholarly linguistic analyses of the OP's fake unusual posting idiosyncracies were deleted.

I spent some good, solid child-neglecting time researching and presenting my findings, and MNHQ just destroy whole MINUTES of study in two clicks of their delete button.

And besides, I NEVER get deleted. I am well-behaved.

Well, apart from the time I called someone a bigot, but in my defence, they were, in fact, a bigot.

Outraged!

SomebodySaveMe Tue 27-Nov-12 18:50:42

I turned around too quickly holding 4 day old DS and smacked his head on the doorframe. That same day I put him on the floor to change as DSD came charging into the room and tripped over him.

That confession may have been too awful for the bad mothers club blush

Not at all SSM

The first rule of the BMC is no Jenna-esque judgypants allowed.

I'm sure it taught DSD a valuable life lesson grin

TandB Tue 27-Nov-12 18:57:18

I've back-carried both of mine. I have smacked both their heads on doorframes.

With DS1 it was coming out of Starbucks and it seemed a good response to the horrified stares to announce cheerfully "It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last". blush

With DS2 it wasn't tecnically my fault. I was on my way out of a changing room at DS1's gym class and the woman coming the other way decided to was easier for me to reverse myself and a 3 year-old back through 2 sets of doors than it was for her to just wait for about 3 seconds. And then the mardy-faced cowbag got all jufgemental when I belted DS2 on the doorframe.

So I pointed out it had happened to DS1 loads of times.

That helped.

I think honeydragon is my new idol grin

Iron, what the bloody hell is one of those?!

Oh somebody - you simply aren't a mother till you've dropped, sat on or otherwise damaged the baby. My own mother left me on the changing table aged 1 week and I was so cross (wanted to feed) that I managed to flip myself off and on to the floor (narrowly missing falling in to the bucket of napisan) This led to my father getting a phone call at work saying 'your wife says to come home. It's the baby' and for him to rush home from work and go upstairs in his work boots (unheard of) I had a friend at school whose mother was taking her to her work to show her off (also aged 1 week) and she slipped on some snow and dropped the pfb on the bonnet of the car! I also know somebody who flipped their dc out of a moses basket whilst carrying it and somebody else whose child got a skull fracture from being dropped whilst going downstairs (baby was fine in the end)

HoneyDragon Tue 27-Nov-12 19:00:42

Kungfu I back carry. It alarms people like Jenna when theyare small when they realise you get them up there by swinging them round and hoping they stick long enough to tie on grin

And I myself tripped whilst putting dd1 in the pushchair and fell forwards smacking dd1's precious head on the bar underneath a nearby chair. Leading to a cut and bruise and running round to nearby A&E in the most unglued state I've ever been in.....

At least we earn enough to pay for DC future therapy needs. wink

takataka Tue 27-Nov-12 19:06:14

i borrowed this off a friend....

she let her 6 year old flip a pancake by himself. he flipped it up out of the sizzling flying pan into the air, and it landed on his joyful up turned face!

TandB Tue 27-Nov-12 19:15:38

Honeydragon - have you ever done it with a teeny-tiny baby? People get almost hysterical with judginess!

I back-carried DS2 for DS1's gym classes from 5 days old and every single week the same people would lurch towards me with arms outstretched and looks of utter horror. They didn't seem convinced when I pointed out that it was actually easier when they are tiny, as they just lie there and don't wriggle about!

GrimAndHumourlessAndEven Tue 27-Nov-12 19:17:41

ROAR at pancake boy (poor thing)

HoneyDragon Tue 27-Nov-12 19:17:59

Ds I did as I had a csection so it was more comfy. Dd was a winter baby so went in the fleecy peanut shell.

TandB Tue 27-Nov-12 19:18:36

To be fair I've never dropped a baby off my back yet.

I have however:

Tipped one out of a pram (DS1)
Let one slide of my lap at 2 weeks old (DS1)
Dropped one down the stairs (DS2)
Let one roll off the sofa (DS2)
Bashed one's head off the low roof in a car-park while lifting him out of the sling and going "Woooh" to make him laugh (DS2)

Do I win?

takataka Tue 27-Nov-12 19:44:24

grim it makes me lol everytime i think of it!

she filled up the kitchen sink with cold water and stuck his head in, to stop it burning!!

Fenton Tue 27-Nov-12 19:54:57

I've just caught up with that now full thread and was about to start a thread in honour of Honeydragon. I thought for a bit thinking that someone had probably beaten me to it, - thank you STDG - great minds think alike, eh?

I know mine is just a bit slower than STDG's - well, over an hour slower if we're going to be picky

Anyway I shall repost HoneyDragon's post of the, well... year actually:-

--------------------

Whoaaaah there

Who the hell says if you a Sahp you have to be good at it?

I immaced the baby, dyed her blue and only last month accidentially balded her....again.
My dogs brain is fucked.
Ds reduced his teacher to a hysterical wreck in the supplies cupboard after he called a TA misogynistic. I haven't ironed properly since the nineties and my house is literally falling apart.
Oh and I said shit in the school play ground last week.

I'll have you ALL know I am a shit employee and parent, thank you!

---------------------

We love you, HoneyDragon, - you instantly turned that thread into the utter joke it was. grin

Great minds indeed, Fenton - we has 'em!

colleysmill Tue 27-Nov-12 20:39:57

Missed the first thread - how do you qualify for this thread? grin

Oh, this is a Shite Mothers Club <relief> - may I join??

I was so intimidated by the thread title of the last one, I did not even open it. In case I felt inferior or got The Rage by reading about all these lying perfect mums.

Benign neglect is the Only Way with 4 darling offspring IMO. And working. And stopping a house from falling down around our ears.

No ironing here - I too have perfected the art of '5 minutes in tumble dryer, shake that has to crack like a whip and haning up tidily'. DH does his own shirts.
Cheese strings, fruitshoots and sausage rolls all in regular evidence here.
DCs parked in front of screens - tick

I bake my own bread - from Lidl breadmix in a breadmaker. Takes far less time than going to the shops to buy bread grin.

I dropped preemie DS2 on his head in a sleep-befuddled state - he seems no more damaged than the undropped children.

I think benign neglect is what prepares children for when they have to fend for themselves... grin

How on earth did I miss the first thread? Finally somewhere I feel at home grin

DH and I are firm adherents to the Benign Neglect School of Parenting.

Started when DD1 was couple of weeks old and I dropped her in her car seat, slid down, hit side table, flipped overhand she landed upside down. Have forgotten to collect both DDs on several occasions. Send them to school with the wrong kit. Never iron. Have a lie in every single weekend now that they know how to turn on the TV and computer and fix some breakfast.

I wrote my post about an hour ago before the madness that is bedtime here distracted me.

I bet pancake boy is an expert pancake flipper by now....

I have to admit to get very judgy when a nursery teacher lets slip that many of the preschoolers don't know how to use scissors because 'they are not allowed to use them at home'.
I also judge our neighbour who always collects his 12 year, soon to go to the big school, daughter from the local school which is a 10min walk away, no roads to cross without a Pelican crossing and/or lollipol person.
I judge people who baby-proof their homes to the point where nobody can access a socket or open/close a door.

I suppose all this judging makes me feel better about all the things they are horrified about me doing grin.

Maybe there should be a seperate thread for the Honeydragon Fan Club??
I do lurvve you too, you know <<coy, Diana-esque look with eyelash flash>>

kungfupanda, head smacking against doorframes only counts if results in visible bruise/cut and/or fracture, sorry.

There IS the alarming story of my best friend whose 8 month old rolled off a futon bed, bumped her head, cried, was easily consoled and behaved normally all day. Until hours later her mother felt the depressed skull fracture... Baby now 15 and none the worse of a bit of open-skull surgery shockhmm.

Both of my children fell down the stairs as toddlers. I hung a heavy basket on the back of the buggy in the supermarket unfortunately the basket was heavier than DS1, physics took over and the buggy tipped over backwards.

I have found if I lie in long enough on the weekend sometimes the boys bring me breakfast in bed (I'm training them well).

Proudnscary Tue 27-Nov-12 20:59:30

WHAT WAS THE THREAD?

I once played a rather overly exuberant game of pushing the baby's buggy and letting it go. It went something like: 'one...two...three...wheeeeee!!...FUUUUCK!!!!!!' as he plunged into the middle of the road as I hadn't strapped him in. I may or may not have had a G&T that lunchtime.

gordyslovesheep Tue 27-Nov-12 21:01:21

I had a sling for DD3 trying to be a bit 'earth mummy' but due to my tiny size all I did was band her head onto the kitchen work surfaces and dining table - repeatedly - oh and the sink when brushing my teeth

dd2 fell from top to bottom of the stairs aged 10 months

dd1 fell backwards onto a marble fireplace twice ...in 1 day

growingbytheday Tue 27-Nov-12 21:02:34

I think there might be something about the colour blue........

Didn't notice DD eating a toilet block until another shopper pointed it out-DD screamed when I took it off her-I screamed when I saw her blue mouth, tongue and hands. Mad, wild eyed rush to A&E -DD had her mouth washed while whimpered. No ill effects but some very interesting nappies after.
I think I have found my home grin

EasilyBored Tue 27-Nov-12 21:03:53

DS was in the jumperoo, half having a good old bounce, half having a bit of a whine. Whining overtook, when I eventually tore myself away from the internet I found that it was because the cat was sat under the jumperoo trying to chew the baby's feet.

DS is perpetually covered in bruises and scrapes (he likes to crawl at speed, or lurch into anything pointy, hard, or sharp), to the point where when someone asked me how he got the MASSIVE bruise on his forehead, I honestly didn't have a clue/didn't remember him doing it.

Um, can I have some more details on how you immaced a baby, honeydragon?

Plomino Tue 27-Nov-12 21:08:38

Can I join in , and confess that I once knocked DS4 clean out of the back door , down two steps and onto the patio after I backed into him with a (can't believe I'm confessing to using one ) Hoover ?

Due the second trip to a and e in a week . He'd already been there once for running into the bannister at the bottom of the stairs and giving himself an egg sized lump .

NellyBluth Tue 27-Nov-12 21:09:01

What's back carrying? confused

The very first day we had DD at home after a short stay in NICU, I managed to give her a healthy bruise by trying to brush my hair while holding her and twatting her on the forehead with the hairbrush.

BTW, the original thread was absolutely bloody hilarious. As a non-married, f/t working mum who keeps her income separate from her DP, I couldn't stop laughing. My poor, poor baby. She is certainly not blessed...

I put so much blue food colouring into the icing for a joint birthday cake (a space rocket on a dark blue background) that they all did bright green poo!

And the very fact that it was a joint cake, for a joint party for all three of them, has to be pretty neglectful - ie. I couldn't face doing three parties year.

KungFu, the Hair dye boy thread went poof?? Really? shock.
I had not even realised. It was bad, mind, but I enjoyed your research if it is any consolation.

Nelly, back carrying is when you carry a baby on your back in a sling. It involves a Santa-swings-his-sack-on-his-back kind of technique that people of a nervous disposition and a morbid imagination find alarming. I cannot think why... grin
It is actually v easy and as others have said, even easier with a tiny little person because they lie still once landed on mums back and don't wriggle around.

Kalisi Tue 27-Nov-12 21:15:16

My Dad once slammed the car door on my sisters fingers. Thinking the door had jammed on something he opened it and shut the door on her fingers again completely oblivious to her screams!
I'm the clumsiest parent imaginable and now I know where I got it from hmm
My sis was fine btw.

SDTG (I too still say your whole name in my head, because otherwise I get the capital letters in the wrong order), I am very guilty of the joint birthday party approach - all 4 of mine are born in the same month; 2 of them on the same day 6 years apart. Yes, I am amazing at scheduling things. But no, we do do it more than once a year grin.
Food dye is evil. Trufact.

HoneyDragon Tue 27-Nov-12 21:21:17

Kalisi

My Mum did that to me when I was 38 weeks with ds hmm

Then sat in the car crying hysterically whilst I patted her ineffectually with my buggered hand.

She cheered up when she got her DGS in her hands the next day. What with setting off my labour! grin

I have to stop and check that I have my initials in the right order, Pacific. But I can't name change to something similar, because I wouldn't feel like me any more. What a numpty, eh!

You could go as Genius grin - it has a certain ring to it.

I feel I need a namechange for privacy reasons, but cannot think of anything that would feel like 'me', I totally know what you mean. Nuts!

TandB Tue 27-Nov-12 21:32:10

Pacific - it was the WOH/SAHM bunfight thread, not the hairdye one. The hairdye one was the one on which I indulged in a spot of light Latvian which I expect everyone thought was secretly rude and insulting, but actually meant "I speak a little Latvian, MNHQ, but my grammar and spelling are crap."

Can we add some bad driving stories as well as bad parenting ones?

I took some tiny back lanes today to avoid horrendous traffic jam on the way to a doctor's appointment. I vaguely know this stretch of the lanes and was therefore watching out for a left turn. Unfortunately, the stop sign has disappeared at the crossroads where I turn left, and the road is so muddy that you can't see the white lines so I hurtled merrily clean across the crossroads without stopping, screeching to a halt with a scream when I realised. Fortunately these lanes are generally fairly empty.....

verlainechasedrimbauds Tue 27-Nov-12 21:45:57

Friends were in rented property with young children. The garden was steep and terraced. On the first day there, father was holding baby, mother spotted exploring toddler heading for edge of terrace and asked father to go out and stop him falling over the edge. She stood at the window and watched open mouthed as father walked towards toddler, slipped, drop-kicked toddler over the edge of terrace and threw baby up in to the air (fortunately catching said baby on its return to earth). Toddler was fine apparently but both parents required medicinal brandy.

kungfu (do you insist on not capitalising your name to annoy Chaos btw?), thanks. I went and checked and Hair dye boy is still there, but has thankfully died a death. Phew! It was not pretty.

Sounds like I was right not to have looked at the original Career MN mums thread...

Bad driving?? Hm... reversing out of the garage with tailgate open, thereby ruining tailgate AND garage?
Driving on the wrong side of the road when I first moved to Britain?
Getting car (with trailer full off timber) stuck in mud with my efforts trying to get out resulting in the car being burried up to its axles, necessitating a frigging tractor to pull us out?
No, I cannot think of any such occasions... blush

verlaine, that's ACE!!

pointythings Tue 27-Nov-12 21:57:34

To all those people whose DCs are able to iron - sorry, you do not qualify for the shite mothers club.

I used our iron a little while ago. To melt some spilled candlewax and soak it into some kitchen towel. It does not know what clothes are.

I allowed DD1 to launch herself out of her high chair in a fit of mad eagerness to do some toddling, and she fell out and hit the sideboard. The black eye was amazing.

DD2 had a swallowing coins phase. DH got very good at dismembering unusually heavy poos that would not flush. Hey, a pound is a pound, right? Theyd on't hafl go a funny colour, though.

We've had blue poo, glitter poo and the amazing cod-and-spinach poo (that last one goes on the list of 'Unbelievably Heroic Nappy Changes' because it was a washable nappy and we took it home and washed it instead of selling it to some foreign dictator to use as chemical warfare.

ShakiestDude Tue 27-Nov-12 22:59:45

I put my ds in his swinging chair thing at 5 months old, we had used it loads.

I thought this was a good opportunity to have a quick wee in peace as ds was strapped in all safe. He chose the exact moment, when you are mid pee at the point of no return, when you couldn't stop if your ds life depended on it, to decide he could reach forward and tip the whole bastard thing up. He landed on his head, the chair landed in the garage, never to be seen again sad

ShakiestDude Tue 27-Nov-12 23:01:05

I don't even know where my iron is, I pay my ironing fairy £12 a week to do my ironing. I love her

colleysmill Tue 27-Nov-12 23:52:57

Honestly please don't worry about anything you've confessed.

My lovely MIL (and she is lovely) was driving home one day. She didn't realise that dh ( about 5 at the time) had opened the car door and fallen out (nb this was the 70's so no safety anything) despite his dsis shouting "jacks fallen out the car!" . She didn't actually realise until she got home half a mile away.

They drove back and dh was just sat on the roadside waiting for them. Poor poor MIL has never lived it down.

And that's why we have child locks in modern cars grin

OhDearNigel Tue 27-Nov-12 23:59:40

Can I share my snarky text to DH the other morning when he kept texting me about various nursery-uniform related trivia.

"I am very busy at work. I do not have time to spare to think about the minutaeae of DD's nursery outfit. Can you please stop bothering me"

I am a heartless bitch on wheels, me grin

VicarInaTutu Wed 28-Nov-12 00:03:48

i clicked this thread with trepidation.....but am grin at it now despite not ever having turned either one of my DC blue, losing them or otherwise doing them a damage.

there is still time.

BettySuarez Wed 28-Nov-12 00:13:05

Please may I join?

I once woke up late on a school morning feeling slightly hungover worse for wear and realised that I could only find enough clean uniform for 75% of my brood. So I had to convince my eldest that she wasn't well that day. I expected her to be grin but instead she was hmm

takataka Wed 28-Nov-12 00:24:26

colleys that reminds me of a tale my dad tells me...

My mum came out of shop to find I was not where she had left me in my pushchair (70s again-ok to leave kids outside shops). Ran around for a bit, talked to shop keepers, rang police.....then realised she hadn't brought me with her. I was still sat in my pushchair in the hallway at home..

WilsonFrickett Wed 28-Nov-12 00:52:39

DS's nursery called my mobile when I was in the middle of a teleconference. I was chairing, so put them on mute to answer the mobile.

Nursery: hello Wilson, just to let you know Wilson Jr has a temp of 40 degrees.
Me (puzzled): thank you for telling me that. Why are you calling?
Nursery: can you come and get him?
Me: yes, eventually. Thank you for calling.

Half an hour later, meandering towards the bus, it struck me that 40 was very high. It was equal to almost 100, according to my phone. I got a taxi. And blamed school for not teaching me the difference between metric and imperial.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair Wed 28-Nov-12 06:34:47

HERE you are! I've been waiting for a thread like this

My kids constantly look grubbier than Worzel fucking gummage - my mum is constantly berating me for not wiping then up every fricking second

DS crawled off a 4ft high sofa onto a concrete floor right on his noggin

DD is often to be found. With her grubby hands down a toilet bowl, trying to scoop water into her mouth (boak)

Both children are having leftover birthday cake for breakfast at the moment

I do not own an iron (but quite like the idea of an ironing fairy!)

GirlWithTheMouseyHair Wed 28-Nov-12 06:40:00

Er....got so drunk at a friends BBQ that I promptly threw up everywhere abc DH had to take me home - but we didn't have a car so we walked and I had to use the buggy, which DS was placidly sleeping in, to keep myself upright. I was in bed by 9pmblush

DBro arranged a farewell drinks thing at a pizza restaurant and bar near me so I could stay as long as DS would let me. We all meet at 5pm. Somewhere around 8pm DS takes himself to his buggy (aged about 22months) and puts himself to bed in the corner of the beer garden. 11pm I am asked to leave as bar staff have spotted little feet sticking out of the covered buggy in a dark corner, and their licence for minors ran out 3hours previously. Cue drunk walk home using buggy as a prop (but of an ongoing theme)

WilsonFrickett Wed 28-Nov-12 10:27:57

The first mumsnet thread I ever read involved The Benign Parenting School and a story where a MNer had been bf at night, the baby had rolled off and halfway down the bed. Half waking up a bit later, the MNer thought the cat was lying on her feet so flicked them up to dislodge the cat. Which was the baby. Which flew threw the air in a most satisfying manner.

I had found my home grin

firemansamisnormansdad Wed 28-Nov-12 11:32:19

I haven't given my eldest child much attention since her baby brother was born. I woke up this morning and my 9 year old girl is suddenly 14 and doing her GCSEs.

At the stage when all three of mine needed supervision and help to get through the breakfast-and-dressing-for-school rigmarole, and still needed walking to school, I was woken up one morning by the overhead light going on in my bedroom. As the alarm hadn't gone off, I assumed it was early, and snarled said "Put the light OUT!" The light went out, and after a couple of seconds of silence, ds1 said tentatively - "It's 8.17, mum - shall I put the light back on?" As we had to leave the house at 8.25am to walk to school, I concurred - and shot out of bed and into my clothes, and went downstairs to find them all breakfasted and ready for school - we weren't even late.

BettySuarez Wed 28-Nov-12 11:50:20

fire sad

catgirl1976 Wed 28-Nov-12 11:52:27

I missed the first thread!

Was the gist that I am a bad mother as I dump DS in a day orphage and skip off to work each day or have I misconstrued the title?

ATailOfTwoKitties Wed 28-Nov-12 11:54:51

S'OK, Catgirl. I think you could probably write the thread without help from the OP!

ShamyFarrahCooper Wed 28-Nov-12 11:56:29

ds went to school in black skinny jeans today (he's 5, in p1). It's wednesday and he had no clean school trousers. DH & I frantically searched his cupboards whilst trying to figure out how we only had 2 days of clean trousers, whilst double checking the ones he wore yesterday and Monday absolutely could not be sprayed with febreeze. They were all covered in who-knows-what.

catgirl1976 Wed 28-Nov-12 11:57:16

Ahhhhhhhhh.....

Why did I bother to have kids etc?

SAHMS are lazy? WOHMs are selfish?

Nurserys are evil?

I like those threads. grin

catgirl1976 Wed 28-Nov-12 11:58:13

I found DS playing with the Calpol bottle the other day blush sad

That was pretty much it, catgirl. Plus the fact that you are not allowed to moan about it because it was your choice to neglect your child in this way, and frankly you should downsize (despite the fact that, as I pointed out to the OP, downsizing is not that easy, and costs several thousands of our fine British pounds).

Oh - and the OP gave up her career to look after her child, and to make sure her house is always clean and her dh has a home cooked meal every night - because their marriage is so blessed that he is happy to support her to do this.

But her career was managing one of her daddy's companies, and it is fair to assume that, when she wants to go back to work, she will be going back to work for daddy again - a somewhat privileged position, not shared by most women, as I also pointed out to the OP.

Annoyingly, she didn't acknowledge any of my great wisdom!blushgrin

Now, off you go back to your selfish career whilst your poor child is sent up chimneys or locked in cupboards to facilitate your meteoric rise.

DS2 fell out of the top bunk and banged his arm, I did the 'is it broken? Is it bleeding' routine, he seemed fine. A week latter i noticed that his arm was at a funny angle, had it x-rated, it was broken. I blame him though, he didn't tell me it was broken!
Same DS when he was 3, we came home and I left him to take his coat off whilst did a loo dash. I heard an almighty scream, rushed downstairs to find DS on floor with his mouth pouring with blood. He had got his arms stuck, tripped up on nothing and smacked his chin on the floor. The result was a broken jaw, poor thing could only eat very soft foods for 6 weeks.

Can I have a bad mother medal please?

Hayleyh34 Wed 28-Nov-12 12:12:45

Ah but I am extra evil. I adopted a child and went back to work full-time, I will be struck down!

ATailOfTwoKitties Wed 28-Nov-12 12:14:06

Binky, I have a zero success rate at telling broken from non-broken limbs.

Toddler DS: fall from toddler climbing frame, still attempting to go back up: broken leg
Baby DD: woke up crying in pram: broken arm [GP thought 'she'd slept on it awkwardly' -- still baffled by that one!]
Toddler DD again: fell over on lawn: broken arm
10-yr-old DS2: judo accident, rushed over to hosital at instructor's urgent call: nothing broken at all
13-yr-old DS: terrific crash at ice rink, white faced, unable to breathe: nothing broken at all

That's why they have X-ray machines I think.

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 28-Nov-12 12:18:20

Oh my god this thread is the funniest thing I've ever read!

It's like I've come home.

5mo DS pinged off the bed, cue hysterics, tearful snotty (mine) trip to a&e, self indulgent thread on here, hmm faces from doctors as completely unmarked DS grinned at them. I vowed to never be so neglectful again.

The next day I dropped him on the kitchen floor.

He had a massive egg on his head when I kicked him over and he went flying into the door frame. In my defence the doorway is a stupid place to sit.

He got his first black eye from falling eye first into the corner of my chair. Again not my fault as 5yo dniece was meant to be looking after him whilst I ate cake.

My finest hour though would have to be spending ages trying to calm him down in his high chair when he was in hysterics in his highchair. I'd given him his favourite food and had no idea why he was so upset.

In the end I got a bit cross and said fine, get down then but you're not having anything else.

His skin was caught in the plastic snap-fasten buckle thing blush it must have hurt like a bastard blush

DD(20) has MS. When she relapses she loses the use of her limbs. It's tends to happen without notice and she just collapses on the floor in a heap.
DH and I went out for the day, returned home to find the house unlocked and empty, DD had collapsed in the bathroom, passed out as she went down and was led behind the door, rescue involved paramedics climbing in through the window and rescuing her, because of the circumstances she had to be taken to a&e.
We went up to find out if she was ok, she was just unable to move, as you all know a&e is a very boring place, especially when waiting for results, so DH and I decided to entertain ourselves, playing pat a cake pat a cake with DDs useless arms. The doctor didn't look impressed when he popped his head the curtain.

I think it is probably just as well Jenna hasn't come to this thread - she would faint at all the stories of neglect on here!

Her house is definitely cleaner and tidier than mine - but I prefer life on the Dark Side with you lot!

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 28-Nov-12 12:52:01

Oh my house is immaculately clean.

It's practically made of sharp edges and corners though

This is not helped by the fact that DS tends to put his face out to stop himself if he falls hmm

(It has to be clean. I have 2 cats and a dog and DS likes to pick things up off the floor and eat them)

Randall
Your story reminds me of DS1 howling when DH put his bike helmet on before he went in the toddler seat on the bike. DH was telling him not be so silly until we noticed DH had pinched the skin under DS's jaw in the clip of the helmet. The mark took a couple of days to fade. blush

I have two dogs and a cat, and my house is pretty much carpeted with dog hair. It will get better this week, though, as MIL is coming to visit. Not that I have to clean up for her - she says she would rather help me clean than have me fret about it before she comes - but when I am expecting visitors is the only time the hoover makes an appearance.

So that's me off Jenna's christmas card list.

catgirl1976 Wed 28-Nov-12 12:59:36

My house is clean as I have a cleaner and DH gets a lovely cooked meal every night simply by selecting a takeaway menu from the kitchen drawer

Am an excellent wife grin

Hayleyh34 Wed 28-Nov-12 13:13:28

My DH gets a lovely homecooked meal every night by cooking it himself!

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 28-Nov-12 13:43:19

STDG I feel your pain. When DS first learnt to roll over he took on the function of a lint roller!

The problem now is mainly that when I get him out of his high chair him and the dog race to eat the dropped crumbs blush

We didn't have a dog at the high chair stage - now we have a lab and a lab cross who would catch any crumbs before they even hit the floor.

I once wondered why ds1 had gone so quiet in his highchair, whilst eating his lunch, so wandered out of the kitchen to find him fast asleep, pillowed on a marmite sandwich!

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Wed 28-Nov-12 14:02:46

I am howling at this thread. And I don't even have children!

I was briefly a bad assistant Brownie leader. One of the girls had a habit of screaming loudly when excited, so I shouted at her to be quiet. Then realised that she'd tripped over and her nose was bleeding profusely...

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 28-Nov-12 14:09:14

Aww, sandwich pillow, nice and soft!

For some reason the dog is beautifully obedient when DS is eating and salivates from a polite distance. Unfortunately as soon as I lift him out all bets are off!

I once sat transfixed as DS picked something off the dog's back and ate it. I've convinced myself he was just pretending.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 28-Nov-12 14:14:52

So you're saying it only counts as smacking their heads on the door frame if there's blood and/or bruising? Phew. In that case I never bumped any of my babies' heads on any door frames.

I suppose on that basis DS4 never did a back-flip off my arm and plunged head first onto the floor in AllSports either blush But you would have thought from all those customers' judgy faces that he had.

I feel like this is my spiritual home!

Out shopping with a very whingey DD who likes to drag her feet and walk 10 paces behind me. She had been moaning and whingeing all morning and I was fit to burst, so when I heard 'Muuuuum...' I snapped 'What now!?' in a 'I am about to combust with rage' voice, and the poor little girl walking with her mum behind me looked like the child catcher had come to life and had sniffed her out.... I have never grovelled to a stranger so much in my life [embarrassed]

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 28-Nov-12 14:39:47

Absolutley Annie, no harm no foul.

<<Puts that forward as a contender for one of the mantras of the BMC>>

Spirael Wed 28-Nov-12 14:44:36

Oh, can I join? grin Being the terrible WOHM that I am, DH and I ended up being at Ikea with DD (almost 2) on a busy Saturday morning.

DD, while toddling along, fell over onto the concrete in the warehouse area and started howling. In a hurry and trying to get out of the way of the hoards of other customers, I just scooped her up, hurried after DH and made generic consoling noises along with "Oh you'll be fine..."

After seeing several shock expressions from other customers as I walked past them, and suddenly noticing my back was feeling rather warm, I reassessed the situation and belatedly discovered DD nose was bleeding profusely over both of us and leaving a nice trail along the floor.

I once stupidly left DD aged about 3 unattended while I was on the phone.

She was very quiet, the conversation was interesting, all good thought I.

Till I began to get itchy about the length of the silence and went to look for DD

She was in the bathroom shaving her legs with her fathers razor.

After I'd had a shrieking breakdown I examined poor neglected DD to ascertain the level of razorage on her legs.

They were shaved perfectly, no cuts, no stubble, she could have been an ad for pretty polly.

We still laugh about that one round these parts grin

egusta Wed 28-Nov-12 14:54:20

Do I win? i once tipped DS aged 18 months upside down almost out of his pram between the gap between train and platform.

(In my defence, I had not noticed he had gotten one arm out of the buckle, and I had been pushed hard from behind by an impatient asshole who was sick of me trying to manouvre said pram out off the train.

DS was 100% fine. I was in hysterics and a nice lady paid for me to get a taxi home.)

whoneedssleepanyway Wed 28-Nov-12 15:18:15

I left DD2 in the back of a taxi in Lanzarote, the driver dropped us at the villa we all got out took bags in started looking around then DH and I looked at each other and said simultaneously "did you get DD2 out of the taxi" we both raced out of the door and he had driven off but stopped a few doors up to talk to someone, he hadn't even realised he still had a baby in the back either.

blush

GirlWithTheMouseyHair Wed 28-Nov-12 15:36:55

I stupidly left DS unattended on a nappy channging table, he was sat on it with his legs dangling over the edge. Of course he tumbled forward, face first onto a concrete floor, blood everywhere - the poor woman breastfeeding her newborn in the corner of the baby room was more hysterical than I was

neriberi Wed 28-Nov-12 15:52:53

I fell over while carrying my son through Didcot station to see Thomas the Tank Engine, I was wearing high heels at the time. I've also managed to tip my son out of his pushchair by misjudging the curb while talking on my mobile, I was wearing trainers at the time.

WilsonFrickett Wed 28-Nov-12 16:41:49

KatieScarlett has to win a prize for that one grin

Neriberi - are you Peaches Geldof? grin

egusta - that one's making me feel sick. Thank heavens for nice ladies eh?

egusta Thu 29-Nov-12 11:10:48

It was horrendous. The asshole who pushed me (man in a suit, clearly rushing to get somewhere important) never even stopped. I had DS hanging half out, I had me with one leg down between the gap and my knee on the platform. Makes me shake even thinking about it. Have never taken him on a train since.

LittleBearPad Thu 29-Nov-12 20:30:53

Egusta that's horrible what a twat. I like the woman who paid for your cab.

I am choosing to believe that no bruise means I didn't bang my two week old DD's head into a doorframe tripping over a bloody bouncy chair. Cue hysterics (from me) and panicked call to NHS direct. Last month when she tipped off the sofa (DH's fault) I was rather more sanguine figuring if DH cried an then cheered up she was ok. slightly scared by unknown depressed head fracture

nochipsthanks Thu 29-Nov-12 21:33:40

Oh, we called NHS direct when our first DC was about 4 days old, and DH pulled the t-shirt down over his tummy and his stub of belly button popped off. I totally lost it and thought DS would bleed to death.

MakeItALarge Thu 29-Nov-12 22:45:23

Before I had my dc I was at a friends upstairs flat and the steps down were outside. She was argueing with her eldest dd so I helped by getting dd2 in her pram, pushing it to the top of the stairs then, as I turned round to lock the door, I knocked the pram down the concrete steps with my arse blush

The pram did two full rolls before landing right way up, her dd was screaming but didnt have a mark on her. I never got asked to babysit again grin

nochips grin.

egusta shock, that sounds horrible. That nice lady must have restored your belief in the kindness of human nature after being knocked down by Mr Important.

Well, re heads/bleeding - as of last night blush I have a story to contibute:
Long day at the office, I arrived home at the same time as Ds1 and 2 coming from their sports club. Some happy fooling around in the kitchen, DS2 (8) teased me about something, I still had my ginormous down jacket in my hand and made to put its hood over his head.
He took evasive action and ducked.
Dear Reader, he smacked his poor forehead hard against the corner of the kitchen worktop shock.
The noise on impact.
The noise from wailing.
Poor nanny was still present and stood with her mouth open - she'd had a 12 hours day (as had I) and could not believe her eyes.
Blood everywhere.

Pressure applied with dirty dishcloth, coldpack and then damage assessed: 1/2 cm cut, nice and clean, but deep.
Hey ho, couple of steri-strips later, he was right as rain and all day today has been delighting people with the story of how he 'annoyed mummy and she whacked my head off the kitchen worktop'.

I didn't touch him, honest, guv' (I cannot deny that I am quite glad to have a witness to events, though...) Dead proud he is of his war wound, too.

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