to be upset that dh has agreed to sil doing this

(93 Posts)
Splatt34 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:50:03

DD is 2. Pantomime wasn't even on my radar for this year. I got home tonight to DH telling me his sister is taking DD to pantomime. His sister is older & has never wanted kids. She has babysat in the evenings about 5 times but has never had DD to entertain on her own in waking hours.

I also feel that a child's first trip to the theatre is something special & always envisaged sharing this experience with DD & DH as a family. I don't really think she's old enough this year but I am really upset that I won't be sharing her first panto with her. (I am also 15 weeks pregnant & slightly hormonal)

DH thinks I'm being selfish. What do you guys think?

Turniphead1 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:51:36

She's far too young for panto. She won't be able to sit through it I'd imagine. YANBU B

mrskeithrichards Mon 26-Nov-12 20:51:58

Not selfish, a bit precious maybe! She won't remember, but will have fun and you can put your feet up! Win win!

Doshusallie Mon 26-Nov-12 20:52:06

Can't you go too! I would be upset to miss this as well....yanbu.

SingingSands Mon 26-Nov-12 20:52:12

Why don't you get a family ticket and you can all go together? DD can sit next to Auntie and Mummy.

cornycarrotshack Mon 26-Nov-12 20:53:27

Sil is trying to do a nice thing
Yabu

cjo1 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:54:16

YNBU- Im much more hands on with DN than your SIL appears to be but this year she is having her first trip to panto with just her mum. SIL did ask if I wanted to take her but I felt it was something they should do together.

And even if it was selfish arent you allowed to want to do special things with your own child?!

WinklyVersusTheZombies Mon 26-Nov-12 20:56:20

YABU. She's trying to be nice not to piss on your chips. You can't sulk at her for doing something you weren't going to do, then say 'but I wanted to do that'.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Nov-12 20:56:40

Ummm, you might be being a bu.

But then my Gran took me to the pantomime when I was little so I don't see it as a "mum" thing to do really. <not helpful>

whois Mon 26-Nov-12 20:57:21

YABU

Honestly get a grip, SIL is trying to be nice! There will be plenty of other 'firsts' you can do with DD and 'first panto' that she probably won't sit thru or remember in a few months is not such a biggie.

Most people would be happy that SIl was taking an interest.

Hesterton Mon 26-Nov-12 20:57:43

You can be generous. Let her go with her auntie, you have so many other firsts.

Antidote Mon 26-Nov-12 20:58:06

I don't know your child, but if someone offered to take DS to the theater I would

1. Be massively thankful I didn't have to sit through the tripe that is panto.
2. Bite their arm off at the idea of a few child free hours.
3. PMLS at the very notion DS might be persuaded to sit in one place for more than 5 minutes.

Hesterton Mon 26-Nov-12 20:58:06

Ooo cross posts

ShiftyFades Mon 26-Nov-12 20:58:14

My DS was 2.5 when I first took him to the theatre. We saw Fireman Sam. He was mesmerised.
He was as good as gold and we saw Roary The Racing Car a couple of months later.
We took him to the Panto for the first time last year, he was 3.1

Yanbu to not want to miss the first trip to the theatre but you might find he'll be fine.

I'd suggest you all go grin

Goldmandra Mon 26-Nov-12 20:59:17

I think you should write a lists of how many firsts you have done and how many you expect to do. It will probably take you a long time and a few pages.

Then consider how important this one little first really is, especially as she'll be too young to understand it properly.

You've got the rest of her childhood to celebrate her firsts with her and IME every time you take them to the theatre unless they are too young it is a magical experience. You'll have plenty more opportunities.

Just make sure your SIL knows that you will be taking her next year if you don't want it to become a tradition that she takes her.

Splatt34 Mon 26-Nov-12 21:01:45

I sort of can't help but think sil has never even taken her to the park & suddenly she's taking her to panto. I happen to be off work on the selected day so it's normally a rare day for DD & I together, but the tickets have already been booked so I can't go with, or I'd be sat alone which sort if defeats the point

balia Mon 26-Nov-12 21:02:33

She may not realise that this might be challenging for DD and it will be a good learning experience for them both. When you know she is ready for a theatre experience you can take her, you'll have a great time.

You are being a bit selfish. She wants to bond with DD. Trust me, as the parent of an 18 year old, somewhere down the line you and she will be grateful that there are other adults who love her and can talk to her in difficult times.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 26-Nov-12 21:06:44

If your SIL doesn't know how you feel then how is she supposed to make this right? I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I don't see the big deal about a pantomime really but each to their own.

There seems to be a bit of a trend on MN at the moment of proprietorial mothers wanting to claim all kinds of 'firsts' for really quite inconsequential (in my opinion) things. If they're not very careful, they will end up doing all the firsts, seconds, thirds and everything else as family members lose interest. We'll then see a slew of posts along the lines of "Thought my family would be more interested in the DCs...".

Communication is key. This is a family member you're talking about.

Sirzy Mon 26-Nov-12 21:10:05

She is trying to be nice. There are plenty of other chances for trips to see shows!

DS went to his first show (Peppa Pig) when he was just over 2. My nephew was with us and he was 17 months old so he isn't necessarily too young.

JennyPiccolo Mon 26-Nov-12 21:12:22

My dd has just turned 2 and she's been to the theatre a couple of times. We went to the singing kettle when she was 18mo and she loved it. So your dd might quite enjoy it.

As for the sil thing, I know what it's like, but you need to pick your battles. I would let them go this time, especially since you are pg, it might be good for them to bond before the baby's born. If you need some help with child care after the birth or something it'd be good to know they get on we'll enough for you to leave them together.

apostropheuse Mon 26-Nov-12 21:12:29

YABU

She's just trying to do something nice. You weren't going to do it anyway.

Enjoy your free time. Presumably she's going to the matinee performance - you and DH could go for a nice lunch on your own.

coldcupoftea Mon 26-Nov-12 21:16:10

I can see where you're coming from. But....
a) She will never remember it so it's honestly not that big a deal.
b) If it goes well it will be a nice bonding experience for SIL and DD.
c) There is no way you can reasonably object to this without coming across as a precious over-emotional screaming harpee to DH's family.

Just say 'great, thanks!' and enjoy a couple of hours to yourself!

MikeOxard Mon 26-Nov-12 21:16:17

Give her the money for the tickets and take dd yourself. It is a bit of a shame for sil, but it sounds like it would be a bigger deal for you to miss out on this than it would be to sil.

Gumby Mon 26-Nov-12 21:19:31

God I don't understand this way of thinking at all

My sister was so cross her sil took her ds on a train for the first time
I just thought her ds was lucky to have such a loving aunt

OpheliaPayneAgain Mon 26-Nov-12 21:20:05

Oh for the love of God, do be so petty and mealy mouthed.

This isn't your exclusive child - your DP (poor sod) has an equal say over child arrangements. fact is, SIL bothered to book a panto - you didn't. You know what, they might even enjoy it.

FWIW for those with the wriggly arsed children, mine could sit through theatre/panto from 20 months and not be a PIA.

SlightlyConfusedAlwaysMad Mon 26-Nov-12 21:20:05

Is there any chance you can take dd to the theatre before hand if its so important to you? That way you get your special moment, sil gets to treat and enjoy spending time with dd and everyone is happy?

MikeOxard Mon 26-Nov-12 21:20:26

Maybe emphasise to SIL that you need some bonding time with dd at the moment. When you are heavily pregnant and when you have a newborn, outings with dd will be rarer and not quite the same, so you should make the most of all the just you and her time that you have left imo.

At two she will never remember going so when she's 4 you can take her and she will be able to sit and enjoy it with you.
Let her go and I bet sil will have a hell of a time trying to get her to sit still! grin

MikeOxard Mon 26-Nov-12 21:25:16

"SIL bothered to book a panto - you didn't."

^ Wow ophelia, that was rude! OP 'bothered' to conceive, carry and give birth to the child and look after her every moment since, so if she really wants to be the first to take her to a panto, she has earnt that right imo.

wigglesrock Mon 26-Nov-12 21:25:23

My aunt always took us to the panto blush It was lovely, a real Christmassy tradition. She is almost 10 years younger than my Mum and therefore in our eyes so much cooler grin, she now takes my children to panto, Disney on Ice etc - she is still very cool in their eyes grin

To be honest I'm more than grateful to her, my children love spending time with her, I feckin' hate Panto and it soooo expensive.

PropositionJoe Mon 26-Nov-12 21:26:27

Why in earth would either of you WANT to take a two year old to the panto? Let her go, have a nice afternoon off, it will still be special in two years when you all go.

DeWe Mon 26-Nov-12 21:28:47

I took dd1 to the panto when she was just 2yo. She enjoyed it, but there were a few moments in it when I don't think she would have coped well if it hadn't been mummy or daddy with her. Things like I'd forgotten to prepare her for the lights going down, so she was terrified when the lights suddenly went down. Sitting still wasn't an issue at all, but she did need reassurance at the scary bits and needed a cuddle when the lights went down.

The next year she absolutely loved it and it was much more fun for both of us. Although I also had dd2 with me who wasn't quite 2 months old, who also loved it... her head was turning round so quickly to try not to miss anything!

WinklyVersusTheZombies Mon 26-Nov-12 21:32:18

Maybe your SIL likes the panto and wants to bring a child so she doesn't look silly going on her own. And you would deny her that. Meanie grin

winterhill Mon 26-Nov-12 21:37:13

All I can say is thank god my kids are too old for the pantomine!!

I was happy to do loads of stuff with them but bloody hated pantomines. I was happy for them to go with reception, beavers, scouts anyone really!!
grin

lovebunny Mon 26-Nov-12 21:38:42

totally wrong. she doesn't go out without you until you say so. not dh. not his sister. you.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Mon 26-Nov-12 21:39:08

If you don't want your child to go to the panto yet, that is your choice that you have every right to make. However your DH has just as much say as you, and he doesn't mind. At the moment, you are the only person who thinks the idea of a first panto together is special enough that a kind offer from an Auntie should be declined.

If your SIL is upset by being refused, it could potentially damage your dds relationship with her Aunt. Which is most important? A happy Auntie and niece sharing a nice thing, or an idea which is likely to be much nicer than the reality?

MegaClutterSlut Mon 26-Nov-12 21:39:12

Sorry I think YABU

apostropheuse Mon 26-Nov-12 21:44:21

"totally wrong. she doesn't go out without you until you say so. not dh. not his sister. you. "

lovebunny Are you having a laugh? The child's father cannot take her out unless her mother gives his permission?

What planet are you on?

[hmmm]

Morloth Mon 26-Nov-12 21:52:43

My SIL is very involved with my DSs, she has chosen not to have children of her own and heavily indulges mine.

TBH, it is a relationship I have done everything I can to encourage. I love that they almost see her as an extra parent. This means that they have another person in their lives who loves them unconditionally, they get to do things seperate from us (and each other!). She now takes DS1 riding every Saturday and they are talking about possibly buying a horse.

Personally, I would say enjoy yourselves and have a nice quiet day to myself. As others have said, this is your DH's decision as well.

Believe me when I say, another loving pair of hands will come in very useful when you have your next baby. My SIL flew from Oz to London to stay for 7 weeks when DS2 is due, it was excellent to know that DS1 was in safe, loving hands, made going off to have DS2/lying in bed breastfeeding such an easy ride because he was off having a ball with his aunty.

Really a fun aunty is a blessing not something to be discouraged.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Mon 26-Nov-12 21:53:04

YABU

Your daughter wont even remember this. You can take her next year or whenever and she'll probably think its her first time at the panto. Win win imo.

Your SIL has done something lovely for your DD (maybe trying to bond with her now shes a little older?) panto isnt best place to take a 2 year old but not the end of the world. So chill out, enjoy some toddler free time and lighten up. and that goes for the other neurotic headcases on this thread

mynewpassion Mon 26-Nov-12 21:54:51

lovebunny you crack me up but that's essentially what the OP is saying though.

LiegeAndLief Mon 26-Nov-12 21:58:15

I took ds to the panto last year age 5 and he got a bit bored (it wasn't that good to be fair to ds, bit heavy on adult dialogue and light on singing / dancing / slapstick). I'm taking him again to one that will hopefully be better but I'm leaving dd (3) at home. (With dh, who is delighted. Not on her own).

I realise there seem to be posters above whose dc were sitting through the Ring Cycle at 18 months (I'm paraphrasing...), but I think 2yo is really young for panto. Don't they tend to be about 2hr long? I also had a group of friends who took their dc to panto together aged 3 and half of them had to leave when the baddy came on as the dc were so terrified. Very different from going to see a Peppa or Fireman Sam show. My initial thought is your SIL is being very brave taking her!

TooMuchRain Mon 26-Nov-12 22:00:11

Be happy she wants to do something nice smile

RubyrooUK Mon 26-Nov-12 22:10:58

I couldn't have given a shit about who first took me places as a kid. I don't think it even registered. I can't remember who first took me to the cinema or theatre. I do remember my uncle took me to the ballet first, which was cool, but not life changing.

My mum was the only one who was my mum. And even now I'm in my thirties, when I feel a bit ill or upset I still want my mum. Our relationship is built on her being there for the truly important things - when I had a vomiting bug, when I had flu, when I got food poisoning....smile

So let your SIL do this, OP, because ultimately you are your DD's mum. No nice occasional theatre trips will ever change that. And your DD will hopefully get some bonding time with her aunt, which is lovely.

Hopeforever Mon 26-Nov-12 22:17:47

apostropheuse well said

Tryharder Mon 26-Nov-12 22:25:12

This wouldn't even be an issue for me. But good luck to your SIL. DS2 at that age screamed at the wicked witch and had to be taken out smile

pictish Mon 26-Nov-12 22:25:13

I thought that too apostrophe

OP - you are being just a little bit peevish and selfy here. Let your sil take your dd to the panto. Tsk.

Gentleness Mon 26-Nov-12 22:53:10

Way too young anyway. Pantos can be scary - not just the confusing content but the general noise and chaos. On school trips to the panto there were always a few kids who really, really hated it - age 8+. You could avoid the whole sentimental issue by focusing on this!

BackforGood Mon 26-Nov-12 22:57:42

She's trying to be nice, but is going to be in for a reality check I fear. 2 yrs old is FAR too young for the panto. They are loud and confusing and have scary baddies, and lots of shouting from the audience.
When she gets to about 7 or 8 though, it's a lovely thing for another realtive to offer to do.

Splatt34 Mon 26-Nov-12 23:01:36

Thank you all. nice breadth of opinions. Never having seen Mother Goose I've no idea if potentially scary or not. DH would def poo poo that thought. I guess i just wish that I'd been asked rather than told & that she'd been showing interest in her niece all along.

nowt I can do now, just hope DD gets more reliable with potty training to be spending an afternoon with someone other than us ;-) . SIL has never changed a nappy either so not sure which she'll be happier with!

bondigidum Mon 26-Nov-12 23:04:42

Yanbu at all, I would feel the same way.

I am very excited for our first theatre trip as a family. It is definitely something you want to experience with your child and not have someone else do, much like the zoo or the beach really. Totally see your point, I would also be upset.

I don't think your DD is old enough to get it anyway. Our eldest DC is 2.8 and I doubt he would sit through it all, also think he would be a bit scared with so many people and the loud voices/costumes, people shouting etc. So I don't really think it is wise of sil anyway. Your poor DP probably didn't realise, I'm sure my Dh would be the same. Its a really nice gesture of sil but I would have to cancel it. Simply explain dp didn't realise that 2 is really too young for a panto and that she will probably get very upset with the noise and disturb other people/need to come home. You could also say and I did really want her first theatre trip to be as a family.

It is a special moment. I get quite precious about things like this too. I was upset that my gran bought DD1 her first doll for instance!

zipzap Mon 26-Nov-12 23:17:51

I think it's rude, entitled and thoughtless a bit off to have booked the tickets without checking with you that you didn't have any plans, regardless of if it was going to be her first visit to the theatre or not... Particularly as it sounds as if you were planning to have a rare day at home with your dd that you were looking forward to. What if you had already booked tickets to the panto or the zoo or santa's grotto or whatever for that day? What would she have done with her ticket then?

Do you have siblings? What would your dh have said if you'd arranged for one of them (or a friend of yours etc) to have taken dd out on a day when he might have already got plans - either to do the same thing with dd later thereby spoiling it for him, or to do something different on the same day? For me there are two different issues and he is ignoring both of them.

Yes there are lots of different firsts in a child's life and as a parent it is nice to be there for lots of them. Different things are important to different people - whilst a theatre trip might be important to you, the first trip to a football match might be important to your dh but not you. How would he like it if you had arranged for your brother (or whoever) to take your dd to see his team play before he has had a chance to?

You could do a couple of things - either ring up the theatre, explain the predicament and then see if it is possible to change the booking and add an extra ticket, then ring sil, say that as you had always wanted to take dd to her first theatre show because it is important to you, you are prepared to tolerate happy for her to be there too and the theatre is willing to let you exchange tickets (you would obviously have to pay for your own).

Alternatively, make some extra me time for you by saying that the only way that you will let dd go out with sil is if dd is properly used to caring for her, changing nappies / getting to the loo in time, etc etc and so she needs to come over [as many times as you want] before the panto trip to prove that she can cope with the joys stresses of taking out a two yr old!

blackeyedsusan Mon 26-Nov-12 23:19:44

may be, just may be you can prepare your sil for the experience...

you know... she is scared of the dark so make sure you give her a hug hen the lights go out so that she does not scream aas she can take a while to calm down... usually only about ten minutes but...

ermmm .... oh yes, she is potty training so you had better take her to the toilet several times during the performance...

oh and you will pack extra wipes and spare pairs of pants/nappies as she tends to have poo explosions at the moment...

grin

blackeyedsusan Mon 26-Nov-12 23:20:13

oh and do not let her get too hot as she is liable to be sick...

Gentleness Mon 26-Nov-12 23:35:00

My 3yo only ever really forgets to go to the toilet (without prompting) in very noisy, confusing, distracting or upsetting situations.... ;)

Morloth Tue 27-Nov-12 00:04:32

Nappy situation is not your problem.

Another plus point for involved family members. wink

oldraver Tue 27-Nov-12 00:20:01

She's taking a 2 year old she has never looked after before ? hahahahahahahaha

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 27-Nov-12 00:22:16

I do think you DH should have checked with you before tickets were booked in case you had other plans that day. However, I do remember my aunt taking me to see Bambi and the The Jungle Book at the cinema when I was small and to theme parks when I was older and they are very happy memories to me. So now it's booked I'd just let SIL get on with it. Perhaps you could spend the day sorting out your Christmas shopping without DD in tow smile

AThingInYourLife Tue 27-Nov-12 00:36:59

She's too young for panto.

I would have said no.

Chunkychicken Tue 27-Nov-12 01:08:18

I don't think the 'first panto' issue would bother me as I'm lucky enough that my 2.7yo DD has lots of relatives that take her places that I haven't and have a great relationship with her, which has been incredibly helpful with a now 15do DS. However, they have all been involved in her life from a baby and she started spending time with them early on. If someone had suddenly decided to take her out, having not paid her much notice for the last 2.7yrs, I think I might find that odd. As much as its helpful to have extended family when your pg/got a new DC, it becomes more 'change' & can be unsettling for them to have effectively strangers coming on the scene.

Good luck to her though, if she's never changed a nappy!!!

LadyHarrietdeSpook Tue 27-Nov-12 01:28:23

You're that upset about missing a panto? Really? It wouldn't be a milestone for me but to each her own and all that.

I'm guessing she didn't REALLY book the tickets w/o checking with your DH first. If she did, she is being very unreasonable. Your DD is only two and I think that is too young to just present the parents with plans to take them out. My SIL is very engaged and has taken DD1 places but she would always check dates with us first and make sure we thought the activity was suitable.

Pantos last hours and hours and may well be too much for MOST two year olds. I guess with my DD1 it would have made a difference if she was two but nearly three; it's still a long time though. I am surprised that your DH thought it would be suitable for her and that your sister could cope if she gets overtired, misses you guys etc. How far away is it? It's not going to be a relaxing couple of hours off if you basically have to hover in the vicinity in case it doesn't work out.

I would focus on the practicalities though, not the sentimental stuff, and suggest another activity they could do together.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Tue 27-Nov-12 01:30:40

I think it's ridiculous to allow this to happen, for DD's sake (SIL) has never had DD to entertain on her own in waking hours, yet your DH is perfectly happy for the first time she does this to be to a panto, where such a small child needs to be with someone they trust (noisy, busy, potentially scary environment), not someone they barely know.

... and your prime concern is missing out on a first hmm

I don't think any of you are thinking about your DD.

Narked Tue 27-Nov-12 02:21:09

She's never had sole care of your 2 year old DD in the day time before or taken her out anywhere before? She's never changed a nappy. And your DD is potty training? And she's taking her somewhere she's never been before to watch a panto?

She'll need all the luck she can get.

Narked Tue 27-Nov-12 02:24:38

Chippingin, her DH has already said yes to the SIL and won't listen to concerns that panto might be scary for a very small child and most of the posters on this thread are saying the OP should be grateful to her SIL and stop making a fuss. What is she supposed to do?

My 3 year ols swears she never been to a "show" before. She has been every year to the panto plus a couple of other kids shows in between. IMO unti they reach 3 each and everytime they go is like the first time as they have forgotten the time befre! Realistically you can both see the "wonder" of the first panto as both this year and next year will be reacted to the same!

Morloth Tue 27-Nov-12 02:55:56

I think if I really wasn't happy about it I would be pushing for my DH to go with them.

If the OP really and truely believes it will not be good for/will harm her DD then of course she must insist that it doesn't happen. If that means a great big screaming row then so be it. If I thought DH had agreed to something harmful for my children then it would not be happening regardless of the fallout and the same in reverse, DH would not allow me to do something harmful either.

But is it really that likely that the DD will be unhappy?

Lavenderhoney Tue 27-Nov-12 04:16:17

Oh yes she is, oh no she isn't ...( sorry, couldn't resist)

Your sis was probably racking her brains to do something nice, which it is, although I totally see where you are coming from, I think you should try to be ok with it. She may want to spend time with her niece now she is 2 and she won have kids.
It will be nice for your dd o have another trusted adult she can talk or happily babysit overnight or when you having your baby, assuming your dp is your birthing partner?

I wold pack a little bag with water, snacks , small teddy, baby wipes, spare pants and leggings or whatever and hand it over with a smile. Your dsis possibly hasn't thought of the practicalitiessmile of loos etc. are you going with them to the theatre then sloping off for Christmas shopping to help dd go with her easily?

It could be a nice tradition for them, you can join next year with the new baby, or get a manicure or something and let her take bothsmile

MumofWombat Tue 27-Nov-12 05:20:24

You may need to accept this now as a fait accompli, but I would be a little surprised if your SIL is going to be able pull it off successfully. My DS is a little younger and he can only sit still for about 5 minutes maximum, add in over excitement, potty training issues etc
Sometimes you can't change circumstances but you can change how you view it. So you could view it as an opportunity to finish your Christmas shopping, or simply to relax or to catch up on sleep, with the added bonus of a high chance of having a silent unseen last laugh as your fears weren't unfounded!
Your daughter won't remember this, but you can go with her in a couple of years to the theatre when you'll both enjoy the experience.

Is Ot sil struggles with young baby's ? Now dd that bit older she feels more confident

I don't get this first thing only on mn did I know it existed and now end up double checking with my little sister about my niece (I am more hands on ) and she like no go ahead and just Di what ever you want with her

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Tue 27-Nov-12 05:43:44

I would let her go, I attempted to take my 'wriggly arsed' child to the cinema to at 5, I walked out halfway through, he was under seats, hanging on the back of seats, kicking people in the back via a seat, let her go, she may never offer again if your DC is anything like mine. grin

If you want to go I'm sure SIL will find another ticket, your DH is possibly just trying to give you a rest?

Splatt34 Tue 27-Nov-12 06:24:28

Thank you ladies. It's nice to hear some thing I'm not being unreasonable. I don't think SIL has any idea what she's letting herself in for, & I don't think issues of it being scary would have entered DHs head. He see's her as a very grown up just 2 year old who is often mistaken for 3. Plus he says he's told SIL that he doubts she'll sit still & that they'll probably leave after 15 mins.

spg1983 Tue 27-Nov-12 07:00:45

OP, the exact same thing happened to us when DSS was 3. BIL and SIL bought him panto tickets and took him, whilst murmuring what a clever present it was and how they'd make it an annual trip...unfortunately they forgot about the fact that at that time (and probably still now) he had a crazily over-active imagination meaning that he firstly got all worked up and weed himself whilst sitting on BIL's lap, then once he'd calmed down they'd also forgotten that he was only just toilet trained and prone to forgetting to go to the loo when distracted and enjoying something so he peed himself on SIL's lap too!

Luckily I'd packed them off with loads of spare trousers and pants for DSS so he ended up dry and happy as Larry, whereas BIL and SIL made quite a hasty exit after bringing him back and surprisingly haven't offered to go since!! In the meantime, DSS has developed exemplary bladder control and is now an avid theatre-goer with DH and I!

differentnameforthis Tue 27-Nov-12 07:32:21

As someone who didn't get to give her dd her first feed, or change her first nappy, or dress her for the first time (crash section under GA & heavily sedated after, dd1 in SCBU for 3 days) I understand about firsts & how important they are to mums & dads.

But now, several years on, firsts don't actually seem that important. You get a lifetime to have new experiences with her. Don't begrudge someone else that pleasure too. Let her go & enjoy your peace & quiet. You will be thankful of it when you have 2 & little help smile

Jingleflobba Tue 27-Nov-12 10:12:40

Maybe your sil wants to go to a panto and sees your DD as a good excuse grin
Seriously you're being a wee bit precious about this, she wants to take her neice out for a Christmas treat. DD is a little young for panto but it will be a nice trip out for them both and you and your DH could make the most of quiet child free time! (Remembering how DD2 was conceived... blush
It's a lovely thing for her to do and I don't really understand this whole 'we must do certain first things together', your DD's family consists of more than just you and DH and you should count yourself blessed that you have loving people around you who want to do nicenthings for your daughter.

SoupDragon Tue 27-Nov-12 10:14:58

It will be hell. Let her do it!

Thumbwitch Tue 27-Nov-12 10:21:05

Well it sounds like your DH does at least have some appreciation that it's not likely to be a successful trip! grin

I think, regardless of whether or not it's unreasonable, I'd feel the same as you. I think your DH could at least have run it by you before agreeing and allowing the tickets to be booked - then you could have reached a compromise (you going too, for e.g.)

It is nice of her to offer but really you should have been given the opportunity to have a say in it.

Still - it will be interesting to see how it goes - if she's just 2, and not fully potty-trained, it's going to be pretty challenging for your SIL. Best of luck to her.

Aero Tue 27-Nov-12 10:30:00

You are not being unreasonable to feel this way - I've felt the same when ds1 was very young and SIL wanted to do things with him. BUT, let her do it - it will be ok and in years to come (esp when you have another child in the picture), you will be really glad SIL does this kind of thing. I'm saying this now because I have hindsight - ds1 is almost 15 and has two younger siblings. SIL is still an important figure in all of their lives and they love spending time with her and she love having them, and we get a much needed break.
Honestly, I used to feel the same, but over the years I have come to very much appreciate the interest SIL takes in her nephews and niece. This will come to you too. There will be many firsts for you and nice things you can do as a family, but if you allow your dd to build a strong relationship with her Aunt, then this will only serve to benefit you all in the long run. Trust me - voice of experience (and I fell on this by accident - it caught my eye whilst I was looking for advice about something else. I almost never post here these days, but I've been there and felt like you do now and didn't want to ignore) and years of hindsight allow me to see the bigger picture and I now treasure the time my dc spend with their aunty who adores them. HTH smile

SugarplumMary Tue 27-Nov-12 10:46:02

In this situation I'd be annoyed with my DH - calling me selfish and not having the courtesy to run it past me especially if it’s a day I could have had plans for.

I’d be annoyed with SIL if she’d bought the tickets before checking with DH – it’s not clear to me from op if she did so if she presented it as a done deal.

Then I’d pack a change of clothes or a few and let them get on with it.

If it really bothering you book something next year – perhaps something all of you could do along with SIL – having extra adult eyes and hands with multiple DC is something that can be very useful in future years.

I have taken a DC younger than two about 20 months along with two other DC - 3 and 5 they were mesmerised - though I did have benefit of still bf for scary bits and bits but we were very pleased they managed so well. They were better behaved than some much older DC present and loved the experience. So I wouldn't bank on it going badly if you think it could be annaul thing and you don't want that.

valiumredhead Tue 27-Nov-12 11:02:04

Load of 2 year olds go to the Panto - not too young at all, its a great introduction to theatre imo.

I think she was doing something nice - aren't Aunties meant to do nice things for their nephews and nieces?

valiumredhead Tue 27-Nov-12 11:02:14

loads

whoneedssleepanyway Tue 27-Nov-12 11:07:11

Pantomimes are hideous, I took DD to her first one when she was nearly 4....I would love someone to offer to take her for me instead.

EuroShagmore Tue 27-Nov-12 13:35:28

YABU. It sounds like SIL just wants to do something nice for your child (and give you both a couple of hours off). How on earth could you take offence at that?

sooperdooper Tue 27-Nov-12 13:53:14

YABU, she's trying to do something nice, and you're looking at ways to take offence, and being a bit needy

At 2 your DD won't actually remember it anyway and you have a whole lifetime of going to the theatre/panto, chill out, take the time to have some nice time to youself smile

TroublesomeEx Tue 27-Nov-12 14:29:48

It's actually quite nice to know that your child has done something with another person for the first time.

It's nice to know that they have done something special with another person; that they are building memories and a relationship with someone else in their own right as their own person and not just as your child.

It's nice that someone in your extended family wants to spend time with your child.

Personally, I do think she's too young for a panto and your SIL will probably end up leaving early with her. And I also think that it is nice to do the important 'firsts' with your child/ren. But really, it's actually quite nice knowing that they've done some 'firsts' with other people too.

This is her aunt and her aunt loves her.

Learning70 Tue 27-Nov-12 14:39:10

Aw Yanbu but tbh you will get more chilled out about first moments, specially once you have two. Let her get on with it! She'll probably have a mare and wish she hadn't asked!

JollyJock Tue 27-Nov-12 14:47:16

Someone asked me if I was going to take 19mo DS to the panto this year. My response was "god no, he is far too young for panto".

There are a few pantos around here. i don't enjoy the big 'professional' one at the theatre. The smaller ones at local venues are much more fun and child friendly.

I can't imagine taking Ds to the one at the theatre until he's at least 7, and even then I don't think he'd enjoy it much.

My DS wouldn't sit through a panto at this stage (he's currently 22months). I can see your point about wanting to share it as a family, but honestly, let her go. Then you can have a nice, relaxing night, and laugh when she comes in, frazzled.

I think 4/5 is a great time for panto. Before is maybe a tad too young.

Janeatthebarre Tue 27-Nov-12 15:13:15

YABU. Are you going to get this whingey every time anyone in your DD's extended family tries to do something nice for her simply because you haven't done it first.
Stop being silly and enjoy a few hours of free babysitting. If DD gets wriggly or restless at the panto that's your SIL's problem and I'm sure she'll deal with it.

MamaBear17 Tue 27-Nov-12 15:34:14

I think your husband should have told his sister that he would ask you and get back to her. Its lovely for her to want to take your little one and a nice experience for them to share. However, for me, the issue would be that SIL asked your hubby and he answered for the both of you. I always double check with hubby if my mum asks to take DD somewhere, and he always asks me. I am guessing that it is the decision that was taken out of your hands that is more upsetting than the event?

Ragwort Tue 27-Nov-12 15:38:38

I would be delighted grin - watching a pantomime is my idea of hell on earth, fortunately DH took DS for the first couple of years; now even DS doesn't enjoy pantomime, DH desperate to find someone to go with grin grin.

You are being very precious, let them go and have fun, whilst you enjoy a rest. smile.

Lavenderhoney Tue 27-Nov-12 17:27:01

Your dsis might be ok, if you prep your dd and help with advice, like loo before even if she says no- just say well i need to, will you come? Mine love theatre and live shows ( circus!) and have been going since 18 months and six months. The baby used to sleep but they are both mesmerisedsmile dd at 2 sat through ballet as she loves it so at 2. Mind you, i take non crunchy snacks and water.

What are you going to do, op?

cricketballs Tue 27-Nov-12 18:19:17

I think YABU - you SIL wants to do something nice for her DN now she is at an age when things become interesting for those who aren't into babies. My MIL has taken my 2 DS since they were this age (going to the panto does not mean they have to sit still, the actors, the audience expect that children will not be still or silent!), and my eldest DS who is now 18 is still going to go with his nan this year -it becomes a tradition and one that is special to them.

I always take my DN (who is now 24!) Christmas shopping and have done since she was 2 I really wasn't into babies but at 2 I could start to have a relationship with her as it is a 'thing' that we do on as aunt and niece and I love it still that we have this special moment without anyone else interfering

Splatt34 Tue 27-Nov-12 20:28:21

Thank you all. I think she will go but I think SIL has no idea. I happen to be day off work so about if it goes pear shaped. DD has never been out anywhere other than nursery without DH or I so that's perhaps another reason I'm nervous of this. (IL's utterly useless and my parents live 2 hours away & while they do all sorts with my nephew don't offer with DD, I assume because of distance). I'm still not happy about it though, but I'll live with it!

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