To question whether you can really love someone after a couple of dates?!

(61 Posts)
Fondantfancy99 Mon 26-Nov-12 13:15:04

Friend has just met a new guy online dating. Very happy for her but also slightly concerned - they have already exchanged I love yous (after about 5 dates) and she has introduced him to her entire family including aunties and uncles! I've witnessed some fast-moving relationships in the past (including me and DP who moved in together after a few months) but this is a new extreme!

I personally think it takes a while longer to really love someone. AIBU?

Fondantfancy99 Mon 26-Nov-12 13:16:13

For what it's worth, she is 28 and the guy is 30 I believe

I loved DH before our first date, while we were still arranging it and hadn't ever had a conversation in real life together (matchmade by mutual friends).

Dahlen Mon 26-Nov-12 13:25:34

Actually, she's right. wink Research has not pretty conclusively proven that the physiological factors involved in lust/love (and the two are interchangeable in the very early days) happen very quickly and very early on in a relationship. It's just that most of us have the sense and experience to allow our rational selves to catch up a bit before we commit to saying I love you.

However, it's possible to really love someone passionately and fall out of love with them just as quickly. That's because the attachment element of falling in love is what tends to be crucial to long-term success, and if you don't have similar goals/values/likes etc., it can undo the hormonal element that preceded it. If you're defining love as long-term and functional, then it's much less likely that she's really in love.

YA both correct in a way.

Dahlen Mon 26-Nov-12 13:26:24

rogue not in first sentence there. Ignore it please as it contradicts everything I then go on to say. angry grin

Onebadbackandalostpelvicfloor Mon 26-Nov-12 13:26:33

3 dates and I knew my man was for me

dinkybinky Mon 26-Nov-12 13:29:19

We both knew on out first date we were meant to be together, engaged after 3 months and married on our 1 year anniversary. We are still together 20 years later.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 26-Nov-12 13:29:22

YANBU... it's just her knickers talking....

Dahlen Mon 26-Nov-12 13:32:48

Love is such a strange and personal thing you can only talk in the most general terms. There are patterns of behaviour repeated the world over, but you can't predict on an individual basis because people are unique.

Unless you have concerns because her new partner shows some controlling or secretive tendencies, all you can do is back off. It's possible to let yourself fall head over heels and pronounce it to the world and yet still protect yourself from exploitation or abuse.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Mon 26-Nov-12 13:33:30

Not really. Most of the time, people who are 'in love' after a couple of dates are either immature, desperate or abusive (it's very common for abusers to bombard their victim with love'n'romance in the early stages.)

Fondantfancy99 Mon 26-Nov-12 13:33:53

I knew DP was the one very early on, and I definitely felt very strongly about him. But I waited until I really knew him before saying I love you.

Also concerned friend has put all the details of their new relationship and loads of photos and written I love you all over Facebook and Twitter, obviously excited I know but might you not regret that later?

DontmindifIdo Mon 26-Nov-12 13:33:53

I knew I loved DH within a few conversations, but I wasn't needy enough to say "I love you" until we'd been together for a few months and he'd said it first. (considering I'd shagged him within a couple of hours of meeting him, I had to play hard to get a little bit...)

Fondantfancy99 Mon 26-Nov-12 14:02:16

But is it love or infatuation / obsession?
Is it real love?

StaceeJaxx Mon 26-Nov-12 14:21:58

I fell in love with DH after about a week (he said I love you first though wink), and moved in with him after a month. But, I was only 16, so it was totally acceptable to a "lovestruck teenager". And there was no Facebook or Twitter to embarrass myself on back then either. <geriatric smiley> Been together 18 years though. smile

digerd Mon 26-Nov-12 14:26:48

Only time will tell.

When I was 16, I fell madly in love with a boy I met on holiday. My younger sister scoffed at us gazing into each other's eyes all the time.
Every Friday, he rode on his motorcycle 260 miles to visit me and rode back again on Sunday. After 3 months I went off him and he made me feel sick.

However, when I was 31, I fell in love at first sight with my future DH also on holiday abroad, and 22 years later still in love.

FestiveDigestive Mon 26-Nov-12 14:36:20

I think it depends on the kind of person you are. In the two most serious relationships I've had (one being DH who I've been with for 10 years) we both knew, and said it, within the first fortnight and the relationships were very seriously straight away.

In fact, if I was dating someone for 4/6 weeks & wasn't getting that feeling of being "in love" I would always end it as I'd know that it wasn't going to be a long term relationship & it didn't seem fair to lead them into thinking it might get serious.

With DH, we were on date 2 when I thought to myself "This is the man I going to marry and have children with" blush and we talked about our future together from the beginning. Although, my parents met & moved in together after 2 weeks, married after 6 months and are still together now, maybe it's in my genes!!

I also feel a bit suspicious of relationships where the couple don't talk about their feelings early on, but obviously other people are different & move at a pace that feels sensible for then. I hope it works out for your friend, it sounds like she's having a lovely time smile

ClippedPhoenix Mon 26-Nov-12 14:47:16

I think its infatuation that either stays or dwindles, I don't thinks its "love" as to me love is something that grows between two individuals or dies. The only instant love that naturally occurs most of the time is for your child/children.

CailinDana Mon 26-Nov-12 14:51:06

I knew I loved my DH after about a week, we said it to each other after two weeks. Together now 11 years. I think it's possible to fall in love very quickly but it's not always real. Still, it's her life so leave her at it and be there for if things go wrong.

Icelollycraving Mon 26-Nov-12 15:09:40

Does it matter?! I have always liked fairly full on relationships but they burn out equally quickly. When you are in that fizzy euphoric state anything goes. It's the fall out when you realise they were a complete idiot that you have to back track.
One of my friends is in this kind of fresh relationship where he called her his GF on first date & tell each other they love each other. Her relationships frequently burn out,for now though she's having fun.

PhilipLarkinwasright Mon 26-Nov-12 15:21:28

DH and I were friends in a big gang of mates before we got together. One night, we just clicked and from that moment I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. On our 2nd date he told me he loved me and I said it back on the 3rd date. 29 years later I wish we'd moved in together that first night and I still adore him. When it's right, it's just right.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii Mon 26-Nov-12 15:24:33

She is being a bit silly, because although it might be love, it could easily be infatuation at this stage.

Bit late for fb regrets now though!

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 26-Nov-12 15:28:29

hmmm its a difficult one

me and DH were friends for a while (but didn't know eachother THAT well really) before we had our first date

and i can still remember the exact moment i fell in love with him....we were stood at the bar and we were talking and he smiled at me and i literally fell in love with him on the spot blush could have been lust though tbh...

and he says he fell in love with me before we even started dating, he claims it was before he had even met me in the flesh (he saw me on myspace blush )

but we didn't actually say the I love you words till about 2 months in i think?

showtunesgirl Mon 26-Nov-12 15:32:11

YABU, love CAN happen that fast, it happened to me!

Six days after being together DH said he loved me. Fast forward and it's now been 13 years and we also have DD who has just turned one. smile

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 26-Nov-12 15:35:19

I think "in love" and "love" are two different things. You can have both, after a while, but you can't really "love" anyone who isn't your own flesh and blood instantly.
You can be in love, yes, and the few times I have been it has been immediate, but I wouldn't have given them a kidney iykwim.

YDdraigGoch Mon 26-Nov-12 15:36:50

My DH asked me to marry him about 10 days after we met - we got married within 4 months, and are still together 20 years later.

So the answer to your question OP is YES.

Themumsnot Mon 26-Nov-12 15:41:24

I loved DH before our first date, while we were still arranging it and hadn't ever had a conversation in real life together (matchmade by mutual friends).

Not the whole truth Horatia, I think. Didn't you actually go round to his house and tell him that your sister didn't want to marry him and you would DTD instead. You hadn't even been on one date with him you brazen hussy.

Fondantfancy99 Mon 26-Nov-12 15:42:57

Wow lots of stories of love at first sight grin

themumsnot I was about to get really indignant then that you had mixed me up with some other poster ... but I realised just in time that it was a literary joke! Come and join us in Adult Fiction in the GH Book Club.

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 26-Nov-12 16:49:40

my 2p worth:

basically, i think most compatible couples pretty much fall in love at first sight, or very very quickly

BUT, out of them, i think not all move quickly into saying i love you, moving in together, etc, they are more cautious. so even though they havent made massive declarations to eachother, they ARE "in love"

and also i think the way men are portrayed as scared of commitment etc makes people surprised when relationships move quickly. but i actually think that is a myth that all men don't want commitment etc

does that make sense?

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 26-Nov-12 16:55:58

Yeah, it does. Ime men fall in love really quickly, or not at all. but then they do tend to fall in love with looks. Since I have been over 30 no man has been in love with me. When I was young and pretty I was beating them off with a shitty stick sad

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 26-Nov-12 16:57:10

oh ifnot thats sad, don't say that, i bet you are gorgeous sad

BridgetBidet Mon 26-Nov-12 17:07:27

Yep, I knew very early on and we've been together 13 years now.

Also a girl I worked with around the same time met her husband and was engaged within a few months and they are still together 10 years on with 2 kids.

BridgetBidet Mon 26-Nov-12 17:09:58

I got on with my DH so well we didn't spend a night apart for about 18 months after we met each other until his aunt died and he had to go home to Ireland alone.

We moved in together properly after about 6 months by necessity but I think if you know, you know.

IloveJudgeJudy Mon 26-Nov-12 17:17:50

I told DH. I loved him after a week. He took a bit longer. Together 22 years, married 20. Both late 20s. Still very happy.

i met my DH online and i had fallen in love with him and he with me before we met! we had spoken on the phone for weeks before i said yes to meet him. i had no idea what he looked like and he me. I fell in love with his voice and his manner...we had some very very long conversations.

I met him....and my instincts were right

he is as lovely as i imagined.

we didnt "profess our love" for a few weeks but it was very very obvious this was not just a shag.

8 years later.....still rocks my boat!

brighthair Mon 26-Nov-12 17:29:17

My parents were engaged after 6 weeks and married after 13 weeks (no, not shotgun wedding) grin
It's their 38th wedding anniversary next year

I told DH I loved him on our second date blush

Seems to have worked out ok wink

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 26-Nov-12 17:30:16

Aw thanks Moomie grin. I am OK, just facing the fact that I am not the catch I used to be!

ifnot ....my profile on t'interweb described me as

Short fat hairy frodo type with hair feet
Looking for the lord of her ring

apparently it made him laugh...

i am no beauty (was in my hay day -1980s)...

i bet you look better than my profile!

We knew from the first date, DH proposed after 5 weeks and we married 18 months later. Still together many many years later (old timers!)

So I say yes!

MerryCunnyFuntingChristmas Mon 26-Nov-12 17:41:11

My friend got a new boyfriend, 4 weeks after they first got together they got matching tattoos, he got her name tattooed on him but she didn't get his. After 5 weeks they were engaged, after 6 weeks they split up. After roughly a week they got back together, then split up a week later, they got back together and I think they're still together. I can't keep up confused

My conclusion? I have no frigging idea.

x2boys Mon 26-Nov-12 17:41:45

wel; we said we loved each other after two weeks enaged at six weeks married at six months 8years and 2 children later i still cant imagine life without him love him to bits although all that butterflies in stomach everything is just wonderful feeling goes after a few months

JuliaScurr Mon 26-Nov-12 17:44:54

ifnot they were young, fit, and a bit immature
now they are like you - wise, ripened and luscious

I knew from the moment I saw DH, he says the same.
That Savage Garden song 'I Knew I Loved You' pretty much sums up how I feel about him.
I told my friends after I met him that he was The One.

I met DP on Facebook. We have a lot of mutual friends, one being my cousin. Its odd that we hadnt met before as we went to similar places, but it seems fate had a plan!

Anyway, we had a very long phone converstation before meeting a few days later. I stood him up the next week blush but then regretted it and apologised profusely.

I think it was about 6 weeks before he was living with me. It wasnt official, he just stayed over and never really left. We got engaged 3 months later. He was the first to say he loved me, he says he knew from the first night I was the one.

I do think its a bit silly to plaster it all over facebook and twitter though. We were quite private really.

Bonsoir Mon 26-Nov-12 18:04:04

Yes of course you can be madly in love after a few seconds!

Oblomov Mon 26-Nov-12 18:08:11

I knew alot about dh before I went on a date. I moved into his house as a lodger and so knew alot about him, how he lived, what kind of person he was, his thoughts on ... politcis, infidelity etc, what he cooked, etc. I knew very early that he was a very good man.
If you've been on 2 x 2 hr dates, you may not know that much about someone.
But don't dismiss my feelings as infatuation, becasue it wasn't. We never told eachother that we loved eachother for a bit, but I knew, right from the moment I met him, that he was something special.

Oblomov Mon 26-Nov-12 18:10:15

WhatWouldSantaDo:
"I knew from the moment I saw DH, he says the same.
That Savage Garden song 'I Knew I Loved You' pretty much sums up how I feel about him.
I told my friends after I met him that he was The One."

Ditto.

zlist Mon 26-Nov-12 18:18:53

I met DH on the Internet - due to the distance we talked on the phone for several weeks before meeting (at his house and I stayed the weekend). He told me he loved me after that 'date'. I was a bit hmm about that and the talk of marriage soon after that but his friends and family make it clear that was far removed from his MO. I was a bit slower but it was still pretty quick for me! Anyway, we have now been married for 9 years - most of the time happily.

MummyToBe2013 Mon 26-Nov-12 18:35:49

Started chatting online to DP on a Tuesday, we met on the Friday, saw each other on the Sunday, exchanged "I love yous" the following Tuesday - one week after first meeting online. Been together 14 months.

Crinkle77 Mon 26-Nov-12 18:45:56

I think you know you have met 'the one' pretty much straighaway. I know it is a cliche but sometimes you just have that spark and you know if it is something special

DisappointedHorse Mon 26-Nov-12 18:48:25

We said I love You on our second date.

Really though, I loved him before I met him, We used to talk and email every day through work even though we were in different location (Gavin and Stacey!)

It's worked out so far 14 years on, it can happen.

I think you can love someone that quickly.

When I was 15 I had a boyfriend - I was a very young 15 we only ever went to a film and a little kiss or two, nothing more. That boyfriend got beaten up one day and his best friend called me to let me know what had happened. As soon as I spoke to his friend on the phone I was smitten and we ended up meeting up a week or two later and now 14 years later here I am married to him grin.

from the first time we met up (bearing in mind we lived 200 miles away from each other at the time!). I never doubted that we would be togethee long term and neither did her (or so he says!).

I did feel guilty for about 20 seconds about the whole beaten up thing and how dh and I got together - but hey - I was 15 and its the way of love!

R2PeePoo Mon 26-Nov-12 18:57:42

Met on 20th April. Engaged on 13 June the same year. He said I love you after a few weeks.

We were students and we spent almost every day together.
I knew he was a good, kind, lovely man almost from the beginning.

That was 12 years and 2 DC ago. We are both fatter and tireder but hes still the one for me.

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 26-Nov-12 19:01:28

Yes, I can give lots of examples of fast moving relationships that have hone the distance (eg married within 6 months, celebrating ruby wedding anniversary next year). And (now) DH talked about our wedding the second day we met...

The early days "I have just met you and I know you're The One and it's all so brilliant" type love is v different, though, to the long term "we have been together ages and no one knows me like you and i still know you're The One" type love.

catcalledginger Mon 26-Nov-12 19:01:42

Yes definitely.

I said 'I love you' on our fifth date. I had no idea where it came from. I just sort of blurted it out (after trying to stop myself). Was 35 at time. We got engaged/lived together after six months and married eighteen months after that. Six years on and we are still happily together.

skaen Mon 26-Nov-12 19:02:56

DH and I were friends at first sight! I fancied him too but mostly we really liked each other.

Although I knew I loved him very early, I didn't tell him for ages and he declared first. 15 years ago now!

TwoFacedCows Mon 26-Nov-12 19:40:46

i fell in love with my DH on first sight, we had been talking online previously. We didnt exchange i love yous until much later. I knew straight away that he was the one for me

lessthan9lives Mon 26-Nov-12 20:48:20

First date on Friday.
I love you on Tuesday (only because I was working the whole weekend or it would have been Saturday).
Engaged after ten days.
Married after 11 months.
Still married and going strong after five years.

I didn't know you could love another person so much until I met DH.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 26-Nov-12 21:10:51

JuliaScurr-No, they are still young and fit and a bit immature grin
<ponders>
I think that may be where I am going wrong!

Oblomov Tue 27-Nov-12 06:30:06

LessThan9 = Craig David's lyricist:

First date on Friday
took her for a drink engaged on Tuesday
we were making love married by Wednesday
in love and still shagging on Thursday & Friday & Saturday
we chilled on Sunday
grin

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