To find it quite amusing how some people try to make out their average child is a genius?

(220 Posts)
MiketheKnight Mon 26-Nov-12 08:40:59

I've known a couple of people like this over the years but at the moment I have one friend in particular who does this loads, and tries to make everyone else convinced he is too.

I met her at a baby group. There are 8 of us all with DCs the same age (3). I have two older children too. She in convinced her DS is more intelligent than the other children in the group. She often does a round-robin type text to us all saying a question or statement her son is meant to have said, usually involving a very complicated word such as preposterous. And if he asks a question when we are at the group, as many of the 3 year olds do, she starts asking us if we heard his question, and saying what a clever question it was, then she answers questions using a very lengthy reply during which time he has generally walked off to play and doesn't listen anyway. Latest thing is her asking on her Facebook status if anyone knows any private tutors that will tutor a 3 year old as he is apparently marvellously curious about maths and science. And I've never known such a fuss over finding a school for a child. She's talked about nothing else for months and apparently it's far more difficult for her than anyone else as they have to be very careful about where they send their child.

I'd say that he is probably quite average, and very similar to the rest of the children in the group, including my DS. His speech just seems normal for a 3 year old, he walked at the same time as the other children, potty trained at a similar time. I never hear any of these wonderful anecdotes of speech that she writes about in texts when we meet up, and his speech whenever I see him is just the same as the other childrens' speech. He talks well, as they all seem to in the group, but certainly not like a child prodigy.

I know we are all proud of her children and think they are geniuses but she really does cross the line between thinking it and making a bit of an idiot of herself.

cory Mon 26-Nov-12 08:45:40

My SIL was a bit like this. It wore off when her (very sensible) ds got old enough to realise that this kind of parent was not a social asset. He has become very adept at gently deflating her and over the years her boasting has gradually dried up. Perhaps your friend's ds will be able to perform a similar service to his mum. It's insecurity that drives it. At one point SIL was even stressing because my dd was taller than her ds- well dd is almost a whole year older hmm. She's still a lovely lady and has become more confident over the years.

Chigley1 Mon 26-Nov-12 08:48:11

I think we all know someone like this! I'm a tutor and recently had an enquiry from a parent of a TWO year old. Needless to say I declined in as polite a manner as I could muster. Poor child.

MrsDeVere Mon 26-Nov-12 08:50:38

Sometimes this can be genuine amazement at the wonderful creature you have managed to produce. But it just flips over into madness grin
It can be insecurity as pp said
Or it can just be a carry on from someone's self obsessiveness. They were like that before kids so they just transfer some of it onto their poor kid!

Kalisi Mon 26-Nov-12 08:52:48

Yanbu to find it amusing, you will meet many parents like this and the only thing you can do is laugh quietly to yourself and let them get on with it. I've got a friend who actually said about her toddler "I'm going to have such a hard job stimulating him as he gets older, it's alright for you long pause so she didn't have to actually say the words your son is just average but *Bob is just so ridiculously clever. I was pretty hmm

TheLightPassenger Mon 26-Nov-12 08:53:01

hopefully none of her friends have any developmental etc worries about their children, these text round robins may not go down v well if so!

impty Mon 26-Nov-12 09:04:54

Haha... I think you shoud stay friends with her for a very long time! It will be very interesting to see what this prodigy will turn grow up to be.... Decidedly average would be my guess.

sue52 Mon 26-Nov-12 09:06:49

Parents do eventually get over this "my kid is genius" phase. In the meantime just employ the time honoured smile and nod routine with the mother.

She'll be really embarrassed about this when her PFB is older and she realises what a fool she's been.

BillyBollyBallum Mon 26-Nov-12 09:09:11

I have a friend who told me when I was pregnant with dd1 that she hoped i had "a thick one" shock as it would be much easier for me than having one like her ds.

Her ds is struggling at school (and is thankfully several years older than my dd's so can't compare) but both parents are convinced it is the school and not him. I feel a bit sad for all of them tbh.

YANBU. In my MG there's a lady with a DD a few weeks younger than mine. Apparently she's a prodigy. The most beautiful, the smartest, the most advanced...
She's really average. Sure, she's cute, but most 18mo's are cute. Hell, mine's the cutest on the planet grin
Most amusing of all is how she likes to tell the other mums (some of whom have many children, teenaged down to baby, and this is all old hat) how to raise their children to be whatever, and how to ensure that the teen years are easy and worry free.

Sit back and giggle, Op.

MiketheKnight Mon 26-Nov-12 09:10:57

I think when he gets to school and she potentially comes across some truly gifted and talented children it might make her reign in her behaviour a little. I do think though that she's going to be one of those mothers that collars the teacher on a daily basis and insists that little Tarquin needs more demanding work or is getting bored at school or whatever.

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 09:12:18

Ach everybody knows somebody like this I know my children are obvious genuises or is it genui grin ignore let them think that their child is some sort of miracle to behold and leave them to it

wifey6 Mon 26-Nov-12 09:13:09

My friend was the same with her DS..he is a day younger than my DS & she became very competitive with his development. She would put on FB all these things he would say & when we met for coffee..he never spoke except the general babble.(not just that odd occasion but on several) She didnt like that my DS could do puzzles etc...hmm unfortunately when she took her DS to 'prove' he was gifted..they told her he had many developmental delays & she then went from 'my gifted child' to 'my poor child'. But of course we all rallied to offer any advice support we could to help.

Themumsnot Mon 26-Nov-12 09:15:38

Ah yes, I well remember the child in reception with DD1 whose mother made herself eternally popular at the classroom door by announcing that they were looking at private schools for Genius Child as she didn't feel the school would be able to cope with such a high-ability child as her son.
The only particular evidence of high ability that the rest of us had noticed was the ability to tear our living rooms apart in 10 seconds flat when brought round for a playdate by his doting mamma.
Who, incidentally, was so oblivious to his destructive little ways which she made no effort whatsoever to rein in, that once, when I was visiting another friend, she made me hide behind the sofa with her when we say doting mamma and her hooligan offspring coming up the front path.

MiketheKnight Mon 26-Nov-12 09:16:04

Wankbadgers, the woman I know is just like that. She gives un-asked for advice and has an opinion on every area of parenting. I have two older children, one of whom is a teenager and she regularly tries to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing with regards to my teen. Even when we'd just had our babies she had plenty of advice for us all on how to look after our newborn. One of the first things she asked me was whether DS was sleeping through and I said no,he wasn't (he was 6 weeks old), and she said "You do realise you need to do night feeds in the dark to get them sleeping through don't you?"

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 09:17:40

I have 2 facebook friends who are really lovely and rational people , until it comes to their babies there is about 4/5 weeks between them we have had the sleep bragging the weaning bragging the I am sure my baby said daddy ( he was 5 months old) It is quite funny to watch

Theas18 Mon 26-Nov-12 09:25:09

This isn't going to end well. (1st time I've said that LOL) as most mumsnet kids, especially the primary aged ones are terrible advanced for their aged and are not having their academic needs met at school.

Fact.

Read the primary education threads....

Trouble is primary label 20% (IIRC) as G&T which can't be right can it? Just being in the top 1/5 of the class is normal ...

There is an awful lot of competitive baby parenting going on. From who sleeps through first and who walks first (as if that makes one iota of difference long term) to book bands etc

Tongue in cheek icon before I get flamed!

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 26-Nov-12 09:28:51

It is that awful type of funny with parents like that.

Sometimes though I am genuinely amazed at my dc, really really amazed they know and do certain things. I don't go round texting friends what they have done or said though grin

AndiMac Mon 26-Nov-12 09:28:54

I think most parents are like this at first when they have their first child. As MrsDeVere said, part of this is just the amazement at this human you have produced and part is not having any other comparison when they are little. So they learn to do something new and you think, "Baby couldn't do that yesterday and no one taught them. They must be a GENIUS!" And then you meet up with friends who have kids the same age and find all their babies can all the new thing your baby can do. So I think by age 2 (of the child), most people will have gotten over this phase but some get stuck in it for longer or forever.

MariaMandarin Mon 26-Nov-12 09:32:45

Seen this a lot. Generally the school and/or a specific teacher will get the blame if dc don't achieve their spectacular potential. It is not possible that maybe their child is merely average.

MiketheKnight Mon 26-Nov-12 09:33:50

I think that's the thing isn't it Brandy? We all think our children are amazing and wonderful but we keep a sense of perspective and know we are proud of them because they are our child and we don't go round forcing our child's abilities down other peoples' throats.

I do find it all really amusing with my friend though and I tend to just listen away and smile, because I think sooner or later she will come down to earth with a bump.

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 09:35:18

Tongue in cheek icon before I get flamed!

we so need 1 of those the grin looks mad and the wink looks a bit iffy

MariaMandarin Mon 26-Nov-12 09:36:12

Yes agree that some of it is just the wonder of a new baby and all the things that they naturally learn to do. I've been a nanny for years and have to look on with faux amazement every time a baby claps or blows a raspberry for the first time. I do not say 'they ALL do it. Your child is like all the others'.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 26-Nov-12 09:37:03

Yes I could start boasting about my dc, they are so amazing but I also know the only people I can drone on to that want to hear it and share my amazement is my nan smile.

I also have never ever rang the school and said the work isn't hard enough or they're not being challenged grin, that is way over the top.

MiketheKnight Mon 26-Nov-12 09:40:51

It was the tutor thing that made me laugh the most. Who on earth gets a tutor for a 3 year old? I think her rationale behind it is because she wants him to be super-advanced when he starts school...

Arthurfowlersallotment Mon 26-Nov-12 09:43:13

My seven month old blew raspberries for forty minutes on the train yesterday. Only pausing to emit a long squeal at an especially challenging frequency.

Of course, the other passengers were in total awe at her genius.

grin

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 09:45:09

Of course, the other passengers were in total awe at her genius.

aww obviously a little genuis you have there smile

dinkybinky Mon 26-Nov-12 09:45:47

Only 16% of the population, or about 1 in every 6 has an IQ of 116 or above, therefor most children and adults will be distinctly average

MiketheKnight Mon 26-Nov-12 09:47:16

I do wonder too whether she makes up the things he's supposed to have said, as he never says anything remotely genius-like when in the company of the rest of us.

gazzalw Mon 26-Nov-12 09:47:46

I think it's a very middle-class phenomenon or a sign of gross insecurity or maybe the two go together!

WheelieBinRebel Mon 26-Nov-12 09:48:52

You will always, always come across these types when you have children. I like to think that is just their misguided way of showing their pride and amazement. That said, it can be utterly infuriating and soul-destroying at times.

I'm speaking as one who has one dc who is classed as "advanced" and is set extra work in class to keep her motivated. My other child quite frankly struggles and I know that other parents look down on her as a few have said as much in a "poor you" kind of way and then gone on to boast about their child prodigy!!!

handsandknees Mon 26-Nov-12 09:50:38

I have to admit I did compare dc1 with others too much, and worried unnecessarily when others could do things she couldn't. It was all very silly and luckily I kept it to myself! Dc2 brought me down to earth with a bump as he has some developmental problems.

My mum is the one who boasts about what dc1 can do - it's so embarrassing and also quite thoughtless considering her other grandchild never seems to get a mention. Like Cory said, dd very quickly developed a radar for "granny's showing me off again" moments and refused to perform. I remember being so proud when my mum was trying over and over again to get 12 month old dd to tell everyone what the cow says while dd sat there with a hmm face which just said "you know fine well what the cow says".

Arthurfowlersallotment Mon 26-Nov-12 09:50:45

Absolutely Mrsjay, she devours books, literally.. wink

OP YANBU as I think most of us have encountered parents like this.
Unfortunately their bragging, which can be amusing, can distress some people who worry about their child's development. I think if someone does have a very clever child, that's great, but there's no need to take out a full page in The Times.

Kalisi Mon 26-Nov-12 09:51:26

Jokes aside, some of us do genuinely have gifted children. My son blows me away every single day with his abilities and I feel the need to tell everyone as I am worried that if others do not know how capable he is, they will not react to him in the way that is required.
It is also nothing do do with luck, child prodigys like mine are created by good parenting. You are all just jealous.

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 09:51:50

Absolutely Mrsjay, she devours books, literally..

just getting a feel (and taste) for them smile

sweetkitty Mon 26-Nov-12 09:51:50

I do have a G&T child DD2, for the most part we play it down as we don't want to be those kind of pushy parents. Plus her sister is only 18months older than her and it is blatantly obvious that DD2 is cleverer than DD1, even DD1 knows it.

We did get a few comments when other parents heard her read when she was 4 and the teacher had said there were parents up demanding to know why their DC couldn't read like that. We just want her to enjoy primary school, not put any pressure on her.

I love these FB videos of young children reading, what's that all about?

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 09:52:34

It is also nothing do do with luck, child prodigys like mine are created by good parenting. You are all just jealous.

hmm

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Mon 26-Nov-12 09:52:49

I think most people do this to some extent, even if they only think that their child is the cleverest/handsomest/friendliest person to ever grace the planet with their presence. Taking it to the extent your friend has though just smacks of either sheer arrogance or deep insecurity.

DS was teeny tiny when he was born and put on weight very slowly. I used to send weekly updates on his weight gain to a couple of friends, who gently humoured me because they knew how worried I was. I'm blush about it now he's a strapping 2yo!

AndiMac Mon 26-Nov-12 09:53:40

I'm guessing Kalisi is being ironical. I certainly hope so.

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 09:54:36

I'm guessing Kalisi is being ironical. I certainly hope so.

erm me too thats why I did the face ,

MiketheKnight Mon 26-Nov-12 09:55:25

I too have a gifted and talented DD, but I never mention her abilities to people apart from family members as I have no need to get others' approval and validation, and I think other people are pretty good at sussing out whether a child is intelligent or not. I could if I wanted to be mean, tell the woman I know some of the things DD was doing and saying at her son's age.

If anything I try to play down DD's achievements a little in front of other people, as like someone has pointed out, you never know what concerns others may have about their child's development.

Coralanne Mon 26-Nov-12 09:55:42

My friend has a DS who has always been extremely brilliant. Both academically and all sorts of sport.

He also happens to be extremely popular with everyone.

He is now studying physics and something to do with astronomy. He has also written several textbooks.

Never in all the years I have known them has my friend commented on his abilities.

If any one mentions to her how bright he is she laughs and says "God knows where he got it from, it certainly wasn't me or his Dad"

To top it off he is a very good looking boy.

PropertyNightmare Mon 26-Nov-12 09:57:00

Your shoes I would probably encourage the madness of this woman. It is fun to have something to laugh at and from what you have said she is fair game. She will be told her child is average once he is at school so quick, make the most of the humour at the humour at this woman's expense whilst you still have time.

AndiMac Mon 26-Nov-12 09:58:11

Coralanne, this friend's son sounds like quite a catch! How old is he? wink

noblegiraffe Mon 26-Nov-12 09:59:48

Wait till they get to secondary school and aren't put in the top set for maths. 'But little Einstein was always on the top table for maths in primary, his teacher said he was very good at maths. There must be a mistake, and you're not challenging him enough'
'er, no, he's now a little fish in a very big pond and didn't do well enough to get into the top set. We have a lot of really bright ones. Maybe with hard work he will do well and get himself promoted'

Kalisi Mon 26-Nov-12 10:00:11

Unless you count decorating my front room in his own shit the work of a child Picasso then yes, I would say I was attempting irony fail I blame the lack of appropriate emoticons grin

Coralanne Mon 26-Nov-12 10:00:35

AndiMac he is now 24 (Not a boy I guess). He was bestman at my DD's wedding as he is a good friend of her DH.

He truely is a remarkable person.

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 10:01:35

Unless you count decorating my front room in his own shit the work of a child Picasso then yes, I would say I was attempting irony fail I blame the lack of appropriate emoticons

ach it was me i didnt 'get it' I am not the brightest bulb my mum never bragged about me grin

shesariver Mon 26-Nov-12 10:02:11

kalisis I take it you are joking? Right...??

Coralanne Mon 26-Nov-12 10:02:49

On the other hand my sister is practice manager at a medical centre and the GP who owns the practice has 3 or 4 degrees on top of his medical degree.

When he was in primary his parents were literally told by one teacher that he would probably struggle all through school.

Kalisi Mon 26-Nov-12 10:05:27

fucking hilarious me grin

Adversecamber Mon 26-Nov-12 10:06:16

I never thought DS was especially advanced as a toddler he is however proving to be like his Father though who is a bit of a genius. It caused huge friction between him and his elder sister as they were growing up. I actually think it is really bloody hard parenting a child like this. He corrected his history teacher a couple of weeks ago in front of the class. My happiest moments are when he shows empathy for others. I find the intense debates he could handle from about age 6 incredibly wearing.

Between them and even though they don't mean to I really feel like bottom of the food chain sometimes.

Hamishbear Mon 26-Nov-12 10:06:33

You can develop a child's intellect IME. I have friends who have 7 year olds who are competent at long multiplication and division (Kumon). Parents have pulled them out now they have speedy arithmetic under their belt and full knowledge of tables - typically started young. It stands them in good stead at school where conceptual understanding is deepened (they already have solid arithmetic tools). I know others who have taught their children to read and write before they start school. Again through practice and lots of exposure they tend to become competent early on. Again they tend to do well at school and stand out.

They tend to be praised early on. Then more often than not they become self motivated to do more study, virtuous circles are created etc. I'm in Asia. I've seen perfectly ordinarily children do the remarkable.

MsElleTow Mon 26-Nov-12 10:12:08

My SIL was like that about DN. DN didn't sit still because she was too bright and was bored, unlike DS1 who, at just 4 months older, was easier to entertain because he is obviously average! DN left school with Cs and Ds at GCSE, DS1 got all A*s and As and is now doing A levels and DN is not doing anything much!

We moved school when DS2 was in year1, he was a better reader than the TA's child, and so the TA demanded to know why he was on a different reading band to her little darling!hmm

Bunnygotwhacked Mon 26-Nov-12 10:12:36

My ds the middle one is very clever has absolutely no common sense or spatial awareness mind (not had him assessed regarding G&T) and we don't know where he gets it from though his dad reckons it's him. I have met a few pushy mums over the years the one that really sticks out though is he one we met on a nursery visit she told me how advanced her ds was how he was building things,puzzles. How into everything and questioning he was etc etc and how it must be nice, to have a normal child. Think ds was playing with cars at this point as hers was so tiring.
I pointed and said he is teaching himself to read and write shock << her face.
Then she said well you have lots of time to teach him you don't work. She got a bit more miffed when i said something like nah we just let him get on with it.

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 10:14:05

eurgh YANBU!!!

I have a friend from a baby group I met when our DC's were newborn. DC's are now 18months and she recently put on facebook that she's having him 'tested' for being a genius....

the worst part is that she constantly goes on about how he's 'smarter than any other child his age' erm... like my dc? makes me angry! Especially as my DD walked months before hers did and I didn't make a big fuss at all, since they all do things at different times.

bootsycollins Mon 26-Nov-12 10:15:10

My 2 lovely aunties obsessively claim that all babies and children our family have ever produced are all geniuses, all not true and hilarious. When they go off on a big genius rant we just counteract with " Yes and then blah blah (18 month old) translated War and Peace into Latin and sat a grade 7 piano exam etc etc". Their well meaning but it can be boring and repetitive. I can remember my boy being 2 years old and one of the aunties said he was a genius and she couldn't get her head round me disagreeing with her and worse still that I didn't want him to be a genius, yes he's a bright kid but genius is a bit strong, bless, they mean well

vladthedisorganised Mon 26-Nov-12 10:19:48

It's funny, I am often amazed by my DD, in the general context of 'isn't it amazing what a two year old can pick up?' as much as 'isn't she wonderful?' I would generally only share an anecdote that was particularly funny or sympathetic ("Oh God, yes, ours does that too, we've had to triple-padlock the front door after that time she went out in pursuit of next door's cat..").

This can be difficult to phrase in the right way though. "It's amazing to see them reciting nursery rhymes - it's fascinating how much they remember at this age, isn't it?" for instance, means exactly what it says; rather than "My DD can recite Polly Put The Kettle On, so by next week she'll be reciting King Lear because she's obviously so talented!"

I remember, with a cringey embarssment, turning to DH when DS1 was about 8 months old and basically saying I thought he might be Special. As in, a Gift From On High. That he might well go on to do Amazing Things. DH, to his credit, looked at me like this hmm, patted my hand and handed me chocolate. DS1 is now 12, and does Amazing Things in his bedroom which requires a gas mask and tongs to retrieve his socks.

MiketheKnight Mon 26-Nov-12 10:23:28

vlad, the woman I know is very much like the latter example you've just given

mamaslatts Mon 26-Nov-12 10:25:15

Always thought DS1 was very clever, told by year 1 teacher at parents' evening recently that 'he was doing well he's in my middle band' I was shock but luckily had always kept my trap shut about any advanced abilities I thought he had. My dm, on the other hand, did not blush

DeWe Mon 26-Nov-12 10:26:22

I knew someone at toddler group like that. When said dc was about 6-8 months they started babbling. She was convinced that the child was talking in sentences.
So you'd get <baby babbles>
"Oh, she's just said that she really likes your coat."
hmm
<more baby babbling>
"She says red is her favourite colour."

Imagine the shock for her when age 2yo the nursery referred her to SALT because she had less than 10 words. Apparently the nursery was just not appreciating her dd, and needed to spend more time talking to her. hmm

The other one (and I see it on here) is people saying their dc misbehaves and people come straight back with "I can see he's really bright so he's probably bored..."
No, actually I can assure you, my ds misbehaves not because he's bored. It's because he actually does not want to do as he's told and he likes to test how far he can go. He is just as capable of misbehaving in something he finds tricky, as something he finds easy, probably more likely.

FredFredGeorge Mon 26-Nov-12 10:26:55

I agree it's so bad when parents do this - especially as they seem completely blind to how brilliant DD is no matter how much I tell them.

vladthedisorganised Mon 26-Nov-12 10:29:18

I thought so, Mike: still chortling at the idea of a private tutor for a 3 year old grin.

MiketheKnight Mon 26-Nov-12 10:38:02

LOL vlad me too!

DeWe yes I've noticed that too

Kalisi Mon 26-Nov-12 10:39:36

Dewe I completely agree with you. My aforementioned friend constantly reffers to her sons distinctively normal temper tantrums as frustration at being so clever. He misbehaves very frequently but ofcourse, he is just bored and needs more challenging stimuli hmm

MiketheKnight Mon 26-Nov-12 10:40:10

When my DS misbehaves it's because he's being a little bugger....Intelligence doesn't come into it.

boaty Mon 26-Nov-12 10:47:18

I was a bit like this with DS1 <disclaimer: young, naive etc> blush but soon learnt when I went to toddler group, there I met another mum with a child who clearly was a G & T hmm If my DS did anything he couldn't she took him home and made him practice until he was better at it! When my DS got a scholarship to a prep school she wouldn't speak to me! grin
Fast forward 10 years and my DS was a bright boy but nothing spectacular...I did have a hmm moment when his drama teacher gushed in a luvvy way about my son saying "do you know just how talented your son is!!!?" grin

blanksquit Mon 26-Nov-12 10:55:24

I know a lady a bit like this. Sadly for her ds, it's extended into school. She is very frustrated that her ds isn't do as well as she expects him to. And she has been known to blame the teachers for his lack of progress.

But she and her dh are not particularly high achievers academically. So why on earth do they expect their ds to be some sort of genius. It's a huge pressure to put on a small child.

anothercuppaplease Mon 26-Nov-12 10:58:02

What gets me are parents who say that 'My ds is misbehaving at school because he is so bored and not challenged enough'. Maybe he is just badly behaved?

MiketheKnight Mon 26-Nov-12 10:58:32

The woman I know is quite a superior person in lots of ways; she likes to be the best, look the best, have the most expensive things, and let everyone know that she has far better things than them, so I'm assuming her son is just part of this and that she wants to have the brightest, most wonderful charming child there is.

Lilymaid Mon 26-Nov-12 11:10:45

As my DCs are now in their 20s I can see what then happened to all these "genius" children who were desperate to go to school when my DCs would have stayed in playgroup for the rest of their days! In most cases, they turn out not to be all that brilliant at all. And the really gifted children we have known often underachieve as adults and have the choice to do what they want to do.

My favourite incident was at the reception class welcome meeting when one of my neighbours asked if her DD could have extra homework - she hadn't even started school.

Osmiornica Mon 26-Nov-12 11:12:19

Surely an intelligent child would never get caught at misbehaving grin

Journey Mon 26-Nov-12 11:14:16

I think parents that boast about how intelligent their dcs are are very insecure and probably quite thick. If you come from a bright family then it isn't that big a deal if your dcs are bright since you probably assumed that they would be anyway.

The more you boast about your dc the thicker you would appear in my eyes.

Comments on early potty training and linking it to being bright would just make me laugh.

The lack of modesty and how insensitive parents like these can be is unbelievable.

All the g&t labelling that goes on in schools is over the top. The majority are just very good but not exceptional. Your truly g&t dcs only appear about once every seven years in a particular field not every year in a class.

The boy of the family coralanne describes sounds fabulous. Their lack of boasting would make me admire their ds because their attitude to their ds's ability is great.

blisterpack Mon 26-Nov-12 11:16:31

"But she and her dh are not particularly high achievers academically. So why on earth do they expect their ds to be some sort of genius. It's a huge pressure to put on a small child. "

This is what puzzles me. Without exception, everyone I know like this are not high achievers themselves, neither are the spouses. Maybe they want, desperately, their children to break the mould so read into things that aren't there?

Years ago I was giggling with my cousin about some of the silly things then baby DD1 was doing, when she gave me a sympathetic look and said "Don't worry, all children are different, some are just SSSSLLLLLOOOOOWWWW". Imagine telling that to a mother about her baby! Hers of course is a genius.
Fast forward ten years and I'm happy to report that DD is very academic and doing very well at school, hers is average while being tutored everyday

milkymocha Mon 26-Nov-12 11:32:54

Coralanne And where exactly do i send my application for a date with this wonderful man you speak of? grin

TerrorNotSoFrightened Mon 26-Nov-12 11:33:56

Oh bugger. I think I may have just come across like this today.
I posted a funny thing DD said yesterday on facebook and just realised it may have come across as boasting. Balls.

Must be more careful.

Hamishbear Mon 26-Nov-12 11:36:08

Nothing wrong with having high educational aspirations for your child I think. Why is it seemingly so frowned upon in the UK?

I've seen children, nurtured & probably, yes, pushed from an early age, go on to get scholarships etc for some well regarded schools etc.

Just make sure every time she tells you some such shite tale "Do write it down, so it can go on his CV"

She is being rediculous.

There is a woman at school like this - her DS is in the same year as my DS - she has already told her son that he will not be going to school with his friends as he is far cleverer and will obviously be going to grammer school!

Poor kid - has no social skills whatsoever and being wrenched from his friends who accept his lack of social skills will do him no end of harm.

I don't boast about DS's intellect - have no idea if he is brighter or not than his peers - say he is going to get by with his bloody oddles of charm that he seems to use on everybody he comes into contact with - well I hope that is the case as he seems to find learning his tables totally beyond him.

Lilymaid Mon 26-Nov-12 11:43:14

"Nothing wrong with having high educational aspirations for your child I think. Why is it seemingly so frowned upon in the UK?"
I don't think that is the point of this thread - it is about the unjustifed assumptions of some parents that their children are somehow exceptional and that other DCs are not.
I can now be naughty and gloat ... as time has passed and their DCs turned out to be rather unexceptional.

HeirExtensions Mon 26-Nov-12 11:53:38

I have a DD who is an Evil Genius. Not quite sure it's the same thing though grin

Hamish: no one has any problem with high educational aspirations. At least no one I know. This thread isn't about that. Not even close.

It's about unbelievably stupid boasting from deluded parents about the PFBs (or any child for that matter).

In any case, imagine being the poor kid that fails to live up to his/her parents' educational aspirations. There are very serious problems surrounding this in countries like Japan and Singapore where the societal/parental pressure to do well is often very extreme.

Aspirations really have to come from within; there's no point trying to force your child to be what you want them to be. You have to let them make their own choices (and mistakes). Yes, parents can encourage some activities and behaviours. But you can't force your child to want what you think they should. It may turn out that their own ideas were way better than yours anyway.

GossipWitch Mon 26-Nov-12 12:00:36

Yes, my son is a genius, he's ten and out wits me, is very quick with a come back, and can have amazing arguments over why he shouldn't be punished, or should be punished in a different way. Pretty average grades though if not a little under the norm to be fair but then he does argue whether his work is in the correct book with his teacher though hmm

GossipWitch Mon 26-Nov-12 12:01:49

Oh and he is also a pedant.

Netguru Mon 26-Nov-12 12:08:09

Lilymaid. Agree absolutely. My eldest was distinctly average at primary and challenging in his behaviour. One parent springs to mind who declared her children both to be G&T and regularly made crass statements about the need to educate them privately so they could achieve their full potential.

Roll on 12 years and my son has graduated from top Uni and got brilliant job. Her son left a mediocre Uni with a poor degree and is still looking. If I sound gloating, I am in a way although to be honest it is with a huge dollop of surprise.

My 13 year old dd is not that bright but works hard. My youngest son is exceptionally bright but just will not work at school. Who knows how things will turn out.

If my experience has taught me anything, you can't force a child to be anything it isn't. You can encourage, you can facilitate but at the end of the day they are individuals.

BornSour Mon 26-Nov-12 12:08:18

I have a friend like this who is convinced that her dd is a genius compared to her peers. She always gets the rage when she gets her estimated attainment, wondering how the school can get it so wrong when she's so advanced.

The thing is she's never been advanced. She's working at the level she should be, which is brilliant and she's a lovely little girl.

Its a shame, really, as instead of being happy with her dd and how she's doing, she's always disappointed and that must be hard on her dd.

Hamishbear Mon 26-Nov-12 12:10:01

Agree Arbitrary, can see both sides. Agree motivation has to be intrinsic but if parents are passionate, encouraging and believe children can do more than perhaps they know - academically as well as more broadly - the results can be surprising sometimes.

If parents think their children are just average and that's that (because that's what someone in authority says early on) not sure that's a good thing. There's nothing wrong with encouraging a child to strive academically. Children can live up or down to our expectations.

My mum phoned me the other day to tell me she'd found my report card from primary 5. Apparently, I was 'a mediocre student with no particular abilities'. grin

All my school report cards were very similar from my utterly crap primary school. In the end, I got the best higher results in my entire year, graduated top of my class at university and went on to a PhD/an academic career at a very good university.

MIL was told throughout DH's schooling that he was really very thick. He's now got a PhD and an academic career too. I know she adores telling people this, particularly when they are the same people who used to look at her with pity/make snarky comments about DH when he was growing up.

Dawndonna Mon 26-Nov-12 12:23:26

I have two in G&T. Ds2 got A* for gcses. As for his AS levels and is predicted A* for his A levels.
I wish he had some friends. I wish he could cross a road safely. I wish he were able to cope with getting on a bus.
Dd2 is predicted the same as her brother. I wish she had friends, didn't get bullied because of her looks and wheelchair use.
They are, as are my two other children, clever and funny and gorgeous. They have Asperger syndrome and no social skills.
It's not always wonderful being the parent of gifted children, as somebody further up thread said, it's hard work. It's also soul destroying when they'd like to have a friend and don't know how.

My SiL goes around telling people and texting friends to say her DS, who is three, is advanced and as intelligent as a 6 year old (whatever that means). This is based on nothing from professionals, just her and MiL's opinion because he gets bored easily and has a look of concentration. Perhaps it's because he has far too many toys, is actually confused and is turning into an only child cliche!

hellsbells76 Mon 26-Nov-12 12:28:34

There's a song in the Matilda musical about this very phenomenon ('Miracle'). It's hilarious.

blisterpack Mon 26-Nov-12 12:37:06

Having high aspirations for your children is great. But posting pics of "Well Done!" cards from the teacher (WTAF, it's the bright children who don't seem to get them in our school) on Facebook, putting status updates like "Guess who got the main part in the school play?" and responding with "Of course my child is more than capable of doing that" when someone asks for advice on children's activities is not doing your child any favours.

I find parental competitiveness over parts in nursery/school plays utterly hilarious. And they often have no relation to what the kids think is good/impressive.One of my friends asked about DS2 being Joseph in the nursery nativity (because her DS had gotten mixed up about roles). I happily explained that another boy was Joseph and that DS2 has chosen to be a donkey. He's absolutely delighted about being a donkey. When DS1 was younger, he was delighted to be a sheep in a nativity because he got to run around in circles on the stage. In his eyes, this was the best possible role to have.

I did get annoyed at one of DS1's schools where they seemed to allocated speaking parts according to how posh the kids' accents were. The school was in the Home Counties and some of the kids had very RP accents. Most of the kids sounded a bit north London. You'd never have known from the school assemblies/shows though. (DS1, of course, was never allowed to speak because he has a Glasgow accent shock). That sort of thing was just typical of the bloody awful school though. All fur coat and no knickers...

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Mon 26-Nov-12 12:48:53

What I find works for me with people like that is being reversely competitive. So I make it into a competition about who is the most laid back parent and make out that I'm above any of that academic stuff!

I make out that I don't have a clue what level my children are on in their maths lessons, or that no, they eat value chicken not organic chicken, or that I actually prefer them to have a lesser part in the Xmas play as then I don't have to make a costume. I then praise their child profusely 'Oh wow how amazing that little J can tie his shoelaces at 2 months old, you must be so very proud'

People like that are usually, I find, lacking in confidence and need the whole world to give them attention to give them a boost.

Oh, I can't be bothered with being reverse competitive either.

I'm quite happy with my kids the way they are. Foibles and all. I prefer to share the funny anecdotes with my friends (who do the same). Their antics are much more interesting.

Janeatthebarre Mon 26-Nov-12 12:52:14

My neighbour has three truly gifted children - highly highly intelligent, talented (and very good looking to boot) and she is one of the least competitive boastful mums I know. I think, as has been said on the 'creative' thread that people often say things that they wish were true but are actually complete fantasy.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Mon 26-Nov-12 12:52:19

I was meaning the person the OP knows, Arbitrary :-)

jojane Mon 26-Nov-12 12:54:00

Dawndonna - I know exactly how you feel, ds1 is nearly 6 and very advanced acedemically, photographic memory, knows more than me about space and geography etc etc but he still wets himself, has no real friends and refuses to dress himself.
I sometimes wish he was more average all round instead of extremes.
I get embarrassed when people comment on his intelligence and always downplay it or comment that I wish he could stay dry as I don't want to come over as boasting.

Dd has just started school (she is 4 ) and when teacher said to her she was very clever (think she did well on her phonics or something) she replied yes I am but not as clever as my brother! Felt bad wen I heard that as wonder if we don't give her as much encouragement and praise as my ds1.

Well, in the OP's situation I'd ignore all mediated boasting (FB, texts, etc) and respond with a non-committal 'that's nice' to in person boasting and make a mental note to avoid sitting standing near her in future/hide her on FB.

Hiding people on FB is just wonderful. I've hidden my stepdad's nieces. It would be problematic for family politics to de-friend them, so I just make sure I can't see the weird, poor-me stuff they post. I do the same with people who insists on posting about how in love their are with their OH/how much sex they are having (really, do they think anyone wants to know this, least of all their MIL who is also on FB?), or how wonderful their children are (beyond normal boundaries). IME the people posting this kind of stuff are protesting a bit too much.

OkayHazel Mon 26-Nov-12 13:50:49

Strikes me as the kind of mum who's child 'is at university in Oxford'.

Yeah love, Oxford Brookes University, not Oxford. Good grief.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Mon 26-Nov-12 13:53:15

shes probably a mixture of a little bit insecure about her parenting and totally head over heals with her child and amazed at every little thing he does.

Acepuppets Mon 26-Nov-12 14:22:22

The major problem when labeling a child as a genius is that they don't develop a good work ethic and start to flounder when they have reached their level. We need to encourage children and celebrate their successes but also keep them down to earth so they become rounded human beings.

Lilymaid Mon 26-Nov-12 15:26:32

Okayhazel - I once shared an office with a woman who claimed she went to Cambridge. It turned out that she had been at a teacher training college 20 miles from Cambridge whose two year certificates in education (this was years ago) were approved by the University of Cambridge. But she still told people "When I was at Cambridge ..."

laptopdancer Mon 26-Nov-12 15:32:36

We have one like this. The sad thing is, she has also convinced the child he is extra brilliant and that school and other kids are boring and beneath him. She recently told me that in a teacher interview, the child told the teacher 1) he was bored and 2) to not pair him with a certain other child for work as it "just wont work". Now I have strong views on the concept of smart kids and the concept of being bored but thats another story.

Anyway...I recently did a day in the classroom and noticed that this child wasnt anywhere near any cleverer than any of the others and that he had an inability to accept he was wrong when he was, indeed so. I also noted there was an atmosphere between him and the teacher as he was quite rude to her for most of the day.

Long story short, I think some of these parents could be heading their chikldren for a fall.

wordfactory Mon 26-Nov-12 15:43:54

We have a genius in our extended family. His mother is convinced of it.

Unfortunately over the years his potential has remained unfullfilled due to poor teachers, poor schools, poor reading schemes, poor marking schemes...I recall one lunch where she trued to convince DH that the problem lay wiht the lack of drinking water during class. If only the boy could quench his thirst we'd all see how brilliant he was.

blisterpack Mon 26-Nov-12 15:54:56

Yy to that lapdancer. A relative took her child to a load of schools for admission and was telling me about it. She said the child didn't like X school. I asked why, and child cut in "Oh I hated that stupid school. They don't have a test". She was FIVE shock. Clearly the mother had been telling her that good schools select children based on tests. Mum was beaming with pride.

sue52 Mon 26-Nov-12 15:55:29

Reminds me of the time when I took my then 2 year old to tumble tots. One of the other mothers tried to tell the teacher that her boy needed private lessons because of his advanced athletic skills and by saying no tothe idea, the teacher was denying Britain a future Olympic Gold medal. I thought it was odd as to my knowledge,there are no Olympic events involving large bits of soft foam and giant sheets.

Acepuppets Mon 26-Nov-12 16:05:54

I agree Lapdance - an intelligent child would never get bored because they would find learning opportunities everywhere. I would understand a bored child who had completed an excellent 100% accurate piece of work, unfortunately a lot of very 'intelligent' ]wink]bored kids seem to hide their talent extremely well.

Acepuppets Mon 26-Nov-12 16:06:35

Hey obviously i'm not intelligent wink

YANBU, let her continue to make herself look ridiculous. Have popped across from the SN boards to say I have two DDs who have been on Gifted and Talented register and also have a young son with Down's Syndrome. He is only just becoming verbal at 3 years so people would say he has developmental delays, however this boy shines with an emotional intelligence that you have to witness in action to believe...a gentle reminder for all that there is more than IQ involved in being gifted....

misscomanche Mon 26-Nov-12 19:11:45

I recently read an interview with Alicia Keys that amused me greatly- apparently she writes songs with her 2 year old son, and he has been composing his own from 6 months old hmm Also, he is learning Mandarin because he is very advanced

BillyBollyBallum Mon 26-Nov-12 19:19:13

Hear hear Perspective

Being happy is what matters, not academia.

Geranium3 Mon 26-Nov-12 19:23:26

oh i know someone just like that! She phoned me when her ds was a few days old to tell me that when he was only 2days old he was trying to roll over and the nurses told her that they had never ever seen a newborn baby do it before!!! Wow! How could my dd ever compete with such a genius!!

FunBagFreddie Mon 26-Nov-12 19:25:41

I think it's sweet that parents could think so much of their DC's in a way. It's still funny though. grin

carabos Mon 26-Nov-12 19:27:19

Agree with noblegiraffe's comments about big fish and small ponds. DS1 was at the local vg catholic primary and we were summoned by the Head and the parish priest and told that he was very bright and we should apply to a very famous catholic boarding school in our county for a scholarship.

We didn't want him to board but did act on their advice and he went to a local independent with a bursary. However, he took a full year to settle, got way behind in his work and was miserable and overwhelmed. He wasn't special as everyone had to pass a stiff exam to get in so he became a little fish in a big pond.

He eventually turned it around, did ok, went to a good uni, but took a big knock to his confidence on the way.

Saski Mon 26-Nov-12 19:30:53

This touches a nerve. I think this has reached epidemic proportions amongst people I socialize with.
I do try to be a courteous conversationalist when out and about, and in doing so, I've become an unwitting foil for people's monologues about their children. I am so fed up. I do not want to pay a babysitter to go to dinner and listen to people talk endlessly about how intelligent their children are.
I kind of long for how the 70's might have been, when my parents didn't even bother to notice, much less discuss me with friends, past the hour of 7pm.

KittyFane1 Mon 26-Nov-12 19:43:54

Dawndonna sad

cocolepew Mon 26-Nov-12 20:23:53

When my DD was in her first school christmas play she was picked to play Mary. I heard from soneone who worked at the school there were some parents trying to get their DDs the part. What they didn't realise was she was given the part because it was non speaking. DD had severe speech delay.

She is now 14 and seems bright enough, predicted to have A* on her exams, but seems incapable of putting her dirty washing in the basket hmm

Well, my son points to a picture of a sheep and says 'baa' he is clearly a genius. the fact he says this to every picture of an animal is entirely beside the point

grin

harbingerofdoom Mon 26-Nov-12 21:33:48

I agree with Journey. My DDs have academic GParents,one a teacher,one a Professor. It was quite normal to talk about science all day long.

Only my neighbours and close family know that one DD really is 'at' Oxford and the other is brilliant in her field (Russel).

I think you just shut up when you realise and hope that you can help them.

bondigidum Mon 26-Nov-12 22:40:30

One of the many reasons I left facebook.

I had a 'friend' on there who just seemed so conpetitive. I'm not sure if she was bragging, genuinely thought her kid was a genius or was just unaware of how much she went on about her 'achievements' and just thought she was sharing them with us all. She was very quick to let everyone know how her DD took her first steps at 10 months (but then she didn't actually walk until 14 months like my DS born two weeks earlier), crawled at like 4 months, was eating a whole banana at 6 months. Oh I lost track. The way a child develops is nothing to do with them being clever or 'advanced', its simply temperament and genetics so this whole 'my kid can say 40 words and he's only 15 months, he must be a genius' is just nonsense. Guaranteed all the other kids their age will have caught up in a year or two and will be on the exact same level.

Einstein, lets not forget, didn't speak until he was four. I do actually believe many true geniuses keep it all stored up there. They know exactly how to do everything, they just don't see a logical need to prove it to people. They're understated shall we say.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Mon 26-Nov-12 23:07:40

I agree with you there bondigidum; a true genius has absolutely nothing to prove! And neither do their parents!

FunBagFreddie Mon 26-Nov-12 23:24:23

Looking back at the the most intelligent people I knew when I was younger one lad stood out. I truly believe he was a genius, but he didn't fit in and ended up with a really bad drugs problem. In fact a majority of the most intelligent people I knew at school became involved in drugs.

I've never fathomed why, maybe they just got bored more easily than I did.

ZebraOwl Tue 27-Nov-12 01:17:48

It genuinely disturbs me just how much some people push their children to try to be able to claim they are Exceptional. Tinies having tutoring & doing a squillion Extras - at which they are all, naturally, brilliant.

Sadly it's not limited to parents - I [have] know[n] vastly too many people who want to be Special. It is mind-numbingly tedious to listen to people bend the truth into the shape that suits them. I'm sure in lots of adults it is down to confidence issues etc, but it is still irksome. Particularly when they start trotting out the excuses as to how it is, despite their brilliance, they do not immediately SEEM remarkable: worst of all is when they explain how it is you might appear to be better than them at something but that is in fact not at all the case. shudders

joanbyers Tue 27-Nov-12 02:06:47

There was one here earlier which made me grin, someone said their child had been measured at the highest IQ in the country (whatever that means). Only thing is the child was 2.5 years old....

ZebraOwl Tue 27-Nov-12 09:19:37

I have just snorted with mirth at that one. Especially because IQ tests are a rather arbitrary measure & - having used my googlefu - apparently the general rec is testing between ages of 5 & 12, testing earlier than that's basically pointless... Plus we don't know what the highest IQ in the country is because only a tiny fraction of the population have had a formal IQ test. BoastingFAIL there, I feel... grin

Baffledandbewildered Tue 27-Nov-12 10:15:01

We always thought our eldest was brighter than the schools said. He is dyslexic and never got any help so the schools said he was lazy. He scraped through his gcse's went on to do alevels in the subjects he liked. He did quite well and got into uni. There he was tested for dyslexia and told he was severley affected. They were amazed he had ever passed any exams without help. They then sent him to sit the mensa test ......he is now a member!!!! In the top tiny percent of the population !!!!!! His dad and i are definatly average and he was never pushed as he just used to dig his heels in. Im amazed and it proves if you are mega clever you just Are its there naturally

Baffledandbewildered Tue 27-Nov-12 10:16:17

Oh he is now finishing his degree and predicted a first !!!! I thought he was more likely to be in jail and times in the past lol

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 10:55:52

Just smile and nod...smile and nod...

There's a Mum just like this at the DD's school...her DD is in DD1's class. I often have to listen to tales of how gifted her DD is, how advanced, how school isn't challenging her, how the 11+ is a forgone conclusion...

And, I can just smile and nod...smile and nod...safe (and smug) in the knowledge that my DD2 (let alone DD1) leaves this girl standing when it comes to maths and reading grin

It stems from insecurity and feelings of inadequacy - just humour them it's the kind thing to do smile

NorhamGardens Tue 27-Nov-12 11:03:36

It springs from anxiety as others have said, our system isn't perfect and people always want the best for their children. I know children with pushy parents who have gained scholarships etc to great schools, they started pushing very young. I don't think they were extraordinary, so sometimes that approach obviously pays off.

So guess I am saying you can't blame them but pretty obnoxious and insensitive when they proclaim children's superiority everywhere. I've never known anyone who is that extreme about boasting though, surely these are rare? It's more the subtle smuggery that grates, and that's probably largely forgivable I think (although annoying). Tune out if it bugs. At least they care.

babydude Tue 27-Nov-12 11:10:41

YY- same here. I listen to people going on about how brilliant their kids are, safe in the knowledge that DS is a genius, and we have a piece of paper to prove it.

ThatDudeSanta Tue 27-Nov-12 11:11:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker Tue 27-Nov-12 11:17:25

When my dd was very little for quite a long time if you asked her a question that had numbers in it she always answered "9"

We had such fun. "What's the square root of 81, Grace?" " Grace, what do you get if you divide 108 by 12?"

gazzalw Tue 27-Nov-12 11:19:17

The brilliance of one's children is the stuff or should I say nightmare that round-robin Christmas letters are full of....

It is a really competitive middle class thing - and we have also found that a lot of parents 'big up' their children's academic achievements.

GossipWitch Tue 27-Nov-12 11:21:38

I remember going for my first ever job interview, and the boss took a look at my gcse grades and said well you have good grades, we could use someone like you in our graphic design department, do you know how to use a computer? I replied with " well I can turn one on", (that was all I could do at that point) and I got the job. However I was only 15 at the time and had very little common sense, the computer's they wanted me to use were apples not microsoft, and needless to say within 3 months I got the sack, due to daft mistakes and mucking up entire order's of labels.
People make assumptions of intelligence based on gcse's and other sit down exams, however never actually see whether they have enough common sense or other skills that would be beneficial to the job/situation in hand, my mum was gloating to everyone how I had gone straight from school into graphic design,and always knew I would do well because I could read before I went to school, (apparently, I cant remember, but my nan backs this up too) then was bitterly disappointed that I got the sack just three months later.

I think people should just let kids be kids and have fun that's what kids are for,
I moved my eldest ds from a boring school which expecting the children to march to assembly and constantly blew whistles at the kids for them to behave,and had a superb ofstead report, and sats results, (he was down right miserable and would try and run back home on the way to school, and the teachers were unforgiving of the fact that he had sn, and he lived a day of time outs regularly), to a more relaxed fun school which take the children on lots of trips and does more fun things with them, it doesn't have great results and the ofstead reports arent superb, but he is so happy. (he would run to school within a week and constantly had a smile on his face) That was the best thing I ever did for my son.

ArtexMonkeyDude Tue 27-Nov-12 11:28:12

Smiles and nods at Laqueen smile

Coralanne Tue 27-Nov-12 11:36:37

When my DD was about 15 months (she could speak whole sentences very clearly) we were waiting at the Dr.

They had small tables and chairs in the surgery.

DD pulled out the chair and said "I think I am going to sit on this yellow chair"

Everyone was amazed that she knew the colour of the chair,

I wasn't going to tell them that whenever you asked her what colour something was, she said.......Yellow....grin

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Tue 27-Nov-12 11:40:49

My 'exceptional' child did everything earlier than his peers - but I didn't think anything of it at the time. I just thought it was normal at the time, as my older DD has SN's and was years late meeting her milestones, so that was my reference point.

I didn't even realise that he HAD met these milestones early until I was called into the school in YR and told how advanced he was. blush

So rather than being all boasty, I was bloody oblivious! I just thought it was normal.

It sounds like I'm boasting now, but he had a higher IQ at 8yo than I have now!

The school EP tested his IQ at 8Yo, and it came out at 132, in the top 2% of the population. I had had no bloody clue that he was that clever.

Now at 10yo, he is working in GCSE level Maths at school, and the same level in science at home. I have to stop his 14yo sister from paying him to do her science homework!

I can't talk about this in RL, it seems far more 'acceptable' to discuss my DD's educational issues caused by her SN's than it is to talk about worries that my DS1 isn't having his needs met at school.

I DO find it unfair that he feels he has to hide his abilities at school, and that I get lambasted if I praise him for getting 100% on a practice lvl 6 SATS paper in earshot of ANYONE else.

I can't even praise him for his achievements in public. I have to wait till we get home or we get snotty looks. Yet if I praise DD for getting a D in a science CA, everyone joins in because if her SN's.

I don't see why it is frowned upon to praise ALL of my DC's achievements, regardless if the level, they still need that praise, whether it is my 14yo DD working on lvl 4 in Maths and doing well on a test, or my DS1 working on lvl 7 in Maths and doing well on a test.

They've both done THEIR best, so why is it frowned upon for me to publicly praise one of my DC's and not the other?

Lilymaid Tue 27-Nov-12 11:43:56

QED

FrankieDude Tue 27-Nov-12 11:44:12

Blimey LeQ, one one hand you're slating this mother and on the other you're making out that your DDs leave the kid standing. Wow. You must be incredibly insecure with feelings of enormous inadequacy. You do indeed sound frightfully smug and condescending.

NorhamGardens Tue 27-Nov-12 11:58:12

Guess the point is LeQ doesn't proclaim the academic superiority of her children in public or to parents in the class rather randomly. It does sound like her children are very bright but she doesn't go around trumpeting it in real life.

Many I meet secretly (or less commonly openly) think their children are very clever academically or special in some other way. I think it's human nature & hard wired. We are all ambitious for our children in one way or another.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Tue 27-Nov-12 12:36:44

I can understand that it may seem like boasting when a parent is proud of what their DC has achieved, but if it is OK to 'boast' about a DC with SN's doing well for them, why is it not ALSO OK to 'boast' about an 'exceptional' DC doing well for them?

Why aren't people happy for ALL DC's achievements?

As my DD says - "Nobody is good at everything, but everybody is good at something, you just have to find what YOU are good at."

I think that is a brilliant philosophy from a DC with SN's, who accepts that Academic subjects aren't her forte, still puts her all into them despite knowing that the best she can achieve in Maths is an E at GCSE, but is content with that because she is predicted an A in Catering. Despite her issues with the written work pulling her grade down from an A*.

She knows that her brother may be amazing at Maths, but she can draw far better than him, and cooks meals a Michelin starred Chef would be proud of. He knows that he will never cook as well as his sister, but he is bloody amazing at Maths.

They know their skills, and are happy to praise each other for THEIR achievements, no matter WHAT the achievement.

Surely every parent is proud of everything ALL their DC's can do, whether it is me being proud of my 9yo DS2 explaining photosynthesis to a classmate when he was non-verbal at 3.5yo, my DD getting a C for a piece of practical work in her Textiles GCSE, my DS3 signing for milk when he is almost non-verbal, or my DS1 getting 100% in a lvl 6 SATS test.

I'm equally proud of all of them, so I want to be publicly proud of ALL their achievements, without people thinking I'm boasting just because DS1's achievements are a little different to the average 10.6yo's. My DD's achievements are a little different to the average 14.7yo's too, just in a different way, and I'm still just as proud of her.

It's actually quite a bugbear of mine, that I can publicly praise DD and DS2 & DS3 for their achievements, because they have SN's, yet because DS1 is ahead of his peers, I'm not able to do the same for him without being told to stop boasting.

Why are his achievements less praiseworthy than my other DC's achievements?

laptopdancer Tue 27-Nov-12 12:37:15

It must be certain schools that go in for this GAT and IQ testing, The school my son goes to doesn't and is actively against it. I think they just have high standards anyway and don't go with the whole principle of superiority, as such. The school also doesn't have awards and such like either.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Tue 27-Nov-12 12:37:52

LaQueen, out of interest do you actually know for certain that your DDs are ahead of the other woman's DD in their academic abilities?

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Tue 27-Nov-12 12:41:49

The school DS1 is at don't usually do IQ tests, but they did on DS1. I assume it was because they wanted a clearer picture of where he was at that age. They are looking to do one again soon, before his transfer to Secondary.

<<Shrug>>

I just wish that the school did as much for their pupils with SEN as they do for those on the G&T register!

Sore point with school not great with SN's...

I am equally proud of all my DC's. I see no reason why DS1 shouldn't get praised when he has done well for him at something just the same as I do with my other 3 DC's. confused

AnyFuckingDude Tue 27-Nov-12 12:46:31

I don't know anyone like this. Seriously, I don't.

I might have come across them very briefly, but that's the extent of my dealing with them. I certainly don't give them any airtime once I have them clocked.

BreconBeBuggered Tue 27-Nov-12 12:54:49

They're thin on the ground here too, but then I live in a world of Ellie-Maes and Kyles rather than Jocastas and Tarquins. Ellie-Mae might not fare so badly but little Kyle could end up getting his head kicked in if word gets round that Mum thinks he's a cut above the rest. Boasting about sporting achievements is entirely acceptable, however.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Tue 27-Nov-12 12:59:06

So WHY is it acceptable to be publicly proud of your 'average' DC, or your 'SN' DC, but not your 'gifted' DC?

Why the difference?

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 13:00:47

Dude no, not being satirical smile

Technically speaking, DD2 is really gifted. But, it's not something I ever talk about at school or IRL, except to DH and my Mum. Instead, I work hard ensuring that DD2 is treated as every other child in her class.

So, I just smile and nod...smile and nod smile

laptopdancer Tue 27-Nov-12 13:04:07

Referring to my mention of the day I spent with ds' class and seeing how just about average the supposed genius child was on the day: I also saw the class have a spot test which was marked then and there and this child did not get the top mark.
I know which one did and it wasn't him. smile

babydude Tue 27-Nov-12 13:04:13

Couthy - I actually agree with you. DS has aspergers. He also scored in the 99th centile on the BAS II. People are happy to talk about his SN, but I can never talk about the giftedness.

Weird isn't it. Everyone is vair happy to hear that your child is somehow lesser than theirs, but never the other way around.

ArtexMonkeyDude Tue 27-Nov-12 13:09:54

I'll tell you the difference between bragging and being proud Couthy, whether your child is average, gifted, whatever.

When people are proud, they just share their news in context, and ask about other people. They don't sound insecure.

When people are boasting they, err, just boast. About themselves, their dcs or whatever. Often there's an insensitive or spiteful putdown aspect to what they're saying, eg the poster above whose friend told her she hoped she'd 'have a thick one' when she was pg, or talking about your child in relation to them leaving others standing, or whatever. People who boast (as opposed to just being proud) tend to wang on a lot about themselves in relation to other people who are supposedly jealous of them or worse off than them or whatever. It's the constant comparison with others that makes them sound insecure.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 13:10:16

Agree Couthy - very high ability in children can be a double edge sword, in my experience sad

TunipTheVegedude Tue 27-Nov-12 13:19:40

I agree Artex. Being happy about your own child's achievements is normal and nice, but when people start gloating about them being better than other kids it leaves a very nasty taste.

OxandAssinine Tue 27-Nov-12 13:24:07

It is socially suicidal to share that you have extra bright children, or well behaved teens.

If you want friends, tell them how fantastic their dcs are, and stick to moaning about yours.

exoticfruits Tue 27-Nov-12 13:25:18

The only response is smile and nod, do it a lot. If pushed for any definite response stick to a very vague, 'they are all different' and change the subject.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 13:29:37

Agree exotic. Smile and nod...and perfect the art of being non-commital, when pushed for any definite response.

Had very nasty/upsetting experience a few years back, when the school (in their widsom), decided to move DD2 up a year. It didn't end well - and it took her a long time to re-build bridges with her friends.

Never, ever again sad

blanksquit Tue 27-Nov-12 13:42:14

I think sometimes other parents can be a bit resentful of the high achievers. In our school they are chosen more frequently for parts in plays, readings etc. And they more often win prizes. They also get extra lessons, some of which are after school which makes them very visible to parents. So it seems like the same five or six are given advantages the others don't have.

My friend who has a very bright dd is very quiet about her dd's achievements. People try to draw information out, by asking how she got on in a test etc. My friend will say she doesn't know. Because often they aren't asking because they're pleased for her dd, they want to know where their dc sits in comparison and the information gets passed on to others in a resentful kind of way.

It's sad really. But I think the less information other parents have, the less gossip there's likely to be.

I'd agree about the double edged sword. My friend's dd is very bright but also extremely over sensitive and struggles a lot emotionally.

exoticfruits Tue 27-Nov-12 13:48:47

That is the reason for smiling and nodding, blanksquit, - something to be done at all times whether your DC is a genius, above average, average or below average. Much the best policy.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 14:04:56

"My friend who has a very bright dd is very quiet about her dd's achievements. People try to draw information out, by asking how she got on in a test etc. My friend will say she doesn't know. Because often they aren't asking because they're pleased for her dd, they want to know where their dc sits in comparison and the information gets passed on to others in a resentful kind of way."

Yes ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ this, this, this...this happens with regards to DD2, and I hate it.

I hate that DD2 has learned (the hard way) to never run out of school saying excitedly 'Look what I did at school today, Mummy'.

I hate that when other children/parents are chatting about school stuff e.g. tests, books they're reading, what homework was given out...that DD2's face goes carefully blank, but her eyes look anxious. I hate that.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 14:08:42

And, sorry for sounding arsey/scathing about other parents upthread...but have just had to deal with some crap, thanks to the sort of parent the OP was describing.

I don't care about me, I'm 42 and can smile and nod. But I hate the effect it has on DD2 and the position it puts her in sad

ArtexMonkeyDude Tue 27-Nov-12 14:23:52

Oh, it's just you said you were smug, that's all. Not many sad faces in your original post, that's for sure, unless you accidentally put grin instead. It happens to the best of us I'm sure smile

LisaMed Tue 27-Nov-12 14:26:07

One of the boastful mums came very close to literally frothing when they found out that ds had more advanced homework. I didn't know and was mortified when she went off on one demanding why her dc hadn't got the same. Poor kid is facing a childhood of tutors.

I keep v quiet.

On the other hand, as far as the teachers have said, ds is doing really well academically. I think I will start worrying a bit later, he isn't even six. Last parents evening we got a list of all the wonderful things he does at school. I tried not to think of how much I had left him in front of the tv or the amount of time I let him have on the computer and assured the teacher that we were not pushy parents, and we did not try and push him a lot at home. I said I wanted him to feel relaxed at this age, we didn't try and force him to do anything extra.

The next morning ds insisted on taking in his dad's copy of 'how the universe works' by Brian Cox - as his book! I don't know about his IQ but I'm impressed by his sense of timing.

Kalisi Tue 27-Nov-12 14:36:42

I see where you are coming from laqueen It isn't fair when some parents (and children) have to keep quiet about a genuine proud moment of high achievement for fear of looking boastful. There is unfortunately an attitude amongst some groups of children where they are actually embarrassed to excel for fear of being teased. This is very sad.

As someone mentioned earlier though, personally the only parents that bug me are the ones who mention these achievements out of context or in a comparitive or competitive way. I genuinely enjoy hearing how well others dcs are doing but I always find that the parents who 'protest too much' so to speak tend to have the most unremarkable children hmm I think it is down to insecurity.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Tue 27-Nov-12 14:39:40

Where are all these parents that are resentful of children that do well? One of my DCs is gifted and talented in maths and literacy. I don't boast and brag to anyone, in fact as many of you with gifted children have already said, I keep her achievements to myself and am vague with others that ask. Mainly because I just don't feel the need to brag and I don't 'do' comparing childrens' achievements. However, it does seem to be known by her peers and some of their parents that she is gifted. I think in some ways a gifted child does stand out as they are often very mature and appear years older than they are by the way they speak and their attitude. But I can honestly say I've never come across another parent or child that is disparaging or resentful of her abilities. Or are they all doing it behind my back? wink

DD is very proud of her abilities too and would certainly never get stressed or anxious about the levels she works at if others talk about being on lower levels of work. She is very self-contained and confident though, and she doesn't really care particularly about what others think.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 14:41:25

Artex no, for those few seconds, listening to a Mum go on about their DC's genius I am smug, because they're incredibly annoying, and I hate their hidden agenda, and the position it puts me and more importantly DD2, in.

But, then I see how DD2's face goes carefully blank, and how she always answers with a wary 'I don't know' or 'I'm not sure' when the talk turns to school stuff, and I'm not smug.

I'm so sad for her, and incredibly fiercely protective of her, and just desperately want her to be treated like everyone else.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Tue 27-Nov-12 14:43:23

Why does she feel unable to be proud of her achievements though LaQueen? I don't mean this in a horrible way but is it a school with lots of unkind children in it? My DD is very proud of her achievements. And despite being very gifted she gets treated just like every other child at school. She is very popular, and there is no sign of anyone resenting her for her abilities, quite the opposite really.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 14:48:38

Mangel she is proud, and we do praise her. But at home. She has learned the hard way, that standing out academically can actually result in being quite lonely at school.

We got our fingers badly burned a few years back when the school moved her up a year. It wasn't a good experience and it did quite a lot of damage to her socially.

She's quite confident, and with a nice little group of friends - but she is very wary of talking about school stuff, because of what happened to her.

ThatDudeSanta Tue 27-Nov-12 14:50:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kalisi Tue 27-Nov-12 14:51:25

I think it depends on the school mrsmangel I for one remember having to keep quiet at my school if I knew the correct answer for fear of being picked on.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Tue 27-Nov-12 14:51:50

My DD's experience has been the total opposite LaQueen. It's a shame your DD has had negative experiences at school and doesn't feel able to truly be herself there for fear of what might happen. That was why I asked what the other children were like. But then as you say some of the parents have given you rubbish recently about it then it's no surprise that their children are the same really.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Tue 27-Nov-12 14:53:58

See, Kalisi, I'm not sure if my DD has never had any problems about being gifted because she is an uber-confident child and probably does give off a confident air of "don't mess with me" so the other children don't mess with her. She's quite witty and can easily come up with a very quick, effective put down if someone says something unpleasant to her. I know, because I hear her using those put downs with my other DCs if they try to mess with her!

I'm thinking perhaps a more quiet, introverted, self conscious child would get more of a hard time at school if they were gifted.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 14:58:57

Mangel things might be different now, and maybe we were just really unlucky? But, it took a long time for DD2 to build her bridges, and I just really don't want to risk being on that path again, so we just smile and nod. Much easier that way smile

VinoEsmeralda Tue 27-Nov-12 15:02:26

We have a mother at school who asked me and a friend over coffee for advice on her dilemma. She is convinced he son is Eaton material but should they go that route? Her DS was 5 at the time. I had to kick other friend under the table as her jaw was about to drop off.

I told her to do what was best for her child and family but to think hard about it, especially social background etc... Also said in same conversation that we thought our DS was a bit thick ( we really thought that) which made her face all light up but said the opposite.

All v funny, as it turned out our DS had us fooled and is on the G&T register plus is bilingual, her son isn't. Gone a bit quiet since....

Kalisi Tue 27-Nov-12 15:11:18

See that is my point mangel, I find it quite sad that in some schools, a child needs to be loud, extroverted and self confident to be comfortable in their achievments.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 15:17:08

Kal my DD2 is confident. But, even though she was only 6 she was proud/embarassed, and so didn't want to tell anyone (not even me) that the other children were ignoring/not playing with her.

She kept this hidden for weeks because she felt ashamed/embarassed, and because she was worried that by asking to return to her old class her teachers would feel she'd let them down.

When she finally broke, and told me what had been happening I felt so sad sad Even though she was very bright, emotionally she was still just a very little girl and was caught in quite a confused tangle of emotions, which took a lot of unravelling.

JollyJock Tue 27-Nov-12 15:18:00

My DS is clearly a genius. I am amazed by his abilities every day. But I don't tell people other than my mother and DH. I especially don't talk about developmental progress with people who have children because I don't want children to be compared.

Someone I speak to at work occasionally ALWAYS asks about DS's vocabulary. He has a child the same age. I'm not going to say 'DS had over 50 words by 13mo' as I know his child had about 3 words at that stage. She may since have overtaken DS, but I don't have any desire to compare the two.

It's never going to go well if you try to compare stages of children. Either you will feel bad that your dc seems to be ahead or concerned that your dc seems to be behind.

I just want my DS to have fun and do his best.

Inconceivable Tue 27-Nov-12 15:20:41

There is a very intelligent child in my daughter's class and everyone knows. It gets discussed sometimes but very much in a matter of fact way. Just like the achievements of any other child. She is very well-liked in her class and it is never an issue. She has very nice parents too, that sometimes discuss her schoolwork but never in a smug way. Nobody has an issue with it. I am wondering whether it is the school, the child, the parents of the child or the other parents if there is an issue?

seeker Tue 27-Nov-12 15:23:41

I am constantly amazed that any

Kalisi Tue 27-Nov-12 15:26:17

Your poor dd laqueen that must have been very distressing for her. I understand the situation only from the memory of how things operated with the gifted children in my school ( my own ds is too young for his own genius to be noted wink ) so my experience may be dated.
I did not word that last comment correctly. I was responding to the implication that it is the childs personality that is responsible for how they are treated whereas I honestly feel that in some areas intelligence is not encouraged.

seeker Tue 27-Nov-12 15:26:26

I am constantly amazed that anyone ever thinks that putting a child up a year could be anything but an unmitigated disaster.......

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Tue 27-Nov-12 15:35:59

I wasn't saying that wasn't the case Kalisi, I was just saying that the reasons I stated might be why my DD has never been given a hard time about her abilities. And I do think that a child a very very confident child regardless of ability has less chance of being picked on than a more quiet, anxious child. And then, as I've said before on this thread, it all depends on the children that are in the year group with that child. It is sometimes possible to have a class/year with lots of strong dominant characters in it that gang up on any child that they perceive to be different, sometimes out of jealousy.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Tue 27-Nov-12 15:37:28

I agree, Seeker

I have a friend like this who I love very much. I have smiled and nodded for 14 years.

I think that the only person you should boast freely to about your genius child is their grandmother. The grans can then outdo each other to their hearts content.

FriendlyLadybird Tue 27-Nov-12 15:59:10

Apparently it never stops. My mother has had to sit through several very dull parties during which everyone goes on about how brilliant their children AND GRANDCHILDREN are. It takes ages to go through everyone's fantastic achievements.

Luckily none of us is brilliant. But we're all awfully good looking wink.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 16:05:41

I know we've talked about this before seeker and I 100% agree with you, as you know.

The following year I insisted that DD2 be returned to her class, and to receive all her lessons within that class, regardless.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 16:08:39

Kal it was a very difficult time for her (and me). She's quite an intense little girl, with very strong (but often concealed emotions).

I'm really proud of how she's built bridges with her friends, and I'm always, always anxious that something will happen to spoil her efforts.

AnyFuckingDude Tue 27-Nov-12 16:37:17

I am exceptionally lucky that both my dc are stupid and incredibly ugly

PropertyNightmare Tue 27-Nov-12 17:01:31

grin

Mrsjay Tue 27-Nov-12 17:05:23

I remember you saying before about your daughter and being put up a class laqueen it was heartbreaking and glad you got it sorted,

Bosgrove Tue 27-Nov-12 17:07:06

One of my friends is like that about her Grandson, he is the best at everything, he was going to crawl early (he didn't), walk early (he didn't), talk early (he didn't) and is socially above his peers (he isn't). We just smile and nod.

My DM saw him for the first time recently and commented afterwards that she was suprised how average he was, lovely child but just average, after everything she has heard my friend say over the last 2 years I think that she was expecting a child superstar.

I thing that all parents and grandparents think that their children and grandchildren are the best, of course they are all wrong....my three DC are the best, all have their faults, but are all wonderful in their own ways.

Mrsjay Tue 27-Nov-12 17:11:55

My mum and another 'gran' have been having granddaughter wars for at least 15 yrs <rolls eyes>
my mum Oh she is in this class in the top group other granny oh well she is doing these exams
, oh well she passed all her exams with As n Bs. well she got all As and is going to be a lawyer ,
I just let them get on with it. the other granny tisked and smirrked when DD didnt go to a good uni
my mum said nothing when her grandchild dropped of her law degree except oh thats a shame . I always cringed when my mum said oh i men Xs granny today

Mrsjay Tue 27-Nov-12 17:12:27

met*

catkind Tue 27-Nov-12 18:24:52

It's easy to think your 3 yr old is some kind of super-genius. In my experience they ALL talk lots more when they're alone with their parents. So if you compare what you know your child can do with what you hear other people's children doing in a social setting, your child looks amazing. Plus as a parent you're attuned to the idiosyncrasies of their speech so it sounds clearer than it does to other people and you pick up things they say that might pass as babble to others. I wouldn't doubt things other people say their toddlers say. Stuff with long words they're often copying an adult rather than understanding completely. They can sound very sophisticated. They get interested in things and absorb information so they can talk like an adult about their specialist subject. Some of them get interested in numbers or reading or music and that's impressive too.
It's not so super-genius of the parent to assume her child is special, and certainly not super-genius to go around boasting about it before the PhD is in the bag.

exoticfruits Tue 27-Nov-12 19:23:16

I have known it work going up a class, but on both occasions they were September/early October birthdays, so emotionally in line with the class above. It is rather a shame that the Aug 31st is such a cut off date-my Aug born DS would have been much better off the year behind.
I find that the truly gifted have lovely, unassuming parents-the ones who boast a lot are the ones who want to have gifted DCs-a very different thing!
That type of parent is at their worst as babies and it generally carries on all through infants and tails off at 7yrs when they are forced to accept reality i.e. the parent who has been nodding and smiling for years actually has a DC who is more advanced!!

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 20:17:51

True exotic just because a child can tackle the maths aimed at older children, it doesn't mean they are emotionally capable of dealing with that scenario.

I didn't want a very gifted child, I don't think many parents of very gifted children do - they know what a double edged sword it is. I'd much rather have had a normally clever child, who had a nice, smooth path through school, to be honest.

seeker Tue 27-Nov-12 22:15:31

'm sorry, LaQueen- my post was an expression of general frustration and irritation- it wasn't targeted at you. I am currently dealing with a parent who is convinced her child isntoo clever for reception and should be moved up- I am finding it competely impossible to explain the social issues. All she says ia "but x prefers older children" Older children, on the other hand, do not prefer her........

blanksquit Wed 28-Nov-12 11:15:06

I think it's a tricky one really because if you are put up a class, or frequently seperated to do lessons with older dc or adults, my own personal experience was that I didn't feel I fitted in anywhere socially.

LaQueen Wed 28-Nov-12 13:38:27

That's okay seeker I knew it wasn't personally meant for me.

I think it's a lazy teacher who just shunts a clever child up into a higher class.

And, I think you're very wise to try and keep this child in Reception. It doesn't matter how advanced they are intellectually - because emotionally they are still very little children.

Initially, DD2 felt very proud and excited 'to be doing work with the big boys and girls'. But 8/9 year old children (especially boys I found) didn't like having a wee 6 year old little girl trounce them in a maths test, or to be reading harder books.

Not that DD2 was remotely arrogant - she was actually totally in awe of the big boys and girls, and wouldn't have dreamed of saying boo to a goose in the classroom.

LittleBoxes Thu 29-Nov-12 13:59:52

I learnt the hard way never to mention dd's achievements. When she was in Reception (state school), I mentioned quietly, in a 'proud' sort of way rather than a 'boasting' sort of way, to a friend that dd had been put on the G&T register. The friend looked instantly wounded, and said how unfair it was that dd was getting G&T provision but there didn't seem to be any for her ds at his (not state) school. A few weeks later I discovered this friend had phoned DD's school and spoken to the G&T coordinator to ask what extra provision my dd was getting (naming me and her), then used this as ballast for a meeting with the head teacher at her ds's school to demand that her ds got extra work too. Since then, she constantly talks about how clever and talented her ds is, and has had him sit entrance exams for two other (more prestigious) private schools.

Worse still, dd is now not on the G&T register - they decided to take her off it, feeling that the reception teacher was a little overzealous and only did it because dd was an early reader. That's fine with me, but it's annoying that it sent this friend into a frenzy of competitiveness, making things really awkward, when all I wanted to do was modestly share a tiny bit of good news!

I keep my mouth shut now - lesson learnt.

School did that to me in P5, was moved up to P6.

It was a disaster. I vividly remember being taken into an older relatives class to answer a maths question in order to embarrass them that this tiny girl knew the answers and they didn't. That ended well sad

As a result I was always a year younger than everyone else. This eventually resulted in me refusing to take my uni place at Edinburgh because I was only just 16, shit scared of such a grown up place and was still far too young emotionally to leave my comfort zone.

Don't do it, mothers of MN, there's more to life than G&T, there's having a life, for a start wink

(I caught up with higher education eventually but it could have been so much easier)

Whocansay Thu 29-Nov-12 14:45:33

Don't we all do a bit of this occasionally? I remember when my eldest was nearly 2, we were on a long drive and he was having lunch in the car. He was eating a sandwich, but wanted his banana. Dh kept saying "not until you've finished your sandwich". So he dropped it down the side of his seat, and said "all gone!", clearly thinking he'd fooled us. I laughed (probably not an advised parenting strategy!) and was very proud of his clear problem solving abilities. It must be proof of genius? Or maybe not!

Miggsie Thu 29-Nov-12 15:16:13

I think we have been lucky - DD has jumped a year and it has been fantastic for her, she loves it and is still friends with her old class as well as the new one.

When the school suggested it I said no - for the LaQueen reasons, it was DD who said she'd give it a go.
She's enjoying herself enormously, really gets down to the work, her teachers are positive and her new class are quite chuffed she is there because they have now got the "talented" one.
That said, the school is very odd in how it runs - the ethos is to support everyone in all their abilities and to feel glad if one person suceeds as that means the whole class and school suceeds. When there is an inter-school team or competition those not in the team are encouraged to write slogans or songs or do posters to support them, and share and enjoy sucess of others- whether in sport, music or academic stuff.

Sadly the odd competitive parent turns up with their "exceptional" yet "misunderstood" child. You just smile and nod, and generally they move their child on about a year later.

I spent the first few years of motherhood convinced DD was lacking as I had a friend who was convinced her child was a genius and who talked about it with such authority that in my naiivete I thought she was right - that her child was a genius and therefore DD was behind. However, later devlopment is a great leveller and 6 years down the line I can view my DD's abilities realistically compared to her peers.

It is sad if someone twists every situation their child is in to point out their "genius" - even when at playgroup. I've learned to look politely interested and not pursue it.

OP your friend sounds just like my sister! My sister was convinced of her daughters superiority to the point she did her own thread on am I being unreasonable - she was then brutally brought back down to earth smile
She now constantly boosts that her dd is doing so well at 'school' despite the fact her child is 3 and at nursery school slight difference! However I should add my 2 dc's are the real genius' gringrin kidding my ds is far too busy planning world domination and the return of Darth Vader to be a genius and my dd has a bike to ride and friends to see!!

MrsMelons Thu 29-Nov-12 20:22:25

People can be really nasty about children who are above average. I have one fairly average DS2 (YR so guessing he is average) and one who is well above average. I end up being extra careful about DS1 and never say even parents evening was good on FB like everyone else. Its sad that I feel that I need to do that but I guess it is likely that most people who behave like your friend do not actually have gifted children and feel the need to convince everyone that they do.

It was fairly obvious to friends that DS1 was different and as they were my true friends they often pointed stuff out to me about him and were always very kind about it. One friend started to get a bit competitive and made up a few things about her DD but I just don't discuss stuff with her about levels etc. I think if a child is ahead it is generally obvious as they articulate things differently to the average 2 or 3 year old.

We had quite a laugh when one mum put on FB that she 'was really cross that she had her term time holiday 'unauthorised' when her DD was 3 terms ahead in every subject'. I mean why would you put that - on FB so everyone can see!

DS was put up a year last year but in a really small school so it wasn't like completely moving away from his peers. Its just an infant school so he is still in the same class this year. His junior school offered for him to go into Y3 but it is a really small junior school so I don't really think it is the right thing to do as he should be with his peers and they are small enough to differenciate for all 18 children! I am against moving them away from children their own age.

Anna1976 Thu 29-Nov-12 21:04:38

It's important to remember that particular skill sets only work for particular bits of life. Being a genius isn't useful if you can't cross the road and can't relate effectively to those around you, as has been said upthread. Ivory towers these days do not cater for the socially inept, academia is far too overstretched, so it is exceptionally competitive and requires a level of schmoozing and social manipulation that would make Sir Humphrey Appleby look like Rain Man.

I went through school as the socially-unaware aspie genius (with mother alternately trying to have me put up a year or viciously teling me it was because I was a spaz and a social failure that the school didn't put me up a year), hated by all the normal kids and their resentful mothers. I had very few social skills, had no idea how I came across, pissed people off all the time... and while I flew fairly high academically for a while as an adult, I came crashing down due to severe depression and burnout, and aged 36 am now having to start again socially, and am unemployed. Many of the socially inept genius types I met in academia are in a similar position. The socially-aware empathetic geniuses are the ones with successful careers.

The probably equally bright kids I knew in primary school, whose parents emphasized social skills, resilience and hard work, are now fully-functioning happy adults with careers and families. I have neither.

higgyjig Thu 29-Nov-12 22:19:20

lol LaQueen boasting at full force about her average kids under the guise of "poor her being so advanced sad"

higgyjig Thu 29-Nov-12 22:20:02

I've noticed LaQueen boasting about other things (wealth etc) as well though, so it's to be expected.

exoticfruits Thu 29-Nov-12 22:24:40

I find that LaQueen tells things as they are- not everyone is happy with that approach. grin

thebody Thu 29-Nov-12 22:32:13

Well my kids are fantastic.. They never got top marks at school as why would you bother to be the biggest creep in the class..

However when dd 12 was badly injured in feb her older bro had his 21st birthday party cancelled as we dealt with her injuries and the attention of the media

Her even older brother travelled home to be there for his sister and us and dealt with calls from relations, friends and supported us all.

We never had 'work in the wall' but we got the jackpot with our babies.

thebody Thu 29-Nov-12 23:32:30

Anna, hope you are ok, that was a bloody sad post. Hugs to you.

Anna1976 Fri 30-Nov-12 00:05:18

thanks thebody. Apart from spending way too much time on Mumsnet as a proxy for having a family, things are ok. I do need to sort out what to do with my life though.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 30-Nov-12 10:56:45

Higgy, are you not familiar with the MN stealth boasting wink

mam29 Fri 30-Nov-12 11:04:25

Warning to op gets worse when they start school.

fb is amazing as every end of year or parents evening everyone says how amzing it went yet statistically i doubt all 45kids in the year are doing exceptionally well.

Dds old school has split classes based on age however thi year chose to move 2up as they were high academic ability into a mixed 2/3class.

But dds class pure year 2 nightmare.

least 2pushy mums going on about what genuises their kids were.

1 was freind she appeared quite normal in reception slight precious maybe she only has 1.

But since year 1 its been competition of what reading levels mine and hers is on.

Hows her daughter is doing amazing tactful hen I tell her mines strugglingsad

Her dd teases mine. I think her dds ok shes july so guess doing quite well but socially/emotionally shes inept she spent nost of gym class crying last month as she doesnt like bei8ng upside down.
She argues ith my dd and her younger siblings always whing, crying.throwing tantrums, her parents keep telling her shes special and gifted yet when we left she was only 1reading level above mine.

Her dd on top table mine was bottom.
they got equal scores in phonics test-they had diffrent teachers last year.
her dd got some 2cs and 1as end of year one mine got all 1bs.
she now claims last week that year 2teacher thinks shes a year ahead and at 2b already im unsure if to belive her.

Her dd not as strong at art and shes hopeless at sport so her mum always moans competative sports are unfair .

But have noticed kids at some schools unless its academic sucess dont get recognised at other things they good at.
Seems really sad hence why moved mine.

I dont miss the competition.

part of me hopes that freind will see sense and realise what an arse shes being . I think last years teacher humoured her shes always moaning her dd held back, not being stretched and last year had conversation on suitible reading for her child. her childs ot officailly on the gifted and talented register.

I think junior will see her realise maybe that shes just average.

My dd has potential but needs to ork at it.
shes not gifted but she has no special learning needs
think most kids are like that.

I think as average child and well behaved she was overlooked.

my middle dd is very diffrerent shes only 3 and forcast her possibly doing better but who knows.

Then my youngests not talking ad trying not to stress.
they all so diffrent and sometimes things click later.

I think the fixation of selective schools means a parent does not want a average child so maybe play up the clever bit like a trophy.

LaQueen Fri 30-Nov-12 14:38:52

higgyjig and you are...?

LaQueen Fri 30-Nov-12 14:40:53

Mangel Oh, I'll happily boast from time to time...but, not about what happened to DD2 sad

ArseyKwa Sat 01-Dec-12 10:34:47

Like KatieScarlett, I was moved up in P4 to P5. Can't say it caused me any problems whatsoever in Primary School, but I did end up in private High school because the local secondary wanted me to repeat P7. My last year at school wasn't great as I was made Head Girl, which didn't go down well with the others being older. Went to Uni in England at 16. Still no problem really.

But I wish I'd had a year more at home now looking back, and I'm really reluctant to let them same thing happen to my kids. Luckily they are at a fairly small, but not tiny, school, and all through they're in classes with some kids the year above (not in Y2 or Y6 though) and they are up with the top kids but not in sore thumb territory as the oldest was at pre-school in a 10 pupil intake school.

I try not to get drawn into commenting on reading ability, etc, but it's not always easy. My poor husband has had to put up with several weeks of lectures, from his boss with a same-aged child, on the evils of grammar schools and the transport problems etc etc as a consequence of my oldest getting into grammar school. That situation is not going to get easier, I think!

Primrose123 Sat 01-Dec-12 11:30:01

I have a very nice neighbour who tells me all about her granddaughter. I know she's a very proud granny, but it is way over the top. Her DD thinks that the little girl will have to go to private school at the age of 11 because she's so advanced. She's not 2 yet.

I know another parent who sends the most dreadful round robin letters at Christmas about how brilliantly her children are doing at school and are a year ahead, how good they are at music, etc.

We met last summer by accident and had a chat. Both her sons are now struggling at school, were not moved up, but will probably have to move down a year (they're not in the UK). She is convinced that they are both brilliant but dyslexic, however, the school does not agree. She is trying to get them diagnosed as dyslexic. I feel sorry for the kids, as they are nice boys, and she is a very pushy mother with some odd ideas.

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