Regarding contact(253 Posts)
Regarding DDs twunt of a father
He has put no effort in with DD and just likes to scream at me.
As I refused to drive DD around the country today he hasn't seen her but he says he isn't missing anything. I'm just a bitch but his maintainence wouldn't even get me to and from what her wants!
He wants her all weekend next weekend . Am I being unreasonable to say no?
DD doesn't know him, yet he says she doesn't know me.
He's never changed a nappy and he isn't very good with her and to be frank I don't trust him.
I'm so upset on Dd's behalf. She doesn't deserve this and he doesn't realise you don't get these days back.
His time off is precious apparently, he wants it to himself sometimes. I don't ever get time off but apparently this is what I wanted.
AIBU to be sad for DD?
AIBU to stop him seeing DD until he steps up?
AIBU for being so angry
How old is DD?
You would be unreasonable to stop your DD from seeing him full stop based on your own anger, however you would not be unreasonable to refuse to transport her to facilitate him.
make her available for him to collect and drop off, he cannot claim you have stopped him seeing her then. If he wants her overnight but you are not not keen then let him take the issue to court, thus proving to you and more importantly your DD that he really does want to be there for her and will make the neccessary effort.
YANBU. It's up to him to pick up and drop off during his contact time.
Is she very little? I would be concerned myself. Have you taken legal advice?
Dd is ten weeks. He is two and a half hours away. I've been driving around the country since she was three days old. To accommodate him.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I want to stop but I am scared.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
YANBU. Refuse contact. Let him take you to court (I doubt he will) and if he does specify you want his contact supervised.
He is using her to control you. He is emotionally abusive by the sounds of it, saying she doesnt know you is not only ridiculous but very hurtful.
I do not say all this lightly but I have seen some of your other threads, and I dont like the sound of this guy at all.
Stewie-it is exactly as wannabe says
He threw me out when I found out I was 22 weeks pregnant, spent til last week shagging someone I hate, decided he wanted me back and he would give me another chance. I said no. He has now gone back nasty in a nutshell.
I've had severe depression, PND and lots of therapy.
It's just finished And I'm going backwards and now this
Oh she's still very tiny. Is it possible he's just trying to mess with you, rather than see the baby? He has hardly seen her but has decided he wants her overnight. I agree with StewieGriffinsMom. If he wants to be her father he will do what he can to see her and be a parent, not fanny about making you travel all over the place.
Ok I'm a slow typer! Of course she knows you are her mum. Have you made a note of the times you have travelled so he can see her? He clearly does not have her best interests at heart. Don't let him push you backwards after you've done so well.
Stop driving your DD around the country to see him.
If he wants to see her he comes and see's her when and where it's convenient for you.
She is so tiny I would not let her out of my sight.
He is paying maintenance for her?
Ops sorry, you said he does pay some money. Is this through Csa?? If not I would go through them. Best thing I ever did with my XP.
He pays me thirty. The csa were involved but I dropped it as he went so beserk so he gives me thirty a week.
I stupidly haven't written down where ive been
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thank you. That's what I think too but I need to be a bit stronger and get some MN reassurance
No advice from here just virtual hugs, support tea and biscuits! I've read some of your other threads too and you sound like you're being incredibly strong.
Agree with Stewie
Log everything on a calendar.
Go to Csa. I put up with accepting £30 for about 8 years then he pushed me too far one day and I phoned Csa....if I'd gone to them 8 years ago when he had no other dc's or lived with someone with 4 dc's I couldn't got £70-80 a week....I struggled all those years as I wanted to be a nice decent person when infact my DS was missing out on money he should've had
She is tiny. At that age you should not be driving her around.
If he wants contact he can drive to a contact centre or similar near you - or maybe you have a local friend who could supervise access for you and him. She is far far too tiny for a whole weekend - once he has looked after her for a few hours on his own in a contact centre or with a frien supervising then maybe some unsupervised access ok - but would doubt overnight acceptable for a while.
You sound like a great mum pickles. Honestly, focus on you and your beautiful baby and try to put him out of your head. You are so brave coping with the PND and a baby on your own. Dont ever let him undermine you. All she wants and needs is her mummy.
Get legal advice. And go to the CSA. And say no to next weekend. If he wants to go to court he can, I've read enough advice on here to know no court will order more than short contact visits with a baby this wee.
Does he have parental rights?
Stay strong. Can you go back to the GP to continue/restart your counselling? You will need some RL support. ((hugs))
I post here a lot as now my counselling has finished its hard.
I think I'm a nice person I try to keep everyone happy.
I feel like such a cow.
I'd love to go back to my counselling as I feel very weak again and I feel sad all the time.
I need a cry but it doesn't come out anymore. Why I deserve this I don't know. It's horrific. How can I deep down love him. .i don't want to see him again but I do of that makes sense.
I hate myself actually I don't feel complete I don't have a life plan. I struggle each day and god knows what will happen when my maternity is up.
I have not much money and what I do I have I buy dd things, like he never sees her in the same outfit twice like its a statement.
Oh god my brave face is tumbling down again.
How can I keep letting this happen.
Lovely EVERYONE with a ten week old struggles. It sounds like you are getting out of the house more than I managed when DD was ten weeks old! Although it's not the best idea to be driving a tiny around, I do understand why you are doing it.
The only people you have to worry about keeping happy is you and your DD. Let the rest of them worry about keeping themselves happy.
As for the ex - if he wants to see DD he will make the effort to come to you. If he doesn't then you know he isn't bothered. NOTHING would keep me away from my DD, I'd walk if I had to, and I'm sure you would do the same. If he won't then he doesn't deserve her. You already know he doesn't deserve you. You and DD both deserve so much more than he is willing to give.
She's only ten weeks old - you are doing this on your own, and you ARE managing, you should be so proud of yourself. Your DD will be proud of you.
I grew up knowing my Dad, but I have no memory of him living with us. And I'm glad I don't. My Dad isn't the greatest, track record of putting other things ahead of us, but he's ok. My Mum, though, is THE most amazing person I have ever met. She brought my brother and I up singlehandedly, with very little money and all I remember is a fantastic childhood with a woman who put us first. That's what your DD will have. I don't believe children need two parents, I didn't, I just needed my Mum - and we are so close.
And, this woman who I respect, admire and love so much? She had PND - but I don't remember that - and your DD won't either.
Big un-Mumsnetty hugs for you. You're doing brilliantly, even if you can't see it. And tell that man there is no way you are running around after his ass any more. If he wants to see DD he can drag HIS ass to you.
I've read your previous threads pickles. My lo is eleven weeks. I have left her with dp whilst I shower and thats it.
I wouldn't leave her with anyone so little and certainly not your ex after all what's gone on. I would tell him he is welcome to visit you, at a time that suits you, with a third party present.
If or when he proves he can be trusted and when lo is bigger then revisit the idea of contact. Truth be told after reading your previous threads I'd tell him to take you court.
And you tell this sorry excuse for a man....
Your DD knows you better than she will ever know anyone. She's the only person who knows what your heart sounds like from the inside - and it was the first sound she ever heard, long before she was born. Your smell was the first smell she knew, your warmth was the first she felt. She knew you before she knew anything. And she will know you forever.
You are her MUM.
Your all so very kind.
My head is warped I think
Oh and pickles. My DP is the most attentive and supportive man who idolises both me and our daughter and I'm still struggling with being a first time mum so don't you dare discredit yourself. You are doing an amazing job.
You shouldn't be travelling around the country to accommodate the whims of a man who isn't even willing to provide enough money for his child. He sounds like a tool.
We are all here for you Pickles
You haven't let anything happen and this is not your fault. Try not to let him get you down.
Aren't you breast feeding Pickles? I seem to remember you were - sorry if I'm making it up in my head!
But if I am remembering rightly then there is no WAY he can have her overnight, and at 10 weeks for more than two hours unsupervised - assuming she has a feeding pattern which she may not, and only that once she is used to him and you are 100% convinced he will give her the care she needs.
But, from what I remember of his comments re feeding - I'd be making him come to my house or a contact centre and watching him like a bloody hawk. He sounds like a complete self centred ass hole, and I wouldn't be letting him any closer than I had to for a very long time.
I had to stop bf due to the mental health team having to change my tablets as I was quite ill
No sad faces please - you tried and you actually managed it - you should be proud of that. It wasn't your fault you had to stop - it was to help you, which in turn helps DD. Please never beat yourself up over it. She got the good stuff at the most important point.
I tried, milk didn't come in, even expressing every hour I never got more than an ounce. I would have loved to do it, but I couldn't - even the breast feeding adviser (woman who comes in your house and squashes your boobs into all manner of shapes) told me that I was flogging a dead horse! Whilst I wish it had been different I don't blame myself. Because I tried. As did you.
Thank you. Now i can't sleep, he is even there when I sleep. I'm slipping under again
I'm up with a 1 week old who'll only sleep on someone, Pickles, you're not alone.
A fed baby is a healthy baby, doesn't matter if it's breast milk or formula. There are many advantages to bf but none of them outweigh a mother's health.
Wrt to driving, babies shouldn't be in a car seat longer than an hour. He either comes to visit or he doesn't see her. When he gets abusive, make a record and report him to the Police on 101 (if he's there, call 999 or text someone to do it for you) That's any abuse - if he so much as swears in front of you, that's threatening and intimidating behaviour. "I want you to leave". "No" means he's trespassing. 999.
Thank you, congratulations!!
He is just in my head I can't get away even sleep times. He's not contacting me now until he wants to see DD and that hurts too.
I miss who he was.
I can't do right for doing wrong.
Dd is fast asleep, but I'm wide awake
What strategies did your therapist give you? What works and what's bollocks? Stuff i find good:
Radio on low all night
Count to 100 in French/German or backwards from 100 in English, starting again if i lose count
Breathing to a mantra - "in with the positive, out with the negative" with the in and exhales in the appropriate places works for me, but find your own
Ditto, breath in in to a count of 4 then out for 4.
Starting with toes, lie flat on your back and clench then release each body part in turn twice moving up - toes, feet, calves, thighs, pelvic floor, abs...
Visualisation - put yourself in a favourite place, remember smells, tastes, sounds etc
Pickles, this awful bullying man is making you ill.
Anyone with a tiny baby, being bullied into driving long distances, feeling under pressure to leave their baby with a person who cannot be trusted to look after her, would be feeling anxious, depressed and unable to sleep.
This is serious abuse. He is risking your health and that of your dd by insisting on this travelling.
Anyone with a grain of common sense or compassion would not dream of asking someone who had just had a baby to drive 2 and a half hours one way, never mind a round trip.
You should be enjoying this time with your dd. It is enough of a full time job just to look after her, do the shopping, cooking and washing, never mind driving anywhere.
Your depression is not your fault, he is the cause.
Can you talk to your HV?
You are completely within your rights to refuse to do any more travelling.
You need a few weeks of peace and quiet, just you and dd.
Communicate only by email. See a solicitor or CAB.
I think everyone is sick of me being so weak and giving into him now.
I feel like there is never going to end.
I know he will call Tuesday night and ask to see her Wednesday afternoon. It's will go- 'bring her to my parents tommorow'
Him- 'for gods sake why do you have to be so difficult'
Me- 'I'm not'
Him- 'For fucks sake just bring her to my parents some mother you are stopping us seeing her'
Me- 'it's not like that, you need to make more effort'
Him- 'see all you want to do is fucking argue just bring her!'
Cue him putting phone down, me feeling guilty start to pack as I'm weak and pathetic
If he wants to see her, he needs to make some fucking effort. You are giving everything and getting nothing. It is not your responsibility to make sure he has contact, it is HIS.
Sweetheart you're not "letting this happen" he is DOING THIS TO YOU.
It's not your fault. You're doing great.
When you feel weak just think how far you've come. If you were weak you'd be back with him. This is what he can't handle; your strength.
There's nothing worse to an abuser than losing their control.
Your dd is far too young for overnights.
Get a diary. Log everything. Tell him if he's not happy to do it on your terms he can go to a judge. He WON'T be awarded overnights with her being this young.
If you feel harassed, scared, intimidated you phone the police and you phone them every time he scares you.
Most of all you stay strong and be kind to yourself. This fucker is not worth your tears.
Write him a letter stating that all communication is to be in writing as of the date of the postmark and any attempt to contact you in any other way will be seen as harassment, send it first class signed for. Screen your calls - let voicemail pick up all landline calls, if you have a "proper" answerphone you can pick up mid-message if you want to talk to them - and consult CAB for advice on his legal rights.
I've never done it, but something like:
Dear Mr Cunt,
Please take this letter as notification that I require all further communication between us to be in writing by email to email@example.com. This is to prevent miscommunication between us regarding dd.
Dd will be available for you to visit at <cafe local to you> every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday between 2 and 4 pm. You are required to do the bulk of the travelling as it has been proven that prolonged periods spent in a car seat cause severe respiratory and spinal problems in young children. Please see http://suite101.com/article/car-seat-guidelines-for-newborn-babies-a267633 for more information.
Any attempt to use threatening or intimidating language or behaviour will result in cessation of contact and recourse to the law.
Miss P 77
Ah but is it helpful? Are you feeling stronger?
I'm trying it's so hard to not contact him but I can't change him. He knows where she is. I just can't believe I had a baby with him
Surely he's being unreasonable (and that's an understatement). She's 10 weeks old and he wants her all weekend? Is that on his own, or does he want to force you to stick around so he can carry on messing with your mind?
Do you have a health visitor? I don't think you should have been having to drive her around the country almost since she was born, that should be time for you to be spending with baby and with people who can help support you (do you have friends and family who can back you up?) I think you should ask a health visitor if they can help you find support on sorting out sensible and realistic contact arrangements - another place to talk to might be a local children's centre if you have one. Although sadly such services are being cut back, the council should still employ people like Family Support Workers who can help you find other support with such concerns.
You need to go to the CSA. To only get £30 per week he must be earning a low wage, it must be around £200 per week. Their involvement would mean your daughter received the correct amount each week and not what he thinks she should get. It also avoids you and him having to deal with each other directly over the issue of finance. I would do it now, but be aware if he says he is having her on regular weekends, the amount you receive will reduce.
I'm a bit chatting to my HV about it because deep down I still love him and hope he will change.
CSA will give me 54 a week but he says he can't afford it and went nuts at me.
When I mention formalising things for DDs sake he goes nuts and says I'm stupid and irrational and If I ever want him back that's not the way to do it.
It's apparently not the way to do things and I'm Jeremy Kyle trash and it's not good for DD and everyone will think bad of me.
He says im physcotic and it really scares me that people will think that off me. I also don't want to upset his parents and their relationship with dd.
How did he become like this? Why is it like this? What did I do to deserve this? How can I still love him?
It's on my mind 24 hours a day it just won't stop, i am so disappointed in myself
"deep down I still love him and hope he will change" you don't love him, you love the person you thought he was. He will never change, this IS who he is, he was lying to you previously. I know. I did this for years with my ex.
He can't afford an additional £14? rubbish, its not about that. Even if he pays you the full £54, he wants to pay you directly, make you feel obliged. its a play for control and power. That way he can with hold it when ever you don;t 'behave'. Take that power away from him and to the CSA.
" If I ever want him back that's not the way to do it" You don't want him back, not the real him. No one will think bad of you, and if they do, so long and you and DD are happy - so what! So they think you're a bitch, so what? Where are 'they' when you needed them? What did 'they' ever do for you? Tell 'Them' to bugger off
You not psychotic, you've been ill, stressed and emotional. If you were crying from the pain of a broken leg would people judge you? So what right have they to judge you for expressing this emotional pain, which is made so much worse by his behaviour.
Take it one step at a time. Start saying no (I know it's hard), and when he gets mean and nasty put the phone down, walk away, and go talk to people who you can trust not to be mean and nasty.
Pickles, Please listen to everyone on here.
Am I getting this right; your DD is ten weeks and you have been taking her to see him??
WTAF? I was barely out of my pyjamas for the first 3 weeks of my ds's life.
You simply can't do this, and if he has a problem with it he can take you to court.
When you tell the court about his emotional abuse (which is what this is) he won't get very far.
Of course you feel like you still "love" him. You have gone thru pregnancy and birth, and the early weeks of motherhood alone. This is a very stressful and emotionally hard thing to do (I did it so I know) and you just want to cling onto the idea of this man who you feel once loved you and cared for you.
Your hormones are going haywire, and your natural instincts are to be with the father.
This will ease off as you get stronger and more confident, and you will look back on this period as a time of adjustment to your new life.
You sound to me like you still have PND-the obsessive thought and not sleeping are classic signs, and what you need to do is concentrate on making your DD's Mummy better.
All she needs is you, healthy. She wont remember any of this btw, and she will love you unconditionally.
You are NOT weak-noone who can look after a baby alone from birth is weak or pathetic. And you are doing this. You are a brilliant mum, because you are thinking of your daughter's need and future happiness, even if you are misguided in thinking that this man has anything to offer her. He probably doesn't, and the sooner you get used to that idea, the better,
All you need to do is shut him down, ignore him, and deal with him only through solicitors, and the CSA. (CAB can help).
Get as much support as possible-family, friends, Women's Aid, HV-everyone and anyone.
Try and get some sleep and enjoy your baby. Things will get better if you stay away from this total fucking bastard.
Pickles you must, must, must let go of him.
As Ma says, it's not him you love. It's the person you thought he was. This man will damage you and your dd if you let him back into your lives full time.
HE WILL NOT CHANGE.
Look, look how he's treating you. You ask what you've done to deserve this. It's nothing you've done and you don't deserve it so Let. Him. Go.
How do I do that? I want to but he's never going to be gone
Its really early days OP.
You don't know what he will or wont do in the future. All you can know is what your actions will be.
Start as you NEED to go on, by formalising all arrangements, with outside help.
This will make you more in control, and feel less powerless.
Don't let this man control you. He can't if you don't let him.
You have an army of help at your fingertips-use it.
You are a strong person. All good mothers are. You need to be a lioness protecting your little cub from all that may do her harm-and shlepping her off to her biological fathers at ten weeks old is not in her interest, or yours-only his.
Your responsibility is to make a calm, safe, happy home for your daughter. That's all. What he does or doesn't do is not within your remit.
Make a plan. Stick to your guns. Sooner or later the emotional aspects of this WILL subside, and you will be able to get on with your life, but you have to take control.
You can do it.
Sounds like you are having to deal with too much alone, Pickles. Is there anyone you can stay with while DD is so little who can help you? That way if her father starts being scary you have backup. Make what your baby needs the centre of everything, then make sure you look after your own needs and stop running around after what he wants. You don't deserve any of this but sounds like your hormones and head are all over the place, which is totally to be expected when you have a tiny baby and have just come out of an abusive relationship. Are you afraid to say no to him? If so, you need protection and backup. And talk to your Health Visitor lots and ask her advice and take it.
Maybe he won't ever be gone but that doesn't mean that he has to mean anything to you anymore!
When I say let him go I mean from your heart and your head. He will always be your DD's father but he doesn't have to be somebody who has any control over you or your feelings.
But that won't happen overnight. You need to stay strong and remember all of the reasons why he's not a good person for you to be in a relationship with.
If you wibble, post here. Speak to your counsellor again. Most importantly, keep that baby with you until he earns the right to call himself her father.
Pickles love it will get easier.
Those feelings like he's never going to be out of your head, that you still love him etc are normal. You need to stop panicking and berating yourself for feeling that way. When I fled from my ex into refuge this time last year I was a mess. I kept beating myself up for still loving him. I learnt how to cope though and here is what I want you to try to do. When that wave of feelings hits you go into a room and shut the door. Sit down or lay down and let it all wash through you. Dont fight it, dont think about it - its a form of grief - you need to let it do its thing. Hold onto the knowledge that it will begin to pass. I used to lay on the floor and sob and sob and wish I was dead. Honestly. But within 10mins-30mins it subsided and I sat up, wiped my eyes and got on with my day.
Instead of seeing those feelings as a weakness you need to see them as strength - they are your bodies way of getting through this. If you bottled it all up and were fine you would be heading for disaster. Every tear you cry, every emotion that you experience is another little stepping stone on the way to healing. It hurts so so much doesnt it, but you get through it and believe me whats on the other side is worth it. Months and months down the line I still get the urge to call him. I dont want to but its the effect of the abuse. I am programmed to respond to him so with xmas coming up I feel like I should call him. I wont though. Ive got stronger and I can now spot the urge, wave at it and ignore it.
Its totally totally normal to feel this way. Especially with PND and a new baby. So let yourself grieve for the man he once was, for the man you fell in love with but the man you and I both know is dead, gone and never coming back. Thats why it hurts.
Practically here is my advice. Stop all contact with this twunt. Honestly. You are not strong enough right now to be picking up the phone. Let him take you to court if he wants access. I really dont think he will bother but if he does he will only be awarded very short periods of time and it will be supervised in a contact centre. By continuing to discuss contact with this man you are allowing him the opportunity to abuse you again. He doesnt give a shit about your child, he is using contact to control you. He's loving that you've been driving about when you are vulnerable and struggling, hes loving the control that being a father is giving him. So take that control away. No court on this earth would agree to you bombing about the country because its not good for a tiny baby to be bunged in a carseat and ferried about at a mans whim. You need to be resting and bonding with that baby which is in her interest. So in demanding you do otherwise he is showing how little he cares about her.
You are well within your rights (and would be doing as hundreds of us have) to stop all contact with him, change your phone number and send a letter stating that all contact is to go via a solicitor from now on. It shows him that you are actually putting the needs of your child first and will not be manipulated and bullied.
Go and see a solicitor. Go and get a free half hour and explain the situation. They will handle it and all this pressure will just evaporate. It is the best thing I did and my ex has backed off because he knows he cant use DD to get to me.
You are stronger than you think you are, you've been through hell and you are still standing, still fighting, still protecting that tiny life. You are a hero to that baby; you have given her a chance to be happy and she will be so proud of you for keeping her safe and putting her first. Any you should be proud of yourself. Chin up
Thank you for the support all
You need people on your side, OP.
Talk to your HV, to the mental health team, to your GP and go and see a family solicitor.
Get contact formalised through lawyers and make him jump through all the proper hoops. You need to put some distance between the two of you and to have something formal in place to refer to when he tries to bully you. You can then just keep repeating the terms of the contact agreement or order, parrot-fashion when he tries to deviate from it.
Things will get easier once he knows you won't be bullied. If you keep giving in to his demands, they will get more and more unreasonable. He's not going to change and become a nice, reasonable human being, but you might be able to force him to have a grudging respect for you if he realises you won't be pushed around.
Amazing post Twinkle.
I can relate to all of it, as, luckily for me ds's dad was not abusive, but I have been in an abusive relationship, and the word "programmed" is spot on.
It stuns me even now how weak I felt when he was in the picture, and how free I felt when I got away.
Rooting for you OP.
You are doing great, in case you don't know, to carry yourself and your brand-new baby forward. Congratulations. Your daughter is going to benefit so greatly from your strength and determination.
Re: this: When I mention formalising things for DDs sake he goes nuts and says I'm stupid and irrational and If I ever want him back that's not the way to do it.
-- He is just messing with you here b/c he knows he can. I mean come on. No one sits around like, "Hmm, should I get back together with Pickles? Yes, I should, I'll call her right now -- oh wait, wait now, what's this? She says she wants to formalize support arrangements for our baby so that she can care for her properly?!?! She wants to set up regular times so that I can see my baby without damaging her eating and sleeping schedule or endangering her health in a carseat?!!? Well fuck that shit! Man, I was totally going to go back to her and love her forever and be a kind and faithful partner, but now I'm not."
Seriously. I don't mean to sound unkind and I know you already know this, but wanted to say it anyway in case it helps: he is fucking with you. He is holding out the imaginary temptation of one day getting back together with you so he can control you. Sorry, I don't know you, but that does seem clear from your post. And that's just mean.
A man who is not being manipulative and mean would think "I'm glad Pickles wants to formalize support and visitation for our daughter, b/c I want to make sure that our baby has everything she needs from both of us, whether we are together or not."
I hope you can get a lawyer to help you formalize the arrangements, both support and visitation. And I'm so sorry you feel so weary and alone. x.
Pickles I echo what Twinkle said, it's completely normal for you to feel, sad, your grieving for what could have been, I don't want to scare you but I'm 2 years down the road, blocked lots of things inside, just completely one session of counselling with Womens Aid and sure enough I have post traumatic stress disorder, maybe that is why this man is in your dreams?
Apparently this is why mines is in mine, if I am honest I thought I was gong insane I had a good chat with doctor though and it made sense, I block him all day, even through counselling I referred to him as it, that person, the bastard (sorry), I never used his name and still cannot.
I know I need to do more counselling now to enable myself to move on, I still cry sometimes, not because I love this man but because I am grieving what could have been and the situation I am in now. Maybe I do love him I don't know, I don't think I can feel this level of hate and love at the same time.
I had to wake up at 4.30am this morning as mine was in my dream,sure enough I was hurting in my dream as he had divorced me without telling me?? When in reality I am waiting on a divorce, I also smacked him over head with a wedding present, (an ornament of a married couple I loved) in this dream I had to wake up though as I fall back into the same dreams I have police, solicitors, a bit of stalking going on and sure enough it's all in my dreams, I can relate to him being on your mind 24/7.
I would also recommend breaking off all contact, these men try to mess with your head so much and mine done a very good job until earlier this year when I cut him off. I still cry over this man sometimes, I was with him for a long time, I keep remembering the good times, all 5 or 6 of them....I constantly fight with my brain and tell myself I am to blame, then my support worker talks to me and tells me I am not....
We are still going through Courts as my ex will not fight my decision for no contact, (he wrote many apology cards letters I kept them all) I am not doing this to hurt him, my Dc do not wish to see their father, they are a little older and remember things and it has left them scared.
Be kind to yourself, get more counselling it is the only way through what seem to me to be a long nightmare. I don't have much support in real life as everyone would like me to move on, I would love this too, but sadly it seems my brain isn't ready to move on as yet.
Take care of yourself and your lovely DD. x
Thank you for the advice I know you are all right its just so sad
What do you all think regarding contact hours for DD. He works every other weekend. So finishes at 1pm on his Saturday off and has all of Sunday off.
Works the next weekend and finishes that Wednesday at 1pm.
He is 2.5 hours drive away.
Solicitor says to think what i will agree to with it being such a difficult working pattern.
Just want to see what you find acceptable. Bearing in mind his parents are 1 hour from him and 2.5 from us.
In a triangle shape.
Where would you rather the contact took place? At a centre somewhere? At his parents?
A five hour round trip is very long for a baby that young.
I guess in my local area. I've got no problem him taking her for a few hours but I just don't know where he could go with her with it being winter
That's not your problem Pickles! Unless you think he's stupid enough to keep her out in the cold and not suitably wrapped up?
He can take her to a cafe. Grab a coffee and have a cuddle. She won't be able to interact too much at that age anyway.
If it was me, I'd offer it. If he didn't
bother to take me up on it, well, I wouldn't see it as a big loss!
I would be prepared to drive up to 30 minutes.
Find a contact centre so you have reliable independent witnesses to his behaviour.
I would offer alternate Wednesdays and Saturdays 3:30-5pm. If he sticks to that and remains civil for 3 months you'll review it. Anything you object to - disrespecting you, late without informing you, attempting to change the arrangement - and you stop contact with immediate effect and he can fight you in court.
Actually, take him to court anyway. Let the csa deal with the money, it's what they're there for.
I agree that contact should ideally take place on your 'territory' (local area ), but perhaps his parents' place could also work? Or what about your parents? Are they local to you and would they be happy to be involved?
Or, cafés, soft play and parks, when the weather warms up a bit.
His parents is way too far. I was thinking weds and sats too
No way would my folks have him in the house if im honest.
I'm going to write out a couple of draft emails to him and his folks at the weekend.
Spoke to csa today
Good for you Pickles!
Hurrah! <waggles pompoms>
Any slight hint of him kicking off and you call the police, right? Get it on record!
Stay strong and remember he's brought this all on himself!
Got my doctor tommorow as feeling it quite bad now.
Think the meds are working but I think I might need more help.
Finally getting back on a horse tommorow which is something.
Well done Pickles.
When you are having a strong moment, write some notes to yourself and stick them where you can see them easily. By the phone, in your purse, near your computer. Stuff like "you will not control me" and "I am strong" and "I will not give in to your bullying". You need that reassurance for the moments you're feeling weak and he's managed to corner you somehow.
Definitely think you should stick to contact by email/letter/text only so you have a record of all that happens. It's for your own protection and for your DD's too.
You are doing a great job, just keep plugging away one day at a time. Rooting for you
Oh we'll done Pickles, csa & talking to a Sol is a excellent step! Be prepared for him to really not like it. But tough! Now practice your serene, calm ' I'm sorry, but this is the best for me & Litttle Pickles, I'm afraid any problems you have are none of my concern' or words to that effect. Good luck!
It is sad. It is really, really shitty. You are having to go through protracted heartbreak.
And sometimes you might just need to feel it, to say, okay, I just need to sit here and cry for a while. It might help for you to give yourself permission to do that, when you need to, so that it doesn't overpower you and keep you from doing what you need to do. It's okay to let yourself feel it.
You are dealing with two different things now: 1, emotional: your heartbreak. 2, practical: your child support. Before now, the emotional was swamping the practical: your heartbreak was keeping you from protecting yourself on practical issues. You have to make room for both the emotional and the practical so you can keep them separate, so that the emotional doesn't swamp the practical any longer.
So, hooray for what you've done so far to make the practical things work for you! Really, that is great.
And so do give yourself some room to grieve. In time, I think, you will need to make less and less room for that. I do really hope and think that before long joy will outweigh pain in your emotional life. (Sorry if I sound like a Pollyanna, I really really don't mean to.)
KeatsiePie great post.
Pickles use here as your sounding board. Rant, rave, cry. Just don't back down. Remind yourself why you're doing any of this: it's to give your dd the best and safest life she can have.
I would rather not be here than keep living this nightmare and that's the truth
A big hug for you, pickles. It's a cliche, but things will get better.
Six months this has gone on and it's getting harder. I don't want to live like this. I was doing well and now it's worse than ever and I hate it.
If I wasn't so weak then I'd just not be here but im just pathetic so so pathetic x
Pickles, sweetie. I haven't read your other threads but I've read all of this one and you are being really strong. Refusing to let an ex control you when you have a child together, and when he is willing to use the child as a weapon is really hard. You've been so strong. You are NOT weak or pathetic. Keep talking here, and lean on people when you need to. There's a whole bunch of posters here for you. Let them (us?) support you where we can.
I just think him and his whole family think I'm an unstable horrible bitch and I hate people thinking bad of me.
I just want him to want us.
I made so much progress and it's all undone in two weeks.
I can't ever see me being complete again
People think badly of HIM, not you. You have done nothing wrong.
Please go back to your GP and HV, pickles. You need more RL support too. Your DD is still very little and you need their support.
Tablets been increased and more counselling. Going to draft emails. His mother is oblivious to how he is after asking me when am I seeing him and me explaining why I'm not she informed me I need proffesional support.
Haven't laughed like that for a while. Sad huh.
You have tried very hard to bend over backwards for this guy and force him to have a relationship with your DD on whatever terms he wants. Please try and sit back and reread everything you have written. Then think what you would advise someone else to do.
You picked a really nasty piece of work to father your child. He does not care about you, or even your DD, he just enjoys toying with you, like a cat does a mouse. If his family thinks badly of you, so what? They've only heard the lies from their son. If they choose to believe him, when its clear you've been killing yourself to accommodate him, there's nothing you can do. I think a lot of his anger is guilt, along with frustration that you will no longer tow the line.
I know you are finding it difficult to detach, as you still yearn for the man you thought he was (as opposed to the spiteful, self centred manchild that he actually is). It will only hurt you further to deal with him directly. Sort out contact in a formal and legal way. Get someone else to handle the changeover whilst you are still so vulnerable. And get the CSA to sort the money. He's only reluctant to go this route because he loses control once you go legal. You can see that through his aggression.
You've made a huge amount of progress and it it's not undone. You're just having a wobble. You will be happy again.
Appear to detach, even if you can't really in an emotional sense. You can do it for your daughter.
I just think him and his whole family think I'm an unstable horrible bitch and I hate people thinking bad of me.
Pickles You can't control what other people think. Don't bother trying. His family is being fed misinformation. What you need to do is to not think about them. Don't answer the phone to him. Insist that he either emails you or texts you in future. Don't reply to him straight away. Let yourself calm down before you do.
Now, can you get a free half-hour consultation with a solicitor to try to get contact through a contact centre? He can rant and rave all he likes but you need the protection or shield, if you like, of someone professional who can tell him how it is. At the moment, you're fragile, having had DD only 10 weeks ago and having to deal with your twunt of an ex. Would your HV know who you can contact regarding this? Sometimes HV's have little nuggets of information like this.
Can your family help you to deal with this?
You are NOT WEAK !! It is just a bump in the road to wellness. You are doing all the right things. Fuck his family. After all , they raised this creep, so what go they know?
You are doing GREAT ! Keep going ! Xxx
Remember and keep remembering this is really early days for you. I am glad your GP has increased your tablets and set you up with more counselling.
It is NOT a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. And you are strong. XXX
Thank you all I don't feel it.
I post and start threads a lot when I just need help support and when things tumble
A tip I saw on someone else's thread was think of three good things you did/saw/heard about/enjoyed today. Sometimes, I only manage one or two. Small steps .... Keep going! X
WilsonFricket has it right. Go and see a Family Lawyer, search the internet and find a good firm near where you live. Involve the CSA. Let others deal with this man and give yourself a break. You love your baby daughter, and it sounds very much like this is a man who will use that to manipulate and exploit you. Try and stay strong, and don't let that happen. Your Family Lawyer will have details of contact centres that are local to you, and can inform your ex about that in their first letter to him. Then, it's over to him to make any arrangements, and travel to see your baby. The centres are usually run by WRVS or similar, and loosely supervised so you will know your baby is safe. It is unfair/unreasonable and just wrong for you to be driving long distances with a tiny baby. Go and see your GP/Health Visitor and tell them how vulnerable you are feeling. There may be a children's centre near you, where you can get some support, Baby massage groups etc. You may be lucky enough to meet other mothers you can get some support from. Good luck, and just focus on looking after yourself and your baby. Don't answer his calls/texts, leave it to your lawyer.
Please help. My parents want to call him, my dad is furious... Says if I don't give him his phone number or his parents number he's going to go into his work.
Surely it's only going to make things worse .
Want to call him about what pickles?
His unreasonable behaviour and upsetting me.
It makes me look and feel like a child
Well, I would say that your Dad is absolutely right to be furious. The bullyboy ex needs calling off.... Think about it that way.
I said upthread that you need someone to be a shield. Your family are on your side. Sometimes, you just can't fight someone like your ex on your own.....
But i think my dad will just loose his temper. I think it might be better if
My dad does a baby handover
But Pickles, your ex needs putting in his place and to stop bullying you! The situation as it stands has turned you into a nervous wreck, wondering what's going to happen next. Hopefully, your Dad will put a stop to that.....
You're still worried about what this bastard thinks. Stop it. This is about your DD, and if your dad can put some boundaries in place that your ex will respect, let him.
Okay,.. I'll let dad do a handover
Good for you. Small steps.
And I think it was RedTulip who had the 'think of 3 nice things' as part of her daily routine. It sounded as if it helped her.
Right, I think you can understand why your dad would want to do this.
However, if it makes you feel less confident or like a child then that's not good either.
His heart is in the right place but there's no point in anything stressing you out further.
This is what I think: even if you let your dad do the handover, you STILL put everything in writing.
Tell your parents the plan. Tell them that communication will be non-verbal as much as possible, maintenance will be claimed through the CSA and ANY form of harrassment from your ex with result in withdrawal of contact until you feel that he has his emotions in check enough not to upset your DD.
Tell him and your parents that if he crosses the line and makes you feel unsafe you will be contacting the police. And MEAN it.
It's time for YOU to be in control of YOUR life. Your parents will, I think, feel better when they know he's not controlling or manipulating you anymore.
Thank you your all right.
You've all made me feel a bit stronger today with your support
Pickles, I've just read this thread, and I wanted to say that I am so proud of you.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to be alone with a tiny one, and dealing with your own issues as well - you are doing so, so well.
He is a bully, and you do not need him. How dare he be so disrespectful to the mother of his DD?
It is fantastic that your dad will help you out with handovers, as that means you don't have to face any vile abuse.
Keep going, you will have ups and downs but we are all here to support you.
Thank you, you just put a tear in my eye
I agree that your dad means well, but set your boundaries, and don't let him take over or do or say anything you're not comfortable with. He is there to support you and your DD and should not let his personal dislike of your ex get in the way.
Bedtimes are always the worst this is when it's hurting the most and the mornings
It will do Pickles, because there are no distractions.
Remember to keep your diary, do your three good things diary and keep your dd and your own happiness at the forefront of your mind.
It's not easy, but it's so worth it!
Today has been a much better day.
I'm angry today as. I can't believe he hasn't even tried to contact to see how his daughter is- how sad
Well done Pickles !
Have seen a thread or two of yours and agree this man is not worth the time or effort worrying about. I had similar situ with my ex, who was also a twunt. Many ex's tend to be . I honestly admire you; you are doing all of this with mental issues I luckily didn't have and you are getting so strong
Please just remember never to contact him and if he contacts you it must be about DD. My life has got a lot calmer since I have used this mantra. Honestly don't even consider him a friend. I have the same feelings of wishing it had been different, but to be honest, these men will have to live with who they are for life, we just had to put up with it for a short while. I hope that my ex will look back at all of the drama and stress he has caused all three of us and wonder why he bothered.. I doubt he will, but maybe if he ever grows up he might.
We are better than these pathetic excuses for men. CSA helped me no end and fought for me. Ex seems to think they have a personal vendetta and now I get abusive texts blaming me for various things in his life. It really does seem he thinks everything is my fault/CSA's fault, but every time he texts I have to think 'who put us here?' and 'why am I so important in your life that I somehow control it and make it so bad?' - because the truth is these men use any excuse to beat you with hatred. You don't need him confusing you with all of this wankery. I have had a really horrid pg and 16 months after because of my ex and I don't have your health issues. I can only imagine how hard this is for you as at times I have felt my life is not my own and worried that he is right. It is possibly the toughest thing you will have to go through in life - birth and looking after baby alone, all the while having some arse cheese abuse you, but you have done it so far! Look how far you have come .
I picture DD and I playing in the garden, reading on the sofa, snuggled up and cooking together. In a few years I probably won't think of him at all - he hasn't seen her for 11 months since I got CSA involved and it has been a huge relief for me, if somewhat sad for DD. I doubt my ex will go to Court to fight for her, and this is a reflection on them, not you. He is missing out and he doesn't even know what he is missing. It is not up to you to tell him.
Rooting for you here too. PM me if you ever want a chat/moan whatever and sorry for long post!
What a lovely post, you have just really touched me. Thank you for your support I can relate 100% to what you have written
It takes alot to hate you, takes too much to forget you so how could it take so little to love you.
It's really hurting this morning. This is the longest without contact. SSunday mornings used to be great.
I'm so sad he hasn't tried to contact anyone asking about DD
Why you wasting your life worrying about a man who doesn't give a shot about you!!!
He thinks so little of his daughter than he won't make n2 hr trip to see her,! Won't give her £14 a week extra, to cover petrol costs so he can see his daughter.
You need to take yourself out of this situation as its over!!! Your relationship with him is over!!! He's a waste of space, you now need to concentrate on your dd and so what's beat for her!!!
He does not care about you, if he did he wouldn't have thrown you out, or been shagging someone else.
Sorry if this is tough reading, but you and him are over, accept and fight for your daughter, contact centre, correct main race through the proper channels and also contact by email only, and someone else to handle the contact.
Pickles, it's his loss. Really and truly it is. No-one else's. You've behaved with dignity and integrity throughout your interactions with him, and have literally nothing to blame yourself for. And your lovely DD will recognise you for the wonderful person you are as she grows up with you.
Keep hold of your anger. It's like hot steel - use it to forge armour around you, so his barbed arrow comments can't get to your heart. They will simply clatter to the floor where you can grind them under your feet.
Still not a peep from him, says it all really.
I feel rather lifted.
Is it wrong to hope he doesn't contact?
Hi Pickles I know how you feel, it took a long time for me to accept ex wasn't going to ask about DD at all (as I mentioned he has only just asked for a pic 11 months after seeing her last and no update requested, I may add). I go through phases of thinking maybe he should be in her life but then he will message me something horrid and I revert back to being glad he is out of both of our lives. It is his choice, as people have said. He will have to explain for the rest of his life that he has a child he chooses not to see. My ex probably doesn't tell people at all, but they will find out eventually, making his lying all the more poignant.
You focus your energies on hitting him where it hurts - wallet via CSA and being happy in yourself for yourself and DD. Imagine him looking through the window at the family he could have had and wondering what the fook he was thinking
The longer he doesn't contact me the better. The hurt gets less and the anger more.
It's amazing how you never saw this side to someone.
Him and OW can sit on the sofa and enjoy life because quite frankly they are in denial.
Any woman that thinks that's acceptable isn't normal.
No contact works wonders, it's been almost a year for me, will be a year on 5th December, 2011, I ripped up every picture of 'the dad' now I have forgot what he even looks like I like that.
Ime he will be in touch soon, try to stick to DD and don't get emotionally, even slightly involved with this man.
I don't think he will be in touch you know.
If he is he will claim i am unreasonable for not letting him have DD for a whole day when he hasn't seen her for nearly three weeks.
Will I let her go? Not on your nelly
Pickles I hope I am remembering you correctly, but are you the poster who used to work for the Boys in Blue? If so, have you thought about contacting Racing Welfare? They can be a great support, and not just on racing related matters. They were a fantastic support to my colleague when she left her violent partner and gave no end of support. It doesn't matter if you no longer work in racing, anyone who has worked in the industry in past is entitled to ask for help. Even if they just provide a shoulder to cry on and financial advice it would probably be a help to you.
Pickles, You have gone above and beyond trying to let your Ex have access to your Dd, stop beating yourself up and worrying about what he thinks and what others think. Let you family, your HV and Doctor help you and concentrate of what is best for you and your baby, not him.
Be strong, theres a lot of hands holding yours right now.
I used to work down the road from them yes, racing welfare will pay for my retraining! To midwifrey it's brilliant.
Thank you all, feeling stronger each day all
Nest of vipers my backside!!! I feel privalidged to be a
So glad you've been in touch with RW and that they are helping you out
NotWanking out of interest, how did you decide about the photos? I have been umming and aahing about whether to have any of her with her dad up/in albums. Some part of me wants her to know what he looks like, so she isn't just imagining what he looked like. Other parts think perhaps it will be better to just show her when she asks and is older, rather than having him on the wall with other pics to confuse her... She was only 6mo when he left so she won't remember him at all.
Pickles, I find it great on here as so many people are in a similar boat. In RL I am the only one of my friends who is a single mum, and I find it hard sometimes. Good ol' MN!
Well done Pickles
Keep posting whenever you feel a wobble, we are all behind you.
Midwifery-that's fantastic! Good luck love x
Pickles, I have just read this whole thread, and I wanted to say how strong you sound. It is incredibly early for you to having to fight these battles and deal with all this crap, and you are doing really well.
I understand some of what you're going through. My DS's dad left when he was 6 months old, and was very unreliable with contact. I wanted our son to have contact with his dad, so I put an amazing amount of effort into it... I did not drive but I travelled by train and bus to take DS to see him; and I even took Ex to court to try to get an official contact order (I failed). When he moved 150 miles away, I still continued to take DS to see him a couple of times a year. His dad did drive, but rarely made the journey back here. With hindsight (this was all 13-17 years ago) I don't really know why I did it, except that he used to say that I was 'stopping him from seeing his son' - and like you I felt somehow guilty.
Also like you, DS's dad decided the maintenance he was paying was 'too much' and cut it down to £30/week, then after 2 months, stopped it altogether. In 17.5 years I have had a total of about £250 from him.
Don't be fooled into thinking your DD's dad will suddenly become caring and supportive. He won't.
When my DS was 13/14, the CSA finally caught up with his dad and made an attachment of earnings. He quit his job and left the country. He wrote to me telling me I had 'forced' him to go abroad. He wrote to DS telling him the same, and also saying I had 'tricked' him into having a child in the first place. I don't even think it occurred to him to consider how this would affect DS. That kind of selfish fecker can't see past the end of his own nose.
I had times when I was on my own with DS when I was very stressed and unhappy and depressed. Stress and grief and lack of sleep do mess with your head.
(I'll send you a PM saying a few other things about this that I don't want to say 'publicly'. )
You will be able to deal with this. Take any bit of help you are offered, and if you aren't offered enough, ask.
You can do this. If you can be this strong when your DD is just a few weeks old, just imagine how strong you will be by the time she is one... two... five... ten...
What a great post flow, really good to hear from someone on the other side of it all.
Sad to say I do still hope for ex to want to see DD, and somehow change his mind. I don't know why really, as he isn't very nice at all. However the longer it goes on, the easier it is becoming. We have a tribunal next week as he is taking us to it to avoid paying. I imagine a few messages after that, but whether or not he will actually want to see her, or just hurt me I don't yet know... Thee men can be so charming, but as you say, can't see past the end of their own noses.
So Pickles I hope you have had a good day today. We are all here for you, with our advice at varying stages of knob-end-runnaway-dads.
Thank you all, we are sat here freshly bathed and snuggling with our pooch how someone can not want to be a part of this is beyond me.
Fools aren't they?
It amazes me still that I thought I knew him. Turns out I never knew him at all.
He never loved me, he will never love DD. he has no heart.
And writing that down felt rather good!
Wow, Pickles, you're sounding so much better! Keep up the good work!
I had a bit of a head start on you: my DS's dad told me when I was 6 months pregnant that he didn't love me, and didn't even like me very much. It still took me almost a year to come to terms with the fact our Happy Family wasn't going to work out
bloody naive fool that I was. Hope is a hard thing to give up.
You are doing pretty well dealing with all the ups and downs, Pickles. It will take a while, but you will be OK.
"Hope is a hard thing to give up" isn't right... I didn't give up hope. I realised I was hoping for the wrong thing, and refocussed my energy on things that were going to make me happy!
Oh I'm not I'm having a bit of a sob now but I think that's a good thing!
And today I'm hurting again.
Thinking of him with OW, having fun. Forgetting all about us.
Forgetting the family that should have been
I do this too - bonfire night and Christmas coming up with NYE - all big reminders of the last few years we enjoyed them together. Although I say 'enjoyed' he was a big sulker, drinker and nothing was ever good enough. I am sure you had times like this too? So don't go thinking the grass is greener where he is, because these men spoil any happiness by being them. Think how much nicer it will be NOT having to deal with him ruining these lovely times. I am going to have a stress free Christmas this year with no one picking holes .
Pickles, the 'relationship' with his slut is clearly not a bed of roses, or he wouldn't have condescended to try to get back with you. And he's got years of uncomfortable questions ahead of him as to why he abandoned his daughter.
You measure a person by their actions. He has proved himself to be unworthy of you and your dd many times over. You would have led a dogs life with him and I think you know it. You can't see it yet, but you've given yourself freedom and the chance of happiness.
Thank you for the boost
Just remembered poor picklesdog wasn't even allowed Xmas dinner last year
Oooh, switch your phone off this Xmas. He can't ruin your fun anymore unless you let him
Poor picklesdog! He can have meatsweats this year!
Just had him effing and blinding at me. He wants her tomo afternoon and I've said email contact only and he can't have her unsupervised.
This is bollocks apparently. He will have her where and when he wants. And if his mum wants her for the afternoon she will. Because I am unreasonable.
Because he hasnt seen her for three weeks
Hold strong. He's talking crap. And he knows it. And now you do too.
Your XP, for example, is a twat.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Turn your phone off and go out for the PM.
Do not give in to the silly sod. He's basically jumping up and down yelling "Listen to me!!!!" and making himself look like an utter twat.
Would you allow a toddler to get his own way because he had the screaming ab dabs? No? Well you certainly dont give in to this twerp.
Oh no, taken DD out in pram with Poppy.
You can force someone to be a father or put a baby's need before their own
Wow Pickles I've read your full thread and I think you are amazing
You will of course have days where you feel you can take on the world and days where you feel the world has fought you. The down days do not mean you have failed/stepped backwards, they are all part of you moving forward with your lovely new life.
You have a lovely dd, a pooch and supportive parents.
Your ex will shout etc but he has no leg to stand on at all. His mum has NO RIGHT legally to any contact so he can shove that. As for him, unsupervised contact with a baby who won't know his smell/touch/voice? Don't think so.
Stay as strong as you are, you are coping with all this added crap magnificently.
Think about it. You've had a baby. Emotionally & physically that is hugely demanding on you and your body. You've been suffering with completely normal PND, another huge strain on you. Then you have that dickhead verbally & emotionally abusing you.
Yet here you are, still standing, still going, still stronger than you think. Please take a minute to think about everything you've been doing and realise how fantastic you are. And keep us the threads if you find they help, as we are not emotionally attached on MN (I mean as close friends/family are) we can offer objective advice.
Thank you very much. Today started off a low day but after just being screamed at over quite frankly laughable. I'm angry.
Oh yes I shall let my baby go out with a stranger for the day (that is what he is now)
I especially liked the line 'who do you
think I am'
So did mum actually- only reason I answered because I wasn't alone made it a lot easier actually
Not much I can say, other than fuck me he's an entitled twat!
You seem to have it all in hand though. You dd would of course be terrified going with him for an afternoon, let alone a whole day.
Have you got any legal advice yet, Pickles? You need to get a proper access arrangement sorted so he can't make these ridiculous demands.
Waiting for my dad to come to the solicitors with me as I don't understand jargon
My god what can I say what a prize knobber. I echo what everyone else says, he is emotionally manipulating you as he can and is able to do it. He can bloody well drive up to see her if he cares for her. Stop all this driving about, contact the CAB, get legal advice. I would go back to therapy, you sound like your in a bad place right now and your confidence is so low. Don't contact him, just communicate through legal,channels. Big squishy hugs to you
Thank you feel stronger with support
Just got this-
I am having DD Tomorrow afternoon. On my own. I will text when i am leaving
Em, no he won't! Who the fuck does he think he is?
Reply and say no chance. If he still insists and turns up ignore door/call police. You don't have to let him take DD.
Absolutely. When he texts to say he's leaving then be out when he's likely to turn up.
And isn't it interesting that he can get himself to your house when he wants to, despite making you drive for hours to get DD to him in the past?
But you do need to get legal advice too because this isn't a long term fix. Does he have PR?
It certainly shows a lot that he can make the effort when he wants to!
I'm in two minds here though as I feel funny about stopping all contact without legally having your back. I wouldn't want him to be able to hold it against you in the future. At least he wants to see her! But on his own is not good at all and he needs to know you aren't happy with that.
Did you find out about contact centres?
Yes he won't do contact centres and he is on her BC so has PR.
I feel sick and shaky but not upset. I don't want him to have her alone? Is that wrong? She won't know him- 3 weeks!!!
I'd call legal aid ASAP and see what they suggest. It is very last minute though so you could just say you already have plans for the day. I just wouldn't want him showing texts in Court saying you stopped him seeing her when he made the effort...but clearly this is all too fast and you can't let him just have her. Who knows how he would cope and would he bring her back? I'd be petrified given his past history. I really think contact centres are the way forward if he does want to see her, or he has to bring his parents along too.
If you have given him the option of contact centres then that is all he needs; you have given him a choice to see her and he isn't being reasonable.
Thank you. Or do I give in and let her go? I doubt I'd be able to book a contact centre for tomo would I
De-lurking to add support if you need it!!!.
Text twat back saying you have plans for tomorrow and can't hand her over due to your concerns over his responsibility and ability to cope.
Seek immediate help from a Sol. regarding what this twat owes and what his 'rights' are then take him to the cleaners.
Go girl, for you, dd and picklesdog
No! I wouldn't let her go, if something happened you would never forgive yourself. He has no idea how to look after her!
Just text when he says he is leaving and say you have plans and will be out all day. Say you mentioned contact centres before because she is so young and he may need help caring for her if you aren't there. You don't need to bow to his pressure, as he will keep doing it if he thinks he wins by suddenly announcing things like this.
Tomorrow though I really would sort out your legal position, CSA etc. Call your nearest contact centre and ask how it works, get some options for bookings and text him them. Either he sees her there in a safe environment or not all all for now. I think that is fair enough and you aren't stopping him seeing her.
Don't give in, you are your Daughters Protector!
You are fab.
don't give in, be strong for your little girl.
Is there anywhere you can go so he can't just turn up and take her? Is your dad able to be with you tomorrow when he's due to turn up?
My mum says to go out incase. I haven't said he can't see her. I said he can see her with someone.
So do I wait at home and see what
he decides? Or do I leave him to drive 2.5 hours and not be here.
I don't think he would have the bollocks to turn up at my parents
You be out! you don't have to be there. What did the solicitor say when you and your dad went? i would leave as soon as he texts, infact I would be out earlier take yourself to your mum's and then the two of you go shopping/ have lunch etc. if your dad wants to be there when he arrives that would be good, just make sure dad is ready to phone the police if he causes any trouble.
No need for you to be near what will probably be an angry man.
Keep away for the day in case he does show up regardless.
My dad works long nights away from home so he is back tomo afternoon so fri afternoon is sol time
Good plan. Sort out nearest contact centre and CSA (can't remember if you did that already?) tomorrow with your mum. Should only take an hour or so
Csa I've done as I was already on file just had to give the go ahead.
We've just done contact centres to call in the morning.
Which I really don't think he would go
Good idea to go out, I used to do this, mine won't take me to court to see dc unsupervised, he also will not see them in a contact centre, so he will not see them at all, this is their choice. Good luck at Solicitors.
Wanking- how do you deal with that emotionally if you don't mind me asking x
Yes, exactly. They have a choice to see their child or not. If they really had the child's interests at heart they would grab it with both hands. Stay strong
Is he on the birth certificate
Yes he is. Conned me into it emotionally
then i would see a solicitor asap, because he has parental right over your DC.
Could he legally just take her
Yes, but also responsibilities. You are seeing a sol on Fri and have offered him to see her, in a supervised contact centre. You can't do any more and wouldn't be expected to bow to his demands at such short notice anyway.
It is hard when men make their children into pawns to play with you, but you know you have given him all of the options that are safe for you and DD - his choice, as I said before, if he takes them or not.
Thank you all for the hand holding and support tonight.
I am feeling like a pressure cooker!!
that why i would see a solicitor. I know that as he has PR it means that he legally has the same rights as you.
No, he couldn't just come and take her. You are the primary carer and he has not been acting as an equal parent.
If you say he can't take her then the onus will be on him to go through the proper channels. If he literally grabbed her and took her away then you could call the police.
Someone in his position would not be supported by the legal system in any attempt to forcibly remove a child from its mother.
If you think he might try then do not, under any circumstances, allow him to have contact without proper precautions in place.
Pickles, do NOT let him take your DD.
This is his attempt at a power trip. If he genuinely wanted to see your DD, he would make a reasonable arrangement. He hasn't done this: instead, he is trying to bully you.
It is not reasonable for such a young baby to be left alone with someone she has not seen for 3 weeks. He is entitled to contact, but he is not entitled to arrange this just to suit himself: your DD's interests and welfare are what's important, and this arrangement is not in her best interests.
If possible, get up and go out tomorrow early. When you are already out, text him to say something like: "I am out today and I will not be in at all. Don't come". That way, he can save himself a journey, and if he comes anyway, then he has only himself to blame for his wasted journey.
Also write in your text something like this: "I will be in touch when I have seen the solicitor. I am happy for you to see DD regularly, but this needs to be properly arranged, to ensure her wellbeing".
Don't text tonight, and don't text before you have left the house, just in case he is angry enough to set off immediately.
Don't come home alone tomorrow either.
I don't mean to sound like a scaremonger, but angry bullies who aren't getting their own way can turn nasty, and you do not want to take chances.
He does NOT have the right to take your DD. If he comes to your house when you are there, and tries to take her, or threatens you, CALL THE POLICE.
Get yourself to that solicitor asap so you can sort this 'officially'
There is some more info about arranging contact here
I would get a new phone no. if I were you and stick to email contact only.
^^ kungfupannda is right, pickles. She knows what she is talking about.
Right - all the drama and ups and downs have gone on too long. You need to stop this. He does not love you. You do not have a future together. Your dd has the right to a relationship with him, but that it that. (and not vice versa I hasten to add)
You need to change your number, see the solicitor for advice, set something up with a contact centre near YOU, and contact the CSA. TELL him you will reply to emails only and that contact will be available at x on times y if he wishes to see his dd. STOP engaging with him at all.
No driving about the country, no phone calls, no emotional blackmail. No giving a shit about what he and his mother demand. Offer him supervised contact. Let him give a shit enough to sort the rest via court. I know I am a horrible cow and all, but this is not about you and your feelings any more. It is about protecting your dd (and your MH) and doing what is right for HER.
It will be hard, but everyone here will be right behind you.
Thank you I am on it
Contact centres sorted, Sol be seen Friday hopefully.
His mum called our house phone last night, and what a lovely lady. She's very cross and is going to come and see us on Sunday. She spoke to my mum too. Seems he had pulled the wool over her eyes again.
I've made arrangements to go Xmas shopping with a friend today rather than go to her house where I shall sit and wonder.
Thank you for the info on his PR & putting my mind at ease that I am not U.
Today I'm quite nervous, it's the first time i will have really really stood up to him.
I'm not loosing sleep, I just have never been a good sleeper. Bloomin DD sleeps 8-8 now, wish I did
Enjoy your shopping! Hopefully his mum will now see what he's putting you and her grand daughter through and that will help pull him up short.
Have a good day Pickles.
It's normal to be nervous but you'll be fine.
Glad that you've got the contact centre and Solicitor sorted.
It sounds like you're getting it all under control.
Good luck today. You will feel nervous - that's natural. But it'll pass... Standing up to him is so definitely the best thing to do, for you and your DD
Email- I am seeing her today whether you like it or not On my own. I will text when i am leaving
Gosh he is a deluded ass!
Stick to the plan.
He is a knob. And keeps on proving it to you!
Is that last bit (I will text when i am leaving) part of the text? Or what you'r thinking?
Hi Pickles. I see he's kicking off again with a new tantrum. Make sure you are not alone all day. I can't see him starting on you if someone else is there. If he does start with the threats and abuse, call the police.
All the best for today. And good luck with the shopping
Christmas shopping fills me with horror
He says he's texting me when he's
Leaving? What's the point im not going to be here. I did tell him that.
If he had gone about this the right way and been okay he might have been able to have her alone for like half an hour. But quite frankly he's shot himself in the foot again!
I'm seeing his mum on Sunday and she's not inviting him as she's quite angry right now.
Stay strong Pickles, I am in a different place now than I was last year, (emotion wise) I had to cut off complete contact with myself and him, he was good at mind games and making me feel bad for him not seeing his DC, no contact works wonders.
It is different in Scotland and because he my boys biological father he can come take them whenever he wants (in the eyes of law) as he won't go to court, I can do nothing, I have WA involved, both dc go weekly for counseling and have 'safety plans' in place should the dad come and try to collect them, it isn't easy but I have sent him another Solicitors letter telling him to back off (phoning school, driving around, phoning my parents as he cannot contact me/us etc) or we take an injunction, if he doesn't back off and stop phoning the school etc, then we get an injunction, he will back off though, he always does, for 4/5 months then it all starts again.
Biggest piece of advise I can give you is to not see him at all. don't speak to him, change you number and get a Solicitor involved.
Best of luck x
Oh and my 999 nearby works wonders for me!
Keep contact very short such as 'if you wish to see DD contact centre only - we will not be home'...ignore any calls.
Best of luck
I'm a bit worried that "I will text when i am leaving" is a lie - an attempt to trick you to stay at home 'til he has actually arrived. Have you gone out yet? I think you should, asap.
I know I am sounding slightly paranoid. But he's obviously not good at taking 'no' for an answer. I'd just play it safe and stay well away today...
He is defo at work until 12 I've a friend there .
I really don't think he will go to my parents but we are out from 10 anyway a friend is doing brunch then shopping if my nerves can take if
If your nerves can't take it (I can't stand Christmas shopping, even without a small baby!) there are always cafes, soft play centres, a nearby Children's Centre (some of them have cafes/drop ins)...
Congratulations on staying strong.
SIL, when she was having problems with her exdh and contact with their two kids a) went ex-directory with her home phone number (changing it obviously) and withholds the number and b) got a new mobile phone and kept the old one purely for contact with her ex. It would switched on while the kids were with him and switched off at all other times. (this was also useful later when there was pre-arranged phone contact with the kids).
ALL other contact was via the solicitors.
I recommend you do the same. That way, his ability to try to control and bully you is minimised.
Another idea Pickles, I don't know if this has been suggested but write everything down, if it does go to court you may need it all, even what he says when he texts, if he emails, just date it, jot it down and it builds a picture should you need to go to court.
You shouldn't have to leave your house but to begin with it is the best, so you don't get upset. I just double lock my doors now, it's no way to live really but I am sure I will have some ending to my life soon
Mine used to text this we would leave, then he wouldn't turn up.
Yes just to re-iterate change that number and never give in, I have 5 land line numbers from last year, now the only people to have it me, (no idea what it is only on last week), I wouldn't even give my ex my email, it was bad enough when he had my address, he sent many people to my house
freak the only people who have my number are the schools and my parents and the police. My ex was constantly ringing my mums mobile for 3 weeks, few weeks back, sending messages such as 'you're dead' obviously he thought it was me
Don't be despondent if your solicitor is not helpful, many are not, just move on and find one who helps you. Best of luck.
Wanking that sounds awful- are you okay?
Pickles, please don't stay on your own, just in case he turns up. If you're meeting your friend later, can your mum keep you company for a bit?
And yes, if you've already told him its not convenient today, do not respond to any further contact from him. But make sure you log it.
Let us know how things go today. Xxx
I'm fine Pickles Stay strong and don't let this man get you down x
Seems to be a no show
His mum said she's tried to speak with him about this not being the way to do things
At least his mother appears to be being reasonable.
I'm glad he didn't turn up though. Long may it last!
Hope you're feeling OK?
So he really is all mouth and no trousers! .
Pleased for you that he didn't show, what a bully he is !
Remember to ignore any shitty texts he may send.
He's a mahoosive twat!
Hope you had a good day with Mini Pickles and friend.
long may it last
Watch out for horrid texts and emails, try (its hard) not to read them, just save and ignore. Go see Solicitor and have fun with baby Pickles.
Really glad he didn't turn up as rushed home and to docs as DD has a bug/cold. I did think it was mouth no trousers but it did scare me
That's his intention Pickles, intimidation. My ex still tries it, he would say he was coming to parents evenings and things but his g/friend didn't let him, he then had supervised access at my home, again his g/friend didn't like it (no wonder I don't blame her - he was trying to come back) Don't let him scare you. Hope your DD is okay!
Oh I am glad he didn't show up. Maybe he took you seriously
for a change when you said 'no'
Yay! He didn't show . Hopefully he is listening to his mother. I imagine he is annoyed at you for telling her the truth though (been there with ex's mum, she asked!) so be prepared for his reaction when he thinks she is off his back a bit more.
Agree that the best way forward is to see his silly messages for what they are; bullying by a stupid overgrown boy. If you can imagine him stomping his foot and whining them with his bottom lip sticking out, you should be able to laugh at them rather than feel intimidated. Just skim read them and forget any bits deliberately put in to get a reaction. My ex is a master of going v. quiet and then popping up with all sorts of horrid messages <expects a few after tribunal next week> and then says patronising things like "thank you for the nice tone of your message though, that was...refreshing" - after he has gone off on a rant, as if I am the one being bitter and angry all of the time! I may well have been angry when he left and I was pg and hormonal but it's amazing how responsible you get with emotions when you have a DC
that you actually look after
Ignore him and laugh at him, it's the best way forward.
celebratory glass of wine i think.
Poor DD has a nasty bug we went to the docs earlier.
Lots of mummy cuddles perscribed
Good luck with the solicitor tomorrow. Hope the wine helped.
I knew men were good for something - p'ing it down here and bin needs taking out
Do you ever or have you ever got that disapointed sinking feeling when an acquaintance with a OH or DH a announces either a pregnancy, engagement or both?
I do know it doesn't garuntee a happy
ending and I don't know their personal circs but oh... You know wish I could have had just 5 mins of being one of them. Just five sodding minutes.
Not a 'oh I'm pregnant, homeless and dumped'
I sound a right bitch
You don't sound like a bitch. He did you out of the happy stuff. Don't let him do you out of enjoying the baby and having a lovely life of you and the baby together.
Yes, I get the family envy. And in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder how many months/years until he does a runner I think when you have been treated so badly through something that is meant to be such an emotional and happy time of any woman's life, it is going to take a lot to have a balanced view on it for other people. I say balanced, but secretly believe I am right (see?)
I let him back after he initially left and endured 6 months of his crap. He was never happy and tried to spoil everything. He insulted my dad more than once, tried to spoil friendships, got so drunk he damaged a lot of my property and all the while emotionally abused me into thinking I was useless, boring and stupid. I hit rock bottom trying to keep it together, make that family. All it did was prolong the agony and make me weaker and sadder than I have ever been before. I don't have my mum any more, but I like to think she would have talked sense into me long before I let him back in my home to live with us.
Cherish what you have and don't risk your sanity or happiness for this man.
Let him stomp and fume. You don't need a father figure like that for your precious DD.
I think we all get jealous of something. I go everytime there's one of those "my MIL comes into my house and does all the cooking / cleaning and wants to look after my child all the time" threads. My MIL was fab, but died before we had children. We don't really have any support from family. There's always something.
Hope BabyPickles is a bit better this morning. It's horrid when they're ill at that age. They look at you with the sad face, expecting you to be able to make it all better!
Don't worry about those feels Pickles you are human, I am too, either that or I am a very bitter bitter person, actually I am a bit of both. Best of luck with Solicitor!!
It's just hard. Thank you for making me feel better x
It's normal to feel at times. I am happy for my sister that she is expecting her first baby in two months and happy for my brother, who has bought his first property with his girlfriend recently. But I am also a bit , as 7 weeks before I found out he was leaving me for an O.W., I was talking about trying for another baby and seeing if we could finally get a mortgage... It's only human, pickles.
Very normal Pickles, of your ex and new g/friend? and because of situation?
If yes to any of the above believe me he will not have changed over night with a new g/friend. I detest my ex but somewhere deep way down inside I become thinking of 'what we could have had' and occasionally 'did have'.
In reality he is an abuser, abusing his new g/friends, all her and his latest child are in care because of him.
Believe me it sounds as though you are better off out of this relationship, you will greave for him I did and still do, I was with my dcs erm... sperm donor for over 15 years, so I have a few memories, nice ones, but together we were awful and I am happier now than I was anytime I was with him, and so are my dc, you will be one day too, promise. It does get easier in time, have you thought about counselling?
I had eight sessions and then saw a team for PND but it all stopped around 4 weeks ago.
He started up again.
My doc is on it again though and I should start again next week.
Solicitor was very helpful and will help me but it's almost so sad that it has had to go that far as a few weeks ago he wanted to try again. And now it's so final.
Then went back to her. She is okay in her own way but I know deep down she's vulnerable too.
I know everyone is right I know that. It's just so so painful.
I truely thought he was the one for me. When we met I can't describe it I just knew. I even emailed my friend saying it. And now...well
His ex did email me whilst I was pregnant and he destroyed her too. I told her nothing- she wrote all his
Lines in a email and told me all about her counselling and ADs, made me realise it's not just me.
I'm not what he says i am, but there's something about me as a person- I doubt myself and give people the benefit of doubt over and over again.
Final is scary, but it also means a new start.
Had 2 glasses of tonight (and I never drink alone!) because I had a letter from Court re our tribunal next week - his 'evidence' from his father. Very spiteful stuff, saying I am mentally troubled poisonous, and have been harassing his son . Also I have tried to make more out of our relationship than there was an took advantage of ex! Been through a lot of today. Have decided to go to docs to ask for counselling myself on Monday as I have managed, just, without but this is just too much. I feel hunted, hated and he is making me doubt myself all over again.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your post, but these men sound all the same. They pop up angry, make you feel crap, blame you for everything and think you should do their bidding whenever it suits them. The fact I have never even met ex's dad (lives abroad) makes it worse as he is clearly going on what his son is saying. At least you know your ex's mum is decent and may help.
I wish he had never made us go through all of this and would just be a decent human being and pay for his child. There it is though, you WANT them to do the right thing, but they never cease to amaze you at how far they will go to be the opposite!
Sorry meant to say as well, ex's ex also emailed me and told me he was the most selfish man she had ever met. I wish I had listened!
You are young and clever and can get past this. You have your lovely dd. You have been through A LOT in the last year - it is no wonder your emotions are all over the place. Please take some time FOR YOU. Deal with the twunt through official channels only. Stop the guilt. None of this is your fault. Let your parents help as much as they can. Twunt's mum sounds like an ally - but I would be cautious there. IGNORE what he says. If he was any kind of decent person and good judge of character he would not be behaving in the way he is.
At his parents.
He's not here but they think he's fucking super ducking dad.
It's it bad that I'm getting enjoyment out of dd screaming at them?
They are saying nice things about him to try to assure you he will be good with DD. They are probably trying to convince themselves as much as you, so don't take it personally. Misguided attempt to bring you all closer I think.
Try to avoid picking holes but if they start reinventing the past I would personally calmly explain the truth. Ex mum once said 'but DD was never in any harm by him and he would never drink around her, I am sure' and I decided to point out that yes she was (eg: left her lying on landing while he had a shower - we have a bouncer in the bathroom FFS) and was drunk EVERY DAY for the last 4 months of our relationship. She didn't like it and seemed quite embarrassed. In short they don't know how he was with you a he will have done his level best to keep it from them.
Oh he's turned up.
He's being really nice. I'm about to leave because i still love him
Don't fall for his Nice Twat persona Pickles!
Remember how he's treated you and Mini Pickle.
You're pretty impressive, Pickles!
Dear Pickles, skimmed your thread so not sure totally of where you are at. But do talk to HV as well as GP, see if there are baby groups near you - even the smily happy sorts (NCT) might be able to point you in direction of more support for yourself.
Try Gingerbread or other single parents sites. Also, please, please find out if a local WA centre or similar near you and also Freedom Programme.
I was with abusive ex when my DS was tiny, it was hell and isolated and all sorts of crap. But now I've got lots of little bits of different support and it's brilliant.
You and mini pickle are doing fine, give yourself a star or note down one good thing you achieved each day. Sounds stupid, but it can work - anything from did the washing up or managed to wash the clothes and hang them up in the morning or had a lovely cup of coffee. Concentrate on the good stuff. Keep posting, the power of MN is with you.
Impressive isn't a word id use
Why are you at his parents? Sounds to me like they set you right up, his mum being all lovely and everything. Oh yes, get you to trust HER and oh look up he pops. And of course he is being lovely in front of his PARENTS.
You need to stop engaging with them AT ALL - she obviously cannot be trusted either. See a solicitor and get all contact organised and legalised.
Yes, I think the same as Panto here. I am positive my ex would have possibly walked on water if his parents had been around to witness it.
It isn't who they are, it is who they want you to see. What you fell for all that time ago. But you know better, you have seen behind the curtain.
Stay strong Pickles, and no more talk of infatuation being love. He is manipulating you again. Keep strong.
You may love him still. It is heartbreaking. But the sooner you see him and his family for the manipulative wankers they are, the better. I remember when the love of my life dumped me - I could barely get out of bed. The pain was physical. I do understand how you feel. But you have dd to think of. You have to be strong.
If it helps - I recently found a naff video of my ex love, talking of pensions on the internet. How I laughed and did not recognise that person that broke my heart. Even his hair made me laugh. You will get there, but you have to stop seeing them all til this is sorted.
PRomise I'm on it another meeting with family law expert weds.
Made me laugh he goes oh ill come and see her in the week I was like we will see. I'm leaving now.
And off I went x
Saw this on another thread and it struck a chord with me - may help explain your feelings for him
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