DP on lads holiday?(191 Posts)
I'm 22 and my DP is 26. We have been together for 2.5 years and lived together for 2 years.
Next year my DP wanted to go on holiday with his mates during term time (I'm a teacher so can only go on holidays during school holidays.) I said I didn't mind as long as it wasn't a stereotypical 18-30 clubbing place. It makes me really uncomfortable to think of him going to one of those places, I think he's too old for it and it's embarrasing for both me and himself. Also I know what his friends are like, they don't actively hate me but it's not like they're my friends at all and all the people he are going with are single and the type that would egg him on to do stupid stuff. I don't think he would cheat on me and he never has before or anything, but I think that there is a definitely a strong chance that he would push the boundaries of what would upset me. Plus despite all of that I would really miss him if he went away for as long as a week. We were apart for a week about 6 months after we first got together and when he came back he said he missed me so much he wouldn't go again, that's obviously not how he feels anymore!!
he is insisting of going to one of these places as they're 'so much cheaper' and it's 'not fair on anyone else if they have to pay more'. At first I wasn't happy with him going on holiday at all but then I conceded, but now he is determined to go to one of these places I'm really upset. He says he is booking it anyway, I'm embarrassing him and that I'm being really unreasonable.
Well the question is... AIBU? Whatever happens I will never change being upset that he is going and the week that he is there will be absolutely awful, but I guess if enough people that weren't his idiotic mates thought I was being stupid maybe I would try to make the effort to pretend that I'm not upset about it at least. So any answers appreciated.......
I think you sound a bit odd TBH. It is only for a week, two at the most. Why would you feel embarrassed by him going to an 18-30 place. He isn't too old.
Let him go, you can have a week or two away with your mates. My DH is a teacher, I let him go off for an annual two week jolly with his mates. He is 54 BTW.
If he wants to cheat, or do something you'd disapprove of, he'll do it in Little Whinging or wherever you live.
You sound rather needy to me. A week without him isn't going to kill you. You don't have children, he hasn't cheated on you and you don't think he will, so I don't see what your problem is. And why is it "embarrassing" for you?
I would send him off with good grace or he might decide he'd rather be single.
I'd kill for DP to go on a lads week away! I love him but I love a break too
I think you're a bit OTT with this, especially missing him so much that he can't spend a week away?! Really?! Are you attached at the hip?
And the clue is in the name, 18-30, he's 26. Why is it up to you to decide where he can and cannot go? That's very stifling and being honest I'd leave DP if he tried to tell me where I was/wasn't allowed to go!
Also, a cheat is a cheat at the end of the day. If his friends 'egg him on' it doesn't matter, it's still his decision to push those boundaries. Mark the boundaries before he goes and if he pushes or breaks them it's his fault, not his mates.
Sorry but you sound controlling and very insecure. He is a grown man and he does not need your permission to go on holidays. Also you have no right to dictate where he and his friends choose to holiday. Why would you think you do?? It is all very odd behaviour.
I do think it's your problem to be honest and you shouldn't be projecting it onto your DP.
You've both settled down at a young age and after only being together for 6 months.
Both of you should be 'allowed' a week's holiday with friends without being handcuffed to each other.
I can understand the it's not great being the one at home working, whilst your partner goes on a fun holiday but Yabu.
It depends, is he foregoing a holiday with you in order to go away with his friends? If you are a having a holiday as a couple too then I don't see a problem, I would say yanbu if you had children but you don't , also, would he be happy for you to have a holiday with your friends on a 18-30 holiday? His attitude to that would be very telling.
My DD is the same age as you, I tell her the same thing.
Presumably you have lots of weeks off when he can't take time off, so make sure you go somewhere you fancy with your friends.
Yes but even if he was forgoing a holiday with the OP
They're not married, they're still young, they've got no kids.
There's no law that says he absolutely must go in holiday with the OP in order to be 'allowed' a week away with friends.
Oh come on, everyone! OK the OP isn't being completely reasonable, but those 18-30 holidays are known for drinking and shagging! Surely none of you would want your husband going off on one of them.
OP, do you worry that he wants a single life? All his friends are single and you are not friends with them - is that difficult? Do you go out with them all or does he go out on his own?
While I think it's good for everyone to have their own friends, it's also good if the majority of your friends are friends of you both. It says something if his best friends are people you can't stand or vice versa.
He is still very young, as are you. Do you think you are settling down too early? Do you think he thinks that?
I agree with Imperial.
I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go on a lads holiday - but - 18-30?
I don't know what they are like now, but they used to involve drunkedness, and nudity (their pool parties for example).
Fine if you're single, but I wouldn't want anyone I was with to go on one.
Trust is one thing, and sure people can cheat anywhere, but going somewhere where there are lots of singles, getting plastered, and copping off - well I'd be concerned.
OP I'm with Imperial too. You hedge around the "dont think he'd cheat" bit, but honestly, what is "pushing the boundaries"? It's cheating isn't it? Maybe not shagging, but not being faithful. I think you think he's going to cheat on you. And to be honest, if he's going off with a bunch of single mates on an 18 - 30 holiday I would think that too.
So decide if you can live with it or not (I wouldn't, but I'm not you). But if you're looking for a soul mate, it doesn't look like you've found it with him.
YABU and needy sorry.
My DP is a teacher. I have been on holiday without him and he has been on holiday without me. I really wasn't bothered (I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go on that particular holiday) and neither was he.
But we also don't have all the same friends and don't do everything together because we enjoy our independence and having something to talk about other than the mundane.
YABVU, he's certainly not too old and isn't joined to you at the hip so why shouldnt he spend time with his friends. You sound very needy and controlling, does he tell you what you can and cant do?
I think I'd be the same as the OP here - although I wouldn't tell my OH he couldn't go, I'd just raise my eyebrows at the suggestion of an 18-30 holiday. He'd say himself that he didn't want to go.
We are around the same age as you, OP, too - slightly younger, but we've been together for nearly 6 years and lived together for 3.5.
If he wants to go, you can't stop him, really. I wouldn't recommend making him choose, but that's because it won't put your relationship on the best footing before he goes, and I'd resent being put in that position.
I share your discomfort that he's in a committed relationship but is choosing to go on a holiday that is for single people, and has such a terrible reputation. I wonder how he'd feel about you going?
Tell him that you've changed your mind, and he can go, because some single girls from work are planning a similar holiday and you are going to go. And then actually go on holiday with your friends. It might be a good idea to spend more time with them, because his arguments suggest frustration with being in a relationship - whether that's because his friends don't get on with you or because they are single is impossible to tell, but usually if you don't get on with each others' friends it's a very bad omen.
Good luck. It's true that anyone can cheat anywhere, but he's actively surrounding himself with young, drunk and quite possibly naked people, and I'm not sure that wanting that is a good idea. Yes, he'll resist temptation if he wants too, but I'd be more concerned that he doesn't seem to want too.
Apologies if this makes no sense, I've got a whopping headache!
you sound like a teenager sorry but you do I cant be away from him he might do this or that he is 26 he can go away on holiday without you if he wants, you really cant expect him to behave the way you want him too you love him you don't need to change him to fit into your idea of what is acceptable behaviour
OP - it sounds like you need to reassess your relationship? Maybe the two of you want different things?
You should be able to trust your partner to go on holiday and 'behave' as if he has a partner at home, has he blindly followed his friends before or does he have a mind of his own? 18-30s structured holidays do not exist as they used to after resorts began to crack down, but in a party of people you do not necessarily need structured events to get drunk/shag etc. hell that behaviour is possible in town centres up and down the country.
My husband and I are in our 30s and still go on party holidays together and separately. It is possible to do so without cheating/ behaving badly.
I guess you will resent him if he goes and he will resent you if he doesn't. Plus his friends may ignite the situation if they know why he cannot go. OP you are both young and should be able to do/ live in your comfort zone. You both want different tons it seems.
Imperial: I wouldn't mind if DP went on one of those holidays to be completely honest (and I do know what the main purpose of them is!), because I trust him not to do anything even if his friends were egging him on. He'd tell them to get lost the same as I would to mine and he wouldn't get so shitfaced that he doesn't know what he's doing. Most of his friends at uni are 18-21 and living the student life so we are faced with the egging on and single, fun loving friends often (he's 24, I'm 23).
But we've discussed this rationally, talked about each other's feelings if we were to go on one of these holidays with mates and discussed boundaries and what we are happy for the other to do/not do in detail. Which it doesn't sound as though the OP has really done.
We're not even planning one of these holidays and we have actually discussed it, though the chances of either of us going on one are slim tbh.
Lots of partners work away for weeks on end. Mine does. Tours may have to in the future.
Op he can shag anywhere, anytime if he so desires.
You are alienating him by this attitude and sulks and he may decide he's better off single.
If you are this controlling then think that's why his mates aren't keen in you.
D'ya think she's packing his suitcase for him? she never came back............
Sorry but you do sound a bit needy. If he is going to cheat he will do it anyway, it won't make a difference if he is abroad or on a night out here. Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't then its not right anyway.
Get a hobby. You are too young to devote yourself to being a clingy whinyarse whose life revolves around Hanging On to Your Man.
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