DP on lads holiday?

(191 Posts)
ukipjr2008 Sun 25-Nov-12 14:20:32

I'm 22 and my DP is 26. We have been together for 2.5 years and lived together for 2 years.

Next year my DP wanted to go on holiday with his mates during term time (I'm a teacher so can only go on holidays during school holidays.) I said I didn't mind as long as it wasn't a stereotypical 18-30 clubbing place. It makes me really uncomfortable to think of him going to one of those places, I think he's too old for it and it's embarrasing for both me and himself. Also I know what his friends are like, they don't actively hate me but it's not like they're my friends at all and all the people he are going with are single and the type that would egg him on to do stupid stuff. I don't think he would cheat on me and he never has before or anything, but I think that there is a definitely a strong chance that he would push the boundaries of what would upset me. Plus despite all of that I would really miss him if he went away for as long as a week. We were apart for a week about 6 months after we first got together and when he came back he said he missed me so much he wouldn't go again, that's obviously not how he feels anymore!!

he is insisting of going to one of these places as they're 'so much cheaper' and it's 'not fair on anyone else if they have to pay more'. At first I wasn't happy with him going on holiday at all but then I conceded, but now he is determined to go to one of these places I'm really upset. He says he is booking it anyway, I'm embarrassing him and that I'm being really unreasonable.

Well the question is... AIBU? Whatever happens I will never change being upset that he is going and the week that he is there will be absolutely awful, but I guess if enough people that weren't his idiotic mates thought I was being stupid maybe I would try to make the effort to pretend that I'm not upset about it at least. So any answers appreciated.......

ripsishere Sun 25-Nov-12 14:25:54

I think you sound a bit odd TBH. It is only for a week, two at the most. Why would you feel embarrassed by him going to an 18-30 place. He isn't too old.
Let him go, you can have a week or two away with your mates. My DH is a teacher, I let him go off for an annual two week jolly with his mates. He is 54 BTW.

Euphemia Sun 25-Nov-12 14:28:32

YABU.

If he wants to cheat, or do something you'd disapprove of, he'll do it in Little Whinging or wherever you live.

ilovesooty Sun 25-Nov-12 14:31:17

You sound rather needy to me. A week without him isn't going to kill you. You don't have children, he hasn't cheated on you and you don't think he will, so I don't see what your problem is. And why is it "embarrassing" for you?

I would send him off with good grace or he might decide he'd rather be single.

I'd kill for DP to go on a lads week away! I love him but I love a break too grin

I think you're a bit OTT with this, especially missing him so much that he can't spend a week away?! Really?! Are you attached at the hip?

And the clue is in the name, 18-30, he's 26. Why is it up to you to decide where he can and cannot go? That's very stifling and being honest I'd leave DP if he tried to tell me where I was/wasn't allowed to go!

Also, a cheat is a cheat at the end of the day. If his friends 'egg him on' it doesn't matter, it's still his decision to push those boundaries. Mark the boundaries before he goes and if he pushes or breaks them it's his fault, not his mates.

Jalopeno Sun 25-Nov-12 14:36:14

Sorry but you sound controlling and very insecure. He is a grown man and he does not need your permission to go on holidays. Also you have no right to dictate where he and his friends choose to holiday. Why would you think you do?? It is all very odd behaviour.

WorraLiberty Sun 25-Nov-12 14:36:21

I do think it's your problem to be honest and you shouldn't be projecting it onto your DP.

You've both settled down at a young age and after only being together for 6 months.

Both of you should be 'allowed' a week's holiday with friends without being handcuffed to each other.

MadameCreeper Sun 25-Nov-12 14:38:35

I can understand the it's not great being the one at home working, whilst your partner goes on a fun holiday but Yabu.

BelaLugosisShed Sun 25-Nov-12 14:46:19

It depends, is he foregoing a holiday with you in order to go away with his friends? If you are a having a holiday as a couple too then I don't see a problem, I would say yanbu if you had children but you don't , also, would he be happy for you to have a holiday with your friends on a 18-30 holiday? His attitude to that would be very telling.
My DD is the same age as you, I tell her the same thing.

Euphemia Sun 25-Nov-12 14:46:29

Presumably you have lots of weeks off when he can't take time off, so make sure you go somewhere you fancy with your friends. smile

WorraLiberty Sun 25-Nov-12 14:50:19

Yes but even if he was forgoing a holiday with the OP

They're not married, they're still young, they've got no kids.

There's no law that says he absolutely must go in holiday with the OP in order to be 'allowed' a week away with friends.

ImperialBlether Sun 25-Nov-12 14:55:31

Oh come on, everyone! OK the OP isn't being completely reasonable, but those 18-30 holidays are known for drinking and shagging! Surely none of you would want your husband going off on one of them.

OP, do you worry that he wants a single life? All his friends are single and you are not friends with them - is that difficult? Do you go out with them all or does he go out on his own?

While I think it's good for everyone to have their own friends, it's also good if the majority of your friends are friends of you both. It says something if his best friends are people you can't stand or vice versa.

He is still very young, as are you. Do you think you are settling down too early? Do you think he thinks that?

Tamisara Sun 25-Nov-12 15:27:17

I agree with Imperial.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go on a lads holiday - but - 18-30?

I don't know what they are like now, but they used to involve drunkedness, and nudity (their pool parties for example).

Fine if you're single, but I wouldn't want anyone I was with to go on one.

Trust is one thing, and sure people can cheat anywhere, but going somewhere where there are lots of singles, getting plastered, and copping off - well I'd be concerned.

EmmelineGoulden Sun 25-Nov-12 15:30:25

OP I'm with Imperial too. You hedge around the "dont think he'd cheat" bit, but honestly, what is "pushing the boundaries"? It's cheating isn't it? Maybe not shagging, but not being faithful. I think you think he's going to cheat on you. And to be honest, if he's going off with a bunch of single mates on an 18 - 30 holiday I would think that too.

So decide if you can live with it or not (I wouldn't, but I'm not you). But if you're looking for a soul mate, it doesn't look like you've found it with him.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 25-Nov-12 15:30:34

YABU and needy sorry.

My DP is a teacher. I have been on holiday without him and he has been on holiday without me. I really wasn't bothered (I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go on that particular holiday) and neither was he.

But we also don't have all the same friends and don't do everything together because we enjoy our independence and having something to talk about other than the mundane.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 25-Nov-12 15:37:15

YABVU, he's certainly not too old and isn't joined to you at the hip so why shouldnt he spend time with his friends. You sound very needy and controlling, does he tell you what you can and cant do?

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 25-Nov-12 15:42:46

I think I'd be the same as the OP here - although I wouldn't tell my OH he couldn't go, I'd just raise my eyebrows at the suggestion of an 18-30 holiday. He'd say himself that he didn't want to go.

We are around the same age as you, OP, too - slightly younger, but we've been together for nearly 6 years and lived together for 3.5.

If he wants to go, you can't stop him, really. I wouldn't recommend making him choose, but that's because it won't put your relationship on the best footing before he goes, and I'd resent being put in that position.

I share your discomfort that he's in a committed relationship but is choosing to go on a holiday that is for single people, and has such a terrible reputation. I wonder how he'd feel about you going?

Tell him that you've changed your mind, and he can go, because some single girls from work are planning a similar holiday and you are going to go. And then actually go on holiday with your friends. It might be a good idea to spend more time with them, because his arguments suggest frustration with being in a relationship - whether that's because his friends don't get on with you or because they are single is impossible to tell, but usually if you don't get on with each others' friends it's a very bad omen.

Good luck. It's true that anyone can cheat anywhere, but he's actively surrounding himself with young, drunk and quite possibly naked people, and I'm not sure that wanting that is a good idea. Yes, he'll resist temptation if he wants too, but I'd be more concerned that he doesn't seem to want too.

Apologies if this makes no sense, I've got a whopping headache!

Mrsjay Sun 25-Nov-12 15:45:23

you sound like a teenager sorry but you do I cant be away from him he might do this or that he is 26 he can go away on holiday without you if he wants, you really cant expect him to behave the way you want him too you love him you don't need to change him to fit into your idea of what is acceptable behaviour

Lifeasafish Sun 25-Nov-12 16:08:03

OP - it sounds like you need to reassess your relationship? Maybe the two of you want different things?

You should be able to trust your partner to go on holiday and 'behave' as if he has a partner at home, has he blindly followed his friends before or does he have a mind of his own? 18-30s structured holidays do not exist as they used to after resorts began to crack down, but in a party of people you do not necessarily need structured events to get drunk/shag etc. hell that behaviour is possible in town centres up and down the country.

My husband and I are in our 30s and still go on party holidays together and separately. It is possible to do so without cheating/ behaving badly.

I guess you will resent him if he goes and he will resent you if he doesn't. Plus his friends may ignite the situation if they know why he cannot go. OP you are both young and should be able to do/ live in your comfort zone. You both want different tons it seems.

Lifeasafish Sun 25-Nov-12 16:08:45

Things, different things.

Imperial: I wouldn't mind if DP went on one of those holidays to be completely honest (and I do know what the main purpose of them is!), because I trust him not to do anything even if his friends were egging him on. He'd tell them to get lost the same as I would to mine and he wouldn't get so shitfaced that he doesn't know what he's doing. Most of his friends at uni are 18-21 and living the student life so we are faced with the egging on and single, fun loving friends often (he's 24, I'm 23).

But we've discussed this rationally, talked about each other's feelings if we were to go on one of these holidays with mates and discussed boundaries and what we are happy for the other to do/not do in detail. Which it doesn't sound as though the OP has really done.

We're not even planning one of these holidays and we have actually discussed it, though the chances of either of us going on one are slim tbh.

thebody Sun 25-Nov-12 16:34:00

Lots of partners work away for weeks on end. Mine does. Tours may have to in the future.

Op he can shag anywhere, anytime if he so desires.

You are alienating him by this attitude and sulks and he may decide he's better off single.

If you are this controlling then think that's why his mates aren't keen in you.

ripsishere Sun 25-Nov-12 22:55:11

D'ya think she's packing his suitcase for him? she never came back............

missymoomoomee Sun 25-Nov-12 22:59:13

Sorry but you do sound a bit needy. If he is going to cheat he will do it anyway, it won't make a difference if he is abroad or on a night out here. Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't then its not right anyway.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sun 25-Nov-12 23:04:18

Get a hobby. You are too young to devote yourself to being a clingy whinyarse whose life revolves around Hanging On to Your Man.

TakingBackMonday Sun 25-Nov-12 23:33:07

YANBU

I was in a similar situ, both 2 years older. It wasn't that I didn't want him to go away, the time wasn't a problem, trust wasnt, it was the nature of the holiday.

I just knew I don't want to be with the sort of man who in his late 20s wanted to go somewhere so tacky. My issue, not his, but I found it embarrassing to be with someone who wanted to go on a 'lads' holiday - I don't want a lad, I want a mature, cultured, interesting man.

I ended it. Not for this, because he was generally an abusive arse, but this was a contributing factor.

ihavenonameonhere Mon 26-Nov-12 04:05:33

The OP is not saying he was going to go on a 18-30 holiday, just that sort of place so basically somewhere like Magaluf which seems reasonable as the lads arent really going to want to go Amalfi or somwhere like that!!

The chances are the days will go, full english at lunchtime, followed by getting burnt on the beach followed by 12 hours of drinking in the pub. Leave him to it, ask him to give you a call everyday if that makes you feel better smile

My fella works away 6 days and 4 nights a week, not idea but thats life. Soon he will be away for 2 weeks at a time!

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 04:29:01

OP

it all really boils down to one thing. either you trust him or you dont. only you can answer that question. if you think he will push the boundaries and do things he knows you wont like then you dont trust him and shouldn't be commiting anymore of your future to him.

if you trust him then you trust him and you wouldn't be worried about him going into a room full of naked women everyday for the rest of his life.

mortimersraven Mon 26-Nov-12 04:45:08

I would put my foot down on this one. But you may find he decides to go anyway. If you say no and he goes anyway, is it a dealbreaker?

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 04:48:41

putting your foot down is what toddlers do when they've been told they cant have their own way. adults talk and reach an agreement.

PurplePidjin Mon 26-Nov-12 05:16:23

Yabu because you clearly don't trust him and it's causing you to infantilise him, against which he's rebelling. Childish all round.

I'd have given a limb to have been able to afford to send dp off for a couple of days with his mates before ds arrived sad

SomersetONeil Mon 26-Nov-12 05:46:24

There's a reason most people don't settle down aged 22. Or 26 for the matter. There's too much fun to be had in your 20s. And all the rest of your life - decades and decades - to do domesticated contentment.

Let him go. If he's decent, you've nothing to worry about. If he cheats, well, he was't the one for you anyway. You break up, you move on. You're 22. Your whole life is ahead of you. smile

SomersetONeil Mon 26-Nov-12 05:48:26

'Let him go' - sorry, appalling choice of words. Wave him off. And expect him to wave you off in return when you get a chance for a holiday with friends.

Basically, enjoy the peace while he's gone.

MrsBW Mon 26-Nov-12 06:50:45

YABU totally unreasonable to whine about him going away for a week. It's a week FFS, man up. Last time my husband went away, it was for a spell of 17 weeks, followed by another of 10 weeks. He's also lived abroad for 2 years when we only saw each other for a snatched weekend every 3-6 weeks...stop being so needy.

As for the 18-30 thing... I think that comes down to he much you trust him. If he's going to cheat, he'll do it regardless of where he is. That being said, I wouldn't go on an 18-30 without my husband (and not just because I'm too old... It just wouldn't 'feel right').

MrsBW Mon 26-Nov-12 06:53:38

And if he's not going on an 18-30 (which are heavily geared up around drinking and sex) and just happens to be going somewhere lie Magaluf or Rhodes, then YADDDBU and I would think, at risk of being binned.

DeckSwabber Mon 26-Nov-12 07:26:49

I wouldn't like it either if I'm honest but I'd let him go. After two days of 'freedom' he'll be bored sick of having a hangover and having to wake up to everyone else's hangover, and they'll have run out of pub talk. On the last night they'll have a brilliant time because they are all so pleased to be going home.

givemeaclue Mon 26-Nov-12 07:42:55

Yabu. You don't own him he is 26 let him go without. You sulking over it. The "can't be apart for a week" thing is immature and tedious. Grown ups with real grown up relationships don't behave like that. Only allowing him to go away to destinations you approve is ridiculous.

Why do you not like his friends?
Why do they hate you?

exoticfruits Mon 26-Nov-12 07:53:24

It seems to me that you have already asked him not to, presumably with reasons, and he has said that he is going anyway. You only have 2 choices, accept it or finish it.
You are both very young. I would think that it is good to do things apart and I would get to know his friends. Either you can trust him or you can't and it is better to find out sooner than later.

RosieBooBoo Mon 26-Nov-12 08:07:23

If you really trusted him, this wouldnt be an issue. i went on a girls holiday 3 years into my realyionship i was the only one who wasnt single. I did not cheat or 'push any bounderies'. And it was an 18-30 type place, your DP is right they are the cheapest places to go. TBH if my DP had gave me the type of shit your giving your partner about a weeks holiday with friends i would have probably ended the relationship. I also believe that if the situation was reversed you would get pages and pages of leave the bastard...

Morloth Mon 26-Nov-12 08:22:04

I don't really understand all this 'put my foot down' or 'let him go' business when talking about another adult.

OP, if you have said you would rather he didn't go and told him why and he has decided he would rather go you have two choices.

You can say fine, don't bother coming back or you can say, see you when you are done.

Either you trust him or you don't, it does sound like you are both in quite different places as far as the relationship goes and you need to sort that out, like grown ups.

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 08:45:56

I dont get this put your foot down thing either it baffles me, confused really he is a grown up and seems reasonable to want to go away with his friends the op will be at work (not that it matters) it doesn't impact on any of their plans or life, It is just the OP insecurities that are holding her back, he will go on holiday get sun burned get pissed come home, and if he cheats well you know he isn't the man for you, he could cheat and not be on holiday, unless you know where he is 24/7 that is,

YABU. Everyone has expressed my views already.

chrome100 Mon 26-Nov-12 09:12:15

Hy

Yanbu. I remember being in your situ when I was your age. I hated it. I think he is being unreasonable to go on such a hol when he is in a serious relationship. 26 is too old for these type of hols IMO. There's not much you can do about it though. It's his choice.

mortimersraven Mon 26-Nov-12 10:20:39

What I mean is, if I really didn't want my DP to go on an 18-30s holiday, I would tell him so plainly. I don't see why that makes me a toddler.

If it really meant that much to me, I'd say, 'I don't want you to go'. For X/Y/Z reasons. If he wanted to go I'm sure we would have a discussion, and as part of that why shouldn't I be frank about it if that's the way I felt?

I wouldn't want my DP to go on one of these holidays, because I think a they're strange and unconstructive way to spend your time, and therefore a waste of money. There are some things that are over the line in my opinion, and this is one of them. Every healthy adult relationship has some boundaries, this is one of ours. I'm sure yours may be different, but it doesn't make ours wrong, just right for us.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 10:23:04

I think a they're strange and unconstructive way to spend your time

It's a holiday, why does it have to be 'constructive'? confused

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 26-Nov-12 10:23:43

tbh OP it would annoy me too

why does he want to go somewhere like that, 18 - 30 holidays are notorious for being holidays so people can get drunk and shag , i wouldn't be happy if dh wanted to do this, but then we are married with kids

but OTOH i do think you sound a bit needy, you are only young, and if you try and stop him going he will only resent you

and as others have said, if he is going to cheat he will do it wherever he is tbh

FredFredGeorge Mon 26-Nov-12 10:24:56

The DP didn't want to go on an 18-30 holiday? The OP just said not to an 18-30 type place e.g. ibiza resorts etc. So the OP would be fine if he went to a naice villa in Tuscany, or yak herding in Mongolia, but not if he went to Falariki - despite the fact it would almost certainly be a fraction of the cost to go to the resort.

The OP is being Unreasonable, but most people have said that anyway.

mortimersraven Mon 26-Nov-12 10:28:35

I think getting shitfaced and naked with strangers round the pool while your DP is elsewhere is fairly abysmal. Getting shitfaced at the bar and naked together with your DP in the hotel room is another thing. It's my opinion. You're totally welcome to another opinion. What does this have to do with the OP? She said any answers appreciated so hopefully she can see where I'm coming from, even if the rest of you can't.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 10:31:16

Does one have to get 'shit faced and naked' in order to visit somewhere like Ibiza with friends?

The mind boggles

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 10:32:14

No way on gods earth would DP go away with his single mates!

Even though I know DP wouldn't cheat, it's not a place for a man in a relationship to go, hundereds of slaggy girls in tiny clothes getting really drunk. No way jose.

I can't believe the amount of people think this is clingy? i'm 22 too, maybe as you get older you start to care less?

mortimersraven Mon 26-Nov-12 10:34:06

No! Of course not <slaps face emoticon>

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 10:34:58

i've been to 18-30 type places twice with a friend who wasn't single either time. we never once got shitfaced or naked round the pool , nor did anyone else at either of the hotels we stayed at. and one of the hotels was really shit, no rules, drugs everywhere, vomit on the stairs but still no nakedness or shitfaced at the pool (or in the public areas of the hotel).

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Nov-12 10:35:00

I'm 24 and think this is very clingy.

Snorbs Mon 26-Nov-12 10:37:08

"maybe as you get older you start to care less?"

Or maybe as you get older you just grow up.

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 10:37:48

margey what is the problem with girls (i wont use that other word you did!) in tiny clothes getting drunk if you know your dp wont cheat?

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 10:38:21

Even though I know DP wouldn't cheat, it's not a place for a man in a relationship to go, hundereds of slaggy girls in tiny clothes getting really drunk

How lovely Marge hmm

And if you 'know' your DP wouldn't cheat, why would you have a problem with the 'slaggy' girls?

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 10:40:04

At the end of the day a cheat is a cheat is a cheat.

If they're going to be unfaithful it doesn't matter if they're skiing at Cloisters or sunbathing naked in the Costa Del Sol.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Nov-12 10:42:52

Didn't there used to be a programme on television filming men and women on group holidays in Ibiza or somewhere similar?

There was always one or two of the group who looked on whilst their mates went on a pulling mission because they had girlfriends/boyfriends at home.

OP and Marge - how offended would you be if your DP's told you you couldn't go out with your friends because you might cheat? How controlling would that be?

A bloke doesn't need to go abroad to cheat anymore than a woman does. If they're going to cheat they could find a someone to cheat with at the coffee shop on their lunch breaks.

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 10:45:18

Or maybe as you get older you just grow up.

^ ^ this

and slaggy girls <shudder> seriouslymargey do you think girls who dress in itty bitty clothes are some sort of temptresses to lure away men,

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 10:46:49

Did you not read my post Alis? I said I KNOW he WOULDN'T cheat. But it's an environment a man should be in if he's so serious he's living with a woman? It's not an appropriate place

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 10:49:11

how is it not appropriate? confused

what makes it not appropriate? the women or the alcohol or the sunshine? because he can get all that during the summer in britain if he goes out with his mates.

FivesAndNorks Mon 26-Nov-12 10:50:04

" SomersetONeil

There's a reason most people don't settle down aged 22. Or 26 for the matter"

Think we may be hitting a north south divide here. I've been with Dh since 18, yes, young. But we married at 25 and started having children at 27, which was fairly standard among our groups of friends.

wigglesrock Mon 26-Nov-12 10:50:29

YABU, I've gone away with my sister to Ibiza shock, without my husband and my children [double shock ] before. He finds it difficult sometimes to get time off work - I didn't cheat, I had a fab time - I shopped, drank, sneaky smoked, sunbathed and talked, mind you I'm really old so maybe I'm a lot more confident in my relationship.

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 10:50:48

But it's an environment a man should be in if he's so serious he's living with a woman? It's not an appropriate place

what is an appropriate place for a man who is in a relationship not to go away with his friends or go golfing or something is that more appropriate , these holiday places are not for me personally but my dh has been on a stag do to a holiday resort they got drunk and came home hungover , I am sure there was a lot of girls going around with very little on,

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Nov-12 10:51:01

But...why isn't it appropriate? It's no less inappropriate than him going out to a couple of clubs/bars with his mates. There will still be drunk women who may or may not try it on with him.

Holidays like this have never appealed to me personally <boring face> but a lot of people enjoy them...and manage not to cheat on their partners.

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 10:53:01

rock have you even been to kavos/kos/ibiza. it is not like the uk, trust me.
Inhibitions are lowered to a scary level, because people are on holiday and feel free. I'm not saying these girls try and make men stray, i'm saying they couldn't give two shits if he's married with kids or single, because they probably won't even remember his name in the morning.

wigglesrock Mon 26-Nov-12 10:55:35

MargerySimpson Well its up to him to give two shiney shites if he's married surely.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Nov-12 10:56:27

Margey - a bloke could meet a woman like that in the supermarket. Women (and men) like that exist outside of Ibiza.

If my DP ever called in to question my ability to remain faithful,I would probably end it. Regardless of whether I was going to a bar,the shop or on holiday with a couple of friends.

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 10:58:55

yep was in ibiza (stayed right in the centre of St Antonio) in july and benidorm last summer. i know what it's like.

" i'm saying they couldn't give two shits if he's married with kids or single, because they probably won't even remember his name in the morning"

why on earth would that affect your DP? he's not a cheat so he wouldn't be there with them in the morning.

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 10:59:20

they couldn't give two shits if he's married with kids or single, because they probably won't even remember his name in the morning.

.. and your point is people do weird things on holiday and especially if they are single doesn't mean attached people will cheat .

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Mon 26-Nov-12 11:00:19

I wonder if this is a stage in the bloke's plan to escape from this clutching, bleating woman. Your 20s are a time for having fun, not for 'settling down', and the reason his friends don't like her is probably because even if he's only watching the football she's texting him every 10 minutes and if she actually comes to the pub she's the sort who follows him to the loo to make sure he doesn't look at other women.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 11:01:09

I think Margey is worried the 'slags' in little itty bitty clothing are going to jump out from behind a sand castle and pin 'her man' down....

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Nov-12 11:03:18

Worra grin <snigger>

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 11:04:27

I think Margey is worried the 'slags' in little itty bitty clothing are going to jump out from behind a sand castle and pin 'her man' down....

bet he wears lynx grin

AnaisB Mon 26-Nov-12 11:05:11

Yabu - if you trust him what's the problem. (And you don't get to decide what's embarassing for him.)

cutegorilla Mon 26-Nov-12 11:10:32

If the whole holiday is geared up to getting drunk and shagging then I can't think why someone would want to go if that's not what they want to do.

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 11:15:34

Wow no one on mumsnet can read can they? I said I know my DP wouldn't cheat, and that girls wouldn't care if he was married. Doesn't mean that he would sleep with them anyway, but I have no doubt that they would try. That's the whole point of those kind of holidays.

an eastern europe type drinking holiday i would be slightly less worried about (although my housemates at uni went on one and said strippers were very cheap?) because it's more centered around drinking, rather than the drinking and shagging of the 18-30's holidays (again, not that dp would shag around, but if I were to tell people DP had gone to budapest or kavos, I know what i'd be more embarassed about saying).

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 11:15:53

what cutegorilla said

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 11:17:45

margey what does it matter if they try? he wont cheat so they could stand naked infront of him and it wouldn't matter! how do you not get this?

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 11:20:38

and no, it's not the whole point. as i said i was there in the summer and last year too. my friend didn't cheat nor did i have sex with anyone (even though i'm single!) and we met with a group of 10 girls. 2 of them were in relationships and didn't cheat.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 11:25:19

The OP hasn't said he's going on an 18 - 30's holiday...

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 11:26:02

I do get it rock, I just think it's a stupid point. DP could be stood in a room full of women dying to tear his clothes off, just because he wouldn't do anything with them, doesn't make it okay! My DP wouldn't put himself in that kind of situation, because it's not fair on me, to think of him like that.

My point is, even if your experience was different, overall, most people go there to get drunk and have sex. MOST people, as in the majority of people there, not all.

JenaiMathis Mon 26-Nov-12 11:26:04

If someone has such a low opinion of their partner that they don't trust them to go on a holdaidy with firends, what one earth are they doing with them? confused

OP, I would seriously consider your relationship with this man, certainly before you have children with him. If he has any sense he's questioning it already tbh.

EuroShagmore Mon 26-Nov-12 11:27:17

YAB completely U. If you don't trust him, that's a broader problem with your relationship. If you do, then why would him going away for a week's holiday with friends be a problem?

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 11:28:44

so is your DP 'allowed' to go out with his mates at home margey?

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 11:30:37

i wouldn't be with someone who told me i couldn't go on holiday with friends to wherever i wanted to go. you either trust me or you dont. i dont accept "i trust you as far as the airport but not any further"

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 11:31:13

margey you really don't come across as though you trust your DP at all.

I know you say you do, but actually it sounds as though you just keep him away from those 'situations'.

If you trusted him you wouldn't give a shiny shit where he went on holiday, what type of women he was surrounded by and what they wore.

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 11:31:24

To be fair, we have a weird relationship. We met at uni, where I lived in a house with 9 lads, as the other girl we lived with dropped out of uni. So most of DP's lad mates are just as close to me as we all lived togehter for 3 years. so we've never been on holiday/clubbing without each other. Now as more of our friends have long term girlfriends, we all go to bars;/clubbing together and don't have lad's/girls holidays or nights out....

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 11:31:59

living with so many single lads, also taught me what happens on lads holidays!

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 11:35:12

maybe just living with a certain type of lads?

i know quite a lot of men in their 20's who just aren't cheaters, whether in the uk or in magaluf. also met some in benidorm that were on lads holidays but had girlfriends at home. they didn't cheat.

Pagwatch Mon 26-Nov-12 11:36:27

No Margey - living with single lads has taught you what single lads do on those holidays.
That is nothing to do with men in relationships.

Dh has gone away with mates every year since we were engaged when he was 20. He has managed to say no without slaggy girls managing to have their wicked way with him

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 11:37:18

The op said they were all single and were the type to 'egg him on'... so surely they are a certain type of lads, who attract a certain type of girl...

Fillybuster Mon 26-Nov-12 11:37:43

Where has the OP run off to?

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Nov-12 11:40:06

Yes...single lads Margery biscuit

I don't think meeting your DP at university makes the relationship particularly unusual. Nor is hanging out in large groups. All pretty normal in the great scheme of things.

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 11:40:09

i was talking about your DP margey.

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 11:40:09

or so you think pagwatch grin
god if there is no way i'd put up with DP wasting money on a lads holidays if me and DS were sat at home! every year, that's a bit excessive..

Pagwatch Mon 26-Nov-12 11:40:30

And?

What a woman does is not the point. Egging on or slaggy girls are not the point.

Or are you saying that you would have to avoid alcohol and pushy men or you would shag around?

A man is capable of saying no. Only a few of them have uncontrolable foraging peni incapable of refusing a larger, a mini skirt and a cry of 'get in there my son'.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Nov-12 11:41:14

I think OP is gone never to return.

Pagwatch Mon 26-Nov-12 11:41:50

Why? He goes away with his mates. I go to Pennyhill or Cliveden. I think I do better out of the deal but it's his choice.
[shrug]

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 11:43:01

I already said my DP wouldn't go on a lad's holiday, he has too much respect for me for a start. I don't think any of our friends have been on one since they were about 18/19 anyway. There's been a few stag do's to eastern europe in our friendship group but not to anywhere inbetweeners style

Pagwatch Mon 26-Nov-12 11:45:59

confused

I think you mean your DP has too much respect for your view of lads holidays. My DH has respect for me. I just don't mind him going away because I trust him

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 11:49:31

Well one look at the OPs name and I must admit, I very nearly didn't post on this thread.

Good to see she's taken the time to reply to everyone.

FWIW I think most posters would have a HUGE problem if their partners were to go on an 18-30s holiday with a group of single lads. Who wouldn't? Seriously?

This isn't about whether or not he would cheat, it's about the appropriateness of a holiday that largely caters for sex mad singletons. It's a bit like someone booking a naturist holiday but then trying to convince you that they wouldn't take their clothes off.
Why open yourself up to temptation? Presumably the lads he would be going with are free to do what the hell they please so what's he going to do? Go for long walks on the beach whilst they have fun in the hotel?

Of course he should be free to go on holiday with his friends. But if you are committed to one person, why would you then book a holiday where you know that temptation plus alcohol are going to be rife every single day and all your mates will be at it in front of you.

Dh went to Turkey for a week with a friend of ours. This friend was also single but he's a great friend of mine as well as dh's. They had a great time together - no kids, no worries!

I went the year after for a week in Croatia with my female friend. Both of us married but we spend a week with no husbands and no kids. Bliss.

I do think that the OP needs to question her partner's commitment to her if he insists on going. It could be that he's really not that keen anymore and is cowardly looking for ways out of the relationship. Perhaps he is hoping that she will break up with him? Or maybe he just wants to have his cake and eat it.

Either way, it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship.

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 11:52:40

temptation? temptation isn't an issue if you aren't a cheater.

squeakytoy Mon 26-Nov-12 12:00:45

"I said I know my DP wouldn't cheat"

Unless you have them by your side 24/7 then nobody can categorically state that their partner wouldnt cheat.

And cheating can happen anywhere, it doesnt have to be on a 18-30 holiday..

BelaLugosisShed Mon 26-Nov-12 12:01:26

"There's been a few stag do's to eastern europe in our friendship group" -

that is far , far worse than going away for some cheap booze and sunshine, most men only go on stag do's to Prague etc. for strip clubs and paid sexual encounters.

Partner going away to Spain/wherever with a group of friends, fine, partner going on Stag trip to Eastern Europe, no way in hell, that is one of the least respectful actions I can imagine.

Pagwatch Mon 26-Nov-12 12:01:49

My DP can't afford to cheat grin

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 12:04:45

May I be the first to suggest the OP has a Spa Weekend? grin

That'll learn the bastard and make everything better.

Pagwatch Mon 26-Nov-12 12:06:12

Hahahahaha at Worra grin

I think technically I may have already suggested that

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 12:06:20

Whether your partners are cheaters or not, consider this:

18-30's holidays openly encourage sexual games
They also encourage drinking games
The vast majority of people on that holiday will be young, single and looking for a good time
His friends are all single and so will be free to indulge in all sorts of activities

You could put the most faithful and loving guy in that situation and he'd have a hard time staying that way.

My dh has never ever given me any reason to doubt either but mix alcohol with pretty girls who have gorgeous bodies and are up for some fun and I really wouldn't like to guarantee that he'd not be tempted.

So why do it?

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 12:07:57

Was I the only one to spot the OP's choice of username?
And has she been back at all since starting the thread?

PurplePidjin Mon 26-Nov-12 12:08:28

If a woman took her clothes off in front of my dp, he'd hand her his coat before she got cold confused

He has very clear and definite views on the exploitation of women in the sex industry that go hand in hand with his general views on bullying those perceived as weaker. He has respect for women as sisters and mothers.

That's how i know mine wouldn't cheat - he's an adult.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 12:10:17

Pag grin

Rhubarb he's not going on an 18-30s holiday.

The OP says she's got a problem with him going on that type of holiday.

In other words a cheap, boozy sunshine resort that's popular with young people wanting a quick break (or that's my interpretation of that type of holiday anyway).

Perhaps trekking up and down mountains, herding goats isn't his thing...but I get the impression it would please the OP.

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 12:10:37

Ah, my own search reveals all.

Well I'll leave this one as the usual "MY dh would NEVER cheat" and "every man is a cheating wanker" debate. I might pop in with a cuppa later on for a bit of light entertainment though smile

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 12:11:21

I think we all spotted the OP's username but it's a legitimate party and none of my business tbh.

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 12:11:41

So your DP thinks the porn industry undermines women Purple? Bet he thinks models are too skinny too wink

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Nov-12 12:12:15

Rhubarb I noticed,though not when I first commented. It's a bit hmm.

She answered a couple of times but after being almost unanimously disagreed with she changed her name to MargerySimpson disappeared never to return.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 12:12:19

Ooh that sounded snippy of me...it wasn't intended to be blush

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 12:13:10

That was reference to friends before you get on your high horse...

He could cheat going to the corner shop if he really wanted too, it does as though you don't trust him.

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 12:13:47

Ah right, thanks Worra.

Still, if he has those kind of mates who have no respect for her and will encourage him to shag everything that moved whilst pouring vodka down his throat then I can see her point.

Can't really see anything in the OP that makes you think she wants him to spend the week visiting mountain goats. Surely she'd want him to support the UK tourist industry away? You don't want to give us Brits a bad name in Europe now do you?

MargeySimpson Mon 26-Nov-12 12:14:15

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i only know what UKIP is because of the thread the other day! Love that you think I care that much about what people on mumsnet think that i'd change my name to back myself up?

QuickLookBusy Mon 26-Nov-12 12:14:51

I agree withTheRubarb I have the misfortune to watch a TV programme about people on a 18-30s holiday. I can't remember it's name but some of the images are imprinted on my brain forevergrin

It was a series and I made encouraged DDs watch it, I think they were about 15/16. It totally put them off ever going on one.

But, I suppose if drinking yourself to unconsciousness whilst performing a sex act on a banana is our thing, then you might enjoy.

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 12:16:00

Ahhhh, so the OP has name changed!

Now why pray, would you do that OP? Why name change in the middle of a thread that is barely 5 pages long?

I smell a thread deletion coming....

(Worra my observation was more to do with legimacy issues regarding the thread rather than the very well respected and not at all loony political party)

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 12:16:05

Still, if he has those kind of mates who have no respect for her and will encourage him to shag everything that moved whilst pouring vodka down his throat then I can see her point

She hasn't said that either to be fair.

And so what if his mates did physically pour drink down his throat (doubtful if he doesn't want to drink it) and encourage him to have sex with other people.

He's got his own mind surely?

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Nov-12 12:16:06

Margery...I was joking! grin

IAmSoFuckingRock Mon 26-Nov-12 12:19:07

"I have the misfortune to watch a TV programme about people on a 18-30s holiday. I can't remember it's name but some of the images are imprinted on my brain forever"

and it's not as if they edit those shows to make them look worse or just focus on the really bad behaviour and portray it as standard or anything is it? hmm

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Nov-12 12:19:28

Rhubarb,I don't think she has really name changed,I was joking. Sorry Margery

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 12:27:59

Worra: "I know what his friends are like, they don't actively hate me but it's not like they're my friends at all and all the people he are going with are single and the type that would egg him on to do stupid stuff."

Yes I may have used a bit of creative thinking in my post but it's implied that his friends are not to be trusted, don't respect her and would think it a laugh to encourage him to go out and do stupid things.

And yes, he has his own mind. She posted was she being unreasonable in being unhappy about this. That is my answer. No she is not being unreasonable. If he wants to go on holiday to a clubbing resort with his single friends who don't particularly like her and who take delight in doing childish and silly things then that's his prerogative. It's also her prerogative whether she stays with him or not.

Relationships aren't just about trust, they are about respect and if he doesn't respect her concerns and does nothing to allay her fears, then what future does that relationship have? If he does this in the "honeymoon" period of their relationship when they are meant to be all over each other then what on earth will he do when the relationship starts to get boring and requires a bit of hard work on both sides to keep it going?

I wouldn't be too happy about it and don't think she's being unreasonable at all (apart from posting and fleeing which, when coupled with the name makes you question her motives)

QuickLookBusy Mon 26-Nov-12 12:32:12

Iam, Yes thank you, I am aware they do that in TV programmes.hmm

The programme is still showing what does go on though.

QuickLookBusy Mon 26-Nov-12 12:33:44

I agree with you again Rhubarb.

The main point is she doesn't want him to go and he doesn't care. Not a nice relationship to be in.

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 12:36:36

Sorry Marge, I shouldn't be gullible enough to fall for these stirring vipers wink Mind you, if you've never heard of UKIP before now may I ask where you've been living? In a hippy commune?

fridgepants Mon 26-Nov-12 12:43:44

DP would hate to go on this type of holiday....but he was perfectly happy with me going to Amsterdam on my own earlier this year. I have bipolar disorder and was getting used to new medication, so I could easily have got very drunk or high or slept with other people if I was in a manic phase, but I had no interest in any of those things - particularly not the latter as I'm in a serious relationship and happy with this.

If DP had objected to me going on the grounds that he wasn't sure he could trust me, I'd have to question whether I wanted to be in a relationship with someone like that.,

Rudolphstolemycarrots Mon 26-Nov-12 12:48:59

I think you need to learn to trust him or get out of the relationship. He is with you, not anyone else. IF anything even small happens while he is away , then of course the relationship will end. You could explain this too him and say that you expect 100% honesty on his part. If he really loves you, he will not stray no matter which friends he is with. He is in charge of his own destiny.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Mon 26-Nov-12 12:51:16

ps. DH and I have been on quite a few holidays separately too due to work commitments. We trust each other and it wouldn't matter who was with.

PurplePidjin Mon 26-Nov-12 12:57:37

Not specifically porn, Margey, but he recognises that a significant proportion of people involved particularly in prostitution are doing so under duress. That's enough to put him off (according to him. I appreciate this isn't reliable as the evidence is second hand)

His views are representative of his friends, the ones he'd enjoy a holiday with anyway!

SherbetVodka Mon 26-Nov-12 14:24:32

I wouldn't be ok with this, OP. It's obviously a very un-mumsnet view to hold but I really don't think that people in relationships should go on "lads" or "girls" holidays. I don't blame you one bit for being uncomfortable with it. Or for not returning to the thread when so many posters have said you're so needy and pathetic that your DP probably wants to leave you anyway hmm

JenaiMathis Mon 26-Nov-12 14:43:57

Why shouldn't they, Sherbert?

SherbetVodka Mon 26-Nov-12 14:57:17

Because those kinds of holidays tend to involve going on the pull. I just don't think it's appropriate for someone who's in a relationship to take part, even if they're the tiny minority ones who don't get involved.

I did work in a bar in Shagaluf one summer so maybe my view is coloured by what I saw there - basically, the vast majority of men on lads holidays did appear to have sexual contact with at least one woman while they were there, regardless of their relationship status. There was a real "what goes on tour stays on tour" mentality. The cheating on partners actually seemed to be a form of male bonding in itself.

FunBagFreddie Mon 26-Nov-12 14:58:23

I'd kill for DP to go on a lads week away! I love him but I love a break too grin

Same here, I keep telling him to go, but he doesn't think it would be right. confused

OP should enjoy her DP free time and make the most of her opportunity to let it all hang out, not shave her legs and sit in bed watching inane TV whilst eating cake with a large glass of wine. That's what I'd do. blush

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 14:59:17

It's obviously a very un-mumsnet view

It is nothing to do with being un mumsnetty

Mrsjay Mon 26-Nov-12 14:59:52

OP should enjoy her DP free time and make the most of her opportunity to let it all hang out, not shave her legs and sit in bed watching inane TV whilst eating cake with a large glass of wine. That's what I'd do.

did you look in my window when my husband was away grin

FunBagFreddie Mon 26-Nov-12 15:04:45

did you look in my window when my husband was away grin

Funnily enough no, but we both clearly know how to enjoy ourselves. grin

Op yanbu, since joining mumsnet last Christmas time I'm always surprised by the negative reaction to the op on these threads.

It doesn't matter how old the couple are what matters is that they have commited to each other to the point of wanting to share their day to day lives with each other. Having a break with friends is totally acceptable but he's choosing to go on holiday to a 'shagging' destination and I'm sure op feels utterly trapped by this as it goes against the nature of a long term monogamous relationship. It doesn't matter if he cheats or not he has already put his holiday above her, relationships are about compromise as well as trust and if he isn't willing to grow up and compromise tbh I'd leave the bastard.

squeakytoy Mon 26-Nov-12 15:21:21

You dont need to share every day together if you are married. That would drive me insane as I like my own personal time too. I go on at least one holiday a year without my husband, and would be more than happy for him to do the same.

Either of us could cheat no matter where we went in the world. We trust each other. He is married to me, he doesnt own the exclusive rights to my whole life.

expatinscotland Mon 26-Nov-12 15:28:42

It sounds like you are two different people who might want two different things in life.

squeaky I wasn't trying to say that you have to spend 24/7 with dp but when you live together you spend day to day life together, not necessarily physically but also phone calls/notes/household jobs etc.

like I said a holiday with friends is absolutely fine imo but if my dh wanted to go on an 18-30 he would be coming back to his stuff packed.

Or marge, we're just normal and you & OP are being clingy. I was like that in my teen relationships, but it feels childish to be that way now, DP and I are capable of being separate beings and still being in a relationship...

Says Pixie, aged 23 (and a half)

Seriously though, if you trust your DP not to cheat, why would you have an issue with him being around other women (slaggy girls? hmm)
RE the inhibitions, what a load of tosh, same thing happens in the UK on a lads holiday to Skegness or Brighton or some other resort town. The women sleeping with them probably don't give two shits if he's married or single and you're implying that it's the women's fault for the men cheating on their partners. And that men are incapable of controlling themselves around women dressed in skimpy clothes. A Cheat is a cheat is a cheat at the end of the day!

And ha, he must be really 'fit' if a roomful of women want to tear his clothes off. Surely that is a good thing?!

funbagfreddie: I'm encouraging DP to drag his unis mates away to some hot place, but he's choosing to go to Florida with his Mum instead next year. I don't know whether to wind him up about it or congratulate him on being a lovely son!

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 15:47:15

There is no such thing as a 'shagging destination' for goodness sake.

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 15:48:48

Seriously guys, this is not about him just going on holiday without her. She already said that she accepted this as she works during term time.

This is about him going off on a lads only holiday, with his single mates, who don't respect her, to some sort of clubbing resort and she can either like it or lump it.

Whilst I'm all for my dh going off on holiday without me or the kids, I would not appreciate the lack of respect her partner is showing her.

This isn't so much about him going away, this is about the lack of respect in this relationship. He seems to think that he can go where he pleases, when he pleases and with whom he pleases without taking her feelings into consideration at all. If that is his attitude then he would be better off single and so would she.

Of course you can be individuals and still be married with kids. But a healthy relationship means compromising at times. It means listening to the other person and taking their feelings and opinions on board. It means being sensitive to that person and if he can't do that then he should be on his own.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 15:51:31

Perhaps he did take her feelings into consideration and concluded that she's being a controlling arse?

His friends have chosen this holiday and he wants to go with them. He can hardly force them to go somewhere more acceptable to the OP can he?

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 16:04:33

True Worra. Perhaps she is although I think some of the posts have been quite cruel towards her (perhaps that's why she's scarpered or perhaps she's just watching with glee?) and some posters have just been vying to get their rude comments in.

I don't she was unreasonable to be concerned. His friends don't like her. It's implied they are going on a lads holiday. They are all single. They encourage others to display stupid behaviour.

She said she didn't mind him going away but didn't want him to go off on a lads holiday with a bunch of idiots who didn't like her. He has basically said 'tough'.

I don't think she sounds very controlling, just very young. And I would also be concerned so shoot me now wink

FredFredGeorge Mon 26-Nov-12 16:07:28

He doesn't want to go on an 18-30, he wants to go to a Sun/sea/drinking resort, 'cos that's a cheap place for a load of friends to go to have a good time, which mostly revolves around a load of friends being the same place and the cheaper the better.

He doesn't want to force them to go goat herding in the himalayas (and incidently I've been very friendly with someone who I learnt had a partner in the UK on just such a trip) just to assuage his partners nutty ideas of what might happen at a particular destination.

We shouldn't respect our partners if their ideas aren't compatible with our own views (or simple logic) - that's the way resentment builds, sometimes you need to tell your partner they're wrong - and sometimes you need to be told.

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 16:21:33

The poor poor lass.

She never mentioned a friggin goat herding holiday.

She ended her OP with the words: "Well the question is... AIBU? Whatever happens I will never change being upset that he is going and the week that he is there will be absolutely awful, but I guess if enough people that weren't his idiotic mates thought I was being stupid maybe I would try to make the effort to pretend that I'm not upset about it at least. So any answers appreciated....... "

For that she got told she lived in Winging Land, that she sounded insecure, naive, controlling and needy.

Her OP doesn't say of these things tbh.

Having read some of the replies I now really feel for her. Some of the responses show a distinct lack of maturity from the posters and if this is the reason she has refrained from posting since, she's showing more restrain and maturity than a lot of you put together.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 16:30:53

Or she might have simply name changed to start a bun fight and then changed back again.

Doubt we'll ever know.

Joiningthegang Mon 26-Nov-12 16:36:57

Yabu - and if he thinks you think je will cheat then he may as well do it as you dont seem to have any faith or trust in him anyway

Joiningthegang Mon 26-Nov-12 16:37:47

Yabu - and if he thinks you think je will cheat then he may as well do it as you dont seem to have any faith or trust in him anyway

Crinkle77 Mon 26-Nov-12 16:41:51

I do agree with the OP in part. When lads get together on holiday they are more likely to do things that they wouldn't at home. A mixture of sun, alcohol, scantlily clad girls can be a dangerous combination and they do egg each other on.

THERhubarb Mon 26-Nov-12 16:42:00

That is true Worra. But if so, she has managed to show up the really nasty side of Mumsnet, the side that posts insults before thinking and takes great delight in doing so.

I don't think for one minute that those early responses were as a result of them thinking she was after a bunfight. Those were genuine responses from some really not nice people.

SherbetVodka Mon 26-Nov-12 17:10:01

Rhubarb I agree. It's like they'd seen that she was getting nothing but negative replies so they felt it was safe to be nasty to her as nobody was going to go against the crowd and back her up.

SantaisBarredfromhavingStella Mon 26-Nov-12 17:47:54

Awwww bless you OP, don't really blame you for not being happy about a 18-30 lads hol (don't think many would honestly be happy with it but there you go) anyway, doesn't matter if YABU or not, clearly he's going so all that's left to do is decide how you deal with it....

'There is no such thing as a 'shagging destination' for goodness sake.'

To that I give you - shagaluf.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 18:13:18

Again, there is no such thing as a shagging destination.

If you're going to have sex with strangers when you are in a committed relationship, it doesn't matter whether you have sex in Magaluf or the broom cupboard at work.

It's down to the person, not the place.

I'm not saying that's not true but there are certain destinations that 18-30's go to where sex is almost a given and that is why a lot of people choose to go there. Maybe it's not originally the destination more the people who choose to go there but after years of the same activities the destination tends to keep the reputation.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 18:26:19

Well yes that's true.

But when I was 19 my friend and I (also 19) went to Magaluf for 2 weeks.

We got drunk, had a laugh, had a great time.

But despite getting plenty of offers, not once did we have sex with random strangers because we weren't into that sort of thing before we went...so the resort or the alcohol wasn't going to change that.

And we were single!

BelaLugosisShed Mon 26-Nov-12 18:34:39

My 22 year old DD went to Tenerife last year to a "party" resort with a couple of mates, they met up with a bunch of blokes of similar age, a couple of whom were married/partnered, no untoward shagging went on, even amongst the single ones, despite copious amounts of booze, cheaters will cheat anywhere, people who don't cheat, won't , whatever the circumstances.

MuckingFunter Mon 26-Nov-12 20:19:23

YANBU and quite frankly all of you who are giving her a hard time have got your heads well and truly in the sand.

Beaverfeaver Mon 26-Nov-12 20:29:54

My DH is 26, never been on a lads holiday and I have been encouraging him to go as his friends want him to.

He is now looking to go for a long weekend soon.

I trust him. I wouldn't trust some of his friends, but that's none of my business.
I'm sure they will have fun, and I'm sure I won't hear about everything that happens.

I'm ok with that.

LaQueen Mon 26-Nov-12 20:38:19

You sound very young and immature - but, then I realised you are only 22, so it's no surprise.

Let me lend you the benefit of my 42 years experience...

Bottom line is - if your DP is so weak willed that he can be persuaded to be unfaithful to you, just by his mates egging him on...then he's a twunt, and a weak twunt, at that.

If he's so weak-willed then he will be unfaithful to you at your local pub, in his parent's garden...in your own home. It doesn't matter where...^location doesn't determine fidelity^ FFS.

It's only a week for goodness sake...that's nothing. Men don't like needy, clingy women...it's a huge turn-off for them. They might smile, hug you and say all the right things to reassure you...but inside they're cringing a bit and putting a black-mark against your name. They just don't like it (neither do most women either).

tisnottheseasonyet Mon 26-Nov-12 21:00:56

Really worrying to see how many posters on here think such controlling and untrustworthy behaviour is normal.

tisnottheseasonyet Mon 26-Nov-12 21:01:17

*untrusting

'Men don't like needy, clingy women...it's a huge turn-off for them'

Fuck me, so now she should change her personality and views to keep her 'man' turned on? Put up and shut up eh? That's a nice step back for feminism.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 21:23:44

Did you miss the part where LeQ said "Neither do most women either"?

I think if the OP was male and was trying to control where his female DP went for a week with her friends, he'd probably be called a controlling bastard.

That looked like an afterthought...

I guess what's obvious from this thread is that people have different viewpoints which is great unless you're in a relationship with someone who feels the opposite. It doesn't really matter what anyone says as the way she feels won't change and the same for him it doesn't make her evil or immature and in the same way he's not being unreasonable if that's really what he wants to do.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 21:33:02

Yeah that's true Strawberry

Either way, at least it's come to light before they have a family - if indeed they've thought about that.

God yeah I had a situation a bit like this when dd was around 4 months and dh was sort of forced by his family into going away for a week somewhere similar for a stag he desperately didn't want to go. Not very good when you have pnd which is probably why I'm so passionate about it. Hope you get it sorted if you're actually here op.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 10:41:56

Strawberry it wasn't an afterthought, I wrote it in brackets because I wasn't really discussing women's reaction - I was concentrating on a man's reaction in my post.

But, as a MN veteran I Just knew that someone would come along and get hissy and say I was dissing women per se...so, I included it not as an afterthought...but, as a slightly weary, token forelock tug to any hissing feminists who happened by...

THERhubarb Tue 27-Nov-12 14:02:29

I don't think she is being needy.

Did you all miss the bit in her post which said that at first she didn't object to a lads holiday, that she understood because she worked during term time? It's not as if she is demanding that he holiday only with her.

Let's face it, there are women who would kick up a hissy fit if their fellas went off on holiday without them.

She isn't one of them.

Yes there may be an element of mistrust on her part and who knows, perhaps she has good reason for this? I don't care how much you love and trust your partner, as many threads on Mumsnet show, you can never trust someone 100% because you can never know them 100%.

A holiday in a popular clubbing resort, with a load of single mates IS going to be a temptation for him. Yes he might well cheat in the local pub if he were that way inclined but I doubt the local pub could compete with somewhere like Ibiza.

He might not stray and she might not have any reason not to trust him, but I think that if this is her first relationship and taking into account her age, her concerns are not unreasonable.

Wasn't that why she started the thread? To find out if she was over-reacting or not? I would have said that was a very reasonable thing to do. She even said that if we all said she was BU that she would put on a smile and try to accept his decision.

I don't think there is any justification for calling her needy and clingy. I think that's just an excuse to be bitchy for the sake of bitchiness. An attempt to be clever and funny when it's neither.

RIP Newbie. It was nice knowing you.

curiousuze Tue 27-Nov-12 14:10:10

I'm not used to the abbreviations on here yet and thought the OP was annoyed that her boyfriend had had DP sex on a lads holiday...now THAT would be unreasonable!

expatinscotland Tue 27-Nov-12 14:11:06

By the time my husband was 26, he'd been married to me for 2 years and we had a DD and were expecting a second.

Believe it or not, there are men who are 26 who are over 'lad's holidays' or were never that into them anyhow, just as there are 22-year-old men and women ready for commitment and family and couldn't care less about clubbing, drunk holidays abroad or the like.

Horses for courses. That's why I don't the OP is needy or insecure, but might in fact be wanting something different from life than this guy does right now.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 27-Nov-12 14:44:48

Rhubarb ...so if one genuinely thought OP was being clingy,how should it have been phrased?

I thought she was,so that is the advice I offered. If she'd just wanted her hand held,she should have spoken to her rl friends. Although,saying that,my rl friends are highly likely to have the same view I did.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 16:17:31

You know...maybe back in the mists of time, at 21 I might have been more clingy? I dunno?

I know that now I'm in my golden years the thought of DH being away for a week conjures up luffly images of having the bed to myself, not picking up his wet towels from the bedroom floor and eating cheese on toast for supper 3 nights in a row [goes off into a fond reverie...]

I still love him to bits...of course wink

THERhubarb Tue 27-Nov-12 17:42:40

Oh me too! But if dh had friends that didn't like me, who were all single, who liked to get drunk and encourage their mates to do stupid things and he wanted to go on holiday to a clubbing resort with them, well I'd like to think that he'd taken my feelings into consideration.

Course, I doubt a partner like that would be to my taste which is why I didn't commit until I was in my late twenties and he was 30. I just can't stand immature 'boys'. But that's not to say I would be overly mean to someone young, naive and with a idiot like that.

We all have the benefit of life experience. Back then, when you were so young, you wouldn't have developed such a thick skin which is why I think that being mean to someone so young who was just after some advice was mean.

grin at hissing feminist...can you add hormonal pissed off preggo to that please?

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 18:19:54

Ah, if you're pregnantly hormonal then I can forgive you anything Strawbs [pats Strawbs shoulder and strokes her hair...]

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 18:22:21

The it probably was mean. I've just forgotten what it's like to feel so insecure and so damned hectic about this sort of thing, and when everything seems like the end of the world.

When DH announces he's off on his golf trip, I only very vaguely tune into what he's saying, because I'm busy mentally rubbing my hands together and start planning treats for myself grin

ilovesooty Tue 27-Nov-12 18:35:20

I would really miss him if he went away for as long as a week

That was the statement I thought sounded rather needy - I'm afraid I still do.

JenaiMathis Wed 28-Nov-12 06:34:08

Likewise, ilove.

QuickLookBusy Wed 28-Nov-12 11:34:25

I don't think it's needy to admit missing your dh. Mine used to work away mon-fri. He did it for 5 years and I missed him terribly. There's nothing wrong in admitting it.
It's not the only reason the op gave for not wanting him to go.

JenaiMathis Wed 28-Nov-12 11:39:37

Not wanting your partner to go away for a week because you'll miss them is needy.

Nothing wrong or needy about missing a person, but to use it as a reason for them not to go away is stifling and generally Not Good.

I missed ds terribly when he went away on a school trip for a week - would it have been OK for me to stop him going for that reason?

THERhubarb Wed 28-Nov-12 12:28:52

But where did she say she would stop him?

She came on here to ask if she was being unreasonable and said that if she was, she would still be upset but would accept that she was unreasonable and would send him off with a smile.

I think that was quite mature of her. She admitted her feelings and also admitted that she might be out of order.

I think she was pounced on and that's a shame. Some people just get off on posting shitty replies. They think it makes them more popular. They are the immature ones.

If you think she's being needy there are better ways of saying that than these choice replies:
"If he wants to cheat, or do something you'd disapprove of, he'll do it in Little Whinging or wherever you live. "
"You sound very needy and controlling, does he tell you what you can and cant do? "

Her OP did not sound controlling and needing. She sounded like a very young woman who was honest with her feelings and asked whether that was unreasonable or not.

Others managed to disagree with her points in a much more civilised and mature way so I'm sure those posters could have done the same. It takes no effort to be civil and dare I say it, it might even be kind to be nice to a young woman posting on Mumsnet for the first time. Do you remember what your first post was?

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