x mas present for dc been ruined by friend wwyd

(152 Posts)
wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 10:22:38

not sure what to do about this. but couple of weeks ago i had been in town with a friend. she is a lovely friend. i had brought to presents for my dc. coming to £30. which may not sound alot but it is to me and her. i hadnt noticed the time so had to speed of to get kids from school.

she kindly offered to take them back to hers so they wouldnt see the bags and see whats inside. and said shed bring them with her when she came to mine later that night when the kids where asleep.

she forgot and has forgotton the other times. iv offered to go up hers a few times but shes been at work or out.
but as it is her kids have got hold of them and are slightly dirty (their two talking tomes. 2 for 30 in argos) and used basically.

my delimea is now.. i want the money to buy new ones. or it to be replaced. but shes has big money troubles.. so do i

a- just replace them myself and wait for the money instalments .. though i dont really have the money to replace them along with the other stuff i have to get.

b- just forget about them for christmas and get th emoney in the new year.

part of me feels bad wanting to ask her becasue i know her money troubles but then the other part of me feels like my children shouldnt miss out of the presents i brought becasue of it.

timeforachangebaby Sun 25-Nov-12 10:24:13

wipe them? Its not like your children will notice. Are they still in the packaging? Take them back and tell Argos they were like it but you didn't notice in the shop, that is quite likely to be the case anyway.

iHaveNoIkea Sun 25-Nov-12 10:26:04

Agree with timeforachange but if the presents are beyond that point then I'd be asking her to replace them. Did she just tell you her kids had been playing with them and not apologise or offer you the money? That's very rude.

Yamyoid Sun 25-Nov-12 10:26:16

Clean them up. If the children are young, they won't care if they're not in the packaging, just wrap them. Don't lose out on them just because they're a bit dirty.

pictish Sun 25-Nov-12 10:26:50

Depends how used they are. If they just took them out of the packaging and fiddled for a while, no worries.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 10:26:55

no theve been taken out the packaging.

but yes this may be the best solution if it can be cleaned back to new. im just..alitlle.. ok a lot.. annoyed. which my b u but i cant help feel like it.

TheLightPassenger Sun 25-Nov-12 10:27:06

your friend shouldn't have let her kids play with them BUT given you are both so badly off, I would let it go, and as the other poster suggests, give them a clean, your children are unlikely to notice.

Welovecouscous Sun 25-Nov-12 10:27:26

Sorry this happened sad I would be upset too.

Sadly, If you give things to a friend to care for you have to accept some risk they may not be looked after quite as you would wish. That said - she should have kept them safe. So a bit of unreasonableness on both sides.

If the money means she can't offer to replace and you can't either can they just be wiped and wrapped? If the kids are really young they won't notice. How old are the kids?

TheLightPassenger Sun 25-Nov-12 10:28:08

she let her kids take them out of the packaging shock. I wouldn't let her near your stuff again TBH.

timeforachangebaby Sun 25-Nov-12 10:28:15

My DS did this so someone elses present (thankfully that I had bought), I wrapped the packaging with sellotape and explained to the mum, the DC didnt even notice the damaged packing.

Such a shame, I now leave everything out of reach.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 10:28:48

no she appogised that the kids had got hold of them. but kind oif ummed and arred about the money. will have to see them before i decided what to do. which will be today.

i know i should have got them sooner, but shes a good friend and should have kept them some where safe. like iv done for her on occasions.

SavoyCabbage Sun 25-Nov-12 10:29:02

I take toys out of the packaging before unwrap them for Christmas so I don't have to do it on the day.

TheLightPassenger Sun 25-Nov-12 10:30:09

yes, sometimes people, as savoy cabbage does, unwrap pressies beforehand anyway, particularly if they need batteries/assembly so they are ready to play with as soon as they are opened.

DowntonTrout Sun 25-Nov-12 10:30:29

I know people are saying just clean them up. But she let her DCs take them out of the packaging and and play with them?

I don't have any sensible advice but I would be very angry. What did she say about it? Did she apologise?

flow4 Sun 25-Nov-12 10:30:30

Your kids won't notice, honestly smile
When DS was little, I was really broke, and I did a couple of Christmases with a total budget of £15 for toys/presents for him. I bought good quality stuff second hand from the market, and he didn't know or care! :D

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 10:31:07

3 and 7. tbh the kids prob wont notice that their not in their boxes.

if i think about it its more me that cares they wont be and their not "new" "new"

Softlysoftly Sun 25-Nov-12 10:31:15

I don't think she should have expected her mate to let the kids play with Christmas presents that's just bloody rude.

YANBU to be very annoyed but as pps said if you are both skint clean them up and wrap them the kids won't notice.

Svrider Sun 25-Nov-12 10:31:55

I'm hmm at the other posters tbh
Your "friend" should have never allowed her dc any where near those presents
Out of interest did she allow them to open the presents she'd brought?
Don't accept the opened presents
She needs to replace them

pingu2209 Sun 25-Nov-12 10:32:43

That is totally out of order. I would be massively pissed off if my children's presents were opened and played with. I would expect the other mum to replace.

Yamyoid Sun 25-Nov-12 10:32:45

Yanbu to be annoyed but it's done now. Just get the toys back, clean them and try not to let it spoil your friendship. She shouldn't have let it happen and should have brought them straight over to you as soon as her kids got at them but life gets hectic with kids around and these things happen. Hope you can rescue them.

pictish Sun 25-Nov-12 10:33:30

Oh right - well in that case, I'd take them back and wrap up, as suggested.
If nothing else you'll know not to hand your lott over to other people for safeguarding again.

I don't think this need be anything other than a lesson learned. Yeah she was a bit remiss, but aren't we all at times?

It's cool. Just give them as they are now. The kids will love them! x

pictish Sun 25-Nov-12 10:33:48

loot even

SavoyCabbage Sun 25-Nov-12 10:33:57

I don't think we are saying its ideal rider, just that it's happened now and the friend doesn't have much money.

TheLightPassenger Sun 25-Nov-12 10:33:58

the problem with demanding a replacement is the lovely friend may no longer be lovely, and may need constant chasing for either a replacement or the money. So in terms of the stress and hassle factor, if they can be cleaned up, it will be better for the OP in the long run.

DowntonTrout Sun 25-Nov-12 10:34:06

Sorry x posts.

I still think its awful that she didn't just put them away somewhere safe.

pixiestix Sun 25-Nov-12 10:40:08

I woud be pissed off and asking for the money back.

Svrider Sun 25-Nov-12 10:40:24

Ok if you don't think your "friend" will replace replace them, I guess you've got no choice but to wrap them up
I'd be well pissed off with her tbh
It's not "one if those things", its your "friend" not taking care of presents that you've saved hard for
You need to tell her how upset you are

akaemmafrost Sun 25-Nov-12 10:42:16

I would be extremely pissed off. Although I probably wouldn't demand new ones, clean them up as others have said but it would take the shine off them for me, though I am sure your dc will still enjoy them smile.

I would judge someone who did this.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 25-Nov-12 10:42:40

It is shitty that she didn't look after your things more carefully, I'd be really annoyed too.

It is a shame that to you they wont seem 'new new' when your kids get them, but honestly, they wont care one bit.

I would get them back today (no matter what state they are in) and have a good look at them, clean them up and see what you think. If they are passable I'd just give them to the kids for Christmas, if not I'd have a word to her about replacing them and then her giving these ones to her children for christmas as they seem to like them so much.

TidyDancer Sun 25-Nov-12 10:45:48

Sounds like she let her DC play with them toys and she depended on your good nature for it not to become an issue.

I would absolutely be asking her to replace the toys or give you the equivalent money. It doesn't matter if they can be cleaned up now, it's the fact that she's done it. She needs to realise this is unacceptable behaviour.

I have a cousin who behaves like this. Trust me, until you take a firm hand with them, they will continue taking the piss again and again.

LIZS Sun 25-Nov-12 10:48:08

Had to google to see what they were. Depends how grubby they are really. If they look ok ask her for new batteries in case they have run down the preloaded ones. if not she'll need to replace the toys. How come she has kept her won purchases out of harm's way but not yours hmm

Teeb Sun 25-Nov-12 10:49:37

I'd be utterly pissed off if a friend did this to me and except them to be replaced/given the money. She can tell her kids that the presents they have now unwrapped and made dirty are their 'early Christmas presents' if the money is that short.

I feel really bad for you op, when money is tight having something new and shiny and impressive looking in a box to hand over means quite a lot, and she's basically just said 'I don't give a shit about your kids, your money, your feelings and hard you had to save for it,.'angry

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 10:52:35

i dont think she would have let them open them on on purpose. well i like to think so any way.

i shall have a good look tonight. if they are savable and can be cleaned then i will leave it. tell her that im pissed at her have a rant and then get over it with the knowlagde of not to let her look after things again.

if not i will tell her her kids can have them but i want the money in january. she prob would pay the money now but i know her kids will lose out and thats not really fair.

BrianButterfield Sun 25-Nov-12 10:52:55

YANBU! It's beyond shit that she let her kids play with them and I would imagine a 7 year old definitely would notice they weren't in their packaging.

SundaeGirl Sun 25-Nov-12 10:54:55

YANBU. She should replace them.

Tell her she can eBay those ones as a contribution to getting you new ones. She should, have kept them out of the way of her DC.

I would be RAGING if this happened because you just know her kids haven't gone near the toys she bought.

Teeb Sun 25-Nov-12 10:55:17

The thing is her kids won't lose out will they? They are up two presents, just that they had them earlier than Christmas day. Why should her children have more to unwrap on Christmas day than yours will?

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 10:55:47

teeb

I feel really bad for you op, when money is tight having something new and shiny and impressive looking in a box to hand over means quite a lot,

yes this is it. i do budget and save months in advance to get my children things. esp things i know that they will love. this isnt their main present. just something that they would not have got any other time of the year.

CSIJanner Sun 25-Nov-12 10:55:59

I take it her children didn't find their presents and play with them - just yours? If that's the case, then I would be asking for the money or if she had any nectar points to replace them, as she didn't take care with your things, just hers.

Tailtwister Sun 25-Nov-12 10:59:39

Taking everything into account, I would clean them up and let it go tbh. Yes, your friend was very wrong to let her children play with the toys. However, she probably won't be able to give you the money for new ones and demanding she does so will probably cause more problems.

Just never let her look after anything for you again OP and chalk it up to experience.

socharlotte Sun 25-Nov-12 10:59:44

what are talking tomes, are they hard toys or soft toys?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sun 25-Nov-12 11:01:21

I'd be asking for all the money now in time to buy replacements. If her kids are going to miss out because of it, then that's her fault. She should have thought about that before allowing her children to get hold of stuff that doesn't belong to them.

I'd be really angry with a so called friend for this. It's easily forgivable if she makes up for it and gives you the money, but if she doesn't, then I'd be reassessing whether this is someone I want to be friends with or have my children around. If she doesn't give you the money she is showing she has no morals and doesn't care if your children's presents have been spoiled.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 11:01:51

teebe i dont mean theri miss out in present so much as in food.. decs.. money is very tight for her at the mo.. i am in a better money situation then her. (due to starting months ago and budgeting.. ) i just dont have an extra 30 laying around to replace them with out that digging into the fund for other things.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 11:04:07

talking tomes are soft toys. like the app.. stuffed cat that copies what you say purrss etc.. and his friend the dog.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sun 25-Nov-12 11:06:32

Her kids wont lose out. They just got their Christmas presents early. Serves them right for snooping....

Take them back to friend and say you bought NEW presents for her kids, not second hand ones, and ask for the money.

She should have guarded them better.

ScaryHairyMcSweary Sun 25-Nov-12 11:06:39
NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sun 25-Nov-12 11:07:10

Sorry, you bought NEW presents for YOUR kids, not second hand ones - which these ones are literally.

TidyDancer Sun 25-Nov-12 11:11:39

You are too nice for your own good.

Tell her she has to replace them, if she has to budget better to do it, so be it. That's not for you to worry about. She shouldn't have let her DCs do what they did.

Goldenjubilee10 Sun 25-Nov-12 11:12:43

Do you buy her children Christmas presents. If so then give them these. Get your 'friend' to give you something towards replacing them for your children. I'm sure it wasn't deliberate but it should be a lesson to her.

CookingFunt Sun 25-Nov-12 11:13:01

I would be offering to replace them if I was the friend. She can return something to get the money for your DC presents. She should have hidden them better.

TBH I would be furious! If she is aware of your money worries then she should replace them regardless of her troubles too! His she apologised at all?

How old are her children? If the toys were taken out of the packaging, how likely is it that the children were the ones who took em out of the boxes? Every toy my DD has had in packaging was a total ball-ache to get out of the box...

(I'm not in a particularly charitable mood today so I may be being a little harsh...)

Goldenjubilee10 Sun 25-Nov-12 11:15:06

It's quite cute isn't it!

flow4 Sun 25-Nov-12 11:15:14

No-one thinks what her friend did was OK. No-one thinks the OP is BU for being angry and upset about it. The question is what she does now...

She would be perfectly within her rights to tell Friend to buy replacement toys. But if F doesn't have much money, then she may not be able to. And if the OP values the friendship, she may not want to put F in an impossible position, and/or fall out over this. And OP's kids won't mind.

Sometimes, even if someone has been a complete idiot, it is worth forgiving them. smile

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 11:18:20

they are 4 and 3.. so more likly theve been pulled out of the box tbh

nomoremarble he hee yes i know toys are bugger to get out. i am sure they the people in the factories tie them as much as possable just for kicks lol.

that said i have had toys that need no more then tugging to get out. so i dont know.

CookingFunt Sun 25-Nov-12 11:19:30

Has the friend apologised?

MsElleTow Sun 25-Nov-12 11:20:11

I would be fuming!

She should be paying for 2 new ones for your two children. She manages to keep the presents she has bought for her children hidden away somewhere safe, but not yours. I very much doubt they accidentally got hold of them!

TidyDancer Sun 25-Nov-12 11:20:49

That's the trouble though flow4. Is a friend who will allow their DCs to do this a friend worth having? I don't know.

To me, it shows a complete lack of respect and concern, it is intensely selfish. But then like I said, I have a cousin who is exactly like that, and I end up having to take a very strong stance with her. I can't cut her out as she's family and has a lovely DS who would suffer for lack of contact with my DCs, but you really can't make allowances for these people. They need to be shown forcefully that they are selfish bastards and their behaviour is unacceptable.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 11:21:03

yes, i dont want to fall out over this. we have been friends fo so long and have major major fallings out before where weve not spoken for months but put i behind us when i had something happen and she was right there soon as she heard. she is a good friend. be it a careless one at times.

TheMonster Sun 25-Nov-12 11:25:55

I would be livid.

flow4 Sun 25-Nov-12 11:26:54

I don't feel qualified to say whether the friendship is worth keeping, Tidy... But I can easily imagine how it could have happened... My kids are much older now, but when they were 3 and 4 they were into everything, and my head was a bit mashed... confused grin I can easily see myself forgetting to give my friend the toys, so putting the bags somewhere really obvious so I wouldn't forget again, then going off to do something, and my kids getting hold of them... sad blush

OHforDUCKScake Sun 25-Nov-12 11:27:16

What has your friend offered to do?

CookingFunt Sun 25-Nov-12 11:30:15

flowin that instance would you give your friend the toys that were used? I certainly wouldn't.

Narked Sun 25-Nov-12 11:31:32

Had you bought her DC Christmas presents? Could the toys they acquired become their gifts and you take back what you'd bought them and use the money to buy new gifts for your DC?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sun 25-Nov-12 11:31:43

If she's any kind of a friend, she will be worried about falling out over it too and would therefore offer to give the money back. If she doesn't think the friendship is worth thirty quid, then there's something wrong.

melika Sun 25-Nov-12 11:34:46

Is it talking ~Tom, interactive cat? Well if they are slightly dirty, what can you do to clean them up? I think it's a bloody cheek. Never would I trust her to 'look after' anything again. To save friendship, let her know how fed up you are but as the others said just wrap them and hope they don't notice.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 11:35:57

she hasnt offered any thing she had said she was sorry the kids had got hold of them etc then was quite. so i siad id pop round today.

no. we had a set rule this year we would only buy the kids a token present ( ie a tube of sweets) because there is a few kids and moneys tight etc.

Floggingmolly Sun 25-Nov-12 11:36:51

Are they fur covered cats? You can't really clean them up and restore them to "new" like appearance, can you, and they're out of their packaging too angry
They're your kids Christmas presents, they shouldn't have to have grubby pre-played with presents unless you decided that's what they're going to have. I don't suppose the (un opened) things she got for her kids are anything that could be swopped? She really does need to try her best to replace them.

Narked Sun 25-Nov-12 11:38:34

Then I'd suggest she wraps them and gives them to her DC. Then you can have the £30 back from what she was going to give them, which can be returned.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 11:40:37

no. what she does have for her kids mine wont enjoy or things my chidlren arnt into like polly pocket etc. and tbh they both asked for talking toms.

right i am off out. shall pop back later after iv seen the state of them.

im feeling clamer now though and look at them level headed. so thank you.

CookingFunt Sun 25-Nov-12 11:41:21

Agree with narked 100%.

CookingFunt Sun 25-Nov-12 11:43:21

Well she can return her Polly pockets and replace the toys.

flow4 Sun 25-Nov-12 11:45:30

Cookin, it's hard to say since I'm talking hypothetically... I would have wanted to replace/repay, but I can remember a time where a situation like this would have been a real problem for me... Where I had £15 total Christmas budget per child and bought second-hand, so wouldn't have had either cash or replacement toy to offer friend... sad

wondering I'll be thinking of you this aft, and hoping that when you see the toys, they don't look bad/grubby... smile

CSIJanner Sun 25-Nov-12 11:47:24

The she can return the Polly Pckets for ££ and give the money to you. Why should you be the one to learn the lesson. It's quite clear they would like it as they took it out of the packaging and played with them, the. They can have them a s a Christmas present. Jobs a Jolly one!

valiumredhead Sun 25-Nov-12 11:53:11

I'd be furious!!! shock and actually it's a really shitty thing to do and I don;t think many people would be so relaxed and really wouldn't think it was a crap thing to do!

I would have it straight out with her - " Why did you let your kids open MY kid's presents when you KNEW they were their xmas presents?" and I'd want a pretty good explanation and an apology before I would even think about forgiving her!

Hope they clean up ok, I am sure your kids will love them x

CookingFunt Sun 25-Nov-12 11:54:06

I remember only too well struggling at Xmas too,heating up some Turkey slices from a packet for Christmas dinner. If the toys are grubby then they were allowed to play for a while with them.

QOD Sun 25-Nov-12 11:57:36

Sounds s bit fishy to me

WildWorld2004 Sun 25-Nov-12 12:06:06

I would be seriously pissed off. I dont have much money but i would still buy new ones or give you the money. However my 8 yr old would see a bag or toys & ask who they are for before ripping them out of the packet.

Tabliope Sun 25-Nov-12 12:11:21

Sorry OP but I don't see how her kids could have got the cats out of the packaging without completely ripping the packaging. How old are her kids? Old enough to have known what they were doing was wrong? Also how grubby were her kids to have made the cats grubby? Sounds like they've been played with quite a bit. Lastly, don't most of these toys either have the batteries separate or not included or there used to be a bit of plastic that you pull out of the battery pack so that you can start using the toy - when it's in place it means the batteries aren't being used up. This would be a deal breaker in a friendship with me unless she replaced them. Like others I've had this type of crap from 'friends' in the past.

clam Sun 25-Nov-12 12:12:58

They've been played with long enough to have got grubby. How come she didn't notice sooner? Especially if they're talking toys - wouldn't she have heard?
I reckon she thought it'd be OK for them to have a play with them, and let them get on with it - until she realised they'd spoilt them.
I would be furious with her. She is depending on your good nature to get away with this.

Tabliope Sun 25-Nov-12 12:17:55

The Argos link says batteries not included so maybe they just played with them without the batteries in and just as soft toys. I wouldn't be happy but if you can forgive her OP you're a better person than I.

Millie1 Sun 25-Nov-12 12:25:30

Ditto what Clam said. If the toys got grubby I'd think she has just let them play with them for an easy life. Feel very sorry for you.

mum11970 Sun 25-Nov-12 12:30:31

Ooh I'd be well pee'd off. I hope they're not too grubby and they haven't been recording there names on them, you're 7 year old would spot that straight away. If I was your friend I would have replaced them and said nothing, no matter how hard up I was.

clam Sun 25-Nov-12 12:34:17

Well, then if there are batteries inserted, then there's your proof that an adult was in on it.
In which case she'd be right off my Christmas card list.

Badgersnatch Sun 25-Nov-12 12:43:30

What did you fall out about before OP? Has she got form for taking the piss?

mirry2 Sun 25-Nov-12 12:43:54

I would be furious. however if the op is willing to let it go up to a point the least she should do is ask her friend to buy her children a decent Christmas present (ie more than a packet of sweets) to make up for it

Enfyshedd Sun 25-Nov-12 12:58:28

Don't soft toys in a box normally have some cable tie type things to hold them in place in the packaging? You need a pair of scissors to get through them unless you're capable of ripping them through the cardboard, which not many LO's are capable of.

I'd be livid...

RooneyMara Sun 25-Nov-12 13:07:12

I think you need to ask her to pay for new ones - even if that means she pays you back in January.

It's out of order.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sun 25-Nov-12 13:25:54

So she has inserted batteries in them?
How do you know they are not now faulty?

I would be furious. This would be a deal breaker in any friendship for me.

She knows you are hard up. Yet she let her kids ruin your kids toys.

colleysmill Sun 25-Nov-12 13:43:00

I think the OPs friend's reaction when she sees her will be the most telling.

If my dc had done that to someone's presents I was looking after I would be mortified and wanting to fix the situation as much as possible with lots of grovelling and many apologies.

If she isn't then I would be wary of any friendship in the future with that person.

RooneyMara Sun 25-Nov-12 13:48:14

I mean she probably let it happen by accident, by being very disorganised, by giving in to them asking...I can totally see how it could happen.

BUT that doesn't mean she can give them back with damaged packaging, used batteries and grubby. She needs to stump up. It just puts you in the position of having to ask her to, which is really uncomfortable and unfair for you.

The thing about not being available for you to collect them from her house is making me hmm though, big time.

starfishmummy Sun 25-Nov-12 14:15:19

I would be furious, she should have put them somewhere safe and i would expect to get them back in the same condition as I left them. The dc were bought new toys so that is what they should have.
The friend should have got replacements to hand over without needing to be asked

Whocansay Sun 25-Nov-12 15:15:56

I am completely shock at this. She has clearly let the children play with these toys. They managed to get them out of the packaging (which would have taken time and possibly scissors), they are grubby (so they must have had them for a reasonable amount of time), AND she put batteries in them! She must have a real brass neck returning them at all! Tell her to give them to her children for Xmas and buy you replacements. Why should your children get the worse deal because she won't set proper boundaries for her children?

Also, I don't think you should be worrying about her financial situation as it is not something you can help or control. I don't think you should feel guilty for demanding new toys. She is completely in the wrong here and frankly isn't much of a friend for not just replacing them in the first place. If she'd done that, you'd never have known and wouldn't be put in this situation.

mirry2 Sun 25-Nov-12 15:47:49

I always insisted my dc ask me before getting things out of shopping bags. Am i being a bit old fashioned here?

My son NEVER opened anything without my permission (by that I mean I gave it to him). She has no respect for your things, if either of my Dc's did this I would be going ballistic and buying new ones for my friend, because their children shouldn't miss out because mine have no respect.

"Don't soft toys in a box normally have some cable tie type things to hold them in place in the packaging? You need a pair of scissors to get through them unless you're capable of ripping them through the cardboard"

That's what I thought.

I'd be fuming

clam Sun 25-Nov-12 16:23:06

"she prob would pay the money now but i know her kids will lose out and thats not really fair."

Her kids haven't lost out. They've had a ball with your kids' brand new Christmas presents. And were naughty to do it anyway, so need some sort of punishment or sanction, whichever you prefer to call it. So it's perfectly fair.

What's not fair is that your kids lose out.

BuntyPenfold Sun 25-Nov-12 16:55:10

I'd be fuming too. Basically, she has given them to her kids to play with. Your kids get them second-hand.

She wouldn't remain my friend. She may be broke, but she knows you are too.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 17:08:23

well i am back.

one was ok. the other had some wheatbix/ready breck on the back of his head but iv been able to clean them up. i literally knocked, asked for the toys told her i was very pissed and hurt at her and just to give me some space and ill phone her next week. she did appogise again and i know she feels at least shamfull over it.

i would imagin her or her one of her nephews (18 year old little "thug" who lives with them in the shed in the garden) has opened it and gave it to the kids as it wouldnt have been easy to get out of the box or it was her eldest who is big for his age and has quite a temper on him so its a possablity. .. but something went on there with no thought to me or my children.

right now imm giving her a wide birth.

i'll wrap them up, my eldest may notice about it not being in a box but ill tell him its so he can play with it straight away.

clam Sun 25-Nov-12 17:11:39

So, there's an 18 year old on the scene who, in the run-up to Christmas in a household with young children, saw some new boxed toys in a carrier bag and thought it would be a good idea to open them up and give them to the kids at the back end of November?

ENormaSnob Sun 25-Nov-12 17:13:48

She's a prick.

A fucking selfish prick. She needs to pay up and replace.

I would be more concerned with my own kids missing out because hers have had a ball playing with your kids presents. Tough shit if she has to go short, she should've thought about that.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sun 25-Nov-12 17:15:54

So she didn't offer to do anything to make up for it or to help you pay for new ones? shock

What a bitch!?

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 17:15:59

well i dont know. im just trying to think of how it could have happened. i dont think she would have said" here.. play with these" but shes not the best on keeping an out on things and knowing what her children are doing. they could have got it out and he could have helped open them not knowing any better if they where theirs or not.
i dunno. all she said was that they got hold of them.

Svrider Sun 25-Nov-12 17:16:48

Op I'm sad at your continual excuses for your friend
She failed to look after your children's things
I'd be carefully considering my friendship tbh
She obviously doesn't give a shit about you or your kids

BuntyPenfold Sun 25-Nov-12 17:17:27

Her nephew lives in the shed! sad

It doesn't sound a happy situation does it?

I think you may have to put this down to experience and forget the money, unfair though that is.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 17:19:08

i know.. i have been making excuses for her. but i honestly dont dont think she have let happen on purpose. and i know how broke she is. weather she does anything to help her situation or not. i know it'll be coming out the pot thats theri for her kids which will just me feel cruddy.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 17:21:01

he lives ther e on his own accord. hes allowed in the house and does regulary he chooses to for some peace lol.

BuntyPenfold Sun 25-Nov-12 17:22:19

You are a kind friend wonderingsoul

CSIJanner Sun 25-Nov-12 17:24:14

They got hold of them, got them out of the packaging, managed to find and put batteries in and then have been playing with them long enough to get their breakfast on them in front of her.

£30 - invoice her. Or as I said before, request she returns her Polly pockets and pay for new and give the pre loved talking friends to her own children as they enjoyed them so much.

Or better still, if the 18year old opened them for the children, he should pay. But I get a feeling that you'll probably have a snowflakes chance in hell from him. Wonder if he has any nectar points as Argos accept them as currency

The bottom line is that if it was me, I would be furious at the expectation that my children be placed second when hers haven't respected the cardinal Christmas rule of don't look and don't open because you never know if they're for another child or not, and from their ages, they should know better. Even my 4yearold respects the fact there's a pile of toys waiting to be wrapped. She'll ask if they're for her, but she'll wait. it's just a shame for yourself and your children

LIZS Sun 25-Nov-12 17:25:45

I think you will have to bin this "friend" . Ultimately she is responsible for what happened, actively or through negligence. No way could both children have got hold of them and taken out of box without either her or nephew's assistance or turning a blind eye. She didn't even make the effort to clean up the damage shock, that is how little respect she has. You started off saying you want money for replacements , now you waiver. Her kids and finances are not your problem. Make it clear what you expect and see whether she makes any effort to do so.

No offer to reimburse them?! You're being taken for a mug. She's certainly poor in respect for you. Id find new friends if I were you, she's not a good friend regardless of the excuses you've made.

flow4 Sun 25-Nov-12 17:31:09

I think you sound kind and thoughtful and caring and sensible, wondering. smile

RooneyMara Sun 25-Nov-12 17:31:22

Oh no this is awful. I don't know about your children but mine would have noticed at age 7.

You're letting them down by letting her off.

I'm sorry I know how hard it is sad and I am glad you told her how upset you are about it.

I'd be avoiding her totally unless she comes back to you with some form of apology and gives you something towards replacing them.

Honestly with friends like her who needs enemies...turn it around...would you have behaved like she has?

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 17:32:15

i know at the start i was raging. but iv clamed down, esp after ranting.

your possibaly right about ditching her, we have been friends for 10 years plus. iv told her i want some space from her and shall she how she reacts over the week and if she actually trys to make mends if not..well it has hit hoome after people pointing out how little respect it shows. if not i shall think about putting some distance between us.
theve come up good though and thats the main thing.

"one was ok. the other had some wheatbix/ready breck on the back of his head but iv been able to clean them up."

Did she not attempt to clean them? shock

Floggingmolly Sun 25-Nov-12 17:34:16

She handed them back covered in breakfast cereal. shock. Unbelievable that she hadn't the grace to salvage what she could.
Why are you still so concerned about the impact on her kids, op? You're being a complete martyr, she obviously couldn't give a shiney shite about yours.
She may have looked "shamed", but she gave them back covered in fucking porridge...

RooneyMara Sun 25-Nov-12 17:34:43

The fact she didn't even bother to clean them is just appalling.

I'm glad you can see that.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 17:37:51

i dont think im being a martyr.. well i dont mean to be. had they been toattaly unusable i would have asked for the money. but as they are i feel its the better option.

RooneyMara Sun 25-Nov-12 17:40:29

I presume they just ditched the boxes? sad

Honestly I can see you're making allowances as their life is chaotic - it isn't always black and white. I know that.

But it's out of order. You can't risk it happening again, that;s why you need to stop the 'friendship' to prevent a repeat of this sort of thing in the future - and if that means she loses a friend then that's what happens to people who abuse other people's possessions, or gifts for their children.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 17:44:36

rooneymara
you got it spot on. her life is chaotic. so much so that makes me anxiouse when she tells me about her troubles. it isnt black and white at all.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 25-Nov-12 17:46:59

wonderingsoul - it is good that you are able to take a calm approach to this (now), the toys are fine, the kids will love them, if the 7 year old notices he wont really care - he'll be more interested in the toy. Problem solved.

As for your friendship - it's hard to say (tbh she doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd be friends with in the first place), you have been friends for a long time, when you have fallen out in the past - what sort of things did you fall out about? Is this just a continuation of that? Do her good points outweigh her bad points or the other way around? Is she one of those people who are crap with 'stuff' but are always there if you need them? I have one friend who is like that, she's absolutely careless with stuff (hers, mine, everyones) and things tend to revolve around her BUT I know, that without a doubt if I asked her to do something important for me that if it was within her power to do it, she would - without hesitation, so the small day to day things don't matter to me. But you need to look at your friendship and see if it's good for you or not.

RooneyMara Sun 25-Nov-12 17:47:47

Yes I can see that. sad

The thing is - you can't let it hurt you, or your own kids iyswim?

This has affected your own children and made you upset too.

That means it's gone too far. You need to put measures in place to prevent it happening again - distance is a good one.
You sound like a nice friend but sometimes you have to step back and make sure that the person isn't making your life chaotic too.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 17:53:28

her good points do out weigh the bad. but if im brutelly honest we have grown apaprt in alot of ways. the major falling out we had ages back was due to her doing something i really didnt agree with and told her. but she was there when i needed there. she would help me out if i was to ask her.

i dont always agree with the stuff she does. and had i just met her we prob wouldnt be friends. but theres alot of history there. just we seem to have "grown up" differently, but the bad doesnt normally effect me or mine.shes not a nasty person just has alot on and copes the best she can if that makies sence.

mirry2 Sun 25-Nov-12 17:55:12

Do you know what? You sound like a lovely, caring friend, but sometimes you have to put yourself and your children first.

Nothing to say about the 'friend' that hasn't been said tbh. I think you are being very sweet about this. Looking at the articles in question - if you get a couple of plainish cardboard boxes - or cover some from the supermarket with paper - then fill it with paper shavings - you can get some from card shops etc in nice colours - then sit the cats in each box. That makes it even more of a present than getting it in the packaging iyswim.

wonderingsoul Sun 25-Nov-12 18:01:52

northernlurker

i love that idea!! i shall do that this week.

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Sun 25-Nov-12 18:09:11

sad Who lets their kids open and play with other childrens christmas gifts?

Just sad for you and your children.

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Sun 25-Nov-12 18:10:12

I like Northners idea too.

cashmere Sun 25-Nov-12 18:12:48

That's appalling- her DC have prob played with them till the novelty has worn off. I'd ask for them back and for payment for new ones. If you get the money you can sell the used ones and give her the money. If not give the used ones to your kids in Jan when it's a bit bleak anyway.

socharlotte Sun 25-Nov-12 18:14:48

I suppose she was tryinng to do you a favour by taking the toys back to her house and it all went wrong!
If she hasn't got the £30 then you won't get it back whether you fall out over it or not.I think to have a friend there when you needed her is worth more than money.
I would be pissed off though!!

Cahooots Sun 25-Nov-12 18:17:46

How about asking for a smaller amount of cash. I can't believe she didn't know her DC were playing with them unless she is blind and deaf. If she gave you £10 it would probably make you less pissed off and you could use the money to buy another 'new and still boxed' present for your DC.

sweetkitty Sun 25-Nov-12 18:21:09

I think what your friend has done is just terrible, I would be mortified if my DC did this. You would have specked her to clean them up at least.

In our house Santa doesn't wrap the main presents, he leaves them unwrapped for the wow factor, what about the box idea and wrapping a big ribbon around them each?

I've bought my lt second hand stuff before and will do again this year and they do not give one jot if it's wrapped or not.

thegreylady Sun 25-Nov-12 19:10:56

It isnt fair that her children have had the pleasure of the presents which were for your dc.I'm afraid I would insist that she keeps them and gives you the money now.She shouldn't have let her dc be able to get at them.She should be offering to pay!
Only read page one so far!

Pixel Sun 25-Nov-12 19:29:48

The fact that she knows what it's like to be short of cash and have to budget for presents makes it worse IMO. I don't know why you should be so worried about her financial situation when it's plain she doesn't give a stuff about yours!

lljkk Sun 25-Nov-12 19:36:06

I wouldn't condemn if she were my friend. I'd feel upset and angry, but more at circumstances than at her personally.

I don't think you should stop being friends over this. Maybe over a whole slew of other things, if you choose, but not over this single incident.
I wouldn't trust her with my stuff again, but I wouldn't want to lose a whole friendship over this single incident, either.

Sounds like you are both stuck between rocks & hard places.

fuzzpig Sun 25-Nov-12 19:43:57

I am still not sure if her DCs miraculously managed to avoid opening their presents?

I'd be gutted. I have nothing against used stuff and we get loads from eBay/charity but Xmas pressies are always new here (that's not a judgement on others' choices, just saying I understand why it's really taken the shine off it - literally!)

I am very very scatty but if I'm looking after something for somebody else I am super careful.

The fact that she knows what it's like to be short of cash and have to budget for presents makes it worse IMO
I agree.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sun 25-Nov-12 21:12:20

If she had any inkling that the kids or 18 year old would get their mits on the gifts, she should have put them somewhere away and out of reach. Instead she chose to leave them in an accessible location.

My own kids would never rifle through bags or open a new box without asking first.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sun 25-Nov-12 21:13:05

I agree it shows little consideration for you and your family and your financial situation.

Glad you got them back OP. I would still be appalled that she had the gall to look shame faced but hand over toys covered in breakfast cereal without even the attempt of cleaning it up. The boxes had presumably been damaged beyond repair? And your friend put batteries in and turned a blind eye to the children playing with toys that she was 100% aware were not theirs? Regardless of chaos at home I ALWAYS know what my DD is up to and what she is playing with as she is light fingered around the house likes to rummage...grin she needs to apologise profusely and at least offer a token payment towards them as she has drastically reduced their value if you were to try and sell them say, on eBay. Her children and whether directly or indirectly, your friend have done a thoughtless thing and barely showed remorse. She wouldn't be me friend for long...

Pictureperfect Mon 26-Nov-12 02:25:15

I know someone who takes all her child's packaging off the presents, elves make toys not boxes and plastic. Could the elves of made them if your children even notice? I would be a bit peeved but you say she is a good friend, something's are just better let go for the sake of the friendship, she is probably feeling bad about it

Pictureperfect Mon 26-Nov-12 02:31:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pictureperfect Mon 26-Nov-12 02:37:49

Sorry, I had 2 threads open and posted on the wrong one

PurplePidjin Mon 26-Nov-12 02:49:39

The way i see it, she took £30 of brand new toys from you and returned £5 of grubby second hand tat.

Isn't that stealing?

Lots of ways to salvage the presents but no way to salvage that piss-poor excuse for a friendship angry

DowntonTrout Mon 26-Nov-12 08:19:37

The way I see it- the kids could have got hold of the boxed toys and ripped them open somehow without her knowing. You could put that down as unfortunate, but not the end of the world.

At the point of discovering this any of us would have been mortified, taken them off our DCs, done our best to make sure they weren't damaged, and either offered to buy new ones for you, or at the very least apologised profusely.

The fact is she continued to allow her DCs to play with them, to the point of getting breakfast cereal on, then handed them back to you, under duress, without even bothering to wipe them. It is that part of it that would make me angry.

I have no problem with second hand toys, I've bought stuff off eBay before, but the OP bought new and now they are used. Everyone is right, in that the kids won't be bothered, but it would leave a very sour taste in my mouth that a "friend" would be so disrespectful. She obviously has problems that run much deeper, by the sound of it.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Mon 26-Nov-12 08:25:49

I agree with everyone about your friend being totally out of order

But as you've decided to keep the toys (and I think you sound like such a lovely person, I hope your 'friend' realises how lucky she is) the box with shavings is a great idea but also something I do for my little ones to make it more exciting is to get a big box and fill it with blown up balloons and the present in the middle, they love it and it's cheap!

WinterWinds Mon 26-Nov-12 09:08:28

Well OP, you are a better woman than me, i'm not sure i would have been so understanding.
If you saved and budgeted for a few months to enable you to buy new, then new is what you should have. I wouldn't settle for any less TBH.

I would also be mortified if any of my Dc's had done that and i would have been down on my knees apologising and offering replacements even if i couldn't afford it.

The fact that she did neither of these and the fact she didn't even attempt to clean the toys before returning, Speaks volumes. She doesn't respect other people and has no regard for others belongings.

I am afraid i would use this week to seriously rethink your friendship with her.

myfirstkitchen Mon 26-Nov-12 09:31:07

she's a cow.

does she smoke? as it's a month until christmas and surely - i do know what it's like to be broke - she can find £30 for new ones. and if she has to go without something, fags, booze etc TOUGH

Graceparkhill Mon 26-Nov-12 09:40:39

OP - you sound like a lovely,compassionate person. Your DC are lucky to have you as a mum and I think that is worth more than any amount of presents.

You and your friend both sound under a lot of financial pressure and, as the mother of 2 DSs now aged 20 and 13 I just want to let you know your children will enjoy Christmas despite this unhappy episode. They will be oblivious.

I would just say to be careful that you are not being taken advantage of by your friend. Her circumstances do not exclude her from saying sorry and making amends.

Have a lovely Christmas!

AuntieMaggie Mon 26-Nov-12 09:53:47

For me its not so much that her children got their hands on them (though that would still make me cross) its how she has acted about it since... it shows complete lack of respect for you.

I think she delayed giving them back to you because she knew what state they were in.

Perhaps unbox any other presents too before wrapping them up so it takes the attention away from them?

You sound lovely and I hope you and your children have a lovely xmas.

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 26-Nov-12 10:01:43

My friend did this to me on a bigger scale. She house sat for me for eighteen months and clearly is not the housewife i am. Friendship is all but wrecked. Its really hurtful when something that means the world to you is treated with so little respect. Think you need to deal head on or else bad feeling will fester. Re presents, kids wont notice, trust me, but if it really upsets ypu, just go back to argos. Yes it might seem unethical but as they are part of workfare think its fair do's!

Icelollycraving Mon 26-Nov-12 10:03:40

Could you make a little cat bed for them & have them in a really big box under the tree? She is completely unreasonable to not try to clean up the cereal off them,I assume she is there when they eat?!

Floggingmolly Mon 26-Nov-12 12:23:13

Go back to Argos, Fergus?? Do you really think Argos will exchange perfectly functioning toys that have however unfortunately been opened and played with (and covered in crap)? hmm
Yes, it is unethical, and op wouldn't have a hope in hell of persuading the shop that that's the condition they were bought in, even if she was low enough to do it.

Fakebook Mon 26-Nov-12 13:10:24

I know it's too late now, but I saw some Talking Toms in TK Maxx the other day for £12.99.

I am shocked she didn't even attempt to clean them up, and if you DO see your children playing with something that they're not supposed to, your first instinct would be to get them out of their hands ASAP. How long were those toys left so they got weetabix and shit on them? Your friend is not a friend. Glad you're giving her a wide berth.

MrsMushroom Mon 26-Nov-12 13:36:05

I am shocked that she allowed this! She should have put them safely right away. The fact that she never, shows that she is thoughtless.

I am also struggling for money but I would OF COURSE replace them. She's very, very rude.

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