to bugger off and leave DP with DS over night? -long

(149 Posts)
lola88 Sat 24-Nov-12 15:29:57

not so much AIBU but should i?

DP seriously thinks maternity leave is a year long holiday and i sit about watch telly and drinking cups of tea all day. DS still doesn't sleep through the night at 10mo but i quote 'it's not like you have anything to do in the day' so it doesn't matter that i'm constantly shattered because i'll obviously just be sitting around all day and can sleep when i want. Obviously this is bull i hardly sit down these days.

So last night i stayed with my mum as i had the downstairs carpets cleaned and it's not practical keeping a crawling baby off the floor for 24 hours so DP got a full sleep andd lie in, i got 5 hours sleep and up at 7. Dp went out with his mum at 2 taking DS with him as i said i didn't want to go (came home for some peace) DP has already been on the phone complaining that DS has been screaming his head off because he was woken up from a nap to early rookie error and when he comes home it's my turn.

My mums invited me round to hers tonight as she's having a few friends over and said i should stay to let DP see what it's really like being me (he's never been up in the night then got up in the morning) I had said no as i'm worried that DP won't cope with no sleep and i was away from home last night but after this whining phone call about the baby crying and it being stressful as if i've never had to deal with it i'm thinking about going round to stay at my mums.

DP said i should go tonight when i told him about it last night so he won't object so should i chuck him head first in the deep end and just go out?

TeeHollyandTeeIvy Sat 24-Nov-12 15:31:25

Hand the baby over and walk out the door. Turn off your mobile.

Try to be gone for more than one day.


lookingfoxy Sat 24-Nov-12 15:32:32

Yes go.
And don't be back first thing in the morning either.

3littlefrogs Sat 24-Nov-12 15:33:53

Absolutely. GO.

You need a break, and your DP needs to learn to be a parent.

Kafri Sat 24-Nov-12 15:34:10

Go for it!! Your nights out are few and far between. DP is a big boy, he'll cope.
If he's capable of making the baby, he's capable of taking care of the baby!

And, if he sees its not all a walk in the park (not that I'm saying you don't enjoy it, just that its not always easy).....BONUS!!!

EasilyBored Sat 24-Nov-12 15:35:21

Go. Have a good time and a decent lie in the next day.

ScrambledSmegs Sat 24-Nov-12 15:35:46

Do it. You need proper rest. He needs to learn what a twat he is bond with his son.

Win/win grin

Go! And ask him to do the washing up/laundry/whatever task you usually have to do but which he'll find impossible while watching dc grin wink

Definitely go! Cannot believe baby has got to 10 months and he has never got up in the night and then up in the morning. I'm sorry but that's pretty shitty of him!

Give him a taste of his own smug ignorant medicine!

Besides, I'm assuming you haven't had any "time off" in 10 months. Can't exactly begrudge you an evening at your mums can he!

Does he think DS sits cooing during the day and lets you have a catch up on the sleep you've missed during the night?? hmm

LemonBreeland Sat 24-Nov-12 15:40:00

Go Go Go!!! He can't screw up too much in one night and he may respect you a little more tomorrow.

Make sure you turn your phone off or he will be begging you to come home at 6am tomorrow.

UrbanSpaceManBaby Sat 24-Nov-12 15:40:07

Go, I'm No 8, your mum says go, what are you waiting for...

Hopeforever Sat 24-Nov-12 15:40:58

What are you waiting for, get your bag and go

5madthings Sat 24-Nov-12 15:43:37

go go go!

he will learn and its about time he does (your dh i mean)

Euphemia Sat 24-Nov-12 15:47:14

I second turning your phone off! Does he think women are born knowing how to look after babies?! He needs to learn, what to do if DS screams, etc., just like you did!

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sat 24-Nov-12 15:47:18

Go! There's no better way for your DH to see what it is really like to get up at the arse-crack of dawn after a broken night's sleep.

Plus you'll get to enjoy yourself having a night off, AND get a lie in.

Don't forget to throw a few everyday jobs at him that you need done as you leave the door, like washing up, hoovering, a load or two of washing...


CaroleService Sat 24-Nov-12 15:59:51


lola88 Sat 24-Nov-12 16:16:02

I've just txt to say i'm going round.

He's not a bad guy he just has no idea what i do all day because he's never had to do more than one thing at a time, he has DS and thats all or we go out he cleans up. Childcare cleaning up cooking and all on hardly any sleep will deff give him a shock... or i will come back to shithole with him handing DS over before hiding in bed for a week

lola88 Sat 24-Nov-12 16:21:02

txt back saying ok but can you put DS to bed because i've had him all day eh since 2 not all day i txt back saying it's your turn for bedtime he txt back saying but DS will have missed you he's not seen you for ages n won't see you til whatever time tomorrow, so then i txt back saying that was a nice guilt trip thanks then he txt back never mind i'm just thinking of DS...HAHAHA and the games begin smile

forevergreek Sat 24-Nov-12 16:27:30

just say, he will be fine, give me a call before bed and i can always say night to him on the phone. have fun, see you both tomorrow

TeeHollyandTeeIvy Sat 24-Nov-12 16:28:41

Turn off your mobile!

longjane Sat 24-Nov-12 16:32:21

turn your mobile off and go out

have a lovely evening and sleep

StuntGirl Sat 24-Nov-12 16:32:46

Another one agreeing you should go, turn off your mobile and don't rush back in the morning. You can deal with your son because you learnt how to by doing it every day. Your partner needs to know how to deal with your son alone too!

I get that with bedtime. 'Oh, you haven't spent as much time with her, you should do bedtime'. He thinks he's being crafty.

Go and have a lovely time.

Euphemia Sat 24-Nov-12 16:38:58

And he needs to do it properly, with maturity and dignity, not turning the place into a bombsite, DS filthy, etc., and moaning and whinging that he's just not as good at it as you, you've had more practice, wah wah wah!

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 16:42:08

turn off your phone (tell him why...he is being an arse and spoiling your child free time on purpose) and don't roll back home until you have had a proper lie in and a leisurely breakfast

that should bring you until about 2pm Sunday, not a minute before

GhostShip Sat 24-Nov-12 16:42:59


Mumsnet tells you to.

Euphemia Sat 24-Nov-12 16:44:30

2pm at the earliest, maybe think of "something" you need to get in town first ...


PuppyMonkey Sat 24-Nov-12 16:45:16

No brainer - off you go.

MontBlanc Sat 24-Nov-12 16:55:41

GO! I'll tell you why - I have the very occasional day/night off and I come back to SUCH a grateful DH who has new insight into what I do everyday.

It's good for them and they need to know how to take full responsibility now and again (plus I think it empowers them to do it more often).

Otherwise you'll get into a situation like my friend who has not left her child with her DH for even ONE evening (let alone an overnight stay) in two years because poor DH just wouldn't cope, 'can't' put the child down to bed as he 'won't let him' and needs his mum and all that nonsense.

blackeyedsusan Sat 24-Nov-12 17:04:53

go out. turn off you mobile. report back on him tomorrow. we will have wine ready!

Go, have a great, relaxed evening, and don't forget to text DP in the morning asking what time your roast Sunday dinner will be ready :D

Tailtwister Sat 24-Nov-12 17:09:56

Yes, go. He has no idea does he? This is your chance to give him a taste of what you have to do. Have a lovely evening and a long lie in tomorrow too.

Jacksmania Sat 24-Nov-12 17:22:45

Go. You need to. He is an arse.

I second turning off your phone and telling him why. You're surely not unreachable at your mum's, unless she has no landline? Tell him not to call you unless it's an emergency.

Bogeyface Sat 24-Nov-12 17:35:35

I dont understand men like this. My H takes great pride in his abilities as a parent, he will cheerfully do early mornings and/or night wakings, infact he is better at them than me as I take ages to wake up! He can cope just as well as I can with the kids all day, do dinner, bath, bedtime etc. He has said before, about a friend of ours who sounds just like your H, that he would be ashamed of not being able to take care of his own child.

FYI, he will very likely ring you later with some made up reason why you must come home, so be prepared for that.

impty Sat 24-Nov-12 18:00:44

Go, stay until 2pm switch off your phone. Have a lovely night.

I'm always more appreciated if DH is left to it for a while!

CailinDana Sat 24-Nov-12 18:08:30

What I always think is hilarious about situations like this is that when the woman looks after the children, it's piss easy, it's not tiring, you can sleep when you like yada yada. But when the man does it, it's oh so tiring, it's boring, they're knackered blah blah blah. How on earth does that work? If he think you sit around all day eating biscuits and drifting in and out of peaceful naps, perhaps he could do it every weekend? Call him on his bullshit OP - if it's hard for him then it's hard for you.

NatashaBee Sat 24-Nov-12 18:15:17


VIX1980 Sat 24-Nov-12 18:19:50

pack your things and run, run as fast as you can.

Just hope your dp doesnt do what mine would do and have his mum come round to help him out, perhaps if you get on well enough with her ring to say if he asks dont go please, im trying to get him to see what its like for me.

helpyourself Sat 24-Nov-12 18:24:28

Hope you have a great evening.

BelaLugosisShed Sat 24-Nov-12 18:30:58

Ask him what time he's cooking lunch so you know when to be home wink.

littlewhitebag Sat 24-Nov-12 18:34:59

Go - and make sure you drink some wine so you cannot drive home under any circumstances if he calls you later!

caramelwaffle Sat 24-Nov-12 18:56:00


Curtsey Sat 24-Nov-12 19:03:21

I think you're being bit unfair to your DP.




And make sure you're not back until lunchtime. So you get a nice long sleep (although you probably won't because your missing dc).

OHforDUCKScake Sat 24-Nov-12 19:54:12

Have a lovely night off. Look forward to the big smile and the 'its not easy is it?'

Come back tomorrow, tell us what a good time you had and how DP coped.

Enjoy. smile

OddBoots Sat 24-Nov-12 19:56:26

Go, have a lovely night and don't let any of his guilt trips touch you.

peppajay Sat 24-Nov-12 20:05:36

I can't beleive how every one just jumps on the " go and leave him to it" my hubby is like this and he will not have kids overnight and no he couldn't cope. Not every man feels. Comfortable in charge of such a all precious thing and especially at 10 months I would never have left my kids then because my baby wouldn't have been comfortable with it my hubby wouldn't and I certainly wouldn't have been to relax. So many women these days treat their partner with no respect and just expect hem to do as they say but everyone has to be comfortable with the decision great but cut them slack if they are not comfortable it is selfish just to up and go. My hubby isn't very pro active with the kids he does his bit but leaving him alone with them for more than hr would tip him over the edge. He does so much for us on other ways do please ladies just remember they are human to and I can't beleive how harsh some of you are no wonder so many relationships end in divorce if the way you talk to your husbands on this thread is anything to go by!

BliztenShitzinURWheelieBin Sat 24-Nov-12 20:07:36

Expecting a man to care for his baby is a lack of respect!



OddBoots Sat 24-Nov-12 20:08:51

I take it you mean not every person feels comfortable in charge of a precious thing?

If a dad did all the day to day care but wanted a night out I'd be telling him to go too, they are both parents.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 20:10:10

peppa, your husband is being treated like a child himself

by you

don't be surprised if he gets fed up of being patronised by a mummy figure

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 24-Nov-12 20:12:06

Peppajay that's fricken hilarious grin. By the way, the 1950's called, they want their attitude back hmm.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 24-Nov-12 20:13:49

Do not fall for any of it

Go to your Mums, make plans for tomorrow etc and tell him that next time he even hints at ML being a pisstake then you will book a holiday with your Mum, of at least a week, and you will fire him as your DH if you come home to a mess.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 20:14:49

it's funny how peppa warns of marriage breakdown because us bolshy women expect our partners to step up and be a man

her situation is a cliche for the male partner to feel pushed out by the children, so he fucks other women to feel like a man again

beware what judgements you make, peppa

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 24-Nov-12 20:15:00

Peppajay is a man. Fact.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 20:15:44

you are probably right, chip

a man from a MRA site

"for the male partner to feel pushed out by the children, so he fucks other women to feel like a man again" Ouch but true. My ExH couldn't cope I always looked after the kids etc and he had an affair and left me, he also said he was jealous of the kids and felt pushed out <sigh> I could have almost written Peppa's post 5 years ago.

I wish I'd done Lola's idea tbh. Have a great time smile

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 20:23:06

sorry for the "ouch" factor, Don'tStep

smile AF

To be fair he was a twat. If you remember the thread under my old name.

Where's Peppa gone? wink

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 20:29:31

I do remember it, Dontstep

and yes, he was a twat


peppajay Sat 24-Nov-12 20:57:43

Believe me I wish he could and would do more but he mentally cannot cope, he has tried to do more but he reached breakdown point 2 yrs ago whilst he looked after my son who was about 14 mths at the time for an hour. I came home and found my DS strapped in the highchair and my DH crying in a heap on the floor. He had told me time and time again that he wasnt comfortable being in sole charge of a baby and I hadnt listened. He actually suffered from depression after this incident because he felt he had failed as a dad and was on anti depressants for almost 2 yrs, but there are issues from his childhood and the way he was brought up that make him react like this. He is still having counselling and we are getting there.

My kids are 5 and 4 now and will look after them seperately for a day but not together and often puts them to bed as I play netball twice a week. We go out loads as a family and my DD the 5 yr old dotes on him and they have a lovely relationship. It took me time to realise that not every man can be superdad instantly it takes time and my DH has come so far since his breakdown 3 yrs ago and I hope that soon he will feel able to do more. The next step is for to have both kids all day and I reckon soon he will but it is not for me to make this decison when he feels ready when he feels ready he will do it. He doesnt want to be like this, when we are out as a family and we see dads out with their kids he gets so angry that why can't he do that!!

The OP's partner is a new dad and he has only known his baby for 10 months, he probably feels scared if something happens what will he do, how will be stop the crying etc!! Sometimes instead of slagging these men off women do need to take a step back and think 'actually these men are struggling as well'!!Like my dad once said after my DH's breaksown, 30 yrs ago this never happened because men were never left in charge of the children and to some men FATHERHOOD needs to be learnt as it doesn't come naturally to them.

A bit of give and take and taking other peoples feelings into account never hurt anyone!!

anastaisia Sat 24-Nov-12 21:01:26

I think if a PERSON has mental health issues that's slightly different - it's not to do with your husband being male though peppa

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 21:09:46 you think women never have these fears that they cannot cope ?

you are making excuses for the fact he has a penis

and tbh, if I came home after an hour to find my H crying on the floor because he had to look after a defenceless baby I would run a fucking mile

I would not be micro-managing a grown adult in the care of his children, i would be cutting him loose and going it alone

I have enough children to care for in my life, without taking on a supersize one

TeeHollyandTeeIvy Sat 24-Nov-12 21:10:26

Your husband did not have a mental breakdown and go on antids for 2 years because he was left in charge of a 14 month old for an hour and you're a fool for believing this.

He was well on the way to the breakdown long before you left him with your child.

And yes, I am stating this as fact.

peppajay Sat 24-Nov-12 21:17:27

No it wasn't the only factor but definitely contributed to it!!! Like I say he is doing so much better now and enjoying being a dad and perhaps this is how the OP's partner feels. All I am saying is she should take her partners feelings into consideration!

MontBlanc Sat 24-Nov-12 21:17:48

So peppa what happens if a woman feels like crying in a heap after an hour looking after a 14 month year old?

Oh yeah loads of us have felt like that but we have to 'man up' (the irony) and cope because there is no-one who is about to come home and relieve us because we 'can't cope'.

BliztenShitzinURWheelieBin Sat 24-Nov-12 21:18:25

I agree with tee. Clearly there are other issues and its ridiculous comparing him with other husbands.

BliztenShitzinURWheelieBin Sat 24-Nov-12 21:19:45

What about her feelings? What about her having a break?

It's only one cocking night. Jeeeeeeze.

IllageVidiot Sat 24-Nov-12 21:22:43

I love you AF.

I don't even care that you don't love me back!

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 21:24:14

IllageVidiot...I might love you if I knew who you were grin

that's a great name though

IllageVidiot Sat 24-Nov-12 21:25:48

TeeHollyandTeeIvy - also getting a girl crush on you. Fact.

Peppa - I don't know what kind of excuses you've had to give yourself to be able to cope with your situation but your viewpoint is warped and your reasoning skewed. So is your experience of mental illness. As related here anyway.

IllageVidiot Sat 24-Nov-12 21:27:55

Shh I'm in seasonal hiding AF! But I was a regular on Relationships for a while. Before I started prodding AIBU like a tooth cavity - it's painful but you just can't stop yourself.

The OP's partner seemed fine by text when she said she was going to her Mum's. It wasn't an issue confused I really think there is no comparison with your H Peppa confused

It's no use, I still agree with AF, especially her last post. I'm sounding Sycophantic now grin

I keep drawing parallels with Peppa's H. My ExH still cannot cope with looking after both kids on his own for long and they're 3 & 5. AF is so right, two children is hard enough, I did feel like I had 3. I admire you Peppa, as these days I'm grateful I'm alone.

CPtart Sat 24-Nov-12 21:28:58

MOTHERHOOD also often needs to be learnt and doesn't always come naturally either.

What would happen peppa if god forbid you got ill and needed hospitalising, or worse!

NatashaBee Sat 24-Nov-12 21:29:09

peppa, what would your husband do if you were unable to cope with your children for some reason? (illness or depression, work commitments, wanting to visit family?) . Have you really never been able to have time on your own without your kids, because he can't cope?

TeeHollyandTeeIvy Sat 24-Nov-12 21:29:27

FFS I am a depressive and borderline agoraphobic. You know what? I keep coping with my 3 year old anyway. I've been a heap on the floor many many times.

You know what I do? I cry, I get over it, I get up and I keep going.

Because that's what a parent does. Fuck gender.

Aww, you're sweet IllageVidiot. I like your name also.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 21:30:12

that's not a seasonal name, Illage !

An IllageVidiot is for life, not just for xmas ! wink

BlingLoving Sat 24-Nov-12 21:31:43

I think Peppa's situation sounds a bit strange but even giving her the benefit of doh t and that her dh has genuine issues, the op's situation is not the same. Her dh thinks she sits around all day because apparently looking after a baby is easy. But he then can't do it himself?! Peppa: if your dh genuinely has problems, I hope he isn't then Dismissive of what you do for your dc.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 21:32:07

tee, I have a mini-pash on you too

it seems women just get on with it...and those in possession of a penis can't cope

feminism's not just for feminists !

TeeHollyandTeeIvy Sat 24-Nov-12 21:32:39

Strange? Her situation is fucking tragic.

I hope you never get ill yourself Peppa, because your kids will be in big big trouble.

TeeHollyandTeeIvy Sat 24-Nov-12 21:34:15

So true, AF. So true. Although my husband is quite good at 'just getting on with it' a lot of the time. Not all the time, but a good portion of the time!

It's part of why I married him.

I also married him to save on ladders (he's 6'2" to my 5'2") and because he knows computer coding languages I don't.


SamSmalaidh Sat 24-Nov-12 21:36:03

It's ok Peppa, the OP's DP is not so severely mentally unwell that he cannot cope with simple, everyday tasks hmm

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 21:37:51

tee, I cast no aspersions on your particular husband smile

Uppermid Sat 24-Nov-12 21:38:35

Peppa, don't get me wrong I think there is some truth in what you say, but what happens if its the woman who can't cope? Is she let of purely because of gender? Is she hell.

What would happen if the op were to become ill, or was in an accident? He'd have to do it then wouldn't he.

He hasn't said he's too sacred to look after his son, he's said that its easy and questioned why his partner is so tired, well time for him to find out.

EasilyBored Sat 24-Nov-12 21:39:27

If someone can't cope with a small baby for 1 hour, I would presume they had Niger issues.

I also assume that these parents who can't cope on their own for a few hours somehow manage to look after themselves and get to work on time etc? If that is the case, they are clearly capable of parenting a small.child, alone, for a short period of time.

EasilyBored Sat 24-Nov-12 21:40:34

Bigger issues.


You certainly did not, AF and I apologize for making it seem like you did.


AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 21:44:45

too sacred to look after a child

a great typo if I ever I saw one smile

I know tee...but my head is spinning now with your tee names grin

Sorry. Things going on on another thread!!

I'm still just Tee. grin

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 21:47:50

tee hee grin

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 21:56:11

Blimey - my DH was far better with babies/toddlers than I ever was - any excuse and I was off like a shot leaving him with them. Cant stand that whole mewling/puking stage - far prefer children when they are interesting.

So peppa not all men have the heebiejeebies when faced with a small person. And not all women are mother earth either.

StuntGirl Sat 24-Nov-12 22:06:04

Peppa your husband's problems clearly stem from something bigger, as he quite clearly already had very severe depression/anxiety to have had such a severe reaction in such a short amount of time. That event was simply a trigger for a problem that already existed. Your husband is more than capable of looking after his own children, if he has thr support from his family (including YOU) to do so.

OP I hope you're enjoying your night out!

IllageVidiot Sat 24-Nov-12 22:06:14

AF - Snort, sadly true I am the lifelong IllageVidiot...I may put bells on for Christmas, but it's still November so not yet. I'm warming up to it. I had to resist the urge to pop an inflatable Santa last week. Because I am mean I wanted to, because the kids were watching I didn't, minor redemption.

Ha, I did wonder about Niger issues...river phobia causes child panic?!

Tee - you are fab. I quite frequently had a cry, but I married a man that is an excellent parent. I'm the tall one though, he's little - I would say fun sized but he starts inappropriate penis jokes if he catches me saying it!

waltermittymistletoe Sat 24-Nov-12 22:10:53

You came home and found him crying in a heap on the floor because he had the baby. For an hour.

Yeah, ok.

Thanks Illage. Do I know you under another name?

Snek at fun size and penis jokes!

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 22:42:20

I like Fun Size Mars bars

Except I eat 6 of 'em in one sitting

it kinda defeats the object

whatsforyou Sat 24-Nov-12 22:53:40

What if you die, or get really ill and can't cope. What if one day you get depressed and end up crying on the floor because you can't cope with your own children? Will your husband just phone social services and ask someone to take them away because he can't deal with them?

I'm not trying to belittle your husband's mental health issues which he clearly has but trying to compare your situation to the op's is nonsense. Her partner has never taken responsibility for his own child yet feels able to comment on her ability to cope.
He needs a good dose of reality, pack your bags op,
and don't dare go back before lunchtime!

Bogeyface Sat 24-Nov-12 22:58:23

As I said before, my husband, and my ex for that matter, both take great pride in the parenting skills. I am the primary carer but in many ways they are far better than me as they both have more patience and more understanding. I wouldnt settle for anything less than a man who was capable and willing because, as has been mentioned, I need to know that if something happens to me then they are in safe hands. I couldn't bear the thought that if I died or was incapacitated in some way, that they weren't taken care of properly.

That and the fact that nothing is a bigger turn off than a manchild who a) cant cope with and b) is jealous of his own child!

steppemum Sat 24-Nov-12 23:08:25

'he has only known the baby for 10 months'

sorry but this really made me laugh.

The day we took our first dc home, we had known him for 5 minutes, but we were now responsible for everything for him, for ever.

so if I went squeamish and said 'Oh I don't think I can manage' then who looks after the baby?

Not all men can cope with small babies???? Not all new mothers know what to do either, but no-one says never mind you just leave it all to me, don't worry your little head about it, I'll look after the baby for you. You just have to do it as a parent, you learn, and cope, and keep going.

steppemum Sat 24-Nov-12 23:09:31

and i learnt really early on, butt out and let dh have his own relationship with his kids, he won't do it my way but his way, and there is no law to say my way os right.

CailinDana Sun 25-Nov-12 06:43:15

Peppa - so a woman has to look after a baby from day one but a man has to have at least ten months (if not more) to get used to it? Really?

Are you seriously suggesting a woman has to just look after the children constantly for fear their useless "father" won't cope?

Your DH has severe mental health issues. That's hard for him, and for you. But most people don't have mental health issues are perfectly capable of looking after their children. To suggest that the OP should never leave the house because her partner is a man is extremely weird. What if her partner were a woman?

"But most people don't have mental health issues are perfectly capable of looking after their children."

And those of us who do have mental health issues are still perfectly capable of looking after our children.

Kalisi Sun 25-Nov-12 09:33:46

What Bull Peppa! Has your DH received professional help for what is clearly a severe psychological issue? Or have you just been pussyfooting around him for the last few years? Please don't think this is a dig at mental health issues, but you need to see that this reaction was not normal and not an excuse to step back from parenting. You need to be actively seeking help for his condition.
The OP's problem is very different. It is NOT acceptable for a parent to wait 10 months before taking responsibility for a child. Let us know how it went. Be prepared for him to say ds was a complete angel for him though. Happens every time!

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Sun 25-Nov-12 09:40:10

I have just laughed loudly at Peppa's post!

It's because of women like you that men have the choice to opt out of parenthood and responsibility.

waltermittymistletoe Sun 25-Nov-12 09:45:22

I don't think Peppa was, how should I phrase this, entirely serious with her posts.

ChasedByBees Sun 25-Nov-12 09:57:49

So Lola how did it go? Hope you had a nice lie in! I also have a 10mo and I've not slept more than 3 hours in one go this entire year.

CailinDana Sun 25-Nov-12 10:00:12

True Yank - I should have said "most people don't have mental health issues like your DH" - ie issues that cause him to have a breakdown after looking after a child for an hour. Plenty of women with PND and many other illnesses look after their children very well.

I, respectfully, disagree waltermittymistletoe.

There is a lot of that attitude around, really.

peppajay Sun 25-Nov-12 12:06:32

Am totally serious and obviously my parenting ideas are different to you lot on here. Seriously I thought my views were of the norm because out of my group of girlfriends about 12 of us we never have and would never even think of leaving a baby with their dad overnight if the dad wasn't happy with it. I am happy doing it my way and considering feelings if my partner. We are a very happy family and we enjoy doing things as a family but I am the primary carer and my dh looks after us I other ways'

Well, then I am very sad for you peppa and your friends. Making your children your sole responsibility is not good for you, them or you husband.

I truly hope you never have to be in hospital for anything as your children will have to be looked after by someone and your husband will be less than useless.

Euphemia Sun 25-Nov-12 12:13:00

Peppa I think you're making a rod for your back here. What if DH is left on his own because you've been hospitalised, and he's no idea what to do?

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 12:13:00

peppa...I imagine you living in a special enclave of the UK where silly things like feminism and suchlike have not yet reached

in fact, I am amazed you have broadband...let's hope you catch on to the rest of reality very soon wink

mrskeithrichards Sun 25-Nov-12 12:17:47

This is pathetic. I bet the op didn't go.

Why do people put up with this shit from the man child they reproduce with?

SamSmalaidh Sun 25-Nov-12 12:18:57

Luckily Peppa, none of my friends were daft enough to have a baby with someone who wasn't willing to do some childcare!

waltermittymistletoe Sun 25-Nov-12 12:21:41

Well then I hope to God that there are only 13 women in the UK with that attitude. Your 12 friends and you.


CailinDana Sun 25-Nov-12 12:22:37

Peppa - genuine question - do those men that you're talking about stay in every night? Or do they go out and leave the mothers to look after the children? What if the mothers don't want to look after the children over night on their own? Do the men just say "Of course I won't go out until you're happy with it"? Because I would agree, if both partners wait until each are ready before leaving the other on their own then that's fair and considerate. But I'm guessing these men are perfectly happen to leave the women on their own all night and for weekends regardless of how hard the women find it. Am I right?

CailinDana Sun 25-Nov-12 12:35:06

perfectly happy

BliztenShitzinURWheelieBin Sun 25-Nov-12 13:26:33

Well good for you peppa.

You might enjoy being a martyr but ill carry on as is thanks.

MontBlanc Sun 25-Nov-12 14:08:33

Come on OP, how did it go!? I'm really hoping you didn't get home to find your DH curled up in a ball crying in the corner of a room!!

Euphemia Sun 25-Nov-12 14:16:55

I hope she's still in bed. smile

nightowlmostly Sun 25-Nov-12 14:26:50

I'm waiting for an update as well, would love to know how it went!

Also finding all this 'men just can't cope, the poor dears' extremely patronising to men in general! My DH will be stay at home dad in a month, just as DS is 10 months old! It's a nonsense to suggest that men by nature are any different when it comes to learning how to deal with their kids. It's hard for everyone sometimes, a grown up will deal with it.

steppemum Sun 25-Nov-12 20:18:41

peppa. I am the primary carer because my dh works full time and I don't. I breast fed for 1 year, so it was hard to leave dcs with dh as he can't breast feed. But I still managed to leave them with him on many occasions, whether while I nipped to the shops, or (once i wasn't breastfeeding) for days while I did other things. But he was also involved with them, bed times etc. he was basically thier Dad.

When my youngest was 1.5, we were emergency evacuated from where we were living for medical reasons. It was me and dd2. Dh and ds and dd1 had to stay put. He was suddenly catapulted into full time carer for 1 month. He just did it, no problems, he just worked it out. A few months later, I was in hospital with dd2 for a week, again, he had no choice.

What would you do if one of your was in hospital?

steppemum Sun 25-Nov-12 20:20:56

nightowl, you post reminded me, dd1 did her promise at Brownies alondside her friend.

Stood around afterwards with friend's Dad discussing sewing on badges (his tip - use superglue, as they are a nightmare to sew) then we looked at each other and laughed, he said I can't believe I have just had a conversation about the best way to sew on badges!! he has been SAHD since Sept.

MadameCreeper Sun 25-Nov-12 20:51:33
Bogeyface Sun 25-Nov-12 20:57:11

Another thought Peppa

Does your DH work and you SAHM? What is the arrangement? What would happen if your DH lost his job and you had to work FT? My husband found himself out of a job with no notice on Tuesday when the parent company folded, so we are both looking for work. Childcare costs mean that we have to work opposite shifts if we can, or whoever can get a job first will work FT and the other will be the SAHP until DD is old enough atleast for her free nursery hours. How would this work in your house, if out of financial necessity, you had to work and he couldnt?

this is a genuine question, I am not having a go. I am just a little concerned, along with others on here, that you are not aware of the pitfalls in your plan that you are the primary care giver and he doesnt have to worry about such things until "he is ready". Sometimes life happens before we are ready, trust me on this!

Bogeyface Sun 25-Nov-12 21:01:32

There should be a scout badge for child care, seriously!

MerryCunnyFuntingChristmas Sun 25-Nov-12 21:05:37

Yes update us OP!

butterfingerz Sun 25-Nov-12 21:06:36

Peppa, this:

Like my dad once said after my DH's breaksown, 30 yrs ago this never happened because men were never left in charge of the children

Is absolute bullshit.

I was born nigh on 30yrs ago. My mum has a disability so struggled with things like bathing us as babies etc. My dad bathed us, changed shitty nappies, cooked, did housework. And just in case thats not your idea of a 'real man', he was also a royal marine... incidentally, what does your DH do for a living?

He did it because he loved us and loved my mum, thats what good men did 30 yrs ago and what they're still doing now.

I accept your DH may have a mental health issue but your situation is the exception and most definately NOT the rule (your GFs are probably sugercoating things to make you feel better).

5madthings Sun 25-Nov-12 21:19:17

op hope you had a good time!

mental health problems are crap but you can have mental health issues and still be a parent! i think its a bit of a cop out of peppas dh tbh and she is enabling it.

i had pnp after ds4 and a breakdown resulting in a week in a psych unit, once i was at home dp had a week or so at home but then he had to go back to work, he had less shifts and he didnt do nights for a while so that i didnt have to deal with nights on my own but ultimately i had to cope and yes i cried sometimes, but i got support from homestart one afternoon a week and i made myself go out etc. being a parent is hard, mh issues make it harder, but not impossible and actually i think as a parent you owe it to your kids (as well as yourself) to work on any issues you ahve so you can be a good parent.

Bogeyface Sun 25-Nov-12 21:26:21

Butterz, I am glad you mentioned that because you reminded me of a story my dad loves to tell. My grandad was in the Navy and left to drive trains because my grandma got a degenerative condition and he wanted to be at home every day. One night they had a visitor from the marine cadets when my eldest uncle wanted to join. They did family checks in those days (50 years ago)

My disabled grandma welcomed them in and asked them to wait while grandad finished bathing the little ones. When he had, he came in and picked up his knitting while he was talking to the visitor.

The visitor became a good friend of the family and actually told that story at my grandads funeral smile sad

Him, and your dad are real men.

mrskeithrichards Sun 25-Nov-12 21:32:02

My dad worked away a lot but when he didn't he'd do everything he could to be involved.

waltermittymistletoe Sun 25-Nov-12 22:08:26

I hope Peppa's attitude opens OP's eyes a little!

steppemum Sun 25-Nov-12 22:39:26

butterfingerz - I take your 30 years and raise you 45, and my dad could change a nappy, and looked after us when needed (although if he were honest, he would prefer not to have to be remotley new man ish grin )

He has even changed a grandchilds nappy, and is a favourite babysitter, especially if grandkids like watching rugby hmm

Bogeyface Sun 25-Nov-12 22:49:27

I still win step grin

Its just great that "oh they cant help it" can be dispelled by men who, in my grandfathers case, fought in the war and are no longer with us. Shows these fucking wimps what real men are!

butterfingerz Sun 25-Nov-12 23:47:49

Oh no, I wouldn't say my dad is a modern man - if a modern man is one that has a breakdown when left with his own child for an hour.

He had a difficult, impoverished childhood too, and depression as we were growing up, though that never held back from caring for his children.

CailinDana Mon 26-Nov-12 07:53:48

When my dad was made redundant not long after I was born (30 years ago) he became a SAHD while my mother worked full time.

The idea that men never looked after children in the good old days is absolute bollocks. Peppa do you seriously think that 3/40/100 years ago no women ever died or left the family? What do you think happened to the children of the many women who died having their second/third/fourth child? Did the men just let them starve? Or sell them? Perhaps a few nasty bastards did, but the majority did what any loving parent does, stepped up and took care of them. Your ideas are extremely odd and naive and seem to be designed to ensure that men put no effort whatsoever into having children. If I were you I'd take a long hard look at where and why you were fed this tonne of crap.

MontBlanc Mon 26-Nov-12 10:17:36

I can only assume OP is still trying to entice DH out from the corner he is crying into curled in a tight ball!!

CheungFun Mon 26-Nov-12 10:41:34

Well I hope the OP left them to it and everyone survived! Hopefully her DH has learnt it's not easy to look after a baby on your own all day and night grin

I must add to some of the other posts raised in the thread, my DH is very good with DS and he's had to be as I've needed a lot of help and support looking after DS. I can and do look after DS on my own all day but it can be emotionally and physically exhausting and I do ask DH for help which he happily gives.

GossipWitch Mon 26-Nov-12 10:45:36

Op where are you!!!!!

peppajay Mon 26-Nov-12 13:18:44

We will just have to agree to disagree. We do what works for us and you guys do what works for you. We are a very very happy family and we spend loads of quality time together as a family. I am out 2 eves a week playing netball and he plays badminton 1 night a week and we go out as a couple on either a friday or a saturday. We are stronger then many couples we know and we know each others strengths and weaknesses and we respect this in each other and we both pull our weight. For example I hate cleaning and I dont do it but he loves it so he blitzs the house once a week. Yes if push came to shove he would look after the children and I would clean but why force each other to do something we sont like doing when the other is perfectly willing to do it. He is a fantastic father and my kids dote on him and he hasnt got me nagging him, do this do that, as we both work together as a team and take each others feelings into account.

CailinDana Mon 26-Nov-12 13:23:03

Sounds like a good relationship peppa, and I don't think anyone would have a problem with how you work together. What posters here were commenting on was your assertion that it is very common for men not to be able to look after children, which is clearly rubbish. It's common among your friends, fair enough, but that's got nothing to do with them being men and it's got everything to do with their own attitudes and the attitudes of their partners.

You stated that 30 years ago men were not expected to look after children, which clearly isn't true. Yes society saw it as a woman's role to do the childcare, but plenty of men stepped up and did their part. And I doubt many women would like to go back to an era where they're run ragged doing everything for the children while their "father" does nothing.

forevergreek Mon 26-Nov-12 14:30:51

Yes men hae bee sole caregivers for years, my dad and siblings were brought up by their father ( my grandfather), after their mother died of cancer. My dad was 8 and the eldest of 4

TakingTheStairs Mon 26-Nov-12 14:41:04

Lola88 Did you go to your Mum's? How did you DH get on?

Can we have an update please?

StuntGirl Mon 26-Nov-12 15:05:08

Yes update please lola!

OHforDUCKScake Tue 27-Nov-12 14:04:57

Any update..?

lola88 Tue 27-Nov-12 21:49:10


Yes i went and non sleeping ds only woke up twice and got up for the day at 7.30 little shit so he got a good night but was still shattered and went to bed the min i walked out the door with DS in the afternoon. I'm waiting for the net time he tells me i's not tha hard before i remind him of his 3 hour nap because he got up a while 2 times.

whois Tue 27-Nov-12 21:59:03

lola88 yay :-)

caramelwaffle Tue 27-Nov-12 22:02:19

Hope you had fun.

And again next time smile

cheesesavory Tue 27-Nov-12 22:21:04

Glad you enjoyed it OP.

Peppa, what happens if something happens to you? 31 years ago my mum was killed. Luckily my dad was a perfectly capable parent so was already well used to looking after the 7 year old me.

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