to wonder what the fuck i am supposed to do

(148 Posts)
orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 11:46:53

Oh just rang me from work to say he has to work next weekend, which would be fine IF we weren't moving house. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do.AIBU?

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 11:50:46

I moved house by myself (single parent). You can do it! Have you packed? Are you using a removal company? Have you notified the utilities etc? Call some friends and see if they can lend a hand.

Don't panic! wine

McChristmasPants2012 Sat 24-Nov-12 11:51:33

It will be fine, have you got any help at all

rope in friends, family, acquaintances and get packing. It can be done.

fedupofnamechanging Sat 24-Nov-12 11:53:01

Do you have a removal firm booked?

Tbh, I would be mad at dh for not booking the time off and if he has booked the time off, then he should refuse to work (unless it is one of those jobs like police, where leave can be cancelled).

Can he get someone to swop with him/appeal to boss's better nature?

orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 11:55:16

I have no help and can't afford a removal company not everything is packed. 5 children as well to sort out. The only friend I could ask is working overtime to get extra cash for Christmas. I have a serious panic on.

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 11:57:38

How were you going to move everything? Get your children to help with the packing, 6 pairs of hands are better than 1.

valiumredhead Sat 24-Nov-12 11:58:08

So is he seriously expecting you to shift boxes and furniture onto a van while looking after 5 kids AND unpack the other end?!

MainlyMaynie Sat 24-Nov-12 11:58:10

If you can afford it, get the removal company to pack and unpack. We found that by shopping around we could get a removal company to do all of it for the same price as others were quoting for just a move. Send children elsewhere for the day. Put wine in fridge. Be living in other house when DH returns from work. He won't have keys, so depending on how it goes you can choose whether to let him in or not.

McChristmasPants2012 Sat 24-Nov-12 11:59:56

move what you can and get the DC to help, wait for DP to come home to do the big heavy lifting.

Start packing today, what i did was moved DD into my bedroom and used her room to store all the boxes.

MainlyMaynie Sat 24-Nov-12 12:00:21

Oops, cross post. Your only choice is physical violence against him or his boss.

McChristmasPants2012 Sat 24-Nov-12 12:01:02

Does he really have to work.

MrsGhastlyCrumb Sat 24-Nov-12 12:01:29

Man with a van is often the best/cheapest option. Try to get one with a large capacity van, as they tend to charge by the hour (I'm assuming you're not going far, though...).

If that isn't an option, I think I would refuse to move on that date unless your partner sorts out some help for you.

MrsRogerSterling Sat 24-Nov-12 12:02:19

What does your OH suggest you do?

pictish Sat 24-Nov-12 12:03:36

Does he HAVE to work? Moving house is huge. That's a not-going-to-work day.

orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 12:07:01

I can't really get all the children to help as one is a toddler and one 5 months. The other there could maybe do something. I have sickness and diarrhea at moment so am struggling a bit.
OH didn't address the issue and just said he didn't have a choice.

Whoknowswhocares Sat 24-Nov-12 12:07:40

If he cannot be at home for a pre-arranged specific job ie.moving then it is his responsibility to provide an alternative! Agree with the poster who said ask HIM for the solution. Is he getting overtime? Does he contractually have to do the work or is he taking the path of least resistance? Could he negotiate with boss for them to advance him the overtime to pay for the van or suchlike. Could you defer moving (unlikely but worth considering)

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 12:08:47

Be careful with a man with a van. I moved in June, for some reason the idiots decided to take my 'flat pack' coffee table and TV cabinet to pieces as they 'fell to bits because they was cheap' in the transit. Problem was, that the coffee table wasn't flat pack. They had unscrewed the top and snapped one of the ends off it (it was screwed in, and secured with industrial strength glue). I did manage to repair it, the top's still loose though. I don't consider £100 to be cheap for a coffee table. hmm I also had to pay a proper removal company to bring the rest of our things to our new house as they left a fair amount of stuff. It would have been cheaper to use the removal company without the van man.

Where about in the UK are you? Someone may be able to recommend someone.

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 12:10:00

Oh, if that's the case then tell him you're not moving unless he takes the day off and helps you.

ScrambledSmegs Sat 24-Nov-12 12:11:48

Well since this is a problem of his making he should fix it. Not you.

CrazyChristmasLady Sat 24-Nov-12 12:13:22

Tell him he either tells work he cannot work on that day as he forgot he was moving, or he pays for removal van.

You cannot do it yourself while he buggers off to work.

ENormaSnob Sat 24-Nov-12 12:15:08

5 kids inc baby and toddler shock

Not a prayer I'd be moving with no help.

What does your dh do?

PuppyMonkey Sat 24-Nov-12 12:16:11

OH didn't address the issue...?grinhmm

orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 12:17:18

We are in south yorkshire and this is our second moving date. The first had to be cancelled because he couldn't get time off work

PuppyMonkey Sat 24-Nov-12 12:18:11

I assume he is a brain surgeon or something equally vital.

orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 12:18:23

He's a department manager in a large well known supermarket.

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 12:18:27

Cancel it again. It sounds like he's using work as an excuse to leave all of this to you. What an arsehole!

Leave the bastard!

ohforfoxsake Sat 24-Nov-12 12:18:38

why is it solely down to you?

if he has to work you have to move on a different day.

get packed, hire a van. He must have some mates/colleagues he can call on for help.

apostropheuse Sat 24-Nov-12 12:18:49

Is he some kind of neurosurgeon or cabinet minister or such like?

ihearsounds Sat 24-Nov-12 12:20:10

What was the original plan for moving?
Surely he must realise that it is impossible for you to move furniture and appliances by yourself.
Also agree about being careful with man and van. Not all will lift appliances. Not all will put stuff into property, or take it out, instead want it on pavement and will leave on pavement. Some wont take/bring down stuff upstairs. Some will pack the van wrong and so your stuff gets damaged. Some man and van are great, so if going down this route make sure you get recommendations.

ohforfoxsake Sat 24-Nov-12 12:20:16

if he works for a large supermarket there are procedures in place for taking leave. If his boss is blocking his leave when its been agreed he needs to contact HR and sort it.

PropertyNightmare Sat 24-Nov-12 12:20:39

There is no way in hell you are going to manage it with 5 kids (inc baby and toddler) and no help from anyone.Either the moved needs postponing or dh tells work he is taking an unpaid day off. No point pretending it will be alright- it won't be!

apostropheuse Sat 24-Nov-12 12:21:13

good God in heaven the man's a numpty.

He's obviously avoiding the hard work of moving.

If he's treating you and your children like this at such a stressful time, and over something so important, I don't want to think how he's behaving at the rest of the time.

He seriously needs to grow up and act in a responsible manner.

Sorry to be blunt but he sounds like a complete arsehole.

Ginshizz Sat 24-Nov-12 12:21:57

OP he can't just drop you in it because of his work! How adept does he think your 5 mo is at packing? How would he feel if he had to deal with the move and the kids on his own?

I agree with PPs - he needs to provide a solution rather than just leaving you to get on with it.

Where do you live? I can recommend a great (and not too pricey!) removals firm we used in south London.

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 12:22:47

<applauds apostropheuse>

Thumbwitch Sat 24-Nov-12 12:23:38

Well I don't think much of his management skills if he thinks this is the way to handle a house move! shock

You need to get in a removals firm. I know you said you can't afford it but that's what you need to do or it's never going to happen.

PuppyMonkey Sat 24-Nov-12 12:23:55

They live in South Yorkshire, he's a supermarket manager - keep up everyone.

Tell him to arrange cover.

clam Sat 24-Nov-12 12:31:52

I thought you were 'entitled' to a day's leave to move house. Or is that just for teachers?

<<runs away>>

NatashaBee Sat 24-Nov-12 12:32:19

Well just because he's working at the weekend doesn't mean he can't start packing boxes now (or he could mind the kids, if you prefer to pack). Put the ball is his court and make him responsible for sorting a man with a van/ removals co/ cleaner to sort your house after you've gone. does he understand that whatever he earns for working is going to be less than the cost of paying for help to move?

KellyMarieTunstall Sat 24-Nov-12 12:32:50

You can do this.

Many single parents have to sort this kind of thing all by themselves.You at least have your OH for part of every day .

He will seriously have to shift his arse to compensate for not being there on the actual day though. hmm

When he is at home he should be packing and sorting stuff to make it a simpler exercise for you to deal with. He should use work time to organise a moving firm and possibly send out a call for volunteers from his colleagues to help. He should make use of every available minute to do what he can to minimise the stress on you and the children.

I can understand him not being able to have much time off at this time of the year though. Im sure he feels as much under pressure as you do about the situation. Doesnt let him off doing physical tasks like packing /taking care of the children while you pack though.

Chubfuddler Sat 24-Nov-12 12:34:39

He's doing it in purpose op. is he often like this?

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 12:34:48

You could wait for him to get home. He's not going to be at work all day, is he? Even if you're moving boxes at 10pm, it's better than you doing this yourself.

MousyMouse Sat 24-Nov-12 12:37:31

have (d)h move everything into a storage room now. everything except a suitcase each + the bare neccesities.

on moving day just boom a taxi to the new place (or ask family/friends) to drive you and your stuff.

then let (d)h take it all out of storage again.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 24-Nov-12 12:48:24

another one here who thinks he might be doing this deliberately.

On moving day, just take yourself and the kids and your personal belongings. Don't really see how you can do much more than that with 5 kids anyway. \

Let him deal with the rest of it.

gallicgirl Sat 24-Nov-12 12:52:20

Can you move in the week instead?
Some of the kids will be in school and DH more likely to get time off work.

TweedSlacks Sat 24-Nov-12 12:54:12

You can do it . It wont be easy but it is possible. If you cant afford a removal company you will have to hire a van over the weekend.
Get DH to get lots of boxes from his supermarket , and you will need some 'Pack 2' proper removal boxes ( hire / beg from removal co.)
Spend every day and evening wrapping / boxing / taping and labelling evrything.
Get all the boxes in the hallway , or front room.

Do not put all your heavy items in the same box ( books ; plates ) instead add a pillow or lampshade so its not too heavy.

Make it into a game and get the older DC's to bring you everything to wrap and box up.

Get him to pack the van on Friday night after work, and drive it to the new house whilst you follow in car. He pisses off to work ( cowardly custard) and you unpack. Furniture will have to follow on Sunday.

Try and get some familly to help or RL friends .

If you are organised , boxed up and dismantled then it is possible. Maybe get the DC's looked after ? leave you to get on with it unhindered .

Its not acceptable what he's done , but if when he comes home from work he spends 4 hours packing each evening it is doable.

amillionyears Sat 24-Nov-12 13:01:27

Have you got some very kind trustworthy neighbours?
Who, if couldnt help you pack, could look after at least soem of your children?
Slightly wincing at this suggestion myself.

orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 13:02:19

Tweedslacks I cannot get the dc's looked after and oh is working sat and sunday. I really do not have anyone else i can ask. What I do have access to is his credit card. is this a dealbreaker? I'm beginning to think it is..

Chubfuddler Sat 24-Nov-12 13:03:04

If you have access to his credit card you can get a babysitter and a man with a van. Do both.

ihearsounds Sat 24-Nov-12 13:07:06

Why does it have to be weekend. Why not during the week when surely he has time off. Don't let him know you are moving on xx day, just get up and tell him. That way he cannot wimp out again.
There was obviously some type of plan in place, just do that but on a different day.

Sallyingforth Sat 24-Nov-12 13:07:27

I would just tell him that since he has to work, he will have to make other arrangements. Simples!

toddlerama Sat 24-Nov-12 13:07:43

DH did this when I had a newborn. It wasn't his fault at all, but I was livid. The solution he came up with was this:
We hired a van, which I drove. That was all I had to do for the day.
He got 3 of his friends to take annual leave and paid them in beer for their help. They loaded and unloaded the van and built beds and wardrobes. He had already dismantled them.
We packed up everything before move day. Everything. The house was full of boxes and we had a sports bag each for clothes and wash stuff. He actually had to go away for a full week a couple of days before the move so I spent those days staying with my parents with just the overnight stuff.
I did the bare minimum of unpacking - he blitzed it in half a day when he got home.

This happened again 2 years later! But now I had 2 children. We just did it exactly the same again!

The important part to me is that he realised it was still his problem to solve and that I get to drive the massive van . He didn't just say 'can't make it' and shrug it off. That is ludicrous.

clam Sat 24-Nov-12 13:08:03

Has he not even expalined why he has "no choice?"
Is this house move from rented to rented, a council house swap or one involving mortgages and completion and solicitors etc? I would have thought the latter would be pretty impossibly to alter.

TweedSlacks Sat 24-Nov-12 13:08:13

How many miles / How many minutes drive is it ?
< Dons thinking cap >
You have a CC , good ,but not alot of time.
book a holiday somewhere hot and sunny on CC ?

Both sets of house keys over weekend?
Might be a possible answer using a courier co

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 13:08:14

It sounds like a deal breaker, orange, especially as you have a dodgy tum. He must have some good points? It's doubtful that you would both be able to move all of your furniture without help even if he was at home. I don't know about you, but I couldn't carry a fridge freezer or a book case. If I were you, I'd refuse to move unless he helps you out. You're not well, and there's no way you can look after 5 children and do all of this yourself.

He's taking the piss.

Chubfuddler Sat 24-Nov-12 13:09:49

How were you planning on moving op? Assuming DH was there how where you going to transport furniture and belongings? If your hands were going to be full with children, how was he going to move furniture by himself?

Flojo1979 Sat 24-Nov-12 13:12:21

Are your other 3 DC older? Can they help? Mine the little ones whilst u take stuff across? Carry things to and from car with u?
I moved as a single parent with a toddler and at 8 months pregnant, it wasn't easy, but its doable.
How long is he at work for? Can he take stuff before and after work? Do u have to be out on the same day or have u got the whole wkend? If so there's no panic, move when he gets in from work, make him work through the night if u have to.

DontmindifIdo Sat 24-Nov-12 13:16:15

Why does he suddenly have to work on this date? Has someone else cancelled? Why is it not booked off? I'd want solid answers to those. Get those tonight. Tell him you can't move on your own, so if he really can't get out of working, he has to reschedule the move or find the money to pay someone to do it. Make it clear you can't just do this, so as a couple you have to find a solution, and "OrangeFlute will just have to cope" isn't a solution.

Does he really have to work 7 days next week? Could you move the moving date to whichever days he has off work? If that means you aren't available to help him with the move and he has to do it himself, tough.

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 13:16:57


The OP has 5 children, 1 is a toddler and 1 is a baby, meaning someone has to take care of these little bunnies.

The OP also has diarrhoea and vomiting, so she's going to be otherwise occupied until she's all better, then she's going to be feeling like shit (excuse the pun) for a while.

The husband has already dropped her in it once by working when they should have been moving house, resulting in the move being postponed.

The OP can't afford a removal company, so she'd have to move heavy items herself, even if her husband was helping.

Orange, you need to tell him to sort this out himself. Refuse to do this. He can get some friends from work to help out, and it will get done in no time. He's being a townk!

have pm'd you

There is no way in hell i would move on my own while in sole charge of all 5 of my children. Quite apart from anything else I would seriously doubt that i could keep them secure and safe with the stacked up boxes, open front doors, and large furniture moving going on. Thats without the issue of my sanity and health!

If he can provide another able bodied person or two to help then maybe but if you really are on your own how the hell is he expecting this to go??

How are you supposed to carry the furniture alone while caring for 5 children including a baby and toddler ?

If he already had the leave booked and they have changed their mind he can say no cant he?

My guess is he forgot to book the leave and doesnt want to tell you.

orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 13:23:25

Clam its the latter unfortunately. Not moving far which is good.
Flo the older 3 are 12, 10, 7. Not quite old enough to babysitter.
Chubby it was going to be a man with a van whilst I looked after dc's.

Chubfuddler Sat 24-Nov-12 13:24:53

So is the man with a van still booked? If your DH packs this week, and the man in van does nothing but dump stuff down for DH to sort Sunday you can do this.

CoffeeGoneColdAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 13:29:22

Orangeflute are you anywhere near Doncaster? If you are near me I will give you a hand! smile

Viviennemary Sat 24-Nov-12 13:38:20

I'd be tempted to phone up his work myself and explain the situation. I know this would cause trouble. I once threatened to do this over something similar, holidays I think. It was years ago but a compromise was reached without me phoning. I wouldn't tackle the moving myself because it's just too much especially when you've five children and aren't feeling too good. I know you won't want to cancel again. But you've only a few choices,

1. Go ahead on your own
2. Cancel
3. Get help from relative or friend
4. Force make him take time off work.

Or pay the removal firm more if they come and help you pack stuff.

tisnottheseasonyet Sat 24-Nov-12 13:53:06

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 13:56:22

The 'leave the bastard' is a standard quote whenever anyone has a twat for a partner on here, tisnot, the same as 'should have gone to Waitrose' if they encounter a poor supermarket. It's a bit tongue in cheek if you see what I mean, not to be taken literally.

Catsmamma Sat 24-Nov-12 13:57:59

so when is this man of yours having a day off?? I presume he is not working NON STOP until the end of time.

He must have a day off scheduled, so phone him back and put the ball firmly in his court for sorting this out.

He sounds like a bit of a tosser tbh, expecting you to do it all and you are making yourself sound a bit drippy, which I am sure is not true.....sooooooo SPIT SPOT and get it sorted!

tisnottheseasonyet Sat 24-Nov-12 14:00:35

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mynewpassion Sat 24-Nov-12 14:02:22

Why couldn't he take a Tuesday and Wednesday off and move on those days instead of weekend? The older kids would be in school and would not be underfoot except for the two little ones.

Does moving have to be done on the weekends?

aufaniae Sat 24-Nov-12 14:02:44

Do you have any money for removals? What about the extra your OH will be earning that day?

We found a man-with-van much cheaper than any standard quote from this site - you post a job and people bid. They have profiles with feedback so you can see if they're any good.

aufaniae Sat 24-Nov-12 14:03:37

Our man-with-van from that site was about 50% of any of the other quotes I could find.

BIWI Sat 24-Nov-12 14:06:25

He should not be working and leaving you to do this.

If he refuses to do anything about this, then you use your credit card to pay for a firm of removal men and a lorry to come and move you.

What a twat he sounds.

Plomino Sat 24-Nov-12 14:12:00

He caused this , this is for him to solve . He will have to either postpone the move again , or get most of it in storage , and fill a van with essentials to be taken over until the rest can be shifted, or pay someone .

What exactly are his expectations ? What does he realistically think you're going to be able to do ? I mean , I too have 5 kids , most of which are perfectly capable of helping out , and I'm very practical and good at heavy lifting etc , but there's no WAY on earth that DH would leave me with this .

jojane Sat 24-Nov-12 14:14:50

Can you not put the kids in a rooms with a small tv to watch a DVD, 12 year old can call you if the little ones need anything, get ASCII packed up before hand by DH, and leave it at other end for DH to sort out too

jojane Sat 24-Nov-12 14:15:40

Could the middle ones not foot play at a friend for a bit? Do you not have ANY friends at all?

OrbisNonSufficit Sat 24-Nov-12 14:18:33

There is NO WAY I would let my DH do that. You cannot possibly consider moving with no help & 5 kids to manage!! I can barely face moving house even with help... If you absolutely can't change the move date or stretch to paying for movers then shamelessly begging for help from anyone you can think of is your only option IMO. And forcing your OH to pull his weight - doing all of the packing and unpacking springs to mind...

Journey Sat 24-Nov-12 14:24:29

Companies tend to give you a day off work for house moving. Alternatively, he could ask for unpaid leave. I think he can't be bothered with the hassle of moving and would rather work.

Why do some people come out with the phrase that they're a single parent and have had to move without a partner. The op has five dcs including a baby and a toddler. If she was a single parent with two dcs it would be a lot easier to do on her own than having to manage five dcs. Plus as always it depends what additional family support people have as well. Op says she doesn't have any. A single parent moving with one or two dcs would be far more doable than a mum of five dcs and a DH at work!

You can't manage it on your own op. You need your DH to help you.

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 14:25:51

I don't think the OP will be able to manage this at all as she's got diarrhoea and vomiting.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 24-Nov-12 14:34:35

When is your DH's next day off? Have you packed most of your stuff up yet?

marcopront Sat 24-Nov-12 14:35:49

Surely most of the hassle with moving is the packing before hand and unpacking afterwards. He will be available for that.
The man with van will be there to move the stuff. What would DH actually be doing on the moving day?

marcopront Sat 24-Nov-12 14:41:04

Sorry I should have said I have moved country twice as a single parent with a 2 then 3 year old. It is doable.

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 24-Nov-12 14:42:33

Think you're making a bit of a fuss over this TBH. D&V is horrid but usually gone in 48 hours so you'll be fine by the weekend. Your oldest 2 are easily big enough to mind the toddler and you can wear the baby in a sling. The 7yo can help with other stuff. You have every evening (or whatever time of day DH doesn't work) this week to pack boxes. Maybe stump up a bit extra for the man with man to bring a mate so you don't have to do any heavy lifting? Just make sure you have all your essentials e.g. coffee, tea, nappies, toothbrushes in one box and you know where that is!

orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 14:48:46

Really could not trust my 10 year old to watch my toddler as due to his ASD he is unable to tolerate her. And baby does not do the sling she's screams blue murder even tho I've tried a few of them. Dexh has been on phone and said he can get me two men and a van recommended and will also come and help too.

oddslippers Sat 24-Nov-12 14:49:05

My dh had also been a dept mgr of a large well known supermarket beginning with m, they were twats to work for tbh and it really doesn't surprise me that they are trying to pressure your dh to change his days at short notice. I also used to work for personnel of same place and I know that if he turned round and said no there is nothing they can do to make him work other than issue a verbal warning which means nothing as long as nothing else on his file it will disappear after 3 months. So I would be telling him to tell his boss in a very polite way he can't change his days and if that meets with resistance go straight to personnel mgr.

orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 14:52:48

Oddslipper smile

BIWI Sat 24-Nov-12 14:53:17

I'm gobsmacked that so many here seem to think it's acceptable for the OP to have to do this on her own.

orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 14:55:36

BIWI since joining mumsnet I have found it too always be that way.

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 24-Nov-12 15:01:58

I don't think it's acceptable to have to do it on your own - I would be annoyed too - but given that you are, it's about finding a solution. Can't the 12yo have the toddler and the 10yo and 7yo help with unpacking?

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 15:03:14

Nope, it's not OK, orange. I'm a single mum, so had no choice. If I had a partner I'd expect them to share the work.

missismac Sat 24-Nov-12 15:03:54

I'm afraid I agree with HollaAtMeBaby, here are some very good plans of action here but you seem determined to be negative and find reasons why you can't do any of them. I'm not getting any sense of 'can do' spirit from you OP.

Yes it's crap, yes your OH should man up & tell his employers he's taking that day off, yes it's a bummer that you're doing it with 5 kids & no family to help, but the situation is what it is. If you can't change it it's up to you to make it work. It's not that an impossible situation, so why not take on the advice of some of the more positive posters and make a plan and just get on & do it?

Journey Sat 24-Nov-12 15:08:51

I agree with you BIWI.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Sat 24-Nov-12 15:10:11

Agree with everyone who said he needs to provide a solution other than "she'll manage".

CoffeeGoneColdAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 15:12:37

OP Are you in Doncaster?

Journey Sat 24-Nov-12 15:18:34

Looking after 5dcs (which includes a baby and a toddler) is a full time job in itself never mind having to move house. Are people trying to be funny when they're telling the op just to get on with it?

I hope it all goes well for you op.

SunflowersSmile Sat 24-Nov-12 15:23:14

So your ex is helping you??
Is current partner ashamed/ worried by this...

Chubfuddler Sat 24-Nov-12 15:34:56

When exactly did I tell the op to leave her husband? I don't believe I did.

DontmindifIdo Sat 24-Nov-12 15:42:09

I don't see it's your problem to fix you know, you can tell your DP that you can't and then see what his solutions are.

That your ex is doing more to make your current family life possible than your current partner should be rather telling. I'm not going to say LTB, but I am going to say you need to stop letting him just say "oh well, I can't do it, so it's Orange's problem to sort." If he was a single man, had to move house on a set date due to solicitors etc, then he would have to find a way to make this work. Just dumping it on you isn't an option unless you let it be.

tisnottheseasonyet Sat 24-Nov-12 17:59:38

I see my posts have been deleted for daring the question the "all men are cunts" line. Well done mumsnet hq. OP, I'll leave you with these harpies who want you to be as single and miserable as the are.

tisnottheseasonyet Sat 24-Nov-12 18:02:11

And chubfuddler, you were stirring shit by coming to some psychic conclusion that the OP's DH was doing this on purpose. The men in your life may do anything they can to avoid you, but believe or not there are some bosses in this world, particularly in retail, who are incredibly awkward and dictatorial.

Of course, if you can show me your proof of her DH's intentions, I'll send a full apology.

apostropheuse Sat 24-Nov-12 18:28:47

I'm glad your EX is organising a van with two men, and also coming along t help you too OP.

Your DH should be ashamed of himself. Hopefully you will give him the kick up the arse he needs.

I also can't believe some of the bullshit here about how the OP can do it on her own, with her particular circumstances. It's so bloody unrealistic and to be honest a piece of nonsense. Most people who don't have a partner do at least have some other family members or friends willing to help.

Some people just like to be martyrs. It reminds me of an old Monty Python sketch....

apostropheuse Sat 24-Nov-12 18:29:20
orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 18:31:06

He's still not home. I asked him to please be home on time as I feel Shit. I got a telephone message to say he would be late and he was sorry. I rang and questioned him and he broke down sobbing on the phone Wtf.

Chubfuddler Sat 24-Nov-12 18:37:27

I don't want your apology you loon. It's quite clear from the ops post her husband is deliberately avoiding dealing with this situation, how that is shit stirring I really cannot see.

PropositionJoe Sat 24-Nov-12 18:39:40

Sounds like he is under pressure too

orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 18:42:39

Yes prop it does, its been like this for the last four years. Him unable to meet responsibilities at home because if he doesn't work lots of extra hours for free he will get the sack.

flow4 Sat 24-Nov-12 19:06:19

If he's breaking down and crying on the 'phone, things are not right orangeflute. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.

I simply do not think it is possible for you to move all by yourself. (And I am a single parent used to doing things by myself, so my expectations of women with children are high!) So I think you've got two choices:

- Give him the benefit of the doubt and accept that his employer is leaning on him hard. Accept they are being unreasonable. Tell him to mention your D&V bug casually at work tomorrow, and 'phone in sick on Friday because he has caught it. He can go back to work on Sunday/Monday. It's not something I'd usually advocate, but in the circumstances desperate tactics are called for.

- Change your move date.

LadyMaryChristmas Sat 24-Nov-12 19:08:38

Oh, there's something very wrong, Orange. You need to sit and talk to him when he gets home. Retail is crap for employees, they seem to want too much from their staff.

fuckwittery Sat 24-Nov-12 19:12:11

Are you buying a house? Usually they complete on a weekday as the only day the solicitors are open to transfer money so I am confused why your move date is a weekend. If you are moving to a rental house can't you arrange to move in on the Friday? Can you give us more details about the move, i.e. what is happenign to the house you are leaving, is someone coming in the same day, is there no way you can have an overlap period or change the move date?

fuckwittery Sat 24-Nov-12 19:12:54

Although clearly the best suggestion would be for your DH to take some responsibility.

fuckwittery Sat 24-Nov-12 19:14:53

Wow, 10 yr old with ASD, a toddler, a baby who hates the sling, there is NO way you can do this on your own despite what some say. Glad your ex is organising help

ImperialStateKnickers Sat 24-Nov-12 19:17:43

flow4, like it... not normally an advocate of pulling sickies but if the employers are regularly treating staff like this then they deserve to reap what they sow!

flow4 Sat 24-Nov-12 19:20:20

No, nor am I Imperial - I've never pulled a sickie in my whole life - but really, this is impossible for the OP without her DH!

forevergreek Sat 24-Nov-12 19:51:29

Ok, it's not ideal but can be done

A) get dh to pack everything up before next weekend
B) you have a van and man booked, between you, van man, 12 year old and maybe 7 year old you have like 3 1/2 people ( younger two can take light items. Assuming asd 10 year old needs supervising so..
C) get in a temp nanny for the day for 10 year old, toddler and baby. Will cost about £150 for 7am-7pm. They can either go off somewhere or you need to set up some books/ basic food/ toys in one room of new house and let them get on with it
D) just move everything out of house and into new and then dh can help once home.
E) label each box with which room it needs to go in so it is in the right room to start with
F) dump everything at charity shop or dump that you don't want. No point packing what you don't need

CaliforniaLeaving Sat 24-Nov-12 20:06:33

Oh dear Orange I hope your Dh is OK I've never had my Dh break down by phone, he usually waits till I'm run off my feet and can't stop and talk.
Fingers crossed the move goes smoothly.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 24-Nov-12 20:31:36

Short term, I'm glad you've sorted some help from your ex. If for any reason this doesn't work out, if you're in the Sheffield area I can recommend a brilliant reasonably priced removals firm. I moved with no-one to help (single parent) and they were fab.

Longer term, if your H is so stressed, he needs to look for another job. Four years is too long to feel like that at/about work. Maybe he needs to see a GP about the stress he's under? It's no excuse though - he's letting you down.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 24-Nov-12 20:42:20

Jesus. You cant do this non your own. I move on my own, but I only have one child, and even then it nearly kills me every time! Your OH may be upset and stressed, but HE HAS GOT EMPLOYMENT RIGHTS. He needs to put his foot down and say that he has booked this time off, and he must have this day off. End of. They CANT sack him for this-no court in the land would uphold the companies decision to fire him.
And you MUST have movers. 5 Kids!! Including one baby and a toddler. It's not on.
In the meantime, any MNetters in South Yorkshire who can go and help OP-volunteer!
My heart goes out to you, you poor thing.

psychomum5 Sat 24-Nov-12 21:02:34

is there any way possible for you to go above his head at work and ring them to explain and ask for him??

I wonder if he is too scared to ask for time off/

Thumbwitch Sat 24-Nov-12 22:02:48

Large retail companies can be complete bastards to their employees, it's true - and he may have been told that he HAS to do what they say or face the sack because there are plenty of other people out there who would want his job, so it's not surprising he's under a lot of pressure.

But he HAS to organise something. I'm assuming that you're going to another rented accommodation as you've been able to change your moving date once already; but you can't keep doing that of course. And you need to get in and get sorted before Christmas.

I really hope that you and your DH can sit down and thrash out a solution, even if it means having to run up the credit card more than you'd like - you NEED to get outside help in, if he can't take the time off.

His employers are shits, btw.

marquesas Sat 24-Nov-12 22:14:07

I really don't think the OP should contact her DH's work, that's not going to do him any good with his manager who, from the sound of it may already be very unreasonable.

I wonder if the DH is telling the whole truth, whilst I've never heard of an employer who gives days off for moving house it sounds odd that two pre booked days off would have been cancelled when presumably the DH would have at least mentioned that he was moving house.

OP - regardless of the logistics of how you move house I think you need to have a serious talk with your DH to find out what exactly is going on at his work.

I'd merrily tell him to sort it the fuck out or his credit card will be used not only to book removal men but to book men to do the packing also and for the bunches of flowers I would need to cheer me up and a hotel for the weekend for me and the kids to sty in whilst the move is being taken care of and probably for the next week while he unpacks and sorts everything out.

He, I guarantee you, would make sure he was fucking well available!

marquesas Sat 24-Nov-12 22:30:47

It's all very well suggesting using a credit card but paying for movers and packers is very expensive.

I don't think the ideal solution is to possibly get into debt and an even worse situation on top of what seems to be extreme work stress if the DH is already crying at work.

OP - can you tell us exactly what packing needs to be done, how much free time your DH has this week and maybe someone can come up with some practical suggestions.

oddslippers Sat 24-Nov-12 22:40:18

All i can say op is that having a strong understanding of their hr policies, they will not be able to sack him although some bugger will no doubt threaten it. Even if he goes awol for the day the worst they can do is discipline and give a verbal (as long as nothing had gone on file previously) although the instore management teams can quite frankly be shit the policies are pretty good and will be enforced by regional personnel managers where necessary. All the threats are uncomfortable hot air. I feel for your oh but in this instance he'll just have to take what's coming from work and help you. In three months it'll all be forgotten and someone else will be getting the shit.

orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 22:51:11

Just a quick update as I have been sleeping. Thanks for all your help and suggestions you are truly amazing and have been so supportive. I am taking my Dexh up on his offer and oh is going to go to work. I gave him the little ones when he got in and took myself to bed. I have just been down to get the baby and am bf as I type he has said nothing to me. After the move I am going to sit down with OH and suggest we have a break in order for us to assess our relationship.

marquesas Sat 24-Nov-12 23:01:27

Good to hear that you've found a way round the problem.

Do you mean that you are going to suggest splitting up after the move? If so is moving really such a good idea - don't know all the back story but would being on your own by financially possible in your new place?

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 24-Nov-12 23:03:33

Glad you got a rest OP.
It's weird, and maybe paranoid, but the whole time I was doing chores etc after I read this thread I was thinking that the situation you describe sounds like an attempt to abdicate responsibility completely: Maybe not because of work, but because of OH wanting to remove himself?

The thing about men (yes I am generalising-sue me) is that when they want out, they often do it in quite extreme and odd ways. Like when you hear of men nipping out for a paper never to be seen again, or jumping out of windows with their kids. They don't talk, they just crack up.

I think a frank and honest talk is definitely on the cards. Something is very not right, imo.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sat 24-Nov-12 23:12:56

I don't think this is a LTB thing tbh. Yes, the move is untenable without his help. But Retail managers are often cunts, telling you that you will get the sack if you don't do X,Y & Z.

If he is breaking down because of stress at work, I doubt you having a break is going to help him to get his act together.

IMO, putting the house move to one side for a moment, you NEED to talk to your OH. PROPERLY talk. You need to ask him why he was in tears on the phone. You need to find out what his work is telling him. You need to help him find a new job.

It's shit that your Ex is being more help than your OH with the house move, I get that, but it sounds to me like your OH is feeling pulled in all directions, feeling like he tries his hardest at work, tries his hardest at home, but he probably feels like he is doing a crap job at both.

What he needs to realise is that there are only EVER 24 hours in a day, some of which HAVE to be taken up with sleeping. If the majority of the others are spent at work, doing unpaid overtime as well as his usual hours, then his work-home balance is off.

It can be hard to see that when you are being pulled in all directions, and I've found retail to be particularly bad for it. Thinks back to my 60hr/wk nightshifts when I was only meant to be doing 22.5hrs/wk...

TALK to him. He can a) Pull a sickie using your D&V as an excuse. Though he may still be pressured into going into work... b) Tell his boss that he IS taking his planned time off, and he can't be sacked for that, and if he is, then he'll have no issue with going to a tribunal. c) Realise that this might actually be the thing you leave him over!

I can fully understand why you are wobbling at the thought of moving by yourself. My answer is DON'T DO IT.

cumfy Sat 24-Nov-12 23:16:08

What employer is not going to be flexible over house move ?

Is DP ok ?
He sounds depressed.

oddslippers Sat 24-Nov-12 23:21:07

I completely agree with couthy. As mentioned previously my DH did the same jobs as your oh. Retail puts so much pressure on with very little thanks. My DH left me in hospital after I had passed out when 32 weeks pregnant because he had to get back to work as he was under so much pressure. I honestly nearly left him then but 9 years down the line and a new job he is a changed man, it really was just the pressure from the lovely hmm company he worked for. However if you have other issues that you haven't shared then only you can make the decision that is right for you.

tisnottheseasonyet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:35:05

So he breaks down in tears over the stress at work and all you can do is plot to kick him out? What a lovely supportive partner you sound.

And IfNotNowThenWhen, you really shouldn't be spouting bullshit false legal advice on forums. Not coming in to work when instructed to could very easily amount to gross misconduct, and many employment tribunals would uphold that. Any employer is going to see through an employee "just happening to fall sick" on the day they were desperate to have off.

tisnottheseasonyet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:37:03

Ifnotnowthenwhen, your amateur psychology is almost as useful as your amateur legal opinion.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 24-Nov-12 23:52:10

??? It was my understanding that OP's husband had already booked the day off. I don't think I was suggesting that he go AWOL ffs.

It's hardly "legal advice" to point out that when an employee has booked time off to move house they can't be sacked for going ahead with this.

And my opinion is my opinion, not amateur psychology.

I dont know what you are so angry about tisnottheseason but don't take it out on me by wilfully misunderstanding what I am saying.

tisnottheseasonyet Sun 25-Nov-12 00:02:32

That as may be, and his employer may be a total tosser, but they're till legally able to cancel his leave and his failure to show up would be just as awol as someone who had never had it approved initially. Advising OP to ignore that little legal detail is downright dangerous, and of no help to a man who has broke down in tears over his work situation.

tisnottheseasonyet Sun 25-Nov-12 00:02:55

still legally able

brdgrl Sun 25-Nov-12 00:12:14

tisnot, are you the husband?

tisnottheseasonyet Sun 25-Nov-12 00:15:12

Nope, but if I was I would ltb.

DayShiftDoris Sun 25-Nov-12 01:38:19

Well I moved house as a single parent with no removal firm

It was flipping hideous - please abuse his credit card and get someone in.

I had help, really good help and it was still hideous... and someone looked after my son for me too...

Bollocks that you can do it alone... You wouldn't even be able to move most of the furniture!!!

DayShiftDoris Sun 25-Nov-12 01:41:06

Oh bugger on phone and thought I had read the whole thread (of 2 pages) - evidentially not! Sorry!

CordeliaChase Sun 25-Nov-12 02:14:20

I had to tie all loose ends up when DH moved to Canada. I had to pack everything up, clear everything out and get the placed cleaned up whilst working full time and had our DS to looks after (18mo at the time). I then flew out to Canada to join him. It can be done, just lots of organisation wink

orangeflute Sun 25-Nov-12 03:28:53

Tisnot - how supportive should I be? My son was in hospital a month ago. Where was I? At home looking after the little ones. Where was Oh???
At work.
The list goes on but I won't as I'm not here to paint a poor me picture.

whoneedssleepanyway Sun 25-Nov-12 06:37:52

OP surely you are moving on Friday (you can't complete on a sale and purchase at weekend) so why can't you DH have Friday off and still work weekend as planned you can leave unpacking till the following week.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 25-Nov-12 06:45:26

Orange - it sounds like you're having a dreadful time.

When we moved house nearly 2 years ago - I had people come and pack us up, move us etc as knew my DH would be working and that was still bloody stressful as was looking after 3 small children as well.

I hope you get to have a good conversation with your DH as sounds like you're both under a serious amount of pressure.

kelpeed Sun 25-Nov-12 07:23:53

What about the union <not in the retail sector so dont't know which one would be approached for advice>

They ought to be able to help with managing work-life balance, yes? at least to help set up future requests for rostering so this sort of powerplays are less likely.

kelpeed Sun 25-Nov-12 07:30:52

ps if no union, welcome to China

DontmindifIdo Sun 25-Nov-12 08:33:56

Instead of crying to you, her should cry to his GP and be signed off with stress for a few weeks. It would be very hard for them to fire him when he was off work with stress. It might just be the breathing space away from them to clear his head and see what he's facing losing.

Men are often very bad at saying they need help, but that just means they put up with a bad situation for longer than they should. With 5 DCs to support he might not be able to see past what a horror it would be to lose his job.

Look at every option, if he was fired, how bad would it be? What would be your situation with benefit entitlement plus maintenance from your ex? how long could you last before he'd need to get another job? Could you say "OK, we could cope with you being out of work for 6 months running down our savings, do you think you could get another job in that time?"

Would you be prepared to go back to work so that he could take a lower paid job/reduced hours.

Has he tried looking for a new job?

Don't throw him out without sitting down now (not after the move, do it today) and working out what's possible and what options you have. Putting up with a shit situation is rarely the only option. If he is suffering from stress, he probably can't see his other options. Help him do that, not just tell him what he has to do.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 25-Nov-12 08:41:40

Not strictly relevant but I'd like to find out which companies give their employees a bonus day off for house moves and work for them please

Ruprekt Sun 25-Nov-12 08:59:59

Schools let teachers take days off for house moves.

I think you should talk to DH about why he cried on the phone. It sounds like he is under enormous stress.

and it is all very well saying Abuse the CC but that will need paying back and if you have a large family then that is not always easy!

SoupDragon Sun 25-Nov-12 09:20:54

Which do you need the most: help with the move or your OH to have a job?

It sounds like he is under a lot of pressure to work and I imagine the implication is that he cant say no or he will be out of a job.

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