To think PIL should be more interested in ds than friends?

(40 Posts)
ewaczarlie Sat 24-Nov-12 09:45:35

Ok am I being over sensitive here? pIL moved north a few months ago. Before they lived close by and saw ds every week. Now they rarely see him (although Sid have him for half term). Today is a family friends gathering and they are coming down so will see ds there for 2hrs but here's the thing, I would have thought they would want to come down a couple of hrs earlier to spend quality time with ds but appears not.
I'm quite pissed off as ds adores them and after spending 1st 3yrs of his life seeing them regularly now hardly sees them. You'd think they'd want to see their only gs!
Should I just accept that they will no longer be a significant part f ds life? What I guess I'm most pissed about is that thy are willing to make the 3hr trip for friends but not their gc.
Unfortunately my parents live abroad so ds only sees them a few times a year, I'm sad that he doesn't have gp around.
So AIBU to expect gps to make more effort?

teacherandguideleader Sat 24-Nov-12 09:49:47

Slightly different situation but my father isn't interested in me at all (and he chose to have me). He lives 200 miles away and never visits me - he comes near me to visit friends and other family but never me. I have wasted countless tears over this but my mum (who is amazing) told me that you can't force a relationship. Spend time with the people who do care, forget about those who don't, it's their loss.

ajandjjmum Sat 24-Nov-12 09:52:21

I'd be upset about that too ewa - and I too would think they'd be grabbing every opportunity to see their DGS. Would you invite them to come and stay with you the night before, so they can get ready for the party at yours, and then spend some time with you all?

Sorry about your DF teacher - that must be really hard to deal with.

OlaRapaceFru Sat 24-Nov-12 09:54:29

Difficult one. If they've got a 3 hour trip to get to your area, presumably they would have had to have set off from their home quite early - if you added on another 2 hours for them to spend quality time with your DS before the party, heaven knows what time they would have left.

Maybe they could have left last night and stayed over? But maybe that wasn't convenient? Or maybe they could stay over this evening? But maybe that isn't convenient either?

I do understand you're upset that they're not spending more time to see your DS, but perhaps they're taking the view that as they'll be seeing DS at the party then that's better than not seeing him at all.

rainbowinthesky Sat 24-Nov-12 09:54:42

But half term was only 3 weeks ago and they had him the whole week? They are also seeing him today for a couple of hours. Sounds okay to me.

mrskeithrichards Sat 24-Nov-12 09:57:11

They are hardly ignoring you!

pictish Sat 24-Nov-12 09:58:14

It sounds fine to me too. They are allowed to travel to your area for reasons other than to see your son you know!

Mrsjay Sat 24-Nov-12 10:07:26

they are coming to your area and you want them to leave 5 hours earlier r to see your son. they just saw him in October and are going to see him today I think you are expecting way to much of them and being a bit precious, they sound lovely grandparents just they stay far away thats all,

ajandjjmum Sat 24-Nov-12 10:27:45

I hadn't picked up that your DS will be at the party too. In that case, I do think YABU, as they will enjoy seeing him and showing him off, I'm sure.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sat 24-Nov-12 10:41:52

They do want to see him and they will be seeing him, but you can't expect their lives to revolve around him and for him to be considered in every plan they make.

YANBU to want your son to have involved grandparents, but I think in the example you have given YABU.

If they make the trip just to see him, and just as importantly, their own son sometimes, then they are showing that they will make the effort. I assume you make the trip to see them sometimes too?

ewaczarlie Sat 24-Nov-12 10:51:59

Firstly the party is very late in te day so they could easily leave lunch time and still see ds for 2hrs before hand. Secondly they don't come down to see dh so while yes tet only saw ds in oct they won't see him again till sometime in the new year.
And they will only see ds for a short time as the gathering is late and I'm not keeping a 3yo up late just so they can 'show him off'.
I guess I'm expecting more as in my family children come before friends

Catsdontcare Sat 24-Nov-12 10:56:12

I think yabu, they had him for a week that's good quality time IMO.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sat 24-Nov-12 10:57:57

Won't they get to see him over Christmas at all?

Mrsjay Sat 24-Nov-12 10:58:03

but they are coming for a friends party it is ok for them to do that they will see him today or tonight , will they be around tomorrow,? they are allowed to have a life outside grandchildren tbh they are not sneaking a visit to their friends and not seeing him,

pictish Sat 24-Nov-12 11:00:05

Good for your family.

In my family, adults have free reign to please themselves. And do.

You are being precious and expecting everything to revolve around your wants. People like you are a pain in the neck. So what if they could leave at lunchtime - they don't want to, so that's the end of it.

Your pil are people in their own right you know. They can plan their schedule however they please! If it were the case that they cba with your son, then maybe you'd have a point...but as it is clear that isn't what is going on, you don't.

Kaluki Sat 24-Nov-12 11:00:36

So they can have to leave early to spend quality time with your ds but they aren't allowed to 'show him off' at a party.
Poor people - damned if they do and damned if they don't!!

cory Sat 24-Nov-12 11:07:42

I think you might be at risk of making the time they do have together less valuable if you are always dissatisfied with how it's done.

My dc don't see their grandma any more often than this because of travelling issues and they are still very, very close.

Don't think I saw mine more frequently either, and the memory of the time we spent together still makes me feel warm inside though it's over 40 years since my gran died.

Don't ruin it for your ds by seeing the glass as half empty: children do pick up on their parents' attitude and you can make their time together a happy memory by showing him that the glass is half full.

You do seem to have an attitude of "they have to demonstrate their love to him but we don't have to meet them half-way". I think children are actually happier when they are shown that it works both ways. I would have kept mine up, or let him go to sleep on my lap, if I felt it facilitated a relationship that would be beneficial for him. Or just showed him how happy I was that he could see his grandparents for a shorter space. I don't want him growing up anxiously looking over his shoulders worrying in case other people aren't treating him as important enough: I think that is a very sad way to live and not something that would be to his advantage to learn.

mrskeithrichards Sat 24-Nov-12 11:08:22

Oh dear. You sound like hard work.

cory Sat 24-Nov-12 11:10:31

And now that ds is a bit older, he knows that he is expected to give up the comfy seat to his grandma, or his bed to an adult visitor, not because he is not important, but because in our family everybody pulls their weight and does their best to be helpful.

Mrsjay Sat 24-Nov-12 11:11:44

What cory said keep him up let him enjoy the time with his GP the world does not revolve around children and their bedtimes, family or friends are important and you need to meet them half way your son is not the be all and end all of their life compromise try it and relax a bit

winterhill Sat 24-Nov-12 11:14:06

YABVU to be honest.

ewaczarlie Sat 24-Nov-12 13:24:23

Some comments constructive so thank you, others just plain rude so ill ignore those.
Oh and we do meet them half way, in fact the one always driving up there so they don't hae to worry about a long trip. Just to clarify, this is a friends gc that they are coming to see. And of course I will be happy for the time he gets to see them (and its not like they don't hae their own life).
And no they won't see him over Christmas, we have invited them over before Christmas as we aren't around Xmas, but they want to go out with friends instead (even though I've given them multiple dates to choose so it doesn't conflict with their plans).
The reason I say 'not show him off' as I hate that term, he's not a pedigree dog for fs.

ajandjjmum Sat 24-Nov-12 14:05:07

Oh dear. You do seem to have a manner that antagonises people, even those who were initially trying to be helpful.

redskyatnight Sat 24-Nov-12 14:10:46

So, just to clarify. You would like your PiL to spend more time with your DS this weekend. To facilitate this, you will be taking him away early. That makes lots of sense.

crypes Sat 24-Nov-12 14:21:56

yes you sound like a control freak. you think life has certain rules and their your rules .

Mrsjay Sat 24-Nov-12 14:22:48

I see no rudeness people were being honest but not rude do you always treat people like this, your inlaws are entitled to do what they want it is their life the world does not stop spinning because of grandchildren, that is what you are expecting to happen imo

cory Sat 24-Nov-12 14:50:38

Have you ever had any friends around to meet your ds, OP? And was that showing him off like a pedigree dog? Or is it different when you do it?

Surely being proud of your grandchild and wanting your friends to know it is a normal healthy part of family life? Just like it is a normal healthy thing for a proud parent to want the grandparents to appreciate their grandchild. So why would one be right and the other wrong?

I think what we are all trying to tell you is, this isn't just about you and your feelings, it's about your son, about his future relationship to his grandparents and about the way he learns to relate to other people in general.

If you bring him up to feel slighted at every opportunity he will be massively disadvantaged in life. If you teach him to be easy going and generous in his attitude to other people, he will find opportunities opening up before him at every turn.

BliztenShitzinURWheelieBin Sat 24-Nov-12 14:54:12

They had him for a week not so long ago. Hmmmm.

ewaczarlie Sat 24-Nov-12 14:55:36

Thank u for the parenting advice, my poor DS is indeed disadvantaged. Think by al, yr wise comments I should just relax and let the gp do as they want (and if they don't want to make an effort to see their gc then I will just relax and not ush the issue). It's actually great advice, since dh doesn't want to see his own parents then why should I encourage any family time.

hjtunny Sat 24-Nov-12 14:58:17

You can't post on AIBU and then only choose to take on board the comments you agree with "others are plain rude so I'll ignore those", it's the sort of area where you will get both perspectives, it's the old adage never ask a question you don't want to hear the answer to! Your PIL will be seeing your DS and just because it's not in the way you would prefer that they do it does not make their visit any less valuable for your DS.

LessMissAbs Sat 24-Nov-12 15:00:45

YANBU they see him regularly. People do have lives outwith children. Your PIL simply sound like normal, well adjusted people who have a balanced social life. They sound really rather lovely grandparents.

BliztenShitzinURWheelieBin Sat 24-Nov-12 15:02:59

Yes they only had him for a whole week. Lazy sluggards.

winterhill Sat 24-Nov-12 15:04:21

I agree with you about relaxing and let the GPs do what they want.
I think that is a good idea and it is what we do.

Stop fretting.

winterhill Sat 24-Nov-12 15:05:35

Not sure why it is 'poor son' though confused
He's not long had a week at GPs hasn't he? 2x confused

cory Sat 24-Nov-12 15:52:40

ewaczarlie Sat 24-Nov-12 14:55:36
"Thank u for the parenting advice, my poor DS is indeed disadvantaged."

He will be if you teach him to throw a strop every time he doesn't get things exactly the way he wants them. It is up to you to make his life easy by teaching him social skills and gratitude for the good things in life. Like grandparents who want to have him for a whole week at halfterm.

SandStorm Sat 24-Nov-12 15:58:26

Have you actually asked them if they would like to come earlier to yours? Maybe they don't feel they can invite themselves or just turn up? (sorry if this has already been asked)

FredFredGeorge Sat 24-Nov-12 16:11:36

So you expect your PIL who do not get on with their own son, to make a special effort to spend even more time with him, you and a 3 year old who they just saw for a week a few of weeks ago?

YABU.

Why aren't you on your parents case to move to the UK to spend more time with him? Not that you should of course be on anyones.

bumhead Sat 24-Nov-12 20:36:04

I wish my parents or my IL would have the kids for a week. Or a night even.
You're lucky to have PIL who are interested in your DS. Some of us don't have that luxury.

bumhead Sat 24-Nov-12 20:36:51

^ that wasn't having a pop at you btw, I'm just a bit envious

ewaczarlie Sat 24-Nov-12 20:44:27

Well we've jut returned from said night and DS didn't want to spend much time with gps. I sat with them and talked with them but he didn't want to so I was relaxed and let him do what he wants. Unsurprisingly gps asked if they could see him tomorrow. Now we have plans but for all of those claiming I'm BU I've said yes of course, well cancel ur plans as I know how important it is for them all to spend time together (and they apologised for not making time to see him today thus making us change plans which of course I don't mind because I believe that family comes 1st). I know my DS and gps - his avoiding them is natural since he doesn't see them that often now but I don't want him to loose contact with them ESPECIALLY since dh isn't interested in seeing them.

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