to be annoyed that we are excluded

(177 Posts)
Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:06:18

Here comes the excuses, so far I've batted them back with good humour but its fading fast.
Been seeing someone on and off for a while, he spends time art mine, with my young kids etc.
Hes off to NEC with his son tomorrow who I havent met.
I just invited myself and DD to go to, as he knows we love motorbikes too.
Cue excuses.
So far we've had 'u know I'm going with DS', to which I replied 'oh sorry for confusion, I meant we all go then u see us and DS, win win, wharves time are u picking me up?' To which he replied 'told u I'm going with DS' to which I replied 'thats fine, can't wait to meet him. What time shall I be ready for' .....
I'm on a hiding to nothing ain't it?
How on earth do I salvage this?

WorraLiberty Fri 23-Nov-12 18:08:24

OMG if I was seeing someone on and off and they acted like that because I wanted to take my DS out alone, I wouldn't want to salvage anything.

Are you always this pushy?

Tweasels Fri 23-Nov-12 18:08:26

Surely he has a right to spend time alone with his son. YABU.

You sound very pushy, strange behaviour in my book.

scurryfunge Fri 23-Nov-12 18:09:30

If your relationship has been on and off then maybe he doesn't want to introduce you yet. Maybe his ex partner makes unreasonable demands about who her child may see. Maybe the child doesn't want to meet you yet.

OddBoots Fri 23-Nov-12 18:09:55

I think you salvage it by working out why this is annoying you and discussing that with him rather than approaching it in a passive aggressive way.

That said, it takes two and he is just as bad for not discussing with you why he'd rather you not go.

For what it's worth I'd not want to introduce a new partner to my child if things have been 'on and off for a while' - things would have to be solid and serious for a wile.

HeathRobinson Fri 23-Nov-12 18:10:42

What reason does he give for you not meeting his son, when he's met your kids?

olddogs Fri 23-Nov-12 18:12:01

maybe she isnt his ex.....

backforhelp Fri 23-Nov-12 18:12:56

Is his DS quite young? Not sure from your OP if you are talking about a little one or an older teenage/adult DS which will make a difference.

bubblepop Fri 23-Nov-12 18:13:12

He is obviously not ready for you to meet his DS, might be nothing to do with you whatsoever. Maybe he does not get much time alone with him? Perhaps though, you should consider organizing something alone with your own children, and don't invite him see if it bothers him the same way it bothers you.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:13:34

Just to add, his DS is 18 not a kid.
And I feel I should push because its not fair that I have included him in my family months ago and he's holding back on me.
I know everyone moves at different rates but I felt is was a now or never moment.
And now I'm not sure I've got the nerve to follow it through as it seems like there's only one way this will end for me. Badly.

AngelWreakinHavoc Fri 23-Nov-12 18:14:06

Hr has every right to spend time with his ds alone.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 23-Nov-12 18:14:48

He wants to go with his son not you, what's the problem?

grovel Fri 23-Nov-12 18:15:16

He wants "Dad and his Lad" time. His DS is probably incredibly excited about it. His experience will be completely different if looking at motorbikes with Dad is changed to to looking at motorbikes with Dad and a bunch of strangers (one of whom, awkwardly, my Dad appears to fancy).


TiggyD Fri 23-Nov-12 18:15:25


Are you planning on wearing a wedding dress when you meet him there?

AngelWreakinHavoc Fri 23-Nov-12 18:16:24

Maybe his ds does not want to meet you and he is sparing your feelings by not telling you?

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:16:45

Damn it!

Are you suspicious that it's not his "son" he's off with?

shinyblackgrape Fri 23-Nov-12 18:17:37 salvage........I would stop texting.

I think it's best to discuss anything like this in person in any event.

Let him go with his DS alone tomorrow. You don't want to spoil that fir his DS. Then discuss it with him when you're next together.

I know from friends who are separated-divorced with children that different people have different time scales for introductions. Yiu need to see if you can agree a time for introductions but you must respect his time frames on this - particularly if you've been off and on.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:17:46

Angel its not that. I don't even think he knows I exist.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Fri 23-Nov-12 18:17:47

You are being very pushy.

It doesn't matter what's fair. You make the choices about your family, he makes ten choices about his. He is not obliged to introduce you to his family just because you have allowed him to meet your dc. You probably shouldn't have let your dc meet someone that you are on/off with and who hasn't let you meet his family first, but you did and that's your choice. If he's been more sensible, then good for him.

tisnottheseasonyet Fri 23-Nov-12 18:17:51

yabvu, why won't you allow him time alone with his son? Hope he sees the red flags.

YoullScreamAboutItOneDay Fri 23-Nov-12 18:18:34

And if the son is 18 and your kids are little, that is a massively different dynamic to a day out than 'dad and teenage son'. The day revolves around little kids in many ways.

Tweasels Fri 23-Nov-12 18:19:15

If his son is 18 he will have a say in whether he wants to meet you. Which he might not.

YOU made the decision to let him meet your children. That doesn't mean he has to reciprocate. His son is an adult and you have no right to force yourself on him.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:19:45

Pumpkin no, I think it's def DS but I just feel like he's holding back on me and I'm upset as I feel like his horrible secret.
When I've been nothing but open and inviting with him.
I guess we are just too different.

He doesn't want you to meet his son - if you're not ok with that then move on to someone else.

highlandcoo Fri 23-Nov-12 18:19:56

How on earth do I salvage this?

Apologising for trying to push in and saying you hope he has a good time with his son would be a good start.

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 18:21:03

so, dispite the fact your relationship isn't stable and long term, you still have made him part of your DD's life, which is rather cruel on her when it's in an "off again" stage, but think he's in the wrong because he is being more sensible and not wanting to introduce a woman with whom he's not in a long term stable relationship to his DS?

OP - he's being a good parent to his DS. That you let him spend time with your DD when you are 'on again, off again' is your mistake, don't assume he's doing anything wrong by not wanting to be as reckless with his child's emotions.

Also, trying to force an introduction that he does'nt want to do by inviting yourself along and then refusing to take the hint when it is made clear to you that you aren't welcome is stupid childish behaviour. You seem to want to score points over your DP more than you want to treat either child in this situation well - how dare you try to force an introduction without giving him time to discuss you and meeting you with his DS, making it in a stressful situation for a whole day at an event the boy has probably been looking forward to going to with his father. Who do you think you are that your need to get your DP to 'prove' he's serious about you is more important than the feelings of his son. And have you thought at all about your DD and how she might feel meeting DPs DS? That might be stressful for her and better not in a strange location?

Or is just about you?

redskyatnight Fri 23-Nov-12 18:21:53

Maybe it's the son that doesn't want to meet you and the guy you're seeing doesn't want to say so in case he hurts your feelings?

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:22:29

shiny they have been divorced for 10 yrs.
tisnot of course I let him see his son alone, he sees him most days, I see him once or twice a wk.

WorraLiberty Fri 23-Nov-12 18:23:44

How long have you been seeing one another?

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 18:24:12

ok, that didn't post at first, so now is largely changed now I've seen the DS is 18, but still, that doesn't mean it's right that the father should be introducing an 'on again, off again' girlfriend to his DS, and you really shouldn't be over sharing your family life with him.

Apologise for trying to force the issue.

Think about whether it's best for your DD to have a man with whom you aren't in a stable relationship in her life.

EuroShagmore Fri 23-Nov-12 18:25:12

The last bloke who pushed me into spending my weekend the way he wanted found himself on the way to Dumpsville rather quickly.

If you have other signs that there is more going on here then perhaps you are right to be worried, but I don't think that him taking his 18 yr old out to perve over bikes for a day is any kind of call for alarm! It's great that they do those sorts of things together.

aPirateInaPearTree Fri 23-Nov-12 18:25:12

on off relationship and you've let him spend with your young kids??

poor things.

GhostShip Fri 23-Nov-12 18:26:37

Is this the fella you went on a date with the other week, or are you the wrong flo?

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:27:30

dontmind your being a twonk. How dare I?
What planet are u on?
How dare you imply I am cruel to my DD. This is the 21st century, women are actually allowed to have male friends. Are u this protective when introducing your DC to friends? Cos to a 3 yo, that's all we are.

Have you tried asking when (or if!) he intends to introduce you?

WorraLiberty Fri 23-Nov-12 18:29:43

How long have you been seeing him OP and why is it on/off?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Fri 23-Nov-12 18:31:36

I was that protective when my ds's were two and four. I had an on/off relationship with a lovely guy for three years, he saw my children once. While the relationship was a lot of fun and I cared for him a lot, I knew he wasn't 'the one' so he didn't get to be around my kids. It's that simple.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:31:45

Worra I've known him for 13 yrs. Been seeing him frequently for 12 months tho more as friends until the last month. Met my dad a few wks back when DF babysat and he collected me. Introduced him to my DC about 6 months ago. Always have to put the breaks on him as he appears to adore DD. Yet just feel somewhat disheartened that he is reluctant with me.

HeirExtensions Fri 23-Nov-12 18:32:00

Worra I would hazard a guess at 4/5 months or 7/8 months.

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 18:32:14

"And now I'm not sure I've got the nerve to follow it through as it seems like there's only one way this will end for me. Badly."

Regardless of the fact that you are being far too pushy you should not be afraid of following through on something you want because you think it will mean something happens that you don't want. The way you went on in the OP was annoying to read nevermind how bad it must hve been to listen too. You made a choice to let your child spend time with mummy's boyfriend even though you are in a solid, committed reltionship. It doesn't mean he has to do the same and tbf i think his way is the right way for now.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:32:18

There has been a reply to my text for 5 mins now but I darent open it!

I've never met my father's bidie in and they've been together over 10 years. Wouldn't e terribly impressed if she tried to muscle in on a trip we'd organised together.

HeirExtensions Fri 23-Nov-12 18:34:08

Oh no was wrong, sorry.

WorraLiberty Fri 23-Nov-12 18:34:30

So you've actually only been seeing him romantically for a month?

Selim Fri 23-Nov-12 18:35:21

If I was looking forward to some one on one time with my mum or my dd or anyone really and a third wheel started pushing in the I would be pissed off. This would include people who I love very much eg if I was doing something with just my sister I wouldn't necessarily want my mum or my DH there too. Sometimes 3 is a crowd and 3 plus little kids is a bigger crowd.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 18:35:55

Is this the one you had a date with 2 weeks ago.

If so, you were nervous then, but have actually been on and off 'for a while'.

Fact is OP, you have no right to dictate as and when he introduces you to his son. The fact that you have chose to do so, so soon is entirely up to you.

I would be majorly fucked if someone invited themselves out with me when I was having a day alone with dd, and would be really fucked off if they kept ignoring what I was saying and insisting they were coming.

Your behavior is very erratic and, tbh, if I were him I would resolve this by taking a ,massive step away.

HeirExtensions Fri 23-Nov-12 18:36:00

Pumpkin "bidie in" I've not heard that in years grin

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:37:26

I think I agreed in the original post that I'd screwed up big time and had my doubts about following it through.
What I really want to know is how I should resolve it hopefully without having to admit I was wrong!

Viviennemary Fri 23-Nov-12 18:37:56

How long is a while? He obviously wants to go alone to this exhibition with his son. So I would let it go rather than push yourself on him. He doesn't feel ready for you to meet his son yet it looks like. I think it's worth taking things slowly but don't wait forever!

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 18:38:52

You "let him see his son alone"?

Oh my.

WorraLiberty Fri 23-Nov-12 18:39:20

But you were wrong and if you can't admit that to him and apologise, I can't see why he would want to resolve it.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:39:22

I think its less to do with no wanting to introduce a woman to DS and more not wanting to introduce me to DS.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Nov-12 18:39:47

I agree with grovel

This may or not be about you meeting his son, in general. You resolve that by talking to him and not making assumptions.

The fact this is a motorbike show, with teenage son and dad, is probably very relevant.

Doha Fri 23-Nov-12 18:39:59

CAn l ask how old you both are?

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 18:40:13

Grown ups admit when they were in the wrong.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:40:15

Justfab I didn't say that.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Nov-12 18:41:09

You are probably joking, but if not, I'd say admitting when you are wrong is one of the most important qualities in a good partner

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Fri 23-Nov-12 18:41:26

How many bunnies are boiling on your hob, at the current time?

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 18:41:42

Well, are you making sure your DD does'nt bond with this man ? If you split up again will she understand where he's gone? Why are you bringing someone you have only been dating for a short while into your DD's life? He's not just a friend is he - she is old enough to get that. It might make you feel better to think it won't matter and she won't miss him if you split up, but that's not going to make it better.

Sorry if that upsets you, but really, he's being a good parent. holding off until you've been dating for a long time and are certain that its going to last before introducing your DCs (no matter how old they are) to your new partner is the best way to do it for the DCs - it might not be best for your relationship, but then that really should come second.

gordyslovesheep Fri 23-Nov-12 18:42:03

'on and off' means it's NOT serious ...NOT serious means you don't involve your kids - he sounds very sensible to me

you sound pushy - ergo YABU

tisnottheseasonyet Fri 23-Nov-12 18:42:59

How do you resolve it without admitting you were wrong? Stop playing childish games OP. You're either very immature or very manipulative. It has to be one of the two.

WorraLiberty Fri 23-Nov-12 18:42:59

I know you've known him for a long while but you've only been on TWO actual dates, haven't you? confused

He has every right to take things at his own pace regarding his son.

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 18:43:03

You did, at 18:22.

HairyGrotter Fri 23-Nov-12 18:43:22

You sound a bit mental, fair dos to the fella, I'd advise home to run

HairyGrotter Fri 23-Nov-12 18:43:50

*him...fucking iPad!

Come on, don't keep us in suspenders - what did his text say??

I would suggest dropping the deliberate misreading of his text messages.

IllageVidiot Fri 23-Nov-12 18:45:13


You invited yourself on a dad and son treat day out. Bad enough, you also want then to bring your much younger children which will change the dynamic completely. Worse still his son has never met any of you. DS is an adult and is perfectly within his rights to want to keep this day with his father to himself and if he doesn't want to meet you then that is also his right.

I'm not sure I would want to salvage anything with someone that tried to get me to choose between my son and them.
You then say he sees his son everyday - good, his son deserves a strong and loving relationship with his father regardles of his fathers dating choices.
If he only sees you once or twice a week then the thing that gives to make more time for your relationship should not be expected to be at the expense of his son, adult or not.

I think your actions are the worrying ones and you appear to be firmly in the wrong here, I would echo PPs concerns your children have a relationship with a man intermittently in their lives. To then be angry at him for not allowing you to intrude uninvited to a father/son day and be upset he didn't choose you over the feelings of his child, because you chose to 'be open' with your children is not a nice thing to read. Background and context are missing for me so excuse the lack of anything more constructive but it sounds like you need to look a bit closer to home for your answers.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 18:45:23

I can't see anywhere in the OP where you said you screwed up. I can see you carrying on defending yourself.

Your relationship is 'off and on'. Its not serious. Even if it was he is under no obligation to you.

You want a grown up proper relationship with him and eventually meet his son?

You resolve it by apologising for being push and explain your feelings, then tell him you are happy to go at his pace.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:45:50

Because I don't think I am wrong.
Pushy - yes
But as someone said (sorry on page before) he probably doesn't want to introduce me because he doesn't see me as long term and I guess that's why I was pushy, I'd got wishy washy responses from him before when I'd mentioned his family and I thought I'd grab the bull by the horns.

chaya5738 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:47:31

As the daughter of someone who ALWAYS brought a girlfriend along whenever it was supposed to be his time for catching up with his children/spending time with us, I can say that you are MOST DEFINITELY being unreasonable. And your partner sounds very thoughtful towards his son albeit spineless with you. He is being unreasonable for not telling you straight up why you aren't invited.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 18:48:35

OP at 18.37 you said I think I agreed in the original post that I'd screwed up big time and had my doubts about following it through.

now you are saying Because I don't think I am wrong.

So which is. you either screwed up or you are right.

You are getting wishy washy response because you have been on 2 dates. its not serious.

You are ensuring this doesn't go anywhere as well.

quoteunquote Fri 23-Nov-12 18:48:41

To be honest, having had an 18 year old son, and houseful of male teens, I can imagine that the lad will not be that interested, or overly pleased to have you around, generally they are not impressed by the adults in their lives having new relationships, they think it all a bit pointless, and tend to dislike change.

If you gate crash some prearranged father son time, you will be as popular as the pope in mecca, with someone who you have to form a good relationship with if you wish to continue the relationship with his father.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 23-Nov-12 18:48:53

because he doesn't see me as long term and I guess that's why I was pushy

But how will being pushy get him to change his mind about seeing you as long term?

You also say you don't think you are wrong, just pushy. But surely being pushy PUTS you in the wrong?

chaya5738 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:49:20

And you aren't "grabbing the bull by the horns." You're being passive aggressive. Just ask him if he doesn't want you to meet his children. And then respect his answer.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:50:53

justfab I didn't, I was quoting someone else. Read the thread!

IllageVidiot Fri 23-Nov-12 18:51:38

Chaya5738 - it might look spineless, but if after this short amount of time I got that kind of pushy balls from someone I would be fudging like all get out while I was working out whether this was an indication of what was to come - if I decided it was then I would be non-commital while I worked out the best way to dump and run.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Nov-12 18:51:47

Yes, but texting is not grabbing the bull by the horns. It's more like flicking the bull on the ear.

You sound frustrated but this isn't the way to go about things

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Fri 23-Nov-12 18:53:41

How can you not see you are wrong?

You aren't doing yourself any favours by being pushy. You are just giving him the opportunity to piss all over your feelings, and then if you stay with him after that rejection, you are practically giving him an invitation to treat you like crap. He will know that you will hang on for him, even if he hurts you, so he'll do it again because he has nothing to lose. The fact that he cares for you won't stop him, because he doesn't already care for you enough to want you to meet his family.

Sorry, but I think you need to think about where this is going and treat yourself and more importantly, your child, with more respect.

timeforachangebaby Fri 23-Nov-12 18:56:20

A) he just isn't that into you
b) his child is an adult and has no real need to meet you
C) be glad about b - SCs are a nightmare no matter how old they are

grovel Fri 23-Nov-12 18:56:55

If you care, send him this text:

I'm sorry I was so pushy about the NEC. I was wrong. I got it into my head that it would be an ideal time for us all to meet up. I hadn't really thought it through from your standpoint. Have a lovely time.

grovel Fri 23-Nov-12 18:57:46

Give him 10 minutes and then phone him.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:58:04

I know I'm not doing myself any favours! But believe me, this bloke is never wrong! (in his eyes!) and telling him I am will only get me a yes u r response and still no nearer to finding out the cause of him holding back on me.
Still not read text!

CordeliaChase Fri 23-Nov-12 18:59:37


He probably just wants to have some boys time. Maybe his son has bought him these tickets as a treat, maybe he doesnt get to do stuff like this often. It might be a tradition that they go to the bike show. You don't know. It seems to me either hes just not that into you, you're being too pushy or you're not listening to him. Yes you have let him into every aspect of your life. Did he ask you to let him in? Or did you push it on him? Sorry if I'm being harsh but you need to back off and let him spend time with his DS. I'm sure you would have a lot less respect for him if he took no interest in his son

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 18:59:39

grove of course I care but its still not fair!

grovel Fri 23-Nov-12 19:00:10

He's not fucking holding back on you. He is (or was!) developing a complex relationship in his own way. We all do that.

TheNebulousBoojum Fri 23-Nov-12 19:00:40

So what did the text say?

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 19:00:46

this bloke is never wrong!

sounds like you were made for each other.

Maybe you feel he is never wrong because you behave like this. He does NOT have to provide you with reasons when you have been out on 2 dates.

You are wrong. and if you are having these sorts of issues and playing games at this stage, you may as well pack it in. You will be miserable together and then you will split. Then your dcs will get hurt.

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 19:00:54

If you have such distain for him why are you with him?

All the !! about not reading the texts are a bit juvenile. Just read it. All this angst could be for nothing.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:00:57

Then why not reply sorry hun its strictly boys together time, instead of making me feel like he's just not that in to me?

grovel Fri 23-Nov-12 19:02:08

Do you know much about men, Flojo?

tisnottheseasonyet Fri 23-Nov-12 19:02:08

"' 'snot fair!!"

I take my manipulative suggestion back OP, you're just incredibly childish.

CordeliaChase Fri 23-Nov-12 19:02:17

Also, he might not want young kids running round. If its the same bike show I went to a few years ago (guessing it probably will be) its more of an adult environment. Too many beautiful bikes, things that can get pushed over/broken etc. Stress alert when kids added!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Nov-12 19:03:09

Is he holding back on you though?

Some of us believe he isn't. You clearly do.

On a related point, if you think he won't talk about things, maybe he's not the man for you

Um... He might actually have replied that if you ever actually read his bloody text!

And if you want this relationship to go anywhere accept that he wants to have the time alone with his ds, send grovels text and back the fuck off!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 19:04:09

Why is it not fair that he doesn't want you to meet his DS after a very short time dating in a relationship you call 'on and off'?

That you decided to introduce him to your DD is your mistake decision - why is it fair that because you made one decision that you felt was right for your DD he has to do exactly the same for his DS, even if he doesn't think it's the right one for his DS?

Or do you mean it's not fair that you don't get to go to the bike show (with a 3 year old, who won't want to trapse round all day looking at all the bikes, so you'll either have to deal with a bored 3 year old or make DP and his DS not have the 'grown men day out' they want, but pander to your DD)

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 19:04:25

grove of course I care but its still not fair! OP grow up.

You sound about five. On another thread you admitted you often come across as jealous and 'churlish'. Thats coming through loud and clear now.

That could be another reason he isn't ready for you to meet yet.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 23-Nov-12 19:04:42

grove of course I care but its still not fair!

Help me out here: I am really struggling to work out what's not fair. You have introduced him to your children, your choice; he hasn't introduced you to his yet, his choice. What could possibly be fairer?

This is a brand new not yet fully established relationship. There will be time enough to indulge in mutual back scratching later on if it gets that far.

I think Grovel's suggested text is brilliant. Whereas you just seem hidebound by not admitting you're wrong.

And just for the record 'it's not fair' sounds like someone let Violet Elizabeth Bott in by mistake!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Fri 23-Nov-12 19:05:51

How would him saying that it's strictly boys time have made you feel any different? The outcome would be the same.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 19:07:14

Then why not reply sorry hun its strictly boys together time

he did, but not using the exact words YOU found acceptable. He told you he was going with his son. Thats what he was saying when he said ' i told you i was going with ds'.

Not everybody words things exactly how you require.

TiggyD Fri 23-Nov-12 19:07:28

I hope he reads this and gets out fast.

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 19:11:11

"why not say it is just boys"

He did say that. You just ignored it.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Nov-12 19:16:03

BTW. What does his reply say?

IllageVidiot Fri 23-Nov-12 19:17:59

Overly attached girlfriend

I wonder if the text is the final answer?

Doinmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:21:17

Always have to put the breaks on him as he appears to adore DD. Yet just feel somewhat disheartened that he is reluctant with me

This sounds wrong.

tisnottheseasonyet Fri 23-Nov-12 19:22:03

In what way, doin?

grovel Fri 23-Nov-12 19:22:05

IllageVidiot, I shouldn't laugh but I did.

Doinmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:23:47

Sorry meant to say this sounds the wrong way round. He should be keener on the Op rather than her daughter .

Doinmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:25:30

Actually I guess there's no ' should' about it. He doesn't have to be keen on anyone if he doesn't want to.

TheNebulousBoojum Fri 23-Nov-12 19:26:20

Perhaps the DD doesn't give hi the feeling of being pursued, roped and branded on the arse. Perhaps she's a small child who is generally a happy and uncomplicated person.
Unless you are making some vile and unfounded insinuation, doin?
Because if he wuz a PEEEDO he'd want to spend time with the OP and her family making them feel comfortable. And unsuspicious.
OP sounds like hard work, perhaps she should call it a day before he does.

HildaOgden Fri 23-Nov-12 19:27:26

You're involved with him for a month and you're already pushing the blended families role on him????

Seriously,get a grip.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:31:13

It wasn't him! My mate text me.
I tried calling, as I hate texts but he didn't answer, I'm guessing its no coincidence.
Those who didn't get my "its not fair" joke, I said it because I've been told 16 million times already that I'm being childish!

See, this is why I'm single, I'm totally useless at relationships.
I either hold them at arms length and they wonder off bored. Or I meet someone I really like and grab them with both hands, then tighten it round their neck when they don't respond!
I am doomed to eternal singledom!
Oh well, its friday night, wine o'clock grin

Doinmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:31:47

No nasty insinuations at all . Just saying that he's just not that into her. I wouldn't want to be with someone as a partner who seemed less keen on me than my daughter. Not for any sinister reasons either.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:36:57

No, he's not sinister, he just seems to dote on her and finds her 3 yo conversation more amusing than mine!
He took DD to meet his family a few months back, just not me! And not DS, we are a secret, he's 18 ffs. Not mentioning us is one thing but last wkend he deliberately hid it. Hence why its been bugging me all wk, hence why when he cancelled our plans to go NEC did I jump on the don't worry we'll come too bandwagon and didn't jump off til it was too late!

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:39:19

Anyway I've taken it all on board so will not push any further and will try to back track if I ever hear from him again

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 19:39:27

OP you posts don't add up.

Where in you OP did you say he cancelled your plans to go to the NEC. YOU didn't have any plans according to your OP, you invited yourself to HIS plans.

Doinmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:40:39

WTAF??? Took your daughter on her own and kept you and your son a secret . I take it back - very very odd

AmberLeaf Fri 23-Nov-12 19:41:48

Dooin said what I was going to say.

He took DD to meet his family a few months back, just not me!


Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:43:32

Not my DS, I meant keep secret from his DS.

AmberLeaf Fri 23-Nov-12 19:44:19

Is that the only part you are going to answer???

Doinmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:44:53

Still odd

AmberLeaf Fri 23-Nov-12 19:45:19

Why are you letting this man take your three year old daughter off without you?

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 19:45:46

why did you allow a man you are 'on and off' with to meet his family, when its an issue for you.

Why is he caring for your dd alone? I don't think there is anything dodgy about it but it seems strange that you would allow a non serious boyfriend to take dd for the day.

shinyblackgrape Fri 23-Nov-12 19:46:49

He took your DD but not you?! How well did you know him then? Whose child did he tell his family she was?!

I'm speechless. I really am. I genuinely think you need to assess your boundaries generally.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:47:33

I usually see him on a saturday, he usually sees his DS and family on a sunday. We'd vaguely chatted about what we were going to do etc. But nothing firm.
He originally text to say, can't do saturday off to NEC with DS. As I do bike show most yrs I realised it was time of yr.
I said no worries we can all go, as he then said u know I'm going with DS, I dug my heels in (or claws as it now seems!)

This is the most bizarre thread of the day

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:48:37

Why wouldn't I let him take my 3 yo DD 'off' ?

AmberLeaf Fri 23-Nov-12 19:50:30

Because it is your job as her parent not to hand her out to random men.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:50:30

I've known him 13 yrs, I trust him completely.
I was in a fix, it was a Sunday, his DS was busy, he offered to help me out of fix and take DD to his families where his sister and her 2 young DCs were for about 2 hrs.

Doinmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:50:47

My first ever biscuit

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 19:51:31

I wouldn't let him take my dd to meet his family because he was a casual kind of boyfriend. You have only had two dates with him.

What need was there for him to have sole charge of her and for her to meet his family?

HOw would you feel if your ex let his kind of girlfriend take her off for the day?

Also you didn't have plans to go to the NEC then, so he didn't cancel anything.

shinyblackgrape Fri 23-Nov-12 19:52:17

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NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 19:54:23

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AmberLeaf Fri 23-Nov-12 19:55:07

Can anyone be that naive?

I agree shinyblackgrape.

Doinmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:57:32

None of this makes much sense

picnicbasketcase Fri 23-Nov-12 20:02:15

If he's been a friend for years (but you've only been seeing each other romantically for a few months), I don't think it's that bad for him to take your DD out to visit family.. You've pretty much cocked up by not accepting his first text reply saying he was going with his DS though. I can't think why anyone would keep pushing themselves into going somewhere when they've already been told they aren't welcome.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:04:02

Why because he's a bloke? Are u really that sexist?
I'm sure when you've been in a fix u have left DC with female friends u have known less time.
So because this is a male friend and just because we have since crossed the line from friend to boyfriend that made him incompetent?

timeforachangebaby Fri 23-Nov-12 20:05:40

NEC is fine for children - we took a nearly 2 and nearly 4 year old last year, they loved it, although that was mid week.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:06:01

Nora he didn't take her 'to meet his family' as such. I was in a fix and he said he'd take her and he'd love to introduce her to his family, which I found endearing, as I was burning a candle by this point.

timeforachangebaby Fri 23-Nov-12 20:06:54

flojo I can see why you left dd with him as well, its inly now you are making the cross over into "relationship" territory,we have male friends we would leave DCs with.

HildaOgden Fri 23-Nov-12 20:07:49

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

flow4 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:08:25

I think your only way to salvage this is to text him and say "I've been thinking. I've been a bit unreasonable, haven't I?! Sorry. Of COURSE you want time alone with your DS. Have a lovely day! See you soon".

Badgersnatch Fri 23-Nov-12 20:10:33

At least pirate bouncy castles was funny.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:11:40

Anyway, just rang him again (yes twice, pushy!) and he answered laughing saying do u really want to drag poor DD round the NEC all day? To which i replied no, no, your right it was a silly idea, she'd probably get bored silly me, I didn't think, I just thought it'd be nice to meet your son but it was daft of me to wade in on a boys trip.
..To which he replied, no worries, DS is here now I've just told him all about u, say hello DS.....
Doh! Looks like I got it wrong! Ok I admit it I DID GET IT WRONG!
Looks like I got away with it this time, doubt i'll be so lucky next time.
Note to self, when feeling needy, have wine instead!

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:13:07

flow thanx that's the best reply I could have sent. Please be on stand by for next time!

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 20:13:27

I'm sure when you've been in a fix u have left DC with female friends u have known less time.

Actually no.
I have been lucky enough that only family have had mine. I took ds to hospital this week as I have disloctaed my rib. I had to wait for mum to be free before they could 'try' manipulate it back. i could have called some 'off and on friends' but i didn't.

Its not so much that he took her.

Your first point is that HE took her to meet his family on her own. Not with you and you are not allowed to meet them. You felt hidden. Thats weird. A man (or woman) to arrange to take his partners kids to meet his family but exclude her partner is strange.

However the situation was that he didn't want to take her to meet his family. he was doing you a favor (so you couldn't have gone anyway) and thought the best place to take was his sisters as she has small kids. So it was easier.

The intention was not to introduce her (and not you to his family) but to make the couple of hours he had easier.

There is a difference. But you seem to like to describe situations which best suit you at the time.

You have changed your story so many times in this thread. I am not sure if you are a generally erratic person or taking the piss.

shinyblackgrape Fri 23-Nov-12 20:13:43

timeforachange - do the male friends take your DC off to meet family who you've never met? Seriously?

Are your DC 3?

Bonsoir Fri 23-Nov-12 20:16:29

Your new boyfriend is doing something with his 18 year old DS and you are trying to butt in? shock

Leave them be - they are allowed to want to spend time alone together.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:17:09

My DC are 7 and 3. 7 yo DS sees his dad saturday so not there but I have DD without much break, other than work and without much family help. Hence it not being ideal now we have crossed over for DD to be involved but its that or nothing and tbh I need it, I'm so lonely and find wkends so long.

timeforachangebaby Fri 23-Nov-12 20:19:03

Re male friends, OP has said she and this man have been friends with 13 years, I am looking at it in that context, I wouldn't leave DCs with anyone I/we didnt trust, so DH best mate has a million siblings, I trust him implicitly and I wouldnt mind where he took them while they are in his care, because I wouldnt be leaving him with them if I didnt trust his judgement.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:19:16

Nora I've not intentionally drip fed or 'changed the story', just as the thread progressed things that I didn't think were relevant seemed to become relevant.

flow4 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:19:23

Yay, well done Flojo. smile Credit to you for admitting you messed up, AND for taking advice! smile

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:20:58

Thanx Flow for all your advice and not telling me I'm a twonk!

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:23:36

I trust my friend of 13 yrs and he trusts his sister implicitly, that's good enough for me.
I leave my DC at nursery and school with strangers.
Nora I think you'll find most DC who have been abused were abused by a family member.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 20:26:17

I am not talking about drip feeding.

I am talking about the fact that you claimed to have said in your OP that you screwed up. Then 2 minutes later say 'but I think I am right'.

You say you invited yourself to the NEC then said he cancelled your plans to go to the NEC. When there weren't any.
You also said you would have been fine if he had said its was a boys day out. Which he did.

Then you said he want to introduce dd to his family and excluded you. But actually he did a favor for you as you were in a 'bind' so couldn't have gone. So you weren't excluded.

That's not drip feeding. Its changing stories.

Well done for admitting you were wrong and try to be a calmer. Let him decide what he wants to do in regards to his son.

I am wondering how come you have known this man for 13 years, consider him a good friend and you have never met the son he spends loads of time with.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 20:30:52

Nora I think you'll find most DC who have been abused were abused by a family member.

What the fuck has that got to do with anything? I am fully aware actually since my step father repeatedly raped me. I know loads about it. Note step father.
Its actually not blood relatives. That statsic includes step parents and parents partners. If you want to get technical.

my comment about my kids only staying with my parents was because you said you bet I left my kids with female friends and i don't leave my kids with any relatives. Its just mum, dad (now remarried) and my brother and sil.

you were the one that intimates you boyfriend was more interesed in your dd and took her off. Rather than doing you a favor.

shinyblackgrape Fri 23-Nov-12 20:32:04

Anyone working in the school will be CRB checked and traceable. Although CRB checks aren't foolproof, they at least give some comfort.

Anyway, I'm bowing out now as we're not going to agree on this

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:34:24

I didn't say he cancel our plans to go to the NEC. I said (or meant) he cancelled our plans go to the NEC.
I didn't say he took DD and excluded me. I said DD has met them but not me.
Just because I'm not articulate doesn't make me a liar.
As for why haven't I met his son in those 13 yrs, well I did briefly once bump in to him in Asda when he was 9 but that's hardly the same as met him now, as an adult, as someone important to his dad. Also our 13 yr friendship was a group of us down the pub every wkend, not happy families! (until I had DS anyway!)

timeforachangebaby Fri 23-Nov-12 20:35:05

CRB checks aren't worth the paper they are written on IMHO and I think provide a false sense of security.

Sadly Nora, that is the highest statistic, male step parents. Sorry that happened to you.

timeforachangebaby Fri 23-Nov-12 20:36:48

For example, I know of someone who is currently living with a CP social worker and her children - and is on bail for rape and sex with a child. I do not know how that is not a conflict of interest but there you go.

Flojo1979 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:39:56

Nora I admitted I was pushy and was wrong to push him.
I'm going to leave it here as for some reason u seem to be taking things personally and that's not my intention. I've felt I've always got to be on the defensive with u and that's not nice.
I'm sorry u had a bad experience when younger and I can see why introducing boyfriends to DCs wouldst sit well with u. But I guess that horse as bolted as far as I am concerned.
And yes I do find this thread rather self indulgent! I'm not used to talking about myself quite this much!
It's been nice to talk to other adults for a change. Even if I've been given a pasting!

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 20:41:55

hence why when he cancelled our plans to go NEC did I jump

From your post at 19.36. If you want to check.

He took DD to meet his family a few months back, just not me! And not DS, we are a secret, this from the same post.

See that we are secret?

timeforachangebaby Fri 23-Nov-12 20:43:35

Nora, give the OP a break!! I am not sure why exactly she has rattled your cage so much.

GhostShip Fri 23-Nov-12 20:45:08

FFS you've come down heavy on Flo, stop the interrogation. She's already accepted she was BA bit U.

timeforachangebaby Fri 23-Nov-12 20:46:18

Flo, if you are ever feeling lonely, there is always adult company to be had on chat.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 20:46:24

Why just me?

Because tbh, as a few posters have said (but you seem to only want pick me up on it) it seems so far fetched.

You keep changing the situations. This is why you have so many problems relating to people.

Yes i do feel you using (and changing to suit you) a stat to show its better to leave a child with a friend than family personally.

If you are going to use stats, expect to have them clarified.

As I said i don't have an issue with you leaving her with him. it was the implication he was stealing her away to meet his family in secret, but wouldn't let you meet them.

Kethryveris Fri 23-Nov-12 20:48:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeforachangebaby Fri 23-Nov-12 20:48:07

No she didnt your interpretation of the situation was wrong, IMO, I could see straight away that OP meant he had cancelled their Saturday, not her plans to go to NEC, its just the way you chose to read it.

And why you, because you are the one who is acting like a dog with a bone who doesnt want to let go of it.

chaya5738 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:50:39

Glad it all worked out in the end, OP.

Enjoy your wine!

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 20:51:56

We will have to agree to disagree.

I didn't realise you were the MN police and we were only allowed to respond a set amount of times.

if you look, my last few posts have been direct responses to the OP posting using my name.

If you feel I am acting outside guidelines, report me. HTH

timeforachangebaby Fri 23-Nov-12 20:53:01

If you are referring to me, I don't believe in reporting, I think posts should stand as we aren't children in a playground.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 20:57:02

Yes I am referring to you.

You don't want to follow MNs guidelines and prefer to be passive aggressive? Up to you.

Whats not up to you is to police the boards. As I said my last few posts were as a result of the OP posting comments directed at me.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 20:59:54

Anyway OP. Well done for admitting you were wrong.

Have you thought about counseling as you say you have issues in relationships?

Might be worth it. Try not to see everything he does as a slight against you.

diddl Fri 23-Nov-12 21:06:28

I didn´t think that he cancelled anything did he-just said "can´t do Saturday"

So when someone says that-why would you say-oh it´s OK-we can come with you??

Well, it´s sorted now-but take the hint in future, OP!

He´s allowed to not see you on a Saturday!

timeforachangebaby Fri 23-Nov-12 21:35:50

I wasn't policing the board, I was pointing out your misinterpretation of the OPs posts, IMO, given that it isn't as easy to play word games with me.

COCKadoodledooo Fri 23-Nov-12 21:52:55

I wouldn't muscle in on a day ds1 has planned with his dad and I'm married to him!

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