AIBU to leave DH to make his own way home?

(104 Posts)

DH due home from London tonight. I had to pick him up from the station as we are having car troubles. Told me he would be on the train arriving at 8.45. Texted me to say he was on train. Now I have been at work all day, come home, fed children, sorted house, been parent helper at guides also. Drove 20 mins in dark and rain to station, waited 25 mins as train was late due to weather. Train came in to station. Train left station. No DH. Called him, sent texts, no reply. So we drove home and the DD's are now in bed asleep. He has just rung, and clearly he has been drinking. The story is he fell asleep and missed his stop, went several stops down the line in fact and is now wending his way back home. I have told him to make his own way back from the station. Now this will be tricky as we live in the arse end of nowhere and there are no taxis. Station a good 10 miles away across country lanes. He clearly thinks I am being unreasonable for not collecting him. AIBU? WWYD?

hf128219 Thu 22-Nov-12 22:26:56

Can he not order a taxi to pick him up?

He can try but he'll be lucky to get someone to come out, the taxis round here are mostly pre-booked posh jobs that do airport runs etc. No buses.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 22-Nov-12 22:28:33

Yes. If you didn't live in the middle of nowhere you wouldn't be, but as it is he'll have to walk. That's potentially dangerous, even if he hasn't been drinking.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 22-Nov-12 22:29:11

Yes. If you didn't live in the middle of nowhere you wouldn't be, but as it is he'll have to walk. That's potentially dangerous, even if he hasn't been drinking.

He could get off at another stop and spend the night in a pub. He's done it before.

So should I leave the DD's asleep in their beds to go and get him which is what he thinks I should do?

Or do I wake them up and take them?? They have school tomorrow!

How old are dds?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 22-Nov-12 22:34:06

Would you have to wake up your DDs and put them in the car to collect him?

goralka Thu 22-Nov-12 22:34:23

leave them asleep and go and get him

uniqueatlast Thu 22-Nov-12 22:34:34

I'd wake them and get him but by gosh I'd make him know about it/pay.

You absolutely cannot leave the children asleep.

goralka Thu 22-Nov-12 22:34:54

leave them a note in case they wake up

McTagster Thu 22-Nov-12 22:35:07

10 miles across country lanes? I'd go and get him.

DD's 11 and 8.

goralka Thu 22-Nov-12 22:35:30

ooops conflicting advice here....

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 22-Nov-12 22:35:45

x post - how old are they? If they are old enough to be left I would still wake to tell them you are going out.

Does your DH often drink so much he misses his train stop?

goralka Thu 22-Nov-12 22:36:30

of course you can leave them you will be 45 minutes...if he is a bit pissed and it's all country lanes and shit weather it would be mean to leave him....

I wouldn't leave them at that age.

I wouldn't leave them, they're too young. Can you ring a few taxi companies for him?

Have you left them before? Are they likely to wake up?

Leave them a note & go get him?

Well he is now not answering his phone and I don't know where he is. I have texted him asking where he is but no response.

SamSmalaidh Thu 22-Nov-12 22:38:59

I think you have to get him, but I would be furious!

akaemmafrost Thu 22-Nov-12 22:39:24

I wouldn't leave them. Order him a cab to pick him up from the station?

And yes he has done this before. Last week in fact. And other occasions. There's a long backstory to this which I have posted about before on relationships. Just sometimes I lose my sense of perspective and actually think IABU when actually I think really I am not!

SandStorm Thu 22-Nov-12 22:40:24

11 and 8 is absolutely fine to leave them for the time it will take to go and get him. You can give him hell tomorrow but how would you feel if he doesn't make it home down those dark, country lanes?

If you can, wake the 11 year old just enough to let her know what you're doing though.

Leave him sort himself out. Irresponsible ignorant tosser.

SamSmalaidh Thu 22-Nov-12 22:41:14

Actually if he does this often, leave him to it. Has he got a credit card? He can get a train to somewhere with taxis/hotels.

As he's got history of this, fuck him. He doesn't give a crap so neither should you! He's man enough to walk home, otherwise he wouldn't have been a prat

Haughtyculture Thu 22-Nov-12 22:42:55

I would wake the kids up and go and get him. But make it clear you won't start a habit of bailing him out

uniqueatlast Thu 22-Nov-12 22:43:15

I'd leave it until he texts or calls you and then go and get him.

Please don't even consider leaving the kids in bed. Terrible things can happen and all it takes is 1 electrical fault and you'd never forgive yourself.

(as an aside, I can't believe I've read a couple of threads tonight where the OP has been totally jumped on - one for smacking a child's bum months ago - and here some posters are actually saying it's fine to leave an 8 and 11 year old in bed on their own))

McTagster Thu 22-Nov-12 22:43:42

Actually, I would text him and tell him to stay in the pub you mentioned. I wouldn't leave the children, and it does seem a bit unfair to wake them.

uniqueatlast Thu 22-Nov-12 22:44:28

Just seen your x-post about him having previous for this.

Leave him to it!

Kewcumber Thu 22-Nov-12 22:45:28

As he has previous then I'd leave him to it.

Ajaney Thu 22-Nov-12 22:45:50

oh teeny, (hugs) I have posted on your thread in relationships.

Sorry things don't seem to have improved. It's a tough call but he has put himself in this position so I would be reluctant to turn and leave children in bed.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 22-Nov-12 22:45:54

Did he lie about being on the first train to give himself drinking time, knowing you'd tell him not to bother getting the later one? Or was the drinking on the train?

If you can get a taxi do (even if from far and expensive, if he can afford), or, as you said, tell him to get off elsewhere and stay over in a pub / hotel.

Or...maybe if he had to walk once he wouldn't do it again. That is a long walk though.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 22-Nov-12 22:46:08

nah. bollocks to him - im sure if he is a big boy he can work out how to get home on his own.

i wouldnt leave my kids alone and i would certainly not be waking and disturbing them for his idiocy.

im sure he could pre order a taxi.

blisterpack Thu 22-Nov-12 22:47:07

Tell him to stay in a pub. He deserves to be inconvenienced.

Drinking on the train I suspect. He buys bottles of wine at the station and a plastic cup!

Gooniechoons Thu 22-Nov-12 22:47:29

I wouldn't leave my ten yr old...... I would be very pissed off at the suggestion. YANNNNNNNNBU. He is.

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 22-Nov-12 22:48:03

I would leave the dc in bed to pick him up from the station. They have school tomorrow and don't need to be tired.

It's really really shite weather out and it's dark country lanes YABU to just leave him.

Bettyintheburbs Thu 22-Nov-12 22:48:32

You poor lady, what a horrible predicament. Whatever the state of your relationship, it won't get any better if he falls down drunk, injures himself or is otherwise hurt. If he's drunk in the rain miles from home, he's vulnerable to all sorts of risks. For that reason alone, I'd wake the 11 year old, tell her where you're going, go and collect him after texting him telling him you're on your way and not to wander off. Tomorrow, when he is safe and sober, you can decide what to do longer term. Good luck!

lottiegarbanzo Thu 22-Nov-12 22:48:53

I buy bottles of wine at the station and a plastic cup (from lovely M+S, usually with DP, or sometimes a little bottle myself). I have never missed my stop!

goralka Thu 22-Nov-12 22:48:54

yeh thinking about it, fuck him....grin

Pourquoimoi Thu 22-Nov-12 22:49:05

I wouldn't leave them to go ten miles but I would leave them for ten minutes. Mine are 11 and 8 and we've just started leaving them for literally 5-10mins (the 11yo is sometimes left for longer alone but not at night and not for more than an hour or so).

Kewcumber Thu 22-Nov-12 22:49:59

It's really really shite weather out and it's dark country lanes YABU to just leave him. He should have thought of that before he drank so much he was incapable of getting a train home as planned.

And certainly as he isn;t answering his phone I'd wash my hands of him.

trikken Thu 22-Nov-12 22:50:26

id stay with kids and let him make his own way home. sounds like it was his own fault.

That missed-my-stop excuse is the exact one I used to give my DM when I was 16 and had been out drinking with my friends. She stopped falling for it eventually.

You have to get him this time as drunk walking is actually very dangerous. However, real boundaries and there will be no next time. He is warned.

He buys the full size bottles of wine not the little ones!! Anyway I now have no idea where he is so can't go and get him anyway.

DumSpiroSpero Thu 22-Nov-12 22:50:50

YANBU - my advice would be to let him get on with it, but in reality I know I couldn't bring myself to do that.

I'd wake the DD's up tbh. He's unlikely to have got far and a 10 mile each way trip is a good half hour.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Thu 22-Nov-12 22:50:51

No, I would let him find his way home.

I think you have posted about him before. Did you call the police once and report him missing?

ujjayi Thu 22-Nov-12 22:51:22

I am aghast at other replies suggesting it is fine to leave an 11 and 8 year old alone whilst you fetch your rat-arsed husband from the station. My DCs are the same age as yours and there is no way I would leave them alone like this. Even as a one-off, I would be telling DH to organise his own transport home, dark country lanes or no.

"And yes he has done this before. Last week in fact. And other occasions. "
For that reason, I'd leave him to sort himself out tonight.

"He could get off at another stop and spend the night in a pub. He's done it before."
Since he's stopped responding on his phone, I'd guess that that is what he is doing right now.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 22-Nov-12 22:52:21

If he's done this before he should have set an alarm on his phone or asked the conductor to make sure he go off at his stop. Fool.

DumSpiroSpero Thu 22-Nov-12 22:52:26


I think it's probably just as well you can't get hold of him tbh - he's stuffed himself really.

TuftyFinch Thu 22-Nov-12 22:52:41

Don't leave the children, I can't believe some people are advising you do! Let him work it out.

NatashaBee Thu 22-Nov-12 22:53:08

DSD is 12 and would be scared shitless if she woke up to an empty house (even if there was a note telling her where we were). I think DH having to walk 10 miles would be the lesser of 2 evils).

flossy101 Thu 22-Nov-12 22:54:35


You've been out once for him already! It's not fair on you or your dds.

I would be furious!

QuickLookBusy Thu 22-Nov-12 22:54:43

He really is an inconsiderate arse. Drinking so much he falls asleep, doesn't care one bit that you've driven with your DDs to collect him. Then expecting you to go out againangry

If he had an ounce of decency he'd have apologised profusely for not being at the station, then told you he'd stay at the pub.

He's a grown man who created this situation, so let him sort himself out.

QuickLookBusy Thu 22-Nov-12 22:55:38

And I also agree, do not leave the children on their own.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Thu 22-Nov-12 22:56:11

He has a serious alcohol problem if he needs to start drinking from paper cups whole bottles of wine on the train, to the point that he is passing out drunk and misses his stop, on a regular basis.

How much is this costing you, in money, head aches, frustration and time?

Sal100 Thu 22-Nov-12 22:56:11

I would not get my children up to get him at this time of night. He chose to drink on the train, therefore, his problem. I would not leave my children in bed because a) there might be some electrical fault which results in fire at home or b) some drunken idiot either driving a car smashes into me or is in my car and thinks its funny to wind me up by grabbing steering wheel causing a crash.

He is an adult and has made his choise which is drinking, you have been out once already to get him and he wasnt there so all his fault. He needs to learn there are consequences to his actions, you cannot be expected to bail him out every time.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 22-Nov-12 22:57:22

Yes, my point about the wine was essentially that most of us can drink without becoming drunk and incapable. Drunkenness, not drinking necessarily, is a problem. It's the how and with what effect that's important (and having the self-knowledge and control to look after yourself).

He might point out that lots of people drink on trains, which we do but that's not the point. (Haven't read your other threads).

amarylisnightandday Thu 22-Nov-12 22:57:26

I wouldn't fetch him he made his bed....

QuickLookBusy Thu 22-Nov-12 22:58:57

I'd tell him that you are very angry and that you are locking the doors and going to bed.
Also that you do not expect to see him until tomorrow night when you need to have a serious talk.

Well, tried his phone again, no reply. I don't know where he is because I don't know how many stops past our station he actually went, so I don't know what train he was likely to be on coming back, if you see what I mean. There is one that arrives at our station at 11.34 which is possibly the one he would be on, but that seems a bit late to me to be leaving the DD's and definitely too late to be waking them. I don't know any of my neighbours well enough to ask them to sit with the girls at that time of night, and no family nearby. I need to go to bed as I am knackered and am supposed to be going on a course tomorrow - although probably will now have to go and collect him from whatever hedge he decides to sleep under. One time he did this he called me a bitch for not collecting him. He has recently been advertising himself on websites for people looking for extra marital affairs. Anyone fancy him??

goralka Thu 22-Nov-12 23:01:03

no he sounds like a tosser, but thanks.

Go to bed. No one else wants him. LTB.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Thu 22-Nov-12 23:01:39


Question is: Why do you fancy him and put up with him?

You should, however link to his 'affair' site and let a few of us leave messages. Mwahahahaha. Disclaimer: not really.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Thu 22-Nov-12 23:02:31

You honestly dont have to do anything. Stay home, keep safe, keep your children safe, and get yourself on your course tomorrow.

NOW is the time to start pretending to be single.

goralka Thu 22-Nov-12 23:03:04

hang on..he wanted you to fetch him and didn't state his location??
pff nah stay with your girls.

ENormaSnob Thu 22-Nov-12 23:03:49

He's a prick.

I very much think your dds shouldn't be subjected to this type of shit either.

StuntGirl Thu 22-Nov-12 23:03:51

Good god, he sounds like a right catch hmm I don't think you could even give him away OP!

flossy101 Thu 22-Nov-12 23:03:54


Go to bed, let him sort his own mess out, change the locks in the morning.

What an arsehole.

Posterofapombear Thu 22-Nov-12 23:04:22

Well he sounds like the sale of the century! Leave the fucker out in the cold.

Kewcumber Thu 22-Nov-12 23:04:37

turn your phone off and go to bed. Preferably after double locking the doors. Wanker.

QuickLookBusy Thu 22-Nov-12 23:04:39

He sounds like a real catch.

I'd be making an appointment with a solicitor regarding divorce, if I was you.

Thanks ladies for the moral support and you have also made me smile which is a good thing. Off to bed, night night!

Kewcumber Thu 22-Nov-12 23:05:12

I'm single - nobody wakes me up pissed in the night to pick them up...

He is a twat for.putting you in a predicament like this. If he is old enough to buy booze he is old enough to face whatever consequences of said booze he encounters.

And as for the website - id bin bag his shit and leave it on the step. But thats just me

Nighty night teenyweeny. Tell him to fuck off from us smile

Maryz Thu 22-Nov-12 23:08:37

You could leave them if you had to.

But if you do, make sure you call a close friend, tell him/her you are leaving them and you expect to be exactly 45 minutes. Tell them that if you don't call back you have crashed/disappeared/been abducted by aliens and that s/he needs to get to your kids.

That's what I did when I had to do an emergency middle of the night abandonment (to pick ds1 up from A&E, so I had to go hmm).

However, I think in this case i'd leave him to it, and have a serious chat when he shows up.

skateboarder Thu 22-Nov-12 23:14:25

Glad you are not leaving your children alone to sort out a grown adult who really should know better.

" One time he did this he called me a bitch for not collecting him. He has recently been advertising himself on websites for people looking for extra marital affairs."
shock Does he know that you're aware of his advertising himself? shock

The exact same thing happened to me about 3 years ago with DH at 1am..

I ended up driving the extra half hour to collect him as the stop he woke up in was miles from us and there was no public transport - he was also unlikely to get a taxi. The fact he was intoxicated didn't fill me with confidence that he would get home safely at all!

He spent 2 days in the doghouse over that one. Mind you the chocs, flowers and having some of my jobs done over that time by hime was lovely! grin

Moln Thu 22-Nov-12 23:41:13

the fact that you don't know where or when he will be to be collected is a no brianer. As you seem to know.

What a horrible situation for you. I don't think he enhances your life really.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 22-Nov-12 23:56:58

Teeny - when are you going to tell him to leave? sad

One point I'd like to make, which I think is important, even if you don't listen to anything else re his general behaviour - there is no point in starting a thread like this to see if you have lost your perspective or not. Everyone will post about what they would do if it was their DH. If they don't know your background they are most likely to say (for example) 'Yes pick him up' 'He's your DH you should be worried' 'How can you not pick him up etc' - but it's skewed because they assume he's a half decent bloke that doesn't have a history of being a selfish prick and repeatedly doing shit like this sad

A one off occasion, generally a decent DH, of course I'd pick him up. I'd wake the kids and take them with me. Your DH, well... no I wouldn't and wouldn't need to because he would NOT be living with us.

If the station was 5 minutes up the road (a couple of miles) then I'd consider leaving the kids, but 10 miles each way, at night, in this weather - not a bloody chance! <mind you, if it was that close I'd make him walk anyway!>

Do not go out of your way to sort his problem out in the morning, sort the kids out and go to your course - he's created this situation, let him deal with it. You are not a bitch, he's a fucking idiot.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 22-Nov-12 23:58:58

Sparkle - that's exactly what I was talking about. The difference between a DH who would appreciate it, grovel a bit and not do it again the next week is one thing - this absolute bastard is quite another.

BookieMonster Fri 23-Nov-12 00:09:23

Would he show you the same consideration? I think you've already answered that. I'd rather be single than spend my evenings worrying about a faithless, feckless twat.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 23-Nov-12 00:19:22

Night night Tadpole, sleep well.

Pandemoniaa Fri 23-Nov-12 00:23:01

Sleep well, Tadpole. YANBU in leaving this selfish pisshead to sort himself out. I'd probably leave him permanently.

lisad123 Fri 23-Nov-12 01:12:58

Well it's raining hard out there so hopefully he comes home wet, cold and guilty, he is an arse!

CordeliaChase Fri 23-Nov-12 03:41:23

If my DH did this, even once, he would have to walk home. What a pig!

Euphemia Fri 23-Nov-12 06:08:37

What a prick he is, Tadpole. sad

I agree with the poster above who said follow your usual routine today - DDs to school, go on your course. See a solicitor in your lunch break!

minibmw2010 Fri 23-Nov-12 06:36:17

Hope you got some sleep OP. I'm assuming he found a hotel. Does he know that you're aware he's advertising himself ??

ErikNorseman Fri 23-Nov-12 06:41:53

How depressing sad when are you going to take action on this loser?

He texted in the night to say he was staying at a hotel in a town one stop up the line. He is getting a taxi home. No apology has yet been forthcoming. It's a long story, yes have done the solicitor thing, have been to relate but sadly must conclude I may as well bang my head on a brick wall.

hf128219 Fri 23-Nov-12 07:49:02

Will he come home first or go straight to work?

Hope you are ok.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 23-Nov-12 09:28:26

Sorry Teeny sad

I hope you get a happy resolution for you and your DDs

QuickLookBusy Fri 23-Nov-12 12:10:10

If you have tried relate and he is still behaving like this, then you know what you have to do. You really don't want to be banging your head against a brick wall for the rest of your life.

Life can be better, you don't need to put up with being treated so awfully.

Do you want your dds to think that this is the sort of relationship that is normal or something they should aim for?

Pack up his stuff and leave it in the front garden for when he gets back. Then tell him to fuck off back to wherever he was.

Why are you still putting up with this?

lisad123 Fri 23-Nov-12 23:37:09

Did he come home yet?

Yes he was here when I got home tonight. No apologies, in fact we had a row - have posted in relationships about it. Apparently I am a bully who gives him no credit for how hard he works and am always having a go at him. He has gone upstairs to bed but is not in our bedroom, he seems to have taken a pillow and gone to his study. If we lived somewhere "normal" this would not have happened apparently and people fall asleep on trains "all the time".

ImperialBlether Fri 23-Nov-12 23:48:31

Teeny, are you going to continue to live with a man who advertises himself on a website?

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