to think she is being a spoilt brat or should we just go with it

(74 Posts)

dd (15) is organising for her and two friends to go on a night out, she is paying for this as a xmas treat, it was oriignally one local friend but now another friend Y who is roughly 5.5 miles away now is going too. dd is paying for all.
they will go to big town, 20 miles away.
we, or probably dh, will have to pick up in the evening. and bring home.
the furthest one away wants to be taken home, i say she can stay the night and easily get a bus to school next day, she refuses. she wants to be taken home.
now we will ahve to go 20 miles there -pick up, 20 miles home, but the brat less local girl Y wants anotehr 11 miles added to the journey.

i have suggsted perhaps dd goes with her original plan of just the one friend, or should we cowtow to demands of Y

now i know if she catches the bus at the same time to my dd, going in diffeernt directions, she can get to school on time, so that is not the issue.

she Never stays here, it is always my dd doing the running, as a history.

ifancyashandy Thu 22-Nov-12 08:19:20

Maybe she's not allowed to stay at others houses but is too embarrassed to say?

NoraGainesborough Thu 22-Nov-12 08:19:58

There may be a genuine reason she doesn't want to stay.

I would offer to do the journey one way. Either pick her up or drop her off. If she really doesn't want to stay then she can make her own way (or get her parents to drop her) and you drop her off.

Callisto Thu 22-Nov-12 08:20:48

Maybe she knows that you don't like her and therefore doesn't want to stay at your house? Can't blame her either.

LoopsInHoops Thu 22-Nov-12 08:20:56

Can her parents do the fetching?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 22-Nov-12 08:21:05

You need to decide whether you are prepared to do it or not, and then stick to it! If you are not willing to do the extra journey then that is fine, the girl then has the option of staying with you, or asking her own parents to pick her up.

You don't have to bow to the demands of a 15yo you know! Just say no, and get your dd to tell her to choose a different option.

her parents dont have a car.
they are all making their way there, i assume, on the bus.
it is just the bringing home,

MrsCantSayAnything Thu 22-Nov-12 08:21:31

She's been invited now. You can't un-invite her! That would be beyond bad manners.

I can't see why a 15 year old is paying for her mates though.

SantasHugandRollintheSnow Thu 22-Nov-12 08:22:43

Yabu, 5.5 miles either way in a car isn't far at all, it will take between 10 and 20 mins depending on the road types etc. Why should she have to take her school uniform, books, bag etc out tonight because her address is a slight inconvenience.

I would understand if you asked her parents to pick her up from yours but then again, if you're in the car anyway I don't see the issue. I certainly wouldn't be impressed if you told any of my children they could just catch the bus on their own to school the next day (disclaimer my oldest is only 4 but I can't see me being happy with that when he's 15).

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 22-Nov-12 08:22:59

It's not un inviting her! And even if your dd did invite her, then the invitation was for her to stay at yours. If she wants to decline that offer, she can decline the offer of the whole night.

SantasHugandRollintheSnow Thu 22-Nov-12 08:23:06

X post with many people!

Aboutlastnight Thu 22-Nov-12 08:23:18

Why on earth is your DD paying for them to go out?

Can't pal get a minicab home?

notnagging Thu 22-Nov-12 08:23:47

Why can't her parents pick her up? Personally I'd take her. Your dd organised this with school the next day & not very close. Why is her friend the brat?hmm

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 08:24:07

Goodness! She could be a young carer for a parent or sibling, have a medical problem herself that means overnights elsewhere are tricky, she may have had a bad experience on a sleepover in the past or any number of other things - I hope your DD doesn't pick up your intolerance and reject her too sad

well it will be 11 miles,

SantasHugandRollintheSnow Thu 22-Nov-12 08:24:59

Is the local friend sleeping at yours or are you taking her home?

EMS23 Thu 22-Nov-12 08:25:18

Maybe she wets the bed.
Maybe she's scared of the dark.
Maybe she has self image issues and doesn't want to undress for bed infront of her friends.
Maybe she's a spoilt brat.

I'd give her the lift home personally.

I also don't understand why your DD is paying for the night out?

dont know about the local friend, as the not local friend has rejected the sleep over. it wasnt in the equation.

I'd take her home purely because I'd prefer to do that than have a sleepover on a school night. Having said that it's your choice, how does your DD feel?

she is paying as a xmas present.

MrsCantSayAnything Thu 22-Nov-12 08:26:40

It is reasonable to suggest that the girl asks her parents to collect but if they can't, I think you will have to. She's got no way to get back otherwise and has already been asked.

gosh my dd would have her stay at the drop of the hat, but she never will. well we have given up asking now. oth my dd can go to hers on the bus with her bus pass and unlocal girl has no bus pass so has to pay to use the bus. so it is an expense.
i guess we will have to take her home.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 22-Nov-12 08:29:31

If she has no other way to get back, then she doesn't have to go on the night out. She wasn't included in the original plan anyway.

It's not OPs fault that the parents don't have a car/she wets the bed/whatever. She's 15, and if she's old enough for nights out on the town then she is old enough to get a taxi home. Her parents could book her one from a company they trust.

januaryjojo Thu 22-Nov-12 08:31:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie Thu 22-Nov-12 08:32:05

Blimey. I'd balk at a 100 mile one way trip but 5.5 miles in connection with a Xmas treat which your DD has organized? If nothing else, I'd be ashamed to say anything else than 'No problem!'

januaryjojo Thu 22-Nov-12 08:32:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuickLookBusy Thu 22-Nov-12 08:34:23

Do you know if the girl stays at other houses overnight?

If she does I would assume there's no medical or other serious problems and insist she either stays with you or doesn't come.

If she never stays anywhere overnight I would take her home.

notnagging Thu 22-Nov-12 08:34:38

If that was my daughter and someone had invited her out I would not be happy with them putting her in a cab late at night outraged. You obviously don't like her or her family very much op so why would she want to stay?

The bus journey shouldn't be a problem for a 15 year old but I still don't understand why you would rather have a sleepover on a school night than an extra 20 minutes in the car when you're out anyway. As a parent I would not allow my children to stay out all night when they have school the next day, is there something special (concert or something?) that they are going to, wouldn't it make more sense to do it on a weekend?

it is 5.5 twice btw, so 11

and yes it is a concert.

and i do like her mum - she is lovely and if she could i am sure she would do the same, so i guess i will ahve to grin and bear it.

cozietoesie Thu 22-Nov-12 08:42:01

I'd do it if I were you, slarty. It's part and parcel of making an evening 'special' for the girls.

HarderToKidnap Thu 22-Nov-12 08:42:41

So your plan has her taking her school uniform, school shoes, book bag, toiletry bag, PJs plus possibly whatever else she needs for school the next day to a concert? And doing what with it, dancing about with an enormous rucksack on her back? Doesn't sound fun to me and I wouldn't do it. I also wouldn't be happy with a 15 year old going home on her own in a minicab late at night.

I think you take her home or you disinvite.

werewolvesdidit Thu 22-Nov-12 08:43:00

Maybe she has a problem you don't know about - bedwetting/nocturnal epilepsy/night terrors/ a bad experience when staying at someone else's house. She might just want to keep quiet about it.

Can you tell that I hate sleepovers OP? grin

Lancelottie Thu 22-Nov-12 08:48:59

Yes, my first thought was bedwetting (surprisingly common even in late teens) and even if it only happened years ago it can put a child off risking it.

But we're rural anyhow, and it's par for the course to have DS2 call and say random friends have missed the one-bus-after-school and could I drive him/her/them home? (Favour more than returned last week when DH was ill, and my DCs needed to go to two different school events 25 miles apart!)

no my plan was for her to come here and dump her stuff and they all make their way there, and her stuff is here for when she comes home, but i will do as suggested, and make it special for the girls. smile and be nice

Very generous of your DD btw!

StillSquiffy Thu 22-Nov-12 08:52:28

As a child I was simply not allowed to sleepover. Ever. Even at 17 I was not allowed. Nor was I allowed to travel on trains (Uni interviews/open days had to be done via National Express). I was also not allowed to be out beyond 11pm, any day of the week. I used to live at the top of a hill 2 miles out of town, and so many times I would end up running up it in all my party gear and heels in order to get home on time. heels weren't too bad though, because Mum also had a 3 inch rule

And wild horses would have not got me to confess any of that to my friends. I would make up story after story after story to get away from admitting how strict my parents were.

I'd go with the flow as I'd be inclined to believe there was almost certainly underlying stuff here.

nokidshere Thu 22-Nov-12 08:52:37

I agree she might have issues that she doesn't want to share with her friends. Even now as an adult I haate staying at peoples houses because of problems I have - it would have been mortifying at 15.

catsrus Thu 22-Nov-12 08:55:53

One of my dcs friends used to get terrible panic attacks when staying at other peoples houses - her parents once had to get a cab to pick her up at 3am, and there were frequent long phone calls in the early hours when she sought reassurance from her mum. She did try hard to join in and get over it - and now has, but no way would she have stayed over on a school night or with people who didn't know about the problem. She only told some friends as she was so embarrassed about it - I have to say they really did all pull together to get her through it, but it took a few years and blighted parts of her teens. It also turned out to be hormone related - just before a period was worse and made worse by having once stained the sheets at someone else's house and being totally blush.

It's really not far to take your DDs friend home, I would certainly do it.

YABU - if she NEVER stays, then not staying this time isn't because she is being a spoilt brat/deliberately difficult. Clearly there are reasons you aren't party to, why she doesn't want to sleep over. This is her prerogative.

Your DD knew when she invited her that she wouldn't stay over - I think you just have to suck those 11 miles up if her parents don't have a car.

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 09:05:45

I guess it's all relative - my local supermarket and DDs school are both over 11 miles away and concerts take a minimum of 2 hours to get to so I'm envious that you have a venue so close that your DD can go to, even on a school night! wink

TheCrackFox Thu 22-Nov-12 09:09:43

Stillsquiffy - your mum sounds very similar to mine, terrifyingly strict. I have to say it was not a good preparation for adult life as the first time I ever slept without my mum in the next room was when I started university. Very weird. I too would rather have died than have told my friends any of this.

sue52 Thu 22-Nov-12 09:26:40

Stick to your guns. That's a lot of running around to do and it's a bit much to ask when you have already had your night out paid for by a friend.

Journey Thu 22-Nov-12 10:02:56

I'd probably take the girl home because I'd prefer it to a sleepover.

One thing I don't get is why you're responsible for getting the girl home. Surely her parents should be sorting this out. Just because they don't drive doesn't mean they don't have the responsibility of getting their dd home safely. You've suggested the sleepover and if they don't like that then they can arrange a taxi for their dd. It isn't your responsiblity to run around after her while her own parents do nothing.

Startail Thu 22-Nov-12 10:10:00

I spend my life driving round the countryside delivering DDs places, 11 miles is neither here nor there it's 20 everytime DD1 wants to see her best mate.

No way would I enquire too deeply into why a 15 doesn't want to stay, thats their buisness.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Thu 22-Nov-12 10:16:06

You sound absolutely mean - it's obvious there is a reason way beyond "spoilt brat" that's means she can't stay over - give her a break.

Lancelottie Thu 22-Nov-12 10:18:43

Oi, Izzy, be nice! OP is already picking up, her DD is paying for the treat, and she's aiming to make it special. NOT mean, just a bit miffed!

ClippedPhoenix Thu 22-Nov-12 10:29:17

I'd say the girl is uncomfortable staying at other peoples houses, which is more than fine. I'd also say that she might be a bit scared of going home on her own at night (I know I was at the age).

Just take the girl home for god sake.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Thu 22-Nov-12 10:32:07

Sorry I think someone who refers to a 15 year old as a "spoilt brat" because she can't/won't sleep out is too narrow minded to see there is probably a bigger picture.

The DD knew already the friend wouldn't sleep over when she issued the invitation and so did the OP.

My first thought is - poor girl I wonder what's up - not spoilt brat.

I and or DH pick and drop my teen (and friends) at all hours of the day and night and am prepared to expect a call whenever they do stay out - something to do with DC being a victim of abuse.

I have no doubt the OP has communicated her low opinion of this girl not sleeping over to her DD.

pigletmania Thu 22-Nov-12 10:37:09

YANBU at all, contact her arents to see f you can come to an arrangement. Like ters have saud there might be reasons why she des nt want to stay away from home. As a teen about 14 my IBS started t used to get worse when staying the night at others houses, I would be on the loo all night practically blush

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Thu 22-Nov-12 10:43:01

piglet and what if there is a reason? I wouldn't tell someone my DCs issues and OP knows already the girls parents don't drive.

If I was in this position, no doubt I'd bus it to venue and taxi home (if I didn't drive).

Kalisi Thu 22-Nov-12 11:15:30

They are hitting the town on a SCHOOL NIGHT?! shock faints dead away at the youth of today

A SCHOOL night, shock that is true, i just hope there are no exams the next day or soon after and also that the weather is ok for driving.

obviously if there are exams the next day it will ahve to be cancelled. blush i wonder if you can find out the date of proposed exams in jan.?

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Thu 22-Nov-12 11:19:48

Sorry if this has been said, but you're calling a 15 YO girl a spoiled brat for wanting to go home?? On a school night?? Yes, YABU either do it, it's your daughters idea, or don't.

SallyBeth Thu 22-Nov-12 11:27:04

Is there a reason why they can't do this on a weekend? Maybe the sleeping over wouldn't be such an issue if they weren't getting up for school, with the girl having the stress of doing an unfamiliar bus journey to get herself to school on time. Planning a night out for a weekday seems very strange!

it is a concert and they never rarely seem to be weekends. strangely. at least not locally.

socharlotte Thu 22-Nov-12 12:42:53

I would do it.For your daughters sake.she has done a nice generous thing and you should support her

Ullena Thu 22-Nov-12 12:51:06

Take the child home, for flip's sake!

SantasHugandRollintheSnow Thu 22-Nov-12 12:59:24

Hang on, this isn't happening until January? It's not like this is being sprung on you and I seriously don't understand your resistance.

I know damn well my mum would never have let me even go to a concert around gcse exam periods, let alone sleep over. Maybe the girls mum is of the same thought but has compromised with her daughter in that if she can get a lift there and straight back she can go.

perhaps we shoudl cancel the whole thing altogther? when are the exams?

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Thu 22-Nov-12 13:04:54

Cancel whole thing over giving someone a lift home? There won't be exams in January and if they are some the next day all revision should be done anyway.

BeatTheClock Thu 22-Nov-12 13:05:08

I would just do it. There's probably more to this but nontheless I'd just do the lift. Btw I think your dd sounds a lovely friend for treating her pals to a night outsmile

phew a quick google shows no exams, at least not on schools website,
no and that would be the reason for cancelling btw and yes by dd is lovely lovely.


InNeedOfBrandy Thu 22-Nov-12 13:07:13

Um isn't it Alevels in Jan and GCSEs in summer?

they seem to take some gcses in jan, well they did 2012. confused i think

notnagging Thu 22-Nov-12 14:57:42

Op in your post this morning you didn't say her parents couldn't drive or that this isn't happening until January. Yes there are mock exams after Christmas but you have plenty of time to organise yourselves.

erm i did say her parents couldnt drive. and i didnt think the date actually mattered. but the tickets need to be obtained now.

IloveJudgeJudy Thu 22-Nov-12 16:14:37

There are definitely some gcse exams in January. DD has 2 hour English exam on Thursday, 10 Jan at 8.45.

ClownBikeInAVelodrome Fri 23-Nov-12 00:20:57

I was at Brixton Academy the night before my last A level exam.

I hate sleeping over places too, even in my 30s. I much prefer my own bed.

11 miles isn't really very far.

JeezyOrangePips Fri 23-Nov-12 07:15:46

Gosh, I live rurally, and my kids friends are fairly spread out. It wouldn't even occur to me to refuse to give a lift home after an event like that. If the plan was to pick the girls up, I would see it as my role to ensure they got back to where they needed to go, safely - as long as it was within reason. 5.5 miles away and back is definitely within reason.

I'm a bit perplexed that your automatic thought is 'spoilt brat'. It's fairly clear that you don't like her (based on your repeated use of the word 'brat'), and it's possible that this is colouring your judgement over what is a fairly minor journey.

Why not try spinning this on its head. Instead of focussing on what you see as a negative, realise how kind and generous of spirit your daughter is.

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