AIBU to be upset at altercation in Morrisons yesterday and still dwelling?

(118 Posts)
louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 14:51:23

My first AIBU, eek!

I popped into Morrisons yesterday with DD(3mths). Gave her a big feed in the car, then in we went. She was tired, we had been around town and she had been watching what was going on. Often she will fall asleep in the supermarket. But on this occasion I was halfway round (during which time she had been smiling and gurgling at me) when she decided to scream, which she does sometimes do when overtired. It is a horrible noise. I gave up on doing much in the way of shopping and decided to get just three things, then I realised she wasn't going to settle despite much shushing and talking to her so I decided to grab the one essential (canned dog food - Ddog(12) was having an operation right then, and vet had told me to buy a particular food to give him that night after the op, and for next few days.)

So far so boring, sorry. As DD was screaming and I was whizzing around desperately looking for the dog food, several people made kind smiles or said "oh dear" "is she hungry" etc etc, one chap was with a guy in a wheelchair and made some joke to me that his mate did that too sometimes. I was feeling stressed and harassed and desperate to get back to car to comfort DD or drive home when I knew she would sleep.

The this one woman started asking if DD was ok and should she get some help. I said she is fine thanks just tired but she said DD didn't look fine, I said honestly she is overtired and we are heading home soon. Grabbed my dogfood, went through self-scan (no queue, hurrah) and was relieved to be able to go, when the woman was suddenly there again asking whether DD was ok, am I sure he is ok (thought she was a boy for some reason), he cannot be just tired, he sounds like she has something seriously wrong with him. I said she was fine just tired, she again suggested she get help for me and that DD must be very ill and he does not look well at all, and was being quite aggressive, lots of people were watching, she was shaking her head and she said she needed to do something and I asked what she had in mind, she told me she knows a lot about babies and that I must pick her up. In my flustered state I eventually muttered something about her calling the police or social services if she has concerns, DD is fine, and just hurried out, beetroot red and fighting back tears.

The woman was just so pushy and I felt so upset, it's not like me, I am 37 years old and I felt so small and defensive, I keep dwelling on what happened and how I should have handled it better. I guess I could have gone home and got dog food later but we live out in the country so that wouldn't have been easy.

DD calmed from screaming to a grizzle when I left the supermarket, and I tried to soothe her but felt I needed to get away from the woman in case she started following me so put DD in the car, started engine and left - DD quietened as soon as we started moving and was asleep by the time we left the carpark! (I have a mirror thingy so I can see her). She was her usual happy self later on, ate and slept well last night etc etc.

So AIBU unreasonable to be upset still? And I suppose I am also wondering, WIBU to stay in shop when DD got upset, and what should I have told the woman?

Thanks for reading!

FutTheShuckUp Wed 21-Nov-12 14:54:08

Please dont dwell on it for another second- them woman sounds like a bloody nutcase and needs to be kept indoors for the good of the public!

whoneedssleepanyway Wed 21-Nov-12 14:55:02

YANBU. I remember being at the airport when DD2 was 12 weeks old and she was screaming, I had a woman come up to me and say she would go and get the airport doctor etc.

When it comes to parenting everyone seems to think they know best....

YANBU - that is all you need when you have a screaming baby!!

What should you have told the woman??? My horrible side is saying you should have told her to fuck right off but my sensible side says that you should have just said, no she is fine there is nothing at all wrong with her, held your head up high and carried about your business.

Someone did something very similar to me when DS was tiny. He kicked his socks off and a complete stranger came up to me, felt his feet and told me his feet were too cold. I politely told her his feet were fine thank you very much, albeit through gritted teeth.

blueballoon79 Wed 21-Nov-12 14:56:45

There's nothing else you could have done! The woman was clearly not right in the head!

You did the right thing just by getting away from her.

When you have children you find out that everybody seems to think they know how to parent them better than you do.

It sounds a really scary situation though and I'd have left feeling shaken and upset too.

Convict224 Wed 21-Nov-12 14:56:59

No, yanbu to be still upset but try and let it go. Think about it, this stranger was really concerned for your baby. That, in itself, was not a bad thing. Maybe they were a bit (or a lot?) OTT but hey ho you will have a million incidents of interference whilst your dc grow. You sound like a super mum, your dd is lucky to have a mum who understands her so well.

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 14:57:03

The woman does not sound right. Mabey she had some sort of mental health problem

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 14:57:22


Peggotty Wed 21-Nov-12 14:58:29

It's probably upset you because the woman seemed to be calling into question your mothering skills despite the fact she knew neither you nor your dd. It is upsetting to have someone do that but don't spend another minute dwelling on it.

SantaisBarredfromhavingStella Wed 21-Nov-12 14:58:45

Don't dwell on this, there are lots of bonkers people out there-most of them in supermarkets for some odd reason wink
FWIW I would have lost patience with her & maybe told her to fuck off so you handled it better than I would have grin

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Wed 21-Nov-12 14:58:57

YANBU, she sounds awful.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 14:59:05

I know that you're all jesting about her being "a nutcase" but in all honesty, she probably DOES have MH problems. You should feel sorry for her.

CabbageLooking Wed 21-Nov-12 14:59:21

Jesus you poor thing. YANBU. Hope you're ok; I had a similar meltdown from my DS a few days back (although I was fortunate to only have helpful people around) and it is incredibly stressful without some ridiculous woman trying to impose her "help" on you. Try not to dwell on it though; as said previously, she was clearly a nutcase. wine Have that on me. smile

MrsBungleBear Wed 21-Nov-12 15:00:24

Try not to dwell on it. My 6mo loves a scream in a supermarket! I am sure he does it on purpose. As you say, most people smile and give you a sympathetic look!

This woman sounds like a loon. Try to forget about it but I can understand why it upset you.

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 15:01:18

That's what I thought bupcake. I have worked in MH ad have come access eople like that woman same mannerisms etc who either have MH issues learning difficulties

FutTheShuckUp Wed 21-Nov-12 15:02:05

Feel sorry for her why Bupcakes?
I feel more sorry for the OP who has been made to feel shitty when just out minding her own business

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 15:02:06

Thanks for the replies, I think I need to forget it and move on. Have definitely had comments in past but this did seem different, maybe she was a nutter! Odd she said she knew a lot about babies, I don't know what she was getting at really. It was all so embarrassing! And yes I was tempted to tell her to fuck off but I think I am crap at confrontation!

Glad others have experienced similar, it's awful isn't it!

imnotmymum Wed 21-Nov-12 15:02:28

Bless you that is so awful winebiscuitbrewthanks (delete as appropiate)

BoiledEggandToastSoldiers Wed 21-Nov-12 15:02:59

Think lots of people have had contact with nutty women like this.

When DD2 was about a year, she enjoyed shaking her head, just for fun, and would laugh like crazy.

Woman behind me in the queue said I should restrain her head, and "she should know as she has done a first aid course!" shock

To which my husband replied "we will not be restraining her head, as I should know, I'm a doctor, and my wife is a nurse". smile

mycatlikestwiglets Wed 21-Nov-12 15:03:54

You poor thing OP, what a horrible situation to have been placed in. I think you did the right thing and it's always easy to think of things you should have said after the event. You could have said something like "I think I know my own baby better than a random stranger, thank you. She always looks like that and is simply over-tired, now go away --and mind your own business you interfering cah--"

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 15:04:37

I would have don t same op, and would have told her tat you were paedritrician and that your baby is fine thank you very much

mycatlikestwiglets Wed 21-Nov-12 15:04:54

Oops strikethrough fail blush

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 15:06:19

Because the OP can go home and forget all about this. The woman with the MH problems will have her own battles to face every day.

But yeah, save all of your sympathy for OP. You can feel sympathy for BOTH you know? Sympathy/empathy isn't a finite resource.

SoleSource Wed 21-Nov-12 15:07:45

Cheeky cow! You know your own child. You did nothing wrong. You handled it marvellously.

You are in control, NOT HER.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 21-Nov-12 15:08:22

YANBU to be annoyed but don't dwell on it...the woman sounds more than a little odd!

Babies cry. Sometime they cry a lot. Clearly she doesn't know eff all about babies if she doesn't know that basic fact.

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 15:08:37

I just keep overthinking what I should have said instead, it's driving me mad! And keep wondering what she would have done if I had said yes please to getting help. But really not worth engaging with these people I guess. I just keep hearing her say that there is something seriously wrong with DD and it makes me feel panicky even though she is fine, very irrational reaction I am having.

The lovely cigarette kiosk lady chased after me and asked if I was ok and said I should ignore "the nosy old bag", bless her!

I already give a sympathetic smile when I see crying babies when out and about but will make doubly sure to do so in future.

Am trying to remember that most interactions I have had have been really positive, seem to get lots of attention when out with DD, people coming up and holding her hand and making her smile at them, asking how old she is, etc etc (it's worse [or better, depending on your viewpoint!] than having a puppy!).

Lol at the woman lecturing about head shaking and first aid.

SoleSource Wed 21-Nov-12 15:08:39

She may have been concerned or lonely and wanted to make a fuss.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 15:10:47

"The lovely cigarette kiosk lady chased after me and asked if I was ok and said I should ignore "the nosy old bag", bless her!"


Dead69Girl Wed 21-Nov-12 15:11:08

dont worry, and sod them.

my DS is a screamer, will just look at someone and scream, no reason he just does it, i have had so many people stick there nose in, say nasty comments ect and i leave places feeling like you do, for my ds its just a phase (i hope) but these people will always be cocks,

big hugs op have some thanks

I also think there may be MH issues at play here. YANBU to be upset of course, that was an unpleasant thing to happen but try to take a deep breath and remember you knew exactly what your DD needed and sorted her out.

Hope your dog gets well soon too.

MyLastDuchess Wed 21-Nov-12 15:12:27

My son (now 2) was also one of those babies that would get overtired and scream and scream and scream. It was awful, the Dutch equivalent of the HV here referred us to a paediatrician - several times - because they were so convinced there was something wrong with him. There wasn't. Thank heavens for the lactation consultant I saw who said he was absolutely fine and just an exceptional baby grin

It is really, really hard when you know your own kid and other people are getting concerned because your baby behaves differently to many if not most other babies. Not to mention being in a public place with lots of people watching you. Do try your best to forget about it, but I don't blame you for still feeling uncomfortable and unsettled. After all, you were confronted in public and your parenting skills called into question. That's pretty harsh.

lubeybooby Wed 21-Nov-12 15:13:34

NO one knows this woman has MH problems. She could just be an interfering cowbag. ffs. There's plenty of them in perfect mental health.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Wed 21-Nov-12 15:13:57

was the woman just wanting you to pick up screaming baby? that would be a sensible thing to do anyway surely?

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 15:14:41

I do feel sorry for the lady if she does have MH problems but it's still not very nice being in such a situation, I would worry that she could be going around upsetting loads of different people each day. TBH she was probably just a meddler, and DD was making a horrendous noise, it is good she was concerned but still her attitude seemed a bit aggressive and confrontational.

Not particularly thrilled at the kiosk lady calling the woman a name but it was kind of her to stop and say something nice to me as I was a bit of a mess at that point.

skislope Wed 21-Nov-12 15:15:00

Seriously, I have stopped shopping at Morrissons. Too many incidents with crazy people there to mention including confrontations for no reason! Last one shook me up for days too. So I would start shopping somewhere else!

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 21-Nov-12 15:15:13

Why is it being assumed the woman has MH issues? There are plenty of interfering,rude people about who don't have MH issues.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 15:16:57

There's a difference between plain old interfering ("Your baby needs socks on!"/"Your baby is hungry!") and following someone and suggesting that there is something seriously wrong with a stranger's baby.

FFS what has actually happened here? Some unwelcome advice was given, OP went home, baby was fine. Where's the fire?

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 15:19:37

Rudolphstolemecarrots, mostly the woman wanted to "get help" but didn't specify what, then yes in the end she suggested I pick her up which does make sense except that picking her up doesn't necessarily soothe her immediately, and be hard to carry her and wheel pram thingy, and by that point I had paid for my 6-pack of dog food and just wanted to get out of there.

Also DD was strapped into the carseat which was clicked onto the pram wheels, I thought it would be better not to get her out and then have to strap her back in almost straight away, which would probably make her cry again, when I knew she was bound to fall asleep once we were in the car driving.

I think it might be the lighting or noise of the supermarket which can distress her when tired because she stopped screaming as soon as we left (although was still screaming).

Gettheetoanunnery Wed 21-Nov-12 15:20:35

You don't even know if she does have MH issues though bupcakes confused
How could you tell from that one little snippet of her life that the OP gave?

ThalianotFailure Wed 21-Nov-12 15:21:22

I'm a bit confused - on the face of it she does sound a bit OTT and nuts - but equally, if your baby was screaming, why didn't you pick her up for a cuddle? Especially once you'd decided only to get one thing? Not excusing her behaviour, which was odd to say the least.

But I wouldn't worry about it, as you said, in minutes your dd was fine and asleep, which is all that matters.

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 15:21:59

skislope I don't usually shop at Morrisons! Usually Waitrose cos I like the self scanners, but quite liked Morrisons yesterday (DD was looking at the bright marketplace veg display etc as we went in) but now I am put off going back in case my "friend" is there!

ThalianotFailure Wed 21-Nov-12 15:22:10

sorry, xpost, ignore me

DappyHays Wed 21-Nov-12 15:22:50

Your DD is fine so stop dwelling. The woman was just concerned. If there had been something seriously wrong, you may have been glad of her concern.

My DD2 screamed all the way round a Co-op when she was a few months old. Proper toe-curling screams. The queue was huge and I had DD1 with me as well. I ended up picking her up and placing the shopping basket on the pram. She still screamed blue murder and the queue took forever. I just switched off as much as I could and chatted to my then 4 year old. As we were leaving after we'd been served an old lady approached me. I was getting ready with my sarky comebacks to any helpful advice when she said "I'm really impressed with the way you've handled your baby, well done!". I couldn't believe it.

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 15:23:17

Misswinklyparadiso DDog is ok thanks and eating the food after all that, thank goodness!

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 15:23:19

I said she probably does and I stick by that.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 15:24:39

And I don't think that calling someone with probably MH issues an old bag/nutjob/mental is on, btw.

OP and her snowflake got away unscathed. There's no need.

JenaiMathis Wed 21-Nov-12 15:26:57

Maybe the woman was perfectly sane, but the baby's cry reminded her of something she'd witnessed/been involved with in the past.

I remember the cry of a very poorly baby from years ago - if I heard similar I wouldn't be able to let it lie I think, and I too would be an interfering old bag.

Anyway, it's all over now. Don't think any more of it.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 21-Nov-12 15:28:06

Was that directed at me Bupcakes? I didn't call her any of those things,I said she was more than a little odd. Which isn't unfair going on what OP said.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 15:31:09

"Maybe the woman was perfectly sane, but the baby's cry reminded her of something she'd witnessed/been involved with in the past."

I was about to say that, too.

No it wasn't aimed at you, Alis. It was aimed at the nice people who called her those things.

CailinDana Wed 21-Nov-12 15:32:02

In situations like this I just ignore. If I don't want to engage with someone I just don't. It's hard to get right but it's amazing how effective just not making eye contact is. It's very helpful when you have a screaming child because even though there are plenty of well-wishers there are also a good few catbumfaced cunts who want to judge you. Best if the baby's crying to just switch off to other people and focus on keeping calm and getting the job done. You can't help that they're crying so you don't need to apologise or explain yourself. Just motor on and ignore ignore ignore. People are far to apologetic and worried about crying babies - they're just a fact of life and if someone wants to be weird about it then that's their problem. If they don't want to encounter humans big and small they should just stay at home.

CailinDana Wed 21-Nov-12 15:32:53

too apologetic

MikeOxard Wed 21-Nov-12 15:36:50

Oh dear, you poor sod! I get this every time we go to the supermarket (not the nasty woman yet, thankfully). Ds is 4 months and hates the supermarket, he's a very sleepy baby and the lights, noise, uncomfortableness of the trolley just get him all overstimuated and overtired. It takes me 2 hours to shop because I try to pick him up and calm him every 5 minutes. He's quite often asleep exhausted by the time we pay though! One day was eally bad and it felt like most people in the shop had a comment to make. Most were friendly, just either asking or telling me that he was hungry (nope) or tired (no shit)! One woman came over and said 'Call me interfering...' (I didn't) 'but that baby has tummy ache, see how his legs are going?'. I didn't say a word, I just nodded and smiled. Why do people think they know better than the mum?!

I bet everyone who was staring was thinking 'That poor woman (you), shall I say something to the annoying one'. That's what I'd be thinking, shall I jump in and tell her to bugger off, or can the mum hold her own. Try to let it go, everyone would be on your side, the woman was clearly an idiot. x

CailinDana Wed 21-Nov-12 15:40:19

What an ordeal Mike, could you not do online shopping? Two hours of that hell sounds like torture!

LadyBeagle Wed 21-Nov-12 15:42:03

I agree with Bupcakes here.
The woman's behaviour wasn't normal,I know having a baby screaming in a public place is stressful, but to still be upset about it today?
Forget it Op.

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 15:42:20

Forgot to say - I ordered 48 cans more dog food from Amazon last night in a panic after the incident! Online shopping rocks! How did our parents cope without it when we were little?!

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 15:43:24

Thanks everyone i feel like i have got it out of my system now and shall stop dwelling! Main thing is DD is ok.

Jusfloatingby Wed 21-Nov-12 15:44:25

The first thing I thought when reading the post was 'mentally ill'. Seriously, it does sound a bit beyond some nosy woman saying 'oh, I think your baby needs a feed' or 'maybe you should take her home, she sounds tired' or whatever. I would have found this woman's behaviour alarming and strange not just a bit OTT and interfering.

corlan Wed 21-Nov-12 15:45:07

Hopefully, you will look back and laugh about this in few months (or maybe years!)

Years ago, I had a man shout at me 'DO SOMETHING! SHE'S CHOKING TO DEATH!!!' when my daughter had a screaming tantrum in the park.

RichardSimmonsTankTop Wed 21-Nov-12 15:47:02

MikeOxard - I LOVE your name.

OP the woman sounds bonkers. If she knows anything about babies she should've known that they scream from time to time.

MrsDeVere Wed 21-Nov-12 15:49:03

There was a thread on here a little while ago about a crying baby in a supermarket.
I was astounded at how many posters insisted the op was right to be so disturbed and that it was a child protection issue.

It got quite heated.

Forget about it op. you know your baby was fine. The woman was being very OTT.

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems Wed 21-Nov-12 15:52:20

This is an interesting thread as its the first time anyone has not kissed the ass of Bupcakes and has disagreed with what she says.

MikeOxard Wed 21-Nov-12 15:53:18

Thanks Tanktop.

Cailin - I think online shopping would take longer. Plus it gets us out the house I have a 3yo dd fed up of being stuck in. She loves getting treats for being a good girl the supermarket.

Runoutofideas Wed 21-Nov-12 15:54:22

The woman was unreasonable however sometimes people's previous experiences affect how they see a certain situation. My DH's grandmother lost a baby at 11 months through some sort of illness. This meant that she became really genuinely concerned whenever she saw a distressed baby. She was hugely paranoid when my dd was a similar age and I can imagine her behaving as this woman did out of genuine care.

CailinDana Wed 21-Nov-12 15:56:54

Unnecessary Bite.

Took me ages to get your name Mike (I guessed it was something rude, but am slow on the uptake) - very funny!

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 16:00:14

Argh I can't believe I missed the name MikeOxard, I did think it was unusual but didn't "get" it until you said! Brilliant!

I am glad I didn't tell woman to fuck off just in case she was concerned due to some past tragedy. Still don't like how pushy she was and what she was implying.

I remember the old thread and remember it sounding odd. I wonder if my woman from yesterday is actually contacting SS etc and worried for DD's wellbeing. Silly cos she is fine!

LadyBeagle Wed 21-Nov-12 16:01:10

Um, waves at BitetheTops grin
I kissed the ass agreed with Bupcakes actually.

I think YABU. Your 3 month old baby was screaming, for an extended period, and this woman thought your child needed picking up. So your daughter was screaming for an extended period and you didn't pick her up? I think you were in the wrong and this woman was right to show concern, even if she did it in a bad/clumsy way.

MikeOxard Wed 21-Nov-12 16:08:46

Worldgonecrazy I disagree. If I could go against my instinct and leave ds to cry in his trolley seat, he would cry for longer at a time, but would probably fall asleep sooner than he can when I pick him up every 5 minutes. But I can't stand to, even though arguably, that might be the better thing to do. I don't think there's a black and white right or wrong thing to do in this situation really, you just do your best as a parent, and the OP did fine imo.

Icegems I didn't realise that was the convention around here. <Puckers up for Bupcakes' arse>

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems Wed 21-Nov-12 16:16:44

I guess a lot of people feel love for Bupcakes and her ass smile

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 16:23:01

World are you that woman! I am sure any normal parent will sympathise. The op needed to do shopping, she was whiz zing ound the supermarket what the hell could she do, she knew the baby was tired and needed sleep hence her hurry to get round tree and get home. Th woman's behaviour was cause for concern, she was practically harassing the op, it was nt just one or two comments, she kept on and on, not right

MrsDeVere Wed 21-Nov-12 16:25:20

Blimey Bite.
It's entirely possible to read a thread, respond and take no notice of who the other posters are.
Bit mean to pick on one poster like that.

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems Wed 21-Nov-12 16:30:56

Not picking on her. She's funny, hilarious in fact. Just people don't usually disagree with her.
As for the OP people are often like that with babies and children, they have opinions on everything, try to ignore anything that's not helpful to you.
Until they are teenagers then you would take advice from anyone as they are hard to figure out

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 16:41:49

I couldn't give a shit if no-one agrees with me or not. And you obviously don't know me THAT well if you think that this is the first thread that no-one agrees with me on. wink

I stand by my opinion that it sounds like this woman has MH issues. I understand that there is a huge swathe of posters who simply enjoy thinking that the world is full of old bags/people out to get them but if you stop and think of the alternative explanation...

CheungFun Wed 21-Nov-12 16:43:57

Ugh! I'm not sure I would have managed to deal with the interfering lady any better than you louisdog! Sounds like a horrible experience!

Hope you remember what the lady looks like so if you ever bump into her in the future you can hide grin

Definitely ignore anyway, I'm sure you know your dd better than a total stranger who "knows a lot about babies" yet can't tell the sex lol!

Doowrah Wed 21-Nov-12 16:52:07

I think you were very polite, she would have got short shrift from me. I had a horrid incident in our Morrisons the other day, I am starting to hate the place. I'd gone in with my son to get one or two items and was walking through at a steady pace when an older man with a stick rammed his trolley into my back and then at full volume accused me of bashing into him. I just stood looking at him flabbergasted while he lambasted me to all and sundry. I was just so gobsmacked and my little grey cells weren't up to speed. He then told me to'go away' and said I don't know what it is like to be disabled. All I could do was tell him that actually I cared for my disabled father and he didn't have anything like the horrid personality of him. I was so upset I left the shop straight away.

SaraBellumHertz Wed 21-Nov-12 16:52:11

Reading through your epic post I was all ready to say YANBU...until I got to the point where you say your DD was in her buggy. And then add she's actually strapped into her car seat.

I don't understand why you didn't pick her up? The fact shed have cried later when you strapped her back in is weird confused

I think if I had watched someone who appeared to be doing nothing push a screaming baby round a supermarket I might ask them if they wanted me to get them some help.

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 16:56:02

I don't think DD would stop screaming if I picked her up, so I was trying to get the dog food and get out of there. I accept that I may have made the wrong decision but not sure why woman stopped me as I was leaving to tell me DD must be seriously ill.

MissCellania Wed 21-Nov-12 16:58:02

She was probably a Mumsnetter, one of the zealous sub-set that will recommend calling social services if you see a child whose socks don't match.

There was a thread last week with the OP talking about a baby crying in the supermarket and how there had to be something really wrong with it, and loads of people saying that she was right to be concerned and should do some undefined something.

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 16:58:32

(And yes it was quite epic sorry! :p)

YouBrokeMySmoulder Wed 21-Nov-12 17:10:04

Maybe the woman was trying to say that your babies screaming is bloody annoying. It grates on me too when a baby is screaming for seemingly ages and the parent doesnt do anything. I wouldnt do or say anything but i would think that you needed to pick it up or feed it or something instead of shopping. Ie goto the cafe, calm baby down then continue with shopping.

After all on here if you leave your baby to cry for even a minute youre an unthinking harridan.

Just forget it. Theres no need to dwell on it.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 17:13:10

My grandad had dementia and on one of his worse days, this is exactly the type of thing he would have done. Makes me sad to think of a load of cows women on the internet calling him a nutter/nutjob/mental sad

louisdog Wed 21-Nov-12 17:29:30

But you don't mind the thought of him harassing/upsetting people?

Sorry about your Grandad though.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 21-Nov-12 17:31:45

I'm sorry about your grandad Bupcakes sad

I do think that a lot of the time (not always) people can tell the difference between someone being intrusive and rude and someone who is unwell.

When I did a customer service job there was an elderly(ish) gentleman who came in every couple of days. He could be quite aggressive sometimes. There was obviously something not right as opposed to him just being a tosser. It turned out he was recovering from a stroke,his wife made him a laminated piece of card explaining for when he just couldn't get the words out. But he didn't like to show it unless he absolutely had to.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 17:31:48

"But you don't mind the thought of him harassing/upsetting people?"

Actually, no. That's the worst he would have done, is give some unwanted "advice". I can't spend my days worrying about every delicate flower in the world.

Plus, he is dead now so I don't have the luxury of worrying about it.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 17:32:48

Aggression is a classic sign that someone has alzheimers/dementia.

PickledFanjoCat Wed 21-Nov-12 17:38:33

Maybe they don't disagree with her in case she kicks them in the Clunge.

Whatever the reason op this type of stuff does happen and you just have to shrug it off. There was a thread yesterday about that lady with the pram outside.

I know what you mean though I was 36 with my first baby and when I got this type of thing the first few times I felt like a wibbling little teenager.

HoleyGhost Wed 21-Nov-12 17:43:56

Aggressive people target those who look vulnerable.

Mothers with small babies always look vulnerable, but there are plenty of people who are soft targets for their whole lives

JenaiMathis Wed 21-Nov-12 17:45:29

Pram outside? What was that about?

PickledFanjoCat Wed 21-Nov-12 17:53:28

Lady got a row off a stranger for sitting kids outside wrapped up in pram.

It was on the other day..

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 17:55:11

People leave their kids outside in prams do they?

Do they live in The Darling Buds of May?

JenaiMathis Wed 21-Nov-12 18:04:01

It's not that long ago that people used to do that all the time. I think there were a few high-profile baby snatching cases about 20 years ago (if that) which put people off.

These days though I imagine people would leave the baby in the gutter and make off with the pram.

Goldenbear Wed 21-Nov-12 18:06:58

YANBU but MrsDeVere, I was on the the other thread and this is not the same at all, for a start the OP's baby is 3 months, the baby in the other thread was 1 week old, was inappropriately dressed, I.e cold and the mum would not pick her up from one of those very uncomfortable supermarket car seats when she was screaming, despite having the help of her mum, the gran with her.

The trouble is not every screaming, crying baby not being responded to in public is crying out of tiredness, it is very niave to think otherwise. I was in a supermarket the other day and a mum was pushing around a screaming baby that was about 7 months old, she also had a 7/8 year old girl with her. The baby was chewing it's hand off in pain, dribbling, red faced. I felt for the mum at first as I have obviously experienced the same with my 2 in the past (dd, 19 months and DS 5) so I could relate but what I didn't understand was why she was ambling around, talking to her daughter about the Christmas display. There was no sense of urgency atall. It seemed really cold and mean to the baby to totally ignore her, take her time. Of course it's not a CP case but I don't get it, I think that kind of behaviour is worrying. My DS was very high needs but when he got like that I would rush to finish or leave. I couldn't leave him to deal with it.

SamSmalaidh Wed 21-Nov-12 18:15:00

I haven't read all the replies, and although maybe this women didn't go about it the right way, maybe she was just concerned?

I find it really hard to listen to crying babies, and internally often shout just pick it up! Maybe get a ring sling or something so next time this happens you can hold the baby if she needs it while also doing your shopping?

MrsDeVere Wed 21-Nov-12 18:23:40

Goldenbear the thread was very similar.
It was just from the perspective of the other party.
The mother in that thread could have written this one and the op from that thread could have been writing about this op.

And in the other thread the op thought the baby was innapropriately dressed ie In a teeshirt and dungarees. She was being highly subjective. We have no clue of the baby was cold.
And the grandmother picked the baby up.

And a 3 mth old is just as vulnerable as a week old in this situation.

I think the major difference here is that we can all tell that the op is articulate and intelligent. The impression given in the other thread was that the mother was a bit common.

Goldenbear Wed 21-Nov-12 18:50:58

Personally, I wouldn't deduce someone was common, even care from not picking up a baby.

The other thread described a woman who seemed to not be reacting in ANY way to her baby, this is not the case with the OP. it was questionable in the other thread why a mother out with the grandmother did not react in any way to a very upset 1 week old baby. Why did it take the Grandmother to pick up the baby. Most supermarkets are refrigerated or at least have cold aisles, a week old baby in a tshirt in late October in a trolley car seat with no soft blanket underneath to lessen the hardness- that is not a good scenario.

The age is very relevant - by 3 months you're more likely to know what upsets your baby, their tired times etc. by 1 week I doubt it. They are very very different threads.

MrsDeVere Wed 21-Nov-12 18:57:15

I disagree
'the other thread described a woman who seemed not to be reacting..'

So if the nosy woman from this op wrote a thread how do you think she would describe ths mum?

I would take a wild guess at 'In a way that justified her interference and OTT reaction'

The same way that the other one was written.

And you are being disingenuous. The inference had nothing to do with the non picking up of the baby.

ImperialBlether Wed 21-Nov-12 19:08:38

The first time I took my daughter out after she was born I fed her as soon as I got to the town centre. I put her in the pram after winding etc and after a few minutes she started to yell. A woman stopped me and told me to feed my child. I said I had and she said I clearly couldn't look after her properly; it was obvious she was hungry (a kind of "I've had six kids so I know what I'm talking about" tirade) and that basically I was doing it all wrong.

I got PND and I really don't think that woman helped. People need to be supportive, not judgemental if a baby's crying.

Goldenbear Wed 21-Nov-12 19:24:26

I don't understand your last sentence MrsDeVere? The other thread was about the baby not being picked up? It didn't just seem the case in the other thread it was the case- she didn't pick her 1 week old baby up. She didn't react, her mum did.

Surely it is common sense, not ALL mums/Dads ignoring their babies cries and screams are struggling but ultimately caring individuals. There are people that do this and more and can/are abusive, neglectful.

MrsDeVere Wed 21-Nov-12 19:28:52

Yes that is true Golden. What is also true is that it is impossible to know which is which from a third hand account on the internet based on someone seeing a stranger for five minutes.

Some of the reactions on that thread were verging on the hysterical and there was a lot less info than we have in this OP.

People were suggesting the OP call social services. The OP was haunted by what she thought she had witnessed.

It was ridiculous.

LadyBeagle Wed 21-Nov-12 19:36:49

I'm sorry I always seem unsympathetic to these 'nasty old women in supermarket' threads, but I can honestly say, that when ds was a baby, and this was 17 years ago before I even knew Mum advice sites existed, I never experienced anything like so many other mothers on here seemed to have, and if it did happen it must have gone completely over my head.
I had a baby, he screamed at inappropriate times, that's what babies do.
I'm 56 and hear and see crying babies and tantrumming toddlers sometimes.
Who are all those crazy loons out there, because according to MN they're all over the place, tutting and grumping.
It must be a 21st century phenonomen (sp).

Goldenbear Wed 21-Nov-12 19:39:51

I have been troubled by 3 incidences I have seen in supermarkets over 5/6 years - I confronted one of them, it was a clear cut case. I witnessed it, he was an abusive 'A' hole there was NO doubt about it. I'm not the wimpy type to ignore a bully if it's a clear cut case of abuse.

butterflyexperience Wed 21-Nov-12 19:43:05

My dd2 2.5 had a massive tantrum today in shop, a senile dear old lady told me she was naughty then went into my dd and told her she was naughty and told her to shut up...
Some people are just loons when it comes to babies/kids

GhostShip Wed 21-Nov-12 19:43:22

FFS I think we best not comment on anyone anymore, just in case they have mental health issues...

Goldenbear Wed 21-Nov-12 19:46:26

TBF MrsDeVere you did not physically witness the incident on the other thread, you cannot really tell someone that they are categorically over reacting in their response if you were not present.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 19:49:43

No, no comment away. At least we know who the hard of thinking are if you do.

Fakebook Wed 21-Nov-12 19:53:34

Yanbu, ive lost count of the amount of times DS cries in supermarkets. It's embarrassing and even when I'm not stressed out I begin feeling it just by him crying. The woman sounds a bit crazy.

Must say though, if she started crying that badly, you should have picked her up and hugged her to calm her down, but I know some people don't agree with soothing a baby like that. Glad she was ok in the end.

GhostShip Wed 21-Nov-12 19:56:19

bupcakes the next time you have an issue with the member of the public, I'll remind you not to comment then eh?

We can't go through life assuming every single person has something wrong with them, especially on threads.

She could have had mental health issues. But she probably was just a bloody nuisance, the OP is entitled to have a whinge.

Figgygal Wed 21-Nov-12 19:58:04


My DS screamed literally everytimr he was in his pushchair until he was 8 months and I mean SCREAM he wasn't hungry, windy, cold or anything else he just hated it, sometimes I could sling him but he's a heavy bugger and sometimes pushchair was only choice I'm quite surprised I wasn't marched into ss on a no. of occasions since all people see is a snapshot knowing you r doing your best and that you love ur baby is more important than the view of others.

I used to take dh with me shopping in case DS wigged out then 1 could push finish shopping and 1 carry him but even then I remember a time where he still cried, couldn't have done anymore

willowberry Wed 21-Nov-12 19:59:50

YANBU at all- what a nutter! You know best what your daughter's cry means!
You sound like a lovely caring person and your daughter is lucky to have you as her Mummy.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 20:03:26

No, you don't have to assume that EVERYONE has MH issues. You can assume it when someone is displaying behaviours that are associated with having MH issues, though. Instead of just assuming that they are a cunt simply out to make YOUR life hell.

LadyBeagle Wed 21-Nov-12 20:05:11

From reading the Op, GhostShip, the woman in question acted abnormally.
So to say she had MH issues would have been my guess.
It may not have made it ok for the Op, anyone anywhere, whatever age would be put out by this sort of behaviour, but she didn't physically or even verbally harm the baby.
And if you've never walked through a city or town and not seen someone that you know in yourself has MH issues, whether a bit eccentric, or with obvious LD then you're walking around with a blindfold on.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 21-Nov-12 20:07:03

And for the record, I wasn't having a pop at the OP for whining, I was having a pop at the people going "Eugh nutter/fruitcake/loon/not right in the head"

CaptainVonTrapp Wed 21-Nov-12 20:42:49

OP you can't possibly pick your baby up and go home immediately she starts crying. You wont be able to go to the supermarket for about another 9 months... Although I don't blame you for cutting the trip a bit short.

I bet there were loads of members of staff in there watching thinking "oh theres the slightly odd lady who's always harassing parents with babies when they've already got their hands full, poor Mum..."

Try to forget it.

bumperella Wed 21-Nov-12 21:32:33

Am glad I'm not the only one who gets "supermarket advice".

Although Homebase manager opened up a new checkout just for me when DD had similar crying jag at about 3 mnths, as she was "clearly very distressed and needed treatment" (she was tired, I live 20 miles from nearest DIY shop and wasn't going to go home and return a couple hours later).
Forget about it, you're obviously doing something right to get to 3 mnths without encountering far more pushy advice than that...!

lisbethsopposite Wed 21-Nov-12 22:56:45

If she met me today wheeling my 2mo old and dragging my screaming 2yr old hmm
Think I would have said f* off for sure

blackeyedsusan Wed 21-Nov-12 23:06:40

ah well... you get a had skin after a bit... unfortunately not hard enough to stop you swearing when unexpectedly bitten on the bum though blush after carrying out a kicking screaming spitting child in full melt down, underr one arrm hile blithely pushing the trolley with the other, hand pretending all is normal and you are absolutly nothing to do with this noisy creature under your arm, on more than one occasion you get tough as a rhino hide. believe me a crying baby is nothing much to get embarressed about, even if you had the misfortune to meet someone who is a little on the overfamiliar side.

blackeyedsusan Wed 21-Nov-12 23:07:47

hard skin/thick skin...

oh i give in, sodding keyboard!

JenaiMathis Wed 21-Nov-12 23:26:33

LadyB I often think the same. I had a few "he's got tummyache" comments here anf there, but nobody ever interfered - they were just suggesting causes for ds's wailing.

A bit like what people actively seek out these days on the internet confused

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