To tell this woman to f off and buy her own dress?

(432 Posts)
charlmarascoxo Tue 20-Nov-12 21:29:39

I've worked with the same women "Wendy" for around 3 years now, and I am the same age as her daughter "Amelia".

Today Wendy asks me as if it would be possible for me to bring in my wedding dress to work for Amelia to borrow for her wedding. She explained that they were both struggling financially and that Wendy herself was in debt.

My DH has a good job and earns well and we were able to afford to have a lovely wedding and I was able to afford the dress that I wanted. Neither Wendy or Amelia were invited to the wedding, however I have been told by Wendy that they were both looking at the wedding photos on Facebook and how Amelia would love to have the same dress.

I am being a bitch if I refuse? My dress is so special to me and I don't want just anyone wearing it.

ClownBikeInAVelodrome Tue 20-Nov-12 21:31:20

You are SO not being unreasonable!!!

Panzee Tue 20-Nov-12 21:31:42

Tell her it's ripped?

AmandaLF Tue 20-Nov-12 21:32:01

I wouldn't say that you're being a bitch. Just say no. Failing that, tell her that you've already promised to sell it to someone do its no longer yours.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Tue 20-Nov-12 21:32:12

Yanbu

How very odd for someone you don't know 'well' to ask this.

Don't think I'd lend my dress out tbh even to someone I know. I'd rather help them rent one or something

<not that I think I'll ever fit in it again>

shock You just don't ask to borrow a wedding dress. Surely that's not normal behaviour from a colleague? Yanbu

Worth thinking through if you would be upset if she ruined it - there's your answer! V cheeky request, but if you don't ask....

lisad123 Tue 20-Nov-12 21:33:08

Tell her no, say you are saving it for DDs, neieces, cousins anyone.
You can get a good second hand dress fairly cheap.
Why your there tell her she's a cheeky cow!

SantaisBarredfromhavingStella Tue 20-Nov-12 21:33:12

No YANBU, is a bit rubbish of her to put you in this position tbh.

frootshoots Tue 20-Nov-12 21:33:12

No shock the bloody cheek of it! I would never dream, financial issues or not, of asking to wear someone else's dress! Maybe she should postpone the wedding as they don't sound in the best of situations to be getting married.

TraineeBabyCatcher Tue 20-Nov-12 21:33:16

Not at all. I can't believe she's even asked! Unfortunately tight budgets mean less choice- ie eBay/charity shop etc, not mothers colleagues dress that you quite fancy, would be free, probably cost her a lot, means a lot to her.

FourEyesGood Tue 20-Nov-12 21:33:39

YANBU. Can't believe no-one has brought out the old "No is a complete sentence" chestnut yet!

LemonBreeland Tue 20-Nov-12 21:34:13

Absolutely not. You don't 'ask' for someones wedding dress! shock

Sometimes someone in a family or friend situation may offer a dress, but you never ask. Unbelievably rude.

Flisspaps Tue 20-Nov-12 21:34:51

I would probably give her the dress.

If I hadn't already given it to the charity shop.

But if you don't want to, for whatever reason, then that's entirely right and fine for you to tell her to fuck off.

PurpleGentian Tue 20-Nov-12 21:34:57

YANBU.

I'd consider it odd for anyone, no matter how close, to ask if they could borrow my wedding dress.

MammaTJ Tue 20-Nov-12 21:34:59

Suggest she looks on ebay, you can buy quite reasonable ones on there.

ElectricMonk Tue 20-Nov-12 21:35:14

You're not being a bitch, and it was inappropriate of the woman to ask. However... Do you have/might you ever have DDs who could want to wear it? Do you ever get it out and look at it? Are you planning on having it framed? Are you planning on having any more photos of yourself taken in it? Do you really value it as a reminder, given that your wedding photos probably serve that role?

If the answer to all of those questions is no, why not offer to sell it for a fair price and see if she's happy with that? Or, if you're feeling particularly kind, offer to lend it as long as she's prepared to pay for any cleaning/repairs (only if it really wouldn't make any difference to you if the dress was damaged).

Most people end up throwing away/selling/forgetting all about their wedding dresses in the end anyway, so if you could potentially do some good with it while scoring some brownie-points at work then it could be beneficial all round.

lessemin Tue 20-Nov-12 21:35:21

I think it must have taken a lot to ask you. If it was me I would lend it as long as she had it dry cleaned after the wedding.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a DH with a good job.

flossy101 Tue 20-Nov-12 21:36:19

Oh my god! What an odd request! How cheeky!

Yanbu!

McTagster Tue 20-Nov-12 21:36:20

Yanbu. You could tell her it has a big red wine stain on it that won't come out.

ihearsounds Tue 20-Nov-12 21:36:45

No. There's cheap ones around - charity shops even Littlewoods outlet on ebay have one for £60 (have others as well for under £100)
www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Nicholas-Millington-Veronica-Fishtail-Jewel-Wedding-Dress-White-/180999640995?pt=UK_Wedding_Dresses&var=&hash=item6fcdf15720

MrsBucketxx Tue 20-Nov-12 21:37:23

someone "borrowed" my moms and she never got it back.

i would tell her no, you dont need to give a reason, just no will do.

Fakebook Tue 20-Nov-12 21:37:33

They're stalking you in fb and looking at your dress! Tell them you sold it. Yanbu.

marchwillsoonbehere Tue 20-Nov-12 21:37:34

I don't think you're being remotely unreasonable to say no, and as a matter of fact I think she has a bit of a brass neck asking seeing as you're obviously not close friends, but.....

There is something very superior and 'get lost oik' and 'I'm alright Jack' in the tone of what your post that makes me think that YABU anyway.

Probably just me...

SpicyPear Tue 20-Nov-12 21:37:41

YANBU. How strange!

ImperialStateKnickers Tue 20-Nov-12 21:37:47

Its not unreasonable for her to ask if they're genuinely struggling, although I don't think I'd ask a work colleague who I hardly know! But neither is it unreasonable for you to answer no, and you don't have to give any reason why. By all means tell her the honest truth if you feel it would help your longterm working relationship, that it would make you unhappy if you lent it to anyone.

coldcupoftea Tue 20-Nov-12 21:37:52

Tell her you are planning to use it to make DC's christening gowns? That's the traditional use anyway.

Then again, just say no!

MrsBeep Tue 20-Nov-12 21:37:54

They can look in charity shops and on ebay if they want to get a cheap wedding dress, and then perhaps ask a friend of a friend or someone they know to alter it. How odd they should ask you to borrow your dress.

OP - did she say something like "You can say no if you like, I do understand it's your dress." because if she didn't then she's a cow!

expatinscotland Tue 20-Nov-12 21:38:45

YANBU. Just tell her, 'No, that doesn't work for me.' Repeat/replay till she gets the message.

hurricanewyn Tue 20-Nov-12 21:39:23

I'd let her have it. I'd ask for it to.be dry cleaned on return & no alterations be done - but mine is just sitting in my wardrobe at the mo, being useless.

Don't feel like I can just chuck it, but don't really know what to do with it.

OddBoots Tue 20-Nov-12 21:39:26

You are perfectly reasonable to say no.

Inertia Tue 20-Nov-12 21:39:41

Just tell her that you're too emotionally attached to the dress to lend it out.

Greensleeves Tue 20-Nov-12 21:39:48

I'd lend it to her. It's only a dress. Why not get some use out of it?

ihearsounds Tue 20-Nov-12 21:40:29

Plus if they are genuinely struggling what would they hadn't been able to stalk you on FB? Struggle like the rest of us, save up and have a wedding within our means.

Beamur Tue 20-Nov-12 21:40:51

I can see both sides really.
I think it's a bit cheeky to ask, but if you don't ask you don't get!
If the dress is special to you, I'd be wary of lending it to someone you don't know - she might take good care of it, but there again she might not.
Your lending the dress might really make a special difference for their wedding, but equally - if you don't have a lot of money then you need to live within your means.
I don't think you would be a bitch to refuse.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Tue 20-Nov-12 21:41:15

YANBU, I can't believe she even asked!

YABU to have lax privacy settings on your FB account though.

Viviennemary Tue 20-Nov-12 21:41:18

YANBU. How rude of them to even ask. Don't lend it if you don't want to.

charlmarascoxo Tue 20-Nov-12 21:41:27

Apparently she asked because she thinks we're the same size and they have looked on ebay and saw similar dresses but thought they were still a tad expensive so she thought she would ask me first as it would keep costs down.

BupcakesAndCunting Tue 20-Nov-12 21:41:34

Tell Wendy to tell her daughter to grow up and have a wedding when she can sodding well afford one.

FoxSake Tue 20-Nov-12 21:41:57

YANBU at all. What did you say, my dress is for my dds to do with what they please.

charlmarascoxo Tue 20-Nov-12 21:42:26

SlightlySuperiorPeasant I'm friends with the work colleague on Facebook thats how her daughter saw the photos.

Panzee Tue 20-Nov-12 21:42:27

I really think that some people take the "don't ask, don't get" saying too far.

mamamibbo Tue 20-Nov-12 21:42:38

thats odd ! i bought mine from a charity shop for £10 and had a few alterations (about a fiver i think) i loved it

Corygal Tue 20-Nov-12 21:42:52

Blimey. Even Ned Flanders wouldn't go for that.

Decline politely. If you're really feeling generous, given that they are struggling, you might want to offer a bottle of champagne for congratulations.

picnicbasketcase Tue 20-Nov-12 21:43:04

No way on earth. Tell her to look into renting one.

Greensleeves Tue 20-Nov-12 21:43:17

WHY is it rude to ask? It's a dress! OP isn't using it confused

MrsBucketxx Tue 20-Nov-12 21:44:43

greensleeves you dont get the importance of a wedding dress to most women.

DontmindifIdo Tue 20-Nov-12 21:44:47

tell "wendy" that you have had a look at it tonight and you had forgotten in your drunken haze that it was ripped and had red wine dropped on it so it's not fit for use by anyone, and that actually thinking about it, you'd rather not give it away anyway. Could you suggest she looks at www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/bridal

Cabrinha Tue 20-Nov-12 21:45:52

Why are people calling Wendy a "stalker"? Presumably the OP is fb friends with her.
As long as she asked politely, and is gracious about a refusal, where's the harm in asking?
I'd lend mine. It's just an over priced dress. Mine is part of my daughter's dressing up box.
I don't think YABU not to want to lend it - but she's not U for asking.
Incidentally, cost to dry clean it for you probably more than buying one on eBay secondhand. Mine never got cleaned!

ENormaSnob Tue 20-Nov-12 21:45:55

shock

That is cheeky as fuck.

I would definitely say no.

Floggingmolly Tue 20-Nov-12 21:45:58

To those who say you don't lend a wedding dress.
When I was getting married a colleague was determined to lend me (unasked) her wedding dress, which was emerald green velvet.
It took all of my diplomacy to refuse, and she was still a bit miffed in the end.
Some people don't have that sort of emotional attachment to their dresses; I gave mine to the charity shop. I never intended to use it again, what else would I do with it?

mamij Tue 20-Nov-12 21:46:05

I would say no, especially if you're not that friendly with your colleague, let alone lending it to her daughter.

If you don't want to keep the dress and have no other uses, I would sell it to them. But I wouldn't lend it as I'd be worried about it not coming back in perfect condition.

And what's this stalking you on fb business?

amarylisnightandday Tue 20-Nov-12 21:47:05

Yanbu wedding dresses are really personal and special. Say no and don't feel guilty

Tryharder Tue 20-Nov-12 21:47:17

Can't believe how meanspirited some of you are sounding on this thread.

Bully for you that you have a high earning DH and could afford a lovely wedding and expensive dress hmm

I would happily lend my wedding dress with a smile and good grace with the promise that it would be returned to me in good condition and dry cleaned. It's just stuck in a cupboard now, presumably?

MrsBungleBear Tue 20-Nov-12 21:47:23

No YANBU. What if it got ripped/stained etc?

My DM lent my veil to my uncles fiance for their wedding (now his ex wife). I never got the veil back. Might not seem a big deal to some people but I have a DD now and I would love to show it to her sad

ShipwreckedAndComatose Tue 20-Nov-12 21:47:34

It would be a lovely thing to do for someone given the dress will never be worn again.

But it's your dress to decide

Narked Tue 20-Nov-12 21:48:13

Ok. Let's remove the word 'wedding' here.

Your colleague asked you out of the blue if you'd bring in your ££££ dress - that she's seen you wearing in pictures on your Facebook page - for her adult daughter to wear. Because she likes it but doesn't want to spend the money buying one.

No.

charlmarascoxo Tue 20-Nov-12 21:48:42

The conversation pretty much went like this -

Amelia came over to mine yesterday and I showed her your wedding photos to give her ideas, and she really loved your dress. We tried to a similar one on Ebay and we were both quite shocked at the price of a second hand dress, so I thought I'd ask if it was possible for you to perhaps lend her your wedding dress because she's trying to keep the cost of the wedding down and I'm trying to help as best I can but I'm struggling financially at the moment

Cue my shocked face and a lot of erm ....

BitOutOfPractice Tue 20-Nov-12 21:49:21

If I ever get amrried again I fancy a dress like Kate Middleton's. I think I might drop her a line. After all I sort of know her from the column of shame in the Daily Mail the media

marchwillsoonbehere Tue 20-Nov-12 21:49:24

And what's this stalking you on fb business?

I think that's just the baying MN bitches hounds Mamij. OP didn't say she was being stalked (and in fact later said she and Wendy were friends on FB) but a few of the more hysterical sisters here picked it up and ran with it!

Narked Tue 20-Nov-12 21:49:42

And when the dress doesn't come back?

MrsBucketxx Tue 20-Nov-12 21:50:38

my dh is well paid yes, but my dress cost 180 pound and was made by my dm no way on earth would i lend it to anyone.

its very special to me.

ihearsounds Tue 20-Nov-12 21:50:43

Still don't understand why she had to show Amelia your fb pics when google would have spewed up millions of wedding dress pics.

charlmarascoxo Tue 20-Nov-12 21:51:56

"Bully for you that you have a high earning DH and could afford a lovely wedding and expensive dress"

I'm not trying to show off or anything or think that I'm above anyone. Its just a fact, my OH has worked his way up the career ladder and its thankfully paid off well for him. He got the right job at the right time.

It doesn't mean we live in a house made of diamonds and ride unicorns. It just means we were able to afford the wedding we wanted without falling into debt.

Cabrinha Tue 20-Nov-12 21:51:58

Greensleeves, I hear you!
MrsBucketxx, I think you're right it's important to a lot of people but not everyone - at least 3 on this thread don't think it's a big deal. So it's fair enough to ask! Would only be rude to expect - but not to ask.

marchwillsoonbehere Tue 20-Nov-12 21:52:25

Tryharder

Bully for you that you have a high earning DH and could afford a lovely wedding and expensive dress

My nuts in a thoughtshell!

Fakebook Tue 20-Nov-12 21:52:40

grin grin grin

Everythingwillbeok Tue 20-Nov-12 21:52:50

This is well over stepping the mark,totally bare faced cheek tell her you have paid to have it cleaned and it's all wrapped up in plastic and your not going through all that again...if she says they will just say no your ok thanks.

FoxSake Tue 20-Nov-12 21:52:52

I'm guessing it was an expensive dress if it's still expensive on eBay, you wouldn't lend your car or your expensive jewellery to a colleague, hell I wouldn't lend them my iPad or mobile. I wouldn't lend them anything that could not easily be replaced as well as the fact that it's very personal.

nilbyname Tue 20-Nov-12 21:53:17

how much was your dress?
I would say no. Too tricky.

Narked Tue 20-Nov-12 21:53:44

Would you ask someone to borrow their eg diamond necklace because your DD saw it and really wanted to wear it but couldn't really afford to?

marchwillsoonbehere Tue 20-Nov-12 21:54:10

I'm not trying to show off or anything or think that I'm above anyone.

Maybe you're NOT trying to show off but you seem to be making a jolly good fist of it just the same!

whois Tue 20-Nov-12 21:54:27

That's really odd to ask! Massive FB stalkers...

Say no. YANBU.

Narked Tue 20-Nov-12 21:54:33

X post FoxSake

charlmarascoxo Tue 20-Nov-12 21:54:38

Re the stalking comment.

I'm definitely not getting stalked on Facebook and have no problem with them looking at my photos on there. Because surely people upload photos onto fb for people to see?

I am friends with Wendy on there. I also only accept friend requests off people I know and as far as I know my profile is pretty secure. But thats not even the issue here.

helpyourself Tue 20-Nov-12 21:54:39

I'd say yes. I'm sad that I only got to wear mine once, and I'd be flattered. But you don't have to.

charlmarascoxo Tue 20-Nov-12 21:55:50

I'm not trying to show off or anything or think that I'm above anyone.

Maybe you're NOT trying to show off but you seem to be making a jolly good fist of it just the same!

Really? How so? I'm genuinely interested.

Narked Tue 20-Nov-12 21:56:24

I had a tiny wedding and don't give a shit about what I wore, but some people do. It's a big deal for them and they spend a lot of time and money on finding the right dress and it holds sentimental value for them.

MrsBucketxx Tue 20-Nov-12 21:56:39

get off op's case.

she doesnt want to lend it im guessing.

cut your cloth accordingly, if dhe cant afford it buy what you can!!!

MrsBucketxx Tue 20-Nov-12 21:57:22

you not dhe

stifnstav Tue 20-Nov-12 21:57:36

My BNWT wedding dress was £111 on ebay. She should look harder.

Trills Tue 20-Nov-12 21:57:40

Just say no.

You don't have to lend people stuff just because they ask.

Even if you're never going to use it ever again.

YellowTulips Tue 20-Nov-12 21:58:25

It's YOUR wedding dress. If someone else wears it it becomes THEIR wedding dress.

You either mind that or you don't.

Personally I would mind. I saved a long time to get the dress I wanted made for me and other than my DC's I wouldn't want anyone else to wear it <in case they looked better in it admittedly grin>

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Tue 20-Nov-12 21:58:57

Whether the wedding dress cost £10 or £10,000,000, it's bloody cheeky to just ask to borrow someone elses wedding dress - especially if you aren't close friends or family.

Cabrinha Tue 20-Nov-12 22:00:33

OK, reading your update - yes, YABU.
Not to not lend it - that's fine.
But to tell this woman to f off... How rude!! From what you've said, the request was polite.

Narked Tue 20-Nov-12 22:00:41

Ok. Anyone on here have a nice car? I would like to borrow it. I don't need to, but it would mean I had more money to spend on other nice things.

BupcakesAndCunting Tue 20-Nov-12 22:02:10

She hasn't told her to eff off hmm

YellowTulips Tue 20-Nov-12 22:03:23

Narked - yep but it's a bit pricy on the petrol - should I throw that in too grin?

charlmarascoxo Tue 20-Nov-12 22:03:39

Cabrinha I wouldn't actually tell her to fuck off. I was just venting my frustration.

Haberdashery Tue 20-Nov-12 22:03:58

Um, what are you going to do with the dress? I mean, are you ever going to wear it again? If not, why not let someone else get some pleasure out of it?

Narked Tue 20-Nov-12 22:04:25

If she beat her about the head with her DH's tax return, that would be unreasonable.

Badgersnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 22:05:06

My wedding dress has been in the wardrobe for almost ten years (apart from the royal wedding when I put it on for the ceremony and let my friend wear the tiara) I doubt my children will want it because they're boys. I would lend it (if I liked the recipient) because I'll never wear it again and I can't be arsed to make it in to cushion covers

marchwillsoonbehere Tue 20-Nov-12 22:05:12

Really? How so? I'm genuinely interested.

Nice question OP, and I (genuinely) thank you for asking it because honestly things can come out in writing REALLY not sounding as you meant them to, (and I am on a roll today...a local site changed its comment on FB about someone because I pointed out that it sounded really so rude). Anyway, so these are the things on which I am basing my rather snarky remarks.

This is the main one:

My DH has a good job and earns well and we were able to afford to have a lovely wedding and I was able to afford the dress that I wanted. Neither Wendy or Amelia were invited to the wedding, in direct contrast to saying how they were struggling (sounded less like genuine pity more like, I dunno, superiority).
Then later on you said that your husband worked hard for what he has. I don't doubt for a minute that's true, but how do you know that Wendy and her family don't work just as hard (not that that entitles her to your wedding dress obviously and as I said to start with, I don't think you are unreasonable to refuse).

I really am sorry if I have misread you but these I the things that made me feel you were flaunting your better circumstances over Wendy. But again, at the end of my first post here I finished by saying 'Probably just me...'

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Tue 20-Nov-12 22:05:38

YANBU.

It's cheeky to ask to borrow any expensive item where there is a risk that it could get damaged - as a wedding dress could. They know it was expensive because they have seen the price online.

That said, you have to say no clearly, this woman can't be expected to mind read.

Don't get bogged down in explanations / justifications.

Narked Tue 20-Nov-12 22:05:57

Yes please. And I'd like it nice and clean too grin

captainmummy Tue 20-Nov-12 22:06:15

Hire it to her. Might be the start of a whole new business...

Mine is hanging in the wardrobe, yellowing, unloved.

cloudpuff Tue 20-Nov-12 22:06:38

OP dont be made to feel bad because your husband is on a good wage and you had a good wedding, it did't come across as showing off to me, seems to be some are jealous on here.

The cost of the dress is irrelavant, its yours and if you don't want to let someone else use it then don't. Its not something i would feel comfortable asking my closest friends let alone a colleague.

I dont understand why material items have so much significance, surely its about being married to someone you love. I got married in Oct and would have loved to have gone the full hog but it was out of our price limits so we just went to the registry office, whole thing cost less than £200 including rings and dress etc and it was one of the best days of my life.

I will never wear my wedding dress again, but that doesn't mean I would lend it to someone. We all have things that are special, that we keep as special, even if they serve no useful purpose.

OP, don't lend your dress - I wouldn't. People may ask favours, but there is no obligation to say yes. Just say sorry, but you can't. Don't bluster, and explain, just say 'no' and leave it at that. I bet they won't be surprised.

TuftyFinch Tue 20-Nov-12 22:08:02

I think it is rude to ask. Cut your coat according to your cloth. If you can't afford the wedding, and dress, you'd prefer. Wait.

Idlegirl83 Tue 20-Nov-12 22:08:33

My lovely friend who was emigrating so unable to get to my wedding gave me her wedding veil to wear on the day.
A year or so later when a relative asked to borrow it I said yes on the proviso that I got it back.
It took over six months of pestering her to finally get it back, screwed up in a Sainburys carrier bag with no thank you - it was given to me via a friend of a friend shock
I say YANBU. You cannot guarantee its safe return sad

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Tue 20-Nov-12 22:08:35

It was cheeky of them to ask, obviously. YANBU and I don't think you have anything to defend.

What was your reaction when you were asked? You said no, right?

FlouryWhiteBaps Tue 20-Nov-12 22:09:34

So how did the conversation end OP, after you'd hummed and hawed in an awkward fashion? Did you actually give a definitive answer or say you'd think it over or what?

If it's the latter then surely you need to simply say having thought it over you feel, for sentimental reasons, you'd rather not lend it out. I don't think you're a bitch for feeling this way BTW, although wedding dresses aren't my cup of tea...I was married in a trouser suit which made its way to the charity shop a long time ago grin.

AdoraJingleBells Tue 20-Nov-12 22:09:52

YANBU in the least.

I can understand her not wanting to spend lots of money on a wedding dress if they are struggling. Or even if she doesn't want to spend it etc, but you shouldn't feel pressured or obliged to lend your wedding dress to anybody.

Personally, I wouldn't have the front to ask. If I really loved a dress I might ask if the owner would mind me copying it, if I could find someone to copy it.

Surely she'd be able to find one in a charity shop, not everyone keeps their dress after all.

FlouryWhiteBaps Tue 20-Nov-12 22:10:12

Oh x-post!

charlmarascoxo Tue 20-Nov-12 22:13:21

My DH has a good job and earns well and we were able to afford to have a lovely wedding and I was able to afford the dress that I wanted. Neither Wendy or Amelia were invited to the wedding, in direct contrast to saying how they were struggling (sounded less like genuine pity more like, I dunno, superiority).
Then later on you said that your husband worked hard for what he has. I don't doubt for a minute that's true, but how do you know that Wendy and her family don't work just as hard (not that that entitles her to your wedding dress obviously and as I said to start with, I don't think you are unreasonable to refuse).

I really am sorry if I have misread you but these I the things that made me feel you were flaunting your better circumstances over Wendy. But again, at the end of my first post here I finished by saying 'Probably just me...

What I meant to get across was that my DH is extremely lucky because a vast majority of people work exceptionally hard their entire life and don't ever get the big break they deserve.

Wendy and her family weren't invited because we're not close, and it would be one of those situations where if you invited one person from the office you would have to invite everyone. We didn't want too many people there.

Looking back I should have worded myself better. I just meant that we were able to afford the wedding we wanted without getting ourselves crushed with debt. My dress wasn't obscenely expensive either, but it was the one I wanted and it means a lot to me.

Katisha Tue 20-Nov-12 22:15:41

WHat did you actually say to her when she asked? HOw did you leave it?

marchwillsoonbehere Tue 20-Nov-12 22:16:47

Yep, Charl, as I thought, the bugger is in the wording. And I will say (for the third time!) I don't think YANBU, you should definitely say no, and your post at 22.13 sounds like it comes from a really nice place!

Helltotheno Tue 20-Nov-12 22:19:45

Yes what did you answer? And more to the point, what are you going to answer? Cos this won't just go away...

If you don't want to, don't. You don't have to justify it. It was pretty cheeky tbh, and I wouldn't consider asking someone that, though would consider asking if someone would consider selling if I was desperate.

carrotcruncher Tue 20-Nov-12 22:20:42

I would be perfectly honest with her and tell her that you are sorry but you do not want to lend it out it means too much to me.

apostropheuse Tue 20-Nov-12 22:22:47

If you don't want to loan it to her then don't. That's entirely your right and you shouldn't feel coerced into it.

I personally don't get attached to "things" so I would probably let her borrow it. I would rather someone else got the use of it than it hang in the wardrobe to go yellow. I would be pleased to see it make someone else happy.

ratspeaker Tue 20-Nov-12 22:28:02

"Sorry my sister/cousin/pet rat wants to use it"
"sorry it too personal to lend out"
"it's mine and I will be in 7th circle of hell before you touch it "

It was YOUR dress for YOUR day

Doesn't matter what your DH earns, what you earn. if you feel uncomfortable lending YOUR dress then don't.
Would you lend them a tv, car, house?

change your facebook settings

If they're struggling with the cost they could elope, have smaller wedding, go to charity shops, etc etc as said up thread

btw i had quiet, registry office wedding but still have the "sensible could be used again /smart dress" I wore, as a keepsake of the day ( oh and DH is a reminder too, I suppose )

charlmarascoxo Tue 20-Nov-12 22:29:03

Well I think I sounded a little bit lame, because I said that after we moved house it was stored in the attic so I would have to firstly find it and then see what state it was in as I never got it dry cleaned.

CrapBag Tue 20-Nov-12 22:33:34

Just say that it means something to you and you would rather not lend it out. They can't argue with that and if they do then they are extremely rude.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 20-Nov-12 22:38:17

I'm not even married but even if I was, I'd never let anyone borrow my dress.

Nor would I ask to borrow someone else's, not even a close friend, not even if I were broke.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 20-Nov-12 22:41:43

Just seen your most recent post. Early next week, tell her you found it at the weekend, got it out and you and your DH have realised it's much too sentimental to lend out to anyone. Don't engage if she protests.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 20-Nov-12 22:44:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKwazii Tue 20-Nov-12 22:49:05

Tell her to take a look here: www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/bridal

MrsKwazii Tue 20-Nov-12 22:55:21

And this shop in Cheadle looks good: www.sah.org.uk/shops/wedding-shop There may be something similar close to you if 'Amelia' is trying to keep costs down. I got my dress from a sample sale - loads cheaper.

I know that I wouldn't want to lend my wedding dress out. I don't blame Wendy for asking though, and if she's asked she must be half expecting a 'no'. I'd just be straight with her. No need to make it into too much of a drama.

Startail Tue 20-Nov-12 22:55:25

you'll never wear it again, so why not let it make someone else happy.

Mine is in my parents loft, it will be yellow and useless, 22 years down the line.

E bay didn't exist back then.

There is no way on earth I'd lend anyone my wedding dress, apart from my DD. YANBU.

You could always tell her that when you found it in the attic moths had been at it, look distressed, and walk away?

I would also tell her to look on www.sexyher.co.uk - very reasonable, very quick delivery and available in all sorts of colours. (I get ballgowns from there).

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 20-Nov-12 23:01:25

Im with those who say firget about the fact that it's a wedding dress. What if it were an engagement rung the OP does t wear often or a watch or any other piece of memorable jewellery. You would lend it to some one you barely know?

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 20-Nov-12 23:07:04

Cheeky cow. Say no and don't explain why. Some people take the piss. So just because your dh has a good job as you are 'lucky' enough to afford your dress you should give it to someone else?! Ermm...NO

And go into your fb setting and go into 'custom' and block the cheeky cow from seeing your photos/posts. She will be able to see she is friends with you but won't know you blocked her from seeing your stuff. If she asks just say you have private settings for everyone!

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 20-Nov-12 23:11:09

Please don't do this - you don't want to so don't! And don't give exuses. Just say no, sorry, I don't want to do that and if she is funny that Is HER problem not yours.

carrotcruncher Tue 20-Nov-12 23:16:40

You could tell her you were sick on it and it stinks if you don't want to be straight with her

StuntGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 23:25:17

She asked politely enough. YANBU to not want to lend it out if you really don't want to (although I would) but YABVU in how annoyed you've got over it. Just politely decline. It's not that hard.

TheFallenMadonna Tue 20-Nov-12 23:26:11

She asked pretty politely I think, so I'm not sure why she's attracting the vitriol. You don't want to lend it, so don't. Can't see though that it's quite as shocking as all that.

StuntGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 23:27:39

Would also point out its clear you could only afford your wedding due to your husbands 'lucky' job. Maybe she and her partner haven't been so 'lucky'. And neither would you if it weren't for your husband.

ExitPursuedByMarieAntoinette Tue 20-Nov-12 23:30:00

Just say No.

As the MN saying goes, No is a complete sentence.

ImperialBlether Tue 20-Nov-12 23:33:19

It sounds like the daughter is looking to her mum to cough up the money or the actual dress itself.

I know it's nothing to do with the OP, but surely you factor the cost of the dress into the wedding and if you can't afford the dress you sure as hell can't afford to buy food and drink for others at a party.

I would lend the dress to a close friend who hadn't asked. I wouldn't lend it to someone I didn't know/particularly like.

Housemum Tue 20-Nov-12 23:35:42

To all who mention the OP apparently flaunting the cash, I don't think that's the real issue here. Yes, came across badly but haven't we all posted something that sounded right to us but comes across wrong written down?

Personally, my wedding dress was £80 from Debenhams prom dress department, gorgeous cream dress with beaded details. But I would feel weird lending it to someone else, that's just me. So cost/design isn't an issue it's just that to some people a wedding dress carries more significance than its actual value. Other people are happy to cut them down to make a different dress, or to make a christening robe, or just to donate/sell them. If that ain't you then you are quite right not to lend it, just need to work on a nice way to say no. Good luck

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Tue 20-Nov-12 23:36:52

god, why is everyone being so mean to the OP, she doesn't have to lend her wedding dress out just cos they have more money than wendy and amelia. bonkers as conkers.

No is a complete sentence, like Exit says. i'd add that you are glad she felt comfortable enough in your friendship to ask, but hope that you understand that you also feel comfortable enough to refuse.

OTheHugeManatee Tue 20-Nov-12 23:38:05

OMG! I imagine your face was shock and then confused and then hmm when she asked.

I'm amazed at the cheek of asking tbh but people do have very different attitudes to stuff like this and maybe she just doesn't get it.

Just tell her it's not a paperback novel or a lawnmower or something, that people can borrow just like that - it's unique and irreplaceable and you'd be devastated if anything happened to it so sorry, it's not possible.

trixymalixy Tue 20-Nov-12 23:43:00

My wedding dress cost bugger all, my Mum made it for me. I still wouldn't want to lend it out to someone. YANBU.

I think before I can judge I would have to see the dress I love wedding dresses

If it was something like this then I would be more inclined than if it were something like this

scurryfunge Tue 20-Nov-12 23:55:38

It's your dress and you don't have to lend it if you don't want to.
Personally, I'm not emotionally attached to my wedding dress and it would be good to do something nice for someone else.

OhDearNigel Tue 20-Nov-12 23:55:50

Well. I would lend my wedding dress to a really good friend in need. I wouldn't lend it to the random daughter of someone I worked with. I think it was rude to ask and I do think this is the sort of scenario where you don't have to make up a reason for not lending it - "I'm sorry but I don't want anyone to wear my wedding dress" is good enough reason in itself.

Bogeyface Tue 20-Nov-12 23:58:59

For me the issue would be in the way it was phrased.

"DD has just lost her job, its too late to cancel without losing their money and she doesnt have a dress. Do you think that you could lend her yours? Or do you know anyone that would lend her a dress as we really dont have the money to pay for one?" would be fine, and I would seriously consider it.

"We are up to our ears in debt and DD wants a designer dress, could you bring yours in so she can wear it?" would be a straight no.

charlmarascoxo Wed 21-Nov-12 00:08:11

Rule number one never mention money. Because the snide comments will surely follow.

I said my DH is lucky because he's rewarded for his hard work. Some people unfortunately are not. Also the wedding was not paid solely for by my DH.

Thanks to all the women who have shown me that I am not just being a bitch. If it was just any dress then of course I would lend it, but its not.

hb84 Wed 21-Nov-12 00:17:43

Just say no. You don't have to give a reason.

Cathycomehome Wed 21-Nov-12 00:33:45

My friend at work offered me her wedding dress! It was so beautiful, it's almost convinced me to get married! but she looked so beautiful in it I couldn't compete, and also, why fix things when they're not broken re marriage, and furthermore, why does everyone I know seem to think I want to get married grin

Loveweekends10 Wed 21-Nov-12 00:57:19

I always think a wedding dress is a very personal thing. It has a lot of special memories attached to it. So no I think she's a bit weird for asking to be honest. Tell her your mum has taken it as it means so much to her and therefore you couldn't possibly lend it out.

dexter73 Wed 21-Nov-12 07:54:36

Whenever there is a thread on here about people not getting baby stuff back after they have lent it to someone the usual reply is not to lend out things if you want to get them back. I think lending a wedding dress is a big ask. Also it costs a lot of money to dry clean a wedding dress which she may not be able to afford.

MrsBucketxx Wed 21-Nov-12 07:57:48

in the words of grange hill "just say no"

diddl Wed 21-Nov-12 08:07:19

Jesus-just say no already!

Sounds as if she asked politely enough.

My parents neighbour wore a lovely wedding dress & when I told her it was exactly the sort of thing I was looking for-an obvious hint-she sold it to me.

Was that really any better?

dysfunctionalme Wed 21-Nov-12 08:10:15

I think your title is v unreasonable. At your own admission, Wendy asked v politely so yes, v unreasonable to want to tell her to fuck off. It's only an ask, it's not a demand or anything more, and the reasonable thing to do is to respond in kind, that is, with good grace. The way you have banged on about your dh earning we'll cause he works hard implies that Wendy is poor because she does not work hard. Which is just nasty.

SoupDragon Wed 21-Nov-12 08:12:55

You would be highly unreasonable to tell her to f-off.

Just say "Oh, I'm so sorry but I sold it."

SoupDragon Wed 21-Nov-12 08:15:03

Just saying "no" would, in this case, be unnecessarily blunt and rude. Wendy was polite, there is no need to snap at her.

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 08:20:25

Yabu via your thread title, it's not very nice, you are well within your rights to say no. Just tell her you e bayed it sorry

afterdinnerkiss Wed 21-Nov-12 08:30:20

YANBU - don't lend it to her!!! you cannot 'ask' to borrow someones wedding dress - if lent it has to be offered freely. there are plenty of hire places should she want to hire her dress.

blatantly say no!

nancerama Wed 21-Nov-12 08:30:45

My wedding dress is sitting in a box on top of the wardrobe. I doubt it will ever see the light of day again, but for some unfathomable reason I wouldn't want to lend or sell it to anyone.

I would however be more than happy to lend any of my other bits and pieces (veil, tiara, shoes, bag) to a bride in need of a bit of help on her wedding day.

afterdinnerkiss Wed 21-Nov-12 08:33:26

fatima i love wedding dresses too (including my own)

love this one too. sorry for straying off topic OP.

lollilou Wed 21-Nov-12 08:40:18

You don't have to lend it if you don't want to but please be honest when giving your reasons.
Could you lend her anything else, shoes, bag, bridesmaid items, decorations ect or something else to help out. When I got married we had a lots of stuff that has been boxed up and put in my loft.
If she is struggling it would be a nice gesture to help her out.

afterdinnerkiss Wed 21-Nov-12 08:41:30

and even though my dress is not one of these i would never let anyone but my non-existant twin sister borrow it. photos linked for imaginative effect.

LtEveDallas Wed 21-Nov-12 09:02:08

Going against the grain here - I would.

In fact I'd be quite flattered that someone thought my 'taste' was good enough to copy (IYSWIM).

It's only a dress. Mine is sitting in a cover at my mums with me desperately trying to think of a use for it - I've never found another dress that suited me more than that one. How I wish I could. I'd much rather someone else got some joy out of it, then have it sitting there getting musty and yellow.

RooneyMara Wed 21-Nov-12 09:11:14

I think the way your colleague asked was polite, and Okay generally.

But still, it does put you in an awkward position.

I think something like this is likely to have an emotional attachment, it could get ruined, quite easily, her daughter won't be able to keep it, which is sad, and you won't feel it's so special once someone else has worn it too.

I think the colleague just didn't anticipate how attached you might be to it.

Just explain to her that you feel it's a special thing to keep and you're really sorry, but you'd be too worried about anything happening to it - someone might spill their wine over her daughter, it could get muddy, accidents do happen. And you wouldn't want to bring any worry or resentment into the friendship.

Or make an excuse, that's what I'd do. I don't think you're unreasonable not to want to lend it. I've never been married though so I don't have one.

also it costs a lot of money to dry clean a wedding dress which she may not be able to afford

Yes, this. Say you looked into having yours cleaned as would "obviously" need doing before and after, and it would be rather more than the cost of a second-hand one so really she would be better off ...

RooneyMara Wed 21-Nov-12 09:13:02

Oh and offset any awkwardness by being very friendly about it - and suggesting helping them find something similar, having a look online for something a bit like it but cheaper, to recommend - or suggest hiring a dress instead of buying one.

Keep bombarding her with 'helpful' suggestions about the wedding and keeping costs down and she will know your intentions are good.

RooneyMara Wed 21-Nov-12 09:13:25

VG idea, Horatia!

greeneyed Wed 21-Nov-12 09:13:53

Umm this is a difficult one and I suppose depends on your relationship with Wendy and how you feel about your dress. Personally I would lend it to her on the proviso of being cleaned afterwards - but for me it's just a dress really I doubt I'll EVER fit into it again and I have the pictures. It would make me happy to think of someone else being able to wear it. Fundamentally though it is yours and you can say no.

Trills Wed 21-Nov-12 09:16:40

I don't think "I would do it" is going against the grain.

Saying "you should" might be.

If you don't want to lend it, lend it.

If you do want to, do it (but don't be too hopeful of getting it back clean and undamaged)

WandaDoff Wed 21-Nov-12 09:20:28

I don't think that there was any harm in asking. A bit FORWARD perhaps, but not totally unreasonable.

If you don't want to lend it then just say NO. Simple as that.

ImAlpharius Wed 21-Nov-12 09:21:32

I was gokng to say the same as Horatia. Two lots of dry cleaning fees for a wedding dress will be very expensive. Wonder if Wendy has thought of that.

Trills Wed 21-Nov-12 09:22:55

That's why I think she won't get it back clean if she does lend it - if an ebay dress is " a bit pricey", getting wedding dresses cleaned is not going to look very appealing

winterhill Wed 21-Nov-12 09:23:04

Actually I don't think the woman had done anything wrong or been rude.
Surely the answer is a Yes or a NO from the OP - end of story.

Personally I would lend because although it is a nice outfit it isn't doing anything and has been hanging round for a few years dust collecting. I haven't got a huge emotional attachment to the dress like some people have so wouldn't be bothered one way or another if someone else wore it.

Ephiny Wed 21-Nov-12 09:25:48

I think it's quite odd and cheeky to ask. It's an awkward situation for you, but I think you just need to say 'sorry, no, I don't really want to lend it out to anyone'. There's no need to be rude, but at the same time you don't have agree if you don't want to.

My 'wedding dress' was just a nice but ordinary off-the-peg dress, so I would have no problem at all lending it to a friend. Actually I'd give it to a good friend if it fitted them better, it's a bit too big for me now. But even so, I'd kind of feel it should be for me to offer rather than for someone to demand. Especially if they're 'just' a work colleague and not even a close/personal friend. And even more so if it's an expensive one-off 'proper' wedding dress.

Also it's not your problem if 'Amelia' and family have got themselves into debt. If they're 'struggling' that much she can wait until they can afford the wedding she wants, or she can wear something she's already got.

musicalendorphins Wed 21-Nov-12 09:31:02

"Wendy, I thought about your request to borrow my wedding gown, but sorry, no. The dress is special to me and I don't feel comfortable lending something like this."

Then perhaps mention some places with affordable dresses that she could check out?

Don't feel guilty, there are lot's of nice dresses out there. People have to live within their means. She was really bold asking such a thing. That is they type of situation where she could have hinted and let you offer if you wanted to.

HeathRobinson Wed 21-Nov-12 09:39:56

'It doesn't mean we live in a house made of diamonds and ride unicorns.'

I love that.

<thinks of when I can use it>

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 09:42:45

I can't understand the major overreaction on here about the wedding dress, it's not like sn asked for a threesome is it hmm. Some of you are very mean, the lady was polite. A simple no would suffice, and mabey a little white lie, r just say you would rather not lend it as it is very special to you

RyleDup Wed 21-Nov-12 09:44:17

Youre not coming across as superior to me op. Its your wedding dress, just because your husband earns more doesn't mean its your responsibility to lend your dress, the one that was really expensive and has sentimental value, to someone you hardly know, just because they earn less then you. My wedding dress was expensive and beautiful. If a close friend needed to borrow it I would lend it as it would be looked after. There is no way I would consider lending it to a vitual stranger who liked the look of it on my fb page. I think she's got a bloody cheek tbh, you shop around until you find a dress you can afford, or put off the wedding and start saving.

diddl Wed 21-Nov-12 09:50:42

Thing is though-what OP/her husband earn doesn´t really come into it, does it?

Wendy´s daughter can´t afford the dress she wants(?)

She likes Ops dress & has asked to borrow it.

Op says yes or no!

Wendy´s daughter finds a dress she can afford or saves up & marries then.

LadyMargolotta Wed 21-Nov-12 09:55:17

Are you planning on keeping the dress?

Can you offer to sell it to her for a reasonable price?

Ephiny Wed 21-Nov-12 09:56:56

I didn't see the relevance of what OP's husband earns either, maybe a bit of a stealth boast there!

But she is NBU to say no if she doesn't want to lend the dress, and I do think it's a cheeky request. Tbh I can't imagine asking work colleagues to borrow clothes/personal belongings at all, never mind something as special and expensive as a wedding dress confused.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Wed 21-Nov-12 10:00:03

No!! What if something happened to it?? You may want it for your daughters or anything, there would be no going back if it got ripped, stained, it's a ridiculous request, plenty of people are skint for their wedding, you just manage!! YADNBU

IceCubes Wed 21-Nov-12 10:08:21

OP YAsooooNBU! I would never lend my dress and I would be furious at someone putting me in such an awkward position.

I think it would perhaps be different if Amelia was a close friend, but why on earth would Wendy think that asking to borrow a dress from someone Amelia barely knows to be appropriate?!

If it was me, it would just be a flat 'no' and she would get directed to the Chinese bespoke wedding dress makers on eBay! (I've actually seen some beautiful dresses from those sellers!)

It's not an issue of money, or DH's job! Wedding dresses are entirely personal. The end.

BrevilleTron Wed 21-Nov-12 10:10:58

Just a thought but tell her to try www.wornoncewithlove
I got my dress from there. The ladies are brilliant and clean and alter the dresses. They are ex sample and worn once dresses. Claire Shire-Jones is the lady and has a huge selection. She is in Hagley west mids. Sorry cant seem to link but I would highly recommend her.

dexter73 Wed 21-Nov-12 10:11:28

It's only a dress
It's not though, it is her wedding dress. I have given away all of my dd's baby stuff and the only thing I kept were her first pair of shoes. They are only a tatty old pair of baby shoes but they mean a lot to me so nobody is having them however desperate they are. Lots of people have stuff that has no monetary value or use but they would be gutted to lose.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 21-Nov-12 10:14:12

It depends on how you feel about the dress doesn't it. You choose, there's no need to feel pressured. It's an unusual request but flattering really. She only asked, you have any number of ways available of saying no honestly and politely. YWBVU to tell her to fuck off.

What are you going to do with your dress? Pass it to your daughter (will she want it), sell it, wear it as fancy dress, have it turned into something wearable, eventually realise you have no use for it and give it away when it long past being fashionable, or keep it in a box in the attic for the rest of your life for sentimental reasons?

Any of these is fine of course. People I know have sold an expensive dress straight away, while it was still desirable and one, after being boxed in the attic for a few years was grown away, as my friend wasn't willing to pay for cleaning so as to be able to give it away.

Cleaning is a significant cost, you could spell that out to Wendy. A second hand dress may be cheaper. Also, is it really going to fit well enough? What if wants to have it altered (another cost)?

lottiegarbanzo Wed 21-Nov-12 10:15:53

*thrown away (not grown!, or given)

i think you should not lend her the dress.

yanbu

mumeeee Wed 21-Nov-12 10:28:29

It's not umreasonab,r for her to ask,but you wouldm't be unteasonable to say no. Although I think I would lend mu wedding dress.

sue52 Wed 21-Nov-12 10:42:16

It's totally up to you and you shouldn't feel uncomfortable about refusing to lend the dress. I held on to my wedding dress as I thought my DDs would one day love to wear it for their own wedding. Fashions change and there is no way my girls would wear a 1980s big puffy dress. I wish now I had let it go and given someone else the opportunity to enjoy it.

SoupDragon Wed 21-Nov-12 10:46:55

I would never lend my dress and I would be furious at someone putting me in such an awkward position.

What awkward position? She asked, the OP can just say she doesn't want to. Hardly awkward really and nothing to be furious at. Some people would have been happy to lend it so there's no harm in Wendy having asked.

afterdinnerkiss Wed 21-Nov-12 11:06:00

consider that the dress may not fit her perfectly - if you feel uncomfortable now how would you feel if (with or without your consent) last minute fitting alterations are needed and the borrower pins up/tucks in the dress. perhaps you would not find out, perhaps you would with receive an apology that it was too late to ask you for permission, so they went ahead anyway, hope you don't mind.

plus potential wine and mud stains with a botched removal job. it is too dangerous to borrow what you cannot afford.

Decemberinthesun Wed 21-Nov-12 11:12:20

OP, please do not feel guilty about not wanting to lend your wedding dress. The fact that you didn't instantly snap at her and say no, means that you do have some empathy for her situation. If it was me I wold go to her and say "look, I know that you are struggling financially, however the dress that I wore to my wedding means so much to me and I really do not want to lend it out. I want to keep it for my own kids or convert it to a christening gown". Please tell her this and do not feel guilty about being put in this awkward position.

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 11:18:04

I can't believe the major overreaction on here, it's a dress not the op knickers! It's not rude to ask op can say no, it is rude if se persists after op has sad no

winterhill Wed 21-Nov-12 11:24:52

I am amazed at the over reactions from people here.
MN is truly bonkers.

* I would be furious at being put in an arkward postion*
Bloody Cheek of it

Cheeky as fuck

She asked, you don't want to so you just say no.
There is no need to want to vent or people getting on their high horse or anything. It is a complete non issue as far as I can see.

Somebody asked to borrow my car about 2 months ago. I am happy to lend most things but I said no as it is something I like to keep to myself. No fall out, no drama, the world didn't come off it's axis. I did think 'Fuck Off cheeky cow!' Just said 'I really don't let other people drive my car. Really sorry'

You could try that with the dress.

Say no.

Fair enough if you had actually offered. You don't ask don't get is irrelevant here, they are not haggling at a car boot. This is your wedding dress that you obviously have strong personal ties with. I am not married, but hate lending clothes out as it is, my wardrobe is sort of my sanctuary and I've worked hard for the pieces in it. You are not a bitch for saying no. Maybe offer your help else where if they are struggling that much, but I would just be honest and say its far too personal.

TiggyD Wed 21-Nov-12 11:27:44

The simplest way is usually the best.

Tell her you shat on it.

RyleDup Wed 21-Nov-12 11:34:08

By that argument winterhill, surely your thoughts on someone asking to borrow your car is also a massive over reaction. I would think a virtual stranger had a bloody cheek for asking to borrow my wedding dress, you think your friend is a cheeky cow for asking to borrow your car. Its the same no? Obviously I wouldn't tell someone they had a bloody cheek, I'd just say no. Like most people probably would. A massive over reaction would be telling the woman she has a bloody cheek or a cheeky cow, and finishing that off with a slap smile

RyleDup Wed 21-Nov-12 11:34:30

Tiggy grin

winterhill Wed 21-Nov-12 11:43:10

No Ryle I meant people's responses to the OP were over reactions.
I didn't think my colleague was a cheeky cow or as cheeky as fuck.
I didn't feel the need to vent on MN in frustration or was furious to be put in such an arkward position to use a few quotes.
In fact I didn't think anything of it until I came on to this thread and had to try to think of me being in a similar position and how I would react.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Wed 21-Nov-12 11:44:11

When you say no id make sure you explain about the emotional attachment you have to it, as when I've used 'practical' excuses to say no (for other things, no ones ever asked to borrow my wedding dress!), practical rationales can be argued against & you may find yourself in a debate about it or having to scrabble around for more reasons

Just say 'terribly sorry but I couldn't let anyone else wear it as it has so much emotional meaning for me'

perceptionreality Wed 21-Nov-12 11:46:00

YANBU at all - this is your wedding dress and she has an unbelievable cheek asking you to borrow it. It's only reasonable to ask to borrow something like this if you're a close relation imo.

flowery Wed 21-Nov-12 11:46:56

Sounds like she asked perfectly politely. You are NBU to say no nicely. YABU to feel/behave how your thread title indicates.

quoteunquote Wed 21-Nov-12 11:48:09

Just tell Wendy quietly, "I don't think Amelia should borrow it, as I DH like to relive our wedding night in it often"

I bet they would lose interest.

RyleDup Wed 21-Nov-12 11:52:12

Oh ok Winterkill. I think you must have missed a couple of letters out; did think she was a cheeky cow, instead of didn't. which is why it didn't make sense <to me anyway>. But I could just be tired and confused.

perceptionreality Wed 21-Nov-12 11:53:10

'There is something very superior and 'get lost oik' and 'I'm alright Jack' in the tone of what your post that makes me think that YABU anyway.'

I didn't get that from the OP at all, and the 'I'm alright Jacks' of society annoy me the most.

The point here is that this work colleague doesn't seem to understand where boundaries are. People like this make life uncomfortable for others.

sherbetpips Wed 21-Nov-12 11:55:26

I sold mine within weeks after seeing my sister pay to have hers preserved and boxed, then find it in rotted pieces in the loft when she moved house a few years later. What are you keeping it for? I have a strange friend who wears hers for dinner every anniversary......

It is a cheeky request but so what, she uses it has a great day, passes it to someone else they have a great day.... Or it sits in the loft and no-one looks at it again. Pay it forward I say and ask her to pass it to charity after the event.

dexter73 Wed 21-Nov-12 12:00:41

People keep things for sentimental value. I have all my Grandad's medals but I never wear them. They just sit in a box in the cupboard and occasionally I look at them. I keep them because they are special to me.

winterhill Wed 21-Nov-12 12:04:34

Ah! My fault * ryle* some of my keys keep sticking after eating honey on toast at the keyboard

HairyGrotter Wed 21-Nov-12 12:16:44

Ooo sherbetpips, are you ever invited to see your friend sat in her wedding dress during dinner each anniversary? I'd love that, quite mad, but quite brilliant.

Wish I wanted to marry now, I'd do that, and I'd make my hair look crazier each year.

YANBU if you don't wish to lend it out, Wendy was polite enough, just say no.

Haughtyculture Wed 21-Nov-12 12:25:50

I think she was being a bit cheeky too. I really don't like it when people that are on a low income have some sort of chip on their shoulder and seem to think that others should subsidise them in life, purely because they are 'better off financially'.

There are lots of things we would all like in life, but we don't just go up to the nearest person with more/better stuff than us and ask them! Would it be acceptable to go up to someone with a bigger house and ask if you could borrow their house as you can't afford anything bigger than you currently have? Or to walk up to someone with a Gucci handbag and ask if you can borrow it as you only have a Primark bag and can't afford better? No! People should cut their cloth accordingly.

Weddings can be done very cheaply. You can get a wedding dress on Ebay or from the nearly new page of a local paper for £50 or so, or even less at a charity shop. Why the heck should the OP have to provide her dress free of charge to the woman's daughter just because the OP and her DH have a high income?

perceptionreality Wed 21-Nov-12 12:28:25

'I have a strange friend who wears hers for dinner every anniversary......'

grin

DeWe Wed 21-Nov-12 12:32:11

I think it depends on how she asked whether it was cheeky.

If it was "Oh we were looking at your pictures on fb and thought your dress was absolutely gorgeous and just wondered if you'd be willing to lend it if we had it dry cleaned/paid rental..." type of thing. Then they're asking nicely, knowing that it's a huge favour, and won't be upset by you saying no.

If it was "You need to bring your wedding dress in tomorrow because Amelia wants to wear it for her wedding" then it's cheeky.

I think it's a bit cheeky anyway asking to borrow a dress that presumably was £500+ without offering anything. If you were happy to lend it free, you could say "don't worry" anyway.

I'm usually happy to lend anything I've got not in current use. But I'm not sure I'd want to lend my wedding dress. Sounds strange to me now I've written that down, but it would be a hard decision, even for a close friend. It's at my parents' house so I couldn't anyway.

I think I'd make excuse-"when's the wedding?" "being already lent out at that time" "mouse has chewed a hole in the front" "just found out dm has offered it to someone, and as she paid for it..."

YANBU thats really odd. She could get one on ebay, mine was really lovely from an ebay seller and was only £30

Haughtyculture Wed 21-Nov-12 12:34:04

I've just looked on Ebay at auctions on wedding dresses about to end soon; some are ending at as little as £7! £7! yet the woman's mum thinks she can ask someone for a freebie!

LettyAshton Wed 21-Nov-12 12:38:29

My mother had a lovely wedding dress. Whilst she was on her honeymoon (Bournemouth boarding house!) her mother lent it to a neighbour's daughter. My mother returned to find it dirty and with huge yellow armpit stains. She was still unhappy about this 50 years later!

Tiggy grin !

Surely honesty is the best policy here?

"I am really sorry, but my dress has a huge sentimental value to me, and I wouldn't be happy to lend it to anyone."

2rebecca Wed 21-Nov-12 12:45:35

I would just say "sorry but my wedding dress has sentimental value for me so I wouldn't lend it out in case it got damaged"
I think they have a cheek asking, to me asking to "borrow" a wedding dress is a huge favour to ask and not something you ask a casual friend whose wedding you didn't even attend.
Does this woman have a poor understanding of friendship boundaries/ social norms otherwise?

notwoo Wed 21-Nov-12 12:52:13

Honestly? I'd be flattered and happy for it to get another use.

But i'd request that it was dry cleaned before and afterwards and, as others have said, that would be as expensive as buying her own, cheaper dress.

LimburgseVlaai Wed 21-Nov-12 13:01:23

I wouldn't lie about it ("it's been ripped/stained/whatever"); I would just tell the truth: sorry it's of sentimental value to me.

I wouldn't lend my wedding dress to anyone other than my DDs, even though it was not expensive and even though it stinks of mothballs having hung in my in-law's cupboard for the past several years.

BarbecuedBillygoats Wed 21-Nov-12 13:01:35

I would feel odd is someone borrowed my dress and then their marriage failed

Weird odd and illogical I know but I wouldn't like it

RooneyMara Wed 21-Nov-12 13:13:04

Someone asked to borrow something of ours months ago, and I struggled to think of a good reason why they couldn't. It was just this - sentimental value - and the fact I knew they would not treat it with any respect, and if it were damaged, they would say 'big deal - it was old anyway' and I'd have lost it and hate them forever.

I found a good excuse in the end. And they laughed when I said I'd rather buy them a new one myself, than move all the crap that was on top of it in the cupboard smile

I helped them with the one they got from ebay, it was all fine. Usually a good enough excuse will come to you. You just have not to panic.

RooneyMara Wed 21-Nov-12 13:14:17

Actually I found the one on ebay FOR them - and it was well cheap.

Say no but make up for it in some other way so they don't feel like you're a rubbish friend. Not that you are, but yswim.

Nanny0gg Wed 21-Nov-12 13:29:47

She's not a close friend or family and there is no way they could guarantee that it would come back in the same way it arrived.

No way!!

charlmarascoxo Wed 21-Nov-12 13:29:57

Well I told the truth, that I'm very sorry but the dress is really special to me and I wouldn't feel comfortable lending it to someone. But I told her about the websites some of you suggested and said I would be happy to help out in any other way.

Wendy was fine about this and said she understood.

I check my Facebook during my break and see that Wendy's status is - "You're so self centered you don't even notice those you deem below you"

.... No idea if thats aimed at me or not.

dexter73 Wed 21-Nov-12 13:36:33

Seems like a bit of coincidence, but give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you should 'like' her comment wink

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Wed 21-Nov-12 13:37:21

Oh no!! Surely not, you were really kind to her,it is understandable, don't think that status was for you, could have been anything, I hate it when people do that BTW

bishboschone Wed 21-Nov-12 13:39:14

Don't lend it to her ! I'm a dry cleaner and I have seen the state some people get their dresses in and it isn't always fixable ! Also it can cost up to £150 to get it cleaned , are they going to find that money or will you be forever waiting for it . N. n My sister runs a charity shop and there are loads donated all the time . Tell her to go in and ask as often they are upstairs . Cheeky mare wants a expensive dress for nothing .. So rude to even ask but if she asked the way you have worded it then even more shocked!!

RooneyMara Wed 21-Nov-12 14:10:13

I doubt it is about you at all, but if it is, it's undeserved and very passive aggressive and she's a complete cow.

Either way I wouldn't worry about it.

GiveMummyTheWhizzer Wed 21-Nov-12 14:15:39

YA SOOOOOOO NBU!!! Tell her to sod off!

WeAreEternal Wed 21-Nov-12 14:28:06

I would probably lend it to a close friend or a close family member but not a random colleagues daughter.

You were totally not being unreasonable to say no and I am sure they understood that.

And I think the comments about you showing off about your DH's income are rude and unnecessary.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Wed 21-Nov-12 14:57:19

Of course you are not being unreasonable. It's special to you and why would you want to run the risk of it getting ruined. I have a wedding dress that she could have for a small fee (providing we are the same size, height etc. Was v expensive and is really beautiful) and as I'm not married any more means nothing to me - was thinking of selling on ebay. PM me if you want.

2rebecca Wed 21-Nov-12 14:58:34

I doubt the remark is about you but the fact that she would put something like that as her status report marks her down as a nutter in my opinion and someone you wouldn't want to lend a special item to.
I'd probably block her feed so I can't see it and defriend her in a month or 2.

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember Wed 21-Nov-12 15:02:16

ffs I don't get the vitriol on this thread. She asked, you said no.

But why is everyone so dismissive and rude about her asking? There are lots of people who would be happy to lend a dress. After all, most people only wear them once.

And as for "stalking on Facebook" - they were looking at wedding photographs and admiring the op. Is that also a sin?

ShShShSh Wed 21-Nov-12 15:04:59

Some many people here have said "it's not rude to ask". I disagree. I think it is really rude and strange to ask someone that is just a work colleague to lend your wedding dress (or any other dress or personal item) to their daughter! It is really really cheeky.

I suspect though, that many of those who have said it is not rude to ask, would make simliar requests themselves.

And it is absolutely fine to not want to lend something just because it has sentimental value. Why should the OP care about Wendy's daughter? She doesn't even know her?? She barely has a relationship with her mother!

Jusfloatingby Wed 21-Nov-12 15:14:59

If you don't want to lend it I would just say you can't find it...DH says he definitely put it up in the attic when you moved ... But its not up there, you've searched...... etc etc etc

I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation. I know people have fond dreams of their dd wearing it some day but seriously, in reality, how many people do you know who got married in their mother's wedding dress? I don't know anybody.

flowery Wed 21-Nov-12 15:27:30

I wouldn't ask. But I don't think Wendy asked rudely, and the OP hasn't said anything to suggest she 'barely has a relationship' with her, which is a bit of a strange assumption given they are friends on Facebook.

A little unusual to ask in the circumstances, and not something I would do, nothing wrong with refusing but something uncharitable about some of the outraged responses here I think.

2rebecca Wed 21-Nov-12 15:28:04

I wonder if the daughter even knows her mum asked about the dress. I can't imagine asking my mum to ask one of her colleagues who I have never met if I can borrow her wedding dress.
Perhaps the daughter casually said "that's nice" when looking at pictures with her mum on facebook and has no idea her mum is trying to borrow the dress.

specialsubject Wed 21-Nov-12 15:29:41

I think it doesn't matter that it is a wedding dress, but it DOES matter that it is a very special item to you and therefore you should not lend it to her. One trip, one spill and that will be it.

the answer is 'sorry, but no'.

charlmarascoxo Wed 21-Nov-12 15:37:41

"And as for "stalking on Facebook" - they were looking at wedding photographs and admiring the op. Is that also a sin?"

I'm not sure if this is aimed at me? But if it is then I'll address it. - I've never used the word stalking and I also have no problem with them looking at my photos. I only mentioned it because it was relevant seeing as neither were invited to the wedding.

"the OP hasn't said anything to suggest she 'barely has a relationship' with her, which is a bit of a strange assumption given they are friends on Facebook."

I've worked with her for a couple of years, if we ever see each other outside of work its only as work social thing such as the Christmas party/leaving dos etc.

We are friends on Facebook but whilst my Facebook is private I generally don't mind accepting people who I know in real life it doesn't mean we are close friends.

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember Wed 21-Nov-12 15:43:03

No it wasn't addressed at you charl - none of my post was. In fact apart from the f off comment in the heading your posts have all been very reasonable. It was addressed at all the posters who seem to be jumping on the bandwagon and calling her all sorts of names for just asking.

I don't see anything wrong with asking, especially as she asked politely in a "would you mind" kind of way. And I don't think it's the same as asking to borrow a designer dress, or shoes, or jewellery, or a car (as people have suggested) because you would use those things if you have them. A lot of wedding dresses are shoved in the attic and only taken out twenty years later to be dumped.

tooshorttonotice Wed 21-Nov-12 15:44:28

If she asked to borrow your knickers you wouldn't say yes? Wedding dress is far too personal to lend out.

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember Wed 21-Nov-12 15:46:39

But I wear my knickers, tooshort grin. I'd be happy to lend my wedding dress. I'm sure other people would too - how else would all the dresses end up on ebay and in charity shops?

The op doesn't want to, so has said know, which is perfectly reasonable. But I still don't think that it was unreasonable to ask.

2rebecca Wed 21-Nov-12 15:48:50

I called her a nutter, but that was because of her facebook status report.
I do think asking to borrow a wedding dress from a work colleague for your daughter who doesn't even know the work colleague is odd though. It isn't something I would do as i can imagine that many women have sentimental attachment to their wedding dresses but also many women don't like to appear mean and find saying no difficult.
To me asking something like this shows a bit of a lack of empathy.

Katisha Wed 21-Nov-12 16:59:53

If it were me I might message her on FB or indeed ask her in person who her status update refers to saying you hope it isn't you in the light of your previous conversation.

Witchesbrewandbiscuits Wed 21-Nov-12 17:11:45

Does she want my dress? She's more than welcome.

I don't think you are being unreasonable though but you need to tell her where she stands. Just say you are saving it for when you renew your vows but this is the designer and style number, let me help you find one cheap smile

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Wed 21-Nov-12 17:39:26

eeeeeeeeeeuw at the message, though. i hope it wasn't aimed at you. tbh i'd PM her and ask her. if it wasn't, she'll be fine, if it was, she'll say it wasn't anyway and you'll at least have put the wind up her a bit.

mind you, i hate passive aggressive FB messages like that, and tend to defriend people immediately if they post them.

You were not BU but that status is shitty of her. If her daughter can't afford the dress of her dreams that's tough, she can save up like we all have to. It's not your problem OP

MonaLotte Wed 21-Nov-12 17:44:20

The words brass and neck spring to mind! YANBU!

suburbandream Wed 21-Nov-12 17:53:27

If they are struggling financially, should they be planning a wedding right now? My wedding cost £1000 in total and my dress was £50 but I still wouldn't lend it to anyone because it's my wedding dress!! I think a lot of people would be sentimental about their wedding dress regardless of the cost and I wouldn't ever have the nerve to ask to borrow someone else's - I'd be so worried about something happening to it I wouldn't be able to enjoy the day!!!

HilaryClinton Wed 21-Nov-12 17:58:20

Also think you like the fb status

mamij Wed 21-Nov-12 19:31:08

marchwillbeheresoon thanks. I did wonder about the stalking comments as I wasn't sure where people picked up "stalked" from!

mamij Wed 21-Nov-12 19:35:58

Not sure what her fb means though. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, you are work colleagues and have to see each other every day. Don't really want to fall out over a "no" to borrowing a wedding dress and a fb status that may or may not be aimed at you.

charlmarascoxo Wed 21-Nov-12 21:02:55

It gets worse, her daughter has messaged me on Facebook saying that her mum has let her know its a no but if I happen to change my mind could I let her know asap and if I still had my bridesmaid dresses would she be able to perhaps have them, or she's quite happy to pay £10 for the 3 of them?

Erm .....

dexter73 Wed 21-Nov-12 21:04:20

oh dear!

£10 for 3 bridesmaid dresses?!! If She can't afford the dresses then she should have less bridesmaids, or get them to wear their own dresses.

Plenty of people manage to get married on a budget or wait until they can afford confused

(I still want to know what your dress was like though) smile

charlmarascoxo Wed 21-Nov-12 21:11:02

I'd post a photo but I'm not sure how to?

Katisha Wed 21-Nov-12 21:35:10

£10 for 3? This is just bizarre. Anyway presumably the bridesmaids have their dresses not you?

bishboschone Wed 21-Nov-12 21:38:04

Omg , you have to laugh at her cheek though !!

SpicyPear Wed 21-Nov-12 21:40:06

Errr. This just gets weirder. On what planet would that message be deemed appropriate?!

It seems as if she's been coveting your wedding on FB and wants to emulate it on a budget by using your stuff, when she should just be planning something appropriate to her budget. I got married on a little bit more than a shoestring because we didn't want to wait. It's very doable as long as you don't obsess over other more expensive weddings!

charlmarascoxo Wed 21-Nov-12 21:40:23

Anyway presumably the bridesmaids have their dresses not you?

Yes I wanted them to keep them to do whatever they wanted with them. For all I know the dresses could have been sold ages ago.

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 21:49:38

Her daughter sounds very cheeky. She does not know you and she is asking for bridesmaids dresses hmm. How does sh know they will fit her bridesmaids, and be th ight colour hmm. Just say no you don't you have old them

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 21:50:32

Or that your bridesmaid have kept them like normally happens

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Wed 21-Nov-12 21:57:48

They are odd.

shock

Beamur Wed 21-Nov-12 21:59:06

£10 for 3 dresses shock now that is cheeky.

Katisha Wed 21-Nov-12 22:04:43

They certainly seem to have a pretty developed sense of entitlement to your dresses!

LemonBreeland Wed 21-Nov-12 22:17:29

Wow , how ridiculously cheeky. I'd be tempted to message her back and tell her that she is being very rude. shock

Tell her that none of your dresses are available to her, nor will they ever be.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Wed 21-Nov-12 22:26:51

I agree to message back and point out the rudeness. Otherwise, they might continue passive aggressive FB behaviour.

2rebecca Wed 21-Nov-12 22:30:47

I'd just say "sorry it's traditional for bridesmaids to keep their dresses. Hope your wedding goes well"

Bobyan Wed 21-Nov-12 22:36:27

I just wouldn't be able resist buying 3 rank dresses from a charity shop and then give them to her.
On the run up to the wedding keep pressuring asking them to see the photos of your lovely bridesmaids dresses grin

dexter73 Wed 21-Nov-12 22:36:39

Send her a message back saying she missed a couple of zeros from her offer!

GoldenPeppermintCreams Wed 21-Nov-12 23:02:45

You can change your Facebook settings so people who aren't friends with you can't message you.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 21-Nov-12 23:15:47

They both sound like weird cheeky fuckers and I seriously suggest you customise your fb settings so weird mum can't see your posts or just block them both. They both obviously have a massive problem with you saying no and are now being even more unreasonable with their status updates and messaging. I would tell this Wendy twat that you have said what you want to say on the matter as don't want to be bothered with any more messages from her daughter either.

Fucking space invading weirdos!

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 21-Nov-12 23:18:06

Please change your fb settings asap! I can't stand the thought of them invading your page! When is this weird one getting married?!

WilsonFrickett Wed 21-Nov-12 23:24:25

How did I miss this thread? Bonkers, quite bonkers (not you Op). I now have the feeling you'll start getting messages about your last lot of holiday photos 'oh, that dress would go lovely for my honeymoon, can I have it? I'll give you 25p for it.'

10£ for 3???
My mind is boggled shock

jumpingjackhash Wed 21-Nov-12 23:54:04

They're cloning your wedding OP! They'll be asking for your DH next!

jumpingjackhash Wed 21-Nov-12 23:56:10

Fwiw, I feel the same about my wedding dress, nobody else will wear it (unless I have a DD who wants it), it means so much to me and cost me an arm and a leg

'Amelia's' message is just plain rude given you've already said no to Wendy.

PurpleGentian Wed 21-Nov-12 23:56:40

Surely no bride demands that the bridesmaids give the bridesmaid dresses back to the bride after the wedding??? confused
I've never heard of a bridesmaid not keeping her dress.

These people are sounding odder and odder. They'll be asking if you can lend them the wedding car for £10 next.....

RyleDup Wed 21-Nov-12 23:58:17

Crikey. I didn't have bridesmaids because I couldn't afford the dresses as it would have pushed my limited budget too far. My toddler children were kitted out very nicely through ebay for very little money. To ask to pay £10 for 3 bridesmaids dresses is cheeky beyond belief.

Decemberinthesun Thu 22-Nov-12 06:11:47

Do yourself a favour OP. Don't let how well off you are be known in the office. Unfortunately some people think if you have spare cash you should share it around and if you don't then you are up yourself. When I worked in the UK my boss once dropped something off to my flat. After that she made a lot of negative comments about me and how could I afford to live there and a few comments about it's alright for you. We had a nice flat because I was made redundant and had a nice payout and both DH and I had well paid jobs. She was single and living with her mum. She was actually pretty awful to me after that. I would now never tell anyone where I lived, what my car was or anything because people can be really awful if they think you have something they don't and can get nasty if you don't just hand something over to them for free, as you can see from your own experience.

It's time to start telling everyone how skint you are and leave the Mulberry handbag at home wink

musicalendorphins Thu 22-Nov-12 06:18:13

You don't deserve a message about being selfish, I don't think that could be aimed at you.

Oh dear, I've only just come to this thread but you handled it exactly as I would have suggested. Their reaction to that will tell you if you were right not to lend it.

Do not think/worry about it any more.

Tbf she might not know her daughter sent that message. Just reply the bridesmaids kept there dresses.

I wouldn't reply. I'd just block the daughter and not mention it anymore.

This has gone from being a cheeky request to them bring totally and utterly unreasonable.

(Haven't read all 12 pages so forgive me if I'm doubling or tripling what other have said)

Could you say no, it is precious to you and you don't want to lend it, but you will look at the brand and any other identifying info to help them try and find one on ebay.

Actually scratch that.

If reply something like 'as I've already explained to your Mum, anything I have kept from my wedding I have done so because it has great sentimental value. Because of this I'd have to think very hard about loaning such items to a close friend or family member. What on earth makes you think I'd lend them to a stranger?'

And you can't block her because then we'd never get to see her unhinged reply!

Ephiny Thu 22-Nov-12 07:14:53

I am shock at the latest developments.

They sound awful. I would block/defriend them on FB.

diddl Thu 22-Nov-12 07:53:27

She´s certainly persistent!

Tell her you don´t have the bmaid dresses & you won´t change your mind about the dress.

(Wonder what the reply to that will be??!!)

dexter73 Thu 22-Nov-12 07:57:51

Wondering if 'Amelia' will start a thread about how there is another side to the story like piratepartygate!

MrsBucketxx Thu 22-Nov-12 08:07:12

de friend on fb tell her none of my wedding ms are fir or sale/rent so stop asking shock bloody cheek of the woman.

she sounds like she wants your wedding not her own, she'll be asking for menus next

greeneyed Thu 22-Nov-12 08:11:40

Umm I'd say that the facebook message is directed at you, especially after the last text where another poster points out they do feel entitled to your dresses. As they appear to be treating you with contempt I'd not want to add fuel to the fire but to nip this in the bud quite firmly. A text to the daughter saying -I'm afraid I won't change my mind about the wedding dress and I no longer have the bridesmaid dresses - would suffice

carabos Thu 22-Nov-12 09:04:29

shock at this whole scenario. These people are so far over the boundary of normal conduct they're going to need their passports to get back.

IMO they are out and out trying to bully you into handing over your wedding and bridesmaids dresses. They are doing that because they think you have plenty of money so why shouldn't you give them your things - there's no way you would get any of it back.

They don't like you. If they did they wouldn't do this. You are going to find yourself on the receiving end of "she's ruined Amelia's wedding" gossip in the office and this is going to run and run hmm.

scarletforya Thu 22-Nov-12 09:37:10

YADNBU

But Wendy and Amelia are. Unreasonable and extremely RUDE. I'm quite suprised to see that a few people on this thread though 'it was ok to ask'.

IMO it was not ok to ask. OP is a work aquaintance, not a close friend or family member. Asking to borrow something is just about ok if it is a book or maybe tool that would only be used once. But not someone's wedding dress. That is so wrong that if some of you don't know why it's wrong then I can't explain it to you.

It's bad manners, bad etiquette and RUDE, RUDE, RUDE to put someone in the position of having to say no. Wendy and Amelia's debts and money problems are not OP's problem. They sound like a pair of shameless freeloaders.

perceptionreality Thu 22-Nov-12 09:39:06

OMG - I really cannot believe this. As I said earlier, they clearly don't understand the concept of boundaries and sound socially inept. It's best to just ignore it all even though it must be difficult when you work with this person.

I don't think there are many people who seriously believe that because someone is well off they should hand out all their stuff to whoever needs it?! It's plainly ridiculous.

perceptionreality Thu 22-Nov-12 09:42:42

Yes, why is she telling random people about her debts? Has she no pride? Nobody knows anything about my financial situation, I'll never understand people who talk about their money whether positively or negatively...

Pendipidy Thu 22-Nov-12 10:01:08

I am a newbie here, defected from nm and what a revelation it has been! I am loving the fact that everyone can spell and understand irony...

I think that Wendy and amelia obviously have no idea. I would be tempted to reply to her latest request, 'we saved up for a long time to buy things we wanted for our wedding, my dress and bridesmaids dresses cost a lot of money and quite simply ten pounds is a bit insulting'

Having said that, i think that these people are not going to understand any of that, so just say no as zammo sung!

Ps i have racked my brains over what Yanbu could mean and am obviously not bright enough to get it, please someone enlighten me !

sue52 Thu 22-Nov-12 10:02:16

Now Wendy and Amelia are taking the mick. £10 indeed! I thought it was OK for her to ask about the wedding dress but she should have taken the hint when you said no and not just altered the request to the bridemaids dresses.

MerryMarigold Thu 22-Nov-12 10:04:01

YABU. Spread a little kindness FGS!

Katisha Thu 22-Nov-12 10:04:22

Pendipidy welcome!
YABU - You Are Being Unreasonable
YANBU - You Are Not Being Unreasonable

They're off their rockers! Id send her links to where you got your dresses from and leave it at that or tell them both to get fucked

shock

I don't think you have been unreasonable at all! My wedding dress cost £50 and I wouldn't lend it out. Some people attach emotion to certain personal objects, I'm one of them. It doesn't make that person selfish.

As for the daughters message about the bridesmaid dresses? The mind boggles.

Welcome to Mumsnet Pendipidy . I defected from NMs a couple of years ago too.

namechanger4097 Thu 22-Nov-12 11:34:46

Wow. YANBU. They were odd to ask to borrow the wedding dress but in desperate times I would let them off with that and you were gracious in your response. The facebook status is almost certainly aimed at you and is rude. The message from the daughter is probably a pop rather than a serious offer - unless they are 100% unhinged they'd know that 3 x bridesmaids dresses for a tenner is taking the piss. I'd suggest you reply to Amelia to tell her that the bridesmaids kept their dresses and then block her and block Wendy's access to your pictures too. Let us know what they do next - have a feeling Wendy is going to bitch to other jealous colleagues!

Merry , I need to do some Christmas shopping, but it's kind of expensive. I know you're a stranger, but go on, spread a little kindness and lend me a few hundred pounds. I promise you will get it all back...

Pendipidy Thu 22-Nov-12 11:56:25

Thank you katisha.,

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Thu 22-Nov-12 11:58:36

shock I'd block them both and no way would they be getting anything. It doesn't sound as though they'd give it back.

UrbanSpaceManBaby Thu 22-Nov-12 12:05:13

Op can you take a sabbatical until this wedding is over?

'Fess up have you been wearing your wedding dress to work on dress-down Friday?

pigletmania Thu 22-Nov-12 12:38:55

Welcome perendipidy smile what a bloody cheek asking for BM dresses, 10 for 3! shock. Your not a charity. Just tell her that your BM kept them, that a elpful hint, BM dresses are usually 100+

RyleDup Thu 22-Nov-12 13:11:20

Put pictures of yourself on fb doing the gardening in your wedding dress.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 22-Nov-12 13:28:44

OMG this thread just gets better and better shock

Be sure to let us know what you say to Amelia, OP grin

anothercuppaplease Thu 22-Nov-12 14:05:46

Has anyone mentioned OXFAM shop online? They have really beautiful dresses, donated or end of line, all sizes, some are a bit 'vintage' but others look amazing. THey have physical shops or you can order online.

If I was you I would explain that your dress means something special to you and you don't feel comfortable with giving it to someone. I think it's not something you ask, frankly.

anothercuppaplease Thu 22-Nov-12 14:06:08
WilsonFrickett Thu 22-Nov-12 14:30:17

Fess up have you been wearing your wedding dress to work on dress-down Friday?

Brilliant. Utterly brilliant grin

MerryMarigold Thu 22-Nov-12 14:32:36

Wow, good on those people donating their dresses to Oxfam! I'd never heard of this. I will be recommending to friends.

charlmarascoxo Thu 22-Nov-12 14:36:47

Well I replied to her and explained again thats its too sentimental for me to loan but I would be happy to look on eBay for her to see if my dress is on there. I also said that my bridesmaids kept their dresses so I couldn't lend those out either.

- I received a lovely reply of - thanks for nothing you selfish bitch. shock

I said hello to Wendy this morning and all I got was "hmm" back.

shock

Now is the time to change your profile pic to a close up of your dress
Just shows you were right not to lend it

Fucking hell, block them both from Fb and from now on ignore them. Cheeky bloody women! shock

naturalbaby Thu 22-Nov-12 14:39:26

'spread a little kindness' ?? to a woman who pretty much demands to have someone's wedding dress? That is beyond rude. How can anyone expect to be given a wedding dress?

pigletmania Thu 22-Nov-12 14:39:31

Oh my goodness what a nasty pieces of work. Defriend and block immediately. Entitled or what!

And what Severedhead said grin

pigletmania Thu 22-Nov-12 14:40:38

They wanted to use you they can buy teir own flipping dresses what nasty women

CrapBag Thu 22-Nov-12 14:40:46

"thanks for nothing you selfish bitch"

Words utterly fail me! Which is a rarity. Fucking hell!! I would have to reply with something, I'm sure someone will suggest something witty. What a horrible cow.

I would also have to say to her mum something like "would you mind telling your incredibly rude daughter not to contact me on facebook again and you and her have proven me right as to why I wouldn't lend out MY wedding items that I paid good money for." Also defriend and block them both on FB.

JimmysMum1988 Thu 22-Nov-12 14:41:30

Say NO!!! And tell her the truth as to why!!

If she's struggling for money use charity shops, eBay or bootsales ect

pigletmania Thu 22-Nov-12 14:41:39

Any Neal person would be completely undersading

pigletmania Thu 22-Nov-12 14:41:54

Normal doh

Spuddybean Thu 22-Nov-12 14:42:38

delurking just to say shock

scarletforya Thu 22-Nov-12 14:42:58

shock I'm speechless.

jumpingjackhash Thu 22-Nov-12 14:47:24

shock The total nerve of some people is staggering! I honestly am smacked of gob!

What's your working relationship with this woman OP?

TerrorNotSoFrightened Thu 22-Nov-12 14:49:27

My flabber has never been so gasted!

How rude.

Spuddybean Thu 22-Nov-12 14:50:07

i'm afraid i would have to be incredibly unprofessional now and leave a turd in her drawer tell everybody in the office.

namechanger4097 Thu 22-Nov-12 14:56:23

shock shock shock

May I suggest a response? Amelia My, what an unpleasant email and a horrible thing to say when I tried to help. Good luck with scrounging a dress and finding another near-stranger sucker who you can ask for loans from and then insult. I will be blocking you on facebook now to stop the abuse and to stop you from asking where I bought my knickers from (I won't lend them out either, in case your bum smells as bad as your attitude).

Is this woman now likely to badmouth you in the office, OP? Keep everything cool and calm from your side.

namechanger4097 Thu 22-Nov-12 14:57:27

* the last bit might be a bit childish

ExitPursuedByMarieAntoinette Thu 22-Nov-12 14:58:54

Frightfully rude.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

OwlLady Thu 22-Nov-12 15:01:48

I often ride a unicorn round the house, I will let Ameilia borrow it for her wedding if she likes

PoohBearsHole Thu 22-Nov-12 15:02:35

I am shocked! Seriously! If you'd said yes she would have been asking move into your spare room or perhaps some of your DH's sperm in the future!

MrsBungleBear Thu 22-Nov-12 15:09:28

shock at Amelia's latest e mail. The nerve!

GoldenPeppermintCreams Thu 22-Nov-12 15:12:19

This has gone from them being slightly rude (at best) to stalker crazy. ignore them as much as possible. Also give your bosses at work a heads up.

Although I would be tempted to book a trash the dress photo shoot to put on Facebook!

Spuddybean Thu 22-Nov-12 15:16:47

I agree with FryOneFatManic, you should calmly shit in her drawer.

I would have to respond along the lines of namechanger too. Why do people think their wedding trumps everything, even previously adhered to codes of conduct, and everyone should bow to every whim 'because it's MY WEDDING'. It must be some form of mania.

choccychomp Thu 22-Nov-12 15:20:43

op, just a thought, do you think your colleague or her daughter are reading this thread? That might be why they've overreacted. You haven't said anything bad but they might be embarrassed reading about themselves on-line.

choccychomp Thu 22-Nov-12 15:23:54

I have never wanted to get married (female commitment-phobe) but can't believe how cheap & how beautiful some of the 2nd hand dresses are. Surely, they could buy one & re-sell it?

BarbecuedBillygoats Thu 22-Nov-12 15:31:42

Just reply

'And that, my dear, is why!'

SpuddybeanThu 22-Nov-12 15:16:47
I agree with FryOneFatManic, you should calmly shit in her drawer.
grin

I agree with another poster that a discreet heads up to boss at work may help, especially if Wendy decides to bitch behind your back.

Katisha Thu 22-Nov-12 15:34:57

Crikey. How much do you have to work with Wendy? Is it going to be problematic? Might it be worth insisting on having a proper conversation with her before she tries to turn it into a feud?

namechanger4097 Thu 22-Nov-12 15:40:01

Billygoats suggestion is more sensible than mine. Spuddybean is right, weddings seem to turn minor psychopaths into major ones. Hope the office environment isn't too grim OP.

fruityoatybrains Thu 22-Nov-12 15:41:55

shock - gosh how rude. Does "Wendy" know about her daughter's bad attitude? I would have a quiet word with her. Block her daughter though.

naturalbaby Thu 22-Nov-12 15:44:07

Well that behaviour just proves why you are right not to lend the dress. Would they have given it back? What condition would it be in??

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Thu 22-Nov-12 15:44:25

There are some very strange people in the world.

Anyway, yy to giving your manager a heads-up. Make sure you keep the messages saved too because it sounds as though Wendy could turn this very nasty indeed.

What horrible women.

Autumn12 Thu 22-Nov-12 15:46:44

Yikes! I would never lend my Wedding dress let alone to a stranger.

I'm afraid in your situation I would be telling blabbing the story to everyone at work so that they knew exactly what a cheek Wendy and her daughter had. I'd want to get in first in case Wendy spun a different story to portray you in a bad light.

peeriebear Thu 22-Nov-12 15:46:58

Basically she seems to have got it into her head that she ought to be wearing your wedding dress on her big day. Therefore in her mind you're just being mean and unreasonable and SPOILING HER DAY. It probably didn't even occur to her you'd say no.
Looooon.

hortensemancini Thu 22-Nov-12 15:47:42

Would she like your engagement ring as well? A lend of your husband's morning suit for the day? Or, in fact, your husband, if he's better looking than the one she's lined up currently?? Just for the day, mind. Go on, you selfish cow.

charlmarascoxoThu 22-Nov-12 14:36:47
I said hello to Wendy this morning and all I got was "hmm" back.

^^
This

I'm not so sure the mother will be upset at her daughter's attitude, after all the daughter's attitude must come from somewhere close to home.

WilsonFrickett Thu 22-Nov-12 16:05:29

1. Block them both from facebook - they can't see that you've done it.
2. "Wendy, can I have a quiet word. I'm can see Amelia is disappointed that I don't want to lend her my wedding dress, but if she contacts me again to call me a bitch I'll be raising it with management here as its bullying behaviour and as you know, that won't be tolerated in our workplace."

WilsonFrickett Thu 22-Nov-12 16:06:23

3. Make sure everyone knows the whole story.

I was trying for the moral highground there, but I failed.

perceptionreality Thu 22-Nov-12 16:10:43

Wow, that is shocking, OP. If you had lent them the dress, something tells me you wouldn't have got it back!

sue52 Thu 22-Nov-12 16:14:01

Amelia was asking an acquaintence of her mother for a huge favour which was politely refused. She then called the OP a "Selfish" bitch. What a charming young woman.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Thu 22-Nov-12 16:16:38

What Wilson said.

Oblomov Thu 22-Nov-12 16:17:32

Tell her she can have mine. I can't even get rid of mine. Its a nice Alfred Angelo strapless ivory one, couldn't even get rid on e-bay for £10!!

It is very easy for Op to say no. I suspect it was the way in which Wendy 'asked' that is the real problem here.

Oblomov Thu 22-Nov-12 16:19:20

shock at selfish bitch . what a nasty piece of work the dd is !!

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Thu 22-Nov-12 16:23:42

At least you know now that you definitely don't want to be lending these two anything!

I would be tempted to screenshot the message and post it back on my facebook wall for all mutual friends to see.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 22-Nov-12 16:25:22

I think you should have a quiet word with Wendy, tell her about Amelia's message and say, in a concerned way, how utterly taken aback and shocked you are at her incredible rudeness.

I think it's important to demonstrate, politely but as shocked and shaken as you like, what a normal reaction to this sort of behaviour looks like. Wendy may not take it well but that's her problem, walk away. I don't think you should let it pass unremarked. Alerting management may be a reasonable idea, given you have to work with Wendy.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 22-Nov-12 16:40:48

Point is, I think very rude people think that everyone else is as rude as they are. They have a very negative view of the world. You need to demonstrate a normal reaction to show that there is an alternative interpretation. (They'll probably label you a precious, snobby cow or some such, for being upset but god knows what they'll conclude if you don't react.) You need to put the ball back in their court.

Afrodizzywonders Thu 22-Nov-12 16:53:01

Block them of FB and ignore. Keep the messages in case the mother who is probably the same ilk as the daughter starts some malicious banter. When I read this yesterday I thought it was a very cheeky request....just a pair of freeloaders.

TerrorNotSoFrightened Thu 22-Nov-12 16:53:01

You could always just email a copy of this thread to the entire office.
grin

LemonBreeland Thu 22-Nov-12 17:03:06

Wow you really need to say something to Wendy. And also to your superiors. Absolutely appalling behaviour.

perceptionreality Thu 22-Nov-12 17:03:31

I really don't think that any response you could make will cause people who behave like this to see the error of their ways.

I think it really is best to ignore, but certainly to tell your boss what has happened in case this escalates.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Thu 22-Nov-12 18:01:40

You obviously need to confide in one of your colleagues, about Wendys behaviour and her daughters attitude. Just so that they have your side of the story when Wendy decides to start bitching about you.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Thu 22-Nov-12 18:02:15

Yes, and also tell your boss.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 22-Nov-12 18:08:47

I don't think they'll see their error but they need to know that the OP does not see the situation the same way they do and has not been cowed by Amelia's nastiness.

marchwillsoonbehere Thu 22-Nov-12 18:21:44

Am I the only one to be thinking that this thread is getting more and more ridiculous as time goes on, and that the OP may be playing with us? It started off as a mildly surprising/cheeky something for a work colleague to do, developing into a somewhat worse sesne of entitlement on the part of her daught through to totally outrageous behaviour on the part of Amelia.

It may be 100% as described, it may be exaggerated a bit to keep the thread going or it could be that OP is making it up as she goes along? hmm

lollilou Thu 22-Nov-12 18:39:00

I'm a bit hmm about this thread too now. Would a daughter of a work colleague really say that?

charlmarascoxo Thu 22-Nov-12 18:39:56

LOL - welcome to the internet marchwillsoonbehere. That is sadly the risk you take when you are on an online forum.

I've read threads on here that do not ring true to me, but all I do is press the little back arrow and go to another thread. I personally don't dwell on it.

--- For anyone else. Through office gossip (so probably not 100% true) Wendy is in debt because her and her family like to live lavishly etc. Her daughter has very much always got her own way - I've heard that Wendy paid the deposit on her daughters house. However whilst planning the wedding Wendy's partner left her and also left her in huge debt. Only a deposit was paid for the venue and they are trying to pay the rest off rather than lose all the money. The venue I've heard is costing around £16,000? So all the money has gone on that.

I think perhaps it was slightly degrading for A to have to ask me to borrow my dress as I know she would have preferred to have her own. So for me to say no it would have annoyed and angered her.

Wendy did however make me a coffee this afternoon and no more mention of the dress or A. I politely accepted and then quickly poured it down the sink when I knew no one was watching. No taking any chances with spit/snot coffee grin

TheWheelies Thu 22-Nov-12 18:57:07

I'm shock at £16,000 on a venue. What sort of place is it?!

Hopefully you've heard the last of the whole wedding thing. And I would have done the same re the cup of coffee.

marchwillsoonbehere Thu 22-Nov-12 19:09:55

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 22-Nov-12 19:52:21

Gotta say I am with march on this one. If it is so true how come you are not annoyed op? Why haven't you blocked these people from fb? And why haven't you brought up the 'selfish bitch' comment with Wendy?

I hope you haven't made this up but really, if true, why are you not telling us more?

Maryz Thu 22-Nov-12 19:55:10

I simply don't believe she said "thanks for nothing you selfish bitch".

Her mother works with you, no-one is that stupid.

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 22-Nov-12 19:57:12

Is op coming back? I hope I'm wrong as it is so sad to think that some people have nothing better to do than make up
Threads.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 22-Nov-12 20:01:48

And someone actually wants to marry Amelia?!

BrevilleTron Thu 22-Nov-12 20:31:23

How fucking dare she!
Excuse me love but you are NOT the only woman to ever get married. If you can't afford the dress you want even after all the helpful suggestions then bloody well save up for it!
No wonder the OP is disinclined to acquiesce to her request.
I think Amelia should be demoted to a single-cell organism and needs to learn manners
Let your boss know about this as these things have a way of leaking into office politics. Be icily polite you have NOT been unreasonable AT ALL!

ashesgirl Thu 22-Nov-12 20:33:37

It does border on the unbelievable.

mymatemax Thu 22-Nov-12 20:34:59

YANBU but it is nice to be nice you know. What a lovley thing to be able to do for someone , helping make their special day that little bit better.

mymatemax Thu 22-Nov-12 20:36:23

oh, only read the first page before i posted

RyleDup Thu 22-Nov-12 20:54:18

Wow, she sounds unhinged. Put a status on your fb offering to sell your dress for a stupidly low price. And then see if the daughter comes back to you and tries to eat her words.

<bitch emoticon>

Anna1976 Thu 22-Nov-12 21:20:45

re the unbelieving posters - just out of interest - have you really not ever met people like this? You're extremely lucky if you haven't! grin

I used to work with some people so like Wendy (and Amelia) that I'm actually wondering if charlmarascoxo could possibly work for the same place.... but I'd come across people like this before as well. The passive aggressive fb status, the rude pisstaking re bridesmaids' dresses, the extremely rude reply: all ring true to me. Other than the final reply, it's all the kind of thing my mother and sister would get up to. They are real people, they just have absolutely no boundaries, they don't listen to anyone else enough to ever acquire any boundaries, and they are very much self-defined by a lifestyle that my parents can only just afford and my sister can't really afford. My sister is gradually going nuts under the strain... and it is extremely difficult to help her, as the primary problem is that she has no external source of reality, as our parents do their best to shield her from the consequences of her behaviours.

The 16K for a wedding venue (presumably including food) is also entirely within the realms of possibility, particularly if these people really are the sort who feel Life will inevitably imitate Art if they can just set up the Art for one wedding day (that they'll be paying off for the rest of time).

StuntGirl Thu 22-Nov-12 21:51:27

Total bollocks.

charlmarascoxo Thu 22-Nov-12 22:30:57

People can chose not to believe me however why feel the need to comment? Why not just not read my post?

I'm not friends with A on fb. After I got that reply I then proceeded to block her. From what I've heard about her she's not the nicest of people. I'd tell you the stories but its not relevant.

I've heard the venue was 16K, but this is through office gossip. I work in quite a bitchy work environment, so I know that stories do get embellished.

I don't think Wendy knows what her daughter sent me, and I feel it would make it awkward to tell her.

But I've said no, and I'm obviously not going to change my mind. The daughter is blocked and W has not mentioned anything about it all day so as far as I'm concerned its over.

CrapBag Thu 22-Nov-12 22:34:33

I believed you OP.

Glad you have sorted out your end. Personally I would have to let Wendy know what her incredibly rude DD said. If she had any shame she would be embarrassed for introducing the idea in the first place.

Maryz Thu 22-Nov-12 22:42:28

The reason I commented was because I was on this thread earlier.

As the thread has progressed your posts have made you sound very smug and very entitled - I can only hope it's made up, as the alternative is that you are enjoying the fact that her husband has left her horribly in debt and you are pleased she can't afford a nice dress.

Which is why I think you are using the "bitch" comment as justification for that.

2rebecca Thu 22-Nov-12 22:46:09

Agree that this has got increasingly silly, if Amelia and mum are real then in most offices Wendy and her daughter would be pulled up by the OP and workmates for rude behaviour to a colleague as this would be office gossip. I see no reason why it would be awkward to tell a work colleague what her adult daughter said, especially when it's the colleagues fault the daughter is contacting you. It doesn't make sense.

PurpleGentian Thu 22-Nov-12 22:57:26

It could be awkward to tell Wendy what her daughter said.

Depends whether Wendy's a sensible woman, or one who's touchy and quick to hold long term grudges. There's a few people in my office who can be very nasty when crossed, and some of them are very cunning and subtle when it comes to stabbing others in the back.

But from what the OP's said, I don't know which category Wendy falls into. For all I know, she could be perfectly normal and reasonable.

Also, the OP's posts aren't giving me the impression that she's pleased about Wendy & Amelia's financial problems and inability to afford a nice dress.
Although perhaps the OP should avoid talking about her finances and husband's salary in the future, given the reaction it seems to get....

Wheresmypopcorn Thu 22-Nov-12 23:01:18

WTF? Seriously, do they think you will lend your dress to anyone?

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 22-Nov-12 23:19:39

I don't think it is fair to say the op sounds smug, I don't get that impression at all. I do wonder though how you can be so calm and not mention to your colleague her daughter's behaviour - that is why I wondered if this was untrue - and of course weddings can cost 16k and more, I know this from my own wedding and friend's weddings (ooops, that probably sounds 'smug' to some).

charlmarascoxo Thu 22-Nov-12 23:29:51

I honestly don't understand how I sound smug or entitled?

Yes its pretty obvious I shouldn't have mentioned OH's earning. But seriously why would I like the fact that someone is in debt?! That comment has annoyed me. Wow I'm not Mother Theresa but I still hate to see anyone suffer.

I'd love every bride to be happy with the dress she had. However what Amelia wears is irrelevant to me. I don't want to lend her my dress, she will have to find an alternative. I hope she finds one that she likes and can afford.

2rebecca Thu 22-Nov-12 23:33:18

I don't think it would be at all awkward for the OP to tell Wendy what her daughter said, it will be uncomfortable for Wendy to hear it but that is different.
How many women here would not want to know if their child was abusive to a work colleague? I would want to know so I could give them a good bollocking.

RyleDup Thu 22-Nov-12 23:36:53

You don't sound smug. At All. I have a big smug radar going on and my detector tells me you're still in the green. Nowhere near amber and miles away from red. So don't stress yourself.

MonthlyAFIWish Thu 22-Nov-12 23:40:05

OP I believe you.
Sounds like a lovely family,
what wilfred said re maybe giving your manager a heads up.
Sounds like the spoilt brat daughter likes for everyone to see her living the high life and is having the wedding to show everyone that and is now panicing that mummy can't pay. Rather than down scale she is trying to steal (yes steal as it would be clear you wouldn't get anything back) others expensive looking items

Greensleeves Thu 22-Nov-12 23:41:26

I don't think you sound smug or unpleasant at all confused

I have a different attitude to lending wedding dresses from you - to me it wouldn't cost me emotionally to share it, so I would

but there are other things I wouldn't, because their emotional pull for me is stronger. My guitar, for example - I let people play it, but I don't LIKE it. And I wouldn't want to let my fiddle out of my sight either.

I also don't see why people are doubting the veracity of this story. No alarm bells for me. The world is full of fruitloops.

I would put it behind you, you've behaved decently and have nothing to feel bad about. And don't drink any of Wendy's coffee shock

Anna1976 Thu 22-Nov-12 23:57:14

2rebecca - I have no idea if this is relevant as I don't know charlmarascoxo's work environment - but from my experience, where you have a work environment that is stacked with entrenched, long-term inequalities, and where (regardless of reality) "downstairs" can be extremely resentful of perceived behaviours and attitudes "upstairs": this kind of problem arises all the time.

I'm thinking of work environments like hospitals or academic science, where everyone mixes daily with people far above/ far below on the payscale, where your upbringing and early education frequently determine whether you end up a professor/consultant or a bottle-washer. Someone gets married, others think about getting married and copy the ideas they've heard about from colleagues (' mothers)... a 16K wedding in a stately home with a designer wedding dress might be totally feasible for a 35-year-old on the trainee consultant payscale, but would represent decades of debt for the technician working in the same lab.
It's a massive clash of backgrounds, a grotesque demonstration that some people's time really is worth much more than other people's time in the society we live in.

If Wendy has problems with boundaries and a daughter who wants and gets a lot (like a 16K wedding venue that is really unaffordable), possibly because mother has never taught daughter about boundaries, it's conceivable that this could have contributed to Wendy's partner walking out when the tension over wedding expenses all got too much. Then Wendy & co fail to pull their heads in, and deal with the situtation inappropriately. I have seen things like this happen several times among my colleagues and family.

charlmarascoxo could easily be perceived as mistreating Wendy, because Wendy chooses to characterise the problem as being one of class and snobbishness, whereas charlmarascoxo characterises the problem as one of learning career-productive behaviours early and sticking to them, and capitalizing on luck (the DH who works hard and got lucky) while living within one's means.

I don't know if this is relevant - just trying to express symapthy because I have landed in this situation a few times myself where people say "oh you're smug and entitled" when I'm thinking "WTAF - I'm just trying to get on with my own life?" confused

You don't sound smug to me, you handled it well and never drink the coffee again?

Again. Sorry, still can't work my iPad!

I don't think you sound smug either. And I'd actually be very tempted to show Wendy her daughter's message and say that you were having second thoughts and were considering letting her borrow the dress until she sent the offensive message. Too late now though....

charlmarascoxo Fri 23-Nov-12 01:52:27

Well actually I missed out the part where Wendy saw I'd thrown her coffee away and then she decided to throw the rest of her coffee in my face and then hit me over the head with her stapler.

I went home crying into the arms of my OH who dried my eyes with £50 notes. He then promised to make everything better by buying me a diamond saddle for my unicorn. We then had the servants make our lobster dinner.

Later on we heard a noise coming from the attic, I went to investigate and found Amelia in the attic stealing my wedding dress!!!

smile did I take it too far?

Thanks to the people who said that I don't sound smug. I would hate to come across that way so I'm glad not everyone thinks that.

And to the people that don't believe me then fine. I'm not going to bother to convince anyone. I really don't see what else could happen. A is now blocked and as for W I will continue avoiding her coffee. If I told her about what A had said I know it would just get excused by her mother.

I'd rather take the high road and ignore and forget.

pigletmania Fri 23-Nov-12 02:56:37

No op does not Sound smug, why because she does nt want to lenda stranger
(and a horrid one at that) something dear and sentimental to her hmm. Why is it that people are seen as smug if they are doing well, what's wrong with that , should we all be wallowing in woe and pity hmm

CordeliaChase Fri 23-Nov-12 03:10:34

I bought my dress from a charity shop, complete with tiara and veil. I wouldn't lend it to anyone but my closest friend. It's special and sentimental. I'm sure the woman will understand if she politely declines.

Tee2072 Fri 23-Nov-12 05:48:34

Oh honestly, MN sometimes.

Don't you dare be well off or have nice things and mention it. How dare you do well in life?!?!?!

OP, it's your dress. If you don't want to lend it, say no.

Personally I threw mine away, but my dad stepped on the train and ripped it and to me it was just a dress.

HollyMadison Fri 23-Nov-12 06:10:32

I haven't read all 400 replies on this thread but I'm surprised by the ones I have read. I think YABU. I'd love it if someone wanted to borrow my dress. I loved it and it would be lovely if it made someone else happy. I would ask to borrow a wedding dress but if I had the courage to ask a work colleague I didn't know well I would probably do it in a roundabout way with some hinting first.

I would lend it on the agreement that it was properly specialist cleaned before return and not altered. I'd keep in mind that there is a chance it could be permanently affected (I got oil on mine which won't come out) though. But for me, life is too short to worry too much about a possession I'm never going to wear again.

HollyMadison Fri 23-Nov-12 06:14:18

Ok I should have read the whole thread. Ignore me...

trixymalixy Fri 23-Nov-12 07:38:21

Nope, I don't think you sound smug either.

Your work colleague's daughter had some cheek, don't think you'd have got the dress back if you had lent it!

Whocansay Fri 23-Nov-12 08:25:17

OP, as far as I can see you've behaved entirely appropriately and as many have said before me, Wendy has some serious boundary issues. Amelia is a rude, entitled arse.

Can I borrow your Unicorn?

wink

ShiftyFades Fri 23-Nov-12 08:36:33

OP, I believe you. There are people like 'Amelia' out there, sadly I've come across a few and ran in the other direction.

My only concern now is Wendy. Is she in a position to make trouble for you? Even if you think she's not, she may well be of the 'She'll get her just desserts' thinking and may try and cause trouble at work for you.
You mention it's a particularly bitchy office.

I would chat to your line manager (or preferably your 2nd line manager) so they are aware of what's happened, just in case..

Can I borrow your diamond saddle? My Unicorn's Platinum one is just not shiny enough, the servants have tried everything, even Brasso, to clean it....

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Fri 23-Nov-12 10:16:25

i would also flag this to a line manager.

MonthlyAFIWish Fri 23-Nov-12 10:42:47

Think what anna said was interesting.

Can I borrow you unicorn to mate with my gold one to produce diamonds?

CrapBag Fri 23-Nov-12 11:08:42

I love Unicorns, can I borrow it too? grin

You don't sound at all smug, I must have missed that post somewhere confused. I also didn't think for a minute that you were enjoying their debt problems or flaunting your wealth over them. Some people on here never fail to amaze me!!

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Fri 23-Nov-12 11:23:43

I quite fancy wearing a nice tiara for Christmas dinner; reckon the Queen will lend me one of hers? It's not like she hasn't got loads to choose from.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 23-Nov-12 11:51:16

I can't believe so many people haven't come across grasping socially inept horrors like Amelia (not so much Wendy) in real life! They are everywhere.

OP YANBU to say no. I think it's utterly bizarre to ask to borrow somebody's wedding dress. Especially someone you don't know well!

I think you should have a word with your superiors and also...tell everyone in the office before you get tagged as the person who ruined darling brat Amelia's wedding day.

Don't think your superiors can do much about Amelia's messages as she's not employed by them (if she is I missed it) and to be fair to Wendy,she was probably mortified that her dd had behaved like that with one of her colleagues,hence not being very chatty the next day.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 23-Nov-12 11:52:47

I don't think you've come across as smug. You'd have only got flack for "drip feeding" information if you'd mentioned your DH having a good job and so on later in the thread.

charlmarascoxo Fri 23-Nov-12 12:40:33

Maryz it would be nice of you to point out where I have come across smug and entitled.

I don't mind people telling me AIBU, because I'm sure to some its just a dress and one I'm never going to wear again so why not. I also don't mind being called smug or entitled IF the person who called me that can actually back it up.

To those who wish to borrow my unicorn, I may lend him out but only if you promise to continue his diet of golden apples followed by swarovski encrusted sugar lumps.

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 13:13:07

Anna - you get it a lot in private sector as well, I work in an environment where PAs earning what normally would be classed as good money (around £30 - 40k) are working closely with partners and consultants earning at least £150k, most more like 2 - 3x that (plus large bonuses). It gives a warped sense of what is normal to spend on things and what "good" or "ok" looks like.

Also if you have a lot of friends who have done far 'better' than you, the idea of what sort of wedding you should have can be completely divorced from the reality of what you can afford. After our wedding one of my family discribed it as 'posh' and I was rather surprised, but then the year before a lot of DH's friends got married, many of them are very successful and they did do the hiring a stately home/exculsive use of 5* hotel type weddings. I thought ours had been rather simple and we'd made a point of setting a budget we could easily afford, but we spent around £20k, which is far more than anyone else in my family had ever spend on a wedding - in relation to what I'd got used to going to, it really wasn't what I thought of as a posh day. If we wanted to completely 'go for it' we could have easily have spent £16k on a venue and not felt we were doing anything outlandish compared to our friendship group.

perceptionreality Fri 23-Nov-12 13:54:44

I also don't think the OP has appeared smug at any time. And as others have said, there are unfortunately plenty of people like Wendy and Amelia in the world.

mamamibbo Fri 23-Nov-12 15:25:32

"in case your bum smellsas bad as your attitude"
im crying now!

I find it funny that I'm reading this thread next to an advert for wedding dresses grin

gimmecakeandcandy Fri 23-Nov-12 17:47:48

Op I wouldnt bother being bothered about what Maryz said, her plan for baiting has backfired... If anyone sounded smug it was her thinking she could round up others to agree with her! think I have seen that before too

I too think you should talk to your manager.

LadyMargolotta Fri 23-Nov-12 17:56:20

'I find it funny that I'm reading this thread next to an advert for wedding dresses'
that's probably not a co-incidence. Forums and emails get scanned for key words and relevant adverts are shown.

Hydrophilic Fri 23-Nov-12 19:39:15

YANBU, a reasonable person wouldn't have asked you at all. It's a strange question. I wouldn't lend ANY item of clothing to a stranger. People have different opinions on how an item is returned- some people think it is acceptable to not return it at all or return it dirty and ruined, whereas I think it should be returned in the exact same condition it was lent in.

I don't come across as smug, I think they have come across as entitled.

Maryz Fri 23-Nov-12 23:00:46

"I've heard that Wendy paid the deposit on her daughters house. However whilst planning the wedding Wendy's partner left her and also left her in huge debt. Only a deposit was paid for the venue and they are trying to pay the rest off rather than lose all the money. The venue I've heard is costing around £16,000?"

That's where I thought you began to sound not quite so nice. It was as though you were laughing at her husband leaving then in debt sad. That, along with the facetious comment about her spitting in your tea.

And gimmecakeandcandy, I don't expect a gang to agree with me hmm. I post as I see it, I don't mind who agrees or not. The posts on this thread from the beginning have been exceptionally nasty about someone who asked, quite politely, for a favour, because through no fault of her own (her mum's partner) she is suddenly not able to afford the wedding she would have liked.

OTheHugeManatee Fri 23-Nov-12 23:51:19

Maryz - did you miss the bit where the daughter called the OP a selfish bitch? I'm not sure that fits within my scope of 'asking politely'.

pigletmania Sat 24-Nov-12 00:19:22

That does nt sound smug Mary's, she was just stating factual information.

Maryz Sat 24-Nov-12 09:09:14

Yup, OTheHuge.

That's the bit I don't believe.

I'm not having a go at anyone, I just think it's all a bit farfetched, along with the spit in the coffee comment. I'm entitled to do that, aren't I? I would have gone off and left it, only that some fecker accused meof baiting and trying to get a gang together to back me up which is something I have never done confused

DontmindifIdo Sat 24-Nov-12 09:23:58

Maryz - thing is, those facts are important to why they are asking - it clearly is that they were planning a large wedding they could only just afford, and now it's not likely the mum can still cover the costs that she orginally agreed to. That makes it seem more understandable why they are now asking to borrow the dress.

I think you do seem to be the only one who read that as if the OP was laughing at "Wendy" - more that it does explain why the OP understands Wendy isn't in a good financial position to help out her DD to the level she might have previously promised.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 09:25:41

I'm lost!

Why does Amelia want the wedding dress if her partner left her?

Am I missing something?

Ameila's mum Wendy's partner left her. Wendy was paying for the reception, but after the partner left was in financial difficulty.

MerryMarigold Sun 25-Nov-12 22:08:22

Maryz, I'll be in your gang! The OP is selfish, Amelia is right! (although not entirely polite or prudent in pointing it out).

hermioneweasley Sun 25-Nov-12 22:21:49

I have loved this thread.

This is why I love Mumsnet.

<happy>

ProphetOfDoom Sun 25-Nov-12 23:26:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ponyinthepool Mon 26-Nov-12 00:02:40

I haven't managed to read the whole thread so apologies if this has been raised.

It costs the best part of £200 to dryclean a wedding dress. You'd think she'd rather use that to buy her own dress than on cleaning one she'd scrounged? Which would indicate no intention to have it cleaned afterwards.

I feel for the groom.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 28-Nov-12 06:32:17

Any updates op?!

ZillionChocolate Wed 28-Nov-12 08:55:08

OP YANBU. They were cheeky in the first place and A's behaviour since is appalling.

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 11-Dec-12 22:57:59

Update op?!

peaceandlovebunny Tue 11-Dec-12 23:49:46

'no, i don't feel comfortable with that'. or just 'no'.

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