yet another Christmas Day family dilemma - sorry

(37 Posts)

For the last few years we have had a really good arrangement for Christmas. My ILs arrive for breakfast (yes, breakfast!!) at about 8.30, stay until after lunch and then my family (sometimes just my parents, maybe the odd sibling/ cousin in tow) arrive for late afternoon and stay for a buffet tea/ supper and go home at about 9pm. Suits everyone. This year however, my siblings are all going to be home for Christmas (live around the world) for the first time in quite a few years. I woul dlike to invite them to mine for lunch for various reasons, I can't deny that I would LIKE them to come to mine but my main reason is that my mother is getting older and i think it will be too much for her to host 13 people, and I'd rather she was sitting down and enjoying time with her grandchildren (who she hardly ever sees) than running round after everyone and struggling with cooking Christmas lunch on a small cooker. We could then invite my ILs round for breakfast (stay until 12ish) and see them again on Boxing Day. Do you think I would appear rude if I suggested this to my IL's? (We also see them every Christmas Eve until late, which wouldn't change)

CMOTDibbler Tue 20-Nov-12 15:14:58

It sounds very fair to me, and you are v considerate to your mum

MaxPepsi Tue 20-Nov-12 15:15:49

Are the IL's just 2 people?
If so, can they not just join in the whole day with your family?

I don't think it would be UR to speak to your IL's, they might fancy a change themselves?

We go to the IL's on Boxing day, that's the way it's always been in DH's famly as he sometimes has to work xmas day and his sister doesn't live close.

That will have to change at some point though as I want to see my family on boxing day. They will all be invited to our house regardless, up to them if they decide to take umbrage.

LadyInPink Tue 20-Nov-12 15:15:50

If you see your ILs every year for breakfast and lunch then surely one year of only breakfast isn't unreasonable especially if you see them Christmas Eve and Boxing day. Explain that you have a big family and that there's only room for a few people and you'd rather give them quality time on their own. No one who was reasonable could be annoyed with you.

Do it soon as orders for turkeys etc have to be in soon and they'll want to make alternate plans for food if not coming to you.

adeucalione Tue 20-Nov-12 15:16:10

Sounds fine to me; you're essentially just asking ILs to skip lunch with you this year as you have several siblings arriving from abroad and want to give your mother a break. Cooking for 13 is quite enough I think, and your ILs would BVU to object.

LemonBreeland Tue 20-Nov-12 15:16:42

I think if you explain to you ils your reasons for wanting your whole family together, and they are reasonable people, then I don't see why it would be a problem.

DontmindifIdo Tue 20-Nov-12 15:16:58

Sounds fine, you are hosting your family this year you can't have everyone over.

chrome100 Tue 20-Nov-12 15:18:08

Can't your ILs stay for lunch too?

carrotcruncher Tue 20-Nov-12 15:21:35

I think you should make room for the In laws and have a jolly old party it feels a bit mean to kick the out at midday(not very christian like really)

Thing is that my DPs are a bit odd at times and they don't see my ILs as THEIR family. Don't ask! grin. Also they don't really know my family very well, and while I wouldn't mind if we all saw a lot of each other I haven't seen my brother for example for 5 years. It would just be easier if my ILs weren't there. (With my own family as well, there's 20 of us without ILs!!). I just don;t want them feel pushed out/ unwanted especially as things can be a bit tense sometimes between us and things have been going quite well for a few months.

Nancy66 Tue 20-Nov-12 15:23:42

it's not rude but it feels a bit mean.

Should maybe say that ILs live 5 minutes walk up the road, MY side of the family live an hour away

Crinkle77 Tue 20-Nov-12 15:25:14

I am so glad I only have a tiny family and do not have to cope with these dilemmas. I am sure if you explained the situation they would be fine but surely that is up to your husband as they are his relatives

carrotcruncher Tue 20-Nov-12 15:26:06

So why don't you invite the in laws for boxing day instead then and-- feed---- them---- the---- scraps--

carrotcruncher they will no doubt spend the entire day on Boxing Day with us anyway, and I'll cook another full Christmas Dinner (pigs in blankets included grin) all over again.

Some0ne Tue 20-Nov-12 15:30:35

If there are 20 of you then it sounds perfectly reasonable!

My parents don't see the PILs as family either, is that unusual? They barely ever see each other (thankfully as they don't get on) and there's no way I'd combine them at Christmas, it was awkward enough at our wedding!

honeytea Tue 20-Nov-12 15:31:19

I think yanbu but I think it is a little mean not to invite the inlaws, maybe it is time they all got along.

ENormaSnob Tue 20-Nov-12 15:33:59

So you normally see ils Xmas eve, Xmas day and boxing day?

Definitely not unreasonable to want to have your family for lunch for a change.

It does sound a lot when you put it like that ENormaSnob, but yes, we do!

cantspel Tue 20-Nov-12 15:39:52

I couldn't just leave them out if i was doing lunch for 20. Hell i wouldn't even notice 2 more.

If they only live 5 minutes up the road then you could invite them to lunch and use their oven to cook the overflow which they will then bring with them.

ENormaSnob Tue 20-Nov-12 15:39:52

Well it's about time your own family got a sniff in then imo.

Yadnbu

carrotcruncher Tue 20-Nov-12 15:51:23

Justforlaughs do what is best for you and don't feel guilty if the in laws are only going to have beans on toast on that day(only joking) , just forget about it and have a great time with your nearest and dearest , no point stressing yourself out.Have happy crimbo!

Casserole Tue 20-Nov-12 16:24:29

i'd either invite them for Christmas Day lunch as well, or just have them over Boxing Day. I don't think I could kick them out at noon on Christmas Day with the smell of turkey wafting through as I did so!

CaliforniaLeaving Tue 20-Nov-12 17:17:09

I'd just invite teh in laws for lunch too, 2 more won't be that much trouble. If you parents object, tell them to get over themselves they are as much your DC's grandparents as they are. With 20 people in the house it won't be hard for them to avoid each other.

fiftyval Tue 20-Nov-12 22:36:21

Op - sounds like you are doing far too much cooking, doing another Xmas Lunch on Boxing Day - why isn't your DH doing the cooking for his parents ?

squeakytoy Tue 20-Nov-12 23:47:50

I would invite your husbands parents, as at least it gives them the chance to say no if they dont want to be there..

PickledFanjoCat Tue 20-Nov-12 23:51:41

I would ask them personally if its just the two of them.

PuggyMum Tue 20-Nov-12 23:58:55

It sounds to me like you get on really well with the ILs so I'd suggest you talk to them.

Say all your family are coming and ask mil to be your right hand woman so you gey time to catch up with your family or if they'd prefer a quiet lunch you won't be offended.

nokidshere Wed 21-Nov-12 00:52:28

I would just invite them to stay as normal - 2 more isn't going to make any difference. And if they only live 5 mins up the road from you they might leave after lunch of their own accord if they are feeling overwhelmed or unwelcomed by your family.

howdoo Wed 21-Nov-12 02:39:24

Agree - if they are only 5 mins down the road and you already have 20 people, your ILs should def be invited for lunch too and they can leave whenever they decide your family is a nightmare

sleeplessinsuburbia Wed 21-Nov-12 02:54:21

Puggymum is right, I'd do that. Most people would politely decline anyway.

I would explain that you're inviting all your family over and ask them if they would liike to join you, or if they would prefer a quieter meal on Boxing.Day.

ENormaSnob Wed 21-Nov-12 09:04:21

I wouldn't ask them tbh.

They are seeing ils Xmas eve and Xmas morning and boxing day already. The whole Christmas is being monopolised by ils.

Why can't ops family have a few hours with their daughter? She has already said the families don't really mix.

NUFC69 Wed 21-Nov-12 09:18:30

I'm with puggy, too. I would explain the situation about your family being in this country for the first time for years and you're having them round for lunch, say to ILs you are happy for them to come, too, but it's up to them.

I do think that everyone's ILs should make an effort to get on - for the second year running we are going out for afternoon tea on New Year's Day with my DS, DIL, their baby, DIL's parents, my DD, SIL, GS and SIL's parents - we don't see our DC's ILs very often as they don't live close, but it's great to see everybody together once in a while.

Trills Wed 21-Nov-12 09:21:59

Sounds exhausting.

Not just this year, but what you do every year.

PickledFanjoCat Wed 21-Nov-12 09:30:11

Well if you have them all Christmas you can have a peaceful Boxing Day.

Cooking 2 dinners is a lot of hard work!

PuggyMum Wed 21-Nov-12 18:14:45

I didn't get from the op's posts that the IL's are monopolising. It sounds like they all get on well and see each other regularly. I think its a bit harsh to not invite the IL's tbh.

They might not want to be there anyway if the op's family are hard work but surely they will know this already or the op can let them know.

My mil helped me when I had my family round for xmas and when it all went tits up cos they were so late (and half cut as they'd been the pub) the soup had evaporated, DH had to take the dogs out for fear of losing his temper and I was crying over the turkey it was mil who supported me as she was forewarned something would go wrong!

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