to be unexcited by overseas Aunt & Uncle visiting and pull a sickie?

(36 Posts)
ListenUpIdBeAGreatLifeCoachMe Tue 20-Nov-12 12:55:25

My mother has spent the last 3 weeks cleaning her house because my dads brother and wife are on a rare vist to the UK. (DM found a stray spider on Monday, OMG! What would the visitors have thought if they'd seen that)

They are all coming to my house tomorrow to see my house and my children. I doubt the Aunt & Uncle give a flying fuck really but my mum will be fluttering round playing happy families. It will all be a bit judgy and I have n't seen these relatives for ten years.

I have just tidied up a bit but this place is never going to shine. To be honest I've been more motivated to clean for a 5 year old coming round.

AIBU if I pull a sickie tomorrow morning?

squeakytoy Tue 20-Nov-12 12:57:55

you dont like family then?

BegoniaBampot Tue 20-Nov-12 13:02:18

We've travelled over 400 miles with young kids to visit close family. Their cousin who my young children were excited to see couldn't even drag themselves out of bed to say hello when we were sat downstairs having a cup of tea. We might catch them next year when we visit if they can be bothered then. Do what you want, it all sounds very charming.

justmyview Tue 20-Nov-12 13:03:36

They're making the effort to come and visit you. Surely you could offer them a cup of tea and a shop bought biscuit. Is that really so hard?

mrsscoob Tue 20-Nov-12 13:05:30

YABU you should have never agreed to it in the first place if you didn't want them to come. Its too late to back out now. Grin and bear it and let them take you as they find you

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Tue 20-Nov-12 13:09:38

YABU don't be such a misery!

MaxPepsi Tue 20-Nov-12 13:11:25

It obviously means a lot to your mum so can you not make the effort for her if not your visiting Aunt and Uncle?

kinkyfuckery Tue 20-Nov-12 13:12:55

YABU

sue52 Tue 20-Nov-12 13:15:27

It means a lot to your mum so play along for her sake. Who knows, you might even enjoy their visit.

" It will all be a bit judgy"
Who will be judgy? Of what?

You seem to be reacting negatively to your mother's excitement. Is there any background to that?

PanickingIdiot Tue 20-Nov-12 13:16:44

Overseas aunt here.

I don't blame you for being unexcited. I'm unexcited about dragging my arse halfway through the continent for the sake of a visit that will also be a bit judgey and uninspiring.

But the others are right, make a bit of an effort for the family peace and get on with it. If nothing else, you could bond over taking the piss out of them once they've left.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 20-Nov-12 13:19:08

It's up to you whether you tidy up or not but you need to welcome the relatives warmly tomorrow morning because you've agreed and your mum will be upset otherwise and it's the right thing to do.

ListenUpIdBeAGreatLifeCoachMe Tue 20-Nov-12 13:22:17

I know I'm being unreasonable, I probably last saw them at my wedding when they complained about not being a sufficiently 'central' table - there were no named place settings, it was a free for all for everyone even the bride & groom.

I suspect them wittering in my parents ear encouraged their sense of dis satisfaction over the whole affair.

I like some cousins that I hero worshipped as a child, some of DHs relatives are good company.

I'm just gonna have to grin & bear it are n't I?
Do any of you find some of your rels just a bit meh?

NamingOfParts Tue 20-Nov-12 13:23:33

YANBU

The difficulty with these sorts of visits is the degrees of separation. For your DM this is her BiL. For you it is your Dad's brother and his wife. There is a degree of separation extra plus also a generational separation as well. Add to that that for you there has been no contact for 10 years then you will quite possibly struggle to even recognise them.

Dont worry, I get this all the time from my DM.

Tidy up a little bit (for your own pride's sake). Then when they come round offer a cup of tea and nod and smile.

PanickingIdiot Tue 20-Nov-12 13:24:12

I appreciate that my relatives are just a bit meh, as opposed to full-on mental.

They are quite nice, actually. I'm just not really a family person.

Pancakeflipper Tue 20-Nov-12 13:24:43

It's only for a few hours. Drink the positivity juice and make your mum happy she'll be very proud of you, she wants to show you off .

We have relatives around the world who make whirlwind visits to see us and there's such a build up that I have been a bit grumbly. And the visits can be a bit fake. But with hindsight and all that I am glad I towed the family line.

Jusfloatingby Tue 20-Nov-12 13:28:43

YABU. Its obviously important to your Mum and how much trouble is it really to hoover the place and buy a cake/make some sandwiches or whatever.
Why is it going to be judgey? Do you think they're coming around to comment on your furniture and how much weight you've put on and how badly behaved your kids are?? Maybe your dad's brother is just interested to meet up again with family members he rarely gets to see.

nochipsthanks Tue 20-Nov-12 13:42:00

It might be that they do not particularly want to spend their rare trips home visiting you either! I am from another country, and when I go home with the Dcs my DM drags me/us around doing all the family visits and visit to her friends, like we are performing seals. TBH, i hate it, because I also have relatives i feel a bit meh about. (including an aunt who used to verbally abuse me from when i was very little as being 'above myself' - mainly because she hated my Dfather and took it out on me. Very warped family actually).

DM also wants to play happy families. It is her fantasy, not mine, and I usually go along with it as it keeps her happy, but it makes me feel a bit ill at times. I had to put my foot down though the time DC3 was admitted to hospital with dehydration and when we were sitting next to him and he was on a drip, DM brightly exclaimed 'oh, now we are not doing anything, ti is a perfect time to ring {great aunt} and tell her you are here!'. Um, not it is not.

So, i am sympathetic. YANBU to not want them to visit. But YMightBU to not make the effort for your mum.

ListenUpIdBeAGreatLifeCoachMe Tue 20-Nov-12 13:58:43

DM brightly exclaimed 'oh, now we are not doing anything, ti is a perfect time to.... that is so my mother!

My mothers over excitement combined with the guilt I feel that I'm not excited. Have lead to a house cleaning stupor.

My mother actually, out of the blue, paid some money into my bank account 'towards lunch'. So no pressure there then hmm

nochipsthanks Tue 20-Nov-12 14:18:45

Actually, I do really understand where you are coming from!

Would anyone look at you strangely if you got merrily tipsy? I find that helps me with family!

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems Tue 20-Nov-12 14:19:09

Lets face it, it's only going to be a few hours out of your life and they're family. Buck up, smile and be nice wink

We are having relatives from overseas over for a week. I'll be all smiles, cheerful, do the tourist things, drive them places etc. It will also be the first time I'll meet the woman my uncle left my aunt for and her DC before they get married

redexpat Tue 20-Nov-12 14:36:31

Is it the fact that these people are coming to visit you, or is it that your mother is piling on the pressure?

Just clean the bathroom and make sure that there is tea, coffee and cake. Everything else is by the by.

I suppose I should just cancel my trip to Australia then, I'm sure after not seeing me for six years my relatives don't really want to see me either.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but how is a couple of hours kindness really going to hurt you. I didn't even meet half my family until my mid twenties, I am sure some of my cousins couldn't have cared less but still made the effort to meet me when I visited my aunt for the first time after moving to the UK.

My dad and his brother were not even talking but my aunt and uncle still expected me to visit them Aberdeen as they new I was in the UK, so happy I did, not that my dad was happy about it, they were my family and sometimes its nice to make an effort even if you don't really want to.

3bunnies Tue 20-Nov-12 20:06:12

Maybe if your mother paid money in for lunch she is intending that you go to that nice little cafe in the park, have a light lunch there then go for a wander and look at the autumn colours?

ListenUpIdBeAGreatLifeCoachMe Tue 20-Nov-12 20:22:53

Sorry goodiegoodieyumyum sad, I'm sure your relatives are much nicer then me.

Why am I not looking forward to tomorrow?
Although we're civilised, my mother has ocd standards. She will at one point spot a cobweb, sniff and apologise on my behalf.
I'm probably a better cook then my mother who basically buys up M&S for visitors but has got multiple dish/microwave thing down perfect. If I serve up for eg couscous as a side this will be taken as a novelty vegetarian item served mearly to annoy them. They will pick around a fairly normal meal, then stop off at a Harvester on the way home.
My Dad will point out all the DIY things we need to finish
For the benefit of the visitors my DCs will be the focus of a lot of performance grandparenting.

i feel guilty for not enjoying the company of my blood relatives and there will be a lot of back handed compliments.

NamingOfParts Tue 20-Nov-12 20:23:36

I do so get the performing seals thing

The problem for us is that everything is translated through DM/MiL's Happy Families Translation App.

I get told that a relative is visiting DM and my 'that's nice' is translated in DM's head to 'oh, I really do want to meet them again especially as I havent seen them since my christening'.

Of course it is done in reverse as well so that relative then thinks that we are desperate to see them.

Make tea and have an unavoidable appointment to go to when the conversation starts to flag.

MrsHoarder Tue 20-Nov-12 20:28:45

Surely if they're out of the UK they muss chip shop chips, that's what you need the money for.

ListenUpIdBeAGreatLifeCoachMe Tue 20-Nov-12 20:40:27

NamingOfParts my mum has certainly got that app. The last visitors, who desperately wanted to go to the Eden Project, got dragged over here because my mum had fabricated in her head that my house was a worthy rival. As we sat here, in a cold house looking out of the window at the drizzle,flicking thru my Tim Smit book discussing the brilliance of the pastys and the season tickets, my mother maintained a perfect poker face.

giveitago Tue 20-Nov-12 20:43:03

Mrs Hoarder - they might be out of the UK but not from the UK so may honestly not miss shop chips. I'm from the UK and was out of the Uk and certainly didn't miss shop chips (if you mean chip shops).

I have plenty of family and ils out of the UK - regardless of whether they are out or never in I also don't really relish the hassle but just go along with it if it's only for a day.

But I'm certainly not waiting for them like I've been waiting all my life for a blessed visit.

MrsHoarder Tue 20-Nov-12 21:13:22

Sorry I was making a lighthearted comment about what to do with the money supplied. I was just suggesting that its something that could be done which isn't lots of effort and stress.

McChristmasPants2012 Tue 20-Nov-12 21:48:22

I really don't care how long someone has travelled, I will not put up with rude guests that comment and judgy comments and my DC are not a toy to be made to preform for relatives

You come to see me and not my house and judge me.

ListenUpIdBeAGreatLifeCoachMe Thu 22-Nov-12 09:42:36

Update I did n't pull a sickie. Although tempted by presenting em with two, portions of chips, an oap special and half a dozen pea fritters went for buffet style chicken, small roasties and numerous salads.

We will know be eating numerous salads for the rest of the week.

The weather was ok, so we managed to get out for a walk which makes thing so much easier. The girls were entertaining and entertained. My dad did n't get to huffy about his brother teasing him. Restrained performance grandparenting. I restricted the visit to 11.45 to 5.00 which was enough.

Lesson learnt:entertaining so much easier when weather ok and DCs are 7&5.
Thinks back and rocks backwards and forwards to previous oversea visit. Torrential rain, 10.30 to 6.00, baby & toddler stage, Great aunt with mobility issues in semi derelict building site that was our home, my mum glowing brightly with judgy wit-isms. Dad sulking due to lack of cream with dessert.

overseas visitors, I'll not dread look forward to seeing you again and the DDs are going to send you a xmas card.

echt Thu 22-Nov-12 09:54:26

Look on it as payback for when your DCs need somewhere to crash on their gap year.

egusta Thu 22-Nov-12 09:58:31

That is a nice update OP. Glad it went well. smile

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Thu 22-Nov-12 10:12:31

smile

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