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to be so annoyed about comment on babys skin colour

(120 Posts)
Lia87 Tue 20-Nov-12 12:10:50

my baby is still quite jaundice. however an old woman in the doctors earlier found it necessary to say out of the blue "she's mixed race then?", with quite a condesending tone, to which i replied "no" then she felt the need to say "oh. she's got such dark hair as well though, is her dad british?" this was without any prior conversation at all

i just thought that was completely rude and nothing to do with her, for a start, why does it even matter what race she is? and to then question it again after i've said no was rediculous, i didn't bother to explain she's jaundice, as i don't think its got anything to do with her!

am i being unreasonable and over grumpy or am i right in thinking thats not the kind of question you ask people

kinkyfuckery Tue 20-Nov-12 12:12:13

Welcome to being a parent, a world where you will face many, many inappropriate comments. Don't take them all so seriously.

strumpetpumpkin Tue 20-Nov-12 12:13:12

some people love a racist icebreaker with strangers. Its rude and moronic.

I got the taxi to the dentist the other day and my taxi drivers lovely icebreaker was to ask me whether my dentist was english :|

what relevence or interest that would have to any normal person, im not sure?

MammaTJ Tue 20-Nov-12 12:13:59

I have a friend who is mixed race. She has three DC with her white husband. The funiest thing is, she has a friend who keeps commenting on her middle child and how light she is. She says she could understand it if her husband were the mixed race parent, but she very clearly gave birth to her, so there is no doubt who her mother is. hmm

Clearly you have met a random racist!! YANBU!!

RichTeas Tue 20-Nov-12 12:15:32

It sounds a bit odd, are you sure she wasn't barking?

TheDreadedFoosa Tue 20-Nov-12 12:15:57

I dont mind nosiness, and i probably feel a tad more uncomfortable at he idea that 'thats not the kind of question you ask people'.

She could genuinely have no negative thoughts about mixed race children, hence having no qualms idly chatting about it?

I dont know, it would take more for me to think badly about some old woman making conversation.

RichTeas Tue 20-Nov-12 12:17:19

Strumpet, maybe he was American and you have bad teeth? Sorry, just joking. smile It is a moronic question to be sure.

RichTeas Tue 20-Nov-12 12:20:03

Skin colour or racial features shouldn't be a taboo subject. Being too hushed up about it (in a politically correct way) causes more problems than it solves. We should be able to talk about racial features in the same was we talk about hair colour or eye colour, because that's what racial features are, just superficial physical variation.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Tue 20-Nov-12 12:21:01

YANBU but get used to it. I hope your baby recovers quickly smile

DH is mixed race and when our Scandinavian-looking DS was born it was absolutely incredible how many people 'joked' about who the father was. I got fed up of replying politely and started saying that his colouring came from the postman grin

strumpetpumpkin Tue 20-Nov-12 12:22:03

she wasnt american, and my teeth were better than hers ;)

It then went into a rant about foreign doctors and dentists and how hard it was to find one that she could understand :|

Wonder how many english people SHE knew that went to medical school in this country?

I think the important thing s the word 'conversation'. Just commenting in a rude way about a skin and hair colour is inappropriate.

missymoomoomee Tue 20-Nov-12 12:27:02

I was in the chemist just after I had DS, he was a big baby and an elderly lady asked how much he weighed, so I told her 9lb 2oz, she then asked how many stitches I had, I was so shocked with her blatent and personal question that I answered that I had none. She said these exact words - 'Gee Whizz love, you must have a beaver made of steel' and casually sauntered away.

I'm still in shock to this day about it, but it was rather funny.

HeathRobinson Tue 20-Nov-12 12:28:42

Arf at racist icebreaker. grin I can't believe really that people do that. What happened to talking about the weather?!

Op, there are many people out there with an opinion on your life. Don't let it get to you.

I was in town with dd1 when she was a baby. An old woman came up to me and asked what her name was. After I told her, she insisted that she would be called by <silly abbreviation>. We were almost arguing about it, until I realised I could just walk away! It was bizarre.

Missymoo - that is brilliant. Totally inappropriate but brilliant at the same time.

HazeltheMcWitch Tue 20-Nov-12 12:31:57

missymoomoomee 'Gee Whizz love, you must have a beaver made of steel' ????

I too, will now never forget those exact words!

FellatioNelson Tue 20-Nov-12 12:35:33

You should have looked her square in the far and said 'Did no-one ever tell you there are British people of all races?'

missy shock that will go down in MN history I think. grin

I once told someone I had no stitches after DS1 and she said 'well that's nothing to be proud of.' hmm

ballstoit Tue 20-Nov-12 12:39:16

YANBU op. It's not okay to ask a stranger intrusive questions.

Have just laughed out loud at that one missy...I always found the questions about the number of stitches a little strange!

There are 2 comments that have made about my DC that have truly thrown me, both about DD1;

- first, when she was about 6 weeks old, a stranger in a queue at the doctors asked if I was there to ask about having her ears pinned back (DD1's ears are on the sticky out end of the spectrum)

- second, a few weeks ago, a woman walked up to me and 3 DC in a shop and commented how 'beautiful' and 'what a lovely shape' DD1 was (she's 5 now). Then looked my other 2 DC up and down and asked 'have they got the same Dad?'. So much wrong with this I didn't know where to begin, so walked quickly away with DC.

Hyperballad Tue 20-Nov-12 12:41:44

I had an old women lean into the pram and poke her dirty long finger nail onto my PFB (2 wks old) cheek. She started scraping it saying it had a 'sparkle' on it and that was 'bad'. This came out of no where stood in the queue at M&S.

I was stood for a matter of seconds digging about for a bit of change to give to a busker, another old women came up waving her hands about saying the sound will damage 'that bairn's ears'. PFB (3 months at this point) had a cuddly hat with ear flaps on and his hood up!

I had a lady insist my baby was jaundice, I explained that he had been jaundice but it's cleared up about 4 weeks ago, she continued to tell me he is jaundice. I went onto say he is mixed race so that perhaps explains why his skin is darker than she expects. She then argued that he was definitely jaundice. Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhh!! punch I made a promise to my self that I would not try to explain anything again to idiots or strangers!

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Nov-12 12:43:49

I dont see why that was racist, unless she said 'eww, your baby is mixed race'.

I'm afraid it sounds more racist to me to take that as an insult, I would have just said "no she isnt"

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Nov-12 12:44:34

To take the question she asked OP as an insult I mean

afterdinnerkiss Tue 20-Nov-12 12:47:18

OP i agree that race shouldn't be an issue, no need for it to even brought up and certainly not in the context you describe. what does it bloomin matter anyway in 21stC UK?

mamma i get comments like that all the time and whilst i'm getting better at not fuming on the spot still don't know how to process them. DH is white with dark hair, I am coffee skinned and DD has turned out blonde!!! and not living in the most cosmopolitan of places i do have to deal every week with being thought of as the nanny or whatever.

starmaker7 Tue 20-Nov-12 12:47:55

I was out once with 2 of my children and my niece (who is mixed race) when a lady said ,'you have gorgeous children but you can see she pointed to niece has a different dad' (WTF??) I replied 'actually she has a different mum too' and she just looked at me like I was mad, daft bint

strumpetpumpkin Tue 20-Nov-12 12:48:08

next time i get a taxi, and im gonna lean in the window first and say "hi, how do you feel about black people" before even getting in. Make sure i dont have to spend the next 20 minutes wanting to die

starmaker7 Tue 20-Nov-12 12:48:41

oops sorry about the highlighted bit ,cant get used to this forum lol

CockyPants Tue 20-Nov-12 12:49:35

My HV, no less, said that my DD, who is mixed race, was 'a funny colour'.
shock sad

afterdinnerkiss Tue 20-Nov-12 12:50:12

shock at hyperballad - i'm going to keep my pfb away from straying witchy fingers. the thought of some crazy lady touching my baby really freaks me out. (shudders)

CockyPants Tue 20-Nov-12 12:51:27

Loving a 'beaver made of steel'

cheekybaubles Tue 20-Nov-12 12:54:01

My DD was born with shoulder length hair. I was walking through tarn one day with DD in her pram and an old lady was staring at her. She jumped and said "oh god, it moved! I thought it was a doll!"
So basically I look like the kind of person who would push a doll around in a pram? grin
Also a woman mentioned that my DD was far too pale to be anglo/Indian and was I sure she was my DH's shock

MissVerinder Tue 20-Nov-12 12:56:47

I tend to get this all the time with my Jolie-esque tribe.

Nod and smile, nod and smile, even in answer to a question. It works (apart from when DD says "Mummy, you are very rude not answering that lady's question.")

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 13:04:00

"Oh god - it moved!" Priceless.

I love it when people just don't really get how genes work and how they can lead to surprising combos!
DS is a strapping blond and blue Viking Boy (as a friend calls him). DD looks much more forrin, and gets darker by the month it seems.....a few older ladies have made some (albeit v gently) searching comments.
Thankfully, their features are so similar, it just looks like DD's been at the fake tan and the hair colours. And the coloured contacts.

HeathRobinson Tue 20-Nov-12 13:09:50

I get the opposite, as my 3 are clones of me.
'Ooh, ^aren't they alike!' 'They look just like you!'

Really? hmm I've never noticed.

<deadpan>

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Tue 20-Nov-12 13:10:52

Yup, people will feel free to comment on your baby, your parenting, you are now in the land of "free for all to join in and comment". Welcome.

The strangest thing I have heard, was from a young shop assistant in ELC gushing about my son, then 18 months.

He was extremely blond, pale and with sparkly blue eyes. She said:

"OH MY GOD, I HAVE NEVER BEFORE SEEN AN ARYAN BABY. You must be so proud"

It was mindboggling.

Longdistance Tue 20-Nov-12 13:17:40

My dd2 had jaundice for well over 3 weeks. She too looked mixed race, as she had tight curls too. Her hair was jet black.
So many people asked if my dd's were sisters, as dd1 is pale and blonde.
Take comments with a pinch of salt. Some people just want to start a conversation to pass time be nosey

Woozley Tue 20-Nov-12 13:21:15

DD1 is dark(ish) like me. Kind of scandi dark with blonde undertones IYSWIM. Couple of shades darker than mousey. "Macadamia" as Nutrisse would have it. Hazel eyes, skin that tans easily.

DD2 is ash blonde, light blue eyed and freckle faced. Even I get comments about them being different, some a bit hmm.

The best though was when I used to take DD2 and my nephew who is English/Nigerian and the same age to a church playgroup- they have the same surname too. A couple of old ladies running it were dying to ask some searching questions. One of them did in the end- the relief, or was it disappointment on her face when she found out he was my nephew.

Lia87 Tue 20-Nov-12 13:22:48

fanjoforthemammaries, the way she said it was effectively saying ew, it was with no previous conversation, she was literally sat staring at DD without a smile on her face, i couldnt care less if people think she's mixed race, but the fact that she seemed to not believe me after i'd already answered her first question annoyed me

cockypants, thats so horrible! did you carry on seeing the same HV? i wouldn't have wanted her anywhere near DD after that!

Lia87 Tue 20-Nov-12 13:26:04

cheekybaubles i had a similar thing ahaha, a shop assistant was was staring at me with DD in a sling looking really confused then goes "OH! i thought it was a doll at first, what a small baby" he must have been thinking i was loopy carrying round this doll all carefully!

MrsDeVere Tue 20-Nov-12 13:26:22

I don't think it was racist unless her tone was disparaging. She was being nosy though.

I have loads of mixed race kids. The favourite question is 'do they all have the same dad?' asked by random people in random places hmm

I have had 'she's got a bit of a, um tan hasn't she?' No love, she is black, don't be shy just say it, you wont catch it.

One black bloke said 'who do those kids belong to? They cant be yours, they are too good looking' . What a charmer.

The funniest is that DS2 is the only one I am told 'he looks just like you doesn't he?, much more than the others'. Its nice but he is adopted grin

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 13:26:53

When my dd who is mixed race was a baby, I used to get "so is she forrin then", at least 5 times a day whenever we were out. All by nice little old white ladys hmm.
or why were you so stupid to have a baby by a black man don't you know he won't love it like it was a black child or least you can do her hair unlike most white girls from lovely old black ladies.

People love to comment on colour for some reason.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 13:30:00

oh I forgot the classic line when my ds was a baby. Made by everyone, wow he's so dark are you sure it wasn't an African who "breeded" you not a yardie. Are you his mum he doesn't look like he's got white in him, or why do you leave him in the sun he shouldn't be that colour.

Dawndonna Tue 20-Nov-12 13:32:18

Many is the time when taking twins out (years ago) people would ask if ds1 was a friend's child. Twin one like me, dark and spanish looking (coz we are) twin 2 fair with English Rose colouring. The times I got told it was nice of me to take the little foreign one out too was unbelievable. I was also told more than once to 'go and see the doctor, love' when I said they were twins!

nancerama Tue 20-Nov-12 13:32:43

Some people are just rude. It all started for me when I was asked several times whilst pregnant if it was planned. I was 35 years old and married FFS - hardly a scandal and definitely nobody's business.

I have very dark hair, DS is very very blond. I've been asked if I'm the nanny and if he's adopted. Some people refuse to believe me when I insist he's mine.

MrsDeVere Tue 20-Nov-12 13:34:04

Jeez dont get me started on the hair thing Inneed.
How I have managed to stay out of jail over the last 20 years with the amount of hair based provocation I have had hmm

Lia87 Tue 20-Nov-12 13:35:02

ok i think i probably over reacted now seeing comments other people have had! can't believe how rude people can be though!

afterdinnerkiss Tue 20-Nov-12 13:35:41

brandy really heavy comments you've got. quite mean truly. i think these days you cannot get away with that degree of revealing your true thoughts, and so the same type of person resorts to polite enquiries about your baby's origin. but the same thoughts a-lurking.

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 13:39:23

Mind you, I shall never forget having to prime DP and the in-laws about DS, shortly before he was born....
"He MAY have a lot of black hair and look a bit....errrr....say, central Asian..... Don't worry - he'll stay like that for a bit and then turn blond. Probably. Nothing to worry about."

He did. We are a v mixed bag in our family, and we nearly all start out looking like Kim Jong Il! I even got some khaki babygros to heighten the effect.

YoullScreamAboutItOneDay Tue 20-Nov-12 13:41:56

I love your turn of phrase with I have loads of mixed race kids *MrsDeVere. You make it sounds like you have about 25 grin.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 13:42:42

I know MrsD everyone comments on their hair all the frigging time, even the other day I was on the bus stop chatting to a seemingly lovely elderly Jamaican lady about the cost of food. Before I got on the bus she said, I just have to tell you how beautiful your dc are and how it's nice to see a white women who's not trailer trash and can do their hair, you should go to beauty queens to buy blue magic it's cheaper and means they will never get nits.

I live in Bristol with a huge diverse population not a quite dusty town with haystacks rolling around!

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 13:45:03

Eep, Inneedof..... I guess she was being kind...but a bit of a back-handed compliment there......

Woozley Tue 20-Nov-12 13:45:06

No love, she is black, don't be shy just say it, you wont catch it. smile

AuntAda Tue 20-Nov-12 13:46:25

We are a v mixed bag in our family, and we nearly all start out looking like Kim Jong Il! I even got some khaki babygros to heighten the effect.

That's hilarious!

My family have some kind of crazy uber-gene that turns anything you throw at it into dishwater blond within a generation. DH has black hair and mediterranean colouring - and yup, all our kids are blond. My siblings and cousins have the same thing. It does mean that at big family gatherings you end up with 20-odd dark-blond kids who all look like they could be siblings. That does tend to make people gawp as well, you can practically see the thought bubbles forming above their heads saying, "Haven't these people heard of contraception?"

People are just rude, or a bit dim. Once you have kids they seem to cluster round like tiresome flies, which is how you have to regard them, really.

YoullScreamAboutItOneDay Tue 20-Nov-12 13:47:05

It is a bit of a backhanded comment, but in fairness my friend went for a lesson with her MIL on dealing with her mixed race daughter's hair. She has fine, blond, Scandanavian hair. Attacking her daughter's hair dry with a brush was not a pretty result.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 13:48:53

I was more shock at all white women with mixedrace babies are trailer trash apart from me!

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 13:49:42

That's what got me, Inneedof!

MrsBungleBear Tue 20-Nov-12 13:51:17

My gp asked me if 1 week old ds was mixed race (he's not). He was jaundiced and had jet black hair (like his dad). Loads of people still comment that his dad must be really dark as I'm really blonde. Yep, that's right. Well done! People love to.comment for some reason confused

Some of the comments people on this thread have received are vile.

I had comments about dd as a baby. She had 3 quite large skin tags by her ear. One woman looked at her and said eeergh, what on earth is that on her ear? I said its skin tags you rude bitch (while waiting in line at health visitor clinic). Not really like me to be sweary at folk in public but she deserved it.

YoullScreamAboutItOneDay Tue 20-Nov-12 13:53:01

That is indeed very racist and offensive. Sorry, I was responding to your first post, with just 'at least you can do their hair'. The trailer trash comment is awful.

Kalisi Tue 20-Nov-12 13:57:29

I wouldn't have been offended by that personally OP. I often get similar comments having bred with a forriner grin
These comments never seem to be judgey or swipey to me just a bit of a clumsy 'icebreaker'. I do agree they are too nosey though and I certainly wouldn't lead a conversation with a comment like that myself.
At my first appointment with my GP after DS was born he said to me "What blood's he got in him?" Me, being completely unaware of how openly people would mention his olive skin replied with "O positive" grin.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 13:57:54

I do think in a few generations racism will be almost removed. Nowadays we go to school with a rainbow of people, grow up with everyone else and only a very few idiots <BNP party members> will remain.

I do wonder why it's commented on so much,

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 14:00:48

Don't forget, though, a lot of HCPs will ask about racial backgrounds because of conditions that particular groups may be more prone to - even if it's relatively minor like dry skin.
DD has a Mongolian spot on her bum, and I've pointed it out so it's in her medical notes...sometimes these marks can be mistaken for bruises, which can lead to all sorts of misunderstandings.

ChuffMuffin Tue 20-Nov-12 14:01:56

I got chatting to a stranger about his motorbike once outside Asda while we were waiting for it to open. I think it must have been just before I went to South Africa last year, as I somehow mentioned to him that DP is South African.

He went in to a huge rant in front of black and indian families (I live in a large muslim/afro-caribbean community area) about how, as a white woman, I shouldn't date outside my own race, it's disgusting, he didn't agree with it etc.

I was gobsmacked that I'd managed to meet a massive racist, in the area I live in, and that he'd ranted on at me for like 5 minutes about how disgusting interracial relationships are in front of these families, who I thought would now think I know him and am racist too by association.

The kicker is my DP is white, I never mention it to people because it doesn't matter, but I've had a few people who've never met him and then expressed their happy surprise that he is white!! hmm

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 14:02:05

Is a Mongolian spot like a blue spot min?

ChuffMuffin Tue 20-Nov-12 14:03:05

sorry should be who'd never met him and then did and expressed their happy surprise

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 14:05:10

I often ask about people's backgrounds because I'm interested - there might be an interesting story behind it, or the person might be from somewhere really exotic. I think I do it in a way that makes it obvious I'm interested in the person as a person. A friend is half Sea-Dayak (Borneo), and I when I found out I just said "Wow! I've never met anyone from Borneo before!" Then I found out about the back story to here parents meeting, which was quite a tale.

I think you can tell if someone's curious and open or judgy and closed.

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 14:06:06

Yup - a Mongolian blue spot.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 14:08:24

Yes mine both had their whole bums blue for ages, it did have to be documented but the HV did that. Didn't know the full name for it it was just classed as a blue spot for mine.

amarylisnightandday Tue 20-Nov-12 14:10:14

Yanbu.

IShallCallYouSquishy Tue 20-Nov-12 14:11:45

I had the midwife in hospital asking me if DD's father was dark skinned. My DH and I are both white. He was stood next to me! She wasn't badly jaundice but enough to make her skin look a bit darker then mine. (Though I am lily white so not hard!)
I had another who was doing the newborn checks say she was going to double check her eyes as dark skinned babies tend to be more susceptible to some eye condition!

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 14:13:20

I pointed DD's out v early on, as she looks pretty much European, so you wouldn't expect to see such a mark on her. She still has it at 3.5, but it isn't as obvious as it once was.

tasmaniandevilchaser Tue 20-Nov-12 14:14:57

People will always make odd comments, some of these are shocking, but missy yours takes the biscuit! Beaver made of steel!

People were always asking if Dd was mixed race, (she's not, she's white, just always looked tanned) my personal favourite was a bus driver asking "has she got (whispers) foreign blood?". It was the whispering that got me!

I think it's normal to be sensitive about your baby but it could have been so much ruder, as this thread shows.

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 14:21:43

I think all this hush-hush-forrin-blood-tarbrush nonsense is receding now (apart from the odd loon). DNA doesn't lie and we're using it to find out more and more about our past migrations all around the globe, and how we're all related.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 14:26:48

It is receding and I really think once I'm in my 60s it will be very very very few instances. For instance my nan when she got married and moved out her door was painted n****r wood. That was acceptable then and I hope when I'm my nans age comments like these on the threads will be as unbelievable and disgusting like that was.

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 14:30:43

I know. I have stopped using the word 'oriental' now. It's only been in the past few years that I've become aware it's not that great, and I'm no racist whatsoever!

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 14:31:43

And I don't mean that in that awful "I ent been rayceest or nuffeenk" manner.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 14:34:45

I know what you mean, I actually get slightly confused as Chinese people for instance are Asian in America, but we class Indian people for 1 example Asian.

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 14:36:27

I think we say South East Asian instead of oriental now. I think - makes sense when I imagine a map of the world.....

5madthings Tue 20-Nov-12 14:38:30

i have had the comment 'its nice you arent likr other young mumz, its obvious your children all have the same dad'?!! wtf. they ate all blonde and blue eyef and do look very similar. i was tempted to say...no i only sleep eith aryan men..

also yes to comments about my fanjo esp whrn ds4 was a newbotn 10lb 13oz. tbe classic was a'fanjo like the mersey tunnel' errm thanks...

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 14:38:38

confused grin

seeker Tue 20-Nov-12 14:38:39

I do think some people are oversensitive. I also think that anything an older person says to a mumsnetter is bound to be wrong! grin

I honestly can't see a lot of difference to many of these (not the really rude ones, obviously) to the "oh, look, she's got lovely red hair, just like her mum!" that dd got all the time when she was a baby.

minouminou Tue 20-Nov-12 14:46:09

Ha ha, 5madthings - you should just say: "They're not mine....it's the Hitler Youth reception class and I'm the teaching assistant."

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 14:48:33

Ha ha, 5madthings - you should just say: "They're not mine....it's the Hitler Youth reception class and I'm the teaching assistant."

^^grin I properly laughed out loud then.

Pendeen Tue 20-Nov-12 15:36:38

Lia87, out of interest do you live in an area where mixed race families are unusual?

Doesn't excuse the old lady's comment but maybe she is unused to seeing 'in the flesh' as it were?

WhoWhatWhereWhen Tue 20-Nov-12 15:44:39

I'm so pleased you didn't introduce the concept that people can be Black and British, she may have died on the spot.

Such a shame these racists don't let us all know by wearing bedsheets and a pointy hat anymore

Mayanala Tue 20-Nov-12 15:44:58

Clearly you have met a random racist!! YANBU!!

Wtaf, are you joking??

DD is mixed race and DS is white, people often bring up DD's colouring, it can sometimes feel a bit intrusive if it's someone I don't know but it's fucking ridiculous to suggest it's racist.

WhoWhatWhereWhen Tue 20-Nov-12 15:50:06

Skin colour or racial features shouldn't be a taboo subject. Being too hushed up about it (in a politically correct way) causes more problems than it solves. We should be able to talk about racial features in the same was we talk about hair colour or eye colour, because that's what racial features are, just superficial physical variation.

I agree, whole heartedly with the above but, the comments from the old lady do seem to bring into question that Black people can't be British

Mayanala Tue 20-Nov-12 15:52:09

Skin colour or racial features shouldn't be a taboo subject. Being too hushed up about it (in a politically correct way) causes more problems than it solves. We should be able to talk about racial features in the same was we talk about hair colour or eye colour, because that's what racial features are, just superficial physical variation

I also agree wholeheartedly with this.

Wertrude Tue 20-Nov-12 16:07:08

cheekybaubles I got that from my DH's family!!! angry My ds is anglo/asian too but looks white confused he has my hair colour, eyes and skin tone (all fair). FIL asked DH if he was sure ds was his!! ARGH!!!

Lia87 as you can see from all these replies, you are not alone smile I think us new mums will have to grow some thick skin and just laugh off people's stupid remarks, even if they are shocking and borderline racist!!

cheekybaubles Tue 20-Nov-12 16:10:58

FIL sounds lovely wertrude hmm

MrsDeVere Tue 20-Nov-12 16:11:12

This has reminded me of when DS1 was a baby.
When he was about 3mths old the HV wrote in large letters in his blue book 'Broad flat nasal bridge and epicanthic folds'

Now what the feck was the point in that? She was obviously noting that he had features of Down Syndrome but she didn't actually refer him on for a test.

Both of the above are common in babies who are mixed race/black. Noting them down pathologised them.

She might as well have put 'very curly, dark hair' hmm

MrsDeVere Tue 20-Nov-12 16:15:14

I dont think racial features etc should be 'taboo' and please let us not bring bloody PC into it.

What is a royal pain in the arse and can be offensive is people questioning you because of their innate prejudices. My sister has never been asked if her kids all have the same father. She has never been asked who the baby daddy was (by a white person ffs) and she has never been told she is a single parent.

Someone telling me my children have beautiful hair, eyes, skin etc is fine. Making weird and nosy comments about their hair, skin and eyes is another thing altogether.

cheekybaubles Tue 20-Nov-12 16:17:06

Or "baby is rocking bit of a fro" mrsdv? shock

YoullScreamAboutItOneDay Tue 20-Nov-12 16:18:12

FWIW Mrs DeVere - I have been asked twice whether my two have the same father (we are all white). This was simply on the basis that DD1 has brown eyes and DD2 has blue and both times was on the basis that 'but brown is dominant' hmm Obviously nothing like the frequency you have to put up with.

MrsDeVere Tue 20-Nov-12 16:30:34

Mine have got bright blue eyes youll so you can imagine the comments I get about that grin

MrsDeVere Tue 20-Nov-12 16:31:32

Well quite cheeky

What was the point of her noting them down I wonder? It was nearly 19 years ago so I guess I will never know...

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 20-Nov-12 16:33:57

Yanbu - but you can't stop people being tossers rude.

My brother was very jaundiced as a baby. He was also a very smiley baby. One of my mums employees on seeing him said "oh downs babies are always lovely aren't they". Someone else asked if he was adopted.

The most I ever say about people's babies is a variation of cute/sweet/lovely/adorable. Not sure why other people feel compelled to say anything else.

YoullScreamAboutItOneDay Tue 20-Nov-12 16:38:25

You're a genetic impossibility MrsDeVere. You must be a mad scientist grin

seeker Tue 20-Nov-12 21:51:00

I do find it a little ironic that a thread talking about the outrageousness of day to day racism is happy to be so casually ageist!

Mandy2003 Tue 20-Nov-12 22:17:10

ExP is mixed race (AngloIndian/White Caucasian).

When DS developed jaundice ExP's mother told me jaundice was caused by "the English blood fighting with the foreign blood"

WTAF!!!!! shockangrysad

CrapBag Tue 20-Nov-12 22:24:50

I often get people commenting on DD as she is a redhead with very pale skin, but so far so good, they have been positive.

However I am olive skinned with dark hair and eyes, as is DS so I am surprised more hasn't been said about them being so different however they do look alike if you take their colouring away. It seems people aren't too shy on opening their gobs before engaging their brains usually though.

I have had the odd question like "has DD got her colouring from her dad" but this is from people I know.

CrapBag Tue 20-Nov-12 22:28:53

I would say that the lady in the OP does seem to think that a british dad would equal white skin though which I would have found annoying as well. Not the standard what a lovely skin tone/beautiful colour eyes/lovely hair that people might say if they were giving a complement.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 22:34:16

~If the ageism comment was towards me.... It was in my experiences and still is.

TraineeBabyCatcher Tue 20-Nov-12 22:44:51

When ds was born he was jaundice with dark hair (and two very white/pale parents). A lad I know asked my friend if I was sure x was his dad, was I sure who the dad was because he looks like a paki. I was astonished to say the least!

Softlysoftly Tue 20-Nov-12 22:53:46

Inneedof I got the breed thing too for DD1 shock, it was in a park and from an Asian woman, can't remember exactly but it was something like "she's mixed right? What breed", like she's a fucking labradoodle hmm.

Technically she's Wengladeshi grin

We are near Bristol perhaps we out to start a club!

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 23:00:59

No I got breed like your dog breeds not gets pregnant. It is pretty common in potois speak tbf and in so many dancehall songs.

What breed is fucking rude, I would of had to walk away before I punched her.

I would love to start a club PM me if your serious! grin

SoleSource Tue 20-Nov-12 23:01:04

Yup, some people love to patronise parents of mixed raced and or disabled children.

Welcome to my.world.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 23:02:42

Or both in your case sole <hugs> you have it in all directions.

Softlysoftly Tue 20-Nov-12 23:08:10

I will! Was quite funny actually, but then I tend to laugh at people now rather than batter them.

DDs both have Mongolian blue spots, that can be the mixed breed club name grin

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 23:11:36

<<goes and makes logos up>>

DC1 is bond and blue eyes, DC2 is dark skinned v.dark eyes and had a blue spot. My partner is dark - one of his friends said to him when we were all standing together about DC 2 there is no doubting who her father is...it was obvious that they thought that DC 1 had another dad!

Valdeeves Tue 20-Nov-12 23:20:52

I agree with Richteas - both my kids are mixed race - olive skinned with almond shaped eyes and black hair (sound gorgeous? They are, ha ha!)
I get asked all the time - and I talk about there skin colour. Half the time people are just curious and phrase clumsily to try and appear at ease or show an interest. There's such a difference between this and real racism - which I have experienced, jumping on everything as rascist makes us all so defensive and makes an issue out of nothing. How can asking if someone is mixed race be rascist? It's just a question?

designergirl Tue 20-Nov-12 23:59:54

My DH and I have 4 daughters, so we get "were you trying for a boy?" quite regularly. Or "are you going to carry on until you get a boy?"

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 00:23:52

YANBU the woman was rude and in polite

LulaBear Wed 21-Nov-12 01:36:40

Really? In the last week I've been asked if very British DH is definitely British because he has dark eyes, hair and olive skin. Three people (and counting!) have asked if he is Greek. I don't see that as racism. People are used to multi-cultural families and ask questions. This past week I've worked with two people, one seemed Asian and the other Black. I didn't ask because, frankly, I didnt't care, but they were both Mauritian.

Bogeyface Wed 21-Nov-12 02:12:58

We have between us....
a gay one
a disabled one
a ginga one
a mixed race one, and three "normal", whatever that is, ones.

The comments we get have to be heard to be believed, but our standard answer is..."We hope that the next one is a lesbian because then we will have a full house!" grin

sashh Wed 21-Nov-12 02:27:15

Sister of a friend, she's dark, parents from Sri Lanka, husband white, baby started off white and gradually darkened.

She was on a plane breastfeeding, "Excuse me, is that YOUR baby?"

I am half goggling and half giggling at this thread.

beaver of steel should take over from balls of steel for particularly feisty women...

"ooh, she has a steel beaver, that one"
"oh, strap on a beaver and just tell her"

sleepywombat Wed 21-Nov-12 03:41:10

My ds is mixed race & all through babyhood, nurses asked if he was jaundiced & would take him out into the light to check (he wasn't).
I didn't take it as racist at all (and nor did my dh) - his skin is yellowish, its important to check he's ok!
My ds2 was born with that almost translucent white skin - no idea where he gets that from, dh's skin is dark & mine is yellowish/naturally tanned looking too.

MyBaby1day Wed 21-Nov-12 07:10:50

A few weeks ago I started a thread in the AIBU section. It was about mixed-race people judging me and my Mum. To all those who doubted me-here is all the evidence!. @Bogeyface, you are too funny!!, get working on that lesbian one!! grin.

MyBaby1day Wed 21-Nov-12 07:12:01

Sorry it was about white people judging me and my Mum!, not mixed-race people.....although maybe they're next. Everyone was on my case!. Bet they're quiet now!.

BionicEmu Wed 21-Nov-12 09:18:40

My toddler DS has very light blond hair (almost white), very pale skin and striking big, bright blue eyes. Took him to a neighbour's toddler's party where said neighbour said he looked like "a good little Aryan."

I've had comments like that from a few people now. Possibly as we live in rural-ish Derbyshire, a strong BNP area. I still have no idea what to say in response to that - it's usually huge skinhead men who say it and TBH they scare me slightly.

InNeedOfBrandy Wed 21-Nov-12 09:27:19

mybaby are you saying people didn't believe you? Please link to thread I would love to read it. Ignorant fuckers.

bionic thats really frightening people think that way

CrazyRandomHappenstance Wed 21-Nov-12 10:05:09

I have Dark hair and dark eyes and olive skin as does DH and DD1, DD2 however has white blond hair and blue eyes, so far i've had an old woman ask if they have different dads randomly on the bus "No" "are you sure?" shock. and various people ask if shes the milkmans, not likely my milkman is a woman. you just have to smile and think of something witty.

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