AIBU To ask MIL to not smoke in her own house?

(92 Posts)
SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:02:22

Just a bit of back story, me and my partner have a 14 week old baby... We were living in a bedsit (which we are still renting, but not staying in) which has damp. My MIL suggested we move in to her house for the sake of my babies health - All the while making out she would not be smoking in the house saying things like 'Maybe it will give me a kick up the bum to quit having to smoke outside everytime I want a cigerette' and 'I'm quiting after this last pack' and 'It'll be nice not having the house smell of smoke... For the first 2 days of living back here she didn't smoke inside the house (baring in mind she works nights sometimes and so isn't always here, but gradually it's becomming more and more and I can smell it in the whole of the house. Had I known it would be like this I wouldnt have gone to the ENORMOUS effort of moving all of our things and decorating a room for us to move into. I've asked my partner to have a word with her and ask her to no longer smoke in the house, but he is very aprehensive as he and his mother have a very 'polite' relationship and never argue or confront eachother.

I'm tempted to just move out and go back to our bedsit as after research it seems like smoke in the house is actually more damaging and dangerous than damp to a baby...

So AIBU to ask her to not smoke in her own house given the situation

Bongaloo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:05:44

There must be some way of quitting the uninhabitable bedsit and finding somewhere else.

DontmindifIdo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:08:23

Have you contacted the council to see if they can offer you anywhere else other than a damp bedsit? Or, assuming you have ended your tenancy there, can you not look for other properties?

Bongaloo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:12:29

& I think you might be in a better position with the council if you haven't the option of lodging at your MIL's

whoopwhoopbib Tue 20-Nov-12 12:13:27

Yanbu she mentiomed giving up smoking before you moved in, had she of said 'I still plan to smoke 60 a day whilst you are here' then you wbu.

If you are only going to live there for a short time then I can't see how it can be too much to ask of her.

WhenShallWeThreeKingsMeetAgain Tue 20-Nov-12 12:20:08

You knew she smoked before you moved in. She didn't say she was stopping. Her house, her rules. YABU.

I read the title and was all for saying YABU but on reading your thread actually I dont think you

If she has to smoke cant she just go outside and do it...lots of people smoke nowadays but it is becoming more common for people not to smoke in their homes.

When - I think she did say she would stop.

N0tinmylife Tue 20-Nov-12 12:28:21

YANBU, she said she was going to stop smoking in the house. I would move back out if that is an option!

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:32:04

Whenshallwethreekings meet again she DID say she was stopping... first of all she said she would smoke outside and then said she would stop ^^ read the OP... It is only for a short while as it takes a while to get a council place... Obviously in an ideal world we would have somewhere to move to of our own that didn't have damp, but lives just not that easy especially this close to christmas. I feel as though had she not made out she was quitting we wouldnt have moved in in the first place - can people make sure they read the whole post before replying please

MakeItALarge Tue 20-Nov-12 12:32:10

YANBU at all. I have a couple of friends who smoke in their houses, when I take ds round with me they go outside to smoke. I havent asked them to, and wouldnt as its their house and mu choice to visit, but surely its just common sense and polite not to smoke around a baby?

I'd have a quiet word, tell MIL the smell of smoke is getting very strong and it worries you. And invest in a lot of febreeze grin

dreamingofsun Tue 20-Nov-12 12:37:44

have a quiet word and explain the LT health risks for her granchild. So she knows its not just the fact that everything stinks.

Current guidance also suggests that she shouldn't touch the baby for 1 hour after smoking and change her top and wash....from what i remember.

both my husband and BIL have asthma. You obviously wouldn't want her to feel in years to come that she was responsible for this - though my MIL likes to kid herself it was all sorts of other things that caused this rather than sitting in black clouds of smoke as babies/children.

if she's doing this already it will only get worse and what happens in future - do you plan to visit her house?

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:42:06

SHE was the one who suggested we move in for babies health due to damp in our flat, she then made out she would not be smoking in the house, which fuled our decision to move back in with her as we lived with her before I got pregnant... Had I know she was going to smoke in the house I would have made the decision not to as I feel smoking is more damaging and it also doubles the chance of cot death because of the high levels of carbon monoxide - I want to move back into my bedsit if she won't smoke outside. My partner spoke to her about 10 minutes ago and she got all moody - Even though she shouldnt have told us she would smoke outside and that she was going to quit. I feel like we moved in here on false pretences and it was a lot of effort to move with such a young baby. Me and my partner both quit smoking for the sake of our child and now it feels pointless if he is just going to be exposed to it anyway :/

Bongaloo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:43:16

We've all read the OP, OP.
But when it comes to quitting nicotine you just have to believe it when you see it. It is very, very hard. She is a smoker and you knew that.
It doesn't matter really whether YABU or YANBU, the fact of it is - she smokes.

Bongaloo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:44:42

Ah. then you understand it's hard.
Well done you 2.

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:44:54

Well its not like me and my partner dont know we used to smoke a lot - I have now quit. It is her grandson and we moved in on the basis that there would not be smoking in the house

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:45:17

whether she quits or not - its about it being in the house

atacareercrossroads Tue 20-Nov-12 12:52:33

YABU to accept her hospitality and then have the brass balls to moan about her smoking in her own home!

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:58:54

but we ONLY moved in on the basis of her not smoking? Had she not said she would smoke outside we wouldnt have accepted her hospitality :/

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 13:04:12

and to be honest I don't think its very hospitable to invite someone to your home on false pretenses with the reason being 'your home has damp and so isn't nice for your child' and then to think smoking in the same house as a 14week old okay - Surely if you're the one suggesting the move because of health reasons its not unreasonable to think it a bit out of order of them to then smoke knowing for a fact that is super unhealthy for a baby

Yanbu. Just because someone is doing u a favour doesn't mean they have the right to put your babies health at risk. And severely so.

If she told u she would smoke outside then thats what she should do. Same as anything else. I'm sure if u told her you would cook dinner tonight and you didn't she would be a bit cross that she then had to go out and buy something after being promised she wouldn't have to. X

Blu Tue 20-Nov-12 13:07:14

YANBU, she went back on her word, she is now responding badly to being asked not to smoke, so I think you have no option but to move back to your bedsit asap.
And then start looking for something else as soon as you can.

It must be very frustrating, but you don't really have a choice, do you?

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 13:11:54

After a bit of coersion she has agreed to smoke outside - but very begrudgingly, but to be honest I don't care if it has annoyed her, as IMO she has put my babies health at risk because she decided to lie and let us move in properly before actually smoking in the house -whenever we used to visit she smoked outside etc and the first couple of days she smoked outside, slowly but surely smoking inside is becomming more frequent. My partner feels very upset by this as he feels like she isn't quite grasping how dangerous it can be to a babies health, it weakens immune systems, lungs and causes more infections (of which my baby can be more prone to apparently because he has a cleft lip) I dont know why that means he gets more infections but that's what health professionals have said. I do my best to make sure he is healthy and well and just feel like my control over that situation is compromised because of someone going back on their word

crazycanuck Tue 20-Nov-12 13:13:56

OP YANBU at all. She offered under false pretences and I don't blame you for being upset. Yes it is hard to quit but it's not hard to smoke outside. And if you offer for someone to stay at your house with a 14 week old baby and you promise not to smoke in the house and then you do so anyway, it takes a fair amount of cheek to get moody about it when confronted, your house or no. I'd do my best to find alternative accommodation if I were you.

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 13:15:04

Luckily we had out points through from the council today, but doubt we'll get anywhere before christmas now :c

I hope you can get something sorted very soon so u can move out.
I know how stressful these things can be. Many think cigarettes and kids is trivial. I don't . Just because the effects aren't instant they think the asthma three years down the line is unrelated.

Won't kill her to smoke outside, yeah it pissed her off but she's an adult , u have a baby to consider. I wish u luck ! smile

MrsMelons Tue 20-Nov-12 13:20:13

If you were just visiting and expecting her to smoke outside then YWBU but not if she had offered to smoke outside whilst you stayed there then went back on it.

I get quite cross about the whole smoking thing TBH - people smoke because they choose too - plenty of people give up after smoking 40 or 60 a day for many years - people who say they can't are full of excuses and it is dangerous for babies so they are just being selfish if they are happy to smoke around a newborn.

Sorry - rant over - I know I will be flamed!

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 13:22:25

Thanks! I agree - it wont damage her to smoke outside but it'll damage her grandchild if she smokes inside - Both my parents have decided to quite and are taking these tablets and have so far done a week of no smoking all for my babies sake (and we don't even live with them) They have been smokers for 35 years and this is the first time they have both been able to do it at the same time and stick to it for any length of time. I'm not even asking MIL to quit - just to stick to what she said and smoke outside - If I can smell the smoke I hate to think what its doing to my LO's lungs

And you shouldnt be flamed. Its common knowledge it's harmful for babies. the people on here saying i'm being unreasonable I imagine are smokers. I was a smoker for 9 years and quit as soon as I found out I was pregnant and havnt had one since, my partner a smoker for 10 years quit 2 months before I gave birth and hasnt had one since.

You're right full of excuses

YellowTulips Tue 20-Nov-12 13:24:21

If the understanding of you moving in was that she would not smoke then YANBU. However from your posts it seems this was implied rather than an explict understanding.

The upshot is that its her house and she can smoke in it (or not) as she pleases.

Equally, its your baby and its up to you to stay in a house where someone smokes or to leave.

So I think its a pretty easy conversation tbh and doeant have to be at all aggressive or nasty.

"We moved in at your kind invitation to protect the health of our baby from the damp at home. I thought we had an understanding you were going to stop smoking, or at least not smoke in the house because that would undermine baby's health and increase the risk of cot death equally, if not more than that of the damp.

I realise now that we didn't actually agree this outright and that perhaps we naively assumed you would give up. It's your house so we have no right to tell you you can't smoke, so we either need to come to an arrangement you are happy with (such as smoking outside and 30 min no contact with baby rule after a fag) or look at moving back home and focus on dealing with the damp problem. Let me know what you think."

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 13:28:44

That's basically what my partner said albeit not as clear and concise - She did explicitly say she was quitting, but previous to the it was more of an implication of smoking outside as she said 'maybe it will help me to quit having to smoke outside each time I want a cigerette' which I think most people would deem as an 'understanding' that that's what was going to happen

squeakytoy Tue 20-Nov-12 13:33:13

Move out and rent your own non-damp flat then? It is her house.. not yours.

I woulda assumed the same thing. In fact I'd have read it as her way of putting my fears at rest without an awkward conversation.

I'd have taken chances with damp too if she had told me she would be smoking in house.

I agree that it's common sense. God knows y anyone would need asking or telling to not smoke around a child sad

YellowTulips Tue 20-Nov-12 13:36:44

OK - so if "what she thinks" is I'll keep smoking inside the house then in your place I would start making other arrangements and tell her your are going to do that.

With any luck, just the fact you start looking at options might be enough for her to change her behaviour (I'd actually be bloody embarrased if having invited someone to stay they then had to move out because I couldn't be bother to smoke outside - its not like you are telling her to quit totally).

Could you look to spend some time at your parents at least over Christmas?

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 13:41:31

unfortunately my parents live in a small one bed house so there is no room for us... We would like to get another flat but because of our tenancy and situation that won't be possible for a couple of months - the damp is not extreme so we would have stayed there and will move back if she is not willing to smoke outside I know it's her house and feel very awkward even getting partner to bring it up to her, but it took so much effort to move on that basis that she would quit or ATLEAST smoke outside I just feel like we've been put in a rubbish situation. I totally agree it's unreasonable to ask someone to not do something in her house, but had I thought this situation would arise again I wouldn't have moved in

dreamingofsun Tue 20-Nov-12 13:47:09

i think its totally reasonable to ask someone to stop doing something thats dangerous to others, even if it is in her house. if she picked up your child in her house and shook it really hard, would you just say oh well her house her rules? No you wouldn't.

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 13:52:28

lol extreme, but good point

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 14:12:32

Let's hope she sticks to her word this time now that she has said again she'll smoke outside

maddening Tue 20-Nov-12 14:47:55

how bad is the damp? Could you dry it out a bit?

Blu Tue 20-Nov-12 14:49:09

She invited you to live with her, she now has her grandchild under her roof and it isn't unreasonable to ask her to look out for the health and wellbeing of her grandchild.

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 14:57:15

We could dry it out, we did last winter mostly it's just one wall thats extra bad... I am going to see how the next week goes as she has now said (again) she will only smoke outside - If that lasts then I'm happy to stay here, if it doesnt then we will move back and try and make the damp livable!!

Pandemoniaa Tue 20-Nov-12 15:01:32

I don't think YABU but it is difficult if you didn't politely lay down ground rules in the first place. Having said that, I can't imagine needing to be told that smoking around babies and children is unacceptable. And I say that as a smoker.

When my dgd comes to visit, everybody smokes outside. Or avoids smoking at all. It doesn't matter who owns the house, none of us would dream of putting her at risk.

I think you have to ask her, politely, if she could smoke outside while you are staying with her.

elizaregina Tue 20-Nov-12 16:04:52

sack girl

I would err on the side of caution in realtion to damp in american when they remove damp - mould they wear full white nuclear style suits - damp can lead to a host of problems, people are very casual about it in this country but mould spores can be fatal as well as lead to a host of other problems.

she is obivsouly aware that her smoking isnt right - and has let it slip - i would kindly remind sure she will feel bad - guilty - start to smoke outside again and not blame you for asking her and therefore no problems all round.

Lia87 Tue 20-Nov-12 16:19:01

YANBU, smoking increases cot death risk as well as being harmful healthwise to your baby, maybe get a leaflet from doctors or hv to show her that your not just making fuss over nothing incase she doesn't actually realise the dangers are so severe, your dh needs to stand up against her when its for the sake of his baby too, its not like its a small pointless thing to argue with her over

KitchenandJumble Tue 20-Nov-12 17:20:31

YABU. She may have had good intentions but found the reality of quitting more difficult than she had anticipated. I certainly don't blame you for not wanting her to smoke around your child. But it is her home and she can do what she likes. I think you should move out if you can't cope with her smoking.

FWIW, I have never smoked in my life.

SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 22:00:51

I don't care if she quits I care that she let us spend a week decorating a room in her house and the moving our stuff in on the basis the house itself would be smoke free to then not continue to smoke outside she herself said it was due to laziness that she stopped going outside, not really good enough when it comes to my child's health, it's not like we're living here for free and not like she said she was going to be smoking in the house, otherwise we wouldn't have moved in. Just looks like it might be another big move just before Christmas. Just think its ridiculous to let people go to so much effort if your not sure you can keep your word, we've only been here a week and she only smoked outside for 2 days

dreamingofsun Wed 21-Nov-12 08:37:04

so is she still smoking in the house now, once you asked her not to? if so thats well out of order.

if so, perhaps you should point out that (as well as having to move out) you won't be able to visit with your child in future and that she'll need to come to yours.

the thing that stopped my MIL smoking in the house wasn't anyone's health, it was the fact that she had her kitchen painted!! They are dillusional and have mad priorities.

Fancydrawers Wed 21-Nov-12 09:25:53

YADNBU. I expect people whose houses we visit who smoke to smoke outside when we visit. I don't think it's rude. Nobody has ever complained about it, and they know that if they weren't happy to do that then that's fine but we wouldn't be going to their stinking home.

YouOldSlag Wed 21-Nov-12 09:49:04

YANBU. I am currently a smoker. I gave when pregnant and only foolishly started again ( about 5 a day) when my DS started school. I still smoke outside, even in the rain.

I wouldn't dream of smoking in the same house as a baby, or even holding a baby after smoking.

Your MIL is going back on her word. It may be her house, and I was all ready to say YABU when I read the thread title, but babies and smoking is no laughing matter.

She promised to smoke outside and/or give up. She can at least stick to the first bit as a favour to her baby grandchild.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 10:13:49

Well she has said she will smoke outside again now, but I don't think she gets the severity of the matter and already sounds like shes waning on the idea - Very very pissed off that we may have to move again before christmas. Sorry if this offends, but what kind of woman smokes in a house with a baby in, surely its a given to not? Everyone knows the possible health implications. I feel like going and shouting at her for letting us go through all of this hassle only to put my childs health at risk

dreamingofsun Wed 21-Nov-12 10:25:55

can you get a booklet from the health visitor? perhaps something more official might help and irrespective of your current living arrangements she needs to understand her responsibilities as a GP.

until i read posts on here i didn't realise the advise had changed since i had kids, eg washing hands/changing clothes.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Wed 21-Nov-12 11:40:05

There's a baby in her house. Of course she shouldn't be smoking. End of. YANBU.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 11:45:35

I think yabu.

She offered not to smoke in the house, but she struggles to carry it out. That's understandable, smoking is highly addictive and the weather is horrible at the moment.

If you don't want to have your baby in a smoky environment then move back to your bedsit, or put up with it until you get housed. It is not fair to make someone feel guilty for doing their own thing in their own home. Stop using the 'false pretences' thing as an excuse. It's your own fault for not having secure housing before you had a baby.

So u would allow someone to smoke in your house around your baby cos its ur fault for having friends who smoke there fore your child must suffer to prove a point?

It can contribute to killing a baby through cot death and lead to all sorts of health conditions. They r doing their best to sort the situation, but it's not an
Unreasonable ask for someone to keep toxic gases away from a baby. Owning a house doesn't excuse harming a child.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 12:49:20


SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 17:35:19

outraged I did have a secure house and as I said before I am happy to move back you insolent nasty person. THE REASON I'M ANNOYED is the effort we went to, to move in, WHICH was her suggestion and we only moved in on the basis of her not smoking and now having to re-pack everything. How dare you talk to me in that way, what the hell is your problem, I have a house and everything for my baby he is spoilt rotten, it's the effort we went to in decorating her house for her, moving everything because she told us she wouldnt smoke (which i know is hard to give up as me and my partner both did if you would bother to read the whole thread which by the sounds of your pathetic attempt at a reply you havent) If you are just going to be plain rude and not listen to the actual thread get on your bike and go somewhere where the other scumbags dwell. As I'm sure you are the likes of the 'Jeremy Kyle Show' from the things you have just said. I feel sorry for any children you may have, poor things

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 17:44:06

Also a lot can happen in the 10 months of being pregnant (not to me, but to many) we were lucky enough to have a secure privately rented accommodation, of which I am in a tenancy agreement hence not being able to move right now you ignorant piece of crap - I'm in a loving relationship, with our own home, which was suggested BY the MIL to move out of over the winter as she thought it would be nicer for the baby, to then go and smoke in the house. There's a lot of people who aren't in a loving relationship. without a home, without ANY family having children so I don't really know how you can judge two people who can give their child a home, all necessities, love and attention. It's hardly our fault we were lied to in the first place before we moved.

KitchenandJumble Wed 21-Nov-12 17:59:58

Wow, that post was really rude, OP. Nothing that OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos said warrants that kind of attack. She was being perfectly reasonable in expressing her POV.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:13:46

Not really... she was implying I got pregnant without having a home for my child. I was correcting her as I clearly did/do have a home. She also thinks its okay to just disregard the fact that we were lied to which is the whole point of the post. So really everything she said was invalid, pointless and said for no other reason than to be rude. If you can point out which bits had a valid point to them and how she thinks it's okay to smoke in the house of a 14 week baby, when we were informed this would not be the case then maybe i'll re-evaluate my reply. If you can't then everything I said still stands

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 18:14:30


I think you might have more to worry about than your MILs nicotine habit! If I hit a raw nerve with my words, I apologise for any offence caused.

KitchenandJumble, thank you.

worldsgreatest Wed 21-Nov-12 18:16:35


WorraLiberty Wed 21-Nov-12 18:19:00

I don't think your MIL 'lied' OP.

I think she tried and failed at smoking outside.

Personally I would have been dubious that she'd be able to manage to do that if she's used to smoking indoors...what with heading into Winter.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 18:22:13

But you don't have a home for your child. You have a damp bedsit or a room in a house where you feel your baby's health is being put at risk. You are waiting for a council house.

Sorry, but someone in that situation doesn't have a secure home.

The main point of my post, which you chose to ignore, is that your MiL has made some effort, but is finding it difficult. That's understandable.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:22:22

The raw nerve is not making a valid point, also people always use the 'hit a raw nerve' when someone gets angry because it in some way makes them feel smug about themselves, when really I am realising you obviously have some bitter problem, we have money, a home (albeit which has a bit of damp, being in the UK there are a lot of houses with this and I am in a contract so can't just cancel that as i'll lose our massive deposit) I was happy to stay there it was under the MIL suggestion to move, so we did as she said she would be smoking outside... Surely the false pretences 'excuse' is the whole point of the story so to tell me to stop talking about it makes the whole thread pointless... and if you think it is pointless, why are you replying? I just feel sorry for children who have parents that will compromise their childs health and I imagine you must be one of those people/ would be if you had children. If it was my health at risk I wouldnt give a S*&^ but it's not, it's my childs. SHE was the one who said she wouldn't smoke in the house, so I don't understand how that makes me the bad person for getting annoyed when she did, everyone with half a brain cell knows the health implications to a child. So get a grip outraged and take the stick out ya bum

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:22:56

So anyone in the uk with a bit of damp doesnt have a secure home? that's a lot of people.

AThingInYourLife Wed 21-Nov-12 18:24:49

"It is not fair to make someone feel guilty for doing their own thing in their own home."

If that thing is putting a baby's life at risk, then yes it is absolutely fair.

The OP is right - what kind of grandmother exposes a 14 week old baby to a massively increased risk of cot death because they like smoking where it's warm?

glastocat Wed 21-Nov-12 18:24:58

Wow!shock. I had some sympathy until I read that tirade!

squeakytoy Wed 21-Nov-12 18:27:11

"but what kind of woman smokes in a house with a baby in"

Probably one that smoked in the house when she had her own baby.

I can understand that you wouldnt want her smoking if she was holding the baby, or even in the same room, but if you are in a different room, then the risks are extremely minimal, and I very much doubt any more dangerous than the exhaust fumes, and other chemicals that your child will be exposed to on a daily basis.

AThingInYourLife Wed 21-Nov-12 18:27:45

I still have sympathy after the tirade. Outraged was pretty fucking rude herself.

She basically said that a baby whose parents don't have secure housing deserves to be exposed to the risks of smoking.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:28:05

I dont want sympathy from people that change there minds about babies health because of my anger. No matter what anyone says I think smoking in the same house as a baby is wrong. I am actually astounded at the amount of people that think it's reasonable for a grandmother to offer a place for her grandchild to stay over winter... FOR THE BENEFIT OF HIS HEALTH and then to smoke in the same house. That's why I'm getting so angry.. Maybe you should take a look at the FSIDS guidlines and see the stats on how severe the effect of smoking is.

AThingInYourLife Wed 21-Nov-12 18:28:35

"if you are in a different room, then the risks are extremely minimal"

No. They are not.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:29:21

squeaky toy you are misinformed... carbon monoxide travels around the house within minutes and can be found to show excessive levels of it downstairs even if the smoker was upstairs. I think people are ill advised on the new research in smoking and babies

pinkyredrose Wed 21-Nov-12 18:36:14

OP you sound quite defensive but I think it's your right to be.

Your MIL has gone back on her word to smoke outside and as such your babys health is compromised. If I were you I'dbe extremely pissed off.

Fwiw I'm a smoker and I don't even smoke in my own house, I think smokey houses are vile. I certainly wouldn't smoke in front of a child.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:36:35

and thanks AThingInYourLife I know I've been harsh, but what it really comes down to is babies health and well being so glad there are some people that know the facts

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:37:45

agreed pinkyredrose. calming down now that I see there are other people that take on board the new research and understand how bad it is

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:39:30

also she is his grandmother, not a stranger, you'd think shed care about his health, I thought thats why she asked us to move in :/ the damp in our flat is minimal so had she not suggested moving here we could have kept on top of it

YouOldSlag Wed 21-Nov-12 18:41:49

I agree with you OP. The SIDS info scared the life out of me and I wouldn't even let smokers hold my baby if they had recently had one.

And I know how hard it is to give up but my baby came first. (former smoker, former non smoker, current casual smoker in my rainy backyard when kids are in bed)

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:48:03

It scared the bejeesus out of me too - I haven't slept properly, I love my lil man so much if anything happened to him I don't know what I would do, I also have problems with health anxiety and so over worry about his health anyway, so to then have something that is FSIDS officially say is super damaging just sends me into a state of panic!! Depending on what she does over the next week we'll either be here until just after new years / feb - Or move back to our flat before xmas. I don't like people telling me I shouldnt have had a baby so maybe that did hit a nerve, I breast feed, my child has everything he needs plus more, I give him loads of attention, don't sit him infront of the telly, I have a loving partner who is an amazing dad so for someone to say I shouldnt have had a child because I had damp is outrageous

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 18:57:05

FFS AThing, no one forced OP to move in with her MiL.

It's the baby's parents that are responsible for it, and therefore the baby's parents that are responsible for making sure his health isn't at risk. I don't think you are wrong to be pissed off that your Mil hasn't tried harder to smoke outside, but I do think its unfair to put all the responsibility for this on her.

I still think it's unfair to make someone feel guilty for doing what they want in their own home. The MIL made an offer. To do you a favour. You didn't have to move in with her. If things were fine at your old place, and you weren't 100% certain that the house would be smoke free, why did you do it?

Surely most people would look for some sign that she actually meant that she would definitely go outside before going to all that effort and moving in? I'd have thought that anyone with an ounce of common sense would realise that right now is probably the hardest time of the year to take up the habit of going outside all the time.

Either way, it sounds like the offer from the MiL was made with the best of intentions and that she does

You are trying to make your DH talk to her about it, and I think you would be better off talking to her yourself, or just moving out.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 18:58:55

Oh, and I didn't say you shouldn't have had a child because of damp. I said you should have thought about your housing before you had a child, which I stand by.

If you were happy with your housing before you had a child, why are you on the council list? confused

pinkyredrose Wed 21-Nov-12 19:06:06

Outrageous she's probably on the council list because a bedsit isn't a viable long term option when you have a family.

People have babies in all kinds of situations, the OP came on here to ask advice about her MILs smoking not to have her decision to have a baby brought into question.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 19:08:30

because council housing is a lot cheaper. I don't know what council housing is like in your area, but I have been on the list for 5 years... I dont understand your confusion, I am currently privately renting which living fairly close to london is very very expensive, so if I have the option of having somewhere more affordable why wouldn't I take it? Also She did give us signs of smoking outside... er by smoking outside :s which I have said many times above. When someone says that's what they are going to do would it not be rude of me to assume they are lying. If I tell someone I'm going to do something I do it. End of. I understand not every cares about 'their word' but didn't expect the grandmother of my child to go back on something that was always clearly an issue for us. I did think about housing, I got a private rented house. I didnt know strate off that it had damp, as it's not common place to get a 'survey' dont of a rented property that is usually only with properties you are buying.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 19:09:33

Exactly! A bedsit isn't a long term viable option when you have a baby. So why am I so wrong for pointing out that OP should have thought about that before having a child if this is the situation she is now left in?

I completely understand why the OP feels pissed off. I don't understand why she is passing off a problem that is of her and her DHs making onto someone else who was clearly trying to be helpful.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 19:16:52

yeah but when you first have a baby they stay in your room with you for atleast the first 6 months and seen as though its a shorthold tenancy I clearly do have a long term plan :/ A bedsit is fine for atleast the first 6 months especially if it is a decent sized one. I'm not passing off a problem, my anger is at the effort in moving as a family for no reason. When we could have stayed put if she hadnt persuaded me it would be better for my baby

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 19:18:16

outraged you shouldnt assume people dont have long term plans. Our bedsit was perfectly suitable for the mean time and we would have either moved to a larger private rented place after christmas or got a council house which there is no problem with as I have been on the list for a long time and it would be more affordable, I have thought of every avenue thank you very much and find it rude of you to assume that I hadnt

giveitago Wed 21-Nov-12 19:20:58

1 - mil said she'd smoke outside and now she's not. How hard would it be to get to her smoke outside again? Perhaps she's just not that aware. My dgran used to look after me when parents at work and she was a chain smoker in her 1 bed flat Can you talk to her?

2. You've happily done up her room for your purpose. Your baby woudn't notice the difference in decor I'm sure. You're happy with that

So it's all awkward. The problem is that you are in her home. You are the mother of your family but not in your home.

Ultimately it's her home and she can do what she wants. I'd have thought that as a gp she'd want to not smoke around the baby and you need to lobby for this right now. But if she won't, she won't.

I very much hope you find suitable accomodation soon. I doubt I'd be happy too.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Wed 21-Nov-12 19:23:25

Wow just wow. I live in a one bedroom flat and DD shares a room with me at three. I must be a terrible parent who didn't think of my housing situation too. We don't all live in ivory towers. Maybe we should just leave it to the well off with more than two bedrooms to have babies.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 19:25:11

lol kellyelly, I'm guessing Outraged is a torie voter!

TidyDancer Wed 21-Nov-12 19:31:00

Wow. The OP is right, but I can't believe that rant! Never has so much been made of so little!

AThingInYourLife Wed 21-Nov-12 19:31:14

"FFS AThing, no one forced OP to move in with her MiL. "


So what?

No one forced the silly wagon to offer to house her baby grandson.

Once she made that offer she became morally obliged not to smoke in her house.

giveitago Wed 21-Nov-12 19:52:08

I think the 'silly wagon' was kind in offering. They could accept or refuse. She really shouldn't smoke around her grandson and I'm sure that if they reminded her nicely of the dangers she would probably stop again. And keep reminder her. The silly wagon let her daughter in law do up a room in her home.

Sounds like a home full of very nice people who are not communicating. I'm sure this can be sorted until OP finds a home more suitable.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 19:59:19

Thanks giveitago, I agree, the season I asked my partner to mention it instead of me is because I think it would be better received from him as everyone see's me as a worries and so tend to ignore my concerns, also I think its more his place to ask/remind her to go outside. Communication is key, but I don't want to come across as angry and because I feel strongly about not smoking in house with baby I'm worried I'd seem too forward

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 20:00:41

As I said, I'll see if she continues to go outside and if not we'll have to pack up and leave

giveitago Wed 21-Nov-12 20:16:08

Sackgirl - you'll need to leave if she doesn't.

It must be so horribly awkward. However, it is her house.

Your dp must keep that line of communication going to get her to stop. If she doesn't then really, in the future when you have your own place ,you'll probably only want her to see your dcs in your smoke free home and certainly not want them to be in her home.

She must understand that.

Very much hope you find a decent place at some point. It's such a difficult market. We're in London with a huge mortage on a tiny flat with no garden and I don't see hope of an upgrade. Renting is even tougher. Best of luck to you.

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