to not speak to my son about how his manner might have meant he asked to be pushed and taunted?

(73 Posts)
mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:26:37

Ds Is 7. He came out of school sad yesterday because at break time 4 boys were pushing him, pulling his coat and bag and calling him fat.

I didn't get a chance to speak to the teacher but spoke to my son and agreed I'd go to the line with him this morning and speak to her. From what he said it was being dealt with, they went to the head and are losing break today. I just felt it's important for me to speak to the teacher so he knows I take him seriously.

She seen us approaching and asked if we were o.k. I said 'we're fine, miniKeith is just a bit apprehensive about break after what happened yesterday' so not accusing, not shouting or anything. She goes onto say 'yes we'll be talking about it in class today and could you speak to miniKeith at home? The way he approaches people to join in games sets him up for this sort of thing'

Wtf?

mortimersraven Tue 20-Nov-12 09:28:50

Did she tell you how exactly his approach 'sets him up'?

The teacher needs to be giving you more detail on how his "approach sets him up". And his approach is no excuse for other boys to be pushing him around.

GilbGeekette Tue 20-Nov-12 09:31:22

I'd be wanting a bit more info from the teacher personally. Saying he "sets him[self] up for this sort of thing" isn't very helpful!

I'd ask for more details from her before speaking to him. I've known kids who'se idea of asking if they join in a game of football is to nick the football. I'm not saying that your DS is doing this but you need to know what she means.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:31:37

She said friendships are a bit of an issue, he's asking people if their his best friend.

Furoshika Tue 20-Nov-12 09:33:01

1. No comment until she says what she thinks he's doing that annoys the other kids so much.
2. If it's valid, why not talk to him? Poor kid might just need a gentle steer away from trying to boss people around (for example).

BeerTricksPott3r Tue 20-Nov-12 09:33:54

Then that needs to be addressed and she should have talked to you before about it.

I know children at school who do that - they are not 'asking' to be pushed around and called names.

Strawhatpirate Tue 20-Nov-12 09:34:16

Poor Minikeith is he ok? He is in no way responsible for this sad I would ask the teacher to elaborate and then talk to the head teacher. Blaming the victim is no way to deal with bullying.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:36:16

But it's, thankfully, the first time he's came to me with an issue like this. I don't want to say to him 'well you can stop them behaving like that, it's your job to adjust your behaviour' I spent a lot of time last night reassuring him he'd done nothing wrong.

bitsofmeworkjustfine Tue 20-Nov-12 09:36:32

ahh bless him, she shouldnt have said that, and if she is aware that is a problem she should be doing something in class about letting others join in your games.

if he wasnt constantly rebuffed, then joining would be easier IYSWIM?

Mrsjay Tue 20-Nov-12 09:38:13

even if mini keith has a different approach what does that even mean anyway confused he doesnt need to be pushed about and called fat, I would ask for an appointment and say well he doesnt need to be pushed about does he, he is maybe over friendly or 'something' but the teacher was evasive and dismissive imo

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:39:23

I'm getting angrier now! I specifically asked about his social skills at parents evening as I am worried he's a bit intense. He has one 'best friend' and can rely on him a bit much. She said everything was fine.

Strawhatpirate Tue 20-Nov-12 09:39:32

I agree with Beertricks nothing justifies four boys ganging up on him.

We had an episode of DS at the age of 6 getting very upset that people wouldn't play with him. We discussed this with his teacher and getting got him to understand that he couldn't just go up to kids and say you should play my game now. He learned to ask if he could join in and now at the age of 8 is happily playing with the other kids in the playground. Tag games seem to be the most popular game.

Furoshika Tue 20-Nov-12 09:40:02

No but you can say 'you know, people don't like X (behaviour)' - when you find out what it is and if she has a point - 'if you want to play then what about doing Y'. Guidance not judgement.

We banned the use of 'best friend' for ages - mainly because at 6, DS1 had a good friend whose company we didn't enjoy for various reasons and secondarily because it's so emotive to little kids who can't use the term with any maturity.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:42:00

That's my thinkin, his lack of social skills aside, they acted very badly and he needs to see that's their fault, not his. And fat? He's not even bloody fat. They are just scrawny wee scraps! He was worried about eating his porridge this morning in case it made him fat.

Mrsjay Tue 20-Nov-12 09:42:46

She said everything was fine.

sometimes things change and evolve are you worried about his social skills do you think he is a bit intense ? try and not be angry about it

diddl Tue 20-Nov-12 09:43:17

Well, rightly or wrongly I think I would be tempted to tell him that not everyone might appreciate his approach-so that he´s prepared for a negative response.

But also the other kids should just say no thanks, they don´t want to play.

Bullying is never acceptable.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Tue 20-Nov-12 09:44:18

So asking people if they're his best friend means the teacher sees it as inevitable that he gets beaten up? confused Gee, I'd hate to spend my breaks in that staffroom. Red in tooth and claw.

5inabed Tue 20-Nov-12 09:44:49

I know lots of kids who go about asking people to be their "best friend" and saying "you are my friend x, arent you?". My nearly 7 year old dd does this as does a lot of her peers, not sure what he has done to be pushed around, perhaps the teacher should be concentrating on the children who are doing the pushing rather than this ridiculous approach of let's change the behaviour of the wee soul who just wants someone to play with. Thats made me feel really sad that he feels sad then the teacher is making out it's his fault. Children of his age are just learning social skills and I would rather have a friendly child than a wee bugger that thinks it fine to push other kids about.

Strawhatpirate Tue 20-Nov-12 09:45:17

Sorry posted too soon! I meant to add that even if it was just one other boy, to justify a pupil being assualted for having an unconventional approach to friendship is horrible.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:45:59

I should prepare him to accept that 4 boys might push him about because of the way he is?

Mrsjay Tue 20-Nov-12 09:47:32

what 5inabedsaid
DD was pushed about and thrown against railings when she was 10 at school i got a phonecall there had been an 'incident' and Miss jay had been trying to join in a game with some boys and was being persistant (sp) so they threw her against railings, I was fuming

Furoshika Tue 20-Nov-12 09:47:43

Did she justify it, or say 'this might be why it's happened'? Very different.
The children are being punished so nobody thinks they are justified, surely?

BeerTricksPott3r Tue 20-Nov-12 09:50:15

No, you shouldn't prepare him for that. You've specifically asked about social skills - I don't see what you can have done if she said all was fine.

The 'best friend' thing is not encouraged where I work, or at DS's school. No exclusion from friendship groups is allowed on that basis (or any basis for that matter).

You can tell him that mithereing other children about 'best friends' isn't a good way to get on with everyone, but the pushing and namecalling is a separate issue and the school should be addressing it with the boys concerned.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Tue 20-Nov-12 09:50:16

If he does need any steer with his social skills I would leave it out for now, myself, and maybe bring it up in a while when this incident has been forgotten. It's too confusing a message - "Yes, the boys were naughty and they are being punished BUT you could change yourself anyway."

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Tue 20-Nov-12 09:53:44

Just seen that the teacher is going to be "talking about it in class today" hmm I presume that will be in general terms "This is how we play nicely" etc and not public victim-blaming!

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:55:51

I bloody hope so!

That's the bit that got me she said 'we'll be talking about it as a class and doing some work around it' so hopefully it's going to cover all bases.

seeker Tue 20-Nov-12 09:57:24

I'm not saying that he "asked" for it or anything awful like that, and obviously the boys should be punished for the pushing and the insults. And the teacher phrased things incredibly badly.

But. At about this age, my ds lost his temper with a friend, and thumped him. The heavens descended on him both at school and at home. However, when all that was over, the friend's mum and I had a meeting with the head teacher, and the other mother started the meeting by saying "Honestly, I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner- X would try the patience of a saint!" X was very bossy and inclined to police the playground, and the school put in place some strategies to help him learn better social behaviour. So while it's obviously never the victim's fault, sometimes an incident like this can be a wake up call that the victim needs to modify their social behaviour a bit too.

marquesas Tue 20-Nov-12 10:01:51

Without knowing the specifics I can only comment generally so if after hearing what the teacher has to say I thought my child could improve the way they interact with other children I would definitely talk to them about it.

There are two separate issues - I'm sure no one would ever say the bullying was acceptable but that doesn't mean that your child doesn't need help with social skills as well. There are some things that, looking back, I wish my parents had spoken to me about when I was younger that would have helped me as a young adult.

It wasn't until I went to university that I realised that I interupted people while they were talking - not a biggie but an irritation that I could have learnt to avoid as a child if someone had spelled it out to me. I really was unaware how much I did it.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Tue 20-Nov-12 10:02:57

Well, you kind of are saying he asked for it, Seeker. "sometimes an incident like this can be a wake up call that the victim needs to modify their social behaviour a bit too." It's hard to know how else to read that.

But regardless, I think addressing a social skills problem well after the main kerfuffle is all over and punishments have been dealt out is a different thing. If it all happens as basically part of the same incident and fall-out, the victim will get a mixed message.

Allonsy Tue 20-Nov-12 10:04:07

This makes me sad, ds is 6 and really dosnt know the best way to approach people or pick up on ques to back off, he really gets in people face and dosnt get the concept of personal space at all, he often gets shoved out the way and i do worry that as his peers age they may lash out, i would be furious with the teachers reaction. Yes children like this can make themselves a target but there is no excuse for others lashing out, all children at the school should be taught to be understanding and to never hurt others or call them names no matter what.

seeker Tue 20-Nov-12 10:06:29

I suppose what I am saying is that sometimes people do ask for it- but that's no reason to give it to them! Responsibility for the thump always rests with the thumper, not the thumpee.

seeker Tue 20-Nov-12 10:08:17

Sorry, pressed to soon- but it isn't doing the "victim" any favours not to try to find a way to help him manage social situations better.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Tue 20-Nov-12 10:10:10

No, I just don't think it should be part of the same process - ie happen on the day after the incident.

ToffeeCaramel Tue 20-Nov-12 10:10:59

I think you definitely need an appointment to speak further about this. You need to hear what she thinks your son did and what she thinks the other boys did in retaliation. Her story about what the other boys did may be different from what your son says, so you discuss this

Kethryveris Tue 20-Nov-12 10:11:52

my best friends DS is a child who.. well, i'm not going to say 'asks for it' but he certainly doesn't help himself, iyswim?

He has no friends, and gets bullied and picked on quite a bit, but having watched his interactions with my DS who's a couple of years younger, i can see why it might happen. He has this way of winding other children up to the point of frustration!

He also has a habit of trying to play with people who've made it quite clear they dont like him and want nothing to do with him because his behaviour constantly gets them into trouble... and boys being boys, when they want rid of someone they get physical. Then the next day friends ds will seek them out again and start goading them.

The only way my friend can solve any of this is to try and teach her ds about social interaction and how to treat other people, because if she doesn't he is going to carry on alienating the other children.
He's not autistic nor does he have any social development problems, shes had him thoroughly assessed.. he just has an objectional personality at the moment and its a parents job to teach their kids how to interact nicely with other people.

marquesas Tue 20-Nov-12 10:12:09

I agree with Seeker, I've seen socially awkward children trying to play and fit in after school and it would be a shame if no one helped them to learn. I'm sure lots of us have come across adults who just don't know how to interact with others (not talking about SNs) in work or social situations and in most cases it's probably very easy to fix.

I don't read Seeker's comments as condoning bullying though.

I agree with seeker- sometimes a row is begun by one child. Bullying is always unacceptable, but if, for example, he nicked their ball and said my game is better than yours, the ensuing melee is wrong, and hitting is wrong, but would not in that case be bullying. You need to find out exactly what she meant, as bullying should not mean your ds should change, but if he is behaving inappropriately then you can help him.

beyoglu Tue 20-Nov-12 10:13:03

Wow. There would need to be a HELL of a lot of missing context in what that teacher said for me not to think she's basically blaming this wee boy for being bullied! YANBU.

BarbecuedBillygoats Tue 20-Nov-12 10:13:21

I'm afraid I don't have any advise
We've been there though. The school was so determined to blame everything on our child and our parenting. We moved schools and all our children are thriving (I would say beyond thriving as they are excelling) and there is no bullying or leaving our tolerated. As Beer said its just not tolerated and they are all helped learn how to deal with other people and not by sating 'oi you, youre doing it wrong!'

missymoomoomee Tue 20-Nov-12 10:13:28

As far as I can tell from your posts the school have taken it very seriously, they have punished the boys, spoken to them and are doing work in class to deal with it.

I think the teacher is just trying to give you a (badly worded) heads up about the manner in which your son approches others. It could end up with him being ignored if you don't deal with it.

If a teacher said this to me I would be inclined to have a chat with my dc.

ToffeeCaramel Tue 20-Nov-12 10:16:05

I think sometimes when kids goad other kids it's because they just don't have the skills to make friends the normal way, so when they are continually rejected they take out their anger and frustration on the other kids by goading them. They perhaps think that having negative attention from other kids is better than being ignored. (I'm referring to the boy Kethryveris mentioned rather than the OP's son.)

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 20-Nov-12 10:16:10

Perhaps you could advise the teacher that her way with phrasing things could lead to being pushed and shoved by a parent that wasn't as decent as you and perhaps she should address this.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Tue 20-Nov-12 10:19:57

We are all adults discussing this. We know there is no equivalence between hitting someone and having poor social skills. We are able to spot that there may be a problem with a child's social skills but that this nonetheless does NOT mean that thumping them is justified or invited in any way shape or form - we can hold those two thoughts in our heads simultaneously.

Children at this age, surely, are just learning this stuff. That's why I would think it's best to be very clear about it - treat each strain of behaviour in isolation. Not go down the route of trying to be somehow "even-handed" saying "On the one hand x was wrong to do this but on the other hand y was wrong to do that", because a 7 year old isn't necessarily going to appreciate the underlying subtleties that we do about which thing is just a problem to be solved, and which thing is actually wrong.

Selim Tue 20-Nov-12 10:20:31

I agree with Seeker.

Have you read 'the unwritten rules of friendship'? My ds is typical of the provocative/vulnerable child and also the sensitive child. He does need help knowing how to approach other dcs, how to join in, how to understand how he comes across to others and its unhelpful to let him flounder based on the idea that other people should be more accommodating of him. Its akin to not getting him glasses because its not his fault he is short sighted.

Kethryveris Tue 20-Nov-12 10:20:51

Toffee.. i agree, and i've seen him do it with my Ds.. its helped to some extent because his mum can see where the problems might be that she can work on with him.

its probably not entirely fair on them, but we're using his interacting with my two dc's to try and teach him some better social skills!

BarbecuedBillygoats Tue 20-Nov-12 10:23:05

#thats the thing isnt it. You cant just take him to one side and say 'you're doing it wrong you should do this' you have to help them learn by doing and those around help by reacting but not overreacting

DeWe Tue 20-Nov-12 10:24:54

I agree with seeker too. I've seen it from both sides.

Dd2 can try and join a game along the lines of "I'm playing with you now and this is the way we're going to play it. No you're wrong if you want to play it differently". Then she goes crying if they say "no she's not playing".
We've been working hard at the way she plays, giving her ways of suggesting, not ordering, and if everyone else disagrees, even if she sees they're wrong (as long as no one is going to get hurt, or is breaking a rule) then she goes with the majority vote. She's getting better, but still forgets sometimes. She has often been hurt at not being allowed to "join in" but if they let her, expects them all to do what she wants. That's not going to win her any friends and she has to learn to be a friend not be the boss.

Ds had a child in reception who would target him with irritating behaviour. Things like he'd be doing a jigsaw and would walk past and pull one piece out and drop it on the floor. Another time he kept squashing the sandcastle he built. But he doesn't do it once. He'll keep doing it. So Ds would tell him "stop it" in increasing frustration until he'd snap at round about the 4th time and hit him.
Then he'd be in trouble for hitting (which is right, and I supported that) but it wasn't bullying. Actually, as his long suffering teacher said, it was more the other child was bullying him as he was making a target of ds, whereas ds would have hit any child who did that. But I know that they were struggling with the other child's parents because they were just saying "he's only playing", and feeling hard done by.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 10:25:11

Seeing things a bit clearer now.

I'm happy the school are dealing with it. Me speaking to the teacher was more about my son seeing that I'm there and listening to him. I was taken aback with her reaction.

However I can see her point a bit. I will speak to him but treat it as a totally separate issue. He's kind and all the rest of it, maybe just a bit in your face at times and does get upset when he's ignored or dismissed. How do I help him with this?

Selim Tue 20-Nov-12 10:31:29

Ds also found this book very helpful at that age. It honestly is completely pointless to just dig your heels in and say the other dcs are the bullies, they are the ones who will have to change because they are in the wrong. They are in the wrong and they will have to change but the dc being bullied also needs to know how to deal with it it a more constructive way that will break the cycle.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 20-Nov-12 10:33:15

OP yanbu 4 against 1 is wrong just for starters and I hope your DS doesn't feel put off trying to join in. Glad the boys in question did get a ticking off. I hope teacher talks about both sides of the coin, how to ask to be included without being a pain and how to turn someone down without name calling or jostling.

Is there a 'buddy bench' in the playground for those children not in groups?

Just referring to what other posters describe, sadly the lonely kid does often resort to winding up other kids because any attention is better than none! It's not just the socially inept or unpleasant who get blanked as they get older. Everyone else gets along and without being overtly cruel, kids do exclude others, it's the old glad-it's-him/her-not-me scenario. Even the "nicest" children can be quite ruthless.

GooseyLoosey Tue 20-Nov-12 10:36:52

Agree to treat your son's social skills as a separate issue.

I have been there with ds (9). He was bullied for a long time by a group of his class mates. I could see why they would pick on him, but it didn't make their behaviour any better. I told the school this. I was happy to work with them to improve ds's social skills, but at the same time they needed to provide a safe and secure environment for him and address the behaviour of those children who made it otherwise for him.

Do not let the school use your son's issues as an excuse for the others. It is not.

blanksquit Tue 20-Nov-12 10:38:10

I find with my 7 year old that it's usually a chain of events that end up with the resultant fall out. Recently she got pushed against a wall and had some minor injuries. When I got to the bottom of it, she had caused the argument and wound the person up beyond.

Not saying this is the case at all for your ds. But I'd be wanting to find out exactly what happened and how it escalated to this. The teacher has implied there's more to it. I'd be finding out what.

In my case, I could then talk to her about how to deal with a situation like this in the future without it resulting in somebody getting hurt.

For some social skills seem to come naturally, for others they need a bit of guidance.

blanksquit Tue 20-Nov-12 10:41:35

Sorry took so long to write my post, it's all moved on and now seen your reply.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 10:48:34

No that's ok it's all useful.

Goldmandra Tue 20-Nov-12 10:51:49

Social skills is a part of the school curriculum and it is therefore the teacher's responsibility just as much as it is yours if not more to help your DS.

If she feels he is approaching children in an inappropriate manner she should be explaining this to him and modelling the language he could use instead.

She should also be planning a whole class activity to help all of the children understand and accept differences.

IloveJudgeJudy Tue 20-Nov-12 13:09:23

I agreed that you need to discuss with your DS why people don't play with him. We had the same with DS2. We questioned his way of playing and found he wanted it all his own way. Honestly, things changed overnight for the better.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 13:12:20

How did you get him to stop wanting it all his own way?

Just not sure how to raise or discuss this!

mummmsy Tue 20-Nov-12 13:16:41

hmm seeker, perhaps the other child's mother was trying to be kind to you and your son, instead of saying 'yes, dc was assaulted, you're child is a bullying little thug!'

violence is never the answer, and name-calling and exclusion in the playground is bullying. I'd be mortified if it was my dc calling some other kid fat and there'd be serious repercussions at home for it

mummmsy Tue 20-Nov-12 13:17:22

sorry your child, not you're grin

seeker Tue 20-Nov-12 13:56:48

"hmm seeker, perhaps the other child's mother was trying to be kind to you and your son, instead of saying 'yes, dc was assaulted, you're child is a bullying little thug!'

violence is never the answer, and name-calling and exclusion in the playground is bullying. I'd be mortified if it was my dc calling some other kid fat and there'd be serious repercussions at home for it"

What a helpful contribution to the debate! I know the mother and the child very well- if I thought she was "trying to be kind" then I wouldn't have posted.

Things are very rarely completely black and white. Obviously sometimes they are, but not usually.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 20-Nov-12 14:13:29

I realise your DS is too young for Cubs mrskeithrichards does he go to Beavers or something similar where he can get used to other children? I know this doesn't help immediately and it's clearly more structured than school playground but he'd perhaps gain confidence and be able to assert himself better. There's also Woodcraft Folk or Boys Brigade, and later on stuff like sea cadets, don't know where you are but perhaps there's something around your area. (Sorry if the whole idea's not your thing).

DeWe Tue 20-Nov-12 14:16:01

Do not let the school use your son's issues as an excuse for the others. It is not

This really says it well.

At the same time the school is dealing with the others' behaviour at school. You deal with your dc behaviour at home as well.

I found roll play gets it across best for mine-you play him. "No you're not doing it that way. this is the best way..." They get cross and say you're not being nice. So then you discuss how you could do it nicely.

Dd2 has a set of phases. "Do you think we could...?" "What if we did it this way?" "Could we try...?"
Also she has get out phases. If she's getting upset because they seem to be ignoring her ideas (or not giving the due importance she thinks they deserve) then she says "I'm going to the toilet/drink of water" "I need to see Mr. X" "Oh there's Y, I said I'd show her something."
Being able to get out without loss of face is a great thing. Then when she comes back she's often thought about it and is more ready to accept their ideas.

It takes a long time of practice for them to be able to put it in when things are stressed though. It's not a quick fix. Ds could tell me a year ago what he should have done. By the summer term he sometimes did what he should do in a streeful situation. Now he usually does. But it's been a long struggle.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 14:20:05

He does beavers and karate just now.

seeker Tue 20-Nov-12 14:30:06

"Do not let the school use your son's issues as an excuse for the others. It is not"

Absolutely. But as a completely separate point, do not let the fact that other children have behaved outrageously excuse the school and you from helping him understand how social interactions work, and learning strategies for dealing with others.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 20-Nov-12 14:36:14

this resonates with me.

DS has AS and his social skills were lacking - he tried so hard and wanted to fit in and play but he just had no idea how to do it. He would go up to people and say "excuse me, please may i join in your game" which opened him up to being told "no". he was 7 when he was diagnosed.

DS was referred to a social skills group that was run for kids whose social skills lacked somewhat - but its different when they are trying to fit in with kids of the same age who have no issues with social skills.

i think i would go back in and ask for a quick meeting with the teacher and possilbly the SENCO who should be well versed in how to help kids who are a bit socially awkward.

my sons primary school were terrible tbh. They simply took the view that he brought it all on himself and refused to engage with things like "circle time" or buddying. it made for a very very difficult time for ds at primary. he is now 20 (21 next week!) and doing his computer science degree at uni. Things gradually got better for him the older he got, but i think the school could have done way more for him.

its easy for kids with any social skills difficulties to become isolated and their self esteem to suffer. Keep asking questions of the school.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 20-Nov-12 14:43:02

you also need specifics - you need to know exactly what he is doing that the teacher or other kids find objectionable.

my DS was the police man of the class room - he never let the teacher turn a blind eye to any wrong doing so ingrained was his sense of justice and right and wrong. he was probably a pain. He also had no idea about how things may affect others feelings - so we did lots of exercises at home on feelings. I always got the feeling that hte teacher didnt like him and i felt this didnt help - and she was actually a nice woman. (ive met her since at several social functions!)

he once pushed another childs toy on to the floor because he ran out of room on the table for his jigsaw. there was no malice at all - he just saw a problem (lack of room) and saw the solution (make more room by removing objects in the way!) he did not realise the reaction it would promote. these things do need teaching in a child with any social skills difficulties. but they need a sympathetic approach - after all - its not their fault and i think other children need to be taught to react in an appropriate way.

KurriKurri Tue 20-Nov-12 14:50:39

OP - sorry I haven't read all the thread, so don't know if this has been suggested, but this book is very helpful I have found for children (and adults) who struggle a bit socially, and sometimes get things a little bit wrong when making approaches.

Your son sounds like a lovely boy, and I don't think that asking people if they are his best friend is particularly out of the ordinary for a 7yr old, but if you think he is finding things a bit difficult in the playground, the book has all sorts of suggestions and things to practice that may help him smile

Good luck.

mrskeithrichards Wed 21-Nov-12 08:17:39

Thanks for the perspective and advice. Spoke to the teacher again yesterday at pick up who said he had a better day and a lot of it is related to his 'best friend'. If he isn't there or playing with someone else my son struggles. We're going to have a chat about it all but leaving it until tomorrow because I don't want to link the two issues and make him feel he was at fault.

IloveJudgeJudy Wed 21-Nov-12 09:02:59

I'm glad you the teacher has given you something concrete to work with. In our case Ds changed his behaviour overnight and has not had any trouble since. I really think that some DC need to have pointed out to them that others have a point of view and feelings different to theirs. I just asked DS how he would like it if other DC tried to take over his games and 'boss' him about. I gave him different scenarios and asked him how he would feel. Luckily he got it straight away. It sounds like the teacher knows what's going on. Enlist her help, too, if your DS has any more grief. I wish you luck and know it's hard when you feel so powerless to sort it as you're not there.

MrsCantSayAnything Wed 21-Nov-12 09:27:58

I wanted to share what my DD's teacher did for her last year when she was struggling in the playground. DD was also 7..she was new to the school and shy (also slightly quirky but no diagnoses) her teacher began a thing where playtimes were about learning traditional circle games and she would choose a new "Games Master" every time....the games master had all the games cards and got to choose which game was played next and also who took what part...she told me that DD taking her turn at being the games master would help her....and it did.

They did this for almost a whole half term...one playtime a day....she also told me that in a class of 30 kids there were more than only DD who needed help and that it helped them all.

It really did help.

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