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Actually, I think my sis is being selfish and unreasonable

(142 Posts)
BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 18:29:05

My Mum who is retired and lives on her own is really unwell. She has been hospitalised, and has since been discharged, but still very poorly, while she waits for a procedure which she will be in about 3 or 4 months time.

Me and 2 other siblings have been caring for Mum since she became ill about 6 weeks ago - calling every day to prepare meals, do dishes, laundry, shopping, make cups of tea, have a chat etc. Even when she was in hospital there was a fair amount in terms of laundry, visits etc. We all have DC, jobs etc, but it is no problem to do it as we are all really worried about Mum. Another sibling has even flown home from abroad to help out.

Mum is finding it really hard to get up and down stairs - thank goodness she installed a downstairs bathroom a couple of years ago. Yesterday she said she was thinking of buying a 3 seater sofa so that if she is too unwell to go up to bed, she can stretch out on a longer sofa and sleep on it (she only has a 2 seater sofa at the moment).

We have a further sibling, the baby of the family, who works abroad - let's call her Barbara. She is single with no DC. She moved out of her flat here about 8 years ago, and moved abroad to study, and now works abroad - it is unlikely she will ever return to live here. She has used 2 of the bedrooms in my Mum's house to store her furniture and possessions since then, making these 2 rooms unusable, but Mum doesn't mind.

When Mum said yesterday about buying a sofa, I immediately thought of Barbara's 3 seater sofa which has been in one of the bedrooms for the last 8 years. This would be a perfect solution, as Mum isn't even well enough to go shopping for a sofa, doesn't really have the income to be able to afford it (would be using savings), and probably only needs to use it for about 6 months until she has had her procedure and recovered. I suggested this to Mum, who said she would ask Barbara.

So today I was speaking to one of my siblings, who told me Mum had asked Barbara if she would be able to use her sofa. Mum had given assurances that she would care for it, use throws etc. Barbara has said no, she doesn't want Mum to use it.

[Mouth hangs open] Un-fucking-believable. So, is she being unreasonable?

Nobody will say anything other than how unreasonable she is.
Its gobsmacking.

MissCellania Mon 19-Nov-12 18:31:08

Never mind that, tell her to fuck right off and just use it! Or tell her to come and remove it all and pay for the last eight years storage fees, and you can use that to buy a couch.

MarasmeAbsolu Mon 19-Nov-12 18:32:00

sad that is very sad

WhenShallWeThreeKingsMeetAgain Mon 19-Nov-12 18:32:08

Yes - your sis is being precious and horrible. I'd just use it to be honest. Fuck her.

millie30 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:32:52

Your sister is an arse. Tell her that her precious sofa is now on the front lawn awaiting her collection, along with the rest of her junk.

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 18:33:50

I know. I want my Mum to go for a private consultation, and Mum is dithering because she can't afford it. I have told her I will pay.

The thing is, it is a nice sofa, but it's not even pristine - Barbara put a couple of cigarette burns in it.

I don't think I trust myself to phone Barbara to discuss it, I am so annoyed.

freddiefrog Mon 19-Nov-12 18:34:22

Massively unreasonable.

Give Barbara 3 choices

1. She stores her shit elsewhere
2. She pays for the use of the 2 bedrooms, so your mum can buy herself a lovely new sofa with the money
3. She lets your mother use the sofa

Although, I'd be using the sofa regardless by now

howardbear Mon 19-Nov-12 18:34:39

of course she is!! use it anyway, selfish cow!!

Isityouorme Mon 19-Nov-12 18:34:41

What a bitch! Just use it ...,,

BOFingSanta Mon 19-Nov-12 18:35:03

Sod her- just use it. And tell her that if she's not happy with it, tough, she can start paying storage for her stuff.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 19-Nov-12 18:35:55

Bill her for the last eight year storage fees, tell her to move every single stick of furniture out of the house by the end of the week or it gets tossed.

What was her reason for refusing? What does she plan on doing with this furniture from abroad?

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 19-Nov-12 18:36:16

Yes those 3 options from Freddie

Your sister is a bitch.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Mon 19-Nov-12 18:36:26

What freddiesaid.

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:36:38

Absobloodylutely i agree with millie30

DowagersHump Mon 19-Nov-12 18:36:38

I wouldn't have even asked tbh ...

kinkyfuckery Mon 19-Nov-12 18:36:50

Wow, that's incredibly selfish. I agree with the options freddiefrog said.

Am glad your mum has some children who do care about her

piglettsmummy Mon 19-Nov-12 18:37:15

She is being very unreasonable! If it was me asking. Dd and she said no id turn round and tell her to get her shit out of my house!!

freddiefrog Mon 19-Nov-12 18:37:36

If she's abroad, is she ever going to know?

Just use it, and if she kicks up a stink give her a weeks notice on her storage facility.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 19-Nov-12 18:37:49

That is shockingly selfish. I'd check storage rates locally and send a bill to your sister on your mum's behalf. That will more than cover a lovely new sofa for her. I'd encourage your mum to tell your sister she needs to organise to get rid of her stuff or you will to get her house back.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 19-Nov-12 18:38:26

X-posts with everyone all thinking the same thing!

Dillydollydaydream Mon 19-Nov-12 18:38:50

I would just use the sofa, sod her.

PickledFanjoCat Mon 19-Nov-12 18:38:53

Does she know how expensive storage is?

What a horrible thing to do.

I sincerely hope your mum is stretched out on that sofa as we speak!

FromEsme Mon 19-Nov-12 18:39:42

Barbara sounds like a knob.

Lavenderhoney Mon 19-Nov-12 18:42:14

I suggest you call your sister and explain. Also tell her you need the space as you and your siblings might need to stay the night. Or your mum is going into warden accommodation, which might be an option anyway at this stage for you - she can take her furniture etc.

However, your sisters furniture is now in the way and it has to go. Either she comes herself and arranges its removal or arranges a company to do it. By the end of the month. She has saved miminum £200 a month and I can bet if you total that up, it's more than her furniture is worth. So she has a few days to decide something which she has had years to think of. There are plenty of storage companies she can have access to online and them to pick up.

Does she vist your mum? Is she planning on coming home for Christmas?
How awful, I hope you hide it from your mum as best you can, she might worry about it, but in no way should your sister deny her or profit from it.

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 18:43:19

Mum would never just use it without my sis' permission, and now that she has said no, I know my Mum won't want any of us to make a fuss. I actually feel really guilty now for putting Mum in a position where she asked and Barbara said no.

She will be home for Xmas (staying at Mum's shock) so she would know if we just used it. Mum would never do that anyway.

TwistyBraStrap Mon 19-Nov-12 18:43:42

Barbara is being a bitch. I'd use it anyway tbh.

Crinkle77 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:44:29

If she has not used it for the last 8 years then why does she still need it?

fridayfreedom Mon 19-Nov-12 18:44:44

How about clearing a whole room so that Mum can have a lovely downstairs bedroom as a sofa is not that comfortable for longterm sleeping.
Either move the stuff upstairs or put it into store and send sister the bill.
Wouldn't ask her about any of this , as she is not there to pull her weight or being helpful by allowing you to help Mum. In your shoes I wouldn't even tell her when it's done.

FromEsme Mon 19-Nov-12 18:44:55

Then you need to get rid of her stuff and put it in storage. Don't involve your mum if she's going to be soft about it.

Selfish cunts like this really grind on my gears.

fuzzpig Mon 19-Nov-12 18:45:23

Bloody hell, no of course YANBU.
I agree with billing her or turfing the stuff out TBH if she's going to be such a callous cow about it!

AThingInYourLife Mon 19-Nov-12 18:45:31

She won't let her sick mother use a sofa she hasn't used for the best part of a decade that is stored in her mother's house?!

Really!?

Sick mother. Kind mother. Massive favour. Not using.

Just... unbelievable!

How awful for your mother to find out now what a horrible bitch she's raised sad

At least she has the rest of you.

pointythings Netherlands Mon 19-Nov-12 18:45:57

8 years of storage fees would more than pay for the ultimately swanky sofa, with probably something left over for private docs too. Your 'D'sis needs to get a reality check right now.

I'd phone her and give her what for! In facy, I'll do it for you if you want! What a cow! I bet she'd be on hand for a share of the loot if your poor mum passed away!

fridayfreedom Mon 19-Nov-12 18:47:00

sorry didn't read it properly, assumed she had stuff in downstairs rooms

suburbandream Mon 19-Nov-12 18:47:28

I wouldn't even be asking Barbara to be honest, I'd just get the sofa downstairs so your mum can use it then tell Barbara what's been done. End of.

cheeseandmushroomghostie Mon 19-Nov-12 18:48:01

It's in your mums house. Use it.

ProcrastinatingPanda Mon 19-Nov-12 18:48:58

Chuck all her furniture out, rent out the two bedrooms and use the money to buy a lovely new sofa.

expatinscotland Mon 19-Nov-12 18:50:02

Fuck her. I wouldn't have even bothered asking her if it were sitting in my fucking house for 8 years.

I'd go in there and sell all her shit and buy your mother a couch.

My chin is on the floor at Barbara's behaviour.

I would ring her and tell her the sofa will be used by your mum or she can move everything into storage at Xmas time.

Will she look after your mum at Xmas time or will she expect to be looked after? If its the latter then she can stay in a hotel!

shinyblackgrape Mon 19-Nov-12 18:51:57

That is so horrid

If it was my sister mind boggles, I'd just give her a call to catch up and then, in the course of the call, mention the sofa. I'd say that poor mum had obviously got confused and said that Barbara had said she couldn't use it fancy that however, you knew that there was no way that Barbara had said that so you're going to move the sofa for her

If she has the cheek to say no mistake, yiu can then have at full and frank discussion with her!

quoteunquote Mon 19-Nov-12 18:52:25

Barbara is out of order,

but it is hard when you are not up close to a situation to really understand what going on, she probably in denial as to the going on at home,

my youngest sister found it hard to grasp and understand how thing really were when she was living in the States when my mother had cancer, she went into a sort of shock when she came back, she could only visualise mum as she was before she left.

having spent quite a bit of time on the sofa after having a lot ops recently, I recommend a large wide feather one, you do have to drop the cushions on floor once a day to puff up, but it's amazingly comfortable and holds you in the position you need to be in, I can't recommend it highly enough, but it has made a huge difference to me, put "feather sofa" into ebay there is always good quality long wide one available.

addictedismoving Mon 19-Nov-12 18:53:21

I'd be telling barbra not to be so selfish that mum was going to use it and then tell mum that barbra said it was ok, then when barbra came home for christmas I would have a few choice words for her if she dared even object to its use.
the cheek! shes practally taken over your mums house and has no plans to use it in the near future. technically I think it now belongs to your mum anyway, call it abandand. but youd need some one with a better legal brain than mine!

HRH008 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:54:50

Please send me Barbara´s number, I´ll phone her.

If I were you I would call Barbera to discuss it and if she still says no then say that she will need to use her time home at Christmas to find somewhere else to store her stuff. One good turn deserves another.

What an utter fucking bitch.

freddiefrog Mon 19-Nov-12 18:57:53

Ring her, don't worry about trusting yourself on the phone. Give her both barrels.

I think I might tell my mum that I'd double checked with Barbara and she was mistaken, of course she could use it. Then if she kicked off at Christmas, chuck all two rooms of her shit into the front garden and tell her to store it elsewhere.

Kalisi Mon 19-Nov-12 18:59:00

Yadbu for putting this on Mumsnet and making me so angry
Your sister sounds fucking horrible. I'd call her and make her ring your Mother and apologise. What a selfish,entitled,spoiled little bitch! Or just email her a link to this thread. Hopefully then she can see how much of a twat she is.

nilbyname Mon 19-Nov-12 18:59:17

Yes, please send Bab's details my way, I will put hr right.

Bloody fucking horrible, shame on her.

I would write a very very snitty letter from all the siblings, get everyone to sign it telling her what a totally selfish, vile rat she is being. VILE.

shiney makes a good suggestion

IceNoSlice Mon 19-Nov-12 19:07:19

Clearly YANBU and Barbara is BU.

However, if I was in the position I don't think my DM would like have her DCs fighting and certainly not over something she was involved with. That would cause her stress that she doesn't need. So, protecting DM would be first priority here. Try not to involve her further and see if you can sort this with Barbara amicably as (guessing) that would make your DM happy.

I second the poster who suggested Barbara perhaps doesn't fully comprehend the seriousness here. When my DGrandma got ill, DM dealt with all the practicalities of care home etc and my DU (lives overseas) didn't get it until he saw for himself.

Wait till tomorrow when you're calmer and call Barbara for a chat. Or if you won't be able to stay calm get one of your siblings to call. Explain exactly how things are. Say you need the room for when you stay over to help your DM. Also say how much more comfortable DM would be on the sofa.

If Barbara still doesn't see sense perhaps use the more strong methods suggested above!

ENormaSnob Mon 19-Nov-12 19:18:07

Barbara is an utter cunt.

chinam Mon 19-Nov-12 19:57:38

The cheeky cow. Either your or one of your siblings needs to grow a pair and tell this woman where to go with her precious sofa.

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 20:19:09

It gives me no pleasure to hear people saying she is BU and selfish, but I am gutted by the way she has behaved.

I honestly thought that asking her for use of the sofa was purely a formality. I suppose it was wrong of me to assume she wouldn't mind.

We have always known that Barbara is very self absorbed - I suppose it is classic family dynamic of the youngest being able to get away with it (apologies to all the youngest MNers who aren't self-absorbed), but it has never manifested itself in such a horrible way before.

Perhaps it is a case that she doesn't realise how ill Mum is. I am seeing every day how it takes Mum a good half hour to muster the energy to get to the loo, and even then it is with help. It is completely uncharacteristic of my Mum to even say that she needs to spend time lying down on the sofa.

nilbyname Mon 19-Nov-12 20:26:03

Well, you need to do something about it. I would. You need to talk to Babs, and she needs to make a big change.

frumpet Mon 19-Nov-12 21:02:46

Are you sure Barbara said no ? I just wonder if your mother would rather have a nice new sofa , rather than her daughters fag burnt cast off ?

hermioneweasley Mon 19-Nov-12 21:07:32

Call her and tell her, very calmly, why this is not ok and how ill your mother is. If she still doesn't offer then tell her you are throwing out her stuff as there is a balance of rights and responsibilities within a family.

picnicbasketcase Mon 19-Nov-12 21:08:39

Your mother is so ill that she needs assistance to get to the loo, and your youngest sister wont let her use a sofa that's sitting there doing nothing. For fucks sake. How callous and selfish can she be?

And I thought the 'joint party' thread would be the most shock thing I'd see on here today.

witchitagrub Mon 19-Nov-12 21:13:36

I think you do need to speak to barbara actually just to make sure there havent been any crossed wires..

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 21:23:55

Mum has a lovely new sofa that she bought recently, it's just not long enough for her to lie down on, so I'm sure there is no ulterior motive on my Mum's part. Also she's not fit to go and choose one, and she could use her savings elsewhere.

Yes, I need to speak to my sis. My DH was shock when I told him, then not so shock when he recalled seeing an e-mail from a friend of sis saying she was a selfish c--t about something she had done.

I just feel so dreadful about how this has made my mum feel.

DIYapprentice Mon 19-Nov-12 22:01:59

Wow.... just.... wow.... How utterly selfish and self absorbed!!! (And I'm a youngest in the familiy MN with a very ill mother, but unlike your sister I flew over to help for 5 weeks when I realised my DSis and DBro were struggling with the care/situation!)

But on a more practical note - 3 seater sofas tend to be large things, and not everyone can always fit one into a house when they move so get yourself onto Gumtree and/or Freecycle and see if you can get one cheaply/free for your DM. Or perhaps a day cot would be better? Think day cots might be a little higher than some sofas so your DM would find it easier to get out of it.

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 22:36:54

DIY, great idea about the daybed.

maddening Mon 19-Nov-12 23:00:45

Give Barbara hell. Seriously ram that sofa where the sun does not shine! Ok a little aggressive but am angry on your mum's behalf!

FTRsMammy Mon 19-Nov-12 23:09:46

She's being very selfish and thoughtless
What Freddie said

FTRsMammy Mon 19-Nov-12 23:10:59

Sorry freddie

<mutters to self about not knowing how to mnet properly sad >

whois Mon 19-Nov-12 23:18:21

What the fuck???

I thought this was going to be a martyr "I care for mum 10x a day and sister only does 2x" thread until the sofa paragraph.

Seriously, your sister needs to be told she is a fucking selfish bitch and she owes mum £x in backdated rent and sofa needs to e moved out. F sofa isn't moved out it will be sold/binned/used.

Sister can not be for real?!? No one is that redic surely? I'm thinking there has to be a misunderstanding...?

MonthlyName Mon 19-Nov-12 23:25:41

Can we all email your bitch selfish sister, or shall we just fill up a thread which you can email the link too?

Popumpkin Mon 19-Nov-12 23:34:55

I can't believe what I'm reading here shock.

Your poor, poor mum. How dreadful to suffer such selfishness at the hands of your own child. She may not be "wanting to make a fuss" outwardly but I bet she's heartbroken inwardly. Not so much about the sofa but more about the blatant refusal to help. sad

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 23:35:45

Too late to phone tonight. I had taken tomorrow off work with the intention
of moving the damn sofa. Will maybe just ring her tomorrow and tell her I am moving it regardless.

Just use it.

Barbara will never know. Tell your mum it's fine. You can always replace it if Barb comes home and kicks up a stink. How fucking weird, to object to your own mother using a piece of furniture she is storing for you! shock

And if she DOES ever find out, well, WTF is she going to do about it?

Fakebook Mon 19-Nov-12 23:40:41

8 years! What a greedy cow. Just move the sofa!

Lavenderhoney Tue 20-Nov-12 02:37:30

And Barbara is also saying over Christmas? I assume she is not using your mum as a free hotel whist she goes and parties all night? Babara will help decorate, clean, cook, sit in with your mum , get rid of the furniture right?

Or will Babara be really busy catching up with her uk friends and be too busy and mum doesn't mind? Plus i expect mum will be lending her money - if she has to Hire a car for her stay, its not cheap!
ask her to give her share today for the new sofa, or you will sell her furniture and they money will pay for it- she won't pay for storage she wod sell or ship it.

She should get her gear out.

It's very difficult for your mum, but yor sister cannot be allowed to cause problems.

MidniteScribbler Tue 20-Nov-12 02:54:42

Where does Dsis live? If it's Australia, I'm happy to take a posse and go throw rotten eggs at her house. Not sure where I can rustle up a posse these days, but I'm sure there must be ways.

What a twerp. Just use it. If she has a problem with it, she's free to get all of her belongings moved from the property.

MammaTJ Tue 20-Nov-12 06:07:34

Jus use it and if she doesn't like it when she visits and sees for herself how poorly your mum is, then maybe she will flounce off again!! grin

MoleyMick Tue 20-Nov-12 06:51:25

I'll be in your posse Midnite!! <fellow Aussie>

HecatePropylaea Tue 20-Nov-12 06:56:53

I think I'd say our sick mother could really do with the use of this sofa that she has kindly stored for you for ten years - along with everything else - to make her day just a little bit more manageable.

If you don't like it, I suggest you arrange to have your things moved out of her house and you pay for storage.

TheNebulousBoojum Tue 20-Nov-12 07:01:40

If all of you got together and wrote an email saying how selfish her attitude is, do you think that might dent her unbelievably egocentric attitude?
Or send her a link to this thread!

nilbyname Tue 20-Nov-12 07:41:17

Good for you! Move that sofa!!

Isityouorme Tue 20-Nov-12 08:18:30

Move that sofa ..... Move that sofa ......!!!!

AmberLeaf Tue 20-Nov-12 08:26:18

I echo what Frumpet said, are you sure your Mum actually asked Barbara?

IvanaHumpalotCountDracula Tue 20-Nov-12 10:13:05

Send Babs an email, copying in your other siblings. That way you can control what you say (no flustered arguments) and as you've copied in the others no one can claim "he said, she said".

cees Tue 20-Nov-12 10:27:11

If this were my sister then I would have rang and fucked her off from a height if she dare be so cruel to my sick mum, who is storing her crap for the last 8 yrs.

Your mum is sick what is wrong with your sister, that is just so mean of her.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Tue 20-Nov-12 10:31:12

Sorry your Mum is so ill beryl does your sister even give a flying one?
You must speak to her, (after you've moved the fucking sofa BTW) fair enough she is abroad, so doesn't care for your Mum, but this is the one thing she has been asked to do, and she has refused, you need to tell her how out of order she's being.
Your poor Mum must have been gutted when she said no to her?

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Tue 20-Nov-12 10:46:22

I'd just use it anyway.

sleepyhead Tue 20-Nov-12 10:57:52

Wow. Just wow.

To be honest, it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask in that situation.

lisianthus Tue 20-Nov-12 11:18:11

Completely incredible. Deffo call her to make it absolutely clear how sick your mother is. Your mother could quite possibly have completely understated how she is to avoid worrying Barbara, if your mother is anything like mine. Although even then, Barbara would STILL ve massively U after having stored it with your mother for 8 years.

Then read her the riot act.

scarletforya Argentina Tue 20-Nov-12 11:27:04

Oh my God, what a selfish b**ch !!!! shock

I would go to some storage companies and get quotes for the cost of storing however many cubic metres of stuff is in your Mothers rooms. Then I would email the brat with those quotes and a strongly worded mail tearing a few strips off her explaining what a bloody disgrace she is.

Unbelievable.

shesariver Tue 20-Nov-12 11:47:58

I second all these suggestions but realistically if your Mum is the way she is then you wont will you, although I would just go ahead and use it anyway. Barbara sounds as if she is used to getting her own way and has little if any thought to others feelings. There is no need for you to feel bad but your sister sounds like a real nasty piece of work, its horrible really.

Plomino Tue 20-Nov-12 12:46:31

Personally , I would ring Barbara myself , just to hear her say the words from her own mouth . Then , if she still refused , I'd be telling her her fortune .

And at Xmas , her card would have a picture of all her belongings on the drive . Decked in tinsel .

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:53:30

Please tell you've spoken to Barbara and it was a misunderstanding and your mum is comfy on your sister's sofa.

Wow .... just, wow. I cannot imagine why anyone would be so unkind. I second the idea of a blunt and frank email explaining exactly how ill your dmum is, and how much difference the use of the sofa would make to her. Plus pointing out how much your sister has saved over the years because your mother has kindly stored all her furniture, and how letting her use the sofa is the least your sister can do in return. And letting her know how much she will be expected to do over christmas - no 'Mum's Hotel'.

shesariver Tue 20-Nov-12 16:28:42

I like plominos suggestion grin

MistressIggi Tue 20-Nov-12 17:38:06

I pay over £80 a month for a storage room the size of a box bedroom.
Would be sad if there was a flood in the OP's DM's house this winter, wouldn't it..

Nux Tue 20-Nov-12 17:52:16

I am so keen for an update - any news OP?

pointythings Netherlands Tue 20-Nov-12 18:06:35

£80/month, multiplied by 12, multiplied by 10 = £9200.

Send Barbara a sodding bill. Charge interest. Get your mum a fabulous sofa and a private doc. Bloody hell!

hygienequeen Tue 20-Nov-12 19:30:59

thanks for your Mum and wine for you !

BerylStreep Tue 20-Nov-12 20:00:43

Well I spent the day round at Mum's today, and I discussed it with my other sister who was there when the phone call was made. She had actually already phoned Barbara the day before and had asked, and Barbara sounded quite hungover and grumpy, and she said she would phone Mum and discuss it directly.

So apparently the conversation went along the lines of Barbara saying to Mum that the sofa reminded her of a particular era in her life, and because of that she didn't want it used. She offered to make a contribution towards a new sofa for mum (although that wouldn't be likely to be more than £100 or so).

My sister has said she will speak to Barbara and tell her how disappointed she is at her behaviour, but thinks there is no point getting annoyed about it because it will only upset Mum, especially when she is unwell. There's no way Mum will tell her to clear her stuff, or charge her for storage.

She's such a selfish arse.

FFA it's an eight year old sofa! Your sister is a twat and I hope you tel her so! She has filled two rooms of your mothers house with shite for EIGHT YEARS, just because she can't part with old memories??!! Your mum could rent those rooms out I exchange for help in the house!

ivanapoo Tue 20-Nov-12 20:23:10

The sofa reminded her of a particular era of her life?

Was that the era when she wasn't being a total arsewipe of a daughter?

So angry on your behalf OP...

catsmother Tue 20-Nov-12 20:23:16

Oh FFS. What bloody difference would it make to Beastly Babs if your mum used her sofa ?!

The one that's been gathering dust for 8 years ...

If that selfish spoilt brat had any sort of heart she'd tell your mum she couldn't use the wretched thing because sleeping on a sofa that isn't a sofa bed probably wouldn't be very comfortable long term, but "tell you what mum, I'll order you a brand new sofa bed online so you have something decent and supportive to rest on when you need to" and "no, don't try to talk me out of it, I want to do it to say thanks for storing all my things all this time".

Quite obviously she's not going to do anything like that and frankly, after 8 years I think she's relinquished any "rights" over the thing. I personally think you and your sister should move the sofa regardless (unless you can get a decent sofa bed ?) - it is absolutely ridiculous and spitefully petty that Brattish Barb is vetoing this. It seems your mum is nervous of "upsetting" her ..... maybe it's time the rest of you put a verbal rocket up Barbie's bum and told her this is what's happening - for the sake of your mum's health. I think you'd be justified in laying on the emotional blackmail very thickly indeed and telling this brat that if she had any compassion she'd call your mum up and apologise for her pathetic attitude and allow the sofa's use. Don't pussy foot around her - she deserves to be blasted.

nilbyname Tue 20-Nov-12 20:32:07

Oh dear, look at that, red wine spilt all over the sofa, and I didn't even notice, no for ages....

Oh bugger, I left a manky old clothe on the sofa, I think it might have gone mouldy, oh no....

Shit! That bloody dog got in there after a wet muddy walk and has been asleep on the sofa for ages!

Tee hee hee....I would for shiz!

FromEsme Tue 20-Nov-12 20:42:23

What a shit excuse.

I am furious on your and your mother's behalf.

Pm me Babs' number, and I will put her straight!

LucyGoose Tue 20-Nov-12 21:31:25

I am disgusted with your spoiled sister and her sh*tty attitude. So attached to a sofa, after 8 yrs? WTF? With your mom ill and wanting to lay out??

Its good she's coming over at Xmas so she can see what is happening in the real world. And I hope you all have a good word with her then.

maddening Tue 20-Nov-12 21:51:04

All that is left to do now is to take a shit on thwarted sofa.

maddening Tue 20-Nov-12 21:51:21

The sofa blush

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 20-Nov-12 22:57:57

She hasn't even made an excuse. Reminds me of a period of my life? What does that even mean in the context of a soft furnishing? Remembering a sofa doesn't stop it being unusable as far as I know. Could you talk to your sister yourself and explain what you have here? If she has the full facts I don't see how she can refuse your mum's reasonable request to use the sofa.

I would be tempted to go back and say how the sofa will now always hold memories for you of how little she cared about your ill mother.

You need to call her on this.

Your mother doesn't need to know and you all can make it clear she is to be kept out of it when you talk to her about it.

You tell her in no uncertain terms that your mum is far more ill then she realises, never being there. And that you find her attitude selfish in the extreme and would she mind getting rid of some of her possessions to free up your mother's rooms as she now spends more time downstairs.

I don't understand why you are pussyfooting around this grown woman. I think that's probably why she is so spoilt - precisely because of that.

Oh and at Christmas i hope she gets a bloody good wake up call!

fuzzpig Wed 21-Nov-12 08:32:20

Indeed, bringback. Maybe as a present you could get her a little tiny doll's house sofa hmm

captainmummy Wed 21-Nov-12 08:49:41

Use the damned sofa - it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. When she is over at xmas you can point out how ill your Dmum is, how she needs a downstairs 'bed'.

Then if she still wants it storedaway again - start priming your mum about moving to a bungalow (a 1-bed) as stairs are actually too difficult for her now. Then sis will have to shift her rotting stuff.

BerylStreep Wed 21-Nov-12 08:51:16

Pussyfooting around is precisely what I am doing, I'm not proud to admit it.

With such a large family, any conflict in the past has usually been characterised by (the offender usually) going off into a complete strop, what with attack being the best form of defence, dragging everyone else into it, and creating a family feud for about 3 years before it gets resolved.

I am so upset on Mum's behalf, but I will get told by Barbara that it's none of my business and to butt out. Mum won't thank me for causing aggro, so I will end up being in the wrong. It's really for Mum to call her on it, but she probably wouldn't at the best of times, and certainly not now that she is so unwell.

Hmm, writing it down makes it all sound very dysfunctional. Not far from the truth.

QuickLookBusy Wed 21-Nov-12 08:59:43

Beryl I completely understand why you are reacting as you are. As your mum is ill there isn't any use in upsetting her.

I do think as your mum has to buy something new anyway, hat a day bed would me much more comfortable for her than a sofa.

I really hope your sister realises how outrageously she is behaving when she visits at Christmas.

dinkystinky Wed 21-Nov-12 09:30:16

Your sister is definitely being unreasonable - I'd call her and explain the situation properly (I suspect she wasnt listening when your sister called if she was hungover and your mum didnt explain how ill she is when she called) and see if she still says no. If she does still say no, I think it is entirely right and proper that she makes a proper and meaningful payment towards a new sofa, or even better, a bed that can be housed downstairs (if there is space) for your mum - after all, she's been enjoying free storage courtesy of your mum so its time for her to do something nice back for her.

Lavenderhoney Wed 21-Nov-12 09:30:53

Sentimental memories of a sofa? That sits in your mums for 8 years? She is having a laugh. So much so that these memories are worth more than your mum being comfortable and the risk of you all not talking to her again. However taking a job thousands of miles away does strike me as not being someone who would mind that as it would not really affect them.

I assume she has a sofa where she lives now? Will it be hurt when she leaves it for Christmas? And the one at your mums, does she give it a cuddle? 'woman, x yrs, marries sofa. Family stunned."

Is she married or have a bf? You can imagine the conversation -

babs ' yeah, got this old sofa I love and it lives at my mums under a pile of other stuff. Been the for 8 years. And my mum is now really sick and asked to use it. The cheek! I love that sofa. My sisters are really fed up with me. No one understands. The cheek of them!' I know she is very sick and frail, and I never use it or see it, plus it's got fag burns' No, I don't have a photo of it.

Bf- what?

Babs- so, are we still getting married?

Bf - no! Runs away screaming

Babs- tosser. The cheek of it.

Your mum knows what she is like. I think your mum can't cope with the stress over a sofa, but it's not really the sofa, it's about her lack of empathy and love, and you having to put up with it.

Make sure she sleeps on it when she arrives for Christmas.

diddl Germany Wed 21-Nov-12 09:33:39

Perhaps when your sister sees how ill your mum is, she´ll change.

And yes, your mum should have dealt with it by now.

But-you are there now & if it needs dealing with now, then it does tbh.

So move the sofa if necessary & deal with it when sister comes over.

Or, get a sofa bed if that would be more comfortable.

diddl Germany Wed 21-Nov-12 09:53:13

TBH I´m amazed that Barbara was even asked.

It´s been in your Mum´s house for 8yrs-isn´t it hers by now??!!

Is everyone frightened of Barbara?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 21-Nov-12 12:10:58

If your OP has been, "is my sister being unreasonable and selfish for taking up two rooms at my mum's house with her old furniture for 8 years while she lives abroad", I would have said a resounding YANBU. For her now to be so unkind to your mum when she is sick is beyond horrible. I actually think it is worth making a fuss over although obviously without your mum being aware of it. Getting rid of all the excess furniture in case your mum does need to move to a bungalow seems sensible to me too.

SpinningBirdKick Wed 21-Nov-12 12:30:03

Firstly, I must apologise for your sister being a twat

...just use it- what's she going to do- sue you all?

Precious, ignorant ungrateful bitch....

Felicitywascold Wed 21-Nov-12 12:43:21

This is outrageous. Please tell me you are going to give her what for?

BlueberryHill Wed 21-Nov-12 13:12:55

First off, your sister is behaving so badly, everyone is saying she is a twat, and she is. There is a great temptation to think fuck it, I'm using that sofa ro to just let rip at her and tell her what you think, she is being so unreasonable to not let you use it for your mother.

However, your mum, you and your other sister have so much to deal with right now, physically and emotionally. Forget Babs and your sofa, unless you think that you can get her to change her mind without an argument. Your mother is unlikely to feel happy using it and she doesn't need a family argument about it right now. Get her another sofa / day bed and something that she will feel comfortable in. I'm so sorry that your sister is adding to your and your mothers stress at this time, don't let it eat you up and focus on what is important, your mother feeling as comfortable as possible.

captainmummy Wed 21-Nov-12 14:23:33

I agree with Quick - it's more than about the sofa. The arguments in a large extensed family are not inconsiderable - however, I'd put the feelings of my mum (ill or not) above my concern for my little sister, in any family feud, any time.

You and your sister have choices - your mum buys a day-bed and sis leaves the furniture where it is for a quiet life, or your mum has to move, into sheltered accommodation/warden assisted flat/nursing home/ in with you; or into a smaller, single-storey place.

Sis will have to move her stuff out sooner-or-later, and sell it/charity it or dump it.

quietlysuggests Wed 21-Nov-12 14:36:06

Could you quietly work on your mother, in an apparently unrelated way, to clear out the rooms?
It would be the best revenge.
Tell your mothr you need the rooms available so that her granchilden can stay / study, so that x person can stay over should she need greater care, that you have heard that home helps need an available room, I dont know but get that selfish bitch's shit moved out..

BerylStreep Wed 21-Nov-12 16:09:51

I am hoping that Mum won't have to move into assisted living - hopefully once she has this procedure in 3 or 4 months time, she will be a bit better.

Ha, I like the suggestion of saying the rooms need cleared to allow people to stay! When my other sis & her family come to visit, they have to stay with me because there is no room at Mum's! Not that I mind, it is great to have them staying.

All the siblings except Barbara are going out tonight. I suspect it will be raised then, but BlueberryHill is right, Mum won't want to use it anyway if she thinks it hasn't been loaned freely.

ValentineWiggins Wed 21-Nov-12 16:14:09

See if there is anything stored in her boxes that could accidentally leak all over the sofa?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 21-Nov-12 16:31:49

Family meal sounds like a good time to decide on a united front to present to Barbara. She can't continue to take up valuable space at your mum's without allowing the stuff to be used when needed. I feel genuinely annoyed on your behalf especially at a time when you and your other siblings are under such pressure.

I'm sorry, but I'd be sabotaging that sofa! <<evil>>
What's so special about it anyway? Did she lose her virginity on it? Give birth to her first child on it?
She needs to move her shit, so that when your mum has her procedure, people can stay and look after her.

Fairylea Wed 21-Nov-12 18:35:15

I would just use it. If it's unlikely she will ever come back then she will never know... and if she does come back and find out then.. oops. Tough shit.

captainmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 18:09:13

Any news Beryl? How did the family conflab go?

AmIthatScary Thu 22-Nov-12 23:57:05

I hope your Mum gets better and I have nothing else really to add, other than total angry and incredulous at the cheek of your youngest sister

Truly breathtaking in her selfishness and self entitlement

BerylStreep Mon 26-Nov-12 08:33:00

The sisters went out - we didn't discuss it.

I talked to my Mum the other day, not about Barbara and the sofa, but about what we can do for her - I wanted to move her single bed to the living room, but Mum is resistant because it would look so 'old person', having a bed in the living-room, which I agree with. She is going to look at day beds or chaise long.

NervousAt20 Mon 26-Nov-12 08:36:45

shock that's disgusting! Your mum should say fair enough, you've got a week to get your shit out of my house or its going out on the streets I know she probly wouldn't but its what she deserves

MistressIggi Mon 26-Nov-12 10:39:05

It seems very odd that you didn't discuss this with your other sisters when you had the opportunity to.
It seems you are all enabling her behaviour for some reason (and surely by doing so, not supporting your mum?)

BerylStreep Mon 26-Nov-12 16:22:58

I didn't raise it because I don't want to be accused of stirring things. There is previous experience of me being made the scapegoat of the family. I feel bad enough that I raised the damn sofa in the first place.

I have no idea why my other sisters didn't discuss it. Barbara is coming to my house for Christmas day - I plan to tell her before that I am not impressed at her behaviour.

OddBoots Mon 26-Nov-12 16:32:28

Seems a bit odd, especially her offering some money towards a new one. Do you think the has old love letters stuffed down the back of the cushions or something?

Theicingontop Mon 26-Nov-12 16:39:29

Use it anyway. Anyone who could be that possessive over a piece of furniture (that she's stuffed in a room for 8 years) to the detriment of their own mother doesn't deserve to have their wishes abided by.

MistressIggi Mon 26-Nov-12 17:02:06

Tell her to spend Christmas with her fecking sofa.

cazza40 Mon 26-Nov-12 17:15:35

Your sister is a complete bitch

LemonBreeland Mon 26-Nov-12 17:22:35

It is so wrong that you are all pussyfooting around this selfish bitch. I feel so sad for your Mum.

Surely it would be usef for people to be able to stay with your Mum once she has had her procedure. Find a reason to get your sisters shit out of your Mums house.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Mon 26-Nov-12 18:25:11

Tell her that the stuff needs to be moved into storage if she can't be bothered to show any consideration for mums illness or the use of her space.

Adversecamber Mon 26-Nov-12 19:17:07

Sounds like all the sisters are scared of Barbara, what an utter cow your sister is. I am afraid I would fall out with any of my sisters that treated my Mum like this and my Mum is not a very nice person at all. I am one of five sisters one has fallen out with two of the others. She was evil to them and I didn't have anything to do with her for three years. I let her back in to my life and she was badly behaved yet again.

LemonBreeland Mon 26-Nov-12 19:26:25

I would also like to know why you are having her to your house for Christmas. She wouldn't be welcome if she was my sister.

BerylStreep Tue 27-Nov-12 16:59:35

Everyone is coming to my house on Christmas day. They always do. It would be completely out of order to exclude her, 2 wrongs not making a right and all that. Having said that, I am not prepared to pander to her usual dietary requests this year, such as making a special dish of braised cabbage just because Barbara likes it.

She comes home 2 days before Christmas, so I am planning to ask her then why she wouldn't let Mum use her sofa, not that it will make a jot of difference by then, as Mum won't use it.

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