to think if 2 of your children have been taken by their dad

(41 Posts)
mamamibbo Mon 19-Nov-12 14:51:17

and they other 2 are very close to being taken into care (different dads) becuase you havent been looking after them properly

then you should try and make an effort with the ones you still have

my neighbour is screaming at the 5 year old thats playing out in the pouring rain with out a coat on, ive no idea why he isnt at school sad shes using words that shouldnt be said to small children

i know i should keep my nose out but i feel sorry for the kids sad

MrsCantSayAnything Mon 19-Nov-12 14:52:58

Ask her if she'd like you to look after him for a couple of hours. sad

DameMargotFountain Mon 19-Nov-12 14:55:10

AIBU to think that there are many other things to think that you could be doing rather than typing this out on an anonymous forum?

go and ask her if she needs any help ffs

or if it's gone past that, call someone who can help her and the DCs

SamSmalaidh Mon 19-Nov-12 14:56:32

Rather than keeping your nose out, shouldn't you be actually doing something to help those children?

mamamibbo Mon 19-Nov-12 14:57:20

i cant go and offer help because we've had bother with her before and had to report her to her landlord and i dont know who i could call, ive rung ss about her before and they are involved

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Mon 19-Nov-12 14:58:10

Yes, you should be doing something. If SS are already involved, this is about the time where it would be appropriate to call them.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Mon 19-Nov-12 14:58:28

Please phone them again.

DameMargotFountain Mon 19-Nov-12 15:00:20

so, you're not going to help her, or the children and thought you'd set up a nice little discussion over the 'net for what reason?

mamamibbo Mon 19-Nov-12 15:01:59

just a quick list of things ive done

rung the police every time shes left them (10,5,2 and 8 months) alone in the house at night and after finding her 2 year old walking down the street alone and no one answered the door
rung ss because the children were crying to me that they were hungry (after speaking to the school)
rung her landlord becuase she threw all her rubbish into the garden the children played in and i could see rodents in it
spoke to her sure start family worker
spoken to school

i sound like im harrassing her

LadySybilPussPolham Mon 19-Nov-12 15:02:16

Have you got net curtains?

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Mon 19-Nov-12 15:04:16

You're not, you're doing what you can for the kids. I mean FFS one is 8 months. Go call the police on 101 or SS again.

Hopeforever Mon 19-Nov-12 15:04:24

Why are you getting so cross with the OP?

She has called SS, she is concerned, she is stuck listening to unhappy kids.

Also, unless you struggle to parent yourself it's hard to understand how others do

mamamibbo Mon 19-Nov-12 15:05:07

oh and once when she went out and left the 10 year old and 5 year old playing out and tghey decided to play chicken

the 10 year old is friends with my 10 year old at school,

Maybe less children would be at risk if communities all worked together to support a parent who is struggling.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Mon 19-Nov-12 15:06:06

I do struggle at times, I certainly don't have DS out in the rain in Nov with no jacket and I also don't scream and swear at him.

And leaving them in the house alone! shock

quietlysuggests Mon 19-Nov-12 15:06:55

Maybe she is a nasty horrible person who hates children.
They do exist too you know MN!

mamamibbo Mon 19-Nov-12 15:07:10

and i started the conversation because its upsetting me that its still happening and this way i can talk but stay anon

SucksToBeMe Mon 19-Nov-12 15:10:37

You sound like you've done a much as you can tbh. If you did knock on the door and offer help she would most likely shout and swear at you too. At least ss can keep an eye on her.

I don't get why people are being harsh to you OP. It sounds like you've already done a lot and its an awful situation. I'd call SS again though.

longingforsomesleep Mon 19-Nov-12 15:14:47

and presumably, mama, you also hoped that someone might have some constructive advice to give instead of having a go at you! You've obviously done a lot already to try and help. It amazes me she still has any children given the behaviour you describe. Leaving them alone and hungry at night? We all snap at our kids and perhaps behave inappropriately at times, but it sounds like she is a lost cause. It sounds like any practical help you offer - looking after them for a couple of hours, feeding them etc would just be a drop in the ocean. Sounds like they need to be taken into care.

Nancy66 Mon 19-Nov-12 15:17:15

jesus - why all the nastiness towards the OP - she's not the one mistreating her children.

tethersend Mon 19-Nov-12 15:44:33

Am also baffled by responses to the OP.

mamamibbo, you need to call Children's services and report what you've seen, even if you've called them before. It's evidence like this which allows SS to investigate and take action, which sounds appropriate in this case.

"Maybe less children would be at risk if communities all worked together to support a parent who is struggling."

Even the most well-meaning community can place very vulnerable children at greater risk by taking action to 'support' an abusive parent. Community support has its place, but it is no substitute for social services, and sounds like it would be inappropriate in this situation.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 19-Nov-12 15:46:49

Me too tether.

Strikes me the OP is letting off steam.

Sounds like the OPs neighbour has no idea how to look after children

RandallPinkFloyd Mon 19-Nov-12 16:02:48

She could a neglectful cow who doesn't give a shit about her kids.

She could be a desperately sad woman with PND or similar who just can't cope and is clinging on by her finger nails.

Only she knows the truth.

Either way it would seem that both she and the children need help.

It doesn't matter how many times you've called SS before, if you really don't feel able to offer her some help yourself, ring them again.

And keep ringing them every time you see something that you think they need to be aware of.

If things really are as serious as you've written them on here then those children's live's are at risk.

(To be totally honest if she has a police record for leaving such young children at home alone I'm surprised she's not in prison never mind still in sole unsupervised charge of her kids.)

DameMargotFountain Mon 19-Nov-12 16:05:32

i'm cross because the OP (and her initial replies) is talking about how bad this other parent is, not how helpless she's feeling

OP, have you called SS again yet? this family needs help, and they won't get it unless the agencies know how bad it is for them

maddening Mon 19-Nov-12 16:10:05

That isn't struggling that is plain neglect. No amount of the op offering help to her will help this woman be a good mother to those children.

Op call ss again.

tethersend Mon 19-Nov-12 16:11:30

I really don't think popping round and offering help is any substitute for much needed Child Protection intervention.

Even if she is "a desperately sad woman with PND or similar who just can't cope and is clinging on by her finger nails.", if her actions are impacting on the children this severely (which they clearly are), the SS need to be involved.

What I mean is, the reasons the woman is behaving in this way shouldn't affect the action taken if the effect on the children is the same, as it's about their needs, not hers.

NoraGainesborough Mon 19-Nov-12 16:13:35

Call as and tell them what is happening right now. She may be telling the SW everything they want to hear. They need to know what's happening when they are not around.
I do think you have done what you can, but aibu not really the place to 'chat' about this when you feel you can't do anymore. Perhaps asked for this to be moved to chat.

Popumpkin Mon 19-Nov-12 16:18:29

Not that it matters that much, but which two children have been taken by their dad? The older two? Just trying to gauge the ages of the children left in the home.

Please phone SS. It may seem as though you are harrassing her, but you must for the sake of the children. They deserve to be cared for properly, hopefully SS can help their mother to do that.

BonaDea Mon 19-Nov-12 16:26:01

Leave the OP alone. God the AIBU threads are the worst for jumping down people's throats.

OP - as others have said, it doesn't matter whether you have rung before, you need to ring again. If anything happened to any of those children, you would feel awful not to have done something. The woman needs help and the kids definitely do.

fromparistoberlin Mon 19-Nov-12 16:28:58

how horrible to have to see this day to day

if you dont want to speak with her (and I get why), keep a diary and just keep logging to SS

I am with Michael Gove on this one I am afraid, get those kids off her asap

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Mon 19-Nov-12 16:46:15

Poor kids, as the others have said report it to SS. Ultimately if she is sad and suffering PND they are going to be much better placed to help then the OP.

BegoniaBigtoes Mon 19-Nov-12 17:03:25

There are countless threads on here by people still living with the damage their parents did to them and who have very bad relationships with them and/or take the difficult decision to cut them out of their lives (and some have been by me). Those crappy parents get a right pasting and their adult children are supported. Well how do you think it starts off? It's so odd that on here some people see it as judgy or snobbish to remark on terrible parenting by their own generation, but if it's the generation above us it's acceptable to mention it. I don't get it. Likewise if an Mner posted about her exH treating their kids like this how much sympathy would he get?

I would call SS again, it's all you can do OP. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this - OTOH it's good that those kids have you to notice them. Noticing and reporting seems like the right "community" response in this case.

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 19-Nov-12 17:07:34

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 19-Nov-12 20:19:32

Evening all

tethersend Mon 19-Nov-12 20:24:04

Evening Olivia smile

Can a personal attack be a personal attack if it isn't aimed at anyone specifically?

Just asking...

blackeyedsusan Mon 19-Nov-12 20:24:41

good evening olivia...

just popped in to see which bun fight you are refereeing.. grin

blackeyedsusan Mon 19-Nov-12 20:35:17

goodness op, a little harsh on you...

it seems the only thing you can do is keep referring to ss if you think the children are at risk.

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 19-Nov-12 21:12:02

It can be if I wrote it, Tethers. Olivia has it in for me.

MmeLindor Mon 19-Nov-12 21:20:21

Bloody hell. Sorry you've been given a hard time, OP. It sounds like you are doing what you can to help these kids.

As to the 'she may have PND and be struggling' type posts, suggesting the OP should be going around to help her neighbour -- I don't think I would get personally involved with a family like this one. The mum sounds awful.

She may have PND, or she may be an abusive twat of a woman who neglects her DC. It is not the OP's job to discover that, or to solve the problem. The best she can do is to continue to do what she has been doing. Informing the relevant authorities.

RandallPinkFloyd Mon 19-Nov-12 22:04:41

That's exactly the point I was making MmeLindor. I apologise if it didn't come across as I intended it to.

There are a million could be's.

The upshot is still the same. The children and the mother need help.

Therefore if the OP doesn't feel able or feel she wants to help, for whatever reason she needs to call the appropriate agency.

No she isn't responsible and no it certainly isn't her fault but it would appear that she is the only person who is noticing.

To me the OP sounds like she is finding the whole thing really upsetting. That's a good thing. It's horrible for her but finding it upsetting is exactly the reaction a decent person would have.

Those children need someone to get upset on their behalf and help them. It isn't right that it has fallen to the OP but unfortunately it has.

It's a shitty situation all round and if the authorities have been informed as often as stated earlier then they are failing both the family and the OP and they need to be held to account.

I feel for you OP I really do, you've done all the right things so far. It can't be easy. Don't be put of coming on here if you need to off load. (Just maybe avoid AIBU wink )

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