Locked out of DH's garage

(588 Posts)

Am silently fuming as DH has converted our garage into his 'studio' and refuses to give me a key. It has been about a year now and I didn't think much of it first, we agreed it was his place to work, is filled with his things and I had no desire to go in there.
However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house. There have been occasions when I wanted to access things (like blank DVDs or paint brushes) and couldn't get them.

I do go in there with him but I have asked for a key, several times over the last few months and he says I don't need one, it is just his stuff, he doesn't want me in there going through things etc.

If he had just given me one first I would have no interest but now it has become this big issue and his refusal is making me want to go through it (which is not like me, I know he has porn there & I don't mind, but he knows I know this so must be something else right?)

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

WorraLiberty Sun 18-Nov-12 22:19:47

YANBU, it's your house too.

Does seem a bit odd, why isn't the key just left in a safe place in the house?

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 22:21:27

People with nothing to hide, don't hide things

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sun 18-Nov-12 22:21:40

YANBU, i would change the locks when he was out.

Hassled Sun 18-Nov-12 22:21:42

YANBU. Do you think he does have something to hide (what? what?) or is it some horrid controlly messing with your head on purpose thing? I'd go insane not having access to part of my home.

FredFredGeorge Sun 18-Nov-12 22:21:43

YABU because you say you want to go through his stuff, he's allowed his privacy and as you admit he can't trust you he has to protect it with a lock.

He always keeps the key on his keychain and with him. It is odd isn't it....

Svrider Sun 18-Nov-12 22:22:37

There's got to be a reason he doesn't want you in there
Does he keep the keys on him?
Very wired

TheCraicDealer Sun 18-Nov-12 22:23:09

Wtf? I'd be tempted to put a lock on the bedroom door and tell him it was my "private space".

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sun 18-Nov-12 22:23:56

Yes, it is very odd.

GreenyEyes Sun 18-Nov-12 22:24:37

That's weird. Like, serial killer weird

FannyFifer Sun 18-Nov-12 22:24:38

He has something to hide or you would have access.

I would ask for key one more time then if he refused I would get a locksmith to open door.

It is both your house so this is not acceptable whatsoever & sounds pretty dodgy.

FredFredGeorge Sun 18-Nov-12 22:25:06

It's odd that he keeps a key on his keychain?

StuntGirl Sun 18-Nov-12 22:25:45

Do you jointly own/rent the house?

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Sun 18-Nov-12 22:25:59

It does seem very odd, and I'm not sure I'd be at all comfortable with it. My thoughts would be it's either a control thing, or he is hiding something. And if he knows you know about the porn, it has to be something worse. And that's worrying.

Narked Sun 18-Nov-12 22:26:16

What GreenyEyes said.

riskit4abiskit Sun 18-Nov-12 22:26:22

Not just weird. Sinister.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shrimponastick Sun 18-Nov-12 22:26:51

I wouldn't be happy with it . It's the secrecy. Not the fatct that he wants private space for his own stuff.

TheReturnOfBridezilla Sun 18-Nov-12 22:26:59

There are quite obviously bodies in there...

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sun 18-Nov-12 22:28:12

What shrimp said.

My dh has private stuff, it's in our room and i wouldn't look in/at it, he wouldn't feel the need to lock it away.

It's really very strange behaviour.

I'd feel the same. Its part of your house and keeping you locked out is just plain weird.

TraineeBabyCatcher Sun 18-Nov-12 22:30:07

Fredfred- really? I think the lock came before the want to go through his stuff.

There's no need what so ever for a lock that you have no access to. Had this been a new thing, I would have said wait 6 weeks and see what happens/appears at Christmas, but as its a long term thing then no YANBU.

Yup, weird. I would have broken in by now.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sun 18-Nov-12 22:31:47

I would also have broken in.

Seems very strange, get the lock changed when he's out so you don't give him the chance to hide the bodies anything.

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 22:32:18

I'd be very uncomfortable, he is protesting too much and definitely hiding something from you. And it must be bad to keep it under lock and key for a year.

Agree when he's at work you need to get in there, maybe have a friend with you

scarletforya Sun 18-Nov-12 22:32:21

I'd make like Jack Nicholson in The Shining and chop down the door with an axe.

AThingInYourLife Sun 18-Nov-12 22:32:26

Privacy isn't locking your wife out of a room in her house.

He can't ask a woman he clearly doesn't trust to trust him.

Just break the door down, OP. Find out what the fucker's doing in there.

stifnstav Sun 18-Nov-12 22:32:39

Is it a keychain like a prison guard would have? He could have a hostage!

I do go in there with him, it looks normal enough, just office stuff, couch tv etc so hopefully no bodies!!

FredFred - I didn't say I would go through the stuff, it looks boring enough it is just the fact I CAN'T have access that makes me want to IYSWIM.

We do jointly own the house & it's driving me crazy as to why!

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 22:34:30

Agree with what greeneyes said further up thread.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 18-Nov-12 22:37:22


Lock him out of the bedroom and bathroom and tell him he's not allowed a key

Disrespectful little shit, refusing you access to part of your own house. My first impulse was to say that you put a stop to this nonsense straight, telling him that you WILL NOT be treated like a child in your home.

But... Something about the way you've described this gives me the creeps. Tread carefully and don't put yourself at risk. Your husband's behaviour is not normal.

KellyMarieTunstall Sun 18-Nov-12 22:38:00

Do you go in when he is in there? Have a poke around ? Open drawers and cupboards? Sit and chat when you take him a drink or snack?

Is the door open and accessible to you when he is in and out?

All of the above are what is normal and expected . Anything less than this in a normal domestic setting is downright weird.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sun 18-Nov-12 22:38:40

Agree that privacy and secrecy are two different things. He is hiding something.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 18-Nov-12 22:39:28

We have a tool room which my DH uses and that I virtually never go in. The key is in a box with other keys in our kitchen so I can access it if I ever want or need to. This is normal I'd say. Having the key around his neck at all times and only letting you go in there when accompanied makes me shudder.

Tiredmumno1 Sun 18-Nov-12 22:39:58

Can you wait til he falls asleep and nab the key?

Viviennemary Sun 18-Nov-12 22:40:06

This would certainly begin to worry me. I'd be imagining all sorts and would have to go and search the place.

fuzzpig Sun 18-Nov-12 22:42:36

Do you have your own part of the house that is just yours and totally private? Somehow I doubt it.

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 22:42:56

DH has a shed with all kinds of tool-like shit in it

different size screwdrivers, and generators and wood and stuff

I have no interest in going in there, with the massive spiders

I could if I wanted to though, very easily
I wouldn't have to wrestle him to the ground for the key, nor wait until he was asleep and then do a Matrix-type intervention hanging from the ceiling while he was asleep to retrieve the key

OP...do you get how ridiculous this is ?

Tell him he gives you a key. Now.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Sun 18-Nov-12 22:44:57

What if there was some kind of medical emergency while he's locked away in there?

AThingInYourLife Sun 18-Nov-12 22:45:13

Yeah, actually scrap my previous advice to break in.

Could be too risky.

All you know is that you can't trust this man, he keeps big secrets from you and he has no respect for you.

I'd be taking steps to get away from him.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sun 18-Nov-12 22:45:20

AF But if she tells him he might storm off and get moody, giving him time to hide whatever crap he has in there!

usualsuspect3 Sun 18-Nov-12 22:45:24

My Dp is very possessive over his shed, but he doesn't hide the key.

He knows if I've been in there though grin

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 22:45:38

I agree with others that maybe you don't want to be confronting him, that if he has hidden something for this long it isn't just porn. I would be more inclined to try and get in when he's out with someone there with you even better if you know someone handy with a locksmith

Tiredmumno1 Sun 18-Nov-12 22:45:43

Or do it AnyFuckers way grin

BabylonPI Sun 18-Nov-12 22:45:46

Exactly what GhoulWithADragonTattoo says.

Here, the garage is DHs space, it's his workshop and tool store. I have no need to poke around in there, but if I wanted to, I'd get the key off the key rack and go and have a look. We both also have our own lockable boxes for filing stuff in, but again, the keys are on the rack in the kitchen.

Being denied access to any part of your own home is frankly, just weird. And quite worrying sad

bedmonster Sun 18-Nov-12 22:45:51

Eek, am I the only person reading this feeling scared? Don't want to put the frighteners on you OP but this is the kind of thing c4 documentaries are based on shock

RainbowsFriend Sun 18-Nov-12 22:47:14

Also genuinely worried - but I think there could be something illegal going on in there....

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sun 18-Nov-12 22:47:36

Bed No, not just you. I immediately thought of this guy.

grin confused

He is fine with me being in there with him, we sit & watch movies sometimes in there. I can't really open drawers etc as it is all work stuff and I can't think of any excuse to do that!

He does lock the door when we leave & never gives me the key even to borrow.

I thought about sneaking it while he slept but he has a security camera (a few recent break ins down the road prompted that instillation) not sure if it is actually on or not.

I just cannot think of why he doesn't let me in there. We get on great otherwise, no trust issues (that I know of). Whenever I ask for a key he just turns it around and makes me sound weird for wanting one.

Glad I am not being unreasonable!

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sun 18-Nov-12 22:48:31

A security camera!?


BabylonPI Sun 18-Nov-12 22:48:52

Have you ever read the Martina Cole book featuring a man called George Markham?

His shed was his own space and his wife wasn't allowed in there........

terribly unhelpful, I know

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 22:49:19

Are you going to do anything about this ?

or simply whip us all up into a frenzy of Dexter-based suspicion and then piss off ?

This is quite weird, isn't it?

Does he get angry when you push him on it?

I don't know about sneaking in. I got chills thinking you'd be having a look around and suddenly he'd appear in the doorway! sad

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 22:49:43

op could you text/let someone know in RL just in case something happens because its all so anonymous here? Even if you feel stupid doing it, if someone knows and something happens you can tell him other people know

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 22:49:53

the drip feeding is starting to grate a bit too

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sun 18-Nov-12 22:50:00

Agree with AF.

This is the type of thread that will definitely keep me up all night wondering.

BabylonPI Sun 18-Nov-12 22:50:25

A security camera??? Really?

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sun 18-Nov-12 22:50:32

Sorry op, a camera and you don't even know if it's on?!

It's all getting a bit beyond bizzare now!

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 18-Nov-12 22:50:44

Privacy is locking the bathroom door to have a shit.
Locking you out constantly and refusing you access and keeping the key on him at all times is NOT normal.
I'm quite concerned as you should be.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Sun 18-Nov-12 22:50:51

Uncle Quentin never locked Aunt Fanny out. And he did really private secret stuff.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 18-Nov-12 22:50:54

bedmonster - no your not. Something is definitely being hidden here. It might be money or drugs rather than bodies but something is odd.

Cahoots Sun 18-Nov-12 22:51:32

It is a bit wierd. hmm

scrumpkin Sun 18-Nov-12 22:51:39

This is really dodgy and I can't think of any innocent reason he wouldn't 'let' you go in. Like you actually need his permission.....

RainbowsFriend Sun 18-Nov-12 22:51:43

I was thinking drugs as well

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 22:52:08

Not really seeing this thread as drip feeding?! Just a conversation

GrimAndHumourless Sun 18-Nov-12 22:52:34

um we need to know what is his work

if he's a chippie or an author, meh about not going in the drawers

if he's an undertaker or PI then uh-oh

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 22:53:21

Sorry, moved on a bit from AF comment

bedmonster Sun 18-Nov-12 22:53:25

Bloody hell schro!
Op, if he was asleep he his security camera wouldn't wake him up would it? The only way he'd know was if he looked back through the footage (if its that kind of camera), and the only reason he would do that routinely without suspicion would be paranoia.

Babylon tell me more about this book? What happened?!

apostropheuse Sun 18-Nov-12 22:54:45

This isn't at all normal, right.

It's really quite creepy and I would be a little frightened personally. Goodness only knows what he has hidden in there. You know that he has porn so he's not hiding that from you. However, and I almost hate to say this out loud, but do you know what type of porn he has? Could he be hiding something like that? It sounds more feasible than dead bodies! What about some other illegal thing - like drugs or something?

I am probably way off the mark, but alarm bells are ringing. It does sound like he's got something to hide.

I think you need to get in there, safely of course, and see what's going on.

It's your house, you should have access to all the rooms in it.

BabylonPI Sun 18-Nov-12 22:55:18

I think it's called The Ladykillers wink

Bloody good read!!

bedmonster Sun 18-Nov-12 22:55:36

Am scaring myself now. Should really hide this thread.

BabylonPI Sun 18-Nov-12 22:57:36

Oh and when his wife entered his shed, and caught him masturbating, complete with gimp mask on, she ended up dead and met a very watery end in the cold water tank in the attic.

all very sinister

Ok don't mean to drip feed, have never posted much of any interest before, don't really know how it works!

I am getting worried now after some of the replies! I really don't think it is anything terrible, he doesn't scare me or anything it is just annoying more than anything.

I did suggest that a lock be put on the spare room as my 'space' but he happily agreed and I don't have anything to actually hide so it seemed too much hassle just to prove a point. I think I was just looking for reassurance that I wasn't being crazy when I asked for a key yet again

bedmonster Sun 18-Nov-12 22:59:23

Oh and just seen that he keeps porn in his shed? What? Is that normal practise then?

BabylonPI Sun 18-Nov-12 23:00:24

But that's the whole point op, he does having something to hide obviously, otherwise you would have a key.

HildaOgden Sun 18-Nov-12 23:01:04

He's definitely up to something.Stand your ground and get a key and come back and put us out of our misery

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 23:01:47

I think him being agreeable with your possible lock on the spare bedroom door was just trying to normalize the whole situation and deflect onto you, like he does when you ask for a key

BabylonPI Sun 18-Nov-12 23:02:30

Oh and my DH also has some porn, but he doesn't keep it in the garage, he keeps it hidden from the DCs on the highest possible shelf/back of a high cupboard.

ImagineJL Sun 18-Nov-12 23:03:17

My guess is that his porn collection has extended to include some nasty and possibly illegal stuff.

There is absolutely no way I would allow someone to lock me out of part of a building that I half owned. I suspect it's not even legal to do that!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 18-Nov-12 23:03:48

Does you DH's work involve him have highly confidential paperwork? That might need to be locked away from you and DH may think it's easier to lock the room than individual cupboards. That's an innocent explanation that comes to mind although I don't see why he wouldn't just explain that to you. It also explains why it's OK if he's with you.

Just googled it Babylon.

I shall be avoiding at all costs! I'll barely be able to sleep after this thread!

OP I would be inclined to think that if everyone here thinks it's creepy and weird, it probably is.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sun 18-Nov-12 23:04:21

OP, go and tell him he looks stressed and run him a bath and put his clothes in the wash and nick the key and look while he is in the bath.

cheekybaubles Sun 18-Nov-12 23:04:56

Don't you have any meters or anything that have to be read from the garage?
<hopeful columbo type investigation>

BabylonPI Sun 18-Nov-12 23:06:07

waltermittymissus she's one of my favourite authors, she's brilliant and her books are very gripping right from the first page. grin

PurpleGentian Sun 18-Nov-12 23:06:39

This is really, really odd.

Our garage is DH's private space, filled with his tools and half finished DIY projects. It's routinely locked when not in use, partly so DS can't get in and partly as a security thing against burglars. I have no reason or desire to go in there - but if I did, all I would have to do would be to go to our key cupboard and get the key out. That's normal behaviour.

And when you add in the stuff about the security camera? It really does sound like he's hiding something from you.

Does he lock himself in there, so you can't let yourself in when he's there? If he does, then you could argue that there needs to be a spare key in case he has an accident and is trapped.

'Dh, I am uncomfortable with being locked out of a part of MY home. You have one week to remove the lock from that door. If it is still there in eight days I will take a sledgehammer to it, and leave the doorframe unable to accommodate a door never mind a locked door. See to it.'

Seriously creepy.

elah11 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:08:37

he is definitely hiding something ! if it was just an issue of private space then that's one thing but keeping the key round his neck and having a security camera goes way beyond that. I would be a bit worried tbh as to what he doesn't want u to see?

quoteunquote Sun 18-Nov-12 23:08:43

what sort of lock is on the door?

somedayma Sun 18-Nov-12 23:09:12

oh this is giving me the creeps. If you demand a key he has time to move whatever he's hiding. I'd be tempted to get a locksmith to open the door when he's at work or whatever. But then I'd also be worried about how he'd react to that. shiver

Actuallylookingok Sun 18-Nov-12 23:11:57

Ran this passed my DH and he said that is seriously sinister. Don't like it at all.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 23:12:53

If I were you, next time he's due to be out for a good few hours I'd 'break in' - take someone with you who knows their way around computers and have a really good look everywhere, under the carpets too, hidden spaces etc. It is NOT normal.

If you don't find anything, when he kicks off, tell him that it's your house too and you will not be locked out of parts of it & you will have a key when he gets the locks/door replaced.

If you do find something... well - depends what it is doesn't it sad

I think though, if you don't find something suspicious in there, it's because you haven't found it, not because it doesn't exist.

It is weird. Could just be embarrassing porn rather than illegal or offensive? A friend of mine found his roommate's stash of porn once and it was porn with older women. Suffice to say, he never lived it down. These people were all idiots BTW.

If he can't come up with a decent reason, I would get a key off him immediately. I used to work for SS and my paperwork had to be inaccessible to anyone else as well, even when I was allowed to take it off the premises, which was incredibly rare. That would be a decent reason. Not I don't want to.

Felicitywascold Sun 18-Nov-12 23:14:31

Are you going to do anything OP?

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 23:14:50

purple has a good point. Does he lock the door ever when he's in there?
What job does he do?

Oo maybe his job is just a front for actually working for MI5? well its better than thinking of the alternative

somedayma Sun 18-Nov-12 23:15:03

OP do you think he could be growing weed or something and selling it? Are there cupboards big enough for plants and lights etc? otherwise I'd guess extreme/illegal porn.

OTOH maybe he's just a stubborn fucker and is enjoying winding you up

I think though, if you don't find something suspicious in there, it's because you haven't found it, not because it doesn't exist.


VolumeOfACone Sun 18-Nov-12 23:15:39

Weird and wrong.

TheDarkestNight Sun 18-Nov-12 23:15:44

Ugh, sounds horrid. I would be so angry at being kept out of part of my own home, though, I would have broken in ages ago!

DH says, he's either growing pot or has nasty porn. He says to take a crowbar to it, look around, fit your own lock and tell him he now has to ask you for permission to go inside.

Wow, your all getting me worked up now! I go through phases of it bothering me then I forget then reminded when I can't get something etc.

No confidential paperwork, no gas meters, no reason at all really to go in and often I don't want to that much.

I think I figured it was him having more porn than I thought (hopefully not illegal, that would not be good) or doing something on the computer eg web chats etc.

He doesn't lock the door when he is in there though, I can come and go as I please then.

cees Sun 18-Nov-12 23:17:01

How odd and downright weird, who does he think he is and why are you asking him for a key, tell him you want one and if he still buggers you about then get a nice locksmith in and get your own key which husband will have to ask you for.

I think if he was growing weed you'd smell it wouldn't you?

And she's allowed in when he's there. Yes, I said allowed. That's how ridiculous this is!

So he lets you in when he's in there. When you know he's in there. Does he have opportunity to go in when you're not around?

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 23:19:37

Is he ever at home when you're not home? Or is he always in there when you're free to come and go. Agree that if you ask for a key he has time to hide/destroy whatever it is he's hiding.
When he's out, locksmith + friend, good look and as above if you don't find it it doesn't mean its not there

RandallPinkFloyd Sun 18-Nov-12 23:20:52

You don't need to ask him for a key of your own. It's a shed.

Who has their own keys for a shed? Never mind actually carrying them around with them confused

You don't put a shed key on your keyring with the car keys and the front door key. The shed key lives on a hook in the kitchen.

Oddest thread in a long time and that's saying something!

CuriousMama Sun 18-Nov-12 23:21:21

Oo this is creepy.

I wouldn't make any fuss. Then look when a friend's with you. You have to know surely?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 18-Nov-12 23:21:25

I'd like to know whether the paperwork might be confidential. This is genuinely the only legitimate thing I can think of which might explain locking the room and refusing you a key. And if so you still deserve an explanation.

HildaOgden Sun 18-Nov-12 23:21:36

Right,well there is definitely evidence of some sort in there that he doesn't want you to see.Possibly dodgy porn,or possibly love letters from a mistress ,who knows?

You need to get in there.Break the lock and go snooping.Feck him if he gets annoyed.Show him this thread afterwards and tell him we made you do it.

cheekybaubles Sun 18-Nov-12 23:21:53

Think it might be time to push a small squirrel through a gap in the door and then have to break the door down to investigate noise? (possibly a secret squirrel so he can also investigate?)

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 18-Nov-12 23:22:25

X-posts with OP. I'm really struggling with innocent explanations here...

I LOVE the idea that MN vipers are a defense to this grin They make me do it! Is he a wind up merchant normally? Could he be doing it because it annoys you?

Pooka Sun 18-Nov-12 23:23:41

What kind of lock is it?

How often does he go in there?

If its a padlock rather than an integral lock, I would be tempted to buy an identical padlock. When he's out, use bolt cutters or locksmith to break the padlock there and put your own identical (roughed up a bit if necessary) padlock on the garage. Make sure you have two keys, keeping one for yourself and either substitute the spare for his current (now useless) key or just don't. His old key won't work, he won't be able to get in for a while.

In the meantime, have a look round at your leisure. Though am worried about that camera....

I read your posts to dh who looked very creeped out.

Just thought of an alternative. If is a padlock, just fit your own padlock next to it and hide the keys. Though only you will know what his reaction is likely to be, and obviously this would be out and out war which might be in advisable.

I do like af's straightforward approach too though.

confused What does he do as a job?

Not trying to make you paranoid even though I am but how much building work was involved in the conversion from garage to studio? My thoughts are turning to a hidden cupboard under the floor/behind a false wall now. and I am resolutely trying not to think of Josef Fritzl.

lisad123 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:27:27

Clearly I have been watching too much criminal minds, everyone is thinking love letters or porn, I'm thinking bodies and people grin

Sigh, I know it must be something, it isnt normal, but as it all looks innocent it must either be on the computer or well hidden.

The lock is an integral one. Wonder if the key in the soap trick works?

I am spurred on now to do more about it but will have to have a think exactly how to go about it. After a year I can't see him handing one over even if I demand it.

Me too lisad!!

lisad123 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:31:16

Well is he asleep now? Where are his keys at this moment. grin

Me three lisad! grin

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 23:32:24

whereyouleftit has a good point

He didn't do that much to it, just some laminate over existing concrete (he didn't pour his own concrete!), chipboard lining to walks, bit of paint etc, its nice but no palace

reindeerjumper Sun 18-Nov-12 23:33:05

All I have to say is Fritzl and Austrian basements

* walls

lisad123 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:34:04

Doesn't feel so weird and freaky now I have two others who think the same blush

MORCAPS Sun 18-Nov-12 23:34:36

My DH has both a shed and a study that are 'his' spaces, both have locks and keys (shed to keep kids away from power tools and study to keep kids away from work stuff).

They keys to both these places however are kept on the key hanging thingy in the kitchen (out if easy reach of small fingers).

I have no interest in either of these rooms (bar unlocking the study once a week for the cleaner). But if I did want to have a nosey then I absolutely could.

lisad123 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:34:47

Chipboard = sound proof right? wink

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sun 18-Nov-12 23:35:15

Lisa I linked to Ed Gein a few pages back but I watch too much CSI.

No no nothing like that!! I watched him build it, the lock was only added after he moved the furniture in. Actually after this thread whatever I find will probably be a reliefgrin

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 23:36:14

Definitely chip board = sound proofing

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sun 18-Nov-12 23:36:45

Is he sleeping yet? Go nab the bloody key and look!

MonthlyName Sun 18-Nov-12 23:36:49

So what job does he do?

HildaOgden Sun 18-Nov-12 23:36:57

check behind the chipboard for decomposing bodies

He's up to something,you know it,we know it,get in there.You say this is going on for a year,did anything else change at that time?

joanbyers Sun 18-Nov-12 23:37:17

So he has a computer with internet there? Does he lock the door when he's in there?

quoteunquote Sun 18-Nov-12 23:38:09

Drill it out, get a drill bit(a couple) that are for metal, make sure the drill bit is the size of hole at the top of the key hole, you are trying to chip the teeth bit of the lock, bit of trial and error, bit of wiggle, bit of metal removal, and bit of tapping with a hammer and a decent screw driver, and you will be in.

or phone a lock smith, have a computer savvy person there, and a friend.

SoggySummer Sun 18-Nov-12 23:39:18

How is his behaviour with the key. Does it EVER leave his side? Does he take it out with him EVERY time he goes out? What does he do with that key when he showers? Sleeps?

I am not suggesting he is having an affair but these questions are the same type of questions that are asked about strange mobile phone behaviour (that gives clues to an affair). For instance, I had a mate who thought it was odd her DHs phone never left his side but exactly HOW odd that was became apparent when she realised he even took it to the loo when going to the loo and into the bathroom when he showered. When looking closer she was horrified and shocked to see he slept with his mobile under his pillow.

Now hiding a key does not = affair but if your DH ensures that key never leaves his side even when showering and sleeping what it does confirm is that he definately has something to hide and not "just his personal space".

My suggestion would be to get the key when he is sleeping, get your self geared up with a good torch, turn of the electric (flip the switch on your fuse box) - checking first that when you do this nothing bleeps in the bedroom as it goes off. This will immobilise his camera. You can now get in and have a good look. What you wont be able to do with the electric off is look at his computer which could be the main host for any secrets.

Another thing is - Is there a spare key? He may only have 1 on him ALL the time but what would be do if he lost it. Usually new locks/padlocks come with 2 new keys. I suspect he has a spare somewhere I would be inclined to not just accept his key is on him at all times but there is infact a spare hidden somewhere else - although it my not be in the home. Places I would search would be pockets of clothes in wardrobes, bedside drawer, his car etc etc.

Some would say its wrong to snoop and it probably is BUT he secretiveness is an invite to snoop and want to know more.

apostropheuse Sun 18-Nov-12 23:39:47

I have to say that chipboarding is a pretty normal way to line walls! grin

It's what all my internal walls are constructed of - and many houses have this.

However, as I said earlier in the thread, I'm inclined to think (possibly illegal and immoral) porn or some kind of drugs.

Ok didn't want to say what he did as a job but you guys are scaring me so he is a musician. There does have to be a certain level of sound proofing for mixing. I am not going to be on any documentaries.

lisad123 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:40:54

If we find out that in fact all he is doing is breeding mini pigs or a secret knicker thief can this please go in classics grin

I am even more convinced that it is a boring affair or porn addiction now (never thought I would be pleased with those options)

lisad123 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:42:01

Oh that's easy he is making naff porn music wink

RibenaFiend Sun 18-Nov-12 23:42:18

He's working for MI5. The camera is a heat activated motion sensor which alerts an army of garden gnomes who are concealed in your shrubbery. The gnomes will overpower you and imprison you in a large plant pot until morning.

Send in the squirrel and when the gnomes are occupied then blast in, ninja stylie!!! (I have got to get some sleep!)

I think it's easy to think bad bad things. In all the degrees of bad. It's probably just gay porn and a butt plug grin nothing illegal.

Locking you out is mental however. That is the bigger issue.

apostropheuse Sun 18-Nov-12 23:42:43

Ignore my last post on account of me being a numpty.

My internal walls aren't chipboard - they're gyproc! Completely different thing.

You will think I am making this up now but he actually does keep teasing me about getting gnomes for the garden (I really hate the things!)

Nah his being a musician doesn't make any more sense of this.

Maybe he's making porn and is editing it in there!

DP looked like this shock when I told him and said 'that's not just weird, that's POLICE weird!'
I am desperate to know what's in there now.

somedayma Sun 18-Nov-12 23:48:19

does he keep the key with him when he's in the bathroom etc? where does it go when he's asleep?

To be honest I really don't care so much about what he is doing (unless it is scary illegal obviously) so much as he won't let me in. It just annoys me a lot that it is my house too and I have no access. I think I am going to bed now but thank you all so much. You have all given me a lot to think about and I will have to change the situation somehow. I will come back I promise if I do/find anything (unless it is breeding mini pigs as I'm not sure I want this in classics!!)

It really doesn't matter what he is hiding. It is creepy and, yes, quite sinister that he feels entitled to lock you out of part of your home.

What do you mean "if you find anything"?! shock

You have to tell us either way!

SoggySummer Sun 18-Nov-12 23:51:37

call his bluff! Wait for him to come home from work then tell him the police have been and wanted to search his "workshop" or whatever he refers to it as and are calling back in 20 minutes!

Watch his face and body language!!


HildaOgden Sun 18-Nov-12 23:54:30

Just asked dh his opinion ..which is 'that's definitely dodgy'.His suggestions include A) illegal porn B)drugs (unlikely) C) on-line gambling.

HildaOgden Sun 18-Nov-12 23:56:40

....oh,and he also said the camera is to keep tabs on you,and whether or not you get in there when he is out.

Flojo1979 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:57:53

Only just read this. I immediately wondered if there was a computer in there, now I know there is then I'm guessing he's doing something he shouldn't on there. Maybe chatting to women, maybe having an affair, are you sure the camera is CCTV for security and no for some sort of webcam thing?
Break the door down and go through his computer but if he's so secretive about the door then he might have passworded the comp.

joanbyers Mon 19-Nov-12 00:01:16

Vast collection of illegal internet pornography perhaps?

MonaLotte Mon 19-Nov-12 00:05:45

DH also said freaky porn. I say drugs especially with the music job. It's weird even if it's something innocuous though as why won't he just give you a key?

Softlysoftly Mon 19-Nov-12 00:06:18

grin at you lot, almost convinced there are either trophy bodies or some form of bestiality porn in there.

Trying to be a voice of reason pp had a good point, how is he with the key and how is he with personal space usually?

Does he ever come across as OCD, particular about his "creative space" and have you ever rowed about you moving/messing with his stuff? It could be an extreme reaction to wanting control over his belongings/space. I drive DH nuts moving his electrical stuff im sure he would love to lock me out.

If however he is extremely attached to the key, locks himself in sometimes, gets defensive when pushed for access/needs time before allowing you in and has never had any personal space issues, then start looking for the bodies. smile

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 19-Nov-12 00:22:24

Are you a secret snooper or have you previously been?

I ask because my ex used to go through everything of mine phone PC paperwork you name it he would and it used to drive me up the wall with fury.

I never ever did the same to him but he just took all my stuff as fair game for a snoop after repeatedly asking him not to and him ignoring me the day he accused me of cheating due to a totally innocent txt and email from my brother I put passwords on everything I could and had a lock fitted to my home office door and got a lockable mail box thing and a safe.

It pissed him off hugely but my response was always that he should have respected my privacy and if he had then I wouldn't have felt the need to protect it from him.

HollaAtMeBaby Mon 19-Nov-12 00:44:51

YANBU. Marking place as I REALLY want to know what's in the garage! but also thinking of a secret basement with horrible things in it

CordeliaChase Mon 19-Nov-12 00:58:00

I told my DH about this....he now wants his own place he can lock himself in so he can retreat from my nagging angry git.

Sounds very suspicious, please done leave us all in suspense for too long grin

Bogeyface Mon 19-Nov-12 01:09:26

Ok, here's what you do.....

Wait until he is in there and go upstairs and scream blue murder, he legs it up to you, you leg it back down and lock yourself in the room.

You are in, you have access to the computer, job done!

Or you kick the door down when he is out claiming you could smell smoke and thought there was a fire, I would personally do that.

Have tried to sleep but this is keeping me up too now! I have never been a snooper, have always felt happy in our relationship & (until the locked door) never had any cause for concern. Even now I can go for a month or so forgetting about it as nothing else about him worries me & all is happy & normal.

As for the keys, he keeps them in his pocket during the day & am not sure where they go at night, i think in bedside drawer, never checked. i have always been more interested in why i cant have my own key & have never seriously considered taking his & having a look at night (though i am getting more & more suspicious)

I am now really tempted but not sure I would find anything, as it would have to be well hidden & I am sure the computer is password protected.

I think he does have a spare one somewhere as someone mentioned but I did search for it once a while ago & never found it.

He is quite OCD about music stuff but he also knows I would never touch it (never did at old place where desk was in living room)

Will definitely do something, not sure what yet though!

grobagsforever Mon 19-Nov-12 07:40:54

Hope you are ok this morning OP. Don't let a bunch of strangers on the internet freak you out. I think it is just possible he is just being a bit of a control freak. FWIW I'd love a locked space.!

Jesus wept. This thread really is MN at it's ridiculous, hysterical worst hmm.

Try not to let the idiots work you up OP. I'm pretty sure the explanation will be fairly innocuous (if odd) rather than that his office is a serial killer's lair or a makeshift prison hmm.

My advice is to try a frank discussion telling him how uncomfortable this makes you feel. And take it from there.

I have to disagree with you grobags. I would not love a locked space. I would love a private space but would not dream of locking dh out of it to the extend of the key not leaving my side.

I don't think that there is anything sinister going on, I think the locking stems from control-freakery not from sinister-up-to-no-good-freakery, but it is not normal to lock your spouse out of part of the home surely? I think he likes the power he is holding over op, that is the game. (Really don't think it is any more sinister than that...)

msrisotto Mon 19-Nov-12 08:06:42

It is odd though, but no, I'm not concerned that any murdering or imprisonment is going on!

lisad123 Mon 19-Nov-12 08:08:13

Oh bunny we are all meaning tongue in cheek, I think blush when we mention dead bodies grin

Daddelion Mon 19-Nov-12 08:13:48

He's a serial kiler, drug dealer, into illegal porn or...
he likes his privacy, which is more likely?

TandB Mon 19-Nov-12 08:14:36

If he wouldn't let you in when he was in there then I would be concerned.

But if you are free to wander in and out when he is there then he clearly isn't up to anything illegal/dodgy when he is there, and when is not there, he obviously can't be up to anything, so when exactly would he be getting up to all the things suggested on this thread?

I think he's probably just being a twat. He probably never thought about the key issue until you first asked for one and then dug his heels in because he has decided you are being unreasonable to want one, as he knows there is nothing untoward there. The more you have asked, the more stubborn he has got about it until it has become a massive issue. He's probably on some forum somewhere moaning about why his wife is so obsessed with having a key to a room that only has his stuff in.

I would suggest sitting him down and explaining to him, slowly and carefully, that it is inappropriate for you to be locked out of a room in your own house and that it makes you feel that he doesn't trust you and is damaging your trust in him. If he is normally a reasonable bloke then he should agree to leave the key somewhere accessible. If he still digs his heels in, then I would think about having the lock removed and NOT going through his stuff, to make the point that there is no need for a lock.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Mon 19-Nov-12 08:15:27

At worst it's likely to be disturbing porn stuff and at best, it's some form of control issues.

However, this thread has seems to have wound up OP. Most of it is ridiculous, and I agree with bunny who said to have a frank discussion about it. If the frank discussion doesn't get anywhere, then maybe you can take action.

HellothisisJoanie Mon 19-Nov-12 08:16:31

what a Pile of CRAP.
you never thought this was odd initially?

christ alive

GhostShip Mon 19-Nov-12 08:23:55

If I were you I'd claim a room in the house and see how he likes it. Locked at ALL times.

DevlinMaccabee Mon 19-Nov-12 08:24:35

He's not a Prisoner of War called Nick Brody is he?

Sorry been watching too much Homeland!

diddl Mon 19-Nov-12 08:33:11

I can´t really see the problem tbh.

Odd/unusual maybe.

Op-it was a garage-you knew what was in there?

Does he bring stuff home secretly now & put it in there without you knowing?

Is it like his office/workspace now?

My husband lock his desk drawers at work & the office door.

If he had an office at home & did the same, I wouldn´t care at all.

Jux Mon 19-Nov-12 08:44:58

He has electrical equipment in there. What if there were a fire in there while he's out? Just tell him it's not safe and the key needs to be accessible. Be very firm. Tell him that all his cloak and dagger nonsense is ridiculous. That you are unable to get, eg, a disk when you need one is ridiculous. It is just silly. He is behaving like a little boy hiding things from mummy. Ask him if that's how he sees you. He is being idiotic.

Morning all, don't worry I don't really believe he is a serial killer or anything like that, it is probably really boring smile

Joanie - I didn't realise at first that I was locked out as I had no desire (or suspicions) to go in there. I only realised when he left the light on & went out and I couldn't go in there to turn it off. I have asked him to put a spare just in case in the key box but he refuses.

It maybe is just a privacy issue but to me it is becoming like pandoras box or a big red button marked don't push & I really want to!

FFS it's tongue in cheek!

No need to get yourselves all worked up hysterical about MN hysteria.

Oops huge x post! grin

That was aimed at all the Jesus Wepters!

Right, now what you need is a metal wallpaper scraper (those metal triangle things with a handle on) failing that a fish slice but that's more tricky
Once you've figured out the nack of it it's quite quick to get in.

grin my mind did wander for a second last night but it was v late & I was very tired.

MrsBucketxx Mon 19-Nov-12 09:00:20

it would bother me not because of the fact its something dodgy but he is hiding something from you.

locked doors and security cameras thats odd scary even.

MrsBucketxx Mon 19-Nov-12 09:03:27

if the light for some rason caught light, and there was a fire what then?, you all burn to death because your dh has issues hmm

HoneyDragon Mon 19-Nov-12 09:05:11

Be careful. Once you've seen you can't unsee. Dh has a cyber shed. It's his space - but as he hoards household stuff in there occassionally I have to venture in.

I only went in to find my Sellotape. But to my everlasting horror I discovered not one, but two CDs I never knew existed on our property. They were Michael Bolton!

All this time I thought he was working, and the dirty fucker was sat listening to that filth!

It was like discovering I was married to a stranger sad.

On a serious note. Dh gets mildy irritated if I have to go in and move stuff, but the key is kept in the house. It's not even a question of whether I need permission to go in.
Well accept at Christmas grin then I have to ask!

HoneyDragon Mon 19-Nov-12 09:06:08

Except, expect! <<hits self>>

NoraGainesborough Mon 19-Nov-12 09:07:46

Its a vicious circle. You want to go in because he is being secretive, he is getting more secretive because you want to go in.

RuleBritannia Mon 19-Nov-12 09:12:26

Is there a bed in there? {nudge, nudge, wink,wink}

TeentheBean Mon 19-Nov-12 09:13:31

YANBU at all, I would find it strange, odd, unsettling

Ha ha @ HoneyDragon - Michael Bolton FFS - how could he look you in the face after being exposed like that. I bet you have to hide from the neighbours now!

Honey your DH is a spoonyfucker AND has Michael Bolton cd's?


(Apologies for hijack)

OP it's probably only his Cliff Richard music collection but you have to let us know!

(& YY to not being locked out of a room in your own home being wrong)

MildredIsMyAlterEgo Mon 19-Nov-12 09:32:51

My first thought was uh-oh, dead bodies. Hope you haven't got a large chest freezer in there.

I wouldn't go snooping at night OP not unless accompanied by a SWAT team there is most likely something on the HDD of the pc that he does not want you to see. If you do get in there you probably won't get past the fort-knox passwords.

I agree you need to know what's happening though, just can't think how you go about it <not helpful, sorry>

HoneyDragon Mon 19-Nov-12 09:47:56

I really should LTB. But in all honesty, he's the only man I know who can live with a woman who immacs his children and has twat spiders. I try to grateful for what I have, even if he is a spoonyfucker.

RyleDup Mon 19-Nov-12 09:51:43

Well I guess if he is a musician and he's got all his mixing stuff in there, then thats why he's got the security camera and keeps it locked all the time. That stuff is expensive. And its not really a shed as such, its his office, which he keeps locked. Fwiw, I have the key to the shed on my keyring and I don't really like dh going in there, as he moves stuff around and tries to store stuff in there. I don't actually stop him from going in there though. I just stand around complaing until he takes his stuff out again and gives me the key back.

Lavenderhoney Mon 19-Nov-12 09:57:42

What happened a year ago to make him start to lock it up? Does he ever lock himself in there when you are home? Is anything else locked up in the room?

It might be his computer... Do you know his password? Tbh I would be snoopy if my dh locked stuff up. We have nothing exciting to lock up! Just asked dh and he thinks you should be vvv careful - is the rest of the house covered by the security cameras or just his bit? does it have windows?

Did he build it himself a year ago? What side are the hinges? Could You unscrew the door that way? But if you don't know his password it's a waste of time. Get someone to hack it for you?

It is almost certainly an awesome Christmas present. At least, that's what I'd be hoping.

Either that or he's probably got some really embarrassing hobby that he doesn't want to be laughed at for. It probably involves scale models.

In our last house DH didn't have keys to all the doors. Nothing sinister about it; we were just too lazy/tight to get keys cut for doors we rarely or never used. If he wanted to open the unnecessary extra patio door, he'd just use my keys. It didn't keep him out of part of the house though. That would have been weird.

LittleBairn Mon 19-Nov-12 10:08:41

Ok I'm going to get flamed for this but going to write it anyway, because we all wished we had said something to my aunt over the years.

My aunts (now ex) husband didn't allow anyone in his home office, had a lock on the door and was never parted from the key. Even if she knocked on the door to call him for dinner he would wait until she'd gone to open the door.
If she had gained access to his office, gotten into his computer she would have found evidence that he was abusing their 4 kids. It may have saved the younger ones from him. But she never questioned why she wasn't allowed in there, it was his office his own space none of them needed access.

As a family we all thought this was really odd but no one said anything.

My DH has two home offices he prefers that I don't go in there but the doors are always lefts open and I can if I want go in at any time.
Maybe unfairly but I'd never trust anyone who carried the key on the at all times, that's seriously suspicious behaviour.

mum2threesons Mon 19-Nov-12 10:11:21

I would have kicked the door in months ago

tisnottheseasonyet Mon 19-Nov-12 10:12:27

Man questions woman's privacy, emotionally abusive bastard.

Woman questions man's privacy, kiddy fiddler.


NotQuintAtAllOhNo Mon 19-Nov-12 10:12:43

Leave the bastard.

He is either carrying on with something really unsavory in there, quite possibly on his computer. Or drugs. There is no other reason to guard the key with his life, causing suspicion or distrust.

Or he is a pathetic little man who thinks he has finally found a way to exercise some control in his home and relationship and gets a high from keeping you guessing as to what is so secret in there that he has to carry a key at all times and you can only be in there when he is.

LittleBairn Mon 19-Nov-12 10:14:52

tis I'm not saying he is, he's most likely not but when people go to such great lengths to keep a room locked with security camera FFS then without a doubt they are hiding something. Maybe it's because he has a teddy fetish or he likes reading mills and Boon.

AnyFucker Mon 19-Nov-12 10:15:27

season you can try and make this into a "reverse the genders and what would you get" thread if you like

but you are mistaken..a woman acting in this suspiciously secretive (not private) way would get the same responses

It is perfectly possible to have privacy without needing to lock doors and obsessively guard a key. DP and I are well able to get privacy when we need it, and I would not take kindly to being locked out of any part of my home.

flow4 Mon 19-Nov-12 10:23:28

No-one has mentioned Bluebeard yet, so I will. The point of that story is not that if a man keeps a room locked up it must be full of dead bodies hmm... The point is that if there's a 'hidden' bit of your life and you find yourself turning it over and over in your mind, then you have a question that you suspect has a nasty answer, and that you need to face.

aurora, you were bothered enough about this to post on here. What bothers you? Put your finger on precisely what, and address that point.

Is it that you know he doesn't trust you?
Is it that you know you don't trust him?
Is it that you feel like a tenant in your own home?
Or what...?

Only you can be sure what it is.

stifnstav Mon 19-Nov-12 10:26:11

Whatever it is, it does seem unsavoury.

I can understand the camera for security if his room would be accessible by a burglar, but if you can't get in there how can a burglar? So what's the point of the camera?


OneMoreChap Mon 19-Nov-12 11:01:39

Man questions woman's privacy, emotionally abusive bastard.

Woman questions man's privacy, kiddy fiddler.


Nah, if I posted "My wife has locked me out of the garden shed. No, actually padlocked it, and said I can't have a key" I guess I'd be offered advice on how to break in...

Privacy and locking someone out of joint property is a different matter.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 19-Nov-12 11:16:22

A robber would have no issues with breaking the lock

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 19-Nov-12 11:23:47

It's really weird.

DH and I use bedrooms in our house as offices. They're completely open and still part of the 'shared' house.

Good luck op.

MikeOxard Mon 19-Nov-12 11:25:24

Change the locks and give him a key?

HullyEastergully Mon 19-Nov-12 11:29:02


StanleyLambchop Mon 19-Nov-12 11:29:53

My DH considers the garage to be his domain. I think in his dreams he would like to keep me out of it, mainly because he would like it to remain a space where he can put all his things, without me doing the same. I take no notice of this, it is filled with storage boxes of my stuff, as well as the gardening tools (which mainly I use) and the childrens bikes, scooters, and garden toys. Like many others have said, the key is kept on a hook in the kitchen. He has never seriously tried to suggest I stay out, or hidden the key, and if he did I would be very 'bollocks to that' about not being able to use space in my own home.
The problem is that you have accepted this situation for a year now, even your title says 'locked out of DH's garage', you actually view it as his space as well !!. I think you need to talk to him and tell him how this feels, and firmly ask him to let you have a key. If he sees you mean business maybe he will stop being such an idiot!

SquishyCinnamonSwirls Mon 19-Nov-12 11:33:06

It's weird. I'd break in.

nancerama Mon 19-Nov-12 11:35:14

Put a lock on the kitchen door and make him ask for permission for food and water.

Bloody odd behaviour in my opinion.

peeriebear Mon 19-Nov-12 11:35:29

It's downright weird that he won't allow a spare key to be kept in the house as a precaution against needing to get in in case of fire etc. It also says that he does have a spare key somewhere hidden.
DH has a shed- it's completely his, he built it from scratch, it has all his hobby stuff in it as well as a good stereo system smile. He is out there most evenings as he makes money from his hobby. I am free to enter his shed whenever I please, whether he is here or not, and I have a spare key on my keyring.

DontmindifIdo Mon 19-Nov-12 11:36:48

Our garage is DH's domain - and I don't have a key to the main front garage door, however there is a back door to the garage and I have a key for that so can go in whenever I want to freeze and trip over various bits of mountain bikes

OP - you need to get in there, give him 24 hours to have another key cut for you or you are putting him on warning that you'll get the lock changed, which will be far more expensive than him just cutting a key, if he tells you you are being silly, or tries to make you feel unreasonable, remember this is your garage too - why shouldn't you have access to part of your own home?

Then, have a good poke about and come back here and tell us nosy cows all about it.

piprabbit Mon 19-Nov-12 11:44:34

If your DH is working in his room and comes out to make a cup of tea, does he lock up behind himself?
Does he lock himself in while he is working in there?
Do you have free access to pop your head round the door and have a good look offer him a cup of tea whenever you like? Do you have to knock?

TBH I'd tell him that you (as joint householders, not you as DW) need to have a key kept in an accessible place in the main house. It is for the benefit of his stuff. What if there was a plumbing issue and you couldn't get in to save his instruments from the water? Or if you smelt fire, but couldn't check if there was a problem? What if he lost his key?

If he refuses, challenge him. Why doesn't he trust you? Tell him how you feel about the lack of trust.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Mon 19-Nov-12 11:46:35

What if there was a fire in his garage?

Is it very wrong that with all the posters saying "What if there was a fire" that I'm wondering if you could break in, start a tiny, harmless fire near an electrical outlet, and then say that you had to break in because you smelt smoke and wasn't it lucky you had the fire extinguisher to hand?

(I AM joking! Don't really start a fire...)

But please, please come and update us when you find out what his embarrassing taste in music is...

TuftyFinch Mon 19-Nov-12 12:18:07

Buy a tiny spy cam. Next time you go in, when he's in there, put a secret, hidden, camera in there. Retrieve it a week later.

TuftyFinch Mon 19-Nov-12 12:20:05

Or, get some shrinking potion. Then you can hide in there and see exactly what Mr Sneaky is up to.
Remember to buy the antidote though.

OhDearSpareHeadTwo Mon 19-Nov-12 12:24:35

DH would be overjoyed to have a locked garage. I have previous for chucking out mouldy, battered cardboard boxes etc that were apparently very precious and he loves the idea of having a OhDear-free space where he can chuck things all over the floor and fester in mess with no fear of recrimination. He would probably refuse to let me in there. There wouldn't be anything suspicious in it, just having his own space to make as much man-mess as possible.

I think that, if you are not generally suspicious of him, there's no reason to worry. If, however,you have reason to think he's doing something funny in there then maybe the refusal to let you in is evidence of it. IYSWIM

HoneyDragon Mon 19-Nov-12 12:28:08

Call a lock smith say you've lost the key. Change lock. Refuse to give dh a key until he agrees to stop being an arse.

ShatnersBassoon Mon 19-Nov-12 12:30:19

I'd have to break in. I wouldn't even make an excuse for it, just get in there somehow and have a good rifle through everything, then tell him that it was me that had done it because I wanted to.

I would hate to be disallowed in part of my own home. I don't go in DH's shed because I don't want to, but should the fancy take me I could go in there at any moment.

FredFredGeorge Mon 19-Nov-12 12:33:48

Are people really suggesting that the correct thing to do on discovering a fire in a shed or garage is to open the door? No, please call the fire brigade... there's no chance that the fire will be small enough to tackle domestically once discovered in an unattended outbuilding. Opening the door will just increase the airflow to the fire? So I can't see any reason to have a key in case of a fire - the fire brigade will just bash their way in if they need to not wait around for a key.

(People read the thread, when he's in there the OP has unrestricted access to the unlocked shed and they even spend time in it together)

It's not unreasonable for him to have private space, it's not unreasonable for him to keep his space secure with cameras and locks, indeed he's mad to do anything else with expensive stuff in an outbuilding, it's not unreasonable to keep the key to it on his keychain.

The only slightly unusual thing is that he's said no to the OP having a key, and given that the OP has said that she wants the key to go get things (paint brushes, blank DVD's whatever) then she doesn't respect the privacy of his private space - so perhaps his views on that are not unreasonable. Indeed the fact the vast majority of the people on this thread have no respect for his privacy (and presumably therefore their partners) has made me think I should start locking my private things away, even though I would normally just trust my DP.

It sounds to me that the pestering for a key is exactly why there isn't a second key, as opposed to anything particular to hide.

HoneyDragon Mon 19-Nov-12 12:35:33

Why should she not be allowed things from in there?

diddl Mon 19-Nov-12 12:37:47

I´m wondering why OP needs a key in case of fire?

Jux Mon 19-Nov-12 12:40:54

It's tidiculous and dangerous. That is sufficient reason for there to be a key available in an emergency. The fact that you couldn't even switch the bloody light off is a perfect illustration of why he is being completely unreasonable, nay, stupid about it.

diddl Mon 19-Nov-12 12:45:50

But if there was a fire-why would she want to unlock it and go in?

HilaryClinton Mon 19-Nov-12 12:48:01

Fred this isn't "Slightly unusual " it is bizarre and deeply odd. Your minimising does the OP no favours.

Fred are you the OP's DH? "she doesn't respect the privacy of his private space" confused - she doesn't want to go in and have a root, she just wants not to be deliberately locked out of a space in her own home!!!

FWIW I live with just myself and DD so I 'own' all the space in my house and love that it's private and just mine (I do knock everytime I go into DD's room though - that space is hers).

However if I had a DP I would never lock them out of a room (even though I'm v private about my space not that it's an absolute tip or anything )

I might lock a room/shed with valuables in it, but my partner would always have a key - if I didn't trust them not to interfere with my valuables (fnar) then I wouldn't trust them enough to be with them.

StanleyLambchop Mon 19-Nov-12 12:50:24

given that the OP has said that she wants the key to go get things (paint brushes, blank DVD's whatever) then she doesn't respect the privacy of his private space

But why should he take up a whole area in a jointly owned home and say she is allowed no access to it? If that is where paint brushes and spare DVDs are kept then why can't she go in and have access to those things? Privacy is having a lock on the bathroom door. It is not on to deny someone a part of their home in the name of privacy, certainly not as a couple, who by the very nature of things should be capable of sharing. What is his great secret that he can not let his wife in on it? Surely it has to be worse than a few Michael Bolton CDs?

LilllyLovesLife Mon 19-Nov-12 12:50:41

I don't understand OP - you say, you are convinced it's JUST a boring affair or something like that. If I thought for a min my OH was having an affair I would do whatever I could to find out the facts, not wait a year and then shrug it off when everybody is telling you it's dodgy!

If he ever leaves his keys around, can you not take it off when he isn't going to use it (ie before he leaves for work) and then go and get a key cut while he is out, and return said key at next chance, leaving yourself with a key he doesn't know about? And if you didn't go in there that day then he probably wouldn't notice? If he is guarding his keys so much you can't do that then Yes, I think it's extremely dodgy and I think I would be tempted to kick him out till I got to the truth. I can't live with somebody I don't trust.

Where is the camera? On the inside or outside?

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Mon 19-Nov-12 12:52:49

There's a difference between privacy and secrecy that's the thing.

You can have people respect your privacy without needing locks.

diddl Mon 19-Nov-12 12:54:33

If OP needs to go in & get things-she needs a key, obviously.

For me personally, if my husband had taken over the garage & I didn´t need anything from there, I couldn´t give a flying fuck about it being locked.

Lily - when I said 'just' an affair it was in comparison to having bodies in the walls! I don't have any other reason to suspect an affair, just the locked door.

FredFred - I almost agree with you, the camera for security and a lock to protect equipment is reasonable (not that it is worth a fortune but a pain to replace) the brushes & DVDs are ours, I suppose it is 95% his stuff & bits that make sense to keep there as I don't use them and I would have checked with him first anyway. He also occasionally borrows some things from the house that end up there eg he used a fabric pen & I needed it for uniforms, called him to ask if he had borrowed it & it was in there & had to wait till he could unlock it for me. I really don't want to go through his stuff which is why I haven't stolen the key and searched before

It is really the fact that it is my house too and I can't get in there if I needed to that bothers me. If it was a locked box or drawer, no problem. He has a lock box for documents that has been with us at previous houses and I have never felt the need for a key to that.

I just cannot think of any reason that he keeps denying me a spare for emergencies other than he doesn't trust me or there is something hidden.

I came on here to see if I was being unreasonable in wanting access and I don't think I am. I will probably will have another word with him, will think how to word it reasonablysmile

It is very weird.

How much time does he spend in there, and when? Is it mostly when you are around, or does he lurk in there in the evenings or work there during the day when you're out?

One thing you could try, if you think you can pull it off (some acting skills required to avoid seeming suspicious) would be, at times when he does let you in while he's there, subtly wander over to/ask questions about/pick up and put down things in different parts of the garage, and watch his reaction - see if there are particular areas or actions that make him more twitchy. Also, it would be especially good to do this with the PC - make up (or cause) some issue with yours and ask to do some job on his and see how he reacts?

What would he do if you were both in there together and he needed to pee, for example? - would he leave you alone there for that long, or would he even avoid doing that? Ply him with coffee and then find out

Kethryveris Mon 19-Nov-12 13:23:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FredFredGeorge Mon 19-Nov-12 13:25:09

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey But the OP wasn't bothered when he first constructed the space, when the fact there was only 1 key was presumably because there was only one key and not because of anything else.

So the request for the key when there's no reason to have one came later - and depending on how that came up and how it was discussed could have made the OP's DP worry about his privacy. Which is why to me it sounds like the demanding access which is not needed for any other reason than to invade the privacy was declined.

Of course I could be wrong, there could be more to it, but on the balance of the information provided, and on my own ideas of what would be a relationship ending invasion of privacy AEIBVU to suggest that the OP breaks in. When she's finds there's nothing in there that she didn't already know about - is the "but a load of people on the interent said you were a paedophile Michael Bolton Fan", going to smooth things over?

FredFredGeorge Mon 19-Nov-12 13:28:17

auroramusisamica I do think it's a bit unusual for there not to be a spare key in the house (what if he lost his keys when out) and therefore you to have access to one - particularly if he takes things in there which you do need.

It's just the solution is not breaking in!

chubbychipmonk Mon 19-Nov-12 13:31:42

I'd be expecting a knock at the door shortly from the police in relation to some 'illegal pornographic downloads' on his computer!
. . And in the cupboards there's just paperwork? What sort of paperwork??
Think someone mentioned earlier on line gambling? I'd definately be trying to get in there, get the computer unlocked & get into the browsing history ASAP!!

There is a spare key, the locksmith gave us two but the second key is hidden and he won't give it to me.

He is usually in there at night, while I put the children to bed, do house work etc. I have never been in there when the computer is on. On a weekend afternoon I have watched a movie with him but have never tried to stay when he is working. I am usually a distraction or need to be with the children in the evenings (they still wake a bit)

I have popped my head round the door but due to the position of the screen, can't see anything

There's something on that computer.

AnyFucker Mon 19-Nov-12 13:34:52

He is in there at night, while you put dc to bed and do the housework ?

Your husband is very much in charge, isn't he

OneMoreChap Mon 19-Nov-12 13:37:11

Couple of thoughts:

Possibly watching porn and is ashamed of his taste in it
Possibly playing something like WoW and is ashamed of that
Childhood privacy issues.

Odd behaviour, though and certainly needs discussing.
[DW can walk into my office and see screen over my shoulder]

StanleyLambchop Mon 19-Nov-12 13:40:32

So he also holes himself in there while you put the children to bed on your own! Does he not help with bedtimes?

AnyFucker Mon 19-Nov-12 13:42:42

Nicely casual dripfeed there, OP

I am feeling a gentle tugging on my chain.

cloutiedumpling Mon 19-Nov-12 13:46:54

Is it possible that he could be doing something illegal, and he doesn't want you in there to protect you from it? It is very odd behaviour.

msrisotto Mon 19-Nov-12 13:48:32

I would be incandescent about not being allowed the spare key, i'm sorry, it may not be a big deal but he's making it into one!

GreenyEyes Mon 19-Nov-12 13:54:08

Tbh my DH could have a couple of bodies and a suit of human skin hidden in our garage for all I know. I don't go in there much.

But if he locked me out of it, I'd take the frickin door off and I do mean that seriously.

chubbychipmonk Mon 19-Nov-12 13:56:49

Hmmmm. . . So the position of the computer screen is in such a way that you cant see it when you pop your head round the door??

And it's got a pass code on it??

And he can't help with kids bedtimes coz he's on the computer??

There's DEFINATELY something being hidden from you on that computer, possibly an addiction to gaming/gambling/porn??

Like I said, I'd get on the computer ASAP! You must know someone who is good with computers who can get 'access' (break into) the shed with you when he's not there & go through the computer. You seem to be making light of this & not overly concerned? Are you not worried there's something dodgy going on? Does he do all the family finances? Have you seen your bank account balance in a while? I know of someone who racked up £60,000 of on line gambling debt, was totally addicted to it and partner had no clue. Not trying to scare you but I think you really need to act on this!

NomNomingiaDePlum Mon 19-Nov-12 13:57:39

op owns the property, op should have access to it. end of.
i doubt it's anything more than your dh being a tosser, though.

LilllyLovesLife Mon 19-Nov-12 13:57:47

So when does he go to work? And when does he spend time with you/his children?

Sounds to me like maybe he is having an affair, or possibly chatting to women online, or men hmm or something sexual related.

Can you not find a reason to want to borrow his PC for the evening? If he has nothing to hide there would be no reason for him not to let you. Maybe yours is running slow and you want to get something done on it? I am assuming you can't both be in the garage when your children are in bed so therefore would have the place to yourself?

CinnabarRed Mon 19-Nov-12 14:13:30

I think I'd be even more irritated by the fact that there's a second key in existence but deliberately hidden from me than that he didn't want me to go in there in the first place. Patronising bastard.

amillionyears Mon 19-Nov-12 14:15:29

Sounds like a control and power issue.
Is he scretive about finances etc?

Floopy21 Mon 19-Nov-12 14:41:50

If it was me, having asked for a key previously & been denied it for spurious reasons, I would find a way of getting in there on the quiet & not give him a warning so he could delete/hide anything dodgy. Very odd to be locked out of part of your own home IMO.

Floopy21 Mon 19-Nov-12 14:43:56

And I'm not a snooper by trade at all, just strikes me as fishy!

cheekybaubles Mon 19-Nov-12 14:49:00

I have cracked the case!
He is planning a huge surprise for you and doesn't want you to spoil it.
Which could be a good thing, or a very bad thing (joke)
How long has this room been locked?(thinking how long would it take him to make a life size statue of you out if his pubes)

LilllyLovesLife Mon 19-Nov-12 14:55:33

Cheekybaubles - think she said it's been a year since the lock was added..

OP - can you not search the house and find the spare key? Surely he can't of hidden it THAT well.

Am I the only one starting to doubt how real this is? Most people on this thread seem to want to get in there more than the OP does. If It was me, I wouldn't be still faffing about a year down the line, even after all these posters had agreed he is up to something.
Unless maybe OP just doesn't actually want to know the truth on some level? ignorance is bliss and all that?

AF - am not trying to drip feed but am answering questions. I couldn't have put the answer to everything in the OP, don't think there would have been room! I don't see how I can say any more without being accused of drip feeding.

He isn't 'in charge' he cooks and helps bathe the children and then I take over for bedtime. I clean the house, he fixes things, it was never decided to be that way just happened and I am quite happy with all our other arrangements. He spends all day at the weekends with us and works at night after the children are in bed.

Btw I know this does sound like a wind up but sadly it is not sad

cheekybaubles Mon 19-Nov-12 14:57:27

A year? Well, depends how hursuit he is?

LilllyLovesLife Mon 19-Nov-12 15:01:23

If it's not a wind up why are you not doing a bit more? As I say, can't you hunt the spare key down? Or get a new one cut by sneaking his one off his keys for a couple of hours? Or use his PC one evening cause yours is broken/running slow or something?

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Mon 19-Nov-12 15:02:38

I would be wanting to know what is on that computer. I wouldn't like not knowing if he was so secretive, especially with kids around.

Awful thought I know but this behaviour is definitely well out of the ordinary.

I trust my DP and can look through his computer if I so wish, just as he could look through mines. Neither of us would be bothered or even consider it snooping as we have nothing to hide.

If I thought he did have something to hide he wouldn't be getting near our child until I knew what it was and that there was nothing to worry about.

Rollmops Mon 19-Nov-12 15:09:30

Very Bluebeard.... has he had many wives ....[shocked]
(Have not read the thread)

LaCiccolina Mon 19-Nov-12 15:12:38

If he has a computer in there u have to go on it. V strange and yup sadly sounds sinister.....

LaCiccolina Mon 19-Nov-12 15:14:03

As I'm posting its about 264 replies and


OldBagWantsNewBag Mon 19-Nov-12 15:15:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilllyLovesLife Mon 19-Nov-12 15:21:58

Also, I hate to say it (surprised nobody else has) What if the stuff he is hiding on his computer is something like child porn or something? Not saying it is, obviously you trust him around your kids. But anybody who hides things in this way would not be around my children till I knew what it was.

McChristmasPants2012 Mon 19-Nov-12 15:23:15

I would be soo frustrated. I would tell him he either hands over the key or he will be losing the room.

There is no reason for you not to have a key, unless he doesn't trust you to lock it back up incase the DC go in there.

ChristineDaae Mon 19-Nov-12 15:24:31

No way would I accept being locked out!!

McChristmasPants2012 Mon 19-Nov-12 15:31:49

But saying that you can get self locking doors, so no excuss

"Doesn't want you going through his things"???? Why not if he is not hiding something? This is bullshit, I would not let myself be locked out for a minute. (As GreenyEyes just said, I also have never bothered going through any of my DH's things, in the shed, basement etc. Far too boring and dusty, tools and old boatbuilding manuals, who could be bothered. But if he locked me out of anywhere I would have the door off in an instant).

Cahoots Mon 19-Nov-12 15:35:55

Depending how your home network is setup you maybe able to see what he uses his computer for. It depends on where the main computer is, how the network is set up and the type of security program's you use.
Might be worth a look though.

I am not really sure how much I can add now. I feel this is going to end badly for me unless I do something but it is not that easy especially since I am at work.

I do think there must be something but even if I did break in (have made a note about using a fish slice!) I am faced with a pass coded mac which I can't use. I don't think I know anyone to 'crack' it for me.

I also work and have the children at night so dont have time to invite hackers back and pillage the garage. The only way I could do it is book a day off work.

Even if I did all that he could come back at any time and what would he think to see me standing there, fish slice in hand helping a hacker break into his computer. Then he would be completely justified.

I might try something when I can and I really really do appreciate all the replies and advice (some of it I may try) but I cannot be pushed into running out of work and breaking in today.

Believe it or not this is true and that's why I am going at my speed. Which will be a bit faster though now you have all confirmed that I should be worried.

MissVerinder Mon 19-Nov-12 15:41:20

Ok, you need to get in there.

I am a right sneaky chuffer and here's what I would do.

Priority- Take care of the security camera. Turn the power off. Make sure you do this whilst DP is far enough away for you to call and say there's a power cut- where's the trip switch?- or casually mention it to him later in the day in case he checks the footage.

Item 1- The Door. If it's a garage, is it a standard internal door? Depending on the lock if you have a screwdriver and plenty of time you should be able to unscrew the door (you will need help getting it back on). If it's a yale lock, you should be able to find someone who knows how to pick it.

Item 2- The Key. This will take considerably more time; find the key. Really really look for it. Divide the house into a grid and spend a certain amount of time searching each one. You can break it down day by day. To be honest though, I would imagine the spare key is actually in the garage.

Item 3- Ask him for the key and some alone time in there to wrap the Christmas presents, lock the door behind you and snoop like hell.

joanbyers Mon 19-Nov-12 15:44:38

I think you need to be careful with this. You do need a professional hacker IMO. You won't find a thing on a password-protected Mac, so you'll just break in and find nothing and he'll be just laughing at you.

You need a private security specialist I think, there could be options e.g. transferring the hard drive out to another computer but I don't know how macs work it's possible this wouldn't work. Perhaps you could post something on a technical forum about this.

You say he has a camera there, but unless he's super-super-crazy he probably doesn't watch the tapes if he doesn't know somebody has been in, so avoiding detection would be a good idea IMO.

Good luck.

Viviennemary Mon 19-Nov-12 15:49:29

He's building a time machine.

Lavenderhoney Mon 19-Nov-12 15:57:16

Hackers work remotely, they don't have to be there. Macs and the camera can be hacked quite easily I am told ( so don't leave your computer on and connected to the Internet ladiessmile

They can remotely download the hard drive and have a good old look round. No one will know. They can also get any bank details or credit card accounts, plus password. You can also fit a keyboard sniffer that records the keystrokes and so you can get the password from that. If you are very good on a mac and can download the hard drive for your looking at later.

Or you can, as already suggested, buy a mini spy camera, set it up so it watches the screen and that's it really.

Or contact a private dectective, and tell them to do it.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 19-Nov-12 15:58:45

Every time I lock myself out of places with Yale type locks I just boot the door in hard by the lock it usually sends the bit on the frame that the lock fits into flying off then all you need to do is replace or fix that bit.

fred I am the most privacy guarding person I know seriously I can be a nightmare I could be married to you for 15 years but if you pick up my phone to go through it or read my mail with out asking me first and waiting for me to say yes, then I will divorce you.but even I wouldn't lock up a room like that without first having a partner snoop be told not to then repeat a few times.

And they would damn well know that I locked up stuff because I couldn't trust them to respect my boundaries.

If they feel they don't trust me not to be doing something I shouldn't and as such need to covertly check my stuff then they should exit my life.

Op look under your kitchen draws they are ideal places to tape a key

MissVerinder Mon 19-Nov-12 16:00:07

To be honest, Lavender is right.

DP is an IT guy and often remotes onto other people's computers when they're working from home to fix their issues/find files etc.

I think it just needs to be switched on and he needs their IP address.

OldBagWantsNewBag Mon 19-Nov-12 16:02:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lavenderhoney Mon 19-Nov-12 16:02:40

The camera on the mac- not the security onesmile

Maybe you could smudge it ( the security camera ) with mud and see if he cleans it. That will tell you if he is watching for intruders/ you.

It is strange, but what else happened a year ago that you remember? Did you know him long before marriage, have you looked him up, asked his mum to find out? Mil normally love a mystery)

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 19-Nov-12 16:04:57


This is the private investigation company I often use they bloke that owns itis very good with computers, and he's a nice chap

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 19-Nov-12 16:06:12
Lavenderhoney Mon 19-Nov-12 16:10:46

I think they just need his ip address of his mac, so get him to reply/ send you an email from his mac and it will be on the header. Then a professional should be able to help you.

No idea about a secret spy camera, disguised as a pot plant? Might look a bt weird though, suddenly appearing with a ponsiteta! what about you insist on putting up decorations and a tree in there?

flow4 Mon 19-Nov-12 16:11:32

I can see why you haven't done anything before, aurora... Up to this point, it obviously hasn't even occurred to you not to trust your DH smile

I'm surprised by the number of people suggesting that you break in. To me, that would be a breach of trust. I would not like being locked out either - not at all, and I do think you should do something, but I don't think anything sneaky is the answer.

Either you ask him directly, or you carry on ignoring the situation, as you have for the past year. I'd ask, if I were you...

"DH, I've been thinking about that lock. It bothers me. I don't like being locked out of part of my own house, and it makes me feel like you don't trust me. It makes me wonder whether you have something to hide, and I don't like that. Can you please just give me the spare key? And if you don't want to, then you have some explaining to do about why..."

If you feel you can't talk to him, then I think that means your relationship is already in trouble.

If he refuses to listen, then you may have a problem, but you can cross that bridge if you come to it...

Astelia Mon 19-Nov-12 16:14:20

Time to take a look OP. it is probably nothing, but but but....

piprabbit Mon 19-Nov-12 16:14:31

flow4 - that is a very wise and sensible post.

Look, unless you seriously think he's hiding bodies, it's pretty obvious that he's either hiding porn/an affair on the computer, or he's just being insanely secretive for no good reason.

Ask him straight out for the key. Tell him that it's ridiculous that you have to wait for him to come home if you need something from the shed. Tell him you respect that it's his 'space' and will only go in there if you actually need something.

And when he says "No", ask him why. If he gets angry or defensive, ask him why he's getting angry or defensive. Don't be drawn into an argument; just ask calmly - you are asking something completely reasonable - to have a key to part of your own house. If he still refuses, ask if he trusts you.

This is an emotive issue; please don't push it if you are truly worried about his reaction - but if that's the case, think hard about your relationship.

OneMoreChap Mon 19-Nov-12 16:15:52

Isn't this a case of there's some smoke?

Ask him outright, and base your next actions on his response.

Do have clear in your mind what your views are on things like porn, gambling, other women?

Explain to him that this is what his actions have made you feel over the last year; and that he's threatening your relationship by it.

Yes, there's a risk you'll end up feeling silly if all he's doing is playing Gwaar the Night Elf or whatever; that's much better than letting these doubts fester.

If he doesn't let you in, you'll get the keys when he moves out on divorce, FWIW...

FredFredGeorge Mon 19-Nov-12 16:16:50

Getting hackers into the computer is a relationship ending process no matter what you find - if it's nothing at all or Michael Bolton downloads, he leaves, if it's anything bad you leave. So why not just leave? By the time the trust has broken down that much the relationship isn't going to survive.

Or instead sit down with your DP and say, "I know I didn't want a key originally, it was your space, but I'm now feeling wrong that I don't have access to the space, so let's get the spare key out so we can both use it." You can also decide if the paranoia of this thread is enough to make you need to see what he's actually been doing there, and if so tell him and demand that re-assurance.

Please do not break in though unless you want to end your relationship and you are absolutely convinced he's up to something you need evidence of.

oops - x-post with flow4 who stated it much better than I did...

MonkeyRisotto Mon 19-Nov-12 16:25:44

Put superglue in the lock, then neither of you can get in. Seems fair...

EldritchCleavage Mon 19-Nov-12 16:29:26

Not wanting to spoil people's fun, but...it's not your computer, it's his. And password protected. If you hack it, or get anyone else to hack it, you're committing an offence under the Computer Misuse Act. Just so you know.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 19-Nov-12 16:29:43

I've been thinking a lot about this and I think Flow4's suggestion is the only way forward. Anything else will damage your relationship beyond repair whatever you find. If there is an innocent explanation, or one you could live with at least, then Flow4's way forward means your relation would at least still be tenable.

I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.

PurpleGentian Mon 19-Nov-12 16:35:23

Agree with flow4

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 19-Nov-12 16:44:52

Is it not a matrimonial asset owned jointly by both?

Floopy21 Mon 19-Nov-12 16:49:54

why would getting access to your own garage mean the marriage was over?!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 19-Nov-12 16:54:05

Yes it is and there should be no question of not allowing OP a key. BUT if OP breaks into her DH's locked studio or hacks his computer she places herself firmly in the wrong and he won't be able to trust her anymore.

So if it's something relatively minor, eg growing cannabis for personal consumption, and she wants to forgive him, he probably won't be able to forgive her. If she has the conversation that Flow4 suggests and DH still won't either give her a key or a bloody good explanation why not then she may need to take more drastic action.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 19-Nov-12 17:08:37

Fwiw if she tells him that he provides a key by such and such a date or she will break in I think she's being fair. At least in the absence of good reason for locking it up

Thank you flow4, ghoul & others that is just it. I really really don't want to have to break in, that is em why I think I have left it for so long, he is entitled to privacy but it is so suspicious! How do I bring it up with him again without sounding unreasonable. Whenever I have in the past he gets so defensive and sulks for the whole evening. I can't think of a good reason to even discuss it again without sounding accusing (even though I am!)

It is not that I am afraid if upsetting him it just makes me sound so paranoid (even though I am)

Lavenderhoney Mon 19-Nov-12 17:20:00

Flow4 's suggestion is a great deal better thn mine, and op, I apologise for inciting you to hack...

I wouldn't threaten divorce though! Seems a bit extreme but you might feel very strongly it's a deal breaker.

However he can show/ tell you anything on the pc he wants you to see. I would just check the bank statements and credit card statements and make sure you can account for everything, as he may have paid from them, or opened another account with on line statements only if he has taken large amounts of cash out or is self employed and can tell people where to send money.

Still curious thoughsmile

amillionyears Mon 19-Nov-12 17:20:00

You could make a private space of your own and make a big fuss, to make sure he notices. Then see what his reaction is. this plan wont work if he just says ok then!

ll31 Mon 19-Nov-12 17:25:14

Yep flow4 is way to go, I do think it seems v strange unless you have form for re organising Without consulting!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 19-Nov-12 17:29:40

I would say exactly what Flow4 suggests. Make sure he knows that this is not a joke to you and that having access to the whole of your home is very important to you. Maybe say something like, "I want to trust you but how can I when you're behaving so secretively about your studio?"

But, why would he have to lock you out of the whole room/shed if the computer can't be accessed anyway?

I would do what flow4 said - I would not be happy about this behaviour in my own home.

Cahooots Mon 19-Nov-12 17:31:47

Is his computer the main computer? Ordo you have another one controlling the router/network?

McChristmasPants2012 Mon 19-Nov-12 17:32:58

Flow4 speaks sense.

I would be livid if DH hacked into my accounts and he knows how to. If he ever broke my lock on my box then I would see red. ( all that's in there is my memories)

There has to be a reason why he is so paranoid about leaving the door locked

PiggeryJokery Mon 19-Nov-12 17:34:51

How about waiting until the next time you need something from the studio and have to ask for access? Or next time he is in there, go and have a chat. Or what about if you have friends over, any way you can prime a friend to remark disbelievingly but jokingly how odd the situation is / how she wouldn't let her DH do this (preferably with a DH there who can agree).

Might be easier than having to launch a conversation about it out of the blue, which instantly escalates it into A Big Talk when it sounds like he would automatically go on the defensive.

Jux Mon 19-Nov-12 17:40:29

Say what flow4 and oopslateagain have said. That is not accusatory or defensive or anything, just reasonable.

scarletforya Mon 19-Nov-12 17:46:48

I would get a Private Investigator onto this. Or go to a shop like this and get a minature camera and place it so that it can view the screen of his Mac when he is using it.

Spouses can have their secrets yes but this is all wrong. Keeping you out of part of your own house and withholding the key from you?

That is sinister and unreasonable. I would be terrified it might be something like child abuse images or something. I don't like the fact that he just expects your blind, unquestioning obedience.

GhostShip Mon 19-Nov-12 17:56:18

He gets defensive and sulks? Something wrong there.

I wouldn't do anything sneaky like people are suggesting, I'd be outright about it. Its up to him to prove that everythings ok, not for you to prove there's something wrong.

DowagersHump Mon 19-Nov-12 17:56:44

You aren't paranoid if you say that you want a key in case you need a blank DVD or the fabric pen back or a pot of paint. And if he won't give you one, then he's the one that's being paranoid, not you.

I suppose you need to think of what you're going to do next if he still stonewalls. Personally, I'd skive off work for a few hours and break in (you can have a dentist appt or something). He's fucking with your head and now you've started thinking about why he won't let you in (particularly considering some of the more lurid suggestions on this thread!), I don't think you'll be able to go back to not knowing

quoteunquote Mon 19-Nov-12 18:00:27

I'm not sure if I am missing something here,

I can't imagine being in this situation, as it wouldn't be acceptable to how I want to share my life,

But I would ask him to open the door, switch on the computer and let me look at it, if he didn't or resisted in anyway, I would end the relationship,

I would find it totally unacceptable to be made to feel like this justified or not, I would find that been put in a position where I was suspicious of someone in my life totally unacceptable, that alone would end a relationship for me.

no one when making a life plan, adds, Husband will make me feel insecure, and suspicious, by locking a part of our home, and has a computer I am not allowed to use.

chances are you are not the next Sonia Sutcliffe, but the man has gone to a lot of effort to keep something secret, so you have to decide,

ostrich approach, carry on and live with it,

Confront and deal with the reaction, will he immediately give you full access without any delays?

or do you assume he is up to no good, open that door, and take the computer to an expert who will be able to tell you, what your husband has been up to, if he objects after you do this, you explain that is what happens when someone behaves in a way that causes so much concern.

BetsyBoop Mon 19-Nov-12 18:05:07

I would fit a hasp and padlock of my own and then refuse to give him a key! Then neither of you can get in without the other being present. If he's playing silly games then play him at his own game!

That way he can also experience how you feel about not being allowed into part of your home....

naturalbaby Mon 19-Nov-12 18:10:17

if nothing else, I'd be more worried about electrical faults causing a fire in a locked room in my home.

HildaOgden Mon 19-Nov-12 18:11:23

Walk straight in,unannounced,the next time he is at the computer screen.Don't just pop your head around the door.Go straight to the computer screen and look.Either

A.You will see something totally innocent,and decide he is just being ocd about 'his space'.
B.He will scurry to change tabs,all of a fluster.This totally gives you the right to demand he tells you what he is up to.

Do it.You have the right.And it's not invading any 'innocent' privacy of his.

Siobhan487 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:31:05

Phone him when he is out - a decent distance/time away - and say you or a passer by has knocked on the door because they can smell burning and see what looks like smoke coming under the door and need to get in there ASAP - to unplug whatever it is before the whole house goes up - hopefully he will then panic and tell you where the spare key is hidden - then go out to get a copy cut before he gets back. When he comes screeching home - you just say - sorry - it was the neighbour in the house over the back that the smell was coming from etc... Here's your spare key - then look at your leisure. If he just wants you to turn the elec off - you can say it must be paperwork alight - I can smell burning!!! - if I can't get in there I going to have to call the fire brigade or get Bob down the road to kick the door in - I CAN'T just leave it!!

Rubbish to breaking his trust etc - it's your life and the safety of your family you are potentially protecting here - yes, as everyone says there are problems if he is doing this - however you want to come at this from a position of power and that comes from knowing what the hell is going on - if you are in there a camera etc is easy to put in...

No way in hell would I stick not being able to get in there a) I own the house too - I have a right to access b) what if there was a fire etc....

McChristmasPants2012 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:34:23

In a case of a fire DON'T open a door, the air will feed the fire.

I am shocked how many posters don't know this.

Bogeyface Mon 19-Nov-12 18:37:51

Lots of people know that hmm

What they are referring to is the moment when you say "Can you smell burning?" and you walk around the house sniffing before realising that the bloke next door is having a fag next to the kitchen window (or whatever). By checking a burning smell to its source you can PREVENT a fire. Leaving it and calling the fire brigade when you arent even sure there is a fire thanks to your dickhead OH keeeping you locked out of a room could not only be embarrassing but expensive as they are allowed to charge for those kind of call outs afaik

McChristmasPants2012 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:40:01

So what happens if the op don't find anything. She would of broken the trust and respect from her partner for nothing.

I wouldn't be happy about being locked out of any part of my home, but I belive the best way is to talk about it.

Some of the replys like getting a private detective, hacking computers, breaking down door, lying about fires ect are extreme reactions. If my DH did that the relationship and marriage would be over

TiredBooyhoo Mon 19-Nov-12 18:55:27

as much as i agree with everyone saying "what if she finds nothing, she will have breached his trust for nothing"

i would bet my life on there being something to find on that computer. in OP's shoes i wouldn't have made it a year before telling him his behaviour had caused me not to trust him and that the relationship was over. i just could not be in that kind of relationship.

Siobhan487 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:59:22

Yes - OBVIOUSLY if there was a fire you wouldn't open a door BUT a smouldering wire, which would smell (burnt plastic smell - is very distinctive) etc you would get to and unplug etc to stop it developing into a fire (it's not even a real fire anyway - it's just an excuse to get hold of the key so I don't see the point in debating the correct safety procedures in case of a fire - not really the focus here) - my point is if she says there is a potential fire - then he has a choice - tell her where the key is or risk losing the house/calling out fire brigade/Bob from down the road kicking the door in or protecting his secret - it's got to be damned impressive secret if he would risk the house for it - which would tell her a lot in itself - if I was frightened something was smouldering in my garage/room I would get in there however I could.

And I hardly think she can lose his respect and trust - how is what he doing being respectful and trusting of her?? By not letting her into part of her house and not trusting her with a key ?? You think that is showing someone respect and trust?

Siobhan487 Mon 19-Nov-12 19:01:01

That's exactly what I meant Bogey - thank you!

flow4 Mon 19-Nov-12 19:12:34

quote, I think the point is that the OP hasn't been suspicious - and still isn't, very. She posted because she was miffed and wondering whether she was unreasonable to insist on a key, not because she was terribly worried...

McC, I absolutely agree. I have a locked room in my house, and a password-protected PC, and a briefcase with a combination, and any number of personal papers and files... and if I found anyone going through these without talking to me first I would be livid. If it was DP, then it would almost certainly end the relationship. It would be a terrible intrusion and breach of trust.

aurora, I don't think you need to worry about being paranoid. Locked room and secrets fascinate people - it's just human nature! smile You started with a little niggle, and it has grown - that can just happen sometimes in a relationship (e.g. DH's snoring that didn't bother you, but now does; DP going out down the pub too often, and at first it's fine but then... etc... You get my point smile ) Now your curiosity is piqued, you need to know...

I think you can probably say exactly what I suggested earlier. If you're worried about sounding silly, then you can head that off by saying "I know this sounds silly, but..." If he starts being sulky, you can say something like "Please don't be like that. I know this doesn't seem important to you, but it is important to me...

You said you trust him and you generally have a good relationship, so this conversation is probably going to be a bit embarrassing... But that's better than letting that niggle grow and grow into a great big worry.

Andwhatever the circumstances, I think breaking in, hacking the PC, sneaking around etc. are bad ideas... A good marriage is based on truth not lies, trust not mistrust, straight-dealing not double-dealing... Isn't it?

NarcolepsyQueen Mon 19-Nov-12 19:29:44

What would happen if somebody knocked on the front door for him whilst he was in his studio? Could you answer the front door and go and get him? <Thereby getting into the studio as the door is unlocked> I would happily volunteer to be the door knocker if you promise to share your findings with us!

Bogeyface Mon 19-Nov-12 19:32:57
Bogeyface Mon 19-Nov-12 19:33:13


cloutiedumpling Mon 19-Nov-12 19:37:40

I'm afraid I think he may well be up to something illegal. It is very odd that he will not even let you into the room alone. If he was up to something on the computer it would be password protected, but not even giving you access to the room makes me think there's probably something else. If he had childhood issues re privacy they'd probably have surfaced somewhere else in his life and not just in relation to this room. Was the camera fitted at about the same time as the garage was turned into a room? Can he view the images from inside so he can see if anyone is approaching?

DowagersHump Mon 19-Nov-12 19:50:42

You have a locked room in your house, flow? Why? confused

I have an office which is out of bounds to people but I tend to trust them not to go in there. The only reason is that there is a lot of confidential client stuff lying around and I've signed confidentiality agreements. But I wouldn't dream of locking it

amillionyears Mon 19-Nov-12 20:01:54

I have been surprised at this thread.
Normally on MN, most posters agree that you must not pry, even if the op suspects an affair.
I dont necessarily agree.

But on this thread, the vast majority are very much for prying.
I dont understand.
Is it just a different set of posters?

PenguinBear Mon 19-Nov-12 20:07:35

Haven't read the whole thread so don't know if anyone has suggested this but can you not go in their at night OP when he is asleep?! grin

quoteunquote Mon 19-Nov-12 20:09:26

Flow,I think the point is that the OP hasn't been suspicious - and still isn't, very. She posted because she was miffed and wondering whether she was unreasonable to insist on a key, not because she was terribly worried..

Am silently fuming

However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house.

*If he had just given me one first I would have no interest but now it has become this big issue and his refusal is making me want to go through it (which is not like me, I know he has porn there & I don't mind, but he knows I know this so must be something else right?*)

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

I know this does sound like a wind up but sadly it is not

I am getting worried now after some of the replies!

I do think there must be something

Believe it or not this is true and that's why I am going at my speed. Which will be a bit faster though now you have all confirmed that I should be worried.

It is not that I am afraid if upsetting him it just makes me sound so paranoid

Oh I would say she sounds worried, and with good reason, no one behaves like that unless they have something to hide.

tharsheblows Mon 19-Nov-12 20:11:12

amilionyears, I think the difference is that people really REALLY want to know what's in that room.

Good luck, aurora - I hope it works out well.

amillionyears Mon 19-Nov-12 20:24:10

tharsheblows grin

cloutiedumpling Mon 19-Nov-12 20:26:59

I'm not sure I would want to know. If it something illegal then the OP would have to decide what she was going to do about it. If she found something like child porn would she be committing a crime if she didn't report it to the police, even if her DH said he'd destroy it?

LilllyLovesLife Mon 19-Nov-12 20:37:32

Too right it should be reported though cloutiedumplings. If somebody had been doing that, In the same house as my children. With unsupervised contact and a locked away room - that needs some investigating! Not saying it is that, I am just saying IF.

Family members ignoring things like this is how so much gets left undetected.

naturalbaby Mon 19-Nov-12 20:48:51

indeed - most of the posters want the OP to find out what's going on because it's just too mysterious.

We neeeeeed to know!!

He either has something to hide or has some sort of privicy/control issues. The question is how do you persuade him that he needs to let the OP in and reveal what he's been hiding prove that he's got nothing to hide and she's got nothing to worry about.

flow4 Mon 19-Nov-12 20:55:08

Dowager, I have a locked room because I was burgled in the summer. I don't know whether you have ever been burgled, but it made me afraid and wary. Having internal locks fitted was one of several steps I took to make me feel a bit safer and more in control: keeping one locked means I don't have to think about security every time I go out.

Yup, usual, I agree the OP is worried now: you can't in-think these sort of thoughts, can you?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 19-Nov-12 20:55:58

Yes people with nothing to hide do lock things up.

People who think they have the right as an adult to unrestricted web access or unchecked texts/ email/ letters/ diarys etc and know they can't do so without locking things up.

I do nothing even remotely questionable at all but I lock everything up. From my perspective the second another person feels the need to check up on me is the second they leave my life. I have no desire to have someone in my life who would judge me like that.

Just because I have sex with someone and/ or have feelings does not mean they have the right to supervise my life.

flow4 Mon 19-Nov-12 20:56:35

That should be UN-think, of course smile

I don't think he is up to anything particularly heinous but he IS playing power games. He is treating the OP like an untrustworthy child and behaving as though the house is his and she is only allowed access to what he feels she has need to have access to.

In my relationship this would be unacceptable.

This is not a relationship between two equal adults but a relationship between a man who feels that he is boss and a woman who feels powerless to challenge in an effective way.

Of course it's always possible that he is a modern Bluebeard with a secret fridge full of the heads of previous wives who challenged his right to keep secrets.

LilllyLovesLife Mon 19-Nov-12 21:24:33

The fact that the OP still has done nothing and doesn't seem to be making any plans to either is really making me think it's not real.

I'd get an axe and smash the door down. Fuck his sensibilities and your paranoia. Your paranoia is not paranoia or misplaced suspicion he is up to something and its dodgy mark my words. Whatever it is for him not to want you to find out means its immoral or illegal or both!

Rachog Mon 19-Nov-12 21:31:13

If there was something on the computer why would he need to keep the whole room locked? Surely a password would be enough to keep the computer private?

At first I thought he was storing class a drugs, cocaine or similar but that was just getting swept away with the initial hysteria. Now I think that he is probably just protective of his work and wants to keep his work in progress private.

If it is making you uneasy then just tell him. I would go with what has been suggested upthread about how you know it is silly but it is important to you. If he won't let you have access to the room and computer immediately then I would worry.

MikeOxard Mon 19-Nov-12 21:34:31

I agree with cutting. The OP seems to think this is a privacy/curiosity issue. It isn't. It's a control/respect issue. How dare he lock you out of a room of your own house? Get a locksmith in and get him to change his attitude or fuck off.

DowagersHump Mon 19-Nov-12 21:46:55

I do kind of take your point about feeling violated like that but I've been burgled 8 times that I can remember and I still think it's unacceptable to lock your spouse out of a room in a house that they own.

flow4 Mon 19-Nov-12 21:57:24

I don't have a spouse, Dowager. smile If I did, they would also have a key...
I am not for a moment suggesting it is OK for the OP to be locked out - I have said I would not like it at all if it happened to me - but neither would I like someone going into a room I kept private stuff in, without talking to me about it first, whether or not they had the key to it.

My key point is that aurora should talk to her DH if she values her marriage, not break down doors or sneak around or whatnot...

Those asking why he keeps the shed locked if the computer is password protected - perhaps he is worried someone else will steal the computer and find what's on it? That the dcs might borrow it? That the OP might simply have more opportunity to get into it and find his secret.

This is very very odd and I'm surprised you've gone a whole year accepting that you are locked out of a room in your own property and aren't allowed in there without your husband. Weird!

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 19-Nov-12 22:05:38

A good few years ago some friends of mine bought a big house, just them and two children, (one of each) they bought a 5 bed property.

One of the "spare" rooms is the work from home office, they both use it.
The second room is locked. The children and the DP are not aloud in there unless my friend is there.

The reason is that he wants to keep all of his collectables, painted table top battle figures, in box toys, light sabers, collectors edition firgures/books etc. his wife wanted to throw them away, the deal was that he got his own room for the stuff that she never wanted to see and she got a bigger house.

Another friend has a locked garage for his spider (car) that he is restoring, his wife has tried before to sell it.

Another has converted his garage in to a sopund studio it has all of his guitars, and assoicated crap with it. His DP after a row has tried to brake his stuff. It is now locked out of the way.

Just a few reasons to think about.

Or he could -of course- just be a dick.

Cahooots Mon 19-Nov-12 22:08:52

Maybe there is no mystery, the OP states that her DH has his stash of PORN in his room. She says she doesn't mind but I doubt Her DH wants her to walk in whilst he's, umm, busy

MORCAPS Mon 19-Nov-12 22:11:47

I know this is an 'out there' suggestion.

But couldn't you have a serious conversation with the man you are married and have children with and who has never previously given you any reason not to trust him?

MORCAPS Mon 19-Nov-12 22:14:08

I know this is an 'out there' suggestion.

But couldn't you have a serious conversation with the man you are married and have children with and who has never previously given you any reason not to trust him?

Crazy I know, but just a suggestion. I mean obviously kicking down the door and inviting random strangers to hack into your husbands PC makes more sense. But could be worth a try?

DowagersHump Mon 19-Nov-12 22:14:33

Gosh BBJ - you seem to know an awful lot of dysfunctional couples hmm

Bogeyface Mon 19-Nov-12 22:14:58

As was said earlier, people with nothing to hide, dont hide things.

He could easily say "The spare is in my bedside drawer, but could you please respect my privacy and not go in there unless you really need to?"

And that would be fine.

Its the secrecy that is the problem. As another pp said, there is a big difference between secrecy and privacy and I wonder if the OP is posting because rather than being "not bothered" as she was before, her instinct is now telling her that there is something wrong.

Bogeyface Mon 19-Nov-12 22:15:45

MOR but she tried and he turned it around to her being unreasonable and refused to discuss it. If he discussed it then fine, but he wont.

LilllyLovesLife Mon 19-Nov-12 22:18:11

Cahooots - except it's when he is NOT in there that she isn't allowed in

Cahooots Mon 19-Nov-12 22:19:51

Mmm, fair point.....



Proudnscary Mon 19-Nov-12 22:20:54

Of course it's the porn. I'd bet my life on it.

There's just more of it and it's more unsavoury (not necessarily illegal) than he wants you to know.

Question is a) how do you feel about heavy porn use/the porn industry and b) how much is his secrecy over this affecting your relationship? Because I think judging by this thread a lot more than you've realised. The secrecy is eroding your trust in him and it's also taking him away from the family if he's wanking more than working.

I'm a bit in two minds about charging in there and demanding to see his computer though.

I am actually one of those MNetters who is all for snooping if a poster suspects an affair BUT if my dh demanding to see my laptop/ipad I'd be furious. Yes there are things I don't want him to see- posts on Mumsnet for a start! There are emails I wouldn't want him to see simply because they are private - for eg a close friend emails me a lot about her marriage and wouldn't want my dh to see. If he demanded to see them I'd tell him to fuck off.

MORCAPS Mon 19-Nov-12 22:22:59

So have a whopping great argument about it then.

If you have gotten to the point in your marriage where you think you need to break into rooms and hack computers then your marriage is over anyway.

LaCiccolina Mon 19-Nov-12 22:23:18

I'm sorry but this is now funny. Have u still not been in it?! 356 replies and counting and ur still dithering?!

He's not got a cannabis farm in there has he? Does iPhone/pad have a heat sensor app???

Any other imaginative ideas than serial killer/child porn ?

CaptainVonTrapp Mon 19-Nov-12 22:24:54

I would give him a last warning that you aren't happy at not having access to each room in YOUR (joint) house. It suggests a real inequality and lack of respect and trust. And that you will knock the door down if he doesn't give you a key.

Then I'd knock the door down. Someone suggested this would be a breach of trust!! Entering a room in your own home is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Just because he has decided it is his private space that you may not enter without permission doesn't make this true. Don't start to believe that.

Having a password protected computer is quite a reasonable thing and I'd think very hard before attempting to hack it or similar. (I don't think you had this in mind though).

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Mon 19-Nov-12 22:26:52

I think he has a small but significant collection of glittery china unicorns.

It's really the only logical explanation.

maddening Mon 19-Nov-12 22:27:31

Don't break in - add an extra lock to the door - a padlock perhaps - he can have a copy of your key when you have a copy of his.

LilllyLovesLife Mon 19-Nov-12 22:27:48

LaCiccolina - exactly. That's what makes me think it's all just a wind up!

LilllyLovesLife Mon 19-Nov-12 22:28:57

Suprise suprise - if you click on her name this is her one and only thread.

amillionyears Mon 19-Nov-12 22:29:40

I am slighty umm about all of this.
I suspect there are plenty of posters on here who would not want their diaries looked at.

CaptainVonTrapp Mon 19-Nov-12 22:29:52

amillionyears people are adamant the OP should have access to a room in her own home. I don't consider it prying to walk into any room in my own home.

I think the people suggesting breaking his password/hacking his computer are actually joking... (though I'm prepared to be corrected!)

amillionyears Mon 19-Nov-12 22:30:29

I suspect that Lilly. I couldnt be bothered to look.

amillionyears Mon 19-Nov-12 22:31:32

Captain, you wrote all that in 12 seconds. I am impressed.

amillionyears Mon 19-Nov-12 22:33:27

True Captain.
I dont think they are joking about the password/hacking?

amillionyears Mon 19-Nov-12 22:34:54

Actually, I dont understand hw you could have typed that all in 12 seconds, you are incredibly speedy hmm

CaptainVonTrapp Mon 19-Nov-12 22:35:49

It was in reply to your earlier post!

It has to be real because you just couldn't make it up.

CaptainVonTrapp Mon 19-Nov-12 22:37:43

I hope the suggestions to get a hacker to the computer are tongue in cheek (much as I'd like to know what odd manner of porn he has on there)

However I have private stuff on my pc that certainly isn't illegal but I wouldn't like anyone to read. (emails to friend about her health etc)

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 19-Nov-12 22:39:42


I wouldn't call any of them dysfunctional (ok, maybe the DP who smashed the guitars), they just had differing attitudes to what should go in to the house. (although I would say that trying to sell someones stuff without them knowing is quite controling.

NotDavidTennant Mon 19-Nov-12 22:41:23

If you really, really must gain access you just have to give him an ultimatum: either he shows you were the spare key is or you'll bring in a locksmith while he's out and you will keep a copy of the key to the new lock.

amillionyears Mon 19-Nov-12 22:43:52

Captain, ohh. That was a coincidence then.

Jux Mon 19-Nov-12 22:58:36

My dh has a studio in our house. It is his room. It is never locked, the door is usually open.

I go in as and when I need to, which is not that often to be honest.

It is ludicrous to be locked out of a room in your house.

whois Mon 19-Nov-12 23:38:21

So... I read up to about page 8. Has anything happened? Have the bodies been found?

OP I'm sure you don't need another poster telling you, but I'm going to anyway. YANBU and that is fucking strange he won't put a spare key in the drawer/box/wherever you keep keys. And the whole keeping it on him is mega odd.


DumSpiroSpero Mon 19-Nov-12 23:57:53

no one behaves like that unless they have something to hide.

Not necessarily true, some people are just over very protective of their personal space.

My wardrobe and my handbag are mine - if I found DH poking about in either I would go batshit tbh.

tescocarrierbagexplosion Tue 20-Nov-12 02:03:36

I'm desperate to know what's in there!! OP where do you live?! Can we all come and help break in?!

Was thinking about this more last night and settled on the worrying fact that if he is doing something terribly illegal in there (other than this thread, which I am not sure is not a wind up because I have trouble viewing your relationship being so perfect but this big old dumbo sitting trumpeting at you!) when it all comes out no one is going to believe that he had a room in the house to which you didn't have access and had no idea what he did in there!

Imagine the pictures of you in your cardi looking bat shit crazy with the headline 'wife said she had no idea.............' Insert husband was Europe's biggest distributor of snuff movies or child porn or kept young girl prisoner in crawl space above garage!!!

Morning all, that you all again for the replies. I am going to have another talk with him.

Lily - you think this isn't real because I haven't done anything yet? If I was making it up I could think of some great twists for you all but it is real and I have had work & children's clubs, husband at work etc. I will pick my moment, probably at the weekend and discuss again. I did start one other thread about my cousins wedding but that was a few months ago, I do normally just read the boards and have been a bit taken a back by how many replies I have had!

I know everyone is desperate to know what he has (& believe me I am too) but I need to do this in what I feel is the right way.

All the advice has been great (& have learned a lot about about breaking insmile)

Cozy9 Tue 20-Nov-12 06:05:11

HAvent you read bluebeard? Stay out of there!

Think reading Bluebeard may give me nightmares!

Not that it matters now as I have my answer and that it is not normal and I will persevere until I get a key but if I were winding you up my next posts would definitely be me breaking in in the dead of night, snooping through drawers, guessing the password and regaling you with all the dodgy things I found, incl cheesy music, glass unicorns etc (& I do love those suggestions)

However I have a feeling that pushing this issue in the middle of family dinner or on the way to work etc wont get me anywhere so I will wait for a quiet time to confront him again. After a year I don't think a few more days will make much difference.

stuffitunderthebed Tue 20-Nov-12 06:29:27

I know what you're saying, and I agree with you OP, but, we cant wait until the weekend!

Cozy9 Tue 20-Nov-12 06:34:38

I think he is entitled to some private space, as are you.

echt Tue 20-Nov-12 06:37:02

I mentioned this thread to DH. His was response was the OP's DH was controlling/abusive and said OP should leave the bastard. But break into the garage first.

amillionyears Tue 20-Nov-12 06:45:50

According to the op, he is a lovely man in all other ways.
Do his parents keep seperate, private, locked areas from each other?

MrsBucketxx Tue 20-Nov-12 07:18:22

tis still odd, you know your dh better than us op.
good luck in what ever you do.

JustAnotherLlama Tue 20-Nov-12 07:49:43

I agree talking to him at a time that is best for you is the way forward, however if you do feel he's hiding something from you, when you talk to him, demand that he takes you into the room there and then and log onto his computer for you. If you tell him you want access in so many days, then if he is hiding something he's got plenty of time to make sure it's completely hidden. Bitter previous experience just keep it in mind.

Cozy9 Tue 20-Nov-12 07:53:33

If all he is doing is hiding something on a computer, there are ways of doing it that don't involve keeping the computer in a locked room.

Sadly I think it's to do with the porn and in all probability it's illegal stuff. Ugh. Good luck OP.

LilllyLovesLife Tue 20-Nov-12 08:38:15

I agree with JustAnotherLlama - if you just talk and get a spare key then anything dodgy will be removed. If he is clever enough to have got away with this for a year, he is not going to be stupid enough to give you the key and leave it in there.

We all know that he IS hiding something, or he wouldn't be so possessive about the key.

Is this an internal garage with a door linking from your house? Or a garage at the bottom of the garden?

Adversecamber Tue 20-Nov-12 08:48:22

I shared a flat with first proper bf and was with him for quite a few years, we bought the flat together. It had locked mailboxes in the porch, he always had the key and would not let me have it. Turned out he had a secret bank account and very possibly had an affair, still unsure.

flow4 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:13:05

aurora, if you feel you should take it slowly, then I think you are absolutely right to do that. smile This is your husband and your marriage, and you are of course the best person to judge how you should handle the situation.

The people hoping that you'll bash down the door or hire a private detective on a cold grey Tuesday in November, don't have to worry about the consequences for you, your children and your marriage... People love a bit of drama, when it's in someone else's life!

To my mind, the important issue is that you are shut out of part of your home - and that situation has just evolved over time and been accepted by you both - but now you realise you don't like it, so you need and are right to raise it and change it.

Chances are, when he refused to give you the key, he was just being a bit of an arse rather than a psychopath or abuser... hmm Or even more innocently, he doesn't actually realise this has become important to you, because it wasn't before and he hasn't been paying that much attention because let's face it, he wouldn't be the first man in history to miss major clues about his partner's worries or issues, would he?!

When you raised this with him before, it was an irritation but not much of a worry for you - now it is. Your concerns have grown, but I would bet a million quid he doesn't yet know that.

Just talk to him, so he knows that you are now seriously bothered by this, and take it from there smile

quietlysuggests Tue 20-Nov-12 09:56:07


If you ask him,you will NEVER know.
You will stick to your guns this time, really force the issue, he will stone wall,fight back, accuse you of bullshit, threaten to leave etc
Then he will finally give in and say I'll change the lock next weekend.
But before the appointed day you will come home from work to find him there to find an open shed and a key thrown in your face.
You will NEVER be told the truth, as if it were a palatable truth then you would know it already.

For the rest of your life it will be his secret and his victory.

So for the rest of your married life you will not know.
Is it child abuse/porn? Is he sending money to "help me buy my boobs/ escape my pimp"? Is he webcamming prostitiutes? Is he gambling? Is he having an online affair?
You will never know.

cees Tue 20-Nov-12 10:02:26

This really should not be something you feel you have to pick your moment with, it's just a key and he should just hand it over unless he is looking at something which he knows would disgust you.

Your even nervous of bringing up the subject again with him in case he goes into a mood. It doesn't bode well, does it?

LavenderPots Tue 20-Nov-12 10:39:10

this would really annoy me =s is it attached to the house or seperate?

lottie63 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:47:43

Sit him down. Tell him, it s making you worried and unhappy. If he says 'you re paranoid', explain that it's not that you're paranoid about the key per se. Rather it is his reluctance that is making you concerned, that you re struggling to find reasons why he won't give you one

lunar1 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:50:41

I think adults are allowed their privacy but not to the extent of a locked room in your shared house. The more i think about it the odder it seems.

I know talking to him seems the right thing to do but to be honest i would be breaking in. All talking to him will do is give him time to think about it and move anything incriminating. he can then show you that everything is fine and say you are paranoid and go back to locking you out.

FFS he has a webcam set up to spy on you in case you go in. Does he have any mental health problems that may cause increased paranoia, maybe he needs to see a doctor.

SoggySummer Tue 20-Nov-12 10:56:37

I am with quietlysuggests.

Much as I agree communication is the way forward - he will probably strop off then offer a key in a few days time when his secret has been eradicated or moved elsewhere.

At the same time its bad enough snooping even if the OP did get hold of the key, let alone hiring a hacker to hack his computer. Thats the stuff of films and soap operas and not real life. It would take nerves of steel to do that and if discovered would be the end of the relationship I suspect.

Its a shit situation. There is no easy way forward.

I would like to think if he genuinely had nothing to hide and was genuinely concerned about how upset the OP is about this situation he would say there and then "here is the key, go and have a look right now, I'll sit here and watch the kids whilst you do" - but he wont. So whatever the motive behind his key secrecy is unlikely to ever be disocovered sadly.

The more I think about this the more controlling I think he is.

imogengladhart Tue 20-Nov-12 11:04:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

echt Tue 20-Nov-12 11:33:47

So the trust issue hinges on the concealment being "innocent". If he has a blameless garage which he locks his wife out of - the garage she owns as much as he does - then that's OK? But if it's full of kiddy porn then she's justified in breaking in?

This is is her house. She is being locked out. Her trust is irrelevant; he does not trust her.

chubbychipmonk Tue 20-Nov-12 11:46:52

FFS, why are you still going to sit down and 'talk to him again', ? So he can turn round & say you're being unreasonable by wanting a key? So you then demand one, he goes into shed & wipes all the dodgy porn/ illegal porn/ child porn/gambling website/ affair history. . Or whatever. . Off the computer & then gives you a key.
I would be going in there when he is there, unannounced & see exactly what he is doing in there or looking at. I wouldn't be 'popping my head in' either. I think secretly deep down you know there's something dodgy but are just too scared to find out.
I certainly wouldn't have been able to bury my head in the sand over it for do long. . . Certainly not after 400 people have since told you it's wrong too. You didn't answer the question about the finances. Have you seen any of your bank statements lately? Either hubby's or joint account? Might give you some clue if he is spending money on porn/gambling/affair?. . . Or are all the bank statements locked in there too [hmm
Good luck whatever the outcome.

quietlysuggests Tue 20-Nov-12 12:22:00

echt, how simply put, how correct.
If he says
"So you dont trust me, you are paranoid, you are accusing me of something...."
the actual truth of it is
"But you dont trust me, you've locked me out of my own house, you are so paranoid about your wife finding oout god kows what that you hav locked her out of her own shed!"

I would put it a bit differently actually.

It has to be one of two things:

Either, everything's innocent in there but for some reason he does not trust YOU


He has something seriously dodgy in there, meaning you cannot trust HIM and he knows he'd be in the shit if you found out about it.

Either way, it's a problem which you need to get sorted out.

AgathaF Tue 20-Nov-12 12:31:13

He must have some bloody big secret in there to be taking it to the extreme of passworded computer, locked door, key on person at all times and spare key hidden.

bedmonster Tue 20-Nov-12 12:33:53

WOW. After 17 pages of reading I suggest you put your own security cameras (this would be reasonable if there have been break ins) and train one on the door to his shed. That way you can see if he is moving things out after you talk to him about getting a key.

flow4 Tue 20-Nov-12 13:07:42

I'm surprised at the number of people who say they'd break down doors before they'd talk to their partners...

And the number who suggest they get and expect no privacy at all in their relationships...

And the number who see a conspiracy rather than a communication failure...

And the number who are sure they know the OP's husband better than she knows him herself...

And the number who assume the OP's partner knows what is going on inside her head without being told...

And the number who think 'two wrongs make a right', and the best way to deal with an unreasonable situation is to behave more unreasonably...

The bottom line is that if the OP is anywhere close to breaking into the garage, setting up her own security camera, hiring a private detective, etc., then her marriage is already over. If she feels she needs to do these things, then she just needs to leave him.

But she clearly values her relationship and doesn't think it's over. So she needs to act to make things better, not worse.

msrisotto Tue 20-Nov-12 13:08:15

Agatha - Don't forget the security camera!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 20-Nov-12 13:15:26

Flow4 - you speak a lot of sense. Luckily OP seems to be following your advice rather the more extreme posters. There could be many explanations for OP's husband's behaviour many of which would not merit ending a marriage over. She needs to tread carefully whilst making sure her reasonable request for access to the garage is agreed to.

quietlysuggests Tue 20-Nov-12 16:18:36

Flow I disagree, look at the relationships board, think of people you know in real life.
People dont leave over a feeling that something wrong is going on, they leave when they KNOW.

You said - "The bottom line is that if the OP is anywhere close to breaking into the garage, setting up her own security camera, hiring a private detective, etc., then her marriage is already over. If she feels she needs to do these things, then she just needs to leave him"
but that is not the way human nature works.
It is so hideous breaking up a marriage especially with young children.
You think she could/should do this and live in rightous solitude because she has suspicions? No way anyone could do this.
Even when its clear as day that a woman's DH is having an affair for instance,they still need proof to leave, or they would go mad doubting themselves and afterleaving would convince themselves that it wasn't that bad.

OP you simply have to find out what he is hiding.
Go to an internet cafe and search around for how to retrieve a MAC password. Then one morning when he is at work bust open the lock and go into his computer and look.
Or find a local private detective - this is what I would do honestly.
He can do it all for you.
He finds something - at least you know.
He finds nothing - then your DH just thinks you have been burgled.

Badgersnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 16:23:26

If I were you I'd have turned the house upside down looking for the spare key by now.

OneMoreChap Tue 20-Nov-12 16:44:50

Or find a local private detective - this is what I would do honestly.

I look forward to explaining the bill, too of typically £45 an hour + exes, and £120 an hour for computer forensics. Wait, it's not your PC?

And the local chap explaining that you're now guilty of conspiracy to commit an offence under the computer misuse act too. See also this advice, and I think Mareva and Anton Piller.

Helpful too might be this article in which I like

What is a breach of confidence?

It is a breach of confidence if you, without the permission of your spouse, examine, make, retain or supply copies to a third party of a document whose contents are, were (or ought to have been), appreciated by you to be confidential to your spouse. The court’s view is that everyone has a right to confidentiality and can choose whether and, if so, to whom and in what circumstances and on what terms to reveal the information which has the protection of confidence.

What types of communication are likely to be regarded as private and confidential?

Communications covered are all of those concerning an individual’s family or private life, including personal and family finances and business dealings.

Clear examples of a breach of confidence include the following:-

Breaking locks and stealing documents.
Opening mail and failing to forward letters to the intended recipient.
Accessing a computer which is password protected.
Reading personal diaries or journals.
Retrieving messages on a personal mobile telephone.

AgathaF Tue 20-Nov-12 16:53:38

I wonder what legal guidance would suggest for a party who is denied admittance to an area of their jointly owned property by the other joint owner?

I would be really unhappy with this situation. It's not so much that the partner wants to retain some privacy, but that he fails to understand why his chosen means of ensuring this are so unacceptable to OP, and worse, attempts to turn the description of the situation around to make the OP look and feel unreasonable.

I really don't believe that he would go to the trouble of installing a camera in this room purely to safeguard his music gear (it wouldn't safeguard it anyway, just potentially make it easier for police to catch a burglar) yet have the rest of the house less well protected/monitored. The rest of the house contains his children, for goodness sake, what could be more valuable than them?

I've no idea what the way forward would be in this situation. I just know that I would find it intolerable.

OneMoreChap Tue 20-Nov-12 16:58:17

AgathaF IANAL, but I don't want anyone to think they can just break into their spouses computer etc.

OneMoreChap I agree that the more extreme idea, such as getting someone to hack the DH's computer are inadvisable. Surely though, having a locked room that one has no access to in a shared, family home is unacceptable.

I agree With you, Agatha that a person who was worried about break-ins would be more advised to put CCTV on the outside of the house, nice and visible to burglars, covering the house house with his precious wife and DC.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 20-Nov-12 17:52:14

One more chap.

If the lock is owned by them attached to a door owned by them and the computer is also owned by them it shouldn't be an issue.

You are perfectly legally allowed to break down your own door. The last time I had a private detective go through a laptop ( due to a perfectly reasonable suspicion of illegal pornography) it was confirmed that as I owned the laptop it was legal to do so the laptop was checked then delivered to the police on my instruction.

Fwiw I personally wouldn't do so as I'm a lock stuff up type but then again I would never jointly own anything with anyone so I would never be in a position where I would be locking a person out of a room owned by them if I was locking anyone out of anywhere it would be mine not there's.

diddl Tue 20-Nov-12 18:27:02

"that one has no access to in a shared, family home is unacceptable."

Well, as I put earlier, for me, not being able to get into the garage wouldn´t bother me at all-if there was nothing in there that I would ever need.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 20-Nov-12 18:32:14


It's not that she can't - she's been told she's not allowed to.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 20-Nov-12 18:33:49

sorry, didn't express that very well. I meant that if I asked to go in there I can't think of any logical reason why that should be denied me, OR a bloody convincing explanation why not.

Hi all I am still here reading although I don't really think I have much more to add except that I am grateful for all the advice & comments

FWIW he does have another small camera on the house. The garage internal one is supposed to help identify if we did have a break in (that's his theory anyway)

I would be surprised if its money as his salary goes in our joint account & I get the stub and do all bill paying. He does have a separate account for the business but leaves the statements & credit card ones on the side for me to file so not sure there could be anything going on there.

It technically is his computer as he bought it & I have my own laptop to use. I am afraid I might never completely get to the bottom of it as breaking in & hacking just seem too extreme for me (& if it is a privacy thing he might never trust me again) although were he to leave it open the devil on my shoulder might force me to have a peek!

Will be having some serious words (maybe threats if he refuses again) & hopefully get somewhere.

cees Tue 20-Nov-12 18:38:31

Tease grin

I know, I know. Must stop posting, I think I have said all I can anyway and can't offer any exciting developments smile

diddl Tue 20-Nov-12 18:42:17

Jamie-yes of course-he´s actually saying no & refusing to give a key which is shit.

Also knowing my husband-as I´m sure OP knows hers, I wouldn´t think it was illegal/drugs/porn.

quietlysuggests Tue 20-Nov-12 19:40:09

Well do let us know how it all turns out and best of luck.

CaptainVonTrapp Tue 20-Nov-12 21:22:09

aurora its not breaking in when its your room. It is your (shared) room remember? (as much as he would like you to think it isn't)

Of course hacking his computer is a different kettle of fish... And by the sound of it you both have your own so it is private.

AgathaF Wed 21-Nov-12 07:31:51

aurora - you mentioned upthread a locking document box that he has also, I think. Is he a particularly secretive sort of a guy? It makes me wonder about him generally because I was under the impression that within a marriage, and particularly when there are children of that marriage, there should legally be equality of possessions, property, shares etc. Hence all the problems of dividing stuff up when a marriage ends. I wonder how much stuff he is hiding from you, not just in your his garage, but in his locked box and anywhere else he may be stashing stuff away from you.

LessMissAbs Wed 21-Nov-12 08:09:12

I'd go in while he is in there and gauge his reaction.

I wouldn't speak to him again. He is just going to make up more ridiculous excuses as to why he is excluding you from part of your own property with locks and keys. Its utterly ridiculous beheaviour, and the implication has to be that he is hiding something big.

That said, if he simply wouldn't let me in while he was in there, I would break in. Its your joint property, he has no right to "ban" you from it and if you urgently need to gain access to part of your property and need to break a lock, or get a locksmith to do so, I cannot see any crime being committed.

OneMoreChap you can like all the articles you want, but while the OP is in a marriage with the husband and neither party has initiated proceedings, it is entirely appropriate for her to gain access to her own property for such items as she has already mentioned, such as cds or paint brushes, by breaking a lock. How odd that you should try to make this sound illegal. Once she has gained access, should she find something suspicious of a potentially criminal nature for example, she would be entirely right minded to take appropriate action, such as investigating further should the evidence be in danger of being lost - OP take photos on your mobile phone if necessary.

No-one innocent with nothing serious to hide would behave in this manner. The very fact that he has a locked room in your house and refuses you uncontrolled access would constitute unreasonable behaviour in any divorce.

He has a camera inside the room? Seriously?

Pedallleur Wed 21-Nov-12 09:06:25

I haven't read all this thread but the camera in the room is probably an IP camera. It is accessed by an IP address (like a computer) and if you have that address you can see what the camera sees from another location. So, the OPs partner can sit at work and have that camera on the screen and he knows if anyone comes into the room. Be interesting to see what happens if the OP did get in? He doesn't want the OP in there because he is doing something that is odd/dangerous/illegal or all 3. If it was relatively innocent, a password on the computer would work as there would be no access to the account (unless you know how to look for shared files/his account files via the C drive). Note that he prob. can't do this stuff via work for obvious reasons. I work in IT and everything I've read tells me that he has something going on. Being able to remote in is the best way as this won't leave any traces unless changes are made. This requires the IP address of the computer. An IT firm as mentioned in other posts will prob. be able to do it via the IP or the mac address (the latter being a unique code for every comuter). Of course, dialogue with the couple would help but he'll stall and shift everything digital onto a portable hard drive(s) and reimage the PC wiping any evidence and papers can be locked away

IDontDoIroning Wed 21-Nov-12 09:22:34

There's a camera IN the room.
So burglars could case your house over a few days break in to the rest of the house rob you of your other personal possessions but he would only have a record of it if they got into his LOCKED room.

Most opportunist burglars wouldn't bother if they had x boxes lap tops jewellery etc from the rest of the house.

That camera is there for one reason only - that's you OP.

Pedallleur Wed 21-Nov-12 09:54:16

As above. That camera moves things into the realm of surveillance OP and it's you being surveilled. Are you allowed to use the computer? My IT ideas are it could be dual-boot (2 x operating systems) so he can go into one and you'd never know. If dialogue breaks down you could go to a specialist firm and ask their advice - they will be familiar with this scenario. You are then free to do nothing or pursue it further. If you can get on the PC it's easy enough to get the IP/mac address should you need them. Is there another drive attached to the PC? You need the options but that camera is really the giveaway - he does NOT want you in there because of control/trust/secrecy issues

OneMoreChap Wed 21-Nov-12 10:06:36

OneMoreChap you can like all the articles you want,

Thanks for that, kind of you.

but while the OP is in a marriage with the husband and neither party has initiated proceedings, it is entirely appropriate for her to gain access to her own property for such items as she has already mentioned, such as cds or paint brushes

Yep, her own property.

by breaking a lock. How odd that you should try to make this sound illegal.

Sorry, did you miss the nonsense about hacking into DHs PC from some of the more extreme posters? Very, very clearly illegal - unless you'd care to nitpick that in some way?

Once she has gained access, should she find something suspicious of a potentially criminal nature for example, she would be entirely right minded to take appropriate action, such as investigating further should the evidence be in danger of being lost - OP take photos on your mobile phone if necessary.

No, it depends. If the "evidence" she's gathering is something the DH has a reasonable expectation of privacy for... it won't be admissable "evidence". That's kind of what the links said.

The very fact that he has a locked room in your house and refuses you uncontrolled access would constitute unreasonable behaviour in any divorce.

I haven't got your legal knowledge, so I bow to your expertise.

mummytime Wed 21-Nov-12 10:06:37

OP I have been lurking, here are my few thoughts.

In your situation I would be worried that one day we were going to have the police breaking the door down, and I hate to think which crime they would be investigating.

If you choose to LTB then surely this is unreasonable behaviour.

Is he a spy? Or does he have a fantasy life in which he is a spy? Is he having a breakdown?

Good luck, whatever happens.

LilllyLovesLife Wed 21-Nov-12 10:09:14

I am sorry but this thread is so annoying me now. The OP is either a total walk over who doesn't want to face up to the fact that her husband is clearly up to no good. Or she is winding us up. Either way, she isn't willing to do anything other than talk to him and give him an opportunity to cover his tracks. Rediculous and pointless thread as she hasn't listened to anybody.

OneMoreChap Wed 21-Nov-12 10:11:47

Oh, and 3 of my PCs have cameras attached to them, one an IP camera.
I like tech.

I have nothing dodgy my wife shouldn't see, but do have some commercially confidential stuff she must not see. But then, I do work from home, and DW knows what I do in general.

I do have letters and photographs from previous girlfriends/old friends... which are in the unlocked filing cabinet in the main body of the house, where all our other filing is...

I still suspect it's porn/dating sites, and I think OP needs a calm discussion and to walk in with him. I don't see a really happy ending, sadly.

Lily - this thread may be annoying & pointless to you as I am not going to go in 'all guns blazing' & do something which I may regret but it has been really useful to me. I have got some great advice and has confirmed to me that something which I had lived with for so long that it was becoming normal is, in fact, absolutely not. People have confined what I thought and had given me the confidence to change this.

I have been overwhelmed by the response but do take on board that I may miss something by waiting and feel slightly guilty I can't let you all have a neat ending to this.

If this were a movie he would be spy....

imogengladhart Wed 21-Nov-12 11:04:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LessMissAbs Wed 21-Nov-12 11:15:23

Yes, OneMoreChap specifically I stated that she would not be "breaking into" her own property in these circumstances. Your link referenced a divorce proceedings scenario, and even then its questionable. She could for instance be doing it for safety reasons (eg smell of smoke), or to access things she needs and cannot find (cds). There would hardly be any intent of committing a crime in those circumstances. Neither party is in the midst of divorce proceedings, so in a marriage, it would not be an unreasonable thing to do at all.

This is the poster's own property. Joint property, but at the moment she is being denied access to it.

Even in the most bitter of divorce proceedings, I doubt very much that the judge would regard having a locked room kept secret in the family home inadmissable evidence of unreasonable behaviour. How ridiculous.

OP - no-one goes to these extreme lengths to keep something secret unless (a) it is a very big secret, possibly illegal (b) they do some kind of job where secrecy is paramount (in which case you'd expect the secrets to be kept away from the family home) or (c) has some kind of mental condition.

OP you must either be very soft or under his control so that you cannot see how odd this is. Why on earth would you want to talk to him again? This is the man you are spending your life with - I would insist on finding out whats in there in case its my life thats going to be affected by it...

OneMoreChap Wed 21-Nov-12 11:37:35

No problem about her own property.

I repeat: "Sorry, did you miss the nonsense about hacking into DHs PC from some of the more extreme posters? Very, very clearly illegal - unless you'd care to nitpick that in some way?"

I also said in response to you wittering Once she has gained access, should she find something suspicious of a potentially criminal nature for example, she would be entirely right minded to take appropriate action, such as investigating further should the evidence be in danger of being lost

"No, it depends. If the "evidence" she's gathering is something the DH has a reasonable expectation of privacy for... it won't be admissable "evidence". That's kind of what the links said."

The "locked room" isn't what you suggested she should be photographing.

I doubt very much that the judge would regard having a locked room kept secret in the family home inadmissable evidence of unreasonable behaviour.

Almost anything can be unreasonable behaviour.
Grounds for divorce aren't evidentially the same as evidence of wrongdoing or criminal activity, which this is being morphed into.

So, in summary, you have no legal expertise then - just like me. Except you don't provide links to advice from lawyers. Would you like some links to examples of unreasonable behaviour, even from Mumsnet or is that TMI?

forgetmenots Wed 21-Nov-12 11:55:50

OP, I've read this whole thread. I don't think there is anything illegal going on, but he is hiding something from you (my guess? Nasty porn/webcam habit) and I can't believe that this habit has more security protection than you and your children. Please stand in the doorway of the room and demand that you see for yourself. Tell him you cannot live like this any more. I hope that you get answers soon.

Jux Wed 21-Nov-12 11:57:27

I agree with flow. This is all getting a bit out of hand, isn't it?

Once he understands how bad it is to refuse to have a spare key available to you, should you need it, and how strongly you feel about it, if he continues to refuse to let you have a spare key or to tell you where the spare is, it may be a different matter (depending upon his explanation and whether you are happy with it), but until then it really isn't worth getting into quite such a lather.

Yes, it is ridiculous that you have no access to the room.
Yes, it is unreasonable that you cannot just go in to get things you need, when you need them (blank disks, pens, whatever).
Yes, it is utterly childish of him not discuss it.

Does he not understand that his attitude is the major reason why you are unhappy with the situation? (That, and the inconvenience of having to wait for him to get home before you can grab a screwdriver.)

The fact that he sulks when you try to talk to him doesn't paint him in a good light, though. He does need to grow up a bit.

CaptainVonTrapp Wed 21-Nov-12 13:35:04

There are loads of good reasons to have a password protected computer. I can't believe people are honestly suggesting hacking his computer (no matter how suspicious). In fact not having your computer password protected is quite remiss IMO.

Locking your spouse out of a room in their own house is an entirely different matter.

Going into a room in your own house is totally reasonable. Hacking someones computer isn't, its a gross breach of trust. Unless perhaps you have clear evidence there is something illegal on it. And no matter what we suspect on this thread (and my feeling is dodgy porn) we have nothing more than suspicion.

Fairylea Wed 21-Nov-12 13:41:32

Could you just not say there was smoke coming from the room and you needed to get in there?

When you do get in there after nosing about smash up camera and create a small fire around where it was in a metal bin away from electrics and then put it out. Say the camera caught fire. dispose of camera in a public bin. Job done. Dangerous but necessary. Take a mobile with you in case fire gets out of hand and you need to dial 999.

naturalbaby Wed 21-Nov-12 14:58:24

Fairylea...umm....no. Would anyone actually start a fire in their own home?!?

AgathaF Wed 21-Nov-12 15:02:38

A bit risky Fairy?

Fairylea Wed 21-Nov-12 15:08:01

Yes maybe. But only a tiny bit. Paper in a metal bin and then smudge the black soot over the wall etc.

Hell I live dangerously.

LilllyLovesLife Wed 21-Nov-12 15:09:05

Yes I get you want to not rush into it but if you just talk to him then he is going to hide everything and you will never know what he has done. Does that not bother you? I couldn't live with my husband knowing he may have done something awful, and for the rest of my life just shrug it off because you will never know. How are you going to feel if you talk and at best he will say he will get you a key, and off course, by the time you get said key, he will of got rid of anything he didn't want you to see. And find some other way of doing whatever it is, somewhere else where you have no control over. How is this going to help? PLEASE do explain this to me as I can't get my head around why anybody would want to do that? My priority would be finding out once and for all and then making a decision from there.

tisnottheseasonyet Wed 21-Nov-12 15:14:08

If OP did that fairy, her husband should be requesting divorce on grounds of unreasonable

BlissfullyIgnorant Wed 21-Nov-12 15:39:03

Not sure if anyone suggested;
Tell him you don't want to be married to him any more as he's clearly up to no good...etc,
Call Crimestoppers and report suspicious activity at your own address (you'd have to do this anonymously). You'd need to work out what suspicious activity but with all you're living with, you could just say 'I know the couple and the wife told me that he's locked his computer in there, refuses anyone, even family, access so you think it might be something to do with illegal trading/terrorism/child porn. Sinister, yes. Deceitful, yes. It's up to you though.

Or just tell him to pack his bags and sod off until he decides to grow up and stop being such a prick. In that situation, I'd do my nut. I lived with a muso years ago and he kept all his love letters from his shags EVERY time he did a gig. There was no Internet back then!

cloutiedumpling Wed 21-Nov-12 15:52:53

Aurora - good luck in getting this sorted. As you have said, it is your problem and something for you to deal with in your own time.

loopylou6 Wed 21-Nov-12 16:05:18

Wow, i hope you get to the bottom of this, its all very strange.

LessMissAbs Wed 21-Nov-12 17:05:10

OneMoreChap don't lecture me. I am perfectly capable of selecting the parts of your post I wish to quote, and ignoring the rest because its not worth commenting on

Scheherezade Wed 21-Nov-12 18:01:11

Probably already been suggested but I suggest a crack team of MN cat burglars in the dead of night ;)

dumbo1 Wed 21-Nov-12 18:09:35

Hi op

I have just read the thread and spoke to dh
He said he would cut the electrics so the camera does not work and then unscrew the hinges of the door and have a good look around
You could boot the computer outside the room

Then he would put everything back

He thought it was very suspicious

I hope it all turns out ok for you

salemsparklys Wed 21-Nov-12 18:14:20

If my DH locked me out a room, refused to let me in and wouldnt give me a key, I would be making arrangments for him to not be my DH for much longer, he clearly doesn't trust you and that would be a big issue for me.

Fairylea Wed 21-Nov-12 18:42:21

I'm quite surprised how many people seem to think it's normal to have a password protected computer in your own house with a password your other half doesn't know about... its all so secretive to me. Dh and I are really transparent with each other.. we know each others log ins for everything. Not because it's everbeen agreed or anything but we are always using each others stuffand would never think to hide anything.

This whole thread has boggled my brain... this is part of your house!! Of course you should have access to it!

My ex dh was always very secretive about his phone and laptop which were both protected with passwords I didn't know. He left me for an ex of his that he had left a long time before I came along and they had found each other on facebook. Lovely.

If you have a really good relationship there is no need for privacy beyond the norms of bodily functions such as having a poo!

Fairylea DH had a password protected computer I didn't have the password to for ages. Not because he didn't want me too, just didn't ever use his. The issue isn't knowing the password or not or having the key or not, it is his refusal and subsequent anger and frustration. Very, very suspect.

PessaryPam Wed 21-Nov-12 19:09:34

dumbo1 your DH is a smart cookie.

OneMoreChap Wed 21-Nov-12 19:10:12

OneMoreChap don't lecture me.


I am perfectly capable of selecting the parts of your post I wish to quote, and ignoring the rest yes, either because you want to mislead, or because you haven't really read it; or at least understood it.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Wed 21-Nov-12 19:16:12

People lead all sorts of secret lives... For example this woman had lots of human remains hidden in her flat, that she used to make love with. She claims to only feel complete when with a dead person.

Not that I think your dh is doing that, but it is very suspicious that you have absolutely no access.

Dh has his own study, he never locks the door. What for? I dont snoop, he doesnt snoop, we have no reason to snoop or lock doors, we have nothing to hide.

Ooh I like the crime stoppers suggestion. Devious! Might shock him into realising his behaviour is not normal too.

"Yes I get you want to not rush into it but if you just talk to him then he is going to hide everything and you will never know what he has done. Does that not bother you? I couldn't live with my husband knowing he may have done something awful, and for the rest of my life just shrug it off because you will never know. How are you going to feel if you talk and at best he will say he will get you a key, and off course, by the time you get said key, he will of got rid of anything he didn't want you to see. And find some other way of doing whatever it is, somewhere else where you have no control over. How is this going to help? PLEASE do explain this to me as I can't get my head around why anybody would want to do that? My priority would be finding out once and for all and then making a decision from there."

LillllyLovesLife - I agree completely.

It's very naiive to ask him and demand a key, he will just have chance to cover his tracks. He may be doing something really lame like flirting with an old flame on facebook or he may be doing something sinister. Either way I would want to know. Even if it's something really lame and pathetic I don't think I could continue a marriage with someone so controlling and manipulative.

CaptainVonTrapp Wed 21-Nov-12 20:29:21

Fairy If you both have your own computer then there is no need to use the other persons computer.

Computers should be password protected so they can't be used by any unintended people. Children, visiting children,(for their protection) cleaner, workmen (for your own protection) are just a few examples. If we're talking about a work computer it may contain sensitive data which should be secured.

I have no issue with a password protected computer. A locked door on the other hand...

AmberLeaf Wed 21-Nov-12 20:34:49

He's wanking on Chatroulette.

flow4 Wed 21-Nov-12 20:47:28

Oh for goodness sake.

Aurora, I am glad you are so level-headed. Your plan sounds sensible. Follow your instincts. You will have a much better idea than any of us about whether your husband is just being a bit of a prat, or some kind of a criminal mastermind. hmm In between these two extremes are a lot of other possible explanations, most of them pretty innocent.

Good luck smile

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 21-Nov-12 21:10:13

Password protected computer password known only by owner of computer = perfectly normal acceptable.

Password protected computer in locked room no other entry allowed = weird behaviour.

chubbychipmonk Wed 21-Nov-12 21:15:52

Zzzzzz. . . 3 days & 400+ replies later & we're STILL no further forward than 'talking to him' again. . .

I look forward to the next post by the OP when either the affair has been discovered in 6 months time or the police are at the door enquiring into the download of illegal images.

myroomisatip Wed 21-Nov-12 21:21:22

IMO It isnt right, it isnt normal and it isnt acceptable.

I am sure it isnt legal to lock you out of any part of your own home for a start.

I go with the point of view that you need access now. If you give your DP a chance he will clear out/away everything incriminating.

As soon as you feel able, I would demand access immediately! To everything, the room, the p.c. everything. If your DP will not comply, in your position, I would commence divorce proceedings. sad Simple as!

Your perception of your relationship with your DP is different to his perception of your relationship. And I do not think he has any respect for you, let alone love you. Sorry.

forgetmenots Wed 21-Nov-12 22:14:00

Not to mention the security cameras hmm sockreturningpixie.

It's actually not even the 'what' that's the problem -it's the 'why'.
It doesn't matter whether he is pure as the driven snow, or guilty as sin. You shouldn't be denied access to part of your own home and that should have been immediately recognised and corrected when you raised it.

Kiwiinkits Wed 21-Nov-12 23:45:17

I came on here, having watched this thread with baited breath for the last few days, to see if the OP knows anything. Seems not. VERY disappointed, this is the most mystery I've had in my life for aaaaaaages.

holstenlips Wed 21-Nov-12 23:50:44

this thread needs a The End..driving me crackers!!

AgathaF Thu 22-Nov-12 07:33:20

chubbychipmonk - "I look forward to the next post by the OP when either the affair has been discovered in 6 months time or the police are at the door enquiring into the download of illegal images. "

Really?? You look forward to that?

This is someone's life, not a tv drama. The OP has to do what feels right for her because she has to live this life.

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 07:38:28

The worry is, if the police do knock on the door, the OP will have to try and convince them that she had no access to the room and her DH routinely locked her out.

As a defence in a police interview it's not very convincing confused

LilllyLovesLife Thu 22-Nov-12 08:50:24

Exactly NotaDisneyMum, you always hear of these things where the wife claims innocence but it's quite hard to believe when it's in their own house.

GoldenAutumn Thu 22-Nov-12 09:20:10

I can hardly see the sky on this thread, there are so many vultures circling. hmm

echt Thu 22-Nov-12 09:47:08

GoldenAutumn the OP posted on AIBU, not Relationships.

Kethryveris Thu 22-Nov-12 10:36:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelaLugosisShed Thu 22-Nov-12 12:11:13

Our PC, my laptop, DH's laptop, the ipad, my kindle fire, both iphones - they are all password/code protected, but we both know the passwords to all of them, I even know the unlock code for his work phone.
If this is a real situation, He is hiding something or he is bonkers has severe issues.

DH fantasises about a study of his own that is protected by an iris scanner but that's all it is, a fantasy, he would never actually do it ( I think hmm ).

Its an odd one, If OP's partner was up to something, you would think that he would be more clever about it, open door, open computer etc. but secret files or external hard drive squirelled away / false wall panel etc. or have I seen too much CSI? grin
The second he was out of the house ( after refusing me a key) I would have been in there like Miss Marple, I don't know how OP is keeping a lid on it.

chubbychipmonk Thu 22-Nov-12 12:28:39

Agatha. . . It was sarcasm, it goes without saying that is the worst possible outcome for the OP. . however is a very real possibility of it becoming a reality if she doesn't put her mind at ease & find out once & for all exactly what is going on.

OneMoreChap Thu 22-Nov-12 13:40:26

Wow. A degree of privacy is normal. If DW had an unlock key to my work phone that would have been a dismissible offence; now, I would just never work again if one of my employers found that out.

OP knows what she wants to do, knows that DHs behaviour is odd. Up to her now

BelaLugosisShed Thu 22-Nov-12 15:42:34

Not everyone's work phones require MI5 levels of secrecy hmm
Knowing your partner's passwords is not the same as going snooping either.

I often wonder how people who seem to value secrecy in their relationship ( seperate bank accounts etc.) would go on if a spouse died or was hospitalised in such a way that made communication impossible , most things are online now and require passwords to access bank accounts and the like.
What ever happened to "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine" within a marriage?

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 22-Nov-12 21:10:10


Completely with you on that if any of my employees had there work phone not password protected or gave the password to anyone outside the company they would be sacked very quickly without exception, that also goes for iPads and laptops

They would also find it impossible to get other employment in a simerler field.

FGS, some people, including myself, have jobs like that, some don't. The OP's DH is a musician. I doubt, unless he is writing jingles for Coke or has someone's unreleased album on his laptop, that he is bound by anything like that level of expectation.

Occam's razor, everyone. If you hear hooves it is drugs or porn a horse not MI5 a zebra.

BelaLugosisShed Thu 22-Nov-12 21:28:02

Simerler? Your field presumably isn't any kind of proof reading then?

BelaLugosisShed Thu 22-Nov-12 21:30:45

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.


IneedAsockamnesty Thu 22-Nov-12 21:54:42

Bela and yours obviously requires no manors.

I personally would never have employment that required me to proof read because I have dyslexia and autism I do however employ people to do all my written work when I'm working as well as to keep me away from normal folk who may possibly be offended by my oddness

I use mums net without assistance other than a spellcheck ( that I'm certain fucks up more than me) to allow myself a bit of privacy. I'm sorry if that offends the spelling police. Feel free to correct any of my spellings in the future even ones that are already correct because I won't know the difference.

that I'm certain fucks up more than me. Never was a truer word written.

HoobleDooble Thu 22-Nov-12 23:26:10

I think I'm erring on the side of a power trip. My friend's exH would have done something like this given the opportunity and the more she asked for the key, the more he would have enjoyed having that control, and would have dug his heels in even more. But she'd let him get away with this sort of crap just to keep the peace, he's still being an arsehole know over maintenance and intact issues, he always has to try and have some kind of hold over things.

mam29 Sat 24-Nov-12 20:43:35

whats in the garage? I need to know!

beeny Sat 24-Nov-12 21:53:52

What is in garage i cant bear the suspense

midori1999 Sat 24-Nov-12 22:04:48

I'm so disappointed. I've been stalking this thread and I fear we will never find out what is in the garage. What a disappointment!!!!

beeny Sat 24-Nov-12 22:12:27

I wish i had never read it.

LilllyLovesLife Mon 26-Nov-12 09:05:06

OMG - after putting in far too much time into this thread during the week, I was dying to check back after being away for the weekend, and nothing! I hope OP has done something, or she may regret it down the line.

Jux Mon 26-Nov-12 15:58:35

Well, I don't blame op for not coming back; there was so much nonsense on this thread. Poor woman only wanted to know how normal it was to have a dh lock you out of a room, and she got pretty well everything from organised crime to paedophilia to another woman. And now people are rubber-necking and getting peeved because the op hasn't done her next episode for them. As someone said upthread, it's not bloody East Enders.

AgathaF Mon 26-Nov-12 16:50:30

Well said Jux.

quietlysuggests Mon 26-Nov-12 20:15:01

Well OP may well return. I imagine she is not in a pleasant place and is busy coping with that.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 26-Nov-12 20:21:09

Agree Jux

This scenario hasn't been invented for our amusement.

I hope we get to find out what happened (in due course), but I don't expect

flow4 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:38:55

I wouldn't come back if I were her... So many people were obviously hoping that her life was about to fall apart... Why would she expose herself to that again?

ShellyBoobs Mon 26-Nov-12 21:00:07

And now people are rubber-necking and getting peeved because the op hasn't done her next episode for them. As someone said upthread, it's not bloody East Enders.

I couldn't agree more.

tisnottheseasonyet Mon 26-Nov-12 21:04:03

Welcome to mumsnet, rubber necking is the reason most are here.

tisnottheseasonyet Mon 26-Nov-12 21:04:27

Well, that and splitting couples up.

OneWellAndTrulyCrackeredMummy Mon 26-Nov-12 21:09:02

Christ this is a long thread, apologies but I've only covered a third or so of it before giving up.

I reckon its drugs, easily hidden in a drawer. But whatever it is, of course the OP can go in & out while he's there as he still has control over how close she gets to them! Its if she goes in without him watching that 'unsafe'.

OP I would do what somebody upthread said, run him a bath & make a copy of the key while he's in the bath. Get a bar of soap & a lighter, heat key up until its warm then put it on a level surface, push soap on top of it until its flush then wipe & replace key. Later fill in the key shape with wax or plaster of paris & take it to the key copy shop.

lovebunny Mon 26-Nov-12 21:34:39

he's up to something. you need to sneak the key and find out what. but pack first. and get all your documents and evidence of his income etc.

Jux Mon 26-Nov-12 21:40:13


lovebunny Mon 26-Nov-12 21:42:17

are you joking? 21 pages? stop posting if you don't want people to comment. let it die.

Mendeleyev Mon 26-Nov-12 21:52:11

Bloody hell. Just saw this in active and thought there may be an ending. And there's not! grin

MrsjREwing Mon 26-Nov-12 23:08:42

I would wait till after Christmas to deal with this OP, it will not end well. Prepare in the mean time, paperwork at Parents, tell no one until you are ready to deal with the issue.

A locked room with camera's on it is protecting a marriage wrecking secret.

I was married to a secretive man, no point talking to them.

LilllyLovesLife Tue 27-Nov-12 09:13:59

Flow4 "So many people were obviously hoping that her life was about to fall apart... Why would she expose herself to that again?"

No, it's not that we are HOPING her life is falling apart, I personally am just hoping she isn't being a mug and ignoring this or talking to him, giving him more chance to hide it. We have pretty much all agreed there is something really dodgy going on - so why should she have to live like that? Surely it's better just to get in there, find whatever it is and start dealing with it? Instead of ignoring it or giving him warning. If she doesn't act now, how will she feel when it does all come out? Maybe when the police turn up? Or when one of her children find something out? Surely anybody would want to get this sorted asap? If it was my OH it would of been sorted the day I Thought it was dodgy. If it's something that will make her wish he wasn't around her children all this time - she is going to be feeling pretty bad if she does nothing.

flow4 Tue 27-Nov-12 11:12:00

We'll have to agree to differ, Lillly, because to my mind we haven't "pretty much all agreed there is something really dodgy going on", and I think the OP is wise to handle this situation carefully and thoughtfully.

LilllyLovesLife Tue 27-Nov-12 12:19:45

OK, so if you found out your next door neighbour was a child abuser or something (not saying he is, but he could be, and this is how they get away with it), and your children had been round their house. You wouldn't think anything of his wife saying she didn't check, despite hundreds of people saying it needs checking out? She thought she may as well just leave him to it so she can avoid an argument?

flow4 Tue 27-Nov-12 17:14:38

Oh for goodness sake. I can think of many possible explanations for the OP's husband's behaviour, and all of them are very, very much more likely than him being a child abuser and her not knowing.

To be perfectly honest, I am amazed at the conclusions people are jumping to, on the basis of just a few details...

Imagine this is your husband: you have lived with him for years, shared your lives, had children with him, made love, spent countless hours talking to him and hanging out with him, and generally have a good relationship. One day, you decide he's being a bit of an arse not giving you the key to his den, but you come on MN to see if others agree. Suddenly, a bunch of total strangers who have never met you or your husband decide he's a paedophile and advise you to break into his den and hack his computer.

Would you (a) decide that the internet strangers know your husband better than you and take immediate action to end your marriage; or (b) conclude that some sort of collective hysteria had kicked in, and go and get on with your life?

I know which I'd do.

Jux Tue 27-Nov-12 18:10:11

Agree, as ever, flow grin

echt Tue 27-Nov-12 19:04:08

"Bit of an arse"?

OP's own words: "silently fuming"; "I don't like being locked out"; "big issue"; "refusal" and "if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?"

She's made her own level of disquiet and his intransigence clear AND posted it in AIBU for the benefit of "internet strangers", so not quite sure where this rather snotty attitude of yours has its basis, flow4. The OP herself doesn't seem to be taking the advice/opinions as impertinent, so why should you?

Pictureperfect Wed 28-Nov-12 06:14:38

With hacking the computer I found an iPad app (I was on a review blog) that is to keep women out. If someone tries to crack the password it lets them think they have been successful, takes a photo of the person using it and signs them into a fake area of the phone so they can see things but all the things they aren't meant to see are hidden).

It makes me so sad such things even exist. I hope the OP does decide to do something, not for us but for herself, it can't be nice living with such secrecy

GoldenAutumn Thu 29-Nov-12 10:05:55

What Flow said.

MrsjREwing Sat 01-Dec-12 12:22:46

Did you get the garage keys OP?

Voiceofthevoiceless Sat 01-Dec-12 12:35:25

So because your husband doesn't want you snooping around his work space your going to file for divorce? oh ffs this cannot be serious!
Maybe he's got bodies in there!!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 01-Dec-12 12:36:50

OP isn't filing for divorce...where did you see that ?

Pendipidy Sat 01-Dec-12 12:58:00

I have a great idea that is perfectly plausible to use. Tell him your lap top is broken. A program won't work, or it won't save. Or take it to work, then "forget" and leave it there. That way he can't check it and you can say someone at work fixed it and bring it home again after. Then ask if you can use his computer.

How could he reasonably say no? If he says no, ask why? He can have no reason to justify it. Just before he is due to go out, ask him if you can use it. Then you have time to to look. If he still insists no, then i think you need to push that conversation further and ask why. You can tell him you find it mighty suspicious and he needs to put your mind at rest. If he chooses not to do that, then....i think you need to rethink what you are going to do with your relationship, and tell him that. Then he knows you are serious and how important it is to you that he is obviously hiding something. If he chooses to let that happen....he has obviously got something bad to hide....

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 01-Dec-12 13:27:17

What a roller coaster of opinions thread!

Pen's advice is sensible and plausible, my DH uses his phone to email etc but if he wants to read something long he jumps on MY computer and I have no issue with this because I have nothing to hide.

I hope the op has had an opportunity to talk to her DH.

WildWorld2004 Sat 01-Dec-12 13:46:34

I really hope that OP is ok. She was probably a bit overwhelmed by the some of the suggestions.

CaptainVonTrapp Sat 01-Dec-12 22:46:15

snooping around his workspace
Surely you mean - getting things she needs from a room in her house

Or do you have rooms in your house you aren't allowed to use voice?

quietlysuggests Mon 03-Dec-12 11:06:24

I do hope you let us know how things have been lately.
I always worry when I have been emotionally invested in a thread and then see anther woman killed by her husband.
I hope all is well.

BabysPointlessPocket Fri 21-Dec-12 17:05:25

Did you find out what he was hiding Op?

BelaLugosisShed Fri 21-Dec-12 17:45:31

Do you actually think this was a real OP?