AIBU for getting pissed off with DP for being so strict with DD 3.7 Not Saying please and thank you.

(43 Posts)
xJulesx Sun 18-Nov-12 21:14:11

DD does say please and thank you, but also does need reminding an awful lot,
I'm of the opionion that, It is something that she will get eventually with prompting. Every time she is given some thing or asks for something and doesn't say please or thank you, I will remind her. DP is totally the opposite from me, he will say she can't have something or take something away from her, If she doesn't say please or thank you, Cue DD getting very upset and crying, Cue me getting pissed off with him. At what age should they be saying it without being prompted to do so.

squeakytoy Sun 18-Nov-12 21:17:37

I would say she is still a bit young and just needs prompting. He sounds too strict.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Sun 18-Nov-12 21:18:57

My ds1 is 6 and doesn't always remember

He's too busy thinking about far more important things........

Viewofthehills Sun 18-Nov-12 21:20:12

Age without prompting- about 15
No matter how good they are at the age of 3 they are going to lapse at some point anyway and need reminding.
i expect labouring it too much is a bad idea- your prompting sounds like just what I used to do. Whilst my DC's need reminding on occasion, I can trust them to behave when out with others and friends' parents always tell me how polite they are, which is what you hope for really.

tunnocksteacake Sun 18-Nov-12 21:20:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emsyj Sun 18-Nov-12 21:20:43

I personally wouldn't even bother prompting a 3.7 year old to say please and thank you. They will say it by copying if you say it, as and when they're ready. DD is 2.5 and sometimes says it and sometimes doesn't. There's bigger battles to pick IMO.

I have horrible memories of being a child and being forced by my DMum to say 'thank you for having me' to friends' parents after parties/play visits. I found it excruciating and would never want DD to be made to feel like that for, essentially, no good reason at all. DMum also used to hover over me and follow me and prompt me every time she took me to a birthday party to find the birthday child and say 'Happy Birthday'. I still hate saying 'happy birthday' to this day!

Durab Sun 18-Nov-12 21:30:13

I wouldn't let her have it until she's said please/thank you, but it wouldn't be a you didn't say it so you can't have it, ever.

I did a lot of "Pardon?" at that age, or not letting go until they'd said thank you. Neither of mine need prompting now, 9yo & 11yo.

squeakytoy Sun 18-Nov-12 21:33:42

Emsyj, did it never occur to you just to say it, rather than need to have your mother prompting you every time? It sounds to me as if you refused to do it rather than forgot. Which I would find rude.

Loie159 Sun 18-Nov-12 21:34:15

Sorry OP I think they do need to be prompted. If DD or DS say I want a drink and don't say please, then I say they can have it when they ask politely. I would never punish them for not saying it ( such as you can't have it because you didn't say xyz), but if you don't remind them who will?

squeakytoy Sun 18-Nov-12 21:35:38

Loie, OP says she prompts, but her husbands is the one not even giving the child a chance to be prompted before punishing her.

CrapBag Sun 18-Nov-12 21:40:20

She should say it before she gets something, how else will she learn that saying it means she gets what she is asking for.

My DD is 21 months and she says please and thank you all the time. I also remind her on the occasion she does forget then when she says it, I pass her whatever it is she wants (usually yet another breadstick).

DS also has lovely manners too (4.10), he needs the odd reminding but a simple look or "pardon" means he knows what I am reminding him of.

They are never too young to learn manners (unless actual baby).

CrapBag Sun 18-Nov-12 21:41:35

What do you mean he takes something away?

Like if she asks for a drink without saying please, he will take a toy away? That sort of thing? That would be massively OTT. Just a "what do we say" at the end of the sentence should be sufficient.

emsyj Sun 18-Nov-12 21:41:46

"Emsyj, did it never occur to you just to say it, rather than need to have your mother prompting you every time? It sounds to me as if you refused to do it rather than forgot. Which I would find rude."

Wow, I will have to transport myself back to being around, I don't know, 4 or 5 years old and ask my childhood self... confused The whole thing made me incredibly anxious and stressed. That's what my lasting memory is.

I wouldn't find a 4 year old leaving my house without saying 'thank you for having me' (must be those exact words, just 'thank you' won't do) rude, maybe I am odd hey? I would think it would be normal for the parent to say, 'X has had a lovely time, thanks very much, see you soon!' and for child X to have had fun and to smile and wave goodbye (actually this is exactly what happens when my 4 year old neighbours comes over to play with DD) - to find a small child 'rude' for not saying 'thank you for having me' makes my brain boggle a bit I'm afraid. But each to their own.

squeakytoy Sun 18-Nov-12 21:44:11

That isnt what you said though Emsyj, your post came across as though you were like that throughout your childhood.

And to say that you still hate saying Happy Birthday to people now, that is just a bit odd to me.

SirBoobAlot Sun 18-Nov-12 21:46:47

She's a young child, he's expecting way too much from her, and taking things away is very OTT.

Nagoo Sun 18-Nov-12 21:48:42

Op can you explain how your DP does it?

The baby says 'drink drink' and I say 'please' and she says 'please' and then I give her the drink.

DS says something grunty meaning he wants something, and I refuse to give him the thing until he asks nicely.

What would your DP do in that situation?

emsyj Sun 18-Nov-12 21:49:06

I was forced to say it from my earliest memory - and it made me very anxious, which made me want to say it even less, and yes it continued although I can't remember how old I was when she stopped doing it (probably when I got old enough to just say it and get it over with). Perhaps if it hadn't been so forced on me and she hadn't got so angry and stood behind me saying, 'say thank you for having me' in front of everyone at the party then I would have done it myself much sooner and I wouldn't have had to feel so anxious so often. I think forcing me to say it was a bad idea, and perhaps you don't understand that because it hasn't been your experience - just like you don't understand that saying 'happy birthday' still makes me cringe now. That may sound odd to you, but that is how I actually feel I'm afraid. Feel free to find that/me odd!

SkinnyMarinkADink Sun 18-Nov-12 21:49:09

My dd is 2&1/2 manners are a huge huge part of building relationships with friends and people they meet away from us.

dd uses please and thank you as she should, if there is no manners she doesn't get it.

She is just learning to say 'i would like' instead of 'i want'

All children that are communicating must have a way of saying please and thank you. dd's cousin is exactly one month older than her he cannot speak yet due to speech delay however uses sign language for thank you.

iklboo Sun 18-Nov-12 21:50:54

If he ever forgets to say please / thank you you should give him a taste of his own medicine. A simple 'what do we say' type prompt is all you need when they're small.

MrsMelons Sun 18-Nov-12 21:52:15

I think as soon as a child can speak they should be encouraged to say please and thank you. Both my DCs used ta from 12/18 months then said thank you as soon as they could actually say it. They do still forget at times (6 & 4) but are generally well mannered - probably worse for me but are polite to other people.

I don't think they should be punished at any age as that seems OTT but definitely reminded. I generally pretend I haven't heard properly which is usually enough for my 4 year old. I wouldn't give him whatever he'd ask for until he had said it but wouldn't take things away.

My friends DS was a later speak and used the sign for please/thank you which is lovely.

My 7yo still needs promting, which i think is quite normal for her age. but my 4yo never needs prompting but that's her personality

bessie26 Sun 18-Nov-12 22:03:56

I think they will say it when they work out it is nice/a good idea to say it. If DD1(4) doesn't say it I might remind her, but wouldn't force it - what use is a "forced" please/thank-you? It is surely meaningless? I want her to say "thank-you" because she means it, not just because thats what she's been told you have to do IYKWIM?

I try to remember to say please/thank-you at every opportunity as I figure (hope?!) that if I model this behaviour she will copy it <crosses fingers> She did say thank-you to most of the friends who gave her birthday presents last month so I'm hoping my lazy laid-back approach is working! <crosses toes>

xJulesx Sun 18-Nov-12 22:25:52

Thanks for all your replies. Nagoo, If DD asks for something and doesn't say please, he won't give it to her or once she has been given something and doesn't say thank you , he will take it back, telling her whilst he is doing it, that she needs to say please or thank you. I have shown him this thread and I think he knows he is being unreasonable and will change his ways. Like I said DD does say please or thank you most of the time, I dont feel like it should become a huge deal for her, It will come in good time. Thanks again for the replies.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sun 18-Nov-12 22:56:15

3.7 is old enough to mostly add please or thank you to a sentence.

I tend to copy what mine say and add a please or thank you. It's very understated way and I don't expect DC to copy my version.

Alternatively I might pass the oatabix to them over the kitchen table and hold on to it whilst raising my eyebrow to get a please. I'll let go of the cereal once they say the magic word.

I am quite happy to help toddlers learn in a positive way. The only thing I struggle with is my oldest DS's friends. Some of them have no manners and I do think it is very rude.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sun 18-Nov-12 22:59:13

we also do a lot of ''pardon'' and eventually they get it right. it does turn into a bit of a joke sometimes though.

Ozziegirly Mon 19-Nov-12 03:42:51

My DS is 2.2 and uses please and thank you quite often - no big deal made, just either repeating what he's said but with the word, or a gentle reminder.

And when he says thank you (please seems to have stuck quicker) I often say "you're welcome, and thank you for your lovely manners"

We were in a shoe shop the other day and he got to choose some shoes and said "those ones please mummy" and then "thank you mummy" when I bought them, and the saleswoman commented on his manners <swell with pride> and I made sure I told him what she had said.

It's important to me because I think it makes for a likeable child which stands you in good stead throughout your life.

Also, I do ask him to say "thank you for having me" when we have been at a party - mainly because I clearly remember going to a party when I was small, saying it and (I assume) the mum telling my mum, and my mum saying how proud she was of me remembering to say it when she wasn't there.

drizzlecake Mon 19-Nov-12 04:16:20

Well, naturally, as DP, I am sure NEVER forgets his pleases, thank yous and your welcomes DD will pick it up herself without any need for prompting etc

Iteotwawki Mon 19-Nov-12 04:21:56

I don't think he's being unreasonable at all. Both my boys say please and thank you, it's basic manners. And we taught it by example and by not giving the item requested until they said "please", then not letting go of it until they said "thank you". Now they are older (4&6) I don't respond to requests unless there is a please attached.

They are regularly complimented for lovely manners and I tell them whenever they are, to reinforce it. I'm with your DP on this one.

Lavenderhoney Mon 19-Nov-12 05:14:38

Mine say please and thank you -( 5 and 3) and I am kind of with your dp on this. My dh is very firm about it- no 'give me a drink" it's "please may I have...'
No snapping ' please' just to please you. I haven't explained this very well.

They have to say thank you or I do take it back- we practised this when they were just learning to talk ie " would you like a biscuit?" yes please! Now you say please...

I think it should be natural , and I do notice my dc noticing other children who don't say please and thank you to them.

I think you have to be aware of how they talk to you, as to others they sound rude but to you it's normal and before you know it you have an older child who has bad manners.. I had a friend round who commented on my ds asking in a certain way when he was 2/3 and it pulled me upsmile

I was out once and another mum Noticed ds had his eye on her crisps. Would you like one- if you say please you can. He wouldn't so she put them away! He was a bit surprised but he always says it now!

PerryCombover Mon 19-Nov-12 05:18:50

Better that she understands the concept and means it when she says it IMO than getting into some daft password powerstruggle with a 3 yo

My cousin is 7 and needs prompting sometimes! I hate saying "what do you say..." (I bucked up and became super polite as a kid because I hated people saying that to me! for some reason) but when you do she immediately comes out with it. It's usually just when she's preoccupied- like if someone's just given her a sweet. Her brother is absolutely fine, just a year or so older.

However......I do have a friend who can be bloody annoying because he rarely says please/thank you. He says he wasn't drilled in manners because he was away at school from a young age, so that explains it. But I have another friend who went to boarding school at 7 and she doesn't have that problem. I guess it depends on individual children.......and let's face it, it's not just please/thank you that counts. It's also consideration and courtesy.

Ozzie your DS sounds adorable, I could hardly talk at two grin
you can tell him that if you like grin

I went back home for reading week and when I was out of the door to go back home my mum said...."what do you say?". I'd already said thank you and goodbye everything. "What about, "thanks for having me?"" grin

WelshMaenad Mon 19-Nov-12 08:15:41

My 2.5 year old knows he doesn't get anything unless he says please. Seems perfectly reasonable to me!

Anyone who lives abroad- when do you insist on no duzen/tutoyering? sorry, don't know the English term!

NUFC69 Mon 19-Nov-12 11:51:13

Years ago I remember the next door neighbour's 7 year old daughter coming in and staying for lunch. We asked her what she wanted; she said fish and chips (I think it was), she didn't say please. I can remember saying to her "and what else?", meaning "where's the please?". She responded with "peas!" We did laugh.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 19-Nov-12 12:05:47

I don't think he is being unreasonable. She does need to learn.

grin NUFC that's so cute

handsandknees Mon 19-Nov-12 12:15:36

I do think you have to kind of "drill" it into them so it becomes automatic. My dcs all got it consistently by around age 4 I would say. It's very annoying when children haven't been taught manners and I think you need to do it young. Please and thank you go in the same category as putting your rubbish in the bin instead of throwing it on the floor imo - you learn it when you're very young. I never give anything unless dcs ask nicely, and that includes other dcs in my house. I once had a stand-off with my then 3yo niece who was trying to prise a biscuit from my hand but refused to say thank you. She didn't get the biscuit until her mum came and gave it to her anyway.

Slumberparty Mon 19-Nov-12 13:50:15

My 2.5 year old DNiece is very polite even when being naughty - my Dsis will say "Do you want to go on the naughty step?" DNiece will respond "No thank you mummy" grin

Mama1980 Mon 19-Nov-12 13:54:16

My ds is 4 and tbh it's pretty automatic for him now. It's been kind if drilled into him, no please no get! I don't think I ever sanctioned to get him to do it it has just always been that way and he knows it iyswim? Most of his friends automatically say please and thank you now in my experience.

CailinDana Mon 19-Nov-12 14:00:25

Does he say "please" and "thank you" to your DD? I am shocked by the number of parents who don't ever show any manners to their children - they don't say please and thank you to them, they don't introduce them to new people, etc yet they expect exemplary manners back. It makes no sense. My DS started saying "please" and "thank you" of his own accord when he was about 14 months because he hears me say it to him all the time. He started coming out with it all of a sudden and I was surprised - but my MIL said "Of course he says it, you are always so polite to him, he hears you saying it all the time." It didn't even occur to me. He's now added "No thanks" to his repertoire because lately he's been offering me food a lot and I don't want it due to it being covered in toddler goo. I always refuse politely, and so he does the same for others.

Tabliope Mon 19-Nov-12 15:15:36

I think your DH is going to make her a very anxious child. Sorry to have to say it. OTT.

I used to hate having to say at grandparents "please may I leave the table". We never said it at home - it just never came up as we all left the table at the same time. It just seemed so formal and forced. Same with being told you must answer the telephone with Hello and then the telephone number. I hated that. Why couldn't I just say hello? A couple of friends get their kids to say good evening, this is xxx xxxx. It's so stiff. My DS grunts hello. Fine by me. DS was often complimented on his manners. Just copied me with the pleases and thank yous. No need to make a big thing at that age if they forget and need prompting. I'd certainly never take something back.

HollaAtMeBaby Mon 19-Nov-12 16:35:02

I think prompting once and punishing wilful refusal is the way to go.

Just a thought, but does your DP say please and thank you himself EVERY TIME? If not, be sure to point this out to him and pull him up when he doesn't... modelling Ps & Qs yourself is the best way of getting DCs to say them "automatically".

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now