Someone else buying your daughter her first bra!!!

(99 Posts)
bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 17:36:09

Am I over thinking this (I think not but...) to be incandescent with rage that my ex husbands girlfriend bought my daughter her first bra...
She went for a mid week overnight visit, as usual in her crop top - aged 11, nearly 12 and came home in her first bra that the girlfriend saw fit to buy her without any discussion with me or my daughter... She didn't even mention it to her, just took away her crop top that night and left a bra on her school uniform for her to wear the next day... I am so hurt - there are some things you only do with your mother - surely

StuntGirl Sat 17-Nov-12 17:37:37

I'd be more annoyed about the weird subtle swap she did. How bloody odd!

Doea your daughter actually need a bra?

StuntGirl Sat 17-Nov-12 17:37:48


bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 17:38:29

Not yet - nearly there but not yet and not without me!

usualsuspect3 Sat 17-Nov-12 17:39:33

I wouldn't be happy either.

What does your DD think?

usualsuspect3 Sat 17-Nov-12 17:40:06

How did she know what size to buy?

lovebunny Sat 17-Nov-12 17:40:46

i would imagine the girlfriend found having an unrestrained developing girl in the household embarrassing and didn't know how to approach it. she might have had bitter experience of her own, if she had been left without a bra when she needed one.

StuntGirl Sat 17-Nov-12 17:40:54

Well if she doesn't need one and hasn't asked then the girlfriend is just being silly. Maybe have a word with your ex about it?

ElectricMonk Sat 17-Nov-12 17:41:10

I'd find it very odd - surely it can't even fit properly, if she hasn't been measured? Was your daughter okay with the weird substitution thing, and does she want to wear a bra?

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 17:41:12

Rather embarrassed and feeling very awkward about it.
Was the wrong size too...

thebody Sat 17-Nov-12 17:42:06

If your dd had asked her to buy one and you were the type of mom who wasn't interested then that's one thing.

Here though as your dd didn't ask and she took her top away I would be very very very angry and to he honest it's a bit wierd and yeukky!!!

Why is your ex dh girlfriend even noticing your dds boobs?

Go talk to your dh and make sure this weirdo is out in her place.

It sounds like the girlfriend was trying to do something nice - bond somehow with your dd. Maybe misguided but I think it sounds like more of a misunderstanding of the situation rather than something planned to upset or make you angry.

MyLittleFireBird Sat 17-Nov-12 17:43:03

I am so hurt - there are some things you only do with your mother - surely
My older half-sister bought me my first bra, and when it was actually time to get my first bras (plural), it was absolutely not a mother-daughter bonding session at all. I didn't want them and urgh. I would probably be a bit annoyed and irritated if I were you, but surely there will be many far more significant moments than this.

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 17:43:22

Def not unrestrained and developing , we are talking Keira Knightley not Dolly Parton...

usualsuspect3 Sat 17-Nov-12 17:44:04

I would just bin it and let her continue with her crop tops.Have a word with your ex if you are on civil terms.

I think the OP would notice if her DD needed or wanted a bra. Lovebunny

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 17:45:28

Yes,mother, sister, etc, but not fathers girlfriend

StuntGirl Sat 17-Nov-12 17:46:59

To be honest OP - I get you want to be the first to buy her one but I honestly couldn't give a rat's ass about that aspect. It isn't some sacred right. But I get that its important to you.

But I would be incandescant about her putting your daughter in an awkward and uncomfortable position. I would be annoyed about her assuming what your daughter wants/needs without actually speaking to her. I would be annoyed about her trying to make your daughter wear an ill-fitting bra. And I would be very, very bloody annoyed about her removing the crop top, and therefore your daughter's choice into her own underwear.

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 17:47:19

Yes, binned it, back in her crop top and will see what she comes home with on Monday after the weekend there - ear piercing??

StuntGirl Sat 17-Nov-12 17:48:28

What did your daughter say about it OP?

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 17:49:41

Yes, it's putting her in a really awkward position where she didn't how to do the whole - 'do up round your tummy and spin it round thing that you do' - daffy thing that she is smile

thebody Sat 17-Nov-12 17:51:15

Stunt out it very well.

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 17:52:24

Her main stress was that she didn't know where her crop top had gone, and this was pink and showed through her school shirt so she had to keep her jumper on all day.

combinearvester Sat 17-Nov-12 17:52:33

Erm there is one person that people don't seem to have mentioned - your ex-H?
What was he doing in all this? Did he ask girlfriend to do it / approve the shopping trip?

Also how do we know your daughter didn't ask for her first bra and the girlfriend just gave in? She might feel uncomfortable asking you for it and more comfortable talking to someone who is less close, sees her less as a child etc.

TinyDancingHoofer Sat 17-Nov-12 17:53:13

This sounds more like a weird misunderstanding unless the GF has previous. Maybe your ex thought she needed one and mentioned to his GF confused. It is just a bit odd really, maybe have a chat with her or your ex?

usualsuspect3 Sat 17-Nov-12 17:53:33

Did your DD ask her to buy the bra?

Welovecouscous Sat 17-Nov-12 17:55:03

Pink is bonkers hmm

Trills Sat 17-Nov-12 17:55:34

Someone else buying it for her - not important at all.

Hiding her clothes and having a bra appear out of nowhere - weird.

StuntGirl Sat 17-Nov-12 17:57:05

Why the bollocks would she make her wear an ill fitting pink bra when she knew she had to wear it underneath her school uniform?

Actually scatch that, just whyyyy to all of it confused

What has your ex husband said about it?

lunar1 Sat 17-Nov-12 17:57:11

I would be really cross about this. I find the manner she did it in very odd. How would she like it if you crept in during the night and replaced all her things?

It's not even about it being a bra, it's disrespectful. How can your dd trust them next time she goes there? She has no privacy and her belongings get thrown awayangry

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 17:57:48

No, didn't ask - and yes pink is bonkers!

ElectricMonk Sat 17-Nov-12 17:59:30

Does your daughter have a mobile she can phone/text you on if she feels like she's being pushed into a corner like this again? If so, it probably is worth reminding her that even small things are worth contacting you about if she's uncomfortable. I wouldn't say anything directly to your exh's girlfriend about the bra, but send him a text before the next visit saying something like: "Please tell X thank you for giving DD that bra, it was kind of her to think of it. DD has told me she finds crop tops far more comfortable at the moment so she will be staying in those for now. I'll take her to get fitted at John Lewis when she decides she'd like to move on to a training bra, it's very important that it fits perfectly while she's still growing so I want to take her to a really good shop for her first one."

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 18:01:26

She doesn't like to use her mobile there as her father and gf feel that it is their time with her and get upset about it - v childish...

StuntGirl Sat 17-Nov-12 18:03:07

Your daughter sounds more mature than them!

ElectricMonk Sat 17-Nov-12 18:05:48

Your poor DD, that must feel horrible... sad Maybe encourage her to take the phone to the loo and text you if something does come up that makes her uncomfortable, otherwise she's vulnerable to being pushed into all sorts of "choices" (haircuts, ear piercings, type of sanitary protection etc) because she's embarrassed and doesn't know whether it's worth making waves about.

GreenyEyes Sat 17-Nov-12 18:07:45

Taking the crop top away was weird. And wrong.

lunar1 Sat 17-Nov-12 18:10:18

They sound controlling, is your dd happy going there?

PurplePidjin Sat 17-Nov-12 18:11:27

I think I'd be tempted to bag the bra and return it with a neatly passive aggressive "I think this must belong to X, it got mixed up with dd's clothes by accident"

Stealing her clothes is outrageous angry

MrsCantSayAnything Sat 17-Nov-12 18:12:01

Yanbu but keep in in perspective. My Mother sent me on MY OWN to buy my first bra aged 13. I was falling apart with the shame of it! Bless my Mum...she's lovely but back then she was somewhat distant and busy and I think she feels very guilty about some things in my childhood now.

I would say to DD that you want to take her shopping as now she's got a new bra you've been looking forward to helping her choose some.

My dd is only 4 and I get where your coming from op, even more so that your dd was made to feel awkward, I was most unimpressed by 'proper' bras originally and it was a big deal moving on as such for me, definatly something to be dealt with by Mum/sister/grandma whom there is a close comfortable relationship with.

Also, what on earth is the do up twist round thing? I put mine on and do it up at the back..

Remotecontrolduck Sat 17-Nov-12 18:13:59

Wow, that is weird. Giving her a bra I could maybe understand, but actually TAKING the crop top?! Completely wrong and bizarre.

I think you need to talk to her, and give her the option of not going if it's making her feel uncomfortable. Or someone needs to give the girlfriend a serious talking to about boundaries and respect.

CreamOfTomatoSoup Sat 17-Nov-12 18:15:05

I got my first bra as an xmas present. I had to open it in front of my Mum, Dad and older brother. blush

Whodyanickabollockoff Sat 17-Nov-12 18:18:46

You can post it back to her and tell her that her hospitality doesn't need to stretch that far.

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 18:19:53

Cream.. That would be embarrassing!!
V controlling in a passive aggressive fashion..
I could send it back with some big granny knickers and pretend they came from there too.. :-)

Whodyanickabollockoff Sat 17-Nov-12 18:21:36

I think aswell as sending the bra back send the girlfriend some really big pair of pants like bloomer style and say they might suit her or something like that hth

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 18:22:55

I did send my knickers by mistake once, when the girls were little - they were at the bottom of a bag I had packed for them for the weekend with hats and scarves etc - that was a little awkward..

Merrin Sat 17-Nov-12 18:37:49

At least you still get to do the first trip to be properly measured followed by tea at Woolworths John Lewis smile

PurplePidjin Sat 17-Nov-12 18:43:51

With yoghurt spilled in the gusset grin

fuzzpig Sat 17-Nov-12 18:45:59

I started thinking DSD needed a bra when she was about 10 but there is NO WAY I would've done this to her! I'm not her mother - I adore my DSCs of course but I would not step on their mother's toes like that. I know she is a lot less comfortable/open about puberty and things than I am but they are her children and it is her choice. My DSDs know they can chat to me about all that stuff if they want to, as they might to a big sister/aunt etc, but I would feel wrong taking away something that is a 'mother daughter thing'.

Taking her crop top away is horrible. It doesn't sound like an attempt at bonding TBH!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Sat 17-Nov-12 18:47:52

Ahhh well if it doesn't even fit (because the silly woman didn't think to take the person "needing" the bra with her to try them on!) Just bin/forget about it and continue on letting your DD wear crop tops until the day you both decide to go bra shopping for DD.

FWIW I dont know hoe I'd feel if someone else got my DD her first bra (she's only little so not at that stage yet!) but if my stepmum had done so I'd have been very unimpressed.

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 18:48:45

Aww fuzzoig - please can I have you as his girlfriend instead...
Purplepidjin- heehee
Thank you - all making me feel less -outraged-of-sussex!

How do you know it wasn't your XH if nothing was mentioned? Just wondering why all the assumptions it must be the GF?

I think my aunt bought me my first bra. My parents were separated and my dad would usually just dump me at my grandparents because he's a feckless arsehole. My aunt and big cousin took me to M&S for a fitting and bought me two bras. It never occurred to me until now that this probably pissed my mum off. In fact, that was probably the intention.

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 18:52:50

Pretty sure this is the intention here - didn't work - much....

I think the thing to do is to rise above it, really.

I can't imagine buying someone else a bra. I have to try them on before I buy them as the sizing is always idiosyncratic, so I'd assume everyone else would want to do the same.

Narked Sat 17-Nov-12 19:05:12

Your poor DD. That's just bloody weird. Taking her crop top and leaving a completely unsolicited ,random pink bra??? She must have felt so uncomfortable, both literally and figuratively.

picturesinthefirelight Sat 17-Nov-12 19:13:34

I won't with my best friend to buy my first bra. However I did get measured in a shop.

Very Wierd buying one without knowing her size - & pink!!!!!!

LemonBreeland Sat 17-Nov-12 19:17:21

It is very wierd to take away a childs clothes they are comfortable in a put something else in it's place without discussion. Clearly your dd does not feel comfortable enough to ask her dad or gf where the crop top had gone.

pigletmania Sat 17-Nov-12 20:05:56

YANBU at all. She had no right doing that. If she had concerns she should ave spoken to dp about it and then he would have spoken to you. Ditch the bra and tell yor ex that she is not to buy any bra and tht you are very unhappy about it. That is overstepping the mark

NatashaGurdin Sat 17-Nov-12 20:07:31


The do up, twist round action is I think often used by left handers as it can be quite difficult to do up a bra at the back if you favour your left hand, I am basing this on a small sample though! I do it this way and I have seen my DSIL do it this way as well and we are both left handed. smile

lovebunny Sat 17-Nov-12 20:10:52

just a thought - is this your daughter's way of telling you she needs bras? could she have got one and used the gf as a cover story?

fuzzpig Sat 17-Nov-12 20:14:30

Haha sorry OP am quite content with just the one husband, ta grin

I only just noticed the bit about not wanting her to ruin their time by contacting you. Fucking hell.

Uppermid Sat 17-Nov-12 20:15:32

So this might be a stupid question but at what point should you be looking at getting first bra? Dd1 has small bumps (noooooooo I want her to remain my baby!!) I'm sure not enough yet, but when?!

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 17-Nov-12 20:23:40

That would make me cross as well, it's weird the way it was done, just taking her other underwear!

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 20:25:27

Just responding to op.

That's a bit weird.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 17-Nov-12 20:26:49

Uppermid, when she asks or if she needs support.

If your weirded out by it look on amazon for something like a ahh bra they do packs of 3 loads of different colours they are supportive but not firm support,they look like vests.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 20:27:17

It kind of says, I've noticed your teenage knockers and I'm going to do something about them. I mean it just says - I've noticed your breasts. It's odd.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 17-Nov-12 20:29:19

That should work and was the sort of thing I ment,they also do blue pink red all sorts of colours

ccarpenton Sat 17-Nov-12 20:30:35

I you and your ex are not on speaking terms, then there may be more to this story.

If the flow of information between you and your ex is okay, then the new girlfriend has done something very wrong here.

However - to be on the safe side - this may be an opportunity to find out how your daughter feels about the whole bra thing. Maybe you're about to find out that she feels more comfortable speaking to the new girlfriend about these matters and you need to work on your dialogue approach with your daughter.

If you already have a great and open relationship with your daughter, then please refer back to paragraph 2 of my message. ;)

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 20:48:33

Paragraph 2 works - my dd is very frank and upfront about life. Sadly not a new gf, been around for 4 years - just doesn't like me much...
Fuzzoig - I know, wtf!
Not weirded out about her needing a bra, when she needs it.. I'm pretty well endowed - bruises on my knees these days so v happy to bra her up when she needs it -

Enfyshedd Sat 17-Nov-12 21:17:59

I asked my DM if I could have a bra when I started comp - I didn't like my crop tops (the lacy trim itched) and I didn't want to be wearing vests in the changing rooms for PE. First bra was a 28AA..., now 38FF blush

It's totally not on sneaking into your DD's room and taking her stuff (while she was sleeping?) I like the idea of sending back the bra with a note saying it must have been mixed up with your DD's stuff by accident. Meanwhile, maybe ask your DD if she would like to go for a bra fitting.

HoolioHallio Sat 17-Nov-12 21:23:22

Totally odd. Your poor DD. Does this woman have children of her own?

RoadrunnerMeepMeep Sat 17-Nov-12 21:43:28

I agree that this sounds a bit odd, especially her throwing the old crop top away. However I sort of found myself in a situation with dsd who was 12 at the time. She moved in with us suddenly and contact with her mother was reduced to 1 day a month. She only had 2 crop top type bras with her which she had had for over a year (and quite clearly needed some better support iyswim) I had asked dh (her father) if he would ask her nan to take her bra shopping as I felt at the time mine and dsd's relationship was not comfortable enough and could have embarrassing for her. Unfortunately mil became ill so could not take her be shopping so in the end I bought her a selection of different bra sizes and types and gave them to her to try.

I don't really see why your ex's girlfriend would do something like that when your dd clearly has a mother looking out for her growing up needs. The only reason I did what I did was because dsd had no one else to do it. Well I guess dh could have but think she would have found bra shopping with her dad really really embarrassing!

MammaTJ Sat 17-Nov-12 21:44:02

As a step mum (a while ago), I would not have dared to go and buy the first bra!! I left that to her mum and she took her sister too and they bought one and shoplifted one. hmm

TBF, she has not bought your DD her first bra, it did not fit, it was not suitable!! Do not worry about it!! xx

Bit odd I think

I remember shopping in asda with dsd and her asking for some crop tops, I had been thinking she was getting to the point of needing some. Made dp talk to her mum first though to check it was ok

socharlotte Sat 17-Nov-12 22:04:43

There is something fishy here.I don't think your DD is being completely straight with you
My DD is in Y7 and all the girls wear bras.i am wondering if your DD has been feeling embarassed about not having one and talked to your Exs GF about this.I mean how would she know what size to get if your DD hadn't co-operated and why would she have taken her crop top away.What would she have done with it?

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 22:15:28

My dd is in year 7 and her class don't all wear bras - and that's the point - it didn't fit...
I don't have a problem with her wearing one -if she needs it!

DeWe Sat 17-Nov-12 22:24:29

My dd's in year 7 and she wears a crop top. She'd be really upset if someone (even me) decided she was to wear a bra and didn't consult her.

She'd probably have chosen to go without anything rather than wear a bra she didn't like.

SuePurblybiltbyElves Sat 17-Nov-12 22:28:44

Did I miss a post - apologies if this is completely obvious. But how do you know it wasn't the XP, if nothing was said? Could it have been him, and he was too embarrassed to say anything?
Taking away the crop top is batshit either way.

Anonymumous Sat 17-Nov-12 22:35:01

I was too embarrassed to ask my Mum for a bra, so had to resort to hinting quite heavily. When she finally twigged what I was on about she took me... upstairs and gave me one of her old ones. hmm It didn't fit, it was greying and saggy and ancient. Grrr... I am jealous of all you people who got nice new bras bought for them as teenagers, including OP's daughter!

And I bet your Mums didn't look at you blankly when you asked her what a period was either. angry

whizmum Sat 17-Nov-12 22:52:57

I hinted heavily at my mum, being embarrassed.

M&S did not do vests my size, so she bought me a pointelle vest off the market sad

whizmum Sat 17-Nov-12 22:53:56

If the link doesn't work, it is a granny vest.

my first bra was 34C when I was 16 - it didn't fit as I am 32D.

whizmum Sat 17-Nov-12 22:54:54

PS - she only bought that because I used to nick hers for PE

apostropheuse Sat 17-Nov-12 23:04:14

My mum didn't notice when I needed a bra. All the other girls in my class were wearing bras and I was still wearing a vest. It was a conversation I had with my granny that led to her telling my mum that I needed one.

So perhaps it was done with good intentions. Maybe they didn't want to embarrass her, hence the strange switching over of underwear.

Just trying to give the benefit of the doubt - but of course I could be completely wrong!

Marrow Sat 17-Nov-12 23:07:08

My Granddad gave me my first bra for a Christmas present when I was 11! blush I was absolutely mortified when I opened it up in front of everyone. He then made it even worse by telling people that he had had to ask for the smallest size they do in Marks!

Greensleeves Sat 17-Nov-12 23:40:57

I would feel sad about this too, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your little girl and buying her fist bra would be something special. But as someone else has said, it still can be - this clumsy attempt by your ex's girlfriend hasn't worked as the bra is inappropriate and your daughter doesn't want to wear it.

fwiw I wish I had had a mum like you who wanted to share things like this with me. When I asked for my first bra she made me pull up my t shirt (in front of her friend and my stepdad and sister) and prodded me, laughing at me and saying "oooh yes, you have got little bumps, but there's nothing there to put in a bra", the cow

Your dd will have lots of lovely memories of mum being there for her. Nobody is going to take that away.

sashh Sun 18-Nov-12 07:10:38

So let me get this right.

DD woke up in the morning, her crop top had disapeared and there was a bra instead.

Didn't she say anything? Hunt for her top? If she doesn't have anything 'up there' why did she need to wear it, couldn't she take it off at school? (sorry I was in a B cup by the time I started secondary so no idea what others wore / wear).

Didn't she say anything to her dad?

fuzzpig Sun 18-Nov-12 07:42:33

She was probably too embarrassed, I would've thought.

CindySherman Sun 18-Nov-12 08:00:46

So what did your ex say about it? He may have asked her to get it.

AmandaCooper Sun 18-Nov-12 08:21:43

I don't think you can go by breast size/development when it comes to whether an eleven your old girl "needs" a bra - surely all that matters is what her peers are wearing and what she wants to wear. You can buy bras that will fit even the flattest of chests.

musicalendorphins Sun 18-Nov-12 08:55:22

From Boundries of The Step Mother
"Discipline them, help them with homework, pick out their clothes, take them where you want and even put them in a class when it is your time but when it comes to things like cutting their hair, piercing their ears, putting feathers in their hair or buying a first bra leave that up to the bio mom or at the very least ask before doing"
Could you send the bra back with a note along the line of that article?

AmandaCooper Sun 18-Nov-12 09:05:56

Putting feathers in their hair?

AmandaCooper Sun 18-Nov-12 09:08:25

Oh ok I just read the link smile

lljkk Sun 18-Nov-12 09:31:13

I must be weird, it totally wouldn't bother me. Only thing I'd feel hmm about was the crop top being taken away. Can't believe anyone makes first bra into something sacred.

Do you all remember when or how you got your first bra? I have No Memory of the Occasion whatsoever.

AmandaCooper Sun 18-Nov-12 10:02:00

I think my mum must have given me one of hers, we certainly didn't have a big shopping trip. It was a non event, but then my mum didn't have to contend with some wannabe-the-hip-young-stepmum encroaching on her patch!

fuzzpig Sun 18-Nov-12 10:46:07

Yes I remember getting my first bra. For me it was really exciting, kind of a rite of passage, and a rare opportunity for bonding with my mum who was very open about that sort of thing smile

Obviously doesn't mean all other mums or daughters feel the same, but it is special to some people.

I think it's easier to get preteen/small and cheap bras now than it was when I got mine (late 90s), I went for a fitting in Debenhams I think, now you can just nip into primark and get a simple bra off the shelf, so it might not be such a big deal.

My MIL did this last year. She bought DD1 a pack of 2 bras for Christmas, she was only just 10, and really didn't need them yet. They were bright pink and purple, and PADDED. DD was over the moon, me not quite so much. I didn't say anything to MIL, but compromised with DD by measuring her, and taking her shopping for some white, non-padded ones. She was just as happy with these.


IneedAsockamnesty Sun 18-Nov-12 12:55:06

My mum took me to a shop to get measured and let me pick 4 her only rule was they had to fit and at least 2 had to be suitable for under a white blouse.

Then we went to a cafe for a hot chocolate.

My dad would have been told to naff of if he had of tried to be involved with that sort of thing.b

fuzzpig Sun 18-Nov-12 16:25:23

Moomin I was shock at first when I saw all the preteen padded bras, they weren't available when I was developing. However I have since read several times on here that they can be more comfy and also better as they hide any cold-induced pointiness, IYSWIM! So I think they are more of a comfort thing than a making-boobs-look-bigger thing.

fuzz, I can understand that, but these definitely gave her the illusion of having boobs when she didn't yet have any! She also wanted to wear them to school, and the colours showed right through her white school shirts. Totally unsuitable.

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