Mumsnet Talk

Split up with my bf 5 years ago and we got back together two months ago (through fb).

Since we split up he has gone travelling every winter to Thailand and Cambodia. I've seen photos on his fb with plenty of local girls there draped over him, one even feeding him grapes! I've read you can pay these women to stay with you for weeks or even marry you if you give them money.

Also, he told me when he goes there (he usually stays 2 or 3 months) he smokes crystal meth. I read up about it as I was worried about him smoking that stuff and it said it makes you very horny that you will shag anything as you are out of your mind on drugs.

AIBU to ask him to have an HIV test before we sleep together again? We haven't had sex yet because he won't wear a condom. He keeps refusing to go for STI checks. I can't help thinking he is hiding something? He has also refused to tell me about the girls in the photos.

He is going back there in December for two months (he booked it ages ago), should I trust him to stay faithful?

Thanks Jem

Seriously?

Yes to test

No to trust

Clearly

... No. Just... No.

RUN, RUN for the hills & keep running!

WTF are you thinking, seriously get a grip and ditch this fucking waste if space.

Omg where to start
He goes on holidays to Thailand and has sex with prostitutes
He smokes crystal meth
He refuses to use a condom or get an Sti test
What on earth are you doing with this 'prize'?
If you insist on sleeping with him then be wise and use a condom. I'm 99% sure he won't be faithful on his little 'trips' and even if he was, his attitude stinks. My real advice though is bin the twat.

YANBU to be concerned re the risk of STI, with any partner who refuses to wear a condom, regardless of anything else.

I'm going to hazard a guess and suggest you can do better than this individual.

Forget the possible sti's or return visit

Do you want to be with a druggie who uses prostitutes? Please don't convince yourself that these women are anything but poor desperate women who are (more than likely) forced into prostituting themselves.

Really, you want to be with him?

eeeeooooow.

What thumper says. and what fermezlabouche says.

Are you sure he uses prostitues? Could he just have sex with local girls who are wanting to have sex with him?

As for the STI tests absolutely you both should have them done before you have unprotected sex.

Bahahahahaha

Please don't do it.

Run for the hills and find your self a man who is not a total fucking cock more worthy of you.

Why the FUCK would you want to get involved with someone who smokes crystal meth and 'shags anything'??!!

Do you need your head read or something? This doesn't so much set out red flags as a fucking nuclear war siren.

Are you that desperate to be with a man that you can't walk away from this? Do you have low self esteem?

He hasn't even cancelled his upcoming shagathon in Thailand despite apparently being your 'boyfriend'. WTactualF?!

With a bit of luck his dick will turn green and fall off saving you or anybody else the risk of his irresponsible behaviour.

Must say, sounds like right catch (!)

YANBU to insist on a STI test. I have been asked to do this on the past and haven't minded AT ALL.
However, If he is shagging around as much as you suspect he is, you need a condom as well.
Also: he sounds like a twat.

Yuck.

Get some self respect.

That's disgusting, sorry but crystal meth, payIng (presumably) for sex, no std check, no condoms (I presume the same applies with all the other women). Run FAST!

Do you know what crystal meth is?! What the actual fuck. It's a scummy drug. You'll think so when his teeth start falling out.

And why on earth would you want to be with him if you think he's shaggin elsewhere?

Get some self esteem OP and fuck him off. He obviously has no respect for you

YABU. The question should AIBU to avoid this bloke for the rest of my life?!!!

Do remember that even if he has an HIV test after his trip away it wont mean he is clear from HIV I think you need 6 months to a year to have a 99% clear result, the virus can not show up in big enough levels to show up before then. So even if he does have a test make sure you still use condoms for a year and then retest.

He sounds like a wonderful, wholesome man.

Just the type you'd want to show off to your parents and friends...

Run like fuck.

YANBU to insist he gets tested.

I'm not entirely sure you're being reasonable in wanting to be with this bloke though tbh.

My first ever mejoke ekojem

An interesting first post .

What on earth do you see in him, if you know he behaves like this? Are you so desperate for a man that you would choose to get back with him? There are plenty of decent men out there who you should choose.

Get rid of him.

The problem I have is that I never stopped loving him, it was him that dumped me those 5 years ago to go travelling with his brother to India. My heart says yes, but my head says no.

Why have you said that about name? I used to be EcoJem on other forums but prefer the K.

I've been reading the site for ages, just wanted some advice a I probably need what you are telling me tbh.

YABU to sleep with him at all. Ick.

OP, he is a danger to your health, both mentally and physically.

He sounds absolutely horrendous. Can't you see that?

Listen to your head; see a counsellor if necessary. If you can't see that this is the last man you should be with, you really need help.

If you think he is going to Thailand regularly to buy women then forget the HIV test - do you really want to go out with a man like that?

Welcome indeed ekojem and well done on finding AIBU for such a personal matter. Relationship or Health might have been better. Anyway - like someone else said, interesting first post! So this boyfriend of yours - does he smoke crystal meth over here too? Only I believe it's quite addictive - not the sort of thing one smokes socially when the vicar drops by for a spot of Earl Grey and a scone.

The problem I have is that I never stopped loving him

What do you love about a man that dumps you to go shagging travelling, becomes a drug addict and thinks nothing of using vulnerable women for his own jollies.

with all due respect, you need to get over him and move on. He didn't treat you well the first time, perhaps some counselling for your self esteem?

Still

oh and the abusing of vulnerable women isn't something he does only in Thailand.

He will do it here. He is doing it to you.

Do you have children? I'm just

No he says he doesn't do drugs over here, but, he does drink quite a lot.

The thing is, I have lent him some money, so if I dump him now I won't get it back.

So confused.

He sounds like a total sleazebag. Really, really vile. Seriously, why are you with him?

What is there to be confused about? This bloke is a twat and he is not going to be any good for you

Oh god, you're staying with him because he owes you money? How much?

He owes you money?
Then take him to small claims court, keep your knickers on and run for the hills!

How much money?

Run like hell away from him>>>>>>>

It really didn't take long for the 'a' word to be used............some MN's just love using the word abuse!!!

The OP is NOT serious..,.,.....or if she/he is then she/he needs serious counselling !!!

You could think of it as a small price to pay to get rid of this twat.

You know you need to get rid and move on.

Him owing you money is hardly a good reason to get back together.

Your heart might be saying yes, but in this case your heart is being an utter dick. Always listen to your head. Especially when it comes to meth-smoking, prostitute-shagging, test-avoiding men.

I'm just waiting the next drip - it'd better be a good one!

There's something in the water today........

You need to view that money as fees for the life lesson in "How to spot and then avoid getting infected/impregnated by a total cockwad" and write it off. Trust me, it's worth every penny.

Thanks for all the advice, appreciate it. Will take your comments on board, although I thought some of them were a bit harsh.

Thanks for all the advice, appreciate it. Will take your comments on board, although I thought some of them were a bit harsh.

If he has been smoking crystal meth, he could also have contracted all sorts from the pipe. Burning ones lips on those things means that people exchange bodily fluids just like injecting.

If you lent him money, treat it as a hard lesson. LTB.

Which comments did you think we're harsh?

Were (not we're)

He sounds a right catch sex tourist and junkie he is a keeper

Please please please listen to the advice here, ekojem. Harsh is wasting years of your life being used by a penniless, crystal meth addict, layabout, sex tourist.

Harsh? About a man who has taken money from you, shags other women, is planning on shagging other women again AND takes crystal meth?

What else do you want people to say?

Yes, run.

I have worked (with the UN) in Thailand and worked extensively with commercial sex workers there, and no, they are mostly not doing it because they like having some guy off his head shagging them (or 20 sleazy guys off their heads shagging-- them ) they are doing it because they are poor, because they have been kidnapped and sold into sex slavery or have been tricked into thinking they were going into a decent job in Bangkok and found out they had been sold and had to 'repay their debt' or whatever. And while Thailand is better than alot of countries when it comes to being HIV aware- the fact is, that for slightly more money you can purchase sex without condoms. Again because these women are vulnerable and desperate.... and perhaps because they have an amount they have to earn for their pimp each day before they are allowed to eat or go home.

Is this the man you really want to be with? Someone who exploits that?

Seriously- run. Take the money he owes you as a useful lesson but bloody run.

Wow. I envy you OP. Such naive outlook. Such a problem free life, you deliberately involve yourself in this. Looking for a drama high?

Well, you have found it.

Suggest you join Netmums though, as I am sure they are more likely to tell you what you want to hear. and we dont have to listen to this story as it unfolds

No he says he doesn't do drugs over here, but, he does drink quite a lot.

He is lying. Crystal meth isn't something you can take or leave. It highly addictive. Which you would know having researched it.

The thing is, I have lent him some money, so if I dump him now I won't get it back.

So are you with him because you love him or he owes you money?

LTB

My first LTB.

Really, why would anyone ever think this might be good idea. Would LTB and then try and work out why you would have feelings for someone like this.
Is he incredibly handsome or something?

If you read your own OP about someone else, wouldn't you be telling them to run?

If you won't cut your losses, please don't have sex with him. He could have contracted all manner of nasties whilst out there. I'm not surprised he's wary of being tested. I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole covered in bleach. If you won't protect your mind or wallet, at least protect your health.

Yes, definitely.

Get him to have a full STD/HIV test. If it's all clear you can live happily every after

Couthy mentioned a nuclear war siren.

I would suggest that even if you are writing this from a post nuclear winter future and he is the only man left on earth...

You still need to run and keep running away from this arse wipe. He is a solid tosser.

I just looked at the timing. 2 months and he already owes you money?

I would never sleep with anyone who refused to wear condoms. You deserve better, move on.

Hopefully it was only adults he slept with in thailand and not children.

Ekogem please listen to what posters are saying here; he's not a good catch and could cost you a lot more than a few quid he may not pay back. Read back through your posts and imagine they were written by someone very dear to you. What would you advise her to do in that situation? Not touch that man with a bargepole?

Why does he refuse to wear a condom and why does he refuse to go and get a full sexual health screening given his risky behaviour? If he had any respect for you (and himself) he wouldn't refuse to do either.

He could have contracted all manner of nasties whilst out there. I'm not surprised he's wary of being tested.

Exactly. He's probably aware he's been involved in high risk activity and is burying his head in the sand

Cahoots even if they were adults, they would have started in the trade as children. The vast majority are children when they start. So, he has paid someone massively poorer than him for sex, who was an abused child, probably coerced into the trade.

In fact, I am going to list the deal-breakers,

Won't use condoms
Has sex with prostitutes
Has sex with people who have little to no choice in who they have sex with
Is a sex tourist
Borrows money from GFs
Won't have an SDI test
Uses hard drugs
Lies I am betting

Anything else?

I was hung up over a bloke who treated me poorly for a while when I was younger - had a bit of a thing for bad boys - then one day I woke up and realised I deserved better. Bad boys aren't cool. When I met my now dh I appreciated the nice things he did for me, being nice is very cool - I hope you have a similar epiphany moment and realise that you need someone better than this man.

Is this a wind-up by any chance? I find it hard to believe anyone with half a brain would have to ask such a question. If not then yabu to consider sleeping with this man full stop.

Oh FFS I hope this is a wind up!!!

If not then please run, you know it's bad or else you wouldn't have posted!

He sounds like a really dream!!

OP the truth hurts but please like others have said run for your life.
(a) You broke up before, what gurantee do you have that it won't happen again?

(b) He's been sleeping with other women, prostitutes or not he might have picked some bugs including HIV.

(c) A man who says NO to using condom is wreckless with his life, therefore couldn't give a toss about your life either.

Crystal Meth? Trips to Thailand?

Run. Run fast. Run far.

Enjoy the revenge of being the one to chuck him this time around. Then find someone better who deserves you. The End.

Sorry but i think this says more aout were the op is at in terms of self asteam

Someone who is not low would not evean entertain this looser

Yeah he sounds a keeper ......................

I hope this is a wind up, nobody could be that stupid naive to think he would be great boyfriend material.

Why would it be a wind loads of people date loosers my sister had a baby with a guy

Who had no job and already had 4 children one of which his brother had tried to sexually abuse and is in jail for but he still speaks to the brother and has frozen out the childs mother for calling the police

a real cath right but she wouldnt be told her self worth is really low and this is all she thinks she is worth

I hope this is a wind up, nobody could be that stupid naive to think he would be great boyfriend material

I dont think it is people put up with a lot from people, women have babies with drug adicts criminals etc etc like fishwife said her sister had a baby with a loser it happens ,

This is what Crystal Meth will do for him...

Will you still love him when he looks like a rotting corpse?

you deserve better.

if he loved you, he would take the tests openly in order to keep you safe.

I think you need to get some counselling and move on.

If you are really honestly set on a relationship with this man, then no Yanbu to ask him to get a full screening for all stds including HIV. Personally, I wouldn't want to have a relationship with anyone who thought it was ok to go on holiday to somewhere and pay for sex, but it takes all sorts.

Does his willy look like this

WARNING!!

Of course it's a wind up.
Read the OP name backwards.

Well I knew it was a wind up but how did I miss that!

<Facepalm>

Fut I just commend why do you know that link my eyes my eyes!

*vommed not commend!

Ermm- I work a lot of night shifts- light entertainment/shock value is sometimes needed

Holy Jesus, special fried rice willy disease

I do not want to know what you were googling!

Tis the male equivalent of blue waffle disease so I'm told

Ekojem - write off the money you have lent him. If he's not prepared to take an std test for you, he's not worth it.

Thanks Fut g r i m

Ah. ekojem = mejoke