For asking bf to get tested for HIV?

(96 Posts)
ekojem Sat 17-Nov-12 14:38:49

Split up with my bf 5 years ago and we got back together two months ago (through fb).

Since we split up he has gone travelling every winter to Thailand and Cambodia. I've seen photos on his fb with plenty of local girls there draped over him, one even feeding him grapes! I've read you can pay these women to stay with you for weeks or even marry you if you give them money.

Also, he told me when he goes there (he usually stays 2 or 3 months) he smokes crystal meth. I read up about it as I was worried about him smoking that stuff and it said it makes you very horny that you will shag anything as you are out of your mind on drugs.

AIBU to ask him to have an HIV test before we sleep together again? We haven't had sex yet because he won't wear a condom. He keeps refusing to go for STI checks. I can't help thinking he is hiding something? He has also refused to tell me about the girls in the photos.

He is going back there in December for two months (he booked it ages ago), should I trust him to stay faithful?

Thanks Jem

WorraLiberty Sat 17-Nov-12 14:40:42


onetiredmummy Sat 17-Nov-12 14:41:37

Yes to test

No to trust


... No. Just... No.

FannyFifer Sat 17-Nov-12 14:42:40

RUN, RUN for the hills & keep running!

WTF are you thinking, seriously get a grip and ditch this fucking waste if space.

ErikNorseman Sat 17-Nov-12 14:43:00

Omg where to start
He goes on holidays to Thailand and has sex with prostitutes
He smokes crystal meth
He refuses to use a condom or get an Sti test
What on earth are you doing with this 'prize'?
If you insist on sleeping with him then be wise and use a condom. I'm 99% sure he won't be faithful on his little 'trips' and even if he was, his attitude stinks. My real advice though is bin the twat.

thumper1806 Sat 17-Nov-12 14:43:44

YANBU to be concerned re the risk of STI, with any partner who refuses to wear a condom, regardless of anything else.

FermezLaBouche Sat 17-Nov-12 14:44:00

I'm going to hazard a guess and suggest you can do better than this individual.

NoraGainesborough Sat 17-Nov-12 14:45:36

Forget the possible sti's or return visit

Do you want to be with a druggie who uses prostitutes? Please don't convince yourself that these women are anything but poor desperate women who are (more than likely) forced into prostituting themselves.

Really, you want to be with him?

B1ueberryS0rbet Sat 17-Nov-12 14:45:46


What thumper says. and what fermezlabouche says.

honeytea Sat 17-Nov-12 14:48:26

Are you sure he uses prostitues? Could he just have sex with local girls who are wanting to have sex with him?

As for the STI tests absolutely you both should have them done before you have unprotected sex.

Tweasels Sat 17-Nov-12 14:48:29


GobblersSparklyExplodingKnob Sat 17-Nov-12 14:49:47


Please don't do it.

Run for the hills and find your self a man who is not a total fucking cock more worthy of you.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sat 17-Nov-12 14:50:53

Why the FUCK would you want to get involved with someone who smokes crystal meth and 'shags anything'??!!

Do you need your head read or something? This doesn't so much set out red flags as a fucking nuclear war siren.

Are you that desperate to be with a man that you can't walk away from this? Do you have low self esteem?

He hasn't even cancelled his upcoming shagathon in Thailand despite apparently being your 'boyfriend'. WTactualF?!

Signet2012 Sat 17-Nov-12 14:50:55

With a bit of luck his dick will turn green and fall off saving you or anybody else the risk of his irresponsible behaviour.

Must say, sounds like right catch (!)

dashoflime Sat 17-Nov-12 14:51:30

YANBU to insist on a STI test. I have been asked to do this on the past and haven't minded AT ALL.
However, If he is shagging around as much as you suspect he is, you need a condom as well.
Also: he sounds like a twat.

ENormaSnob Sat 17-Nov-12 14:52:00


Get some self respect.

Juustanothermnetter Sat 17-Nov-12 14:53:27

That's disgusting, sorry but crystal meth, payIng (presumably) for sex, no std check, no condoms (I presume the same applies with all the other women). Run FAST!

GhostShip Sat 17-Nov-12 14:54:43

Do you know what crystal meth is?! What the actual fuck. It's a scummy drug. You'll think so when his teeth start falling out.

And why on earth would you want to be with him if you think he's shaggin elsewhere?

Get some self esteem OP and fuck him off. He obviously has no respect for you

stargirl1701 Sat 17-Nov-12 14:55:18

YABU. The question should AIBU to avoid this bloke for the rest of my life?!!!

honeytea Sat 17-Nov-12 14:55:28

Do remember that even if he has an HIV test after his trip away it wont mean he is clear from HIV I think you need 6 months to a year to have a 99% clear result, the virus can not show up in big enough levels to show up before then. So even if he does have a test make sure you still use condoms for a year and then retest.

WorraLiberty Sat 17-Nov-12 14:56:52

He sounds like a wonderful, wholesome man.

Just the type you'd want to show off to your parents and friends...

Whocansay Sat 17-Nov-12 14:58:23

Run like fuck.

DumSpiroSpero Sat 17-Nov-12 14:59:00

YANBU to insist he gets tested.

I'm not entirely sure you're being reasonable in wanting to be with this bloke though tbh.

GilbGeekette Sat 17-Nov-12 14:59:11

My first ever biscuit mejoke ekojem

BIWI Sat 17-Nov-12 14:59:26

An interesting first post hmm.

What on earth do you see in him, if you know he behaves like this? Are you so desperate for a man that you would choose to get back with him? There are plenty of decent men out there who you should choose.

Get rid of him.

ekojem Sat 17-Nov-12 15:05:10

The problem I have is that I never stopped loving him, it was him that dumped me those 5 years ago to go travelling with his brother to India. My heart says yes, but my head says no.

Why have you said that about name? I used to be EcoJem on other forums but prefer the K.

ekojem Sat 17-Nov-12 15:06:44

I've been reading the site for ages, just wanted some advice a I probably need what you are telling me tbh.

WelshMaenad Sat 17-Nov-12 15:07:24

YABU to sleep with him at all. Ick.

ImperialBlether Sat 17-Nov-12 15:08:16

OP, he is a danger to your health, both mentally and physically.

He sounds absolutely horrendous. Can't you see that?

Listen to your head; see a counsellor if necessary. If you can't see that this is the last man you should be with, you really need help.

SamSmalaidh Sat 17-Nov-12 15:10:05

If you think he is going to Thailand regularly to buy women then forget the HIV test - do you really want to go out with a man like that?

Welcome indeed ekojem and well done on finding AIBU for such a personal matter. Relationship or Health might have been better. Anyway - like someone else said, interesting first post! So this boyfriend of yours - does he smoke crystal meth over here too? Only I believe it's quite addictive - not the sort of thing one smokes socially when the vicar drops by for a spot of Earl Grey and a scone.


NoraGainesborough Sat 17-Nov-12 15:12:29

The problem I have is that I never stopped loving him

What do you love about a man that dumps you to go shagging travelling, becomes a drug addict and thinks nothing of using vulnerable women for his own jollies.

with all due respect, you need to get over him and move on. He didn't treat you well the first time, perhaps some counselling for your self esteem?

Tweasels Sat 17-Nov-12 15:12:51

Still hmm

NoraGainesborough Sat 17-Nov-12 15:14:22

oh and the abusing of vulnerable women isn't something he does only in Thailand.

He will do it here. He is doing it to you.

loopylou6 Sat 17-Nov-12 15:19:27

Do you have children? I'm just shock

ekojem Sat 17-Nov-12 15:23:24

No he says he doesn't do drugs over here, but, he does drink quite a lot.

The thing is, I have lent him some money, so if I dump him now I won't get it back.

So confused. sad

hiviolet Sat 17-Nov-12 15:26:22

He sounds like a total sleazebag. Really, really vile. Seriously, why are you with him?

BIWI Sat 17-Nov-12 15:26:45

What is there to be confused about? This bloke is a twat and he is not going to be any good for you

hiviolet Sat 17-Nov-12 15:27:18

Oh god, you're staying with him because he owes you money? How much?

FermezLaBouche Sat 17-Nov-12 15:37:13

He owes you money?
Then take him to small claims court, keep your knickers on and run for the hills!

Tweasels Sat 17-Nov-12 15:42:37

How much money?

Run like hell away from him>>>>>>>

WhenShallWeThreeKingsMeetAgain Sat 17-Nov-12 15:50:22

It really didn't take long for the 'a' word to be used............some MN's just love using the word abuse!!!

The OP is NOT serious..,.,.....or if she/he is then she/he needs serious counselling !!!

You could think of it as a small price to pay to get rid of this twat.

You know you need to get rid and move on.

FromEsme Sat 17-Nov-12 15:53:39

Him owing you money is hardly a good reason to get back together.

Your heart might be saying yes, but in this case your heart is being an utter dick. Always listen to your head. Especially when it comes to meth-smoking, prostitute-shagging, test-avoiding men.

I'm just waiting the next drip - it'd better be a good one!

Tweasels Sat 17-Nov-12 15:59:03

There's something in the water today........

DoIgetastickerforthat Sat 17-Nov-12 16:01:39

You need to view that money as fees for the life lesson in "How to spot and then avoid getting infected/impregnated by a total cockwad" and write it off. Trust me, it's worth every penny.

ekojem Sat 17-Nov-12 16:03:20

Thanks for all the advice, appreciate it. Will take your comments on board, although I thought some of them were a bit harsh.

ekojem Sat 17-Nov-12 16:03:35

Thanks for all the advice, appreciate it. Will take your comments on board, although I thought some of them were a bit harsh.

If he has been smoking crystal meth, he could also have contracted all sorts from the pipe. Burning ones lips on those things means that people exchange bodily fluids just like injecting.

If you lent him money, treat it as a hard lesson. LTB.

Tweasels Sat 17-Nov-12 16:12:05

Which comments did you think we're harsh?

Tweasels Sat 17-Nov-12 16:12:34

Were (not we're)

Mrsjay Sat 17-Nov-12 16:21:45

He sounds a right catch sex tourist and junkie he is a keeper hmm

LilyVonSchtupp Sat 17-Nov-12 16:22:44

Please please please listen to the advice here, ekojem. Harsh is wasting years of your life being used by a penniless, crystal meth addict, layabout, sex tourist.

BIWI Sat 17-Nov-12 16:24:01

Harsh? About a man who has taken money from you, shags other women, is planning on shagging other women again AND takes crystal meth?

What else do you want people to say?

Egusta Sat 17-Nov-12 16:27:32

Yes, run.

I have worked (with the UN) in Thailand and worked extensively with commercial sex workers there, and no, they are mostly not doing it because they like having some guy off his head shagging them (or 20 sleazy guys off their heads shagging-- them ) they are doing it because they are poor, because they have been kidnapped and sold into sex slavery or have been tricked into thinking they were going into a decent job in Bangkok and found out they had been sold and had to 'repay their debt' or whatever. And while Thailand is better than alot of countries when it comes to being HIV aware- the fact is, that for slightly more money you can purchase sex without condoms. Again because these women are vulnerable and desperate.... and perhaps because they have an amount they have to earn for their pimp each day before they are allowed to eat or go home.

Is this the man you really want to be with? Someone who exploits that?

Seriously- run. Take the money he owes you as a useful lesson but bloody run.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sat 17-Nov-12 16:29:20

Wow. I envy you OP. Such naive outlook. Such a problem free life, you deliberately involve yourself in this. Looking for a drama high?

Well, you have found it.

Suggest you join Netmums though, as I am sure they are more likely to tell you what you want to hear. and we dont have to listen to this story as it unfolds

NoraGainesborough Sat 17-Nov-12 16:29:24

No he says he doesn't do drugs over here, but, he does drink quite a lot.

He is lying. Crystal meth isn't something you can take or leave. It highly addictive. Which you would know having researched it.

The thing is, I have lent him some money, so if I dump him now I won't get it back.

So are you with him because you love him or he owes you money?

Cahoots Sat 17-Nov-12 16:32:45


My first LTB.

Really, why would anyone ever think this might be good idea. Would LTB and then try and work out why you would have feelings for someone like this.
Is he incredibly handsome or something? confused

Whocansay Sat 17-Nov-12 16:34:12

If you read your own OP about someone else, wouldn't you be telling them to run?

If you won't cut your losses, please don't have sex with him. He could have contracted all manner of nasties whilst out there. I'm not surprised he's wary of being tested. I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole covered in bleach. If you won't protect your mind or wallet, at least protect your health.

RandallPinkFloyd Sat 17-Nov-12 16:38:58

Yes, definitely.

Get him to have a full STD/HIV test. If it's all clear you can live happily every after hmm

GothAnneGeddes Sat 17-Nov-12 16:41:40

Couthy mentioned a nuclear war siren.

I would suggest that even if you are writing this from a post nuclear winter future and he is the only man left on earth...

You still need to run and keep running away from this arse wipe. He is a solid tosser.

I just looked at the timing. 2 months and he already owes you money? hmm

wonderstuff Sat 17-Nov-12 16:44:36

I would never sleep with anyone who refused to wear condoms. You deserve better, move on.

Cahoots Sat 17-Nov-12 16:44:48

Hopefully it was only adults he slept with in thailand and not children.

WineGoggles Sat 17-Nov-12 16:45:44

Ekogem please listen to what posters are saying here; he's not a good catch and could cost you a lot more than a few quid he may not pay back. Read back through your posts and imagine they were written by someone very dear to you. What would you advise her to do in that situation? Not touch that man with a bargepole?

Why does he refuse to wear a condom and why does he refuse to go and get a full sexual health screening given his risky behaviour? If he had any respect for you (and himself) he wouldn't refuse to do either.

WineGoggles Sat 17-Nov-12 16:48:06

He could have contracted all manner of nasties whilst out there. I'm not surprised he's wary of being tested.

Exactly. He's probably aware he's been involved in high risk activity and is burying his head in the sand hmm

Cahoots even if they were adults, they would have started in the trade as children. The vast majority are children when they start. So, he has paid someone massively poorer than him for sex, who was an abused child, probably coerced into the trade.

In fact, I am going to list the deal-breakers,

Won't use condoms
Has sex with prostitutes
Has sex with people who have little to no choice in who they have sex with
Is a sex tourist
Borrows money from GFs
Won't have an SDI test
Uses hard drugs
Lies I am betting

Anything else?

wonderstuff Sat 17-Nov-12 16:55:27

I was hung up over a bloke who treated me poorly for a while when I was younger - had a bit of a thing for bad boys - then one day I woke up and realised I deserved better. Bad boys aren't cool. When I met my now dh I appreciated the nice things he did for me, being nice is very cool - I hope you have a similar epiphany moment and realise that you need someone better than this man.

crazyhatlady Sat 17-Nov-12 17:14:42

Is this a wind-up by any chance? I find it hard to believe anyone with half a brain would have to ask such a question. If not then yabu to consider sleeping with this man full stop.

BloominMarvellous Sat 17-Nov-12 17:21:46

Oh FFS I hope this is a wind up!!!

If not then please run, you know it's bad or else you wouldn't have posted!

He sounds like a really dream!! hmm

spotsdots Sat 17-Nov-12 20:24:55

OP the truth hurts but please like others have said run for your life.
(a) You broke up before, what gurantee do you have that it won't happen again?

(b) He's been sleeping with other women, prostitutes or not he might have picked some bugs including HIV.

(c) A man who says NO to using condom is wreckless with his life, therefore couldn't give a toss about your life either.

catgirl1976 Sat 17-Nov-12 20:26:04

Crystal Meth? Trips to Thailand?

Run. Run fast. Run far.

Anonymumous Sat 17-Nov-12 20:32:52

Enjoy the revenge of being the one to chuck him this time around. Then find someone better who deserves you. The End.

Fishwife1980 Sat 17-Nov-12 20:39:21

Sorry but i think this says more aout were the op is at in terms of self asteam

Someone who is not low would not evean entertain this looser

ChestyNutsRoastingAnOpenFire Sat 17-Nov-12 20:41:39


cees Sat 17-Nov-12 20:45:45

Yeah he sounds a keeper ......................hmm

I hope this is a wind up, nobody could be that stupid naive to think he would be great boyfriend material.

Fishwife1980 Sun 18-Nov-12 11:02:54

Why would it be a wind loads of people date loosers my sister had a baby with a guy

Who had no job and already had 4 children one of which his brother had tried to sexually abuse and is in jail for but he still speaks to the brother and has frozen out the childs mother for calling the police shock

a real cath right but she wouldnt be told her self worth is really low and this is all she thinks she is worth

Mrsjay Sun 18-Nov-12 11:07:00

I hope this is a wind up, nobody could be that stupid naive to think he would be great boyfriend material

I dont think it is people put up with a lot from people, women have babies with drug adicts criminals etc etc like fishwife said her sister had a baby with a loser it happens ,

This is what Crystal Meth will do for him...

Will you still love him when he looks like a rotting corpse?

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sun 18-Nov-12 12:07:50

you deserve better.

if he loved you, he would take the tests openly in order to keep you safe.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sun 18-Nov-12 12:12:52

I think you need to get some counselling and move on.

rogersmellyonthetelly Sun 18-Nov-12 13:05:12

If you are really honestly set on a relationship with this man, then no Yanbu to ask him to get a full screening for all stds including HIV. Personally, I wouldn't want to have a relationship with anyone who thought it was ok to go on holiday to somewhere and pay for sex, but it takes all sorts.

FutTheShuckUp Sun 18-Nov-12 13:42:32

Does his willy look like this


Of course it's a wind up.
Read the OP name backwards.

RandallPinkFloyd Sun 18-Nov-12 13:57:41

Well I knew it was a wind up but how did I miss that!

<Facepalm> grin

Softlysoftly Sun 18-Nov-12 13:58:38

Fut I just commend why do you know that link my eyes my eyes!

Softlysoftly Sun 18-Nov-12 13:59:10

*vommed not commend!

FutTheShuckUp Sun 18-Nov-12 14:03:18

Ermm- I work a lot of night shifts- light entertainment/shock value is sometimes needed grin

RandallPinkFloyd Sun 18-Nov-12 15:42:57

Holy Jesus, special fried rice willy disease shock

I do not want to know what you were googling!

FutTheShuckUp Sun 18-Nov-12 15:45:12

Tis the male equivalent of blue waffle disease so I'm told wink

oohlaalaa Sun 18-Nov-12 15:50:41

Ekojem - write off the money you have lent him. If he's not prepared to take an std test for you, he's not worth it.

IvanaHumpalotCountDracula Sun 18-Nov-12 15:55:31

Thanks Fut g r i m

BIWI Sun 18-Nov-12 15:58:32

Ah. ekojem = mejoke

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