Please help me understand if I'm being unreasonable

(99 Posts)
Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 00:34:13

Please help me get some perspective - I can't see the woods for the trees at the moment. My DH works really long hours, not usually at home until after I've gone to bed during the week & gone early in the morning. He has a demanding job & I'm grateful for the financial security he brings to our family. I don't make any demands on him during the week at all, ever, I make one request which is that he gets home at a decent time on a Friday so he can spend some time with the kids (& me) & we can "start the weekend". I do everything to do with the home & our 3 kids plus I also work, I have just started a new business, I work every day during school hours & then from home when necessary, plus do all the after school clubs, dinners etc etc.

Often on a Friday he "slopes" off to the pub, tonight his train got in at 6.10 but he didn't get home until 7pm (we live 5 mins from station) as he went to the pub to see a friend on the way home. He texted me to say the train would be in at 6.30-7 depending on how quickly it got home as it was going a bit slow?!?!! When I smelt drink on him, he told me he'd had a drink with the CEO before he'd left! When I found out he'd been to the pub I was a bit miffed, but we were at pizza express with the kids so I didn't kick up a fuss, but when we got home he said he would take dog for a walk & I said I would take dog as he would probably go to the pub. He got really aggressive towards me (not physically at all) but he made me apologise to him & told me it was all my fault that I'd made something of this all & it was nothing. He said I could f&@k off & to stop going on at him all the time - I don't think I go on at him except for this Friday night thing.

AIBU - should I just overlook these Friday evening pub trips, is it fair for him to go to the pub because he needs to chill out after a hard week or is it acceptable for me to expect him to come home at the earliest possible opportunity? Please please help me - I just don't know what to think anymore!

WorraLiberty Sat 17-Nov-12 00:43:36

Gosh it's just a quick wind down drink on a Friday after work... 50 minutes all in all from stepping off the train to getting home.

Why do you think he feels the need to lie?

TinyDancingHoofer Sat 17-Nov-12 00:44:18

I think he is being unreasonable to lie to you, but it's not that unreasonable for him to spend 45minutes a week at the pub. Would be worried about the aggressiveness and the lying more than a drink at the pub.

I think it depends on a few things.

Could he go to the pub a different night?

Does he spend all of Saturday and Sunday with you?

When do you get to go out and see people?

Is he going to keep this schedule up forever?

It's tough because I think you're being a bit unreasonable -- him popping to the pub for less than an hour on the way home is not really so bad.
But at the same time, your overall setup, where you do absolutely everything around the house and he's never home, doesn't really sound like much fun, or very sustainable. Are you really happy living this way?

BridgetBidet Sat 17-Nov-12 00:46:55

YANBU. The Friday evening pub trips i would say were okay, but why is he lying to you about having a drink with the CEO when he's actually been out with a mate then insisting on walking the dog and having a go at you when you offer to do it?

Getting waylaid on the way home with a mate is acceptable. Lying about being with the CEO then trying to sneak out and having a go at you when you question it is not.

Laquitar Sat 17-Nov-12 00:49:01

I don't think YABU.

He doesn't need to go to the pub.
If it was for work purpose then i wouldn't mind but it doesn't sound like it was.

The worst bit is that he lied. You are right to be angry.

3 dcs, you work, you are alone during the week. He has a good job, cant you get someone one afternoon/eve a week to give yourself a break?

ThisIsMummyPig Sat 17-Nov-12 00:51:24

Can he not go to the pub when the kids are in bed? I think he may need a drink by a Friday night, and an hour wouldn't hurt, if he did it after he had seen the kids.

I would be more upset about the lying than the drinking

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 01:02:23

Thanks for the replies..... In answer to some of the questions, no he couldn't go out any other night cos he's usually working til about 11pm. This Friday night was a very quick slope off, he usually finishes work early on a Friday at about 5.30 - 6 ish & then goes to the pub for a few hours, getting home at about 9 ish - by which time the kids are in bed & more often than not so am I!! He does spend most weekends at home - but sometimes goes into work & always does some work frm home.

I guess he lies because he knows I won't like it..... but I feel that if he has the opportunity to finish early he should come home & see his family - he often doesn't see the kids from Sunday eve to Saturday morn. They cry often cos they haven't seen him. It is the lying & aggression that bothers me most

I don't go out very often - I can't "slope off" as I can't leave the kids. If I go out once in a blue moon it's a full on military operation to arrange for him to be home on time etc!

No I'm not happy living like this - but not sure I could change it..... He says he works to support the family but it is his life, I'm not sure he could drop it!

Wowserz129 Sat 17-Nov-12 01:09:48

I think you are being unreasonable. If he is working hard and has a job with responsibility, he is entitled to spend an hour after work at the pub in a week.

He's probably lieing because he knows you will react like this. Give the man a break!

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 01:11:58

Hmmmmm - I guess I could get a babysitter in - but my issue is with him choosing to spend time in the pub when he could be with the family.... I just don't feel that it's acceptable to put the pub above your kids?

squeakytoy Sat 17-Nov-12 01:20:53

"Often on a Friday he "slopes" off to the pub, tonight his train got in at 6.10 but he didn't get home until 7pm"

erm, thats not even an hour... YABU.. everyone deserves a bit of time to themselves to wind down..

youngermother1 Sat 17-Nov-12 01:21:40

Maybe he needs to unwind after a long week - you say he works till 11 and leaves in the morning before you wake up - say 7. That is 16 hours a day or 80 hours a week. He will probably be better with the kids if he gets a chance to unwind without them for an hour and then perhaps go out later in the evening.
If you can get a babysitter, you can do the same. He is lying and aggressive because you think he is wrong and he is being defensive.
Talk to him. Perhaps agree an hour in the pub after the train then get babysitter on friday night and both go after the kids are in bed for time together?

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 01:24:35

But he hasn't seen the kids since sunday eve, is it really more important for him to have a pint than to see the kids

BridgetBidet Sat 17-Nov-12 01:34:00

What you're saying is very reasonable. Apart form him trying to slope off and use the phone/meet somebody with the excuse of walking the dog and losing the plot at you when you interfere.

I'm very pro-men and am usually the last person to say this but I think he's cheating on you.

I would totally give you the benefit of the doubt if it hadn't been for him behaving like that about the dog walking. And dog walking is an excuse as old as the hills.

Sorry, I really think he is cheating on you.

BridgetBidet Sat 17-Nov-12 01:35:46

squeakytoy why did he lie about being out for a drink with the CEO then?

Startail Sat 17-Nov-12 01:37:35

Give the guy a break, he has 3 kids and he can't organise his fucking work to get home before 11pm!!!

I'd have given him a break years ago.

A fucking broken neck.

No job needs those hours, no one is actually producing anything constructive putting hours like that he and or his employer is taking the piss.

WorraLiberty Sat 17-Nov-12 01:38:50

It's not a case of 'what's more important' - the kids or the pub.

He spent less than an hour having a very quick drink after a massively busy week.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want to go home to his family...it just means he wants a quick drink on a Friday after a busy week.

If you don't get your own wind down time then that's something you need to discuss, but I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill here and telling him what you think he should do when he finally clocks off from work.

NatashaBee Sat 17-Nov-12 01:41:45

What time do the kids go to bed? I do think he should aim to be home before then on a Friday, just to say goodnight, but when I started reading your post, I thought you were going to say he goes out till 4am or something. He sounds like he deserves a bit of wind down time on a Friday night -as long as he makes sure you get the same over the weekend. Does he do that?

WorraLiberty Sat 17-Nov-12 01:43:03

squeakytoy why did he lie about being out for a drink with the CEO then?

Because he doesn't need the hassle from the OP?

If I stopped off for a quick (and let's face it, it was a remarkably quick) drink after working those hours and I knew my DH was going to make me feel guilty, I would probably lie too.

Actually I wouldn't, I'd tell him to stop being so controlling.

It's not like none of them got to go to Pizza Express and eat together as a family because of it.

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 01:43:05

worraliberty - this week was 50 mins - its usually 3 hrs! It absolutely is a question of kids v pub. If he goes to the pub on a Friday that's another day when he doesn't see the kids

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 01:44:35

worraliberty yes we did get to pizza express - but my youngest fell asleep during main course

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 01:46:27

natashabee - no I don't get wind down time over the weekend. But that's not my issue - its putting his needs before his kids needs

BridgetBidet Sat 17-Nov-12 01:48:58

Worra, I understand that. Bloke meets mate for drink, makes a little excuse, gets caught out, admits he was at the pub, fine. Understandable.

But why blow his top when he's trying to sneak out later? If he was trying to sneak out to the pub and was foiled it would be irritating, but not a reason to blow his top like he did.

He was trying to go out to call somebody I think....

WorraLiberty Sat 17-Nov-12 01:49:19

Well if you're going to drip feed you're wasting everyone's time.

Had you included that in your OP, my reply might have been different.

However you're still using emotive language like 'putting the pub before his kids' because he wants a balance between a massive amount of working hours and spending time with his family.

Is he allowed no inbetween at all...ever?

You don't seem to want to go out yourself according to your previous post so it seems your only gripe is that he's not running straight to you from work and back again?

Startail Sat 17-Nov-12 01:50:52

Seriously you lot stand for DHs regularly working until 11pm?

I know people who's DHs travel and get home at that time sometimes, but not day in day out week in week out.

They work from home at other times and see THEIR children.

Get him to find another job, stop living in the South East (I assume you do).

Down size, send the DCs to the local state school and give your children the life they actually want, not some Yuppie dream.

NatashaBee Sat 17-Nov-12 01:51:29

To be honest, I think his hours are crazy, but presumably he's working them for a reason - to provide for his family. So he is putting the kids needs first during the week. If this is all as it seems on the surface (and he's not sneaking off seeing another woman or gambling away the money he earns) then I don't think he's so unreasonable to want a quick pint or two on a Friday. And as I said, you need some downtime too, whether that's going out with friends or just collapsing on the sofa while he does the kids bedtime.

BridgetBidet Sat 17-Nov-12 01:53:16

Worra she didn't even say that in the OP. She made it clear that quite apart from him coming home late he tried to go out later for a very flimsy reason and went tonto when she suggested a reason why he might not.

I agree that the whole going to the pub thing is not that bad, but going bonkers at her because he can't 'walk the dog' is different altogether.

WorraLiberty Sat 17-Nov-12 01:55:17

He wasn't trying to sneak out later

He offered to walk the dog but the OP assumed he was going to the pub

Unless I read it wrong and he said he was taking the dog to the pub?

It just seems to me OP that because you spend most of your day with the kids, you expect him to be chomping at the bit to do the same....that's fair enough but as he works horrendously long hours, going for a quick wind down drink doesn't mean he doesn't want to come home to you all.

You've said that more often than not you're in bed by 9ish, I know you have a family to look after but is there any particular reason why you're going to bed that early?

Wheresmypopcorn Sat 17-Nov-12 02:00:21

I think the issue here OP is that you need a break. If you got some time off then perhaps his trips to the pub wouldn't be so bothersome. At the moment it sounds like you get no break from the work that is raising the kids - think you should have an hour or two on a Saturday to yourself and if he can't look after the kids get a babysitter.

BridgetBidet Sat 17-Nov-12 02:02:29

His hours are obviously reasonable because the OP accepts them. Maybe he is a surgeon or a banker or something like that, where they get paid loads of money to do ridiculous hours.

but Worra I still think that if he popped his top over 'walking the dog' like that on this time on a Friday it's odd.

Please don't think I am some woman who is always saying that if your husband won't make you a cup of tea at the same time as changing the baby's nappy, doing your tax return and putting on your mascara is a an emotional abuser, I don't think like that.

But sorry, going mental about walking the dog after lying about where you were all night is probably a bit suss.

WorraLiberty Sat 17-Nov-12 02:06:40

"but when we got home he said he would take dog for a walk & I said I would take dog as he would probably go to the pub"

I have to say if my DH called me a liar like that to my face because I fancied walking our dog, I'd 'pop my top' too....

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 02:10:49

worraliberty apologies for not being a consummate professional at this - I did put an update earlier on which said more about the length of time he regularly spends out - this is pretty much the first time I've used this & I'm not quite up to speed!

WorraLiberty Sat 17-Nov-12 02:16:00

No need to apologise

But I do think you're being unrealistic to expect anyone to just want work/family/work/family etc etc... without a little bit of 'me' time in between.

If you want some 'me' time and you're not getting it, then YWNBU to work out a way to have that.

But he does work horrendously long hours from what you've said and I don't think he should be forced to balance his life between work and family only.

Grabbing a few hours to himself also is ok imo.

He shouldn't lie about it though but then again you've said you can see why he feels the need to.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 02:16:20

Yours goes for a wind down drink at the end of a long week, mine goes for a walk.
Mine does it because he needs a breather between a very demanding job with long hours and a lot of pressure and the different demands and pace of the weekend.
I think my DH is perfectly reasonable in his need, and he's done it for years.
Yes, I also work full time, never had a baby break longer than 6 months, my R&R involves extended uninterrupted baths.

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 02:23:23

Oh jeez - I'm beginning to wish I'd never started now - ah well!!

For the record, he works for a start up company hence the long hours I believe - not sure how long term they'll be but it's been 1.5 years like this! He does earn decent money, but sadly not anywhere near the level of a banker/surgeon etc! Our kids go to state school & we usually manage to scrape together one moderate holiday a year usually in the UK! Apart from not seeing enough of their dad the kids are pretty happy thanks very much!

Some people have been really kind and offered their opinion in a constructive & helpful way - thank you - it's help me settle things out in my own mind! bridgetbidet you may have a point - I hope not, but I had thought it might be a possibility!!!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 17-Nov-12 02:25:07

OP YANBU.

If it was my DH who didn't see our kids 5 days a week I would be devastated, and so would he. And I would be furious and upset if I thought he wasn't doing his damnedest to be around more. Especially if they were crying for him.
He needs to reorganise his work IMO. What the fuck does he do that necessitates those kind of hours?

BridgetBidet Sat 17-Nov-12 02:28:53

Okay Worra, maybe you're right. I agree that everybody needs time to themselves.

But in all the 'Leave the bastard' threads I've seen on here I've never, ever seen one about a man who is out almost all day every day and then lies about where he is in the few hours he's supposed to be home, then tries to get out of being home and gives a dubious excuse why.

Maybe you're right, maybe I'm wrong.

But I think the OP would be absolutely mental not to check it out for herself in the circumstances.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 17-Nov-12 02:31:56

YABU - by the sounds of it he is working those hours so you can stay at home with your children. Give the guy a break. As long as he's fully able to parent and spend time with you over the weekend,I think it is really unfair to get bent out of shape about an extraordinaryly fast after work drink.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 02:33:19

So, how much of the financial responsibility for you and your three children has he been carrying and for how long?
If he cut his hours to more reasonable ones, would you be able to step up and match the financial loss involved? My DH was a part-time SAHH when the children were small, he never resented my need for a bit of time to myself in addition to the working FT and the being a parent. Then he got a different job when they hit school age and the demands shifted again. He worked more, I did more household stuff and we both had a bit of time to ourselves.

BridgetBidet Sat 17-Nov-12 02:35:04

So, how much of the financial responsibility for you and your three children has he been carrying and for how long?

So if he is cheating that's okay because he's supporting a SAHM. Erm no.

MollyMurphy Sat 17-Nov-12 02:43:04

Your home situation sucks (if it was me I'd think so anyway). Sounds like you are working your butt off and basically are doing all of the parenting alone. I agree with Startail really - what kind of job really demands those kinds of hours? I'd wonder if he was socializing or getting his work done during the 9-5 portion of his work.

OP is home with three kids - she is not free to pop off to the pub.....why should dad be? I work full time and there is way more space for socializing and having a bit of time to ones self when you work out of the home anyway.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 02:45:13

grin
I'm not much of a one for seeing adulterous relationships every time an individual wants half an hour to themselves. Cheating is never OK, a swift half down the pub is what the OP is about isn't it?
Rather than the long sad soap opera drama that MN loves so much.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 02:47:22

A SAHM with kids at school has a lot more opportunity for shagging around, at least between 9.30 and 3.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 17-Nov-12 02:49:42

TheNebulous same here. I think the standard "he's cheating on you obv" is a really fucking unhelpful response. I mean for gods sake,everyone needs half hour to themselves.

OP if you want some time to yourself too,just say so to your DH.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 17-Nov-12 02:52:12

Molly I recently went for a job interview. The hours were 9-5. They made it v clear that at busy times the expect you to work until the job was done. We're talking 9am-12am. It wasn't a senior position either.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 02:57:13

I suppose it's also because most of the close friends and relatives I have had over the years have all had a hobby or a life other than work and children, so they have partnerships that include being musicians, book groups, gym bunnies, art, theatre...so it is usual to have a bit of a life as well.
I'd be very stressed and bored otherwise, I need the freedom to be me as well as a worker and a parent and a partner.

Laquitar Sat 17-Nov-12 02:58:00

OP works too.

I was thinking the same Bridget but i didn't write it down. I thought that him being angry after being at Pizza Express with OP could be because he was uncomfortable and guilty sitting there with her.

But i might be completely wrong- and i hope i am OP. OTOH maybe just the case of you both being burnt out thats why i have suggested babysitter earlier.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 02:58:38

How old are your children? I'm totally with worraliberty here. Do you really get no downtime at all? Having no rest from being "on" all the time can drive you very very nuts indeed. I would rather my husband went to the pub for the whole of Friday night and had a proper wind down so he was ready to be there for us at the weekend. Same for my husband, he says to take an afternoon out or an hour out and come back "refreshed". Better all of a person some of the time than half of a scratchety person all the time. For example, don't forget your husband never gets time to himself alone in the house. That's knackering.

On the other hand, if you get no downtime AT ALL you should have the same. I would happily swap all evening friday in the pub if he takes the children out all Saturday afternoon and gives you the same time. Better than both of you being around for all of the time in an exhausted grump.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 17-Nov-12 03:03:32

thenebulous I've yet to have children but I actively encourage my OH to lead a bit of a social life separate to mine and vice versa. Not because we're weirdos with an open relationship,we are ver committed he will put a ring on it one day dammit! but because it makes life and conversation more interesting. There is only so much interest I can feign in teenagers (he's a secondary school teacher).

Seriously OP,if it's a matter of having some time to yourself,just raise it with your OH.

Surely the last time a reasonable bloke refused to allow his wife to have a bit of time to herself was 1955?

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 03:06:11

OP 'has just started a new business' no details of what, or the time pressures or where the funding is coming from. So her work pressures are unclear to me due to insufficient information.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 03:09:32

Or perhaps he is having an affair and will abandon you and the children so that he can have a drink and a shag. Who knows?
I'd hate the feeling of being accountable for every second of my day, so would my OH.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 17-Nov-12 03:11:24

I think being sahm (is that right? I'm stilly fairly new and working out the abbreviations) to three children and starting a new business sounds like a v brave venture.

Seriously OP,just say you need x amount of time off per week. To wind down and feel normal.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 03:30:13

Especially if you already have one failed business venture behind you and had big money worries 9 months ago. Has that situation been resolved OP? Are you financially stable now? Or are you both still very stressed about finances?

NapaCab Sat 17-Nov-12 03:57:56

YANBU - if you had both agreed this deal where Friday night is the night where he makes time to be with the family, as you said in your OP, then he should respect that. If it were a situation where he had a work do to go to and had planned it in advance and told you about it, that's different but ditching family night to head to the pub and then lying about it is strange and dishonest. And kind of mean, I think. So YANBU.

inapineappleunderthesea Sat 17-Nov-12 03:58:05

I think its very wrong for anyone to say that he's cheating without any proof,thats how more arguements will start & it will only cause more unnessesary grief! I think you should sit down with him & open up to him & express your feelings,without any accusations or finger pointing from either side,then take it from there,do not tho,start thinking he's cheating on you or accuse him of it because that will not help anyone.

CordeliaChase Sat 17-Nov-12 04:02:02

Right, I'm not going to ask a million questions and I am also not going to judge.

Why not come to a compromise? So he goes out on a Friday to unwind from work, is home in enough time that you and him have a bit of time together. He gets up with the DC in the morning and has breakfast with them then takes them out til mid afternoon. You get your time together, you both get time needed (him with DC and you with peace and quiet!) and the DC get quality time with Daddy.

I think if you both know where you stand, you all have time together as a family unit and know that each other are compromising then it will make life easier. There seems to be a level of resentment here, and that will breed hate. I think it is unrealistic to ask him to reduce his working hours, but you both need to understand the pressures you are both under. Could you sit down together and have a conversation about what you feel are major pressures? Things that are frustrating you both? I'm sure he would rather not work these long hours, and he probably needs to know you appreciate it. In turn, he needs to show he appreciates you doing everything you are doing. Communication is the key.

I hope it all works out for you x

Valdeeves Sat 17-Nov-12 06:21:13

I think your hubbie is up to something or someone - and the way he reacted speaks volumes. Why is your own husband telling you to
fuck off? I totally agree with whoever said he is sneaking off to make
a call.
YANBU.
I'll warn you though - as one who's husband works late all week.
Working that late is odd, then going to the pub EVERY week is
taking you and the kids for granted. You are his wife and I bet you didn't
marry him to spend every evening alone. Sure he can go to the
pub - but not every Friday. I bet if he went until 7 every week it would be
ok but of course he doesn't does he?
I'd address it all as calmly as you can.
If he tells you to fuck off again I'm sorry but your marriage
may be in trouble.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 17-Nov-12 06:40:36

If he's working the hours you say, getting in after you go to bed, by your words to bring you financial security, I can't see the problem with an hour in the pub on the way home on a friday night. His life must be shit if he can't do that. Those work hours, then straight into the hum drum of family life and no time whatsoever to unwind.

How old are your children if you are taking them out to eat at 7pm? I imagined preschoolers (who should be in bed by then)

That was snidy shot, about taking the dog for a walk, becaue he'd only go to the pub? no wonder he blew his gasket. I think I would too. You've basically accused him of being an alcoholic this evening. Do you not think after being stuck in an office all week, or commuting in a sardine tin crammed with other people, walking the dog would have been an absolute delight, even if it was pissing down? Fresh air and just being outside for a bit?

You could of course have taken the dog for a walk all bloody day - don't give me the crap about a SAH is oh-so-tiring - I've been one and it's a walk in the park, even with three under 5, compared to the pressure of working to deadlines in the city.

Feckbox Sat 17-Nov-12 06:43:33

Hi OP .

The main thing that bothers you is that he CHOSES the pub for the first few hours of the weekend over coming straight home to you and the kids.

Well his preference is a fact. And you have no control over his preference so if you are going to try to get him not to go to the pub , you are altering his behaviour but not his preference . And he will resent that.

I don't think it is unreasonable for him to want to go to the pub for a few hours between work and home at the end of a hard week.

Whether he is a good guy or a bad guy , none of us ( except, presumably, you ) know , but it's very unhelpful to suggest your husband is having an affair.

I do think is he continues working such long hours his health will suffer

Feckbox Sat 17-Nov-12 06:44:32

IF

HKat Sat 17-Nov-12 07:36:57

I agree with Worra and Feckbox. I know you want him to want to come straight home, but he obviously works very long hours and just fancies a few beers one night, at the end of a long week - I don't think that'sat all unreasonable. If he was rolling in wasted at 3a.m every week, or getting so drunk he couldn't enjoy/participate in the rest of the weekend, fair enough. But op hasn't said that. She seems to be saying he should always either be at work or at home - why is that fair? If this is really about op begrudging these few hours because she doesn't get them herself, then they need to talk about that and do something about it. But I don't think that's what it is about. Op just wants him to always want to come straight home. I'd have had same reaction to the dog walkg incident if my dp made such a nidey dig to be honest.

maddening Sat 17-Nov-12 08:03:29

Why not get a baby sitter for Friday's and go to the pub with dh?

maddening Sat 17-Nov-12 08:04:56

Ps the op is either at home or work - her dh expects this.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sat 17-Nov-12 08:14:20

Speculation about affairs is not helpful to the OP.

IMO, half an hour at the pub on the way home on a Friday = reasonable. 2-3 hours = unreasonable.

I do think it's important for him to see his kids on a Fri evening. I would also be wondering exactly why he feels the need to work such crazy hours, which could be very bad indeed for his long-term health - especially as not even the weekends appear to be sacrosanct.

Those hours sound fairly standard for a director of a startup business. I know a lot of people in similar roles and we all work similar hours. The economy's buggered atm and everyone's terrified that if they drop the ball for a minute it'll all go tits up.

I don't think its unreasonable of him to go for a drink for an hour but it is UR to go for 3 hours and miss seeing the DC all together when he sees so little of them anyway.

Can he work from home at all some evenings once the DC are in bed or come home for an hour or so at teatime some days? Can the two of you agree that if he wants more than an hour at the pub then he comes home first until after the DC are in bed? Maybe you could get a babysitter and go together?

Inertia Sat 17-Nov-12 08:31:42

The lying and aggression would really bother me.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to come home and see the children on a Friday evening, no matter how hard he works. There's nothing to stop him going to the pub later in the evening, or on Saturday night. I accept that he works hard all week - my DH often works away during the week. His first priority when he finishes is to see me and the children - he goes out on a Saturday after spending time with us.

The OP 's husband is not the only person who works hard - OP also works, and does all the childcare and household work which enables her H to work those hours .

KenLeeeeeee Sat 17-Nov-12 08:33:37

Under an hour at the pub and home by 7pm -
Not BU.

Three hours at the pub and home after kids are in bed, thus not seeing them from Sunday evening to Sat morning - BVU.

You need balance and compromise here. It's not a situation I'd be at all happy with and I would need to point out to my husband that I didn't marry him to spend so much time alone.

Can he cut back his work hours at all? Perhaps even just making the weekends totally work-free so you can have real family time?

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sat 17-Nov-12 08:37:03

He obviously needs some time for himself. You should also be having time for yourself too - it's normal to do some things separatly to have balance.

How about he returns home straight away on Friday after work but then goes out to the pub once the kids are in bed.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sat 17-Nov-12 08:38:36

You can have special 'alone' time with him on a Saturday evening.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Sat 17-Nov-12 08:40:54

Sorry but I do think YABU...he is stretched to capacity...a 50 min drink with the CEO is fine. I think he lied as he is reacting to the way you treat/speak to him.

You've both got a lot to handle; I think for your sanity you need to stop fixating on him spending Friday evenings with the kids, just let it go.

Good luck OP...I know it's tough.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:05:31

It sounds like he offered to walk the dog to be on his own for a bit. Or is he a secret smoker? Both more plausible than affairs/abuser/etc etc.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:09:26

I've just read your post again: the insistence on "coming home at the earliest opportunity" would bug me to high hell. You're going to make him resent you very quickly and worse resent the children if you do that.

Best solution is admit (to yourself and him) that you are stretched to breaking point if you don't get your own time alone and so do a Friday night/Saturday afternoon deal, or something like that. Time to yourself/alone is to the soul what sleep is to the body, time to heal, rest, recover your resources.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 17-Nov-12 09:14:34

I agree with the other posters who have said that your DH stopping off for a quick pint on his way home is not unreasonable (unless he has promised to be home for a specific time and this makes him late), but going to the pub for the whole evening is not on.

Sounds like you both need some time to yourself, some R&R and to stop snapping at each other

AWimbaWay Sat 17-Nov-12 09:23:00

I don't think you are being unreasonable. When do you get time off? I bet if you decided to go to the pub one evening it'd be up to you to sort childcare, but he expects you to be there to look after his children 24/7. It's just good manners if you're wanting to go out to check the other parent is free to look after the children, he shouldn't just expect it.

Why bother having a wife and children if you actually don't ever see them. He might think his work life balance is OK but what about the people who don't have a say, you and your children are expected to just go along with whatever he wants? I bet when you got married and had the children you didn't realise you were signing up a part time husband and Father.

The OP 's husband is not the only person who works hard - OP also works, and does all the childcare and household work which enables her H to work those hours . I totally agree with this Inertia .

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:23:00

If I were you depending on how old the children are I would tell him to go to the pub every Friday nigth until midnight, put the children to bed at 7 (tell them it's 9 it's easier in winter!) and settle down all alone with the remote and a book and a cup of tea and no housework. Make the most of it.

butterflyroom Sat 17-Nov-12 09:25:17

Presumably the OP's DH chose to have 3 children with her. Yet she virtually brings them up on her own whilst working by the sound of things. YANBU. He should get home and spend time with the kids not choose to have a bloody pint. After they've gone to bed you could relax with a bottle of wine (or two!) between you. 50 mins at that time could be the difference between spending an hour or 10 mins with the children.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:27:19

Ew no. It gets on my nerves a little bit when I have to be home from work double quick because dinner's on the table. Much rather dawdle and have a bit of chat. You've got more to give if you're on your own a bit.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sat 17-Nov-12 09:27:31

Poor sod works all week and wanted 50 mins out to see his mates. I genuinely understand your point of view but sorry I think your being a bit unreasonable. He's not shunned the family all night just a quick drink, if he stops for one when he's walking the dog then it doesn't matter either. You need to let him have boy time too or youll push him away. I'd say the lie was to stop the grief when he got home, then he was narked he got caught over something silly.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:29:40

He's not being a part time husband and father, he's at work being a full time father and supporting his family.

ENormaSnob Sat 17-Nov-12 09:32:31

Is everyone ignoring the fact the op works too?

I know it's already been mentioned but I would also be very suspicious here too sad It follows an all too familiar routine.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sat 17-Nov-12 09:32:32

Gottomakeachange - Start ups are horrible employers. In my experience, having worked for one that is now a very successful company, it is an all encompassing experience that almost take on a work cult status. You are all so IN on making a success on it, and willing the company to greatness, it is EXPECTED to work till 11 pm without fail. Or you are a slacker, you will be squeezed out, because there will be others who are keen to be on board, in CASE it turns out a big success. Especially if stock options are promised.

But your dh has kids and a wife. He needs a break, and you need to see him. It is a tough one.

What are your weekends like?

There are plenty of kids around with fathers who work long hours or abroad, who are used to not seeing their dads between Sunday night and Saturday morning.
Sadly it is not unusual. sad

AWimbaWay Sat 17-Nov-12 09:33:29

To all those saying the op's DH needs a bit of time to himself to do what he wants, when does the op get that time? OK she's on her own every evening, every week, but that is something that is being forced upon her, not a choice, she's not able to nip to the pub for a quick pint whenever she fancies. OK, she could get a babysitter, but that takes planning and money and a lot of effort for 50 minutes down the pub. However the DH just heads to the pub whenever he wants, knowing he has childcare on tap.

AWimbaWay Sat 17-Nov-12 09:36:41

Not whilst he's down the pub for 3 hours most Friday nights he isn't Brycie. I'm sure the op would love to be down the pub with him, but wait that's right, she wasn't asked and is expected to be home taking care of their children, on her own, again.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:36:51

Yes, she does too, most people are saying that. Depends if she ever is free of the children during the week. But why not just say something along those lines to him, instead of "you are never to be anywhere except here or your office". That would do my nut. Do a deal - you have Fridays - I have such and such a time. It's not that hard. If he said "no I'm not going to let you have any time" then he's being unreasonable. But wanting his own time is normal and reasonable.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:38:03

What till midnight? Don't her children go to bed? She hasn't said she wants to do anything else like go to the pub, she just doesn't want him to.

AWimbaWay Sat 17-Nov-12 09:45:19

It's the fact he just expects her to cover for him that bothers me, if he'd asked if she minded staying in watching the children so he could nip to the pub fine, my Dh regularly heads to the pub after work, I don't have an issue with it because he asks if I'm OK to be in watching the dcs first, doesn't just expect it. I feel the op wouldn't be so put out if she was included in the decisions once in a while either, she could then bring up the fact she feels he doesn't see her or the Dcs enough and they could come to a compromise, at the moment it's very much what he says goes.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sat 17-Nov-12 09:46:43

There is nothing stopping OP from arranging a baby sitter once a week so she can go out with friends, or join him at the pub.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:48:11

So she can say that too. What's with all the "I smell drink" at 7pm, honestly I think that's very controlling. Presuming the op is a nice normal person, you have to be under a lot of stress to be that controlling so she needs to think about exactly what she wants and if she wants time alone, to say so. It would certainly be more productive than saying "I smell drink and you're not allowed to walk the dog in case you go to the pub".

Treat him like a child and he will act like a child. Telling him what time to be home, telling him to come straight home, can I smell drink on you, no you can't leave the house I think you are lying about where you are going.

Have an adult conversation and put across your point, listen to his pov and come to a compromise.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 10:54:54

You could always swap roles like we did.
Then you might both develop a better understanding of each other's views and opinions and the pressures linked to your different responsibilities within the family. OH was a SAH/part-time worker for 6 years. Then he got a demanding job with long hours and we shared childcare.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 11:17:51

I mean we shared childcare differently, because the situation had changed. For example, I started taking them clothes shopping.
But really, if your relationship is going to survive, you need to accept that both of you could do with some me time, independent of each other.
I'm still wondering if you are more financially stable that 9 months ago, or if you are still in a state of flux with 3 children to provide for.

differentnameforthis Sat 17-Nov-12 11:33:17

No job needs those hours, no one is actually producing anything constructive putting hours like that he and or his employer is taking the piss

Erm, how do you know that for sure? My dh has done/still does those hours. He works in a job where a company (a hospital, a mining company. hotel etc) can ring up - for example - on a Thursday night & say we need x,y,z fixing for Friday am & they have to fix it. Which means he has to find a team to stay which sometimes includes himself. He worked Easter Sunday this year. They are one of 3 or 4 companies that do this type of work in our state & they have big ticket clients, so they jump when needed. And the type of work they do is not done in a few hours.

Last year he did 2 weeks off site fixing something at nights, which saw him & another guy working 6pm - 1am because they had to do it when no one was around as it was confined spaces.

So, in fact you are wrong. There ARE jobs that need those hours & it doesn't always follow that the op's dh can't organise his work, or is taking the piss. I am shocked that you say that without even knowing what he does!

Mousefunk Sat 17-Nov-12 11:50:08

What I take from this is a rather simple solution.
Friday he comes home straight from work, he sits with you and the kids- has dinner, reads to them, puts them to bed (whatever your usual routine is) and then he goes to the pub for a couple of pints for an hour or two. Then you guys have the weekend together and make it a rule that on the Sunday he does not answer his phone so at least one of the two days you get together is work free. He owes it to both you and his children.

A lot of people defending the 'poor bloke' because he works 80+ hour weeks, what about op?! She runs her own business, looks after 3 DCs all with no support and by the sounds of it no time off.. So I say poor woman! Your DH needs to pull his finger out of his arse and realise how good he's got it. A seemingly very patient wife who looks after his home and their 3 DCs around the clock and doesn't expect anything of him.

Also people keep saying 'it was only 50 mins!' OP has said he usually does it for hours and comes home when kids are in bed which is not fair. I think he owes it to his family to at the very least stick to the agreement he will be home on a Friday to see you all.

Don't agree with putting ideas into op's head that he's cheating...There's no evidence of this and op hasn't expressed her concerns that he is so that's just pulling straws.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 12:10:26

Mousefunk, on past history, they already have one failed business venture behind them, but I have no idea if that was a joint venture or OP alone.
So here she is just starting a new business again, in the middle of a recession. Good luck to her, but her OH could be still feeling that the financial security of the family still rests entirely with him. So he might need a breather between work and home if he's trying to keep the roof over their heads on his own.
She doesn't trust him, wants him at home and needs the security of his income. She's treating him like a naughty child, and he's living up to that image.
So if you did give him an ultimatum OP, and he cut his hours and his income and became what you wanted, could you step up and fill that gap?

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 17:57:48

God this has not been a pleasant experience at all, I'm surprised how judgemental some people are!

We have talked & sorted it now & he is going to come home first on a Friday to see the kids & then go out later.

To put a few things straight, we did have a failed business (which was a joint venture), I went back to work full time & worked hard to pay it all off, which I did. I am capable of supporting the family, but WE made the choice that it would be better if one of us worked more flexibly as we didn't feel happy putting kids in after school clubs every day.... So that's why I started a new business, I do earn money already & will soon be able to bring in about 2/3s of his salary. The reason I have done this instead of staying at home is because I don't want him to be massively stressed with the responsibility of being the main provider & that hopefully in the future we will be in a stronger financial position, therefore enabling him to make different career choices should he wish. I have always worked apart from mat leaves etc. I don't have any time to myself, I'm not that bothered about having me time, but I would like some more family &/or us time & they are his kids too let us not forget!

Anyway, all's well that ends well........ going out for a curry tonight & very much looking forward to it. Thanks so much to those who contributed without judging, I think I can safely say this will be my last venture on to these forums!

Oh no, I hope you weren't upset by my post, maybe just give aibu a rest for a while?

I'm really glad you've managed to find a solution that works for you both. Family time is in short supply so very important here too, so I completely appreciate your concerns. Best of luck to both of you with your businesses smile

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 19:14:21

opheliapayneagain it may be beneficial to check your facts first. I am not SAHM, I do not have any time off during the day.

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 19:14:54

pishmepullyou no not at all - thanks! :-)

PiedWagtail Sat 17-Nov-12 19:18:07

YANBU. As others have said, I'd have hoped he'd want to come home and see the kids and you instead of going to the pub - and I woulnd't like the lies and aggression either.

I don't know how you cope with such long hours. It must be like being a single mum in the week. Do you get any time to you? Do you have babysitters locally?

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