AIBU to be miffed because DH feels he is just as tired as I am?

(35 Posts)
ellangirl Fri 16-Nov-12 23:37:58

We have a 3 week old DD who wants to be breastfed every 2 hours at the moment, and a very spirited 3 year old DS. DH is at work full time and gets up half an hour earlier than I'm awake to take dog on quick walk. Given he doesn't feed (therefore stays asleep) or do nappies, and some nights sleeps in spare bed, how can he be just as tired as me? Or perhaps I am being u nreasonableu

deleted203 Fri 16-Nov-12 23:42:01

YADBU because anyone who is breastfeeding every 2 hours is completely unreasonable smile. No, seriously. I can understand that he is shattered, coping with a full time job, dog walking, plus wife, 3 yo and 3 week old. Any man would be. But you are breastfeeding and don't get the spare bed occasionally. Therefore you win. You are the tiredest. (But it gets better - and congrats on the new baby). thanks

SkipTheLightFanjango Fri 16-Nov-12 23:42:10

There is no measurement that will answer the who is more tired than who question. Basically you are both nackered! Try not to let the tiredness cause arguements smile
Oh, and for future reference, ya never bu when you have a newborn, you are possibly hormonal and definately strung out. HTH grin

ellangirl Sat 17-Nov-12 03:51:31

Fair responses. I just feel like shit! It's blooming hard work feeding round the clock grin All this 'sleep when your baby sleeps' advice. Ha!

SomersetONeil Sat 17-Nov-12 04:48:46

Oh my God, I am so transported right back to where you are, and remember completely seething over this!!

DH used to try to claim he was as tired and there was just no way. You are so not being unreasonable.

However for the sake of your own sanity you just absolutely have to not get into the 'who's the most tired' convos because you will do your own head before anything.

Full sympathy. smile

EMS23 Sat 17-Nov-12 04:52:15

He can join my DH, who is apparently more tired and gets as little sleep as me because he's always awake during night feeds.
Bollocks is he, he's snoring next to me right now. Bastard!!

YANBU but competitive tiredness is pointless as in IME men will rarely concede.

sleepsforwimps2010 Sat 17-Nov-12 05:14:16

my lo is now 14 weeks, and now only feeds once during the night.. so hang on in there it gets better and your doing great!
unless you've been there you cant understand how tiring bfding every 2/3 hrs and toddler chasing is! (my ds is 2.5)
you are def more tired than he is!
i try not to get into a who's more tired row with dp,(but we with know its me ;-) )
yanbu!

blonderthanred Sat 17-Nov-12 05:26:26

My DS is 3 weeks too and I am finding it hard enough without a toddler to add into the equation so many hats off to you.

DH is super helpful and I still feel irrationally and unreasonably furious with him at around this time of night: for snoring, being able to sleep, breathing, existing. Also a futile compulsion to work out who got what sleep. Why??!

I hate it when you end up playing 'tiredness trumps' e.g. 'I only had 2 hours sleep last night' 'well I actually woke up before I went to bed' nonsense. YANBU at all but you're probably both tired & adjusting so try not to seeth about it too much.

BabiesNeedInstructions Sat 17-Nov-12 06:02:01

Yanbu, I have the same silent seething anger when dh sits yawning and hopeless at the breakfast table. I bf 6wo ds2 all night and he gets up with 2yo ds1 after a full night's sleep in the spare room. I usually manage to bite my tongue but I'm just daring him to say he's tired so I can kick off.... (possibly irrational mum alert).

Euphemia Sat 17-Nov-12 06:08:11

It's not a competition, it's parenting.

It's not about you, or DH. It's about the children, and working together to raise them as best you can.

Keep your energy for stuff that matters.

YABU, but no wonder as one's head is mince during the first few weeks. smile

Yamyoid Sat 17-Nov-12 06:14:13

Yanbu. I once burst into tears because I was so sleep deprived when dh complained he was tired. It felt to me like he didn't sympathise and was just playing 'tiredness trumps' [thanks, perfect phrase MrsHels]. He shut up about it for a while after that.

I still feel a bit aggrieved sometimes when he sits there doing his woe is me am drams but I remind myself of the long hours he works and that he is allowed to be tired too. It is hard though.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 17-Nov-12 06:28:51

I shall probably be shot for suggesting it - have you thought about expressing so he can do a night feed?

Kalisi Sat 17-Nov-12 07:49:12

Agree with * Ophelia* Even if it's just one feed, even if it's just on weekends. Do it whilst you have the chance. Please don't get in the habit of being the only one that gets up in the night or you may end up like me, collapsed on the sofa with bags under your eyes 15 months later because poorly DD will only settle with you at night. Urgh I need a brew

Katla Sat 17-Nov-12 07:51:20

Would agree not to start tiredness competition - my DH is self employed and I keep hearing him on phone telling his customers how tough our newborn is and all the sleepless nights - yeah right, he's on the spareroom bed snoring all night, and even having lie ins as he seems to think he on mat leave too (our LO is 5weeks and still feeding 3-4 hourly, sometimes longer if I'm lucky!)

I had a long labour too (30 hours), was in hospital two nights - and both nights LO didn't sleep til 4am and wanted fed every hour - DH said he'd be back in the morning the first night at ten am (so I'm keenly waiting for him to appear to give ne a break - just so I can have shower, eat breakfast) - no sign of him by half past so I call and he's just up getting a boiled egg - as he was shattered after the birth... Jeez.

I have actually thought how I can see how people spilt up after having a baby. And don't get me started on how he tells me how he's missing sex...

And it's not as if he was particularly insensitive before as he has always been great before at going extra mile but this seems to make him pretty self indulgent - I think he's feeling neglected because I told him to get out our bed due to snoring (at me in mockery it felt!) and I've been so pissed off with him that he's had no affection or much attention... Bit like my Labrador in fact...

SoupDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 07:54:32

There is a chance he is feeling as tired as you.

I feel far, far worse now if I get woken up in the night by a child then I ever did when I was feeding any of them. I think your body gets used to that level of disturbed sleep to a certain extent. Now I am used to undisturbed nights and waking up when I want and having a child wake me up on rare occasions floors me completely now.

I think it is impossible to judge - I don't think amount of sleep corresponds exactly to how tired you feel.

But, obviously, YANBU because you have a newborn smile

Pochemuchka Sat 17-Nov-12 08:04:34

YANBU

I agree about the competition thing but sometimes when you are absolutely shattered and your DP/H is moaning about it too, despite having much more sleep it can be enraging.

At the moment, I am 33 weeks pregnant, have been suffering with chronic heartburn which isn't relieved with any medication. I have two DC (20 months and 3.7), work 30 hours in 3 days with a two hour daily commute. I also take the DC on public transport to nursery opposite my work for those days.

By contrast, DP works from bed home every day. His work is mostly online/by telephone so he doesn't even need to get dressed.

He sleeps in the spare bedroom usually as he doesn't like being disturbed (which is fine by me as the DC come in bed with me and there's no room!)

I get up with the DC every morning except Sundays because I'm now programmed for an early start.

He still moans about being more tired.
If I mention being tired he immediately counters with how tired he is or how little sleep he has had. He did the same when I was EBFing both DC.

In fact, last night he went to bed an hour before me and it's still me who is up today.

It's fucking annoying.

I'm currently contemplating unleashing the DC on him while I have a shower.

LiegeAndLief Sat 17-Nov-12 08:24:09

YADNBU.

I threw a remote control at dh's head once when I was sat up feeding the baby (she didn't feed lying down very well when she was very small) and he was snoring in bed across the room. I don't recommend this course of action, and in my defence I had a newborn and a 3yo and had lost all mind and reason through exhaustion, but it did make me feel slightly better.

I missed, btw, and he carried on snoring. Bastard.

janey68 Sat 17-Nov-12 08:36:38

Yabu, it's not a competition and you don't know how tired he feels anyway. And if you're really not coping then express milk and let your dh do some night feeds. Your baby will still be receiving exclusively breast milk and it will enable your dh to actually feed her .... I think its difficult for many husbands when they physically cant do anything to feed the baby. No point in being a martyr about it

maddening Sat 17-Nov-12 09:01:07

Yanbu - he is bu to compare - it is he that is turning it into a "competition". He should just appreciate that at the mo you are exhausted.

maddening Sat 17-Nov-12 09:04:11

Ps expressing is tough Janey when you are establishing bf so not easy to do with a 3 week old (possibly in a growth spurt if feeding 2 hourly) and a spirited 3yr old.

Ah, the Sleep Olympics. No medals to be gained here.

We all understand. Seethe away smile

AThingInYourLife Sat 17-Nov-12 09:09:58

YANBU - women with lazy arse husbands always get told not to play "competitive tiredness", with the subtext being that men deserve more rest because they have jobs.

If you are bfing a 3 week old baby, there is no competition because you are clearly having disturbed sleep every night while he mostly sleeps.

A kind man would recognise that and be nice to you.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sat 17-Nov-12 09:10:05

He can seriously think he is as exhausted as you are? Pure madness!

RillaBlythe Sat 17-Nov-12 09:16:36

My DP is more tired than me because his job is physically, mentally & emotionally exhausting. I'm a SAHM so mine is just physically exhausting.

RillaBlythe Sat 17-Nov-12 09:17:09

My DP is also more of a wanker than me.

eagerbeagle Sat 17-Nov-12 09:45:53

There is no winner playing competitive tiredness.

You are both tired and need to figure out how to support each other through it. I've been there. Am still there some nights, DD now 13 months. When it gets bad we take turns to sleep at the weekend. DH has a 2 hour nap then loads kids into the buggy and I hit the hay.

Just talk about it. Acknowledge its hard on you both and ask for help if you feel you are hitting your limit.

You are more tired by the way but pulling together is likely to get you further than arguing about it.

AThingInYourLife Sat 17-Nov-12 10:18:49

There's no winner in competitive tiredness because a man who tells his breastfeeding wife who is up every 2 hours at night that he is just as tired as she is a cunt. Which means she's married to a cunt.

Losers all around.

ellangirl Sat 17-Nov-12 14:10:59

Just for the record, my DH is most emphatically NOT a cunt, or a wanker! He is very lovely, just not when he is asleep and snoring at stupid o clock while I wonder 'is the baby asleep enough for me to out her down in the crib? oh no she's woken up again. Bugger. better spend another 20 mins rocking backwards and forwards like a mad woman with her, oh god now she's rooting again, how the hell can she be hungry!?' grin

And for those worried I am making it a game of sleep trumps, my only response to being told he was just as tired as me was 'it's not a competition'.

Anyway, she has been asleep on him for an hour, so now I have cleaned the bathroom, made the bed and done the washing. I now only have myself to blame for being tired as I could have been sleeping hmm

Goldrill Sat 17-Nov-12 14:17:23

YANBU
DD2 is 4 weeks old and DD1 is 2 years. DP is wonderful and I adore him, but had to learn this time round that any suggestion he is tired had damn well better be followed with a "...but nowhere near as tired as you must be...". He may only do it to humour me but I don't really care at the present moment!

I'm finding it a lot easier to be up feeding all night this tme round - I think having older DD reminds me just how quicly this bit passes and how soon it will really be that I get proper sleep again!

wannaBe Sat 17-Nov-12 14:18:20

yabu.

It's not a competition, and having a newborn doesn't IMO give special dispensation.

He's at work all day, you can nap when the baby naps. He doesn't have that privilage.

duedec2 Sat 17-Nov-12 14:25:24

She cant sleep if she has a 3-yr-old! But breast feeding does produce hormones that help. Just tough for everyone. But babies grow up so terrifyingly fast and it passes ...

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife Sat 17-Nov-12 14:27:33

Of course having a newborn gives a special dispensation, if by dispensation you mean extra kindness and consideration from your husband.

Going to work really isn't that fucking tiring unless you have a serious health problem or are incompetent.

We've all been working all our adult lives. Why does it suddenly become something so hard that it requires daytime naps just because someone else in the house isn't getting any sleep?

IShallCallYouSquishy Sat 17-Nov-12 14:34:52

I remember my DH being like this in the early days. He'd say "I know I shouldn't be but I'm so tired" or "I know you should be more tired but I'm just knackered". I guess at least he realised I should win have more moaning rights.

But YANBU grin

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