DH won't do anything with both kids ...

(52 Posts)
devonsmummy Thu 15-Nov-12 11:39:08

He always says I'll leave Dd with you or that I have to go along too!
He's worked away for 2 weeks home at weekends but working during the day.
So its been me & the kids (just 6 & just 3) I have no family nearby so I've had them 24/7 over half term and taken ds football training & matches early on a Saturday.
Yesterday DH says he's on call at the weekend so could maybe drive to the footie game on Saturday morning in his van invade he has to go.
He's also offered (for me) to pick up another mum & her DS - I have no prob with this.
He just rang and said I've got my callous covered so I can go football.
Great I say - That means I don't have to go.
Err why? He says? What are you going to be doing then?
Nothing - just have some 'me' time for a change, I reply.
He then tells me he's only going to take DS & I'll have to have Dd at home with me.
I'm so pee'd off that the only time he'll do kids stuff is if I'm there or he'll only take DS
So am I being unreasonable to want a couple of hours to myself (which will no doubt be filled with housework/ online Xmas shopping) so not like I'm out partying!

devonsmummy Thu 15-Nov-12 11:40:43

Plus the fact our car won't fit 6 people in!angry

redskyatnight Thu 15-Nov-12 11:48:31

Not unreasonable to want some me time.
However, also not unreasonable for DH not to want to take a 3 year old to watch a footie game (yes, I know you did it, but wouldn't you have preferred not to?)

Has he never looked after both children together? If so, he may be a little wary about doing it - possibly he finds it hard to relate to a young girl (I know my DH did). Have you spoken to him about it? If he's not feeling confident, maybe suggest taking the DC round to the park for half an hour to play in the playground or kick a ball about - build up small!

devonsmummy Thu 15-Nov-12 11:53:20

He had then both for 6 days whilst I went to visit my mum abroad. So he can do it.

It feels like He wants me to be accounted for every minute of the day.
I wanted to pop to supermarket on Sunday morning to do a mini shop (with no kids as its so much quicker)
He made a big thing about not taking dd with me and I ended up taking both of them !
Dd is no trouble at football, there are a few older girls that she plays with whilst the game is on.

DeWe Thu 15-Nov-12 11:56:43

I don't think he's unreasonable for not wanting to take a younger one to an older one's activity. To me that's a great thing about having dh around, not having to drag a reluctant younger one to wait around.

However it took dh some time to work out he could actually manage 2 dc at once. I think the revelation came when he said he couldn't take them both to something, and I looked at him hmm and asked how he thought I managed during the week. After that it was generally not a problem, and it was not a problem when dc3 came along either.

Will he have them both at home on his own? If not start by telling him you need to do some Christmas shopping. Bye, you'll be back in a couple of hours.

If he's happy at home, then produce something you need to do that he'd like that the dc need not to be there. Tell him to keep them out for about an hour and send them to the park. Or ask him to set off and you'll join him later. Don't leave him too long the first time, if he's worried, but build up time. It's confidence dh was lacking on having both, but once he'd found that he could manage them both he was very proud of himself and wanted to do it lots.

With all due respect i think you need to stand up for yourself a little more and not give him the option. Why is it ok for you to deal with them both but not him? I wouldn't ask if it's ok as you are setting yourself up for him saying no. What does he say if you ask him why he does this?

coppertop Thu 15-Nov-12 12:05:50

It sounds as though he thinks you are the nanny or something. He arranges for you to collect other people (while no doubt taking the credit for it), and decides when you should be looking after the children.

He's going to end up having a pretty rubbish relationship with his dd when she's old enough to realise for herself that Daddy only wants to do the fun stuff with her big brother and not her.

YerMaw1989 Thu 15-Nov-12 12:25:16

I would stand up to him a bit more,

you need to rest too.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 15-Nov-12 12:50:25

Hmmmm is he paranoid about things like you getting naked with other people?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 15-Nov-12 14:03:52

With regard to the supermarket top up shop situation, why didn't you just put your coat on and leave (without the kids)? He only does this because you let him. He needs to take more responsibility for his kids.

devonsmummy Thu 15-Nov-12 14:10:40

If I'd have just gone ihe would have been stroppy for the rest of the day & I had family coming over that I'd not seen for 4months so just did it to keep the peace!

Whoknowswhocares Thu 15-Nov-12 14:21:51

But surely you can see that caving in each time is creating this behaviour. He whines and you do what he wants!

DragonMamma Thu 15-Nov-12 14:47:35

YANBU but you need to put your foot down.

If you're going to do anything for a quiet life then he'll just carry on as he is.

My DH isn't brilliant at taking the kids out, he's fine if I go out and leave them together but he can't think up days out and so I end up doing it, packing bags and advising on problems etc. He finally gets that sometimes I just want to sit indoors and not go shopping or similar to get some time alone. I want to read a book or just watch a film in peace for once.

I adopt Kitty's tactic of just getting up and going for shopping. I don't enter in to a conversation about it and leave via the back door so the kids don't spot me leaving and ask to come...

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 15-Nov-12 17:26:38

If I'd have just gone ihe would have been stroppy for the rest of the day

So what? He'd be the one that looked a twat, not you.

so just did it to keep the peace!

^^This is where you're going wrong. Not that I'm saying this is your fault for a second, but you need to be the one with the backbone.

Kundry Thu 15-Nov-12 19:24:51

So he would have looked a twat in front of your family because he didn't want to look after his own children?

Let him strop, if he knows you mean business, he'll give up.

I love the idea of just putting your coat and shoes on and calling out from the front door " Just going to do some shopping" - you'll be gone before he realises what you've done!

AThingInYourLife Thu 15-Nov-12 19:31:02


Choose a pleasant life over a quiet one.

Stop letting him tell you what to do.

YerMaw1989 Fri 16-Nov-12 00:06:12

I feel your OP he sounds a total waste of space, why have 2 kids if you don't wanna look after them?.

cory Fri 16-Nov-12 09:04:39

So what if you didn't feel confident in handling two children at once? You'd still have to do it, wouldn't you? Nobody would let the mother off the hook if she didn't feel confident, would they? Or if she felt less confident with a child of the opposite sex? Don't enable this silly nonsense: if you can do it, the so can he.

devonsmummy Fri 16-Nov-12 09:57:00

Get this .... He's spoken to the mum who he offered a lift to and told her he'll take her son and she can stay home in the warm - what's the point standing there freezing if you don't have too!
Now that just really does take the piss!
Is he doing it so there's space in the car for me?
Or to show the world how marvellously generous he is!

coppertop Fri 16-Nov-12 10:06:00

So he's incapable of looking after two children at once but thinks it's okay to invite a third?

Yes, this is all about making himself look good. Other mum will tell everyone how wonderful your dh is for taking her ds and enabling her to stay home. Meanwhile as she's not actually there she won't see that it's actually you taking on the extra work.

It also makes it more difficult for you to stand your ground, as I can guarantee your dh will say, "Well in that case, none of us will go". You will then give in so as not to let the other boy's mum down.

He thinks he's being clever but he is very predictable.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Fri 16-Nov-12 13:18:44

He's doing it because he can. You let him.

Just take a good book, a flask of tea and sit in the car while the game is on so you can have a rest. He can look after both your kids and the other one he invited without your permission.

Or just don't go.

But surely it's not about whether he can handle both children?

The op has already said he has done it before.

It seems more that he doesn't want you to be on your own? You can't go shopping without at least one child, you cant stay home alone on your own.

Is he this controlling about everything or does he just not trust you to be on your own?

JackThePumpkinKing Fri 16-Nov-12 16:23:22

I think I'd be leaving early on Saturday for a day out with friends or something. Or plan something to do by yourself another time.

Tell him what you're doing (as long as he's not on call) and just go!

Yes but why does he think you need one of your children to constantly chaperone you, even on a trip to tesco?

devonsmummy Fri 16-Nov-12 20:09:13

He's not long been home & said to kids I'm gonna wake you at 7am tomorrow.
Why that early, I ask. What time are you meeting
9.30 his reply - they gaff around so much they need to get up at that time.
Then to dd
Do you want to come to football in the cold tomorrow or stay home with mummy?
Dd says stay at home!
Then 5 minutes later he tells me
Oh my mates coming over tomorrow night / we're off out - ok if he stays?

I just don't get it.

is he generally controlling?

MrsTomHardy Fri 16-Nov-12 20:11:09

Couldn't live like that, sorry

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 16-Nov-12 20:15:33

You are married to a selfish man.

Fairenuff Fri 16-Nov-12 20:21:24

I don't understand why he gets to decide what's happening with you and the kids all the time confused

Why don't you just tell him you want the some regular time to yourself without the children?

I'm not convinced that you want to change things tbh because that would require you to stand up to him and ignore his strops and childish sulking.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Fri 16-Nov-12 20:21:34

So you're looking after your DD while he takes your DS and someone else's child to football, then you are staying in with the kids while he has a night out, then no doubt you'll be waiting on him and his mate on Sunday morning because they'll be hungover as fuck.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? He sounds awful.

I'd suggest getting this thread moved to relationships, you'll get advice there from people who've been where you are.

carabos Fri 16-Nov-12 20:28:38

We know a few couples like this where between them they compete to see who can get away with doing the least with the DCs and each half of the couple does all they can to ensure that the other half doesn't get an opportunity to escape from childcare for a while.

In one couple, where the DW is the wage earner and the DH the SAHP, DW point blank refuses to be left with both DCs under any circumstances. She just won't do it. She will look after one or other of them on her own but only if there is absolutely no alternative.

I don't get it, but as I say IME it's not uncommon.

devonsmummy Sat 17-Nov-12 09:34:37

Just wrote a long post & it's not posted!
He's gone with all 3 but heavens have opened so probably be back soon

He said to dd this morning
Do you want to stay home with mummy ....... (big pause) or come footie
She said home.
I said no bloody wonder the way you asked her plus the way you asked her yesterday .
All I want is some me time! Which I NEVER get
He said what you ginna do with that time then
I said what does it matter?
He said well you'll probably go on the bloody iPad
So what?!?! Me time is for me to choose what I do!
Then he started with the... Don't try and make out i don't do Nything .. I work bloody hard.
Dd was then sick (sick bug earlier in week)
He let her be so k in kitchen sick then put tap in & say down .
I went and cleaned & disinfected sick rather huffily.
He said to dd you still coming football
Yes she said
Oh you'd. Better ask mummy
Putting the blame on me if she's sick again
Oh When the mum dropped off her son he said I'm taking them macdonalds after

JackThePumpkinKing Sat 17-Nov-12 09:38:44

Aw surely your DD can't go anywhere if she's been sick though?

He sounds like an arse

Why is he so concerned what you are doing with your free time?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 17-Nov-12 10:18:51

He just sounds so unpleasant!

We need a new microwave because ours has died. DH is dropping me off for my massage this afternoon and then going shopping for one and obviously taking both boys with him. That is a normal thing for a Dad and husband to do.

Jemma1111 Sat 17-Nov-12 10:28:41

Your H is a selfish, controlling twat!

You need to stand up to him otherwise he will always call the shots

Fairenuff Sat 17-Nov-12 10:29:34

Your dd should probably not have gone this time, just because she's ill. If she's sick again whilst they are out, he will use it as an excuse next time (as in, you made me take her when she was ill - making you out to the bad one). Also, she might pass on the virus to others. She wouldn't be allowed to go to school today, for example. And she would probably be more comfortable resting at home.

All that aside though, this seems to be more about him trying to control you. What's that all about? Why does he not like you going on the ipad?

Why is it always your dd who has to stay with you?

Jux Sat 17-Nov-12 11:28:03

How much time does he get to himself? Tell him all the times. Tell him how mcu time you get to yourself. Tell him you'll probably be shopping, cleaning etc in the time you get away from the children. Ask him how long his lunchbreaks are.

Don't just cave into him. If he's in a bad mood when people visit, just ignore him, especially if they're your family.

When we first moved here 7 years ago, dh used to drive back to London once a month to gig. He'd leave on Thursday, gig on Friday night, stay up all night with his mate, maybe gig again on Saturday or Sunday, drive back Monday. Sleep until Tuesday afternoon. After a few months of this, I pointed out to him that once he felt fit for human consumption on Tuesday evening, I expected a full 3 days off, sleeping in, not running about after dd, not shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing up, supervising homework etc.

Funnily enough he started leaving on Friday and returning on Sunday.

Whatnowffs Sat 17-Nov-12 11:31:01

One word - controlling

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Sat 17-Nov-12 11:33:27

YANBU, make plans, you should be able to have some kid free time too!

Startail Sat 17-Nov-12 11:34:52

Go out! Don't leave him any option, but to deal with both DCs.

Mintyy Sat 17-Nov-12 11:36:28

Does he get time alone without the children and when he's not working during the day?

Don't send your dd to football and to mix with other kids if she's just been sick!

devonsmummy Sat 17-Nov-12 14:19:25

DS came home excited that dad said he'd take him to the skate ramps later
DS just asked when they could go and 'd'h said I never said if take you!
DS - yes you did when we finished footie
DH - no I didn't
DS looks pleadingly at me
DH - dont look at her .. You're just trying to get me in trouble with her again. If u said it I'd do it.
All I said was we'd see what the weather was like
(it's not raining)
DH then in a raised voice - I never said it , always trying to get me in trouble! Slammed living room door, stomped upstairs, slammed bedroom door!
I know it's not normal behaviour ... My poor DS just looked at me confused.sad

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 17-Nov-12 14:41:09

Why are you tolerating this behaviour from him?

He is using your kids to score points with you in this stupid battle you have got yourselves into. You obviously don't even like each other, so why aren't you separating?

devonsmummy Sat 17-Nov-12 14:49:44

Don't want a screaming match in front of the kids.... Hoping to last til Xmas

devonsmummy Sat 17-Nov-12 14:50:33

Scared of what happens next .. Where will we live, how will we survive?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 17-Nov-12 15:00:19

I would go and see a solicitor for half an hour to get an idea of what you might be entitled to. Do you have info on your finances etc?

A call to the CAB to ask about what benefits you would get would be a good starting point too.

Make your plans and be informed. You don't want him to catch you on the hop by suddenly announcing he is leaving and you not knowing where to turn.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 17-Nov-12 17:05:45

Oh my god, he's actually gaslighting his own son sad. What a shitty thing to do. Get this thread moved to relationships and start to make plans to leave this abusive, manipulative twat. Why wait till Christmas? Get him to leave, now.

devonsmummy Sat 17-Nov-12 17:43:40

How do I get it moved?
What's gas lighting?

Fairenuff Sat 17-Nov-12 19:23:01

Report it to HQ by hitting the 'report' button and ask them to move it to relationships.

Don't panic, there is a lot of really good advice and people can help you through it, step by step.

Keep posting for emotional support too x

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 17-Nov-12 21:26:44

This explains about gaslighting, OP.

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