To give do half of this money?

(102 Posts)
moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 07:45:29

I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed for this but anyway...

I started a uni course in September and applied for my bursary and help towards my child care costs. It's nursing so the bursary's quite good. Anyway, the child care help has just been sorted out and the payments have been back dated. Dp and I split the nursery fees. Should I give him half of the back dated payment (where it will be spent on nights out and other shit) or keep it for myself (and buy cheap, much needed winter boots and christmas presents)? He earns almost double what I do and we split all the bills for the house equally.

Obviously when it's time to pay the nursery I'll split the left over amount so we both pay the same.

Xroads Thu 15-Nov-12 07:48:42

In our house all money is both ours, are you still together or not? If not keep the money if you are together than you should still buy the stuff needed and not waste it hth

Svrider Thu 15-Nov-12 07:49:06

I have to ask why you split bills in half when he earns more than you??
Why are you desperate for a coat when he is spending money on going out??
This is financial abuse

In answer to your question, keep the money, but you need a re think on your finances

Is he an arse in other ways?
Does he know you are struggling for money?

ILikeToNameChange Thu 15-Nov-12 07:50:33

I echo everything Svrider says ^

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 07:50:43

We're still together but our money is very much separate, it's not the way I would like it but Dp is a bit of an arse when it comes to money. He sees it as his and mine.

OddBoots Thu 15-Nov-12 07:51:19

Put the back-dated money to one side for next time it is due as it might be late again so it is sensible to have a reserve, sort out the dividing up once the course is done.

Inebriatededna Thu 15-Nov-12 07:51:35

YNBU keep it and enjoy !

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 07:53:28

I do try and get through to him about finances but he just won't listen. He's terrible with money so I sometimes think I'm better off just sticking to what we do just now. In an ideal world he wouldn't buy crap and go out so much and we would have the same amount each left over after bills so its fair.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 07:55:36

I'm just heading to uni so if I won't be able to reply straight away, I'm not being rude.

Nagoo Thu 15-Nov-12 07:57:26

his and yours makes the money yours.

Keep it.

Is it his baby?

valiumredhead Thu 15-Nov-12 07:58:16

He earns double but you split bills equally? That's crap.

ihavenofuckingclue Thu 15-Nov-12 07:58:25

I would keep it.

However I would not put up with a dp that was so selfish.

tbh its more like having a housemate than a partner.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 07:58:34

Yep ds is his.

What a selfish twit.

The way I'd see it: the nursery still costs the same, x amount. You each pay half. You (note 'you' not 'him') have been given a bursary now. It's your money.

But, mainly, what a selfish person he seems to be.

MammaTJ Thu 15-Nov-12 08:21:52

Keep it!!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 15-Nov-12 08:23:50

Normally I would say you should both have equal access to the money, but if your dp is being an arse, then keep it.

MunchMunch Thu 15-Nov-12 08:38:22

You keep it for yourself.

I've never understood how people can live with separate finances when living as a family. My db is financially abused by his dp and its so hard to see. She is nasty and mean in other ways and I really can't see why they are together as they have nothing in common (apart from their dd) and I've never seen any affection between them, I'm not talking get a room type of affection but a quick peck on the cheek, hold hands, arm around each other type of thing. In fact the closest I've ever seen them is sitting in the car together and then she often sits in the back. confused

Sorry for the rant but I've been dying to say it "out loud" instead of screaming it in my head. grin

I see this time & time again, I don't understand it. His money, my money, when you have DCs?

As soon as children are involved it becomes 'your money' - family money, everyone has equal access.

In fact, even before DCs, marriage, relationships - you share a life - you have financial parity - if not - where's the relationship?

What a nobber.

Really.

DH is my second husband, I came into my relationship with him with substantial assets, no DCs, he was earning bugger all when I met him, now I don't work, SAHM, he earns a hefty whack. It's always been a communal pot, absolutely no question.

Why would it be any different?

Unless you have inherent distrust.

Isityouorme Thu 15-Nov-12 09:24:49

Keep it ..... What an arse your DH is.

redskyatnight Thu 15-Nov-12 09:35:41

If your agreement with DP is to split the bills, then I think you should split the bursary.

However, as PPs have said, I think your financial agreement is very unfair and odd. I think your priority is to sort that out first and then the bursary money will sort itself out. If you'd had a more "usual" agreement where you both contributed to bills proportional to your salaries, or money went in one pot, this would be a non-question.

Collaborate Thu 15-Nov-12 09:47:36

The bursary is your income, whether it's earmarked for nursery or not. He's agreeed to pay half. He still has more disposable income than you. Keep it.

fedupofnamechanging Thu 15-Nov-12 09:55:52

I say keep the money and lose the 'd'p!

If there's one thing that pisses me off even more than unfaithful men, it's tight ones, who will see their partner struggle to pay for winter boots, while spending their cash on piss ups!

GobTheGoblin Thu 15-Nov-12 09:58:05

Keep it, your DP is an arse for all the above mentioned reasons.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 12:11:34

Thank you for all the replies. I've decided against telling him about the money. At the end of the day it isn't to help him pay for anything, it's for me as a student. I'm being nice by not just deducting the additional support from my half of the nursery fees so we can both pay a bit less.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 12:12:14

And I really need new boots, my feet are freezing and soaking in my tatty converse!

ClippedPhoenix Thu 15-Nov-12 12:15:36

Keep it yourself and start what I call another purse OP, you'll need it in a few years to get away from the selfish arse.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 12:17:33

I think you might be right Phoenix. I love him but its getting harder every day.

poopnscoop Thu 15-Nov-12 12:21:01

We don't have kids even... and it's always been OUR money... been married over a decade. I cannot for the life of me understand why couples see money as separate within the same household. Very strange...

ClippedPhoenix Thu 15-Nov-12 12:21:30

Oh honey, time to think of you and your child isn't it. You know what he is and where it will lead. Get your studies under your belt and save your pennies. I'ts quite ideal in a lot of ways as he won't know what you're saving.

redexpat Thu 15-Nov-12 12:22:15

I call it a running away account.

Spatsky Thu 15-Nov-12 12:25:01

Well in this house all money is shared money so would not an issue but if your husband wants to play it that his is his and yours is yours then this is yours to do with as you please.

MsElleTow Thu 15-Nov-12 12:26:45

Keep it for yourself and still ask for "his half" towards Christmas!

I couldn't be arsed with all this his money/my money crap. It's OUR money in our relationship.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 12:34:35

Yeah I know it's weird. I would much rather have 'our' money. I'm just not going to mention the back dated payment at all. He asked if it would be back dated and I said probably not but it has been.

Inertia Thu 15-Nov-12 13:24:09

Why would you refund DP for the nursery costs anyway ? He has equal responsibility for the care of your child ; it isn't solely your cost to meet. You shouldn't be fully responsible for presents either.

Sounds like you might need access to emergency money at some point, is your DP is financially abusive.

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 13:42:00

No, keep it, and from now on, your DD's nursery costs are a bill you split 50/50 - if you get your 50% from your bursery, that's great, he only needs to know what the bill is and that you need 50% of it. Then if your bursery means you get more than your 50% covered, that's your income to hold on to, I agree with ClippedPheonix - you should save as much as you can in case you need an "oh fuck" fund to get away from this man.

He should also pay for half the christmas gifts for your DD, rather than try to get him to give you the money back, you'd be better off asking him to order it on line and give him half the money.

Buy cheapish boots so you can keep as much as possible.

CremeEggThief Thu 15-Nov-12 13:51:17

Please keep it. You NEED it. He will just WASTE it from the sound of it.

Mousefunk Thu 15-Nov-12 15:38:03

Its a no brainer really..If he sees money as yours and his then you keep the money because it is yours.. Play him at his own lousy game.

Its so so very silly how selfish people get over money. Its just frigging paper and yet it can be the be all and end all for some people... Way I see it is you are a partnership and it doesn't matter who earns what or even if one doesn't earn anything. That money should all go into one pot, bills are paid, food is bought and then whatever is left should be used for whatever else (be it days out, presents, clothes etc). End of story, simple. Money shouldn't even be discussed, it should just be there to spend on what is needed or even wanted. So long as you're not spending beyond your means then no problem.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 20:45:21

I'm going to start building up a 'get away' fund. If things improve and I never need to use it then fab, it's not going to harm anyone and at least I've got myself covered.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 21:17:47

Well I just tried to talk about the difference in earnings with him and it ended with a fight. He says he has more expenses than me (this is true, he has a car and i don't) but that's his choice to drive, he could easily use public transport. Apparently I should be helping to pay for his car? 1) I don't drive. 2) His old car way paid off and he chose himself to get a bigger, more expensive car and I said I didn't think he should. But apparently I get lifts ( one a week where he picks me up from my parents after his work which is on the way)

I'm def getting a savings fund started. I don't think I can take much more.

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 21:21:46

Yes, don't discuss what you get from your bursery. There's no need for him to know if he wants you to keep your finances separate. If the agreement is you pay 50% of all bills each then stick to that.

Unfortunately, attitudes to money is one of the biggest 'deal breakers' for many couples.

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 21:22:34

take the car money out of his wages and then % the bills accordingly to how much you both earn, after the car is taken out of his wages.

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 21:24:15

TBH though if he is going to do you over on money do you want to then try and do him over with money and stay in a relationship where you think and act and then behave in this way?

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 21:30:04

What do you mean by behave in this way? By not giving him half of the backdated payment of my child care help that I get through the student loan company?

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 21:35:33

well you are keeping money secret and building a getting away find in case you need it to do a runner - that sort of behaviour.

I get the impression you don't want to behave that way?

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 21:42:51

I don't but it's a sense able idea. Hopefully I would never have to use it and I'll manage to reach some sort of compromise about everything but if I'm honest with myself and mumsnet I'm not going to hold my breath. I wouldn't be doing a runner, they money would be for a deposit for a place of my own near by to him for ds.

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 21:43:11

I think it makes sense to be a bit sneeky with money to build up a reserve of cash when you are in a vunerable position with a man who at best is tight, at worst, financially abusive. If you aren't ready to leave, but think you might be in the future and have a child, it makes perfect sense to build up some reserves for yourself. If things start to improve, then there is nothing wrong with telling him you have your own savings - however any man who insists that 'his money is his, your money is yours' can hardly complain that you've kept the amount you have coming in to yourself and that you've built up savings without informing him.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 21:43:31

Sorry for the spelling/grammar mistakes. Bloody autocorrect!

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 21:45:26

Also, do you know for certain what his level of savings are? does he have any? would you know?

It does'nt sound like he's the sort of bloke who would be decent enough to continue to cover all the bills once your relationship broke down until you'd got yourself back on your feet, that being the case, you might need access to a couple of grand.

If things improve, then great, you have some savings for the future.

morethanpotatoprints Thu 15-Nov-12 21:47:18

OMG.

I have just realised how lucky I am. Sorry OP and others don't mean to gloat but used to think I wasn't.

Since ds1 came along (now 21), dh has worked and I am sahm. All the money is ours except tax credits, cb, and half dhs salary, which are mine.
He pays all the household bills, I pay for shopping, clothes, entertainment and dds activities.
If he was bad with money I would be putting my foot down and managing it all tbh, as obviously this is important when you have dc.
I know its each to their own but I can't do with his and hers money tbh, and don't understand half childcare each. It doesn't matter who pays for it if you are a partnership, to me anyway. Its still the same cost every month.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 21:49:28

He needs to pay half fees and the deduction come purely from your half!

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 21:52:14

As far as I know he doesn't have savings. He broke down a few months ago because he had spent them. Probably for nights out, the bookies and other crap because his wages more than cover his expenses. I could be wrong though, it wouldn't surprise me if he had a small fortune and isn't telling me. I can't even think of a reason for the way he is.

Should I be contributing to his car? I don't even have a license!

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 21:54:33

No, you shouldn't be paying for the car - I would suggest if he says that again, tell him you can't afford to run his car, so you'll go without the lifts and he can get rid of the car and use public transport if he can't afford to run it.

Narked Thu 15-Nov-12 21:55:18

Some people choose to keep their finances separate. Those that do tend to split bills according to who earns what. If he earns almost double what you do, his contribution to the bills should be almost double what yours is.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 21:55:34

The his and hers thing isn't my choice. If I had it my way all money would be pooled together, bills taken out, some put into a savings account, food and clothes for ds etc and the rest split equally as our 'spending on ourselves money'.

McChristmasPants2012 Thu 15-Nov-12 21:56:16

did you work before uni ( if so this applys)

how much money have you saved by doing all the childcare for free.

CaliforniaLeaving Thu 15-Nov-12 21:57:18

It's called financial abuse. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
I second (of fifth) the idea of starting an exit fund savings for yourself. Don't go into debt to pay for anything for him and make him pay his fair share of Christmas, birthdays and clothes shopping for your DS. He sounds awful.

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:06:46

Hopefully I would never have to use it

thats not the point though, it is the fact you are thinking about doing it, possibly will do it

what does that say about who you are becoming - do you want this person to change who you are? Are you going to allow this person to change how you behave?

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:09:27

I worked part time after having ds until I started. I could work now but I'm at uni 5 days a week and only have 2 proper days with ds. I have been looking at bank work though so I can chose when I work and don't miss out terribly from ds.

It isn't all the child care that's paid for. It costs £330 a month for him to be in 2 days a week and I've just started getting £100 pm towards paying for this.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:10:40

Then he should still be paying at least half, if he earns twice as much.

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 22:12:05

ivykaty44 - do you think the advise is wrong to save in case she does decide to call it a day? You say "changing who you are" like planning an exit when you have a child is a bad thing, it might not be that the OP has planned before leaving a relationship before, but when you have DCs, you can't just walk away and sleep on someone else's sofa for a couple of weeks while you sort yourself out, you need to have sorted it out first so you don't screw up your DCs.

That's not a bad thing, that's being a grown up with responsibilties.

And there is nothing wrong with any woman, not matter how secure her relationship is, in making sure that she has some money set aside incase her DP turns out to be not quite so "D" - especially when the woman isn't the major breadwinner.

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:13:49

If you are going to save an exit fund then surely your relationship is over?

McChristmasPants2012 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:14:42

i would say he should pay for it all.

he should be supporting you in becoming a nurse.

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 22:18:30

Not really, an exit fund can also be a 'plan B' - and having a plan B might give you the confidence to insist on plan A (something changes or I leave) without it sounding like an empty threat. sometimes it good to have options even if you don't use them. Just knowing you have options is often enough.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:19:52

You should both have the same spending money each and all left goes into the family pot.

It's totally unfair.

For a starter though keep this money.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:20:39

It isn't over. I don't want things to be over, I just want things to improve and him to stop being a tossed with money. The exit fund would be to make sure that I would be ok if things go more tits up and I decide to leave or even if he decided he didn't want to be with my anymore for whatever reason. I think it's a very sensible idea and I don't know why I didn't think of it. Mumsnet can be amazing sometimes.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 15-Nov-12 22:20:52

I'm another one saying exit fund is needed.

Given that you split all bills 50/50 but income isant 50/50 he clearly does not give a fuck about his higher income by the same slandered if your income increases it shouldn't matter to him, so the bursary is yours not his and the bills should remain 50/50 as per his insistence he doesn't get to reduce his outgoings because your income increases just as you don't under his arrangement.

The childcare bit of your bursary should reduce your childcare costs not his,and that's using his rules.

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:21:04

Plan b is the same as an exit fund, if you know what you have up your sleeve and he doesn't then it is deceitful and a decent relationship is not built on deceit.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:21:41

Exit fund.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:21:58

aaaaggghhh this phone is really getting on my last nerve.

Iodine Thu 15-Nov-12 22:23:18

No! Keep the money. It's meant to make your life easier as a student. It's not for your partner to piss up the wall on nights out.

You need to think of yourself and DS. I think you're doing the right thing by making an escape fund.

whois Thu 15-Nov-12 22:24:55

I echo everything Svrider says

As do I

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:25:43

I don't think it's deceitful. It's just savings.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:28:13

It's savings and you ate doing the right thing !

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:29:16

if it is just savings then will you tell him you have savings?

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:30:12

I wouldn't tell him. His choice to have separate finances so it would be none of his business.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:30:41

Why would she though?

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:31:17

Exactly.

You need to sort this out though ongoing op.

expatinscotland Thu 15-Nov-12 22:31:48

You don't have money for cheap boots and a winter coat and he blows money on bookies and nights out?

This person is financially abusive. He will never change or get better.

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:34:58

you wouldn't tell him about savings as he wouldn't tell you, which means you behave as he dictates and not how you would behave if given the choice to behave as you wish

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:36:52

You maybe have a point ivy but I'm looking at it like I'm playing him at his own game.

I think I'm starting to see that expat but I'm hoping that he does change.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:37:12

She is loath to tell him because he would waste it. He is not being great here is he.

She shouldn't be worrying about moral scruples and should be making sure she has a bit if savings in her own name.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 15-Nov-12 22:37:31

Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence an exit fund and plan to use if needed is essential anybody who says having one just incase you need to run is wrong is a twat

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:37:38

Have you had serious words about it moo?

expatinscotland Thu 15-Nov-12 22:39:26

You are wasting your energy, moo. He won't change.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:40:35

Well no probably not. Just thinking if she's never even mentioned it it will be worth doing.

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:41:54

no good will come of playing games, especially playing a game someone has been playing for longer than you sad

off to my bed now

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:42:26

I try but it's impossible to have a serious talk with him, he either doesn't want to talk about it or genuinely thinks everything's fine. We usually just end up arguing though with him bringing up that I get lifts, which I don't really, and should be helping to pay for the car.

expatinscotland Thu 15-Nov-12 22:43:56

And you're hoping he'll change?! Newsflash: don't pay for his fucking car and then get out of there so you're not paying for his nights out and bets while you go around with no winter boots.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 15-Nov-12 22:47:10

Of course everything is fine. for him

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:49:11

Yes of course everything is fine. He is getting a very very easy ride financially and leaving you short.

If your not ready to do anything at least start putting some money aside. Then when the shit hits the fan you at least hacks a little but of security.

expatinscotland Thu 15-Nov-12 22:50:58

And when you need a lift, ring a taxi or a friend.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:51:54

I won't be paying for the car. Everyone has it spot on.

I'm 100% getting my fund started. I already have an empty savings account so I won't have any hassle. I know I'm going to have to use it.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:54:27

The thing is I don't ever get lifts really, only if I've been at my mums and he picks me up on his way home from work which is on the way. I was horrendously sick at uni last week and I got the train home because I didn't want to put him out. Occasionally he takes me to tesco. What he says is ridiculous.

expatinscotland Thu 15-Nov-12 22:54:50

Next time he pressures you about the car, say no.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:57:13

I haven't given him anything for it. I can't afford to and wouldn't anyway.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 23:08:50

I think when you have a bit of money put by you may well have more confidence to sort this out..

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 15-Nov-12 23:25:06

Out of interest at Tesco do you buy stuff that he uses?

BonzoDooDah Thu 15-Nov-12 23:40:16

Moopoint this sounds a bit horrid and I'm glad you are starting a savings fund. For whatever you need - is good to have some financial security and you're not getting it from him.

By the way - this bursry is YOURS. It is part of YOUR earnings. So why are you taking it off both of your share of the childcare?
Your DP hasn't taken more off "your" half because he earns more so you should be putting the whole bursary - not just the back pay - into YOUR account and continuing the half bills (if that's the way it goes).

He can't have it both ways - he earns more than you but splits the bills half. But when you get more you give him half of it? Can you not see this is grossly unfair?

McChristmasPants2012 Thu 15-Nov-12 23:59:13

i hope i dont speak out of line here.

my DH even in the early days of or relationship wouldn't take a penny off me for lifts. He wanted to make sure i was safe home.

You are better off without him.

allagory Fri 16-Nov-12 00:10:55

You should see the bursary as your earnings. He is not entitled to it because he does not do the course. In the same way that you are not entitled to his wages so he is not entitled to your bursary.

I hope you also divide all your work in the house equally. If not you should be issuing invoices.

moopoint Fri 16-Nov-12 17:50:23

Thank you for all your replies. We don't really share house duties either but tbh it doesn't bother me. I quite like having a proper clean, it's therapeutic. How sad!

You have all been really helpful with your suggestions and brought a few well needed home truths to my attention. Thank you so much.

BonzoDooDah Tue 20-Nov-12 15:04:10

Ah good luck sorting this one out.
Sounds like more than the money needs sorting.
If you need to chat more keep here!

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