AIBU to expect condolences

(91 Posts)
spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 00:28:45

I informed my longish distance fiance my grandfather died today..i fully expected him to call on his lunch break. We habitually text throughout the day. He said i should have asked him to call. This eve a text to say hope you're ok and his phone is not working well...then when i eventually email and he replies i say i had expected him to call or get in touch somehow as i certainly would have if his grandmother had died..the blame is mine. He says i am being out of order to make him feel guilty and i know he is there if i need him.

whois Thu 15-Nov-12 01:22:16

YABU he's not a mind reader. If you wanted to talk you could have ring him. Honestly, you can't get pissy for someone for not knowing exactly what you were thinking.

MakeItALarge Thu 15-Nov-12 01:46:47

I dont think youre being unreasonable to be a bit pissed off, sounds like he was just being a bit thoughtless and is trying to shift the blame rather than apologise! Most people would be upset if a grandparent died.

Sorry for your loss Spirited

toofattorun Thu 15-Nov-12 07:25:47

My condolences to you on your grandfather passing away. thanks

He has got the unbelievable cheek of saying your making him feel guilty. Hello?? Your poor grandfather has just passed away and he thinks your out of order? How about a little compassion from him and actually just accepting that he was wrong not to call (even if he thought he was right) and just trying to be there for you. YANBU.

CailinDana Thu 15-Nov-12 08:05:49

Well you could have called him, but I get where you're coming from, and under the circumstances the only kind response from him would be "I'm sorry, would you like to talk about it?" Even if he feels guilty telling you that when you're upset isn't very kind.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 08:15:31

I would expect a call immediately to show support and see how you're feeling. It's called caring about the other person!

Do you not believe him when he says that his phone wasn't working properly? You say that you normally text each other through the day, so did thta happen and he didn't mention your loss or di dyou not have any "usual" contact? I'd like to think that he would have called but you could have called him if you really wanted to chat. Unfortunately men don't always think like we do, I know that my DH would ring me if he had time but we've been together a long time now and when we were first together (probably for about 5 years!) he wouldn't have realised that it was important to me because it wouldn't have been to him.

Yes, I can see why you might be pissed off but people respond in different ways. I wonder what age you and your fiance are, because I have noticed these days that people under a certain age seem to text constantly and hardly ever pick up the phone and speak.

How did you inform him of your grandfather's death? Did you ring him and leave a voicemail if he didn't answer your phone? It is often the case that if you text someone about something, they will simply text back. If they receive a voicemail, they will ring. They tend to respond to the message in the format it was sent, basing its importance on that (ie, if it was important, you'd ring me).

Not saying it's right, but I see it all the time.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 08:59:36

I Texted the news because he was working but pretty often he calls at lunch to de stress about work stuff. He did text in the day, usual flirty stuff and when i didn't respond in kind but said i was surprised he hadn't called he got defensive then said his phone was broke. Eventually i fb messaged him and he said i could have called him if i needed him and was out of order to make him feel bad. I apologised and since he has ignored me. I do feel bad for making him feel guilty. He can't do guilt. But tbh he hasn't even asked how he died or if my parents or children are ok. Guess everyone is different but i would have called at earliest opportunity. Even a text saying i was in his thoughts would have meant a lot. I know now he will go on about how out of order i was until i make him feel better about himself.

Katisha Thu 15-Nov-12 09:02:12

"he can't do guilt"? Hmmm.

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 09:08:02

he sounds really self centred.

He calls you when he needs to vent. He calls you to flirt. You're making him feel guilty...

It's all about him.

Someone who cares about you - thinks about you.

If I loved someone and someone they loved had just died, I would be there for them. If I couldn't be there physically, I would call them, let them know that I was thinking of them.

It's what you do for someone who matters to you.

He is not demonstrating that you matter to him.

I just can't believe you apologised to him. your grandfather has just died. You are upset. He doesn't see if you're ok, say sorry for your loss, be there for you to talk to, or do anything that demonstrates he cares you're in pain. He does however send you flirty messages hmm and when you tell him you're upset that he isn't showing he understands you're upset because you've lost someone - he's cross with you for making him feel bad, he doesn't appreciate being 'made' to feel guilty, he starts to ignore you...

... and you apologise!

You didn't owe him an apology. you really didn't.

Shakirasma Thu 15-Nov-12 09:16:22


Do not marry this man, judging by your subsequent post I think he is intrinsically selfish and will never be able to give you what you need and deserve emotionally.

I am vey sorry for your loss OP x

Noren Thu 15-Nov-12 09:20:25

He seems incredibly lacking in empathy. Maybe you should assess whether he is really a good candidate for being your husband.

Isityouorme Thu 15-Nov-12 09:22:14

I agree with Hecate and shak .... He is a twat and selfish and this would be a deal breaker in the relationship. Bye bye crap boyfriend!

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 09:26:18

Thanks for your condolences all x

justmyview Thu 15-Nov-12 09:27:42

Sorry about your grandfather.

Re your fiance, I can understand him not calling you (he's not a mindreader), but when he realised that you would have appreciated a call, he shouldn't have gone all defensive. He should have been sympathetic.

I apologised and since he has ignored me. I do feel bad for making him feel guilty. He can't do guilt.

I'm cross on your behalf about this - you ended up apologising to him? That's not right. Sounds like you're trying very hard to keep the peace, at any cost. That's not healthy. Relationships should be 2 way.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 09:29:16

I should say that when i told him if your Gran died i would have called asap. That's when he said i was out of order and i should know he is there for me 24 7. Was i harsh. Be honest smile

Yes, now we have more info from you OP, I have no hesitation in declaring him a selfish twat and suggest you strongly consider making the post of fiance vacant and, in due course of time, finding a better candidate for the position.

I was a bit surprised at you having a long distance fiance, to be honest. I'd be more inclined to wait until you've spent a lot of time much closer together before going for that commitment.

Very sorry for the loss of your grandfather. I shall not be sorry to hear you've kicked him into touch and got rid.

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 09:34:29

I don't think so.

You shouldn't have to ASK someone who supposedly loves you to be there for you when you've suffered a bereavement. They should WANT to be there and they should know that you will need them to show it. They should not wait for you to ask for them. hmm

He wasn't there for you. He did nothing. Telling you that you should have asked him to call is shit. Responding to a request to show that you care is not the same thing as showing that you care. - He would have been there for you if you asked is not 'being there for you. Being there for you requires thought and effort on his part - which he did not demonstrate.

Asking someone to show that they are 'there for you' renders anything they do from that point on totally meaningless.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 09:34:32


Selfish cunt!

You've suffered a bereavement and are worried about him feeling bad? Sack him off pronto angry

I hope you and your family are ok thanks

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 09:36:45

He moved away for work temporarily. Now i am resisting the urge to ask if he accepts my apology. Hate this sort of thing hanging over the day.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 09:38:30

Thanks all x

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 15-Nov-12 09:39:33

Hi op

Sorry for your loss too, I dont doubt however that he has made that loss a little bit worse if poss because of his behaviour and attitude. I too am gobsmacked at the arsehole attitude he has given you, and will expect a post from you further on down the rd in relationships stating his failings after marriage.

A loss can help/make you re evaluate things in your life, may I suggest he is at the top of the list. he has managed to make this all about him, instead of your grief, sorry too hear this. all the best

HullyEastergully Thu 15-Nov-12 09:39:48

selfish ol arse

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 09:40:04

He moved away for work temporarily. Now i am resisting the urge to ask if he accepts my apology. Hate this sort of thing hanging over the day.

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 09:40:50

So he's behaved badly and you're going to grovel around him until he forgives you?

Pleeeeeeeeease darling, I'm so sorry that I wanted you to show you care, forgive me...

Please don't, Spirited, please don't.

Iactuallydothinkso Thu 15-Nov-12 09:41:42

Don't text him back.

The previous posters are right here. Let him come to you now. If he doesn't then how will your marriage work really? Big issues come up especially as we all get older and this man doesn't seem like he is there for you when you need him and worse still, you're making excuses for it.

No need for a rant or to have a go. Just play it quiet, deal with your own stuff and I'm sure there's a lot of that right now and see what he does. Think of it as a marriage test. Think of how he will deal with things in the future. This is a good indicator. I hate that that sounds flippant.

I am sorry for your loss.

Spirited - you shouldn't even have apologised, why the hell should you be asking if he accepts it? Wrong on so many levels.

Inadeeptrance Thu 15-Nov-12 09:42:42

You have just lost your grandad and he's making you apologise to him for being upset that he didn't care enough to call you?!

angry on your behalf, OP. Please don't text him to ask if he accepts your apology, HE should be apologising to YOU.

Don't you dare apologise angry I am so very sorry for your loss. This man will put himself first always. Don't put yourself second.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 09:48:51

Please don't abase yourself further. Any respectful, decent, loving partner would be apologising to you for such a monumental cock up.

Let the sword of Damocles hang over his head for once - he's telling you (with mn translating) exactly how he sees you and it ain't good sad

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 09:49:20

Great advice. . I am old enough and have made enough stupid mistakes of this type to know better. How dare i have needs and have the audacity to express them! Thanks folks x

JessieMcJessie Thu 15-Nov-12 10:06:31

Sorry for your loss.

Big Red flag at "phone not working". The classic lying excuse of a bloke who can't be arsed calling. Funny how phones always work fine when they want something (especially a booty call). Think hard before you marry him.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 10:11:58

Hurrah, spirited, that's better - self respect!

Going on from what Jessie said, can he not use the work phone or find 20p for a call box? I've never met a boss who, if i said "my partner's granddad died, i need to call home" wouldn't make it happen!

WaitingForMe Thu 15-Nov-12 10:16:25

I'm so sorry for your loss and you aren't being the slightest bit unreasonable.

There is no excuse not to call even if his mobile wasn't working - I find it hard to imagine many bosses refusing the use of the office phone/employee leaving to use a pay phone during lunchtime if they've just found out their fiancées grandfather has died and they want to speak to her!

AThingInYourLife Thu 15-Nov-12 10:19:36

Don't marry this man.

Of course he should have called.

spoonsspoonsspoons Thu 15-Nov-12 10:25:37

Our work policy doesn't even class your own grandparents as close relatives so making calls at work because somebody else's grandparent has died would raise eyebrows.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 10:39:20

Re. Phone call. . He often calls at lunch to pass the time of day. Wanders town for an hour so wasn't a question of being able. Wasn't till evening he said his phone was broke. . So surprised at your work policy. That's harsh.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 10:41:03

Spoons, even if it was for approximately the same amount of time as, ooh, boiling the kettle, using the loo and/or smoking a fag?

We're not talking compassionate paid leave for the funeral here

ClippedPhoenix Thu 15-Nov-12 10:42:22

It seems to me that he often calls when it pleases him doesn't he OP. When he has nothing better to do etc. You ask for a bit of empathy and it's not there. It's all on his terms and he's a selfish arse OP.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 10:44:46

Yep. . And he was merrily posting away on fb all the while. Via mobile

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 10:48:57

When you read this thread back - what do you think?

Can you see what we see?

snuffaluffagus Thu 15-Nov-12 10:55:59

I'm so sorry about your Grandad.

Your financee definately should have called you.. and him not talking to you for this, when your grief is so raw is monumentally immature and selfish. He has expressed him annoyance but now you need support, which he is STILL not giving you... no excuse.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 11:01:26

Yeah. . Guess i can sad Absolutely being ignored as we always text to say good morning. I haven't Texted either. And no response to apology i made last night. I will update if a lovely gesture is forth coming ;))

toofattorun Thu 15-Nov-12 11:26:57

I am sorry but are you sure you want to marry this fucktard?

HellonHeels Thu 15-Nov-12 11:47:35

Did I read right that he sent 'flirty texts' to you during the day but couldn't acknowledge your loss?

He doesn't sound nice at all.

So sorry about your grandfather OP xxx

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 12:24:28

Well. . I got a response to my apology. It says i know you were upset but you were well out of Order. . .

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 12:28:33

WTAF?????? angry

toofattorun Thu 15-Nov-12 12:36:23

Well his upset FAR outweighs your hurting. Selfish cunt. Don't be a doormat.

HellonHeels Thu 15-Nov-12 12:37:43

Oh dear he's just confirmed himself as a tool. I'm so sorry OP you deserve a lot better than this. sad

Sometimes it takes a crisis situation to reveal someone as they really are.

How do you feel about him and the relationship now?

ClippedPhoenix Thu 15-Nov-12 12:39:07

Isn't this telling you loud and clear now what a selfish a-hole he is? I'd tell him to fuck off in no uncertain terms OP, really I would.

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 12:52:22

he is a twat.

I really wish you hadn't apologised. You've just allowed him to think that you were wrong. When you weren't.

tbh, I'd be texting back and saying actually, I wasn't wrong. You were. I take back my apology. My grandad died and you don't give a shit. Go fuck yourself. I'm done with you.

Don't marry him.

And..."fucktard" is not on.

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 12:53:14

Yeah, you've only had your grandad die. HE'S got the pain and agony of you telling him you're unhappy that he doesn't seem to want to support you.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 12:53:51

Suggested response:

"What do you mean, were? I still am. Don't bother contacting me until you've grown up enough to act like a decent human being. In the meantime, your possessions will be sent to <friend or relative> for you to collect. I expect similar arrangements to be made for mine, including all copies of keys to the house"

Katisha Thu 15-Nov-12 12:59:35

Don't be tempted to back down to keep the peace. If you do this he will think his attitude is acceptable. Have you had other incidents like this - you say he "doesn't do guilt..."?

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 13:17:46

well, he reckons that by telling him he should have got in touch cos i would that i am making him out to be a psychopath. i went out of my way to make him feel as terrible as i possibly could. hence he doesn't accept my apology. . . maybe, if the psychopath cap fits. . .

ClippedPhoenix Thu 15-Nov-12 13:24:53

It's because you've called him on his shit behaviour OP so he's now trying to turn it all round as these types do.

Katisha Thu 15-Nov-12 13:29:06

And his chief concern at this time of your bereavement is how HE feels ...and making you feel worse.

Spirited - if you don't give this cretin his marching orders after that text of you being out of order, I will come round and bang on your door until you do. Seriously. The only adequate response to him is as Hecate said.

toofattorun Thu 15-Nov-12 13:55:46

rockinastocking Apologies, I didn't mean to offend. I shan't be saying that word again.

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 13:59:06

If you marry him, do so understanding fully that you are in for a lifetime of this.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 15-Nov-12 14:02:53

Well this is my first LEAVE THE BASTARD for a few months..

But well worth dusting off.. Sorry op for all this on top of your loss, he really is digging his own grave here. May I suggest a cathartic new post in relationships?
list any other behaviour points you might not have found troubling in the past and we will send the girls round talk you through the finer points of spotting the fuck wit.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 15-Nov-12 14:04:16

As a wedding present, I shall be gifting you a life time subscription to NM

BegoniaBampot Thu 15-Nov-12 14:43:02

I can pass on him not calling initially, it would have been the nice thing to do but folk don't always act as you would. But, his behaviour since then has been crap. Even if he was initially annoyed he should have then realised that you need some support and sympathy - this shouldn't be about him. I used to get arsey with my fiancé and sometimes was out of order. After a nights sleep, I'd rethink and realise I'd been a tit and apologise. How he responds will be very telling.

It's great to see your eyes opening, Spirited. Just don't waste another mi ute on this fool of a man.

smile toofat.

That would be 'minute'. Stupid phone.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Thu 15-Nov-12 15:27:20

YABU he's not a mind reader. If you wanted to talk you could have ring him. Honestly, you can't get pissy for someone for not knowing exactly what you were thinking. Really? This is something you need to spell out for your fiance if a close relative has just died. Just a normal thing someone with an iota of compassion would do surely.

suburbophobe Thu 15-Nov-12 15:29:50

I know now he will go on about how out of order i was until i make him feel better about himself.

Why do you want to marry this man? He will make your life a misery (is already doing it).

I'm sorry for your loss. And then compounded by not getting support from him.

Sometimes these things open our eyes to who and what is really important in our life.

Pandemoniaa Thu 15-Nov-12 15:42:08

I'm sorry but I don't like the sound of him. I'm also sorry about the death of your grandfather.

However, he seems to have turned an unhappy event for you into something that's all about him and his wounded pride. At the very least he is extremely selfish. However, from your subsequent posts, he sounds as if he is entirely bereft of compassion and quite disinterested in your feelings.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 15-Nov-12 15:59:54

Sorry about your grandfather OP.
I can't believe your fiance has turned this into you apologising to him for being upset at his lack of response.
No he's not a psychopath just a selfish tosser who has time to FB but not talk to you. "Longish distance" doesn't mean Mars presumably.

justmyview Thu 15-Nov-12 16:06:06

Well. . I got a response to my apology. It says i know you were upset but you were well out of Order. . .

For the avoidance of doubt OP, "I know you were upset" is not an apology or acknowledgement on his part. The reason? Because he goes on to justify himself. After 24 hours to think on it, he still thinks you're in the wrong.

gwenniebee Thu 15-Nov-12 16:17:14

Well, I have never done an LTB before.

But really.... your grandfather died, and suddenly wanting a "virtual hug" so to speak is unreasonable? What a self-centred piece of work. If, as he says, he knew you were upset then that is surely all the more reason to call? And actually, even if YHBU (which I don't think you had), in the immediate aftermath of the death of a relative, it's acceptable to have a few U moments!

I'm sorry about your grandfather.

Helltotheno Thu 15-Nov-12 16:27:12

OP it's obvious from your tone that this is just a mere blip in your onward progression to being shacked up with a self-centred twunt possible undesirable. There are times in our lives when we're given a window of opportunity to make the right decision (in your case, to avoid a life of forgotten birthdays & anniversaries, putting you last, being a self-centred arse and quite possibly worse) and everyone on this thread strongly suggests that you take it.

If you don't... well let's just make a date for the Relationships forum shall we, in about say, two years from now ?? Looking forward to it already grin

LemonBreeland Thu 15-Nov-12 16:38:47

Just come across this thread. He sounds awful. You are bereaved and have apologised even though you did nothing wrong, and he still only cares about himself.

This really is a case of ltb.

I would probably send a text saying the above re: how he still hasn't asked how you are, and is making you feel bad about nothing while you are upset.

Although it would most likely be a waste of time.

snuffaluffagus Thu 15-Nov-12 17:31:37

I'm lost for words at his behaviour to be honest. I'm so sorry sad

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 20:11:54

i feel tired out with it. . has said since don't you dare bloody question my comitment when i spend all my bloody time running around to come to see you. i have kids and he has i house share to not practical to do it the other way.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 20:15:35

sorry phone errors. . not on the lash ;) Also i pointed out although i said stuff to make him feel bad i actually gave a shit about hurting him even then apologized immediately. It took all day of texts from him pointing out the error of my ways until finally 7pm i get a text saying i accept your apology wish i was there to look after you. Yeah it's shit.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 20:16:48

actually he didn't say don't you dare. . just don't you bloody question etc

LemonBreeland Thu 15-Nov-12 20:46:29

Please, please, strongly rethink your future with this man. He really is incredibly self centred.

Isityouorme Thu 15-Nov-12 21:26:08

Woah ..... Walk away now. Don't even think about it.

Sorry for your loss. Would have said it earlier but I was shocked by what your dt (darling twat) had said to you.

Katisha Thu 15-Nov-12 21:33:00

So its definitely all about him isnt it.
How gracious of him to accept your apology.
How gracious of him to bloody well run around seeing you.
How very grateful you must be that he bothers with you at all...

I'm sorry you are feeling drained by all this. I think however it sounds very much like you could do a lot better, or indeed be better off on your own, without having to walk on eggshells around a self-centred twit.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 22:41:30

thanks all, for advice and condolences. . it's so lovely when people give a shit ;) x x

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 23:02:44

Is his cock made of chocolate coated diamond that you should be so grateful for his attentions? hmm

HecatePropylaea Fri 16-Nov-12 07:02:46

Did you reply to his texts all day? Or did you ignore them?

If you replied, he probably feels you are suitably punished.

If you didn't reply, he probably thinks shit, probably pushed this one too hard, better give her some hope to cling to.

He's an arse.

you didn't say stuff to MAKE him feel bad. You told him that you felt let down - and you had a right to!

Instead of saying "yes, sorry, I should have at least acknowledged your loss" etc - he goes on the attack

He makes the pain of your loss all about him. He makes you feel bad for needing him! He makes him the victim and you apologise

He then treats you to a full day of spiteful texts before throwing you a bone. Which I hope to god you don't do what I think you're going to do and be grateful for it, feel happy he's forgiven you, etc.

Well, you are suitably punished now, aren't you? You've been made to feel like a terrible person for expecting your fiance to care about you. He's turned it round to a failure on your part, had you apologise, had you feeling like it's your fault, treated you to abusive texts all day and then deigned to forgive you hmm

I have the feeling that you're going to marry him regardless. you're going to take this fake apology as evidence that he loves you really. You're going to believe that actually, it was your fault.

And you'll be back here, in a year, in two years, detailing your marriage to a controlling and verbally abusive man. sad

I hope I am wrong. I really hope I am wrong. Because your life is going to be shit and you'll look back on today one day and you'll say I wish I'd listened back then.

Please. I am begging you! You have a chance to walk away and spare yourself the life many women on here have suffered. you don't have children with him. You don't have ties to him. You don't even live with him. It's so easy (compared!)

Don't walk into a world that women who are in would give anything to get out of.

mummytime Fri 16-Nov-12 07:24:06

Please come back and tell us you've dumped him.
And I am so sorry for the loss of your Grandad. Just remember life is too short, so go and live it the way he (Grandad) would want you to.

HissyByName Fri 16-Nov-12 07:26:03

You've posted about him before, i think?

HissyByName Fri 16-Nov-12 07:27:11

Please listen to Hecate?

spiritedaway Fri 16-Nov-12 09:30:31

hi. . i am listening. i haven't posted about him before. Thanks everyone. am reading through this text and not texting him good morning but feel very childish about not being the 1st one to text on principle.

spiritedaway Fri 16-Nov-12 09:31:04

i mean am reading throughh this thread x

justmyview Fri 16-Nov-12 09:40:29

Stay strong, don't accept stuff that doesn't make you happy just because you're anxious about being on your own.

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