I can't stand it anymore! I need to know if i AIBU?!

(134 Posts)
SmallBump48 Wed 14-Nov-12 17:23:13

Every week we see my Inlaws, we go for a meal round there and at least one other visit during the week for a cuppa/Visits from them.

MIL also rings DH every other day at around 10pm at night and then moans if he doesnt pick up When we are in bed together

So the last four days went like this...

Saturday: Spent all day with them.
Sunday: Spent half the day with them.
Monday: 2 hour phone call to DH from MIL.
Tuesday: Visited for about 3 hours in the evening.
Today: Another 2 hour phone call to DH.

I talked to DH about needing some time to ourselves in the evenings/weekends as he works 8/10 hour days. He told me that we do spend time together... "Sitting watching TV" and says that he would find spending the day just me him and our DD "Boring".

Ever since we have been together me and DH havent been out just to two of us and i have dropped plenty of hints that i would love if he planned a trip to the cinema and a couple of drinks after just me and him one weekend, Again this would be boring to him.

So this evening i told him that i do not want to visit nor want any visitors for the rest of the week as i want to just spend time with me, Him and our DD. He thought that i was being extremely unreasonable "Pushing his family away".

I see my family once a week and this is enough for me as i think we have our own family now and need to make time for us but DH cannot do anything without mentioning his MIL and is always saying that he wants us to go over there to see them and if i dont want to he starts a big arguement about how unreasonable i am being because it would just be a "Quick visit" But it always turns into a 3 hour one

I am sick of seeing my Inlaws so much, I do not get on with them anyway as they have voiced how i am not "Good" enough for DH as i am not at all academic and i am not intelligent enough And not as skinny nor pretty as his previous partner which his sister voiced when she met me but i am always kind and considerate to them.

It has become to much now, DH wants to see them 4 times a week and i just think that it is way to much! An example of how much he values them is when me and DH were watching a film, Just put DD to bed and were cuddling on the sofa when he gets a text from MIL saying ring her, She would love to hear from him. I told him to ring her tomorrow as we were spending time together and he got so angry with me that it turned into an arguement, He eventually sat down After telling me how unreasonable i had been and about 5 minutes later said that he was going to the loo. An hour later i find him on the phone to MIL whilst sitting on the bath!

AIBU to want some space and for DH to make more effort with spending time as a family?

nickelrocketgoBooooooom Wed 14-Nov-12 17:25:29

our DH needs to cut the apron strings.

you are totally right - it's just weird that he needs to spend so much time with his mum, and finds being with just you and your DD "boring"!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 14-Nov-12 17:26:22

You are married to this man child and you have never been out alone together??

I didn't read any further than that, because I find that unbelievable!

Your DH needs to cut the chord, grow some balls, and try to find puberty.

Floralnomad Wed 14-Nov-12 17:26:46

Your DH is being completely unreasonable , has it always been this bad ? Perhaps you should suggest he go live with them if he finds you and your DD so boring !

HullyEastergully Wed 14-Nov-12 17:26:49

It wouldn't matter if you didn't mind, but you do, so it does.

But I don't know how you can stop him wanting to be with them...

OrangeLily Wed 14-Nov-12 17:28:49

Wrong wrong wrong and somewhat creepy! If you didn't have your DD I would say run!!!!!

Crikey, he sounds like a big baby - with apologies to big babies.

Shakirasma Wed 14-Nov-12 17:29:24

YANBU. Although I can't help but wonder how you found yourself married to, and parenting with this mummy's boy.

Tbh, it is a bit late in the day to be complaining about this now. You never even went on a date so surely you knew what you were getting when you said 'I do'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Nov-12 17:29:42

YANBU. It's not normal for a grown man to want to spend so much time with parents when he's a family of your own. Why is he so excessively dependent on them and what does he say to defend you when they pick holes in your unsuitability as a DIL? Tell him no-one likes a Mummy's boy.... then make some plans for interesting things to do at the weekend.

EricNorthmanIsMyMaker Wed 14-Nov-12 17:32:07

How long have you been together? My mil drives me insane & I only see her every few weeks. I'd have completely lost the plot spending as much time with her as you are with yours.
As the others said! And he needs to get his priorities sorted.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Nov-12 17:34:04

"says that he would find spending the day just me him and our DD "Boring"."

Maybe you need to start planning for life without him? He doesn't sound like he's really got his head around what it means to be married with children. He's the boring one btw...

Oh dear, you are living the life I would have had if I had stayed with & married my 'Mummy's boy' ex.

I'm resisting the urge to say RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN as you are married with a child and you still seem to like him. YA most definitely NBU though.

Somehow, somehow you will have to wean him off this near-daily contact. But how I do not know <helpful>

You really never went out together? How did you get to know each other?

YASNBU! How long have you been together if you don't mind me asking? If you've never actually gone out together just you and DP.

I sometimes feel like we see my PIL too much, which will probably become even more often with DC1 due, but we see them far far less than you.

I would also be pissed off with the inequality between spending time with his and your family.

What can he even find to talk about with his DM so often confused

CatsRule Wed 14-Nov-12 17:36:11

When do you get time to see your family...does he accommodate as much as you do in seeing your family?

I can't see where he is coming from re private family time being boring!

I think seeing either family that much is total overkill..and I like my family but we couldn't live in each others pockets!

Trazzletoes Wed 14-Nov-12 17:38:04

In the nicest possible way... How were you unaware of this before you got married and had a DD?

Marzipanface Wed 14-Nov-12 17:39:56

This would drive me nuts. You need time as a family. If he is not happy about this then I would reconsider this relationship. It is totally disrespectful saying it is 'boring' without his family and for him not to listen to your needs and point of view.

Sorry, I seem to have completely bypassed the fact that you're married from your OP (not sure how). How did you wind up being married to him with spending so little time alone together?

And him saying private time is boring, isn't that just what he's doing with his parents? He should realise that now he's an adult, instead of spending time as his Mum, Dad and him, he has now got his own family so he should be spending that time as him, you and your DD

SmallBump48 Wed 14-Nov-12 17:42:42

I have been with DH 4 years now.

We have been out together but we have never been alone when we do go out, He always invites his friends and it ends up being me DH and his friends as i didnt know others were invited, or they ring DH up saying "What are you doing tonight?" and DH would just invite them without thinking about spending time together alone. This has happened a few times and If you havent guessed already, we met through a mutual friend.

He moved out of his home when he was 16 and hardly ever saw his M, When he was at university he went over a year without seeing her even though it was an hour away on the train. It has been ever since we have been together that he wants to spend every waking minute around there house.

I just dont know what to do anymore, It is driving me insane as i am seen as the "Bad guy" with DH if i dont want to see them or the MIL when he runs off a tells them that i dont so he has to go on his own.

Spatsky Wed 14-Nov-12 17:44:10

YANBU but a doubt you are going to singlehandedly change him now.

I know this isn't very pleasant but you need to think about whether, if this continues, you are prepared to continue your marriage with him (sorry a kindly version of LTB I know).

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 14-Nov-12 17:45:39

That would drive me insane if it were my own mother let alone anybody else's

wordfactory Wed 14-Nov-12 17:47:27

On my word.
He finds spending time with you boring?

Seriously, how is there any way forward with that?

JackThePumpkinKing Wed 14-Nov-12 17:53:36

Christ, how on earth do you put up with this!?

I'd be arranging a lot of time consuming activities over weekends, and tell him to cut the bloody apron strings. If he doesn't like it he can go back and live with Mummy!

So.. you've never really spent any time alone without friends or MIL being there? Sounds like you don't have too much to lose!

OwlLady Wed 14-Nov-12 17:56:04

you have been with him for 4 years and have never been out alone together???

honestly that is seriously odd unless you are a teenager

and his Mum's behaviour sounds suffocating

LittleBairn Wed 14-Nov-12 18:01:12

YANBU in fact your DH sounds like the one who is a bore!
Wtf to him and mummy talk about for two hours after spending half the week together!
They sound unnaturally dependant on one another.

It doesn't sound like a fulfilling relationship, it's all about his wants, I would have a very frank chat with him about where you see this relationship going because it doesn't work for you.

JackThePumpkinKing Wed 14-Nov-12 18:01:21

SmallBump have you ever been on holiday together?

I can't believe you've never done anything alone, like not even a holiday? Or an evening at a shopping centre? Or a meal?

If someone said they thought time with me was boring and they always invited friends along when we were out, I don't think I could deal with that.
I'd want to be with someone who spends time with ME because they like spending time with ME, and weren't permanently looking for ways to not be alone with me.

I'm not saying it should be for you, but for me it would be a deal breaker

VivaLeBeaver Wed 14-Nov-12 18:05:26

I've read some jaw dropping things on mn but this is in the top 10.

I could seriously not put up with this. Have you considered counselling.

piprabbit Wed 14-Nov-12 18:07:00

Get your MIL round to babysit and take your DH out.
Hopefully you'll have a lovely time and it can mark the start of a new phase in your relationship.

Inaflap Wed 14-Nov-12 18:07:24

It sound like he is using his mother as an escape. It does not sound as if he can cope with the realities of a wife and child. Some men have an all consuming hobby, your seems to have developed this bond with his mother, which is lovely for her but in no way normal. I think you need to start carving out your own interests and hobbies that might pique his interest. He might be the sort who like 'the chase' but is not interested once he doesn't have the challenge.

I think he probablly doesn't realise that seeing his mum, however nice she is, is not quite normal and I am surpised that she is not encouraging him to spend more time with you otherwise her grandaughter will have a split family. At the moment he sounds more trouble than he is worth. I think if he wants to see his mum ten let him but make sure that you and your child go and do something else fun and make sure he knows how much he is missing out. Once a week visit is sufficient. You need to decide whether you want to cut your losses or if you want to keep him then you are going to have to be canny and provide the sort of competition for his attention that his mother can't compete with. As a withered old bag, I couldn't be arsed personally but you are younger and have time and DNA invested in this man so might think differently.

Good luck.

PanickingIdiot Wed 14-Nov-12 18:07:27

You've never been alone just the two of you? resists bad joke about managing to have children

It sounds like a bizarre plotline for a crap mystery film.

Sorry for not being more helpful, but it really is too weird for words.

BarbecuedBillygoats Wed 14-Nov-12 18:09:02

Did you go on a honeymoon?

HearMyRoar Wed 14-Nov-12 18:09:21

Seriously?

I am amazed you want to be with someone who finds spending time with you boring. I am equally amazed that he wants to be with someone who he can't bare to b alone with. I would have thought liking spending time with someone is really the most basic requirement for a relationship.

There is absolutely no way you are being unreasonable.
Does he demonstrate his love for you in any way? Has he ever made any sacrifice for you?

Lavenderhoney Wed 14-Nov-12 18:10:44

How old is your dd? Does she have activities she would rather do? I would get busy at weekends and get hobby ( writing a book or something, keeping fit ) so I would stay at home with dd. or invite friends round for dinner a lot. If he prefers to pop to his mums, fine, but you have plans.

It does sound strange though, my dm would not pick up if I kept calling hersmile agree, what do they talk about?

Have you thought of leaving? It sounds rather stagnant to me and like its not enough anymore and you would like it to change by him becoming a dad and husband or you clearing off with your dd. it's not very exciting for her is it? Can you invite her friends round a lot too, as that means you get to stay home?

OnwardBound Wed 14-Nov-12 18:12:23

Relationship counselling? Considering you are married and have a child together it might be worth a try?

If you were merely dating I would advise you to ditch him as he doesn't sound a good long term prospect. He finds being with you and your DD boring? He prefers to spend time with his family and friends than spend quality time with his DW? That doesn't bode well for your relationship I'm afraid sad

I feel you are living the life I would have had if I had married my exP. He was also unhealthily attached to his family and sought their approval over all else. He constantly in little [cutting phone calls short with me as he could see his Mum was on call waiting] and not so little ways [not inviting me to family Christmas] let me know how low I stood in his list of people he valued and enjoyed spending time with.

Thank God I had just enough self preservation to let him go when I discovered he had been cheating on me! [not suggesting that your DH is cheating on you OP - although some might feel your DMIL is jostling for top position in his affections and DH is facilitating or encouraging this and this is similar to his having "another woman" in his life iyswim!]

Life is too short to waste on people who don't value or respect you OP. It may be that some honest discussion about feelings and behaviour may clear the air here, although the severity of what you describe makes me think not.

So professional help may be your best bet...

Good luck!

SenoritaViva Wed 14-Nov-12 18:13:36

Very weird. He needs to realise that he has to choose and that doesn't mean cutting his mum out but a different lifestyle. I hate to be negative but this really rings alarm bells for me. It sounds a lot more about your relationship than just the one he has with his mother.

Good luck sorting this out.

thebody Wed 14-Nov-12 18:14:03

If he thinks spending time with you and your dd is boring then I think you need to sit him down and tell him this isn't working.

Tell him things will change or you will split.

Seriously if it wasn't for dd I would say run for the hills but tbh perhaps he is toxic for her as he must and will in the future putting her needs behind his own.

He sounds a total mummy's boy twat.

Show him this thread.

MooncupGoddess Wed 14-Nov-12 18:16:04

Did you go on honeymoon? What about when he proposed?

<clutches at straws>

What is your relationship based on? What do you talk about - now or when you first got together?

mumbags Wed 14-Nov-12 18:18:24

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable!!
It sounds like he wants to spend quite a bit too much time with his parents but I think it's actually a lot more worrying that he considers spending time just with you and your child boring. And it's frankly very selfish. Families need their own private time!
His child would be devastated to learn in the future that he felt that way, and I imagine it's hurtful for you to hear too. It sounds like he's being a complete arse!

mumbags Wed 14-Nov-12 18:19:26

body - well said!!

IAMU Wed 14-Nov-12 18:20:41

Bloody hell, I like my DPs Mother but even we only see her for a weekend once every 4/5 weeks. Same with my family, We only see them for roughly around 4 days every 6/8 weeks. Unless it is a birthday etc. That is because my family live miles away, so visits take place in the school holidays and his Mother lives about 6 miles away.

Both your husbands attitude and your MILs seems very weird. I couldn't live like that. And after him saying spending time with you and his DD is "boring", I would definitely be sending him packing with his stuff to his Mothers.

I have heard of the saying "Manchild" many of times, but I have never come across one myself until now. Tell your husband to grow the fuck up!

YADNBU.

blisterpack Wed 14-Nov-12 18:21:29

Did you actually, really, truly, quite literally mean that you have never been out together on your own? confused

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 14-Nov-12 18:24:00

This is terrible. I feel very sad for you.

Seriously? YANBU. He sounds totally creepy, id cut my losses and run

Ohhelpohnoitsa Wed 14-Nov-12 18:28:42

will reply later when i get time. this happened to me.....

Hmm, small bump, the mother in law is a red herring isn't she? Anyone who refuses to spend Their time alone with their wife and child has some serious issues.
I said that as nicely as I could. sad

mrskeithrichards Wed 14-Nov-12 18:32:05

I can't believe you have never been out alone. First dates? Anniversaries? Birthdays?

CinnabarRed Wed 14-Nov-12 18:36:18

My DF invited his parents on his honeymoon. Didn't ask, or even tell, my DM. First she knew about it was when she heard her MIL yelling 'Cooooeeyyy' across the sand dunes....

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Wed 14-Nov-12 18:36:33

He finds it boring?!
Like others have said id arrange all sorts of activities for you and your little one, if he wants to go to his mums - fine, you two have fun. If he doesn't pull his socks up & realise he's missing out then you know where you stand.

CinnabarRed Wed 14-Nov-12 18:37:30

And, FWIW, as he thinks that spending time with you is boring (and has demonstrated as much by never being alone with you) then you've got serious, potentially fatal, flaws in your relationship. I'm very sorry.

NatashaBee Wed 14-Nov-12 18:41:54

This sounds ridiculous. How did you even manage to date/ get to the point of getting married if he was constantly attached to his mother?

BastardSpiders Wed 14-Nov-12 18:44:26

You have two choices.

1) Put up with this.

2) Divorce

Osmiornica Wed 14-Nov-12 18:45:21

I can understand not having been out together since having children but even before? I don't get it. You've never even been out for a walk together/meal/holiday? Doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me if he finds you boring. I'd not be able to get past that to be honest let alone all the other issues.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Wed 14-Nov-12 18:46:52

I'd feel so hurt at being branded boring sad Particularly by someone as dull as your husband sounds!

I couldnt live like this. I'd have to get out. You and the DD you have together should be his priority. Spending time with you both should be his absolute favourite thing to do in his spare time. But he'd rather have chats on the phone to his mum who he only saw earlier in the day or the day before that last FUCKING HOURS!?!

He needs to change his ways or how on earth can you all go on like this? Utterly miserable for all of you.

And his family sound like knobs btw.

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Wed 14-Nov-12 18:48:48

Oh love, this is outrageous!!

so, he's only been like this since you had DD? or got together?It sounds like he can't handle the family thing at all. sad

I agree, you need to sit him down, and say, this changes or I am out of here. You can't go on like this can you?? I know I definitely couldn't, he's showing total lack of respect for you by treating you like second best, and your poor DD, don't let her be a poor second, take control. He's a twat.

AllYoursBabooshka Wed 14-Nov-12 18:53:20

about 5 minutes later said that he was going to the loo. An hour later i find him on the phone to MIL whilst sitting on the bath!

That is so strange. confused

What did he say when you found him there?

The whole thing is strange, I couldn't live like that.

Floralnomad Wed 14-Nov-12 18:55:50

Are you absolutely sure he was on the phone to his mother ?

VirginiaDare Wed 14-Nov-12 19:01:08

What ever posessed you to have a child with a man who has NEVER taken you out alone?

Onetwothreeoops Wed 14-Nov-12 19:05:07

Floralnomad that was my first thought too, but I do have an overly suspicious mind...

idococktailshedoesbeer Wed 14-Nov-12 19:09:38

It sounds like he is trying to escape you and your child. You deserve better.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 14-Nov-12 19:10:40

Have you posted before about this relationship, perhaps under a different name?

I recall a poster a few months go with a similar husband / MIL history. The issue presented was a clash of birthday celebrations. It turned out he was a nasty, controlling arse and she under-confident and absurdly grateful for the relationship.

If that wasn't you, I suppose the good news is you're not alone. On the other hand...

Jajas Wed 14-Nov-12 19:11:55

Is this possibly a cultural thing?

Raspberrysorbet Wed 14-Nov-12 19:16:29

You have never gone out alone? Not even when you were dating?

Never ever?

That's enough for me. I can't even start on the mummy thing.....

What do you like about him? Is he a good dad? Do you have fun together (together with other people, obv hmm)? Is he affectionate with you? Does he make you laugh?

Floggingmolly Wed 14-Nov-12 19:19:33

I honestly couldn't stay with someone who wouldn't be alone with me because it "would be too boring" hmm. Are you seriously ok with that?

JackThePumpkinKing Wed 14-Nov-12 20:37:58

Are you alright OP?

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Wed 14-Nov-12 20:48:15

YANBU. How hurtful of him to say that he finds his wife and child boring sad It sounds like he agrees with his family that you're beneath him (you're not) and is using that to justify his outrageous behaviour.

Honestly, I would leave him to it. Sort out your own social life, your weekend activities with DD and let him spend 'quality time' with his mummy hmm

discrete Wed 14-Nov-12 20:57:33

Ever since we have been together me and DH havent been out just to two of us

If it's always been like this, were you OK with it in the past?

It is normal to have less time alone as a couple when you have young children, but if you didn't have it even before you had your dd, then that's much more worrying.

What was your relationship like before you were married and had your dd, and how long did that last for?

discrete Wed 14-Nov-12 20:58:13

sorry, that first line was supposed to be in quote marks, it's from your OP.

Are you ok, OP?

nilbyname Wed 14-Nov-12 21:45:36

Jesus, he sounds mad and weirdly attached to his mum.

I would give him a choice, pull away from MIL and spend time as a family unit and work on that. Or, he can go home to his mama and you will quite happily contact CSA and work out visits with DD.

How horrible for you.

Sounds totally extreme, is it as bad as you describe?

Fakebook Wed 14-Nov-12 21:51:19

What a weirdo.

What kind of person says you're not as skinny or pretty as a previous gf to the new gf's face?! I find that strange

SoleSource Wed 14-Nov-12 21:51:21

I feel he will never change and there is more to this on his part.

Life is too short. Enough now.

StuntGirl Wed 14-Nov-12 23:16:24

The fact he said he finds you boring is horrible sad

The fact he spends an unatural amount of time with someone else (doesn't matter who it is) is sort of secondary to that really.

If you didn't have kids I'd advise you run away from this weirdo sad

Mousefunk Wed 14-Nov-12 23:55:39

I'm also inclined to question whether it is really his mother he is seeing/on phone to... sad

JackThePumpkinKing Thu 15-Nov-12 00:03:37

OP please come back?

amarylisnightandday Thu 15-Nov-12 00:13:02

My mother would stop answering if I wanted 2 hours on the phone every day plus all the face time! It would seriously interfere with her schedule of WI, the archers, about a million history groups, gardeners world, her kindle.......you get the idea!
And I'm her pfb!

Seriously I love my mum to death and we're super close but that level of contact would be smothering - we are close but still independent adults. Op, your h does not sound like an independent adult and that's the issue for me.

This isn't the first time I've seen/read about men thinking that their parental contact time trumps family responsibility - it doesn't btw. We are all entitled to maintain out family relationships but within a marriage there has to be democracy and diplomacy - everything outside the unit needs to fit around what's inside - you and your dd in your case.

I too wonder about cultural expectations? Especially with his behaviour at uni.

What about you op? Have you seen/read something lately that has suddenly made you realise dh contact with his family is excessive? Mn maybe?

I'm not sure what else to suggest except please come back and talk to us - maybe we can help somehow. We have been a bit aghast on the thread but lots of wise people here grin

Loveweekends10 Thu 15-Nov-12 04:14:54

Reminds me of a bloke at work that obviously loves his mum more than his wife. He wrote on Facebook recently that he missed her and wished she was there- he was on his wedding anniversary trip to Paris with his wife!
I would run a mile personally because relationships like that are unhealthy. Oedipus complex and all that!

Tee2072 Thu 15-Nov-12 05:30:35

He has two choices:

Spend time with just you and/or you and your child

Or

Leaves.

Loveweekends shock

ZillionChocolate Thu 15-Nov-12 06:40:05

This is not acceptable. What would happen if you asked his mum to babysit for you two to go out for dinner? Is his sister that involved too? Where does FIL stand on it? Presumably MIL and FIL never have much time alone either?

echt Thu 15-Nov-12 09:37:29

Wondering where OP is, having not posted since page 1.

mumbags Thu 15-Nov-12 09:53:20

I'm worried about OP... We've all piled on (quite rightly and with good intentions) but might have been too much!

Paiviaso Thu 15-Nov-12 11:24:25

"It has been ever since we have been together that he wants to spend every waking minute around there house."

So you knew full well about the clingy relationship with his parents, and the fact that he didn't enjoy spending time with you alone, but you decided to marry and have a child with him anyway, and are now complaining. I don't understand women like you at all, OP.

snuffaluffagus Thu 15-Nov-12 11:30:31

Gosh you poor thing. This sounds suffocating. You need a big chat about this, it's not healthy and isn't working for your relationship so something needs to be done!

Good luck.

lljkk Thu 15-Nov-12 11:33:11

2 hour phone calls? shock DH is a complete Mummy's boy & he couldn't stomach more than half an hour max twice a week.

Sorry to sound awful, but are you sure it's all contact with his Mum, not some other female in the picture?

JackThePumpkinKing Thu 15-Nov-12 11:44:27

Paiviaso - you sound charming

YANBU in wanting to spend more time together as a family and less time with PIL.

I know you say you don't really get on with your MIL but is she generally an understanding person? Could you talk to her about this saying that you're worried your marriage won't survive if you, DP and DD don't find a shared interest or spend more time together doing something you all enjoy?

Or does he get on ok with your parents? Could one of them have a word with him?

I must be honest though and say that the thought of spending time alone with my DP just leaves me cold. I love going out as a family but wouldn't want to go for a meal or a drink with DP alone. It would just be dull. It doesn't mean I love him any less.

BTW - Have you been on holiday with him? Could you plan one so that you can all reconnect and show him that time with you and DD can be enjoyable.

YerMaw1989 Thu 15-Nov-12 12:33:00

I think I would be leaving after the 'boring' comment, does your daughter know he finds spending time with her 'boring' feel quite sad for you both.

SmallBump48 Thu 15-Nov-12 13:39:41

Thank you all for the replies.

My DD is 13 months old, DH is a good dad, He was my rock throughout my pregnancy but he did struggle to come to terms with being a dad in te early days.

We didn't go on a honeymoon as DH saw that as being a waste of money so we brought some things for the house instead, He did have a stag do though but that is a whole other thread.

We have not been out together on our own as much as I have wanted to it has always been with friends around us aswell while we was talking/Getting to know each other.

I spoke to him last night about it and he has not said a word to me since then as he thought that I was being seriously out of order suggesting that the evenings are 'Family time' His response was that he has his own family as well as me and DD and I will not push them away from him.

When we first got together it was all about the party's and friends so he hardly ever saw MIL but when things between us got serious and he proposed that's when we started seeing them once/twice a week Which is how I want it to me now but it was when we married and I became pregnant with DD that it started to get a bit too much for me and that brings us to now where it seems as if he cannot go a day without speaking to her.

I don't know what they talk about, I do ask but he just says 'Everyday stuff', His mum thinks that he can do no wrong at all and he is the 'favourite' amongst his other siblings.

I did try to have a serious talk with him about going out alone and spending time together, Also having the evenings free to spend with me and DD and also seeing his mum once/twice a week which resulted in a big argument ending with him saying 'I can't believe you are trying to push my family away, I never thought that you were like this and I have nothing further to say to you' and he left this morning without another word.

Thank you again for your comments and I am very tempted to show him this thread because I am not getting through to him myself, Maybe if he sees that I am not the only one who thinks it he may start to listen to me -I hope

amarylisnightandday Thu 15-Nov-12 13:51:53

Bless you smallbump you are being so diplomatic with him!

There's more to this - not saying you are telling us less than the full story but I'd wager there's something he's not telling you.

If be tempted to call his bluff and invite her round every night until he's sick of her!

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 14:02:15

I don't think my marriage could survive that.

I would suggest you ca'nt change him unless he realises he will lose his marriage over it, and that also assumes he actually loves you enough to want to save his marriage - he might not.

To me, the 'talking about the day' with his mum sounds like he uses her in the way he should 'use' you, to discuss his day, anything on his mind, to ask for advice etc. Does he value your opinion and talk about his day with you or not?

However, just because he wants to see MIL that much, does not mean you have too, just refuse to go, make other plans with DD - you could arrange days out with DD, give him the choice to join you, make it clear if he invites MIL too you'll turn round and leave. Or you could jsut stay at home. I would say seeing her once a week is more than enough. Just refuse to go.

I'd also point out if he never spends time alone with you and DD, then your DD will grow up to not have this sort of relationship with him. He's going to be very lonely once MIL dies.

Tee2072 Thu 15-Nov-12 14:03:31

I would absolutely show him this thread.

Hey, smalbump's husband? You're being a knob.

grin

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 15-Nov-12 14:04:41

I'm glad you came back OP. I think your husband has misunderstood what marriage is and has prioritised his parents and siblings and placed you and DD way down in the pecking order. When you first got together it was all socialising and parties ie fun and you were probably just glad to be with him so didn't mind going out en masse but now he's retreating.

You're not the first person to mention troubles in their marriage but say, oh he's a great dad. Well that's lovely but as a couple you are not making it work and he can be still be a good dad even if the pair of you decide to separate. I don't think it's smothering or possessive of you to want him to yourself occasionally. It may not even be a fixation on his mum as much as running away from you and DD. You are not getting the best of him are you, I would start to question what's in it for either of you long term.

nilbyname Thu 15-Nov-12 14:40:32

There is something else here, either something you don't know or something you are not telling us? No one in their right mind would think this was ok. No one.

donkey that line "you are not getting the best of him" really resonates, and I think that is exactly what is going on. He has to chose you and his DD. `if he can't...? Walk away??

Icanhasnickname Thu 15-Nov-12 15:03:34

Could you arrange a holiday for you and DD without your husband?? Maybe stay with family for a week or two? Perhaps the break will give you both perspective, maybe he will miss you.....or maybe he will just indulge in his mummy-addiction full time and realise this love affair with mummy is all he really wants.
I may be being dramatic, but I would start making plans, saving money...speaking to solicitors etc as he sounds like a total douche and I want you to have a back-up-plan if he gets nasty.

He isn't a great dad. He would rather spend time with anyone except his daughter and wife - that's not what great dads do. What does he do to make you think he's a good dad?

You and your daughter deserve a better life. He needs to seriously consider how he behaves.

fatcuntroller Thu 15-Nov-12 16:53:46

From everything you have said it's apparent that this guy is a shit husband and a shit father. Who the fuck prioritised spending time with their mother over their child??!

He has a seriously unhealthy relationship with his mum and he clearly has no plansto change it. You and dd are better off out of it.

5Foot5 Thu 15-Nov-12 16:58:54

Absolutely show him this thread. He has to realise that his behaviour is not normal.

SmallBumps husband, you are a weird Mummy's boy. Time to grow up.

catwomanlikesmeatballs Thu 15-Nov-12 16:59:10

Do you have friends that you can arrange to meet during the weekends? Leave him to his mother and take your daughter out to spend time doing interesting things with normal people. He sounds insanely boring, creepy and weird. Just stop going to mils with him, leave when she's on her way over. You need a life outside of him and if you can LEAVE him. He's not remotely normal, what on earth do you see in him?

Quenelle Thu 15-Nov-12 17:01:42

Sounds hideous.

Let DH go to his parents on his own and find something else for you and DD to do without him.

He might then start to realise that he's missing out on something. Like, you know, family life.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 15-Nov-12 17:04:08

How old is he? He sounds very young, early twenties? Certainly very immature. He can't cope with being a husband and father because he is a child.

It sounds almost as though he sees you more as friends with benefits than a girlfriend, never mind a wife. (Though people enjoy spending time with their friends). As though he hasn't begun to love you.

Is there something else going on? It sounds like a marriage of convenience. Why was he so keen to marry someone who was essentially just one of his (less important) mates?

How did you feel about no dates or romance and no honeymoon? Did you agree about that being a waste of money? It sounds as though he calls the shots. Why?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 15-Nov-12 17:05:24

Show him this thread and I hope he sees that the fundamental duty of a parent is to love and nurture their child, in partnership with their DH or DW (if available), and then to see that child off in to the world.

Perhaps he should ask himself if his lack of engagement with you is going to result in that aim, and whether, by being so involved in his life, his mother has fulfilled her duty.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 15-Nov-12 17:06:57

or wot 5foot5 said

lottiegarbanzo Thu 15-Nov-12 17:10:59

Just to be ultra-blunt - please do dismiss this as nonsense but he should know this is how it looks - it sounds as though he is gay but closeted, felt he ought to marry for appearances and his mother is the only person he feels really knows and understands him, so who he can trust. Twisted, secretive, likely to become weirder as he gets older (until he runs off with his gym buddy) and in need of a long, cold look in the mirror.

LadyBeagle Thu 15-Nov-12 17:14:03

Is his name Norman Bates?
Seriously Op, why are you with this mummy's boy?

Floralnomad Thu 15-Nov-12 17:17:13

I don't see an answer to this , you're not pushing his family away , you're simply trying to have a normal family life of your own . Personally if I was in your position I would be asking him to leave because this is not how you want to live , then he's got a choice, stay and change or go. I wouldn't stay with him but then enable him to carry on by going out alone with your DD because if that's what you're going to do you may as well be a single mother anyway.

stifnstav Thu 15-Nov-12 17:18:16

Fucking hell fire! I'm agog!

And are you sure its his mum he's speaking to? I'm undecided whether this weird mummy-loving or an affair would be worse.

Just agog.

Ephiny Thu 15-Nov-12 17:24:01

YANBU, it sounds like way too much to me. Fine for him to have a close relationship with his mum, but he's a grown married man with a child, you and your daughter are his family now and you should come first for him. It really sounds like his priorities are all wrong, and it isn't normal or healthy.

I did wonder about this though: "Ever since we have been together me and DH havent been out just to two of us and i have dropped plenty of hints that i would love if he planned a trip to the cinema and a couple of drinks after just me and him one weekend" - why do you need to drop hints for him to plan a trip? Why can't you plan and arrange it?

snuffaluffagus Thu 15-Nov-12 17:24:44

You have my sympathies, it's a very odd sitution! Obviously you're not saying you want to "push his family away" but that level of contact is HIGHLY unusual and is obviously causing a problem.

squeaver Thu 15-Nov-12 17:27:17

Who could possibly speak to their mother on the phone for two hours?? Christ, I'd be jumping out of the window.

I'm another one just sitting here agog. I don't know what's worse - the fact he's such a mummy's boy, the fact he finds you boring or the fact he's never spent time with just you alone. I am just shock and really really sad for you OP. You are being way too diplomatic and accepting of his ways. I just don't know how you've put up with him and highly doubt you will be able to change him. It just sounds sooo weird and unhealthy. Is he loving and affectionate towards you generally? (Daresay he rarely has the opportunity to be as most of the time you are with his family grin )

amarylisnightandday Thu 15-Nov-12 18:25:33

Invasive I know op but are you and dh still having sex?

mumbags Fri 16-Nov-12 18:34:50

Haha amarylis you cleared the room! grin

Are you ok, OP? Hope we didn't scare you off with our collective horror at the situation you've described.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 16-Nov-12 19:09:18

Yes, remember we're only responding to and extrapolating from the little you've told us. We don't actually know much about your relationship.

5Foot5 Fri 16-Nov-12 23:24:44

Bump

Smellslikecatspee Sat 17-Nov-12 00:32:13

"His response was that he has his own family as well as me and DD and I will not push them away from him. "

His own family is you and your DD

My Oh and his mother is a thread of its own, but even so OH acknowledges it is unacceptable for his mother to intrude in 'our' time and enforces that.

Until your OH sees you and DD as his family and worthy of respect and time you are fighting a losing battle, sorry.

In my personal experience, OH thought that being at his mothers beck and call 24hours a day, updating her hourly, 'living' with me but still spending 3~ 4 nights at his mother as normal.

I issued an ultimatum and stuck by it, it helped that at that point he had spent time with my family, who are by no means normal, but are more normal IYSWIM.

That you can love your Mum/Dad but only call once, twice a week.
That 'normal' parents want their children to be happy
That 'normal' parents see their child having a relationship as a normal part of growing up and that while they will always worry, esentially they want their child to be happy.

I know for a fact that my Mum has big issues with one of my BIL, it's a personality clash, religion, politics thing. she has admited once that if he wasnt one of the family she wouldnt give him the time of day, however I am also 100% sure neither my sister or BIL realise this.

Some may think this is my Mum being two-faced, however I see it as my Mum taking a step back saying I do not like this person, but he makes my child happy AND he treats my child well (actually he adores hers and has done for 20 years), therefore he is worthy of respect, and welcome.

Your MIL and more importantly your DH do not see your family as worthy of respect.

Untill he sees you/him/DD as a family. . . You're on a loser, sorry.

stifnstav Sat 17-Nov-12 01:27:03

I just read your OP to my DH.

I'm afraid to say his response was "is he still breastfeeding?"

amarylisnightandday Sat 17-Nov-12 05:32:44

Mum - yikes looks like it! I was just surprised it hadn't come up sad

I'm a shocking thread killer though bit I do so hope the op is ok/gained something from this thread even if it was just to let off steamsmile

amarylisnightandday Sat 17-Nov-12 05:33:31

Stif - confused and a tentative lol....

gimmecakeandcandy Sat 17-Nov-12 07:41:25

I can't help thinking lottiegarbanzo may be onto something here... Is it a lavender marraige for him?

I don't think there is any hop here, you can show him this thread buy I doubt it would make a difference sad

I think you are wasting your life away with this idiot sad

GlesgaRocket Sat 17-Nov-12 07:53:53

To me, it reads as if he has never been that interested in you. sad
Even in the early days of your relationship he invited friends out? Was that so he didn't have to be alone with you?
It sounds as if he is doing everything in his power not to have to spend any time with you.
How on earth could you really get to know a person if there was always someone else around?

How old is he? Was there pressure on him to get married and have a family?

I'm sorry - but he sounds like an absolute knob.

merlottits Sat 17-Nov-12 08:04:18

Until you said you had a DD and not a DS I was sure you were my sister's ex-husbands new wife shock

My sister lived in hell with her husband (lacking any evidence of a scrotum) and a mother-in-law from hell. Every spare minute was spent with the PIL or on the phone to them. Right from early on the MIL said that she wanted to be "the last person he spoke to at night and the first person he spoke to in the morning". So he would speak to her from their marital bed just as he was dropping off...mental!

He has married someone else and I feel so sorry for her - this woman is dangerous and toxic - urgh angry

Going on my experience I would get out. Quickly.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sat 17-Nov-12 09:27:38

Please do show him this thread. Everyone's opinions are perfectly reasonable - except his.

Can you start asking around - ask people how much time they spend with their IL's. We don't see ours very often as they are miles away but if they were closer, it would be no more then twice a week (Maybe tea after school once a week and then alternate Sundays for a few hours. They might also babysit one a fortnight.)

I strongly suspect you both need relationship counselling. I think he has quite a few issues as he does not want to spend time alone with you and DD - and then also needing his mum far too much starts alarm bells!!

I would let him choose between - relationship counselling or him going to live with his mother while you/DD remain in house. Tell him he can visit when he feels he can give you and DD his undecided attention - without any relatives or friends around.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sat 17-Nov-12 09:30:27

Can you do things and invite him along? Taking kids swimming, park etc? Just an idea.

fuzzpig Sat 17-Nov-12 10:11:32

Yikes. I see I'm not the only one who thought of Norman Bates!

OP - what is MIL's relationship with DD like? Does she care about her grandchild? If TH (that's Twatty Husband) goes round there without you, does MIL want him to take DD too?

I'm just wondering if she would be happy babysitting once a week.

NoWayNoHow Sat 17-Nov-12 10:27:31

Ty to *rudolph's" idea - he either commits to his family with you and does what it takes to build a proper relationship, or he commits to his family with his mother and leaves you to get on with your life.

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 18-Nov-12 18:55:31

Are you ok op? I hope you come back, wr want to know how you are

cees Sun 18-Nov-12 21:10:58

So this started when you got pregnant, do you think he wants to be his mothers little soilder again because he can't hack growing up and being a father himself?

You should just let him off to visit on his own and you and dd have fun doing something just the two of you. See does that wise him up, he might start to value your family unit if he feels a bit excluded from it.

Or you could insist on spending the equal amount of time with your family, see does that wake him up a bit grin

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 20-Nov-12 07:13:37

Where is the op? She hasn't come back to let us know what is happening sad

MrsBucketxx Tue 20-Nov-12 07:51:33

i would be distancing myself and dd from both if them, if you want to see your mother it will be alone.

i lost a relationship cause of a man like this, no balls at all.

I'm sorry OP but I think this marriage is dead in the water. The most important relationship in his life is the one he has with his mother...and she seems to agree with this.

Unless you are willing to consign yourself and your daughter to the lower reaches of his list of priorities there will be very little peace for you. Can you really accept that his primary relationship is with his mother and that you are, in effect, the "Other Woman"?

dinkystinky Tue 20-Nov-12 09:20:52

OP - my DH is close to his mum. They speak daily on the phone - it used to be 4 times a week till she was widowed 7 years ago - and while it irritates me, I'm fine with that.

That said, we only see her every couple of months as she lives 2 hours away from us, I know she loves me (she's never said a word against me) and adores our kids, DH and I have several date nights (just the two of us) a month and plenty of family outing days at the weekends with our boys and so his close loving relationship with his mum is something that is healthy and he juggles that with our family life. Your DH's perspective is askew - how on earth will you have a rich fulfiling family life if he doesnt spend any time with you and your DD? Yes, seeing the inlaws and enjoying an extended family life is great - but you and he should have at least 1 date night a fortnight and you, DD and he should have one family outing to wherever a weekend too so you can build your own memories and strengthen family bonds. And if your inlaws are rude to you and DD, he should stand up for you!

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