To put the scarf back on my head due to family pressure? I can't take this.(89 Posts)
You most prob remember me. For the last few weeks dh has had a few pains in his chest area and been struggling to get a good lungful of air. After a trip to A&E and an ECG and x ray, as well as trip to doctors to test breathing etc, he has been declared asthma free and heart attack free. Perhaps a bit of work anxiety or the. Fact he has just started playing football again after not doing it for so many years/poor diet etc. anyway just got a text from mil. Implying that his chest pains are a result of my decision to remove my headscarf. She also said maybe he's too afraid to tell me...(dont know what kind of relationship she thinks we have) but has asked me to "think about it please". I may as well just fucking put the cloth back on my head to shut everyone up mightn't I???? Really upset and quite frankly doubting every inch of myself.
YABU. Do not give into emotional blackmail....you know MIL is being silly, even if she thinks its true. Sending you some love and support - I know how tough families can be x
Don't. If you bow to pressure now you will never get to make a decision of your own again.
He actually told me tonight he spoke to his family and told them all the reasons why I made my decision. Mil in particular has a habit of not listening properly. Now I've really found this out and am actually pissed off (not the 1st time it's happened) but the fact she never says things to my face.
I'm sorry, I haven't seen your other posts and have no experience of a situation like yours. But my gut instinct is, if you don't want to wear a headscarf (for whatever reason) then please don't.
My dh also had pains similar to yours, it is stress related. But there are so many stresses in life, work, finances, kids! As you say, I'm sure if your husband had a problem with you not covering your hair, he would tell you?
Life is too short to please others all the time
PMSL at your husband's condition being due to the lack of a headscarf.
Any chance if you take anything else off your MIL might get a heart attack? <hopeful>
cant you just put it back on when you go round there, just to keep her happy?
Could MIL be a bit jealous that you are brave enough to remove the scarf? It was probably unthinkable in her generation
She will say I'm being hypocritical if I wear it just round there. She is already acting differently with me. Fucking culture.
You are right and your MIL is wrong. If she's generally a PITA, her opinion doesn't matter. If she's generally nice but hung up on superstitions, tell her kindly that you have made your decision and you are sticking to it, and if her feelings are hurt that's a shame but it's your head.
(And you know that what she's saying about your H's chest pains is absolute howling bollocks, don't you.)
Angry beaver. I've often wondered that.
I hope it's bollocks. I feel that text was almost unintentional emotional blackmail
dont bother with any of that, its is just portents and signs bullshit.
how much does it matter to you?
had a colleague wore hers at home (she lives with inlaws) and not at work. it was a kind of protest. over time, and after four children, she wants to wear it all the time and does.
i'd put the scarf on to keep the peace and not worry. just like you can keep 'eye purdah' or be scarved without wearing cloth, you can still be free and open even if your hair is covered.
Totally disagree with that option squeaky! Why the hell should she do that?
My MIL is very religious, and it pains her that we do not go to Mass, have religious paraphanalia up around the house etc, but there's no way I would compromise my belief to suit hers.
Sometimes, people just have to accept that we are not all the same, and we do not all believe the same things. That's life
If your husband supports you then you really don't have a problem. Your mil's opinion is completely irrelevant.
Every time I go past her friends house (the friend I mentioned on my last post) I cringe and hope she won't see me. God help me :'(
The thing is if you back down now you leave yourself wide open to shit storms every time you do/say/think something she doesn't agree with.
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with your history but I'm assuming this is not a decision you took lightly so don't let someone bully you into doing something you've decided not to do.
You say your dh explained your reasons to her. Maybe you should both stop explaining things that aren't really any of her business!
Hope he's ok soon!
Crescent moon aren't you Muslim? I'd love to get some views of fellow Muslims who choose not to wear a headscarf
Don't put it back on. You thought about this long and hard before you made the decision. It is not merely a whim.
She will get over it, once she realises you are keeping it on for good.
i'd put the scarf on to keep the peace and not worry
Completely disagree with this! Would you say the same if there was pressure on her to take OFF the scarf?
Thanks Walter. Truth be told, dh isn't too happy about me removing it because he believes religiously that I should wear it. Being the chilled open minded guy he is,he has supported me regardless of his own feelings. Starting to wonder if maybe mil thinks my removal reflects badly on the family as a whole?
It's none of her business what you wear.
Be your own woman!!!
I dont really agree with it either Beaver, but sometimes it can be easier to keep the peace.. its slightly different by my Mum would tut, moan and generally whinge if I went round to visit wearing short skirts, low tops etc... and she hated my husbands earrings and eyebar, so to keep her digs to a minimum, we both made an effort when we went to her house to give her less to go on about..
This is like the religious people in the US who tried to blame hurricane Sandy on the gays. Utterly bonkers.
Seriously, if there was a god up there dealing out individual active retribution for perceived slights, don't you think that taking a scarf off would be well down his list?
im muslim and i do wear a headscarf but God isnt going to send a thunderbolt down from the sky if i dont wear it. theres far more debate on it than on other parts of islam - me i just err on the side of caution but i acknowledge that there are legitimate other views on it.
Absolutely shocking how a cloth over the hair can give people the right to judge.
I am Muslim and wear hijab, but would say it is a person's choice to wear it or not, so if you don't want to, you shouldn't do it for the sake of pleasing your family. It wouldn't really keep the peace, as you would resent them for it anyway. I'm guessing your inlaws are Asian, as some will try every trick in the emotional blackmail book to manipulate people into doing what they want .
If you want support from someone who understands and won't judge you, I'm happy for you to PM me
There are plenty of muslims who don't wear a headscarf; depends on country of origin and type of interpretaion of modesty.
Starting to wonder if maybe mil thinks my removal reflects badly on the family as a whole?
I can see why you would worry about this but really, they are adults as are you! And you're not responsible for upholding family honour!
You've made a decision that is right for you. Your dh is supporting you and that's commendable especially in light of his feelings on it. You need to remember your valid reasons for not wearing it when they start to put the pressure on.
You shouldn't have to be answerable to MIL or anyone for the choices you make in your own life.
Also if your husband is ok with you (even if he disagrees) it is nothing to do with your MIL so I would just ignore it. Avoid her for a while if possible, she"ll get used to it.
Crescent do you think, even though you wear it for caution, that there are valid reasons why some scholars interpret quran to not mandate the headscarf? It's just so ironic. I pray 5 times a day, have a strong imaan, fast and try to look after my family/be a decent human being, and for crying out loud the rest of my body including my bloody neck is covered by loose baggy clothes. I feel like the covering of women in modern day islam has overtaken and dominated every other subject, even those that are much more pressing such as character building and following the kindness and tolerance of Mohammed (saw)
If you back down now she will know that she can do it again with something you both disagree on and then your life wont be your own.
It's your life, your head, your decision...NOT your mother in laws.
Jazakhallah silver sixpence, and my ils aren't Asian (though I totally get what you are saying..) they are african
NoScarf - If you were to follow your heart, what would it tell you? (I have an opinion, but I'm interested in yours.)
Aaaaaaargghhhhhhh *cries and tears (what's left of) hair out
I do remember you, and I'm so sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Also really sorry to hear about your husband's health problems.
I can't possibly advise, as this is such a difficult situation and I am not a muslim myself so can't offer you any 'inside' opinions. I have lots of neighbours who are muslims, and some wear the scarf and some don't - it is clearly not a simple issue. I am aware that some young women face huge pressure from their families about all sorts of things, and I know that this must be very difficult.
Don't doubt yourself - you made this decision honestly and in good faith, and you did talk to your husband about it. I don't what the best thing to do now is, but good luck whatever you decide.
Conflugen. My heart tells me it's not neccessary to put a headscarf on, due to how I truthfully fel when I read the Quran and listen to the pints raised by other scholars,even though I know the majority says otherwise. I believe covering everything else with loose clothing, lowering my gaze, praying, fasting and being a good kind person is what is asked of me.
Thank you for your kind words green bananas
Lmao I meant pints raised by other scholars, not pints!!! Hehe that def wouldn't be very Islamic ;)
Points points points I meant!!!!jeez!!! iPhone . Enough said.
OP, I'm not muslim, but at my family's church you are supposed to wear a headscarfe in church, for a woman to have her head uncovered in church is considered sacriligous to them. I stopped wearing them when I was 18.
Over the years when I have visited them and gone to church with them I have had pressure put on me to wear it. I will accept the other restrictions, wearing a below knee skirt and not trousers, keeping shoulders covered, tops modest, wearing a paler shade of lipstick rather than a really bold colour, etc- but only because they are things that I don't object to doing, and would, at some point or other, do myself. I wouldn't, however, ever wear a scarf on my head at any other point in my life so won't wear one in their church.
I also have [shock, horror] sat with my DH at the back of the men's aisle rather than leaving him to it - he doesn't however speak a word of their language. I'm sure a large part of the congregation thinks I'm damned to hell - even though I attend an Anglican church regularly and actually assist with communion. I keep having 'but you know what the true faith is' thrown at me.
So I do understand (to a small degree) what you are going through. I hope you find the strength to not be bullied, because that is exactly what she is doing.
Noscarf you are absolutely right that it has become an overemphasised issue in Islam and there are those who feel it is open to interpretation. It is a decision you can only make for yourself as you have to live with it. I think as you have already made your decision you should stick with it as the fallout will only lessen now and you've probably dealt with the worst of it.
Well then follow your heart. You've thought about this, you're clearly very devout, you sound like a very thoughtful person. You have to go your own way - try to find the time to sit down and explain to MIL why you feel the way you do (and do you have some texts you could show her which back up your views? Has someone influential who she would respect written/said anything which would help?) but otherwise carry on scarfless.
yes i do think there are valid views on not wearing it but i think the evidence for wearing it is stronger. but it is not a creed issue, its not theology, its to do with practise. and as for all the other minutae of daily practise you have to have heart and conviction in it else it will not be recorded for you. if you pray 5 times a day on time your doing better than me cause my salahs are crap at the moment and im doing them all late!
Wear whatever you think right and encourage your DH to improve his fitness gradually. (The latter seems rather more important to me).
Tell your MIL that you've thought about it and there is no conceivable link between your DHs fitness and your headwear. (Maybe she should have a think too, what link could there be - surely not that she believes Allah would punish your DH for your different interpretation of the Quran?)
Who is the higher authority? You should not be more scared of the judgement of your MIL.
Are you still happy with the decision you made now that you have lived with it for a while?
Noscarf, please don't give into such naked emotional blackmail. I fully support women wearing whatever they like and covering as fully as they see fit or not, but your two threads offer a depressing insight into the insidious cultural/social/familial pressures on Muslim women to cover, should they not want to.
I agree it's an overemphasised issue in western understandings/media depiction of Islam, but I think some negative responses come from people wondering whether a hijabi is covered because she wants to of her own accord, or is forced, or emotionally blackmailed similarly to you.
Best wishes for your husband's recovery.
I am a muslim and I have recently started to wear a headscarf, everyone has an opinion on it, but it is such a personal thing.
Islam should be about being a good person, I live in hope that one day people will recognise muslims by what should be our kind good hearted nature and not by what we wear.
wear it or dont wear it, it is your choice. if it wasnt your headscarf I am sure she would find another way to pin it on you.
Next time it rains tell your mil its her fault. Hope ur husband gets well soon.
noscarf I am a Muslim, I believe in the way of ahl sunnah wa jammah, the majority, and the majority find hijab to be fardh,
However I do not think you should wear it, even to keep the peace. It is your decision. It is between you and Allah. Whatever you do in your life, don't do it to please other people, do it for yourself and your akhirah.
Obviously you should be good to your in laws, and respect them etc, but that doesn't mean they get to dictate your actions and your dress to you.
Everyone will face tests in life, wearing a scarf is irrelevant to that.
Don't do anything you are not comfortable to keep the peace, otherwise things will escalate.
NoScarf, you don't want to wear the scarf so don't wear it. Your MIL is being ridiculous and using emotional blackmail to try to get you to change your mind. If your own conscience tells you it's fine to do without it, then who is anyone else to tell you what to do. Be strong!
Don't. Give her an inch and she'll take a mile.
Then, NoScarf, that's the truth for you.
From my own perspective, I think the true mark of being an adult is following your bliss - and by that I mean what is deeply meaningful to you - in spite of all opposition. Camus had it down pat with the last line of L'Etranger, in my opinion. Only now that I'm older do I understand what he was saying.
Going back to the OP, rather than the general headscarf issue, if the headscarf were the cause of your DP's stress(which it probably isn't anyway), surely the stress comes from his DM's reaction to the OP not wearing it, not from the OP's decision directly. Therefore the stress is still not your fault, but hers, IYSWIM. I don't suggest you say this to her, as I'm sure it won't help, but it's another way of looking at it. If he is comfortable with your decision then you haven't caused the stress.
This is the thing. I believe there is evidence both for and against headscarf. I believe there is a difference between covering normal apparent beauty such as face and/or hair, and covering those obviously sexual parts which could cause fitnah e.g bum boobs hips thighs and bare legs and arms. To themuslims in particular, you don't think I'm a bad person do you? It's apathetic question I know but I love islam and feel I am still totally decent being covered all over bar my head.subhanallah . Just wanna cry. I'm strong in the belief it's not neccessary but when everyone starts on at me I can't help questioning myself. They are all driving me mad.
In general, it's more important to be a good, kind, trustworthy person than to wear or not wear any particular item of clothing.
And I really can't see how anyone who insists that other people wear certain items of clothing is being a particularly good or kind person.
If you are wearing it to keep the peace and to make MIL STFU you are wearing it for the wrong reasons and wearing it is meaningless.
If they love you, they will accept your decision.
My dh's family had a very hard time accepting our relationship.(Them deeply religious Irish Catholics, me, English proddy from broken home!)
Their community and other family members frowned upon it. But, in the end
my charm and wit won them over they realised that they couldn't influence someone elses decisions and life choices just by voicing their dissaproval. Sometimes people act like spoilt children to get their own way. Don't give in to them!
Of course you aren't a bad person! I don't think anyone here is saying that. Another thing to bear in mind is that you will be judged by your intentions, and if you put the scarf on because you want to keep the peace it's not going to count in any case. That might help you to make peace with your decision.
All of you have been an enormous help and I feel strong within my personal belief. Will update inshallah. Thank you all, whatever belief you may be of xxx
Another hijab wearing Muslim here.
Of course you are not a bad person!
I also despair of the "Hijab as the 6th pillar of Islam" attitude of some.
Hijab should always be a choice, you've chosen not to wear it, anyone else can butt out.
And you MIL is vile for laying that kind of crap on you. It is not for her to speculate about qadr Allah, also why would Allah punish your husband for anything you've done, that's not how it works.
OP, put aside the wider debate about headscarfs. (Because that's not really what this is about, in my opinion.)
You have made a considered decision about how you live your life. Your MIL disagrees with your decision, and is not shy about voicing her disagreement. She even claims that your decision is responsible for making your husband ill (despite lack of exercise/poor diet being a far more likely candidate).
Well, to me it just looks like your MIL is being rather egotistical; she wants to be the Queen Bee and for you to do what she tells you. Nothing to do with religion, such women exist everywhere. Your choosing to do something differently to her is not seen as you choosing to do something for your own reasons; no, no, no, it is instead seen as a criticism of how she does it! Because, in her eyes, the world revolves around her and everything you do is all about her.
If it were not the headscarf, it would be something else. How you clean the bath, or what shops you use. Something. Anything.
Be aware that if you do knuckle under and wear headscarfs again, that will not be the end of it. Any other signs of difference will be picked up and criticised until you fall into line. After all (she will reason), it worked over the headscarf, didn't it?
Do you really want to make that rod for your back?
Oh, and as for her equally vocal friend - I think you said her daughters do not wear the headscarf? Take a leaf out of their book, and ignore the pair of them. You are the boss of you, nobody else.
can you text back 'would you like DH to ring and go over things a second time with you? You seem a bit confused'
I think sgb summed it up really well with this
"In general, it's more important to be a good, kind, trustworthy person than to wear or not wear any particular item of clothing.
And I really can't see how anyone who insists that other people wear certain items of clothing is being a particularly good or kind person."
You have your own reasons for not wearing it, it doesn't reflect badly on you. Your MIL's reaction does reflect badly on her though.
I also assume you MIL hasn't thought quite so deeply about why she does wear the scarf?
The doctor did not suggest that DH's chest pains were due to you having decided to stop wearing the head scarf, therefore his pains are not due to your decision.
Don't bow to this pressure. You need to do what is right for you or you will never feel comfortable being yourself. That would lead to a variety of issues. You need to be happy, and you have already identified that wearing the headscarf prevented this, as identified in your previous threads. Your DH is supporting your choice and you don't need his family's approval.
Don't do it.
You made your descidion, if I remeber rightly you did a lot of reading and praying first.
Your husband's symptoms are most likly to be because he has taken up football again.
I did have a smirk at your MIL though - maybe that's why parts of Scotland have shorter life expectancy and more heart disease. Nothing to do with fried mars bar, all to do with not enough headscarves.
Don't do it.
If she is that narrow minded then think of it as doing the world and your religion a favour by demonstrating to her the different ways people are now able to follow your faith.
Do NOT give in to her.
I am not going to see her today, purposefully. I sent her a text back thanking her for her concern, and that hubs was supporting me, and said I would see her on Thursday. She wears the headscarf because from what she has been taught in life by other people, that's how to be more religious. In a way, because of her own severe lack of knowledge about islam and because she doesn't seek knowledge for herself, there is no point going through it. There was never much point in even telling her and explaining to her all my evidence and reasons for doing so. With regards to her friend, she watches a ton of Islamic tv which is fine, but only airs the views of the majority, hence her opposing my decision. I'm both shocked and amazed at people's reactions and immediate judgement on my decision, and I seriously feel like I need to write a book about it!! Lol
"Implying that his chest pains are a result of my decision to remove my headscarf."
That´s so ridiculous that it doesn´t even deserve a response!
I think you should do what you feel is right for you-as she does.
I find it very intolerant that they cannot accept your decision & wish to force you to comply with what they want.
Hubs said he's going to speak to her. He is v calm when he says things like this but I know he will tell her in no uncertain terms to back off. Feel good about that but not good about having to see her every week. I'm used to going round there soon as I drop off ds to nursery but I'll now be limiting that to 3 days per week out of the 5.
Anyone else who knows someone that never says things to their face but will either talk behind their back or send a text message?
I'd def cut down the visits a bit, and gain a bit of distance.
I have in laws like this, (hindu not muslim though) and we just backed off altogether, and I think they are starting to realise that we do find the pressure a bit much and they do have to respect that we do have different feelings on things.
My in laws are a bit like yours. As bad things have happened, they've become increasingly religious because they think if they don't do xyz then something else bad is going to happen. I can really sympathise will you having to deal with that train of thought! I also think you aren't going to change her feelings, so a bit of space might make her realise that she does have to respect your views on matters too.
I wouldn't do things just to keep the peace, as I've found from experience that they just demand more and more.
No wonder some are of the view that religion is backward. There's no critical thinking anymore, just following what religious clergy say without any questioning or interpretation on the part of the individual. I hope if I do back off a bit, mil will understand she needs to respect my decision. I still cannot believe the fact that even though I'm extremely practising, I'm suddenly being ostracised literally over a piece of cloth on my head.
I am so glad I am not religious and have no family with an axe to grind. It must be really wearing added to the normal vicissitudes of life. This is not meant as a dig, just an observation.
YABU - if YOUR choice is not to wear the scarf (sorry not sure of your circumstances) then don't wear the scarf.
Its your life, your body, your decision - your husband's health is a competely separate matter from whether your wear a scarf or not.
Please don't doubt yourself - everyone has an opinion about something but that doesn't mean that everyone is right. The only person that can decide what is right in your situation is you and you must have felt comfortable making the decision initially not to wear a scarf now you must not allow other people to convince you to overturn your decision to make THEM feel better.
Even if your DH were not 100% comfortable with your decision I am sure you'd be VERY aware if it was upsetting him to the point of illness and stress. I cannot imagine he'd just suffer in silence if it were that important to him. If anything the stress is probably coming from the constant pressure and whingeing of his mother and his difficult position in trying to be loyal to you and respect your choices, but managing to appease his mother as well.
It is not as a direct result of your decision. She just wants you to think it is. Because she's trying to manipulate you with emotional blackmail. Stand firm and I am sure your DH will support you. Especially if you live in the UK and not a majority Muslim country.
NoScarf your MIL was completely out of order blaming your husband's illness on your not wearing a scarf. What a load of rubbish. I hope he starts to feel well soon.
I have Muslim friends at uni and some wear scarves and others don't. They are sincere in their love for Allah, they just express it differently.
I'm going to say the same as I would if she was pressuring you NOT to wear a headscarf. It is YOUR hair and your religious decision. It should never be about pressure. If she believes a scarf is best for HER, then she should wear one. She should also respect your religious beliefs!
Would it be counter-productive, if you sent her an email saying you've considered her text, and you would like her to take a look at the following links to pictures of Ascot Ladies' Day hats? If you do a google search, there should be some brilliantly absurd ones.
It could make your point nicely and give you a very much-needed laugh at the same time.
I hope your husband's health improves and the chest pains don't come back. Best wishes.
How can she call herself a nice person ( which is what every religion aims for) if she is willing to use emotional blackmail/bullying over something SHE does not agree with? Something that has no impact on her, or her family or has any opinion on in regards to the decision process?
How can a nice person blame their sons illness on his wifes clothing?
Ask her that and see what she says.
sis, you not a bad person!
Don't let her make you question yourslef. Let your confidence and esteem come from the fact you know that in every action you do, you are doing the right thing, and you know your intentions are good.
Send her this
Her sin is far far greater than any imagined one by your decision on something that is debatable.
My MIL doesn't want me to feed DDs in public as apparently people looking at her food causes illness (evil eye) having photos taken while pregnant could have caused my mc (jealousy) and a myriad other things. We smile and pay her on the head as she is kind but misguided. You give into this your future is doomed.
Subhanallah gheeba is awful isn't it.that goes for me too although alhamdulilah with mil, I'm always praising her to everyone,especially hubs, to keep the peace and keep bad thoughts at bay. Must also be careful about what I say. You're all keeping me strong and remind me first and foremost of my intentions,which certainly are not (as some think they are) to go swooshing my hair about and flirting with guys! For crying out loud you know I specifically wear it in plain styles to keep the point of modesty. Thanks so much everyone, will update soon xxxx
Wow how to put a guilt trip on you by your mil!
Tbh I would just tartly reply "perhaps he is stressed because he is sick of you going on about the bloody headscarf!"
I have a mil who insists that my husbands explicit sex conversations on the Internet with other women are because we were never really suited to one another (read I'm not good enough for him) and we should never have got married. After listening to this shit for weeks I finally snapped and told her exactly what I thought. She didn't like it, but at least she hasnt mentioned it since!
no scarf I remember your other thread and thought good for you to stick up for your beliefs. As I remember your DH was backing your decision but your MIL was being a PITA. It would be such a shame to give in just to get her off your back but I can understand if you feel it's just not worth the aggravation. Can your DH get her to STFU about it?
I despair of any such "I do this and you don't so that makes me more holy than you" attitude that ignores any personal devout commitment. I'm sorry I haven't read your previous posts but if as sashh mentioned upthread, you have already thought and prayed on this issue, and have presumably assured MIL of this, I don't see what more you can do.
Assuming MIL's concern for your DH is at the root of this
mingled with a sort of point scoring I would focus on his well-being and reiterate you are keeping all the religious observances and trying to lead a good life and care for your family. Then limit your weekly encounters with her.
OP - how you demonstrate your faith is your business and not your mil's. If your husband was seriously ill because of your lack of headwear THIS would be very odd.
You need to keep your distance from her (aka get her out of your life)
My mil is not from your faith but a similar one (southern european christian )she calls me now and then to tell me very odd things about how I'm (presumably) not looking after HER child (she means both ds and d). Hum. I just remind her I'm a better mum than her as I'm not encouraging my boy to be a mummy's kid, but instead an educated and comptent person who will do well in life and have a huge life (with both men and women in it)that respects other people (not like her). I'm apparently to blame that my husband is stressed (as I'm not a good catholic woman and causing issues). .
Deal with it and get her out of your radar. Fast.
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