To buy my own Christmas presents?

(109 Posts)
TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 05:08:35

OK, so I am not a materialistic person. Really, I'm not. But it is nice to get presents. When I was growing up we never had much money (my parents were on benefits for most of my childhood), but they always made sure we had great Christmases and Birthdays. They didn't spend a lot of money, as I said, we didn't have it, but they made us feel special and loved.

My DH on the other hand never bothers. I cannot remember the last time I got a present from him. Every birthday, christmas, anniversary, I tell him what I would like, but he never gets me anything. He used to, years ago. I always get nice things for him. His latest excuse is that he can't use his debit card to buy online from the UK (we are overseas), but he could ask me to get something and give me the money, or set up a Paypal account, for instance. Or buy something locally. He always manages to get presents for his parents hmm

I talked to him about it last night (again) and told him that it makes me feel that he doesn't appreciate me, to which he gave his usual reply, "yeah, fair enough". And I told him that it wasn't really good enough, to which he replied "nah, it's not, is it". That's it. End of the conversation.

So I made a list of all the things I have wanted for the past couple of years, and I am so tempted to just buy them for myself grin. I am sitting here with my list and my credit card.

Should I? Or am I BU? Thanks. Feel free to flame me if I am.

Lavenderhoney Mon 12-Nov-12 05:15:21

I would buy them, wrap them up, and hand them to myself on the day! I have done thissmile dh quite likes it, as it takes pressure off him and he then gets me something small like a bracelet so he has made an effort but no pressure- plus being short of funds I want what I want iykwim..

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 06:13:53

It's not really about the presents, it is more about making a point. I am hurt that he doesn't get me anything even though he knows it upsets me.

JellyMould Mon 12-Nov-12 06:18:57

That would really hurt me. Of course you deserve presents! How do you react on Christmas/birthdays when you don't have anything?

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 06:20:31

I always say how much it has hurt me, but he just ignores me or gives some lame excuse.

StuntNun Mon 12-Nov-12 06:23:36

Buy yourself a treat or two but maybe don't expect him to change his ways. From your brief description it doesn't sound like he's going to have an epiphany when he finds out you've bought presents for yourself.

Santasinmypudenda Mon 12-Nov-12 06:24:23

Does he get anything for Christmas?

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Mon 12-Nov-12 06:29:58

I would buy stuff that I want and know the family can afford, definitatly. But you, reasonably, want more than that. And his passive dismissive agreeing with you, is really not on.
he is deliberately not engaging with you, whats he like in other ways? Does he think you are always asking for stuff,is he spending less time with you ,is he bothered about somethingelse,is he distant?
He buys for his parents,so he is not being truthful to you.
If he wont engage with you ,you have a bigger problem with him, im afraid.

ChasedByBees Mon 12-Nov-12 06:33:52

I would put the money you usually spend on his nice Christmas present towards your own. Show him how it feels for a change. If he can do it for his parents he's not just generally h

ChasedByBees Mon 12-Nov-12 06:35:01

Gah pressed send

...Hopeless, as mayi said, it seems more of a problem. sad

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 06:35:25

I always buy him presents for birthdays & Christmas. No, he doesn't think I am always asking for stuff, I very rarely buy things for myself. He spends all his spare time with me and the kids (his choice). He has a history of being quite secretive, although I don't think he's hiding anything at the moment.

He doesn't really engage much, but I think that's just the way he is. We have fun together, but can never talk about important stuff.

Crikey, what a wanker.

Sorry, I'm sure he's nice in some way, but what a wanker. shock

That's so rude to say to you, almost as if he knows he's hurting you but doesn't care.

Anyway, you didn't ask my opinion on that but bloody YES, but yourself something nice. I'm not quite sure why you'd bother buying stuff for him given the response.

Snog Mon 12-Nov-12 06:44:30

In all honesty, unless he goes for counselling I think there is not much chance he will change his present giving to you. So I guess you have to find a way through this for yourself, on your own.

Is there stuff he could do for rather than buy for you on the day? If so ask for it. You need to feel valued, how else does he show you he values you?

Alligatorpie Mon 12-Nov-12 06:50:22

I understand you are hurt. Does he buy stuff from your dc's for you?

I sometimes buy and wrap my own presents, dh sends me links of what he wants. We rarely surprise each other with gifts....but it works for us and I don't think either of us has a problem with it. If we did, that would be different.

Yes, I would buy stuff and wrap it up in extra special paper. And put from your name on the tag.

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 06:52:51

He doesn't really show that he values me at all. Although he would argue differently. We just had a baby (through IVF) and he will argue that he agreed to the IVF for me. Whenever I criticise him he will say "well, I agreed to the IVF". It was very expensive, I understand that. And I do appreciate it as I know he didn't want another child.

Speaking of which, I nearly died giving birth and was in intensive care for 2 and a half days. I hardly saw him. He only brought the baby to see me twice and visited on his own once (he was 2 mins away). He blamed the hospital visiting hours, yet my consultant said he could come at any time because I was bf'ing.

When I asked him why he didn't come, he said that he didn't want to leave the baby. Fair enough, but he was happy to leave her to do the school run.

Not only that, but when I got out of intensive care I saw an email from his mum saying: "so glad TheHairyDieter is out of hospital. It will make things so much easier for you". He absolutely does not get why this upset me.

Convert Mon 12-Nov-12 07:01:45

Well, he sounds lovely. I think you really have deeper issues with him and I think you are totally justified in feeling that way. He seems incredibly selfish and thoughtless.
In the present side, I would take the money you would normally use to buy him a present, double it at least and buy yourself a fabulous present and buy him nothing. On Christmas morning when he doesn't have a present he might understand how you normally feel.

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 07:07:56

He has already hinted at what he wants for Christmas. It is very expensive. And imported. And the postage is the same price as the item. The thing is, part of me wants to get it for him because I want him to be happy. I know that makes me sound a bit wimpish, I'm not, honestly.

Santasinmypudenda Mon 12-Nov-12 07:15:00

Buy him nothing, he clearly doesnt think enough of you to get you one
.

I personally would spend the money on a one way ticket home

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 07:18:45

Would you really, Santasinmypudenda? So you don't think I'm overreacting?

Loveweekends10 Mon 12-Nov-12 07:23:48

I think the presents are the least of your worries to be honest.

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 07:26:59

He is not as bad as he sounds grin.

He rings me several times a day because he is 'missing' me. He tells me he loves me often. He would never say 'no' to anything I wanted, although that's not really the point...

I am just fucked off about the present issue, because it's important to me. And the fact that I just don't feel he values me, even though I don't doubt he loves me.

MrsCantSayAnything Mon 12-Nov-12 07:31:18

Do it. I just got myself some very impractical boots because I wanted them. I called it an early Christmas pressie.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 12-Nov-12 07:34:59

Op I would say, "look, I know you are hinting about getting golf clubs (for eg) for Christmas. I just want to let you know now that as you haven't bought me a Xmas or birthday present for 5 years (or whatever), I am not going to get you a gift this year."

How do you pay for presents in your family? Does all come out of the joint account?

Secondly I would say, "you need to stop using "I agreed to IVF" in any kind of argument or discussion. "
He did agree, you now have a baby and it's wrong to use the baby's origins as any kind of leverage. What if your older child overhears and thinks that only mummy not daddy wanted the baby.

How do you feel about raising these things with him?

Hmmmm, I'd say that he has lost interest and more than a little bit of love for you. That sounds harsh, but I had a partner like that once. He was rubbish at presents generally, but at the beginning of the relationship he managed fine. Once he stopped bothering.... well enough said really.

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 07:42:09

I have just bought myself this this this and these

Merry Christmas grin

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 07:45:35

Hmmmm, I'd say that he has lost interest and more than a little bit of love for you.

It does seem like it, doesn't it? sad

Uppermid Mon 12-Nov-12 07:49:48

I think he has a bloody cheek telling you what he wants. I would be buying him exactly what he gets you. Nothing.

Then if by some miracle e gets you something this year you can tell him now you know what it feels like. I know you like to do things for him to make him happy, I'm the same with my dh, however it is something g shared, if e behaved how yours does there would be trouble. And as someone else said, this really is t about the presents, it's his attitude.

Santasinmypudenda Mon 12-Nov-12 07:50:17

Yes really, you sound like his flatmate not his girlfriend. He expects gift from you but cant be arsed to get you anything, he sounds like he uses the ivf as a ' aren't i great' card 'I've done this for you and thats enough'

Doesn't sound like your very happy

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 07:55:38

No, I'm not, really. But not unhappy enough to leave.

ENormaSnob Mon 12-Nov-12 08:00:53

I think both the lack of effort and the response when challenged speak volumes IMO.

It shows a distinct lack of respect and like he is just not arsed about you sad

The fact he buys others gifts makes it worse.

Santasinmypudenda Mon 12-Nov-12 08:04:48

Indeed ENormaSNob. Why can he put effort into everyone elses gift but not even try for you?

mum2threesons Mon 12-Nov-12 08:09:13

I agree with Santasinmypudenda Don't buy him anything and spend the money on yourself and your children. If he doesn't make an effort for you why should you for him?

He manages to do it for his parents, so it is not a generalised 'presents don't matter' - it is a specific 'presents for my wife don't matter'. And "He has already hinted at what he wants for Christmas." angry Well, he can fuck right off!! Really, DO NOT BUY HIM ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS. The fact that you do lets him continue to think that his behaviour is acceptable. He needs to be on the receiving end of HIS OWN behaviour to understand it. And he'd better be abjectly apologetic to you on Christmas day and not a whingey little arse.

I think it might be better to try and revive the relationship and rekindle the spark. Perhaps you could have a joint present of night away together, or some evenings out, and leave the children with a sitter? The IVF thing obviously bothered him, it does sound like he felt pressured and resents it. Ok so he shouldn't be using that for point scoring in front of the children, but you do need to talk about it and clear the air.

WineGoggles Mon 12-Nov-12 08:23:22

YANBU to buy yourself christmas presents but YABU to buy him anything and to put up with his behaviour. It's all very well that he often tells you he loves you but actions speak louder than words and he simply can't be arsed can he. What a selfish bastard sad. If I was with someone like that he'd only not get me a present once; twice would be a deal breaker unless in exceptional circumstances. And I'd definitely never buy presents for a partner who didn't reciprocate.

StuntNun Mon 12-Nov-12 08:30:16

Hairy I don't think it's unreasonable to want to buy your DH a lovely present for Christmas. Clearly you have a problem with him not buying you presents but that doesn't mean your relationship is at risk. He has some kind of mental block about you and presents and you can either accept that this is one area he is crap about or you can encourage him to be more active. But definitely buy stuff for yourself, you need a treat too.

My DH didn't buy me an eternity ring after my DS1 was born because money was tight. Fair enough but five years later when he had the means (and I wasn't expecting anything expensive) he still hadn't got round to it. I found one I liked, cut out the picture from the catalogue, wrote 'Hint hint' on it and very obviously tucked it into his breast pocket. What do you know, a week later a lovely ring arrived! Sometimes they need all the help they can get!

Can you make it more clear to him that you expect a Christmas present from him?

Snog Mon 12-Nov-12 08:44:15

Hairydieter, if you don't feel valued in your relationship this will be pyschologically and emotionally damaging for you and your dc so you really do need to resolve this situation.

Mentioning the IVF in arguments is totally unacceptable. I suggest you give counselling a try. You owe it to yourself and the dc to make some changes and not to carry on like this.

"He rings me several times a day because he is 'missing' me."
I'd wonder if he was checking up on me ...
"He tells me he loves me often."
But is happy to do something to you that you have repeatedly told him upsets you.
"He would never say 'no' to anything I wanted, although that's not really the point..."
You don't sound like you ask for much. You asked for IVF, he said yes - and flings it in your face regularly. Doesn't exactly encourage you to ask, does it?

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Mon 12-Nov-12 08:53:00

Hairy, it sounds like this self absorbtion, started with his upbringing.

Your said that his mother told him that your hospitalisation was an inconvenience for him.
Either he has always been the centre of parents world or they tiptoe around him for other reasons.Either way thats difficult to live with.

Wish I could help more.

By the way, and this is just me being nosy, and wont really help you, but what did he ask for for christmas?

cashmere Mon 12-Nov-12 08:56:14

Hmmm this was a significant issue in my last relationship which got progressively worse. Its incredibly hurtful/humiliating to have nothing to open at Christmas/Birthdays.
If I had my time again I absolutely wouldn't buy him anything- as strange as that feels to do. It will hopefully be a wake up call for him. If it's not it doesn't bode well to me.

Incidentally I'm not getting anything from DH this year but that is as I'm on mat leave and skint- peace of mind about finances is more important this year and that has been agreed!

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 09:01:07

He wasn't indulged as a child, at all. His parents are quite mean and he didn't get a lot of stuff. I wonder if that is why he is mean with me?

His parents really dislike me. It's nothing I've done, they just dislike me. The SIL is very jealous of mine and DH's relationship and has caused a lot of problems over the years.

The present is something he wants for his car. It is $600.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Mon 12-Nov-12 09:07:25

Is he not giving to you ,because his family will find out, and give him a hard time?
By him putting you last,they are being reassured that he cares for them more than you. To jelous mean people this must be a great payback.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Mon 12-Nov-12 09:08:56

Maybe this is what is happening, if so he still needs to man-up

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Mon 12-Nov-12 09:09:41

Loving your presents by the way grin.

"*He has a history of being quite secretive*, although I don't think he's hiding anything at the moment."
I'm curious about this Hairy. 'He has a history' implies multiple instances. What sort of things was he secretive about? How did you find out about them eventually? Do you believe you found out about them all?

flakjacket Mon 12-Nov-12 09:17:57

I think our DH's must be related. I never get birthday/Christmas/Valentine presents or cards and tbh he isn't bothered whether he gets any either. It really upsets me and makes me resentful. When I have bought stuff for myself and put it under the tree at Christmas the children think he has bought it for me and I resent that too!

I really feel for you HairyDieter. I think you may be right about his upbringing. Dh's parents were/are mean and Dh had very little as a child - most of it hand-me-downs. Having said that, he doesn't begrudge the kids presents - as long as I buy them hmm. He must have a lovely Christmas with all those surprises...

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack - you touched a nerve!

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 09:18:07

WhereYouLeftIt, he managed to maintain quite a committed porn addiction over a long period of time without me even having a hint that he liked porn. I literally had no idea. He doesn't do this now, I am glad to say. Although my self-esteem never recovered.

His family blatantly don't like me, yet he maintained for years that they did. I uncovered some emails that illustrated the depth of their dislike for me that he had never disclosed. I felt he should have been honest.

He lies about things. And I suspect there are other things he has lied about. I just don't know.

fuzzpig Mon 12-Nov-12 09:20:37

I wonder if he still gets his parents gifts because he is scared of their reaction if he doesn't.

And yet he still doesn't give a shit that you have nothing. Sounds like he respects them more than you. Cashmere is right - humiliating is exactly what it feels like to have no gift (in my case it was my parents who don't often bother).

What will your DCs think when they see you get no gift from daddy?

Can't believe he actually hints at what (incredibly expensive) gift he wants and still gets you nothing?! Tosser.

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 09:20:44

Loving your presents by the way grin.

Glad you like them grin.

mercibucket Mon 12-Nov-12 09:25:54

Can I just throw into the mix the different ways people express love. Some do it through gifts, some through words and some through actions. Maybe you show love in different ways? Him through words, you through gifts. Uselessly I can't remember the name of the book I read that talked about this but it shone a new light on several of my close relationships - my mum, who does loads for us but has never said she loved me, my sister, who needs to be told ahe is loved. You can see the problem there straight off!
I don't know how relevant it is, but I just wonder because you say he phones often and doesn't seem to get the present thing at all. I also never understood the whole present thing, just buy what you want yourself, sorry, but I do see that others seem to see it differently. I'm afraid I did give up this year for dh and just said to get himself a bike he wanted. I'd rather do that every year tbh but dh would start to complain
Anyway, it was just a thought

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 09:29:49

You might have a point, mercibucket.

MissVerinder Mon 12-Nov-12 09:31:27

YANBU. I love your 'to me, from me' gifts.

I really feel for you. Most of the time, my DP is as much use as a chocolate tea pot and a class one liar.

However, he always gets me a decent Christmas present.

It's not hard; if you don't know what to get, get a gift card.

I would buy him his present, deposit it somewhere, and on Christmas day say to him, "ooooh, present exchange, you go first then I'll go and fetch yours <expectant look>" and make him actually say "I haven't got you one."

Your reply will be; "That's ok, because I got your hint from the last x years and didn't get you one either."

(then return/sell his gift and book a spa day or abseiling or whatever you fancy)

SugarplumMary Mon 12-Nov-12 09:43:33

It sounds like you have deeper issues.

However my DH has done this on my birthday - and other occasions - he doesn’t always do it and sometimes puts a lot of effort in its very variable but for no obvious reason.

When the DC got old enough to understand and wanted to give me stuff - fairly early on - I started buying stuff for them to give me just in case - feels odd but I get what I want and I don't get embarrassed having to explain to them sometimes DH doesn't bother.

I’ve found its best to try and have a plan up my sleeve – just in case – so I don’t get upset. Took time to get there though and some years my own family don’t make any effort – always felt awful when DH and family not bothering coincidenced – felt I must be a terrible person and very unloved rather than overlooked.

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 09:48:30

It sounds like you have deeper issues.

Like what? Sorry, not challenging you, just genuinely interested. I can't see the wood for the trees, although I know I am far from happy.

fuzzpig Mon 12-Nov-12 09:51:01

I thought someone would mention that book (it's called languages of love or something) - it does sound interesting.

However, clearly H knows that presents show love because he still gets his parents presents sad and he knows that it upsets OP and doesn't give a shit.

Money isn't an issue (I'm guessing from the presents mentioned) but he can't even spend a tenner on a nice book or something.

RobotLover68 Mon 12-Nov-12 10:02:27

You sound like a people pleaser OP - I used to be like that then woke up one day and realised it didn't work - example: friend was going through a bad marriage break up - I bought her wine, choccies, flowers, card, shoulder to cry on etc. - at around the same time my lovely father died, I didn't even get a condolences card from her - nada! - I woke up and smelt the coffee and stopped trying to please people

SugarplumMary Mon 12-Nov-12 11:14:57

Sorry meant your relationship TheHairyDieter - sorry that wasn't clear.

From your posts I get your not happy, you talk of him keeping secretes – suggest trust is a problem – though can perhaps under why he hasn’t told you everything his parents say about you denying there is an issue at all is odd- he’s throwing the IVF at you – the was a joint decision to make a DC not done ‘for you’.

You've told him not bothering with presents hurts you - it doesn't change yet he make demands about what he wants - communication isn't a two way street. When I spoke to Dh he was horrified he upset me and would possibly mean an improvement next time not always though.
.

This isn’t just a not buying a present issue –it’s a whole relationship issue. The porn and IVF sound horribly stressful perhaps they’ve taken a toll on the relationship?

DecAndAnt Mon 12-Nov-12 11:18:52

Love the presents but as you have years of missed presents you need to buy yourself MORE.
Please, please don't get him anything, he really needs to know how strongly you feel about this.
I am speechless that he won't get you anything, yet tells you what he wants !
I think you'd be a fool to get him anything tbh

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Mon 12-Nov-12 11:48:59

Hairy do you get presents acknowledgments from others?
Friends, family and so on.
If you do ,does he see this happening and what is his reaction, ignoring,belittleing,enthusiastic,suspicious?
If not, and he is your only source of meaningful gift by another adult, then I can see how it would be really painful, and clearly you deserve better. I hope you see how people on mn have really taken to you.

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 13:35:21

It's not that he stubbornly refuses to get me anything, it just doesn't happen, IYSWIM. He will sometimes make a gesture, like looking at a link of something I have sent him as a hint, but it won't go beyond that.

It will be interesting to see how he feels when I don't get him anything this year. I feel really bad, though.

Love the presents but as you have years of missed presents you need to buy yourself MORE.

Totally agree. Any suggestions? grin

WishICouldBeLikeDavidWicks Mon 12-Nov-12 13:56:53

You said you weren't materialistic but you're desperate for your partner to buy you things in a forced show of affection.
He obviously doesn't care, so you should just buy yourself whatever you want and he can get get himself whatever he wants. lower your expectations, he sounds like a lazy shit, don't expect so much. If you want to be wallowing in this gift giving nonsense for the next 30 years, carry on.

WishICouldBeLikeDavidWicks Mon 12-Nov-12 14:02:27

^^
Above post should be read matter of factly, not shouty, sorry if it comes across like that!

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 14:04:28

Ouch, that hurt, WishICouldBeLikeDavidWicks, but I know you're right sad.

LondonNinja Mon 12-Nov-12 14:07:26

Right, I seriously think he's taking the piss you for granted. He doesn't seem able to get off his arse, or even sit on his arse, and do a bit of shopping for you. If he was one of those "I don't do presents" people, then, fine. But he's bloody well askin for a gift, and a pricey one at that.

I'd spend the $600 on presents for you (nice ones so far, btw) and when it comes to Christmas, just say you felt he wasn't that keen on the whole present thing, so you didn't buy anything this year. Actions speak louder than words, and if he doesn't understand why you are upset, what with you having explained it, he never will. Let him feel it!

His parents sound like knobs interesting, too.

Zalen Mon 12-Nov-12 14:58:52

I've been thinking along the same lines as LondonNinja.

Maybe buy him something small and easily returnable or something you want yourself that you can whip out if he does get the message before Christmas.

Otherwise when he turns the puppy-doy eyes on you when there is nothing for him under the tree from you just say "Oh, I didn't think we were doing presents this year." while looking pointedly at the blank space in front of you.

I bought my husband 'The Hurt Locker' on DVD for our anniversary this year, when the day passed with no mention of it from either of us I had a nice new movie to add to my collection, hmmm Jeremy Renner.

Ephiny Mon 12-Nov-12 15:07:12

YANBU to buy yourself stuff. No need to make it 'Christmas presents' from yourself though, that's a bit twee. If you want something, and you can afford it and have space for it, just buy it. That's what I do anyway!

I am not bothered about giving/receiving presents, but it's clear that there are underlying issues here with how valued you feel in your relationship. And it seems a bit off that he's asking for expensive presents for himself while not bothering to do anything for you!

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 15:09:07

I think he will want to get the car thing for himself, then expect me to pay for it. I am tempted to say something like: "look, you didn't get me anything for my last few birthdays and last few Christmases or anniversaries, and you know how much it hurts me, so let's stop the charade right now and stop present-buying completely. I won't buy you anything and I suggest you don't buy me anything, not that you ever do anyway".

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 12-Nov-12 15:10:52

There is something in the love languages I think. But my DH would naturally not be a gift giver - but wouldnt care if he never got any either. Yours is different as he expects to receive and not give.

Sorry to ask again but would the $600 for his gift come from the joint account or your savings?

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 15:21:26

About the $600... I am going back to work next week, so I would probably give it to him when I get paid. It is partly my fault in that I asked him what he wanted, but then at the same time felt resentful as I know he won't get anything for me.

I have brought it on myself, really. It was suggested down thread that I am a people pleaser... I think I probably am. Part of me feels grateful that he's with me. I think I don't really feel worthy of him. This is nothing that he has done, it is more to do with the circumstances I was in when he met me. I hate these expressions, but I come from a real 'chavvy/trailer trash' background and my life was very much like that when he met me. Even though it is me, though my own efforts, that has carved a better life for myself and, as a result, him, and we've had two kids, I still feel that I don't really deserve him, I guess.

Ephiny Mon 12-Nov-12 15:25:33

I don't understand the $600 thing. Do you keep all your finances separate, even though you're married with children together? Seems to me that if he wants to buy the car thing for himself, he should just buy it and be done with it confused.

If it's just you giving him money, and him doing nothing for you, that's not really 'exchanging presents' in any meaningful way. I really don't see the purpose of it.

TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 15:27:47

Yeah, we have never had a joint back account (my choice). I am not buying it for him, so we'll just have to see if he buys it for himself. Meanwhile, I have some lovely things on their way grin.

Gosh, I feel bad now sad

Ephiny Mon 12-Nov-12 15:31:44

Fair enough, we don't actually have joint accounts either (just never got around to setting them up!), there's nothing necessarily wrong with that. I still wouldn't really see the point of me giving DH money like that though.

You have nothing to feel bad about here confused. Enjoy your 'presents'!

LondonNinja Mon 12-Nov-12 16:11:30

Don't feel bad! Enjoy your haul and don't give him the car thing. Just say you looked at it etc etc (just like he does) and there wasn't one in stock at the time, and then let it drop...

LondonNinja Mon 12-Nov-12 16:11:49

(looked online I mean)

MummytoKatie Mon 12-Nov-12 16:13:36

Neither dh or I are particularly into big presents. (We are both badly missing the materialism gene, we have plenty of money so if we want something we just buy it, we have had a joint account forever so technically we may as well just buy for ourselves and we are both a bit disorganised as far as present buying goes.)

Actually this year he didn't even get me a card. And I told him not to.

The reason being that the w/e before my birthday was my best friend's wedding so we were away. It was the hottest weekend of the year and we were in the hottest city in the country. Dh copes very badly with the heat. However, I was bridesmaid and he did all the looking after of dd throughout the night before meal, getting her ready, two ceremonies, photos, speeches etc. and both nights he put her to bed so I could stay up. All in all he was a star!

Anyway the next day me, my mum and dd were all going to visit my gran who is in a home in the city. I suggested he went for a swim in the hotel pool. (Temp still 38 degrees.) He looked sheepish and said he needed to go shopping. I twigged he'd forgotten it was my birthday the next day and he was going to get me something. Told him not to be ridiculous and to go and have a swim.

The thing is though is that I know he loves me so presents and cards are meaningless. If you don't, or if presents are important to you, then it is very different.

Your H thinks he and his family deserve presents, but you don't. He knows this upsets you, but doesn't care. He expects you to be eternally grateful to him for fathering your dc. Is this the relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life? Is it what you want your dc to emulate?

cm22v077 Mon 12-Nov-12 16:53:47

YANBU! Treat yourself! smile x

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 12-Nov-12 18:17:35

I think your note up thread about Ending the charade is a good one. It is really bizarre to me that he would ask for a $600 item when you don't currently have the funds for it. If me and DH had separate finances and he hadn't been working for a bit, my answer to what "would you like?" would be something like a DVD, not something that is presumably a noticeable chunk of your first pay packet.

How do you split paying for household expenses etc?

Snog Mon 12-Nov-12 19:58:56

OP write us a list of what really makes a person worthwhile, and worthy of love - I suggest this as you say you do not feel worthy of this man's love.

Tbh I suspect you are worthy of a whole lot more. Write the list for us.

TheHairyDieter Tue 13-Nov-12 09:22:46

Yeah, I think it's the way his family have always disregarded me as well as the fact that he would rather look at other women on the internet than spend time with me, that made me feel I am not good enough. My DH is also very good looking which makes me feel inadequate, because I'm kind of not, really. I used to be, but I have let myself go. I am also quite a bit older than him, which doesn't help, either.

meddie Tue 13-Nov-12 10:01:00

After years of none, or crap gifts from my now Ex husband, I started to make a point of buying myself one special present at christmas. I can honestly say its the present I most look forward to receiving :D

LondonNinja Tue 13-Nov-12 10:02:54

He's good looking but he's a prat. His family sound awful. You beat yourself up far too much and you, dare I say it, are putting up with some shitty treatment.

I'm feeling rather forthright today, so feel free to ignore, but you could do yourself a huge favour and buy yourself a big present: freedom from this emotionally abusive family... Bloody hell, your DH is hardly making you happy, is he?

Chubfuddler Tue 13-Nov-12 10:22:31

If I were married to your husband I'd buy myself a divorce for Christmas. He sounds like a selfish arse.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Tue 13-Nov-12 10:23:13

ok, so you're not good looking (or you dont think so)
you know you are from a lower "class" than him, but you have overcome a lot

you have endured neglectful behaviour from your better looking, socially better established,"partner".

You dont have any sharing of his finances ,and he beleaves you are a distant money pot for his "requirements".

On one hand you seem to expect people to behave kindly,morally, because you do and have been taught to by your (obviously really sound)parents, and yet you dont have the confidence to see this inequality in your relationship.

Fast forward five years, what do you see?

TheHairyDieter Tue 13-Nov-12 11:46:40

Yeah, he's not really as bad as he sounds. I think it is more that he is slack rather than deliberately nasty (which is more than I can say for his family). I have thought about leaving a few times over the years. I do love him, I think it is I who needs to change. If only I could work out how to not be so needy and reliant on him...

Chubfuddler Tue 13-Nov-12 12:08:16

<face palm>

Good luck op, you'll need it.

TheHairyDieter Tue 13-Nov-12 12:14:26

What does this mean: <face palm>. Thanks.

Chubfuddler Tue 13-Nov-12 12:15:23

It's my palm, hitting my face in despair at your last post.

TheHairyDieter Tue 13-Nov-12 12:20:03

Why don't you just say what you mean? I could maybe benefit from your perspective.

Whoknowswhocares Tue 13-Nov-12 12:39:35

So he hurts you knowingly and doesn't care
He can't be arsed to visit you in hospital when you are seriously ill
He is secretive and lies
He wants to be treated with presents and kindness, but expects it to be one way
He watched porn even though you have made your unhappiness about it clear
He lets his family disrespect you
He thinks he's done you a 'favour' in having a child with you and throws it in your face every time he wants his own way

And you think it is you who needs to change? REALLY?
Are you happy to live like this for the next 30 years or so? Because he won't change.

SugarplumMary Tue 13-Nov-12 12:43:32

If he was just being slack - he'd have been horrified he'd upset you rather than indiffernet.

I think it is I who needs to change. If only I could work out how to not be so needy and reliant on him...

You’re blaming yourself here and forgetting there are two people in a relationship and both need make it work - if only one tries it’s going to fail.

TheHairyDieter Tue 13-Nov-12 12:44:16

Actually, apart from the porn thing (doesn't do that anymore) you are spot on sad. Maybe things are worse than I thought sad.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Tue 13-Nov-12 14:33:08

I'm sorry.

nickelrocketgoBooooooom Tue 13-Nov-12 14:39:59

If he doesn't do presents for you, then you must stop doing presents for him.

i hope it's nothing deeper than him just forgetting/not thinking.

ps: i love your presents. beautiful and practical :0

fuzzpig Tue 13-Nov-12 15:48:29

Oh hairy. sad Where is your self esteem? (((Hug)))

I'm glad you are starting to see the truth, it sounds like he's really manipulated you.

Snog Tue 13-Nov-12 19:50:23

I said "OP write us a list of what really makes a person worthwhile, and worthy of love - I suggest this as you say you do not feel worthy of this man's love. Tbh I suspect you are worthy of a whole lot more. Write the list for us. "
You replied with the reasons you are not worthy of love in your own view ie you are older than your dh and you feel that he is better looking.

So does that mean that in your view a person is only worthy of love if they are better looking than their dh and younger? Is that what makes someone worthy of love or not? And if you are from a poorer background are you less of a person or less worthy of love?

Have another try OP - write me a list of what makes a person worthwhile and worthy of love?

And if you truly love someone, would you want them to feel needy and reliant on you? It sounds to me like your dh likes you to feel like this.

Your happiness should be important to your dh. He should treat you with respect and make you feel cherished and loved for who you are. He should give you emotional support and be your friend. He should care not one jot if you are from a poorer home or if you are a few years older than him. If he loves you you will always look beautiful to him.

You cannot change to make him love you. OP I think counselling woud help you enormously at this point. Don't waste your life being unhappy - it doesn't need to be this way.

TheHairyDieter Wed 14-Nov-12 04:59:30

There is quite a shocking backstory, which I am not sure I can post on a public forum, but quite happy to disclose in a PM... if anybody's interested, of course.

midseasonsale Wed 14-Nov-12 05:24:25

don't get him the 600 car gift. just something small. also things for yourself to unwrap Xmas day of equal value.

midseasonsale Wed 14-Nov-12 05:26:54

do you think he loves you?

Isityouorme Wed 14-Nov-12 06:02:11

Please don't buy him any presents. Wrap yours up and give them to yourself on Christmas Day. I think it is the only way to get him to recognise what a dick he is. He sounds quite selfish and you must stop pandering to him.

Snog Wed 14-Nov-12 06:36:24

PM me if you like OP
What I want for Christmas though is for you to get yourself some decent RL support for the sake of you and your dc.happiness is waiting for you OP. find a good counsellor.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Wed 14-Nov-12 07:23:22

Hairy - after all mn comments, maybe the next step is nothing to do with him, (like you said) but work out how to live your life without him. Building up a network away from him, work on self esteem, and when he sees you changing he wil either be impressed(not nec) or you will be strong enough to help yourself.
I hate that the only advice I can give any woman is not trust their partner to support them, but I honestly believe that.
I think all mothers have to be the strong one for their children, and themself, because to expect support when you really need never happens.
Build up another network, (dont be beligerent to your partner, or cruel) and understand that everyone on mn whether they admit it or not is doing this too.

If you think it would be helpful to share the back story I'd be happy to listen Hairy. Or if you prefer you could name change and post in relationships, I'm sure you'd get great advice there.

HermioneHatesHoovering Thu 15-Nov-12 06:23:30

"He has already hinted at what he wants for Christmas. It is very expensive." shock

Tell him to FUCK OFF TO THE FAR SIDE OF FUCK AND WHEN HE GETS THERE TO FUCK OFF SOME MORE.

When you've done that add up what you've spent on his presents for the whole time he's not bought you any and spend it all on yourself.

cantreachmytoes Thu 15-Nov-12 07:49:11

Although he is in contact with his parents, do you think he actually likes and respects them? I'm wondering (cliché alert, but bear with me) if he has a deep-seated problem with his mother which could translate into a problem with relationships with women. He seems to have a problem of giving to woman, at least in some ways (gift is obvious, but porn is all about taking). In a roundabout way, his not giving you a present, when he clearly knows the value of receiving them himself, could be related to feelings (even subconsciously) he has towards his awful sounding mother, but for whatever reason had never been able to express.

That definitely doesn't make it ok though and I also think he needs to not receive a gift this Christmas.

It sounds like you're not happy, but leaving is a big step - especially if you're abroad (think you mentioned that you are). If counselling is available where you are, it might be a good avenue to take before leaving. If he refuses to ever go, then that's a different issue.

So no gift for Christmas, but a Valentine's surprise of 10 counselling sessions!

3plus2 Thu 15-Nov-12 08:00:43

If it helps which it won't my DP is the same I've decided I'm not buying for him or his family this year ,as I have done every year since we have been together! He doesn't buy for the DC's either nope that all down to me and tbh I now hate Christmas and its all cause of him

Bosgrove Thu 15-Nov-12 14:05:09

I am getting a camera for Christmas from my DH, how do I know?

I reserved it at Argos and requested that the reservation number be sent to his phone by text.

It is the only way I would get a present as otherwise I would have to buy it for myself. He didn't give my anything for my 40th this year when I refused to buy my own and called his bluff.

It's not that he doesn't love me, he does and shows it in lots of different ways, it's just that some men aren't very good at buying presents and he never picked up on any hints that I gave him.

fedupofnamechanging Thu 15-Nov-12 16:31:44

Hairy, anyone can say 'I love you' - some people are very good at saying all the right things. But in the end, you only know it's true, by the way they behave towards you. Your husband is not behaving like a man who loves you.

I think it's heartbreaking to be in a marriage and have to buy your own Christmas presents, because he can't be bothered. It's one thing for a couple to have a genuine agreement not to buy these things, but he knows it matters to you and he just cba to make an effort. And that isn't even your biggest problem - a man who routinely lies and hides chunks of his life from you is not really your partner in life. It is hugely disrespectful.

I think he doesn't deserve you. You are going to have to make some tough decisions - do you suck it up and live this way forever, or do you look at building a life that doesn't necessarily include him. I think ultimatums (that you are prepared to follow through) need to be made and if he doesn't make real steps to change then I can't see you being happy, ever.

Throwing the IVF back at you is just horrible - there are no excuses for that.

3plus2 Thu 15-Nov-12 17:43:03

I think it's a man thing like above some men really don't do presents ! My dad doesn't for my mum , mine doesn't for me think they just don't know how ! So I'm not getting for them either instead the money I would have spent on them I will spend on myself /D

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