to be gutted DS asked me to write a New Daddy on his christmas list?

(26 Posts)
BattlingFanjos Mon 12-Nov-12 00:08:43

He's 4.8, doesn't see his dad. Had very little contact for the first 2 years of his life (saw him a handful of times and wasn't introduced as "daddy" as I knew he would go off again) and now nothing due to several reasons. The main one being he is a prick and isn't interested. I have had one relationship in his lifetime and we split 6 months ago.
He knew my ex wasn't his dad, saw him occasionally through the week and on the odd days we all went out on the weekend together. He sometimes asks iwhy we don't see him and we talk about him but it's rare. Doesn't seem to have had a massive negative effect, it's almost like he's not even noticed. We didn't live together and he didn't 'parent' my DS.

Tonight he saw something on the tv and asked if Santa could get him it, I said we'd put it on his ever expanding list. He then said "Will you ask Santa for a new Daddy as well please?"
My heart broke, I felt it, physical pain! Why, why, why?! I'm just sooooo fucking sad that he obviously feels like he is missing out regardless of what I try to do! We talked about it and he decided he was happier it just being me and him (had a play fight, stories and quality time til bedtime so it took his mind away from it).

Guess the question is AIBU to be really sad that my beautiful, bright, confident boy just wants a daddy for christmas and to be feeling like such a shit mum?

StuntGirl Mon 12-Nov-12 00:11:25

You are so far removed from a shit mum! You do your best for you son and he will grow up to love and respect you for that. He might think he's missing out now but when he grows up he'll realise the only one missing out is his twat of a dad <voice of experience>

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 12-Nov-12 00:11:46

Aww OP it's hard isn't it. My dd (almost 7) has been trying to marry me off for the last 2 years.

Distraction distraction distraction and tell him how much you like it being you and him.

SirBoobAlot Mon 12-Nov-12 00:14:17

Ah love I feel your pain sad I have no practical advice, but just wanted to send a huge hug. It hurts like fuck now (stabs me each time DS asks for Daddy instead of me, feels like I do everything and its never enough, plus I am letting him down) but when he is older he will understand what a twat his dad is, and know that you did the very best for him.

Much love. x

flyoverthegoldenhill Mon 12-Nov-12 00:16:11

darling Battling wine
he is only asking for stuff - your lovely boy is sooooooo lucky as he has a great mum........ I bet you wont moan if you dont get something from your wish list - and you will be so happy - sharing lots of hugs, kisses, cuddles and fun,.............. and they are all free smile

BattlingFanjos Mon 12-Nov-12 00:21:31

Stuntgirl I completely get where you're coming from. My dad's not the best (ha!). Thank you all smile it is so hard, and it really really does hurt SirBootAlot (love the name lol) these men (and women) just do not understand or care about the consequences their actions create!

InNeedOfBrandy DS wants to get married to me, so I'm not at that stage yet lol. Although, that conversation is probably going to be harder than this one! [Grin]

It'll all work out in the end (it bloody has to) I just hope I'm doing enough to counteract the feelings of "Why does xxx have a daddy and I don't?"

BattlingFanjos Mon 12-Nov-12 00:24:00

Thank you fly some lovely positive responses tonight, you know you're onto a good thing when something happens and the first thing you do is pick up the phone and turn to MumsNet! [Grin]

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 12-Nov-12 00:30:20

Big Hugs. It must be horrible to hear something like that, something you can't do anything about sad

The thing is though, you are not a shit Mum, not at all. His father on the other hand.... It sounds like you are both better with him completely out of the picture! No Dad around is much better than a shit Dad around.... sometimes...when he can be arsed.

I would just say to him 'I'm sorry we can just order a new Daddy DS, if we could, I would. Maybe one day you will have a new Daddy, but for now it's you and me and we make a really good team don't we smile' I would be careful not to make a 'new' Daddy seem like a terrible idea, you never know what the future brings and you don't want him thinking that all of a sudden he's not enough for you. I hope that makes sense?!

BattlingFanjos Mon 12-Nov-12 00:37:24

Makes lots of sense Chipping !! Thank you smile That's the line I've pretty much taken, just need a little back up I think. You never know if you've got it right until you've got it wrong.
He seemed happy enough with the answers I gave him and didn't mention it again. He's got 3 brilliant uncles that are amazing with him and he adores them so plenty of male figures and played the card about new people and how we don't know who we might meet for new friends. He's my baby, always will be, I knew I couldn't protect him from 'the real world' forever but I could try lol

flyoverthegoldenhill Mon 12-Nov-12 00:42:12

Battling my exh was a twat. But I am so very proud of my dds, very very proud. I was so skint I made all their Xmas presents............ironically today I went round JL...............and they were selling (for lots of £££££££££££££) so many things we hand made...
good luck smile wine
I wish you well smile

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Mon 12-Nov-12 00:43:19

It's great he's got some good male role models in his life, you are doing a grand job, he will be fine smile

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 12-Nov-12 01:47:39

It might pay to see if any of the Uncles can (if they don't already) go to any of the 'Dad' stuff at school (our school has quite a few 'Dad' days (craft/electronics/walks etc and stuff like the Autumn Show or Christmas nativity), or do some of the picks ups from school... any of the 'Dad' stuff that he feels he's missing out on.

Try talking to his class teacher and see if she can (if she isn't already) suggest doing things for 'Dad/Grandad/favourite male grownup' when they are doing things for 'Dad's'. My Godson came home one day, when he was about 5, very upset. When my friend got to the bottom of it <eventually> it turned out they were making cards for Grans for something (Christmas/Mother's Day whatever) and he said he didn't have a Gran - so instead of the teacher talking to him and working out what else he might have, she just told him to go and play with the cars! He didn't really know what a Gran was, just that he didn't have one sad He did have two Nan's - he just didn't know they were the same thing grin

He certainly wont be the only kid in his class that doesn't have a Dad in his life sad

BattlingFanjos Mon 12-Nov-12 09:14:10

Fly that really is lovely smile we're doing handmade for all the family this year. It's very trendy right now lol.
The majority involved at the school are mums anyway chipping my friends' partner picks up their son and makes a massive effort to be involved in both boys' pick up. We grew up together and so are the boys so that's nice. I am very lucky to have some good people around us, iit could be a lot harder

DeWe Mon 12-Nov-12 09:44:38

Ds (age 5) was going to trade me in for a "new mum" when I wouldn't get him something he wanted. I'm afraid I laughed before telling him it didn't work like that. grin
He did then give me a nice hug.

BattlingFanjos Mon 12-Nov-12 12:44:27

Haha! I've had the new mum thing...I'll pack his bags, good luck to him! Lol!

when my DD was little she was looking through my mums catalogue.....she told me she was looking for a new daddyman.

she was 3....broke my heart

She is 25 now and she has been in touch with her dad since she was 14....we split as he had a drug problem and was pulling me into the vortex. I needed to get away for my life and the life of my baby.

she says she doesnt regret not having a dad when she was little....she had lots of positive male role models. She adores my husband who came into our lives 8 years ago. her biological dad is great for gigs and going out with her mates (he is nearly 50 and still thinks he is 18)...my husband is great for cash, putting up shelves, moving her belongings, making her feel safe.

but i will never forget the "daddyman" shopping....

wonderingsoul Mon 12-Nov-12 19:36:46

sad its hard isnit it. never knowing if your doing something right. or saying the right things.
i have a soon to be 7 year old who hasnt seen or spoke to his dad for 3 and half years.
iv had "i wish i could have just said good bye to daddy" and "when igrow up im going to be a good daddy" which is heart breaking, at 6 he shouldnt know what a bad daddy is and what it entails.

but i am confident when they gro wup they will understand and the sperm donners will get their desserts when their laying alone on their death bed regreating everything.

piratecat Mon 12-Nov-12 19:41:22

i totally understand about feeling like you need back up.

as much love as you have, sometimes it's just what you need to hear supportive words from fellow single parents. dd and i have been thru the mill too.
You sometimes don't feel like you are enough for them, and it is sad, but they have us. We can give them enough love. xxxx

BattlingFanjos Wed 14-Nov-12 00:03:21

I'm so upset reading these posts!! The outcome is all good so (fingers crossed tightly) no massive worries. DS hasn't said a thing about it since, as expected. But wondering is right, these tiny little kids should never know they're missing out my pfb instinct kicking in electrical that's so sad, not surprising it has stayed with you! I'm glad she's got some contact now! My dad was the opposite, adored us a babies/children but as soon as we had an opinion he couldn't cope, claimed brainwashing from my mum's family and a lot of other crap but yep ultimately it's them who miss out. My ex, same as any absent parent, is missing out on a beautiful, amazing little boy who amazes me every day! My dad is missing out on 3 amazing children (if I do say so myself ;) ) and 2 beautiful grandsons. I'm glad all these kids/not so kids (lol) have us to pick up the pieces. Think you got it right pirate !! and I love you all for making me feel better :')

LucieMay Wed 14-Nov-12 00:08:36

My son picks out new daddies/husbands for me from famous men (usually wrestlers!). His dad has been a shit bag from the day he was born and ds is nearly seven, so we're both more than used to the situation but it however funny his comments are, they are always tinged with sadness.

drizzlecake Wed 14-Nov-12 01:02:07

It's great that DS can just come out with the suggestion that he asks for 'a new Daddy' and that it isn't loaded with worry and stress. Shows you are doing/have done a great job OP.

flow4 Wed 14-Nov-12 01:11:50

My DS1, now 17, then about 3, tried to go home with a strange man one evening after we'd been feeding the ducks... "Wanna go wiv that daddy". It made me feel very guilty.

Now he thinks his dad is a dick (he's right) but tells me I need a boyfriend! shock grin

BattlingFanjos Wed 14-Nov-12 16:27:25

Aw thank you drizzle that's such a better way of looking at it grin
Hmmmm wrestlers lucie bit different, why not? Lol . It is sad, better for it to come out in a funny way though! Backing what drizzle said. flow he must have looked like a good dad lol.

Leonas Wed 14-Nov-12 21:00:36

My best friend's ex is a complete twat and has treated her and her wee boy horribly for years (her son is now 10). Recently he asked her why his dad doesn't like him - 'He never wants to spend time with me and he says I talk too much.' (heart is breaking as I type this because he is the most amazing, entertaining and interesting 10 year old I have ever met!)
She tried to explain that his dad is just a shit dad - it's not that he doesn't love him or like him but he doesn't know how to be a good dad. This seemed to help him for a while but he is quite a bit older than your wee one.
Don't ever think you are a bad mum just because his dad is crap - just remember that you do whatever you can to make his life the best you can. I didn't live with my dad as a kid (although I did see him) and I am an awesome adult ;) x

flow4 Wed 14-Nov-12 22:44:18

TBH BF, he had a camera and a duffel coat, and looked like the sort of man I'd prefer to usher my toddler away from!

BattlingFanjos Wed 14-Nov-12 23:06:56

Ha! Oh dear flow hope she's a better judge of character now lol!

Leonas That's awful sad I hope this sounds right, atleast when they are young they have limited understanding and don't see the bad in people (in most cases). I couldn't imagine hearing those words from my DS. I'm upset just reading your post. I don't think I'll ever stop being angry about people who do this, however much I think I've dealt with it. My DS will not have any contact with his 'father' until if/when he decides he wants to know more and I think he's old enough. Love the fact you're an awsome person haha! I grew up with my dad and am an awesome person despite it lol! It's very overrated!

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