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to come to the conclusion that the vast majority of men online dating are just on it for a shag?

(175 Posts)
soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 15:21:37

or is it just me. And every one of my single female friends. Do men really not want relationships any more? Going to be a huge number of sad lonely old men sitting around in their rented flats surrounded by cats living on beans and smelling of pee in a few years time. You watch and see.

Thamesmead Sat 10-Nov-12 15:24:29

I got married from a dating website and have a fair number of friends who've done the same, or else had a long term relationship. I'd review your profile and your criteria. I found that even little tweaks made a massive difference for the guys who got in touch. (disclaimer - first guy I met was married. Bt the next four were great, even if I didn't have the chemistry to date them long term. But two wound up good friends and I married the guy after that.)

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 15:27:50

how long ago though? internet dating used to work in the past but my gut feel of late (have tried several sites over the past year) is that guys only use it to play the field. and have had friends date guys from dating sites only to find a few months later their profile back on there. like kids in a candy store. sad and shallow.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 15:29:11

I've tweaked my profile, even got input from guys who had "viewed" me but not messaged me and the input was really helpful. Its concise, very positive, with lots of smiley photos. I don;t know...

Loobylou222 Sat 10-Nov-12 15:30:16

Yanbu dp's friend using dating websites and openly admitted that he goes on there just to shag women.

It's all they ever seem to think about, the bastards!

lovebunny Sat 10-Nov-12 15:39:08

funniest thread title ever!

what on earth did you think they wanted???
what do they want when they're 'ordinary' dating, not online? what do they want when they're at work? what do they want when they deliver a parcel, arrive to fix the washer, whatever?
if its not repulsive and it has a hole (any hole will do) they want to shag it.

ok, some of you might know that special one who is different, who is looking for commitment, family, long-term monogamy... of course you do, until you find out what's going on in his head or when he's out of your sight and then we have anguished 'he's seeing a woman/looking at porn' threads.

soon, they won't be alone in their future years. as soon as they want to settle down, when chasing women becomes too much trouble and they'd rather get the sex, cooking and washing done all in one, the newly-divorced or ageing would-be brides will snap them up. any man is better than no man, you know.

take the advice and tweak. keep looking. but when you catch one, don't expect not to have to tame him, train him and watch him like a hawk.

good luck.

ilovesooty Sat 10-Nov-12 15:40:31

I know several women who have successfully formed relationships through online sites in very recent times. One moved in with her partner recently and another is getting married at Christmas.

ilovesooty Sat 10-Nov-12 15:41:41

What a sad and bitter post, lovebunny.

SoleSource Sat 10-Nov-12 15:44:06

Yanbu it is very true. Singledom untill my grave for me.

TrinityRhino Sat 10-Nov-12 15:46:12

Lovebunny, do you hate your own dad too? And granddad?

I'm upset by your post, upset for you sad

lovebunny Sat 10-Nov-12 15:51:43

not sad, not embittered, you poor women, just a keen observer of life! open your eyes!

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 15:52:23

Most men who are OD are not looking for a relationship.

Many are just looking for sex. and not a casual FWB situation, no just one off sex. Or a couple of dates and sex. But either way once youve shagged them you will never see them for dust.

There are others who are there just to date. Again, not for a relationship, but to periodically enjoy the company of a woman, once or twice. The company is their motivation more than sex.

Then theres another group who just want to chat. this include the ones who want to webcam and sext. Most of them would shit themselves if they actually got a date with a real live woman, so are content to hide behind lewd messages and photos.

Quite a few of the above groups are married/in relationships. There are a lot fewer single men on dating sites than you'd think.

And what you say in your profile, how you approach it, has fuck all to do with the outcome. you're looking for a needle in a haystack, and in among a few hundred success stories are tens if not hundreds of thousands who have the opposite experience.

ilovesooty Sat 10-Nov-12 15:54:02

not sad, not embittered, you poor women, just a keen observer of life! open your eyes!

How patronising. The life I've observed doesn't indicate that all men are as you say.

SoleSource Sat 10-Nov-12 15:54:19

Totally agree hatesponge.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 15:55:00

bloody hell, maybe I should slit my wrists now and have done with it

SoleSource Sat 10-Nov-12 16:00:26

Lol soon. I exaggerate that I will remain single forever I just do not know. But dating sites take a long time to produce a guy that won't lie.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sat 10-Nov-12 16:00:40

There are some lovely men on Internet dating sites and I've known a few people to have happy and successful relationships because of them.

But men will go on them for easy access to sex, of course they will. It doesn't mean all of them are like that.

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:03:12

There ARE lovely men on dating sites.

Just like there ARE lovely men in the world generally.

However you could be on a dating site for the next couple of years and never meet one. Or you could stumble across one tomorrow.

It's all complete chance.

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:04:54

I've never met a lovely man who wants a relationship yet, and Ive been internet dating on and off for 4 years.

I have however encountered 100s who are just out for sex.

Daddelion Sat 10-Nov-12 16:05:40

I've done OD and from a man's view (and hopefully one not looking to shag any hole) there are a lot of women looking for NSA sex, lots of serial daters and some very strange women online as well

There are men pretending to be women, women who have unrealistic expectations and some very rude women.

So it's just as difficult for men. I was looking for a relationship but just never met the right person.

I was looking for a millionairess, super-model without any baggage, preferably non-smoker, could I find one? Not a chance.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:06:56

I wonder how I could increase my chances of finding a lovely one. I even took a break from OD for 3 months to just go out socially, ended up dating a guy in my social group, he lied to me, sweet-talked me into his bed then dropped me. Getting very very disillusioned now.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:08:25

I have a male friend who does OD and I was asking him about this, he told me he went on dates where women begged him (he said!!) to shag them on first date. I'm no prude but I was shocked.

lljkk Sat 10-Nov-12 16:08:29

yanbu. Sorry.

MichelleObarmy Sat 10-Nov-12 16:08:45

I have lots of female friends who are on datng sites. Yep, most of the men seem to be in it for a shag, bar a couple pf psychos who fall in love and want to get married within a month.

WorraLiberty Sat 10-Nov-12 16:10:41

Anybody want to tweak Lovebunny's profile for her and cheer her up a bit? grin

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:11:14

Soon honestly I don't think there is a way. It either happens or it doesn't. I'm sorry to be so brutal.

I've tried different dating sites, amended my profile more times than I can remember, lost 5 stone, tried dating different types of men, gave it all up completely for a while, and it's made no difference. I'm attractive, intelligent, have a great job, house etc - and it's taken me 4 years to get a second date and he turned out to be a shit. Every other bloke dumped me immediately after the first.

I don't think it will ever happen for me now.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:14:46

Ah yes I forgot about the opposite extreme, the control freaks / sociopaths. Those are the only types I've met that are interested in a relationship!!

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:17:14

Oh and before we get onto the paid/free sites debate, theres not much difference in reality. There might be fewer men on paying sites looking JUST for sex, but I'm not convinced they are all looking for relationships either.

Trills Sat 10-Nov-12 16:17:25

You sound very bitter.

Nothing wrong with cats. Or beans. And neither of those things is associated with smelling of pee.

ilovesooty Sat 10-Nov-12 16:18:05

Anybody want to tweak Lovebunny's profile for her and cheer her up a bit?

grin grin

She's just got in in for men as a species as far as I can see.

I can certainly agree with those who say that OD is necessarily a gamble, but soon has been let down in RL.

digerd Sat 10-Nov-12 16:20:30

Mine and my friend's husbands we didn't meet on a dating site, but just as "iffy", and that was on holiday. She didn't meet her ex on a dating site either, and were married 16 years when he left her for another woman just down the road. He left their 2 children 12 and 14 and never had any more contact with them. The holiday romance lasted for ever.I do know of one couple who married meeting on a dating site. There are some lovely, good men out there, but think they are in the minority, I am sorry to say.

Try stating on your profile that sex before 6 weeks will not be considered

ilovesooty Sat 10-Nov-12 16:29:40

There are some lovely, good men out there, but think they are in the minority, I am sorry to say

"Out there" meaning in life generally? Is there any reason for decent men to be in a minority, and presumably if I infer correctly, for society to be overrun by "lovely" women trying to find a man who isn't a total shit?

MsVestibule Sat 10-Nov-12 16:31:12

I met my lovely DH on a dating website in 2005 and by 2009 we had 2 children and were married. He, and several of the men I met prior to him, were looking for a relationship, and only one was obviously just looking for sex.

I don't know if things have changed since then. Perhaps OD is far more popular now, and men have sussed it's an easy way to get laid? It certainly wasn't that way a few years ago, it's a shame if it's changed. Does it say on their profile that they're interested in a relationship? And yes, I do realise that men have, on the very odd occasion said that just to get a shag! Good luck, soon, hope you find somebody who treats you as you deserve to be treated thanks.

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:32:36

Every man says they're looking for a relationship on their profile.

Almost none actually are.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 16:33:50

YANBU - but I absolutely love it! DP and I have an open relationship - we've always been very free sexually, and I've leveraged online dating to spice up our own bedroom life. Yes - every man is after sex if he's offered it, and by god do I make use of that fact. DP has actually found that the same applies the other way - except that a lot of the women involved in online dating are serial daters who are looking for a meal ticket. He simply promises the earth for the forthcoming second date, and the panties just drop.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:33:56

Perhaps it should be re-phrased as behaving decently rather than BEING decent. Just like you should tell a child his behaviour is naughty rather than that HE/SHE is naughty. Bad behaviour all around as far as myself and my (lovely, sane, balanced) single female friends go and it all ends in tears, every time. But of course the guys don't see that because they are already onto the next one. A male friends told me once that men will tell you anything, all sorts of lies and bulls*t, to get a woman into bed. Maybe that is just how they are wired. Shame he's now 6,000 miles away, he was one of the better behaved ones sad

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:34:01

And you could say on your profile you wouldn't have sex for 6 months, it would make bugger all difference to the men you'd get messages from. Most men don't read profiles anyway, they just look at the photos hmm

MsVestibule Sat 10-Nov-12 16:35:19

There are some lovely, good men out there, but think they are in the minority, I am sorry to say

Sorry digerd but that is absolute bollocks. IME, the majority of men are lovely and good. I'm sorry if that hasn't been your experience. Perhaps I've just been lucky?

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:36:48

MsV, it does seem that things have changed as I have heard a lot of people met on dating sites in years past, but these days, I don't know what has happened in this society, fast food, fast sex, easily available porn?, but things seem to have deteriorated and I wonder if single people are going to outnumber couples soon if not already the way things are going.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:38:56

MsV they may appear lovely and good but these sites seem to bring out the worst in people. maybe it is the anonymity of it all, and because they can, and because there are women out there that will drop the panties for them as was said above, but it means that they have no reason to spend any time getting to know anyone as they can get a shag anywhere anytime. just seems a lonely life to me.

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:38:57

I think you'd struggle to find a lovely SINGLE man.

Seriously, have a count of how many you know.

I know loads of lovely men who are happily married. I can think of maybe 1 single man between say 30 and 50 who I'd describe that way. and a lot more who are complete tossers.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 16:39:33

"A male friends told me once that men will tell you anything, all sorts of lies and bulls*t, to get a woman into bed."

Yup, DP has found that to be absolutely true during his forays into online dating. But he is also a stunningly charismatic specimen and I think any woman is lucky to be bedding him. He's a powerful, generous lover so they definitely get their dates worth.

SoleSource Sat 10-Nov-12 16:39:52

I have had (what started out on my behalf) one night stands but they always came back and were together.

When dating and I hace refusedtbe offer of sex on a first/second/third date I have been asked why I think sex is a bad tning, am I frigid, lesbian, that he is sorry I had bad sexual experiences before to make me decline his offer.

So insulting

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:39:52

To add, I've never met one decent, lovely man on dating sites in 4 years.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 16:40:40

Hatesponge I have to say you seem to have a very negative view of men which I suspect you are projecting onto your dates.

MsVestibule Sat 10-Nov-12 16:43:15

He's a powerful, generous lover Sorry Tulisa, but that actually made me laugh out loud! I'm sure you're right, but it's very Georgette Heyer!!!

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:43:39

Thanks for the patronising comment.

I actually come across very well on dates. I'm just a bit too bright for shag-monkeys who are only interested in a fuck and run, which is probably the reason for my lack of second dates.

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 10-Nov-12 16:44:13

I think that (rightly) expectations have risen too.Women aren't willing to take any man irrespective of how he treats her. And women do like sex, NSA/FWB sex too, so I guess OD makes it easier for the like minded to meet.

I've always wondered whatever happened to those 'singles' nights that clubs and pubs used to have back in the 80's and early 90's (ie before the interenet)? I quite like the idea of going to one.

I do think that there are good men out there, but it is luck/chance and taking a risk that sometimes produces positive results.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 16:46:14

It was hardly patronising. Your posts are teeming with anti-male sentiment, which I cannot believe is not the primary reason for your lack of second dates. You might be exceptionally bright academically - but unless you're open to the possibility that a man might not be a bastard, your attitude will turn them off.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:48:44

tulisa, some women, I'm guessing the majority, coulld do NSA with your dp or whoever. Personally, I've not yet met one who could. Women always get emotionally involved and it all leads to heartache. I cannot express to you the sadness of knowing that that is all a man thinks you are worth.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:49:11

that should have said minority not majority

PosieParker Sat 10-Nov-12 16:49:45

I have a friend who dating online worked really well for and a few that haven't. The woman who was sucessful put her actual age so that she would get a guy with a balanced view of women as opposed to one looking for fun.

"Going to be a huge number of sad lonely old men sitting around in their rented flats surrounded by cats living on beans and smelling of pee in a few years time. You watch and see."

I went into my town's wetherspoons last Sunday morning at 11:30 with my DS for a cooked breakfast and the place was wall to wall with men aged 40+, all men. At least a hundred of them. shock (Was me, DS, and 2 middle aged women having a coffee). They are all single and spending their lives drinking cheap lager/bitter in wetherspoons like saddos.

I can see men my age going the same way. The ones that are single want sex with no strings, and want to spend their money on beer, darts, football etc. Selfish man-child types basically.

TBH I'm getting very cynical about men in general. Even the supposedly nice ones in long term relationships seem to end up being twats discovered cheating/ flirting on FB/ fishing online etc.

Thamesmead Sat 10-Nov-12 16:50:34

There is a counter side to this, and that's the women on dating websites. Maybe it is because I was older (I was 38/39 then) than some but the second guy I dated, who I wound up being decent friends with, expressed a sigh of relief on on our first date that I was obviously what I said I was in my profile. The picture was recent, I wasn't looking for a meal ticket, equally obviously I wasn't looking for an instant husband (though I did wind up with one, much to my total surprise), I was just looking to date and see what was out there. To my total surprise, since I thought it was a nice picture, I kept being told I was better looking in person. One guy I didn't click with I fixed up with a friend, and they went out for about six months.

The problems of OD are the same as meeting anyone IRL, except that the dating motive is clearer in OD. But I find that you find what youre looking for. If you're convinced that every guy is a liar only out for one thing, you'll find them in droves. If you're convinced that people are nice and this is a fun way to meet some people, check them out and say yes or no (since there's always someone else on line to check out if it doesn't work out) you'll find that. If you're only looking for a husband and nothing else, I dare say you'll find someone who is just as keen to get married but be careful what you wish for. But that's the same advice I'd give in real life.

Call me retro, but if you don't want them to shag you and leave, then don't shag them right away. Not Ruies "you can only touch my left boob on the third date" stuff, but if you're not ready or sure this isn't someone in on the same terms you are, then don't sleep with him. Again, same advice I'd give in real life.

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:50:54

Yes of course my attitude turns them off hmm

I'm quite open to being proven wrong about men being utter pricks. I approach every date with optimism and enthusiasm. Every man I've met has commented on what charming company I am.

But they're all only looking for easy sex or one-off dates, so really what I do or don't do actually makes no difference.

Posie didn't your other friends put their real age? confused What's the point in that?? You're just going to meet them and be found out to be a liar aren't you! V.silly.

I'm 30, look about right for my age, and have put my actual age (never occurred to me to lie). I had a 53 year old message me the other day! Yuk he was old enough to be my dad!

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 16:53:24

At the end of the day, online dating is what it is. In my experience the men you meet on it are in general probably going to be primarily after one thing, and DP's experience is that the women are date junkies.

However, there are other ways of meeting people and if your sole focus is online, you are missing a trick. Get out there and meet people face to face - it's so much better when the first time you chat to someone is in real life under organic circumstance because the bullshit isn't there. You may even meet a man as wonderful as DP - unlikely, but maybe.

Thamesmead Sat 10-Nov-12 16:55:11

If you approach every date with optimism that you could be proven Wong about men being utter pricks do you see where that might not attract the kind of guy you're hoping for? And definitely attract the kind of guy you're not?

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 16:57:22

Go read the dating thread thamesmead - it is a very sad state of affairs because everyone on there seems to have pre-conceived ideas that every man is a selfish, arrogant bastard, and just reinforce each others ideas that this is the case.

PosieParker Sat 10-Nov-12 16:57:23

No, not one! All put around five years younger. confused They claim it's because a 38 year old man puts his wanted age as 25-35shock.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 16:57:35

yep, tulisa, I do the social thing as well. and as I said earlier, the guy I dated from the social group did the dirty on me as well. and yes I do make them wait but it makes no difference. either they then drop contact or they hang around till they get what they wanted and then they drop me.

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 16:58:04

It's nothing to do with age.

I find there are even more men in their 40s purely looking for no strings one-off sex/skype and webcam.

And I'm sorry Thamesmead but its bollocks to say it's a simple as you find what you're looking for. 4 years ago I wanted a relationship. I still do. I'm still waiting. I have had MANY dates. Most have either obviously just been after sex, or certainly not looking for a relationship. And if you think I'm not optimistic, or going into it with the right attitude, you're quite wrong. This time last week I was about to go on a second date with what I thought (at last) was a nice normal man. 2 days after our second date, after saying he wanted to see me again, texting etc, he stopped contacting me, and I've heard nothing from him since.

I met my DP online, been together nearly 4 years and expecting first dc. He was looking for a relationship and two of his friends recently went online to meet girlfriends.

I've got to say, to the select few bitter ones on this thread, I bet it's you who is stopping you from meeting someone. You're probably putting a bad vibe out there or being defensive, predicting that your date just wants sex and scaring any nice men off. You do seem to be the common denominator if in 4-5yeard you haven't met 1 man who wants a relationship. Just mho.

stargirl1701 Sat 10-Nov-12 16:59:32

I think it depends which site you are using tbh.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 17:00:22

Oh and the expectations of men on there are hideously unrealistic. It's like they want every man to encompass the best qualities of Warren Buffet, George Clooney, Bradley Wiggins, Ray Mears and Steven Hawking, and if a person cannot live up to that expectation, they are automatically a loser.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 17:01:19

mmmnoodle that may have been the case a few years ago, but things have changed. believe me.

stargirl, free or paid, makes no difference, I've tried both

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 17:02:20

tulisa not true, of me or my friends. all we want is a nice kind guy who treats us with care and respect.

mcmooncup Sat 10-Nov-12 17:04:56

I've met some really nice men on dating sites.

But have dumped every one of them. Not because they were awful, just because I didn't have the 'thing' going on.

They all wanted relationships. I kid ye not.

My DPs friends met their girlfriends this year so your experience isn't the same for everyone in the country.

I agree, what sites you use makes a big difference too.

Tryharder Sat 10-Nov-12 17:05:52

I know women and men who have met life partners on OD. I think you have to kiss a lot of frogs....

Are you for real Tulisa? Why would you consider your DP such a catch when he's an entitled cheat who lies to women?

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 17:06:50

mcmooncup which sites did/do you and your dp's friends use, in that case?

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 17:07:17

Soon me too.

I have got one friend (late 30s) who has met lots of men seeking relationships. BUT she has no DC and will only date men without DC themselves. I wonder whether that makes a difference.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 17:08:00

I know of two single men who are absolute sweethearts - kind, generous and extremely respectful. However their successes with women have been very limited because they are too shy, and will not make a move. It's their problem - they've looked to themselves and they accept it's their problem. That is the first stage of making improvements to your life.

hatesponge Sat 10-Nov-12 17:09:00

Sorry I was saying me too to your post about wanting someone nice and kind to treat us with respect.

But I would like to know on what site these men seeking relationships might be found!

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 10-Nov-12 17:09:28

Okay, which websites are the ones with 'good' men on?

IMVHO success on OD has a lot to do with geography, ie where you live and the pool of men in that locality.

mcmooncup Sat 10-Nov-12 17:11:11

I'm not on any more, tend to get dates from real life now shock, but amazingly it was POF.

I know it's got a bad rep but I would keep my profile hidden because the messages you receive tend to make you want to lose the will to live, and only send an email to someone who caught my eye.

Also, very limited chat. If he didn't ask for a date (and I hadn't got an inkling of arsehole-ness already) within a few days, then I'd move on. I think the chat thing sends men into a sexual frenzy - getting all brave behind the keyboard. Once you've done the sex chat on messages, IME, it's game over before you start.

There's no special site with good men on, like Tulisa said, you have to kiss plenty of frogs and you have to have an open mind. I dated a few men before meeting DP, but each one I treated individually.

But there are sites with lots of people looking for sex -such as pof which should be avoided at all costs.

The sites I know people have had success are Guardian soulmates, match and eharmony. Usually the ones you pay for as free ones promote NSA sex.

TheReturnOfBridezilla Sat 10-Nov-12 17:12:47

I hate to say it but a single friend was showing me around a few dating sites recently and the men are like boys in sweet shops. The amount of attractive, single women compared to men of the same calibre is pretty shocking. The sheer amount of available women makes them almost disposable whereas I (and probably most people) would be hard pushed to find a guy I would actually want to date iyswim. Women are fighting over the scraps.

I am late twenties and married and would probably try od if I were to find myself single again but in my experience of dating (when I was younger) lots of men are pretty happy to play the field for as long as they can whereas most of my female friends the same age as me are in or looking for a serious relationship/marriage.

The men who admit they want to settle down are sometimes the ones nobody wants to settle down with (harsh!) which still sounds the case from what I'm reading about od here.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 17:13:08

Oh and they've found in the past that when they do make a move, it's rebuffed with 'i think we're better as friends'. In their cases this is clearly a false reason meaning 'I think you're ugly and not enough of a cheeky bastard'. These are highly successfully men who would be wonderful partners, but are being rebuffed again due to silly, silly reasons.

They are not on websites, because they have experienced the serial dater phenomenon, and are now much keener to use their personalities in real life where things are more level, and you're not filtered out because you're not a redhead or some such stupid criteria.

Xposts! Glad someone had success on pof mcmoon grin

LessMissAbs Sat 10-Nov-12 17:15:31

I tried online dating for a year when I was single and had just moved to a new city for work. With online dating I really struggled to get a date. There were a lot of men who wanted penfriends and were total timewasters (I suspect many of them weren't single and thought most of them probably werent single and though it a safe way of getting more female attention). Either that or they were scared of women. I suspect there are more than a few men who do online dating who are scared of women.

Basically I found it far, far harder to get dates online than in real life.

Mind you, I've always found it hard to get a shag (maybe you have to make it really obvious to men now?) but no shortage of men wanting to date me, go on holiday with me, etc.. My friends at uni used to joke that we could go a long to the sleaziest club in town and the only man there looking to date would make a beeline for me!

I also stayed on the site because there was a guy in real life that I really liked, and had dated a couple of times. Hes the biggest timewaster in the world, is still on it, a master at making dates and then cancelling, 4 years later, and is into the full range of singles activites, including salsa dancing. Never known him to have a girlfriend and wouldn't touch him with a bargepole now - he was probably a decent young guy when he started it but after 4 years online dating experience behind him, hes changed and isn't nice to speak to any more, very much has an agenda and turned into a user.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 17:24:59

DP says the same can be said of women miss abs - penfriends and timewasters. One kept him hanging on for weeks at a time without replying on numerous occasions. The last straw was when they told him about another disastrous date they'd just had. He'd been trying to line her up for a date for weeks and she was just stringing him along asking him to write essays on what his dreams were about. It was a quite ridiculous experience for both of us.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 17:43:36

Are you for real Tulisa? Why would you consider your DP such a catch when he's an entitled cheat who lies to women?

He is absolute dynamite in conversation and in the bedroom. His dates have the time of their lives. He doesn't just disappear of the radar after the night either. His stock response is 'Hey hun thanks for a great nite - bit busy with work at the mo, you know how it is :-( . Keep in touch babes and let me know if ya need anything'

If he get's a response back, he's happy to help with anything they need. Last weekend he fixed one of his one night paramour's featherboard fence after the strong winds we had last week. If he doesn't get a response then why should the man do all the running?

mcmooncup Sat 10-Nov-12 17:47:47

"without replying", "stringing along", "hanging on for weeks"

OD is the bit in the pub where you catch someone's eye. Sometimes they leave with their mates before you get chance to talk properly, sometimes you walk by and it's right to talk.

I can't see how anyone can be "hanging on for weeks" on OD unless their expectations of it are a bit skewed.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 17:52:41

This lady was a pro mcmooncup. She would deliberately ask provocative and intriguing questions, and expect a full and frank response in reply. She'd quote Tolstoy - one of DP's favourite authors and seemed to be after an intimate portrait of his psyche. Her responses were sporadic, yet seductive. Every time he suggested meeting up, she'd dodge the issue, but was more than happy to discuss the minutiae of the Thoughts of Marcus Aurelius.

It was frankly one of the closest things I've seen to an emotional vampire.

digerd Sat 10-Nov-12 17:54:31

MrsV
I was sympathising with the comments of various women's experiences on dating sites. I had lovely, on the shy side types of men, never went for show-off macho types. The man I married I met on holiday abroad, and was love at first sight for us both. Again a sweet, kind, slightly shy type, who was drop dead gorgeous, but didn't know it. The only bittersweet memory of our marriage was that he died of cancer 22 years later< tears welling up again>

mcmooncup Sat 10-Nov-12 17:54:42

"Every time he suggested a meet up".........erm, you only ask it once?

He sounds a bit desperado too if he kept asking.

MsFish Sat 10-Nov-12 17:58:49

IMO TL's DP seems to be entirely fictional!

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 18:01:44

He wasn't being a desperado. She'd engage him in conversation, and he'd naturally ask if they'd like to continue this IRL.

Frankly, he had no need to bother - he is more than satisfied at home because we have a voracious carnal appetite, and he also has many other irons in the fire so to speak elsewhere thanks to previous sexual networking. But there was something about this lady that intrigued us both. We were hoping it would eventually lead to a menage-a-trois, hence I too was caught up in the flagrant fun of it all.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 18:03:03

If he's fictional, then who's currently between my legs? Sorry if that's too much info, but we have mastered the art of cunningual-multitasking.

MsFish Sat 10-Nov-12 18:04:31

Hahahahahahahahaha,,,I am finding your posts highly amusing!

mcmooncup Sat 10-Nov-12 18:06:53

Ewwwwww
How uncooth.

He must be shit at it if you can concentrate on MN at the same time.

Best get yourself on POF love, find a new one hmm

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 18:10:20

Erm no mcmooncup. Since I got back from my run earlier we have spent the entire day in a tantric session. I've opened and explored my mind so deeply I've found that my mental capacity has increased to an extent I can simultaneously climax repeatedly whilst indulging in a spot of mumsnet and watching the big bang theory.

mcmooncup Sat 10-Nov-12 18:15:58

Dear. God.

Maybe OP was right if you and your 'dp' are on POF.

Your post just made my face screw up a little. You speak like a text book and it's like if you repeat enough that you are having a great time then you will start to believe it.

digerd sad I'm sorry

LessMissAbs Sat 10-Nov-12 18:24:52

Thats the other thing I noticed about the men on the dating sites. They would claim that women on dating sites threw themselves at them, begging to have sex. Married women, they claimed, would be openly on such sites, photos, and didn't care that their husbands would find out. In fact, in general, the women apparantly behaved really badly.

Since I don't know any women in real life who behave like this, but encountered a number of men on dating sites who were scared of women and quite possibly virgins, I figured out this was imagination on their parts.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 19:00:44

Virginity is not a disease LessMissAbs. DP and I were both very late starters - he was (believe it or not) 17 when he lost his, and I was 16 and a half. You seem to equate it to something negative. Maybe they just haven't met the right person and aren't slaves to their lust.

Notalone Sat 10-Nov-12 19:19:09

This may get lost amongst the arguments on here but I did get lucky on POF but also encountered some bloody weirdo's. The men I talked to / met included

Man 1 - Lovely guy. Talked for 3 hours but I couldn't meet him until the following week after which time he had had a successful date with someone else. He sent me a lovely text wishing me luck and saying that he thought I was one of the nicest people he had met online.

Man 2 - Wanted me to be his counsellor. Said he had no RL friends and I was his only friend.

Man 3 - Met face to face and wanted to talk about our feelings and emotions straight away. Had no friends either and I suspect he was after a visa

Man 4 - Nice looking, Pursued me for a while. When I agreed to meet him he cut me dead after and never contacted me again.

Man 5 - Gave him my number and he sent 1 text every 30 seconds for 15 minutes. Got abusive when I told him his texts were too much.

Man 6 - Said "Lets play" as an introduction

Man 7 - Offered to masturbate over his web cam. I declined his kind offer

Man 6 - My second internet face to face date. Against all my best intentions we jumped into bed on the second date and I fully expected him to run a mile after. Except he didn't and we are still together over 4 months later. He is lovely and definitely still after a shag which I willingly give him grin. He has had about 20 dates on POF before me, some of which resulted in short relationships but some women messed him about just as much as men seem to mess women about. Think the weirdos are of both sexes really.

However I am aware I have been lucky. My friend has been on POF for almost 2 years and she could write a book on the weirdos she has met sadly

CanonFodder Sat 10-Nov-12 19:40:16

Thing is, isn't OD just a reflection of RL dating?? I had to date, sleep with and kiss a hell of a lot of frogs before I found one worth marrying. The process does seem a little quicker these days,perhaps because many people who are on there have come out of a relationship and have already had kid and are therefore a lot less prone to the optimism and enthusiasm that we experienced as teens or in our early twenties. I also feel that I am MUCH less willing to compromise now than I was at that age. I know what i am looking for, what I will amd won't out up with and compromise on. I have chldren to confused so am looking for different things. Based on the criteria I now have I would NEVER have dated most of the men I did in my 'yoof'. Which in a lot of ways is a shame, coz I have a LOT of fun then!
I do think that our generation of women expect an awful lot more of men than our parents, (quite rightly). But I kind of feel a bit sorry for guys. We have come out of the kitchen and claimed the world as our own, and many of them seem to be left standing, lost in knowing where their place is in the new world order. (ESP if their mums didn't teach them how to cook, clean and be basically responsible for themselves, which a shocking number of my married friends DH's seem incapable of if their spouses are to be believed.)
Don't feel sorry enough for them to shag them though...or do their laundry! grin

CanonFodder Sat 10-Nov-12 19:42:35

Sorry, that should say children to consider!

Fishwife1980 Sat 10-Nov-12 19:46:29

Right i am married to a man i met on line so yu can find true love but its also true that some men are just in it for a shag i do however think this can depend on serval things.

[
1. What site you use dont thing you will meet the man of your dreams on face book

2. Weather or not you can keep your knickers on if you shag somone on the first date then yu cant expect to much can you

3.also i think what type of men you go for i had men send me picture of there willys now these clearly were not about getting married

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 19:50:13

Eloquently and superbly put Fishwife. It all depends on the circumstances.

soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 19:54:42

Oh F off Tulisa there is nothing funny about a guy sleeping with women then fobbing them off with work is so busy, call me if you need anything, and all your tantric shit. whether you are for real or not I think it's in pretty poor taste that you think this is something to joke over.

Been on 21 dates so far in past 12 months and still looking, and anyone would tell you I'm an attractive, smart, kind, genuine person with no drama or hang-ups, plenty of friends and a lot to give and I didn't jump into bed with the vast majority of them either.

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 20:03:59

There's no need for that sort of language soontobe. No-one has been left confused or unhappy by my DP's actions - he's the model gentleman and makes sure that any further contact is handled in a respectful, sensible fashion whenever needed confused. I'd consider the erection of a featherboard fence to be the action of a very caring individual, and I think most people feel absolutely the same way.

Adversecamber Sat 10-Nov-12 20:07:33

Two of my mates have met their partners on line but had some bad moments on the way . One fell for a bloke who turned out to be married but worked away in the week and rented a flat, he was the biggest shit obviously for lots of reasons. The other had nothing terrible happen, just plenty of angst.Was he still looking at the site? what did his text mean? guess that is the same once you start dating anyone. One decided to meet any dates quickly and if no chemistry then to forget it immediately, I think she played it well. The other broke all the rules and even met people at their houses, I used to make her text me the next day to check she was okay, how I used to fret about her.

Viviennemary Sat 10-Nov-12 20:13:25

Hmm. Well I don't expect many of them are planning the hymns for their weddings. smile But sometimes these online dating meetings can lead to something more permanent. Or so I've heard.

Fishwife1980 Sat 10-Nov-12 20:49:06

You just have to be very clear

No meeting for dinner on forst date because if they are awful your stuck for the whole evening

Also meeting pretty quickly i think men wo want to email for months on end is a bit dodgy also it makes you like the person yu imagain them to be most people can be funny and witty on line

I had about 7 dates before i meet oh and some were just

Meet one guy got on so well after the date went for a coffie and were chatting away then he jumped up and said shit got to go he said it was lovley to meet up but i got o meet my probation officer in 20 minutes confused he got blocked from my msn chat

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 20:53:37

That's not nice fishwife. Some of the best people I know have spent time in the slammer and have become true pillars of society afterwards. Their outlook on life is often highly refreshing. If he was a nice person when you were chatting, why would you block him?

Fishwife1980 Sat 10-Nov-12 21:10:19

Sorry i have a child and dont date people who recently been released from jail

As well as smokers
And vegetarians( i like meat to much)

SoleSource Sat 10-Nov-12 21:28:07

You have every right to be cautious Fishwife no matter how that manifests but find out facts maybe nect time. He may have not paid a fine or something...?

Fishwife1980 Sat 10-Nov-12 21:57:46

Sorry the facts are i just simply dont date men out jail you dony usually go to jail for not paying a fine

Each o their owan

autumnlights12 Sat 10-Nov-12 22:00:51

YANBU. My sister did online dating for a year and was asked, on different occasions by different men..if she liked sex toys, and what her favourite position was. The first time they met. And she was convinced that over half of the guys she met were married.

ilovesooty Sat 10-Nov-12 22:08:06

You don't have to have been in jail to have a probation officer.

Fishwife1980 Sat 10-Nov-12 22:44:06

Not debating about this any more there are more than enough men out there who have not been in trouble with the law for me to date and i found one

I have a child and have been down that road of bad boy law braker Back in the day

Some people dont like short men i dont find ones with a wrapp sheet sexy just my personal taste

BurtRR Sun 11-Nov-12 08:51:37

Speaking on behalf of all men yes we are there primarily for a shag. This is because it is our no 1 preoccupation. We do this because we like sex a lot and thanks to online dating we get more. Remarkably we do this shagging with other woman, who askance to the evidence of mumsnetters, actually like shagging as much as we do. If you think that is strange, the guys who are not there for a shag are weird, live with their mum or are gay (possibly all 3). At least when you are online dating, you know what you are getting! Best regards to all you Mumsers

Thanks for that enlightening post, Burt hmm

Btw you are not speaking on behalf of all men. Twit.

gettingeasier Sun 11-Nov-12 09:51:30

Tulisa your posts are hilarious please keep them coming, your DP sounds like a wonderful mix of Mr Darcy, Don Juan, Aristotle, Bob the Builder and Sting !!

I havent done OD but someone very close to me has and I have followed her exploits closely this past couple of years. Overall she has met 50:50 want a shag want a relationship. She is now seeing someone from POF and it seems to be working out, certainly if it doesnt it will be because they arent right together nothing to do with meeting online if that makes sense.

I am with yourhand earlier and the more I see and hear of men the less interested I am. I am 46 and its been 3 years since my marriage ended and thus far I am almost worryingly disinterested in meeting a man. I think if this changes I would consider OD but with a suit of armour and a pinch of salt !

gettingeasier Sun 11-Nov-12 09:59:30

Tulisa out of interest did you meet your DP online ?

OpheliaPayneAgain Sun 11-Nov-12 09:59:44

Dhs friend used a dating site, he has found his love interest now - but it scared the shit out of him as he is a nice bloke, who genuinely wanted another relationship. He said all the women (40-50) were desperate for a shag, dropped their drawers on the first date and women who wanted to be treated like ladies with some old fashioned chivalry were very few and far between.

You see he is a complete mysogonist by MN standards - he expects to open car doors, pull chairs out at restaurants, stand when a woman comes into a room, buy dinner, not expect sex until much further down the line even when it's handed out on a plate , to have common interests and be able to have conversations.

TulisaLover Sun 11-Nov-12 10:18:44

getting - I've talked about our introduction on the 'don't look down my shirt thread'. its a truly inspiring tale about putting yourself out there and opening your heart to emotional vulnerability.

gettingeasier Sun 11-Nov-12 14:08:27

At a bowling alley ?

Anyway I will say, whoever you are, you are far funnier on this thread than that one.

Tressy Sun 11-Nov-12 14:27:58

I don't do internet dating anymore, have a hidden profile that I unhide now and again when I'm really bored. Never seem to message anyone and organise a date this way as I cannot be bothered to keep going on exchanging meaningless messages.

I did do internet dating some years ago and found it to be different then, went on some 'nice' dates but never met anyone who floated my boat.

A male friend of mine says that his single mates go online just to meet women for a shag, I can see the appeal for men who are mostly up for it and not too fussy. So I reckon OP might be right.

I also think it's a manufactured way to meet someone and doesn't really work. (cynical me)

Tressy Sun 11-Nov-12 14:55:35

Tulisa, just read the whole thread and your fantastical posts. I would be worried about her with the featherboard fence, I reckon your DP is smitten and could run off with her soon.

digerd Sun 11-Nov-12 15:14:28

Ophelia
Oh, now I know what a "mysogonist" man means, as I had assumed it was something like a chauvanist pig. Don't like the latter, but love your definition. My late DH was gorgeous like that yours - they are the real gentlemen that real gentlewomen want.

And for those men who really believe that all , if not most, women are gagging for a shag, are deluded.

AnyFucker Sun 11-Nov-12 15:28:52

TulisaLover is a strange one, isn't she ? grin

A good imagination, that's for sure ..

Hatesponge, if you are still reading you don't sound bitter and manhating to me. You sound intelligent and realistic, and resistant to lying bullshit.

digerd Sun 11-Nov-12 15:29:46

ophelia Opps The "Mysogonist " is your DHs friend, not your DH. Ah, chivalry how I miss it.

ImperialBlether Sun 11-Nov-12 15:44:47

His stock response is 'Hey hun thanks for a great nite - bit busy with work at the mo, you know how it is :-( . Keep in touch babes and let me know if ya need anything'

Did anyone else shudder at the thought of getting a text like that?

AnyFucker Sun 11-Nov-12 15:47:04

Simply knowing someone that used phrases like "keep in touch babes" would make me want to punch myself in the face, tbh

gettingeasier Sun 11-Nov-12 15:49:45

No I laughed my head off , as I did at nearly everything else this poster wrote . Honestly perhaps I should consider shagging her DP myself after all he is such a love god , then he could pop round and make himself useful doing some odd jobs.

Come on Tulisa where are you hiding yourself !

BandersnatchCummerbund Sun 11-Nov-12 15:52:56

TulisaLover's fictional DP's romantic texting style doesn't exactly place him in Robert Burns territory, does it. If there was a woman who was getting him to discuss his literary opinions of Marcus Aurelius et al and strangely did not seem all that keen on actually meeting for a date, the suspicion does occur that she may, just possibly, have been extracting the piss.

ilovesooty Sun 11-Nov-12 15:53:11

Simply knowing someone that used phrases like "keep in touch babes" would make me want to punch myself in the face, tbh

One of my colleagues talks like that and he's lovely.

[Arf] @ AF and Imperial

BandersnatchCummerbund Sun 11-Nov-12 15:58:22

Yeah, but does he talk like that right after shagging someone, promising them a second date, and then fucking off?

AnyFucker Sun 11-Nov-12 16:00:26

My boiler could do with servicing

Yes, that is a euphemism. I was hoping TL would put her "powerful" lover's contact details on here.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 11-Nov-12 16:01:14
BandersnatchCummerbund Sun 11-Nov-12 16:04:46

Gotta love a bit of Burns. As Clarinda said to the Bishop...

ilovesooty Sun 11-Nov-12 16:07:48

Yeah, but does he talk like that right after shagging someone, promising them a second date, and then fucking off?

Doubt it. He's been very happily married for years. But AF said that even knowing someone who talked lile that would make her want to punch herself in the face. I think that was horribly judgmental.

Oh dear. Lighten up hmm. I know loads of people who talk like that, you can't take offence to everything.

Where's Hully when you need her?

AnyFucker Sun 11-Nov-12 16:20:03

Calm down, ILS. In case you hadn't noticed, this thread has taken a bit of a lighthearted turn. Taking th piss out of people who speak (and post) in such cliched and teenagerish tones is not a hanging offence.

In fact, it's pretty much de rigeur AFAIAC

TulisaLover Sun 11-Nov-12 16:28:45

I'm sorty, but isn't that the sort is text every 18-20 year old wants - please let us know if not. DP is 58 and likes to keep up with modern lingo when he's chatting colloquialy post coitus .

TulisaLover Sun 11-Nov-12 16:29:41

sorry, not sorty. damn iPhone 5 64gb.

ArmyOfPenguins Sun 11-Nov-12 16:41:26

Tulisa, for a 58 yr old man, you have wonderful breasts.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 11-Nov-12 17:10:45

Now, now. Don't feed the Troll.

I think OP, that you are right. And also not right.

There are many variables.

Which site you use-ones where you have to pay have a higher "looking for relationship" ratio.

What you put on your profile. My profile was always kind of funny (ha ha not peculiar) and a bit caustic, and as such probably got fewer responses than someone who describes themselves as "bubbly" but the ones i did get were generally from decent-ish intelligent men,
I only had a couple of weirdos.
It is really important to be zero tolerance of any nonsense. The whiff of a serial sexter, or a guy who finds reasons not to meet, and he is deleted-no second chances.
Basically, you have to meet up very quickly-not have endless emails etc.

Also, and this exasperates me, but ime the men who contact me first are the ones I end up going out with. The ones I contact first either ignore me, or are just clearly up for a one nighter.
But I'm not doing internet dating now, because I have met someone in RL I really like..(eeek!)
Shit, just jinxed it haven't I? grin

Tressy Sun 11-Nov-12 17:37:36

Ifnot, That was my experience too, it never came to anything if I sent a message first. They still love the chase, nothing changes. Or it could be that we fancy the good looking ones who are getting loads of messages and replies to everyone they send.

WorriedBetty Sun 11-Nov-12 17:52:42

I suspect a lot of men out there are trying desperately to say the right thing without knowing how often people are coming away from those texts saying 'He said he wanted a relationship but I think he wants a visa'.

I think if the chat was getting flirty and sexual I would be insulted if the guy in that was like 'she is a bastard only looking to shag me and then dump me' to his friends.

I have had flirty chats with men I like properly, and rarely have I had sex with someone who I didn't also like in a wider way, even if we shagged first time we met.

mcmooncup Sun 11-Nov-12 17:58:09

Not my experience Tressy - I only sent out messages.

I'd say it just weeds out the total arseholes who cannot handle a woman messaging them..............I'm sure they do exist <sigh>

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 11-Nov-12 18:12:09

Also, don't use the term "fun" in your profile-to guys online it seems to mean "sex", and, as someone upthread said, be totally honest, about your looks, your age, the lot.
I also met a number of men who said I was prettier in RL-because my pics were sort of normal snaps, not posed or full slap etc.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 11-Nov-12 18:18:33

Also, dont have unrealistic expectations.
You know that super handsome guy, the one who runs his own eco business and has really interesting hobbies?
Well, all the ladies are after him too, and he really will mess you about. Because he can. He will probably be pretty full of himself an'all.
Look a little deeper. Maybe I had an OK time of it, because I am not looking for a "type".
I don't care what a man does for a living, if he has kids or not, if he is bald. I care if he is kind, and clever, and funny.
Sexual attraction is very important, but you can't always get that from a picture, and you cant be too prescriptive about what you want.

The guy I like now (tempts fate again!) is quite wrong on paper. In fact he is not even in the age bracket I specified online! He is also not at all photogenic. But in RL, chemistry a-go-go. <faints>

Marzipanface Sun 11-Nov-12 18:21:37

lovebunny not all men are as you described. My DH for example.

Anskabel Sun 11-Nov-12 19:12:57

I did online dating on and off for 7 years - I must have had about 20 dates in that time, and yes some of them unfortunately did just seem to be after sex, but then I also had a 2 year relationship with someone and met my current DP on Match.com 18 months ago and have never been happier.

What I can't understand is why men who are just after sex would pay for a subscription to a site like Match which is geared towards relationships, pretend they are looking for something serious, then f*ck off when they get their leg over, when there are plenty of hook-up sites they can use for free if all they want is a cheap shag.

My worst OD experience was with an older man who owned a PR company- he bombarded me with up to 100 texts a day and 3-hour long phonecalls for two months until we finally met. He said he was looking for the love of his life and wouldn't settle for anything less - he claimed he'd had over 50 first dates, and had never seen any of them again because he wouldn't settle for anything less than perfection, blah blah...well I saw him a second time and a third time and he showered me with compliments, saying I was so different from the other women he'd dated because I was independent and wasn't after his money (no wonder he was so financially successful, he really believed his own hype!) Eventually we did sleep together. For weeks he'd been telling me for weeks what a red hot lover he was...the truth was he wasn't even lukewarm!! Then the next day I received some pathetic "it's not you, it's me" email and he refused to answer his phone... two months later, when I had just started dating DP, I received a deluge of texts from him saying that only with hindsight did he realise what a truly remarkable woman I was, that the way he treated me was the biggest mistake of his life, blah blah - basically he was just looking to appease his conscience. I didn't give him the satisfaction of a reply.

I'm so glad I didn't let his behaviour deter me from internet dating. Finding DP was like finding a needle in a haystack - I feel quite depressed when i think how many profiles I sat and trawled through - but I always held on to the conviction they while there are some swines on OD, there are an equal number of swines in real life, just as there are some wonderful men online and in real life.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 11-Nov-12 19:15:21

I think your problem there Anskabel, was that you even went on a first date with a men who texted you 100 times a day!
Happy ending though! Glad you met someone nice.

maybenow Sun 11-Nov-12 19:22:53

I met my Dh online in 2005 - i wasn't looking for marriage then, but i posted my interests (martial arts) and we talked initially about watching rugby so he knew he was getting a bit of a tomboy and no barbie doll grin. I was in a new city and looking for new pubs, meals out, socialising, not sex per se. And I met two men who were up for lots of socialising, number two turned into DH.

If i was looking for marriage i'd probably go for somewhere like e-harmony where it's a bit of a given people are supposed to be seeking proper relationships rather than plenty-of-fish for example which seems to be a bit more about sex dating.

Anskabel Sun 11-Nov-12 20:33:04

IfNotNowThenWhen yes I agree about my mistake - at the time I'd not long come out of a 4 year relationship with someone who had been extremely emotionally neglectful (met through friends, not online) and to be honest I was flattered by the attention. Mr Arrogant knew I'd been badly let down by my ex (that's another story, a very long one!) yet he still messed with my emotions when he knew I was vulnerable. I hope karma comes back to bite him...

E320 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:54:38

I "met" my toyboy online on a very "dodgy" site (not in the UK). It took us 3 years to get physical. Clearly he wasn't out for any kind of shag.
We have now been seeing one another over 6 years. Both older & very " burned" from our marriages, so no hurry!

Stephenbeecham12 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:32:09

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 11-Nov-12 22:26:39

Uh Huh.
"aggression, ambition, ribbing, competition, passion, authority, and plain speech--all of these are often discouraged when women are present, in order to spare feelings and prevent discomfort."

Sure. Because, as a woman, I am not aggressive, ambitious, passionate, authoritative and plain speaking, so therefore in my oh-so feminised environment I discourage such behaviour.

Oh wait though. I am all those things.

And, with all the respect that blog is due-(i.e, not much), society is not quite as "Gyno-centric" (ha ha) as this nutter seems to think.
Ask, I don't know, a female police officer, army officer.
Hell, ask a nurse.

Also read some of the comments below that blog. The fear and loathing of women was sickening.

What a load of total pseudo sociological arse StepenBeecham

Stephenbeecham12 Sun 11-Nov-12 23:00:18

I wonder what your post could possibly be about?

I’m sure that you too, in your own way wish to help “soontobedivorced” understand why she can’t get what she wants. Perhaps she understands your point.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 12-Nov-12 00:39:33

I think that it's better to go into dating with fun rather than lifelong commitment in mind. If anything should be fun, dating should be fun.

If it is not, then perhaps it's time to take a break and work out why you:
1). Find it so tiresome and
2). Dedicate your time and energy to such a draining activity.

I have used OL dating. I have found it a positive experience. I didn't take it too seriously. I never took the sex seekers queries personally. I ignored some, laughed at others and moved on. One thing that OL dating is good at is giving you a chance to weed out those wholly undesirable to you quickly and easily.

OL dating can't give you a happy ever after. It only provides an introduction service.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 12-Nov-12 09:42:44

Its about that link you posted to the blog you thought had all the answers Stephen dear. The one that was full of shite. Did you not mean to link to that ?

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 12-Nov-12 09:47:11

I think that is exactly the right attitude dione.
Fwiw i know its the same for the men I know too. I know, maybe, 4 men in thirties and forties who are desperate to find someone they can love,and all want kids etc. There is nothing wrong with any of them, its just that finding a good fit can be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Stephenbeecham12 Mon 12-Nov-12 11:08:42

Oh I see.

Yes I too felt that that was not a particularly strong point, rather over generalised. However have you not noticed that groups of men and groups of women sometimes communicate in different ways as opposed to when they are in “mixed” company?
Everyone else has noticed.

However, I can’t see any connection at all between that point and the reasons why soontobedivorced et al don’t know the answer to their question. It must be quite obvious if you read the blog. There are none so blind as those who refuse to see. The answer is there and elsewhere on that blog but if you don't like them, then they must be wrong eh!

You thought that some posters had a fear and loathing of women? Perhaps they did, I didn’t read them. Perhaps they have a reason? Perhaps that is the answer to the question, no?

I thought it was an interesting blog post. Was there something that you didn’t agree with dear?

Dahlen Mon 12-Nov-12 11:30:18

Never tried OD personally partly because the many people I know who have done it (male and female) tell me horror stories just like the ones on this thread. hmm

A few things stand out from those experiences though. The main one being that unless you are experienced in OD and have very good character judgment (even harder when you're applying it to a profile rather than the actual person), the free sites are often a complete waste of time for anyone looking for a LTR. Most of the people I know who had success with OD used paid-for sites that are much more selective with their screening and try much harder to match you with compatible people.

Once you get over a certain age, most single men are single for a reason. While I know lots of lovely men, they are the ones who tend to be in happy relationships already. Obviously there are exceptions since infidelity and fuckwittery are not controlled by sex chromosomes, but IME the amount of single men single because their long-suffering partners have had enough of being cheated on, left to do more than their fair share of housework/childcare or widowed in preference of COD or some other hobby, are disproportionately represented on OD sites.

Conversely, the number of women who join OD sites looking for a knight in shining armour rather than a partner are also disproportionately represented. And they are ripe pickings for the sort of sexual predator/lazy sod mentioned above.

As indeed is anyone of either gender who is desperately lonely and looking to fill a gap.

But it can and does work. I know a few people who have had successes. There are two traits they've all had in common:
1) they were happy with their lives as single people anyway and just wanted something extra rather than expecting the relationship to fill a gap.
b) they carefully edited their profile not only to accurately represent themselves but also to weed out the twats. The point of a profile is not to make yourself sound irresistible - you've already got a captive audience. The point of a profile is to try to ensure compatibility.

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 14-Nov-12 20:17:35

Stephen.
That blog was a polemic by someone called "girl says what?" that was full of ill thought out opinion backed up by, er, nothing at all based in fact or reason.
For that reason alone, I can dismiss it as total bollocks.
It doesn't help anyone at all, except, possibly the writer, since she is clearly a girl who is a little worried that the boys wont like her unless she tells them what they want to hear.
It's a bit sad really. Dear. As are you. Dear.

Stephenbeecham12 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:21:23

So your first comment was to pick on an utterly irrelevant and minor point just to show that you are, what was it? aggressive and authoritative etc? Congratulations, you are obviously proud of that great achievement. Completely irrelevant to the original post and to the one you were responding to, but hey since when has relevance mattered? As long as you can talk about yourself and how proud you are of your obnoxious traits, then all is well in the world.

And your second post was to dismiss something in its entirety, when the part relevant to the OP is obvious and only part of the whole. Dismissed, further, without allusion or critique. Prone to ill considered sweeping judgements are we? Don’t believe anything unless it is supported by “empirical” “studies” which are “peer reviewed” no doubt.

It seems as if your signature tune is composed of two parts, namely:
1 missing the point entirely and,
2 being angry

Pretty much everything the blogger states is “true” and supported evidentially, should you care to look for it. Refreshingly, she doesn’t need to append her writings with endless citations of studies for presumably she trusts her readership’s ability to seek out the studies and doesn’t need to set it in the context of an “ academic study” which presents the “facts” to give it a false air of authority. If you are the type of person who dismisses the “facts” which are supported by “evidence” you will do so if they conflict with your belief system. It matters not to you whether they are to hand or you need to make an effort to seek them out. The next step after dismissal, (for the impoverished or criminal intellect) is to discredit the source, the next step is to shoot the messenger and the final step is to level unarguable “isms” at your victim. The equivalent of the gulag in Stalinist times (Pussy Riot anyone?)

As an aside -
If you were to check out various “scientific” studies published in Hitler and Stalin’s times I would expect they were peer reviewed as well but those peer reviews no doubt coincided with the zeitgeist and were produced within the context of a society that brooked no other valid opinion other than the one that prevailed. Sound familiar?
Suppression of the truth, Propagation of myths, miss-assignation of motive etc?

Perhaps this blogger is disinterestedly espousing higher values than “attracting the boys” like truth and justice and protecting her children. I’m not sure if your “considered” assessment is projection on your part or cynicism.
Are you really saying that any woman who writes something that you happen to disagree with, despite its validity, is only doing so to “attract the boys”?

How dispiriting. How low an opinion you must have of women. Thankfully I do not, or else this would probably have occurred to me. It must be either that you have a very low opinion of women or just another case of projecting your obvious self-loathing.
Is the gender of a writer so important to you? Think about what you are saying. “I can dismiss anything this woman says because she is only doing it to attract boys”
With that level of ability to analyse discourse and dismiss it out of hand, based on the gender of the writer, I’m surprised you can even manage to get out of bed in the morning

I find it curious that you are interested in a stranger’s relative happiness or sadness. But wait! Can it be another case of your clearly exemplified projection of self-loathing or the all too common ad hominem last refuge of a scoundrel? When arguments cannot be refuted, then look for a chink elsewhere? Shoot the messenger? I am neither one nor the other since you interest yourself. The whole concept of happiness is just a superficial entitlement thing. Puerile and just up your street I guess, Dearie.

IfNotNowThenWhen Thu 15-Nov-12 17:24:07

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Stephenbeecham12 Thu 15-Nov-12 19:21:11

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Latara Fri 16-Nov-12 08:49:48

Re: Online Dating.

I do actually have several past & present colleagues, also lots of acquaintances / friends of friends - who have met & married men or met long-term boyfriends through online dating.
These women used all kinds of sites.

Facebook is also useful; i have a cousin & a best friend who both met & married husbands through FB; also a male cousin who has a girlfriend & baby through FB.

Lots of men & women are just after sex, but quite a lot aren't, or start off that way then meet 'the one'.

Don't give up, OP.

Also try the gym, local cafes, supermarkets & pubs (usually sports pubs) during 5pm - 7pm to get chatting to men who have finished work.

Latara Fri 16-Nov-12 08:57:08

I've dated men through FB; & made good male friends through FB, the gym, going to the local pub & cafes; but myself i'm not looking for a serious relationship right now until i get my health back to normal.

I'm 36 & confident that i will meet a decent man when i'm well.
I do live in a busy town, that helps.
Also my gym is in a hotel with lots of businessmen who travel round.
I work in a place full of men.

Most of all i relax & although i wear make-up, style my hair etc, i don't worry too much about that.
I have lots of interests to talk about (even sports like boxing etc).

The important thing for me is that 'spark' but meanwhile i enjoy making friends & acquaintances.

Personal Safety is very important btw when dating or meeting a male friend, don't forget that issue please.

FlangelinaBallerina Fri 16-Nov-12 09:32:09

Not read the whole thread so forgive me if this has been said, but I thought sharing my friend's experiences might help. She did online dating for a while and found she could reasonably easily weed out the ones who only wanted casual sex. A bigger problem for her was the ones who were single for the very good reason that they had no time in their lives for a relationship. Having met someone they liked didn't change that. This may have been partially because she was going for career men. Anyway, she eventually met a good one, and married him. But I do think her experiences might be pretty common, if you think about it quite a lot of single people are single due to lack of time to socialise and find someone.

ButternutSquish Fri 16-Nov-12 15:18:07

I'm getting married next March to my DP who I met online. We have friends who have got married after meeting this way & another friend who has just gotten engaged...so it can happen. We all met our partners via pay sites; Match, E-Harmony & TimesOnline Encounters.

That being said, I have some across some prize twats along the way. In fairness, I let some of them mess me about as I had absolutely no self confidence after coming out of a 20 year relationship. I was new to the area, so didn't have a network of friends to go out with. I tried various groups to meet men but they were full of groups of friends who really weren't looking for new friends, iyswim

I did have a long distance relationship with a man who turned out to be a compulsive liar. He was actually living with someone and dating me at the same time. Came back to bite him when I also found him on a sex/swingers/cross dressers adult site when random googling his log-in details.

After waiting for HIV test results on my 40th birthday I randomly dated anyone who asked me and had lots of 'encounters' - some fun, some not so fun. I dated married & singles alike, & men I would normally say no to, as they weren't my type...like the chinese guy who I think was secretly gay, an indian guy who called me an ice-maiden because I didn't want to have sex with him. Lots of guys sending cock-shots and requests for pics of my bits too...also a guy who wanted to masturbate over skype...yeah, knock yourself out mate! grin no camera my end!

I was really tiring of the whole thing as I met my DP. He'd been given the run-around too. Women who were alot older than they said they were, complete psycho's who couldn't take no for an answer, one girl who got twated on their first date.....who doesn't have a horror story to tell?

I'm so glad I've found him. He's lovely! Younger than me (call me Ms Cougar!), in a good job, no baggage, funny, sexy, intelligent, the list could go on.....

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 16-Nov-12 17:39:33

<ahem>

Latara Fri 16-Nov-12 18:18:18

Rebecca i think the last post by Butternut was interesting, funny & honest. Also the previous post.

& i'm sure i didn't say anything offensive or rude.

Please don't delete this thread because of people who are offensive to each other just those posts.

SoleSource Fri 16-Nov-12 19:57:09

Thank you for your honesty Butter. smile

I have had very similiar mixed experiences.

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 16-Nov-12 20:12:03

Not sure why my post of 17.24 was deleted. I thought I was being polite!

soontobedivorced Sun 18-Nov-12 16:01:41

curious to know how people found dates through FB?

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