I didn't want to go in the first place and now I think, "Why the hell should I?" Aibu?

(46 Posts)
Pearletta Fri 09-Nov-12 21:27:37

Have name changed because sil is probably on MN.

Sil's dd is having her bat mitzvah in Jan. They live 200 miles from us. We went to her ds's bar mitzvah three years ago. We were happy to go because it was a big family event. The dcs didn't enjoy it at all though - formal occasions are hard for children - and we didn't know anyone there really, apart from pil and a few elderly relatives. That was fine though because it wasn't our occasion and we simply wanted to celebrate.

However, I have recently had a baby. DD3 is 11 weeks old. Sil has sent a gift, asked for photos but is clearly not at all bothered to actually come and meet her new niece.

She texted the other week - she only communicates by text - that her dds were asking if we were planning a visit up north and dh responded that we weren't as we'd just had a baby and we were still finding our way with 3 dcs and a new baby but that she was welcome to come and visit her new niece. Did she want to make a plan to meet her? No response to that.

Now, I'm thinking I really personally cannot be bothered then, to travel, get me and my dcs dressed up to the nines in new clothes, spend a few hundred £ (which we really can't afford) on two nights in a hotel, deal with very bored dcs at synagogue and at the party afterwards (they won't know anyone and their cousins totally ignored them at the bar mitzvah). I think dh should just go as our ambassador. It would save on cost, energy etc.

There is a past history between sil and her parents and dh. Dh is very too close to his mum and dad and sil has been very aggressive in breaking the bonds of what I consider to be controlling parents. Pil will have a fit if the dcs and I don't attend the bat mitzvah but tbh, she's done a lot of rude stuff in the past to us all which we've 'sucked up' (loathe that phrase).

Before he was married with dcs, dh utterly doted on his nephews and niece. Obviously he's a little busier now and has other financial commitments so he cannot spend the same amount of time or money travelling up north to visit them.

What do you think? I really don't think we'd be missed and I do think she should make an effort to meet her niece. After all, your birth is as important as your coming of age, surely?

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Fri 09-Nov-12 21:32:46

YANBU its a two way thing!

Jsa1980 Fri 09-Nov-12 21:35:18

Sounds like you've got enough on your plate with the new arrival. It's perfectly reasonable not to go

SirBoobAlot Fri 09-Nov-12 21:36:46

Hmm. I wouldn't make a decision just yet. See how you feel closer to the time. Congratulations on your new DD smile

(But your SIL does sound like freaking hard work...)

BluelightsAndSirens Fri 09-Nov-12 21:36:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you have a lot going on and it sounds very one sided, will you be missed?

WorraLiberty Fri 09-Nov-12 21:38:43

Well YANBU if you don't want to go, but surely your DH can go with the kids if he wants to?

Also, why do you not refer to your SIL's DCs as your Niece and Nephew?

hermioneweasley Fri 09-Nov-12 21:39:02

YANBU, doesn't mean there won't be fireworks though.

TidyDancer Fri 09-Nov-12 21:44:29

What have visits been like before? Who travelled where and how frequently?

kenanddreary Fri 09-Nov-12 21:46:08

Worra - because they aren't actually her niece and nephew. I also don't refer to my DH's nieces and nephews as being 'mine'. Perhaps it's a sign of not being that close to SIL/BIL.

OP - YADNBU in not going and I wouldn't blame your DH and DC for not going either. You have enough on your plate at the moment. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. It works both ways and it sounds as if SIL isn't playing the game IFYSWIM.

apostropheuse Fri 09-Nov-12 21:48:51

YANBU and you said you're happy for your dh to go on his own, which I think is a good idea.

TidyDancer Fri 09-Nov-12 21:51:22

They are her niece and nephew if she is married to her DH.... confused

The wider family sounds quite fractured tbh, and the OP sounds a bit like she's trying to get out of going regardless of this particular point.

WorraLiberty Fri 09-Nov-12 21:52:51

Yes they are her niece and nephew.

I'm just wondering why all this seems to be down to the OP to decide and sort out when the SIL in question is her Husband's sister.

chickydoo Fri 09-Nov-12 21:56:47

I know very little about the Jewish religion ( please excuse my ignorance) I thought it was only boys who had bar Mitzvah. Something about becoming a man. Can anyone enlighten me, just curious.
In any case I think if you are not going to enjoy the celebration & you would feel happier staying at home, then do what feels right for you

TidyDancer Fri 09-Nov-12 21:59:32

chickdoo, it's not a bar mitzvah, it's a bat mitzvah.

Floggingmolly Fri 09-Nov-12 22:06:16

I think that was a typo, Tidy?

chickydoo Fri 09-Nov-12 22:07:32

Oops ... Yes Bat Mitzvah shows how little I know .... I also haven't got my specs on & can't see a thing<slinks off to find glasses>

MajesticWhine Fri 09-Nov-12 22:10:04

Not a typo, bat mitzvah is for girls

minibmw2010 Fri 09-Nov-12 22:10:20

Bat Mitzvah = Girl
Bar Mitzvah = Boy

CotedePablo Fri 09-Nov-12 22:10:55
TidyDancer Fri 09-Nov-12 22:12:47

Ah okay!

Chickydoo, what did you need to know? Might be best to Google something here, may be a bit difficult to sum up properly!

I'm not Jewish, but a couple of close friends are.

TidyDancer Fri 09-Nov-12 22:14:15

No Majestic, I think chickydoo made a typo, not that Flogging thought it was a typo. Or I could be wrong....

Floggingmolly Fri 09-Nov-12 22:17:21

Sorry, Tidy blush. I'd never heard of Bat Mitzvah, so made a stupid assumption...

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 09-Nov-12 22:18:11

"....but is clearly not at all bothered to actually come and meet her new niece. "

You honestly think she should travel 200 miles to look at a newborn?

Oh sorry, an 11 week old. Seriously same difference. You dont want to celebrate her dds bar mitzvah because she has not made arrangement to come and see a sleeping, feeding, farting, burping pooing baby?

Will your baby miss auntie visiting? Really?

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 09-Nov-12 22:18:31

Sorry T not R

TeaDr1nker Fri 09-Nov-12 22:19:13

YANBU as you have a little one and if you are happy for DH to go alone with the older children then I can't see the problem.

I guess the question is how much of a brougus will this create with SIL and DH family? Will SIL/MIL/FIL talk to you again, do u care? Will your DH be piggy in the middle?

MrsSnow Fri 09-Nov-12 22:20:45

One thing I would say is, that if your DH goes by himself expect your SIL to be saying something about it.

I think it would make sense if you all went or all didn't attend. DH by himself might end up with more problems.

Pearletta Fri 09-Nov-12 22:21:02

Worraliberty, dh seems to just accept whatever his family do to him. Whether it's a nasty text from sil on the day after his wedding about not mentioning her in his wedding speech or inviting all and sundry to our house after I'd just had a section (that was mil) and really couldn't cope with much.

So, I have pointed a few things out to him that are out of order and he doesn't necessarily agree.

We have had a save the date card about the bat mitzvah and before I discuss it with dh, I'd like some views. Just to make sure post birth hormones aren't still in effect.

TeaDr1nker Fri 09-Nov-12 22:21:12

Also, would your DC enjoy this now they are a bit older? Are your DZc similar age to their cousins?

WhitesandsofLuskentyre Fri 09-Nov-12 22:21:28

Pff, I'm having DD1's 18th next week (the non-Jewish equivalent of bat mitzvah I guess) and NONE of my three sisters is coming. To coin a teen phrase... whatever. By the same token, for one reason or another, I haven't met several of my nieces/nephews until they're about 12 weeks old. They're just babies (sorry, babies are VV boring in my view, and I've had three of my own).

So I think YADNBU. Do whatever is needed for your own family unit, and sod the rest of them.

chickydoo Fri 09-Nov-12 22:25:58

Didn't know Bat was girls Bar boys...
You learn something everyday

MajesticWhine Fri 09-Nov-12 22:26:15

I think YABU to expect her to travel 200 miles to see the baby. But YANBU to not want to go to the bat mitzvah, but even so it might be better to keep the peace and go to it, for your DH's sake, and it might turn out to be more fun than you think.

Pearletta Fri 09-Nov-12 22:47:21


"Will your baby miss auntie visiting? Really?"

That's not the point really. Does any newborn miss any relative visiting? But wouldn't family still visit to mark a special occasion regardless of the consciousness of the 'star'. Consider something like a funeral as well?

Conversely, I doubt sil's dd will really miss us at her bm. She wants her pals and maybe her grandparents and dh, her uncle, but beyond that, I don't think she'd notice.

Brycie Fri 09-Nov-12 22:48:37

Sounds like a completely normal and sensible decision not to go. Sounds awful.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 09-Nov-12 22:51:28

Unless they are busy arranging a bat mitzvah thinking they will see new baby then....

TeaDr1nker Fri 09-Nov-12 22:53:12

I think she should have come to visit your new baby - congrats btw, and I get where u r coming from. My BiL came to see my kids when they were born, they r far away, my brother however did not but he is an arse who doesn't care about family.

StuntGirl Fri 09-Nov-12 23:04:30

You seem to be viewing this as very tit-for-tat.

Popsandpip Fri 09-Nov-12 23:16:42

Sorry for the smattering of yiddish words here but they do help make my point...

You're risking a broyges. It's debatable whether your SIL's behaviour re not visiting your new baby is acceptable. However, I'd find it hard to justify not going to your niece's bat mitzvah. I know they can be dull (shul, speeches, lots of (unfriendly) strangers) but this is an important family get together and I really don't think you can or should avoid going. Sorry to say but I think you have to take the moral high-ground here and get ready to travel.

Pearletta Fri 09-Nov-12 23:27:52

Popsandpip, I find we always have to take the moral high ground with sil and I'm pretty bored of it tbh. The arrival of a new family member is a big deal too, isn't it? As big as a bar/bat mitzvah. We are expected to be the bigger people and she just isn't? She's been to Israel and to London (45 mins from us) since the birth of dd.

She pretty much ignored her parents 40th wedding anniversary and her dm's 60th this year.

She is continually rude to wider family especially if it involves family members who married out.

I think it's time to say actually, your behaviour is not acceptable. Not aggressively but just by not jumping to her tune.

This stance however, appears to be odd to dh's family. If there is broigus, then it's actually her doing. I wanted words with her years ago when she sent such a vicious text to dh for his not mentioning her in his groom's speech. Why would he necessarily? Dh stopped me from calling her.

Quint, sorry, how busy do you have to be organising an event? It doesn't take months and months. They've known for a long time she's turning 13, after all. I don't actually mind she's not v. interested in meeting her new niece. Just don't expect me then to be happy to spend money and time and hassle over her dd.

blackeyedsusan Sat 10-Nov-12 00:09:47

you can't afford it.
travelling with a little one is hard work, for some more than others.
sending dh is a sensible compromise. he may be able to go up and back in a shorter time/less expense.

Inertia Sat 10-Nov-12 09:18:04

Yanbu. You don't have to go.

well op you baby will be quite a bit older by then. see how you feel. nearer the time. may be you want to show your lo off?

missuswife Sat 10-Nov-12 10:58:05

If it were me in your situation, I would send DH and stay home with the baby. Send a really nice card and a nice gift saying how much you wish you could be there and mazel tov to the bat mitzvah girl. Maybe you could send one your older children with DH so they can have some special father/daughter time.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to not want to go because of your new baby but I wouldn't want the family drama to escalate so I'd stay home but as graciously as possible. HTH. I'm Jewish if that makes any difference.

WMittens Sat 10-Nov-12 11:03:45

AIBU to think that if your SIL is on MN, the name change will do nothing to hide who you are?

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 11:11:29

Oy vey - your sister in law has a lot of chutzpah for interfering in your pil relationship with her brother. I'm gonna sound like a schmuck, but if she's the strong willed type, I can see this causing issues. It's a bit fercockt, but I would go. Still, gezunt.!

Popsandpip Sat 10-Nov-12 12:56:50

You're right of course OP. I'd consider making a stand but after the bat mitzvah. You'll win no friends in your family if you do it before. I'd prime everyone too - if SIL does/says x, then I will/won't do y.

Good luck. I don't envy you.

pippop1 Sat 10-Nov-12 15:20:27

If it was me I would say that I would like to go but as it is in January and up North, the weather is highly likely to be much too bad (snow pg?) for a baby to travel all that way. So, you can't risk the snow for the little tiny baby and would prefer not to cost them money but not appearing. Yes, your name will be mud for the next 50 years but they will have a reason that sounds plausible and like the caring mother you are. (I'm Jewish too if that helps).

What really annoyed me with my kid's barmitzvahs was when people didn't reply in time or pullled out at the last minute for no reason that they were willing to explain ("sorry Pippop, we just can't make it now), so that I ended up paying for someone who wasn't there. I had however compiled a last minute "extra guests who wouldn't be offended at being asked" list in case people dropped out (I invited some extra kids and a cousin's girlfriend).

I know how very fraught these things can be.

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