To tell dd this is out of order!

(79 Posts)
mosschops30 Fri 09-Nov-12 18:23:29

Dd (16) announces tonight that she is going to town with - lets call him shaun.
So i say isnt shaun 'katies' boyfriend?
Yes but hes my friend too says dd

Me and dh say its not appropriate to go to the cinema with your friends boyf when she doesnt know
Dd says things have 'changed since your day' hmm

so ive told her she needs to message him and say 'sorry cant do this weekend shaun, but woud love to see you and katie soon'

Shes in a strop now.

So AIBU

Gigondas Fri 09-Nov-12 18:24:13

They haven't changed that much! And no yanbu

Jsa1980 Fri 09-Nov-12 18:25:54

We're they friends before he started a relationship with her friend? If not then you are not BUR.

Things may have changed but something's never change!

NoTeaForMe Fri 09-Nov-12 18:27:16

Does 'Katie' not know about the cinema trip? If she knows then fine, if not then not fine!

Eh?

Why on earth should she not go to the cinema with a friend? Regardless of who's boyfriend he is.

Do you want to teach her that being in a relationship = owning the other person??

WorraLiberty Fri 09-Nov-12 18:28:48

Why doesn't Katie know?

mosschops30 Fri 09-Nov-12 18:29:08

No Katie does not know, neither of them saw the need to tell her hmm
she did know him before Katie, and they almost dated but didnt quite hit it off snd he started dating her friend

mosschops30 Fri 09-Nov-12 18:30:09

bunny if dh went out with my friend across the road and didnt mention it id be seriously pissed off, and yes i think thats normal

Snog Fri 09-Nov-12 18:30:45

Depends how much she wants to stay friends with Katie then

Whoknowswhocares Fri 09-Nov-12 18:30:53

I'm not sure I'd want to be telling her who to see and under what circumstances
Like that. Certainly point out the pitfalls and how it might appear to her friend but to tell her who she can be friends with seems a bit overly controlling for a 16 year old!

WorraLiberty Fri 09-Nov-12 18:31:00

She's BU then

If Katie knew all about it was ok with it, that would be fine.

But she doesn't and one has to wonder why....

usualsuspect3 Fri 09-Nov-12 18:31:01

My DS has friends who are girls that have boyfriends. He often goes for a coffee etc with them.

YABU.

EuroShagmore Fri 09-Nov-12 18:31:37

I'm baffled as to why you are getting involved in this.

If they are going as friends, what's the problem?

If there might be more to it, then her and Katie are probably going to fall out. Not your problem.

ENormaSnob Fri 09-Nov-12 18:31:37

Yanbu

lisad123 Fri 09-Nov-12 18:32:02

Not sure what they problem is. I had plenty of friends who were boys that I went to pictures with, don't know if their GF knew or not. blush

ImperialBlether Fri 09-Nov-12 18:32:10

It's nothing to do with owning someone, I'd just good manners and respect for the other person. Poor old Katie will be at home wondering where all her mates are and then realise they're in the back row of the cinema.

WorraLiberty Fri 09-Nov-12 18:36:05

I've had plenty of male friends too

But there was never any secrecy if I wanted to go out with them

That's the difference here I think.

GhostShip Fri 09-Nov-12 18:39:32

YANBU!
The fact that she said 'its changed since your day' suggests she realises she's doing something wrong. Her poor friend sad

Good on you pulling her up about it.

I expect this to be a long thread.

missymoomoomee Fri 09-Nov-12 18:39:51

I didn't tell DH everywhere I went and who with when we were dating. It was none of his business. I don't see why you are getting involved really, you seem to be sending the message that you think your daughter can't be trusted.

GhostShip Fri 09-Nov-12 18:43:53

You don't go to the pictures with your mates boyfriend without telling them.If there weren't anything going on surely they would have said something?

Were her and 'shaun' friends before this OP?

And this might be a massive generalisation, but a teenage boy and girl very rarely go to the cinemas alone in a 'friendly' way.

carabos Fri 09-Nov-12 18:44:59

I think you need to let her find out the hard way whether her actions are acceptable in her peer group. Things may well have changed since your day, but on the other hand if they haven't, then she will have learned a valuable lesson.

NatashaBee Fri 09-Nov-12 18:48:06

I think one of them should have mentioned it to the other girl - otherwise it will seem like they're both keeping secrets from her. Having said that, at 16, she's old enough to make her own mistakes, I don't think I would have stopped her going (although I definitely would have told her it wasn't a nice thing to do).

mosschops30 Fri 09-Nov-12 18:54:43

I havent 'stopped' her from going
Nor am i telling her who she can be friends with <love it when posters make up their own bits>

but i did tell her its out of order and that she should see them both together or that Katie shouldve known

MMMarmite Fri 09-Nov-12 18:59:54

YABU. They're friends. He doesn't need his partners permission to go to the cinema with a friend. If they're deliberately keeping it a secret from katie then that's mean, but I don't see why she needs to be notified in advance of a trip to the cinema.

StuntGirl Fri 09-Nov-12 19:00:05

If they're just mates going to the cinema togther then you're being ridiculous and over-reacting.

If your suspicion is they're going to the cinema together because they're seeing each other behind the friend's back then you're not.

But if it's the latter something resembling an adult conversation about it would have gone down better.

NatashaBee Fri 09-Nov-12 19:00:30

Well then that's all you can do... she will learn a very quick lesson when her friend gets wind of it and no doubt other friends will step in too, and voice their opinions and take sides!

Whoknowswhocares Fri 09-Nov-12 19:00:36

so ive told her she needs to message him and say 'sorry cant do this weekend shaun,

Who's making stuff up? I took it that this comment meant you had/intended to stop her. Sounds that way from what you've written?

hugoagogo Fri 09-Nov-12 19:03:22

YABU

It's a bit weird of you to get involved.

She won't thank you for your advice and may resent it however it turns out.

Dozer Fri 09-Nov-12 19:03:40

Is your DD close/old friends with katie?

If so, then yanbu.

If not, then fair enough.

Either way, is for DD to decide.

TidyDancer Fri 09-Nov-12 19:05:53

I think Katie should've been told, but not her approval sought.

Your DD and Shaun do not need Katie's permissiong or approval to spend time together, but I think it's courteous to let her know they are doing it.

cookielove Fri 09-Nov-12 19:06:02

mosschops30
so ive told her she needs to message him and say 'sorry cant do this weekend shaun, but woud love to see you and katie soon'

To me this reads that you were stopping her from going hmm

I think she should be able to go, he's a mate and they should be able to go the cinema without having to check with peoples partners.

Loobylou222 Fri 09-Nov-12 19:06:21

What difference would it make if Katie did know?

I don't really think you can tell her who she can and can't go out with, but you can' advise her of how it looks from the outsiders point of view.

At the end of the day, she is 16 and will probably do what she wants anyway, one way or another, I know I did.

MammaTJ Fri 09-Nov-12 19:07:13

My DD age 17 often goes to the cinema with male friends of hers and her BFs. They have GFs but are busy or don't want to watch the film.

I can't really see any harm in it.

IslaValargeone Fri 09-Nov-12 19:07:43

Although you say you haven't 'stopped' her from going, your post says
"I've told her she needs to message him and say I can't do this weekend."
To the reader,hat really does sound like you have told her she can'tsee him.
It's a bit harsh to suggest people are making up their own bits.

If you have pulled her up on it fair enough, but I think she has to make the decision, and you should keep out of it.

GhostShip Fri 09-Nov-12 19:08:11

A few of my friends now class DP as their friend, because they've got to know him over time.

Would you all think it was okay if they went to the pictures together though without telling me?

StuntGirl Fri 09-Nov-12 19:10:52

Yes I would actually. I went to the pub last week with a guy who is technically my DP's friend, although he's since become my friend. Just us two. We watched a few bands, had a few beers, it was fun. Would never dream of asking permission or worrying about not going because my DP didn't know.

I think you should have kept out of it. At 16 it's her life lesson she needs to make.

HearMyRoar Fri 09-Nov-12 19:13:51

I don't think that whether going to the cinema with this guy is a reasonable thing for your daughter to do is the point here. The point is that it's not your business to get involved. She is 16 and able to make her own decisions, and her own mistakes. I think a raised eyebrow and a comment that it might seem a bit odd and perhaps katie might not be so keen on the idea was all that was needed. After that it's your daughter's call.

NoTeaForMe Fri 09-Nov-12 19:14:23

I'm not sure I'd stop her from going but I would point out that sneaking around behind her friends back isn't very nice. If its all innocent then why are they keeping it a secret? That's the big question. I would hope that she would come to the conclusion herself that it isn't the right thing to do.

I think she should have friends who are boys and one of them being in a relationship shouldn't change that...but when one half of that relationship doesn't know whats going on then you start getting into deceiving, sneaky territory!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 09-Nov-12 19:14:39

YABU.

Do people have to tell their friends and boy/girlfriends where they are every evening?

Depends I suppose on whether it's a secret, and if it is a secret then why. If it's because the girlfriend will go off on one if her boyfriend dares to socialise without her then fair enough not to say anything, but the boyf ought to seriously question their relationship.

Anyway, they're 16. People change boyfs/girlfs as often as they change their socks in their teens.

hattymattie Fri 09-Nov-12 19:15:20

Well my DD 16 thinks it's not reasonable if they haven't told her - implies they have something to hide. In a gang with others OK not just as a twosome.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 09-Nov-12 19:17:01

HearMyRoar is talking more sense than I am grin

Pozzled Fri 09-Nov-12 19:17:42

Ghostship I would thi.k it very weird if my DH went to the cinema with my friend and didn't tell me. But that's because we live together, have to make arrangement for the kids etc.

When I was dating DH I would not have minded it happening. I might have been a bit miffed not to be asked, but I can think of lots of circumstances where it would be absolutely fine- if I was busy that weekend, or wasn't interested in that particular film etc.

OP, I think you were right to point out how it might appear, but I think you should have let your daughter make her own choice- and learn her own lessons if need be.

PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort Fri 09-Nov-12 19:17:48

Yanbu. As a parent you should try and steer your kids in the right direction.
Katie will be pissed when she finds put her friend and boyfriend went to the cinema and didn't tell her. Whether she should be upset or not, isn't the point. If you know she will be.
As the parent and adult you can see what's coming.
But if she doesn't want to take you advice let it go. She will learn.
You can't control her, you can give advice. Which is what you have done.

Tuttutitlookslikerain Fri 09-Nov-12 19:18:29

Bloody hell! DS2(almost16) has gone to a party tonight with his friend from up the road, who is a girl and has a boyfriend. It didn't occur to me to ask if her boyfriend has been invited and if not does he mind if she goes with DS2! They have been friends years, why would I get involved?

I think YABU!

lljkk Fri 09-Nov-12 19:18:59

I think you were right to point out the obvious & then leave her to her own mistakes.

QuickLookBusy Fri 09-Nov-12 19:19:17

I wouldn't be happy with this.

My dd is 18 and I'm imagining her not telling a close friend that she was going to the cinema with her boyfriend.

I know she wouldn't do that. It's rather mean.

Whoknowswhocares Fri 09-Nov-12 19:26:02

There is a very big difference between feeling that DD shouldn't do it and getting involved though!
At 16 her relationships with her friends (of either sex) are not the business of her mother. Advice is fine but to be telling her she can't and especially dictating at text to the boy concerned is out of line. How is the poor girl going to ever learn if she is micro-managed?

YABVU. My best friend at that age was a bloke and dating another of my friends. None of her business what we did! Just like if he was with his best mate (a bloke). He used to take me out for dinner and everything. It was completely platonic at the time.

However, 7 years later we're now together ;) Only took 6 bloody years!

BOFisAlwaysUltra Fri 09-Nov-12 19:31:31

It's the secrecy that whiffs. I do think you were right to pull her up on it- it's part of a parent's job to teach right from wrong. You were perhaps a bit prescriptive though- it might have been better to have a more open conversation and try to get her to work it out for herself. Although that's maybe easier said than done.

wineandroses Fri 09-Nov-12 19:33:47

I don't get why you are involved? She is going to the cinema with a friend. Girls are allowed to have male friends, even if they have girlfriends. My nieces have just as many male friends as female and they would find it most odd to have to check with the girlfriends before going to the cinema. I don't think there is anything sneaky about meeting a friend and not telling other friends about it. I think it would be quite sufficient to gently enquire if Katie is going too, but it would be quite normal for girls I know to say no, why? Telling her to send that text is really overstepping the mark.

LFCisTarkaDahl Fri 09-Nov-12 19:37:48

Sorry but I think things have massively changed since I was young. DD (14) has loads of male friends, some of whom are dating her friends and she still pops down town with them, goes ice skating with them, hangs out with them without the other girl being prior informed - it just wouldn't occur to her as there's no ulterior motive.

She has a totally separate friendship with them and there is much less jealousy amongst her peer group.

mosschops30 Fri 09-Nov-12 19:46:52

Ha ha MN is so funny sometimes

Can you imagine me coming on here saying 'just found out dh has been out fir the night wirh another woman'?

Can you imagine the uproar of 'leave the bastard', 'no way would my dh do that/would i put up with that' 'he is emotionally abusing you'

Or would it be

'so what, your dh can go out with who he wants, you dont own him' 'your dh doesnt have to tell you where hes going or who hes with'

ROFL what a fucking fickle full of shite bunch you can be sometimes

mosschops30 Fri 09-Nov-12 19:51:13

Oh and i love that at 16 my dd should be able to do whatver she wants, make her own decisions and i should butt out hmm
at 16 and still living in my house she will bloody listen to my opinion.

Thanks pamela for grasping that i have not sat dd down with a gun to her head and forced her to send a message to Shaun. I have suggested thats what she does

lovebunny Fri 09-Nov-12 19:53:39

its the way its done. even married 'friends' would do it. i think it stinks, i think it leads to trouble, but they insist that they all know so much more now.

wineandroses Fri 09-Nov-12 19:54:29

So why ask for opinions then? Carry on.

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 09-Nov-12 19:55:32

I'm 22, and I went to the cinema/for a walk/to the park/shopping with my friends boyfriends from around 15. We were all good friends and everyone would do it.

Sometimes, especially at that age, it can be nice to go somewhere with someone of the opposite sex who isn't trying anything/wanting anything/no rumours will start. Just - being.

Tuttutitlookslikerain Fri 09-Nov-12 19:58:47

What has got into you Mosschops? You asked for opinions, you got them. You've not be flamed! There is no need to be so bloody rude. If you were so cocksure you were right, why did you ask?

Mrsjay Fri 09-Nov-12 19:58:56

I am not sure why you are getting involved in this and making her send a message she isn't allowed to go if you think there is something going on then it is obviously going to go on even if you say no she is 16 and they are friends , dd2 went to the cinema to see a film nobody else wanted to go to with her friends boyfriend ,

hugoagogo Fri 09-Nov-12 19:59:10

You seem very sure that you are right; so why ever did you post?

It's ridiculous to compare the relationship between a couple of 16 year olds with people who are married with children as if they are the same thing. hmm

jamdonut Fri 09-Nov-12 19:59:45

I totally agree things have changed.
My DD isnearly 16 and this seems to be the norm in her friendship group.
I find it really odd...when I was her age I had a long term boyfriend and we spent a lot of time in each other's company,particularly outside of school, whereas my daughter and her friends spend time in groups, boyfriends and girlfriends included, at one or other of their houses, or just arranging to go to the cinema etc,with whover wants to go. Nobody seems to get into jealous rages.

Mrsjay Fri 09-Nov-12 20:01:20

she is a teenage girl you are overracting and tbh she is going to go behind your back if you are banning her from the pictures she is 16 jeezus she isnt going to an orgey with him, why is it your business

musicmadness Fri 09-Nov-12 20:02:32

I do this all the time confused. I generally get along better with guys and will go out to the cinema or something with them whether they have girlfriends or not. I've never known the girlfriends to mind their boyfriend hanging out with a friend either, even if the friend is female. I can't say I would have minded if my ex did this at all. I don't see the point of being in a relationship with someone if you don't trust them to behave appropriately around members of the opposite sex.

mosschops30 Fri 09-Nov-12 20:03:26

Its not ridiculous to compare, if we dont teach our children now to take others feelings into account and respect relatinships then how do we expect them to behave as adults?

Once again i have not 'made' her do anything <slips gun behind cushion> grin

not being rude, just wanted to point out blatent double standards in 'oh theyre 16 its fine they didnt mention it to his girlfriend' and 'oh theyre 18 and married with a child its fine he didnt tell his wife he was taking another woman out'
No difference at all IMHO

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 09-Nov-12 20:05:41

Actually, I agree with you mosschops.

Clearly that puts us in a minority!!

slambang Fri 09-Nov-12 20:06:26

I agree with you Moss but would have suggested not told dd

BOFisAlwaysUltra Fri 09-Nov-12 20:06:36

I think it is your business, mosschops- it's you she'll come crying to when her mate isn't talking to her, and everyone in the friendship group is taking sides.

CharminglyOdd Fri 09-Nov-12 20:11:27

I think YANBU.

I used to go out with male friends who had girlfriends but, the important thing, they knew. The only instance I can think of that (fortunately) didn't involve me was a female friend who arranged to go to a concert with a male friend. She had been to places with him and his GF before, just thought GF couldn't make it this time. Until she got a hysterical call from the GF because the guy hadn't told her and she'd found the concert tickets in his pocket hmm He hadn't told his GF because he wanted to date my friend, end of in fact they did end up going out together and I didn't like the way it was handled at all.

SantasStrapOn Fri 09-Nov-12 20:11:53

No, I agree with mosschops too.

hugoagogo Fri 09-Nov-12 20:15:05

I must have missed the bit where you said they were shagging; I thought they were just going to the cinema.

TinyDancingHoofer Fri 09-Nov-12 20:20:26

YABU.

And i would say the same if i were talking about a married woman situation. They were friends before, they are still friends now. It is nice to have one to one time with friends. It doesn't sound like a massive secret more that they probably just never bothered to tell the GF. Or maybe they think the GF is a bit controlling and jealous and didn't want her to make a mountain out of a molehill.

KenLeeeeeee Fri 09-Nov-12 20:24:04

So why did you bother asking AIBU if you're so certain you're not BU?

FWIW, I think YANBU to have offered your dd advice that her friend may well be pretty pee'd off at her going out with her boyfriend, but only you can judge whether or not your DD is the sort to mess around with a friend's bf. If she is, then there's a whole other conversation that needs to be had. If she isn't, then YWBVU to tell her she obviously can't be friends with a boy without there being a hidden agenda on one or both their parts.

HecatePropylaea Fri 09-Nov-12 20:25:36

i don't think you are being unreasonable.

Going to the cinema with a friend - fine.
Going to the cinema with a friend who is also the boyfriend of your friend - fine
Hiding going to the cinema with your friend who is also the boyfriend of your friend - NOT fine!

It's the hiding it that makes it unacceptable. And "we both saw no reason to tell her" is code for hiding it. That is screamingly clear.

If your daughter's friend says to her "so, what did you do last night?" will your daughter say oh, I went to the pictures with X.

Or will she lie?

That's the tester.

I think she'd lie.

ask her.

And I agree with you - out of order.

LittleBairn Fri 09-Nov-12 20:26:38

YANBU I agree at 16 she is still maturing she still needs guidance.

slambang Fri 09-Nov-12 20:43:36

Response of a 16 year old (ds1)

Told ds(16) the scenario. His question: Well, what are their intentions?
My answer : Maybe just to watch the film together?
Ds: No. The reason they aren't telling the girlfiend is the reason it's not OK.

I think he's got something there.

StuntGirl Fri 09-Nov-12 20:50:09

Mossy, my boyfriend hangs out with my friends all the time. Last week I found out, after the fact, he'd spent Saturday with one of them while I was at work. My friend is male, but if I were questioning whether my boyfriend could hang out with my friends based on their gender, I'd have to have a serious word with myself.

I do however think that if your suspicions are that they are seeing each other behind the friends back, rather than just being friends hanging out, then you have every right to be concerned about your daughter's behaviour.

CarolynKnappShappey Fri 09-Nov-12 20:57:41

I'd advise her that if she doesn't tell the female friend their plans she may be heading towards a messy situation, so she should have a bit of a think, and that it is then her decision. Unless Katy is a knife wielding gang member, in which case I'd put my POV a bit more strongly.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 09-Nov-12 20:59:42

What a palava about nothing.

Gawd forbid your daughter is going to the cinema with a male as a friend. Is it so hard to believe that your daughter can be friends with a male? Ive been best friends with a guy, been close friends with his gf and managed to not strip off and shag him. hmm

That aside, if they were did fancy one another and were growing closer, and this was their route then leave them to it! Be a mum and there to pick up the pieces, hopefully she'd only do it once, but you giving her ear ache wont stop her.

But dont doubt her in the first place, you have to at least give her the benefit of the doubt!

And if you never thought she'd do the naughties, and you always trusted her and just thought it was 'not the right thing' then butt out. What on earth are you on about? hmm

BeauNeidel Fri 09-Nov-12 21:04:43

YANBU.

A sixteen year old, who let's face it, might change boyfriends like underpants but might also have a very fragile ego, I think it is important to still be teaching them that it's not nice to go behind someone's back. It may be totally platonic - but they are keeping it a secret which suggests not.

If they have been friends since childhood it's different; your post suggests not. As a teenager, I would have been really hurt and upset had I found out that my boyfriend gone out with one of my friends. Now, no I wouldn't be, but I'm an adult now with a fully developed sense of self and would be totally confident in my relationship.

Teenagers still test boundaries like smaller children do, and this is a good example. I would have made my opinions known but probably wouldn't have told her to text him.

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