To be sick of people trying to tell me how to care for my newborn?

(61 Posts)
Revelsarethebest Fri 09-Nov-12 08:41:53

My newborn is 3 weeks old. Im 25, married and a first time mum (although have qualifications and alot of experience in babies and children so not clueless).

My baby has terrible wind and really struggles with it. I ve spent hours winding her, changed to anti colic bottles etc, use infacol etc, nothing has helped.

I went to see a friend yesterday (shes much older than me and has a daughter whos 30). All the time i was there, she spent the whole time trying to wind my baby, baby was settled and this was unsettling her.

She spent the whole time trying to tell me what to do with her, said i should change her milk as it was obvious it wasnt satisfying for her (she has 5 ounces every 3 hours) and that as she will take a dummy after a feed that was a sign that it was filling her up!

Tried to explain that i wasnt changing her milk as shes never sick and therefore i could end up with problems if i start messing with her milk etc also HV as advised not to change it.

She tried to convince me to give my baby water with sugar in to get her wind up shock

Theres no way im giving her sugar hmm

There was plenty of other stuff too

I came out of there feeling like a shit mum :-(

My mum also makes comments too.

Fairylea Fri 09-Nov-12 08:44:52

Nod and smile. You'll suffer years of this with everything from weaning to potty training. Everyone has an opinion. If you are content you are doing the best you can then everyone else can fuck off.

EricNorthmanIsMyMaker Fri 09-Nov-12 08:45:33

Hugs. There will always be someone who thinks they know better.
Just remember that she's your baby & Mummy knows best. If you are happy & she is happy then just tell people to mind their own!

valiumredhead Fri 09-Nov-12 08:46:39

Sorry but you need to toughen up and get used to it - this goes on forever when you have a child - just learn to shrug it off. People have pearls of wisdom ALL the time, with babies, toddlers, teens...

Water with sugar used to be recommended for constipation that's prob why she suggested it.

Congrats btw! smile

Fairylea Fri 09-Nov-12 08:46:43

As a side note ds had terrible colic and reflux and we found that changing his milk did help (to sma gold .. the comfort ones were awful and made his colic worse) but that's just my experience... you don't have to listen to me ! smile )

Revelsarethebest Fri 09-Nov-12 08:50:15

Shes on SMA gold now. But is never sick (never have to change her during the day etc)

Yes, this is normal when you have a baby smile
Congratulations on your little one!

YDdraigGoch Fri 09-Nov-12 08:52:03

You won't just get advice up to weaning and potty training - you will continue to get advice up to (and after) they go to university! Say "oh good idea" - and carry on as you were.

Iggly Fri 09-Nov-12 08:54:26

YANBU

Although I wonder if its reflux/intolerance to milk. Infacol is not proven to work. <runs, as giving advice>

Fakebook Fri 09-Nov-12 08:54:48

5 oz every 3 hours is very good for a 3 week old IMO. I can't see how she would be dissatisfied with that.

Just ignore. You know your baby better than a stranger, so carry on as normal.

nannyl Fri 09-Nov-12 08:56:49

Craniel osteopthy worked wonders when my (BF) baby was suffering the same

colief was also far more effective for us than infacol

Revelsarethebest Fri 09-Nov-12 08:58:38

nannyl whats colief?

iggly if it was an intolerance wouldnt she be sick?

pictish Fri 09-Nov-12 09:00:14

Better get used to it OP. Everyone and their dog has an opinion about how to raise your baby, but it doesn't matter, because you'll suit yourself anyway.

It certainly isn't intended to upset or devalue you.

It's no biggy. Smile and nod.

VodkaJelly Fri 09-Nov-12 09:01:54

Just ignore, nod polietly and ignore. The unwanted advice never stops. I am due to have DC4 next month and I am getting advice on how to bring up a baby, normally from people who have only had 1 young child!

It does amaze me how much unsolicited advice is given.

mysteryfairy Fri 09-Nov-12 09:02:00

Blimey she is taking a lot of milk for such a young baby

Sorry wink

Raspberrysorbet Fri 09-Nov-12 09:03:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iggly Fri 09-Nov-12 09:04:58

No not necessarily.

You get silent reflux - no vomiting and it seems like there's wind but you can get it out. But they're wriggling because of the acid coming up to the throat then down again.

Both of mine had this - they reacted to cows milk.

Water and sugar hmm maybe just a "ahh its all different nowadays" with a non commital shrug every time someone gives you frankly awful advice like that.

Your dd sounds like she is doing fine. Mine always needed more time spent on winding than feeding.

missymoomoomee Fri 09-Nov-12 09:06:00

There was a thread on parenting not long ago about a lady wanting to track down a mum in the supermarket to report her to SS due to the mum not picking him up when he was crying. The person went over and suggested to the mum that he needed feeding and said she would push the trolley or carry the baby, at which point the granny appeared and picked the baby up.

People love to get involved whether its their business or not. I wish people would only give advice when its asked for. Just ignore.

MordecaiAndTheRigbys Fri 09-Nov-12 09:06:14

My son is 6 and apparently I'm still not doing it right.... Smile and nod, that's what I say.

mameulah Fri 09-Nov-12 09:06:16

OP, my baby is due in two days and I have no idea or any advice about what you are doing with the milk. I am sure you are a brilliant Mum and you have my total empathy with finding it difficult to cope with other peoples 'helpful advice'.

I look like the size of a house and if ONE MORE PERSON says to me 'have you not had that baby yet?' I think I am going to scream!!! It takes every effort in the world not to turn round and scream 'DOESITLOOKLIKEI'VEHADTHEBABY??????????'

Don't let those 'helpful' people spoil this special time for you.

starfishmummy Fri 09-Nov-12 09:06:41

I'm sure it is all well meant, but obviously things change - 30 years ago, what your friend is suggesting, was probably normal.

BUT in a few years time, you will probably end up being the annoying person; we all say we won't and then go ahead and do it! grin

BackforGood Fri 09-Nov-12 09:08:18

Yes YABU - as you chose to put it in here.
You are allowed to be if you have a new baby though.
People don't like to see a baby who is crying, and kindly offer their suggestions. You don't have to get into a bit debate / explanation of why you are/aren't doing it, you just say "thanks, I've not heard of that before" or something similar, and ignore all the bits you don't want to do, and just take on board any idea that sounds worth a try to you.
By listening to others (not just now, you'll still need support when they are 18+) you hear all sorts of things that you think are pretty ridiculous, but every now and then you hear a little nugget that just makes your life sooooooooooo much better. Just don't get into arguements with friends as you'll always find people have different ideas on what you consider to be quite crucial things.

Mrsjay Fri 09-Nov-12 09:08:30

really nod and smile and say oh maybe and then people are pleased that they have passed on some good experienced mother advice and calm down about it

I am sure in 30 years time you wil be passing on advice about bottles and winding,to some other new mum
your friend has good intentions honestly she doesn't want to harm your baby, oh and sugar water is an ancient remedy for constipation and it works Gps and HV used to recommend it , anyway remember and smile and nod smile

Mrsjay Fri 09-Nov-12 09:09:13

your friend isn't your mil in disguise is she wink

BreeVanDerTramp Fri 09-Nov-12 09:09:33

I still keep getting told I'm rubbish at winding and I'm on DC3, to be fair I am rubbish at it grin

Tummy tubs are fab for getting wind out, it like a little jacuzzi when it comes out!

Mrsjay Fri 09-Nov-12 09:10:49

p (to sma gold .. the comfort ones were awful and made his colic worse) but that's just my

I changed to sma gold with dd1 and colic went and she winded like a good un with her baby man burps grin

deakymom Sun 11-Nov-12 13:41:25

happens all the time my daughter is 12 and im still getting unasked for advice and if you ask for it..............well you obviously cant cope! (according to the ones who always advise you anyway) so its a no win situation by the way sugar and water are for constipation not for problems with wind! try the tiger in the tree it worked for my odd baby she held on to her wind like a pauper with a penny my aunt also popped her face down (not with her face smothered!) on her lap and rubbed her back she said she did that with one of hers the advantage was you could still watch the tv! and it worked eventually and my dad would sit her on his knee and you know when you get a trapped nerve your leg jiggs? he would do that till she burped! you will find your own way

lisa1968 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:42:49

my kids are 14 and 9-and I still get 'advice' thrown at me!
FIL is the best one-great at giving advice considering he left the upbringing of his 3 kids to their mum-he didn't even sit with them at mealtimes cos he wanted to eat in peace after being at work all day!!
The latest is how much food DS eats-he's 14 so he consumes the contents of Tesco 6 times a day-but if we don't keep an eye on things he'll have a weight problem.....
thanks for that.....

BinksToEnlightenment Sun 11-Nov-12 21:15:36

Oh god it's annoying isn't it? People won't stop giving advice but you'll stop giving a shit.

Smile and nod. I'm two years into it now and you could tell me to turn my son into a marionette and get him to dance to la cucaracha. Same smile and nod.

Bree I was thinking of getting one of those for when ds arrives. Is it ok to use from newborn?

BreeVanDerTramp Mon 12-Nov-12 09:07:44

mmm you can use from new born but it takes two of you and is a bit nerve racking to start.

DD could sit well from 6 weeks smile

pinkdelight Mon 12-Nov-12 09:20:28

another vote for cranial osteopathy here. sorry, know you don't want advice!

Wow 6 weeks! I've got a normal one now so will use that until he's big enough for it. Bit shocked that's its 20 quid though

mercibucket Mon 12-Nov-12 09:35:47

Mumsnet would grind to a halt if we all stopped giving advice!!
Sometimes it's hard cos the advice is obviously crap, outdated or dangerous (leave baby crying at bottom of garden, strap a coin to an umbilical hernia - my personal faves) but it's really hard when you see someone with what could be a problem and they don't want to know. Been there myself, thought I knew it all and din't listen, but turned out my friend was right after all

mercibucket Mon 12-Nov-12 09:35:48

Mumsnet would grind to a halt if we all stopped giving advice!!
Sometimes it's hard cos the advice is obviously crap, outdated or dangerous (leave baby crying at bottom of garden, strap a coin to an umbilical hernia - my personal faves) but it's really hard when you see someone with what could be a problem and they don't want to know. Been there myself, thought I knew it all and din't listen, but turned out my friend was right after all

blackeyedsusan Mon 12-Nov-12 09:37:38

oh yes... every man and his dog has aan opinion and think it is their right to let you know... repeatedly...

Queenofsiburbia Mon 12-Nov-12 09:50:23

My MIL already giving out 'advice' to people with newborns who she hardly knows. I'm due in 3 weeks & dreading the deluge!!!

So far the best is "of course the absolute worst thing you can do whilst breast feeding us to eat grapes - people brought me lots of grapes after DS2 was born & it was terribly acidic'"
Her DS2 is, if course, my DH. Last year he had an op to fix a dodgy oesophagus valve, having had very bad reflux his whole life. It's genetics, not grapes!!!
(I will obviously be pointing this out to her as kindly & politely ahem as poss when I get that pearl of wisdom offered to me in a few weeks).

All tips in politely telling people to butt out and Foxtrot Oscar when sleep deprived and stressed gratefully received hey OP?!

MerseyMama Mon 12-Nov-12 09:57:00

Really not telling you what to do an just sharing my experience , I have four children youngest is 3 months and the last three have all had terrible wind, they normally grow out of it by 12/15 weeks. However my hv recommended brown sugar in warm water and it really does help. Also my local children's hospital babies are given sugar water when they take blood as studies proved it helps with pain so sugar is not always a bad thing.

My midwife said not to eat many grapes while breastfeeding too

Oh god! The stuff people tell you about what you should and shouldn't eat during BF. And it's all a load of superstitious crap any way, except of course cutting out dairy if your DC is CMP intolerant. Oh, and not getting blind drunk or drinking excessive amounts of caffeine. Milk is made from what's in your bloodstream, not the contents of your stomach.

Rant over! smile

FairiesWearPoppies Mon 12-Nov-12 10:15:38

My ds was exactly the same and was on sma gold. He was never sick either however we changed to aptimil and the colic an wind disappeared it may be worth considering. smile

Milk is made from what's in your bloodstream, not the contents of your stomach

Erm, what we eats travels into our small intestines and then into our bloodstream. Hence how painkillers work etc so what we eat does affect our milk.

LeBFG Mon 12-Nov-12 10:20:53

Most advice I just nod to and say 'ah yes'...then do my own thing. They are trying to be helpful after all. I look back to those early baby weeks and I think I was being unreasonable in my expectations of others. All I did was complain and all they did was try and help.

However, a bit of me is still very much on your side OP because I've had some ridiculous, completely unsolicited advice from strangers. And this I object to enormously. I was told by one old lady that I would give DS brain damage because I was burping him so much hmm. Lots of comments about how over/under dressed DS was. I now coldly blank this sort of commentary.

milkmoustache Mon 12-Nov-12 10:25:01

Being offered 'helpful' advice when you have such a young baby and are awash with hormones is a pain in the arse... I bit my MILs head off when she asked me if I was going to feed my howling DD, having spent the last hour doing precisely that!Try and let it wash over you...and remember it is mostly well-meant.

Jen547 Mon 12-Nov-12 10:37:34

Every single mum in the world is doing it all wrong according to every other mum they meet. Im confident enough to say that everyone of us has been made to feel like a shit mum by some "helpful" women at some point. But don't totally ignore all advice-givers. I have been given equal parts useless and totally valuable advice from other mums! You will find your own way of doing things and as long as you are consistent and your baby is healthy THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!!

Jingleflobba Mon 12-Nov-12 10:37:58

I've been raising our children for 12 years and still get advice...
Our youngest is 8 months old and my MIL still hands out the same advice she gave me when eldest was born... Weetabix in milk at 2 months, don't give dummies (hers never had dummies, neither did she - and she still sucks her thumb at nearly 70!), FF will lead to stomach problems in later life, you know the type.
I second the advice to smile and nod. If necessary a non commital "hmm" works wonders, you can make it sound as polite or as sceptical as you need to.
(Disclaimer: when I had a wobble with DD2's weaning a few weeks ago due to my total fear of her choking my MIL was a bloody rock so she's not totally annoying, just well weaning)

Jingleflobba Mon 12-Nov-12 10:38:39

Ahem. Well Meaning. Not weaning!

mmmnoodlesoup Yes, to some extent, but we're down to a cells and molecules by then. Acidic grapes will have no effect on the breastmilk, and neither will wind-producing, undigested carbohydrates in the mother's gut, nor will a fizzy drink give the baby wind.

But this isn't very helpful to the OP, and it's not fair to turn it into a BF thread.

Yes, people interfering and giving unsolicited advice are bloody annoying!
But I have no idea how to help with the wind, sorry. sad

katiecubs Mon 12-Nov-12 10:46:40

I would say, having had a baby like this an having tried various potions, milks and remedies, that they just grow out if it after a while so hold tight and carry on as you were. She sounds like she is feeding great!

Queenofsiburbia Mon 12-Nov-12 11:01:37

I'm finding the prospect of all the breast feeding advice daunting enough, never mind the winding 'help' from wellweaners wink

I am just not that patient, thats the problem.
I think I will do my baby version of the classic MN cold question: "Did you mean for your unsolicited advice to be exactly the opposite to what all the experts have told me?" even if not true

RyleDup Mon 12-Nov-12 11:11:26

It is annoying op. I remember this when I had my first. It doesn't matter how old you are, people ask if this is your first, and then steam in with lots of unwanted advice. Just smile sweetly and ignore it. You tend to get left alone when you have the second.

winterhill Mon 12-Nov-12 11:17:28

YABU
1 People like to help and be useful
2 Some of the advice you may recieve could be useful to you. You don't know everything just because you have a qualification.

BackforGood Mon 12-Nov-12 11:39:00

Am just loving the fact that on a thread the OP started to maon about the number of people giving her advice, so many posters think it's a good idea to chip in their own twopennyworth of tips and advice grin grin grin

Rockchick1984 Mon 12-Nov-12 11:53:03

Being honest, if you moan to someone and they think they can help then that isn't offering unsolicited advice as you are telling them about a problem - wouldn't you be annoyed if they knew how to fix it and didn't tell you, coz I certainly would be! Yes, some advice you will be given can be politely discarded, but if you have chosen to discuss it then that is completely different from the unsolicited advice of a stranger coming up to you in Tesco or wherever!!

Mrsjay Mon 12-Nov-12 12:30:01

so many posters think it's a good idea to chip in their own twopennyworth of tips and advice

we just can't help ourselves it just comes blurting out I do hope the Op was smiling and nodding as she read grin

FWIW when i had my first baby I had childcare qualifications as well still had advice thrown at me just because you have a qualification in childcare doesn't mean that the theory the practical

Revelsarethebest Mon 12-Nov-12 14:19:45

I dont mind advice, its critisim that i dont like - there is a difference.

My friend was being critical, not helpful. When i was winding my baby, she said "did the hospital not teach you how to wind her?" grrr!

"Dont take this the wrong way ... but.. shes spoilt already, and the baby knows it!" hmm

Constantly comparing me to what her daughter was like when she had a baby 5 years ago and how fanastic her daughter did things.

I think theres a big difference between giving advice and going on and on for hours making the person feel like she doesnt know what shes doing and making her feel inadequate.

Thanks for the comments tho! :-)

grumpyinthemornings Mon 12-Nov-12 14:38:00

DS had horrible colic. Gripe water sorted it out within a week. Worth a shot?

I've perfected the blank stare, I get a lot of unsolicited advice as I'm quite young (I think it's that - am mid-20s). It's usually about the kids crying, why don't I comfort them etc, when the simple fact is they're fussing over nothing. It gets easier to blank it out over time...

confuugled Mon 12-Nov-12 16:36:10

Saying 'crikey, things have changed a lot since your / your dd's day - if the HV found out I'd been doing that she'd have social services onto me in a moment!. Isn't it amazing how what is standard practice in one generation is considered bad or dangerous the next... Hey ho I expect by the time dd has her first child I expect that things will have moved on several times again.' can help and turns it back onto them a bit. if she queries the dangerous bit - turn it around to cot deaths and say how the numbers of cot deaths have plummeted over recent years, since the advice to put babies to sleep on their sides and then updated further to their backs came in - nobody can really argue with that!

For what it's worth, ds1 had bad colic. We switched him from SMA to Aptamil and the problems stopped almost overnight.

I was also told by a friend who's a doctor something that made much more sense about burping babies than anything else I'd seen or heard. If babies get gas in their intestines then in order to get it out that gas bubble is going to have to move up, down, sideways - every which way to get out. it's like trying to get a ball through a maze (albeit one where the ball is trying to go up rather than down). And you can't see it so you don't know if you're sending it in the right direction either. The key to burping them therefore is to try to make sure that this bubble can go in all different directions by moving the baby around rather than just patting them on your shoulder or on your lap. As soon as you start thinking about it and visualising a gas bubble in gut (think way back to biology lessons at school!) and then how it needs to get out - a simple one dimensional pat isn't going to be much help. It might get lucky and get one or two out, just because that's the stage they were at, but trying several different positions several different times really helps!

rubberducky24 Mon 12-Nov-12 16:47:55

another vote for Colief. I used Infacol and Dentinox with no luck, and tried Colief as a last resort as its so expensive. Baby now burps without being winded. It is thirteen quid though so I asked my GP to prescribe it once I knew it worked as it only lasts for 4-5 days.

quesadilla Mon 12-Nov-12 18:28:27

Its pretty much standard, as others have said, but YANBU to be irritated by it. I'll never forget when my dd was 6 weeks old I was in Boots, it was sub-zero temperatures and dd was wrapped up warm in her buggy. I had been in the shop less than five minutes and took the calculated decision that as I was going back outside it wasn't worth undoing any of her clothing, dd wasn't crying or showing any signs of distress and this random woman took it upon herself to start removing items of clothing. When I asked what she was doing she said "your baby is obviously too hot." I was so flabberghasted I walked out of the shop without buying whatever it was I came for --- wish I'd had the nuts to take her to task over it. If I were you I'd stand your grand now if you're confident you don't need the advice. It won't stop people sticking their beaks into your business but it will give you a bit of satisfaction.

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