to call DH's bluff over this

(46 Posts)
crunchernumber Thu 08-Nov-12 20:58:54

Background. We have 2 DS, 6 & nearly 4.

As children, I had a dog and DH had a cat. We are very much dog v cat people and often have discussions over which are best. DH has always vetoed idea of having a dog and insisted that he wanted a cat. So much so, that he has convinced DSs that cats are best and dogs are rubbish. Obviously now they want a cat.

I actually quite like cats and would be happy to have one.

It has been subject of lots of discussion recently - what we would call them (DS2 has a ridiculous name in mind and we have joked we can't have one until he changes his mind), whether we would have boys or girls, who would be in charge of dealing with the dead animals etc. We decided that we would wait until DS2 was 4, which he nearly is.

Anyway, I was looking on the Cats Protection League website yesterday and they had 2 9 week old girl kittens which would be perfect. Although we were originally thinking about DS2's birthday (Feb/March time) I said we should think about it as there seemed to be lots of kittens around now and might not be many in spring.

DH said if I wanted to ring them I should. So I did.

CPL lady is coming to do a home visit tomorrow.

Except tonight DH seems to be distancing himself from the idea. He does this all the time. He has listed all the cons of having them, finishing with 'but I don't mind, it's up to you'. This is purely so that, if anything goes wrong (scratching furniture/getting run over) he can say 'see, told you that would happen'.

I asked him whether he was saying that we shouldn't get one and he kept repeating 'I'm not bothered, up to you' and 'another reason for not having one is'

He is now even denying that we have ever seriously discussed getting a cat.

AIBU to say actually it's not up to me, as if it was up to me we'd be having a dog. And if he doesn't actively want one and won't come out and say that this is something he wants to do, then we're not doing it.

And that he is the reason why we're not getting one.

Tempted to leave DH at the CPL to be honest! angry

Nigglenaggle Thu 08-Nov-12 21:01:20

YANBU! Call that bluff! Call it! Bring home a puppy and say you take responsibility for that lol!

crunchernumber Thu 08-Nov-12 21:03:42

May I also add that he maintains we never discussed having a second child grin

I'd tell him if it really is up to you, and he doesn't want any responsibility, then you will be looking for a puppy.

Well I wouldn't, because I'm a cat person, but if I were you that's what I'd say.

(Although the idea of crazy kittens shooting up and down the xmas tree is very cute grin )

MerryMarigold Thu 08-Nov-12 21:04:43

Yes, I would find out what dogs are available from Dog's Trust and call his bluff on it!

We got a kitten from a sanctuary in Nov (2010) and she constantly had an eye infection for about 3 months. It was a very cold winter too. Be prepared for the smell of cat litter as you are not supposed to let them out till after their second set of jabs. That bit was hideous. And we couldn't train her to go outside until summer cos she didn't like the cold!

HumphreyCobbler Thu 08-Nov-12 21:05:10

call his bluff, this is truly irritating behavior

Bogeyface Thu 08-Nov-12 21:05:31

Say that as he isnt bothered and it is up to you, you have booked a home visit from whatever the equivalent charity is for dogs for Saturday!

HazleNutt Thu 08-Nov-12 21:06:49

Oh yes, call the bluff and get a puppy!

PropositionJoe Thu 08-Nov-12 21:08:32

Oh yes. Tell him you're getting a dog. Make him man up and say what he thinks, this sounds really annoying!

crunchernumber Thu 08-Nov-12 21:09:56

I can't do that (though would dearly love to) because boys are adamant that dogs are rubbish and don't want one sad.

DH is, as usual, attempting to get what he wants without having to man up and take responsibility for it being his idea angry

Tuttutitlookslikerain Thu 08-Nov-12 21:10:44

OMG are you me? DH does this all the time! He always says everything is up to me so he can blame me if it goes wrong eg holidays,cars, furniture, everything.

Please call his bluff and let me know how it goes, so I can do it to my DH!

Nigglenaggle Thu 08-Nov-12 21:12:27

Maybe he should take responsibility for explaining to the boys why you arent getting a kitten then? Take the boys to look round the nearest Dogs Trust centre one Saturday - they are lovely places and should be able to persuade them that dogs arent rubbish smile

BooyhooRemembering Thu 08-Nov-12 21:12:28

please dont get a dog unless everyone in the house wants it. it can breed so much resentment and usually ends up with the dog being rehomed. think really seriously about this. dont use a living creature to call someone's bluff.

iloveeverton Thu 08-Nov-12 21:13:14

Sounds like you'll be looking after it so go for the puppy.

discrete Thu 08-Nov-12 21:13:49

Your dc will change their minds about dogs when presented with a fluffy bundle of puppy.

Just do it grin.

Nigglenaggle Thu 08-Nov-12 21:13:51

Hahaha me and DH often have arguements about who has to make the decision, cos neither of us want to - as in 'Up to you dear' 'No, up to you dear, your choice' 'You cant make me choose!!! Its your turn!!' etcetc smile

crunchernumber Thu 08-Nov-12 21:14:47

Booyhoo - I wasn't planning on getting a dog, merely pointing out to him that IF it genuinely was my decision, that's what I'd do.

What I'm trying to get through to him is that we can't have a cat unless he genuinely actively wants one, rather than hypothetically likes the idea.

Nigglenaggle Thu 08-Nov-12 21:15:15

Once a pet is in its in though, regardless of blame. Do not worry Booy, sure OP will be the same.

Bogeyface Thu 08-Nov-12 21:15:16

You dont have to actually get the dog, just use it as a threat so he goes back to his "I want a cat" stance, whereby you can say "Oh, ok, if you are absolutely sure"!

discrete Thu 08-Nov-12 21:15:38

Oh, and we were a very dog/cat couple (well, I liked both).

We now have 2 cats and 2 dogs and dh adores the dogs. Says he couldn't imagine living without them.

firstpost Thu 08-Nov-12 21:19:14

Cats just sort of fit in and mould to the family and tread softly through your life. A dog charges in and changes everything. Actually more similar to having a crazed toddler running around.

I have both smile

Corygal Thu 08-Nov-12 21:21:47

You so won't regret it, and your DH will prob fall in love all over again. Go for it.

Make sure you're not going away for Xmas tho, as the tiny will need 6 weeks with you to settle.

Iheardthatpardon Thu 08-Nov-12 21:22:42

I am a cat person. Dogs ok but in someone else's house! grin
Cats are easier - no endless walks and poop picking up (well not quite the same) and no eating disgusting stuff and rolling in it... at least not in plain view.

That said, if you want a puppy all you need to do is show the boys some puppies and some puppy/dog stuff on youtube and they will be converted quite quickly. Children love animals.

re the DH - tell him you were only looking at kittens because of his preference but as he doesn't seem bothered, you will look for puppy as that is what you really want. He will change his tune pretty quick if he really wants cats.

He is putting the onus on you and the responsibility so that you will do all the looking after, sorting out vets, holiday care etc. As he 'didn't want them'. angry

BooyhooRemembering Thu 08-Nov-12 21:23:15

"Once a pet is in its in though, regardless of blame. Do not worry Booy, sure OP will be the same."

i wish that were true. it just isn't in a lot of cases and the dog becomes a source of massive resentment and rows.

thanks for clarifying OP. I was really responding to the posts from other MNers encouraging you to do it. i know you didn't say you were going to smile

Nigglenaggle Thu 08-Nov-12 21:26:08

With us thats how it is Booy, that was what I meant. Even if it bites us/chews furniture/poos in the nursery once its in the house its our business to make sure its ok.

AdoraJingleBells Thu 08-Nov-12 21:28:46

I get the same-ish from my OH. We have dogs. He wanted to buy 2 more puppies and tried telling me it was my decision and therefore my responsibility to clean up after them etc. I made it crystal clear that it was decision , I don't care if he buys 2 more dogs and will not be the only one picking up their poop. But they don't live inside with litter trays, so it's easier for me to leave it for him to pick up.

Just make sure everyone knows it's not purely your responsibily.

TwitchyTail Thu 08-Nov-12 21:31:17

YANBU - in fact that's exactly what you need to say to him!

It sounds like his heart's not in it, and he needs more time to make his mind up. Honestly a pet is such a huge responsibility - 10-20 years, vet bills, etc - I really wouldn't get one until everyone in the house was fully committed. Otherwise, as you rightly point out, he'll be resentful and blame you for everything the animal does. And don't be fooled by cats being hassle-free - looked after properly, cats require time, attention, and costly food/litter/vaccinations etc.

I'd let the CPL person come so you get the vetting process out of the way, but I'd hold off on actually getting a pet until you are both 100% sure about it.

That, or send him away with the nice CPL lady grin

BooyhooRemembering Thu 08-Nov-12 21:34:16

it's the same in my house niggle so i understand why you said that. i just also know that it isn't that way in a lot of houses.

TwitchyTail Thu 08-Nov-12 21:34:37

And there will always be kittens at CPL until daft irresponsible people learn to get their pets neutered (ie the twelfth of never), so don't feel pressured into needing to get one now.

AdoraJingleBells Thu 08-Nov-12 21:34:55

Meant to say, yes, call his bluff and get a puppy.

BooyhooRemembering Thu 08-Nov-12 21:36:00

BTW OP, there are always kittens needing homes so dont think you have to take the 2 you have found incase there aren't any in spring. there are always cats/kittens needing rehomed.

BooyhooRemembering Thu 08-Nov-12 21:36:33

xposting with twitchy.

crunchernumber Thu 08-Nov-12 21:46:13

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has to deal with a dodging DH.

I was going to cancel cat lady but don't think I will now. Think I will tell her that we want to get vetting process out of way but need to discuss best time to get one.

Then tell DH that whenever he's ready, he just needs to say the word. Probably whilst the DC's are listening wink

MerryMarigold Fri 09-Nov-12 15:08:39

I'm not sure anyone was saying she should get a dog! But just to call his bluff on it.

BooyhooRemembering Fri 09-Nov-12 16:06:23

the first response to the OP said to get a puppy and quite a few others said the same.

When I said to tell her dh she is getting a puppy instead, I meant as a bluff to his bluff, so that he would then say, "but I want a cat!".

BooyhooRemembering Fri 09-Nov-12 16:29:14

yours wasn't one of the posts i was talking about headin. i know you were suggesting only telling the DH that she was getting a puppy. others suggested she should actually get a puppy.

BooyhooRemembering Fri 09-Nov-12 16:30:19

sorry headfirst not headin.

maddening Fri 09-Nov-12 16:34:41

If you go for kittens then think about where you put the Xmas tree smile or make sure you have a video camera ready to make £250 from you've been framed - kittens in Christmas trees always make great comedy smile

crunchernumber Fri 09-Nov-12 18:15:37

Cat lady came and found us suitable grin

They don't rehome kittens this close to Christmas so they are going to get in touch in the New Year.

DH can then have final sign off wink

Did manage to wheedle out of him last night that he did want a cat - although I will still get the blame if they scratch the sofa whilst he's not here angry

StuntGirl Fri 09-Nov-12 19:07:57

Bloody hell, how old is he, 12? There will be no blame when they scratch things, that's just what cats do. You all need to take responsibility to train it not to.

I'm sure he has his nice points OP, but right now I'd definitely be looking into some kind of dog/husband exchange scheme! grin

crunchernumber Fri 09-Nov-12 19:10:17

Of course Stuntgirl DH has decreed that he does not want the furniture scratched therefore he has done his bit wink

The rest he is delegating to me wink

Nigglenaggle Sat 10-Nov-12 12:17:56

Well he can just tell the kittens he doesnt want the furniture scratched and naturally they will respect his authority......

Nigglenaggle Sat 10-Nov-12 12:18:44

Swap the husband for a dog, now that might work :D Bet the dog wouldnt leave so much hair on the couch :D

OHforDUCKScake Sat 10-Nov-12 12:25:51

My DP does this, he too maintains we never discussed having a first child. (We discussed it in length, for months. He was keener than me!)

Do it, get the kittens.

diddl Sat 10-Nov-12 12:34:17

We have a cat & a dog.

My husband wasn´t a dog person-until we got one!hmmgrin

I do most of the work re the dog-which is OK with me.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now