To stick a newspaper under my arse and squat ??

(313 Posts)
HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:37:59

I've been bunged up for days, so far i've tried raising my feet on the loo, sat with the paper and a coffee hoping gravity would take effect ( it didn't) rocking back and forth, vaseline splodges and drinking enough water to sink the marie celeste.

I've also tried prunes, treacle and shredded wheat.

I don't even like shredded wheat.

Bar the odd feeble offering loggy ain't shifting, it's right at the launch pad so to speak but just isn't taking off, I can actually feel it when I bend down etc, it appears to have set like clay.

So, in the interests of avoiding to mathmaticians route ( working it out with a pencil ) and in the absence of a bucket an old tub. Would I be unreasonale to shove a newspaper underneath my poor, long suffering arse and squat ??

Are you the poo troll? <<awestruck>>

Can I have your autograph?

gordyslovesheep Sun 04-Nov-12 21:40:53

ohhhh a poo troll - such fun!

SamuelWestsMistress Sun 04-Nov-12 21:41:02

Orange juice and jogging! Also a good dose of cod liver should do the trick.

Think of the relief you'll get when it does finally blow!

gordyslovesheep Sun 04-Nov-12 21:41:39
pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 21:41:58

Germaloids they Certainly do the trick. Or the coffee enema

Shakirasma Sun 04-Nov-12 21:42:15

Ooh Poo troll!

I've heard of you but this is the first time we've met. Nice to see you x

Why do you require newspaper? Why not simply squat over the toilet?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sun 04-Nov-12 21:42:42

Glycerin suppository

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:43:03

I am not the bleddy poo troll, I curse the poo troll, none of the stabby arse brigade are taken seriously because of the poo troll.

I am however in stabby arsed pain.

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:45:00

Because, I read online that adopting the squat position can help move things down, in the absence of a squat toilet a copy of the advertiser is my only option !

I have come on here to moan, that is all.

Tootyfruityonrouty Sun 04-Nov-12 21:45:22

Do you know any tai chi moves? If not you tube them. Guaranteed to get the bowels moving!

Arthurfowlersallotment Sun 04-Nov-12 21:46:19

Have you tried fibrogel? Senna?

whois Sun 04-Nov-12 21:46:40

Nah, if it's that bad line the bath with paper and squat in there. Desperate times, desperate measures. Wouldn't want to do it over carpet tho ;-)

RubberNeckNibbler Sun 04-Nov-12 21:47:29

I find a trip to the library always gets things moving...

hiddenhome Sun 04-Nov-12 21:47:41

I'm a care of the elderly nurse and sorting out poo related problems is part of my daily life smile

What you need is a phosphate enema - warmed, of course grin

Ah. YANBU. Have you got a copy of the Daily Mail handy?

Also Yy to orange juice. Once when I was very constipated I ate some out of date mackarel which gave me the runs. Have a rootle in the fridge, see what you've got

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:48:09

I've pinched some of the boys movicol, no look so far sad

LightTheGooTouchpaper Sun 04-Nov-12 21:48:31

Do the shred.

I always need a poo by the first set of star jumps.

You need an anal douche.

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:49:10

A phosphate enema ?? Can that be bought over the counter ?? << desperate >>

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Sun 04-Nov-12 21:49:32

You could order something online and then I bet on the delivery date you will go to toilet, the delivery guy will knock but you won't be able move.

Always works grin

usualsuspect3 Sun 04-Nov-12 21:49:41

Coffee and a fag.

I always suggest it in these threads, and no one ever listens grin but here goes...
Finger covered in shower gel, up your bum.
Never fails.
Good luck OP!

HoolioHallio Sun 04-Nov-12 21:50:59

The 'bleddy' poo troll ? Ohhh - the plot thickens. Now just WHO uses a phrase like that ?

I have a job interview on Tuesday. Every time I think of it I need to poo.

Do you have a job interview any time soon Op? Or anything else horribly stressful that you could focus on while squatting?

Fags are good, they have some kind of laxative or something that stimulates the poo glands, according to DH

Goldensunnydays81 Sun 04-Nov-12 21:52:05

Put your legs out in front of you, cross your feet over resting one angle on top of the other then open and close your knees, I found this helped after I had ds!!

OTTMummA Sun 04-Nov-12 21:55:04

Glycerine suppository, but make sure you put the flat bit in first, works a lot better, and make sure it goes in deep wince smile should take about 10mins.

Arthurfowlersallotment Sun 04-Nov-12 21:55:05

Ooh I can still remember my first proper shit after having DD.

I thought my arse was falling out but I felt brilliant afterwards.

Jesus, I'm nostalgic over a dump.

Orange juice and lots of it.

<sigh>

Glycering suppositories.

Somebody should put something on the Review bit about 'What works for (severe) constipation':

Exercise
Water
Fresh orange juice/prune juice/prunes/dried apricots or similar
Allbran (all other so called 'high fibre' cereal is rubbish IMO)
Lactulose
Senna
Movicol/Laxido/Maloxole

All the above and still no joy after 2-3 days, and stabby arsey pain grin

GLYCERIN SUPPOSITORIES

Bisacodyl suppositories
Micralax enemas
Phosphate enema
High hot phosphate enema (think of legend, not sure that it would still be legal wink)

If what stops everything coming out is a hard cork of poo sitting just there and not budging, nothing you take by mouth will work. You need to treat the tail end.

<<promises herself to never reply to a constipation related thread ever again>>

Mintyy Sun 04-Nov-12 21:59:36

Pmsl at Ivor and the job interview grin.

Op - have you tried laxatives? Senokot, or the small round yellow pill whats it called dulco lax or ducoease or summat.

Or squat near the loo to get things moving but actually get on the pan just in time?

VoterColonelSebastianDoyle Sun 04-Nov-12 22:02:20

Ive been exactly the same yday and today. My nan gave me 2 senna tablets had a walk around ashton and low and behold i needed to go. Still had to force the bloody thing out but i did it after nearly turning myself inside out! Dont think the senna had time to work but i found if you sit really straight with your back against the cistern it really helped.(i heard this was the natural path of the "passage") Keep us informed and good luck! grin

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 22:02:24

I'm drinking kia ora orange juice.

scented lovely suggestion but I can't imagine why people don't decide to try shoving orange and passion fruit scented fingers up their shit filled arse, in other words I AM NOT SHOVING SHOWER GEL UP MY ARSE the thought of the resulting thrush up my jacksie would have me looking at my toothbrush in a whole, new light.

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Sun 04-Nov-12 22:03:43

Why is it, that whenever there is a poo thread people always jump in with 'It's the Poo troll!' ffs? What if the OP isn't the PT and these problems are genuine???

I know if I had constipation/the shits and I needed advice desperately I would feel really hurt if I got called a troll just because there just happens to be a poo troll on the site. I've been here a while now so I know how MN works, but if I was a newbie desperate for advice I wouldn't come back if I got called a troll.

OP I have no advice I'm afraid, but I just had to say what I just said. It fucks me right off when people do this angry

VoterColonelSebastianDoyle Sun 04-Nov-12 22:04:45

op you need pure oj not concentrate smile

McHappyPants2012 Sun 04-Nov-12 22:05:55

try a few ciders and a hot curry

Fakebook Sun 04-Nov-12 22:06:15

My favourite is drinking cold tropical juice first thing in the morning on an empty stomach.

You can also try orange juice and olive oil mixed together.

My dad swears by molasses mixed in hot milk.

(We're a family of constipationers)

Molepom Sun 04-Nov-12 22:06:32

I'VE GOT IT!

OP, imagine you are going back to school....

that's enough to make anyone shit themselves.

HecatePhosphorus Sun 04-Nov-12 22:10:37

go for a jog. Running gets the bowels moving.

I find

<sigh> the things I divulge on here grin

That clenching and unclenching repeatedly, as though you were trying to send it right back up your colon, can actually encourage the bugger to come out.

Failing that, as has been suggested upthread - order something on line.

Or arrange an important phone call.

Or arrange to be somewhere.

Or invite the vicar for tea.

Or bung up the toilet so it won't flush.

shockers Sun 04-Nov-12 22:11:59

I had a broccoli, blue cheese and walnut lasagne the other evening, after 3 days of no show.

It worked.

Subway, with their foot long butties has nothing on me grin.

Twice grin

DH wouldn't let me tell him (I tried repeatedly, but he stuck his fingers in his ears and went, lalalalalala)

So I'm telling you instead HELPMyPooIsStuck, because I'd like you to share my triumph.

Walnuts.

That should shift it.

shockers Sun 04-Nov-12 22:12:32

And a brisk walk.

Molepom Sun 04-Nov-12 22:12:51

Get someone to put a large house spider in the bathroom, the next time you sit on the lavvy I guarantee the bugger will come out when you can't move...this will be the time you wil...l um....release.

Molepom Sun 04-Nov-12 22:13:55

Oh don't say that Shockers....I've just eaten a load of walnuts and there's nowt wrong with me.

JoanBias Sun 04-Nov-12 22:15:09

Drink a bottle of cod liver oil.

chinley Sun 04-Nov-12 22:15:20

Apparently Twiglets are supposed to do the job.

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 22:18:39

I've never been bunged up before, poor ds does which is why I could nick his movicol, the child practically gets packed off to the loo with a tape measure and colour chart, and has a welcoming committee on his return eagerly wanting to know if he's 'been'

I now have a whole new respect for the boy.

CunnyFunt I agree, because of some poo smearing numpty us posters in genuine << cough >> rectal discomfort are now a targetted group. Poo holders have rights too ya know sad

NellyJob Sun 04-Nov-12 22:20:57

strong coffee and a fag and then squat on the seat.

HecatePhosphorus Sun 04-Nov-12 22:21:00

from which end, chinley?

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 22:21:07

See, a McDonalds always makes me go, had a tried and tested large big mac meal and strawberry milkshake earlier and had nothing, nada.

I'm now wondering if the consumption of another McDonalds will ease things along ?? hmm

CuriousMama Sun 04-Nov-12 22:23:00

kiwi fruit not sure why but it works. don't shove it up though,eat it grin

Oh and psyllium husks are amazing. You get them from health shops. Swallow recommended amount and drink lots of water. They swell in your bowel and clean you out big style. But you must drink lots of water.

More on them here.

Fakebook Sun 04-Nov-12 22:23:44

Anyone would think only poo trolls poo and the rest of us expel petals and fairy dust confused

I love a good poo thread though. Dog shit, cat shit, baby shit, you name it, I'm there.

CuriousMama Sun 04-Nov-12 22:24:31

So it isn't my imagination I knew it worked!

Molepom Sun 04-Nov-12 22:24:46

You need to change your name to Shitbook.

HecatePhosphorus Sun 04-Nov-12 22:26:03

See, talking about it has had an effect on me! Back in a mo...

CuriousMama Sun 04-Nov-12 22:27:02

Yes forgot to say cut down on sugar too. Says it on that article but it does cause digestive problems.

Fakebook Sun 04-Nov-12 22:27:50

Nah, that would be taking it a step too far. It's not an obsession...yet..

There are so many good suggestions on here. It ought to be made into a sticky so that every poo-infested poster can pop in for handy hints so they don't have to suffer the accusation of Poo Troll by asking for help.

Pickles77 Sun 04-Nov-12 22:28:59

Red Bull!!! & a fag!

perceptionreality Sun 04-Nov-12 22:30:35

I think you should go to the GP and get some laxatives or suppository to help you out. My 3 year old dd has this problem because she if afraid to poo and her poo is like the cement you speak of! I find that with her the only thing that will get it out is a suppository.

nothing useful to add
just watching on the hope OP has relief before I have to go to bed

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sun 04-Nov-12 22:31:42

SInk plunger?

GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt Sun 04-Nov-12 22:31:46

Take half a dozen bisocodyl in one go.

That works. <experienced>

Longdistance Sun 04-Nov-12 22:32:22

Go to gp, and get some Movicol. You'll feel better for it.

If that doesn't work, gloves and you know the rest..... <bauk>

Fakebook Sun 04-Nov-12 22:32:26

Yes, it could be like a live birth thread grin

GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt Sun 04-Nov-12 22:33:06

Those psyllium husks are great. About 60p for a massive box of it from an Indian grocer.

But christ it is horrible knocking that back.

DameEnidsOrange Sun 04-Nov-12 22:33:20

Get a small foot stool / up turned bucket to lift your feet up while you are on the loo - gets you into the squatting position.

I learned this from Dr hmm Gillian McKeith

GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt Sun 04-Nov-12 22:33:37

Dance like a Cossack.

Fresh coffee

Squat thrusts

NellyJob Sun 04-Nov-12 22:39:07

squatting is definitely the ting - those hole in the floor Turkish style loos are great!

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Sun 04-Nov-12 22:40:04

DameEnid, did you not read the first sentence in the OP? Where she mentions she's tried rasing her feet?

PieceOfTheMoon Sun 04-Nov-12 22:40:10

Couple of paracetomol, then half hour later a glycerin suppository. As PD said, nothing by mouth can help you now.

mrskeithrichards Sun 04-Nov-12 22:41:08

Coffee and a fag.

Stop eating random stuff to try and shit you're making it worse!

GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt Sun 04-Nov-12 22:44:52

Think is (tmi) if you have a rock hard poo right there, what can you do to get rid of it?

And then if you take laxatives and all the poo in your bowel then comes out diarrhoea stylee doesn't it all back up behind the hard stuck poo and cause issues?

ThePathanKhansWitch Sun 04-Nov-12 22:46:28

Run yourself a lovely bath.As soon as you're dried you'll need to go.

Adversecamber Sun 04-Nov-12 22:47:17

All bran is your friend it can even get me going

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 22:48:15

nothing by mouth can help you now sounds like the title of a dodgy porn film.

In the abscence of owning any bum explosives ( suppositories ) and not having an Indian grocer nearby, i'm going to try the newspaper squat method. Sadly I don't have one with a picture of David Cameron in so I can aim for his shiny forehead but can't have everything, will keep you posted.

expatinscotland Sun 04-Nov-12 22:48:23

Did you see that loon on Embarrassing Bodies who was giving herself coffee enemas daily?

NewNames Sun 04-Nov-12 22:48:54

Cigarettes.

PieceOfTheMoon Sun 04-Nov-12 22:48:58

(TMI) The suppository will sort of lubricate everything to make it easier.

CuriousMama Sun 04-Nov-12 22:48:59

Getorf thanks for the tip,there's an Asian grocer in my home town I'll see if they have some,bargain!

TheCrackFox Sun 04-Nov-12 22:49:13

6 pints of Guiness and you will be shitting treacle in the morning.

And then if you take laxatives and all the poo in your bowel then comes out diarrhoea stylee doesn't it all back up behind the hard stuck poo and cause issues?

Yes. I know this from bitter experience.

PieceOfTheMoon Sun 04-Nov-12 22:51:14

I'm going to stop now before I sound even more dodgy grin Good luck OP!

hiddenhome Sun 04-Nov-12 22:52:36

Olive oil would work. If you had a way of getting it up there. ? turkey baster perhaps. Obviously don't insert it too far or you might perforate yourself confused

NewNames Sun 04-Nov-12 22:52:59

Just read the OP to my DP. He looked horrified throughout. Safe to say the magic here is dead.

If you're interested in his advice though it's "Fucking hell call nhs direct or something. Fucking crazy people."

Tbh "fucking crazy people" is his stock answer to most things on MN

TeamEdward Sun 04-Nov-12 22:53:12

I shouldn't have read this thread. I need a shit now.

ManifestingMingeHooHoosAgain Sun 04-Nov-12 22:53:25

You can get glycerine supps off the shelf in supermarket or any chemist. Put it in, lie down for half an hour, then get up and stay by the loo.

Once the hard dried up bit has gone you will regret all the fibre as the dam will be unblocked and poonami will follow.

Diet wise, dried apricots, fresh OJ, kiwi fruit with skin on if you can bear it, will all keep things flowing.

Non medical- cider works.

Fakebook Sun 04-Nov-12 22:55:24

Yes it does back up and it will start leaking out around the hard poo. It's like fecal incontinence when that happens. It happened to my dad. You should never let your poo build up for more than 2-3 days if you normally go regularly. A handful of all bran every morning also keeps your bowels in check.

Sorry to say, I agree with Getorf you can't just keep eating random stuff in the hope it will get moving

you need to sort out the impaction first, and the only way now really is to don some gloves and get on with. Yes, its gross but the relief is immediate and amazing!

I bet right now, you're feeling a little sick, very bloated and possibly even have a headache? Get some gloves and by tomorrow morning you'll feel like a new woman

Goonatic Sun 04-Nov-12 22:58:39

Good luck, fingers crossed.....

GreenEyesAndHam Sun 04-Nov-12 22:58:44

A stiff drink and a warmed teaspoon.

Best of British.

You need a double poo tea.
From health food shop - various types out there - the ingredient you need to find in it is senna.

It works.

But if you can deal with disposing it and cleaning up properly do what you have to do. I once had to do a poo in a multi layered plastic bag - early morning emergency sleeping in a campervan in the centre of Athens. It was by far the best option at the time. grin

Hope you feel better soon

Senna somehow softens impacted poo allowing it to pass. No mechanics required.

Fakebook Sun 04-Nov-12 23:01:23

<holds up a toilet roll flag for OP>

Senna is not always the answer. I took two, I went to bed, I awoke in the morning desperate to poo (good sign), rushed to bathroom, had to actually give birth to the most massive, eye watering, sideways log ever - which took about thirty five minutes (I skim read an entire Danielle Steele) -which was then followed by another good half hour's worth of squits. Never again. Next time, it'll be a shampoo-ey finger up the bum, thank you very much.

Would bathing your bum in some kind of oil help?

Put it in a bowl of something?

cocolepew Sun 04-Nov-12 23:12:17

If you have vaseline put it up. Not the tub, obviously, that would be silly,but some on your finger.

If no joy definitely glycerine suppositorys.or grapefruit juice.

RightUpMyRue Sun 04-Nov-12 23:13:13

Squat over paper/bath/sit on loo, whatever, it's your choice.

Lube up your bumhole, use shower gel, vaseline or spit. Not up inside, just outside.

Stick finger/thumb, whichever is easier in that position, in your fanjo and coax the hard clay poo out that way. Bear down at the same time. The bit of skin/muscle separating your vaginal wall from your colon is very thin.

I would much rather stick my finger up my woowoo that up a shit filled colon.

It will help.

If I had to do it tonight I'd squat with a coffee and smoke. It's the best position. I enjoyed using (the clean) swat toilets during my travels.

Bring your knees up to your chest when sitting on the toilet and rock back and forward. Or just rock back and forward anyway. That usually helps me blush

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 23:20:26

Nothing sad

<< waddles off >>

corblimeymadam Sun 04-Nov-12 23:23:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nothing to add but wincing for you

ScrambledSmegs Sun 04-Nov-12 23:23:52

Bleddy?

Um. You need manual evacuation. Sorry, it's the only way to clear the blockage. Rue's method may be marginally more palatable, if you really baulk at the traditional route.

Once the initial impaction is gone you may find all the things you've eaten in an effort to get stuff moving come out in rapid succession too. Stay near a toilet. You will feel a lot better though.

Sorry, I was doing ok and feeling sympathetic until

A stiff drink and a warmed teaspoon.

Best of British.

Then I lost it grin

JoanBias Mon 05-Nov-12 00:18:41

I've been farting all evening.

I think the Brussel Sprouts are to blame rather than this thread though.

NatashaBee Mon 05-Nov-12 00:27:10

<marking spot>

I hope you get some relief soon OP! grin

SirBoobAlot Mon 05-Nov-12 00:33:01

I love MN. grin

OP, do some yoga. Especially curled up in a ball, laying on your back, rocking from side to side.

Raising feet up helps when you're actually going.

This is a fucking surreal thread.

Savonarola Mon 05-Nov-12 00:36:29

Not just cider, you need scrumpy the cloudy stuff in quantities that will make you relax. (Possibly followed by a kebab from the dodgiest place you know).

Might be enough to help get things moving dramatically enough to unplug the channel. Or at least leave you drunk enough to attempt manual extraction.

BoffinMum Mon 05-Nov-12 00:48:45

Hoover? With the crevice nozzle? gringrin

butterfingerz Mon 05-Nov-12 00:49:23

Jalapeño peppers, that always gives me the shits, I can eat all other types of chilli, I consume scotch bonnets on a weekly basis with no ill effects.

AmberLeaf Mon 05-Nov-12 00:50:45

Yes to coffee and a fag, but if that doesnt help, I second RightupmyRues suggestion.

Bogeyface Mon 05-Nov-12 00:55:23

When its that bad a well washed and well lubricated finger up your bum to pull it out is the only thing that works, trust me on this!

PropertyNightmare Mon 05-Nov-12 00:55:36

A bottle of red wine will loosen you up <<marks place>>

PropertyNightmare Mon 05-Nov-12 00:57:17

Bottle or red, then finger up bum?

butterfingerz Mon 05-Nov-12 00:58:30

On a serious note, magnesium citrate, think you can get it otc in most chemists. Magnesium is a good laxative.

coocoocawhooOOOOO Mon 05-Nov-12 01:02:52

Still no cigar OP?

BoffinMum Mon 05-Nov-12 01:09:14

Actually, I visited Shakespeare's daughter's house recently - her husband was a doctor and kept detailed notes about his cases. He had this exact same problem with one lady patient. The solution?

<drum roll>

Warm a pint of Hock (sweet German White wine) and use it as an enema.

Worked in 1600!

coocoocapooh Mon 05-Nov-12 01:10:04

Quick name change in honour of OP <holds up lighter and sways back and forth>

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 01:10:59

Wonder if tipping red wine up my arse will shift things << ponders >>

Nope, still no sign, i've walked miles today too, it's right at the edge, mocking me and refusing to move, seriously considering donning some washing up gloves and setting to work with a tub of vaseline and the shower ! But think i'll try plan B if no news by morning, a hot bath and have a prod from the other side as suggested up thread !

Campari Mon 05-Nov-12 02:24:51

An out of date vindaloo will certainly oil the wheels of your intestinal tract.

justbogoffnow Mon 05-Nov-12 02:41:50

can't sleep cos waiting for news....

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 05-Nov-12 02:51:50

Oh dear - I hope you get some relief soon!

<Wish I hadn't read the thread though, I need to get out of my warm bed now....>

ripsishere Mon 05-Nov-12 03:02:03

I second suppositories. I found the glycerin to be superior to dulcolax and much cheaper.
I got a bit dehydrated when we moved to Malaysia. Four days it took me to uncork my ring piece. Four days with a lump of carbonated shite.
I've been in theaters when a woman was brought in to have an evacuation under GA. Don't be that woman.

HecatePhosphorus Mon 05-Nov-12 06:53:33

I actually woke up this morning and thought "I wonder if she's pooed yet"

<sigh>

Fakebook Mon 05-Nov-12 06:55:04

Me too Hecate < sad life emoticon >

BoffinMum Mon 05-Nov-12 07:16:01

We should name the bugger for her, given that this is effectively a live birth thread ... for a poo!!

AmberLeaf Mon 05-Nov-12 07:43:33

My first thought when I woke....

Longdistance Mon 05-Nov-12 07:50:01

Gloves, and a manual removal I'm afraid. Just get the bloody log out!!!

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 05-Nov-12 08:01:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 05-Nov-12 08:02:06

Same here Hecate, what interesting lives we lead grin

Fakebook Mon 05-Nov-12 08:08:56

I'll suggest a name. Constance.

BitBewildered Mon 05-Nov-12 08:12:29

<waits with bated breath>

BoffinMum Mon 05-Nov-12 08:24:13

The tension is unbearable!
I suggest Crapella for a name.

fuzzpig Mon 05-Nov-12 08:33:58

Any news?

Epsom salts are supposed to help.

WandaDoff Mon 05-Nov-12 09:00:34

has she had it yet?

Brycie Mon 05-Nov-12 09:01:33

My best suggestion is to go to a library or a bookshop, but make sure a toilet is nearby.

I can't believe I keep checking back at this thread! blush

HecatePhosphorus Mon 05-Nov-12 09:06:32

I know! grin

I am looking forward to the birth announcement

Although I draw the line at pictures...

fluffyraggies Mon 05-Nov-12 09:07:47

Same here littlemiss blush

Hope OP has had success.

Brycie Mon 05-Nov-12 09:08:11

Isn't A Garlic clove pushed up supposed to do the trick.

Brycie Mon 05-Nov-12 09:09:10

You know what you're all secretly waiting for. The gold star to say "yes poster x your poo solution is the best" grin

Goonatic Mon 05-Nov-12 09:15:27

Any news OP!?

butterfingerz Mon 05-Nov-12 09:15:55

So you've got a turtle head? Well that's promising....

"GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt Sun 04-Nov-12 22:33:37
Dance like a Cossack. "

John or Joan?

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 05-Nov-12 09:25:26

I think it should be called Shelley.
Shelley>Shell>Turtle shell>Turtle>Turtle head.

brycie I think the OP has tried nearly all of the suggestions. It would be impossible to say what has worked.

MrsWilliamSherman Mon 05-Nov-12 09:34:00

I read this thread last night and have come back to checkup but no updates! sad

Brycie Mon 05-Nov-12 09:34:50

oH MY GOODNess she'll be pooing for weeks in that case

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 09:43:07

Isn't this sort of excitement usually reserved for POAS threads ?? hmm Loggy is still at large sadly, i'm now heading for the bathroom to run a bath with a large tub of vaseline and a hand ready to massage areas it really shouldn't be seeing, will keep you all posted.

Brycie Mon 05-Nov-12 09:44:14

Get daaaahn the library. You will be running home to the loo within five minutes.

MorrisZapp Mon 05-Nov-12 09:46:25

Glycerine suppository would have it out in two minutes.

Costs about 2.50 for box of twelve in superdrug.

It isn't going to come out unaided from the sounds of it.

mmmerangue Mon 05-Nov-12 09:48:21

Get as box or child's toilet step. sit on the toilet back straight feet on the box. Should help (yes it mimics the natural squatting position).

mignonette Mon 05-Nov-12 09:50:44

Find a photo of any of the men mentioned in the Jimmy Saville/newsnight threads to squat over and just do it......

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 09:54:18

Oh chuff it, i'm going to risk waddling up to the chemist at the top of the road, those glycerine things are worth a shot.

IloveJudgeJudy Mon 05-Nov-12 09:58:03

Have had trouble like you on a couple of occasions. The suppositories are definitely it. Take it and stay near the loo. I'm hoping it works likewise for you.

CuriousMama Mon 05-Nov-12 09:58:36

Good luck!

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 05-Nov-12 10:04:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp Mon 05-Nov-12 10:07:03

On the packet, it says the suppositories take an hour to work. No they don't. If you've got one ready for take-off you probably won't make it out of the bathroom before it presents itself.

Take your phone in with you! Or a decent mag not this month's Red which I only bought for the 20% off at Paperchase and White Company, and is otherwise total garbaggio

fuzzpig Mon 05-Nov-12 10:09:48

She'll probably get halfway down the road and have to rush back grin

mignonette Mon 05-Nov-12 10:16:21

Anything to avoid the dreaded Picolax!

ilovesprouts Mon 05-Nov-12 10:18:02

have u tryed sweetcorn ....

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 05-Nov-12 10:19:05

What's worked for me is just reading this thread!

OTheHugeManatee Mon 05-Nov-12 10:28:45

Marking my place <shamefaced>

iMum Mon 05-Nov-12 10:29:52

Piece of soap up the bum

JuliaScurr Mon 05-Nov-12 10:40:58

little enemas are available at chemist - v effective, no probs as with suppository
intrigued by soap/shower gel up bum - might try that next time smile

MorrisZapp Mon 05-Nov-12 10:48:39

Me too Julia, I've never heard the soap thing. Ideal 'trapped in hotel' tip.

coocoocapooh Mon 05-Nov-12 10:53:38

I think OP has already named it Loggy, I suspect that's portentous and as it is her pooh, it's likely to stick. <snigger>

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Mon 05-Nov-12 10:55:29

I can't believe I came back to see if she's dropped it yet...

hf128219 Mon 05-Nov-12 11:07:42

Just a sliver of soap, not a family sized bar.

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 11:12:34

Um, it won't stay in. Should I try superglue ?? Or criss cross with sellotape ?? My shit caked hole is obviously such a hell hole even something designed for the job doesn't want to be in there sad << clenches>>

hf128219 Mon 05-Nov-12 11:16:16

Garden cane cut it half, impale soap on it and slightly toast it over the grill until softened.

Then just sit on it for about 10 minutes.

AmberLeaf Mon 05-Nov-12 11:16:25

Sit on the loo, thumb into fanjo and push down and forward.

SpectralMissSpooky Mon 05-Nov-12 11:18:21

This thread is having a laxative effect! blush

mrskeithrichards Mon 05-Nov-12 11:18:47

Clench!!

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 05-Nov-12 11:27:23

Has OP grown a tail yet?

GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt Mon 05-Nov-12 11:28:07

I didn't like those glycerin suppositories.

They worked IMMEDIATELY but only for a little bit. Didn't shift it all.

Dear god. This is what happens when you low carb with terrible Chalfonts.

Brycie Mon 05-Nov-12 11:28:24

library library library

it's well known

Ram it, ram it. Show the bugger who's boss. And clench

<bites knuckle>

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 11:29:25

I am bloody clenching !

Oh jesus christ, I can't go to the doctors with a shit stuck in my arse. amber i've tried pushing from the inside, still stubbornly sat there.

3littlefrogs Mon 05-Nov-12 11:29:59

2 suppositories. Lie on bed with hips raised on a pillow. Hot water bottle on tummy. Try and hold suppositories in for 15 minutes.
HTH

I know it wrong but this thread has made my day!

Thanks HELP thinking liquid thoughts for you

Oh jesus christ, I can't go to the doctors with a shit stuck in my arse

They'll have seen worse things stuck in people's arses

BitBewildered Mon 05-Nov-12 11:33:33

grin Ivor! Your last two posts have slayed me ... tears and everything!

Ivor's correct they've seen worse. Upstair neighbours an a+e nurse. The story's she tells...

GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt Mon 05-Nov-12 11:36:32

I am INTRIGUED by rip's 'I have been in theatres where a woman was brought in to have a shit evacuated. Don't be that woman'

HOW BAD must it get to (a) pluck up the courage to go to the dr with a stuck shite and (b) it's so bad you end up having to go under general anesthetic to have it scooped out.

piprabbit Mon 05-Nov-12 11:36:38

Considering what HELP has been eating and drinking for the last couple of days - when that thing blows it is really going to blow <dons hard hat and industrial decontamination suit>,

GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt Mon 05-Nov-12 11:37:50

And how do they get rid of it in theatre?

Do they hoover it out with a great big attachment?

Or melt it with some warm water?

Rip come back and tell us!

Fuck me I sound like the poo troll now. grin

Bogeyface Mon 05-Nov-12 11:41:35

Ivor is absolutely correct, poo is supposed to be in your bum, a beer bottle, a lightbulb, a satsuma, a carrot.....none of those are supposed to be and all (amongst a long list of other things) have been removed from peoples bottoms before now!

Think of it this way, somewhere in the world is a man who is currently telling the doctors that he got out of the shower and slipped as he was walking down the stairs. That he landed on the fruit bowl and that is why he has a banana up his arse.

A bit of poo is very dull in comparison!

LittleBairn Mon 05-Nov-12 11:41:42

I was wondering the same thing about the theater shit how does it get to that stage!

OP hope Loggy pops out soon for you.

LightTheGooTouchpaper Mon 05-Nov-12 11:42:23

By this point I would have lost all squeamishness regarding the shower gel. Think about it, it's going to be your finger or someone elses.

piprabbit Mon 05-Nov-12 11:45:19

Would you want this up your arse? (not rude - just very scary).

mrskeithrichards Mon 05-Nov-12 11:46:44

People can vomit poo

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 05-Nov-12 11:46:52

This is really nerve-racking! F5 F5 F5!

AmberLeaf Mon 05-Nov-12 11:48:05

Hot drink? 20 mins on an exercise bike if you have one at home, if not run up the stairs a few times?

Do you smoke? even when ive not smoked the whiff of a lit fag would get things churning.

GreenEyesAndHam Mon 05-Nov-12 11:49:34

In now planning on going to Superdrug at lunchtime to buy some glycerine suppositories.

I'm not even constipated. Just intrigued.

OP did you try the teaspoon?

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 05-Nov-12 11:52:27

OP, do not despair. Ihad the same problem as you a few weeks back (see my thread entitled "I think I have broken my bumhole)

I went and got some stool softeners and had a warm bath. The beast turd DID come out, it DID hurt I won't lie. It felt like shitting a telegraph pole studded with broken up glass and my bum did bleed a bit but by God, the relief! And because I had been taking the Dulcoease, any subsequent turds ssimply slid out, almost as though my bumhole was Teflon coated.

JuliaScurr Mon 05-Nov-12 11:53:12

Little grin
how did theatre poo get to that stage Arf! <slaps thigh>

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 11:53:30

Oooohhhh, I can feel something has shifted, there be a pleasent, warm sensation, feels less 'claggy'........i'm going in armed with a book and may be some time.

Oooohhh enjoy your poo!

CaurnieBred Mon 05-Nov-12 11:54:52

My mum used to use the sliver of soap on me when I was little if I was having problems: oh, the memories!

fluffyraggies Mon 05-Nov-12 11:55:02

When i was a kid our neighbour vomited poo. My mum told me about it and i had nightmares for a few days!

Latex gloves are available at the chemist too, OP, so no need to be squeemish about fingers up yer bum if it comes to that smile

LittleBairn Mon 05-Nov-12 11:55:20

Oh good I was worried it might need a forceps delivery.

fluffyraggies Mon 05-Nov-12 11:55:58

Oooooh OP, i hope this is it! smile

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 05-Nov-12 11:56:17

OP, remember this! Do not try and "suck the poo back into your bum" once the excavation has commenced. It will be more terrible for that way. Once the monster turd has started to crown, just allow gravity to assist and it WILL come out. Take an Argos book to bite on (or Boden catalogue, depending on what class you are) and bear down!

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 05-Nov-12 11:57:05

Can we stop talking about vomiting poo please it's putting me off my beef olives.

LittleBairn Mon 05-Nov-12 11:57:20

grin Julia I just read read my post back that was totally unintentional!

JuliaScurr Mon 05-Nov-12 11:59:12

Amber
yes! good tip!
<pleased to discover fellow thumb bandit>

Bogeyface Mon 05-Nov-12 12:01:05

I am very worried now about my own state of mind.

I want to see loggy!

JuliaScurr Mon 05-Nov-12 12:01:43

bupcakes
'started to crown'
literally pmsl

fluffyraggies Mon 05-Nov-12 12:02:14

I just can't believe i'm sat here waiting for somebody else's shite! confused

GiserableMitt Mon 05-Nov-12 12:05:23

piprabbit that's a corkscrew for turds shock

piprabbit Mon 05-Nov-12 12:08:19

I thought it looked familiar grin.

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 05-Nov-12 12:08:50

Me neither fluffy grin

AmberLeaf Mon 05-Nov-12 12:09:21

Julia grin

<ummm highfives fellow thumb bandit>

Bupcakes you made me LOL!

fluffyraggies Mon 05-Nov-12 12:12:34

cork screw for turds .....
cork screw for turds ........ ?

<repeats the words slowly>

I have learned something today.

OTheHugeManatee Mon 05-Nov-12 12:13:34

When i was a kid our neighbour vomited poo.

shock

<faints>

grin <mops up Bewildered>

This: 'See my thread entitled, 'I think I have broken by bum hole'' is one of the best things I've ever read on the internet. Not the thread itself (though I remember it fondly), just the charming way you've referred to it Bups. S'beautiful, like an academic reference.

Hope you're squeezing Op. Remember to keep taking nice deep breaths.

CotedePablo Mon 05-Nov-12 12:16:28

Is anybody else wondering who the OP is? Obviously a name-changer (and can understand why), but would love to know who she usually is on here.

OP Good luck! Fingers are crossed that This Is It!

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 05-Nov-12 12:16:43

How the fuck do you vomit poo??? Unless if course you ate it.

fuzzpig Mon 05-Nov-12 12:17:15

Arf at the boden-catalogue-biting.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Mon 05-Nov-12 12:17:26

I was really enjoying this thread until the poo vomit story shock

I want to google this to see if it is possible but am too scared.

fuzzpig Mon 05-Nov-12 12:18:18

Cunny - it's called faecal vomiting, apparently it happens if you are SO constipated it comes up the other way.

<hands cunny the brain bleach>

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 05-Nov-12 12:19:34

I hope to have my thread entered into the Medical Almanac next year, Ivor wink

I think it's LeQueen. Only LeQueen says "bleddy"

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 05-Nov-12 12:19:52

I can't find the broken bumhole thread sad

MsVestibule Mon 05-Nov-12 12:20:33

Hopeful under NO circumstances should you ever google "vomit poo". I can guarantee you will be scarred for life.

fluffyraggies Mon 05-Nov-12 12:21:48

Sorry people. The poor neighbour was quite elderly and had a twist in her disgestive tract if i remember rightly.

Thus the er ..... poo vomiting.

Happened 2 or 3 times apparently. Poor woman.

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 05-Nov-12 12:22:14

I've found it but I'm buggered if I can link to it. Stupid mouse

Go up to search and enter the title Cunny, 'bumhole' is all one word (this will be so much simpler when it's in the Almanac Bups)

SomethingOnce Mon 05-Nov-12 12:22:33

Double espresso and a roll-up.

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 05-Nov-12 12:22:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oh good, I shared my dulcalex poo story on that one too

I am a giver

I flat out refuse to belive in poo vomit,you are all liars.
Ignorence is bliss

<will not google poo vomit>

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Mon 05-Nov-12 12:24:29

Thanks for the advice Msvestibule I am one of those people who will always look no matter how repulsive something sounds (I just have to know).

I absolutely do not want to know any more about vomiting poo.

was thinking her too, but maybe someone should direct her here
there arent that many italics

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 05-Nov-12 12:28:10

I remember Jamie Oliver ranting on about faecal vomming on that school dinners r shit programme what he did. He said some kids were so constipated from eating raw icing sugar for dinner every night that their bums were bunged up and the poo got vommed out.

<fucking boak>

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 12:29:12

I have been, oh dear sweet lord my unwanted guest has been evicted, damn thing as the length and width of my forearm I swear, think there's more to come.

Jesus wept, i've never known relief like it, nothing can annoy me today, i'm in a blissful, shit free haze.

Bogeyface Mon 05-Nov-12 12:29:16

"Don't people lose control of their bodily functions if they're unconscious? Have you tried running into a wall headfirst with no trousers on?"

From the broken bumhole thread! giggling like a loon now grin

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 05-Nov-12 12:29:43

Thanks fuzz, I think confused

<bleaches brain>

<bleaches brain some more>

Bogeyface Mon 05-Nov-12 12:30:24

Dont go too far from the loo now Help, all that laxative stuff you have been taking will be making its presence felt very soon!

Ivor I've to reference an assignment for college using the Harvard system. As soon as I've found out how to use it I'll reference something in a post, just for you!

Help is it a brown trout or a Barry White?

*my unwanted guest has been evicted" I am grin grin grin in work and can't tell anyone why...

fluffyraggies Mon 05-Nov-12 12:33:50

Awww, i'm so pleased for you HELP grin Well done!

AmberLeaf Mon 05-Nov-12 12:33:57

i'm in a blissful, shit free haze

Yaaaay!

JuliaScurr Mon 05-Nov-12 12:34:41

sharing your joy, op
grin

ISmellCheese Mon 05-Nov-12 12:35:43

Congratulations!

CotedePablo Mon 05-Nov-12 12:36:38

Well done!

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 05-Nov-12 12:36:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 05-Nov-12 12:37:53

Congratulations!! What was the weight? Or do we have to guess? I guess 7lbs 12oz.

IShallCallYouSquishy Mon 05-Nov-12 12:41:31

I've been lurking watching this thread (do I really want to admit that?!) and I've nearly wet myself laughing. I'm trying to feed baby and she keeps pulling off and smiling at me as I'm shaking with laughter!

Well done OP grin

LittleBairn Mon 05-Nov-12 12:51:31

PMSL at that quote from First.

So glad Loggy has moved out. Enjoy your blissful poo free day.

Bogeyface Mon 05-Nov-12 12:52:12

Good Q Cunny! I am going for 6lb 2oz.

And are we sticking with Loggy for a name?

BreeVanDerTramp Mon 05-Nov-12 12:52:15

Just read full thread and so pleased you had a normal delivery grin

I hadn't been for a few days and was vairy bloated but lucky for me the overwhelming urge came while waiting on the AA this morning after breaking down hmm

fuzzpig Mon 05-Nov-12 12:56:48

Congrats OP!

Have now read the broken bum hole thread and am even more resolute to avoid codeine-based medication forever.

duende Mon 05-Nov-12 12:59:25

Congratulations Help grin
By the way, I bloody love mumsnet. I'm at work but had to log on to see if help has now been and now I'm pissing myself with laughter.

justbogoffnow Mon 05-Nov-12 13:00:03

Hurrah! Now once you've got rid if the looser stuff that's sure to follow, keep yourself 'regular' in future! How did you get into that state anyway, do you get constipated often?

Ahhhhhhh congratulations Op! Any sudocreme? Splodge a little bit on your bumhole.

OnTheBottom I used to use the Harvard system at uni... But I don't remember what you're supposed to do <helpful>

Fakebook Mon 05-Nov-12 13:02:40

Congratulations OP! Hope you enjoy the newborn snuggles wink

BitBewildered Mon 05-Nov-12 13:07:20

Congratulations Help!

Off to read the broken bumhole thread now.

kiwigirl42 Mon 05-Nov-12 13:08:45

glad its out! I had a shit the size of a cricket ball that felt like it had been studded with broken glass once, after a few weeks of painkillers for my back. I fainted with the pain, fell off the toilet and knocked myself out on the bath. At least I'd been once I came round!

Ooooh, congratulations, HELP grin

And if the competition is still open: do I win with 8lbs2oz?

There is bound to be more to follow <<evil cackle>>

What did the trick in the end?? I bet it was something you shoved up your jacksie...

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 05-Nov-12 13:10:06

Well done, Help thanks

Your bum is probably stinging now isn't it? sad

<<hums Ring of Fire>> <<again>>

I need to get out more...

Onemoreforgoodmeasure Mon 05-Nov-12 13:12:45

My understanding is that the reason a cigarette works is that it makes your heart work harder pumping blood around, so excercise would seem to be the healthy alternative, something strenuous for 5 minutes. And I'd cut back on the eating until it's sorted! I know that's easier said than done. I get this whenever I travel so I now carry psyllium husks with me whenever I travel. Take them with a drink you like the flavour of as they have a bland taste.

Oh dear. <giggles inappropriately>

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 05-Nov-12 13:19:19

My mother always has a fag if she has a shit that's stubborn!

Consils Mon 05-Nov-12 13:19:36

Why did no one suggest colonic irrigation?

CuriousMama Mon 05-Nov-12 13:23:06

yay!! I just saw those suppositories in Morrisons and thought of you OP. They're near gaviscon and suchlike if anyone's interested? wink

BitBewildered Mon 05-Nov-12 13:24:18

Consil enemas were suggested.

BoffinMum Mon 05-Nov-12 13:39:05

Congratulations! When I had the opposite problem a few weeks ago, the late night insomnia crowd suggested Savlon for ring sting, and that worked very well.

Weigh yourself - you've probably lost a stone after that adventure. wink

mrskeithrichards Mon 05-Nov-12 14:16:39

Yay!!

Now I need to go find me a life.

My god. The site went down just before I got to the, ahem, birth. I was panicked! Mad clicking ensued!

And then I returned to the best possible news. Congratulations Help on the birth of little loggy. I'll get crocheting a little monogrammed blanket smile

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Mon 05-Nov-12 14:43:49

I have been finding this hideously fascinating purely because I don't ever get constipated. Well, a tiny bit after DS was born, but lactulose soon sorted it.
Anyway, well done OP and at least if it happens again you'll know what to do.

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 05-Nov-12 14:46:45

Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm at a loss as to what the frigging hell to do with my time now?? No more Shit Watch sad

I suppose I can walk the dog in a bit, he might produce something of interest.

How are you getting on op? Do you think in time you'll give him or her a little brother or sister?

OHforDUCKScake Mon 05-Nov-12 14:54:08

"Double espresso and a roll up."

DP is that you? shock

mignonette Mon 05-Nov-12 15:06:23

My DH was a senior nurse manager for a Dementia unit and has sadly had patients admitted for respite who needed manual extraction under GA after Piccolax has not worked. They used to do it on the ward years ago before realising the effects of vagal feedback i.e they sometimes died.....sad....

mignonette Mon 05-Nov-12 15:08:08

Faecal Vomiting can occur if you have intestinal obstruction caused by, say, a tumour or intusseption,. It's very very distressing and i am glad my Ddad was spared it- he had Gastric cancer.

cheeseandpineapple Mon 05-Nov-12 15:10:26

Bupcakes, you've made my mascara streak.

Hilarious thread and former thread, literally been crying with laughter.

OP, thanks for sharing and happy for you that the deed has now been done.

Am about to google faecal vomiting.

I know I'm completely sick so to speak. But surely that's complete "bullshit" -am about to find out...

cheeseandpineapple Mon 05-Nov-12 15:11:29

Sorry mignonette -crossed post, sounds horrendous.

It's not bullshit I'm afraid cheese. It's horrid horrid horrid. And the smell is UNREAL. I always feel very very sorry for patients I see it happen to.

And even sorrier for the Domestics who have to clear it up.

redredruby Mon 05-Nov-12 15:20:14

I am currently in hospital due to back injury being given lots of codine for pain and am becoming quite nervous!

mignonette Mon 05-Nov-12 15:29:33

That's okay Cheese - There is a fascination regarding these horrid things our bodies can do.

redruby Please do not avoid pain relief because of this thread. Keep your fluids up, doubt you'll be wanting that much solid food anyway and withdraw meds slowly. Ask the nursing staff to draw up a plan to manage any digestive blips-they will not include vomiting poop (smile)........

TigerFeet Mon 05-Nov-12 15:30:26

That thing where you're sat at your desk contorting into odd positions and going puce because you're trying not to laugh so hard that you spray spit and snot everywhere?

Well that.

Well done OP, and congratulations. Could it be twins though? thanks

mignonette Mon 05-Nov-12 15:33:14

Tigerfeet

Not twins, but maybe a retained 'placenta' grin

WhatEverItIsIDidntDoIt Mon 05-Nov-12 15:38:43

You should smoke a cigarette that will get you going, I've nearly had many an accident during my morning smoke
grin

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 15:58:05

Well there have been aftershocks after the original (poonami) I had to shuffle off in Morrisons cafe earlier where i'd risked having a coffee with a friend, my arse now feels and no doubt looks like rusty old barbed wire but even that can't cloud my shit free haze.

I'd almost dclare it as a lifechanging moment, from this day forth I shall treat my arse tract with respect and care. wink

fuzzpig Mon 05-Nov-12 16:02:56

Bizarrely the first time I heard of faecal vomit was in a documentary about the dangers of crash dieting!

mrskeithrichards Mon 05-Nov-12 16:08:06

Oh whatever yes! Many a merry dance has been done during my morning smoke in the garden!

CaroleService Mon 05-Nov-12 16:08:20

Ahem, OP: what do you think did the trick in the end? There are people here wanting to do a lap of honour, or be godmother.

TigerFeet Mon 05-Nov-12 16:16:09

grin mignonette

Glad to hear that a crash section wasn't required.

I'm glad you're enjoying your poomoon HELP

OP I'm so relieved happy for you - sat here at desk laughing & smiling (they think I'm mad).

Get some of that Senna tea in - then if you don't go during the day, take a cup at night. Don't let it get too desperate again.

Is anyone else strangely proud of the op and her great poochievement?

Well done OP. Well done.

WelshMaenad Mon 05-Nov-12 17:07:21

Well, what the fuck am I going to do on tonight's night shift??? Bloody bloody hell.

Poo vomit is true, it happened to my friend's MIL. It was slightly more shit that normally spews out of her mouth, at any rate.

Goonatic Mon 05-Nov-12 17:12:32

Oh phewie...... Thank fuck for that. First thing I did when home from work, kids can wait for their tea!!!!

<breathes out again>

butterfingerz Mon 05-Nov-12 17:19:38

OP, you'll probably go the other way now, murphys law innit. Oh well you always know where to come if you need shit advice!

HecatePhosphorus Mon 05-Nov-12 18:53:27

Well done. I have had everything crossed for you all day, Help. grin

ThePathanKhansWitch Mon 05-Nov-12 20:42:17

Congratulations!So happy for you.thanks

BoffinMum Mon 05-Nov-12 21:30:18

This should go into MN Classics, I think. It's been quite a shared experience. grin

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 21:55:05

Ooooooooohhhhhhhh, my poo's a classic ??

My poor bumhole is shredded tho, it's never recieved such attention before.

OP are you willing to out yourself? We all think you're a legend!
(I'll understand if not grin)

KatyPeril Mon 05-Nov-12 22:01:57

Congratulations on your arrival!

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 22:09:37

I will give a clue.....' my love of cheese may have bunged me up'.

And that's all you're getting !

dutch cheese?
Or are you mouse related?

NellyJob Mon 05-Nov-12 23:24:45

wallace and gromit?

ripsishere Tue 06-Nov-12 00:20:53

Edam?
Faecal vomiting was the cause of the extraction in theatre. It was for the reason given above. People do die because of it.

BoffinMum Tue 06-Nov-12 07:35:27

How are things today, OP?

musicalendorphins Tue 06-Nov-12 08:40:10

ApocalypseCheeseToastie must love cheese. The only cheese name I remember.

Arthurfowlersallotment Tue 06-Nov-12 08:42:03

Congratulations OP thanks

&#128169;

BoffinMum Tue 06-Nov-12 15:26:06

It was the warm Hock enema what did it, wasn't it? Be honest now.wink

NicholasTeakozy Tue 06-Nov-12 17:04:45

A stiff drink and a warmed teaspoon.

Best of British

And:-

"The worst constipation I ever had was a week after giving birth to my DD.

I was stuck on the loo biting my knuckles like a hen trying to lay an ostrich egg. I swear no word of a lie, it took more effort,more pushing and panting squeezing that poo out than it did giving birth to the baby. When the deed was done I nearly wrapped it in a blanket and posed for a snapshot."

Oh my. I cannot rememeber the last time I laughed so much I cried. Thank you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now