PIL going OTT on decorating own room for GC'S

(148 Posts)
Chellors123 Sun 04-Nov-12 08:21:04

I have two DC (6 and 1) we live in same town as MIL and they see GC'S once a week either we go to them, they come to us, we all go out.. DS has a sleepover every couple of months and DD not yet though keep asking.

They are their first GC'S, have always been full on with them and would spend every day with them if they could, they buy them a new present every week ( which DP has said to stop but have ignored "it's only something small!") I get on ok with them, have never had crossed words but things have cooled since DC as I just find them so overbearing.

So to my subject..

PIL have just downsized and have just newly decorated one of the rooms for the GC'S to include, new kids bed, kids curtains, lampshade, height chart, framed children's art, train set, baby toys displayed in keeping with theme (they each have a stack of everyday toys in another room that they normally play with)have bought identical comforters and nightlights that they have at home and new set of chest of drawers which when my son opened the other week was filled with brand new clothes for each GC'S tops, trousers, sock, pants etc.

I know they are probably only trying to make them feel comfortablebthere but Is it just me to finds this a bit OTT and to be honest a bit weird like they are trying to re-live parenting? Especially as they only stay over very occasionally. I would never say anything as not my house but find it quite uncomfortable when I go there - even pictures on the walls/mantelpiece are just of GC'S - all other family members have been bumped off to a room that's hardly used!

TidyDancer Sun 04-Nov-12 08:26:40

They love their grandchildren. They love them so much they want them to be totally at home when they do stay.

That's my perspective.

Shakirasma Sun 04-Nov-12 08:27:22

I think it's lovely. My DDs have got their own rooms at my parents house and they have been done out for them.

It's nothing to do with re-living parenting, simply making their grandchildren as welcome as possible.

It their money, their choice. And if their GC is/are the only people to use the spare room then why not decorate and furnish it for them?

Fakebook Sun 04-Nov-12 08:28:17

I'd be delighted that someone was taking that much interest in my children. I'd happily let both my children stay over, if it gave me time to spend alone with dh. i don't think it's strange. They just sound like excited loving grandparents.

ILiveInAPineapple Sun 04-Nov-12 08:29:31

This sounds like my parents. It's just that they are excited, and tbh my ds loves it that they have made him his own room complete with murals on the wall that the whole family helped paint.
I don't see it as them trying to relive parenting though as I make the decisions and when my ds has a sleepover, it is a treat for him.
GP are there to spoil their GC, there isn't a harm in it, as long as they are respecting the parenting decisions that you make and not undermining you - for example, I still stick with the rule that I only cook one dinner and if my ds doesn't eat it, that's his tough luck, and I would be cross if my parents undermined this when he stayed with them.

procrastinor Sun 04-Nov-12 08:30:58

Ah I think it's sweet. They are trying really hard but it shows how much they adore their gc. So long as they aren't trying to butt in all the time about how you raise the DC I would appreciate the gesture.

Sirzy Sun 04-Nov-12 08:32:41

What lovely grandparents and how nice for you to have the option of overnight childcare when needed in a lovely comfy environment.

Fairylea Sun 04-Nov-12 08:35:08

That's lovely. Let them enjoy it.

Doodlekitty Sun 04-Nov-12 08:35:13

I completely see where you are coming from. I'm about to give birth do pils first GS (please god soon!) and mil has insisted on decorating a 'nursery' at her house. Complete with cot, child furniture, mobile, feeding chair and a load of clothes in 0-3 months and 3-6 months. Now, there is no way she will be having him overnight in that time, although I'm open to it in future. It's the clothes that make it weird for me. He has plenty clothes (yes, already!) and I will carry spares, as I expect you send clothing when your child stays overnight. I keep trying to tell myself it's sweet and they are just excited and it will be lovely for him but there is a bit of me that feels like, I dunno, they are trying to 'win' by having a better room than he has at home. DH understands what I'm feeling but I can hardly tell them what to do with their own house. But I feel your pain

INeedThatForkOff Sun 04-Nov-12 08:35:52

Sounds nice to me (though I can see why you would think it a bit OTT given that so much stuff they'll grow out if is unnecessary). Do you see it as pressure to let DD sleep over / both DCs to stay more often?

It could be an absolute Godsend if you find yourself needing to rely on your PiLs more for childcare at any point - your DCs should be very happy to go there.

mutny Sun 04-Nov-12 08:37:34

I think its great. My parents did the same for dd. She was the only grandchild and she picked how ot was decorated. It has just been redone as I now have a son and dd wanted to share it with her brother.

exoticfruits Sun 04-Nov-12 08:37:48

It seems a bit odd to me-as if they don't have a life. However grandparents are supposed to spoil them so I would just ignore and let them get on with it.

maddening Sun 04-Nov-12 08:40:32

My mum's put aside a room for gc - not decorated yet but it will be and it's lovely. DN stays over a lot and he sees it as his room. Ds has not stayed over but will when he's old enough - even if I'm there he''ll still have his own room. We do sometimes stay over even though we only live 20 mins away.

julieann42 Sun 04-Nov-12 08:40:36

I can understand the toys and the room but not they the clothes in the drawers! That would freak me out a bit! Can't quite understand why they would buy clothes! Children grow out of clothes so quickly and it's not like they are staying there on a weekly basis!

atacareercrossroads Sun 04-Nov-12 08:40:42

Why on earth would you not be chuffed as nuts that your dc will have a lovely room at theirgps?

THAT'S weird

diddl Sun 04-Nov-12 08:41:36

It sounds on the OTT side to me.

Although also making it easy for everyone when the GC stay over-which of course they don´t have to.

It´s not as if they are now demanding that the GCs move in!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 04-Nov-12 08:42:08

Your children are SO fortunate to have grandparents that adore them. You really and truluy should be grateful.

RTchoke Sun 04-Nov-12 08:42:25

How absolutely lovely for your children to have GPs who love them so and want them to feel comfortable in their home. How lovely for you to have such a constant offer of help. They say it takes a village to raise a child and the nuclear family has destroyed the old extended family support systems but not for you. You seriously are lucky.

Both my parents are dead, my PiLs love my kids but they already had 3 other grand children when mine were born and they werent that interested. They never offer to babysit etc and wouldn't take the kids overnight. I'd love that sort of support and I would love my children to feel at home in more than one house, I'd see it as such a gift to them.

maddening Sun 04-Nov-12 08:43:19

Doodle - it'll be nice if you stay over and you have a comfortable place for dc smile

Congratulations and good luck smile

dollywashers Sun 04-Nov-12 08:45:37

I think it's lovely. I'm a single parent and my kids only have one set of grandparents. My dads house is a pig sty and there's no way they could stay there. I don't even take them there because it stinks of cigarette smoke and is filthy. I have to practically beg my Mum to have either of then for a sleepover and she's never had them both sleepover.

I would be counting my lucky stars if i was you!

Goldenjubilee10 Sun 04-Nov-12 08:49:17

Mmmmm, I think it is a bit odd. Not so much the room decoration but the comforters and the clothes. Almost as if they will become "their children" when they get them. (Disclaimer ds1(17) stayed overnight with his granny for 2 nights when he was 11. The others have never stayed over without me.) Do they have other hobbies and interests.

Chellors123 Sun 04-Nov-12 08:55:38

Thanks, yes you are right it is lovely as they enjoy going to see them and I should just let them indulge themselves and the DC's as its their house/ their money . Every week MIL has been out shopping for something new for the room -It was just the clothes I think that freaked me out as I just wasn't expecting to see the draws overflowing with clothes when DS opened it. The last sleepover I packed DS's clothes and when I went to pick him up he was in a full set of clothes (including pants) that I had never seen before.

I just think its nice to have a few bits and bobs to personalise a rooms or them but clothes and comfort blankets is OTT and yes if i am honest it does make me feel they are doing it so they will stay over more often - but we only live 5 mins drive away so don't see why they should stay over more than what they do.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii Sun 04-Nov-12 08:57:08

It would creep me out, to be completely honest.

But I get a bit twitchy about grandparents wanting custody style access.

I'm not sure what you can do about it though.

Ilovecake1 Sun 04-Nov-12 08:57:34

Awwwww you are very lucky...wished all GPs were like this. Just be grateful.

exoticfruits Sun 04-Nov-12 08:57:42

She can only do it when they are little- they will soon want to choose their own clothes so I really wouldn't worry.

HalleLouja Sun 04-Nov-12 08:58:00

My DS loves staying at his GPs house. He thinks its the bees knees. I love having him at home but think its nice that they have their own relationship too. We don't have a set routine but he stays approximately once every six weeks-ish.

When DD is old enough she will stay too. Well she is old enough but a bit too young for my mum to have now there are two of them to look after.

Sirzy Sun 04-Nov-12 08:58:53

Think of it another way. If something happens meaning you have to rush off to hospital for whatever reason you can drop them off without having to worry about packing overnight bags and stuff

atacareercrossroads Sun 04-Nov-12 09:04:04

They have comfort blankets for the kids? The absolute bastards

U

janji Sun 04-Nov-12 09:05:07

Both sets of our dcs GPS rarely spend any time with them despite both sets living less than ten minutes drive away. I would love it if either set did this for my dc!!

ladymariner Sun 04-Nov-12 09:05:52

I too think its a lovely idea. At least you don't have to pack loads of stuff when you go. My mum had a bedroom that was for my ds and my niece, it wasn't decorated out like this one sounds but it had toys and things in it, and she always kept spare clothes there, seemed sensible to me as both kids were muck-magnets, and ds in particular couldn't ignore a puddle!

picklesrule Sun 04-Nov-12 09:09:16

How would you feel if it was your mum not your mil who was doing all this? If that would creep you out too then fair enough but if it's something you would actually find quite lovely coming from your mum then you probably need to cut your mil some slack..

I often find things my mil does with the dc really annoying but when I stop and think about it realise that actually my mum does similar and it doesn't annoy me half as much..
Having the dc seemed to set my sensitivity meter really high when it came to in-laws, no idea why as they are generally lovely but I often find I have to remind myself to chill out and not be so sensitive/negative about things!

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 09:13:56

It's lovely, really appreciate that they love your kids very much. It's sad to read threads on here on grandparents who would not careless about their grandchild.

ZenNudist Sun 04-Nov-12 09:14:42

I know lots of people at saying its sweet but I understand your disquiet.
This is their only spare room - would be more sensible to have it as something that could get more use. Creates an obligation on you that dc will stay over.
They live in same town so rare that sleep over will be required.
They've gone to town - does smack of reliving parenting.
FWIW my MIL has a room for ds and their house is totally kitted out with more toys than mothercare! But they live far away so it makes overnight stays easier.

I'd be asking if the clothes could come home where they'd get some use!!

bamboostalks Sun 04-Nov-12 09:15:04

The clothes are a bit intense, I can see how it would get on your nerves slightly, just use it to your advantage. Try to rise above it...at least you'll never need £40 for a sitter.

Tryharder Sun 04-Nov-12 09:15:34

How lucky your DCs are to have such loving, caring, involved grandparents. I have no idea why you are even questioning this.

WinkyWinkola Sun 04-Nov-12 09:17:11

It sounds massively ott to me. It's symptomatic of something else IMO. I would be uncomfortable.

It sounds like the gps are trying to be parents again. And this usually happens when gps don't have interests or a life of their own.

Do they, op? Are they active and involved in their own hobbies/friends/activities? Or are they just focussed on gcs?

I'd be interested to hear in a year's time if they actually do respect the op's parenting preferences since they are already ignoring the request to stop the weekly gift.

I only ask because my pil are exactly like this. When their older gcs started to want to be more with their friends, had other commitments, my pil actually got very angry and then depressed because they had not developed any other areas of their lives beyond their intense focus on their gcs.

Why does love for gcs have to be so ott? My parents love their gcs but don't feel the need to do all this ott stuff. They are very welcoming and hospitable to them. Just because they haven't dedicated rooms their lives to them, does not mean they love them any less.

BillyBollyBandy Sun 04-Nov-12 09:17:16

My dm has everything at her house, pj's, clothes, she used to have formula and a sterilizer, blankets, comforters like the ones at home...

It's great. I drop them off and they have everything they need. If dd1 says she wants to sleepover (about once a week) everything is there. They are very close to their gp's and, as far as I am concerned, can only benefit from having lots of people around them that love them unconditionally.

I only have a FIL and he is in his 80's but if I had in laws who also did this I would be happy. The dc are part of their son! I find the gp's who are happy to see dgc's twice a year far more odd.

BillyBollyBandy Sun 04-Nov-12 09:18:59

No one ever seems to complain about their own parents being too intense, it's always in laws. Often the maternal gp's seem to judge it just right...

mumto2andnomore Sun 04-Nov-12 09:19:11

Sounds lovely, count your lucky stars your children have such caring grandparents sort out some nights out and let them stay !

HalleLouja Sun 04-Nov-12 09:20:36

My mum has a comforter for DS at hers. So we don't need to remember as sometimes he stays spontaneously or we used to forget.

MrsCantSayAnything Sun 04-Nov-12 09:26:19

It's odd....as TeWi said it's "Custody style access" BUT...they love them and the DC reciprocate. So II would bite my lip really.

atacareercrossroads Sun 04-Nov-12 09:27:11

So what if they are reliving the magic a bit by doing this? What's the harm?

usualsuspect3 Sun 04-Nov-12 09:27:51

Sounds lovely to me.

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 09:30:36

My goodness so the gs have some kind od issues because they gp have the same items that te kids have at home. It's up to THEM how tey dcrate ther room, Mabey tey want te grandchildren to feel at home by having familiar thins. Yes Mabey they do miss their child rearing days so what! They clearly love and adore their grandkids and live for them. Yes when te are older Mabey they will want to stay at grannies/gramdsds often.

Felicitywascold Sun 04-Nov-12 09:31:12

I was with the aww it's lovely camp, until you mentioned about the clothes. That I find odd, not sure why, but it creeps me out. A lot.

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 09:31:41

My goodness wen your grandparents your damed f you do damed if you don't you can't win.

my mum has done this.
DD has more clothes at her Grans than at home!

I think it's lovely. Lovely that DD is loved so much and that her Gran is so happy to have her, look after her and treat her.

Why wouldn't you be happy that your children are surrounded by so much love?

BlueberryHill Sun 04-Nov-12 09:34:23

Sounds OTT to me, its the clothes more than anything. My PILs have had all the GC to stay both with and without us so I have no problems, actually I love it, when they stay over.

They have toys, higchair, cutlery etc there which is really handy but I would find a room completely decked out for the kids a bit weird so I can see where you are coming from. I would probably let it go though. Actually a lot of the toys are DH old ones and it is lovely that the GC are now playing with them.

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 09:35:26

Felicity what the hell is wrong with the grandparents buying their grandkids brand new cloths fr goodness sakes. They adore their grandkids and want to send money in them so Whaaat. So they suddenly have mental health issues hmm

and there is nothing nicer than buying kiddies clothes.

So what if PIL are buying clothes?
Everytime my mum goes out to buy milk she comes back with something for DD. It's her money and if she choses to spend it on her grandchild, so what!!!

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 09:37:34

It's clothes for gods sake. They want to spoil teir grandchildren, and suddenly Mumsnet jurey have decided tat they have mental health/psychotic prblems

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 09:39:31

Yes would the op feel this way if it was her arents hmm. I am not looking forward to being a MIL if everything I do is going to come under scrutiny

cocolepew Sun 04-Nov-12 09:40:22

The clothes bit is ott and a bit odd. Why would they need to buy drawer full of clothes to keep at their house?

DorisIsWaiting Sun 04-Nov-12 09:41:14

I ind this abit odd, My DM is very involved with both dsis's offspring (live other end of the the country so not so much mine ...but she would if she could).

Grandchildren are around daily (on the way to and from school!) They had a spare room for the GC for over nights but it just has beds, some car boot sale toys and a few pairs of second hand trousers for when the ineveitably get filthy running around the garden.

I think the way she has gone overboard would IMHO be unverving and possibly abit overbearing.

LittleBearPad Sun 04-Nov-12 09:41:43

The room and furniture wouldn't bother me or the toys. If the want to do it then let them. It's quite nice for kids to feel they have a room at GPs so they feel settled.
The clothes bit is too much though. Fair enough maybe have one change or some vests/sleepsuits for the baby in case of accidents but a whole chest of drawers would be odd. Not least because its likely the children will grow out of them before many of them are worn. (Particularly baby clothes). Seems rather a wast of money to me

BlueberryHill Sun 04-Nov-12 09:42:12

Felicity, I know it wasn't pointed I me but I feel the same about the clothes. I think that its the waste of money more than anything. I know they can spend their money as they wish but the kids aren't likely to wear them more than once or twice, its just a waste.

I really like my PIL, they are great with the kids, make a great fuss of them and buy them lots of toys and clothes. However they are also really practical and the clothes and toys come home with the kids. Some toys stay at GP which is really handy when we go over to stay plus they use DH old toys. They haven't done a room out specifically for the GC, partly because they have other people to stay but also they won't all fit in one room. I'm quite relieved about that.

IWipeArses Sun 04-Nov-12 09:42:38

It does seem ott for the frequency they stay over. If they don't have issues, then it's pressure to have them more often.

whathellcall Sun 04-Nov-12 09:42:48

YANBU. Though on here you get flamed unless you want shared care with gps. It's far too over the top, a complete waste of money, and a way to guilt you into agreeing to sleepovers more often than you may want to. Doesn't seem to matter now weirdo the behaviour of GPS on here, you'll be labelled an ungrateful wench for not being delighted.

cocolepew Sun 04-Nov-12 09:43:01

Her DS has a sleepover every couple of months, when is he suposed to wear the clothes the GP s have bought him? He will go with his own clothes and pjs with him confused

atacareercrossroads Sun 04-Nov-12 09:44:28

What's really sad is that I do think people get a bit jealous when gps do this sort of thing. Why a parent wouldn't be happy that their kids have a nice space at other peoples homes ill never know. I suspect its symptomatic of something with the parents tbh

BlueberryHill Sun 04-Nov-12 09:45:34

Piglet, I've reread the thread and cannot find where someone has said the GP have mental health problems, just that its a bit OTT or odd. Could you point it out to me? Thanks

WinkyWinkola Sun 04-Nov-12 09:45:52

Piglet, it's not just clothes though, is it? It's the whole caboodle as if it were they who are having the new parent experience.

Op, just wait and see what transpires. I'd bet my last penny that you will have a huge boundary issue to deal with.

Bonsoir Sun 04-Nov-12 09:46:51

I think it's lovely. My mother adores her grandchildren but she finds it really difficult to spend money on them - I had to point out to her that her box of colouring pencils contained nothing that hadn't been there when I was a child and that all the leads were hard and broken, and could she please buy some new ones. My mother isn't remotely short of money but buying toys etc, or special bedding, just isn't on her radar screen.

atacareercrossroads Sun 04-Nov-12 09:47:30

Coco, so what's up with op saying "ere Mil, stop buying bloody clothes will you". Do people not talk anymore?!

Gentleness Sun 04-Nov-12 09:49:29

I find it weird to go that far. Are they Ideal Home sort of decorators in other rooms though as well? If that kind of decorating is normal for them then I could understand it more. Otherwise I too would feel a bit trapped by so much fuss.

Plus it isn't my parenting philosophy and I'd not like that my kids were being spoiled by things. Attention is fine: "stuff" isn't. I'd have to explain that to them and give them the book "Simplicity Parenting" to read.

cocolepew Sun 04-Nov-12 09:51:20

Theres nothing wrong with her saying it. I was replying that I thought the clothes ott, the same as other posters confused.

My mum did this when ds was born. Nursery decorated with cot etc, clothes in wardrobe, pram hmm we live a 5 minute WALK away.
It was just because she was so excited, and also I think because she was a single mum herself and lived with her parents when i was born so had never had a chance to decorate a babys room for herself.
Ds is now 12 and has two younger sisters. There are now 2 bedrooms at my mums decorated for the gc. A football themed room for ds and a girly room with bunkbeds. Both are full of toys and clothes, the kids dont take anything with them when they stay.
Im just grateful my kids have gp who care about them so much

and suddenly Mumsnet jurey have decided tat they have mental health/psychotic prblems

Exactly this. What IS the matter with you lot who are 'uncomfortable' or 'it's ott' and all the other negative shit? Seriously? These are two grandparents who love their GC and can afford/want to create a special place for them when they visit. I think that's lovely and it's the kind of thing those children will hold in their memories for ever.

TiggerWearsATriteSmile Sun 04-Nov-12 09:55:16

The drawers full of clothes are a bit funny alright.
I know my SIL would be a bit like this. As in she buys clothes for my DC's that she likes rather than things they wear. Girls in pink dresses, boys in blue jeans and shirts. They are gifts though not for her house.

I will say this though, I'd love to have someone kind enough to care for my children and put thought into making them feel at home. Buying things they already have at home is mirroring what you have created. It's not trying to outdo you or better what you have done.
Enjoy it.

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 09:57:09

Well I see nothing wrong with it, yes it sounds a little overboard, but put it down to them loving their grandkids very much and wanting to spoil them. Yes it's their money to do with as they please. If it were her parents she would not b complaining, it's always seems to be the in laws. Yes some posters have suggested it goes deeper and teir may be mental health type issues further up the thread. Why the hell is buying new clothes fo the kids odd hmm. Kids clothes are so cute, I love any excuse to buy the, my dcs are 5 and 9 months so buying lots if nice clothes. Mabey she should suggest that the grandparents gve them the clothes that the kids are nearly growing ou of so tey can te some use out of them before they buy new ones

droves Sun 04-Nov-12 09:57:23

Its a nice thing they have done , but the clothes would be a bit ott for me too.

Perhaps you could suggest they have underwear , and slippers and pyjamas with one change of everyday clothes ( t-shirt ,jeans or comfy jogging suit ) and one nicer set of clothes incase PIL wants to take them out somewhere special .

Either that or go round and ask if you could take the nice clothes , because they're so nice that it would be a shame if dc didn't get a chance to wear them before the grew out of them and pil have went to such an expense for the dc.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii Sun 04-Nov-12 09:58:53

I would be uncomfortable because this kind of set-up PLUS a lot of overnight sets a legal precedent.

If you are 100% comfortable with potentially having to share future access and decision making with people who aren't your children's parents then go ahead.

But it's not something I personally would entertain with either set of grandparents.

roundtable Sun 04-Nov-12 09:58:55

Own room is nice and is special for gc I think although loads of clothes would make me raise an eyebrow but that's about it.

What is odd is when a gp, who has a spare room, refuses to let her gc sleep in it and insists that they sleep in bed with her. Even though she has sleep apnea and needs to wear an oxygen mask attached to a very noisy machine, often stops breathing and snores extremely loudly. Her oldest gc now flat out refuses to stay over because she won't compromise, even with said gp trying to offer her all sorts of bribes. confused

BegoniaBampot Sun 04-Nov-12 09:59:28

It is a bit OTT but also quite sweet, my children don't really have that kind of relationship with their GPs and at the moment only see them a few days a year. I'd love them to have a really close more frequent relationship. I'm another who every time I read MIL or PIL thread wonder what's ahead for me, especially as i only have sons.

BlueberryHill Sun 04-Nov-12 09:59:36

Where has anyone said that they have mental health problems? Nowhere, I think that is exaggerating the point.

Nothing is the matter with me, as I've said my PIL love their GC. On their last visit DD1 was saying, 'Want Grandma, want grandma' in preference to me. MIL was a bit embarassed about it, I said 'I have no problems with it, it is actually really reassurring'. They were about to have their first sleepover at PIL without us, so it was actually great to hear and I meant it. I would still find a lot of clothes odd, just because it would be waste of money, but as I've said its their choice.

AThingInYourLife Sun 04-Nov-12 10:01:41

"Doesn't seem to matter now weirdo the behaviour of GPS on here, you'll be labelled an ungrateful wench for not being delighted."

Totally grin

It'll be like this:

"MIL has had my son's name carved into her forehead. She regularly picks him up from school and won't return him unless I threaten to call the police. He weighs 9 stone (he's only 6) because she feeds him 3 steak and kidney puddings for each meal. He sleeps in her bed and she calls him her "boyfriend""

And people will say

"She just loves her grandson. Their relationship is beautiful. Grandparents are meant to ruin spoil their grandchildren. You wouldn't mind if it were your mother being obsessed with your child and wildly inappropriate."

grin

Although in this case I would just ignore the harmless weirdness.

usualsuspect3 Sun 04-Nov-12 10:08:29

Or the MIL haters come on and say, shes a weirdo how dare she buy things for her grandchildren you need to nip this in the bud now.

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 10:09:20

Athing tat would be odd, and not right, but a grandparent having a room for when their grandkids come to stay, with some nice clothes that they hav bought them, is setting a legal president wtaf shock, are you a lawyer! Some of you lot need some persective. Mumsnet armchair law at ts best

cocolepew Sun 04-Nov-12 10:11:44

There is nothing wrong with buying your GC clothes , but would it not be more sensible to actually give them the clothes to wear? Rather than them sitting, unworn, in a drawer.

I've seen plenty of threads on MN about the parents of the poster, it's not always the ILs getting a bashing .

Sirzy Sun 04-Nov-12 10:14:00

What harm is them having some clothes there doing? Ok it may be a waste of money but it is THEIR money to waste as they want.

Like I said earlier in the case of "oh shit we need to get to hospital with x lets drop the kids of at PIL" it is fantastic to have everything that will be needed there so one less thing to worry about.

It often seems on these threads grandparents can't do right for doing wrong try to be nice and they are "OTT" and "overbearing" don't do enough and they dont care!

Flisspaps Sun 04-Nov-12 10:14:04

Sounds OTT to me. A nice bedroom with toys for occasional use yes, but a fully stocked bedroom akin to one at home, with everything they could possibly need despite them not staying often?

Too much.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sun 04-Nov-12 10:14:17

In most cultures the wife gets taken into the husbands family - except in ours where the DIL does her damndest to make sure she can cause some bloody dischord between mother and son in preference for her family.

It's not a competition as to who loves each other more. The way a son treats his mother is how he will treat his wife.

I hate reading these threads where it's full of underlying jealousy that the MIL might actually have a deep and lasting bond with grandchildren. Reading some posters, I can see why their lives are a litany of broken and unsustainable relationships; numerous ex partners, a multitude of children
who are used as weapons, no viable relationship with their own mothers.

I hope my sons never bring home a DIL I really do.God forbid you should ever want to do something nice for GCs, spend a birthday, Christmas or Saturday taking them out. It would be green-eyed jealous hell.

AThingInYourLife Sun 04-Nov-12 10:19:45

"the DIL does her damndest to make sure she can cause some bloody dischord between mother and son in preference for her family."

grin

I think you mean "except in ours where mothers of sons become obsessively jealous of their sons' attention and compete to be number 1 female."

grin

You hope your sons never get married or have children because other women are such bitches and all they need is you?

grin

Poor fuckers.

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 10:19:55

I know ophilia. Its full of graabdarents took mt py children out to MacDonalds, grandparents want to see dc 1 a week, grandparents are buying gc new clothes and ave a room for tem at their house. Seems like they cannot do right from wrong. Suck it up and be happy your il love their grandchildren very much. They are not trying to compete against you but using familiar things in their home so grandkids will feel at home

I love the total inconsistency on Mumsnet. On one hand this OP is being told this is not unreasonable, but on another thread the OP is being supported against a controlling MIL.

Whether this is really unreasonable, and this applies to anyPIL/ MIL thread, is whether there's any previous history of issues between MIL/PIL and DIL.

If the PIL are generally a lovely pair, then I'd regard this as a little OTT but nothing to get het up about.

If there's been issues then obviously this would need to be considered as part of that.

Each situation unique.

Mrsjay Sun 04-Nov-12 10:21:38

they love their grandchildren so much that when they stay they want them to have a nice childfriendly room to stay in and you are moaning seriously it is a bedroom you are really lucky they want to see them , honestly over thinking and a little bit neurotic imo ,

Chellors123 Sun 04-Nov-12 10:21:57

Thanks - I can understand some may say its a MIL thing but its just not a comparison i would make - she lives over 500 miles away, adores the DC's and has put teddies in the room they sleep in when we visit (4 times a year) but nothing more than that. She has 2 other grand children who she lives very close to but the room arrangements are exactly the same.

MIL is all about family and has no other interests - nothing wrong with that just not what I am used to and I take on board that I should be grateful they take so much interest but feel it crosses the boundaries and is OTT

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 10:22:40

Op hasent highlighted any outstanding issues, only they are a bit full on with the grandkids

Arithmeticulous Sun 04-Nov-12 10:22:56

There is nothing wrong with buying your GC clothes , but would it not be more sensible to actually give them the clothes to wear? Rather than them sitting, unworn, in a drawer

It sounds a bit on the odd side of things to me but reading the rest of the thread I might be in the minority.

Up until you mentioned the clothes, it sounded like they were just doing it to occupy their time and for it to be nice for the GC. The amount of clothes (and comforters) tips it over the line.

My MIL is always buying stuff for her DC in the sale and it's usually the wrong size/style/season because it was in the sale and we always accept, thank, charity shop and wonder why she doesn't spend the money on a new back door instead - but she likes doing it so we carry on. My parents are the same, except they wrap up charity shop finds and make out they are new - again, they seem to occupy their time walking around charity shops and mine when I take it all back It all works because they never ask to see what has happened to the stuff they give us grin

Ophelia you seem to be projecting some issues here. grin

In most families I kow, the DIL gets on really well with the MIL, no discord in sight (including mine - I've spent half the week being an escort for MIL as she does the round of blood tests, consultant appts and chemo).

In some families there will be problems, which can stem from a jealous DIL, but also there are jealous MILs, or MILs with real personality problems.

Just because someone becomes a mum, it won't turn a nasty person into a saint. a nasty person becomes a nasty mum, becomes a nasty MIL, generally.

It will always boil down to what kind of person you are.

And with your attitude I pity your future DILs.

Softlysoftly Sun 04-Nov-12 10:28:37

God you'd hate my parents, they have 6 grandchildren, a decorated children's room, a dedicated playroom and bathroom with changing station and mum bought a car appropriate for carrying kids and pushchairs around even though she never does!

She lives the GCs and wants to make things easier for us, she respects our parenting rules in fact we all do things slightly differently so so does she. I think that unless they start overriding your parenting you need to relax.

yellowsubmarine53 Sun 04-Nov-12 10:28:59

Ophelia, that's a bit hard on the OP. She says that she gets on okay with PIL, but things have cooled since she's had children because of PIL's behaviour. That's fair enough, I think. They've been asked not to buy the children a present each week, and they've ignored that very reasonable request.

I'd find this quite OTT and oppressive, but on the other hand, I'd love my children to have interested and involved grandparents, and only 1 out of the 4 even vaguely fit that description and she hasn't been to visit for over a year.

Mrsjay Sun 04-Nov-12 10:29:49

reading all these Inlaw threads I am quite relieved I will have son inlaws tbh

Chellors123 Sun 04-Nov-12 10:30:26

Just to clarify its my mother who lives 500 miles away

No underlying issues wil PIL, they are kind generous people and adore GC (first ones) things have cooled (no cross words) as find them overbearing so DP has most dealings. MIL just has very different parenting styles to me and how I was bought up and it's not till we had children that these differences became so apparent.

I do suck it up a lot of the time time but i dont want to be pressured into 'handing over my children for the day/night' just because they have spent so much time/money on a new room, toys and clothes.

cocolepew Sun 04-Nov-12 10:34:24

I'm quite happy to admit I hate my MIl. It has nothing to do with underlying jealousy. She's a twisted, nasty woman, she always has been, nothing to do with her being a MIL, just how she chooses to act.

Sirzy Sun 04-Nov-12 10:35:48

Then you say no, as your Son has got to 6 with it only being a semi regular thing though what makes you think that will all of a sudden change? Has something else changed?

Lambzig Sun 04-Nov-12 10:40:03

To be honest I would find it a little weird. Not so much decorating the room for them, which is quite nice, but once you had mentioned the unworn clothes, it went a bit far. Its not the same as buying clothes for them and giving them to you to take home, its creating a different life for them in their home.

Not sure what you can do about it though, except try not to get upset.

I would also hate that they ignored my wishes about the presents every week.

Every time DD sees her grandmother (on my side of the family, not MIL) she gives her chocolate or cake just before lunch despite my asking her not to saying "but she needs a treat". Unsurprisingly, she wont eat her lunch after that and I have to bite my tongue when my parents say "she isnt a good eater is she, she obviously doesnt like what you have made her".

Chellors123 Sun 04-Nov-12 10:40:27

Nothing has changed, just the new room - the previous house didn't have a dedicated room for GC.

Phineyj Sun 04-Nov-12 10:42:01

^In most cultures the wife gets taken into the husbands family - except in ours where the DIL does her damndest to make sure she can cause some bloody dischord between mother and son in preference for her family.

It's not a competition as to who loves each other more. The way a son treats his mother is how he will treat his wife.^

Hmm, am not sure that is a criticism of our culture really -- isn't a good thing that women in the UK have a choice, generally, about getting absorbed into someone else's family or starting their own household? I think you'll find it's to do with economics as much as culture, as well.

And why would a son treat a wife the same way as his mother? I hope he can tell the difference and he might have picked someone completely different, perhaps for good reason. Also, it jolly well can be a competition...both sides can be unreasonable but I know so many DIL/PIL/parent situations where all the give is on one side.

Yes it is nice that the OP's PIL have gone to all this trouble, but if it makes her uncomfortable, it makes her uncomfortable - she can't help how she feels. Gifts can be as much about the giver's needs as the recipient.

Personally I was a bit disappointed when I kitted out a room for my DNs and then found they stay very rarely, but I didn't go bonkers, just some IKEA stuff so my DS doesn't have to bring so much with her each time. But they're not my kids, it's up to my DS how often they stay. And my own DM definitely considers she's in a little bit of a competition with me to have the GC to stay, even though she'd never admit it! And she 'wins' because she is the GM and they adore her and she doesn't have to do pesky stuff like go to work!

Meanwhile the DNs are quite oblivious...all they know is lots of people love them and want to buy them stuff..

Gentleness Sun 04-Nov-12 10:43:07

Op obviously feels like this decorating and buying is in preparation for something. If your gut is telling you that then you're probably right, and best to prepare yourself so you aren't feeling pressured. It's not about wanting mils kept out. It's about being able to make good choices freely.

It's so fun decorating, especially for kids! They're just having fun....loads of fun.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sun 04-Nov-12 10:51:24

It was a generalisation of the boards on MN, not a dig at the OP (apologies OP if you thought I was having a dig at you).

But this board ofteen seems full of women, and it is predominantly women, who helicopter round their children in an unhealthy way - never allowing them to have relationships away from them. It's quite an obsessive form of love. Very unhealthy IMHO.

Sirzy Sun 04-Nov-12 10:51:58

They have a new house therefore a 'blank canvas' so they have decided as they now have 2 grandchildren who will be staying over occasionally (as one does its not a big step to expect that eventually the younger child will want to) they want to make sure they have their own space.

What a lovely thing to do.

Comments like "decorating and buying is in preparation for something" is what seems OTT especially considering the OP has clearly stated that their are no underlying issues with them.

LittleBearPad Sun 04-Nov-12 10:56:09

And there are lots of DMs and MILs who interfere with their children's relationships and parenting too. I know someone who has bought her DS children clothes. Fair enough until you realise he and his wife aren't even pregnant yet!!

Gentleness Sun 04-Nov-12 10:57:12

Op clearly stated they've been asking for the 1 yr old to stay, and persist in buying presents despite being asked not to. I suspect they've got an idea in their minds about some kind of regular overnights and that might be fine, or not, but op should be free to choose.

WinkyWinkola Sun 04-Nov-12 11:09:41

Wise words, Phineyj. Completely agree.

As for MIL haters on MN, I think there are many here who have learned a lot from thee relationships with their in laws. And still make an effort with them.

There are a lot of DIL haters here too.

Sometimes if you don't agree what other posters think you should do, they get a right strop on and start making sweeping generalisations about how glad they are to have daughters etc.

LaurieBlueBell Sun 04-Nov-12 11:13:09

My first gc is due this week <squeeel> and I will be just like your PiLs. The only difference is my DD will appreciate the love I already feel for her DD.

I keep reading threads like this on MN and it makes me really thankful that my DD has totally involved me in her pregnancy and forthcoming birth. I only offer advice and support when asked though grin My dc have a very close relationship with my mum and I love that they love spending time with her.
It's sad when DC seem to forget that their parents have such a wealth of experience.

Mrsjay Sun 04-Nov-12 11:15:55

My first gc is due this week <squeeel> and I will be just like your PiLs. The only difference is my DD will appreciate the love I already feel for her DD.

ooo congrats I can see you are a little excited grin

AThingInYourLife Sun 04-Nov-12 11:17:05

"But this board ofteen seems full of women, and it is predominantly women, who helicopter round their children in an unhealthy way - never allowing them to have relationships away from them. It's quite an obsessive form of love. Very unhealthy IMHO."

grin <wipes tears>

Says the woman who hopes her sons never marry!

You couldn't make it up grin

BegoniaBampot Sun 04-Nov-12 11:17:50

TBH. i've had less issues with the inlaws who have been stellar than my own parents.

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 11:20:38

So op you do have issues Wth your in laws, you have saud that they can be overbearing and are trying to distance yourself from them because of this. well this does make it different, if they are trying to interfer and control things, not only because tey hav bought your children new clothes fr tir house and ave a decreed room, which withut issue there is nothing wrong with that

I would feel uncomfortable with this too.

ILs have a spare room my dc use, but it's not decorated specially for them.

My ILs live 2 minutes away and mil last saw our children 4 weeks ago.
Fil sees them most days as he works in the fields (farming).

I have to admit I'm on a bit of a stand-off now. The visit 4 weeks ago was when dh dropped into their house, they were last in ours in August for dh's birthday.

We do have lots of issues though.

My dc are the age to wander down to their house on their own, but they don't, I think this speaks volumes.

My own mother did the buying stuff "to keep here for when you come" from when I was pregnant with DC1 - as even then I lived a 5 hour drive from her, and was preparing on a tight budget with quite a lot of second hand stuff while she bought expensive "boutique" stuff and kept it at her house this rankled deeply (but then we already had a far from perfect relationship). In all honesty it made me inclined to take the DC to her less rather than more no matter what her motivation and a lot of the stuff at her house went unused as it would have been outgrown between visits etc. She didn't kit out a room for the DC though, she bizarrely had twin (full size) beds put in her walk in wardrobe confused which I felt very odd about putting my DC in to sleep - she has 2 other empty bedrooms!

My in-laws have kitted out a room for the DC, but using things that belonged to DH and his brothers mostly, plus bargain toys. MIL buys stacks of bargain or boot sale clothes (which she washes as necessary and gives to me to take home) and I appreciate - she buys a disproportional amount of stuff for DD, I think as she had all boys, so while I still have to buy new for my boys DD has more clothes than she knows what to do with.

I think a lot of this is about the relationship you have with the grandparent in question before DC, and about the perceived spirit behind what the grandparent do - whether it feels like they are trying to take over/ interfere/ grab or whether it feels healthy, and that they are building a normal relationship with their grandchildren and helping out their child (whether son or daughter) and partner.

The "Woe is me I have boys and MN shows us that DIL are evil" threads (in which the poster with this attitude usually claims she herself is a wonderful DIL) really irritate me - these difficult relationships happen with either grandmother, some people only choose to read the threads they think will wind them up! I have 2 boys and a girl and worry more about the relationship with my DD when she grows up as my own relationship with my DM is not one I would want to replicate, but it's up to the mother to do all she can to keep the relationship healthy IMO.

my sister and I had our own rooms at my grandparents house when we were children. I never found it odd at all it was like another home to me, in fact when my mum died its where I went and felt like I was still home and safe if you see what I mean.

My MIL has a room with beds for the children and she has a cot etc, I have no problem with this DH is her baby and so his babies are of course incredibly important to her.

I hope that when my children have children I get to go out and fuss over them and spoil them just like my grandparents did!.

A relationship has to be worked on from both sides. Unfortunately a lot of MILs AND DILs forget that.

The tradition and culture in western society leans towards a child leaving home and setting up a new family, meaning the spouse and any children become the new nuclear family. Some parents find it hard to let go for any number of reasons, love being only one of them.

Ophelia I don't think you realise that your comments make you appear to be one of those likely to become a problem MIL. You certainly give me the impression that you are not likely to be very welcoming to any DIL unfortunate enough to cross your path.

My children had this sort of set up at my mothers, i had, had at at my nans.

When i was widowed, young and during my husbands illness, it was good that my children had the relationship that they did with my mum. My da had,had to work away from home,during times of high unemployment, so it was a big help, to my mum.

I had to work nights and the transistion to LP was an easy ride, because of the extended family set up that we had.

Now my mum is using a wheelchair and my middle DD is 17, again, she is able to stay with my mum and return the care that she has had (with myself and other DD's).

No members of our family are watched whilst they struggle, and SS needed, when we can all pitch in.

Set bounderies, by all means, you are the parents, but except the importance of having close extended family.

maybenow Sun 04-Nov-12 11:49:58

To be honest, the thing that makes me most uncomfortable is the equating of 'love' with 'buying stuff'.

I want my children's gps to love them, want to spend time with them, and make them feel comfortable at their house - none of that requires buying a whole set of everything a child has at home, most of which they don't even really 'need' anyway sad

When I stayed at my GPs as a chid the best bits were the differences - the old board games from my father's childhood, marbles, weird little glass ornaments, funny old-fashioned blankets instead of duvets.

izzywizzyisbizzy Sun 04-Nov-12 11:50:06

My DD stays at my mums once a week, she is 2, DS is 4, he doesnt because he is a total mummys boy likes to stay home.

If they love their grandparents, it would be lovely for you and DH to have a night off, why dont you let them stay,

ooo may old fashioned blankets - I totally forgot about that. I remember being amazed at how many layers beds had there and also the car and attention that went into making them!. Every night a hot water bottle night. Sigh.

maybenow Sun 04-Nov-12 11:55:36

Oh, and btw. there's no doubt in my mind that having special clothes for wearing in a certain place IS weird.

Clothes belong to the wearer, even if they are only 5yrs old. Imagine if your mum or mil bought you a lovely new cashmere sweater this christmas then told you that instead of taking it home with you it was to stay at her house and you could only wear it when you came to visit? Weird, weird, weird.

I agree with both your last posts maybenow smile

I think it's lovely tbh, they sound as though they really love their gcssmile
You get a break and they get to spend time with their gcs-nothing wrong in that.

WinkyWinkola Sun 04-Nov-12 12:34:49

Lauriebluebell, you sound like an awesome gm already. Not least because you offer opinions only when asked. That IMO is the first step to an amazing relationship between all 3+ generations.

Gingerbreadlatte Fri 15-Feb-13 04:46:16

Are they called Anne and John?

2rebecca Fri 15-Feb-13 06:19:34

Their house, they can decorate it how they wish and fill their house full of baby stuff even if they have no grandchildren if that's how they want to spend their money.
You and your husband on the other hand decide when you wish them to have the kids staying over and that is unrelated to how much baby crap they have in their house. I have always worked so even if my relatives had lived nearer (no-one is within a 2h drive) they wouldn't have been getting the kids overnight alot and hardly ever at weekends as we wanted to spend time with them.
If they moan they have spent alot of money just tell them that was their choice and for the kids to stay they only need to provide the basics so they are comfortable eg bed, high chair as you can bring the rest.
Sadly as the kids grow I suspect this wil reduce as GPs rarely provide teenagers with loads of free ipods etc, people just get obsessed with little kids and babies.

2rebecca Fri 15-Feb-13 06:24:07

I agree that clothes belong to the wearer though, when separating my ex and I were both firm on this, and that all the kids' toys should be theirs to move between the houses. If the GPs want to keep a toy at their house you explain to the kids it's not their toy but their grandparents.
As the kids get older they will get upset if unable to take "their" clothes away so apart from nightclothes and dressing up clothes I would TELL the grandparents that if they give your kids clothes then they give them to them properly otherwise you don't want them wearing the clothes.

myBOYSareBONKERS Fri 15-Feb-13 07:03:44

Having been on the receiving end of this too I really think it depends on why it was done.

If they are generally over-bearing and have the attitude of always knowing best, then - yes - I would be annoyed as it would be them trying to "re-live" their parenting days and take over.

but

if they are not like that and don't try to impose their views etc on to you, then just take it as the excitement and love they have for your children and how well looked after they will be there as they have made the effort to furnish the room in the things your children find familiar.

I had a bit of both with my parents. It REALLY irritated me that they had their own cot, nappies, clothes etc but as time went on it was SO much easier as I didn't have to pack half the house to go there! My Mum can be over-bearing etc but after a few gentle reminders that I am the mum she was much better. We still have issues at times but I am so grateful that she loves them that much.

fluffyraggies Fri 15-Feb-13 07:30:36

3 month old thread.

But i think it's a bit OTT too.

exoticfruits Fri 15-Feb-13 07:35:43

Generally I am the one sticking up for grandparents, especially MIL, but I wouldn't like it. It appears that they haven't got a life and that they don't have much of a relationship with OP- it is just the children. Do they ever do anything with OP without the children or her DH?
It seems too much emphasis on material things- especially when a lot will be wasted e.g the clothes never worn. I can see the point of getting some toys from a car boot sale to keep in the house and even a set of old clothes and wellies to go out in the mud. It might be nice to bear them in mind when decorating the room, but it also needs to suit adults who might stay.
However, I would just smile, nod and ignore.

exoticfruits Fri 15-Feb-13 07:37:06

I always get drawn into these old threads without noticing the date!

2rebecca Fri 15-Feb-13 08:57:39

Why do some people resurrect them? I can understand if it's your thread and you're updating but some people just have too much time on their hands.

Mama1980 Fri 15-Feb-13 09:08:36

Personally I think it is normal behaviour for doting grandparents. When growing up I always had a decorated room with more toys than I could possible want at my grandparents I adored them and not because of the presents I never expected them. Even now I'm 32 and my grandad at 85 is making me a dolls house from scratch and puts the heating on when he knows I'm coming as I hate the cold. He worships my children and has made and given them more presents than I ever do but it makes everyone happy. We visit every week usually And i think its a lovely relationship and very important.
If you are worried that they are trying force you let you children say more then just say no when they ask.

Adversecamber Fri 15-Feb-13 09:38:09

Regardless of what they do it is down to you and your DH how often they stay so don't worry about it.

My dsis is rather talented when it comes to drawing and painting, she created a pretty amazing mural in her spare bedroom for her granddaughters, they love it.

Rather that than totally disinterested GP which we have, not even a bar of chocolate from DH Father for DS this Christmas. My Mum actually gave DS a fiver which was a miracle.

maddening Fri 15-Feb-13 09:49:41

My ds only stays at my dps with me ( Co sleeping and bf) but dn stays a lot - and there is a dgc room and tons of toys. It's lovely and easier as everything is there when we stay.

It isn't sinister just nice.

As for the the weekly present - get a toy storage for their room at pils and all the toys they buy can stay at dgps - they'll soon stop when they see it piling up.

MyDarlingClementine Fri 15-Feb-13 10:17:00

"The last sleepover I packed DS's clothes and when I went to pick him up he was in a full set of clothes (including pants) that I had never seen before."

Only skim read - but its the clothing that also makes me feel its been taken a step too far.

My own MIL would do this - and it felt like she was treating my DD like a doll, she had OCD issues or something as well and would wash her every single time as soon as she got there.

It was also a mark of ownership and I know she felt very stronlgy about her taste and still tries to dress my DH now!

In some ways I think the room IS nice and the toys.

My PILS have a nice house and yet take my DD to a small horrid room that used to be DH where they have or two really old toys from somewhere and it looks a bit like a students room in there with lots of throws over a crappy fold away sofa bed...just in case!
I felt sorry for my DD that her friends GP seem to have at least some toys for them....and took them out somewhere nice....

BUT the clothes is too far.

I agree with others, there are going to be raging boundary problems.
Having said that, I can imagine if I had the money and the time, also going into major over drive with teh arrival of GC.

I would only do it though if it in no way was over stepping what my dd's wanted.

But I am lucky as I have two DD's....so unless they turn out to be lesbians, I wont have to be a mil to a DIL!!! grin

DIYapprentice Fri 15-Feb-13 10:19:40

It's nice that the GP have set up a room, but I think it's OTT the extent they've gone to. I'd feel very emotionally pressured, actually (and I don't take kindly to that!). They're in for a rude surprise when your DC start doing more and more activities, and start wanting to spend weekends with friends rather than GPs.

Floggingmolly Fri 15-Feb-13 10:21:56

I think that's absolutely lovely. There's nothing threatening about it, they're not in competition with you for "ownership" of your children. Don't push them away.

sukysue Fri 15-Feb-13 10:22:25

You are so lucky and once a week is not a lot to see them loosen up a bit and let them have them a bit more .

fandomfanny Fri 15-Feb-13 10:57:26

This is going to be a bit shocking op, but I couldn't not post Here is my thread in relationships- in summary my mil is a child molester.
What you are describing, having a room set-up with clothes for the children and a disturbingly over bearing attitude that made me feel uncomfortable is exactly how my mil began. Down to presents that were too small to stop, but that she was going totally overboard about. Please trust your instincts. Establish firm boundaries now and watch her like a hawk.

atthewelles Fri 15-Feb-13 11:21:26

I think you're making a big leap here fandom, you can't just throw accusations like that around. shock

rainand Fri 15-Feb-13 11:51:33

Though a nice gesture on the face of it, I wouldn't like it if my mother (forget MIL) did above, as it comes with loaded expectations! I would much rather she contributed towards the nursery in our home where the baby would be staying majority of the time.

fandomfanny Fri 15-Feb-13 11:54:52

To clarify- It's not an accusation that your Mil is a molester. I'm pointing out that people who have skewed senses of personal boundaries in one area are often manipulative individuals who may have skewed boundaries in other areas. OP has asked her to stop doing things and she hasn't- that means that the OP should be wary that the MIL will not respect her or her boundaries around her children and keep a close eye on her behaviour. Not relax and think how nice it is that her children have a grandma that loves them.
A few years ago I made a post very similar to this op- I was told like the op that I should relax and that my mil just wanted to enjoy being a grandmother. To an extent I did so and she went on to abuse my children.

Geeklover Fri 15-Feb-13 11:58:42

3 out of my parents 5 bedrooms are taken over by my dc. There is a boys room, dd's room and now a playroom.
And don't underestimate having clothes at gp's house. I love it ex mil and my mum keep clothes, nappies and jammies at their houses. I don't have the hassle of packing stuff. I just chuck the children in the car and drop them off in what they are wearing and wave goodbye. It's aggro free and less washing for me.

Floggingmolly Fri 15-Feb-13 12:12:13

Oh, fandom, that's hard sad. Are things ok now?

fandomfanny Fri 15-Feb-13 12:23:59

Don't want to go off topic on the thread but, as you can see from my own thread things are better, but not great yet. Thanks for the concern.

Molehillmountain Fri 15-Feb-13 12:45:07

My pil have done similar for our children, including getting beds made to fit the space. It's lovely. And also, it means that the dc can have character duvets at grandmas not our house! They do give us our space though and I can imagine the room decorating thing would be annoying if it came from someone who was generally questioning your parenting or trying to be there every minute. There's no question of my pil reliving parenting-they are just revelling in being grandparents. Evidenced by the fact they don't feel they have to be up all night or change nappies ;-)

MyDarlingClementine Fri 15-Feb-13 12:51:59

Really Flogging>

You think its ok that for no other reason, GP's should take the child and totally undress and re dress purely so they can it in a different outfit from the whole wardrobe they have amassed?

Id most def buy my own GC outfits but I wouldnt just dress them up at my house. I think thats rude to the DM who has got them dressed!
If I got an outfit i really wanted to see them in I would say " oh id love to see x in this - do you mind if we put her in it".

MiaowTheCat Fri 15-Feb-13 13:55:11

I'd get annoyed at the clothes thing - more than anything else, at the waste of money from it. Both grandparents buy clothes for ours - fine, they enjoy doing it, and generally (my mother has occasional lapses into pink and frilly overdrive) they both have decent taste - but neither of them would keep the clothes at their house because they know that the rate the beanpole grows - the clothes would never get worn.

I won't lie though - while both have cots, highchairs etc at their houses - the way MY mum's done it Vs the way my MIL's done it has been contrasted... with my mum she's very much asked for ideas, and commented how it's really to reduce the amount of stuff we have to cart up and down the country... MIL just went ahead and did it anyway and keeps on going on about "oh when's she going to sleep in OUR cot" yadda yadda (last time we went there DD1 was in with us - technically in a moses basket as she was still tiny and the cot would have been huge for her and was in an utterly different room)... but then my MIL does various things to undermine me and hammer my confidence anyway and it's all part of that dynamic going on. I would say I'd be cheesed off if MIL did the whole decorating a room thing - but I know she'd do it for the blessed and glorious favoured grandchild and expect our girls to just put up with a boy-themed room anyway (and not only that but she'd snirk at how hilarious it all was).

The identical comforters thing is a bit odd to me - gawd she'll be screwed if they don't smell or feel exactly the same!

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