To worry that this *Could* destroy us before we really get started together? (Long)

(263 Posts)
Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 04:16:06

Hi Not sure how to put this as I'm a man & not used to but getting lots of practice of late via MN lol writing about my thoughts & emotions? But will give it a go so bear with me if I'm over-descriptive somewhat in what follows; I'm someone who is normally very unlucky in love & recently got out of the lower depths of Hell a Very bad relationship with a woman who was about as close to the personification of pure evil as can be imagined in one person - Unfortunately? I have a DS with this Creature of the night nasty woman so still have to talk to her & interact with her to bring him up as best we can?

Anyway I recently (This Feb') met another lady (on POF of All places) who is kind, erudite, caring, sensitive, pretty, lovely to talk to (& very nice to look at to wink ) & who is basically the antithesis of my ex-fiancee (yes I know what was I thinking being engaged to her blush ) Most importantly (for my battered heart & hers to as she's been through the mill somewhat also)? This lady likes me very much & Indeed sought me out on POF much to my undying shock at so gorgeous a creation thinking even slightly nice thoughts of me shock & we began (via FB & online & phone before a couple of eventual meetings that went well) what can only be described as an emotional affair with her & she eventually (after a rather rocky period where I made one very bad mistake & really upset her) told me she'd been falling in love with me.

Anyway? To cut a long story slightly shorter? This angel from above stunning lady whose singlehandedly restoring my faith in womankind? Is 36 to my 34 (as of this year) & so (surprisingly)? Is the first woman I've ever been involved with whose Older than me? Further? We both have one child (me a DS aged 3, she a DD aged 17) are both possessed of similarly sarcastic & very quick senses of humour, finish each others thoughts & sentences on the phone, just click some of the time & feel so right together thus far; I think we might have a long term future if our 'babysteps' towards a poss' relationship (her words & both our idea) come off in short?

Anyway this woman I've found myself falling for come to care a lot for? Is also as of this year around March/April time in a new job after previously being employed as a teacher for around 10 years until this year; I'm not sure but judging by some of the tones & words I've heard from her? (things like "don't feel sorry for me, it's my job, my choice, I'll get used to it, I think") I'm beginning to think that she maybe regrets moving into this job which as far as I know? Is that of a Family Support worker which brings me to the problems.

I am currently involved in a Vicious custody battle over my DS with the Bride of Dracula my ahem not nice ex' and have had all manner of untrue allegations & lies hurled at me both verbally & (eventually) in print in the form of both allegations in court applications & via solicitors letters from her (string of different) briefs; I have replied in kind a little but other than that? have no legal involvement in my life of any sort bar one visit from the police a year ago when we broke up & she lied & Tried to fit me up on a particular charge (which collapsed 2 weeks later & she later admitted lying about & apologised for). Anyway? My new (soon to be fingers crossed) Lady has got very upset re' her job context when I've spoken about what's gone on re' me & ex' & our son along the lines of "how can you put me in this position hearing all this - do you know what I deal with like that every day at work?" but then just to throw another spanner in the works?

She's recently told me when we begin our relationship proper (as opposed to our Current Emotional Affair/Long distance relationship? If 18 miles is long distance - feels like so much more) that I (due to her Job) will have to have extended CRB checks carried out not just on me but my entire family & even house If she were to be staying there regularly with me (even though only me & fortnightly my DS live there right now) further? That as long as any allegations are being maintained against me in Court? She can't deepen our relationship due to this as "I can't be with someone whose had allegations made against them";

Further? I've got a bit of a problem re' PK's due to an operation 7 years ago that almost killed me & left me basically dependent on them & she's told me "I can't be with someone whose dependent on PK's". She's suggested waiting until the case re' My DS is finished & then meeting up & seeing where we go as she's Admitted? Feeling really strongly for me despite all the recent proviso's & prepartory to this & me undergoing the CRB? She's recently started asking me How DS' case is going in certain aspects which I've been frank & open with her about but then? She's telling me later I tell her to much & put her in "impossible positions" again & all the while? I see my ex' parading man after man into & out of her & our Son's life whilst (partly) thanks to her & her F**king allegations? I can't even move on Slightly with a woman I've fallen for in a mahoosive big, big way;

Anyway my question is 4fold I guess? AIBU to Hate my ex' for doing the damage she is doing to me & this possible DP of mine by maintaining allegations that have no basis in reality just out of clear malice, spite & venom (which she's had aplenty for me for a while now; Funny how those we love can hate us so much & vice versa when it all goes wrong sad); Secondly AIBU to be not a little confused by (possible) new DP's differing reactions to me re' my DS case despite it's (possible) importance to us in the future or is she as confused about all this as I am? And lastly? AIBU to think she should be as honest with me as I've tried to be with her (she knew all about my problems when we got involved? I made no secret of them on POF and it was never an issue until her new job came about)? She's recently made noises & taken actions that make me think she's getting impatient for the case to end & us to get on & see how we are together or not? But I'm prepared to wait for her & I think we're a good match (she's Taurus & I'm Cancer & the starsigns match if nothing else LoL - Yes a man who believes in those - shocking I know shock).

Anyway basically? I've had one hell (with that being the operative word BTW) of a Bad time in my life with romance & this woman even at my age? Is someone who I just get the sense Might be the one & for the first time in my life? I think we Could have something together fingers crossed - I'm sometimes to honest & humble for my own good & sense that may have worked against me here but she did ask me not to lie & hide stuff from her by omission so I took her at her word & did my best to do just as she asked;

Anyhow 4th (& final) question? AIBU to put all I've got into trying to make this work & move on from my battered, ruined husk of a past lovelife to something happier at long, long last? Or am I just wasting my (& her=New DP's) time & it will all end yet again re' me in heartbreak & hurt all around? I'm so worried now that yet another relationship in RL I'm involved in will get shot down before it can even take off. I've let the drawbridge & barriers to my heart down one last time but don't know if? Babarians are going to storm & sack it yet again or I'll finally get the love story & fairytale ending I so have wanted for a long, long time now;

I'm so confused so if anyone can help/advise? I'll appreciate it (& them) lots. I guess in the final analysis? I think really like this Lady (& Know she does me) &? I Really want it to work with her so I'm not in the wrong to not want us destroyed as a couple before we even get started am I? Actually in fact? Scrap what I just said - I don't like her - I'm in love with her - there I've admitted it. It's not wrong of me to want to save & build on that is it? I'm so confused & worried for our future together if that is future there will even be? Right now I just don't know & that really worries me as I've let down all my defences for her & don't want to be hurt again.

Yes I admit it LoL I'm a romantic at heart as you prob' knew from the first paragraph all guessed by now but? Even we have our limits & I? Feel I'm at mine now - One more nasty shock disastrous Relationship of the sort my hearts had all to often in life? Well If that happens? yet again? Then Let's just say I fear it Will finish me with women forever & if only for this lady & what I feel for her as well as my hopes of going on to raise my DS with a lady I love who loves me by my side & just being Happy with her? Well let's just say I really don't want that to happen so for me? I guess now? Is all or nothing time. Here goes nothing..........

Sorry for the length - fire away & again? I will really appreciate any (& all) help & advice so I'm not diving blind as it were (re' the "here goes" bit).

Anyway thanks for taking time to read this & take Care all.


bragmatic Wed 17-Oct-12 04:30:48

You're going to have to shorten that. and leave out all the random segues and crossed out bits because they really aren't endearing

NapOfTheDamned Wed 17-Oct-12 04:39:11

I am concerned about your child.

What is it like for him to have his dad categorizing his mother as
Pure evil
Creature of the night
Bride of Dracula

And to have you calling your new GF an angel from above restoring your faith in womankind....otherwise you will finish with women forever

Equally ludicrous.

This is not romance, this is immaturity and self aggrandizement.
Grow up. It's not all about you. There is a child involved.

Your relationship with his mum failed: you owe it to him to be kind, dignified and grown up, not histrionic and self pitying.

You relationship with another woman is not progressing as fast as you'd like, well, deal with it. If it is strong enough to last,it will cope with a few delays in getting off the ground.

I think you need to have a think about what love means.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 04:39:11

Sorry - just crossed out & added bits as I went? Will see what I can do;

Hyperballad Wed 17-Oct-12 04:45:46

Redline, any reason for starting this new thread instead of continuing the one from a few days ago?

It looks like exactly the same post to me?

Proudnscary Wed 17-Oct-12 04:46:12

Jesus Christ if you actually speak in such flowery, irritating, longwinded, seven-words-when-one-will-do, self-obsessed, bitter, OTT, delusional, cringey language in RL - and call women 'ladies' - then this is what could 'destroy' your relationship with your new angel lady from above...and probably what destroyed your relationship with the 'bride of dracula'.

Softlysoftly Wed 17-Oct-12 04:54:49

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 04:57:51

The reason I wrote that stuff about her Nap? Is because she was (& is) truly evil to me; She (& Her second most recent) BF made death threats against me & my family; She has attacked me & my mother in the street on her doorstep; Done something to me several times that can only be described as female on male R*pe; Committed a Lot of acts of DV on me & beat the hell out of me several times whilst Knowing that due to the operation I had? If I got hit in a certain place? I could Die as I have 2 steel plates in my face; I didn't have a good time with ladies before her but I fell for my ex' originally & spent 6 years with her - I loved her so much & looked after her half the time as she had learning difficulties, trusted people to easily & often ended up in bad situations (lost or in the middle of nowhere with me On the phone guiding her home or working with her parents & the police to get her home safe). I am trying to be dignified & grown up in our court dealings over our child;

I have said nothing & communicated through our briefs - I have attended & she has sabotaged 3 times mediation with her; She & her mother have both said they will not sit in the same Room as me & my family for no reason other than they hate us & our whole family; They have accused me of wanting to kill or hurt my child & I have numerous times had reasons to be concerned when he's returned to me from her with numerous unexplained marks & bruises; I have alerted SS to this numerous times; The list is endless & today when i finally read the final SS report on all this? I found she had often dumped my son on her new BF & let him take care of my son instead of her (cooking, washing, taking to school etc) I also found that sometimes in all this? She had been so drunk (drunk 3 bottles of wine in one go once?) That she was paralytic while my son was there? So I'm right to be not a little concerned no? Also during all that? I didn't see my son due to her (for no reason at all) stopping contact with him for 4 months & 1 week which took in mine & his birthdays & fathers day. I may be a little hurt by all that & thus inclined to be very angry at her yes but it's only on here I say stuff like that & vent give light to some of my true feelings NapoftheDamned - in RL? I often tell our boy "mummy & daddy love you" & ask her to "kiss him goodnight from us both" I'm as civil as I can be to her but? She's hurt me terribly & my whole family to of late (*They*?) didn't see my son for 5 months before we finally sorted out something at court that's ongoing in his case & now? She's trying to ruin that to.

I maybe am a little overdramatic re' my new GF I just feel that I don't want to be kicked in the teeth again as some of my most promising R'ships in the past? Have gone horribly wrong & if it happens again here? I don't know what I'll do though finishing with women? Is prob' not on that list as I was once alone for 4 years & will not do that again. I'm not self-aggrandizing though I admit I might be immature somewhat as other than my ex' & another ex-fiancee before her & (Maybe) this new lady? I've had few long term r'ships in real life so maybe haven't developed as much as I Could of done I know that & having so nearly died 7 years ago (I woke up after the op' went wrong having lost 2 pints of blood & only able to move my little finger? I had to learn to walk, talk, eat, shave the lot from scratch). I maybe lost a little time to develop as quickly as others my age.

Again? I am trying to be kind, dignified & grown up re' my son in my dealings with his mum & I acknowledge our relationship failed badly due to both of us not just her or me alone. All the overtures for peace in this saga re' my son? Have come from me & all? Have been ignored except when they surrender to what she wants & even then? She soon goes back on what is agreed as & when it suits her & her family but complains the minute We? Have a fingernail out of place. I don't pity myself - Just tend to view things after what happened to me 7 years ago in very Strong terms most especially emotions when in my former life before that? I prob' couldn't have cared less about them - now? I take everything each day that I get & try to live it as though It's my last. Sorry if that makes me histronic or overdramatic - I try not to be but maybe come across that way.

I'm not fussed re' my relationship with this other woman progressing slowly - In fact? I prefer that as I often get shy & frightened when progressing with women & become unsure of myself; I'm dealing with it as best I can - I was just asking if I was right to consider all those factors & dislike those behind one of them was all. I did say I was confused no? I fully agree re' if it's strong enough it (our relationship) will cope & get through delays in getting off the ground. I couldn't have put that better myself Miss.

I know what I think love means; I think it means when you & another person are totally at ease with & around & talking to one another . When you think about each other lots; When you're as happy holding hands & cuddling as you are sleeping together etc When you're so in tune? You finish each others sentences, when your thoughts & manners are similar but different when your two halves of the same whole. I think love? Is when you just feel right & click In your head (& theirs) with the person you're with & you (& they) Just Know you belong together. That's what I think love is & I think it's something some people? Are Very lucky to ever find in their lives & that others? Are much the poorer for never having known at all.......

I hope that explains me a little better NapOfTheDamned & sorry if I wrote a little OTT earlier? I had a couple of nasty shocks today & suppose a bit of the anger at my ex' re' our son (who these shocks concerned) was still there & came out when I wrote. As I said? I hope this explains me better & you realise some of why I wrote as I did not that excuses me in the overdramatics stakes...........

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:00:03

Hyperballad? Probably - I found out a few things that really shocked & upset me today & suppose I wanted to somehow include them in there/here.

Sorry proud'n'scary - I've been told I'm to descriptive at times by others; Will have to work on that. Softlysoftly? As I said just now? I was prob' a bit angry/not thinking straight when I wrote that.

Hyperballad Wed 17-Oct-12 05:10:20

Eeek! I can't work out what's new in your post! All seems the same! If you want some continuation of advice it's probably worth posting the new stuff in your old thread. I suggest this as you seemed to have some posters genuinely trying to give you some advice on your last thread.

I am though with the others on here, your language makes me feel nauseous although that could be because it reminds me a but of how my first ever boyfriend wrote. Yuk, cringe!

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:14:47

Look sorry If I appear & sound confused re all this? I am confused you're prob'right in some ways NapoftheDamned - I do need to learn (by thinking about it) what love is & means to me - I've done my best to describe how I feel for this new GF to you & think that's what Love feels like - I guess I just want to be happy & I'm not getting any younger so was just asking for advice on how to best keep that happiness was all? I've been hurt terribly & treated very badly by someone I thought I Really Loved & Did love enough to have a child with in the past & despite it all? I am Very grateful to her for the son she gave me & always will be;

I just wish she wouldn't be acting like she hates me & mine So much & doing her level best to make me submit to all she wants in relation to our child & doing her level best to Not negotiate bar when I totally submit &/or she can blacken/damage me & My familys names is all; I suppose I do hate her now for what she's done/is doing but I have almost never shown that in front of DS - I'm fully aware of what effect it would have on him & have been to several parenting courses that have reinforced that fact so I know very well the necessity of him Not seeing what me & his mum think of each other now. As to me? Basically I just want to be happy & feel very confused right now. Is that so wrong? I've never been happy in love with someone for a long time (& it has nothing to do with how fast a r'ship progresses - rather how solid it feels); I just want that happiness & it to last & that is why I wrote on here. I hope that explains me a bit better.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:17:22

Sorry Hyper' I just believe & was brought up in being polite to women & thus sometimes call them ladies - I prob' read far to many historical novels with that sort of language in to lol I'm a real book fanatic so prob' sound a little old-fashioned idiotic at times. The new bits are what I found about the CBR checks & what I found out re' the SS & my ex' being drunk around our child as well as the True extent of how many allegations she's hurled at me via the courts of late & How Much they're holding me & the new GF up. Hold on - will look up my old thread. Thanks for talking

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:20:53

Yes see what you mean now Hyper - sorry should have prob' put this in the old (Sept'?) thread. Didn't realise was to lazy to look that one was about; I might put some of this stuff in that then later. Am a little tired now so will prob' make a warm cuppa - listen to the rain launching down in our local town (yet again) on the windows & try to sleep for a few hours before dawn & our last but one Court Date re' my boy tomorrow/later today. Thanks for answering Miss.

corblimeymadam Wed 17-Oct-12 05:25:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler Wed 17-Oct-12 05:42:14

You've got one hell of a madonna/whore complex going on there.

Strawhatpirate Wed 17-Oct-12 05:44:32

Have you at any point contacted the police when your xp attacked you? I think you are setting yourself up for a fall by thinking of the new lady as angelic and a creature of pure elemental good. She has flaws like everyone else. The real world isn't like dungeons and dragons in which you can just asign someone an alignment. For instance xp is chaotic evil, new dp is neutral good.

Strawhatpirate Wed 17-Oct-12 05:46:32

Exactly Chubfuddler! The entire thing seems a bit histrionic

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:46:46

I agree re' the take a breath Belgian - I suppose? I didn't just come onto MN to talk (though I do a lot of that) I know I have problems emotionally am a bit of an emotional Child in truth? I suppose I came on here to learn also - I'm impatient, have trouble moving on from the past at times, use to many words to articulate myself & use random emphasis - all of which I've been told here & will now work on - I guess I came on as much to learn as anything else?

I need to learn to chill out & as you say "don't ramble, spend time with her etc" & it will "fall into place if meant to?" see you can say in about 9 words what I can't in 9 paragraphs? (shakes head); I'm starting to see I think that only I can ensure my own future happiness whereas before? It used to be me thinking it did depend on others (& clearly still is at times).

Takes breath & composes self

My sons future happiness? What do you think I should do then? As I've said? I've made many sensible suggestions re' him to the ex' & had them all rejected out of hand - I've not for a Long time now expressed what I really think of her in public never mind in front of my son, I've done my level best to work with her &? She's thrown it all back in my face; I just want my boy to live with her if she's going to be his primary carer as she's indicated - see me at agreed times between the two of us that cannot be messed with & be happy with his mummy & his daddy. Simple concept no? It's us the parents that are making it hard.............And breathe.

Don't mind if I do Belgian biscuit and wine (sips guiltily & munches biscuit) TY for those Miss; You know I think more than other stuff? I think I need to find my sense of humour once more - I'm to serious at times or I think I sound like that no? I'm learning here a lot about myself & others; Slowly but? I am learning & more? I'm enjoying the process so will say thanks MN so far.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 05:50:59

As I said Chubfuddler? I was a bit angry still when I wrote the original post here; In truth? I'm not quite as angry at the ex' as I indicated then - I was just very angry at her about something & I do have doubts re' the new lady Strawhatpirate - hence things going slowly as much by me as her - There's at least one thing about her flaw in her nature I've noticed that could spell trouble if things advance.

I know re' the dungeons & dragons thing - I've just tended to have feelings at one extreme or the other in the past 7 years is all but in the end? They settle in the middle normally edging towards one way or the other. I was a bit OTT in the first post I get that - I've calmed down & can be a bit more dispassionate now.

And re' the XP & the police? Yes a couple of times. I most certainly have.

As I've said? Sorry if I sound childish/extreme at times in my feelings? I guess I'm learning how to be emotionally mature in a way many other people did long ago - I had a long time out recovering a while back so am still catching up in some ways. MN has helped me a lot in that respect whilst opening my eyes and making me ashamed of my sex in certain others.

peedoffbird Wed 17-Oct-12 06:06:00

Why is everyone being so harsh? OP your first post was a nightmare but your others have been more heartfelt if still too long. If the factual stuff he says about his ex is true then she is pretty grim and this is possible! He sounds caring and emotionally literate if a bit over romantic but that is no crime. Yet again another case of treating a man differently because he is a man.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 06:07:29

BTW? I don't think of the ex' as a creature of darkness - just a misguided girl child woman who whilst when she's good is or can appear to be? Very good? When she's bad? Goes totally off the rails & whose temper & actions swing wildly between those two in RL - I know my feelings seem like that to but the crucial difference is? I don't Act that way in RL; There's still things I admire about her - she's a truly fantastic cook for instance & has a very nice way with little ones when she wants to play with/work with them but the negatives? More than outweigh all that more's the pity......

Equally? I don't think of the new woman as a creature of pure light & elemental good - that was probably my overactive imagination heart & the true warmth of my feelings for her (whose strength is surprising even me so long is it since I felt like this) speaking somewhat over common sense. She's clever, pretty & very nice to talk to/get on with yes but? She has a bit of a temper & does not like being questioned (that flaw I mentioned earlier?) either. So yes I know she's just human - they both are; They're not perfect anymore than I or you are; None of us are - it's what Makes us unique individuals.

Anyway? I just think if I get the chance? I'll enjoy learning about the new Lady & growing into whatever it is we're building together hand in hand & walking into our future together is all & that? Is all I really want - to be quiet & happy & bring my son up as best I can for a good few years & work with the ex' to give my son the best most stable & rewarding upbringing we can despite all the bad blood - I know I seem extreme at times when writing on here when not clear-headed but in truth? That is how I feel behind it all & always have..............

Breathes & sips wine again. Baby steps as the new lady would (& does) say.

Strawhatpirate Wed 17-Oct-12 06:08:11

Make sure you keep contacting the police! it will be of vital importance because then you can show a pattern of behavior. My stepfather went through a very long and messy custody battle with his unstable xw so I know these things are absolutely horrendous. Please try and focus! Ultimately things will either work out with "new lady" or not. If they don't I'm sure you'll find someone lovely but this time inbetween angel and hellspawn.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 06:15:57

TY Peedoffbird - I'm not going to have a go at anyone as I recognise my first post was bad but hope they can be reasonable with me thereafter as despite being overdescriptive? I did try & be a little more evenhanded;

Anyway? I'm glad you are being reasonable to me Miss. Yes I'm an over-romantic & I often think I do care to much in RL - 'tis one of my weaknesses I think. And yes the ex' is every bit as bad as I said at her very worst - The factual stuff was all true sad; At times? She's been much, much worse in fact; Grim? Doesn't come close to describing her. But I loved her very much once; I still regret the loss of our happy little family sometimes though more for my son now than due to missing her but still? It's a terrible shame it came to this.

Suppose it's summed up by something that happened earlier this year? I was invited to a couple of friends wedding (to each other) in the summer which would had we stayed together? Have been a double wedding with me & the ex' after all 4 of us got engaged 2 & a half years ago? Gutted doesn't come close to how upset I was that day not going & knowing the wedding was happening without ours? So yes I think deep down? I still feel something for my child's mother & always will sad sad;

Treating me differently as a man? I don't know - I've had some very nice responses on here before but not many angry or questioning ones so suppose I was overdue a bit of a tonguelashing somewhere down the line; Still I'll take my medicine - 'tis the ways of learning MN & emotionally growing up no? And I've still got much to learn I know that....

TY again anyway Miss; Means a lot to read your words POB. thanks

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 06:21:15

TY for telling me that Strawhatpirate - I will do as you say then & keep the pattern logged with the police though I don't See her much in person now bar when picking up/dropping off DS? Is mainly barrages I get down the phone or via FB rather than the horrendous batterings I used to take in person from her when she Knew I wouldn't hit back until one day? I did & then? I knew we had to break up - and a few months later? I made damn sure we did. TY for telling me re' your SF - I recognise these battles are horrendous to (as the one I'm in is proving right now);

I'm totally focused right now on completing the court case re' my son & setting all contact in stone now however she tries to sabotage it & yes the SS & police do have details of how she's attacked me in the past & the SW in his report? Recommended not only that my contact be set in stone but further? Joint Residence re' DS between me & her so I think as much as he Can be? He's on my/our families side. After that as Belgian said earlier? I'll spend time with the new lady & see where things go after we talk & meet a bit more. If not? As you say I'm sure someone lovely but more inbetween will be there somewhere. 'tis just a matter of finding her..........

Thanks for replying & taking time to talk to me Miss; I appreciate it thanks

Proudnscary Wed 17-Oct-12 06:21:18

Oh give us a break peedoff - was just waiting for someone to start bleating about posters treating men differently.

I'd feel/say exactly the same if it was a woman talking waxing lyrical about her new 'saintly knight in shining armour' (not to mention the bolding, strikeouts, question marks) in an over-long, self-absorbed way.

It is ludicrous, dangerous and entirely unhelpful to see partners/potential partners as either the devil incarnate or angels of purity and light.

And, err, got anything useful to advise the OP rather than berating responses, since you are so concerned about him?

peedoffbird Wed 17-Oct-12 06:39:28

Thanks for that Proud. just my own opinion after all.

brrbrrwinteriscoming Wed 17-Oct-12 06:50:06

oh dear god, i dont think i will even bother. if you come across in RL as annoying as you do via the keyboard then good luck with your new gf!

Chubfuddler Wed 17-Oct-12 06:52:35

Yup, what proud said. I have a long but mostly deleted history of telling posters if both sexes to grow the fuck up.

BalloonSlayer Wed 17-Oct-12 06:53:07

2 observations.


"My new ... Lady has got very upset re' her job context when I've spoken about what's gone on re' me & ex' & our son along the lines of "how can you put me in this position hearing all this - do you know what I deal with like that every day at work?" "

She doesn't sound very nice there.


"She's recently told me when we begin our relationship proper ... that I (due to her Job) will have to have extended CRB checks carried out not just on me but my entire family & even house If she were to be staying there regularly with me (even though only me & fortnightly my DS live there right now) further? "

Sounds like a crock of shit to me. The only instance I have heard of partners having to have a CRB check at all is if you are a childminder, because the partner is going to be in the same house as the mindees. This sounds like to me that

a) she thinks you are all a bit dodgy and is a bit scared of you all and is trying to get you to get checked out under false pretences to reassure herself.

or, more likely

b) her job is something to do with drugs and she is talking about some other sort of police check to do with drug use/dealing and she is suspicious of you due to the painkiller problem

Either way, she comes across as not anything like as much into you as you are into her.

You are seeing this relationship with her - which isn't even sexual yet is it? - as the love of your life. I think she sees it as "nice bloke but too strong too soon and waaaaay too much baggage."

Sorry sad

Proudnscary Wed 17-Oct-12 06:59:59

Well I repeat Peed - what advice are you offering the OP rather than just throwing out a unsubstantiated, lame-arse 'you're all man haters' nonsense and huffing about being allowed to have your opinion?

There is a slight chance that the OP will take notice of the many responses saying he does not come across well. And I mean really doesn't come across well. I think he is more than likely scaring off his 'lady' friend with his excessive personality so it might actually be useful for him to receive some tough feedback and embark on some inward looking.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:05:28

Balloon? Not the love of my life - just someone I have quite some regard for - Think she might have said it best actually when she said I've had a bad time in the past so possibly seize on any affection like a shark does blood;

As to your points?

A) Maybe she is getting me checked out under pretences but I'm not bothered - I've nothing to hide & she'll find nothing other than the recent paper tiger barrage of accusations from my ex';

B) Her job? Not sure she Has come across some very nasty characters in it involving quite possibly some who've used drugs & have attacked/threatened people AFAIK; She's definitely suspicious re' the PK's

As to her not being into me? She is the one who first wrote to me ever out of the two of us & She is the one who said she was "falling in love with you (me)" right out of the blue only a month or so ago on the phone to me; No it's not sexual yet (the r'ship) some closeness & hand holding & hugging is all but is nice like that - I enjoy that sort of closeness as much as sex; I don't as I said? See her/this as the love of my life yet - That? is for the/our future to determine - I do however see this as a Vast improvement on much of what has gone before with me - And yes she's told me I've come on strong at times before but then in the next phone call? She will start asking me about how I'd be if she was staying over at my house with me however many times each month & how I'd be with her getting used to living with me/at each others homes so not all one way no?

We shall see - you may be right - you may not? Time will tell as it always does. For now? She's made me happier in many respects than I have been for a long, long time & that? Is more than enough for me for

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:09:09

Proud'? I've said elsewhere on here? Tough feedback does/has helped & yes Inward looking is something I've done a lot since joining MN - not just re' me but men as a whole? Honestly I'm ashamed of my sex sometimes with half the stuff I read about going on behind closed doors on here with you ladies & marvel that you even go near us never mind live with & raise families with us; To say we all (men) need to grow up emotionally in many cases? Is an understatement & I feel really sorry for all the posters who suffer the levels of Abuse & Violence I've sometimes read about on here & ashamed that is often men behind it though not always as I'm only to aware.

Anyway Proud? It matters not - I prob' deserved a couple of smacks on the wrist after that car-crash OP (my first Really bad one on MN after about 7 so not a bad ratio no?).

I was a bit tired, emotional & angry/all mixed up when I wrote it so prob' went OTT I admit that the bolding is me emphasising words - I know it's wrong but have done it for so long now? It's an ingrained habit I find hard to stop - the strikeouts is me getting rid of inappropriate answers & looking for better ones - the question marks? Didn't notice that but will have a look now.

I've explained how I really see my ex' & potential partner & hope that was clearer & a little more concise?

Just to say as I said above a little - Being on MN is helping me a lot about being in tune with my emotions & unlike many blokes & poss' due to some of what I've suffered? I don't see sex as the be-all & end all in a r'ship In fact? My favourite parts are often cuddling/holding hands/just holding one another & the closeness - in fact? I feel what use is sex without closeness so prob' why I sound so intense? I just want someone who feels comfortable with both & I know that's rare or harder for men to express/we don't normally so may scare off some ladies in RL from me.

Further? Being on here has really opened my eyes to what goes on behind closed doors in RL & in truth? I'm amazed you wonderful, sensitive & caring women (in many cases I've read about but both sexes? Have their bad ones to)? Even think of putting up with us & humbled at the sacrifices some of you make - I've learnt far more being on here than I ever did on a hundred other forums so again? Thanks for being part of my teaching & learning process; I Only hope other men read & learn in the same way on here - I really think in the end? MN might open their eyes if only they'd take time to look...........

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:10:58

Chub'? Appreciate that & will try to grow up - think I need to anyhow.

Winteriscoming? Sorry you feel that way; I just have trouble sometimes expressing myself via 2 or 3 words at times & end up (unnecessarily) using 12 or 13 & I know it annoys people but am now trying to work on that & learn how to change. May take a while but am willing to try.......

MadgeHarvey Wed 17-Oct-12 07:11:23

Do you think you could maybe stop it with the bolding? Why are you doing that on words that don't even warrant it? Your posts are almost impossible to read - I've done so twice now and still have no idea what you're on about. What are you on about?

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:12:55

Sorry old (& bad) habit Madge - don't know why I do it in truth; Used to do it at uni' to annoy someone as a joke & it just kind of stuck? Bad habit & hard to unlearn but can try I suppose.......

MadgeHarvey Wed 17-Oct-12 07:17:44

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I think you need to step back a bit and calm down.
Your ex is not the devil incarnate, she may not be being a nice person to you but she may have reason for that. She is still your sons mother and you owe it to him to try and get along/ be civil. I realise that's easier said than done but as long as he doesn't hear or feel your animosity towards her then it's ok to rant occasionally. Just try to not make your rants so long!
I would give the same advice to a woman. Please try and not use such flowery language, it seems as though your emotional maturity is learnt from epic romance novels and good v evil where love conquers all etc - life isn't really like that. What's in films and books are fiction and may have an element of truth but is elaborated truth so try not to elaborate your own life into a work of fiction.
I think you need to see out this court case and get help from the police, perhaps a councillor to help you deal with the dv and almost (?) rape. I think you could also do with some councilling with regards to your emotional maturity and basis in reality, it's not healthy to start having grand delusions of good v evil.
Your new love interest may well be the 'one' and if that's so then you can work through this together but maybe you're coming on too strong.
I don't really know what to suggest except to calm down, seek help and guidance from professionals, see your son and make him the centre point of your universe and try and go easy on new dp, try not to be so intense. It might put her off sad

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:21:30

Well I can't edit my Old posts can I? So will just have to start as I mean to go on no? And as to you not understanding what I said or being able to answer? 'tis your choice Miss. I've always been overly descriptive though & enjoyed using all the options available (underscores/faces/symbols etc) while typing - (a hangover from an overly artistic childhood I think) & whilst I can quite easily not use the symbols etc? Changing the Way I write to be Far less expressive? May take a little longer. The other posters on here had few problems answering though so maybe some people knew what I was saying? Sorry if I upset you with the way I wrote. blush

MadgeHarvey Wed 17-Oct-12 07:23:42

You really have no need to apologise to me. It would take way more than several badly written and incomprehensible posts to upset me. The very fact that you think you need to apologise - that you assume you've upset me seems to me indicative of your wider problems. I wonder if you might need to just get a grip?

TandB Wed 17-Oct-12 07:24:14

I agree with previous posters about the way you present this whole situation. It's not remotely compatible with a mature, adult relationship and you are probably putting this woman off hugely every time you launch into what reads like some sort of medieval courtly-love type waffle.

I suspect that when she asks you about the court case, what she wants to here is "fine, thanks. We've got a hearing next week and we've made some progress" but what she actually gets is a massive rant about "devil spawn ex" and lists of allegations, and she is probably thinking "I can't get mixed up in something this messy."

Try to run this new relationship like an adult and not a fantasy-obsessed teenager and you might get somewhere.

TandB Wed 17-Oct-12 07:25:59

Oh and stop calling people "miss". It's patronising. It's like you are talking to little girls.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:29:26

TY Jazz' & I admitted I was a bit OTT in my first post? I have tried to calm down a little since then - I don't see my ex' as the devil as I stated a little up this page? I do try & get along with her & be civil but she does not make it easy believe me? I try not to let my boy ever see or feel my anger/animosity towards her as much as I am able to protect him from that; Haha re' the rants will try & take a meataxe to them in future.

Sorry re' the language - you have a point re' the novels - I've read Far to many in truth & prob' took an element of language from them & no my emotional maturity isn't learnt from them though? It's not there IMO - I'm not emotionally mature I'll admit that & maybe this part of my life? Is me attaining that maturity albeit far behind many others my age. I know re' the element of truth - books are very good at taking that & elaborating on it often to ridiculous levels at times.

I've nearly seen out the court case now? 2nd to last hearing today & Final one of all? In 3 weeks so fingers crossed; I've had help from the police re' the DV & might ask about a councillor re' the (almost) r*pe (is it sexual assault in this country? I just don't know & will prob' have real trouble talking about it I think - it's hard enough admitting it happened on here behind a keyboard - God knows what it would be like in RL). I agree re' my emotional maturity but my basis in reality? Is grounded quite well I think - the 'delusions' of good v evil? Were only me speaking at an extreme when angry? I'm not normally like that as I've said & a few more lucid details of what I think re' my ex' & the (poss') new lady? Are further up on this page I think.

I think the love interest might be the 'one' I admit that & hope we can work through this together & yes I can see now looking at it the way people on here have or have asked me to? That I think I'm coming on to strong & will try to lessen that a bit; I'm calmer now - sorry re' the OP - I know it's a bit of a carcrash but was angry & not thinking straight when I wrote it; I'll look to see what I can do with professionals in future; TY re' the advice on my son & new DP - he's always been my centre point of my whole life & always will; I'll try & learn to be less intense re' new DP & see how we go - She said it best I think? We'll go back to her "baby steps" & see just where they lead.........

RedHelenB Wed 17-Oct-12 07:34:09

Agree with Ballooon, sorry. She's looking for excuses to slow things down, a CRB check is only to do with HER & work. I would really cool things till after the court case & then say "look, this is me, this is my life are we giving it a go or not?" Some people enjoy things more in the abstract than the reality & I've a feeling this relationship for her might be.

EugenesAxe Wed 17-Oct-12 07:36:07

I came back to this. First time I read three sentences and was so annoyed by the ingratiating and very overdone 'MN' style of your writing that I had to sign off. It felt as though it was a windup.

I am struggling to identify your four AIBU but I suspect any issues you have with your ex will pale into insignificance in terms of whether your relationship will survive, next to your needy persona and inability to write. Sorry that's very blunt, but most men and women want parity in a relationship, ie. a partner who is strong enough to hold you both up should it be necessary. I don't get that impression of you and I would certainly want to hear your ex's version of events.

Almost every sentence was a question FFS! But am I reading it right, what with the CRB point, that your ex has accused you of one of sexual or physical abuse of her and/or your child and your 'new angel' (age won't matter BTW) wants this cleared before you can get on with things? If its rubbish then obviously your ex IBU in making these insinuations. However I would be uncomfortable silencing any accusation like that and would rather depend on 'the truth will out'.

Proudnscary Wed 17-Oct-12 07:38:27

Arrrrrgghh OP we are not 'wonderful, sensitive, caring women' (well some of us are, some of the time - but we're people, good/bad/funny/grumpy/harsh/compassionate - whatever whatever). We're also not 'miss's' or 'ladies.

You should not be 'humbled' by us (this big homogeneous group of wonderful female-ness) and ashamed of your sex in a grovelling and misplaced and OTT way.

Please, for the love of God, see that this is extremely off-putting for women.

It achieves the exact opposite of what I assume you are trying to achieve ie to come across as a caring, sensitive kinda guy who respects women. It actually makes me feel you think of women as Different Beings who you can't really relate to and have to categorise and put into boxes. As Chub said, you have one hell of a Madonna/Whore complex.

OTheHideousManateesOfMadness Wed 17-Oct-12 07:39:40

Like a couple of others have said, I think this CRB thing is a load of bollocks. You don't have to give details of family generally unless you're going for high level government security clearance! And even then it's just names and where you've lived. And TBH I'd be a bit jumpy about getting all hot and heavy with someone who is one minute saying 'I think I'm falling in love with you' when you're really only having a phone relationship, and the next minute lying to you.

I get that you've had a rough time and your ex/DS situation sounds really difficult. But IMO the best advice you've had on this thread is to take a breath, calm down and try to take a step back from everything instead of swinging to the emotional extreme. Your ex is not the devil, this new woman sounds a bit iffy, your situation is really difficult and it might be worth just cooling things off and trying to take really good care of yourself (and your DS when you have him) until the court case is decided.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:39:52

Sorry Kungfupanda re' the Miss? Is another habit of old - I am trying to run the r'ship like an adult now & recognise where & how I've been going wrong reading all this back? I think Proud' earlier was right & the constructive criticism on here? has helped me a lot in locating what is going wrong/where I am mucking up a bit;

Also? I don't know if anyone's noticed or I've said it but she can be just as emotional & hot tempered as me as well as long winded & sometimes? I've had a few spectacular rants in my FB inbox from her so 'tis not all one way.

Yes I thought that re' the delaying tactics to RedHelenB? I had thought that a little re' the checks & her work re' how were they to do with me? I've cooled things now a bit & we've not spoke since last week in truth; Anyway? I might wait a couple of weeks or only speak once or twice casually in the meantime & then as you say?

I'll probably Tell her "this is me take it or leave it" after all? She was the one who looked me up & I never hid anything about me from her. By abstract rather than reality do you mean she prefers the idea of it more than what it actually would be like? If so? I'm sadly beginning to agree with you a little underneath it all but again? We shall see............

CelineMcBean Wed 17-Oct-12 07:45:44

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ZombTEE Wed 17-Oct-12 07:50:50

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MadgeHarvey Wed 17-Oct-12 07:56:51

Since you are clearly not listening to anyone regarding the unnecessary bolding of inconsequential words in your posts I think it's safe to assume you're not actually listening to anything else that's being said to you. Is there a reason for that?

BiscuitNibbler Wed 17-Oct-12 07:59:10

I couldn't read all of your posts, but what I have gleaned is that you don't really like women.

For that reason, the new "angel" should run for the hills.

ShutTheFrontDoor Wed 17-Oct-12 08:01:31

Stop making irrelevant words bold
Stop ending every sentence with a ? And a no?
Please, it is fucking annoying.

ShutTheFrontDoor Wed 17-Oct-12 08:02:02

Ps no advice on your situation as your posts are too annoying to read.

ThreeWheelsGood Wed 17-Oct-12 08:04:02

I think you think question marks as punctuation convey something different from what they actually do. Stop overusing them and your posts will be easier to understand. This whole thread is a mess, you really shouldn't be getting into a serious relationship now by the sounds of it.

mistlethrush Wed 17-Oct-12 08:08:48

If you want your relationship with this person to continue, I suggest that you ask them to simply wait (or carry on as you are at present) until the Court case is sorted and at that point see where you both are. But I wouldn't say any more about the Case to her unless prompted and then keep it low-key, factual and brief.

Re all the checks - I don't know when checks might be required, but if this is more than is usual, it doesn't suggest that she trusts you which is a funny way to be starting a relationship.

I would concentrate on getting a stable future for you and your son as the number one priority for the moment.

On a completely unrelated and much more lighthearted note, you come across as Australian with all of those question marks. Try using some commas and full stops instead as it interferes with reading the content of what you have written if you have to keep on putting an upward inflection at the end of nearly all of the sentences, and you often use a ? when it is not actually required. grin

GhostShip Wed 17-Oct-12 08:14:17

What the fuck... Start writing succinct and to the point posts otherwise people aren't going to be able to help with all your waffling

ManifestingMingeHooHoosAgain Wed 17-Oct-12 08:21:50

I'm with BalloonSlayer. I haven't seen your other thread.

But the CRB stuff sounds like total bollocks, and as a woman I would run a mile to not get embroiled in all this. Especially if I felt there was a potential conflict of interests with my job.

Cut your losses and move on.

brrbrrwinteriscoming Wed 17-Oct-12 08:22:13

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Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 08:25:40

TY all for your advice some brutally honest & some not? I'll do my best to take note of it & see where I am when next I post - I'll come back when & as things happen & events move along & yes I'll try & correct my more annoying habits by then - And just to say to those who think I hate women & the mother of my child ala CelineMcbean? Try & read my later posts after the OP? I think the fact I said I think "deep down I'll always have some love for my childs mum" is a clue as to otherwise yes?

Further the "revolting, mysogynistic" language you refer to? Was only in My OP when I was not in a good mood whilst typing? Why do you have to turn my dislike for One woman whose treated me & my family awfully into some perceived hatred by me of all women? It's not like that at all & deep down? I do have some care for her & always will - she gave me a son - not something that I'll ever forget & I did love her once - very very much.

And no I don't hate women Biscuitnibbler - far from it; I've just been treated brutally & hurt terribly by one I loved & had a child with so am bound to be a little upset as it shows in my OP. Haha Mistlethrush - I'm not an Aussie - far from it; Half English Half Scots in fact.

Proud'n'Scary? I'm not humbled by all women how could I be after what ex' put me through? I just meant it amazes & sometimes really upsets me what some people can do to others they claim to love & care for & I've noticed a big amount of those doing these things? Have been men is all hence? We (men) have a lot to learn in some respects.

I agree re' what you said re' my r'ship? it is basically on hold re' the court case & I agree I don't think she entirely trusts me & is holding back a little which is why I've felt a bit reticent despite liking her as I do of late; My son is & always Was my main priority of that you need not worry.

Anyway? Will go now & thanks again for all your advice - I leave a chastened but perhaps wiser man; I was just very confused before but am a little less so now with all this help & good advice? Anyway? I'll now do my best to put it to good use & unconfuse my self a bit more & see where that & concentrating on my son takes me. I hope to speak to you all from a happier place when next I'm back. See you all soon & take care as Othehideous said? I'm now going to step back, take a breath & digest all I've learned; Yes Madge - I'll listen to & read & take in all I've read here & see what I can do about acting on it - Then? Time will tell what happens next.........

Goodbye for now & thanks all for your answers whatever they said.

Take Care.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 08:27:51

I'm trying to change Winteriscoming - That was part of the point of me coming on here? And I've learned a lot to say the least. I can but say I'll do my best & keep in mind all I've learned. Anyway - thanks for responding. I'm sorry if you didn't like how I come across & write - I'll do my best to change that in future & make my posts more readable.

Anyway I have to go now so bye for now & thanks for reading me today.

LineRunner Wed 17-Oct-12 08:29:25

If it was a woman posting this, I would suggest taking a break from relationships, having some counselling, and focusing on reducing the extremes of emotions for the sake of the child.

LFCisTarkaDahl Wed 17-Oct-12 08:31:45

you need boundaries around your life.

1. remain entirely factual with your girlfriend. Simply tell her that the allegations are untrue (don't go on and on justifying it, it makes you sound unhinged).
2. Get the contact with your son sorted, push for a court date, push for neutral venues to pick your son up, push for a third party (like a contact centre to do contact) - all this with your solicitor, not your ex.
3. Don't talk to your ex again - no phone calls, no emails, only through solicitors - normally I'd never say this but your relationship with her sounds very unhealthy. It's not your business and you shouldn't know about the 'succession' of men in your girlfriends life - distance, distance, DISTANCE
4. Don't try and make your new relationship serious until you have your child sorted out.
5. YES - she will need to CRB you, that's perfectly normal now - I would do the same if I was falling for someone who appeared to be involved in court cases, or with the police - it's not to do with 'trust' it's to do with her job and her kid

6. You wrote this at 4 in the morning - get more sleep, talk less crap, get up for your job, go to work, work hard, push for a court date and talk about your ex a lot less. You need to disconnect from your ex - take all roads to that position, you dedicated a 1000 words to her - get therapy or talk to a friend - you need to MOVE AWAY emotionally from her, you are still too tangled up.

hth smile

CelineMcBean Wed 17-Oct-12 08:34:43

You clearly read as well as you write.

DinosaursOnASpaceship Wed 17-Oct-12 08:34:52

To me, your posts are full of red flags (regarding you) including the way you speak about your ex, allegations made against you, the whole court thing, the strength of your feelings for a very new relationship, sounds like an addiction to painkillers etc - if I was the 'new woman' I would run a mile.

Arthurfowlersallotment Wed 17-Oct-12 08:36:35


Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 08:36:51

TY LFC - it does help;

Cheers for writing all that & will do my best to abide by/follow it. smile

OK? Really Do have to go now so bye & will write again soon. Thanks all.

fluffyraggies Wed 17-Oct-12 08:45:39

Goodness. I scan read and have really struggled with your posts redline.

I wish there was a 'sum up' button to press on the keyboard.

I second the idea that, in your case, you need to get the relationship with your son sorted before worrying toooo much about the new woman.

It sounds from your posts like your head is a scary place to be at the moment. Have you tried any deep relaxation, like yoga or meditation?

I'd so love to help you more, but i haven't been able to read your posts properly and need to out now as well! I'll try again later.

Stay with us OP.

INeedThatForkOff Wed 17-Oct-12 08:51:36

I think you need to step away from the parenthesising and consider this: do you think your new DP (PP?!) has had second thoughts on the relationship having got to know you better? Not intending to cause offence, but she may just feel you're not as well suited as she first thought. This is something that has happened to me in the past, having been drawn in by a man far too quickly, only to realise later that I hadn't given myself chance to weigh his qualities against his flaws.

Ultimately the woman you've been seeing could be back-pedalling furiously to extract herself from a relationship she's not so sure about. You need to have a conversation about the future of your relationship (and after 8 months you wouldn't be U to want to know if there is a future. But you need to lose the florid language - if you used it with me I'm afraid I'd have run for the hills by now!

missvague Wed 17-Oct-12 08:55:37

Does your keyboard have . and , on it?

As others have said; grow up, sort yourself out and focus on doing your best for your son.

brrbrrwinteriscoming Wed 17-Oct-12 09:01:52

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hopkinette Wed 17-Oct-12 09:08:23

Can you not just write your post directly into the box instead of writing it in Word and copypasting it? I think that's why your formatting is fucked (all the ???? everywhere).

Fecklessdizzy Wed 17-Oct-12 09:16:32

Er ... What was the question again?

Sorry but I actually read the whole thing and I have no idea what it is ( apart from punctuation ) that you need help with!

Adversecamber Wed 17-Oct-12 10:44:32

I read your first post, but felt too exhausted to read further posts.

I am concerned that you see women either as angels and devils. Extremism is offputting in any sphere of life.

Regardless of what campaign your ex has against you if I was involved with a man and had a child the child would always come first so I do understand where your new GF is coming from.

She may also be wary because she would be taking on someone with a huge amount of baggage. We all have our baggage to carry about but it can be off putting.

geegee888 Wed 17-Oct-12 10:48:54

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geegee888 Wed 17-Oct-12 10:58:28

I'm also aghast and astonished that you can claim to hold down a job as a teacher without the skill of summarising, never mind holding back all that psychological distress while dealing with children.

corblimeymadam Wed 17-Oct-12 11:04:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShutTheFrontDoor Wed 17-Oct-12 11:24:45

A teacher, oh my god. I hadn't read that as my eyes started bleeding halfway through the first essay.
Please let it not be English.

Op you say you are taking things on board and listening to advice. A lot of people have asked you to stop using bold and stop ending all your sentences in question marks.
I repeat it is fucking annoying, no?

BloodRedAlienReflux Wed 17-Oct-12 11:25:19

Blimey!! Your Ex sounds like a bloody nightmare, but you don't seem like a walk in the park either!!
LFC has some great advice listen
Only thing i have to add, is your new 'angel from heaven' is trying to give you the brush off my son.
Back right off and chill the fuck out.

coppertop Wed 17-Oct-12 11:28:32

I think you need to take a break from relationships for a while. If the woman you've been seeing/not seeing is really interested then she will be happy to give you some time and space.

In the meantime you should work on the two main issues here. The court case with your ex and your problem with painkillers. You need to get your life on a more even keel, for your son's sake as much as yours.

MikeOxardForHalloween Wed 17-Oct-12 12:05:24

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MakeItALarge Wed 17-Oct-12 12:24:42

I have tried to read your posts.
Firstly, question marks should only be used when asking a direct question, not when making a statement you want someone to agree with.

Second, where is your son in this mess? You talk about your women but poor ds barely warrants a mention.

You need some therapy or councelling to talk some of your issues through, I dont mean that to be rude but you have a lot going on emotionally, chance to talk it through and gain some perspective may help. Get help with the painkillers, Im not sure what youre on but some of these are scarily addictive!

With regards to your new woman, I honestly dont think you should be in a relationship. My ex had a similar situation with his child and would talk about it endlessly. I tried to be supportive but listening to hours and hiurs of stories about 'the bitch ex' is not fun for any woman. Personally I have a hell of a lot more respect for a man when he shows respect for the women he has been with. While youre ex is living in your head you cannot forge a strong relationship with another woman, you need time and space. Why the rush for a relationship anyway? It sounds like you have been through the mill a bit, go out with male and female friends, have some fun dates with unsuitable women!

I think this woman has some ishooos herself, crb checks for your extended family, wtaf? Cut all contact for a while, if you stay with her now there is a damn good chance it will explode in your face. Give it a few months, get yourself in a good place then, if youre both still intrested, take her out and fgs have fun

maras2 Wed 17-Oct-12 12:34:51

I may be wrong but I thought that the new woman had been a teacher prior to her new job which required an extended CRB check.Please God let it not be OP.

MakeItALarge Wed 17-Oct-12 12:39:08

Just noticed after re-reading your op that you are in court today regarding access to your ds; I am absolutly horrified that this mess with your new 'dp' was what you were worrying about in the hours before court!

Callmecordelia Wed 17-Oct-12 12:58:08

Oh dear lord. Are you a teacher? Get away from the keyboard, get some counselling, sort out what you want from life and get a more realistic view of the world.

I wanted to type something more constructive, but I genuinely cannot read all of your post.

Please stop all the flipping question marks, bolding, strike throughs etc.

glastocat Wed 17-Oct-12 13:10:17

My eyes hurt.

KellyElly Wed 17-Oct-12 14:17:27

Are you Russell Brand? smile

brrbrrwinteriscoming Wed 17-Oct-12 14:59:20

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CelineMcBean Wed 17-Oct-12 15:25:45

hahaha I thought of that thread too.

porcamiseria Wed 17-Oct-12 15:35:02

I think you have made new woman into a fairy princess, and risen her to elevated levels, she is only human

I think she is rght to be worried by PK addiction issues too

I would advise getting yourself sorted and custody issues adressed as a priority TBH

I (and am reading here) dont get vibes you are really ready for a relatonship

WorraLiberty Wed 17-Oct-12 15:44:03

Oh for fuck's (sake?) this is such an annoying way to (type?). How do you manage to keep doing (it?). I would love to have read the content but it's impossible thanks

Tallerthanaveragethanks Wed 17-Oct-12 15:49:40

Sounds like you need to see Furio's Mum. She'll sort you heart out.

CelineMcBean Wed 17-Oct-12 16:12:07

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Iodine Wed 17-Oct-12 16:58:30

I wish I could add something helpful to this thread I really do but I fell asleep after the first paragraph.

Can I offer you two words of wisdom? Be concise.

XiCi Wed 17-Oct-12 17:49:23

You should be concentrating on your son instead of fucking around with dating sites. If your ex's behaviour towards him is half as bad as you are reporting why have you not applied for full custody? He doesnt sound like he is safe.

LineRunner Wed 17-Oct-12 17:50:07

Re: the OP's posting and writing style. He kindly explained early this morning, he said he developed the style at University (as you do) 'to annoy someone as a joke, and it kind of stuck'.

mumsknots Wed 17-Oct-12 18:07:36

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fluffyraggies Wed 17-Oct-12 18:13:45

Well he needs to un-stick it asap!

I'm sat here having another shot at reading the posts and i'm getting a headache!

<ploughs on>

fluffyraggies Wed 17-Oct-12 18:49:11

She's recently told me when we begin our relationship proper ... extended CRB checks carried out not just on me but my entire family & even house

This really doesn't sound right. I'm no expert - and could well be wrong but confused is she holding you at arms length maybe?

she's told me "I can't be with someone whose dependent on PK's".

That sounds fair enough. It's something you're going to have to work on after the court case though - and wont happen over night. Another reason to slow down with this relationship. Listen to what she's saying.

I'm starting to see I think that only I can ensure my own future happiness whereas before it used to be me thinking it did depend on others

THIS ^^ is really important. Think hard about this.

I've nearly seen out the court case now, 2nd to last hearing today & Final one of all In 3 weeks so fingers crossed. I've had help from the police re' the DV & might ask about a councillor re' the (almost) rape

With the court case drawing to a close, hopefully you can minimise the contact with your ex, and begin to heal yourself. I'm glad you have told the police about the DV. Def. consider some counceling about what you've been through in the past.

I'll probably Tell her "this is me take it or leave it" after all? She was the one who looked me up & I never hid anything about me from her.

This ^^ sounds like the beginning of a good attitude from you OP.

I really hope that once the court case is over and you and your son's lives settle down, you can start to work on a relationship. But as someone up thread said - have a bit of fun, and please don't look for 'the one'. There's no such thing - and feeling like you are being 'the one' is a very hard ideal to live up to for any new partner. Don't put all your emotional eggs in one basket just yet awhile!

I'm sorry i've quoted a bit randomly from your posts - but i found it was the best way for me to try to help smile

Iodine Wed 17-Oct-12 19:00:12

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kiwigirl42 Wed 17-Oct-12 19:40:54

I loved her so much & looked after her half the time as she had learning difficulties, trusted people to easily & often ended up in bad situations (lost or in the middle of nowhere with me On the phone guiding her home or working with her parents & the police to get her home safe).

WTF was he doing having a baby with someone who can't even look after herself? sounds like there was no responsible adult in this 'relationship'
Poor bloody kid.

dearprudence Wed 17-Oct-12 19:44:09

(after a rather rocky period where I made one very bad mistake & really upset her)

What was the mistake?

fluffyraggies Wed 17-Oct-12 19:58:55

kiwi i thought that too, but wimped out of saying it sad

aldiwhore Wed 17-Oct-12 20:04:47

What dearprudence has asked. What was the major mistake that upset her? It could have been bad enough for her to hesitate, then maybe she's added that to all the other baggage (hers as well) and just thought it is just too tricky to go there.

A new relationship should be good on both sides. Do you rant about your ex? You say you're honest, that's good, but I suspect you're too honest. Your GF will be (if her job is as you say) counselling people all day every day, listening to their trauma, and when she logs on to talk to the man who she rather likes, has to counsell him too.

Re: the painkillers. You need to book a review at your GP. You may need them still, you may not. My DH took a year to come off strong painkillers even though he had very vaild reasons for being on them, only after his review did he have his dose lessened and can now manage without.

Re: the ex. That is your son's mother, like it or not and you should try to get into the habit of speaking about her politely and with respect to your son. You don't have to like her, you may be right about her, but this isn't about her, or you, it's about your son... your GF certainly doesn't need to hear such venom. I suspect you rant about her more than you think.

Your post is very difficult to read. I am very longwinded, I use more words than I should, but my goodness from your op alone I doubt there's any room for silence, or for someone else to speak, or to be heard. I haven't read any more of your posts I'm sorry, but they just seem like yadadadadadadadada, white noise. Maybe break them down into one succinct point to tackle at a time?

Good luck. A CRB check by the way is simply the filling in of a form. If you have issue with one, you either don't about them or have something you don't wish to come out.

Paradisefound Wed 17-Oct-12 20:26:55

I think you need counselling.

brrbrrwinteriscoming Wed 17-Oct-12 20:45:54

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LineRunner Wed 17-Oct-12 20:49:42

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beitou Wed 17-Oct-12 21:07:34

You may well be in love with her honeychild but by the sound of it she is trying to distance herself from you and may well think you are a dick. What a good university you went to if you learnt to write in that errr manner.

maras2 Wed 17-Oct-12 23:03:44

Just read OP's thread from September and I was right.He's not a teacher < thank Christ > It's his new internet lady who was but now isn't as she has a new job which requires an extended CRB check apparently.OP says that he has the makings of a law degree bar the actual qualification.So not too complicated then.

Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 05:24:27

Hello all; I'm back (at last) after a rather interesting day (& night) since I last posted & (at long, long last) a half-decent sleep from which I've awoken early now due to Very Heavy rain & sleet outside on the windows - not for the first time. And before I go any further? Can I just say? I'm normally Very articulate & halfway decent at expressing myself by writing but when I wrote That post yesterday? I was not in a good place as I'd just read the Full SS report re' my son (inc' everything from both mine & the ex's side of things) & learned in the process a number of things re' my son & her 'care' of him that Really upset me & left my temper by the end? Utterly volcanic & me in v' bad mood indeed which coupled with even more worry re' my DS due to what I read? Was not a good place to end up in.

As such - I was slightly tipsy after a glass or two of wine when I posted with the result that the OP ended up as an utter car-crash which kind of defined the thread & I'm sorry for that as I didn't want the discussion to go the way it did at all & yes I know I'm guilty of that as anyone via that train-wreck of an OP. Further the court battle I'm currently undergoing against my ex'? Also includes a battle over the tenancy of the (2 bedroom) house we once shared which I've now maintained on my own for a year (she has gone back to her parents 4 bed home & they've happily had her & my DS there when he's not with me) & where my son stays when he's with me?

Anyway, this house I'm in right now is one which my son knows as "Daddy's house" & which I've redecorated (at considerable expense) & built into as child-friendly a home as I can all for him? He has toys, little books & dens all over it as well as his clothes everywhere & basically whatever happens within his mum's life? I want this house to always be his Haven and a solid anchor in his little life that he can always come back to & have as one of his main constants as me, my B' & S' once had our parents home also? So the prospect that I might now after upholding & redecorating & doing up for my DS lose the tenancy & end up possibly on the streets with nowhere to go right on top of So close to Christmas? Has been weighing me down, playing on my mind & leaving me very frightened & scared of late at times also which may also have coloured the mess I made of the OP - Basically? I spent all last night up worrying about just that very real possibility in truth & again, it was not a good place to be.........

As to those asking Why I had a child with my ex' if she was so very bad & nasty? Simple, she (& I) weren't always like this to one another; I loved her (& she me) once very much indeed; We were engaged twice also & spent 6 years together; As to our DS? He was a baby me & her did not even Know existed for around 4 months (she got pregnant with the implant in her arm? The 1 in 100 who Does so as her then Dr' put it IIRR?); Anyway? We never Knew of our boy's existence until she'd missed her first scan & we did pregnancy tests (4 positive) just before bonfire night on 4th November 2008 which is appropriate I guess given the fireworks ever since over him but still - The idea of getting rid of him? was abhorrent to us both & not Ever an option - We both loved him from the first moment we saw & heard him & I've spoken to him since several months before he was born so he knows me Very well & always smiles when Daddy is mentioned as I do at the very Thought of his dear little face & whatever our differences? Me & his mother do our best to Try & remain civil in person on the rare occasions we're together around him nowadays, hard though that has become at times of late at times.

Anyhow? re' Why did we have him? Our DS arrived at 2.58 AM (after 1 hour in hospital!! [shocked] )on Sunday 17th May 2009 & everything changed for all of us & both his families; He's been the centre of our worlds ever since - very different though those worlds have now become; As to me & his mum at the time & why we went through with all this at the time? Simple I loved her at the time & loved Him from the moment I first saw (& heard) him; She loved me & him & us & we all thought? We were going to be a happy little family but then Right at the end of that year? We lost a DD she'd been carrying at around 6 months after she'd got pregnant again very quickly & things started to go wrong between us after that ( I think? She wanted a DD more than Anything else & that loss? Gutted her & eventually? Turned our love to hate). As to me? I doubt I'll ever have another child now so my son is All I'll ever have in terms of DC & I love him more than I ever thought I could another person. That's mainly why I've fought So very hard for him? I was 30 when he was born & had no clue for 4 months he was there - my whole family thought I'd never be a dad & suddenly? I was. I even looked for My dad when they said "do you want to hold him dad?" after he'd been born is a good indicator of just How unprepared I was [embarrassed]

Anyway just to reply to what someone said earlier re' me not mentioning him much sometimes on this thread? My DS means the world to me BTW & always Will - he means more than any one woman right now & his smile lights up my life every time I see it & him. I don't always mention my love for him & how strong it is as I doubt I can put it into words; Basically? I love him so very much & always

OK with all that in mind? I read all the responses both the nice & useful ones & the not so helpful & downright nasty ones - I thank you all for taking the time to reply & will answer as best I can in due course. Suffice to say? A Lot has happened since last I spoke and many things which weren't before? Are now Much clearer with regard to the path I'm going to take from here & I'm in a Far better place than I was yesterday in many ways. Anyhow? this is what happened roughly.

I went to court as I said & had a barrister there who was a young lady who did very well on my behalf in upholding & presenting my concerns re' my son to the Judge & though we didn't see Him this time (first time in 3 hearings) - my contact was reinforced & strengthened - then? She & I had a long chat in one of the anterooms re' everything & she offered to talk to me about my ex' if that's what I wanted to do as she had counselling experience (she said used to work on Childline & Samaritans voluntarily before qualifying?) & for the first time Ever? I told another person in RL about what Really went on with my ex' after things went wrong with us; And once it started? It All came out in a flood like a dam had burst. She said she'd keep it to herself per my request as we're trying to work together with my ex' now for my son's sake & the Judge in our case? Really does Not like conflict of that sort where it can be avoided - suffice to say by the end? I was nearly in tears as it was Very hard to tell her some of what went on behind closed doors.

Soon after this? She ended up hugging me & saying how brave I'd been in working up the courage to do that & in actually telling her (the worst part was describing Why I flinch when ladies hug me now - I think my mum's noticed that & asked me numerous times but she never knew Why until today - I spoke to her about it soon afterwards); After me & the barrister were finished talking? I got some numbers re' counselling services off her & will look into those soon (see below). I then composed myself & left the court with my mum in limbo for another 3 weeks until the final decisions are made in this --bitter, endless dispute- long & dragging case in early November.

Anyway? I believe in an earlier thread I posted re' all this back in September? I expressed myself Far better than here in the OP there & there was a lot more detail re' my ex' & what I went through at her hands as well as how complex my feelings were (& are) to her? Most of said detail is in the 2nd to bottom paragraph & that thread? Is found here;

To conclude - Since I got home; I've taken some of what I've seen in the myriad of many different & useful replies I had to my original post & the info' my barrister gave me & drawn up a 4 point plan (some of which is already in practice) to improve my life & give it the sense of clearly defined boundaries I now Know it (& me) are so severely lacking in; These points are as follows;

1; I will (& already Have) speak to my GP re' All my medications & institute with him a set plan for withdrawal from the particular PK's I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to now & have been for a while. It's hard work but that's going slowly towards plan right now & I need less of them now than I did before but am far from out of the woods yet & sometimes? It's sheer Hell re' needing them but single steps - one at a time & Not backsliding? Will get me there I think.

2: I will ring & speak to someone regarding arranging long-term counselling for all I've been through re' illness, various forms of abuse & emotional problems/trouble expressing myself in my life; I don't know but due to Some of what went on? I've a feeling I'll be better speaking to a woman as some of what I spoke of to my Barrister yesterday afternoon? I simply would not have Told a man any of that I don't think. It was hard enough telling a woman & I'm still shocked I mentioned it at all never mind went through it All like I did in the end. Suffice to say - I was brought up by a very old-fashioned father who simply doesn't believe in talking about such things if you're a man & further? Sometimes acts like they Don't happen to men - I now know all to clearly that they do..............sad

3: I will make my son's case the Sole priority in my life again & put everything else on hold Until it's finished insofar as I am able to - That is doubly essential given some of the shocking things I learned in the SS report the other day that rather upset me before I posted here last night; Again? I have already begun the process of making the case & it's successful conclusion central to All I am doing right now & fingers crossed? This is the final time I'll have to do it before the end of it in November. I suppose I stopped doing this re' the case for a month or so before today as I was (& am) just So very tired & worn out by the endless battle involved. I feel drained by it tbh at times. Utterly drained & bereft of energy sometimes so much so? I find it hard to get going in the mornings.

4: I will ring my GF tomorrow or whenever she's next off-shift (& not on-call) & explain all this to her insofar as I am able re' us being together & say to her I think I Need to back away a while to give us both space while I tie up the other issues in my life that have damn near finished our fledgling relationship at times before we've even started & yes I know she's not an angel & I haven't put her on a pedestal (anymore than my ex' is a devil or demon) & in truth? I was just rather overwrought & upset last night was all & so spoke as I did re' both of them - I'm sorry to anyone who read it here if it came across wrong - I wasn't thinking straight when I wrote it. Anyhow? I've calmed down now & I Know GF is as human as anyone else. I do however care for her very much possibly behind only my son & Family & that affection is growing all the time & each time (only several right now) we've met.

Basically? I think I'll tell GF that I really care for & have great affection for her but don't want to upset her anymore with my dramas & that as I Need to focus all my energies on fighting & winning the other battles mentioned here & Relearning How to love myself again? (She said & she is right "How can you love another person if you don't love yourself? & you Don't love yourself do you S****? (My real name)" Suffice to say she's right - I don't love myself right now (quite the opposite in fact at times); Anyway? I will go away & do what I can to change all that & then later in a few months maybe? I'll go back to her & see how she is about us reconnecting when I can devote All my time & energy to her & us which after all? Is the very least she deserves. In the end? I just want to make her happy & us to Be happy together if there's the slightest chance of it. I know & accept not that currently? That Cannot happen with me being torn in the 3/4 different directions I am & it would be unfair on Her to try & grow into a relationship between us on that basis. I've a feeling I'm really not going to like doing this tomorrow but? I know it's for the best for both of us & so will steel myself? To do it as soon as I'm able............

Anyway as I said? I'm in a better place now I've formalised all that in my head & written down the targets I've set myself in print as it were? These are the beginnings of the boundaries that I hope will enable me to Rebuild my life, social life & confidence in everyday life (which I've sorely lacked for to long now); I'll just end by saying thanks again to all of you for your concise, brutal (but necessary) & above all? Sensible advice. I'll do my best to now act on it & hope this whole process? Helps me attain the emotional maturity I should have grown into long ago. Above all else though? I want to learn How to smile & be happy again - I've been gloomy, beaten down, pessemistic & dark for to long & in short? I'm sick of it. I see others being happy with themselves & their lives & relationships & So want to be like that myself & in truth? Everyone's got to learn sometime & start (re) building themselves somewhere; Suffice to say I suddenly have a sense that now? It's my turn to learn & not before time.......

NB Just a note to those who called me several not nice names etc & Implied I'm a liar or wind up merchant? Read what aldiwhore said please as well as the thread I linked to from before re' my ex' etc? I'm Not lying & trying to wind people up & never was - all the stuff I've written about? Really happened & is happening now & as I've articulated above? I have Real trouble opening up about this stuff in RL to people which is why I've done so on MN instead for now. Though with the advent of Real counseling for me soon fingers crossed? That might soon change once again & I'll be scarce on here once more.

NBB Oh & one other thing? I'm not & have Never said I'm a teacher (TY for noticing Maras2) That was my GF for 10 years in her former position; I was once training for a career in law (I have a degree in it but not a LPC) but that? All changed 7 years ago due to something I barely survived & had to learn to do it All like a toddler from scratch after over the next 2 years. Now? I just work locally when I can & battle chronic pain both the rest of the time & during my work hours.

Thanks anyway all who answered me & again sorry if I upset anyone with my earlier posts & the anger in them. I hope this (my last novel Big post fingers crossed) provides anyone reading with a truer reflection of me & explains my life right now a little better.

Bye for now.

Redline. thanks

stuffitunderthebed Thu 18-Oct-12 06:21:54

Will you please please stop using question marks when you haven't actually asked a question? Making me ill. I can't read your post to offer any advice or help as the question mark incorrectly applied at the end of nearly every sentence is infuriating me so much. Sorry.

Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 06:27:38

Sorry - I looked at all the things re' bold & grammar etc (Someone got it right earlier - I Did copy & paste a lot from Word before - hence the grammar/bold stuffups). I thought I'd got rid of a lot of them; It appears not; Sorry about that & you feeling upset & unable to help; I don't know what else to do though - I've been through it & amended it as best as I'm able already - shall I Reprint it minus questionmarks? I prob' got mixed up as typed to fast. Sorry again.

brrbrrwinteriscoming Thu 18-Oct-12 06:29:11

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stuffitunderthebed Thu 18-Oct-12 06:35:50

The reply you just gave me is shorter, clearer - write like that more often and people may be able to help rather than focussing upon your writing style. Good luck OP.

Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 06:45:23

Fine & thank you for being so pleasant & nice to me again Winter - what is your problem with me? I've tried to write as proper a post compared to the muckup yesterday as I can but in truth? I'm getting sick of your insults & childish namecalling - if you don't like me? Don't post to me - simple as;

As to me? I have no problem with you but there's No call to rain down insults on me in my Own thread OK? As to my physical state? The pain I've got is related to 2 large steel plates I have in the front of my face for Life & have had for 7 years OK? I had my face broken & reset in Two places using steel plates to hold it in the new position (they used chisels & hammers In the Op' or so I was told) & lost nearly 3 pints of blood after waking up under anaesthetic & an oxygen/feeding tube being torn out of my nose;

Even now? I still get awful nosebleeds & headaches like my heads splitting in two after being hit by an axe nearly Every day of my life & sometimes just feel like my heads spinning or been hit by a bat at other (slightly less) painful times; It's an awful way to live & I hate it but want to be as good a person as I can be for my son OK?

In short right now? I spend most of my life on PK's to combat that & it's Not a good place to be. I mucked up the OP I acknowledge that but if you're going to judge me solely on the basis of that & some sort of anger on behalf of all women due to me talking angrily re' my ex' whose behaved utterly outrageously of late at times not that she's your concern? Then you're wasting your time - I won't listen or change my view; I'll simply state as I said before? I loved her once & will always be grateful to me for giving me a son but some of what she's done since? Is unforgivable & that anger boils over in me sometimes - It's called being human...........

As to my problem? It was what to do re' the relationships/feelings/mad jumble all mixed up I had in my head & How I might improve myself & not be so dense emotionally in future & was I being unreasonable to feel what I did; Maybe had you taken the time to Read my last post instead of Launch at me at the very sight of my name on a post? You 'd have seen that & further that I've both received & used advice since yesterday to good effect; Had you given me constructive answers instead of thinly disguised, badly framed attacks interspersed by rather childish namecalling? I might have listened to you & thanked you for your help also? Instead? I just think you're being silly - if you have a Real problem with me Miss? Then don't post in my thread OK? Problem solved.................

And if you do have a problem with me? I'm sorry you feel that way. I won't call you a tw*t though as I don't know you well enough & I hope in future whatever you think of me? You'll do me the same courtesy.

NB It's spelt Decipher.

Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 06:47:28

TY Underthebed - I'll bear that in mind - The big post was required IMO though to repair the damage done by the trainwreck I made as an OP. I'll try & do that shorter type of writing in future. TY re' the luck - I think I'll need it. thanks

TandB Thu 18-Oct-12 07:26:45

Your barrister overstepped the mark.

I suggest you ask for someone who can keep her mind on the case and keep a professional distance, rather than indulging in some sort of pseudo-counselling session and hugging her client.

Rather alarming to be honest.

Strawhatpirate Thu 18-Oct-12 07:26:53

Good luck Redline! Your 4 point plan looks very sensible! I spoke dsf last night and he said the biggest mistake in his custody battle was letting things slide and that he wished he reported it every time contact was messed up and save all messages dp sends you they could be useful later on. unmumsnet stealth hug

TandB Thu 18-Oct-12 07:27:24

And STOP calling people miss, for goodness sake.

GhostShip Thu 18-Oct-12 08:02:46

Look mate, I know it's the least of your problems right now but you need to address that issue you have with question marks

StuntGirl Thu 18-Oct-12 08:06:23

OP you need to write more succinctly.

You need counselling.

You need to make efforts to deal with your addiction.

You need to focus on your son.

You should probably forget about relationships with women until you have worked on you.

I haven't even read most of your posts as they are so illegible. If you want to use an internet forum as a method for receiving advice you need to make sure you can be understood. It really isn't hard.

Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 08:18:37

Kungfu; Sorry if I wasn't clear before or rambled re' the barrister - But basically? She Only spoke to me about it all (re' going beneath the tip of the iceberg re' my ex') After we'd finished dealing with the case re' my son etc for the day - She asked me what was up when I was talking to her re' the case & could See I was visibly upset & struggling to say something more to her re' my ex' while we were talking about her & what she'd done re' my boy of late? Maybe she knew I had something more to say but didn't know How to? I don't know - anyway she offered to chat after our business re' the case was wound up for the day & asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell her re' all this in private to which I indicated yes. Further? She implied that she had in the past? Heard other similar things in such informal chats with clients & mine was far from the worst so clearly? She's done this before & I had no problem with her doing this; Anyway? I took her up on her offer as I realised it was "now or never" re' me so later? Me & her went back to the side room we had & spoke for nearly an hour but only After our case had wound up for the day/the latest review & update of the Contact Conditions had been Okayed by the Judge.

As to the barrister? She Did keep a professional distance the Whole way through our talk -she sat across the table in the room from me- & Only hugged me just before I left the room as she could see I was nearly in tears in a state by then & was really struggling - it was a brief formal kind of 'thanks' 2 second hug was all & she said she admired my courage in getting it all out as many blokes? Don't & my family? Are very old fashioned in that way re' men & that sort of stuff? Anyway - other than that hug & words at the end?

My barrister couldn't have been More professional throughout the day. She only spoke to me at My own request after explaining that she could talk/listen & help after concluding our business re' the case for the day? And she only offered? As she could Clearly see I really wanted to say Something that could potentially have affected the case if I told her? She then wanted to know what was bugging & upsetting me so much & offered to keep it confidential & between us if I wished? (Which I did); Originally? I was only going to tell her a little bit & then? Something a dam in my head, a barrier? I don't know - just burst & it All came flooding out (far more than I'd originally intended to tell her).

I don't know Kungfu - in some ways? I feel that doing that? Was prob' the best thing I've done in years. It feels like another day & someone else talking but it was only me & yesterday & part of my life? Now? I feel like a terrible weight I've carried around for far to long has gone from my shoulders so maybe? I bottled it All of it up for far to long. Its gone now though - all of it & it isn't ever coming back to hurt me again in my head with all that horrible pressure & silence I had before yesterday & just maybe IMO? That's a good thing - & rather than alarmed? Today, More than to anyone for a longtime? I Feel Very grateful to her for doing that & more than anything else? I feel relieved all the pressure has gone - will that be a good thing? I guess only time will tell..........

NB Strawhatpirate? TY re' the Good Luck - I hope my 4 point plan works & is sensible - I put it together in my head gradually for a Long time last night combining some things I've done with some I've yet to attempt doing; I Considered, pondered & changed various bits of it before finally settling on How to do it & then making it Real to me by typing it out? I don't know If it will work mind but in the end? I just Had to do something - I couldn't just sit & suffer & be confused anymore - if only for my loved one's & families sake could I? I was right to do something wasn't I?

Further, I agree with your DSF Pirate? I Never, ever let anything slide re' my ex' & the trouble & pain she's caused me over our DS since we first split & thus far? Have about 4 diaries of the behaviour of her & her (now ex') DP re' me & threats etc from them, another one re' her behaviour that I've observed &/or heard that's alarmed me re' our boy. I have another re' her families actions & behaviour as they've been very unkind to us to in the past 2 years & nearly as bad as her in some ways; The final (& by far The Most important) diary? Is re' All contact with my boy since our first split going Waaaaaaaaay back to March 2010 when we had the first of our (3) breakups & Every session of contact/period of time &/or weekday phonecalls with DS that she's sabotaged &/or ruined is listed therein. They've been very useful so far. TY for your advice & support just now Strawhatpirate - means a lot to know others who've had all this are with me & listening <UnMN Stealth hug back>

MadgeHarvey Thu 18-Oct-12 08:24:50

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Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 08:28:42

Stuntgirl? You've just outlined the plan I put up in prob' 4 lines - I take it that was deliberate? TY anyway & I'll try & learn from that. And yes you're right re' me writing (concise etc) - I'll try & change it - use cut & paste less in future but Can't type much well ATM as one of my thumbs is in plaster & painful to put pressure on after an accident last week when cutting my nails? (I took off the quick with it in short blush ) it's bled & hurt ever since whenever I've even put slight pressure on it so right now? Am typing only a little & C & P the rest. Anyway I'll do as you ask & try to be more concise in future.

Same re' you Ghostship? Will do my best re' the Questionmarks & less of them - was trying to anyway. And you're right - it is indeed the least of my problems right now. I'll try & learn - I'll prob' do it all (getting through my prob's) in GF's favourite way of doing things 'babysteps' (i.e. one at a time) & will see where that takes me.....

Re' all this? I suppose I'll feel some relief at the end of it all (the case); No word of a lie; Since the case began? This has been The most difficult, painful & hurtful 6 months of my entire life (7 if you count the month before when my contact was originally stopped) by a Loooooong way & in truth? I'll just be glad when it's All over, really I will; I feel worn out & knackered; Just utterly drained by it all TBH & in truth? Next month really Can't come quick enough for me & my son...........

AmIthatbad Thu 18-Oct-12 08:38:39

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Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 08:43:58

Madge - I won't disagree with you I'm in a mess in a number of ways - the reasons behind which you'd prob' know now if you'd done something other than hurl ridiculous & baseless insults at me; As to the rest of that childish little rant composed of groundless insults & pointless names aimed at me? I'll refer you to my answer to brrbrrwinteriscoming & a similarly pathetic little barrage earlier;

I'm not explaining myself or my writing to you much after that - Had you answered me constructively & civilly even if you were having a go at me? Then I'd have returned the favour or tried to out of courtesy to you; Since you instead chose to be rude, vulgar & resort to swear words? I'll not reply in kind & would like (if you post here to attack me again) you to do me the same courtesy in the future please? Please don't swear at me anymore Madge - if you don't like me or my writing habits? By all means Say so & Why but if you're going to attack me again? Please be civil & don't swear or try not to in future? I think it's the very least we owe one another as civilised, polite people IMO.....

I'm sorry if you don't agree with what's written in this thread but This here? Is Me & my life here, I'm making No apologies for that OK? If you don't like it or want to offer advice on it? Don't post; And yes it Is real Madge - All of it; It's my life unfortunately - no drama 'project' (& I'd love to know where you got a crazy idea as that from). As to the "get some help" bit? I agree with you for different reasons & have made plans to do just that in RL re' 4 different parts of my life. Anyway - I'll finish by saying

Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 08:47:33

AmIthatbad - I've explained since I don't think she's an angel - I said that when I wasn't in the right state to be writing in truth - was upset over something & angry at something else & typed the original OP? All wrong & it came out as a bit of a mess. I've done my best since in the other big post here? To correct that. The Lady in question? Is only human like the rest of us - nothing more? Nothing less. I just care for her a lot & the other night when writing the OP? Let my heart rule my head & that car-crash OP was the result; Suffice to say? I won't be making that mistake again............blush

flow4 Thu 18-Oct-12 08:49:39

Redline, I have read all this thread. My strongest impression is that you are living your life buffeted about like a barrel after a ship-wreck, tossed this way and that: things happen to you and you feel totally out of control - and probably are.

I can see why you feel overwhelmed by everything... But I think you need to re-gain some control over your life.

Just to be absolutely clear: I mean control over your own life, not anyone else's. You are already far, far too focussed on what other people are or are not doing and thinking. You need to focus on what you are or are not doing, and sort out the things you can affect.

As priorities, I would say:

- Get some counselling. Your GP can refer you. There is a type of counselling called CBT/cognitive behavioural therapy that several of my friends have had, that sounds like it might suit you. You could ask about that. But if CBT isn't available, I still think any other form of counselling will help you: you are clearly a man who likes to talk, and who reflects on your own behaviour, and counselling will help you get more understanding of yourself, more focus and more self-control.

- Seek advice regarding your pain-killer addiction. Again, discuss this with your GP. It may be that you could gradually reduce the amount you take. Whether or not that is possible, you clearly need some reminders about using them safely: for instance, morphine and alcohol do not mix (as your original post shows). I can tell you that most sensible women would not get into a relationship with a man with any kind of PK dependency - and certainly one that was not under excellent control.

- Start doing something constructive with your days. I appreciate this is not easy with a long term health problem, PK dependency and possibly mental health issues. But you strike me as a man with far too much time on your hands. You may be able to find some group activities in your local area that would suit you. Google the name of your town + 'pain killer support group' or 'Altogether Better' (a health project that ran nationally over the past 5 years and is still running in some areas) or 'anxiety support', and see what is out there. Or take up a practical hobby, like a craft activity. Or do an evening class. Maybe look for a creative writing course: MN may not like your writing style, but someone out there will! And you will find that with something to do, and a bit more routine in your life, your head will not be so full of problems all the time, and you will start to feel better about yourself and everything else.

- When the court cases are over, focus on practical arrangements for your son. You already know you need to protect your son from getting caught up in the emotional mess, and you need to keep that a top priority. Focus on what he needs to be and feel safe and happy, and try to provide that for him. Understand that your ex is as angry with you as you are with her (and maybe more). You can't control her emotions but you can and should control yours. I don't mean you should repress them or keep them bottled up - but you need to make sure they don't 'spill out' everywhere. Your writing style makes me think that you are more than just an 'expressive' man - you are gushing, and the excessive flow of your emotions is getting in the way of the practical stuff in life. Again, counselling will help.

You owe it to yourself and your son to live your life, not have Life run rough-shod over you, so to speak smile

This relationship is way down your list of priorities, in my opinion. If it has as much potential as you hope, it will last; if it doesn't, it won't. The woman you describe will be relieved and pleased if you can get your life back on track.

ellargh Thu 18-Oct-12 08:51:29

Why do you capitalise random words that you bold? That's irritating. Word doesn't do that. You do that.

StuntGirl Thu 18-Oct-12 08:56:30

It wasn't deliberate, it's just how people write normally. I didn't know you had already written those points as I skipped through most of your posts.

If you want help stop faffing about and just be straight. I suspect that would also apply to your real life too.

flow4 Thu 18-Oct-12 08:56:56

OK folks, cool it. I agree the typing/writing style is irritating, but frankly it is the very very least of the OP's problems.

If you all reflect for a moment, you'll see the OP has some clear vulnerabilities, and I'd say some mental health issues. You may choose not to be supportive, but I'd say abuse and personal attacks are inappropriate.

geegee888 Thu 18-Oct-12 08:57:32

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Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 08:57:36

TY Flow4 - For listening to me & offering all that advice - I appreciate you taking the time to do that & will do my best to use it well; Anyway? I've read your post & will do my best to act on it ASAP; I Have acted on it in some cases - Did you read of my own 4 point 'boundary' plan to give my life defined boundaries? Is that a good idea? Have I targeted the right problems to solve with it? See what you think;

And yes LoL alcohol & Pk's don't mix hence the car-crash OP. blush Anyway? Thanks again & will answer in more detail later - For now? I'm off out to pay the bills & try to bring some structure to myself in another day w'out DS here. sad

NB You're dead right on one thing? I have (& have had for To long now) Far to much time on my hands - That? Is probably one of my biggest problems of all in truth.

TY again Flow4 for listening to me. smile

MadgeHarvey Thu 18-Oct-12 09:01:29

Listen up sunshine. Do not tell me where to post ok? You have no say in where I or anyone else posts. I did not call you 'pointless names'. I may very well have insulted you - but to be honest your posts insult my eyes so it's a fair cop. Oh, and I don't think I swore AT you did I? Stop being such a bloody victim and get your shit together.

geegee888 Thu 18-Oct-12 09:02:09

Hello all; I'm back (at last) after a rather interesting day (& night) since I last posted & (at long, long last) a half-decent sleep from which I've awoken early now due to Very Heavy rain & sleet outside on the windows - not for the first time. And before I go any further? Can I just say?

Why do you think people want to hear that sort of minute detail about your life? Why could you possibly think it is relevant? Its so obvious from the way you write that you are suffering from some kind of psychological disorder.

Can I also point out that your attitude towards women is really strange. You refer to them in odd ways, either as "angels" or devils, obsess about their ages, whether they are young or not, how they react to you is poured over in minute detail.

You are not enough of your own person; you are seeking too much validation from other people, and your target is the women in your life. And of course no woman in her right mind would get involved with someone with your strange attitudes and myriad problems - why would they, when there are so many normal men out there who don't have these issues?

fluffyraggies Thu 18-Oct-12 09:11:28

Oh Redline ... I so hope this court case works out for you and you can sort yourself out.

I've gone through annoyance with your posting style and am now grin at it tbh.

I think your 4 point plan is a good one. Stick to it.

When are you seeing your son again? You obviously get so much joy from parenting him.

StuntGirl Thu 18-Oct-12 09:11:56

I'm not entirely convinced this person is who they say they are, and if they are well then they've got bigger problems than this forum can help with.

His writing style is important, because without being able to understand how can anyone help? His posts are so verbose people simply don't have the time to read and translate what he's said. I stand by my original advice, nothing further can be achieved here.

flow4 Thu 18-Oct-12 09:18:58

Redline, I hadn't seen your 4 point plan when I posted, but I have now. It's great that you are coming to these conclusions, and I think it will make a massive difference if you can follow it through... smile

Fecklessdizzy Thu 18-Oct-12 09:28:23

Flow4 makes excellent sense OP print it off and stick it to your fridge where you can see it when the clouds of confusion start to gather. Good luck!

Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 09:59:57

Geegee888, Flow4, Ellargh & Stuntgirl? TY all for listening & talking - it's helped my thoughts a little though I think a number of your points/possibilities you mentioned re' me & ex' & Why we're not together? Were completely wrong Geegee888 though not to far off the mark in other respects. TY anyway all of you who discussed & wrote down answers to me on all this;

BTW if you want a picture of what she was like behind closed doors even when I was with her (though that? Was to everyone bar me & I stupidly? Ignored everyone's warnings as I was in love)? read this thread here;


Please Read the last but one post here? It might paint a clearer picture of why I have very little regard left for my ex' now & where the rest of my love for her went? I think that might help you understand just How different it was in private for me from public even when I was with the ex' & she loved me never mind now we're apart.

I'll go away, read & digest it all; Have a think on what you added just now & then come back & post a little while from now. OK I am off out now so might write later. TY again for helping & listening all.

Bye for now;


NB Geegee? I'm not mad or mentally disturbed; Just as Flow4 implied earlier? Someone whose been caught in the whirlpool called life, tossed & battered about on the highwinds & then left to gasp for breath on a beach somewhere miles from home. In short? I've been really badly hurt by life of late & then bashed up again (metaphorically speaking) whilst recovering? whilst I'll take a while to recover in the end? I Will recover - Mark my words.............

Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 10:04:56

Why Madge don't you like me saying where to post? Do you feel insulted? Well that's how I felt when you wrote that stuff to me; I'm sorry if my posting hurt/insulted etc your eyes - you could of told me normally & I'd have tried to rectify that; I don't know re' the swearword - didn't look at the context. There was no need to insult me & start another row - TBH? I get enough of those in real life..........

As to get myself together? What do you think I was on here For & trying to get advice in doing so? Think we're evens now as you say re' insults/nasty words - I'll steer clear of you now if you do me? I've no quarrel with you & don't really want one - Have enough of those in RL TBH.

laptopcomputer Thu 18-Oct-12 10:07:33

I can't actually finish reading a single one of your posts. You sound like a drama queen, your whole story has been me, me,me - look at how clever and witty annoying I am with my ability to use bold

I think you need to grow up and sort out the custody of your child like an adult before embarking on another relationship.

MadgeHarvey Thu 18-Oct-12 10:09:53

With reference to your post to me OP


Now go report that!

MakeItALarge Thu 18-Oct-12 10:11:05

Totally agree with everything flow4 said.

Redline when I started uni I wrote awfully, pages and pages of drivel to make one point. My lecturer suggested I write as much as I wanted to, then go through and delete as much as possible, either odd words that arent needed, descriptions that dont matter, or any personal details.

You seem to enjoy writing, do you have a diary or blog? Somewhere yo could write all your feelings down may help so when you post here you can keep it short and succint.

Youve had a lot of abuse on this thread, some warranted and some not, but good on you for coming back and good on you for fighting for your child.

Youve had a lot of problems but you are dwelling on these and letting them define your life. Move on. For as long as you let it it will destroy you.

Youre attitude to women is very wrong. Im guessing you have very little aocal interaction with other people in RL? This is something you could work on, get out and make friends!

Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 10:21:29

GeeGee888? I don't know re' the detail - Maybe as I post to much detailed stuff normal? Thought I'd put something re' aimless detail on etc? I've seen enough people post about things from the weather through to their plans for the afternoon or how their day went on here to what they're up to with DC or pets even ( confused ) so why couldn't I put something & at that hour? It was chucking it down here & I love the rain at night on the windows.

Again? I'm not suffering from a disorder IMO - just been left hurt & confused of late & taking a while to recover. Can I in turn reply re' women that my attitude to them? Is not normally the same one from the OP - I only wrote that "angel/devil" stuff when extremely stressed & upset - I normally am a lot shyer & more reserved than that when describing them - if I even get that far; I only wrote about GF's age as it was a surprise to me was all to have someone older than me to maybe 'be' with long term.

I agree re' the rections in detail & me pouring over them; I think (& it's only a working theory in truth) that this stems from a few times in quick succession Years ago in my early 20's when I had several bad & quickly over relationships with both women romantically & lost a couple of platonic but Old, old friends & all this? Left a lasting impression on me as a couple of the women in question went behind my back & one of the friends? Was not what they had seemed at all. Basically? I think I've got a morbid fear of being betrayed again if I had to put a name to it & yes I will be discussing that in counselling.

Again? Nail on head GeeGee re' your last point; I don't think I'm anything like enough my own person - I haven't felt that way for years now & think? It might lie at the very core of my problems. Targeting the women in my life? Never thought of it like that - shock now you mention it? That worries me re' me; As to who I or indeed any woman gets involved with in "their right mind" or not? 'tis not up to us I think - we fall for Who we fall for & she? Came looking for & contacted me at the very first instance I spoke to her - she came back & started talking again after we'd had a period apart in the summer to due to a big row - don't forget that please. I agree women prob' don't want to get involved with me & my attitudes/problems etc but as to normal men being out there with no issues - are you sure? Everyone's got issues & problems nowadays in this benighted world - Some? Just hide it Far, far better than others is all but you can rest assured that somewhere? The problems are there & one way or another for all of us? They always will be...............

As to me? Yes I think I'm seeking to much validation from others & am planning to do something big about that with help from counsellor & maybe GP in the near future - In fact if I had to put a name to my biggest problem? I think it would be this above all else? I think what I really have to do now? Is Find myself - Do that? And the rest will follow...................

Feckless? I read Flow4 at length & agree with you.

Stuntgirl? I am who I say I am - why wouldn't I be?

Fluffyraggies? Will do my best re' the 4 point plan; Haha Yes re' DS; Hmm, My son? When am I next seeing him? <checks calendar> I'm seeing him again........ponders - wrestles calendar to find right page; There, Yep, I've got him over a week on Fri' (next after this) through to the Sun' that week. And yes - I can't put into word just how much I love parenting him smile

geegee888 Thu 18-Oct-12 10:46:19

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Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 11:04:15

Madge? I'm not reporting anything - I don't want a war with you Miss; (Sighs wearily); I never did - just think we got off on the wrong foot is all; Anyway? I just don't want you to insult me again was all; I didn't think it was nice is all & would much prefer to just be called out on mistakes instead of launched at as before; Can we have done with that now please?

laptopcomputer? I was only talking about me as there was a lot of issues surrounding & upsetting me & I just wanted help plotting a way through the minefields was all; I got that & appreciate it. I am sorting out my son's custody ahead of all else now - There's only 1 more hearing left & then? That's it.........Fingers crossed. The other reason I'm talking about myself is? I know a lot of the problems surrounding me involve or originate with me & I'm trying to resolve them (with any help I get) from here so that in future in RL (& online)? I don't hurt as many people as I have in the past without thinking what I say or who I say it to & in short? I'm trying to become a better, more emotionally mature & sensitive want to help myself get better inside & like myself again & even find myself - then? I think the rest will fall into place As to another relationship? I've already said I put the one I was getting into to one side for now much though that hurt. sad

Makeitalarge? As do I re' Flow4;

We seem very alike in some ways LoL - in the lifetime ago that I was at uni'? I went through whole jotter note pads with a few lessons notes & page after page after page etc to make 3 or 4 (could have been small) points; This wound up my teachers no end though I always thought notes were meant to be thorough? Anyway it annoyed them as I say the school staff but it esp' got the back up of my history lecturer who said she hated marking my work & in the end? Introduced me to what she called the "meataxe method" as in taking one to it & chopping, words, letters & paragraphs etc out to leave the Very barest minimum to get your point across; Trouble with that is sometimes? I'd end up taking to much off & messing up work - further problem? It's a Very long time Since I used that method & I don't know if I'll still remember i? I can but try I guess.

I do enjoy writing yes - No I don't have a diary or blog though thought about starting one or the other at times & will certainly keep that in mind now re' storing feelings there & being short, succinct here.

I know I had abuse (some of it warranted for that car-crash OP) TY re' your kind words; Re' standing ground? I was born under the starsign of Cancer & whilst we move sideways often to sidestep conflict & hate straight out battles? If we really want something or are determined to fight for it? We'll use our shells as armour, stand our ground like a limpet mine & fight to the bloody minded finish before Ever giving an inch & on much of this thread? Well let's just say I've probably been in Full limpet mode for a little while now & am not moving from that anytime soon wink.
I know I've had a lot of problems & am maybe dwelling on them a bit which in turn might let them damage &/or try to destroy me but in truth? I've been trying to line up the problems one by one & work through them - trouble is? As I solve one - another 2 appear like the ancient Hydra which lost one head & got 2 more confused I'm trying to move on but by trying to tackle them one by one am I doing this the wrong way do you think? If so what should I do/how should I do it IYO Makeitalarge?
Yes I've sensed for a while I'm doing/have done something wrong re' my attitude to women & That other than the "finding myself" & sorting out my son's future parts of all this? Is the problem I most want to sort out out so how do I begin doing that? And yes you'd guess right re' the social interaction with other people in RL - I really do Not like going out unless I really have to in truth? Have hated doing that (going out) for years now. Get out & make friends/try to rebuild some sort of social network for myself yes? I can try that & see where it goes - TY for your advice again all & will look at/do my best to (follow) implement into my life well in future as best as I can - Will it work? We shall see...............

OK bye for now.


GhostShip Thu 18-Oct-12 11:04:36

Same re' you Ghostship?

You've just done it again in that very sentence!

coppertop Thu 18-Oct-12 11:09:20

If Redline has been writing this way since university, it's a bit much to expect him to be able to change his writing style within the time-frame of a single thread.

He's said he's taking the advice he's gained from this thread and will do his best to put his plans into action. What more is he reasonably expected to do? confused

Redline Thu 18-Oct-12 11:14:56

TY coppertop - I've always used/overused questionmarks since uni' yes but the other stuff like symbols & bold etc? Don't know How I got into that in truth - think I used it once to emphasise some words in 4th year at Seniors School during the class of a teacher I (& not a few others) absolutely hated & it just stuck from there esp' given how red his fa ce went when we saw him see what we'd written & what was purposely wrong with All our work papers lol (A largeish group of us did it first as a prank IIRR? - We all used a different symbol to annoy him so one had question marks, all over it, one bold writing & normal, one italic script & so on; 'twas highly funny for a while); As I said? Old habits & all that.........grin

Anyway - from now on? I will try & apply the adice to both my typing & RL situations - Fingers crossed........blush

Sorry GhostShip - I did say I'm Trying to learn - Trudges wearily back to blackboard - might take a while to sink in................confused

Iodine Thu 18-Oct-12 11:30:16

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geegee888 Thu 18-Oct-12 11:33:38

OP - re your writing style. Have you seriously never noticed its a lot different to other people's?

And has it therefore never occurred to you that you come across as very strange and odd because of it?

Just in case I haven't made it clear, the impression that your odd style of writing gives is that you are a very disturbed person.

Can you not simply copy how others write/behave/interact, and learn that way? People simply do not want to hear this amount of detail. You will alienate them instead of engaging them.

Though to be honest, if as an adult, you haven't worked this out for yourself by now, you are probably a hopeless case.

Pancakeflipper Thu 18-Oct-12 11:48:46

Redline - I hate how you talk about your ex. Even if she is the vilest female ever, you don't need to bang on about through out your post. And I bet her version of your relationship would be very different.

The new woman should run for the hills based on your opening post.

bantamrooster Thu 18-Oct-12 11:55:54

There's quite a lot of bile being poured out in the original post, although as Redline says he'd had wine and painkillers and a very bad day, so it was a bit too stream-of-consciousness to make much sense.

Can I make one suggestion for people here: I think the OP now has a plan of action, which he's written himself here and other people have pointed out similar ones.

Redline - you now have something to do. Don't keep responding on this thread, as your writing style is, as has been pointed out, going to wind people up. I'm not qualified in any way to say whether you have mental health issues, but counseling would be advised. And please please can you try and keep responses succinct, take out all unnecessary bolding and punctuation as it's not going to help.

Go do what you have decided needs doing. Back away from the new woman, seek counseling to deal with the issues you've had in the past, focus on your child, and stop posting on forums like this as your prose style is just going to invite more criticism, which you don't need.

Good luck

brrbrrwinteriscoming Thu 18-Oct-12 12:34:39

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Chubfuddler Thu 18-Oct-12 12:42:49

Please stop calling grown women "miss". It is patronising in the extreme.

I don't think this board can help you, you need professional help. You really really do.

MakeItALarge Thu 18-Oct-12 12:57:29

Redline I have a hell of a lot of problems, just like all the people on this thread. And on mumsnet, and in RL. Occasionally I will chat to a friend about something that is upsetting them and realise how lucky I am I dont have their problems to contend with. When I have a shit day I can tell a friend, they tell me of their shit day, we help and cheer each other up. You sound very self centred and appear to be carrying round years of resentment.

I get the impression you dont do that- for you this situation is the be all and end all, the only thing in your life. When was the last time you asked someone, in RL, how they were and then listened, without comparing it to yourself or waiting for your turn to share.

Do have have a job, hobbies or intrests? Im guessing you have a lot of time on your hands for such long posts, but in truth the quantity puts people off and they skim read or give up.
Keep to details and proof read

boredandrestless Thu 18-Oct-12 13:23:14

I have to say I have never EVER seen such long winded waffly bullshit on here - and that's saying something!

I have tried and failed to read each post you have written, and am having to take info from other poster's replies. Try to use 5 words instead of 20. People don't have hours to read - you would get more replies and advice if you did this and that's why I'm pointing it out to you.

This woman has a teen DD and a responsible job. You are unemployed(?). Have a nasty custody battle going on over a young child where allegations have been made about you and your child is known to social services. You have a painkiller addicition. I'm sorry but in her shoes I'd be backing off --running for the hills--and leaving you to sort yourself out. Going through your custody issues, battling your addiction with help from GP, and getting some general counselling.

You haven't even slept together yet and there's all this pedestal worshipping and angst. hmm

ScreamingManAndGoryOn Thu 18-Oct-12 13:37:04

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BellaTata Thu 18-Oct-12 13:40:20


This is mumsnet, why not go on the dadsnet section and post there. I haven't read all your post as you kept saying anway and the bold words and smileys were getting on my nerves.

Go back to your old thread about your PK addition and ED and carry on posting there.

CelineMcBean Thu 18-Oct-12 15:42:11

I'm not sure what the poor folk over in Dadsnet have done to deserve this either?!

Perhaps best solution for op is probably to turn off the computer and see that counsellor. They are paid to listen and can be extremely helpful.

You need to stop waffling. Seriously. I have no idea what your problem is because I have given up reading each and every one of your posts.

What is with the abundance of unnecessary crap? Couldn't you just get to the point?!

AmIthatbad Thu 18-Oct-12 16:30:29

brrbrr your post made me laugh. I wanted to do something similar but was too scared as my last post got removed

Nancy66 Thu 18-Oct-12 16:34:59

Nice to see a semicolon though

MadgeHarvey Thu 18-Oct-12 16:57:13

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flow4 Thu 18-Oct-12 17:33:45

You are being grossly and unnecessarily nasty, Madge. Calling anyone - let alone someone who is obviously disturbed - a "howling froot*loop" is very offensive. If he annoys you, just stop reading.

brrbrrwinteriscoming Thu 18-Oct-12 21:35:00

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brrbrrwinteriscoming Thu 18-Oct-12 21:38:10

do you think this thread could win some kind of prize for the sheer amount of people who have had their posts deleted? ohh! I hope so!

MadgeHarvey Thu 18-Oct-12 21:40:52

<<<gnnnn unnnng gnnnn hnnnnfffffgggg>>

<<gagged and sitting on hands>>


Pancakeflipper Thu 18-Oct-12 21:47:26

I think it could win the award for the longest post where you get to the end and wonder actually what was the question?

Bobyan Thu 18-Oct-12 22:21:34

Dude, she's just not that into you.

JudeFawley Thu 18-Oct-12 22:26:47

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NotQuintAtAllOhNo Thu 18-Oct-12 22:29:12

Wow, never ever seen such a disorganized and ludicrous post. Is your mind always this chaotic?

The difference between you and Woody Allen is that HE has a point.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Thu 18-Oct-12 22:31:57

Sorry, I posted in haste. Knee jerk reaction to your first post.

See a counselor. Get some help organize your thoughts. But if I were you, I would think twice about any custody battles right now. You sound like you need a break.

AmIthatbad Thu 18-Oct-12 22:38:43

OMFG. I CANNOT believe that brrbrrr's very clever post was deleted. Jeez, it made me laugh every time I read it.

Mind you, mine was deleted and I never said anything bad, Oddball aint that much of an insult, really.]

On top of the Scottish, marsbar,haggis, shortbread, ignorance thread, I am really losing faith in MN as the home of free expression with deference to others.

werewolvesdidit Thu 18-Oct-12 22:43:41

A lot of you seem desperate to bully someone who is clearly vulnerable and has come here asking for advice. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Pumpster Thu 18-Oct-12 22:44:14

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JudeFawley Thu 18-Oct-12 22:47:38

I have given it another go.

Nope, still can't make head nor tail of it.

All I can see is annoyingly bad writing style and hugely irritating references to 'ladies'.

flow4 Thu 18-Oct-12 22:48:37

I'm really shocked at the amount of name-calling and personal abuse in this thread. To my mind, it's equivalent to picking on the kid with Aspergers in school.

Rhinestone Thu 18-Oct-12 23:02:11

The majority of posters on here should hang their heads in shame.

You are bullying a man who clearly has physical and mental health problems. the pain from those metal plates must be horrendous. It's amazing he can write at all.

Some of you would be the same ones condemning Frankie Boyle et al for jokes about the disabled. Well you're no better. Yes the op's style is annoying. Lots of facets of various disabilities / learning difficulties / conditions are.

Grow up you bunch of playground bullies and show an ounce of fucking compassion.

Good luck Redline and I hope life improves for you soon.

ZacharyQuack Thu 18-Oct-12 23:15:34

Please stop referring to posters as 'Miss'. You have no idea whether they are male or female.

Can you also please get a screwdriver and use it to prise the following keys from your keyboard :


And perhaps you should get a Twitter account so that you can practice getting your point across within 140 characters.

AmIthatbad Thu 18-Oct-12 23:16:40

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flow4 Thu 18-Oct-12 23:36:57

AmIthatbad, "I am a carer for a child with ASD and LD" is no more of an argument than "I've got a black friend so I can't be racist". hmm

Frankly, some of the attacks and insults in this thread could be seen as online harassment of the OP, which is a criminal offence:

And since it seems that the OP has long-term health condition(s), some of these posts could also be seen as disability hate crime.

Shocking. Really shocking.


There is no way a bloke wrote. No bloke I know would say mahoosive.

AmIthatbad Thu 18-Oct-12 23:52:51

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ScarahStratton Thu 18-Oct-12 23:55:53


All I managed to grasp from this thread is the new woman is an Angel, the XW and her family are Devils, he has a DS, and verbal diarrhea.

And quite possibly he's a teacher.

The rest just went 'whooooooooooosh'. And for once I really, really wanted a character limit on posts.

AmIthatbad Fri 19-Oct-12 00:00:33

Scarah think you have it all sussed ;-)

LineRunner Fri 19-Oct-12 00:07:07

He's not a teacher. He has a degree in law.

stuffitunderthebed Fri 19-Oct-12 00:14:29

I feel all guilty now.

OP, how are you feeling?

Any contact with your new woman?

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 19-Oct-12 01:10:26

Is English your first language Op?

Redline Fri 19-Oct-12 05:36:41

LadyBeagleEyes - Of course.

Stuffitunderthebed - I feel a little better this morn' - No; We haven't spoken since Saturday evening. Thanks for asking & your concern.

BellaTata Fri 19-Oct-12 05:42:03

That's the only post of yours on here that I managed to read until the end.

Redline Fri 19-Oct-12 05:43:42

Flow4 - thanks for your help & answers to; The attacks don't bother me really - I've had Far worse in RL before & got through that OK eventually; These though it hurts that people have decided to write that when I was trying to be civil & ask for help (albeit in a rather confused manner) - well eventually - they Just bounce off me in truth - My mental armour's a Lot stronger than might first appear.......

dysfunctionalme Fri 19-Oct-12 05:50:32

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Redline Fri 19-Oct-12 05:54:14

I have my problems dysfunction -as do we all- and I probably didn't write the OP in the best of moods/at the best of times;

Redline Fri 19-Oct-12 06:06:07

Anyway? Just to say TY to all who wrote & esp' those who offered advice. I found some of it Very useful. Now? I'm going to concentrate on putting my 4 point plan into practise in RL & changing myself for the better.

Just a word to those who insulted/had a go at me? You obviously didn't do it properly as most of it? Just bounced off me rather than hurting me; Better luck next time & I hope you don't feel the need to be quite So nasty should I write again here anytime soon. TY all for answering whatever you wrote & all the best; As to this thread? For me it's Done I'm off now & won't be back.

bagofholly Fri 19-Oct-12 06:20:43

I think you've been treated very badly on this thread. What happened in court, redline?

MissPerception Fri 19-Oct-12 06:53:32

Sorry, I gave up after the second paragraph - and all those words in bold smile

flow4 Fri 19-Oct-12 07:42:57

Redline: I'm glad you're resilient, but sorry you need to be. I can't abide bullies. Good luck following your plan.

fluffyraggies Fri 19-Oct-12 09:22:48

Redline - if you've left the thread purely because it has run it's course for you and to get on with your plan then good smile I wish you luck. I really hope your home doesn't get pulled out from under your feet in the next couple of weeks, after all the work you've done on it, and that you find a way to get more contact with your son. Maybe update us in a few weeks.

If you've left prematurely because of some of the posts, then that's a sad sad thing - and i feel if that is the case then MN has let itself down. If people can't cope with your posting style they needn't read it.

Perhaps if you do choose to post again, redline, do it Rships. It's a little gentler there.

coppertop Fri 19-Oct-12 09:34:58

Good luck with your plans for the way forward, Redline.

This thread has been a display of vile bullying. If you don't like the way that a poster writes then step away from the thread. I'm the one who reported the thread to MNHQ, not Redline.

The "no filter between what you think and what you say/write" is actually a fairly common feature with Aspergers/Autism. I know of a couple of adults IRL who write/speak in the same manner as Redline. Both have Aspergers. I'd like to think that they don't have people coming up to them and telling them they're "mental" or "barking", but after this thread I'm not so sure.

I hope you feel able to come back at some point, Redline. As has already been said, it's probably safer to post in Relationships.

I think it's hilarious that posters that defend OP feel that they can diagnose him with various conditions!

Look some people have been nasty. Others have been frustrated because no matter how many times he was asked, he wouldn't stop typing that way! I don't believe anyone in the history of the world has picked up that writing style at uni or anywhere else!

Put it this way: if a friend phoned you needing help and they were rambling and incoherent you wouldn't just guess what the general idea of the problem was would you? You'd ask tell them to slow down and explain themselves properly!

Tbf I do think that's what a lot of the negative posts were about!

I agree with copper and noone is being forced to read the posts

coppertop Fri 19-Oct-12 09:53:12

I haven't diagnosed Redline with anything. confused

" if a friend phoned you needing help and they were rambling and incoherent you wouldn't just guess what the general idea of the problem was would you? You'd ask tell them to slow down and explain themselves properly!"

Presumably you wouldn't tell them repeatedly that they were "mental", "barking", made you feel sick, and some of the other 'lovely' comments on here that have now been deleted?

And as I mentioned further down the thread, if the OP has been writing like this for years, it's unreasonable to expect him to change in the course of a single thread.

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 19-Oct-12 10:45:28

I asked if English was his first language because no one speaks like that in real life, particularly him calling posters Miss. Who does that any more?
I've skimmed through the threads because they're totally unreadable.
He is extremely irritating and I still don't know what his question is.

The "no filter between what you think and what you say/write" is actually a fairly common feature with Aspergers/Autism. I know of a couple of adults IRL who write/speak in the same manner as Redline. Both have Aspergers. I'd like to think that they don't have people coming up to them and telling them they're "mental" or "barking", but after this thread I'm not so sure.

Not a diagnosis, no. But a fairly big leap to assume that people would mistreat those with diagnosed conditions because they're irritated by posts on a forum!

SOME people called him names. But a LOT of people were genuinely pissed off with an unnecessarily verbose posting style!

coppertop Fri 19-Oct-12 14:05:15

"But a LOT of people were genuinely pissed off with an unnecessarily verbose posting style!"

In which case why not leave the thread? Or, if you feel so strongly about someone else's use of question marks, say so and then leave the thread. Why keep coming back again and again to insult the OP, as several posters on this thread did?

"Not a diagnosis, no. But a fairly big leap to assume that people would mistreat those with diagnosed conditions because they're irritated by posts on a forum!"

But how would you know that the person had a diagnosed condition unless they came out and told you? Typing "You're mental" or "You're barking!" or "You're a howling froot loop!" is no better than saying it to their face.

The OP acknowledged early yesterday morning that he needs to get help and counselling to address his issues. Yet a full day later there were still posters coming on to the thread just to ridicule his style of writing and to call him names. If that's not bullying, I don't know what is.

The thing is, posters asked him repeatedly to cut out all the crap so they could help him.

You think they shouldn't post on the thread but those are the hits you take when posting on an internet forum!

I actually think he was really rude and inconsiderate. Ok, not to the name callers but the posters who weren't calling name names, who told him they couldn't get through his posts, he just completely ignored.

He didn't try to change his style at all.

Now, he doesn't have to. But one could say that as much as people don't have to read his posts, he doesn't have to read theirs either!

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 19-Oct-12 15:31:39

And I've still no idea what the actual problem is.
What exactly is he asking?
It just seemed to be a tirade against his ex.

I don't know Lady it's something to do with the Angel's job I think.

Iodine Fri 19-Oct-12 15:55:51

Coppertop- I didn't say he made me feel sick. I said his writing style did as it reminded me of the man who stalked me and it's true. I was stalked for two years by someone who wrote me long, rambling letters like this and yes, it brings up feelings of fear, anxiety and makes me want to vomit.

I did not say he makes me feel sick as I don't know the man.

givemeaclue Fri 19-Oct-12 16:54:57

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flow4 Fri 19-Oct-12 20:02:47

"The thing is, posters asked him repeatedly to cut out all the crap so they could help him... He didn't try to change his style at all".

So, waltermitty, are you suggesting that it's reasonable to tell people with Tourette's to stop their bloody swearing? hmm Or to tell people with OCD to relax and stop fussing about a bit of mess, cos they're just neurotic? hmm Or to tell depressed people just to pull their socks up, the miserable gits? hmm

What about telling that wheelchair user just to get up and walk, the stupid loser? hmm angry

No, it's not. It's rude and insensitive. And if do it deliberately, it's bullying. And if you keep coming back to do it over and over again, it's quite possibly criminal harassment.

Don't be so ridiculous! FFS how can you possibly compare the OP's writing style to someone being in a wheelchair?!

OP himself said he started writing this way as a way of annoying someone in uni and it stuck.

But if you want to trivialise actual disabilities by comparing them to someone being annoying then go ahead. hmm

givemeaclue Fri 19-Oct-12 20:23:47

I find it hard to believe op ever attended uni...

flow4 Fri 19-Oct-12 22:01:25

I believe the OP has genuine problems, so the people who are mocking him for this are offensive.
You believe he's simply annoying, so just stop reading.

beitou Fri 19-Oct-12 22:03:21

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You believe he has genuine problems. But you don't know it so I think the comparison to actual disabilities is out of order.

flow4 Fri 19-Oct-12 22:51:12

I don't.

The OP does have 'actual disabilities' including metal plates in his face, chronic long-term pain, a dependency to prescription painkillers and diagnosed long-term depression.

He also seems likely to have one or more other mental health problems - i.e. 'hidden disabilities'.

He has said he is lonely and miserable, that he 'dwells on the bad things that have happened', that he hates going out, that he is anxious, and that he suffers frequent abuse in real life.

Yet posters have called him all kinds of names, including 'mental', 'barking' and 'fruit loop'... sad angry

It is vile bullying of a vulnerable person.

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 19-Oct-12 23:01:33

He said all that flow?
Tbh I CBA reading his posts, after struggling through the first one I lost interest.
Good to hear that someone managed to have the patience to decipher the rest.
Maybe for the rest of us, you could give us a quick precis.
Though don't call me Miss.

blueballoon79 Fri 19-Oct-12 23:02:36

I agree with flow4 the level of bullying on this post has been disgusting and I've just read in horror.

It's like playground behaviour.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Fri 19-Oct-12 23:05:22

flow I agree with you

I wish this thread had been deleted long ago

it has been horrible to watch

I am the first to give a dickhead bloke a dig on here, but really ?

this is a soft target folks...go have a go at the real fuckwits on here

make a start with the James Bond thread in FWR

there is a post been allowed to stand on that thread that needs decrying from the highest fucking heavens except we have radio silence and HQ refusing to delete

priorities, people, come on

flow4 Fri 19-Oct-12 23:08:10

If you still doubt that the OP is disabled, read this.

And if you still don't think the name-calling is harassment, read this.

I agree, but then I always wonder why the fuck people don't just ignore if they can't decipher a post.

Also why is it that unless a post contains short to the point paragraphs some people are unable to read them, and when they can't why do they feel it's ok to have a go at the op about it.

Scheherezade Fri 19-Oct-12 23:22:32

There is some horrible, bullying, sexist crap here.

If a woman had posted that they had suffered the same as OP has from a male ex (domestic violence, physical attacks, death threats) they wouldn't be told to just "get along" with her "for the sake of the kids". She's the childs mother etc.

I hate MN sometimes.

Scheherezade Fri 19-Oct-12 23:25:50

In fact, the posters on here remind me very much of that "I'm a prefect" video, goading and taunting a vulnerable innocent person.

aldiwhore Fri 19-Oct-12 23:27:34

Sorry but I'd have said the same.

Although I agree with your association... and yes, that bugs me also.

Male or female, the op waffled so much that it was hard to think anyone in his life would feel like they had room to express themselves.. white noise.

scheherezade I do agree in theory, that there's a massive difference in reaction regarding a male op and a female. However, I think many people HAVE been fair... as far as forums go the op 'talks' a lot and listens little... and male or female, I kind of feel sorry for the new 'potential' partner for that alone. (The references to 'angel' and 'demon' I take with a pinch of salt to be honest, not my taste of vocabulary but hey ho).

flow4 Fri 19-Oct-12 23:31:08

If you are really interested, LadyBeagle, I can:

The OP has met someone he really likes and thinks he is falling in love.

He has had a really, really shit time. He has had a very messy and bitter breakdown to his previous relationship, and is still in the middle of stressful legal proceedings (so stressful that he broke down and cried after the last day in court, the day before yesterday, and his barrister was so sorry for him that she hugged him).

He is really worried about custody arrangements for his son, and about how the boy will be affected by the bitterness between him and his ex.

He can't work and he doesn't have many friends, so he doesn't get out much.

On top of this, he has a terrible injury that means he has metal plates in his face, and almost constant pain and frequent blinding headaches. As a result he has developed a dependency on prescription pain-killers.

I'd also say he has mental health problems, though he doesn't say so himself.

He is miserable and stressed and lonely and things have felt very bleak indeed. He faces real-life abuse as well as abuse here, possibly because he is a bit odd. Despite this, he tries to keep his sense of humour and humanity (he didn't say that - it's my opinion).

The woman he has met is the first nice thing that has happened to him in a very long time. He is desperately afraid all the shit in his life will put her off. In fact, he isn't stupid, and he knows it is putting her off. He is pretty devastated by that. He thinks he is going to lose her just as he's getting involved, and he doesn't know if he can stand it.

His original post didn't have a clear AIBU because he was drunk and grief-stricken and panicked, but if he'd expressed himself more clearly, it might have been something like "AIBU to hope for happiness after all this shit?" or "AIBU to panic now?" or "AIBU to feel like my heart is breaking?"

I have rarely seen a poster more deserving of compassion. And I have never seen a poster so badly abused.

It has disgusted and upset me.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Fri 19-Oct-12 23:36:50

come on one and all here

take your aggression out on someone who deserves it

Scheherezade Fri 19-Oct-12 23:39:59

Bravo, flow.

I think the waffling as so many people have called it could be due to the pain killers

Give me a few tramadol or strong co codamol and I probably don't always make as much sense as I think. Actually give me a few vodkas and the same might happen.

zeldapinwheel Sat 20-Oct-12 05:15:21

What's? With? All? The? Question? Marks? Very? Irritating?

Redline Sat 20-Oct-12 05:30:51

TY Flow4, Moominsarescary & HappyHalloweenMF & all others who wrote here with understanding &/or kind words;

Your understanding & compassion to me meant a lot to read & your words Flow4 touched me as they showed me some people Do listen & try to understand. TY for all you've written & for not condemning me out of hand.

So you & those who don't think to much of me can put a face to me & see if I do indeed look like an idiot/nutcase/loopy etc? And so you can judge for yourselves how happy my little boy & me are with each other or not?

Take a look at the link below

This is me & my boy;

Anyway? I wasn't going to write here again but thought I'd just put this down as thanks to you all & the others here who wrote kindly to me. I know I'm not easy to understand & can be annoying at times, but I only wanted help &/or advice - to those who gave me it? Thank you all from my heart.

Redline Sat 20-Oct-12 05:34:04

If that link doesn't work? Try this one;

Just thought I'd show I'm not a complete maniac as some seem to think is all;

Anyway thanks to all those who helped & answered me again. I really appreciate it and feel happier for knowing you all cared. smile

Redline Sat 20-Oct-12 06:14:53

BTW Flow4? Your summary is basically All that's happened to me in a concise little nutshell for the past 7 years or so since my life changed completely? You put it Far better than I ever could but that? Is basically me & is all true (inc' my fears/feelings etc). TY for summarising it so well.

OhWesternWind Sat 20-Oct-12 06:30:48

Redline I don't really have any advice to offer but I just wanted to say that I really hope things get better for you and your life starts to be easier. Please take no notice of the unhelpful comments on here but relationships might be a better place to post next time for a more understanding response. Good luck.

Redline Sat 20-Oct-12 06:46:34

TY Westernwind - I'll remember that & go to Relationships next time then. TY for your good luck wishes to - Suspect I might need them in the next month or so.............

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sat 20-Oct-12 09:41:27

Kudos Flow. Wise words indeed. You succeeded where so many of us failed.

I am ashamed.

Good Luck Redline. brew

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Oct-12 10:01:02

Redline, I agree with what some of the other nice, helpful posters have suggested.

You really should get some counselling. I was in a violent relationship for years and it takes a long time to sort out your feelings about this.

Also, perhaps I'm not understanding this properly, so correct me if I'm not, but you don't seem to have much self esteem and I think the counselling would really help with that.

You sound like a wonderful father who just wants the best for his son. I hope the court case goes well for you.

As to the new woman you've met, it's just my opinion but I think you've started a new realtionship far too early. I think you need some time on your own to just concentrate on you and making yourself better. You need to love yourself first and foremost before embarking on anything new then you'll be in a much stronger position to deal with everything.

I wish you lots of luck, you sound like you've been having a terrible time and I hope life improves for you soon.

I feel quite bad now sad

Redline I didn't call you any names but I did complain about your posting style and I shouldn't have. I could have just left the thread and said nothing so I apologise.

I sincerely hope things work out well for you.

coppertop Sat 20-Oct-12 15:52:25

I'm glad you felt able to come back, Redline.

Wishing you and your boy the very best of luck.

ScarahStratton Sat 20-Oct-12 16:22:55

That just shows me my photos. confused

Redline Sat 20-Oct-12 18:11:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redline Sat 20-Oct-12 18:11:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redline Sat 20-Oct-12 18:18:55

BTW just to ask is there a way to link to your photo gallery on MN so others can use the link to see it? If so what do you do? Just wondered as I have a couple of nice photos on there & being a (*Very*) proud daddy? Thought you wouldn't mind seeing my munchkin either? Anyway if not? Doesn't matter - the other link I posted just now (twitter?) does work, I know that much.

Scheherezade Sat 20-Oct-12 18:35:53

I think your profile is set to private, so we can't click on your name which would link to it.

flippinada Sat 20-Oct-12 19:11:34

What a lovely post flow.

OP, good luck to you. It sounds like you've had a very rough time (putting it mildly). A word of warning though - please don't give out information like you and your sons real names online.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sat 20-Oct-12 19:24:13

Red, if there is an ongoing court case, I'm not sure it's a good idea to link RL names and photographs

Just a thought.

Your ds is lovely, btw, but maybe report your post with the twitter link which also links in with your FB.

oh, and stick with twitter, I think the character limit on posts is more suited to your style smile

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 20-Oct-12 19:51:46

Hello there OP
We have removed the link to your RL name.
Do let us know if you would like us to move this thread out of AIBU and into our relationships topic, Thanks

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 20-Oct-12 19:53:02

And for those who may need a refresher here are our guidelines

Redline Sun 21-Oct-12 00:50:32

Sorry Oliviamumsnet & MN HQ? Total brain frazzle from me on my part - Totally forgot my twitter account used my Real RL name in it (told you I don't use it much - Doh!!). Thanks for blanking that link for the abovementioned reasons. By all means move this thread to relationships from AIBU - Had I possessed a modicum of sense instead of being in the stupid state I was when I wrote the OP? I'd have opened it there myself.

TY Flipinada for your wise words - was very stupid of me to forget re' the twitter name thing like that. Will stick to MN & their gallery feature in future If I can figure out how to use it methinks. Scheherezade? How do you set your profile to public & will do that with mine to open any links to it/it's gallery?

Redline Sun 21-Oct-12 00:52:47

HappyHalloween I take it you saw him then? Just wondered do you think we looked alike? A lot of people said we do but can't see myself & amongst the many (many sad ) taunts I've had off his mum in our rows is the inevitable "he's not yours". I think the looks prove otherwise in that at least...........

Redline Sun 21-Oct-12 01:37:51

Hi again? Just to say I think I've set up my profile page correctly & available to view now along with it's gallery so anyone who wants to know about me - see me & the munchkin (Minus Names this time LoL)? Try the link below & if it still doesn't work? Please tell me that you tried it & it didn't & I'll try & fix whatever's gone wrong.............again. confused blush hmm

Redline Sun 21-Oct-12 06:15:15

A brief Note? Just to say (Before I start this post in full) That I've tried to remove the writing style I had before so if anyone wants to read this? It shouldn't be to offputting/annoying however the length? Is something I could do little about because basically last night? My feelings kind of exploded in the opposite direction to the horrible lows of late & I felt like...............Well read on & you'll see what happend - the update etc is in the speech marks since I pasted it from something I wrote in Word before putting here to avoid mistakes;

"Just a (long) update re' the Real topic of this thread? The woman I'm (getting) involved with? Contacted me again last night for the first time in a week - we had a long(& then some) heart to heart & basically it transpired that I had been worrying over very little (as I often do nowadays blush) She hadn't contacted me as her work had put her down for a truly nasty set of shifts (Very long hours & finishing very late indeed a number of nights during these shifts) for the past (& much of next) week mainly because someone else had been off ill so she wasn't just "on call" but actually had to replace someone in half of their normal shifts along with one of her other colleagues until they came back?

Anyway the advantage of that is she'll get more than a few extra days off once said colleague (whose away ill) is back -prob' by next week- And we're planning to spend a few days/some substantial amounts of time together & meet up (more than once) a few times during her days off then. - We only live 18-20 miles apart or so in our respective towns (almost on the outskirts of different sides of London) but due to her hours & my lack of financial wherewithal right now (most of what I get goes on bills, my boy or stocking up for the next fortnight re’ food & drink)? We've been unable to spend a decent amount of time together until now?

During our talk last night, This woman also told me that yes she cares for me as I do her & yes she really Does want to make a go of it & try transforming (slowly) what we're growing into together from being involved/seeing one another into an actual full-blown relationship. The problem in her being able to say t his (or not) until last night was because I’d (without realising) made a Very bad mistake in the summer that really hurt her feelings for me (& hurt her really badly as well); That basically? She wasn't as trusting of me as she had been before & since we first met up until that point.

It had, she said taken her all the time until now (from June - late October) to build her trust in me Back up enough to try & resume our fledgling relationship to the point we were at together back in June before said horrible error on my part; On my part? It didn't help that I was always worried she'd suddenly just say she'd had enough of me & leave as several of my previous partners have done in the past out of the blue; We discussed all this, the fledgling relationship we currently have, our hopes, fears & feelings for one another & reassured one another & basically ended up saying we're now effectively 'seeing' one another & growing into what will be a full relationship together in the not-to-distant future.

Anyway With the end of my son's case finally approaching in the next month or so & looking quite good for me (fingers crossed) & my brother about to become a dad again in the next few weeks (for the Second time in 14 months) shock I'm finally feeling Very happy for the first time in a long while or at least feel it today anyway; And whilst I’m not Quite in love yet with my new Lady yet having looked at my feelings in depth over the last couple of days & realised you Can't just fall in love that quickly - you need a good year or so IMO for that to happen;

I am however most definitely falling For her now there's No doubt about that at all & whilst I know a few on here have counselled me against entering into a relationship so soon After the disaster that was my 6 years of hell with my ex' ? I feel like I'm falling for this woman & can't stop myself now; Especially now I finally Know she's falling for me every bit as much as I am herl since that talk? Was when she Finally told me she was falling for me every bit as much as I was her – She? Had just been hiding it better was all since like me? She’s rather shy in expressing what she Really feels deep inside until she’s sure it’s right to do so blush

Anyway? I think I've definitely emotionally matured somewhat in this past few weeks with all that's gone on & I feel much more secure in my own head & self now I Know that someone has affection for me that isn't just going to disappear as it has done so many times in the past – A lot of the insecurity I felt before even last night when we chatted down the phone & later online (in some cases which had been there for many Years?) Just melted away when she told me what she Really felt for me & I feel much, much happier & warmer inside now. I still have my problems yes but I think very soon? Emotional turmoil inside me? Will not be one of them any longer & I for one? Won’t miss it.

Me & this woman? Have something solid now, I know that & we both have decided to grow into our (currently fledgling) relationship hand in hand & face together whatever the future holds for us both. We're not constantly talking yet or inseparable but we're close - she also told me last night that (like me)? She thinks about me all the time & even thinks of contacting me sometimes but can’t think of anything to say (much like me with her quite often when I pick up the phone – feel really shy & put it down againblush) Basically now? I'm very happy to be so close with someone who thinks of me what I do her & nothing else (no bullying, blackmail or withholding affection ala certain exes of mine) after so very long & what she told me last night made me happier than I've been in a very long time. Fingers crossed me & the new woman will grow into something beautiful together as our relationship progresses in the future from that point forwards.

In summary - With all else that's going on in my family that I just mentioned (although there's a couple of not so nice feuds & disputes as well but they've been quiet of late) & my son's case close to concluding as well? I'm happier than I've been in a long, long while & feel refreshed, reinvigorated & strengthened in spirit to undertake my 4 point plan I outlined earlier with the exception that the point re' my new (soon to be fingers crossed) DP? Will now involve us holding off a definite move Into a relationship until the end of the court case rather than meeting up & considering whether to even try for a relationship once the case concludes.

Anyway, I’d just like to say to all who posted on this thread whether in support (& not) of me? Thanks for writing & your advice & some of your criticisms – They’ve enabled me to look at myself somewhat – eliminate or start to remove a few flaws in my character & might even have helped move the new woman towards saying all she did last night (she did say she’d noticed a couple of changes in me since last we spoke & she liked them) . To Finish? I've come to feel so happy in this past day & night? I've felt high extremes of feeling happy, Pleased & warm to levels that I'd forgotten ever even existed; With all this in mind? I think I'll warmly take my exit of this thread now a very, very happy man. Thanks again for all your help & I guess this might prove in a way? That all good things Do indeed come to those who wait & now since basically everything changed in one night & those things I wanted so much have come to me after so much long waiting? Well, I just couldn't be happier....................

smile smile smile

thanks thanksthanks "

Good lick Redline but please do consider going to counselling soon.

Redline Sun 21-Oct-12 08:47:15

Waltermittymissus? TY for the good luck wish & hope this last post was a little more readable (did you manage to read it all OK?) I Hope so anyway. Also? I'm sorry if the post turned out to long but was So happy for once? Thought I'd put it all in for one last time - please say if you read it all/what I did wrong when writing at all (any mistakes &/or annoying bits) & will take that into account/try to modify future posts to reflect anything you & others think I can/should do.

What do you think re' what's happening now with me & my new Lady? Is it good/ok - am I doing the right thing (albeit soon after my ex'?)

Yes Waltermittymissus re' the counselling - TY for that advice smile I've already phoned a couple of numbers my barrister gave me on Wednesday afternoon at court & they said they'd get back to me due to current backlog & one gave me a sort of 'induction talk' & said they'd then see what space (they were pretty sure they had some despite that normally being a rare happening) available on their booking timetable for the next few weeks. I've looked up other numbers to try as well & might ask my GP about it & see if He can put me on a course of counselling if at all possible.

Anyhow? Just to say never fear my friend - I'm not using the massive upturn in my private lifes fortunes or (much of) my luck in general to avoid my responsibilities re' my mental wellbeing to myself & my son. I still have some significant mental issues wrong/not quite right in my head & I know they need sorting out so will now endeavour to do just that as my other problems seem to be resolving & sorting themselves out now at long, long last. TY again for the good luck wish & for worrying enough to write on here to me; As to me? I'm very happy now & since yesterday? Have felt warm, fuzzy & light/very happy inside (not quite floating but close enough wink) & now? I just Hope (fingers crossed) it stays that smile

Thanks for everything thanks

Hi Redline your posts are much easier to read but I wouldn't waste my time worrying what grumpy cows like me think of it anyway! smile

I was out of order and you should post whatever way you want. smile

I think it's a very good thing that you've talked and have worked out a way forward. I also think it's very good that you're taking it slowly, for your own benefit.

I'll be frank, I worry that you're too happy too quickly of that makes sense. You seem to have swung from very low to very high and that does concern me a little so it may not be a bad idea to see your GP tomorrow like you said.

I'm glad you feel that things are working out but please don't put all your hopes for happiness into this relationship. You will be much happier if you concentrate on yourself and your own life. A relationship can enhance your happiness but not create it.

See? I can write long posts too! wink

flow4 Sun 21-Oct-12 09:43:03

Redline, I'm really glad things are looking better for you smile

I'd also like to recommend that you access some counselling soon. I noticed a page or two back that you thought you would put that off 'til after Christmas, but I really don't think you should delay. You have so much going on that I really think you need support with.

You should be able to access counselling through your GP. But there will probably be a few weeks' waiting list, so if you don't ask 'til January, you might not get support 'til March. So please, go this week!

You might also possibly be able to access counselling though a drug support agency, because everyone recognises that you'll need help to come off your prescription painkillers. Your GP should be able to refer you to a drug support service near you, or you might be able to find it yourself by Googling the name of your nearest town/city + 'drug counselling'.

Counselling will also help you as you try to build your new relationship. You have said several times that you don't want to 'overwhelm' your new girlfriend with everything that goes on inside your head, and counselling is a really good way to help with that, because you can say it all to a counsellor first or instead - let off a bit of steam or sort out your thoughts without having to worry about being a burden. Personally, I think your new relationship will stand a much better chance of success if you have some counselling to give you some 'outside support' too.

Some people worry about what people will think of them if they have counselling - it can feel a bit stigmatised. But lots of people have had counselling at some point in their lives - I bet half the people on MN - including me! And some people also worry that if the need counselling, this means they're weak - but it doesn't, it means you're strong enough to ask for help when you need it smile

Can you tell I think counselling would be really suitable and useful for you?! wink

I wish you all the best following your 'modified' 4 point plan,Redline smile

flow4 Sun 21-Oct-12 09:44:57

smile waltermittymissus
I agree with her, Redline

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sun 21-Oct-12 10:35:23

It sounds positive, redline. Glad to see some rays of happiness. But dont delay the counselling. I agree you need support, somebody to talk to about everything that is going on. Especially as you need time to digest your last few years, your relationship breakdown and custody battle. A counselor will be able to help you make sense of all this, and settle "the demons" in you to rest in this respect, at least a bit, to move on. Good luck.

sillymillyb Mon 22-Oct-12 13:22:29

I have no advice, but your little boy is gorgeous and you are right to be proud of him smile

Redline Sun 07-Apr-13 05:36:22

Just an update a few months down the line from all this? I was in a Very bad time back then when I wrote most of it; Unsure what to do, alternately elated & devastated emotionally thanks to my ex & the Lady I was trying to get together with without the ex intefering & in a vicious, very bad custody battle but now? As of this year (January 23rd to be precise?) That has All changed.......

I couldn't be happier now & yes I Did find my happy ending eventually - Admittedly no it Didn't happen with the woman I wrote about when I began this thread (yes we did eventually sleep together if only once) but in the end? A combination of the court case, my ex stalking us relentlessly via phone abuse & internet barrages & the pressures of her job? Finished us off pretty quickly soon after - Was Very upset to that After we broke up? I then found out she'd become pregnant & lost it Due in part to the unending emotional, verbal, abusive barrages from the ex' re' us & All the stress 'us' in general had given her - I felt very guilty & she was very upset & though we Still had substantial feelings for one another at the Very end? We agreed to go our separate ways & haven't spoken ever since............

After that? I was devastated & resolved to stay Away from women - which lasted for all of 2 weeks. Then? I met the woman who Surely might be (I thought then & now? She Is grin) my soulmate, (now) partner (of 3 months smile smile smile ) She lights up my days & nights & just makes me (& I her) Feel good & happy you know? Further - Although we live 40 odd miles apart (as opposed to about 25 odd with the first lady?) We see each other Far more (mainly by train) & have been together since the Very First time we met - you know those magical times you hear about between 2 people & Think only ever happen in films? Where it just 'clicks' between them? They say Everything right to one another, like All the right things for one another & push each others buttons without even trying? Well that's us. We met up that first time back in January - the date was fantastic, we ended up spending the weekend together & we've been Utterly in love ever since. I don't know - she just opened up a door in my mind & All the hurt, pain, viciousness, bile & anger of the past year? Flooded away in an instant & was replaced by happiness, contentment, peace & a sense of certainty regarding Who I am & Where I'm going - In short? I just have happiness & love right now blazing in my head & making me glow inside like a star & It's All down to her - I've done the same to her or so she says - in short? When we're together we Both feel Loved & you Can't say more than that about a relationship to recommend it. smile smile

More than all that? I Won my custody battle over my boy as well & he's now been settled here in the 2 months since it all ended at court (1 hearing early) back in February. He's at Nursery now & big school soon. Nearly 4 (May 17th) & Very settled & happy with "my daddy" as he calls me. Ex' has moved on, found someone she's moving in with soon, is a Little more mellow (& feels guilty I think at destroying my previous r'ship or helpin to?) & kind towards me & we Try to be civil/get on for DS's sake? It's Just passed the anniversary (5th April) of the day last year when I last saw my boy for 5 months until September (ish)? My How things change in a year don't they? That time & That man I was All last year? Feels like another man & a different life (& a Lot of my friends have told me that to) & now? It's just All blurring into my past Very fast now...........

In short? Guess I'm trying to say it Does get better if you battle on long enough & Don't let everything get you down? I did - and not only did I sort out things re' my boy well? I totally unexpectedly Found not just What but Who I'd been looking for All Along & in the end? She came to me & we couldn't be happier. Anyhow? That's me off for a sleep now? I'm happy & in love & long may it continue..........

NB Sorry for the length? Just Thought I'd update all those who read all my confused scribblings before & let you know How things went after I stopped replying for a while? I'm in a Very happy place now (still have a Few difficulties obviously) but now? I'm not alone & have my soulmate to help me work through them as I help her also with hers. In the end? I guess I'm just writing to say Thank You to those of you who wrote good things & helped advise me back then & to those of you in difficult places now who read this? Keep going - it may not Look it? But in the end? Things Will get better.........

OK Hope you all were Ok Reading that?

Yours In Love & (Finally) Happy

Redline smile grin wink smile

thanks xx

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