To be a bit narked about this party

(150 Posts)
StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 12:17:45

oh my first AIBU....eek!

My friend and her sister are having a join 35th party. It's a train journey away (£72) and obviously I'll get her a present.

The invite has arrived and I have to take my own food and drink!

They both work and they're having the party in their well-off parents back garden (so no venue hire costs) so am I being unreasonable to think they could be supplying at least the food if not also the drink?

HumphreyCobbler Mon 15-Oct-12 12:18:48

I could not host a party and expect everyone to bring the food.

WelshMaenad Mon 15-Oct-12 12:19:57

Fuck that for a troupe of badgers.

Send her a card and a £10 Asda gift voucher and suggest she treats her guests to a bottle of Cava.

BumpingFuglies Mon 15-Oct-12 12:20:03

Drink yes, food no. Tight-arses

Ragwort Mon 15-Oct-12 12:20:11

Perhaps the food and drink is instead of a present? I have been invited to parties where it is specifically stated not to give gifts but donations of food/drink appreciated; however it is obviously difficult to lug a few bottles and a plate of sandwiches on a train ride grin.

You could always decline the invitation, doesn't sound much of a party to me !

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 12:21:49

It doesn't say no presents on the invite though.

Ah, I'm in a grump about it to be honest but if I don't go I'm unlikely to see her for ages.

I think not doing food is odd. YANBU

Euphemia Mon 15-Oct-12 12:24:02

Since when was 35 a thing?

YANBU, how stingey!

A train ticket with food and booze on top, not sure I'd want to pay that much for a 35th party.

Will everyone need to line up to heat their own bought food in the microwave and oven? Perish the thought!

squoosh Mon 15-Oct-12 12:28:08

Tighter than a cat's bum hole.

Some people have such a feckin' cheek.

WorraLiberty Mon 15-Oct-12 12:28:28

Bloody hell what a tight pair!

I wonder if the birds have to bring their own water and seeds to the bird table? grin

fraserboysmum Mon 15-Oct-12 12:30:55

IMO you're right to be in a grump, i was the same a few years back when my SIL invited us to theirs for New Years ( a four hour drive away) ... when i offered to buy some booze to take with us she said " no, what i'll do is work out how much i've spent on food and alcohol while you've been with us as i want to push the boat out and so i'll send you the bill for half afterwards" some hospitality ! We didn't go in the end ....

lynniep Mon 15-Oct-12 12:31:04

thats just wierd. dont go.

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 12:34:34

Fraser that is worse!

I just don't get it, I always lay on food and drink and assume big drinkers will bring extra if they want to.

It's the food that gets me really.

Ah good to vent!

Providing guests with food at a party is pretty basic behaviour. They sound v tight. I probably wouldn't go unless it was a really fun crowd.

Is it food to share? (have image of each guest wearing a backpack with their own bottle and bags of crips in) grin

starfishmummy Mon 15-Oct-12 12:37:36

Party in the garden at this time of year?????
they must be mad!

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 12:39:50

Yes the invite says to wear warm clothes! I'm hoping I'm allowed inside to the loo!

they've probably spent the food budget on portaloos!

It gets stranger by the second. It sounds miserable to me. sad
Don't bother going.

Alligatorpie Mon 15-Oct-12 12:42:38

Doesn't sound like much if a party. I would probably come down with a last minute illness ( cause i am a wimp and wouldn't want to tell her why I wasn't coming)

Alligatorpie Mon 15-Oct-12 12:42:53


Mypopcornface Mon 15-Oct-12 12:45:56

Get sick and don't go.

squeaver Mon 15-Oct-12 12:49:12

I'm curious to know what the invitation said. Was it as blatant as "please bring your own food and drink"?

You'd think they could stretch to a few bags of Hula Hoops, wouldn't you?

I'd make an excuse, send her a card and suggest you both go out for dinner one night near you or somewhere half way

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Mon 15-Oct-12 12:53:19

YANBU, they are basically having an outside house party in the freezing cold hmm I'd decline the invitation.

Viviennemary Mon 15-Oct-12 12:56:09

They have got a bit of a nerve. I think I might have other plans if I were you. And in a back garden in this weather. Will anybody go?

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 12:56:41

Invite says " arrive anytime after 6, wear warm clothes, bring your favourite drink and dish to share and let X or X know if you need somewhere to stay."

golemmings Mon 15-Oct-12 12:58:12

We have a party every summer. We buy a couple of barrels of beer and ask folk to bring something to sling on the bbq'd that other's can share. We provide buns and salad and stuff so a contribution to food doesn't seem unreasonable to me. Taking your own picnic does sound a bit odd though...

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 12:58:37

If I saw her regularly I'd make my excuses but I rarely see her. Might have to swallow my grump and eat all my tesco finest crips myself

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Mon 15-Oct-12 12:59:30

A summer BBQ is a bit different to a winter birthday party though.

MsVestibule Mon 15-Oct-12 12:59:56

So, you've been the offered to opportunity to travel a significant distance (I'm guessing that by the cost of the train fare), bring your own food and drink and stand in a (literally) freezing garden in order to celebrate somebody's birthday.

Can't think why you're not rushing to book that £72 train fare hmm.

You say if you don't go, you won't get the chance to see her for ages. Why? If you don't mind spending the time and money to travel to a party, why don't you spend it a couple of weeks later when you might actually be allowed into her house?

Viviennemary Mon 15-Oct-12 13:00:14

Of course you would simply love to go but you've got theatre tickets or something else that night. It sounds as if it's going to be a dire miserable event.

squeaver Mon 15-Oct-12 13:00:16

Oh dear. It sounds absolutely dire.

I think developing some sort of highly infectious disease shortly before the date would be a good idea.

Or you could pitch up and say "I've brought my favourite dish to share. It's a packet of Wotsits".

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 13:00:29

golemmings that sounds more reasonable to me somehow, I think its because they're asking guests to bring both food and drink so I feel like I'm taking the party with me.

ScarahStratton Mon 15-Oct-12 13:00:29

I'd just reply back with 'Thanks X, I'll be staying at home'. confused

detectivebeaver Mon 15-Oct-12 13:00:49

That sounds like my idea of hell and I definitely wouldn't go.

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 13:03:35

msV you have a good point. We don't see each other often due to the distance but we were good friends when we lives closer. I might well make my excuses and go later. I prefer one-to-one to parties anyway.

IanPhlegming Mon 15-Oct-12 13:05:49

£72 for a train? Is it 200 miles?

kerala Mon 15-Oct-12 13:06:28

Feeling paranoid now am having a party and asking guests to bring food and drink. 10 couples been going out last Saturday before Christmas but last 2 years the restaurants been so crowded and expensive suggested we host as have biggest house. Hope people aren't pissed off that I'm not providing all the food and drink as well as the venue...

itsatrap Mon 15-Oct-12 13:07:59

A (now ex) friend threw a party a few years ago for her dp, the food consisted of a few Iceland party platters and soggy sandwiches. she then sent a (mortified) friend round the party guests with a glass asking for contributions for the food! The worst bit is she then spent ages bragging about how much profit she had made from peoples contributions! Bonkers!

In conclusion, yanbu. It sounds like a pretty crappy party!

itsatrap Mon 15-Oct-12 13:11:03

Kerala - imo you situation is different, unless you would have been footing the restaurant bill!

MaureenCognito Mon 15-Oct-12 13:12:02

i think tis fine to ask for food OR drink but both tbh unless its ahuge bbq is a bit of a con ( unless its a work do for eg)

i like taking food and people doing that here - really interesting but there is intevitable a cost to a party and as she isnt even providing four walls then WHY is she having the party?

to get presents?

Jusfloatingby Mon 15-Oct-12 13:17:34

It sounds very odd and more like something students would do than two thirty five year olds. If they can't afford to throw a party, then they just shouldn't throw one. Expecting people to travel for miles to attend a party where no food and drink will be provided is a very big ask and a bit cheeky, in my opinion.

IanPhlegming Mon 15-Oct-12 13:20:57

We put on a new year's party a couple of years ago DJ was £500, and we asked people to contribute £20.

Not many did mind.

MaureenCognito Mon 15-Oct-12 13:28:41

no - dont have the DJ if you cant afford it

BlueSkySinking Mon 15-Oct-12 13:29:57

Could you text and just say, do you mind if i just bring a bottle as the train is a small fortune!'

Mypopcornface Mon 15-Oct-12 13:32:20

My friend's husband organised a surprise Birthday party for her last year. He asked everyone to bring a bottle of RED wine (his favourite) to share...he offered each person a glass of champagne at the beginning of the party and that is it. There was food but not much. There were loads of wine there at the table from the guests, but no glasses or bottle opener, he didn't offer anyone wine and nobody was drinking anything...until I passed in front of the kitchen and saw him and 2 lads drinking beer!!!

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 15-Oct-12 13:33:48

If you are 14 and having a bring a bottle party, no food and drink is fine. If you are 35 it's not. It's mean and I would make my excuses tbh

helenthemadex Mon 15-Oct-12 13:33:57

take a pack lunch and a flask of soup!

its a bloody cheek basically they are providing a venue and that's it, you have to pay for the food, drink and take a pressie

I don't think I would be spending £72 to go to this

WinterStepThisWay Mon 15-Oct-12 13:36:27

If you care about seeing your friend you might end up disappointed as she'll be very busy being a host and talking to her other friends. I honestly wouldn't bother. It is freezing outside after 6pm and yes, asking you to bring your own food and drinks when you're already forking out on the train ticket and presumably a birthday gift is really tight. What sort of a party is that?! I would save up my money and visit another time.

MontBlanc Mon 15-Oct-12 13:43:44

Some of these stories are awful! Do these people not understand the definition of hospitality? If you invite someone to your home you make them feel welcome, keep them warm, feed and refresh them. OP you will not be getting any of these!

If you can't be arsed with the whole hospitality thing you invite people to the pub instead.

Definitely do not go!!

IvanaHumpalotCountDracula Mon 15-Oct-12 14:07:29

Wrap up, drink red wine and order a take-a-way - something warming for one!

LonelyCloud Mon 15-Oct-12 14:16:55

Asking guest to bring food and drink sounds a bit stingy.

I've been to parties where I've been asked to bring my own drinks, but I've only ever been asked to bring food when I've said something like "Do you want me to bring along any food for you?" first.

lljkk Mon 15-Oct-12 14:18:05

Turn up with a bottle of wine & a party bag worth of Wotsits purchased from the corner shop, no? I would presume they only want cards, not gifts.

AlwaysHoldingOnToStarbug Mon 15-Oct-12 14:22:32

Take Pom Bears.

ilovetermtime Mon 15-Oct-12 14:23:22

The cheek of some people!

YADNBU and I wouldn't bother going, sounds awful, I hate being cold.

Iodine Mon 15-Oct-12 14:35:31

So you're expected to pay £72 to travel for hours, juggling a homemade quiche and 2 bottles of wine, and a present to sit (or is it bring your own chair?) in a freezing, damp garden in the dark?!?!

The bloody cheek of it. Don't go, save the money and go out for dinner instead. Even as a student when we threw parties we would all chip in (as a house) to buy some pizzas and nibbles for our guests. My mum thinks it's the ultimate taboo to not provide food when people are drinking.

AThingInYourLife Mon 15-Oct-12 14:52:09

"Or you could pitch up and say "I've brought my favourite dish to share. It's a packet of Wotsits".


Do this!

Jusfloatingby Mon 15-Oct-12 15:25:47

Presumably this mean pair will also get to keep all the leftover casseroles, pies, lasagnes and pavlovas and eat for free for a week (plus any leftover booze as well).

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 17:52:47

Hi everyone, thanks for your comments! I'm strangely pleased as I thought I was being a bit miserable.

Yep it is also 200+ miles away but that inevitable as people spread out as you grow up.

It is a bit studently really, I said to DH that I was hoping to have grown out of this stage by now. When she said she was having a party I thought oh great and imagined something a bit more sophisticated.

Ho hum, I dunno what I'm going to do yet but glad to see I'm not the only one who'd think about not going.

I've just remembered the only time I asked guests to bring anything. We had a gangsters and molls casino party for one new year. We bought everything for the casino (green baise for the tables, poker chips, card dealers, a roulette wheel etc). We also decided to do a cocktail bar. We of course layed on food but we also had wine, beer and every spirit imaginable for the cocktail bar.

We asked our guests to bring mixers - a carton of orange, coke, lemonade etc. We thought it was fair enough to do that but maybe not now I think about it. sad

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 18:16:22

That's completely different to standing outside in November having brought your own food and drink! That sounds great (much more along the lines I was expecting).

I think it must be that entitled thing that some well-off people have going. I'd be embarrassed to behave like that but I have poop person's Morales.

What are you going to do? On Tje one hand I think you shoukdnt go, but then...we need you to report nback

Proudnscary Mon 15-Oct-12 18:26:28

I never understand it when people invite guests and tell them to bring their own refreshments! But then it's never happened to me in 42 years of RL, only ever read about it on Mumsnet.

As others have said, occasionally if we are hosting a big party for family Christmas or a get together with old friends - ie something we were all organising but happened to be at my house - I'll ask for a couple of bottles/puds but supply everything else.

But I'd never decide to throw myself/dh/dcs a birthday party and ask for a single thing from a guest. Plain rude.

No way would I go - bloody cheek.

Fakebook Mon 15-Oct-12 18:27:14

I'd be tempted to take a Pyrex dish, and say "this is my fave one!!"

They sound childish and greedy. I wouldn't go!

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Mon 15-Oct-12 18:27:54

Sometimes I'll do a thing with friends where the host cooks the main meal and everyone else brings wine and a something for pudding, which takes the pressure off the host a bit. But not the whole meal!

I also think asking people to bring mixers to a cocktail party is totally fine. It's not like asking for expensive spirits.

Is it possible they have some sort of massively expensive surprise Event planned that will be totally worth you pitching up with a Tescos Finest quiche, and it's costing them so much and will be so wonderful that you'll be weeping with gratitude that you went along? <clutches at straws>

quoteunquote Mon 15-Oct-12 18:36:05

Organise a tesco order to arrive half an hour after you do, you could have fun with what you order.

We definitely need you to go and report back. grin

Laquitar Mon 15-Oct-12 18:40:37

'It is a bit studently really.

I wouldn't have problem with it, i even like it, but then it has to be studently all the way. Which means a very small 'funny' present £2-3 and everybody in jeans and who knows it might be fun.

But if they expect good presents and spend £100 on outfits then it is not studently, it is cheap.

expatinscotland Mon 15-Oct-12 18:46:10

Another one who wouldn't go but send her a lovely gift. Don't fancy standing around outside in November for any length of time.

eBook Mon 15-Oct-12 18:51:56


You throw a party, you provide the food, drink and a warm hospitable welcome.

Then when you attend a party, someone else provides these for you.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 15-Oct-12 18:56:34

i wouldnt dream of doing that its really tight to throw a party and expect guests to provide all that

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 18:58:20

I'm really wavering between going with a bottle of blue nun and a packet of wotsits and a Pyrex dish so I can report back or not going and enjoying not having spent the best part of £100 (train, drink, food, present) on standing on a freezing lawn.

Argh I'm genuinely torn as I do like her. She's not grabby but her and her family are dead tight. Her DH is an arse too so not making small talk with him would be a relief!

Iodine Mon 15-Oct-12 19:04:06

Theonewiththehair-sounds fantastic! I wouldn't have minded as a guest to bring a bottle of spirits. Can I come to the next one?

You'd be mad to go!

Send her a card and a voucher. Tell her you'd love to arrange something soon for the two of you. And keep your £100 for something actually worth spending it on!

complexnumber Mon 15-Oct-12 19:13:28

Sorry, can I post that again with the bold stuff where it's meant to be:

complexnumber I suppose I am assuming fellow employees are not poking bits of poo up the tap. Who knows?! I do know another colleague (different workplace) was caught pissing in the sink.

I'm also presuming the water was boiled. Right enough that was colleagues reply too - but they were tap touching to fill the kettle, then rifling around in a bag/caddy to get the tea bags for their tea.

Hopefully the office cleaner wasn't using the same cloth to wipe the toilet and sink either. Who knows? Waslostnowamfound

My own, possibly rather 'rustic', view maybe comes from living in a W.African village for two years without any running water (i.e. no flushing toilets) or electricity. You shat in a hole, then washed your arse by dabbing your hands in water and using your fingers to wipe the shit off you then splashed some more (river) water on your hands to clean them.

None of the people within that village would appreciate their habits being called 'disgusting' it was what they had being doing for generations.

but they were tap touching to fill the kettle that's quite funny.

There is no point in us arguing about this as we obviously come from completely polarised views.

Thanks Iodine. I've had two more dcs since then and I'm too bloody tired I think. grin

It was one of those one off nights where everyone played along and I think it finished about 6am.

I'll let you know if I ever get up the energy again. And I've just remembered we sent everyone home with bacon butties. Sounds too much like hard work to do now. blush

complexnumber Mon 15-Oct-12 19:14:57

Oh blimey!

I have SO MUCH just misposted!

irishchic Mon 15-Oct-12 19:23:07

OP I would not be going to this party on principle alone! Not to mention that it will cost you a fortune and you'll be standing around in the cold all night, what's not to hate? hmm

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 19:24:23

complex that is a classic mis-post!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 19:34:35

Complex. grin

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 19:35:29

I was really confused there for a minute. Thought they were going to be pooping in a hole at the party!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 19:37:19

itsatrap A (now ex) friend threw a party a few years ago for her dp, the food consisted of a few Iceland party platters and soggy sandwiches. she then sent a (mortified) friend round the party guests with a glass asking for contributions for the food! The worst bit is she then spent ages bragging about how much profit she had made from peoples contributions! Bonkers!

Uergh. I went to one like that as well. The host came sound and asked for a set amount each. It was so weird.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 19:43:15

That one about the bloke getting everyone to bring his favourite wine is shocking!

TheProvincialLady Mon 15-Oct-12 19:44:21

Spend the £72 train fare on a taxi to send a paper plate of tinned pork luncheon meat sandwiches and half a bottle of lambrini with the lid sealed up with brown tape. And then stay in the warm in your own house. This party will be rubbish.

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 20:19:38

Right, so if I don't go what do I say? I don't have the stomach for the very honest "I'm not coming because I think you're tight and the party will be crap'.

Euphemia Mon 15-Oct-12 20:22:57

Say "Sorry, with Christmas coming I just can't afford the train fare, but have a fab party!"

Osmiornica Mon 15-Oct-12 20:31:21

Just say it'll be too expensive what with the train fare, food and drink. Ask to see her another weekend.

When I've had people round for a party I always provide food especially if they are coming a long way. Does she seriously expect you to lug food and drink on the train to her place?

whois Mon 15-Oct-12 20:32:41


Party should provide food AND some booze but would also expect to take a bottle or two with me.

Tight arse. So typically English.

Bogeyface Mon 15-Oct-12 20:34:22

Re Winter garden parties.

The best BBQ I ever went to was at the beginning of November. It PISSED it down! There was a couple of gazebos up to shelter from the rain, a couple of heaters and lots of booze and warm clothers, it was brilliant!

But.....the host provided the food, which must have cost a lot, and his brothers all clubbed in to pay for the beers and wines, and we all took a load more.

I wouldnt go to this one though!

ChickenFillet Mon 15-Oct-12 20:35:02

I had a party this year with a pay your own drinks at the bar but I paid for a DJ, venue, buffet, etc.
Some people want the party ooooh look a me but not to have to do anything.
It cost me a grand.
It was fun. smile

Bogeyface Mon 15-Oct-12 20:35:04

Whois I dont think it is typically English at all! Are you English? Do you do that?

I am English and I have never ever experienced this!

Error404 Mon 15-Oct-12 20:37:28

"My friend and her sister are having a join 35th party"

I must be really stupid and have missed the obvious but presumably they're twins are they?

Kennyp Mon 15-Oct-12 20:38:00

Tighter than a gnat's chuff, as they say.
I couldnt be arsed to go if that was the set up

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Mon 15-Oct-12 20:39:19

Is that "typically English"? confused I thought it was supposed to be Scots who were tight assuming one deals in daft stereotypes at all

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 20:40:09

No they aren't twins but there's only 11 months between them so they're having it to coincide with the younger sister's birthday.

squeaver Mon 15-Oct-12 20:40:14

Stargeglue - don't you have something else on that you've only just realised was in the diary? You'd forgotten all about it because you were asked to save the date months ago....

You live 200 miles away, you presumably have a completely separate group of friends she doesn't know at all. She'll never know...

hermioneweasley Mon 15-Oct-12 20:41:30

You won't get to see her that much at the party. Why not take her out for a meal instead another time - if you book far enough in advance I would think you old get your train cheaper?

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 20:42:28

Yes if I'd had more than a month in notice I think the train would be cheaper.

mameulah Mon 15-Oct-12 20:42:36

YANBU, personally I can't stand it when I get an invitation with a load of instructions on it. Whether it's gift list suggstions or what to bring. One time I was invited to a party and told to take a decoration for their tree and a bottle of vodka. It puts me right off when someone else decides how I should be spending my time and money!

Error404 Mon 15-Oct-12 20:43:18

Thanks for clearing that up, was bothering me grin Though I'd argue it wasn't a joint 35th if it's a month before her 36th. Still, any excuse for a party I suppose.

Now that's out the way I can concentrate on your problem - I'm another one saying don't bother with the party, organise a visit another time.

I think, given the time of year, that they've spent their money on fireworks and it's going to be a firework party.

Happylander Mon 15-Oct-12 21:09:27

I have had quite a few parties where I have asked people to bring drink and nibbles if they want some but I do state I am skint though. My friends could not give a toss though as they come to spend time and have fun with me and don't let stuff like that bother them in fact on about 3 occasions they have come round and cooked dinner for about 12 people and bought me booze!

For my 40th I can't afford a party so according to a lot of people on here I shouldn't celebrate it because I can't feed lots of people???? How awful to think you wouldn't share someone's birthday because they could not feed you and supply you and their friends with booze all night. Clearly a lot of you haven't been skint. If you resent taking food just don't take any and if you resent paying for your own booze don't drink.

Personally I would rather join in friends celebrations than refuse on the grounds they can't feed me because at teh end of the day they are my friends. There may come a point in your life when you want to celebrate with people about something important to you and you don't have the cash to feed them and supply them with booze but according to these comments you should just sit in on your own. How miserable would that be.

whois Mon 15-Oct-12 21:12:38

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro and bogeyface English hospitality is not as generous as other cultures (thinking Irish and Eastern European particularly) English love a pay bar at a wedding for example.

Anyway, you don't get rich by spending your money eh? Went to a party a few years ago. Well off family. Think £150k plus ooop north. And there was a bloody pay bar, at his house, staffed by his teenage kids. All rather embarrassing as most people had taken a bottle and no money! You were practically frisked at the door for your booze.

Iodine Mon 15-Oct-12 21:20:04

As a teenager I went to a party in October where the host forgot to mention to people that his mum was a loon and wouldn't let people into the house, even to use the toilet. They had set up a camping toilet in the garden next to where everyone was sat. Needless to say, having not been warned it was outside and not dressed for it, people made their excuses quickly and left.

Bogeyface Mon 15-Oct-12 21:20:44

Happy I dont expect to be fed at every party. But equally, I dont expect to be invited to a party where the host has paid out nothing on hosting! If you want a party with food, then pay for food, dont make bringing a dish a condition of the invitation. If you want a party with booze then buy some booze, people will always bring a bottle anyway, you dont have to spell it out.

I am of course exluding "potluck" suppers etc.

Bogeyface Mon 15-Oct-12 21:25:04

Whois the English dont love a paid bar. In most cases, as in my wedding, a free bar is totally beyond the pocket. Even if we only had 10 people, the bar bill would have been far more than we could have afforded. My family is irish and we all had pay bars at our weddings, purely because of cost.

I would never have a pay bar at a place that wasnt a club, function room or restaurant and I dont know anyone else who would. It is true though that often those with the most money spend the least.

aldiwhore Mon 15-Oct-12 21:29:11

Meh. There's no rule to parties. The party thrower decides, the invitee gets to choose whether to go or not.

There should be some rules though, and the first is 'nibbles and the first drink'.

When they say food what do they mean? Do they want you to turn up with a take out? Or a plate of food 'to share'? Or something to stick on a BBQ? I don't like the evasive nature of the invite so for that ALONE YANBU.

We often have 'parties' (read: gatherings) where we request that people bring their own food and drink, but these are non-special occassions, and we're very specific. In fact, too specific sometimes... I know one friends makes a great low fat pasta salad, so she has to bring that or be barred.

I don't have any issue with the 'bring your own drink' because really, everyone should take ONE bottle of something anyway.

pigletmania Mon 15-Oct-12 21:39:26

What utter tightwads not much of a party tbh

StrangeGlue Mon 15-Oct-12 21:40:53

But happy they are by no stretch of the imagination skint. That would be a bit different.

curmit Mon 15-Oct-12 21:47:09

We'd like to have a party at our house, you're invited! (Please bring a party with you).

cerealqueen Mon 15-Oct-12 22:05:29

Tight or what!!!!

How do they expect you to travel so far with a dish of food? Just turn up with an empty plate and say it was such a long way to come you got peckish on the way.

expatinscotland Tue 16-Oct-12 12:22:23

Why are you bothering to go? They sound like tight arses. Just arrange to see your friend in a more comfortable location than a back garden in November.

RuleBritannia Tue 16-Oct-12 12:39:29

I've read these messages and I can't believe that all that's being provided is a garden in which to meet. It would be too cold to hold a glass safely and my fingers would be unable to hold a sandwich. I couldn't eat with gloves on either.

I wouldn't go, OP. For all we know, other invitees have the same opinion and there will be very few people in attendance there.

Laquitar Tue 16-Oct-12 12:51:46

I find it more weird that they have a 'joint 35th birthday' when their birthday is 11 months apart!! One of them must be 34 or 36, no? Weird. Why do they need a joint party?

Unless there is something else going on and there is a big surprise?

I really hope that you go OP because i'm dying to hear how will the party go. From my warm comfortable sofa.

Jusfloatingby Tue 16-Oct-12 12:57:08

A 35th isn't exactly a landmark birthday so I wouldn't feel particularly bad about missing it in any event.

Lovecat Tue 16-Oct-12 13:05:47

I too am a bit hmm that 35 is a 'thing', although I remember my SIL bitching about no-one offering to take her out for dinner on her 35th as "you're only 35 once, after all" - given you could say that about any birthday, I didn't follow her reasoning. And got given the evils for pointing it out...

Laquitar Tue 16-Oct-12 13:19:59

I think it depends what year you have had. If you feel that your 35th or 41 or 28 is important because you had a rough year and came out of it then why not?
But it is not 'their' 35th (i insist on this point grin)

mameulah Tue 16-Oct-12 14:44:45

And also, I don't think that my celebration should infringe on the daily runnings and reality of everyone else's normal life. If someone is happy to share their time with you then I really believe that is the most important thing of all. AND, if you have good friends then they will find their own way of being generous and acknowledging the moment you are in.

When we got married we invited 27 people because we knew we could afford to cater and provide for them. We also said 'no gifts'. Practically everyone brought a gift and hopefully everyone had a great time because everything was on offer free flow throughout the day. We figured they would have already spend more than enough new outfits, days off work, hotel accomodation and petrol etc.

A few years ago I spent nearly £1000 attending a friends wedding at the other end of the country. It was a lovely day but I am NEVER getting sucked into doing that again.

ps And I know this is not the topic of this thread but I cannot even describe how rude I find 'wedding lists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Jusfloatingby Tue 16-Oct-12 15:04:40

I agree with mameulah. Its nice to celebrate important occasions with friends and family, but some people treat said friends and family with a huge lack of consideration when they are planning an event and expect them to fall in with what makes them happy regardless of any inconvenience eg couples getting married in picturesque out of the way locations that involve long journeys, expensive overnight stays and extra time off work for their guests or brides holding hen 'weekends' in European cities or spanish resorts that again involve huge amounts of money, time off work and overnight babysitters. That's fine if you're prepared to accept that a lot of people will turn down your invite, but not fine if you're going to get into a huff when some of your friends decline to take part in the occasion because they just can't afford it either financially or time wise.

kerstina Tue 16-Oct-12 17:10:52

As others have said it sounds like they might be buying fireworks. Early November and outdoor would be a bit of a let down without them.
Just text your friend say you will not be bringing food because of the distance you are traveling. A bottle would be fine.
Studenty sounds fun to me smile

SusanneLinder Tue 16-Oct-12 17:26:02

I Usually have a big Halloween party every year. I ALWAYS do food, do a punch(lethal grin) and supply wine and beer and some mixers.If anyone wants anything else, then they can bring it.I wouldnt dream of asking guests to bring their own drink.

We do have an outside area for the smokers, but we have heaters.

theodorakis Tue 16-Oct-12 17:54:07

My life has changed beyond all measure since I stopped going to things I don't want to go to. I don't even lie, I just say tat I can't justify the fare or my weekends are so precious because we don't spend enough time together during the week. If it was me I wouldn't go but would spend the 70quid on having a fab weekend. I missed a baby shower (my nemesis) last month and spent the fifty quid on a massage. My excuse was that I am not comfortable in big ladies only groups.

theodorakis Tue 16-Oct-12 17:55:23

I forbid you to go. Sounds bloody awful.

StrangeGlue Tue 16-Oct-12 18:06:58

I don't think I'm going to go to be honest. I was going to suck it up when I thought I was being unreasonable but now so.many of you agree with me I think I'll make my excuses.

Some of you have suggested they'll be fireworks - I'd be very very surprised if there are.

TheObfuscatoryOven Tue 16-Oct-12 18:07:33

It's not a fireworks party is it?

A charitable interpretation of the invite would be that people will bring favourite dishes to share but the hosts will top up both the food and drink.

I don't think this would bother me if it were local, but I wouldn't travel 200 miles for it!

theodorakis Tue 16-Oct-12 18:17:09

Enjoy the £70

Bunbaker Tue 16-Oct-12 18:27:50

a party in the freezing cold with very little in the way of hospitality sounds a bit miserable. When my family get together we often contribute towards the food, but the host always does the most.

It sounds like the hosts want a party with no effort at all. What if it rains? I bet they get a lot of no shows.

NoWayNoHow Tue 16-Oct-12 18:32:21

YANBU not to go, think it's ridiculous to expect people to travel, buy their own food, buy their own drink, and buy a present, just for the "privilege" of spending time with someone who sounds as selfish as all hell (in the freezing bloody cold, too).

I've had a similar experience before with some friends over Christmas. They bought all the food and drink, and when everyone got to their place, they said, "well, your share of the meal and booze comes to x, y, z".

I realised the next day why they'd asked for upfront payment - they sent us all away and held onto half a turkey, tonnes of veg, and many bottles of wine! Laughing all the way to their leftovers, they were.

Although, to be fair, they lost my patience when they served up half a yellow grapefruit as a starter. That's it. Had to ask for sugar to sprinkle.

It takes all sorts, doesn't it!

expatinscotland Tue 16-Oct-12 18:40:16

See, if I got an invite like that, demanding money out of me, I wouldn't go. And if they tried to pull it on me when I got to theirs, I'd simply walk out. I wouldn't have given them a tuppence.

mameulah Tue 16-Oct-12 20:23:14

theodorakis!!! I am soooooo impressed. You remind me of a quote I read in some magazine that went something like 'don't say yes to someone else if it means saying no to yourself.'

I don't mind, in general, being asked to take food and drink to parties or paying towards them: my dance team have an annual Team Dinner which is held in someone's house, but everyone chips in for the cost of food and drink which tends to work out at about £25 to £30 for three delicious courses cooked by mate's DP who is one of those people who just loves cooking for parties and is really good at it, plus unlimited gin, beer, wine etc.

Another lot of friends have an annual hog roast; they provide the hog and a couple of barrels of beer, everyone else is asked to bring salads, puddings, nibbles and additional drink.

pixwix Wed 17-Oct-12 00:15:10

Noooo! You will be travelled out, cold, and forking out for train fares, food and drink. Happens you can develop a case of fulminating scabies or summat?

OhTheConfusion Wed 17-Oct-12 01:23:58

YANBU to be a bit narked!

I would ask friend if she fancied meeting half way for a girly shopping day/dinner and drinks and night in a hotel... your train, half the hotel and expenses would still be less than the party!

Wingedharpy Wed 17-Oct-12 03:20:58

Take a Pot Noodle, kettle and tea-bag.

differentnameforthis Wed 17-Oct-12 04:17:09

Over here (Australia) it is customary to 'take a plate' (of food) to a casual (birthday/Christmas) get together/party etc. The host supplies food, but often it is an accepted gesture to take along food to help out.

In fairness, your op stating "I have to take my own food" & your latter post "bring a dish to share" are completely different, no? One implies that you are responsible for catering for yourself, the other that as a group, you will all cater for each other.

Drink is usually on a BYO basis.

differentnameforthis Wed 17-Oct-12 04:22:15

Would you expect her to foot the bill for everyone if she said it was a meal in a restaurant?

nooka Wed 17-Oct-12 04:43:55

I really like parties where everyone brings a contribution, there tends to be lots of interesting things to eat and when the children were smaller (and fussier) I could always guarantee there would be one thing they'd like. Where we live now people also bring along whatever they intend to drink too, and then take it way with them when they go home if it's not finished. The host will provide too, but it means that the overall cost is much lower (so more parties are possible) and it's not such a problem trying to guess how many people will turn up and therefore how much food to provide.

So it's a bit studenty perhaps, but that's fine by me. Took me a while to get used to, but now I enjoy cooking up something nice to bring along and drinking booze I actually like.

theodorakis Wed 17-Oct-12 05:32:09

Mameulah , it iis the telling the truth that is so liberating. People seem to accept the truth and don't mind. I wish I had started sooner. Glad op isn't going!

ibizagirl Wed 17-Oct-12 06:05:30

I would not go. It sounds pathetic. I would never dream of asking people to bring food and drink if I was hosting a party!! I would have a bad cold the day before and maybe send some flowers or something like that. Who else is going to the party? Do you know what they think about all this?

ripsishere Wed 17-Oct-12 06:19:03

Also, where do you stay? if it is such a long way away, you'll need a flower bed for the night.

Alligatorpie Wed 17-Oct-12 07:07:55

Different- it is not in a restaurant. It is a birthday party in her yard where the guests are expected to travel, bring food, drinks and possibly a present - and stand outside in November.
The host seems to be missing the concept of hospitality.
Don't go! I would imagine very few people will.

differentnameforthis Wed 17-Oct-12 07:14:22


Yes, I can read thanks! Like I said, I have no problems with this type of party. Been to a few myself. The best parties are the ones where the host isn't still in the kitchen worrying about cooking/plating up/defrosting food.

mameulah Wed 17-Oct-12 09:59:40

The best parties are definitley the ones where the host isn't stuck in the kitchen worrying about the catering. But the best parties also don't start with an invitation followed by instructions that are followed by jobs to do.

When we are invited to a party I ALWAYS make sure I ask if there is anything we can do to help. And if there is I am ALWAYS more than happy to help, which is so much better than being told how I should help before I have even worked out if we can even attend.

I had one friend who had sooooooooooo many celebrations for her wedding that by the time she actually got married I could barely even be bothered to speak to her about it. There were two hen nights, two stag do's, a wedding service, a party in one country for one half of the couple and a party in another party for another half of the couple. Just listening to it was utterly exhausting never mind actually attending. Which, when we did, was in one of those hotels where one glass of wine was £8. And don't even get me started on looking at the 85 million photos that you have to admire afterwards.

Am interested...have you ever been caught out by being too honest or is it really a new magic trick?

EnjoyVampirebloodResponsibly Wed 17-Oct-12 10:05:50

So they are making everyone stand outside (no mess), bring all the food and drink (no costs) and they still get presents?


PMSL @ "fuck that for a troupe of Badgers" ^ ^

BloodRedAlienReflux Wed 17-Oct-12 10:17:43

No sorry, I don't get people asking for contributions to a party?! OK drink maybe, as keeping everyone pissed is ridiculous,. but food? DJ's?? I wouldn't go, and I would tell her why! The train fare alone is extortionate, but lugging food there?? NAH.

differentnameforthis Wed 17-Oct-12 12:44:44

You see, over here they don't exactly DO formal invites. DD has been invited to parties and we have never been asked to contribute anything for those.

But after living here a few yrs, you get invited somewhere & it's "what do you want me to bring" or "I'll bring x". So old is the tradition that you don't even NEED to be asked. And if the host says nothing, you still take something!

StrangeGlue Wed 17-Oct-12 20:59:30

That's the thing different I probably would have taken a drink anyway its just it isn't a casual gathering its an organised birthday party, I was just a bit taken aback to be asked to take food when me and most of the guests will be going a very long way. Few people turn up to party empty handed but to have it all asked for just seems a bit much.

I'm not going anyway I'm gonna make my excuses.

differentnameforthis Thu 18-Oct-12 03:53:40

I can understand that it is annoying to be asked to take it. I would never actively ask anyone to bring anything (except probably what they want to drink) & tbh, I am always the one who tells people not to bring anything when they offer. But they still do! smile

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