to have told MIL to go fuck herself?

(242 Posts)
ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 16:57:24

DD was very ill last night. She had been unwell for 2 days but last night her temperature spiked, she was in a lot of pain with her throat and was in and out of sleep all day. I decided to call the OOH surgery who told me to get up there at 11:30pm. We have no car and no money until next week so had to ring about for help.

My dad had had a few drinks so couldn't and my only other family that drives is my grandad who was in bed. DPI phoned soon to be MIL as she lives a few streets away and both her and FILL are teetotal. She said she didn't want to then seemed to come around and asked "Who will be going?" DP said me and she said no then he said he would go instead. I am fed up of her shit she dislikes me for no reason and has the 5 years DP and I have been together. She has a reason now though as I shouted "Oh tell her to go fuck herself then".

DD ended up at the OOH after my sister sent us in a taxi to her house then back up to the OOH to lend me £20.

DP said I could have worded it differently but it's just what he didn't have the balls to say but now DP's sister is threatening me and apparently within 12 hours it's got around his aunties and uncles who now dislike me :/

Sorry this is long but I didn't want to drip feed. MIL and I don't get on but when it comes to a favour for her 4 year old GD surely it's not fair?

nitrox Sun 14-Oct-12 16:59:57

shock Good for you!

I think you were quite right tbh..!

BackOnceAgainWithLoopyLoops Sun 14-Oct-12 17:00:43

YEs of course YABU.

StuntGirl Sun 14-Oct-12 17:00:54

She sounds pretty awful and although I'm sure you know it wasn't the best idea to shout that, given the circumstances I can understand your frustration.

I would have expected her to put her dislike for you to one side to help her granddaughter. I hope your little girl is ok.

LadySybildeChocolate Sun 14-Oct-12 17:01:01

You were very rude, sorry. You clearly have issues with one another, so you should sit down and talk about it like adults rather then like a stroppy teenager.

ddubsgirl Sun 14-Oct-12 17:01:18

im with you op she couldnt even help her gd who was ill then she doesnt deserve to have anything to do with her!

timewastingonhere Sun 14-Oct-12 17:01:38

What's your partner actually saying about it? How you handle it now depends on what you want to happen and what your partner thinks should happen?

At 11.30pm with a poorly child you have a get out card - I'm sorry/was stressed/third person to say no/bla bla

But it all depends on what you want this picture to look like in 5 days/5 months/5 years?

Importantly how is your daughter? What did ooh say?

And when is the wedding?????

Well she had it coming to her didn't she!

Your DP will have to talk to his family and tell them you were pushed by his mother's behaviour.

Shocking thwt she didn't immediately want to help her grand daughter.

wimblehorse Sun 14-Oct-12 17:05:52

Jeez, families.
She was BU to not want to help just because you were planning to accompany DD. You were BU to be so rude and not suck up her attitude for the sake of getting your ill DD seen as soon as possible.
Your DP's family sound delightful. Are you sure you want to marry in? Or do you fit in well with the threats, fights & bitching about each other?

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 17:08:26

We've sat down and spoken about it many times but she just refuses to tell me why and then britches about me behind my back. I've tried to be nice, invite her if we go out as a family or over for lunch but she doesn't want to. I dislike her because for all the effort I've put in she refuses to even be civil and just ignores me instead.

I did lose my rag. I'm rather fed up about it all. I've given her more ammunition for sure but I don't regret what I said as I meant it, more like I regret how I worded it.

DP knows the situation. He loves his family and doesn't like standing up to them even though they are polar opposites but agrees with me. He said I just said what he's wanted to say for a while but never could. He's not angry with me as he knows the way his parents have been with me and the unfairness between the way they treat me compared to his sister's very reserved boyfriend.

She has tonsilitis and thrush in her mouth so is on penicillin and mouth drops. She's still not well and I'm controlling her pain and temperature as best I can but it's horrible as she's just not herself at all.

The wedding is in February!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 14-Oct-12 17:08:27

YABU - it is a horrid way to speak to anyone, never mind your child's grandmother.

However YANBU to be upset that she wouldn't help, although there is obviously a lot of history between you - perhaps she feels justified in her position?

mummymeister Sun 14-Oct-12 17:09:57

sorry (waits to be flamed) but i think however stressed you were feeling telling her this and swearing was never going to end up well was it. calm yourself down, call her and tell her you were v stressed because you had a poorly child and that you didnt engage brain before opening mouth. if she doesnt take this at face value then fair enough. however, you have a long long time to be her dil and as you have a child that is her gc you need to get your relationship on a civil footing. as wimble says sort it out or this could be your life for the next 40+ years with this family.

EnglishEponine Sun 14-Oct-12 17:10:10

I don't think you were being unreasonable. Anyone who chooses to be so petty instead of instantly offering to help when their 4 year old granddaughter is poorly does indeed need to go fuck themselves. Might not be the most calm and reasoned way of expressing the emotion but I'd have reacted in exactly the same way.

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 17:11:03

never mind your child's grandmother
the same grandmother who wouldn't take the child to the doctors because of some pathetic little grudge she has.

YANBU OP, stupid selfish cow of a mother in law you have. I'm glad you've got some meds for your daughter now. Hope she gets better soon x

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 17:11:50

And I wouldn't be ringing her to apolgise either, as offered above. No chance.

SoleSource Sun 14-Oct-12 17:12:46

A child comes FIRST. How juts is she to put her dislike of you first unless you have done something absoluteky awful.

Please keep £20 for emergency hospital dash in a safe ace. Do not touch ot only for that. Save £1 per week in a jar. Hope your DD is well soon.

Families eh? You wete under pressure, worried abd your MIL got off lightly x

Good for you opgrin. No decent mil worth their weight in gold would deny their ill granchild a lift if they could take them!

She sounds awful

BackOnceAgainWithLoopyLoops Sun 14-Oct-12 17:13:36

And scuppered your DD's chances of a free lift...

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 17:14:10

I wish I had the nerve to tell MIL that. But we sort of have. Haven't spoken to either one of them since FIL didn't bother to show up at DD1s funeral - he was 'in agony' after a knee-replacement 4 weeks before and MIL stormed off straight afterwards because we didn't do what she wanted.

And I could spin your head with how they treated us and her the entire time she was dying of cancer.

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 17:16:17

Expat thanks thats terrible I'm so sorry you had to go through that, without the support of your in laws too!

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 17:16:42

I don't fit in well with them at all but I can give as good as I get, no doubt. For my children's sake we just talk when we have to and DP takes them around to see them once every few weeks when I happen to be busy (their terms, they dont ask to see them). They're not fighting people either. They both work with children, lovely people when you meet them and then it all goes downhill if they take an instant dislike.

I feel like I am marrying a man who has loved me, respected me, stood up for me with his family (has said without a shadow of a doubt that his parents opinion wouldn't stop us being in love and that was 5 years ago) rather than his family. I'll continue to try with them but if it is futile, which if it wasn't before probably is now, I still have him, our children and my own family and friends.

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights Sun 14-Oct-12 17:17:50

YABU. I have no car...i can't drive and money is tight. But we have an emergency 20 pounds that we can't is for occasions like this...when there's an emergency.

You can't rely on others all the time when you have a family.

I advise you to do the same....put a fiver week, add another and then when you can, build it up to 20 quid. Hide it.

Narked Sun 14-Oct-12 17:18:56

So your child - her grandchild - needed to go to the emergency doctor because of illness and her response is, 'Who's going?' And you've never been off with her before but she continues to refuse to even be civil to you?

You lost your temper. I don't blame you.

thanks expat, they sound absolutely horrendous!!!
You would think at a time like that they would have been supporting youangry
People like that are very selfish and entitled that they never put anyone else before themselvessad

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 17:21:01

I'm so sorry, expat. I followed your story with your beautiful daughter but had no idea that was happening with all the grief you and your family were going through!

Mummiesarescary Sun 14-Oct-12 17:21:50

Yanbu sounds like she deserved it and you were probably under alot of stress with your dd being ill

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 17:21:52

sorry BigWitchLegsInWailyTights but that isn't really the point is it?

It's all well and good in hindsight to say 'you should have had money'. Im sure the OP will learn from that but we're not all perfect and we don't all have back up contingency plans in place for everything!

On this one occasion she should have been able to rely on her family. But couldn't because of her idiot MIL.

MrsKeithRichards Sun 14-Oct-12 17:22:06

I agree that you need to have something in place so you don't need to call on people you don't like late at night asking for help.

You don't like each other, fair enough, just work out a way to not get on with not liking each other that doesn't impact on everyone else.

SoleSource Sun 14-Oct-12 17:23:30

Hi expat x

BigWitch Relying and asking are two different things but then again if you can't rely on your own family theres a problem!

MrsKeithRichards Sun 14-Oct-12 17:24:34

But it doesn't sound like a surprise to them that mil can't be relied on.

Expat you really don't need people like that in your life. sad

OwedToAutumn Sun 14-Oct-12 17:26:21

My MIL sounds a lot like yours, and while I understand what you have done, you will live to regret this.

If I were you, I would apologise. Explain that you were feeling stressed because DD was so ill, and that you hope, as a mother, she can understand that, and that she will forgive you.

Buy flowers.

But also, tell your DP that he needs to stick up for you. When his mother asked who was going, he should've said, "Does it matter? DD is ill." And insisted she take you. Or otherwise said, well "I'm sorry you feel you can't help us, I'm sure we'll find someone who can."

He needs to make it clear that you and DD are his family.

PumpkInDublic Sun 14-Oct-12 17:28:12

YANBU, regardless of whether you should have had £20 emergency taxi money, hindsight is a beautiful thing.

I cannot believe any Grandmother who truly cares a jot about her Granddaughter would refuse a lift based on who would be attending with her DGD. A four year old child, in pain and poorly, at 11:30pm.

Would anyone here refuse that lift to a neighbour they barely knew if they had a car, could afford the petrol and were capable driving? Given how frightening small children with temperatures can be I would forgive any parent a few harsh words at the time, a refusal to help I would not.

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 17:28:39

BUY FLOWERS?!!! What so she can act 'woe is me' and play the martyr? Things like that just enable her to keep acting like she is doing.

I wouldn't have anythng to do with her.

McHappyPants2012 Sun 14-Oct-12 17:28:43

I am not defending your soon to be MIL, but i may have a reason why she hates you. You and DP was only in a relationship for 2-3 months and then you was pregnant. i bet she may feels you 'trapped' him and yada yada yada.

TBH i would of stopped trying along time ago, and if mil wanted to see her GC she would have to make the effort

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 17:28:52

MIL was a last resort. Usually if there is something unexpected my dad would help us but he wasn't to expect his and had been in the pub for his partners birthday. Only after exhausting the options did we bother MIL. I will be setting up an emergency fund as I definitely don't want a repeat of last night, emergency or otherwise.

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 17:29:47

My local taxi firm takes credit card payment so I know I'm never stuck thankfully!

pigletmania Sun 14-Oct-12 17:32:32

YANBU at all, you are under a lot of stress and worry about your dd. it's one thing not to like you, but take it out on her poor granddaughter and not help her is beyond me. Mabey you could put away a lile each week and create an emergency pot of money just in case for taxi, petrol etc

McHappyPants2012 Sun 14-Oct-12 17:32:48

Also, my DH wouldn't be able to take the kids to OOH doctors,the DC want me when they are ill.

OwedToAutumn Sun 14-Oct-12 17:33:22

I know what you're saying GhostShip but I have had a lot of heartache because of my MIL, and I wish, for myself and my family, that I had kept to the moral high ground.

The OP's MIL absolutely should fuck off, but telling her that will not help the OP or her family.

alistron1 Sun 14-Oct-12 17:34:02

If a friend/neighbour/acquaintance had a 4 year old that was poorly and needed my help I'd jump to it - I can't imagine (if I were a grandparent) being so obstructive.

YANBU for your heat of the moment response, and please do not apologise for it.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 17:35:05

I'm not buying her flowers. That's not happening. That may be me being stubborn but it won't help matters and I'm not that kind of person. I would say that I was wrong to have spoken to her like that but I don't believe I was wrong in what I was trying to say so I'm unsure how I would word it without just starting something over again.

Don't buy her Flowers!!!
And don't apologise!!!

A mil that puts her own feelings before her own granchilds........seriously i would estrange myself from her

McHappyPants2012 Sun 14-Oct-12 17:36:33

Don't you dare apologise.

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 17:37:34

If keeping the moral high ground means pandering to a heartless witch and letting her have her own way, then I'd rather not keep it. wink

I'm bloody glad my mum will never be the MIL from hell. DP's is a pain in the arse at times though...

pigletmania Sun 14-Oct-12 17:41:50

No don't apologise, you were justified saying that to a horrid woman who hates you fr no good reason and who refused to help her grandchild when she was sick. Tere is only so much shit a person can take, you have nthing to lose with toxic nasty in laws.

diddl Sun 14-Oct-12 17:42:02

I wouldn´t bother any more.

And if she doesn´t ask to see the children, I´d see if your stbh would stop taking them & just see her himself if he really wants to.

I just don´t understand some people.

Not that long after I moved here my oldest had been throwing up & I needed to fetch my youngest from kindergarten.

I asked my neighbour to sit with my oldest for about 15mins.

I barely knew her, but it never occurred to me that if it was possible she would refuse.

That a family member did just astounds me.

maddening Sun 14-Oct-12 17:42:44

Yanbu - she sounds childish so don't worry about it. Personally think she has treated you with such undeserved disdain that she probably deserved it - although it could have been put more eloquently it definitely puts the point across. The fact she has used it to turn the rest of the family against you is awful and dh should have a quiet word to ensure they have the full picture.

i also think your dh should press her for the reason she took such a dislike to you!

Shelby2010 Sun 14-Oct-12 17:46:55

YABU - you shouldn't have said that.

What you should have said is 'Well fuck her & the horse she rode in on! - a great phrase I read on Mumsnet and am still waiting to use.

She sounds like a bitch. Hope DD feels better soon.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 17:50:22

Apparently when I was at a family party one time I said to DP which theyd overheard "I'd rather be out here (outside) than in there as I can't stand it". This was taken to the family as I can't stand them because they were pandering to DC's and then ignoring me etc. It hurt me that outside of that party they'd barely taken any interest in our DC's and yet were saying how precious they were and then word got around about how I hated all the family and that I was ignorant and snooty for not staying in the room for the full 3 hours.

It's shit like this rather than actual fighting. Situations where comments are misconstrued and I end up the bad person. DP set them all straight on the day but they called him a liar and we left. They're not a confrontational family so no outright arguments or fights and it's all Chinese whispers and hushed snide remarks. If it was a row I could hold my own but how can I possibly compete with that?

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 17:56:02

I agree with GhostShip.

Just stick to what you've been doing, your partner taking them round every now and again.

pigletmania Sun 14-Oct-12 17:59:41

Whatever issues they have with you, there is no reason for her to take it out on your dd, you were justified in your response, their refusale to help was probably the straw tt broke the camels back

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Oct-12 17:59:41

You cant compete, so the trick is to not try. Distance yourself - make sure you have an emergancy fund and now you don't have anything to do with any of them, tell yourself they don't matter. They can whisper all they like.

For the wedding, i'd be tempted to just go away and get married without any of them being there, tell them afterwards.

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Sun 14-Oct-12 18:05:32

I agree she got off lightly. Yes you were rude - when you were grossly provoked and under stress! So ok you lack manners when under stress. What's her excuse for lacking loving care? hmm

Expat - I'm apalled to read about your inlaws too. Your poor dh, he must feel so let down.

Fairylea Sun 14-Oct-12 18:17:21

Yanbu. She deserved it. It's her grandchild for fucks sake ! Couldn't she just keep her mouth shut and get on with you / let you go with her for goodness sakes.

How ridiculous.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Sun 14-Oct-12 18:19:54

oh well, it will make the wedding cheaper grin

yanbu to tell her to lump it, though i would have tried to do it without swearing. makes it hader fo her to do the chinese whispers thing... chinese whispers can go both ways though... get dp to send the message back the ohter way.

Gooshka Sun 14-Oct-12 18:25:05

YANBU. Yes it was rude, yes there are better (more mature) ways of dealing with things etc but sometimes you just need to say it as it is and this was one of those times. It might do her good to see that you have a limit to what you will put up with and this was your limit. Life's too short for feuds and arguments but it's also too short to tolerate arseholes. Good for you!

LtEveDallas Sun 14-Oct-12 18:35:32

I know this may be unpopular, but I'm afraid I'd be stopping contact. You say that your DP takes the children round for 'the children's sake' - but she has now shown that she doesn't care about them, so what's the point? Do they really need her in their lives?

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 18:40:55

I'd quite likely have done the same and I don't think you were being unreasonable. About time she was told really.

I would have nothing further to do with them after this. They sound like arseholes.

Leena49 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:45:04

I'm sorry. You call them for help because money is tight and you haven't got this or that. They can't help on that occasion so you tell her to go fuck herself!
Personally I think you sound like you expect other people to run round after you and then are quite rude when they are not prepared to.
Put an emergency taxi fund away and stop taking her for granted.

Bumblebee333 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:45:16

YANBU - I would have done the same. She needs to grow up.

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 18:52:30

leena did you miss the bit where it was an emergency and a 4 year old was ill?

OP would you have expected them to "run around" after you if your dd had been well?

I think if you can't call on family and rely on them for help in an emergency then it's a sad state of affairs.

Leena49 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:54:47

Perhaps it's just me and I'm 45 and my MIL is 75 but no never. I've never asked or expected that kind of help.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 18:55:01

Leena, this is an extenuating circumstance. I don't call her if I need a lift to Tesco or for free money. She could help but she made it quite clear that she didn't want to help me when it was nothing to do with me and all about my daughter. If I was asking her for things and she said you couldn't do you think I would have been quite so stressed probably so rude? We don't like each other and that's fine but when helping her grandchild is on a conditional basis I get shirty.

Leena49 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:57:21

Also I can never imagine telling any woman who is 30 years old than me to 'go and fuck herself'. I know you felt stressed but was that necessary?

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 18:57:41

Yes I think it probably is just you leena.

Can I ask would you refuse to help your grandchild the way this MIL did?

Leena49 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:59:04

Yes it probably is!

MrsKeithRichards Sun 14-Oct-12 18:59:19

But she was willing to take you dd?

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 18:59:28

Yep, it's just you, Leena. Ill 4-year-old with high temp. Asked for a lift, she said no if the OP were going.

I'm 41. Don't see what age has to do with it.

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 19:00:38

Leena it wasn't a case of can't. It was wont.

She doesn't sound like she expects people to run around after her, how can you make that judgment from one example, an example in which her child was ill and in a lot of pain.

You can only take someone for granted if they benefit your life in some way, this doesn't really seem like the case does it

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 19:00:54

Sorry, would you put conditions on helping your grandchild?

Leena you are joking aren't you??
You are seriously saying op is taking mil forgrantedconfused, exactly how?

Her own grandchild was ill, she had a car but put her hatred for op before that of her own sick gc-She sounds like a witch tbh.

Note: You can be a witch bitch at any age.

squoosh Sun 14-Oct-12 19:05:58


I would have said a lot more. I'd keep your contact with her to the bare mimimum from now on. Hope you're eloping as a wedding with his family sounds nightmarish.

Leena49 Sun 14-Oct-12 19:06:11

I find that telling someone to go fuck themselves doesn't endear that person to you. Perhaps there has been these kind of exchanges before and she didn't want to put herself in that situation again. She did offer to take the child just not the mum.

squoosh Sun 14-Oct-12 19:08:32

Well luckily she wasn't trying to endear herself Leena. She was venting her frustration that the old cow would rather allow her granddaughter suffer than be in the company of her daughter in law.

Leena Even if that was the case, in this instance the mil could have thought of the welfare of her gk.
No sick little girl wants to be without their mummy and no mummy of sick child wants to be without their child!

And everyone snaps when we get frustrated with a tight fisted miserable old sap. "Go f* yourself" imo is quite light considering the circumstancesgrin

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 19:10:44

As the OP has not mentioned that there have been these kind of exchanges before I am thinking it's a bit hmm to judge the OP on them. Basically you are forming an opinion on something YOU imagine might have happened.

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 19:11:28

Again Leena. Would YOU put conditions on helping your ill grandchild?

Leena49 Sun 14-Oct-12 19:11:55

Mm it's sad all round. I just can't imagine my MIL saying that and I can't imagine me ever venting my frustration like that.
Ultimately everyone including the little girl will suffer from this breakdown in relationship.

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Sun 14-Oct-12 19:13:15

Imo y were nbu. Mil was out of order.

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 19:13:19

OP does your MIL Leena come on MN?

Tuttutitlookslikerain Sun 14-Oct-12 19:13:41

WTF is wrong with the woman? MIL not you OP.

If I had been the MIL I'd have had my shoes on and been out the door on double quick time!

Yes you were rude, she deserved it so tough shit IMVHO. Look on the brightside, Christmas just got cheaper!wink

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 19:15:02

No great loss without some gain eh tuttu? grin

Leena49 Sun 14-Oct-12 19:15:10

Ha ha no I'm not the MIL. Thank god!

BarbarianMum Sun 14-Oct-12 19:17:04

Maybe it would be wrong of me, but I would personally find her behaviour pretty much unforgivable. Noway would I apologise and I couldn't care less what various relatives think.

I would probably provide a lift to a complete stranger if their child was sick and they were desperate, and I'm not a particularly nice person.

Severing ties can be good, me & kids are now estranged from mil and everyone including dcs are now much happier without her toxic affect she had on our lifes.

What sort of 'grandparent' refuses to drive mum & child to hospital? Because even my awful mil wasn't that dreadful & thats saying something!

BillyBollyBandy Sun 14-Oct-12 19:22:48

For goodness sake I would have taken you if you had asked and I don't know you from Adam!

Stuff her. No doubt most of the family know what she is like, and if they don't they soon will. Poisonous and irrelevant is how you should view her.

londone17 Sun 14-Oct-12 19:23:48

Yanbu op. I'd save myself the hassle by cutting them out of your lives as they're not your family at the end of the day and you've nothing to lose.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 14-Oct-12 19:27:54

so im sure ive got this correct...

you had no idea what was wrong with dd?
you were concerned enough to call ooh dr?
ooh dr was concerned enough to actually see dd?
stbmil is dd's gm?
gm actually asked who was going before she said no?
you never normally ask gm for help?
and all you said was tell her to go fuck herself?

yabu i would have told her to fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck and when she got there fuck of some more and stay the fuck there.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 14-Oct-12 19:29:06

and fwiw,if a total stranger knocked my door with a sick child who needed a dr, i would drive them to one.

londone17 Sun 14-Oct-12 19:32:49

Well said!

Morebiscuitsplease Sun 14-Oct-12 19:34:47

Sometimes you get to the end of your tether with folk. If you can say sorry and mean it do it,but I too have been in a situation and I couldn't say sorry because I wasn't. Such behaviour is exceptional for me but I had to be true to myself. Sometimes these situations can make everyone reflect and once all is calm can rebuild.
Best of luck, be kind to yourself and hope your little girl is well soon.

PeppermintLatte Sun 14-Oct-12 19:35:01

Surprised at the number of posters taking the MIL's side.

Yanbu. She was bang out of order & you must be at the end of your tether. Providing you've always tried in the past and always been as pleasant as you can up to this point, then i don't see how you can be at fault. I'd be telling your sis in law & the aunties and uncles who are having a say to go and fuck themselves as well.

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 19:35:18

Sockreturning grin

Your username confused me for a second there..

NonnoMum Sun 14-Oct-12 19:35:33

You are 45!
I thought you must be about 17.

So - you haven't been bothered to learn to drive. Your own father was too drunk to drive you. Your daughter had been ill for 2 days but you decided that you must have a lift to the doctors on a cold Saturday night. You haven't budgeted for any contingency money in case your children are ill/emergencies that you are prepared to deal with as an adult, and when people aren't at your beck and call, you dare to tell them to GO FUCK THEMSELVES.

You sound charming.

Hope your daughter is OK...

Lavenderhoney Sun 14-Oct-12 19:38:22

Oh dear. Could you ask your future dh to call her, tell her dd is fine now and explain he is marrying you, so you arent going anywhere? Plus the rest of the family sound like they enjoy a family bust up. I would try to defuse it as Christmas and your wedding could be ruined for you all. Your future dh has to speak to all IMO and explain the circumstances, sure you shouted what you did but of course you would go with your dd, it's her tht is important not family strife. He could say you feel unhappy they all react like this. Your future mil needs to know you are a family unit. Can you invite them for tea and try to talk? Ask her to be able to try at least, as you are. I would be very worried about a big drunken wedding bust up. Where are your family? Do they get on with her? She might be playing the matriarch. It took my mil 5 years to realise I wasnt a pushover like my other sil. She is fab nowsmile but she tried to control my weding which i will never forgive her for. But thats another thread!! Dh stood up for me which has to happen always.

Don't let it worry you too much tbh. Concentrate on getting dd well. Poor sweetie, my dear old doctor told me to seve ice cream first before dinner, to soothe throatssmile

Do you rely on them for other things?

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 19:38:42

There have been no exchanges like this with MIL. I may have vented to DP about her but in our situations it's usually very strained civility ie. her ignoring my presence and never any shouting or heated discussions. If she can see I'm getting to the point where I'll say something untoward she will leave and tell everyone on her side that I made her feel awful and uncomfortable by being present in my own house when she dropped something in for DP. I may have been what constitutes to her as rude but not sworn at her or really been what I consider rude.

I ask MIL for nothing. DP will ask her for things for himself if we don't have the money (in the past to buy a uni book as an early Christmas present etc) but never anything for mine or the children's benefit. She will buy cakes for the DCs and to give them to DP for them and £10 in a birthday card but doesn't see them off her own back ever. The only exception is when she's dropping in to say something to DP and sees the DCs for a maximum 2 minutes even if I'm not there.

I don't feel like I deserve this but believe she did. My side of the family are livid at her but DP just says he's fed up of it and just keeps the peace until it gets out of hand.

squoosh Sun 14-Oct-12 19:41:41

NonnoMum you sound a warm hearted charmer yourself hmm

Oh and the OP didn't say she was 45.

Charming nonnomum!
I you mil is on here opgrin

londone17 Sun 14-Oct-12 19:43:08

Not everybody can afford to learn to drive and run a car. Op's dad isn't a mind reader. Op's daughter was monitered but got worse. A lot of people are struggling for money now in case you hadn't noticed. Her daughter was ill and OP was worried, so asked for a one off favour because she was desperate. Things happen, can you plan every minute of every possible scenario that may take place nonnomum?

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 19:44:23


Please do go boil your head, there's a dear.

PumpkInDublic Sun 14-Oct-12 19:44:47

She didn't "bother" to learn to drive, but at least she's bothered to read the thread NonnoMum, OP has not given her age. HTH.

hermioneweasley Sun 14-Oct-12 19:50:57

I'm another one for cutting contact. That the MIL would use her dislike of OP (for whatever reason) as a reason to not help her granddaughter is shocking. This woman has no place in your life or your DD's life.

Fabulousfreaks Sun 14-Oct-12 19:52:20

I am always shocked by the mn attitudes that think it is unreasonable and wrong to ask family for help/favours and that it is selfish to rely on family. Who are you people? I don't know anyone in rl who think like that. Of course there are people who cannot rely on family or have horrid relatives but to think it is wrong beggars belief. A healthy family is there for you and you for them.

So op yanbu, your mil deserved a lot worse than a fuck off.

Bitchy old cow!

Bin her off OP. Who gives a damn if she's upset/not at your wedding?

Your dp shouldn't have allowed them to treat you badly for this long. His "keeping the peace" in this situation is a total cop out.

Will doctors not come out to sick children anymore?

AnyaKnowIt Sun 14-Oct-12 19:57:29

YANBU I can't believe she refused because of you shock

I would have told her to fuck off as well!

At that time off night, a stranger could knock on my door asking for a lift to take their dc to ooh and I would take them no problem

PumpkInDublic Sun 14-Oct-12 19:59:06

Just wanted to say it's lovely how many people would put themselves out to drive a stranger to hospital if needed late at night. thanks for you all, you lovely people. <has a little more faith in the world>

I am the same. I can't afford to run a car/insure it.
We were lucky in past that we lived walking distance to a walk in centre and a and e. Now I live about 9 miles away I would be screwed.

Lavenderhoney Sun 14-Oct-12 20:04:02

Blimey op, she does sound awful. At least she is not always round moaning though. The fact she didn't want to take your dd then stipulated it had to be your dp would be enough for me. It sounds very close knit family mind you, which I haven't experience of- both me and dh got out of that and live hundreds of miles away so we have friends we choose and family we choose to see.

Can you ask at the doctors what to do if it happens again? We have call out in our area, and our doctor knows our circumstances, lives nearby and is happy to pop in.

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 20:05:39

'What sort of 'grandparent' refuses to drive mum & child to hospital? Because even my awful mil wasn't that dreadful & thats saying something! '

The same kind who, when her exhausted DIL and son beg her to stay another day helping them both get a break as their child is in ICU, says no and leaves because she 'can't bear to see her go this way'.

The same kind who, because they'd planned to spend the weekend with half-board at an inn near her son, DIL and grandkids, but one of them was diagnosed with cancer the night of their arrival, carried on holidaying, didn't offer to look after the child's siblings so her son could go see that child with cancer except around their paid for breakfast (which ended at noon), and dinner even though the hospital was an hour and a half drive each way.

The same kind who, again came to visit, and was asked to drop off her grandchilld's laundry on the way home, it was on teh way, sent her son instead, two kids in tow, because they wanted to take a more scenic route home.

The same kind who never once offered to come through of a weekend or during the week (they're retired) to look after the other two so her son could spend more time with his child (it was always, 'you can bring them here).

The same kind who, when her son went through to lodge wtih them, obstensibly so he could spend more time with his child, had him drive his dad to an appointment about an ulcer.

Some people don't deserve grandchildren.

shocksad Expat!
Hope you have estranged yourself from, what selfish arseholes.

Christ, expat sad

cocolepew Sun 14-Oct-12 20:15:18

I've told MIL to fuck off more than once, unfortunately she has the skin of a rhino.

When DD1 was very young she was admitted to hospital with dehydration due to vomiting and diahorrea MIL rocked up with a big smile on her face and her bag of knitting and sat down saying "isn't this great? All of us together spending time together?" DH was the one who told her to fuck off that time.

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Sun 14-Oct-12 20:15:34

Some people just aren't very good at (grand)parenting are they?

cocolepew Sun 14-Oct-12 20:16:01

Sorry to hear that expat, how selfish sad

Aerobreaking Sun 14-Oct-12 20:17:28

ellargh I agree YANBU! Your MIL was totally out of order.

However <may say something you might not like now>

I think your DP needs to step up. I know you said he stood up for you with his family but I'm not sure he really has. IMHO he needs to make it clear to his family that you are his soon-to-be wife, and mother of his children, and you deserve to be respected. And if they can't respect the woman he chose to spend his life with, then quite frankly they don't deserve to have your lovely little family in their life. It sounds like he just wants to keep the peace (I think a lot of men do) but no-one is really winning in this situation are they? And strained civility with hushed comments isn't really peaceful anyway?

Hope DD gets better soon, tonsillitis can be rotten.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 20:18:36

I'm not 45. I'm in my late twenties. DP has a license but we can't afford a car. :/ My father wasn't drunk but he'd had enough to drink that would render him dangerous to drive so I would never take the risk. It wasn't his fault he, as a grown man, had a few drinks on a Saturday night without worrying about a possible emergency from his grown up daughter. My daughter had been ill but until the high temperature I thought it was just a cold. As soon as I noticed the high temperature I took the appropriate action. If you're my MIL, off you fuck. Again.

BarbarianMum Sun 14-Oct-12 20:18:40

<<Some people just aren't very good at (grand)parenting are they?>>

Some people aren't very good at acting human.

Expat - there are just no words sad

Strawhatpirate Sun 14-Oct-12 20:19:32

YANBU and please don't apologize! Anyone who would refuse to help a poorly 4yr old let alone their own gd is a complete c*nt.

treedelivery Sun 14-Oct-12 20:21:18

I hope I'd help my child out in similar circumstance (any circumstances). Can anyone imagine saying no to their son or daughter in this sort of example?

BambinoBoo Sun 14-Oct-12 20:21:21

My DH recently drove our neighbour to A&E as his DGD had fallen and banged her head. His wife was out with the car and not answering. DH didn't blink. To think that your DD's own GM put conditions on a lift is shocking. It sounds like you telling her to fuck off was only a matter of time. Your DD was ill, everything was conspiring against you and all you wanted was to get her to hospital. I'd have told her to fuck off too in your shoes.

I'd be rethinking the wedding day; i can imagine a day of bitchy comments and whispering. We eloped for similar reasons which gave them something to really hate me for. Got so bad we moved 200 miles away and I've not seen them in 18 months. Your DP needs to man up on this. Trust me, mine didn't and it almost tore us apart. To say I felt/ feel resentment would be an understatement.

Hope your DD is on the mend soon.

Strawhatpirate Sun 14-Oct-12 20:23:27

Expat there aren't any words to let you know how sorry I am for everything you've been through.

Everlong Sun 14-Oct-12 20:24:29

What is the real reason to why she doesn't like you?

Tbf telling her to fuck off or whatever it was will certainly now give her the justification she needs to carry on ignoring you.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 20:26:42

DP obviously wants his family there but has agreed to just do it in a nice outfit with our two best friends as witnesses and instead of a reception we'd have a night on the town drinking and dancing to celebrate. If our family would like to join us that is up to them. We would have a 'wedding' for our 5 or 10 year anniversary if we could afford it. On our budget we were just having a register office ceremony then having a meal in a restaurant where everyone paid for their own meal as a present if they wanted to come anyway.

Expat. Jesus. There are no words. I could never class my MIL as mean and callous as that!!

sad expat

ravenAK Sun 14-Oct-12 20:27:39

I can imagine saying it under the circumstances, but I think I'd apologise afterwards.

She might well be a selfish unhelpful old witch - all the more reason to try to hang on to the moral high ground...

Although DP needs to have a word with his sister, aunties etc...'DP & Mum had words, that's all, & it's between the two of them to sort it out, or not. Meanwhile my dd's been ill & you lot mouthing off about her mother isn't helping us as a family, so if you wouldn't mind winding your necks in...'

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 20:27:56

Ellargh, accept that some people are completely self-absorbed and selfish.

In our case, we learned the IL's are unwilling to let anything disrupt their own comfort and plans. So they're welcome to all that, without us in their lives.

Glad I don't have to listen to their constant moans about their health problems.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 20:28:58

Nobody knows Everlong. She has never said and when asked changes the subject. The only issue I can think if is the situation upthread I mentioned but the not bothering with the DCs etc started before that for me to want to go outside.

lovebunny Sun 14-Oct-12 20:29:05

op, sack the lot of them. i'm not joking. i'd sack your mil's son, as well. get rid of the lot. what are they doing to make your life better?

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 20:31:36

Ours still wanted DH to go through to theirs, of course, to give him presents for DS's and DD2's birthday and Christmas.

He said no.

They didn't have time for their granddaughter with cancer, so we don't have time for them.

Everlong Sun 14-Oct-12 20:32:42

Very frustrating and demoralising for you.

All I would say is as much as you can try and not let it eat away at you.

Hope your dd is feeling better now too.

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 20:32:48

They posted cards to DH for his birthday.

Never said sorry for how they acted because they don't honestly think they did anything wrong.

Apparently it's all my fault for not making MIL feel wanted.

I had other things on my mind.

londone17 Sun 14-Oct-12 20:34:08

One day she will need a favour ellargh, then she'll know what it feels like. Hope your daughter gets well soon.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 20:34:34

I don't think I would have been able to restrain myself from minor physical violence, expat. Just a punch in the face.

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 20:35:22

I was too aggrieved, ella. My father was furious!

Expat, I have no words. That level of selfishness and self absorption...your DH must be devastated that his parents have shown so little support.

Expat sad I don't even have words for that!

Everlong Sun 14-Oct-12 20:37:09

God expat reading that stuff about your in laws makes me so mad and sad.

How could they behave like that. Horrible.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 20:37:19

Thank you everyone. So far DD has slept from 7pm but I'm thinking she might be up again soon sad

If I could be accepted, be civil and have her love her GC then it would be great. Sadly that isn't going to happen. DP is having a serious conversation with himself right now as to whether she deserves to be in any of our lives after the way she has acted these past few years.

PeppermintLatte Sun 14-Oct-12 20:37:38

Expat, i am so very sorry for what you have been through. So glad you have got those disgusting creatures out of your life. Wishing you, your DH and your kids all the best for the future xxxxx

londone17 Sun 14-Oct-12 20:37:43

Im very sorry expat.

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 20:38:11

He didn't see it, till several others and I pointed it out. He's used to it.

See, ella, people like your MIL are so self-centred, they'll never see anything they do as wrong.

So they're not worth the price of piss.

cocolepew Sun 14-Oct-12 20:39:30

Anither thing puzzles me is people saying you shouldn't be rude to someone because if their age. MIL is in her 60's and is an utter bitch, she was a bitch all her life, her age isn't an excuse.

Being old doesn't give you a get out clause for being rude.

CupsofTeaAndHandfulsOfCake Sun 14-Oct-12 20:42:08

My former MIL told me to 'get over it' when I had a miscarriage. I was very young and upset, it was the day after I had got home from the hospital having the D and C.
I had tried so hard to become close to her for all the time I knew her in every way I could (I was only 16).
I told her to fuck off.
She did and I haven't heard a word from her for about 13 years now, she divorced my former FIL and no one else in the family speaks to her no surprise there
A grandmother who doesn't move heaven and earth to help their grandchild get medical help is worth nothing.

CupsofTeaAndHandfulsOfCake Sun 14-Oct-12 20:43:52

Just read expats posts.
So sorry for your loss x

perfumedlife Sun 14-Oct-12 20:46:52


Well, you may have held the moral high ground if you hadn't told her to fuck off but I can totally see why you did. It's one thing for her to say I can't go, for whatever reason, but to dictate that she would not go if you were there was just poisonous. Still, at least you now know exactly where you stand with her and don't need to keep up the pretense with her.

I sacked my MIL three years ago after similar crap, best thing I ever did. Life is hard, don't fill it with folk who add to it's problems.

NonnoMum Sun 14-Oct-12 20:47:04

Er, as I understand she didn't say she wouldn't drive, she just implied she would rather be in the car with her son, than her soon to be DiL? She might have thought the child's dad would be calmer at the OOH Drs than the mother? Or she might just be nasty, I have no idea. I only have the OPs point of view.

It's easy to come on here and slag off other people and make yourself feel better.

Maybe the OP is an angel. Maybe she is Karen Matthews. I've absolutely no idea. Sometimes thinking about WHY someone behaves towards another human being in such a negative way makes for a more interesting discussion than merely agreeing with the OP and helping her feel better about her outburst?

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 20:47:06

I think the thing that hurts is that everyone from DP's former girlfriends to his friends say how lovely she is and I'm sitting here like why are me and my gorgeous innocent daughters not worthy of your love and time? It feels vicious even though it's very passive sad

McHappyPants2012 Sun 14-Oct-12 20:47:39

If anybody needed a lift to a doctor or hospital i wouldn't give a shinny shit what time it was.

expats i am gob smacked by the way you have been treated by family members, especially when caring for your daughter sad I am so sorry for your loss.

perfumedlife Sun 14-Oct-12 20:48:06

And like cocolepew said, nasty old folk are just nasty young folk who aged. Fuck making allowances for age.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 20:50:30

It would be so much easier to say I'm a horrible person who has never wanted her in our lives and has used every opportunity to want to fight her and call her a cunt. I could understand it then but as it goes while I may be opinionated and confident I am not a horrible or malicious person and DP has even said he sees nothing wrong with anything I've doneor said apart from the fuck off bit as I could have just said not to bother.

McHappyPants2012 Sun 14-Oct-12 20:50:44

NonnoMum i have reported your thread. WTF has Karen Matthews got to do with this thread.

perfumedlife Sun 14-Oct-12 20:51:26

Well Nonnomum she did say she didn't want to at first and then seemed to come round. What kind of grandmother needs coaching to take her sick grandchild to doctors? One this family can manage without it would seem.

Lavenderhoney Sun 14-Oct-12 20:52:55

Expat, i can't imagine how that must have feltsad

My mum called me to complain my sister wanted her to go with her to great olmond street with her dd re spine issues, and mum said no on account of leaving the cat alone all day. I put her straight and she went. However, said sister refused to collect me from hospital after mc as she had to cook her dp dinner ( even though he told her to drop everything, I heard him) so there you go.

Ell argh, your wedding plans seem very sensiblesmile

MrsBaggins Sun 14-Oct-12 20:57:12

The child was very ill.
What type of grandparent decides whether she will drive them to get urgent medical care because she would prefer to go with her son.
Sometimes people seem to regress and become very childish as they get older.
YANBU Op - hope your DD is feeling better.
Expat - I really dont know what to say - other than im so sorry xxx

squoosh Sun 14-Oct-12 20:57:47

Nonno a grandmother who only agrees to drive her sick granddaughter to the hospital with the caveat that the child's mother cannot come does deserve the title of grandmother.

But please feel free to focus on the OPs manners during a moment of stress instead.

NonnoMum Sun 14-Oct-12 20:59:27

Thank you for reporting me.
I was making an analogy that the OP might be a perfect mother or might not be. For this comparison I used Karen Matthews as a name in the media who has been found wanting in her parenting skills.
I hope the OP is a wonderful, lovely person. But I don't know that. All I know was that when she was under pressure (to get her daughter to an OOH Drs) she told an old lady to "Go Fuck yourself".
I was bringing something else to thread as to WHY the old lady might not leap to help the mother of her grandchild on a cold, late evening.

Nonnomum don't start with the little old lady rubbish-they aint all nice.
Comparing Op to km is somewhat disturbing!

squoosh Sun 14-Oct-12 21:03:17

'old lady', 'cold, late evening', all very emotive language.

Not as emotive though as 'No I won't take your sick child to hospital if I have to bring you too'

MrsBaggins Sun 14-Oct-12 21:04:08

What on earth difference does it make as to whether the OP is Theworldsperfectmother or not hmm
Her little girl was very poorly and the GM started playing silly manipulative games "who is going " rather than thinking of the little one who was ill.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 21:04:28

I don't believe my manners toward a woman who has made clear her dislike of me and then proceeds to put conditions on her help toward a 4 year-old girl has any relation to my parenting abilities.

But I agree that you have no idea who I am and I could be the world's batshit craziest mother who lets her child get seriously ill before deciding to look at my provisional drivers license with tears in my eyes thinking about my clearly neglectful past and bothering my MIL who I've been a cow to just to tell her to go fuck herself.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 21:05:51

My MIL is not old. She is 51. I don't think most people class 51 as an old lady.

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 21:06:55

A 'little old lady' on a 'cold evening'

Get a grip! The child could have been seriously ill but this little old lady you speak off didn't give a flying fuck. And what has cold got to do with it? Don't we have clothes and heated cars?

No need to explain yourself op.
Quite cleary, your mil is the one who is completely stir crazy & very, very selfish!

McHappyPants2012 Sun 14-Oct-12 21:07:44

my own mother is 50 and got 13 grandchildren.

If she found out that i took out the well child to an OOH appoinment for the unwell child she would be have a few choice words to say to me for dragging them out when she is only a phonecall away.

Everlong Sun 14-Oct-12 21:09:40

I think what nonno is saying that there are two sides to a story and we are only hearing one side here.

As I said earlier there is obviously a back story between the two women.

discrete Sun 14-Oct-12 21:10:06

Actually, I would take this as an opportunity to never talk to her again in my life, if I were you.

I can forgive many things, but when gps put their own pettiness above children's needs, my inner angry lioness gets unleashed and woe is anyone who gets in the way!

nkf Sun 14-Oct-12 21:10:36

By the sound of it, you just shouted out in anxiety and temper. She sounds like a mean spirited old bag. Of course, you shouldn't swear blah blah blah but, honestly, she did have it coming. Forgive yourself.

NonnoMum Sun 14-Oct-12 21:16:10

I take it all back.

Your soon-to-be MiL is a crazy lady who dislikes you for no reason.

The aunties and uncles must be deluded for feeling defensive and disgruntled towards how their sister was spoken to.

You win. I agree with everything you say.

Don't EVER try and see things from someone else's point of view. Don't EVER think about things from another perspective. Don't EVER consider that you might have approached a situation differently if it presented itself to you again.

Criticise EVERYONE (including your partner - oh, you have done). Never ever question yourself.

I truly hope your DD gets well soon.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 21:16:39

It was definitely anxiety and temper due to the situation. I wouldn't call her to borrow £10 and if she refused tell her to go fuck herself. It was very much about the situation at hand and not related to how I feel about her or how I have felt about her in the past. I mentioned the backstory so as not to drip feed but would have said the sane if my father had done the sane iyswim

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 21:18:09

Have I criticised my partner? I don't think I have. I have said that he sees my point of view and supports me but still doesn't like upsetting his very much loved mother.

nkf Sun 14-Oct-12 21:20:27

And if she's not a perfect mother or is a crap mother, all the more reason to go and pick up the granddaughter and get her to the hospital. The MIL didn't want to then agreed and then said she wouldn't if it was the OP. Of course it may be all a tissue of lies and the OP is in fact a witch who put a spell on her partner's entire family. Of course it's only one side of the story. It's always one side of the story.

squoosh Sun 14-Oct-12 21:20:30

Stop shouting Nonno, it's tiresome.

MrsBaggins Sun 14-Oct-12 21:21:33

Oh FGS Nonno
The OP should sit there navelgazing while her DC is very ill and needs help .
Are you the MIL ???

perfumedlife Sun 14-Oct-12 21:23:30

OP I don't think Nonnomum can see it from your point of view for whatever reason. Some folk just cannot conceive of such nasty behaviour for no reason. My Mil knew dh and I were frantic with worry over his son, my stepson. We had no way of contacting him, he was ten years old and his mother was unreachable. Turns out he was on the child protection register, in care and my dh's ex wife was living with Mil. So, she protected the ex dil who had tried to kill her own grandchild. She didn't tell her own son who was in despair. Her excuse? She 'didn't want to get involved' angry

nkf Sun 14-Oct-12 21:24:22

Nonno does mean grandmother doesn't it? Maybe they are all on here. Maybe the OP and the grandmother are posting alternately. Maybe it's all made up.

One tip someone once gave me - always keep enough cash in the house for a taxi to A&E.

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 21:25:13

Nonno - no-one is saying you shouldn't question things, but the way you worded it was questionable.

You made the assumption that the MIL is a little innocent old lady. We don't have anything to suggest she is. We can only go off what the OP says.

Corygal Sun 14-Oct-12 21:26:38

How ill was your DD? Bad cold or anything that needed treatment?

Of course, you know you were foully rude, but your wedding will be grim now, and I'm not sure you deserve that.

Fakebook Sun 14-Oct-12 21:31:56

I don't know. What mil did was a really bitchy thing. Completely horrible. But still don't think swearing at someone like that solves anything and you've given her more reason to hate you now. Upon hearing her say that, I would've just asked dh to ask her for some money and gone in a taxi myself.

Word of warning, people like your mil are crafty and very snide. She's playing you really well to make you react. The best way to deal with these people is to keep quiet and let them bark. They'll soon embarrass themselves and be exposed for the real thing they are. Seems like the whole family are the same. You need to learn to play them at their own game. Be sweet and cheerful in their presence. They'll hate it.

Mummiesarescary Sun 14-Oct-12 21:32:20

It wouldn't matter to me if my dil was an evil cow who was awful to me for no reason. I'd still take her and my gd to the doctors

McHappyPants2012 Sun 14-Oct-12 21:33:46

my sister was so nasty towards my husband when we first got together, but when she went into preterm labour and needed to get to the hospital asap my husband was there in a heartbeat.

It's called being human

catsmother Sun 14-Oct-12 21:42:32

In the circumstances YANBU.

I wonder what would have happened had your partner been away that night for some reason and you were desperate for help ? Would the cold hearted cow really have refused to help out at all then if it were "just" you ? It doesn't bear thinking about.

I'm sorry you're having to put up with this, and pleased your daughter's improving. It beggars belief that anyone, let alone a grandparent would refuse to help an ill child if they could.

jjuice Sun 14-Oct-12 21:51:56

YANBU...although some on here are nanno
I would have told her to go to fuck.
as for the comments about your child being ill for a couple of days and you doing nothing they can all fuck along off too. My DS had a cold when he was a baby I asked my best mate if i should take him to the dr she said nah he is fine it's just a cold...within 2 hours he had started to cough and was pneumonia. It came from NOWHERE. Same DS was crying in bed...DD came and told me...he looked like he had was tonsilitis. He hadn't even complained of a sore throat up to that point ( he has Aspbergers and thus strange pain thresholds) so unless we all take our children to hospital at the first sniff don't throw stones.

Expat...words fail me. hugs (non mumsnetty)

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 22:03:41

DD has tonsilitis so she needed antibiotics. It wasn't until her temperature went over 39 that I really worried as I was always told a temperature of around 37-38 isn't high for her age group. it's what prompted a call to OOH instead of just waiting to take her to the GP tomorrow.

BlueSkySinking Sun 14-Oct-12 22:41:09

I think its perfectly reasonable that you were annoyed. Maybe you could have used nicer words to express yourself but I wouldn't bother too much about the gossip. I think I would FB or tweet or text about how ill DD has been and how worried you were and say nothing about the MIL.

FutTheShuckUp Sun 14-Oct-12 22:42:32

I would like to high five you

inabeautifulplace Sun 14-Oct-12 22:45:11

In the circumstances YANBU. In difficult times this woman cannot overcome her selfish nature. Seems totally normal to me that a young child would want mummy with them if they're ill.

One thing does come to mind though- perhaps there are lots of gps who are not into the whole big family experience. Not specifically about the OP situation, but I know my own Dad isn't moving heaven and earth to visit his GD. I respect that, he's earned his retirement and has got his own life to lead. Unquestionably he'd step up in a crisis, I just think some people aren't naturally family oriented. It doesn't make them horrible, just different.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 23:04:46

That's the thing though. My father isn't into the whole family thing but still sees my DCs (his only grandchildren) at least once a fortnight for more than half an hour. SIL's son is the best thing since sliced bread though. He gets says out every two weeks with the grandparents and he gets toys as much as he wants them, she'll drive 20 minutes either way to see him twice a week while us round the corner get nothing. I'm bitter about that but don't dwell on it as I can't do anything about it. That's how I know the problem is with us rather than MIL not being a good grandparent as she's clearly capable of being one.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 23:08:41

SIL's son is ten months younger than DD so it's not a PFB issue sad

MidniteScribbler Mon 15-Oct-12 03:01:21

Why couldn't you just call an ambulance?

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 03:31:26

An ambulance to go to the OOH surgery?

LDNmummy Mon 15-Oct-12 04:24:30

Even my toxic in-law's wouldn't stoop so low.

You reacted in the way I most likely would have.

Hope your DD feels better soon.

MidniteScribbler Mon 15-Oct-12 04:31:45

If it's that much of an urgency that you needed to ring everyone you know for a lift at that time of night then you should go to emergency I would have thought.

scrablet Mon 15-Oct-12 05:47:33

The OP was calling family, not all and sundry. An ambulance would not take you to ooh, only to a&e. Hope your DD managed to sleep thru and feels better today OP. And hope you get some rest yourself.

alienreflux Mon 15-Oct-12 07:34:17

YANBU sometimes in situations like this, where there is no real reason you know of for such despicable behaviour, it needs bringing to a head.
you lost your rag, it's not nice being told to go fuck yourself, but maybe it needed saying, right there and then.
Nasty old bitch might just think on her behaviour in future.
And if not, you haven't lost a god damn thing.

TheWalkingDead Mon 15-Oct-12 09:27:43

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. You were stressed and lashed out in the face of your STBMIL's nasty nature rearing it's head. Now I would suggest just getting on with your life and not talking to her again - it will make your life a million times less stressful as now you definitely know that bridges are burnt.

My step-MIL is manipulative and just not a nice person, so I don't speak to her at all. Haven't spoken to her for 5 years, so since before I got married. My DH and DCs see her and FIL every couple of weeks, FIL speaks to me and sees me and MIL is sort of civil to DH, but only as she loves the DCs. I've made it clear that she can come here to see the DCs whenever she wants, but she cuts her nose off to spite her face. Some people you just don't get on with at all and you're in the same place I was 5 years ago and now you know she's willing to go to such lengths to make her dislike for you apparent, you can get on with your life without her.

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 09:39:08

I don't want her in my life and the only reason she is is because of DP. The DCs are fine with or without her as has been proven.

DD2 (just turning 2 in a few weeks) projectile vomited this morning. sad She seems alright in herself but now I know she isn't well she's making me get overprotective.

socharlotte Mon 15-Oct-12 09:46:34

I think YABU
Firstly i wouldn't have gone to the OOD. Sore throat and a temperature is pretty run of the mill and in this house would have been calpol fluids and if necessary doctor in the morning.
Secondly if I was phoning someone in the middle of the night asking for a favour , and they wanted to put a condition on it-fine.I would just be grateful to them rather than telling them to F* themselves.You seem needlessly aggressive OP

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 09:50:28

I had been using Calpol and Ibuprofen for those days she was ill. I called the OOH because I was worried and even if I had waited until yesterday morning I would still be in the same position with no money and only my grandad to help.

Mummiesarescary Mon 15-Oct-12 09:54:09

You did the right thing, and obviously the oohd thought the same or they wouldn't have seen you

Bobyan Mon 15-Oct-12 09:54:31

Your MIL isn't the problem, your DP is. He's allowing their behaviour and making no attempt to stop it. You need to step back from his family and tell him to grow some balls...

singinggirl Mon 15-Oct-12 10:25:50

socharlotte - maybe the OP was basing her response on her knowledge of her DD, all children are different. With DS2 I always got to the doctor if his temperature went over 39 when he was little - at the point it meant he was going to be really ill, and on three of those occasions was admitted to hospital straight away. Waiting beyond that could have had lethal consequences.

I would have been horrified if my MIL (or anyone else) had banned me from going with him - on each occasion he wanted me. DS1 on his one admission to hospital wanted DH however. I would have been equally horrified if anyone had refused to allow that. If a child is ill, their needs and wants come first; not their grandparents'.

dysfunctionalme Mon 15-Oct-12 10:33:07

expat that is so distressing, honestly i cannot understand how people can be so cruel and selfish. i'm so sorry for their awfulness when you most needed them.

dysfunctionalme Mon 15-Oct-12 10:34:33

OP your in laws sound pretty awful. What's with the SIL threatening you? I mean who actually carries on like that apart from people on Jeremy Kyle?

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 10:47:30

It's not violent threats but threats all the same toward my children saying that if I ever spoke to her mother who has never done anything wrong to me like that again she would never want to see us again and how would I feel then? She said that DP needs to give me a good slap for daring to disrespect his family like that and that my children will grow up little chaos in a single parent family if I continue to be so destructive and detrimental to his relationship with them. She made it quite clear that I am a stop gap and they will always be his true family.

I made the point that we were his family too but she has just decided to ignore me. I guess she's said her piece and that's it.

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 10:48:13

*chavs not chaos.

elizaregina Mon 15-Oct-12 10:55:57


Please do not apologise this would only allow her to play the martyr. it must be made very clear to her from your DP that her behaviour was not acceptable.

Dont we all know and realise that when a small child is ill - they can either get better very very quickly OR can get worse in a flash and be danger.

There isnt time to discuss who is going with who and as someone else said - a sick child and mother - belong together. Seconds count, we have all heard of the situations particulary with menigitus where the docs have said " half an hour later and we would have lost her/him, or a leg /or an arm etc.

Its not the time to fuck around with family politics.

I think OP was very " restrained" with her MIL infact.

Op i think you did a " positive" thing, there is only so much abuse someone can take.

You might be lying to us - you might have been horrid to her in the past....or maybe she has just taken agaisnt you - she doesnt have to like you....maybe you have done soemthing to her precious son.

However - whatever you have done - she has shown a true testament of her own character in the middle of a crisis - she was more interested in passengers in the car that her own granddaughter.

how will your DD feel if she hears GM was more concerned about who was in the car than simply getting her to a doctor? What in the worst case scenario it was meningitus, what if that delay had cost her a limb?

" sorry darling, grandma was too busy arguing who was going in the car so the delay cost you your leg?"

51 is also not old.

Infact its still very very young so you cant defend her age.

I am glad your DP is looking long and hard at his mother, maybe the scales need to fall from his eyes.

I think you should be proud of finally snapping and standing up to her and you take the moral high ground, you swore - she put a childs life in danger.

I just cant belive anyone would argue differently, a swear word - and getting a child to the doctors?

expatinscotland Mon 15-Oct-12 10:57:47

Then your DP needs to tell her where to go, ella. Because if my family said that about my husband, and they wouldn't because we have children together, I'd tell them I needed to make the family I created with him no. 1.

With DH, when he went to the IL's city, he just went along with whatever they wanted, didn't tell them, 'Hey, I need to go be with my DD.' Then MIL had the nerve to message me on FB and say DH said I was upset he didn't arrive till 9.30 at hospital as I was fed up of being stuck in there.

That's honesly how she viewed it! As if DD1, ill and, at that point, dying, and her feelings weren't paramount.

And even DH didn't see it because he was so used to their selfishness.

Well, he does now.

Oh, she chewed him out on FB, too, for not sending his dad a birthday card, after our daughter took a serious infection (she died about 6 weeks later) and he was stuck where he was looking after our other two.

For perspective, my father flew out here from the Caribbean because DD1 was in ICU, landed on his birthday after 30 hours of journeying, he's 10 years old than FIL, he went straight to her hospital room. Not a word about his birthday.

I hope your DP is seeing them for how they are, ella, because they sound very selfish.

He may be used to it, though.

expatinscotland Mon 15-Oct-12 10:58:51

And YY, going to OOH was the right thing to do!

She'd been ill for days, you'd done the standard stuff.

With DD1 being in a children's hospital, I met the parents of many children who went downhill fast!

dysfunctionalme Mon 15-Oct-12 11:00:36

ellargh but it is a violent threat because she is urging your DP to hit you. They sound utterly awful. What possible good could her interference do? Are they very low IQ? What on earth could explain such awfulness? Clearly you were stressed and needed support, what reasonable person would not at least offer sympathy if not practical help?

elizaregina Mon 15-Oct-12 11:04:43


I would urge you never to take any child illness for granted, what seems like a normal ear infection or sore throat - could get worse or be something else.

You should treat each time your children get ill as a new thing and not think - oh its just an infection it will be ok.

My neighbours little boy had yet " another" sore ear, he was three and half, it rapdily went down hill, and they go to a and e, he was in a very serious condition his temp was still soaring they struggled to bring it down and he was in hosp for three days - with what they thought was " just another ear infection".

It was that night they decided to have another child infact - becasue they thought they might loose thier son.

life is fragile, when you have experienced loss you realise this - we are all on a whisper and a feather....children can also be incredibly tough and pull through the most horrendous illnesses, but the wrong set of problems and you get caught out.

Op might have been poorley prepared, she should have had taxi money saved up, etc etc.

It doesnt matter.

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 11:06:29

Expat, thank you for your insight.

DP just called his sister and told her as long as she thought those messages were acceptable she is no longer welcome in his family's life. She started to cry and I could see him wavering but instead of giving in he just hung up. He told her if he thought MIL is innocent then she knows nothing of the ongoing situation.

Step one is standing up to his sister. Step two is seeing if he can stand up to MIL. He is so headstrong and does what he wants but when it comes to MIL it's like he's a child not nearing 30!

I don't mean to criticise him but it is the truth.

elizaregina Mon 15-Oct-12 11:08:59


glad to hear he is standing up to them, i only hope he carries it through the whole way, he cant back down now.

things can only get better if he stands up to them, and he should as he and you know.

expatinscotland Mon 15-Oct-12 11:09:55

No, I understand completely, ella! DH was the same way.

MIL has a major martyr complex.

It was all tolerable, until DD1 fell ill and they dropped us in it.

I didn't know full-grown adults behaved like this until I married into a family of them. Their loathing of me just grew and grew, despite everything that I did to try to make them like me. In a situation like you describe, OP my inlaws would have behaved in the same way, or caused a scene or charged us an extortionate amount of money (as my FIL did when he took me to hospital in superquick labour with his first grandchild and wouldn't let me out of the car until I had paid.Then charged DH the same amount when he turned up to join me)

DH and I made the difficult decision to step out of their lives over twenty five years ago and we havent seen them since. I made it clear to DH that he could change his mind at any time and renew his relationship with them, but I considered myself to have no out in laws and the children were not to ever spend time with such damaging people.

I'm sorry that your daughter was so ill and I hope she is on the mend. I just wanted to say that your children won't be damaged by cutting such awful people out of ther lives. Mine have thrived.

EldritchCleavage Mon 15-Oct-12 11:39:57

WHY the old lady might not leap to help the mother of her grandchild

The 'old lady' of 51 was being asked to help her grandchild, who needed medical treatment. Who in their right mind would care which parent was accompanying her, in those circumstances?

The problem with these threads is that I think a lot of people post from a pespective where they can't or won't accept that some people really really do treat others very badly indeed, and not for any good reason; that accordingly, there aren't always two sides to every story and it isn't reasonable to play Miss Marple speculating whether the OP has provoked this bad treatment by being the most awful harridan imaginable.

Of course, we can't know anything for a fact, but some of us at least accept the possibility that this is what is happening because we've seen it in real life. My best friend's in-laws are the most vile people imaginable. I once got her to put the phone down on her husband's grandfather because I could not bear to hear her being abused so badly-just a tirade of shouting going on and on. Her FIL turned up once to berate his son and it completely took my breath away. I had honestly never seen the like. Until then I had genuinely never realised how awful some people can be to their adult children. It's not that I see it everywhere, but I am able to accept it as a possibility.

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 11:43:25

I honestly don't think my children would be worse off. They rarely see PILs now and when they do its not for longer than a few minutes and with no quality time. They don't go over to their house much, never get taken out or babysat by them and receive ten pounds for their birthday or Christmas. This past birthday DD didn't even get a call on her birthday and despite living a 3 minute walk away got her birthday card only when DP went around days later. I had half a mind to post it back through the door with a note saying if a phone call couldn't be in the plan the money is not as important but DP convinced me I would be doing more harm than good.

I don't want any further communication with them but would I be harming my young DC's as DP is obviously conflicted about what's best as he's so used to them and says it's just who they are. Just because it's who they are doesn't mean it's acceptable sad

elizaregina Mon 15-Oct-12 11:44:26

we had to leave our house in a huge hurry a few years ago, it had been declared a health hazzard and we had already been living in it for weeks with my daughter getting sicker with cough, and then diagnosed lung infection.

MIl offered to take DD in her house but not us!

I was grateful at least she would take DD but of course we couldnt put poor DD alone in her house that ill.

elizaregina Mon 15-Oct-12 11:49:16


i know i am being controversial but these people dont like you and saldy never ever will.

you know that now - you can accept that - your DP has let all this fester to this point, its not bad thing when things expolde sometimes, your current situ is unacceptable and remaining silent only lets " others" fill in the gaps.

i dont think you are harming young DC's it sounds like you are better off without them.

your DP if he still wants to see them after this shold lay down some rules, that he never wants to hear of you spoken of - to in a bad way - and if anything reaches his ears there will be trouble, you are going to be his wife you are sorry they dont like you but he feels they never will no matter what you do, they have really shown their colours over a sick child, and they iether respect HIM and you - as the mother of his children adn soon to be wife - or THEY suffer the consequences.

they wont like it - but it will certianly improve thinsg in the long run

elizaregina Mon 15-Oct-12 11:50:21

its totlaly rude to him and his choices and descions as well to be so rude to you - he needs to make his DP see that!!! and HE needs to see that too, you are HIS choice, they need to respect that!

LadyClariceCannockMonty Mon 15-Oct-12 11:51:17

OP, of course YANBU. She was petty and spiteful.

Nonno, you're talking a lot of shite.

I have three children and only the oldest knew my outlaws. I don't believe that my children missed out at all by being kept away from such poisonous characters. In fact, I think their lives can only have been improved by being kept out of the difficult and stressful situations that the outlaws would have put us in.

If you were a stranger with a poorly dog I would have given you more help than your MIL did that night.

As a PS, my MIL once came across my adult daughter in a work situation (DD had no idea who she was) and my spies tell me she was boasting to all and sundry that she was so proud because her grandaughter was 'well posh' . Seeing as the reason she hated me was because 'she's right up herself' it seems quite ironic really...

expatinscotland Mon 15-Oct-12 11:58:23

Oh, yes, I am a snob, apparently.

Kids only saw them every few months and then they'd park up on the couch for a few hours, expecting to be given tea and then leave.

diddl Mon 15-Oct-12 12:22:38

It´s who they are because they are allowed to be like that.

I think growing up we can be blind to parents faults.

But as an adult with children-that´s a different matter imo.

riveroise Mon 15-Oct-12 12:43:26

Ellargh YANBU thanks. Hope your DD is better soon.

Expat, thanks I am very sorry for your loss and the grief from your inlaws. I remember reading the threads about your daughter, hoping against all hope that she would recover. There was something that stuck in my mind, that you had had to spend time preparing food for IL's anniversary or birthday or something, when your DD was so poorly, precious time away from the hospital. Surely not hold a 'celebration' in such circumstances or expect you to cater for it.

It is so shocking how these people have such a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 12:46:17

DP has said he can do no more so I'm done with them as are my children. He can have a relationship with them if he likes but there's going to be no impact on me or our DC's. Fed up of crap.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 13:10:21

Expat. That's all so awful sad

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 13:14:26

Op. My inlaws have done this too. My dh was taken suddenly ill and we needed to get him to the hospital. Despite their track record i thought that they would want to help in this situation but i was wrong. They did help in the end but were clearly very, very pissed off about it. They couldn't have given the message any clearer regarding their feeling towards my dh, whereas with his brother they practically wipe his bum! It was bad enough when it was my dh, i can't imagine if it was one of our children.

Lambzig Mon 15-Oct-12 13:42:44

Expat, I am so sorry - they just sound awful.

OP I think you are better off without them.

DH's parents are really difficult. We are expecting our second DC in Nov. They live two hours away. They have seen DD 2.5 three times in her life and she hasnt got a clue who they are. Every time we have had to force a visit, but they arent really interested - they like bragging about their son and talking about their granddaughter, but not actually seeing her. They have already told us that we will not be able to visit with our new DC as they cant have two children in the house and they will not visit as we live in London. They are not old MIL is 54, FIL 60 and they are well and active, just not interested in their grandchildren. Compared to yours OP, they are charm personified.

My parents who are late 70s and not always in the best of health are insisting on coming down to look after DD while I am in hospital, bending over backwards to help and have already issued an open invitation to us all to come any time over christmas/new year. They are so excited that they will get to see the new gc first (and they already have 6 gchildren so its not the novelty)

Some people just aren't meant to be grandparents.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 14:06:11

How did they manage with their own children if they can't have more than one in the house lambig?!

Lambzig Mon 15-Oct-12 15:41:43

Well they had two and I think they didnt like it much. When we go with DD we arent allowed before 2pm on the Sat and have to leave by 10 on the Sunday. DSIL is not allowed to stay with her two boys at all and definitely not at christmas/easter etc.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 16:06:58

Blimey shock what warm people!

Valdeeves Mon 15-Oct-12 16:15:20

I wouldn't waste time trying to make then like you. It's pointless - just treat then with the most respect you can muster.
I am with English Elponine - your MIL is outrageous.

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 16:55:45

Although it's awful for you all I'm kind of glad that I'm not the only one with out laws smile

EmBOOsa Mon 15-Oct-12 16:59:49

YANBU, but you'll always get people on here being outraged that you dared to swear at someone, no matter how much they deserve it.

CuriousMama Mon 15-Oct-12 17:30:44

How awful I'm so glad you're not having a family wedding with them there.

I'm with others who said they'd take a stranger's dc to OOH or A&E. I can't understand people like her?

JoInScotland Fri 19-Oct-12 01:30:27

Expat and others who are not appreciated by their own families or in-laws. I hear you, I really do. I have no contact with certain members of my family because of these attitutes. But you can be sure that your children know you are a kind, loving influence, and they will know in years to come what you have done for them, that you put them first, and that kindness and people matter - and it will be you who taught them this. Thank you for parenting with a kind, warm heart. It is priceless.

YNK Fri 19-Oct-12 01:50:28

It doesn't matter what your relationship is like with her - she refused her grand daughter a lift when she was ill!
You are in the right to be disappointed on your DD's behalf! Nevermind, it's their loss. Don't grieve over it - just allow the distance to grow at their pace!
They are no loss to you! You will manage without them and their toxic behaviour. Get out now while you can!

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