...to challenge the guy I have been dating for six months

(205 Posts)
Poppysquad Sat 13-Oct-12 23:22:39

I noticed that the third item on the 'History' on his iPad was a married affairs website. He claimed that this was from ages ago before he met me, which I am pretty sure is rubbish. He has put the phone down on me, saying that I was just a jealous woman and was upsetting him. We are both in our fifties!

WorraLiberty Sat 13-Oct-12 23:25:42

What were you doing looking at his history? Did you have some reason to doubt his behaviour?

History doesn't always mean anything to be honest as pop ups and various clicks of links get recorded.

If I looked at my history right now, I probably wouldn't recognise the fact it's all 'mine' IYSWIM.

<< Link clicking addict >>

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sat 13-Oct-12 23:28:13

He has put the phone down on me, saying that I was just a jealous woman and was upsetting him.

hmm Whether or not he is actually hiding anything, that seems a dazzlingly unpleasant and immature reaction. Was your tone particularly aggressive?

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Sat 13-Oct-12 23:28:20

If someone looked at my history they would think I had issues!

Poppysquad Sat 13-Oct-12 23:29:02

I dint check the history. i think ive got the terminology wrong. We were checking something out together using the iPad and when you put something into the 'search' it shows other recent searches and it was there

mutny Sat 13-Oct-12 23:29:59

If you were checking it together how did he put the phone down on you?

Kissitbetter Sat 13-Oct-12 23:30:18

Just looked at my iPad history and it is what I have just viewed - sorry.

WorraLiberty Sat 13-Oct-12 23:30:48

Together? confused

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sat 13-Oct-12 23:31:58

Ah, that may be different. I'm not sure that is recent searches, or not on google anyway. Think it might be popular searches.

So if I type "chicken" into my search bar it comes up with "chicken pox" as about the fifth option, despite the fact that I have not even thought about, much less needed to google, chicken pox since I had it aged 7.

Kissitbetter Sat 13-Oct-12 23:32:56

Missed your last post OP. yes the search is what you have typed in, not links followed. And is recent. Although if you go straight to google and search from there it doesn't show that, so I suppose it's feasible he hasn't used the search function for some time.

Poppysquad Sat 13-Oct-12 23:33:57

I wasn't aggressive but I was assertive. I didn't accept his explanation that this was from ages ago. He originally told me it was from before we were together. I don't think so. He does suffer with stress so it might have been a difficult conversation

missymoomoomee Sat 13-Oct-12 23:34:30

I have to go into my settings and clear that before it stops showing my searches, sometimes I don't do it for months. Sounds like a reasonable explanation to me.

Why were you together when you saw it but then arguing on the phone?

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 13-Oct-12 23:36:17

Poppy - if you are using google it will show a list of the most commonly searched for things beginning with what you are typing in - so he may not have been looking on that site at all.

However his reaction to you is quite telling of his nature and I'd be telling him to take a long walk on a short pier!

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 13-Oct-12 23:37:43

Even if it was before he met you - would you want to be with someone who was looking on a*married affairs* website?? Surely that tells you all you need to know about the man?

Poppysquad Sat 13-Oct-12 23:38:51

Sorry the history of this is not at all clear. We were looking. The iPad together this afternoon. I noticed the website and at the time just left it thinking it doesn't matter, I'll leave it. But when I got home later this evening I thought about it and I was wound up so I phoned him about it

WorraLiberty Sat 13-Oct-12 23:40:21

However his reaction to you is quite telling of his nature and I'd be telling him to take a long walk on a short pier!

Really?

So if you were telling the truth and your boyfriend accused you of being a liar, you would smile sweetly instead of hanging up the phone?

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 13-Oct-12 23:58:40

I'm with WorrLiberty on this.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 14-Oct-12 00:16:44

Yes Worra really I would tell him to take a long walk on a short pier, but the alternative does not need to be 'smiling sweetly', it could be - you know - an adult conversation about it.

He has put the phone down on me, saying that I was just a jealous woman and was upsetting him

^^ that is not an innocent or adult way of dealing with it.

Shakirasma Sun 14-Oct-12 00:20:44

Ok just tested this as I am on my iPad.

I opened a new window, when the search box is blank the history clearly lists my recent searches in the exact order I searched, exactly how I typed them, starting with the most recent.

Looks to me like he was looking recently. Sorry op.

WorraLiberty Sun 14-Oct-12 00:27:22

Well if I were 'challenged' by a boyfriend calling me a liar when I was telling the truth, I'd bloody well hang up too Chipping.

I've got better things to do with my life than defend myself to someone who doesn't want to believe me.

Now clearly no-one here knows whether he's telling the truth or not, but assuming he is then I wouldn't blame him for hanging up.

Remember the OP hasn't even told us how she 'challenged' him and what language she used.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 00:31:27

Thank you for checking Shakirasma. It does seem like I was right then

He has now sent me a longish email saying that he is very upset by this evening and and wants some time to himself. I'm not to try to contact him but he will be back in touch and it sounds like he wants to continue the relationship......

ilovesooty Sun 14-Oct-12 00:34:49

I'd have hung up on the OP too in his position. If she wanted to have an "adult conversation" about it she could have done it while she was still with him.

WorraLiberty Sun 14-Oct-12 00:35:51

I've never used an ipad <technophobe>

But you two really do need to sit down and chat OP

I can appreciate what Shakirasma said about her ipad but perhaps they all have different settings according to the user?

I don't know...as I said I've never used one.

But if I were you, I'd talk it out and then go with your gut feeling.

Good luck thanks

MysteriousHamster Sun 14-Oct-12 00:37:54

But it wasn't bothering her then? Seems like it's reasonable enough to ask about it later.

Hope it is sorted out, OP. I can't remember what my iPad does but his reaction isn't great.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 00:38:59

Oh does he really? After you've had you're allotted no-contact punishment for "upsetting" him by drawing attention to his own internet history, of course. Well, lucky old you. hmm

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 00:39:13

Regarding the challenging: I told him that if he wanted to check out websites like that one then that was absolutely his perogative. I just want him to be honest with me. I only said that it was ballocks when he told me that it was months ago that he had looked at he site

FiercePanda Sun 14-Oct-12 00:39:20

You're not to contact him, but he'll be in touch?

I'd tell him not to bother, and go back to his grubby, recently searched for affairs websites. Sorry OP, he's being a shit to you. angry

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 00:47:58

thanks all. I have my own issues. Not challenging things straight away. This stems from a sham of a marriage where I dared not challenge my ex husband incase he'd leave me and my son. He left anyway after 23 years and we're now divorced. I'm really trying to balance out what is reasonable and what is not.

koolmumlookin4fun Sun 14-Oct-12 00:48:04

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FiercePanda Sun 14-Oct-12 00:50:22

You're not clingy at all, OP.

If you're in a relationship with someone and see they've been searching for something like married affairs dating, AdultWork, no-strings hook ups etc of course you challenge them.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

SoleSource Sun 14-Oct-12 00:55:31

My guess is he doesn't want to continue the relationship. He told you not to try and get intouch. Controllibg. You have issues you need to sort out and maybe being a si.gle petson for a while is better. Try a therapist, mybe. I did and it is worth it. Months ago he tried tnat ki.d of site, maybe he was just curios and didn't use it.

koolmumlookin4fun Sun 14-Oct-12 00:58:27

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Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 01:01:04

Hi SoleSource. The tone of his email suggests that he does want to see me. He says he is really upset by this.....but I had to challenge what I saw.

SoleSource Sun 14-Oct-12 01:04:49

Ok. Maybe just do as he says. Let him come to you Poppy. Don't put your life on hold. Go to the theatre for exampke smile Take him at his word. What else can you do?

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 01:04:54

Unfortunately at 51 bing preggers is unlikely grin

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 01:09:01

Thanks SoleSource. You're right. I can't do anything. A busy day tomorrow, thankfully. So little time to brood on things too much. I do need to make sure I don't put things on hold though, while he doesn't want me to call, Skype, email text, write or visit!

brdgrl Sun 14-Oct-12 01:09:40

poppy, I think he was looking at that site recently. As the other Ipad users have said.

And as someone else said - even if it were ages ago - are you really ok with that?

And his behaviour now sounds awful. You seem relieved that he wants to continue the relationship - why? He sounds dreadful. Sorry.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 01:09:43

Yes, you did have to challenge it.

I'd take him precisely at his word, to be honest. Don't contact him. And then if/when he makes contact again, assess how he goes about it. Does he say "I've thought about it, and I see how seeing a thing like that would upset you, but it's not what you think and I can explain why that search term would have come up"? Or does he just say nothing at all and expect to pick up where you left off? That would suggest this little period of silent treatment is a punishment for you daring to question something that looks a bit dodgy. In which case, LTB.

To be quite honest I'd be running a mile from someone who used or was considering using married affairs websites anyway, but each to their own.

Jellykat Sun 14-Oct-12 01:10:25

Well if theres nothing going on with this site and its old history then surely he'd have a reasonable conversation about it, and that would be that, sorted. Why is he too upset to talk? You questioned him, he answered.. you didn't kill his bunny!

The you're not to get in touch business is another matter.. you're supposed to wait by the phone until he deems to contact you?.. Sounds like a punishment for questioning him, tell him where to go!

Jellykat Sun 14-Oct-12 01:12:37

(oops slight X post there MadBusLady)

Aspiemum2 Sun 14-Oct-12 01:16:25

Agree with pp, he's a grown man acting like a petulant child. This is a sign of what will happen in the future. Do you really want to be with someone who goes off in a huff rather than discuss things properly?
Ds1 flounces off to his room when he's not happy, he's 11.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 01:16:29

Not sure I am relieved, just surprised at his reaction I think. If that's the way he reacts when challenged, it's not a good sign. And maybe he wants time to meet some of his other women unfettered by me!

And good advice Mad Bus Lady. I'll see what happens when he does get in touch

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 01:17:19

It's still crap that he wrote that email at all, really. Turning your not unreasonable suspicion into him being "upset", laying down rules about contact. Definitely smacks of control. Could you have jumped out of the frying pan into the shit with this one?

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 14-Oct-12 01:17:50

He's acting like a child or a controlling man - neither are attractive in a partner. I think that you deserve much better than this guy, but your ex husband has done such a number on you that you expect this kind of treatment sad

I wish you could see this from the outside. He's not worth your heartache my love, he's really not.

koolmumlookin4fun Sun 14-Oct-12 01:18:20

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Bogeyface Sun 14-Oct-12 01:24:00

He is punishing you for the fact that you know that he is lying.

His "wanting space" is actually a ploy for you to spend X amount of time getting more and more worked up so that when he does deign to get in touch you will be so pathetically grateful that you wont ever question him again.

Text him and say "I agree that you need space. I am giving you the rest of your life."

Astelia Sun 14-Oct-12 01:24:45

Curiously looking at these websites isn't really the big deal, though I don't think it is very nice, however his sulking and refusal to discuss it do make him sound immature and lacking in EQ.

I like Mad Bus Lady's advise too- see what he says as and when he gets in touch. In the meantime get on with life.

We can't know when he visited the site - but he has confirmed that he has visited the site ( "He claimed that this was from ages ago" ) at some point. A site facilitating affairs for married people <boak>. Now, since he is presumably single, that suggests he was looking for a married woman to have an affair with. So not really looking for long-term commitment is he?

As others have said, the whole "don't contact me" smacks more of punishing you than of him being hurt by your finding him out probing.

Astelia Sun 14-Oct-12 01:25:40

PS my history would make anyone else think I'm deranged. Off to clear it now.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 01:27:37

Bogey face grin you re wicked. But I do like it! The same thing occurred to me. I seemed like a way to stop me challenging him again

Bogeyface Sun 14-Oct-12 01:29:36

You know what Poppy? If you text him that, I guarantee that he will be at your door with flowers within a week. And if he does, I hope you take the flowers, smile, and then slam the door in his face and grab the ice cream!

CuriousMama Sun 14-Oct-12 01:31:09

Yes I'm with Bogey face, he's be binned if it were me.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 01:35:31

It is so comforting to know you're there!! Early start tomorrow - rugby duties with DS. Strange thing is I'm not too upset about this. No tears......yet

Bogeyface Sun 14-Oct-12 01:40:30

He ain't worth tears, he ain't worth anything!

I have Rugby duties too, DD just made it to County, which I am thrilled about but on the other hand.....it does rather curtail my Saturday night wine-fest grin

CuriousMama Sun 14-Oct-12 01:42:18

Good he doesn't deserve your tears.

Bogeyface Sun 14-Oct-12 01:42:27

And you know why you have no tears? Because deep down you know that you are not losing anything, you only posted here to check, didn't you? wink

SomersetONeil Sun 14-Oct-12 01:55:57

Oh my goodness, this would be like red flag to a bull for me.

He would not be seeing me for dust after those sorts of antics. Not only would I not be contacting him as requested, but I most certainly frigging well would not be deigning to hang around until such time as I'm forgiven for expressing dissatisfaction over him visiting a married affair website. shock

Sorry, but... what a little shit. Even if this was all entirely innocent - and of course it could still well be - his subsequent behaviour is quite unbelievable (unbelievable enough for me to be 99.9% sure he did visit the site, for the record). Just as much of a deal-breaker for me, personally.

musicalendorphins Sun 14-Oct-12 04:55:32

I don't like how he reacted. You are too mature for games, a man who is checking out married affairs type sites isn't totally committed to you. Unless you have a relationship with both of you still free to date other people?
And maybe, just because I am nosy, I would join that married affairs site, use a fake name and photo, and look him up and contact him.
Probably a really self defeating plan, but I know me and I'd do it.
Space sounds like a good idea for both of you to evaluate what you want, and if you want it from each other.
I'm an old geezer like you btw.

SaraBellumHertz Sun 14-Oct-12 05:42:06

He is behaving like a child and as bogey says absolutely punnishing you for being right.

Leave him to it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 14-Oct-12 09:02:24

So... for all the ladies here who've been 'researching' the site themselves for the OP... will your partners believe your protestations of innocence should your browsing histories be discovered?

I think some people go waaaaay into overreacting orbit when they're dispensing advice. grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 14-Oct-12 09:04:09

But OP, I agree with the posters who've said don't contact him at all - get on with your own life and keep him at arms' length, if at all. Definitely NO contact - but on your terms, not his.

eurowitch Sun 14-Oct-12 09:18:46

I'm laughing - not at you OP but at the person who is in the wrong here getting all high and mighty and sending you to Coventry. He's just trying to deflect his own wrongness by making you think you are somehow at fault. Laugh at him and bin him. He's an idiot.

McKayz Sun 14-Oct-12 09:24:47

I'd say he's lying unless he never uses his iPad. If I go into the search box on my iPhone and iPad then it brings up the most recent things I've searched for.

HissyByName Sun 14-Oct-12 09:43:26

Bogey has this absolutely right.

This guy is lying.

Rather than protest his innocence as anyone would in the case of a misunderstanding, he insulted you, hung up on you then emailed you telling you that YOU have no right to contact him but that you are to wait for him to contact YOU.

Fuck that!

He's playing to your old weakspots wrt the ExH. You learn from everyone in your life, this bloke is where you learn that nobody tells you when and how to contact, where you have control in your life, and where mutual respect means that your feelings are counted.

It also means that you don't tolerate those scumbags that think Married Affairs sites are in any way acceptable.

He's not good enough for you. Please send Bogey's text... BIN him.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 14-Oct-12 14:15:02

Who the hell does this prick think he is ?

Bin, you can do better than this.

I wouldn't wait until he contacted me, as per his instructions, I would send him the dear John text today and get a clean finish, tbh

He wants to fuck you up. Don't let him.

HecateLarpo Sun 14-Oct-12 14:22:44

Well, clearly he's been looking.

He now says - basically - that you are to leave him alone and he will contact you when he is ready to forgive you and allow you the honour of continuing in a relationship with him.

Are you planning on staying by the phone, anxiously awaiting this joyous occasion or are you going to take control and decide whether you even want him back?

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 14-Oct-12 14:41:39

If there is no trust there is no reelationship.

Whoknowswhocares Sun 14-Oct-12 16:25:45

His overreaction means only one thing IMO...... Guilt!

Plus he is trying to turn it round that YOU have hurt him and he is the wronged party. he is playing mind games to try to muddy the waters.

He is NOT worthy of your time. Get rid

StuntGirl Sun 14-Oct-12 16:33:00

Was it the address bar...i.e. the third website down when he went to type a URL in was www.marriedaffairs.com or was it the third search term in the Google (or whatever) search box? Either way it suggests something he has been on recently, unless he uses his iPad rarely.

As others have said, my search history probably looks mental, but they're all things I've been on/clicked on recently.

I would very much let this fish back into the sea, he didn't sound like much of a catch in your first post and his subsequent messages to you make him sound even worse. You can do better lovely lady, I promise.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 17:28:51

I am leaving him to fester. I've obviously not tried to contact him. I am wondering why I don't have the balls just to tell him to get lost as so many of you recommend. Is my self esteem that knocked about? I feel like I am doubting myself.

GhostofMammaTJ Sun 14-Oct-12 17:36:23

I agree with Bogeyface, give him space, the rest of his life!

EdithWeston Sun 14-Oct-12 17:49:04

Well, how long things hang around on the search bit of an iPad display (if you mean the bit at the top right when you open a new window) does depend on whether that is the search you habitually use. I have things there from months ago, because I routinely use a different way ie a search engine via bookmarks instead (as that way I get predicitive, which is helpful).

So he might actually be telling the truth.

But that's not necessarily the key point. You don't believe his explanation (which cannot be proved one way or another). This says to me that there really isn't a future in this for you, as I doubt that trust will come.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 14-Oct-12 17:49:49

Why? Do you think you deserve to be dicked around and "ordered" not to make contact like this ?

Be a devil....disobey him and make the kind of contact he certainly won't be expecting....

lovebunny Sun 14-Oct-12 17:55:17

just change your number. you don't have to tell him anything. change your email address. don't answer if he turns up at the door. you know you don't want him. don't give him the chance to get round you in a few weeks when you've forgotten how you felt and he wants some free sex.

whatthewhatthebleep Sun 14-Oct-12 18:03:14

I wouldn't be waiting for permission to talk!!
immature silly man...leave him to his...whatever....

get off his rollercoaster and find a pleasant path to wander...you will be too busy when he calls next having found much better/nicer things to do with your time anyway

HissyByName Sun 14-Oct-12 18:03:48

Edith, I'd say that his reaction AFTER the fact is actually the reason why Poppy needs to kick this BallAche into the long grass. The email is just the cherry on top. He reacted as guilty, not incredulous, not trying to prove himself, but with anger, aggression then punishment. A relationship like this, only 6m in? NO. That's ASKING for an escalation of what may very well ramp up to be abuse.

Poppy yes, you are putting up with treatment that is beneath you, you don't need to.

Please don't return any of his calls, in fact if you do change your number it'd be the perfect retort to his pathetic attempts to blame shift and manipulate YOU.

Anyone who would ferret around in married NSA sites is not someone to go out with. (with apologies to ferrets)

Take back your life and don't let him do this to you.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 18:09:53

The unhappiness is growing. I am feeling quite miserable and low.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 14-Oct-12 18:13:34

You can make yourself feel better by taking the control here. It will do wonders for your self esteem, believe me

EdithWeston Sun 14-Oct-12 18:18:21

HissyByName I completely agree.

Poppysquad yes, it's a horrid situation, and discovering that someone close to you is not what they seem is a painful awakening. It is something that you just have to live through; choosing either to submit to him or, as HHMF says, rebuilding yourself and coming out stronger.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 18:33:50

It's just that this is the first relationship after the breakdown of my marriage. I no longer know what is ok and what isn't relationship wise. So much is tainted by my past experiences

whatthewhatthebleep Sun 14-Oct-12 18:38:38

Of course you will be feeling low...it's horrible for you...but the last person to even contemplate sharing this with would be him...please dont be tempted to try and gain any understanding from him

He isn't apologetic, isn't allowing you any room to discuss anything, has been clear about stopping any contact from you....stay well away from him because it really won't help you feel any better and this may not even be the only thing he has been doing....don't tie yourself in knots over this....and don't lower yourself to responding either...it's just so not worth it, really

it's also a rather dull sunday night...a crap day to feel crap on....imo

sending you a hug and strength to help you pull through and move on xx

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 18:48:57

What do you feel like doing about it?

I suspect you'll immediately start to answer that question in terms of what he may do/feel. Because of your relationship history you probably have trouble believing that you can have any effect on the world, or that any desires/emotions of yours can lead to legitimate action.

But, if this isn't too woo, try to tell that whole side of your thoughts to shut up for a minute, and articulate what your own inner voice says it wants to do. Your inner voice, by the way, is allowed to be stroppy, unreasonable, demanding and pissed off! Or, to go the other way, it's allowed to be uncertain and in need of a think.

As for what's ok, I think we're mostly agreed this is pretty shit behaviour on his part, regardless of the truth about the website. As a general rule if you feel miserable (and provided you're not a spoilt brat, which you don't sound like you are!), that's not ok. It's certainly not ok six months in. Nice men - nice people - do not willingly treat others in a way that might reasonably be expected to make them miserable.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 18:57:04

I know he has had issues dealing with stress in the past. He has justified his retreating by saying he needs to look after himself at the moment. He is so upset. He hopes that we can resurrect our relationship but says he understands if I want to pull away.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 19:01:16

Ok.

But what do you want to do? wink

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 14-Oct-12 19:01:25

This is what I posted previously...

He's acting like a child or a controlling man - neither are attractive in a partner. I think that you deserve much better than this guy, but your ex husband has done such a number on you that you expect this kind of treatment. I wish you could see this from the outside. He's not worth your heartache my love, he's really not

Have a think about it. Almost all of us have said the same thing... I know it's hard, I know it's crap - but you don't want to end up in another rubbish relationship do you?! It's hard to meet someone when you're no longer 18 and in a good social circle of single people, but it's possible, and you certainly don't have to 'settle' for some GIT just because you've hit 50!

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 14-Oct-12 19:03:14

Honest to god, he's being a drama lama. He could have had an adult discussion about it, instead he's guilting you into thinking you have caused this - you haven't. He's either and emotionally stunted twat or a controlling git - either way - my advice would be PULL AWAY for good!

whatthewhatthebleep Sun 14-Oct-12 19:04:48

he's admitting to having issues and obviously in turn these issues are creating some other area's of concern or maybe out of character behaviour....

what you need to think about is not becoming his ever understanding agony aunt who will just put up with things being this difficult.
I think maybe you need your own space and time too and maybe if in a few months time you could plan to meet up...maybe things will be in a better place for you both.
You could set a place and time in say, 3mths time...whether either of you actually turn up will depend on where you both are by then. If it's worth it then it will work out...if not...then it's best to leave it alone.
Just plan the meeting up bit...even just to share where you both are at by then...you might surprise yourself and be feeling much more confident and happier by then...see him as a friend maybe

Kleptronic Sun 14-Oct-12 19:08:36

He's upset? About what?

He has at some point looked up marital affair websites.

When asked about it he saw his arse, and demanded no contact from you until a time of his choosing.

Now he is upset? He has issues dealing with stress? This is not stress, this was a resolvable issue from the start, but he chose to throw his dummy out of the pram.

Sheesh. You deserve better than that.

Bogeyface Sun 14-Oct-12 19:10:17

Forget him. what do you want?

Imo, what you need is to take a break from men altogether and in the meantime maybe get some counselling to work on your self esteem, so that you dont give tossers like the the time of day in future.

youarewinning Sun 14-Oct-12 19:15:09

It may be from months ago or after he last cleared search history. What pops up are the recents searches with the same letters iyswim? If I type an m mine automatically comes up with mumsnet and recently even though I had a 6 month break!

He hasn't denied anything which is interesting. Although his reaction to you questioning it seems a tad defensive.

Hope you sorts this out one whatnot another thanks

youarewinning Sun 14-Oct-12 19:16:12

Sorry missed there was a page 2 and the thread has moved on!

ClippedPhoenix Sun 14-Oct-12 19:17:36

Well, all I can say is good for you. You sussed him out. It always hurts to find out they aren't all they should be but onwards and upwards OP. It's a knock. Whether we have all the self esteem in the world or not it still frigging hurts. We could work on our "self esteem" till kingdom comes and find ourselves in your position.

He's the arse OP.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 19:27:49

sad. Wish I felt better. I sought counselling when my exH left. I wonder if would help now.....

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 19:39:21

I am so pathetic. This is hurting.

Nanny0gg Sun 14-Oct-12 19:40:13

"He has now sent me a longish email saying that he is very upset by this evening and and wants some time to himself. I'm not to try to contact him but he will be back in touch and it sounds like he wants to continue the relationship...... "
I'd be responding that I would certainly acede to his wishes, but there would be no guarantee that I'd still be hanging around when he wanted company again...

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 14-Oct-12 19:40:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousMama Sun 14-Oct-12 19:42:15

You really shouldn't be having these sort of problems in the first flush of a romance. He's not committed to you by the sounds of it?

He could string you along. I've experienced this with someone. He had me going nuts until I couldn't take anymore. He was also in his 50s.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 19:42:17

You are NOT pathetic. You hurt because you've been hurt by a dickhead! This is not a moral failing in you.

The thing to do with it is to get angry that it happened, and try to avoid it in future.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 14-Oct-12 19:43:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousMama Sun 14-Oct-12 19:46:03

You're not pathetic you're just raw. You've wanted something that he can't give. Like others have said,do you really want someone who is interested in these sort of sites?

It will hurt. You will keep checking your phone, emails. He sounds like he's emotionally stunted to me? Needs to grow up. You could do so much better. Don't let any ex relationships hinder this. I've had some crap relationships but ended up with a good one. I don't blame myself though it was their problem. If ever I've been in the wrong I admit it but tbh the men have usually been the cause of the break up. Ego, selfish, weird, pervy...etc.

Lavenderhoney Sun 14-Oct-12 19:47:30

The only thing that sticks for me is the " needing time" and imposed silence. Fine! Get out there, go to everything even walking tours locally whatever- and if you meet someone else great. His loss. Seriously, you are on a break??? Will he be sitting in, stressing?

Sounds to me like you were a bit ?with him, so perhaps its a lucky escape.

Lavenderhoney Sun 14-Oct-12 19:49:34

Gosh I was a bit hard there. You are not pathetic at all. Just interested in your own well being.

brdgrl Sun 14-Oct-12 20:00:44

Wish I felt better. I sought counselling when my exH left. I wonder if would help now.....

Poppy, in my own experience (terrible soul-crushing breakup, followed by counselling followed by attempts at dating before meeting my now-DH), the pain left from the BIG breakup doesn't go away completely. With time and counselling and all the rest, the pain matters less and less, and stops being in the forefront of your life everyday. But when something (or someone) knocks you back again, it brings up all the horrible feelings. So you are going to feel rotten now, not because this new guy is worth it, or even necessarily because you really even like hm that much, deep down...but because he's reminding you of someone else who made you feel pathetic and unworthy. Which you aren't.

A1980 Sun 14-Oct-12 20:50:34

I would check that you and he are on the same page re what you're doing. you say you've been dating for 6 months. is that it? Just dating? Or are you in an exclusive relationship?

Have you had a discussion about commitment?

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 20:59:27

We had a discussion about just that subject yesterday when we were walking together on the beach. Romantic? He says that he is a one woman man. He is committed to me.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 21:03:58

I'll re-phrase that. He says he is committed to me. I asked him what that meant. He says that he isn't seeing anyone else. Not seeking anyone else. Then I saw the website...

"He says that he is a one woman man." That doesn't gel very well with seeking a married woman for an affair now, does it? Do people who offer fidelity seek those out who do not? hmm

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 21:21:56

That's why he thinks its me over reacting. Despite the fact that he says that there's only me, I still questioned things when I saw the website and its this that's bugging him.
He sees it as my problem. It's me that has the issue because I am insecure

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 21:23:19

He sees it as my problem. It's me that has the issue because I am insecure

Well, at the risk of defaulting to the therapist's favourite, how does that make you feel?

Felicitywascold Sun 14-Oct-12 21:23:55

'He says that he is a one woman man'

Eugh. My DH has never said that... Because there would be no point, he just is, it's just true. The need to make statements like that in the first place is a big red flag to me.

Helltotheno Sun 14-Oct-12 21:37:28

Just ditch him OP. He sounds like a PITA.. oh poor him with all his stress problems hmm. Tell him to take a hike. Get out there and join some clubs, you don't need this arse in your life.

ClippedPhoenix Sun 14-Oct-12 21:41:10

Tell him to piss off OP. It's all about him huh. No you don't need more coucilling really you just need to tell him to fuck off grin

EugenesAxe Sun 14-Oct-12 21:50:57

I lied on a couple of occasions to partners in previous relationships, when they accused me of fancying someone else (and I did). I always responded with fairly intense hurt indignation in these situations. The more truth in the accusation, the more anger I would express.

I think it's a good way to deflect the other person's attention away from the issue/ halt any further scrutiny or analysis.

Bogeyface Sun 14-Oct-12 21:56:49

So he is using your past, the problems with your ex etc, as a weapon against you when you question him?

Nice, really nice hmm

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 14-Oct-12 22:13:39

It's not a good way, Eugene, it is usually highly transparent

"He sees it as my problem. It's me that has the issue because I am insecure"
Well that's what he says, and I give it as much credence as his saying that he is a one woman man. You do not have an issue because you are insecure - you have an issue because his behaviour and reactions smell suspicious.

If he were above-board, I would have expected his reaction to your asking about his search history to be a shame-faced ah-well-it-seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time. Not the full-on faux outrage he has plumped for.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 14-Oct-12 22:36:36

Oh it just gets better.

What are you waiting for?? Send him a text, offering him all the space in the world!

You are worth 100 of this twat.

HissyByName Sun 14-Oct-12 23:13:11

This is your first post divorce relationship? And he's pulling on the same manipulation techniques as your ex?

You are about to repeat the pain of your marriage.

Now this explains a lot. This is where you get to exorcise the demons of the past, you get to stand up and say NO!, i'm not going to quake at the idea of someone making threats to leave....

You get to say, 'You wanna go? GO! Nobody wants to be withsomeone who's not interested.

If you cling and quake, they'll keep doing it.

It'll be just like your marriage, and you're not going to want that.

This seems to be similar to those of us in abusive relationships, unless we heal ourselves, work hard to learn our strengths, our weaknesses, and how to spot those that would exploit them.

End it with this idiot, keep posting, take stock and it will be ok.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 23:35:58

Still thinking on things. Rereading his email. You're so right, I dont want a repeat of my marriage. I want to be with some one who wants to be with me. And i am not sure that he does. I am gaining confidence from your posts, just not here quite yet

CuriousMama Sun 14-Oct-12 23:51:26

I have a gift for you here's a bit more to add to your growing pile.

I hope you can be strong it is difficult I know x

Aspiemum2 Mon 15-Oct-12 00:04:07

You really don't Poppy, it's so hard to avoid the relationship pitfall. I was in an abusive relationship and after I left I had counselling which helped me identify the type of man I was attracted to.

I was subconsciously excluding those who were "together" and happy in life. My self hatred meant I felt worthless so I was attracted to men who seemed to need fixing. I felt that being me wasn't enough, I had to be able to contribute something more as I wasn't good enough in myself.

This meant I was attracted to the eternal victim types, or narcissists basically.

It's hard to break the pattern but you can be strong and do this. You do deserve better.

I see this as the beginning of EA, he is teaching you that if you question him he will withdraw his affection and communication with you. This 'punishment' will teach you the error of your ways so that you don't dare question him again.

It has all the hallmarks of a damaging relationship and really, after all you've been through, you don't need to be putting up with this.

Walk away now, yes it may be hard but it will only get harder the longer you are with him.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Mon 15-Oct-12 00:15:09

What's interesting, Poppy, is I don't get the impression you were massively into him before this anyway. I'm sure it was all going fine, but you didn't come on here wailing that he's the love of your life and it's all gone wrong, did you.

He's just managed to get you focusing on analysing him rather than working out what you want, and I think that's a big part of why you now feel rubbish. Trying to second-guess the emotions of people who are behaving unpleasantly towards you is like voluntarily beating yourself over the head! If you look at this thread, a couple of times I have asked you how you feel, and what you want to do next... and you've answered by saying something about his feelings and intentions.

Stop caring about what he thinks of you. Care instead about what you think of him.

EugenesAxe Mon 15-Oct-12 04:24:51

HappyHalloween - yes you are right, if you are strong/ don't really care, or if it's done in a hammy way.

It worked for me though and if the person asking the question is vulnerable, ie. wanting the answer to allay their fears, then a quick & strong tantrum/ guilt trip can cause them to panic and put the control back with the guilty party.

Anyway let's not argue as it's not going to help Poppy. OP I didn't really say but I'm sorry you are upset. The most important thing is to work out what you want; is this man worth all the angst? I think someone who genuinely didn't want to lose you and moreover, respected and understood how you might need support following the breakdown of you marriage, would not have responded this way.

Poppysquad Mon 15-Oct-12 06:59:41

Thank you! And thanks or the card CuriousMama.

You're right. I am not into him in a big way. There were things about him that were strange. The biggest thing was not letting me into his life. Not sharing. He seemed to compartmentalise things. And there were chunks of his time that he wasn't available even though he is retired.

The one thing that this is doing is helping me realise how important openness and honesty is to me. And I am not sure he has either quality. See, I am getting there.

Poppysquad Mon 15-Oct-12 07:15:04

Aspiemum2 I mean to ask. You mentioned EA. I am not sure what this is

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 15-Oct-12 07:20:30

You are so much better off without this arse... If I were you I wouldn't respond ever again to him when he gets in touch - does he really expect you to come running, the cheeky git!

Go out and have fun lady and leave him to his websites. X

trockodile Mon 15-Oct-12 07:20:57

If i have cleared your history, then my iPad will bring up the sites I have bookmarked-which I may not have looked at for ages.
Not sure it would be any better if it's bookmarked but sometimes you do it by accident. Not saying this is the case but it could be possible?

trockodile Mon 15-Oct-12 07:23:55

Not saying that this is the scenario btw, and from the other red flags I would be wary. Just pointing out not to go purely on the history thing.

HissyByName Mon 15-Oct-12 07:44:16

She means Emotional Abuse, and i whole heartedly agree with her, this email of his is a classic sign.

Poppysquad Mon 15-Oct-12 08:29:47

Not a good morning. A huge fall out with DS who couldn't find is homework, got very stressed and then took it out on me. I don't see him now until Wednesday as he stays with his dad the next two days. Really teary now and I have to get on with some work from home this morning.

Feeling crap. It's like I can't even keep down a relationship with this guy.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Mon 15-Oct-12 08:43:27

It's like I can't even keep down a relationship with this guy.

But you're not the one who messed it all up by sending the weird, controlling email! None of this is your fault. You questioned him, he clearly doesn't like being questioned and he reacted like a dickhead. So your only realistic way of "keeping down a relationship" with him would have been to not challenge him, ever. And you know you don't want another relationship like that.

Besides which you weren't even 100% sure about him in the first place, for what sound like very good reasons!

Sorry you're having a crap morning, though. Eulch, Mondays.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Mon 15-Oct-12 08:51:26

(Saying that, it's obviously fine to have a bit of a blub and you should expect it! These things are always a bit traumatic, whether or not they're really such a disaster as all that.)

Poppysquad Mon 15-Oct-12 08:53:57

Thank you MadBusLady. I am finding the support I am getting so helpful. I will find the strength I need not be a victim again. I will....This is not what I want or where I want to be. I just want a normal (if there is such a thing!) relationship with some one who wants to be with me.

I MUST do some work. Focus

CuriousMama Mon 15-Oct-12 09:13:15

Sorry about your morning. How old is DS? I know what it's like when they go out of the door angry, I have 2 dss of 12 and 15 and hate it when we have a bad morning. DS2 almost forgot his homework this morning and he'd spent ages doing it last night.

Can you ring ds later? Mine go to their dad's on a weekend and I tend to ring, ds1 chats but ds2 isn't keen on the phone. I get on ok with exdh though so it's easier.

Can you do something to treat yourself today or tonight? Even if it's a long hot candle lit bath, or buying your favourite magazine?

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead Mon 15-Oct-12 09:15:09

Blocks of his time are off limits and hes been searching for affairs websites... Are you sure he isnt already married?!

OldBagWantsNewBag Mon 15-Oct-12 09:15:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 15-Oct-12 09:36:59

He's making you feel like YOU aren't loveable/wonderful/special/whatever enough to be with HIM - when in fact, if only you could see it from the outside, it's HIM that's the one who isn't 'worthy'. It has nothing/nada/zero/zilch to do with YOU holding down a relationship with this twat. You could if you wanted to, by playing the poor little victim & going along with his stupid 'punishment' & begging his return when he does contact you - and he will. But why the hell would you want to be in a relationship with this bully, this horrible man acting like he's god and you're dog muck... he's not worth your tears. His 'poor me' is a controlling technique and he's using everything he knows about your past to make that more effective. Why the hell would you even want to talk to someone who would do that to you?

It's bloody hard after being in a LTR (long term relationship)(ie your marriage) is 'starting again', you have to kiss a few toads before you find one worth keeping!!

Keep posting, keep reading and find the strength to see him for what he is - NOT worth your time or tears. I know it's hard when you hoped you'd found someone to share your life with, it's hard being on your own when you've come out of such a long relationship... but you will be fine.

alienreflux Mon 15-Oct-12 09:37:43

Emotional Abuse

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Mon 15-Oct-12 09:49:50

One other thing. Your instincts are actually working pretty well for someone who's come out of a long, destructive marriage. You knew something wasn't quite right with what this guy has done, that's why you posted here. You just needed a sanity check on it.

Just dropping that in in case you are even now beating yourself up for not backing off sooner!

Poppysquad Mon 15-Oct-12 18:24:49

I am now in receipt of a 'Dear John' or is it Jane? email. he's had time to think and my insecurities (as in me believing he is in touch with other women) are always going to irk him so he doesn't want this long term and would rather be single. He doesn't even want us to be friends.

Is this true?

Bogeyface Mon 15-Oct-12 18:25:51

Is what true? That he doesnt want to be with you?

Yes.

Is it true that its your fault?

No.

He is an asshole and you have dodged a bullet. The only thing to be regretful of is that you didnt get in there first!

piratecat Mon 15-Oct-12 18:35:35

well let him blame you.

anyway you're just not that into him really. get someone nicer. you deserve it xxx

lovebunny Mon 15-Oct-12 18:47:01

'hi. brilliant. saves me the trouble of ditching you - didn't know how to word it. have a nice life.'

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Mon 15-Oct-12 18:51:06

Well, it's all incredibly dramatic, isn't it. Have you badgered him with suspicions about other women on every date? Has he caught you going through his phone or email? Do you throw a strop whenever he speaks to another woman in your presence? No? In that case the great whirlwind of phone slamming, flouncing, silent treatment, dramatic emails and digs about your past is totally disproportionate, isn't it.

Whether it's just general arsiness or whether he's indignant that his deception has been uncovered, I think you're well rid.

piratecat Mon 15-Oct-12 19:02:00

you got it madbuslady. well said.

FellatioNelson Mon 15-Oct-12 19:02:28

I have only read the first few posts but this is my immediate response:

(it's boring, but it might be relevant)

Once, about a year ago, I met a new friend who added me as a friend to fb. She kept mentioning another friend who lived near me and as I live in a very tight-knit expat community I was curious to see if I knew this woman. So I clicked on her profile via my friend's fb page, to get a close up look at her photo. Nope, never seen her before, and have never met her, have never looked at her profile since.

The weird thing is though, that her name and a link to her fb page keeps popping up right up there ^ next to my search bar, in my history, STILL almost a year later, along with MN which seems to live omnipresently in my computer . I clear my history regularly, and I regularly use several sites other than MN, and I regularly spy on at several fb pages who are not in my frineds group, but for some bizarre reason that I do not understand, only MN and this woman who I do not know and have no further interest in, are the only regular, long-term popper-uppers, and I don't know why, or how to get rid of her.

He may be telling the truth.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 19:12:45

FN,, it's kinda academic really

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 19:21:16

FN,, it's kinda academic really

SoleSource Mon 15-Oct-12 19:21:32

What is true Poppy is what you suspected of him. He has been found out. Knows he is a lilly livered coward, so he has sent you an email ending things rather than have a face- to-face chat. He knows you are SMART.

SomersetONeil Mon 15-Oct-12 19:38:00

FN - it doesn't really matter, suggest carrying on with the rest of the thread to get the full story. smile

Lueji Mon 15-Oct-12 21:17:36

My guess is that your lack of response to his previous time out made him think that he didn't punish you enough.
He thus took it to the next level and now expects you to beg him to reconsider.

He hasn't really dumped you.

Just tell him he's right and that you'd never be able to trust him.
Goodbye.

I could bet that the dumping email won't be the last, but you never know.

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 15-Oct-12 21:43:16

Why waste your breath with a response?! Don't do it! That will piss him off far more!

Helltotheno Mon 15-Oct-12 21:58:22

OP whatever you do, don't cave and go crawling back to this bellend begging for forgiveness...

.. c'mon now, deep breaths... repeat fifty times: 'I will not waste any more of my life on twunts'.... You can do it...

OldBagWantsNewBag Mon 15-Oct-12 22:33:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousMama Mon 15-Oct-12 23:28:04

Op you probably will reply to him in the hope he'll change his mind? I hope not but it tends to happen. Please try not to live like this though as you'll always be wondering when he'll dump you again if you do get back with him? It's a bit like an addiction, we know it's bad for us but can't stop. But if you can abstain for a week or two you may just find something that helps you with your withdrawal wink

Poppysquad Mon 15-Oct-12 23:37:32

Thanks for all your supportive posts.

I don't intend to contact him at all. His note is pretty firm. He wishes me all the best. He wants a clean break. He doesn't want to be friends.

Shit. I have read his email again and feel terrible. He's saying its my insecurities. Me seeking reassurances that has driven him away. After I challenged him about the website I did ask him if he was with someone else when he 'disappeared' for the day last weekend. Shit shit shit. Have I got a problem? Am I just wound up. This is what my ex husband said about me. sad

ecto Mon 15-Oct-12 23:41:40

He would like you to think it's your insecurities but it's no such thing. You caught him out, he's saving face.

It isn't insecure to ask what that kind of website is doing on his iPad. It's a reasonable question from a sensible person.

You are much better off without this 'man'.

StuntGirl Mon 15-Oct-12 23:50:20

It's not you love, it's him. Seriously.

Inertia Mon 15-Oct-12 23:50:24

It isn't your problem.

It's his problem. He wants a relationship with someone who does as she's told, who doesn't challenge his behaviour, who turns a blind eye to his seedier habits.

You're not playing his game- he wants you to beg and plead him to come back , on his terms. He knows about your insecurity issues, he thinks you'll chase after him and make contact. You're smarter and stronger than that.

If it had been a genuine mistake or computer glitch, he'd have been trying to fix the problem, or apologise that you'd been hurt, or reassure you. He didn't- he went on the attack and told you it was all your fault. You're not insecure, you're correct - and he's trying to deflect attention away from the things he's done wrong.

Quadrangle Mon 15-Oct-12 23:50:27

Blimey some of the things that I have googled as a result of reading mumsnet boards! If they came up when I was doing an internet search i would look like a right perv! grin

Quadrangle Mon 15-Oct-12 23:55:42

Sorry OP i replied after only reading the OP. Have read your other posts now. Sorry you are feeling upset.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 16-Oct-12 00:01:19

I'm sorry he didn't turn out to be the man you hoped for. It's very sad but it's NOT YOUR FAULT. If you had been acting paranoid a decent partner would have cut you some slack given your emotional history, not flounced off. (And I speak as someone who divorced over his constant accusations of my infidelity - it does sting - but I did forgive him for the first 20 years!)

FWIW I'd bet my best Sunday wig and braces he was with someone else when you thought he might have been, that's why he's so very indignant now that you could even think such a thing. But I suppose we'll never know for sure.

CuriousMama Tue 16-Oct-12 00:02:10

Did you tell him your exdh said this about you? If so then he's using it as a tool and get out clause. If not he's probably as big an arse as your ex. Either way it isn't you.

Poppysquad Tue 16-Oct-12 00:03:03

Don't worry Quadrangle.

I am upset though. I feel really hurt and inadequate. In tears. Unattractive, with rubbish from my divorce coming back to haunt me.

I was looking forward to doing things together. We were checking out flights to Barcelona to go away or a weekend when I spotted the website. I hope I haven't go this all wrong and have done what he said and pushed him away. Why do I doubt myself so much?

CuriousMama Tue 16-Oct-12 00:09:14

But you said he wouldn't let you in and didn't share so you're bound to feel insecure. After 6 months you should have been more included in his life. Believe me I know how fucked up they get you, I had one like this as I've said, also in his 50s ( I like older men) he had issues though and was a bit like Peter Pan tbh. You never know where you stand? And they try to make you feel so grateful hmm When I binned him he went quiet for ages. I met lovely dp and a while after he tried to get back with me. I just replied that I was doing ok and to take care. I didn't open the dialogue and wouldn't even if I'd been single as he was so evasive. Dp's in his 50s too but a real mature man. There are some out there I promise smile

Poppysquad Tue 16-Oct-12 00:09:40

The email he sent on Saturday started Hi Gorgeous, and was signed with loads of kisses and talk of us hopefully getting together once he was in a better place. Then today, he wrote that hes thought about it and doesn't want to be with me. What's changed?

CuriousMama Tue 16-Oct-12 00:11:55

Oh deal Lord I think he's a clone of the ex I'm talking about. How bloody fucked up is he! Please please avoid. They keep you dangling as it massages their egos. And when you look back you think 'he wasn't all that?' WTF was I thinking?
He's really got to you though I can tell. I hope you can be kind to yourself and keep strong?

CuriousMama Tue 16-Oct-12 00:13:00

Anyway I'm off to bed now night God bless, and dream of a toyboy not that creep wink

Poppysquad Tue 16-Oct-12 00:13:40

This ex wasn't in Cheshire was he?

StuntGirl Tue 16-Oct-12 00:13:43

He's playing mind games to fuck with your head. And its working! You will go to Barcelona with someone a million times better, I promise.

Poppysquad Tue 16-Oct-12 00:19:06

I am torturing myself reading his emails to me. There are loads! Most days I'd get a message. Missing the attention

OldBagWantsNewBag Tue 16-Oct-12 00:22:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldBagWantsNewBag Tue 16-Oct-12 00:36:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poppysquad Tue 16-Oct-12 07:18:56

Still not feeling good this morning. I really do appreciate the support you are giving and have tried to get things straight in my head.

I have read all your posts and think yes, you're right, he didn't care that much. Before I saw the fated website on his iPad, I know he went on the website we originally met on. He told me he was responding to people who mailed him letting them know that he was now in a relationship.

Its terrible. Its not as if he was gorgeous or a great catch. But I couldn't even maintain a relationship with him. i couldn't just relax I couldn't trust things. I know he didn't share a lot of himself but he was starting to.

I feel like I am reaching for a self destruct button pretty worthless at the moment.

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 07:28:17

Please don't blame yourself!

What did YOU do wrong? NOTHING!

HE chose to sneak around on nsa sites, he went back on the dating site. Ipaid a years service on the site i subscribed to. I've been with my boyf 6m more or less now, I've not responded to any contact. I switched off notifications and blurred my photo.

This guy is not good enough for you.

HE blew it, HIM. All by himself.

Emails mean nothing, actions, thought and consideration are everything.

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 07:33:42

If a man is honourable and honest, he wouldn't mind being open, he'd reassure you.

He fucked up, and he's blaming you.

Unforgivable. He'd destroyyour confidence entirely if you stayed with him.

gettingeasier Tue 16-Oct-12 07:45:44

What Madlady said a couple of pages ago

Me thinks the lady doth protest too much ( when asked about ipad history)

I am 3 years single so far on the basis that historically I have endured far too much unacceptable behaviour from men so I have needed to "work" on myself to get past this. To get to a point where I would read the emails you have received from him and put a line through his name and consider him a prat without at any point berating myself.

I am sure the attention etc after a drought of years was lovely but maybe think about putting that aside and looking into how your marriage has affected you

zookeeper Tue 16-Oct-12 07:54:40

you sound so like me five years ago. Fresh out of a grim relationship, wanting a loving relationship but unsure of yourself and not really recognising what is healthy and unhealthy any more in a relationship.

That you are even doubting that this guy's behaviour is any way your fault shows that you are not yet ready to start a relationship. I would concentrate on yourself for a few months, on rebuilding relationships with your friends, enjoying your ds, perhaps getting some counselling just to talk through your last relationship , read a lot about abusive men (I'm sure you'll recognise your ex as one if you do) and generally being kind to yourself and building your self esteem. You sound really lovely and you don't need men like this in your life.

zookeeper Tue 16-Oct-12 07:56:22

how many times did I say "relationship" ? I should have previewed. smile

Lueji Tue 16-Oct-12 08:09:47

But I couldn't even maintain a relationship with him. i couldn't just relax I couldn't trust things. I know he didn't share a lot of himself but he was starting to

Firstly, it takes two to maintain a relationship. You can't keep it by yourself.

Secondly, why should you trust if he didn't share? Trust involves openess and truth. Plus that would be a site that would raise my eyebrows even if he went there before you met. And he didn't even say something along the lines of looking at what it was for fun.
I can trust a man if he doesn't disappear on the occasional day.

Aspiemum2 Tue 16-Oct-12 08:23:10

It's not as if he was gorgeous or a great catch.................

So why were you with him? You do deserve someone that you're attracted to you know. Please don't settle, which is what you were doing. Don't sell yourself short, you can and will do better but only when you're ready

Bogeyface Tue 16-Oct-12 08:43:31

You couldnt maintain a relationship with him, because he wasnt in the relationship.

He was still going on the dating site you met him on, he didnt need to do that to reply to people, he could have deactivated his account or put something to that effect on his profile and ignored messaged, he didnt. He was looking at a married affairs website, and got extremely snotty when you asked him about it. He didnt need to do that. Just a simple "Oh I saw it on X program and had a look!" or whatever.

His behaviour has proved that his is ALL HIM. There is nothing you could have done apart from lie down and let him walk all over you.

As I said, you couldnt keep the relationship going because you were the only one committed to it, and that is his failing, not yours.

HE FAILED, HE WILL ALWAYS FAIL! YOU DID NOT FAIL.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 16-Oct-12 10:13:53

Given that he was cheating on you, surely it would be more of a failure on your part to trust him? If "maintaining a relationship" with him required you to put on your blinkers and pretend to yourself that nothing is going on, when you know deep down that it is, that is too high a price to pay just to have male company. It is a recipe for madness and will make you not just mentally but physically ill in time.

It is his fault for lying to you, not your fault for finding out. He was talking to you about how very devoted he was to you alone, nobody else would get a look-in, all lovely words, but it was proven to be a bare-faced lie. How can you even believe you should trust a man like that? Just think for a moment how skewed that is. It's the way you had to think to get by with your ex, and that wasn't very good for you. This one may be less of an up-front bastard but he's still a liar and a cheat. There is no happy ending to be had with one of those, unless and until he gives up his cheating ways - not you give up your grasp on reality.

Poppysquad, it seems to me that you think everything is your responsibility. That if a relationship works or not is down to you. I can only assume that this way of thinking is a legacy of your "sham of a marriage where I dared not challenge my ex husband in case he'd leave me and my son". Please, please, don't torture yourself this way. It is NOT your responsibility. It takes two to form a relationship, and if one party is a lying weasel then there is NOTHING that the other part can do to make it work, no matter how softly they tread on those eggshells. At best they can delay the inevitable.

You've already travelled that road, and it's really not in your interests to do so again. There are nice men out there, please don't waste your precious time on another worthless man. Remember - you are NOT responsible for this relationship not working, he is.

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 00:03:19

Thanks again! I am truly taking on board all your comments

The fact that I've not posted tonight is good news. After a devastating few minutes in the car on the way home, tears, shaking, sobs, I called a girl friend who had offered to be there, anytime.

She came over and we had a great time. Talked about the situation, your posts, life in general. Laughing, joking. I feel so much better. I can't claim that the self doubts and tears wont come back, but they've gone for now.

OldBagWantsNewBag Wed 17-Oct-12 00:20:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface Wed 17-Oct-12 00:28:34

Thats great smile

Call her again whenever you have a wobble. Did she say that you are well rid? I bet she did, trust her smile

RosemaryHoyt Wed 17-Oct-12 00:43:01

Fwiw my iPad history is:

Mumsnet
Register self employed
Pinking shears
eBay
Emma bridgewater eBay
Blanket stitch
Length of child foot size 7

Nothing there about NSA anything. Bogey was bang on. Agree with controlling behaviour analysis. Good luck. It's ok to be by yourself than with someone like that.

CuriousMama Wed 17-Oct-12 08:32:59

smile It's good when we have friends like this.

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 19:19:30

Just had yet another wobble. A friend drove past his house and texted me to say he's at home. So tempted to call round and confront him. I want to tell him that its no wonder I was unsettled when he kept so much from me. I am writing this now rather than contacting him. I am so tempted though. When my friend sent the text to tell me I quaked....

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 19:26:46

Tears. Thankfully DS is out for an hour or so. I reread his note to me again. It all sounds so reasonable, so measured. It's not horrid at all, he admits its as much to do with him not being able to deal with my insecurities

SHIT Everything is going backwards again. I feel totally heart broken

OldBagWantsNewBag Wed 17-Oct-12 19:41:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 19:45:17

I miss him. I miss the attention. I miss the comfort of knowing someone out there cares. I miss being in someone's arms. I miss being able to call him on my way home. I miss his bloody dog!

OldBagWantsNewBag Wed 17-Oct-12 19:51:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 19:57:46

It was my fault then? I couldn't cope? I am too demanding? I can't trust anyone?

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 20:01:53

I don't know which version is real anymore. Me, the unreasonable, demanding person, or him the potentially two timing liar. I am really struggling

OldBagWantsNewBag Wed 17-Oct-12 20:16:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldBagWantsNewBag Wed 17-Oct-12 20:30:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 20:30:34

I think I lived with an unsuitable husband for years. I was on my own for over twelve months before I dated anyone. I left well alone, and I know I dont need a man to define myself. I do worry though about DS leaving home though and being a lonely old bat in the house on her own.

I do need to get out. I feel very mistrustful of dating websites at the moment.

My lifestyle doesn't really allow for a dog. My DS would love one but I do work away from home quite a bit and there's no one I can really leave a dog with. Maybe the Cinnamon Trust might work for DS and me.

DS is back from rugby, it has an amazing way of enforcing normality

OldBagWantsNewBag Wed 17-Oct-12 20:38:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoleSource Wed 17-Oct-12 20:44:19

www.meetup.com

The above site is excellent. You can start your own group too.

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 21:36:16

Thanks SoleSource I will check it out

SoleSource Wed 17-Oct-12 21:57:33

Yeah, try stuff. Voluntary work?

Poppysquad Wed 17-Oct-12 23:00:01

Do you really think that there are decent 50 plus year old men out there? Ones that will accept a slightly dumpy woman who isn't always pert and perfect. I have been reading the Plankton Blog. Its depressing. She seems to have come to the conclusion that there are so few decent guys out there

SoleSource Wed 17-Oct-12 23:20:22

thete might be someone put tbere fpr ypu Poppy. First off all feel OK about yourself and love yourself. It is a cliche to some but true. Switch tbe focus from looking for a man to love, get to know who you are, what you love and what you really wang in life and what you want and will not stand for in a mans persobality/actions. It is early days and natural/understandable you feel the way you do. It might go on for some time. Try a new therapist/theapy?

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