to wonder whose fault this was

(72 Posts)
lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:10:53

Family A has a nanny but she can't drive just now.

Family B mum down the road says she's happy to pick up Family A's kids on Tuesdays.

Family B mum starts to pick up regularly. Nanny sends regular text on Tuesdsays "ok to pick up?" etc.

Family B takes their holiday abroad one week so family B mum doesn't respond to text - is at a wedding abroad. Family B has made vague reference to wedding to mum of Family A over coffee previous week but not in a "so you realise I won't be picking up Tuesday don't you?" kind of way.

No-one picks up kids, school call Family A dad who is very cross with Family B and sends nanny down to school in a taxi.

Jury, verdict please....


AgentZigzag Tue 09-Oct-12 18:14:17

Family B should have made it clearer that the children weren't going to be picked up, and Family As nanny should have been sure they were being picked up.

I can understand why the dad's a bit miffed, but then he's ultimately responsible for his children...

So an all rounder really grin

Ohh I think if its been a regular arrangement it should have been made very clear by family b that they weren't available to do so that week.

But nanny should have followed it up if no answer.

Obiwan Tue 09-Oct-12 18:17:22

It sounds like a misunderstanding.

I suppose if I were Family B, and had actually received the nannys text, I'd have made a point of replying so that Family A were aware that there was no chance of the pick up taking place.

Sassybeast Tue 09-Oct-12 18:17:28

Nanny should have used initiative when she received no reply to text and text again or rung mum.
Nanny at fault 'gavel'

AgentZigzag Tue 09-Oct-12 18:18:52

Actually, the children were the ones at school, it was their fault as much as anyones.

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:19:46

Family B did not receive text - old phone package didn't work abroad.

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:21:52

AgentZ is not taking this entirely seriously!

SoupDragon Tue 09-Oct-12 18:22:20

Family B mother made a commitment to collect the A children on Tuesdays. she should have made it clear that she was unavailable that particular week.

I'd say the nanny!! Yes it should have been clearer BUT u can't ever assume anythin. No response could have meant phone was broken, no signal, a family emergency so couldnt reply etc. nanny should have bothered to check!!!!

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Tue 09-Oct-12 18:24:30

I don't think anybody is at fault really. Are you the nanny?

If so - well you could have rung your boss and said 'can I have taxi cash please in case Family B aren't at school because I haevn't heard either way' - and your boss owuld probably have said 'don't be a dafty trosuers!'

Family B should have been clearer - it's the midst of a school term and they've done it every Tuesday to date. Not unreasonable to assume they'd be there this week.

ajandjjmum Tue 09-Oct-12 18:25:45

So OP....which one are you? grin

Goldfishshoalsnibblingatmytoes Tue 09-Oct-12 18:26:09

If Nanny/Family A thought it was an agreed arrangement they wouldn't have sent text asking if it was being done this week.

Therefore by sending text, they know there's no commitment implied by Family B so therefore why send the text?

To get a response to say yes happy - therefore when no text received in reply, nanny should have known she needed to do something.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 09-Oct-12 18:26:18

Nanny should have rung school when she didn't get a reply to text. Mother A should have asked when mum B mentioned wedding (however vaguely) about school pick up arrangements for that time period.

Ultimate responsibility lies with the parents of the children.

sleepyhead Tue 09-Oct-12 18:26:31

Nanny is at fault. Why bother sending the text if you're just going to assume all is ok?

But it would have been nice of family B to make it a bit more obvious that the lift was off that week.

AgentZigzag Tue 09-Oct-12 18:27:32

I think the OP is Family B, for definite.

SoldeInvierno Tue 09-Oct-12 18:27:48

Maybe family B is fed up with arrangement and thought "that'll teach them"

AgentZigzag Tue 09-Oct-12 18:28:43

That wouldn't be very nice given that the children were left high and dry Solde.

Much easier to say 'Can't do it any more'.

Obiwan Tue 09-Oct-12 18:29:20

I think OP is Family B too grin

Shutupanddrive Tue 09-Oct-12 18:29:40

I would say its the nannys fault for assuming they were being picked up, especially after having no response to the text

SoldeInvierno Tue 09-Oct-12 18:30:16

Who says they are nice or like that sort of confrontation? some people put up with many inconvenient arrangement out of habit or embarrassment. I am defending it, but it is a possibility.

SoldeInvierno Tue 09-Oct-12 18:30:37

sorry, I meant NOT defendng it

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Tue 09-Oct-12 18:31:55

Family A is at fault.

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:32:12

Is it time to confess which one I was?

HecateLarpo Tue 09-Oct-12 18:34:21

Well, family A should have asked when family B mentioned the wedding. That would be the first thing I would do!

Nanny, upon not getting a reply to the "ok to pick up" text, should have thought that that meant there might be a problem and planned accordingly. NEVER assume!

Family B should have said that they won't be around.

It's a lack of clear communication all round, imo, but if I had to pick one to put more blame on grin it would be the nanny for not acting when they got no reply to the text.

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Tue 09-Oct-12 18:34:33


HecateLarpo Tue 09-Oct-12 18:34:45

oh please don't say the nanny please don't say the nanny please don't say the nanny

ChaoticismyLife Tue 09-Oct-12 18:36:53


kinkyfuckery Tue 09-Oct-12 18:37:46

<joins in the lurking>

HeadlessForHalloween Tue 09-Oct-12 18:37:50

It's partly Family B's fault for not being more clear, but the nanny should have gone to the school to pick up after being unable to contact Family B. You also have to take into consideration that Family B are doing a kind favour, and the dc aren't their responsibility.

HastaLanugo Tue 09-Oct-12 18:38:10

If something is usually confirmed by text, but no reply text is received, it is not confirmed. Therefore, IMO nanny was irresponsible to assume arrangement was in place.

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:39:06

ok, so this was actually about six months ago. Today I was driving all the children home (being mum B, as you clever people have all guessed) and they started talking - as they quite regularly do! - about "the day no-one picked us up" and it went like this.

"lingle, do you remember that time and you went on holiday and we had to go to the office and [nanny] had to come in a taxi. Daddy was so angry! Yeah, he was really angry"

"angry with who?"

"with you!"


I think that since this incident the nanny knows I haven't committed to informing them of my holiday arrangements - I'm pretty sure when we started this thing that I said "ok make sure you do ask me every week because sometimes I work" - so it's the idea that the father now considers me to be an unreliable picker-upper that was the unfortunate revelation!

I have no other problem with the arrangement and nanny A and mum A are lovely.

Maybe I just to steer clear of dad A for a little while? In case I rant?

HeadlessForHalloween Tue 09-Oct-12 18:39:13

Actually, the dad of family A is being unreasonable. It was a misunderstanding and no harm was done. No need to get cross about it.

clam Tue 09-Oct-12 18:39:23

I think Family A's dad has got a flipping cheek to be angry with the people who've been doing his family a favour up until now and if I were them (Family B) I would be withdrawing my help from now on.

Hope you enjoyed the wedding, OP!!! wink

SummerRain Tue 09-Oct-12 18:39:50

<Sits on lurkers bench>

clam Tue 09-Oct-12 18:39:54

Oops! Posted that before I read who the OP was!

MissVerinder Tue 09-Oct-12 18:40:34

^ Exactly what clam said.

I presume you are being suitably remunerated?

ventilatormum Tue 09-Oct-12 18:40:55

Family A dad bit unfair to be cross with Family B.
Family A parents have delegated responsibility to nanny. Nanny should have sorted it out when text not replied to.
Sorry lingle if you are nanny!! (which I too suspect ....)

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:41:40

Hurray! someone finally blamed it all on dad A.

I blame him for criticising me in front of the children smile

And I blame myself for being unable to let it go for the last two and a half hours smile and for asking who he was angry with.

MissVerinder Tue 09-Oct-12 18:42:36

As in Dad A is being mean to you, considering you are doing him a favour and I'm guessing you don't get petrol money, not as in he is paying you and you should have toled him, which is how that came across...

and breathe...

ventilatormum Tue 09-Oct-12 18:42:37

oh look! too slow.
At least I also think family A dad unfair, and family B NOT your fault!!

ObiWan Tue 09-Oct-12 18:42:43

Yes, do avoid him - because if he thinks this is bothering you after six months have passed, he'll think you're neurotic as well as flakey. grin

HeadlessForHalloween Tue 09-Oct-12 18:43:14

Well I'm not exactly surprised you are Mum B grin

when we started this thing that I said "ok make sure you do ask me every week because sometimes I work

^^With this I think you are totally in the clear. It was never a long standing arrangement and was to be done on a week to week basis.

SoldeInvierno Tue 09-Oct-12 18:43:19

why did they hire a nanny who couldn't drive if the school isn't within walking distance? What a cheek to put all the responsibility on you. I hope they are paying you well!

Quadrangle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:43:29

He probably had a bit of a moan in the heat of the moment as he had been called away from work, but probably realised when he had calmed down that it was just a misunderstanding and that you were actually doing them a big favour. Has the nanny broken her leg or something?

ChaoticismyLife Tue 09-Oct-12 18:43:45

<agrees with Clam>

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:43:55

and no problem with the arrangement. Great family, have been so good to my children (one of whom is vulnerable). In and out of each other's houses all summer.

I think that perhaps dad A and I have a wee bit too much in common? I did tell the nanny (also my friend) about it today and said "so, we do know what we're doing don't we? I don't report in in advance if I'm going on holiday".

And she smiled and waited for me to calm down, as she has done for years.

WithoutCaution Tue 09-Oct-12 18:44:37

Family A WBU. You mentioned, however vaguely, that you would be on holiday for a week it's hardly your fault that family A didn't put 2 and 2 together.

HeadlessForHalloween Tue 09-Oct-12 18:44:53

But she only found out today Obi grin

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:47:00

"Yes, do avoid him - because if he thinks this is bothering you after six months have passed, he'll think you're neurotic as well as flakey. "

PMSL that is so right!

god I love mumsnet sometimes.

Quadrangle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:47:07

I don't blame you for not thinking to notify family B that you wouldn't be able to do the school pick up. You probably had enough to think about with going abroad to a wedding.

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:49:05

"He probably had a bit of a moan in the heat of the moment as he had been called away from work, but probably realised when he had calmed down that it was just a misunderstanding and that you were actually doing them a big favour. Has the nanny broken her leg or something? "

that's probably right - he thought it was private.

chronic health issue has arisen for nanny. pickup is not a problem. have child on SEN register and regular car ride with trusted other children plus sometimes tea together is absolutely perfect for him - it's mutually beneficial.

bloody dad A!

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:50:31

that's the thing Quad - I'm more than happy to pick up whenever they want me to.

But I'm not happy for it to become my job to plan the pickups. That is their job, delegated to the nanny.

I confess I did moan to the nanny that I don't work for Dad A.

KenLeeeeeee Tue 09-Oct-12 18:52:21

Dad A is totally U to blame Family B.

Responsibility for the children has been delegated to the Nanny (why hire a Nanny who can't drive if the school is too far to walk...?), who has in turn accepted an offer of help from someone else. It's the Nanny's responsibility to check that this still stands on a weekly basis and given that she got no reply on this occasion, she shouldn't have just left the children at school!

Ultimately though, I think it all lies with Family A for hiring a Nanny who clearly can't meet the needs of their children without calling in favours from elsewhere. They would be better off replacing Nanny with who one can drive and not relying on Family B at all.

tanteclaire Tue 09-Oct-12 18:55:49

Dad A has a cheek to be cross with family B who are doing him a favour - but he has every right to be cross with the nanny who, not receiving a confirmatory text, should have gone to pick up - that's her job.

Mum A should have cottoned on when you mentioned the wedding, the nanny should have done something when you didn't reply to her text.

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 18:56:43

<hotly defends nanny who was one of the small band of people who kept lingle sane and didn't speculate aloud about lingle's son's SNs back in the difficult old days>

thank you jury - I am at peace.

tanteclaire Tue 09-Oct-12 18:57:45

you could have been clearer, mind... but he has no right to be cross smile

NovackNGood Tue 09-Oct-12 18:58:25

Nannys fault for not knowing what was happening at all times with the children she is paid to be in charge of. She should know exactly who is picking them up and what time the will arrive leave etc. If not then fire her.

AgentZigzag Tue 09-Oct-12 19:52:04

He's not so angry as to stop the pick ups though.

I agree it was probably just a passing frustration vent rather than really angry, if you heard through the DC it could have been exaggerated or they didn't see the significance of using 'really angry' instead of the more accurate 'a bit miffed on top of everything else he's got going on'.

Clawdy Tue 09-Oct-12 20:44:18

Still think you could have mentioned that you would not be around the next did seem a fairly regular arrangement. But agree Nanny should have worried when you didn't reply to text.

CaliforniaLeaving Tue 09-Oct-12 21:29:16

Dad A owes you an apology for thinking it was your fault. He's a knob. When you see him next tell him I said so. grin
If it was a set pick up day then Nanny wouldn't need to text and make sure you are available, so family A should have had another plan for pick up on days you aren't available. I think you should be busy at least twice month to make the point.

fairyfriend Tue 09-Oct-12 21:56:54

Ah, I think you should let it go. If he'd actually ranted at you, I'd say he was a dickhead. But I imagine he was stressed and blaming everyone and anyone.

The conversation probably went something like:
Dad: what's she doing going on hols without telling us, the feckin eejit?!!
Mum: well she never said she'd tell us, she said to check. It's the nanny's fault.
Dad; yeah, she's a feckin eejit too.
Mum: maybe a bit, but she sorted it out. Kids are fine. Tea?
Dad: yeah, fair enough. Best not have a go at anyone, no harm done.

Small child having only focused in on 'feckin eejit'.

marbleslost Tue 09-Oct-12 22:03:47

Family B were doing a massive favour for which they received no reward.

They forgot.

Yes they should have said. But as it wasn't their job, maybe they forgot.

But I don't think family A should be angry about it. It's not a business arrangement - it's a favour. Just because they've done it for ages, doesn't mean they have a duty to. I feel family B has been taken for granted.

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 22:14:19

smile smile at idea of posh barrister neighbour calling me a feckin eejit in Boris Johnson voice.

fairyfriend Tue 09-Oct-12 22:24:28

LOL! Well you didn't say he was a pompous twat posh barrister!
I can't help it OP, people I don't know are always Iris in my head. grin

fairyfriend Tue 09-Oct-12 22:25:51

*no offence intended to any posh barristers- or indeed pompous twats- who are reading this thread.

lingle Tue 09-Oct-12 22:34:27

I suppose people have to get a free pass for anything they say in their own home


marbleslost Tue 09-Oct-12 22:39:57

I do a favour for another family once a week. But they always ask on the morning - is it ok. If they didn't I'd feel what a bloody cheek. Unless you are paying somebody, you can't expect them to be available for you whenever you need them.

A few years ago I offered to help a mum who was going back to work "if ever her childcare didn't work" i.e. if childminder off sick. She took this to mean I was her free childcare. I had never offered that. She took huge offence when I went on holiday for a week only giving her a week's notice. I just think unless you are paying someone, you have no rights and they have no obligation.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Tue 09-Oct-12 23:21:01

oh thanks a bunch lingle.

I was just going to bed and now I am angry because dad a is bbu.

however, in mitigating circumstances, he may have been crross at the hassle.. and on cooling down did not really think that. (deep breaths!)

lingle Wed 10-Oct-12 10:43:33

what's a bbu?


lingle Wed 10-Oct-12 10:51:54

ah sorry!
being bloody unreasonable.

hope you slept well smile

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