to throw myself to the nest of vipers for a serious telling off

(65 Posts)
howtobeamermaid Sun 07-Oct-12 23:50:28

I need one. I can't believe what I've just done. I feel sick.

Have stinking cold and was feeding baby DS (7 months). Put him down in cot and went downstairs. All quiet on monitor. Up to check 10 mins later and he's studiously chewing on one of my tissues I've somehow put down in cot with him. Shreds of it everywhere. Pick up, there's a 50p sized wodge of it on the roof of his mouth.

Mind is whirring with what-ifs now. Jesus Christ, I feel like the shittest mother ever.

Ugh. DH said he was fine, no point thinking of what if. Just be more careful in future. No that'not enough. Need a good flogging.

Loonytoonie Sun 07-Oct-12 23:54:25

You're not firing on all cylinders with your cold. No telling off from me, but let this be a reminder to us all. How easy little mistakes could lead to danger.

Poor you - you've had enough of a shock. Listen to your DH, and grab yourself a hot ribena and some paracetamol.

If he'd choked you would have heard him through the monitor and rushed upstairs.

Accidents happen - you won't do it again (because you'll be hypervigilant now!)

Give yourself a break like I had to when DD fell off the stair gate put in to 'keep her safe'

McHappyPants2012 Sun 07-Oct-12 23:55:19

mistakes happen, you are not a shit mother

WorraLiberty Sun 07-Oct-12 23:55:45

You're not the first parent to make a simple mistake and you certainly won't be the last.

I agree with your DH, you'll learn from it and that's that.

<< Gavel >>

AnyFucker Sun 07-Oct-12 23:56:36

< applies very, very gentle flogging to shoulder in manner of a pat >

it's ok

your baby is ok

we all make these minor mistakes that could (in a vanishingly small way) develop into something more serious

my toddler once applied a cotton bud to his ear, in the manner he saw mummy do it

we ended up in A+E with a punctured ear drum

I left the cotton bud lying around around

SoleSource Sun 07-Oct-12 23:56:59

Lesson learned. Never to be repeated.
Nobody Is perfect you know.

lovebunny Sun 07-Oct-12 23:57:00

you all came through. there will be experiences like this. forgive yourself, carry on trying to be alert in future (because there is no way you intended this to happen or would have ignored a tissue in the cot if you'd seen it) hug the ds, move on.

ScaryBOOAlot Sun 07-Oct-12 23:57:44

We all make mistakes, especially when we're ill. He was fine, you won't do it again.

Feel better soon.

KenAdams Sun 07-Oct-12 23:58:38

Everyone makes mistakes, don't beat yourself up about it.

NeDeLaMer Sun 07-Oct-12 23:58:55

You are sick, you made a mistake - everyone does it - the vast majority of the time we are lucky like you were. Stop beating yourself up.

monsterchild Mon 08-Oct-12 00:01:35

Mistakes happen we learn from them and move on. I expect I will make stupid (and hopefully harmless) mistakes after by DS is born! I'm giving you permission to get over this and hope you will do the same for me when I do something dumb too!

howtobeamermaid Mon 08-Oct-12 00:12:53

Not the flogging I requested but that is very kind of you all,

I just feel horribly tired and overwhelmed by being a mum right now. It's not the first stupid thing I've done since he's been born (let roll off bed, nearly tipped him out of pram) and I just feel like it's incredibly easy to make a little stupid mistake that could have HUGE implications. And it would only take one more act of stupidity (over the course of the rest of his childhood!!) and something terrible could happen and I couldn't go on. Scares the shit out of me. I think I'm more prone to doing stupid things than most people somehow. Even when I try really hard to be vigilant (spend half my life running up and down stairs checking on him)

Love him, I really do, but sometimes wonder why I didn't realise the sheer weight of responsibility that comes with having a child. I'm certainly thinking twice about having another. Wail!

youngermother1 Mon 08-Oct-12 00:31:47

We all feel like that. DS is 13, nice kid, doing well at school, good friends. Still waiting for the evidence of the almighty fuck-up I have done or will do. You will NEVER think everything is ok.
However, every time i think of him (often), I get a warm feeling that makes it all worthwhile.
Have lots and enjoy (whilst stressing like mad).

ripsishere Mon 08-Oct-12 04:06:12

Another very gentle flogging for you.
I think that anyone who tells you they've never done something dangerous or put their child in a detrimental situation is a liar.
I can't count the ways my DD hurt herself, or through my negligence or ignorance I allowed her to hurt herself.
She is now a very resilient 11 YO who has just this minute phoned me to tell me to bring a book to school that she forgot.

TroublesomeEx Mon 08-Oct-12 04:21:15

I agree with the others.

We've all been there. We've all made a decision that seemed perfectly reasonable at the time but then immediately showed itself as the most ridiculously neglectful thing ever! Or just done something completely by accident as you did.

But that's how you learn. That's how you get better.

sometimes wonder why I didn't realise the sheer weight of responsibility that comes with having a child. It's because all anyone does when you're pregnant is mock you about the impending sleepless nights. This 'weight of responsibility' sort of hits you.

I would say though that, in my personal and very humble opinion and experience, that feeling the way you do is the sign of being a very good mother and not a shit one at all. A shit one would think it was funny or just not recognise that it was a problem or why.


BeauNeidel Mon 08-Oct-12 04:35:00

I agree with all the others as well (morning FolkGirl btw - thought I was the only one up!)

I felt fucking awful the other morning - I fell down the stairs while carrying the baby, he was fine, I twisted my leg under me in such a way I had to sort of shimmy round and go down head first. I've always been paranoid about falling down the stairs while carrying a child and then it happened sad

It could have been worse, lots of things could be. I try not to dwell!

TroublesomeEx Mon 08-Oct-12 04:37:17

Morning Beau. Ooh no, never miss my 3.15 wake up time. I could set my clock by it hmm

That sounds painful and scary! But you did it. You had that happen and protected your baby with no thought for yourself. That's the mark of a good mum right there.

Wheresmypopcorn Mon 08-Oct-12 04:49:34

You are a good mum, you didn't hear anything and went to check - instinct, no?

IllageVidiot Mon 08-Oct-12 04:56:41

I have been amazed, and thankfull!, at just how robust the most vulnerable little members of our family are.

Some things have been negligence due to no sleep or illness, some things have been due to it just not occuring to me that it would happen e.g I lock all the bleach away like fort knox only to find DD had decided to, and acted in the space I turned around to stuff her clothes in the laundry basket and find a towel in the same tiny room, take a huge swig of her dad's aftershave, it was more of a chug actually cuz I start 'em young - cue A&E fun. Some things are just outright unforseeable accidents.

I cannot count the hours I have spent feeling like hot coal pennance is not enough to assuage the guilt I felt at it happening. I learned, through the trial of more children - they do stupid shit, sometimes so do I, it's ok to be kind to yourself because you have learned.
And everyday I send a little nod to Mother Nature to say 'thanks for making kids able to survive new parents, tired parents, old parents and me'.

It's a whole load of responsibility it's true but try to take a step back sometimes if you can - a lot of pressure is heaped on parents, a lot of ideological thinking is pushed at you and it can become bound up with how you see yourself, what is essential etc; stop hammer time honestly, pare back the thinking. Your child needs food, warmth, comfort, love, safety. If, at the end of the day your child is fed, warm, loved, secure and happy it doesn't matter how you got there or any bumps along the way. When I stopped putting pressure on myself to be the perfect 'type x' parent I had a lot more head space to be the best IllageVidiot parent, a lot of anxiety left me - a lot of stress suddenly being removed meant I did less stupid shit...had the same amount of accidents but it happens. I'm not the perfect parent but I am perfect for my family - you will be too because you love your child and DH and will act in ther best interests - nobody said you had to do it as Gina Ford or Dr Spears, just as you, as best you can.

IllageVidiot Mon 08-Oct-12 05:06:53

For instance - I'm in my PJ's and eating a kitkat, MNetting while watching DS make a nest with blankets, books and various random but obviously meaningful objects so we can be Mummy monkey and baby monkey in a safe tree.

Sounds like terrible parenting but he is scared of the thunderstorm (SN) and because it's louder upstairs doesn't want to sleep in our bed but make a safe place.
If I was the perfect parent I'm sure I would soothe him and have him asleep in his bed like a child should be and not indulge this ridiculous carrying on and attention seeking. But I say sod that, I know him best and god damn it if he wants to be a monkey then I'll be the best damn monkey in town and you can suck it if you don't like it'. Because I'm a charmer! If this results in a terrible lego accident, well so it goes.

sashh Mon 08-Oct-12 05:09:35

Love him, I really do, but sometimes wonder why I didn't realise the sheer weight of responsibility that comes with having a child.

So that's you and every other parent on the planet then.

All parents have done daft stuff. Some dafter than others, some potentially dangerous, some just embarassing.

In the days of big prams and shops with steps babies were routinely left outside shops, and every mother over a certain age (and some fathers) have a story of getting hom, or half way home and realising something was missing.

Oh and I don't think you left it in the cot, I think a 7 month old is quite capable of taking a liking to something and grabbing without you noticing.

DD is away this weekend with DH. I sat in the car and, on the verge of years, asked myself why I introduced into my life someone who I can't live without for one night. What if something happened to her? Feeling like this is parenting. Goodness knows why we do it to ourselves.

thebody Mon 08-Oct-12 05:36:28

Hi all, another parent awake and worried. Op you sound like an amazing mother tbh. We all have similar stories to relate as none of us are perfect all of the time.

Awake and worried about an unhappy 13 year old. Won't hijack thread but just to say its a life long commitment this parenting lark, was worried sick about the 23 year old a few weeks ago.

No one understands unless you are a parent what the deal is...

Op don't worry, it's par for the course.

margerykemp Mon 08-Oct-12 05:40:26

Your DH should have taken the day off work to look after DS if you were ill.

RawShark Mon 08-Oct-12 06:43:13

I think the worst was when I left my baby unstrapped in the maxi-cosi having been out for a wander and taking him out - remembered on the motorway half way home. Almost too scared to pull off due to deceleration forces being unpredictable at unknown junctions therefore making him more likily to be catapaulted. Plus dilemma at whether or not to stop on hard shoulder of bust motorway (more dangerous ? Or not?) Cue much self-castigation.

So YABU to give yourself a hard time. It's being knackered. ANd not realising how even the smallest thing can be dangerous - the list is endless confused

Every single parent has a number of stories like this, Tje heart in the mouth, think what could have happened ones. Very few end in tragedy, although obviously any is too many . Most end in the parents thinkjng how lucky they are and sharing the story as a warning to others. I'd do the same, but where to start?!

Erm that is every single parent not every single parent, if you see what I mean blush

OHforDUCKScake Mon 08-Oct-12 06:58:23

There was a thread on here a while back with parents confessing their near misses. Not only was it side splittingly hilarious, I personally found it very reasurring.


They do, to all of us believe me.

If anyone knows which thread Im on about Id love to know what it was called I wonder if it still exists.

Proudnscary Mon 08-Oct-12 07:21:39

Aww OP - I agree with everyone else, we make mistakes and yes we feel the weight of responsibility even more keenly then. It's very scary. And of course you - rightly- berate yourself for putting your dc in any danger but you do learn from it. We've had a near drowning episode I have never even been able to write about on MN as it's too terrifying for me to revisit - but suffice to say it was totally my dh's fault!! He also nearly burned the room down by putting a muslin over a bedside lamp. So actually it's my dh who's an irresponsible fuckwit not me wink. Hope you feel better x

Convert Mon 08-Oct-12 09:28:18

Worrying about these things is what makes a good mum. Not worrying is the sign of a shit mum.
I found 1 yr old dd with a dice in her mouth the other day because I'd left the baby gate on the boys room open and she'd sneaked in. I felt so sick because she could have choked on it. Now I'm extra vigilant about making sure the gate is shut.
Kids will have accidents, they will roll off the bed in the split second you took your eyes off them, they will get hold of things you didn't realise you dropped. Don't worry and I hope your cold is better soon.

plantsitter Mon 08-Oct-12 09:34:08

You learn to live with the fear and it serves a purpose - things like checking on your baby because you can't hear any noise is one result of it.

Even then, nobody's infallible. We've all been there. Be nice to yourself.

howtobeamermaid Mon 08-Oct-12 09:43:48

You lot are amazing, really you are.
DS made it through the night (must have looked in on him 20 times) and even treated me to an 8am lie in hmm must try feeding him tissues more often

I have given myself a little talking to and we live to fight another day!

Illagevidiot your mummy and baby monkey in a tree is so so sweet! What a lovely mum you sound

gussiegrips Mon 08-Oct-12 09:48:36

A wee tissue that you intervened before it was more than a ripped up mess? Of course you got a fright, but as far as being a bad mum goes, that's quite amateurish.

I'll raise you...I accidentally let my toddler eat a dog jobbie.

There. Feel better now?

You are welcome

Softlysoftly Mon 08-Oct-12 09:53:18

Yesterday I took thought I just took DD2s (4months) laptop off her high swing before getting distracted by DD1.

Wasn't until DH walked into our hard marble tiled kitchen and yelled "fuck" then grabbed DD2 that I realised I had totally removed her lap tray and she was on the verge of flipping out.

I just thank god it didn't end badly and note never to do it again. It's a constant fear that as they grow you have to treat as background noise and be as careful as possible.

howtobeamermaid Mon 08-Oct-12 09:53:54

Gussie, is it bad if I say yes that does make me feel better
Thank you!!x

Softlysoftly Mon 08-Oct-12 09:54:55

Laptop toy that was supposed to read.

gussiegrips Mon 08-Oct-12 10:46:54

Beamer - nope, that is it's purpose.

I tell every new mother the story of doom...having near misses is part of parenting. You feel sick and bad about it for ages, but these are universal issues and you just have to be grateful for good luck.

The Bad Mother Badge is MINE.

The older dc had left the stairgate open and dc 4 (aged 18 months and very unsteady on his feet climbed up, then fell right from the top of the stairs to the bottom, where his forehead hit the door that was open leaving a gash through his eyebrow. As I was busy folding laundry from the dryer in the kitchen the first i knew of this was the bang.

I was hysterical, thought he was going to die, that I was the worst mother in the world. In the children's ward he was playing very actively and we had to stop him diving head first through a playhouse window hmm. A bit of glue, 3 butterfly stitches and we were home 3 hours later. It was an accident, we're human, we make mistakes. Your dh is right, learn from the mistake and move on, there was no harm done. x

children's a & e room, not ward, he wasn't admitted.

MsVestibule Mon 08-Oct-12 12:13:07

TBH, I can't believe how nice everybody is being to the OP. She negligently left a tissue in a baby's cot, and that's OK? Consider yourself flogged, you bad mother.

I didn't carry 3mo DD in a bouncy seat, then balance it on my hip while I opened a door and allow it to collapse so she fell on her head. Or put my 7mo DS in a Bumbo seat on a raised surface so he fell off, yes, on his head. Oh no, I'm a responsible mother, me.

Lueji Mon 08-Oct-12 13:05:22

I didn't lower the bottom of DS's cot when he had outgrown it and he fell over the side, knocking his head on the floor. blush sad

I think we have all done stupid things with our children.

We are not perfect.

theodorakis Mon 08-Oct-12 13:16:45

Nothing helpful to say except get better soon and eat some chocolate to feel better.

LilyCocoplatt Mon 08-Oct-12 13:17:54

Just this morning my almost 2 year old fell out of the supermarket trolley because I hadn't done the seatbelt thing up tight enough, had put the trolley out of arm's reach of the tempting goodies while I reached up to get something and of course she tried to stand up to reach them and toppled out. I was lucky, nothing broken and she stopped crying and forgot all about it when I bribed her with chocolate five minutes later, she also regularly lauches herself off the sofa onto the laminate floor with a thud, most kids are pretty bouncy.

KenLeeeeeee Mon 08-Oct-12 13:22:13

The reason you are far from a shit mother is that you are beating yourself up over this. You haven't shrugged it off and said "oh well, he's fine". You're meant to be freaked out, but you do also need to take a deep breath and accept that everyone makes silly mistakes.

When bathing dd when she was 18months old, dh let her stand up in the bathtub, whereupon she slipped over, banged her mouth on the side and ended up having to have her two front teeth removed under GA because they were smashed. Stupid mistake on his part, but he's bloody careful now about kids in the bath.

theodorakis Mon 08-Oct-12 13:29:58

When I was 2 weeks old my mum dropped me down a stone staircase and I apparently bounced 10 times. When I was 4 I drank Dukhams Hypergrade engine oil that was in a corona lemonade bottle. I was left at some awful craft show aged about 7 and when I was 5 they all got off the tube at Earls Court, walked home and didn't realise they had left me on the train until I had reached the next station. My parents lost me at the big CND march but were very committed and decided to wait until things "thinned out" before panicking.
I have modelled my parenting on a lot of don't do what they did but a little speck of what they did because they were ace parents, I love them to bits and they have always been there for me really. I forgive them for everything except taking me on a CND march, that was terrible, I was so scared my friends would find out!
I hope that helps

DontGrumbleGiveAWhistle Mon 08-Oct-12 14:12:13

Didn't let DC1, aged 18 months, fall down the stairs because we were moving shortly so why put up a stairgate...
Didn't lose DC2, aged 2, in a busy tourist area abroad...
Didn't let DC3 fall out of the pram aged 8 days old...

And I'm trying to convincve DH that we should have another? hmm

DontGrumbleGiveAWhistle Mon 08-Oct-12 14:13:06

Oh I forgot - flog flog flog!

DontGrumbleGiveAWhistle Mon 08-Oct-12 14:14:04

Ahh - the flogs were for my three things - not for yours! Hope you're still not feeling vulnerable

[slinks off now]

RobinSparkles Mon 08-Oct-12 14:20:03

If I had a pound for every mistake I made I would be rich.

It's a shame that I don't because then I would be able to afford to pay someone, who actually knows what they're doing, to look after my DC! grin

Go easy on yourself! It was an accident and no harm was done in the end. It's no use thinking of the 'what ifs'.

Hope you feel better soon! smile

Floggingmolly Mon 08-Oct-12 14:20:25

Oh, and by the way, they've all rolled off the bed at some time or another during their first year. All of my three, and everyone else i've ever spoken to has had it happen too. They've all survived!

peachypips Mon 08-Oct-12 14:22:55

For the first two years with my first particularly I used to obsess about all the dreadful things that could happen to him. All manner of awful pictures used to run through my head. I still sometimes do it but not anywhere near as much! Try and relax- that will be better for everyone in the long run. When my youngest was 4 weeks old my OH dropped him at the top of the stairs. He bounced twice and then hit the concrete. He had a skull fracture and a brain bleed. He's fine now! We just felt like the wordt parents- but it was a mistake, just like you. There are so many things that could happen I'm amazed more don't.
Bless you- stop worrying and start enjoying!!!!

peachypips Mon 08-Oct-12 14:35:43

Oh and nothing wrong with eating a tissue! No more likely to choke on that at 7 months than finger food. They have a great gag reflex at that age. When DS was one he ate a tea bag from the bin!!

Convert Mon 08-Oct-12 18:43:27

Floggingmolly I thought I'd got away with that one with DC3 and was feeling all smug until I left her with my Mom while I went on a driving lesson and she let her fall off the bed grin

Mistakes happen. There have been many times I've done some daft things but DD is still fine.
She fell off the bed when she was fairly small; I've left the stairgate open and she wandered onto the landing; she picked up a cat claw from the carpet and tried to eat it...
Each time I was there and able to intervene immediately so no damage done.
Doesn't stop me beating myself up over it though, so I fully understand.

SoupInaBasket Mon 08-Oct-12 18:47:28

My mum left a cup of hpt fresh tea at toddler level and my brother tipped it all over himself.
24 years on she still thinks about it!
My brother is absolutely fine and I'd say a brilliant bloke.
And you'd never know he got burnt!

shuffleballchange Mon 08-Oct-12 20:06:35

You most certainly aren't a rubbish mum. I'll just give you two examples of my crappy parenting (there are plenty more) When DS1 was about a year, I had smothered him in his diprobase cream, he wad so slippery he somehow managed to shoot over my shoulder and hit the floor headfirst, luckily I was kneeling, not standing. Last week DS2 had two bumps to the head, two fat lips, a bruised cheek and split ear which had to be glued, god that sounds awful now reading that back, all separate incidents whilst in my care. Both fell off the bed in their first year and both have fallen down the stairs. They are two of the happiest, healthy boys you could wish to meet and are the centre of my world. These things happen.

Neednewjeans Mon 08-Oct-12 21:22:51

An accident! Just breathe and move on.

Neednewjeans Mon 08-Oct-12 21:23:42

Oh and you sound like a fantastic mum. Most would have just thought 'phew' and promptly forgotten about it.

missorinoco Mon 08-Oct-12 21:30:47

You have just reminded me of when DC1 was dropping his nap, and was playing quietly in his room (there was the obvious mistake). When I went to get him up he'd got the Sudacrem from on top of the chest of drawers and eaten it.

It was a tissue. It fell out of your sleeve/pocket. Hope you are feelng better now.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Mon 08-Oct-12 21:48:31

These make me feel like an ace parent grin

When my DS was tiny my DH picked him up during the night when he was crying and 'temporarily' put him in the laundry basket while he went for a wee. He forgot about him and went to bed. I woke up to the sound of a tiny muffled cry from the bottom of a lie of dirty washing.

No harm done but I still remind and take the piss out of DH about it now.

howtobeamermaid Mon 08-Oct-12 23:19:48

Accidental haha! that's brilliant. And missorinoco DS is always trying to get his chops into the sudocrem too! I'm feeling better, thanks all, a good day today, only managed to let DS faceplant on the coffee table once

HappyJustToBe Tue 09-Oct-12 08:38:45

Not your finest moment but if that is the lowest point in your child rearing then you're a fantastic mother. This is what I tell myself every time DD manages to find the sudocrem and get a mouthful before I notice - not ideal but if that's the worse I do then I'll take that.

I think eating sudocrem is a rite of passage for every baby/toddler, not an accident? grin

Accidental, your post made me laugh grin

Wheresmypopcorn Thu 11-Oct-12 04:10:49

Illagevidiot - that's just beautiful.

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