to want to punch my dd dad in the face???(187 Posts)
hi im new to this just wanted some advice. my dd whos 4 goes to her dads every other weekend and tuesday afternoons. we spilt wen she was 14 months and has seen him regularly on these set days. im now happily engaged and have another dd 15 months. exp is a pain in the butt always poking his nose in makes sarcastic comments spoils dd1 to the point of extreme. she asks every day if her daddy is picking her up or if she is seeing her daddy today it makes me feel like shit like im not gd enuf. dd1 has just started school and he was there on 1st day helped pay for uniform etc. since she started i have told him about parents eve, gave him newsletters even though he gets the same emails we do. when he picked her up tonight he said ever so casually "oh by the way ive joined the pta, didnt u know there was a meeting one of the mums told me on tuesday and ive been elected secetary i dint really want to do it but i thought as its my daughters future education" hes organising events at school and he said oh i can take her to the disco and im organising a bake sale and xmas bingo which i can take dd1 to.
aibu to think hes trying to take my daughter away to make himself look better at school? i mean he works ft as a manager htf is he gonna have time to be a pta secetary?? he is trying to be her mother!!!! ive been fighting this role since she was born! any advice welcome sorry to drag on! xx
or maybe he just wants to be an involved parent?
She's both of your daughters. You're totally over reacting, and sound like you're either bitter because you're not together anymore, or jealous of the fact your daughter still has a good relationship with her father.
Don't be so cruel, and, well, foolish. A lot of single mothers would love the fathers to take an interest like your ex is.
And yes, saying you'd like to punch anyone in the face is unreasonable.
Get a grip.
He sounds fantastic!
Sorry but I don't think he's trying to make himself look good at all or take her away.
He's just interested in helping out so why not?
Plenty of Mums do it so why shouldn't Dads?
Punch him in the face by all means.
Just don't be surprised when he calls the police. Or punches you back.
Erm... from your post it sounds like he's trying to be a good dad? So many children have absent fathers who don't want to know. Why do you think he should be excluded from your DD's school world?
I'm sure there's more about your past that's not coming across in your post, and if he is trying to mess you around with all this, then that's obviously not on - but otherwise why do you need to be involved or care what he's getting up to - would he be reasonable if he was angry that you had joined the pta?
I dont know what your area is like but at out primary PA all the parents were full time working professional people. So your remark about how he will have time is really so pathetic.
He's reliable NRP who looks after his daughter, contributes for extras like uniform and wants to be actively involved in her schooling.
Remind me what the problem is again?
Step back and read your own post objectively.
Let it go. He loves his daughter and wants to be involved. You're coming over as a spiteful silly cow. I'm sure that's not who you want to be.
What exactly has he done wrong? From your OP he is involving himself in his daughters life, nothing wrong with that.
Indeed. Workaholic DH joined the PA last night. Everyone there works full time.
Agree with the other posters I'm not seeing what the problem is? What sort of sarcastic remarks and spoiling do you mean in your post?
Do you wanna swap him for my sons Dad? He sees them most Sundays but only for a few hours and won't contribute towards anything as he gives me maintenance which according to himis already more than I need!
Sorry but IMO yabu!
As a single mum with a twatty ex Yabu
A man who pays for uniform, contributes to his child, sees her regularly and is interested in his Childs education.
Put him in the stocks...
If you don't feel good enough that could be a reflection of how you feel about yourself. I would focus on you and your relationship with your DC. Let EXP get on with his relationship with his DD, FWIW he sounds like he wants to be a good father and you are taking it as a personal slight
This is a wind up, surely. Er, what has he done wrong?
and i think seeing nastyness where none is, he sounds like hes doing a great job
YABU. NRP can't bloody win, if they don't do anything they are feckless, if they take an interest they are "trying to be their mother".
He sounds like a good dad to me.
My DH was on the PTA when he had a full time job, I never have been even when I have been a SAHM.
Flip this post, and imagine it was a man talking about his ex in the same way. What would you think?
He sounds like he's being a good parent, and your child is fortunate to have him.
You need to remember this is about your DD- not a competition against each other.
I only wish my 3 week olds dad would take more of a interest,
He's trying to be her mother? Because only mothers are supposed to be actively engaged in their children's lives? you sound pissed off because you've not actually got anything proper to slag him off for. DH's ex is like this-she wants to tell anyone who will listen that he's a shit dad and so gets enraged when he attends school functions etc cos it spoils her story
From your OP you do sound unreasonable.
Is there more to this?
Do you think he is doing it JUST to be controlling? Has he form for this?
If not, he really is just being a good and involved father. I am afraid my OH who is lovely doesnt even know what bloody class our DC4 is in yet!
We have had a few words and he is pulling his finger out though.
Do you want to swap with either of mine please?
Let him knock himself out being secretary of the PTA - if he isn't doing it for decent reasons it will soon enough break him!
Its nothing to do with you - unless you were also applying to be PTA secretary and he deliberately got in ahead of you.
I think people are being really bitchy to OP. Personally, I wish DS's father could be more like your XP and wasn't such an alcoholic waste of space. Most of us dislike our X's though, and I would probably be thinking he was a smug git in your situation. In fact, he sounds like a bit of a smug git, probably why he is XP!
So, YAB a bit U, but I don't think you deserve to be called a spiteful silly cow either. Dealing with XP's is often emotive and you can't help the way you feel. As long as you keep it hidden from DD that's the main thing.
Your letting bitterness in.
Could you not be friendly? Also you can and will both have to go to one of these things.
Rise above pettiness, even if you think these things privately.
Even of he is annoying though a friendly approach will work better.
He sounds a great Father. Can't see what you have to complain about. Your DD is very lucky.
I wonder why you feel not good enough? Is it just him or are you finding it a bit hard that she's now at school and your role is changing? Many of us feel a bit bereft when the DCs go to school and it's understandable you'd feel insecure.
Btw, I'd leave the PTA to him, if I were you
I can also see that being upset and using the phrase want to punch someone is actually different from doing it
It may be annoying but you don't know how good you have it.
My DD's father hasn't even managed to see her, ever-she's 18mo. I have a mountain to climb to explain why. No financial involvement, no calls, no visits, nada.
Try and distance yourself and work on your response to him rather than resenting his involvement.
Yet if a man had come on here wanting to punch his ex wife in the face in sure you wouldn't have said that
he is trying to be her mother!!!!
Is he not allowed to be a caring and involved parent because he's a man?
I think you sound as though you have a bit of growing up to do.
Possibly not, but I'm talking to the op and trying to respond to her
Hmm I just don't see his a woman talking about wanting to physically assault a man is any more acceptable than the other way round
I suspect the OP is trying to shit stir.
Do you think he's stealing your thunder? Do you feel pushed out and unwanted? That's how it looks like to me, because in all honesty, it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong!
Haven't most of us wanted to punch our DC's father in the face at some point? Seriously, I know I have. I do think you are lucky to have an XP who contributes in terms of time and money, but he's probably not your favourite person either.
By punching or DC's dad in the face, I mean estranged partners obviously.
Dare I say it, perhaps more NM than MN?
Report if you think so
DH's ex clearly wants to punch him in the face most of the time (like she did when they were married). There is a similarity here-she can't bear it that DH is clearly a good dad. It makes her angry. The OP sounds angry. If the OP was a man, she would be labelled abusive and controlling.
Lesley, how acceptable would you find it if men were on here talking about 'don't we all want to punch our ex wives in the face sometimes'
I prefer to listen first and you won't get a reasonable discussion going if you don't do that
What do you mean listen to the OP? You mean wait to hear her legitimate reason for wanting to assault someone?
Sorry that was a bit sanctimonious. I just can see this going pear shaped and maybe there's a chance for it not to. Of course I winced at the title
I have been incensed, enraged, volcanically angry - the kind of angry people would associate with 'punch someone in the face' angry. It is not U to feel that way. It is a feeling.
allnewtaketwo. Men just can't use that sort of language because they already hold a position of privilege and far more domestic violence is committed by men.
I think the OP is just upset, emotional and needs a sounding board, not people ripping her to shreds over semantics. Maybe saying that she feels like punching someone in the face isn't very nice, but some of the replies to her are worse tbh.
It is unreasonable to feel that way just because you child's other patent wants to do his best and be actively involved. To me, that is an unreasonable cause for anger and thoughts of violence.
So DH was physically abused by his ex. Would you find it ok if he came on here wanting to beat her up for being a good mother? It's as black and white as that.
Yes, I wonder why she feels like that.
Sorry, my reply was to the first of your 2 posts allnew
Ah, so if a mother wants to be violent, there must be a legitimate reason. Ok
Lesley I said she was coming over as a spiteful silly cow, not that she actually was one. Subtle difference I know.
Ok. it's not on - but I see an awful lot of post threatening to chop DH's balls off about. Can we stop those too whilst we're at it?
Men just can't use that sort of language because they already hold a position of privilege and far more domestic violence is committed by men
Sounds like an excuse for applying double standards to me. If a man posted that thread title on here he'd be crucified: people wouldn't in the main be understanding of his feelings and emotions.
I don't think that. I think that when people are being unreasonable and ranty on a thread then they are feeling upset and we might be able to help her see things a bit differently so she is less angry and ranty
What would you prefer op?!
Would you rather he did nothing for his dc then?
OP has probably been scared off now. I don't think any violence is acceptable, she probably doesn't either. It's the sort of thing people say when they are very frustrated.
I try and understand eveyone's emotions whilst not excusing their damaging actions.
She's frustrated about her children's father (the man she chose to have sex with and have children with) being an involved father FFS. Would she rather he would just curl up and die? Or that he wasn't involved, so she could want to punch him for that instead?
Posting in AIBU on a Friday night wasn't really the best place to get any constructive advice, not surprised OP's never been back.
Since shes's only posted once we don't know all that much.
Jamie I take it then that youre one of the jimmy savilke apologists then? You know, trying to understand his motives and all that .
As long as she isn't saying this infront of DD, does it really matter if she sounds off to people here?
Getting pissed about your X being responsible is U, but maybe he is spiteful about things, Idk.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
We know that her ex is a very involved father who supports and takes a huge interest in his children. Oh, and that their mother wants to punch him for this.
Yes, of course that follows from what I said
I'm going now because this argument isn't helpful
But Lesley would you apply the same standards for men choosing to talk amongst themselves on a public forum about wanting to punch their exes? Really? That's ok as long as the children aren't listening?
You're going because you can't defend your double standards about violence
'Men just can't use that sort of language because they already hold a position of privilege and far more domestic violence is committed by men.'
That's not true though is it. As has been pointed out many times.
I defended it above.
I have strong rad-fem leanings and don't feel that I have to justify my opinions or defend them. Why do you care anyway?
You defended violence? I missed that. But hey, well done you.
Oh, it's "rad fem" to defend a woman's violent intentions against a man, but not the other way round. Way to go.
ALL while I appreciate you have very strong views about this, it is coming across as unhelpful. Your posts seems totally blinkered and the post about Jimmy Saville was unnecessary and odd. Can I suggest a I don't think anyone here is condoning OP's use of language, they're just not making it the WHOLE point. I think your personal difficult experience of DH's abusive and cruel XW are adding too much fuel to your fire.
OP didn't say that she was planning to be violent, and saying that you want to punch people isn't nice, but I think it was a figure of speech. I really don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist.
I don't defend violence btw, but I'm not sympathetic when people bleat on about the poor men folk either.
appalling title op.
yabvu. he sounds amazing. im not a single parent but dh wouldnt behve in this way!
He sounds like an excellent father. Your DD is very lucky that he wants to be involved with her schooling... good for him!
You wouldn't call it a "figure of speech" if it was coming from a man.
So is he trying to take over EVERYTHING to the point of excluding you?
If so, YANBU
If not, he's just doing his best to be a good and involved dad so YABU
Well, it looks like the OP got what they wanted.
Domestic violence is a terrible thing that can never be condoned in any shape or form, but this AIBU is nothing to do with domestic violence.
Jealous, childish and unreasonable.
Is all I can be bothered with.
I think your best bet is not to react in any way if you think he is just trying to get a rise out of you. Just smile and say that's nice when he tells you about the PTA (and believe me it will become a complete pain for him eventually!!) If you'd rather take her to the school functions, and it's a night she is with you, just blandly say, "that's ok, I'll take her."
Difficult though it is, you will do far better with your realationship with your daughter if you remove yourself from all the bitterness and annoyance (in front of your dd I mean - rant away to your friends if you need to!) Just smile and say "you'll see Daddy on such a such night."
I don't know you or your ex obviously, but I do have an ex myself who liked nothing more than to rile me and make the whole thing into a competition. I stopped reacting to anything he does or says long ago, and feel much better for it! Also in doing this, my relationship with my dd especially (who's older) feels completely secure (whereas initially it felt like she was reacting to things she'd obviously overheard about me..... now I think she just realises life here at home is pretty calm, loving and consistent and she herself is pretty relaxed and happy here too.)
You are your dd's mummy. Try not to feel inadequate. She will love you, and in the long run, if you are consistent and loving with her, she will value your relationship, and nothing will get in the way of that.
PS - have ignored all the pp's about how horrible you are and suggest you do too! You just come across as someone very insecure and unhappy to me, who is feeling pushed out. I can empathise with that feeling, and it really does work if you ignore it, smile and focus on your relationship and time with your dd.
I would love it if someone would take my dd to the school disco, it's my idea of hell!
Oh get a grip. Your ex sounds lovely, your dd is very lucky. I hope you don't tell your daughter about how you want to physically attack her father.
That was a very kind and thoughtful post, MagicHouse
YABU. Also, why is your post written in txt spk?
well thanks sooo much for all of your lovely helpful comments. just to clarify i am not a bloody ex partner beater or whattever you want to call it. i would never ever hit or assult anyone i was venting anger because im at the end of my tether. when we were together he was horrible mean and spiteful to me. took no interest in his daughter or me wen we were living togther. triedd to go for full custody wen we split up wanted to take her to live with his monther who smokes 60 a day and doesnt think theres anything wrong with a child being in that environment. he doesnt listen to anything i say does totally the opposite deliberitly does things to spite us eg told him he coulnt have her a certain week in summer hols as we had planned to take her to peppa pig world the next time he picked her up he told me guess where w are going peppa pig land and they went the following day. ruined our suprise for her cos shed already been. i cant put across to u how much of a horrible human being he is but it looks like most of u on here have made up ur ind im involved in some kind of domestic vilonce towrds my ex. so thanks
Well it would help if ypu didn't use such violent termonology in yout title. yABU to run off in a huff with the responses you got!!
Mummyof2Girlies - re-read your op as if someone else had written it. You describe an ex who, sees his child regularly, contributes time and money, and takes a full interest in her education.
That's actually a flattering description of an ex.
You also say he's a pain in the butt and is sarcastic to you. The sarcasm, undermining comments are not on. If contact is troubled, would it be helpful to do handover through a third person? Minimise your contact with him?
And as for your dd wanting to spend time with him, she's just a little girl and I'm sure that she in no way says these things to make you feel bad. Think how much worse it would be if you had to hand her over and she screamed and cried. It is actually quite special that your dd has 2 parents who adore her.
Not sure what to make of your concern that he "spoils" her as you haven't provided detail, but in any case there isn't a lot you can do. It's tricky parenting alongside an ex, isn't it.
But the school thing, well, maybe try to take it at face value. He's taking an interest in her education and that is v positive. It doesn't need to be a competition between you both.
It does sound as though you need to reduce your contact with him as much as possible so you don't keep getting upset by his behaviour.
OP you just sound angry and bitter. Let go.
You sound very bitter and resentful, when you should be celebrating the fact that your DDs father is taking an active role.
As for wanting to punch him in the face for this....... Words actually fail me.
aibu to think hes trying to take my daughter away to make himself look better at school?
Yes, actually, YAB completely U, and incredibly childish. You sound like someone off Jeremy Kyle to be honest, although I doubt any of the dads on there ever went near the PTA.
FFS. Your child's father wants to be a fully involved parent and you want to punch him in the face for it?
(off to read whole thread now. I imagine it's an interesting one.)
how many times i dont actually want to punch him! ffs! iv seen alot worse stuff on here said about exes! he is always trying to undermind me question what i do. i have no interest in him i am certainly not bitter i ended it with him for the sake of my child. im not and not ever saying he is a bad dad he loves her to bits is a better dad now we r apart. if u knew him and knew what he was like then u would probably want nothing to do with him either. i would never stop him being involved its just the pta thing has gotten to me when i know he has only done it to get at me its not for his daughters sake at all. if anyone is bitter and angry its him he hates ive got a new baby and partner of 3yrs. hel slag me off to anyone who'll listen. and yes it seems like im slagging him off but ive got no one else who will listen!!!! my partner gets fustrated cos it upsets me and my parents get soo mad about the way he treats me theres no point. looks like there was no point on here either.
I understand you're angry if he's always been a bit useless up till now and is now suddenly mother Teresa. It is frustrating. Same thing I have gone through with my ex.
But - speaking as someone 9 years down the line on this - you really have to let it go. Whats done is done and now he's trying to be a good parent. That's good for your little one. She obviously loves him. In the long term that's great believe me. Better that than having her crying .... at least you know she's happy to go ! You're always going to be her mum. But it's good for her to have a good dad too !
Honestly just suck it up and let it go.
My dd is 9 now and my ex hardly saw her for the first year after we split. He now behaves like father of the year and is taking her on holiday to USA for half term. I just put dd first and think about things from her point of view.
Well, you did ask, in your title, if it would BU to want to punch him in the face.....
So what else are we supposed to think??
Maybe you could try and look on the positive side? What he's doing is beneficial for you and DD, unless he gets bored and reverts back to his old ways (from what you said about him being useless before).
If you are there for DD, then she will love and respect you anyway.
im just sooo scared shes gonna want to go live with him as he showers her with attention presents she doesnt get told off basically gets away with murder. she is a normal 4yr old who tests boundries and at home gets told off/put o naughty step if she misbehaves badly. she has told me countless times in rage i want to live with my daddy he doesnt tell me off! hes like a god in her eyes and i end up being the baddie. i give each of my kids attention dd1 even more really and its still not enough. he lavishes in the fact that she cant wait to get out of the house to go to his. it really upsets me as she has a lovely homelife with me and my partner he loves her like his own daughter i just dont understand it
Mummyof2Girlies, I went through that with XP and DS. It is hurtful, but try to remember that she is just a child. XP just didn't have the consistency to keep up his efforts at being a 'good dad', and it was obvious that he was partly doing it to spite me. So, I can empathise with you. It sounds like your X is more reliable than minen though.
As you DD gets older, she will realise what you do for her, and respect you more for being consistent and having boundaries. Lots of XP's don't tell their DC's off when they stay with them. Basically, it's easier for them, because they don't have to be a parent the rest of the time. I know you're pissed off, but try to appreciate the fact that he chips in for uniform and actually wants to spend time with her. Lots of here don't have that luxury.
I understand the difference between actually wanting to do it, and just feeling so enraged that you can imagine doing it in your head but knowing it would be completely wrong to act on it. I get that.
Let's conveniently forget for a second that no man would EVER be allowed to get away with saying what you said on MN. It wouldn't matter one jot that it is just a turn of phrase to express anger and frustration. We've had this arguement a million times, and we have a long way to go before men and women are treated equally on this forum.
What I don't get is why you think what he has done is worthy of that level of anger and frustration on your part. For crying out loud, bringing up a child together, TOGETHER, REMEMBER, when you are no longer together yourselves is never going to be easy. It will always be an exercise in patience, compromise, communication, understanding and fairness. What is should never be is an exercise in competition and one-upmanship. you sound genuinely bitter and disappointed that your daughter looks forward to spending time with her Daddy and you sound as if you'd quite like to paint him out of the picture altogether. But your daughter is so LUCKY that her father won't let that happen. Don't you see that?
Rise above your insecurities and be glad that he wants to be involved. Don't resent it. Honestly, saying that you think he is only being so involved in order to make you look/feel shit just makes you sound like a bit of a bunny boiler with a huge chip on your shoulder.
Sorry, just seen the state of my typing. Nevermind, I'm posting on an internet forum, not writing War and Peace.
i know im lucky in some ways with him but i dont know how much more i can take ive been awake all night worrying about it and then reading what everyone has said on here makes me feel im in the wrong to feel like this when hes the one being a twit. as usual he comes across the wonderful one. hurtful isnt the word.
yeah bunny boiler thats what i am!!!
Can I ask how old you are? You sound very young. Sorry, we don't mean to be hurtful but you do need to listen and see sense!
Personally, I feel people have been a bit harsh. Perhaps the way you worded the question wasn't great, but you're clearly upset.
None of know your X, so it's hard to comment really. My gut instinct is that you have nothing to worry about, but are feeling insecure. It's easy for people to become competative regarding DC's when they split up, but you need to rise above it. Focus on how your X's involvement benefits you.
im bloody 26! 'we' dont mean to be hurtful? ive been called a bunny boiler spiteful bitter angry and accused of domestic violence!
lesleypumpshaft thank you for ur kind words, i just wish id have kept my thoughts to myself now instead of upsetting myself even futher.
I reckon you should count yourself lucky. I would rather he was over-involved than didn't care at all.
You say you are quite new on MN so perhaps you don't realise that AIBU is always very straight talking and tough love stuff. you ask the question AIBU and you have to be prepared to be told that yes, you are, and exactly why.
For an approach that was more like a sympathetic counselling session perhaps you should have posted on Relationships or Single Parenting. Anway, my stance remains the same to be honest. I think you need a good shake! I get really tired of hearing about men who don't give a stuff about supporting/visiting the children they have, and then hearing other women moan because they do!
fair enough but i think it is very unfair of people to call me all them horrible names.
and just to clarify i am not or ever going to punch anyone. just incase anyone is thinking of phoning the dv helpline
Well I don't think you don't sound like a bad person at all OP. You sound very frustrated and hurt.
Probably best thing to do is beam at him and tell him how wonderful he is for being involved. If he's doing it just to annoy you, and you are in fact thrilled, then he'll get tired of it pretty quickly.
And of course your dd is going to think he's a god. Most four year old girls think daddy rules, even without the constant showering of insecurity gifts. As she gets older, she will appreciate your more difficult - but essential - role more.
In the meantime, see it for what it is. He's not feeling very secure in his role - she lives with another father figure... you see her every day, he does not.
Take the moral highground. Tell them both that she deserves the treats he gives her. Smile and say oh nothing's too much for your little princess when he over indulges. Then make sure that at home she understands about moderation and that your job is to teach her to be a kind and balanced grown-up.
Your daughter is growing up with a loving family around her. As your family increases (?!), she will feel ever more entrenched in what her sister and other siblings are doing. I think her dad is a bit scared because he already feels out in the cold.
LondonKitty thanks for that she loves playing with her little sister and adores her. i hate it when i cant ge my point across i was obviously upset when i wrote my post and can see it comes across like im playing tit for tat but honestly im not. if u knew him honestly u wud see what he is trying to do
Oh dear OP some people do like to get on their high horses eh?
It sounds like your exh is trying to do a "anything you can do I can do better" I can imagine how frustrated and annoyed you must be.
Deep breath, your DD loves you, cares for you and will always need you. It may feel like he is trying to take her away (and he might be petty enough to try it) but even at 4 years your DD will know she wants to be with you. In tantrums and anger DD will throw the I want to live with daddy card but I bet if you started packing her bags for her she would take it back pdq.
As for your title - I don't see the big whoop! Maybe you should have put I want to treat DD's dad like a shark
Chin up and chill out
PLease don't be upset. It's obvious from your post that your relationship with your ex is very difficult. I have experienced some of what you're going through ( I can especially relate to the bit about having very little interest before the split... I remember practically having to beg him to look after my two for a hour or two to do some cleaning :-$.... whereas now of course he has them for whole weekends :-0. Before this just would never have happened. )
If you become bitter and angry you are just playing into his hands, because you will push your daughter away. Don't tell him about special surprises. Just keep telling your dd how much you love her. When she says she wants to live with her daddy, she is trying to get at you, because actually she is angry and loves you very much and what she really wants is cuddles and attention from you.
I sooo empathise with that bitter feeling, and reacting to things. I can't say enough how much it works (in terms of reducing my own stress and helping to build a strong relationship with my dd) to ignore the "games", be nice, take time out for your dd - take just her to the park so she gets some time with just her mummy. She will be picking up on your feelings and that might be stressful for her.
Make some time for you, too. Go out with some friends. Put this in perspective. Be proud that you have moved on.
Ignore him. He will get tired of it.
From your first OP you did sound a bit insecure, but from your subsequent posts it is clear some things he is doing to wind you up, especially the Peppa Pig thing. I think the lesson there is never tell him your plans! I get on ok with my ex, but if he is ever winding me up I just avoid talking to him. He is probably looking for a reaction from you so just smile and say 'that's nice'. He will soon get bored. Also my daughter is 5 and she says lots of hurtful things when she is angry. Chances are your DD knows you get upset when she says she wants to live with Daddy so uses that. And on the asking if she is seeing Daddy every day, my two are 5 and 6 and have only recently started remembering what days are Daddy days, before they would always ask. Like others say, you are very lucky he is so involved, so it is best to 'manage' the other stuff to stop yourself getting worked up.
OP- I think I get where you're coming from. My friend's abusive ex husband can't even be trusted to behave when he sees his children at a contact centre. He joined the PTA for a bit. It didn't last. I think posters should give OP a break. From her description the ex sounds manipulative and someone who puts her under a lot of strain. I think when the OP says he wants to be the 'mother' she simply means that he wants to eclipse her to undermine relationship with dd.
Hi Mummyof2girlies - your daughter will always love you and she will always love her dad. You seem worried that she seems to love being with her dad more but this is probably not the case. Its good that she is getting 50:50 best of both worlds. Also if she see's you encouraging the contact and saying nice things about her dad (your ex) it might help her and yourself, and this can only make you look more positivly in her eyes.
You sound highly insecure. You need to get past how you feel about your ex - what matters is how your DD feels about him. She loves him, and he's good with her. Regardless of what you think his motivation is for his actions, he's taking a positive role in her life, and you need to focus on that.
I didn't finish the OP: paragraphs, please!
But from what undid read, YABU and spiteful.
Fwiw, if what he does upsets you and you think he does it to get at you or undermine you, then pretend that's exactly what you want him to do.
PTA? Great. I'm glad one of us is on it and might as well be you.
He likes to spend money and buy gifts, then mention all the things you need to buy for her, etc
There's clearly a lot of history here, and your subsequent posts make it clear that he is a really difficult man who - appears - to be motivated not by wanting to be a fully involved father, but by the idea of getting one up/over on you. That's shit for you to have to deal with, and I quite understand why you are so upset.
But you are getting upset about some of the early posts. While it is always unacceptable if people are calling you names and I am not trying to excuse that if that's been done, non name calling yet negative responses to your OP have angered you and I just wanted to say the following.
You have to remember that none of us know you. Your situation is so clear to you, because you're living it. You know what you mean. you know the history. But all we know is what you write. Nothing more.
And what you put in your OP described nothing more than a man who sees his child regularly, went to her first day at school, helped pay for her uniform, joined the PTA, wants to be involved with school, wants to take her to events...
and the worst thing you said he does is 'pokes his nose in' (which he's allowed to - it's not 'poking your nose in' to your child's life!) and make sarcastic comments.
now, from your further posts, it is clear there's much more going on here, and you clearly feel he's trying to hurt you and isn't interested in being involved in his child's life, he's just using being involved in it to score points and piss you off, but none of that was described in your OP.
I am really sorry that you've been called names. That is uncalled for and it shouldn't happen.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
That's really fabulous advice, Schmaltz.
thank u for the good advice schmalzingmatilda and hecateharshpants.
As for the rest of u who think im being spiteful then think what u like. im just a mum who is fed up with her ex trying to play at i can do it better than u. ive tried talking ive tried mediation nothing works.
So save all arguements she might as well be better off with him then as hes such a wonderful father and the sun shines out of his arse and im such a spiteful cow then?
And jusbecause someone contributes to school uniform and has them per soliciters agreement doesn't nessacerlly make them a good dad.
You need to get rid of this 'competition' thing between the two of you and just accept that your DD loves you both.
It's not her fault you two split up, yet here she is caught in the middle of two parents who don't seem to understand she's obviously crazy about the pair of you.
Just let your ex get on with what he's doing and don't worry about it.
what Worra said
Im not in competion. I try my hardest to include him in everything she does involving school, and previously pre school. He is the one who has to be one better all the time.
We brought her some peppa pig toys as a treat for starting school, she went to her dads on the tuesday told him she'd got a new toy (so i never mentioned anything) and on the friday (his weekend) he turned up with a boot full of every peppa pig toy you can imagine. He said to me oh just put dd1 in the car and purposly said oh just look at all this ive brought her!
Right yes but surely you're exhausted from all the angst you're feeling?
You can't change what he does and you can't control it either.
So my advice is find a way to live with it and just concentrate on your own life and how you do things when she's with you.
Stop all this "She can't wait to see him so she obviously loves him more" crap...because all that's going to do is make your DD feel guilty for feeling however she does.
She loves you both and that's the way it is.
so what - my ex always buys then the 'best' things - he is rich and he has always shown love with gifts - it's not a competition and it's LOVE and security that will make her happy not stuff
both of you offer her that and she's made ! the rest is insignificant
ive been exhausted for the past 4 years.
How do you explain to a 4year old that everytime you go out she can't have a present or that she can't have a Mcdonalds every night for tea or that she can't sleep in your bed or you cant sit with her and wait till she's asleep every night because thats what she does at daddys?
I've tried you don't live with daddy you live with mummy, daddy does things differently at his house all i get back is i want to live with daddy then.
WTF do i do? Its ok to say oh rise above it smile and ignore him but i know one day she is going to actually ask to live there.
that ^ you are doing ti - my 3.5 year old sleeps in daddy and the OW's bed when she is there - she tries it here - I put her back in her bed
it's just life with separate homes - if it's hard for us imagine how hard it is for THEM!
You HAVE to rise above it - you are the adult - she needs you to
it just doesnt feel enough
Mummyof2Girlies, you sound exasperated, you really do, you poor love.
Your little girl loves you, she really does. Her love can't be bought and that is what your Ex is trying to do, he thinks if he gives her more, she'll love him more. She won't. She won't be 4 forever, she'll soon cotton on to what he is doing. Children are very astute.
You can only do your best for her. Children need love, guidance, boundaries and discipline, not thousands of Peppa Pig toys and Maccy D's for tea. Please don't let his spiteful sets get you down.
she is allowed to love her dad though
thank you thats what my partner says.
i just dont want him to be all oh im taking her to this, im taking her to that and she'll want him to and i'll get pushed aside yet again.
another thing he done was when i gave birth to dd2 dd1 was at his for weekend and we didnt phone to tell her because she was home on the sunday(i had her saturday eve so was home in time for dd1 to be brought back.)
when he saw we had the new baby he said (in front of dd1) oh well that'll be dd1 pushed aside now wont it you'd better come home with me.
Was there any need? and you all think im the spiteful one?!
and like ive said before i do not stop her from seeing him im very accomadating if he phones and asks to have her a certain day (even if we have plans) then 99% of the time i will say yes.
we're not going to centre parcs in the october hols as she'll miss out on seeing him tuesday and he moaned about not seeing her for the afternoon.
Your giving her things which are much more important to her than her father is - proper love, boundaries, routine - he's just trying to buy her with toys.
He's too lazy to be a good parent, and won't instil any of the values that children need if they're to grow up into responsible, lovable adults.
So how about focusing on the things that he can't do with her - teach her to cook, make things together, do fun stuff with her little sister - all the things that he won't do because it requires a proper investment in time and love.
Children are sent to hurt us - don't be hard on yourself. Don't compare yourself to him, especially in front of her, but also don't be afraid to tell her that you love her too much to spoil her with everything she wants, because you want her to grow up to be a lovable person
Yes, Gordy she is allowed to love her Dad, but he can't buy her love!
I never say a bad word about him to her or in front of her. she is now understanding that mummy and daddy used to live together when she was a baby and i tell her things like when we went on holiday and show her photos. I'm not all bad
OP.. re read all your replies, take out or ignore the not nice ones.
You're taking them WAY too seriously, but they were posted because most people read the OP, then reply, then toddle off to read the rest of the replies..lol
Lueji said this *Fwiw, if what he does upsets you and you think he does it to get at you or undermine you, then pretend that's exactly what you want him to do.
PTA? Great. I'm glad one of us is on it and might as well be you.
He likes to spend money and buy gifts, then mention all the things you need to buy for her, etc*
Do this. Let him buy DD's affection
FWIW my ExP allows my DS to drink beer to the point of getting pissed, he is 15.
I have also got a DP at the moment who did the same thing to his Ex as yours is doing to you. He ended up with the kids for a short while, and it really really screwed him over. He didn't even realise how hard it was. His sister looked after the kids, not him. Now they have gone back to their mums. I have to harass him constantly to arrange contact with them
When he does what he does, smile and say yaay how wonderful ect ect, don't get cross, let him do a lot of running round headless chicken style, in order to make himself half the person you are.
Just give DD a happy and settled home. Trust me, if ever he ends up having her full time he won't last five minutes.
Maybe it came as a shock to him as he was complacent and didn't help you, when you ended it, he decided to pull his pants up and be a good dad?
Sit back and see how long it continues.
Maybe it will die off when he gets a new family and more kids.
Thats what i've found personally.
About ExP .. letting DS drink and stuff that i won't allow, taking him out to interesting places.. i let him get on with it and try my best to trust DS as he is pretty sensible, although it angers me that his dad allows things he knows would piss me off.
Ok AIBU to want his parents (who he lives with atm) to not smoke in the house??
YANBU but you can only ask, you can't insist whilst it's still legal to smoke in front of children.
i have asked and his response.....its not my house.
My dd suffers from asthma which gets worse when she has been near them. what do u suggest i do in this situation? surely no1 thinks im being petty now??
No i don't think you're being petty.
Tell him its harming her, if he's a good dad he could ask them to smoke outside or at the very least in another room with the windows open (i know its cold outside, i am smoking in the kitchen atm if its raining)
If it's causing her to have asthma attacks and her Dad won't speak to his parents about it, I'd speak to them myself if I were you.
If it's not and it's not making her asthma any worse, then you can only ask them to smoke outside really.
surely no1 thinks im being petty now??
Why do you need strangers to validate you? It honestly doesn't matter if a bunch of people you don't know from adam and wouldn't recognise if you fell over them think you're the rightest of the right or the pettiest critter to ever fall to earth.
It's your life, your situation and what matters is what you feel, how you feel affected by it. Not any of the opinions on here.
It's not our life. And it's easy to sit outside it and judge it. But that doesn't help you - who's living it!
If you want help on how to tackle the issues that upset you, we can pile in with suggestions of things to try and things to say, but you don't need us to agree that you're not petty. You have to believe in yourself and trust yourself.
sorry. am not sockpuppeting or anything (if that's the right term, since I'm not agreeing with myself or anything.) just changed the end of my name a bit for another thread
Well nothing is ever going to be resolved with him because he is right and i am wrong. He's the good cop and i am the bad cop. Always will be.
Ive just re read some of the posts some people have put on here and to be honest while 30% of you have been nice the other 70% have been down right nasty. They have made me sob.
Even if i didnt know someone and they posted that i would guess they are at the end of their tether and need to vent to someone out of the equation.
Just to summise:
1. I do not need to get a grip.
2. I am not a husband beater Never have. Never will be.
3. I am certainly not jealous, spiteful or childish. I am 26 years old with 2 children. I do not have time for childish games with my ex.
4. Yes maybe i should have elaborated in my OP and not used such "Violent" terminology but i was-and still am-very upset and distressed by the situation.
5. I am mearly trying to gain some perspective on my situation and just wanted some other motherly advice, maybe who was kind of in the same boat.
Thank you to all have offered nice friendly comments.
Thanks to you all who have judged me. Nice one.
The thread title is foolish and unnecessary. But I don't for a moment believe that the op either has a history of punching people or any serious intent to hurt anyone.
Focussing on an ill advised title rather than the point of the op seems to me cherry picking.
Op. your feelings are not rational. Your relationship clearly has such a difficult history that you cannot separate the fact that the things your exp are doing are good because you are so used to feeling hostile.
I would strongly suggest that you try and swallow your resentment - even if there is good cause - because the things he does are great for your child. And ultimately that is the main thing.
The comment about a poster being an apologist for Jimmy Saville is quite one of the most pathetic and inappropriate things I have read on here for a while.
Im going to smile and be all sweetness and light to his face even when he is vile towards me. I am going to ignore his comments. I am not going to let him get to me. I have 2 beautiful girls and a loving fiance who loves me.
If i keep telling myself that i might just start believing it.
Good for you! That is absolutely the right way to go about it.
I think you just have to keep remembering that at 4 years old, children only see things in very very basic terms. You are the adult, so you will see it differently, and as your daughter grows up, she will still say things that hurt, but she doesnt mean them.
All kids will say "I hate you, I want to go and live with XXX because they wont tell me off"... its natural and normal.
And don't tell DD or ExP about any family plans then he can't one upmanship it
Ooooh.... tell him she really really wants a pony
Good one i might try that one!! He did ask the other day what we as buying her for xmas and i told him oh im not sure yet. We do know (silver cross surf dolls pram and portable dvd player as main present) but i thought if i let him know that he'l buy exactly the same or buy it for her now.
Well there you go, lol.
I put that for purely selfish and childish reasons after my mum said the same to my dad, and he got my nanna to buy me a pony.. i was over the moon..
Still didn't want to live with him though, lol
I am amazed you don't use it to your advantage.
You are going to buy your daughter
a big flatscreen tv for her bedroom
a dsi xl
a dvd player
come on woman, think
sorry, that should have started "like ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm, I am amazed..."
Next time he says anything like that i am going to say all sorts of things!
Good thinking x
If you wangle an mp3 player, can I have it?
He may have been a bit of an annoying bellend up to now, but try the stuff everyone has said about smiling and responding to him placidly so he doesn't know he's getting your goat.
Make the most of him! Ask him to babysit while you and DP go out.
Ask him for all those big pressies that cost a bomb.
I hope that eventually he calms down and is just a good dad rather than one that goes all out to buy affections and please feel sorry for him too, he probably realises that he fucked up and lost you and DD in his life 100%, maybe he's bucking up his ideas and making sure he doesn't get written out.
See things from his POV and maybe he won't get to you as much x
I hope you're feeling a bit cheered up, MO2G. sometimes a good old laugh about a shit situation can really help.
Totally agree it can also lighten things up a bit
Don't think for one moment that the women on here aren't supportive though hun.
You paid the price for a badly worded AIBU..thats all, AIBU is a baptism of fire on its own, and badly wording something is a double whammy, lol
Don't let it put you off
In future post in relationships
I think the situation might be eased if you let him have more access. One weekend in two and only one afternoon a week is not a huge amount, if he lives reasonably locally is it?
If he saw her more often two things might happen:
1) Your DD would stop seeing you both as playing two separate roles in her life - you with the stability, the humdrum everyday life that comes with being disciplined, having a routine, being told to eat up her veg etc, and him the Indulgent Weekend Parent who says yes to everything and spoils her with late bedtimes etc, because he doesn't want what few hours her has with her to be stressful. He will be frightened that if he doesn't give her what she wants she'll stop wanting to come. He will also be ill-equipped to deal with the tough stuff as he doesn't do it day in day out, so he opts for the path of least resistance. Imagine if you only saw her that often - you'd want harmony and fun while you were with her wouldn't you?
2) The novelty will wear off for him too - he would soon realise (for example if he had her overnight on two school nights a week, that if he didn't stick to a decent bedtime she'd be impossible and grumpy for school in the morning and he'd be late for work) that you cannot be the indulgent Good Cop all of the time.
and maybe if he had more time with her he'd relax a bit and stop trying to compete with you.
I think you should be very grateful that he wants to be so deeply involved, he obviously adores her and maybe hasn't much going on outside of work. I think in your shoes I would allow slightly more access so that it feels more normal and less like a special treat. Ask him to do the mundane things too like homework and swimming lessons. Stop being bitter and just have fun and enjoy your DD.
Also if he is really snide with comments, just be really lovely to him. Don't fluster. Just be a ball of positivity.
He cant have her anymore as his work doesnt allow it. he works full time and doesnt know what shifts he's on from one day to the next apart from the set days he has her now. She phoned me today actually and said i miss u and dd2 and dp when am i coming home?
Also i know i worded the post horrendusly and will think in future if i need to post anything else.
Blueskysinking He does do swimming lessons we take it in turns him one week us the next. she has took her reading book, counting homework and phonics book with her to his. I am NOT bitter.
Haven't read the whole thread but he sounds like a dad who loves his daughter, is desperate to see her more and is doing his damned best to see that happens. As happy as you are with 'your' new unit, and as annoying his presence in your life is, your daughter is his too and it's graet he's making the effort!
Mo2g .. its easily done sweetheart .. you should see what happens when an abusive man or a troll comes on and causes trouble.. they get ripped a new one and get sent packing
She phoned me today actually and said i miss u and dd2 and dp when am i coming home?
If you feel down, read that through again and tell yourself how much she loves you. That word "home" says it all about how she feels about being with you. Your ex is probably in all honesty pretty exhausting to live with - someone keeping up that level of competition and working so hard to be seen to be the best parent inevitably is. He probably seeks lots of feedback from her about what a great dad he is. If he keeps this up, he'll be doing himself no favours when it comes to their relationship, because that will be stressful underneath all the toys and and McDs.
Just be yourself, and ignore him/ let him get on with it. She will work out for herself what sort of person he is. You just concentrate on you, your daughter and your relationship with her.
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